Mokes

Dad
May 28, 2003

—MO's Jokes!—To help you "Be So Happy!"GP No.640

1. When the newlywed husband came home from work one day he found his wife crying. She said, "Honey, I baked you a cake today but it was so bad I had to feed it to the dog!" "That's okay Honey," said the husband, "I'll buy you a new dog!"

2. The newlywed husband was telling his friend—"I know my wife loves me, because every day she sets before me three burnt love offerings—breakfast, lunch and dinner!"

3. A man said about his wife: "I know she's an angel because she's always harping on something, she's always up in the air over something, and she never has an earthly thing to wear!"

4. Sign on the Church door: "Bean Supper at 8, Organ Recital at 9"!

5. Johnny ate beans

And the beans were loaded!

Johnny went to bed

And the beans exploded!

6. MO says: The first pair of glasses I bought was ten years ago when I found out my arm was not long enough to read and when I had to stand outside the phone booth to read the phone number!

7. His Grandfather's favourite Grace:

"Some ha' meat and canna' eat

And some ca' eat wha' lack it,

But we ha' meat, and we ca' eat‚

And so the Lord be thankit!"

—Original Grace by Robert Burns

8. Q: What does a rich man carry in his pocket that a poor man throws away? A: His snot!

9. The people in prison knew all the jokes so well that they'd just call out a number instead of telling the whole joke. Somebody would say "Fourteen!" and everyone would laugh. Someone else would say "Seventy-two!" and everyone would laugh. Well the newcomer listened for while, and then called out "Twenty-four!" but no one laughed. Then the guy in the cell next to him sighed, "I guess some people just don't know how to tell a joke!"

10. One sinner said to the other sinner, "Well, Heaven's all right, but for meeting old friends, there's no place like Hell!"

11. Looking at a pregnant woman the man said: "A man spends nine months trying to get out of there, and the rest of his life trying to get back in!"

12. The young couple was caught making love in the cemetery. When the young man was appearing before the judge he said, "But Your Honour, I was only burying a stiff!"

13. The little boy and little girl were standing nude beside each other after a bath. The boy looked down at his and then at hers and then at his and said, "Look what I got that you ain't got!" The little girl retorted, "Huh! My mommy says if you got one of these, you can have all of those you want!"

14. After leading the Family one day in the Lord's Prayer MO said: "Don't pray to the 'witches in Heaven'! I always start out the prayer with 'Our Father' and then you all say 'Witches in Heaven'!"

15. The preacher went to have dinner with the farmer on his farm that he'd carved out of the wilderness. The preacher said, "My, what a beautiful place the Lord's given you!" "Yea," replied the farmer, "but you should have seen it when the Lord had it!"

16. At the Ranch little Faithy ran in and said, "Oh, come quick and look! There's a goat standing asleep on one leg!" They all ran outside quickly to see such an unusual sight, but found only a sleeping duck (which normally sleeps on one leg). "Where's the goat?" they asked. "Goat?" responded little Faithy, "Oh, I meant to say duck!"

17. The three men who were to be executed were told that they could choose their way to die. The Englishman said, "My people are a seafaring people, I want to drown!" The Frenchman said, "My people are a fighting people, I want to be shot!" The Jew said, "My people are a peaceful people, I want to die of old age!"

18. The old lady was praying for bread, and the atheist passed by the window and heard her. Thinking that he'd play a trick on her, he ran to the store and bought a loaf of bread and ran back and threw it in her window. She began to thank and praise the Lord and the atheist looked in and said, "Ha, ha! You see, it wasn't God who gave you that bread, but me!" And the lady said, "Thank You Lord, You sent it even if the Devil did bring it!"

19. There were three men—a German, a Frenchman and a Jew—at a bar drinking beer and each had a fly in his glass. The German flicked his out, the Frenchman blew his out‚ but the Jew wrung his out!

20. A man received a telegram that his mother-in-law had died, but there was some question as to how to bury her as it was cold and the ground was frozen. "Should we cremate her?" asked the telegram, "or should we freeze her and wait for winter to pass and for the ground to thaw?" "Do both!" was the man's urgent reply, "I don't want to take any chances!"

21. A little boy threw a rock at another little boy and then spit on him. His father came out to talk to him and asked him‚ "Don't you realise the Devil inspired you to do this?" The little boy responded‚ "Well Dad‚ the Devil may have inspired me to throw the rock‚ but spitting in his eye was my own idea!"

22. An old grandfather used to fall asleep every Sunday in the church service, so the preacher made a deal with his grandson that if he would pinch his grandfather to keep him awake, then the preacher would give him a dime every Sunday. The little boy eagerly agreed. But then one Sunday the grandfather went to sleep and began to snore. So when the service was over the preacher went to the little boy and said‚ "I won't give you your dime this Sunday because your grandfather fell asleep and you didn't wake him up like you were supposed to!" "That's okay," said the little boy, "Grandpa paid me a quarter to let him sleep!"

23. "Mama!" said the little boy as he was kneeling down to say his bedtime prayers, "What does 'Fi-shu–die' mean?" "Fi-shu-die?" said the mother. "Yes, you know—'Fi-shu-die before I wake.'"

24. The little boy came home from Sunday school and told his mother about the new song they had sung about a bear. "You sang about a bear in Sunday school?" said the mother. "Yes," said the little boy, "his name is Gladly, and he's cross-eyed too! You know, 'Gladly the cross I'd bear'..."

25. Every time the little boy sat down to eat a meal he would spill his food and make spots on the table cloth, so his mother decided to fine him one penny for every spot‚ hoping that he would learn to be more careful. This worked real well until one day the mother noticed the little boy rubbing his finger in a circle. She said, "What are you doing?" The little boy responded, "I'm rubbing these three spots into one spot!"

26. "Hey, why was this pie so tough?" said the man to the waiter. "I don't know," responded the waiter, "what happened to the paper plate?"

27. At the Newspaper Boys Congress Dinner one little boy kept coming back again and again for pieces of pie. The coloured lady finally said to him, "Boy, if yo' don't stop eatin' pie, yo's gonna bust!" The little boy said, "Well, lady, gimme the pie and get outta the way!"

28. Then there's the one about the man who made his wife promise that she would never kiss another man, so all of her lovers wondered why she wouldn't kiss them!

29. When I was using my fingers at dinner one time my mother said, "Son, don't use your fingers!" "Well, why not?" I responded, "they were made before forks!" She said, "Well, not your fingers!"

30. Someone wrote on a wall in Austria:

"God is dead."—Nietsche.

And someone else added beneath it:

"Nietsche is dead."—God.

31. There's the story of the black boy during WWI who was sent with a message through enemy territory. To prevent being shot, he was told to "zigzag." When he returned all wounded and shot up, his officers asked him what had happened, and the boy responded, "Well, suh, I guess I musta' zagged when I shoulda' zigged, and zigged when I shoulda' zagged!"

32. It takes two years to learn to learn to talk, and the rest of your life to learn to keep your mouth shut!

33. Farmer John was sitting on the front porch of his house smoking his pipe when a neighbour ran up said, "Farmer Brown‚ Farmer Brown! Your wife's down there in the pasture with a great big black bear!" Farmer Brown took his pipe out, knocked it on the rail and put it back in his mouth‚ struck a match and lit it and said‚ "That old bear got himself into that, he can get himself out the best way he knows how!"

34. The messy little boy came to school one day and his teacher looked at his dirty face and said, "Johnny, I bet I know what you ate for breakfast this morning—eggs!" Johnny said, "No, I ate cereal this morning—I had eggs last night!"

35. As the missionary said to the guest, "Let us know what you need, and we'll show you how to get along without it!"

36. The politically-minded waiter said after he dropped the turkey, "That's the downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece and the breaking up of China!"

37. In America they waste so much food that many people when they eat out, ask for a "doggie bag" to take the scraps to their dog. One time one lady asked for a doggie bag at a nice restaurant and her little boy piped up‚ "Oh Mom, are we going to get a dog?"

38. Once my Grandmother invited the preacher to dinner and served my Grandfather's favourite delicious dessert. She offered seconds of the dessert several times, but the guest preacher kept refusing it.—But her husband kept eating and eating it and serving himself. My Grandmother tried to nudge him under the table with her foot to make him stop eating and leave some for the guest‚ until she even had to kick him several times to stop‚ but he kept on eating and the preacher would only refuse the offer. When the preacher left she said, "Lincoln, why did you eat all the dessert? I kept kicking you but you never left any for the preacher!" He answered, "Kick me? No one kicked me!"—She then realised to her horror she'd been kicking the preacher!

39. The little boy went with his mother to visit one of her friends. When he saw the friend he asked her, "Why do you have such fat legs?" His mother was horrified and took him aside to reprimand him and tell him it wasn't nice to embarrass people like that. So to make up for it later the little boy said‚ "It's not that your legs are so fat, it's just that your feet are so small!"

40. YOU'VE HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THE LITTLE BOY WHOSE PARENTS HAD SPOILED HIM ROTTEN. He was so contrary that he was never satisfied with anything but was always complaining about every little thing. Well, the parents decided one day that they would just humour him rather than try to fight it, so when dinner time rolled around and the spoiled brat didn't want to eat dinner, they asked him what he wanted to eat.

41. HE SAID, "I WANT A WORM!" thinking that they would never give him a worm, so then he wouldn't have to eat any dinner. So the parents said‚ "What kind of worm?" and the little boy said, "A worm from the garden."

42. SO THE FATHER WENT OUT TO THE GARDEN AND FOUND A NICE BIG WORM, and put it on the little boy's plate. The little boy looked down at it and started crying. "What's wrong?" said the parents. "I wanted it cooked!" cried the little boy. So the mother cooked it and then put it on the little boy's plate. He began to cry again and they said, what's wrong now? And the little boy said, "I want you to eat it with me!"

43. SO THE FATHER CUT THE WORM IN HALF and put half on his own plate. The little boy started crying harder than ever and said, "I want you to eat your half first!" So the father ate the half-a-worm in front of him, and the little boy cried harder than ever. "What's wrong?" the parents asked. The little boy sobbed, "You ate the half I wanted!!!"

44. In the days of the Wild West the preacher was giving the alter call at the old tent revival. "How many of you want to go to Heaven?" he asked, and several people stood up. The drunken cowboy pulled out both six-guns and started firing into the air as he mounted the little stage. "Preacher," he slurred, "you don't ask it right!" He turned to the congregation, pointed both guns at them and said, "Now how many of you want to go to Heaven?!"—Not a hand was raised!

45. One of grandmother's favourite poems:

Johnny ate bread,

Johnny ate jelly,

Johnny went to bed with a

Pain in his_______

Now don't be mistaken,

Don't be misled.

Johnny went to bed with a

Pain in his head!

46. "Dave," one preacher jokingly said after Dad preached two hours: "I think you are the Antichrist!—I've got proof!: You wear out the Saints!" (See Daniel 7:25.)

47. One little boy was asked once why he had such a long reach and he answered, "I was raised in a boarding house!"

48. One lady commented to another after Sunday service how the preacher's talk was so very deep! The other said, "He ain't deep, he just ain't clear!"

49. I used to love limburger cheese 'cause if you had any friend you didn't like you could easily get rid of them with a cheese sandwich!

50. MO says: With medication you can usually heal a bad cold in about two weeks, but with lots of rest and proper care you can get rid of it in about 14 days.

51. The smart guy said, "Me and my brother know everything!" His friend said‚ "Oh yea? What's electricity?" The smart guy replied, "That's one of the things my brother knows!"

52. The tough New Yorker and the proper Boston boy were walking through the park when the new Yorker said‚ "Listen to the boids, ain't they pretty?" But the Boston boy corrected him saying, "Those are not 'boids', those are birds!" To which the New Yorker replied, "Gee‚ they choip just like boids!"

53. During WWII a lot of the Americans stationed in Australia were marrying Australian girls. One day one American girlfriend of one of these soldiers wrote her ex–lover and asked, "What is it that the Australian girls have that we don't have?" The soldiers replied, "Nothing—but they've got it here!"

54. It's not that I don't gamble 'cause it is against my religion—it's just that I don't ever win!

55. Did I ever tell you the story about the mouse and the elephant? One day the big elephant met a tiny mouse and said‚ "Oh, you're just a teeny, tiny weakling—look how big and strong I am!"The little mouse replied sadly, "But I've been sick!"

56. An Indian Chief went to get a ham sandwich at the restaurant. The short order cook slapped together a ham sandwich for him. When the Chief looked at the thin-sliced ham he said, "You slice–um ham?" The cook answered‚ "Yes, Chief, me slice-um." The Chief said, "Darn near missed-um!"

57. I first knew I was getting old when a pretty young girl on the bus got up to give me her seat!

58. A man was drinking beer at the bar and he had to go to the bathroom, but he hadn't finished his beer. So that no one would drink it while he was gone, he put a note on it which stated: "I spit in this." When he came back from the bathroom he found the beer and the note to which someone had added; "I did too!"

59. One old farmer said, "Used to have two windmills at our farm, but there wasn't enough wind for two so we took one down!"

60. We don't need a dog—we have a Hound of Heaven!—Dad

61. I once heard of a newcomer in a nudist camp who kept holding his guitar in front of him. ...

62. A city slicker once visited a country farm and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow have horns?" The farmer answered, "Well‚ the reason that cow's got no horns is cuz 'at un's a mule!"

63. My father said of my mother—"She has three hands: She has a left hand, a right hand and a li'l behind hand!"

64. The old coloured boy was trying to join the church and the Pastor kept giving him the stall all the time—this excuse, that stall and the other stall. Finally the coloured boy prayed about it and said, "Lord, why dont they let me join that church?" The Lord said, "Sam don't feel bad about it—I've been trying to get into that church Myself for 25 years!"

65. The old Jew at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem cried, "I vant to be with my people, I vant to be with my people!" And the other Jew next to him said, "Hey buddy, what you talking about, you're with your people here in Jerusalem, this is the Wailing Wall!" The old Jew replied, "I vant to be with my people on Miami Beach!"

66. WE CAME TO VISIT THIS INSANE ASYLUM once and the director introduced us to this very fine-looking businessman—suit, coat and tie, looked very intelligent, very smart. The director said, "Now this gentleman is going to show you through the asylum and tell you all about the different cases in the different wards and so on. He's a very smart man‚ very intelligent, but he's one of the inmates—I'm not going to say what's wrong with him but eventually you'll find out."

67. SO THIS VERY SMART MAN ACTED AS OUR GUIDE and was telling us all about the different cases: "This man is crazy for this reason and this woman has that problem", and all these as they went along. Until finally he came to one man. This man had a funny looking hat on his head, he had one hand inside of his shirt like this, and he had this play sword strapped to his belt. And our guide pointed to his man and said, "Now this man here he thinks he's Napoleon!" But he said, "Isn't that crazy?—He's not Napoleon, because how could he be Napoleon when I'm Napoleon!"

68. The old lady in the very formal church kept shouting, "Amen! Praise the Lord!"—But it wasn't a place where they did that sort of thing. And the usher kept coming to her saying‚ "Sshhhhhhh! Don't make so much noise, sshhhhhhhh!" She said, "Why, I'm just praising God! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!" The preacher went along and he kept getting her inspired and she'd say it again. Pretty soon two of the ushers came, picked the little lady up by the elbows and paraded down the aisle carrying her out of the church like I've had them do to me. And she yelled out while they were carrying her down the aisle toward the door‚ "Well‚ praise God‚ Jesus only had one dumb ass to carry Him, I've got two!"

P.S. —If you want more MO Letters to cheer you up‚ write: