GN 1186 FD/MM/FM

By Maria 3603 6/06

Continued from GN 1183

[Cover quote:] Etiquette—those little acts of love and respect—are the strawberries and cream on the cake of life. Serve others generously and they will love you for it!

Courtesy in spoken communications

150. Clue people in on what's happening in group settings. If someone doesn't know what's going on, or they can't hear what's being talked about, or they can't see what's happening if there's a crowd, take the time to tell them what's going on. Don't just ignore people with a "sorry you missed it" attitude. Or if you're the one talking and you realize that not everyone can hear you, but that they want to hear what you're saying, talk louder so that more people can hear you.

151. Be attentive and show interest when someone talks to you. Look people in the eye when you're speaking to them, or they're speaking to you. This doesn't mean that you have to stare at them and never take your eyes off of their eyes‚ which could come across a little odd, or intimidating, but you should make some eye contact, in a relaxed and casual way. Eye contact tells people you're listening.

152. And if you're uncomfortable looking someone directly in the eyes for long periods of time, try focusing on the part of their face between the eyes and above the nose, and then looking into their eyes as often as you can. This "trick" will help you to feel more comfortable, and yet also ensure that your eyes aren't wandering every which way.

153. Don't cut people off to get your opinion in. If you let them finish what they have to say, they will be more likely to want to listen to what you have to say.

154. Interrupting people with no apology or acknowledgment is extremely rude. It's saying, "I don't care about you." Say "Excuse me," or "I'm so sorry to interrupt…." or "May I interrupt," if it becomes necessary to interrupt someone who is talking. Don't butt in and start talking as if nothing else and no one else matters but you and what you want to say.

155. It might even be appropriate after you've interrupted someone and they've allowed you to say your piece, to once again say something like, "Thank you for letting me interrupt you," or "Thank you. I'm sorry for interrupting you."

156. Don't finish people's sentences for them. It can make people think that either you're not listening to them, that you're impatient and in a rush, that you think you know exactly what they're going to say, or that you think they're unintelligent and aren't capable of completing their sentences.

157. Be patient, especially‚ with slow talkers who take longer to express themselves. It might be a temptation to finish their sentences for them, or to hurry the conversation along‚ but the polite and loving thing to do is just be patient and take the time needed to hear them out.

158. If your conversation with someone is interrupted for some reason‚ when you resume your talk, it's courteous to say something like, "You were telling me about...." or "Where were we?" Otherwise, people might think that you weren't that interested in the conversation and maybe that you're even happy for an excuse to go on to something else.

159. If you are called away from a conversation, acknowledge the person you were talking to with something like‚ "I'd like to finish this conversation another time…" or, "I'm sorry that I can't keep talking with you right now…" or simply, "Excuse me, please." Don't just drop them and take off.

160. When conversing with others‚ avoid:

161. Talk softly if there are people around who might be bothered by loud talking. Speak with a low voice when you are in a place where others might be disturbed—for example‚ if there are people sleeping nearby, or a mother is trying to put her baby to sleep.

162. Be kind to others in your speech. Just as you would do little good deeds for others to show your love and consideration for them, speak little good words of them in your conversations throughout the day. It's so easy to criticize or demean or talk about the problems or mistakes or failures of others, even in little, subtle putdowns or jabs. Strive instead to speak well of others, to love them rather than criticize them.

163. Be polite and strive for consideration and good etiquette in your speech habits. It will improve your quality of life, draw you closer to others, and make you a better sample of My love—both to those within the Family and those without.

164. Be quick to hear and at times slow to speak, especially when counseling with others.

165. It often takes a moment or two to give prayerful consideration to what has been said, as well as to prepare how you wish to respond. So engage your mind before you engage your mouth. And if it's going to take you a moment to formulate your reply, say something to let the other person know you're thinking about it.

166. Hurtful words linger long after they are spoken, and words that are spoken quickly and without much forethought can take a great many other words to explain and to clarify, or to apologize for.

167. Being willing to admit that you are wrong is a part of good manners, and works to create love in the hearts of others. If you can confess that you made a mistake, that your opinion was probably off in this or that matter, that you gave some bad advice or unwise counsel in some situation, it's a sign of love and makes others love you all the more. Love begets love. Rudeness or self-righteousness‚ on the other hand—a lack of courtesy, kindness, and good manners—begets anger and even confrontation.

168. In speaking, just as in driving, if you go slower you often get there quicker. Go slow, and your words will not as easily offend or hurt others because you take more time to prepare and give Me more time to check you.

169. There is much in the words of David and other pubs on how to communicate well and effectively. Read the Letters‚ the FSMs, the MOP, Good Thots, How to Love, and even book summaries on the MO site.

170. Polite words that can help you show respect for other people and improve overall social graces:

172. Acknowledge people who walk up to you when you are conversing with someone else. The reason they walk up to you is because they either need something from you or they're hoping to find someone to talk to. So say something like, "Hi, so-and-so! We were just talking about such-and-such, but did you need something?"

173. Or, if that person is coming to join in on the conversation, bring him or her into the conversation by explaining what you were just talking about. You could say something like, "We were just talking about when we were 16." It's rude and hurtful to leave a person standing there without acknowledging them; it's good manners to include them.

174. Of course, in some cases you might be talking about something that is inappropriate for the other person to join in on. This shouldn't generally be the case, as such private conversations should usually be conducted in private. But if you do slip and are having a private conversation in a public place where people might come up and join you—such as at a fellowship or a party or in a communal area—then you could say something like, "Hi, so-and-so! You're welcome to join us. We were just discussing some personal things‚ but we'll save that topic for later, since we'd love your company." And then go on to talk about something that is appropriate for all.

175. If someone wants to talk to you about something‚ but it's not a good time for you to talk, explain politely with something like, "I'd like to talk about this, but I just can't right now. Can we make a time when we can talk later?" Then suggest a time—and be faithful to follow through on it.

176. Don't buttonhole others. In other words‚ you, the "button‚" come along and push yourself in the "hole," so that you're locked in. For example, here's a buttonhole scenario. You see so-and-so going out the door, and you remember that you really want to talk to him about something. So you take him by the arm, maneuver him into a corner where he can't escape, and start talking to him. He will feel very obliged to listen to you because you have him buttonholed.

177. Another scenario: Maybe you're going through a battle and you really want someone to talk to, and lo and behold, one of your friends happens to walk by and you immediately start unloading nonstop. You don't pick up on their cues, such as them looking at their watch, their eyes wandering to the sandwich they were just about to eat, and the look of helplessness on their face because you've got them buttonholed.

178. Timing is important in conversations. Be mindful not to impose something that is important to you on others, if it's not the right time for them to listen to you. Give people the leeway to walk away from the conversation. Or better yet, ask them first if it's a good time or not.

179. Have a good sense of humor, but watch out for sarcasm. Sarcasm is not the same as humor‚ although some people get them confused and think both are funny. Good humor does not hurt anyone. Sarcasm is hurtful comments that mock people and put them down. For example‚ "I really like you because you have so many faults that I can talk about." A comment like that might seem funny and make a few people laugh, but not only does it hurt the person you made the comment about, but it calls your sincerity into question. Sarcasm is pride.

180. Be sensitive to people's mood and their condition or circumstances, such as if they had a poor night's sleep or just heard bad news. If you take note of these things, it will help you to know how to present things to them.

181. Try, as much as possible, to pronounce people's names correctly. This is important for those in or out of the Family. And if you are unsure of how to pronounce it, humbly ask, "I'm sorry, but how do you pronounce your name?"

182. And, on the other side of the coin, if you know that you have a name that is often pronounced wrong, help the person you are getting to know by saying something like‚ "I know that my name's a little bit unique, but it's said like this…" That way you avoid the other person feeling embarrassed that they didn't get it right.

183. Don't fidget with things when someone is talking to you. It makes it look like you're not interested in the speaker.

Courtesy in written communications

184. When writing business-related e-mails or letters, try to avoid a stiff, business-only message. While it takes a bit more time to add a few extra personal friendly touches, it can really make a difference in your interaction about the topic.

185. This doesn't mean that you need to get a prophecy of encouragement every time you write someone, or that you need to include a quote from one of the latest Letters in the opening paragraph. Just include something friendly and loving and personal, even if it's short.

186. It's love and good manners to get to know the people you communicate with via mail or e-mail or phone and find out what type of communication they like. Some people like things straight and to the point without any extra frills. Some people like things presented in a very flowery manner. Some people like lots of explanation about things.

187. So find out what those you communicate with appreciate, and try to accommodate their preferences. This means that if you're a "straight to the point" person, you should still try to add a few more frills or put more explanation into the notes you write to those who appreciate that kind of thing. Adapt your communications, and the way you write and express things, according to the needs of others. That's love.

188. (Dad:) If you take the time to write someone a note or a letter or a card, it is no doubt special to you‚ and you would feel hurt if it was not promptly and properly acknowledged, but was instead brushed off, ignored, or taken for granted. Do likewise when you receive notes‚ letters‚ cards, or gifts from others. Express your appreciation, and do it as soon as possible. And if such appreciation does not come naturally to you, ask the Lord to give you the words to say. And, depending on the communication or the gift, you might want to acknowledge it again later. "By the way, thanks again for that … I really appreciated your thinking of me!"

189. Always, always‚ without fail, send "thank you" notes—or at the very least verbal thanks and acknowledgment—to those who give to you; not just to those outside of the Family, but also to those in the Family who give you something or do something special for you. Nothing discourages people more than non-responsiveness to their acts of kindness and giving.

190. (Comment from a Family member:) "It seems difficult to get replies from some brethren. I wonder if we should have more etiquette in our e-mail. I know we can't legislate righteousness, but it is often the case that I receive no acknowledgments of my e-mails. I think I do in the majority of cases. But since in maybe 30% or more I don't, it seems a bit sad. Recently I took the time to write my regional board member with ideas (exciting ones, I thought), and things the Lord showed me, for the first time, but I didn't receive any reply. I do find this discouraging. This is not the first time this has happened, and I have also done it to others.

191. "I know we can't make it a policy, but I think those in WS are very good examples of at least punching the reply button and saying, 'Got it, txs!' Even this is very good and helpful. It would be nice to have something written about this. I know it's not always possible to reply right away, although I wish there was a speedier way to get replies."

192. (Mama:) Please take the time to reply when someone writes you! Everyone is busy, but please don't be too busy to show love and consideration for people's feelings and needs. As this person commented, even if you can only send a few words to acknowledge receiving their message, it's important and you should. And even if it takes you a while to acknowledge their message or to answer their questions or consider their proposals, you should still do it. Don't brush it off and just forget about it, thinking it's been so long now that it doesn't matter anymore. As you can see, dear Family, it does matter to people. So please have the decency to reply to people's e-mails to you.

193. And Family, please be patient in awaiting the response to your e-mail, realizing that many Family members get dozens or even hundreds of e–mails every day‚ and it takes a long time to go through them—much less to consider all the points, counsel about them with others, pray about them, etc. E-mail can be very fast, but arriving at a consensus and making decisions through prayer, counsel and prophecy can take much longer.

194. Don't get going so fast in your e-mail correspondence that you let the niceties slip. Don't let your notes become too curt. Even if you write a short note, it should still be polite. You should always be respectful that you are taking someone's time to read your note, so make sure your notes are loving and appreciative toward them, and not just curt orders or instructions or requests, if at all possible.

195. Typing in all caps in e–mail normally stands for shouting, rather than conveying importance or urgency, and is regarded as rude.

196. Spell people's names correctly. If you don't know the proper spelling, ask them, or ask someone who does.

Courtesy in phone communications

219. When talking on the phone, speak clearly and identify yourself right away. If you are the one on the receiving end of a phone call and the other person has not identified themselves, then ask politely who is calling.

220. When talking on the phone, you need to be friendly and give the necessary information. People, especially those of the older generation, perceive things like a curt response on the telephone as impolite.

221. When you phone someone, unless it's an emergency‚ you should ask them if this is a good time for them to talk, or if they would like you to call back later. This gives them the option of either telling you that it is a good time to talk, or if it's not, to call them later.

222. Smile when you're on the telephone, because believe it or not, a smile can be "heard." If you're smiling and happy, then the person on the other end of the phone gets that in the spirit. If you're frowning and your expression is not a happy one, or you sound like you wish you didn't have to be talking to that person on the phone, it comes across too.

223. You don't want to be yelling into the earpiece, but be sure that you speak loudly enough when on the phone. It's your responsibility, as the caller‚ to make your words heard. It's even worthwhile to ask sometime in the beginning of the conversation, "Can you hear me clearly enough? Am I being loud enough?"

224. When you're on the telephone, it's best to stick to doing only that. Don't engage in other activities that could be distracting either for you or the person on the other end of the call. It is especially rude to be chewing, eating, drinking, blowing your nose, or other such things while on the phone.

Mealtime manners

229. Let someone else take the biggest piece. Let someone else take the last piece.

230. If there are a variety of food items being served, and there's not enough of each thing for everyone (such as a plate of different types of cookies, or different types of sandwiches on a platter), then offer for others to choose what they would like before you take what you prefer.

231. Resist the temptation to gobble up your food and dart back to work.

232. There are countries in which eating with your hands is not only permissible, but also good; in other countries it would be a disgrace. Learn the proper way to eat for the culture that you are in, so that it is clean and presentable and acceptable.

233. Take a few minutes to comb your hair‚ to wash your face and hands, and maybe put on a light splash of cologne before meals. Looking nice and smelling good when you come to meals is consideration.

234. Try this: Each person serves someone else their plate of food during one specified meal time. Ask the person how much he wants of the different foods, and if there are choices in foods, what he would like, etc. The idea of this is to have practice in serving someone else, and taking care of their needs before your own.

235. Poor table manners work against the weapon of brotherhood and unity, because you aren't putting forth the effort to make others' experience with you at the table pleasant.

236. Ensure that you are employing the following basic manners:

237. When conversing at mealtimes:

238. At meals, see if there is a need and fill it—for example, for water or cups. Or get and pass out napkins if you notice that there aren't any or enough of them on the table.

239. Ask if you can get something for anyone else when you leave the table to get something for yourself. For example, if you're getting up at the end of dinner to get yourself a piece of fruit, ask if anyone else at the table would like a piece also. Or, take the initiative and bring a bowl of fruit, just in case.

240. When serving your food, don't overload your plate. Going back for seconds or thirds, when there is enough food‚ is perfectly acceptable. That's better manners, and more loving, than taking a horse's portion the first time around, which can sometimes cause other people to miss out. And it's better than serving yourself too much and then wasting it.

241. Even if you don't like what is being served‚ try to eat a little bit of what is set before you, "giving thanks." When you do this‚ it not only shows the cook appreciation, but it's also a good sample to the children. If you're eating in someone else's house as their guest, it's doubly important.

242. Learn how to eat messy foods properly. For example, when eating spaghetti‚ wind a little around your fork into a bite-sized portion. It's proper to use a spoon to help you do that. Don't slurp up the noodles, or let them dangle messily from your fork.

243. When putting things like butter, mayonnaise, mustard, ketchup, peanut butter, honey, and other condiments, on your bread—or on other things, such as pancakes or potatoes—it's good manners to take a bit from the jar and put it on your plate, and then spread it from there. Once your knife has touched the bread (or whatever other item you're eating), it's best not to put it back into the jar‚ as then you can get crumbs or pieces of the food in the butter, peanut butter, honey, etc. This is not just good manners, but it helps the condiments not to get mixed together, and prevents contamination.

244. When possible, especially in our communal Homes, it's good to have as many of the condiments as possible—like the honey and the ketchup and mustard—in containers that you can squeeze from, rather than having to dip a knife into.

245. Don't put your spoon or fork into a jar or container, then stick it in your mouth, and put that same utensil back in to have another bite or serve yourself more. This is unacceptable, and by doing so you may be responsible for passing your germs on to others—or at the very least‚ spoiling the food.

Dining Etiquette: An Overview of Cross-Cultural Dining Etiquette [Box]

To be continued