Post-it GN #7

Kristen's Lessons and the Lord's Counsel to Her

By MariaMaria #606 CM/FM 3391 8/01

Dearest Family‚

1. In this GN you'll read the beautiful lessons and open-heart confessions of dear Kristen. She has bared all before you, her mates, in the hope that it will help you learn to recognize the danger signals of walking down a path of unyieldedness or negativity; or if you're already entangled in that web‚ that it will help you fight to pull out of it. The Lord has spoken to her with some very good specific counsel and keys to overcoming. Please pray that you can personally get all you can out of the helpful instruction and explanations the Lord gave her.

2. Kristen has become a wonderful sample of openness. She's not naturally that way; she's naturally very private and doesn't relish communicating. But when the Lord told her how important it was for her to be completely honest—and in fact that she wouldn't make it without help—she opened up completely and welcomed it.

3. Because of her yieldedness, the Lord has been able to give her the victories she wanted so desperately. This is a very important point. She probably would not have made it if she had insisted on trying to do things on her own, or if she'd been unwilling to share her deepest thoughts and fears and secrets. It all had to be exposed in order for her to receive the specific help and shepherding that she needed.

4. No matter what the problem is in your life, it helps to have others pray with you and fight alongside you. It's humbling to confess you've got a problem, but if you don't get help, often it only results in the problem dragging on longer and getting worse‚ until you absolutely have to get help because you can't make it anymore. Either that, or it eventually destroys your life or usefulness‚ if even at that desperate point you aren't willing to sacrifice your pride in order to ask for help and let someone see how bad your situation really is.

5. Kristen had a very advanced case of anorexia, which stemmed from unyieldedness and negativity. She had tried and tried to overcome it on her own. But when she realized that she was at the end of her rope, and became desperate enough to want help and was willing to do anything to get the victory, the Lord came through for her wonderfully and she has been delivered! You can be too! Please be encouraged by Kristen's example. There's nothing too hard for the Lord!

6. Please keep in mind that the reason we're sharing this with you, with Kristen's permission and encouragement, is because we want you to be able to learn and benefit from her lessons. It's not to put her on the hot seat or expose how bad she is. She has willingly done this very humbling thing of sharing it all with you in order to give you the chance to benefit from it. Please take it as a priceless opportunity to learn and grow. You may not have problems with anorexia, but you can apply the spiritual principles in this Letter to your own battles. Ask the Lord to help you get all you can out of it, as His Words shine the spotlight on your heart and life. I love you!

Love, Mama

7. P.S. Before reading this, please stop and ask the Lord to protect you from any attacks of the Enemy as a result of reading these lessons and becoming more aware of the Enemy and his tactics. We're publishing many of the details of Kristen's battles because it's important for you to be able to recognize the Enemy‚ and for you who are shepherds, parents or friends of someone who is facing similar battles to have more insight into the way the Enemy fights them. But it's also a well–known fact that anorexia and other eating disorders are contagious, and we wouldn't want anyone developing battles as a result of reading the details of someone else's battles. We prayed many times and the Lord confirmed that it was necessary to publish this so that the Enemy is exposed and so those who are struggling can get the help they need. But please pray and call on the keys for protection against any attacks or battles that the Enemy would try to hit you with as a result of being aware of his devices in this area. And you who are parents and shepherds, please be prayerful about when and how this material is shared with young teens in particular, and what parts you share. Thanks! We're praying for you too.

Excerpts of a Note to Kristen from Mama, Day 5

Dear Kristen,

8. I love you so very much and I really admire you for your yieldedness and for being such a fighter. Those two characteristics together make a strong team, and I'm convinced that you're going to fight the good fight and come out on top‚ the victor! Of course, we all know that Jesus is the victor, but if we yield to what He wants in our lives then we're conquerors also! Thanks for your letters and prophecies. The Lord really speaks to you clearly‚ Honey! What a wonderful gift and token of His love! Every word He speaks to you is true, so believe Him and don't believe anything that is contrary to what He tells you.

9. Keep saying yes, Kristen, and keep yielding and the Lord will bring you through. He wants it even more than you do‚ so if you want it as much as you do, think how much the Lord wants it. We love you so much!

Much love, Mama

10. P.S. Sweetheart, would you mind if we use excerpts of the letter I wrote you, as well as your united prayer request and some of your prophecies, to explain your prayer requests to the folks here so they will be able to understand and to pray for you? I know this will be very humbling for you and another test of faith‚ but it will be well worth it. It's very important that everyone be in unity about what the Lord is doing in your life, not only so they can pray for you, but also so they can learn from your lessons so that they can fight the Enemy in their own lives. You can be encouraged, Honey, that your lessons will benefit others and help them to search their own hearts for anything that they need to have help in.

To Mama from Kristen, Day 5

Dearest Mama,

11. I love you so much and am extremely thankful for the notes of encouragement that you've been sending me. They mean so very much and are very helpful.

12. Today has been a very tough day! I'm in the middle of a war—at least that's how I feel! I'm not used to eating this much food and I feel quite sick. I guess I'm just really not used to having this much food in me. We knew that there would be pain for me and that it's going to take time to heal my stomach to where I can process foods, but it's still hard to go through the tummy aches and nausea. But, praise the Lord, I do still want to change!

13. I've gone through this part before, but gave up. But this time I have so much help and prayer and I'm doing my very best to fight the mind battles, so I have faith that this time of trial won't be in vain. I'm only three days into it and am feeling so impatient and I want this to end already! Gosh, I just need more faith and perseverance, huh?

14. Here are the first of the nine questions that you asked me to bring before the Lord. What I'll do is include the Lord's answer first and then at the end I'll give my confirmation to it with examples, like you asked for. I love you so much and can't thank you enough for how you're helping me‚ giving Gabe and Amy and Natasha the time to help me, and for showing so much faith and love for me. I really, really appreciate it. I love you so much and will be forever in your debt.

Love‚ Kristen

15. (Question:) What unyieldedness do I have in my life? What am I not accepting? In what way am I rebelling against Your will and truth? What is stopping me from receiving the full victory You want to give me?

16. (Jesus speaking:) The main thing that is stopping you, as I have said before, is your unyieldedness. I want you to now have this blessing of yieldedness, and to get it you must forsake your hang-ups, your trips, and your thoughts about what is beautiful. You'll need to purge your heart and mind of what you think is pretty.

17. Pretty is being what I want you to be, and learning to thank Me for what you consider to be your flaws. I see no flaws in My handiwork. Maybe it's something that you have that is different from someone else, but that doesn't make it a flaw. You've seen that after a long time you've learned to be able to be happy and contented with your height. This was a huge hurdle for you to leap over, but you did it! I allowed you to overcome that problem to show you that it is possible for you to overcome in this area too, with time.

18. You need to see that My will for you is to not be a small, skin-and-bones type of girl. That was not what I intended when I made you. When I made you‚ I wanted you to be more athletic‚ bigger, stronger, and more of a Brunheld—to show that I can take someone who is powerful in the flesh and give her a meek, humble‚ and quiet spirit.

19. You should learn to look at this gift that I've given you of being a warrior in the physical as something that is a good thing—a blessing. I don't want you to become sick and unhealthy because you're trying to turn yourself into something that you're not. I don't want you to go to the extreme or feel that you could never be womanly because you'll just be such a brute! No, I still want you to be like a woman, but you're not petite. Your greatest and highest unyieldedness is that you refuse to accept that. My will for you is to be womanly, not a skeleton. Your reluctance and refusal to accept this aspect of yourself and My will for you (which I have made very plain) is what is making your healing impossible.

20. There are no impossibilities to Me, but when you refuse to let Me change your heart because you don't want the outcome, then it is impossible for Me, because you've tied My hands. Unloose My hands by saying yes, by seeing that there's nothing wrong with the way that I made you. It doesn't mean that you're unlovely‚ unladylike, or undisciplined because you have a different physique than other women. In time, if you strive to see the beauty in My creation—you—then you'll be able to overcome wholly. For now‚ it might take a bit more faith, but if that's what it takes, so be it.

21. Darling‚ it has come to that; it has come to just trusting Me—saying that whatever the change means to your body, you accept it. I know that this is hard for you. I know that you don't want this. I know that you feel bitter against Me that I didn't make you with smaller bones, a better metabolism, and a nicer body. Well, that is very wrong. That is not right to Me, and not right to yourself. You are beautiful. You are My creation and I'm proud of you.

22. Don't compare with other girls who are smaller and seem to have it so much better than you. You feel that I dealt you a bad hand in that you aren't how you want to look. Well, I knew that this is what would be best for you. I have a plan and a purpose for all of My children, and I made you with a stronger body, with bigger bones, and a tall, large frame because I knew what you would need to do in your life and walk for Me, what lessons it would teach you, and how it would become one of your strengths. You've felt the pains that a lot of girls go through about their weight, their size, and their insecurities—and you will overcome them and then be able to help others because they'll know that you understand; you've felt their pain and have overcome.

23. The victory is there for you. You will be able to accept how I made you. It's not impossible, especially if you cry out to Me when those thoughts come that cause you to feel bitter and angry with Me for how I made you. Do not voice your thoughts about how "unfair" it is. Don't speak those things out loud, and certainly don't harbor those thoughts in your heart and mind. They are what break down the progress that you're making.

24. Stop comparing. It's going to be as simple as that, because I'll be helping you. I'll be lifting you up in My arms and helping you to not look at My other brides and think that I must like them so much better because I gave them such a nice, little, pretty frame. No, I love all My brides the same, whether big or small, voluptuous, small-chested, or whatever the case may be.

25. I have many tastes, and to Me, you are all the most beautiful because you all have a unique beauty that belongs only to you. It's the thing that I love most about you. In your case, it's your large frame—that's what I love, and that's a touch of My hand that endears you to Me. And if you can learn to accept it, love it, be thankful for it, and complement it by thanking Me for it and liking it, then it will make Me love you all the more—because it will bring that part of you more to the fore. You won't be trying to hide it through fear. You won't be trying to cover it up, diet it away (and in the meantime, pull yourself away from Me and become unhealthy and sickly), or compare and think ill thoughts about My other brides who have what you want.

26. I give you all something that you're not happy with, but it's often just the thing that is My favorite part about you! If you can trust Me and see the good in these little touches of love‚ then you'll be able to accept it much better.

27. I want you to accept your frame; it's what I like about you‚ and it's what Lawrence likes about you too. It's sexy, and it's something that you have lost now that you've dieted it away. Any weight that you gain will only add to your beauty and sexiness. There's nothing sexy about your ribs, I have to tell you this plainly.

28. So just learn to be happy with how I made you. This is the prime directive for you right now. This is the most important thing, in a lot of ways, because this fear of becoming what I made you to be is what's holding you back from yielding your all. But if you could see the beauty that you could have if you would obey and say yes fully, it would make it so much easier for you, because you'd be able to see that I'm not trying to make you ugly or fat; I'm trying to enhance your beauty both physically and spiritually.

29. So let Me enhance your beauty by yielding to Me in this area, and then the road will be much plainer and easier to walk down. I love you and will help you to see the light and to change your thoughts and do what I ask of you without trials and troubles and tribulations‚ and then you will become that beautiful, sexy bride that I want back. I miss you and want to see that beautiful body again that I liked so much more!—And soon! You can do it! And you'll be so happy you did! (End of message from Jesus)

(Kristen's note to Mama continues:)

30. Hi, Mama. It's me again. I feel so sorry for all the things that I'm about to say, but you told me to be honest, no matter how bad it sounds. So I want to apologize right now for how bad all of these little notes at the end of the P&Ps will be, because this is what I've been thinking and how I feel. I wish that it could sound pretty and nice, but it won't, and for that I want you to know that I'm really sorry.

31. I'm finding myself in a dilemma here: Should I speak about these things in the past tense or present tense? I don't want to keep telling you that I think all these things now, because I'm trying to fight them; but then at the same time, I don't want to make you think that these thoughts and fears are all 100 percent in the past, because I do still have to fight them all day long.

32. This message is all true. I have bitterness in my heart and mind against the Lord for how He made me. I feel that it's so unfair that I have to watch my weight‚ that I will always look big, ugly, and fat because my bones are so huge and I'm muscular. I feel that it's so unfair that others I live with can be so thin, eat so much, and never work out‚ and they look so pretty and ladylike. And then there's me—I'm big, tall‚ muscular‚ and I feel like there isn't a ladylike bone in my body! I've wished that there were a way that I could diet away bone, that's how I've been feeling. I look at girls like that and it just makes me angry and I feel so slighted.

33. So many times in my life the guys have gone for the little girls, the cute girls, the ones that are just so tiny and they make the guys feel so nice and manly to "protect" them. Well, in my case, it's almost like I'm the one to say, "Here, boy, let me protect you," and it's such a trial. I don't think that I've ever been able to accept myself. I've always had trials about my weight, ever since I was about 11 years old, and I've dieted off and on for years.

34. (Mama: ) Take note, men! This is a very important point. Your comments and reactions and the attention you show, and to whom, really affects the women and their perceptions of themselves. Thoughtless and insensitive comments can send women and girls down the path of an eating disorder that can affect their health and their life for years! Read what one senior teen girl had to say about such comments in the last Letter we wrote about eating disorders. (See "Mama's Memos No.11," ML #3253:2-18, GN 858.)

35. I am the type of girl that is the voluptuous type—the big bottom, legs‚ and breasts. I don't like it. But this prophecy really has spoken to me. I will read it over and over again because I feel that this is the key. The very big, bad core of the matter of my anorexia is that I don't want to be big; I don't want to be how the Lord made me. I see thin as the ultimate goal. I wish I didn't and that my mind was totally changed (and I can feel that it is changing), but it will be a slow process.

36. I just have always put myself down in my mind, time and time again, for years. There's always some girl who is thinner, can eat anything she wants, and just be so confident and happy, and I wanted to be that. So I sold my mind to the Devil for it, I guess.

37. At the beginning it took work for me to condition myself to not eat, to diet at this extreme amount. But then after about two months, it got to where I couldn't stop it, so I don't know when the tables finally turned to where I had no control. I just wish that I could go back and change that one decision and things would be different now. But I guess in a lot of ways this has taught me and changed me.

38. This is my big breaking—the type that I was always scared of as a kid!—The type you'd read about in the DBs about so-and-so's big breaking, and I was so worried that one day it would happen to me. I'm the type that can be really good on the outside, but will have so much going on in my mind. Of course‚ once anyone gets to know me‚ they say that my face is an open book.

39. But anyway, I'm having my big breaking, and I'm finding that once you get over the hump, the initial shock of, "I'm that bad! Oh no! How humbling! What will everyone think of me?"—then it's not that bad! The Lord is merciful and I know that this is exactly what I need. I'm just bubbling over with gratitude 'cause I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not have done even a ten-minute segment of the last three days without some serious prayer and help from others. Thank you so much for giving me the help that I need.

40. Oh, about sharing my prayer requests and prophecy excerpts with others, that's totally fine. Please do. Please feel free to say whatever you like to everyone there about me, any specifics you feel are needed or whatever. It's open–book time!

41. I'm so thankful for your love, your acceptance‚ and help. I can't do this without help and oversight. I also am so thankful that you said you believe me, and you don't think that I'm just trying to butter you up. I'm not. I'm telling you truths here that I never thought I'd be able to voice, like me being bitter about other girls' frames, etc. Please know that even though this is going to be hard and I'm choking up sometimes with all that I need to change‚ it's good and I'm so thankful. I want a new life, and by the Lord's grace‚ I've got it! Yippeee! I love you so much. Until next time…

Love, Kristen

Prophecy About Kristen's Sprained Ankle And Get-Outs, Day 6

[Note: A few days prior to this, Kristen fell while walking downhill during her get-out and sprained her ankle. She has a weak ankle that she'd sprained before, and it gave out on her again, resulting in a painful sprain.]

42. (Mama:) Kristen asked her shepherds when she could start exercising again‚ and asked that someone else pray about it. God bless her‚ she took it in faith, even though her desire to have extreme exercise was very strong and almost overwhelming at that time. The Lord honored her obedience, and things have since gotten much easier for her, thank the Lord. Here is the Lord's message to her.

43. (Jesus speaking:) Kristen's sprained ankle is not an accident, not just a slip of the foot that resulted in the sprain, but I allowed it in order to stop her. I knew that she was too weak in herself to resist pushing herself beyond the point that's good for her. She's addicted to the adrenaline rush that she gets from high-impact aerobics, and I knew it would be too much for her to resist on her own without some help from Me‚ so I allowed her to sprain her ankle so that she's forced to take it easy physically and not continue to overdo and push her body beyond its limit.

44. She's like the little lamb whose leg the shepherd had to break so that he could nurse it back to health again, and in the process teach the lamb to stay close to his side and not run off. Kristen is an independent lamb‚ someone who's used to doing whatever she likes with her body, but it's gotten to the point that she can't wisely judge what's good for her and what's bad for her. I intervened and allowed her to sprain her ankle in order to stop her from abusing her body with excessive exercise at a time when her body needs rest more than anything.

45. She's run down and very weak physically; her physical resources are depleted to the point that she's very sick. But even in spite of this, she doesn't know what's good for her body and thinks that exercise will do her good and make her feel better. But she's wrong. Exercise won't make her feel better at all; in fact, if she insists on exercising her already very weakened body right now, she'll make herself worse.

46. In some cases, exercise is good even when someone is sick, but not in Kristen's case right now. Her exercising is part of Kristen's sickness and problem; it's leaning on the arm of the flesh, self-works, attempting to work in the flesh to make herself happy. It just won't work because I won't bless it. I won't bless her exercise with the results that she wants until she learns to look to Me for her happiness, her health, and all her needs.

47. Like an alcoholic, she doesn't think that she can be happy without her "drink‚" without her fix; that she'll just get more depressed and battle even more in her mind unless she exercises. But this is not true and she needs to realize that this is the wrong attitude. She's made a commitment and I'm holding her to it. I'm helping her to keep her commitment, and she needs to look at her sprained ankle as a touch of My love for her, a way of escape to make it easy for her to do the right thing.

48. This is a test for Kristen‚ but it's one that she needs to accept and pass in order to continue making progress in this spiritual battle. She's being attacked from all sides, but if she'll fight the attacks now and not fall back into her old ways and routines‚ she'll move forward and pass the test and become stronger for the next round of battles.

49. The desire to overexercise will be a constant desire in her life for some time to come, but just because she desires it and thinks she can't feel good without it—just like the alcoholic wants a drink—doesn't mean it's the right thing for her. Exercising will perpetuate her wrong attitudes and her leaning on the arm of the flesh. Her body doesn't need vigorous exercise right now, and it won't need it for some time to come, but especially not right now.

50. Her body needs physical rest, bed rest‚ and relaxation. She should be striving to do things that will enhance her ability to rest and relax. She needs to learn to relax physically and to enjoy relaxing, to treat her body more gently and tenderly and not be so extreme and demanding. She should read up on relaxation and try using different methods to learn to relax, whatever works for her—whether it is taking a bath, listening to soft music, soaking her feet, thinking relaxing thoughts, or self–massage. The stressful pace she's been pushing her body at is part of the problem; she needs to slow down and take it easy or she'll compound the problem even more, and I may have to take even more drastic measures to slow her down.

51. The battle in her mind will not be won by exercising, and she needs to accept this and start fighting with the right weapons of the spirit and not the flesh. She can look at the situation with exercise much as an alcoholic, except in her case there's a chance that she'll be allowed to "drink" again if she's obedient and does well now. She needs to do all that she can now to rest her body‚ to treat it with compassion and care, nurture it, and nurse it back to health with food and rest. She needs extra sleep, and bed rest at times during the day. She needs to learn to physically rest her body so it can recover from the strain it's been under.

52. She's malnourished and does not need a vigorous exercise program to regain her health. She needs a very low-key physical lifestyle for some time to come. The high-powered pace she's put her body through has contributed to her state of depression and ill mental health. She's been feeding her body stress. The more stress she put her body through, the more adrenaline she pumped into her body, the less and less happy she's become, because it's not the answer. She thinks it will make her happy, will give her peace of mind, and ward off her feelings of depression. Even though to some extent it's true that exercise combats the depression blues, in her case, because she's been overly extreme, the Enemy has used it to work against her.

53. The day will come when she's recovered enough to exercise again, but for now, in the beginning stages of her battle for her health, and with her sprained ankle, she would do best to rest, relax, spend more time with Me‚ and occupy her mind with her ministry, with prayer for others, projects, other work that she's able to do‚ and not with exercise.

54. The only thing that would be safe for her body right now would be stretches. She might think that in the natural it would be fine to do upper body workouts that won't affect her ankle and won't be too stressful, but she needs rest. Exercise is not necessary for her recovery right now, neither physically nor spiritually, and could even set her back spiritually.

55. She needs to continue to take a stand against the Enemy and his lies, and stopping her exercise while her ankle is sprained is part of that stand. I will speak to you and show you when she can be allowed to resume some exercise. (End of message from Jesus.)

To Mama from Kristen, Day 7

56. (Question: ) What do I need to do to get rid of that unyieldedness, lack of acceptance, and rebellion?

57. (Jesus speaking: ) You simply must believe. I know you're thinking that for you it really isn't that simple, but that's just the Enemy trying to clog up your mind with fears and worries. He's telling you all the reasons why you should resist‚ that you should say that "this is too much" and "that is too much," you're being pushed too hard, and all these other lies that he's clouding your mind with.

58. I know that you're fearful of giving the Enemy too much credit in admitting that these thoughts are of him when you think that they're just your own damned self. Well‚ yes, partly it is your damned self, because you're allowing these thoughts to come in; you're giving place to them. But I said give no place to the Devil. Don't let him in for an instant! It's not undisciplined for you to rebuke him, for you to learn that you don't need to work out so much, you don't need to eat so little, and you don't need to keep degrading yourself, saying such horrible things to yourself and always being on such a negative channel.

59. Whatever is not good, whatever causes you to feel discontent, bitter, dissatisfied or unhappy is not of Me. It's just the Enemy coming in, and you're letting him stomp all over you. One little unhappy thought leads to unyieldedness, then to rebellion, then to complete disobedience and angry thoughts. He's got his nose in and he's coming in for tea. He's so used to being completely welcome that he can come in without even knocking and start rummaging through the fridge! That's how much sway that Ol' Boy has got in your mind.

60. But you've gotta teach him that he is no longer welcome. You have not wanted him to come in for a long time now, but you're not making that clear enough. You're like‚ "Oh, Devil, I'd really like to have my room (mind) to myself right now"—but he can just laugh off your feeble attempt and keep going. But now you've got to stand your ground, chase him out with the Word‚ and do your best to never let him in again.

61. How can you do your best to never let him in?—By quoting Scripture, and by allowing others to help. If you felt like a burglar was coming to rob you, you wouldn't sit there alone with a little flashlight. No, you'd get a whole team together with clubs to clobber him! I am the Good Shepherd and I'm there with a big stick to chase the Devil away! So come and hide behind Me and I'll protect you. I'll keep you from the Wicked One.

62. So the answer to your question about how you can get rid of your rebellion, lack of yieldedness, and lack of acceptance, is just to stop letting the Devil in. Stop it, once and for all! Kick him out! Yell, scream, rebuke! Fill your mind with God's Words and quote them, too. Get some fighting songs and sing along. Do anything! Just don't get your mind on the negative, because right now there's a slide right at the door; you don't even have to hardly open it and you're right back down in that cesspool again.

63. You have to fight all the harder, quote the Word even more vigilantly‚ and rebuke more firmly than you ever have in your entire life‚ because you're so close to the edge and it would be so easy for you to slip right back into your old ways and fall even deeper. You don't want that, do you? I know you don't. So fight! Fight with all your might!

64. Do what Grandmother did, and punch the air! Fight the Devil physically if that will help to keep your mind focused on the battle that's going on in your mind. It's so easy for you to fall under and to let the discouragement and the depression get you down. It overcomes you so quickly and you feel powerless to fight. So punch the air and quote Scriptures while you do it. Or just say, "I fight you, Satan! I resist you, Devil, in Jesus' name‚" if that's all you can do.

65. Even if all you can say is the word "Jesus," that'll send him running! If you don't have enough mental and spiritual strength in yourself to pull out eloquent fighting quotes or words to express your feelings, but you just have to say something, say the name "Jesus" and that will do the trick! It will help you to get your mind off the Enemy and off the battle and on to Me.

66. So punch the Devil and fight him, and if you can keep him from coming in with one little thought, then you will also have the victory over the ones that come after it—the rebellious ones, the fearful ones, the unyielded ones. It will take you staying militant and not letting the Enemy have one inch in your mind or heart. It's that important and that serious that you fight it, that you keep him out. And soon you'll realize that he won't be coming in so much.

67. Right now he's standing at the door of your mind and is pushing so hard, you and all the ones helping you in prayer are striving to hold the door closed. But ultimately the choice is up to you; you're holding the handle and you could unlock it and let him in. You want to sometimes‚ because his voice is almost hypnotizing for you. He brings goodies to your mind, poisonous pills, but to you they look like little candies and you still want them sometimes‚ or you crave them. But you can't unlock that door! You have so many people helping you to keep that door shut, and he's on the other side. He's fuming mad, but he's still speaking such soothing words to you‚ you're tempted to listen and obey. But don't do it. Don't let him have any little bit of control over you.

68. Scream at him, pray, quote the Word so that you can't hear his voice, because it will kill you. That is his ultimate goal. He was working very hard on you, on feeding you the full dosage of poison that would eventually kill you, if not sooner, then later. But now that you've quit and are resisting him, he's furious, and he's even madder that you've got others rallying behind you to help you fight him. He's pushing, shoving and screaming in your mind too, because he's desperate. He wants to have you back. But don't listen to him. Fight it!

69. Do whatever it takes to fight him. Don't let him in, because he won't just take an inch, and then the next time you talk with your support group you'll be back to the way you were before. It's a crucial time in your life right now, and if you let him in one little, tiny, itty-bitty bit‚ you'll lose a battle. You may not lose the whole war, but it will shoot holes in your morale and will make the next battle that much harder. [Note: The "support group" which the Lord refers to above consisted of Amy, Gabe, Natasha and Lawrence (Kristen's boyfriend), who met with her regularly for prayer and discussion.]

70. Don't let him regain any ground. He's on the defensive now and he doesn't like it. He's fuming mad and he's doing his darnedest to get you to quit. Don't quit and don't let him in for one instant‚ and then you will have the victory. But if you happen to start thinking a bad thought, don't get discouraged and totally give up either. Because discouragement will be one of the tactics that he'll try next, to keep you from gaining the victories that you need.

71. So fight him now and fight him always. Quote, sing, fight, pray, punch—do whatever it takes to keep him out! Don't let him in; don't even listen to him. (End of message from Jesus.)

(Kristen's note to Mama continues:)

72. Something came to mind when the Lord was talking about how the Devil is speaking such seemingly tempting and soothing words to me. I was reminded of this one wizard-gone-bad in this novel I read once, and it helped me to relate to this message and exactly what the Lord is saying here. There was this one wizard who had this soothing voice—not that his voice necessarily was all that pretty, but the way his voice made these people feel was so good. He'd pretend that he really cared about their well-being, and he could trap them just by talking to them because he was so clever with his words. Even people that were strong and knew that he had this talent would find themselves falling under his grasp because he was so good at talking. Then he'd enslave them and really didn't care about anyone but himself, and he was a real bad guy. But he just was so good at convincing even his sworn enemies that he was actually on their side, simply by talking to them.

73. So being reminded of that helps me to clearly see that that's just how the Devil is to me right now. I've been so tricked and so duped into thinking that what he's telling me to do is what will make me happy, that I shouldn't want to change, that people don't know what is best for me and they don't want what is best for me, or that I know better in all diet and exercise-related issues‚ or I know what works for me and that kind of stuff. That is something that I'm still having to work on.

74. But like the Lord said, I just have to physically fight sometimes and call on Jesus' Name, because I'm too susceptible to the Devil's lies. I still hear them as a soothing voice instead of the wicked scream that others can see and hear it as.

75. Something that happened today that was really bad was I went out to a restaurant with Lawrence and one of my other friends for a special lunch (that isn't the bad part, by the way)‚ and I ate some food there and was very full, and on the drive home I started feeling so rebellious because I felt like I should be able to dictate when I eat and when I don't eat, and I was worrying about the snack and dinner yet to come, and I just got on such a negative channel. By the time we made it home, I said, "I'm not eating anything else today!"

76. I just really got hit. I told Amy and Natasha in our talk after lunch that I felt very rebellious about eating. I had eaten a lot, so they said it was okay that I not have my snack but have a bigger dinner. I'm so thankful for that. I feel, though, that because of my attitude about it, I didn't deserve that kindness. I didn't realize till getting this prophecy that I let the Enemy in, and my attitude just got worse and worse all the way home and I didn't fight it; I just let him have a heyday with me. I feel so bad about that. I wish I were a better fighter. I wish I could recognize these attacks quicker before I get so irate and frustrated.

77. I also did a boo-boo that I need to confess. I feel very bad about it. It's something that I did out of habit and it was very wrong. Remember how I said that I wouldn't count calories or go [online] to sites to check, etc.? Well, I did just that. I went online and checked the nutritional info on something. Lawrence checked me about it but I blew him off. And I didn't think to tell Amy or Natasha about it 'cause to me it was just the natural thing to do; I didn't even give it a second thought. Amy said that in my former way of thinking, yes, it was the natural thing to do, to try to find some "safe" foods. I feel so bad and so guilty about failing in this, but they told me not to be discouraged about a little slip and to read, "You've Got the Victory, Don't Give It Up," so I'm going to do that.

78. This is a very strong habit to look and check and analyze everything. But after getting this correction, I feel more on the ball to try harder tomorrow to change and to do better. I'm so used to being able to rule my own diet, but like you said, now I will have others telling me what to eat.

79. I find that I need to stop asking about get-out. They gave me a prophecy that said that the Lord wanted me to wait for a while before I start working out again, but He said that stretches may be fine. I wish I could learn to not ask and just have faith that when the time is right, I'll be told that I can do something. I'm sure it'll probably be when I've learned to just give it up in faith. I feel that I have laid it on the altar most of the time, and I'm striving to leave it there more and more. I wish I had a more glowing report for myself from today, but I don't. I definitely feel motivated to do better tomorrow.

80. These P&Ps take a long time for me to get, but I'm so happy when I do because they're shedding so much light on all my confusion. Thank you for giving me these questions to bring before the Lord. They are really helping me to uncover things in my life and attitudes that I just wanted to pretend weren't there. I love you so much and am extremely thankful for the time that you give me and the notes that you send. I'm so blessed.

81. Thank you for having the faith to pass on those messages even though at the time you knew it was a hard saying for me. Now I'm very excited! I love you so much and am praying for you.

With lots and lots of love, Kristen

To Mama from Kristen, Day 8

Dearest Mama,

82. Hi! I love you so very much. I hope that things are going well for you‚ that you're feeling happy and healthy. I miss you so much and I don't even know you. I think about you a lot these days—even with food. They were telling me how you've changed your eating habits from being a mega-sweet-tooth when you first joined the Family to now eating as healthy as you can. That is an incredible sample to me that it is possible. I am striving to do that—to eat something because it's good for me; to do something that I don't want to‚ just because I'm told to by the Lord and others. It's so hard, but each day is getting better. I almost feel bad that some days are so easy. I don't know why, I almost feel like I should be having a harder time sometimes. But the Lord did say that He'd make my burden light if I'd yield. I'm really trying.

83. I'm asking the Lord to give me a slogan for the tough days. I got one yesterday and kept it in my pocket and referred to the little "you can do it" prophecy that He gave me for yesterday when they told me about lunch and dinner.

84. Yesterday was a leap! I had two foods that I haven't been willing to touch. Tofu was one of them. Then there was dinner: I had some of the Home's chicken! I mean‚ I can't toot my horn too loudly, 'cause Natasha was careful to pick it out from the center of the chicken where there was no oil and I went and rinsed a corner of it, which I'm sure wasn't the best thing to do, but wow, chicken is pretty yummy! I've had chicken before when I was trying to do better about a year ago, but I just would micro it plain, and this time it was all seasoned. Anyway, I'm sure you couldn't be the least interested in that‚ I'm sorry. I guess I just wanted to tell you something that was new.

85. Things are getting easier. Last time they gave me oatmeal for breakfast, I started shaking and got all teary-eyed, 'cause it just was so scary, but this morning I was able to eat it and even enjoy it.

86. I'm going to miss all this P&P time that I'm getting. I'm almost worried that things will get harder when I'm not spending my whole day going from P&Ps to talk time, to Word time, to more P&Ps. I have a lot of Word to listen to, so that will be good, and I want to keep finding P&P questions for myself to do. I have a file where I keep questions that come to mind from the new GNs‚ which are very helpful for me. But I feel that I should make a list of questions for myself to ask about personal feelings and attitudes and things that I can do to keep on the straight and narrow with eating and mental attitudes.

87. Dearest Mama, I am so happy to have peace. I know that the fight isn't over and there will be more battles, but the war is being won and I'm getting help. It's so hard to describe, but I'm not hearing so many voices saying bad things to me. I'm not counting calories all the time. I'm not beating myself up because I didn't work out harder or ate too much of something. I'm not having as many tummy aches as before. I feel so much stronger—like, I can make it up the stairs to my room without feeling like I could collapse! Ha! That's how I could gauge how I was doing, by how easily I could get around the house, and for the last week before your letter it was getting pretty tough to go anywhere. Even the intense craving for that adrenaline rush that I got from get–out is starting to fade. And the depression from not getting it is also fading fast.

88. I don't want that life again, where I felt the need to fill in my little tick-boxes for "no night snack," "no picking on food," and all the boxes for my workout regimens. I have a notebook where I disciplined myself by making a checklist of the things I should and shouldn't do or eat, and the less I ate and the more I worked out, the better my checklist looked to my anorexic mind. Or the habit to write down everything that I ate and count it all up. It's a craving that I feel a lot. I just have to rebuke it and occupy my mind with something else. It feels so good to be freed. I pray that each day the grip of my former habits will lessen.

89. I hate to say this, but this kind of breaking and intense healing time is what I needed. I'm way too stubborn in my own ways to be able to change for real on my own. Before, I could never bring myself to admit that eating right was a good thing‚ or that exercising less and being more moderate was a good thing. I still have to take all of this by faith, 'cause if I allow myself to think about it and analyze it‚ it still doesn't seem right. But I know that the Lord said that it is, so I just need to take it by faith that even though it doesn't seem like the "right" thing for me, the Lord said that it is and I just need to obey and follow. And He's blessing me by helping me to not get flustered about it, and He's giving me peace. Thoughts that I just couldn't keep away from me before are actually not coming on when I rebuke them. It must be everyone's prayers. I'm so, so thankful!

90. I want to tell you again that I'm sorry for how I've made this type of in-depth and intense shepherding and help necessary. But also, I want to express to you my deepest and most sincere gratitude for your help and for others' help. I can't do this alone, I really, really can't. I still need so much help and I still have so many bad habits to get over. I'm trying to confess them all as I do them. I might go overboard and drive Natasha and Amy crazy with all my confessions, but that's what the Lord said to do‚ as you'll read soon in the prophecies I got today.

91. Before I go‚ I want to say that I love you so much and to thank you for showing faith in me and trusting me even through all these confessions that I'm having to make and how much the Lord is stirring the pot and showing up parts of my life and heart that are really horrible. I love you and am so thankful for how you're showing faith in me and helping me. I love you so much.

92. Also, I'm so thankful for Amy and Natasha. They're always saying that it's not a sacrifice and they're happy to help me and that it's fun for them. Well‚ I'm sure that it's hard. I know that the Enemy must be fighting them too since they're trying to help me and save me, but I want you to know that I'm so thankful for them and the help that they're giving me. I know I don't always make it easy, but they're doing such a tremendous job. Well, I'd better let you go.

Love, Kristen

93. (Question: ) How is my pride manifested?

94. (Jesus speaking:) Your pride is manifested by your thinking that you know best. You don't know best. You don't know anything. Look at what happens when your body choices, exercise choices, and food choices are left up to you! You're sick, unhealthy, sad, rebellious, and totally on the wrong channel. Yes, you have plenty of head stuffing about such things, but you don't even apply that. There's so much even out there in the System about being moderate, about not working out too much, about not eating too little, but to eat well-balanced, healthy meals. Did you listen? No. So you can't say, think, or believe that you know better.

95. If anything, you should know well enough that what they're telling you is true, that what Amy is saying about nutrition is true. You know this stuff too. You know that it's true "for others." But this is a principle for all My children, all the people in the world. I made your bodies to need nourishment. And, yes, I did intend for people to have some form of daily exercise, but in your case, you've become excessive. You know this, and now it's time for you to lay this on the altar.

96. You've been longing and hoping for some reprieve from this, some time where you could not worry about having to push so hard. Here is your relief! Don't be like the preacher who stood up on the roof and let so many boats pass him by because he thought I was going to save him in some miraculous way. I was saving him by sending him so many chances to get out of there! But, no, he wanted something instantaneous and miraculous. Well‚ My dear‚ there is no way to change your bad habits, your pride in thinking that you know what's best, without taking the difficult road back out of the muck and mire and onto the road of light, peace, contentment, and love. It will take time.

97. This can be a short road or a long road depending on your choices now. If you don't take the offer, you'll look back and be so sorry you didn't forsake your pride and get on the bandwagon that has been sent to save you. There are people on the wagon who want to help you out. They've braved the pits, the fire‚ and the attacks of the Enemy to come in and save you. So get on! Get on with your whole heart and don't look back. Cover your eyes. Ask for help to learn how to cover your ears so that you don't hear the temptations, the voices that are constantly speaking to you to try to get you to jump off.

98. You're afraid of what things will be like on the right path. You're afraid of the light, or how you'll look. Well, you'll look beautiful—not only to others, but even to yourself as well. I wouldn't give you a half-victory where you'll feel ugly and disgusting for the rest of your life! No way! I'll give you peace about your weight. I'll give you contentment and happiness, to where you'll be free of the worries and cares that cover you now. You'll be able to strip yourself of the hang–ups, the mind battles, and the roots of bitterness against Me that have held you down. These roots of bitterness and discontentment with how I made you are what are still holding you back. Cut them! Break them off!

99. It's painful to be riding away when you're still connected to this horrible place by these roots and bands that are pulling on you. But with time, each root, each strand that is still clinging to you and holding you back and making the exit/escape from this place unbearable, will be cut! They'll start to break of their own accord as you keep going in faith. When they all break off‚ you might feel a little wobbly or light–headed, but soon you'll become fully accustomed to being free, and that moment will be a time for rejoicing, for celebration of a great victory won for My Kingdom!—One of My precious ones who was lost‚ for whom a rescue mission was sent, was regained into the Kingdom of Light.

100. This is just like a searchers mission‚ where this team is coming in and helping you. The battles are all in your mind, not physical; so your rescue team has to come into your mind with you and pull you out of the confusion. Don't turn a deaf ear to them through pride. Listen and learn and then you shall live! Give up your hang-ups and realize that you don't know what's best for you, and they're doing what's best for you. Tell yourself that over and over again: "I don't know what's best and I've proven that time and time again. They know what's best, and I'm going to obey." I know that I'm giving you a lot of little things to say to yourself and to quote to yourself, but that's what you need. You need these little affirmations to help wear new grooves in your mind about what's right and wrong.

101. Your mental tracks are all messed up; they're all going in the wrong direction. A simple thought can take you down the wrong way because everything is so disorganized and confused, one big jumble of roads that all lead to negativity. To you, they seem to go nowhere and are just random thoughts. You can't see that even though they take many twists and turns‚ all of these thoughts lead one way—down into the pit of negativity and rebellion.

102. Resist‚ fight, and give yourself pep talks. Tell yourself that you want this, because you do. Tell yourself you need this, because you do. Tell yourself that you don't know what's best, because you really don't. Tell yourself that I will help you, because I will. Tell yourself that you can do all things with Me! Ask for Me to come. Just say, "Jesus, I'm struggling. I can't make it, but You can. You can do it, Jesus. Please help me." I want to help you. You just need to free Me to help you. I fight for those who cannot fight for themselves, so let Me fight for you. Let Me wield that weapon for you so that you'll be able to come out victorious.

103. Fight your pride by being humble enough to admit that you were and are wrong. You can't only say it once; you have to keep thinking and reminding yourself that your thought patterns were wrong and that now is the time to change them.

104. When you're offered a meal, don't think that you know what's the better choice. Just obey and go on by faith. For a normal person it would be fine to present some alternative idea, but for you‚ it's part of your pride. So give this up and accept by faith, for now. You will have no choice for a time, so don't fight it. Accept that you don't know what's best. Tell yourself this. Swallow your pride and do what you're told.

105. Humility obeys. Humility doesn't ask why. Humility doesn't resent or feel that it knows better. Pride is the root of such things, and that's what is manifested in your life at this time. So fight it by being yielded to all that I ask you to do. A–L-L! All! "I can do ALL things through Christ which strengtheneth me!" That verse is for you. Don't just quote it and think it's such a nice promise to cling to; that's hypocritical. I want you to apply it! Apply it now! Apply it today, and you'll feel the peace that comes with humility and surrender!

106. I love you and I know that this time is a struggle; it's painful and difficult, but the light will come. You don't know when it will come, but I can see and it won't be long. So fight with all your might! The victory is just around the bend! I'll give you lots of little victories to keep you spurred onwards and to keep you encouraged. Look at each little victory as a steppingstone, as something to rejoice over. Keep rewarding yourself by praising Me for the victories, by recognizing them and thanking Me for them.

107. The Enemy will try to tell you that the steps that you take aren't enough‚ that they're not good enough, that you're not doing what you should, that it really wasn't a victory‚ that you'll never make it and that there's no use in trying because the ultimate goal is so unattainable. That's not true. You will get to the ultimate goal of freedom through lots of little victories all along the way. Rejoice for the victories and testify of them—not only to yourself, but also to others.

108. You could even give the Home a progress report and then ask for added prayer on a weekly basis. "Oh, ouch," you say. Well‚ yes‚ it's humbling, but this is what will help you with that pride of yours! And it will help you to keep up the victory, to not step back into something that you've already gained a victory over, because each one in the Home will be aware of what you've gotten a victory in, and then they'll be able to keep you and safeguard you from slipping back into an old habit.

109. So do this and you will live and prosper and go from strength to strength. Each victory will be more glorious and each battle will be easier, because that Ol' Boy is really losing his grip on you! Rejoice and be exceeding glad, for great is your reward both here and in the Hereafter! I love you! (End of message from Jesus.)

(Kristen's note to Mama continues:)

110. I don't have much to comment on this one. It's very convicting about how I just need to obey when a plate is put before me. I need to keep trying to do better with this. I need to put it into effect now. I'm trying, but I do fail a lot—I think of something that I'd want better and that would have fewer calories in it. I'm so in the habit of thinking "less‚ less‚ less," but I'm trying to put forth the effort of not thinking that way.

111. Giving a progress report and asking for prayer from the Home on a weekly basis is a hard one to swallow. But I know that it's good, at least for this first bit.

112. All of it is good, and I mainly need to make sure that I reread this prophecy a lot, as it has a whole bunch of tips and pointers that I need to keep in mind. That's the important part—that I keep up the fight and keep these words from the Lord first and foremost in my mind and heart. I pray that I will. I will compile all of these P&Ps that I'm doing that you asked me to, and I'll review them all at least once a week so that I can keep my own little "charter" of things to strive for and things to watch for in my spirit and behavior so that I keep changing and don't forget all of the good principles that the Lord is telling me here.

113. (Question:) In what ways do I lie, cover up, and deceive those I live with?

114. (Jesus speaking:) You lie and deceive by telling the truth‚ but leaving out a word here or a small detail there‚ and this is deceitful. You've convinced yourself that this is fine, because you're telling the truth. But this is a lie of the Enemy to keep you from receiving the full benefit of help that you can get by telling all and being perfectly honest. You have to strive for total honesty. Even if now you swing the pendulum in the opposite direction for a while and tell everything, that's better than not telling enough.

115. One more area that you lie and cover up in is your exercise. In the past, you lied by making your workouts seem shorter, or by packing so much into them that you could finish running or doing your workout video in a shorter amount of time by skipping the warm-ups and cool-downs, and fast-forwarding all the heart-rate times and rests. So in your mind you were convinced that it was fine. The easy answer is that you were excessive.

116. The point here isn't that exercise is wrong. Exercise is very good, and I want all of My children to do it, and you'll be able to do it again soon. But your problem is that you were doing it too much, and too much of any good thing isn't right. When something is so important to someone that they're willing to do anything to get it, and they throw a hissy fit if they can't get it‚ then the alarm bells start ringing, and then it becomes clear that it's gone too far. I want you to have moderation in all things.

117. Another way [you've been deceitful] is by trying to make your food look like there's more than there really is—like spreading it out on a plate, or piling extra big chunks of salad to make the bulk of your food seem so much more. Now that Natasha and Amy are helping to tell you exactly how much to take, you should follow and not try to make it look like more through your plate choices.

118. I know that sometimes it isn't easy to eat what is set before you‚ but you can't think about it in the negative. Remember, have the "I can" spirit. And don't revert to your old ways of doing things, or what you think of as your "discipline." You're starting to again be as strict as you can on yourself with the food that they give and not allowing yourself more if you would like it. This is not good. Don't turn this into another form of discipline. Discipline yourself to change‚ to do your best, but don't start trying to plan ahead and limit yourself to just what they say. Go the distance and change!

119. Throwing your food away is something that you're really fighting against‚ and they're keeping an eye on you. You feel appalled at the thought of doing this, but it's still a temptation for you. So I'm listing throwing your food out here because it's something you need to keep fighting.

120. Calculating calories is still a bad habit. Just keep resisting it.

121. Saying that you ate a food without giving the specific amount is a no-no. You must always answer with how much you ate. Because you can say, "Oh, I had such-and-such for lunch." Yes, one little pick of it can keep you from telling a full-blown lie and thereby ease your conscience. But it's a lie just the same, because you're deceiving them into thinking that you had whatever the portion normally is, when actually you didn't.

122. Keeping a stiff upper lip about your wants and desires in foods isn't right also. You're allowed to like certain things, and you should speak up if there's something you want or like. Having fear about giving in to your cravings (if they are good and are one of the options, but not necessarily the lowest-calorie thing you could choose) is still going with the wrong, anorexic mindset.

123. Giving food away to others that you're supposed to be saving for yourself ensures that you won't eat it, and you're supposed to be eating foods that are good for you. So giving things away isn't the way to go for now.

124. You have wanted so much to sound like a normal person that you've tried to deceive others into thinking that you went out and ate with others. Saying you just love to eat cheesecake, or saying, "We went out and had hamburgers" is leading someone to believe that you had it too, which is wrong.

125. Avoiding point-blank questions by weaving around them with a half–answer is also something that you do. Be sure that you're honest, and give as many details as you possibly can.

126. Well, My love‚ for now this is a pretty good list of what your trips and tricks are. This is a good question to keep bringing before Me, because the temptation for you to find more things to do is something that will still arise. No matter how badly you try not to, you will learn ways to avoid Amy and Natasha. Pray against it, but then bring this question before Me each week so that you can nip any temptations in the bud. Hopefully, you won't have given in to them, but they're still temptations that you should get out in the open. It may even be something that you thought of, but resisted; that would be a good thing to bring before others so that they're aware of what is tempting you, and then they can help to avoid such situations or give you more safeguards.

127. I know that having to get so much out in the open makes you feel bad and makes you think that I don't trust you that you want this victory. I know that you do want the victory desperately. And others trust you and know that you do want it. But sometimes you can't help yourself. You've been thinking this way and doing these things for so long, that gaining a victory in this area means a clean sweep. That will take constant honesty, constantly seeking Me and searching your heart, stirring the pot and pulling up all the dross to keep it clean and to clear it out. Right now your waters are still pretty infested with shit, like I said before. Even though the waters are clearing, they aren't clear yet—not to you or to others. So it will take a constant check, a constant stirring to see if there's anything going on down there that needs to be brought to their attention. So keep seeking Me and keep asking.

128. This will not be something that I will require of you for the rest of your life‚ neither will this time of purging and change be something that will last for the rest of your life. The more honest you can be‚ the more stirring of your heart you can do, the shorter the time will be! So keep that as your motivation in searching your heart so much, because the outcome will be wonderful! You'll be so happy you stood the tests, yielded to all I asked of you, and got the help and oversight that you desperately needed! (End of message from Jesus.)

(Kristen's note to Mama continues:)

129. Boy! That one sure had a lot in it! I can't think of any other ways that I've deceived anyone at this time. So that's all I have for now. I'm so happy that the Lord said that this is a question that I should bring before Him each week about what things I'm doing to try to cover up. I do want to change and I feel so very bad when I do things that are wrong. I worry that it won't seem like I'm trying.

130. I have so many things like this that I do out of habit. But I know that I have a choice, even when it happens, and I need to try harder to choose the right thing. I want to do the right thing‚ I really do. I want all of these things to be out in the open. I want to be able to be trusted that I won't throw my food away and that I won't go trying out new tricks. I pray that I can get that trust by doing my best to always be open and honest.

131. The thing is‚ before, in my heart I felt like I was being "good" if I didn't eat or if I threw my food away. I felt disciplined. But now, in my heart of hearts, I believe that it's wrong. So that change in my mind really does make a difference in what I do. It helps a lot. And I know that it's everyone's prayers that are helping my mind to change so drastically.

132. I'm so sorry for all of this! Hearing these things about me is probably so maddening. I don't want to make you or anyone else mad at me. I pray that in getting these things out in the open, it will not make you mistrust me even more. I know I don't deserve any trust for the things that I've done‚ but by the Lord's grace, I will do my best to right my wrongs and change completely! I love you so much. Thank you for your love and patience.

133. (Question:) What do I need to be willing to change and accept and yield to?

134. (Dad speaking: ) This signing of a contract will be very good for you, because it's a slip of paper that I want you to keep with you always, something that I want you to refer to every day, if need be. It will keep you in the proper mindset that you can't allow one thought to come into your mind that would contravene this contract. It will be the binding agreement that will keep you on the straight and narrow. It would be sad if others have to keep reminding you of your contract and keep waving it before your face; this is something that you should be able to do on your own.

135. So you must be willing to accept these changes—the changes of mind, heart, and soul; the change of saying yes; the change of doing what you're told; the change of your mindset about what thin is. You can't speak about "thin is good." You can't talk about it. Now you must speak in faith that the way the Lord made you is the right thing. You can't sow your wrong mindset in the hearts of others by complaining about how He made you—you're going to have to speak faith and live faith.

136. You'll need to agree to have your get-outs monitored, not only now, but for a long time to come. If you're sick one day‚ you can't work out. And you also can't try to hide your sick feelings just so that others won't know that you're not feeling well.

137. You also must adhere to all the health rules. Try to eat whole-wheat things if your stomach can handle them. You might not be able to eat all whole foods because of the bran in it that causes you to feel ill, but you can strive to cut out the sugary stuff. [Note from Mama: Kristen has a weak digestive system, due partly to the way she abused her body through extreme dieting and anorexia. At first it was very difficult for her to eat many foods, but she was determined not to give up‚ and with lots of prayer and counsel from the Lord and her shepherds, she has really improved and can now eat almost anything without pain or problems. There are still certain foods she has to watch out for—such as wheat products—but in general, the Lord really blessed her faith and perseverance and has healed her, thank the Lord!]

138. Also, you must keep your life always as an open book. You must have this on your contract: that you promise, by the grace of God, to always be honest, to say what you feel, to not leave any part of your heart covered. Uncover all sins—past, present, and any future ones that you make. This is the most important part of your contract, because if you're honest above all else, then you'll be able to get the help that you need, both physically and spiritually. You need this safeguard; you can't have any more secrets. We can't have someone in our units that we can't trust because they're not honest about what's going on in their heart and mind. It makes the load that the shepherds have to carry much more difficult.

139. You look at others and you compare the shepherding they get with the amount you're getting. Well, for starters, they do get shepherding and they do need it‚ and also‚ you need this intense type of meddling right now for reasons that have already been made clear to you. So don't compare.

140. That should be something in your contract too—that you promise to fight against comparing. Comparing is what drives you, because it's all a competition to you. But it's not. This is a Home with loving people. No one is trying to gain more favor than another, to be prettier or thinner than another. If you persist with these types of attitudes, even if you don't realize they're there, then you will sow seeds of dissension and it will become a problem. So you must fight this. You must be honest about who you feel the need to compete with, and seek help and prayer.

141. The most important thing here is that whatever is put on this contract for you, that you keep a print-out of it with you; keep it in your new quote book and refer to it often. It will keep the goal constantly in your mind. It will help you to always have the focus that you need. It will help you to keep your eyes on the prize of being a normal, well-adjusted young woman. This is the goal.

142. We want you to be happy—that's why you're being helped! It's to lead you away from the road of sadness, dissatisfaction and discontentment, to the road of happiness, health, satisfaction‚ and renewed love for others and life! That's all! The Enemy was sucking out not only your life, but also your joy of living—but now you're getting it back. It will take work, it will take meddling, and it will take honesty on your part, and good, in–depth shepherding.

143. But the question you need to ask yourself is‚ "Do I want to be freed? Do I want to live life happily, or fade off into complete sadness and death?" Well, what do you want? I know you want the freedom. I know you want to please the Lord. I know you want to please Mama and Peter. I know you want what's best‚ and you've said "yes," so just keep saying yes. For now, read that contract each day and say, "Yes! Lord, help me to make it! Lord, help me to change! Lord, take me and remake me!" And He will! He wants to bless you with freedom! It's His will. So do everything you can! Yield to anything that is asked of you, and do it! (End of message from Dad.)

(Kristen's note to Mama continues:)

144. I guess the key here is for me to learn to be more honest in all things, and to not think it's a good thing if I can just not require so much shepherding. What Dad said is true about my comparing with others who I think seem to get much less shepherding‚ or who just seem to coast along and not always be going from one battle and breaking to another. But it's true‚ I can't see their hearts and I don't know what's going on.

145. But on the whole, I'm pretty much one of the only young people in my Home that has had united prayer recently, and that kinda makes me feel bad, like I'm the big baddie and others just have it so easy. It would make things so much nicer if we all did that and it wasn't just a few that are doing it a lot. I know I don't do it a lot, but I will need to ask for united prayer more often, so then it'll really be lots of me and none of anyone else. Maybe it's really wrong of me that I want someone else to join me in my humbling. I don't think that's what I want, though. It just would have been a much easier time if we had been more of the ask-for-prayer type of Home.

146. (Mama:) I was so sorry to hear this! I hope this isn't the case in your Home, Family. God bless Kristen for humbling herself and asking for prayer, and now others are being encouraged to follow suit. Lots of folks ask for prayer in our Home—it's a very regular occurrence, and as such is much less of a big deal. In fact, I'm preparing a GN for you with some of the prayer requests from those in our Home and other WS units because I think it will be encouraging and strengthening as well as convicting for all of you! If your Home isn't in the habit of doing it, why not try it yourself and see if you can't start a trend! It's so good and so helpful and so strengthening and uniting—and, of course, it releases tremendous power in the spirit world. Lord help us all to have the humility to ask for prayer when we need it!

147. (Kristen's note to Mama continues:) On to comparing: Comparing is a huge deal for me. That's why I just lived off of that first "Comparing" GN that you sent out, and I'm really praying that there are more of them. I desperately need it. It was very interesting what Dad said about me being honest about who I'm comparing with at the time‚ because that really will help me to get the help to get over it that I need. I compare with every girl‚ pretty much—from how they look, to what they eat, to how much they exercise … all of it! That is certainly something that I want to get over, BIG TIME!!!

148. Well, I guess that's it for today. I love you so much, Mama, and I pray that this note finds you well. I hope you have a wonderful new week!

With lots and lots of love, Kristen

A Letter to Kristen from Mama, Day 11

Dear Kristen,

149. Thanks, sweet girl, for your note and prophecies. I love you so very much too. I was so happy to receive those beautiful things the Lord said, along with your comments. He sure loves you a lot and has given you so much! You must be very special to Him; He sure is investing greatly in you.

150. Maybe you can pray for my eating, too. Unlike you‚ I'm eating too much‚ and I have to really ask the Lord to deliver me from this habit. I can't eat much at a time because my cysts make it so that my stomach capacity isn't very big—you know‚ like when a woman is pregnant, she doesn't have a lot of room in her tummy for food. Well‚ my cysts are quite big, and although they haven't bothered me now for a long time—thanks to Jesus for a great miracle—they still keep me from having much room for a lot of food at a time. But I like to eat so much that I overeat and stuff myself, and that's not so good for me. So maybe you can pray for me that I'll get the victory over this bad habit. I have certain things that the Lord has asked me to eat in order to build up my strength, which are very nutrition-packed. So I, too, have to stay away from the things that don't contribute to good health, even though they taste so very good!

151. I'm so proud of you, Honey, that you're going ahead and eating even when you don't want to, just because you're told to by the Lord and others. I'm so glad to hear that every day is getting better—it's such an answer to all of our prayers. Good for you for eating the tofu and the chicken! Isn't it wonderful that the Lord helped you to like the chicken? You said you thought I couldn't be the least interested in hearing about that, but I'm very interested in everything about you, and each small step forward is a great one and a real cause for rejoicing. What a miracle that you could enjoy the oatmeal. It really is a wonderful gift from the Lord that He's given you to help make it easier and easier.

152. You said you wanted to keep finding new P&Ps for yourself. Maybe I can send you one once in a while. How would that be? Would you mind if it was something for someone else, too? I think it's a good idea for you to make the list of questions for yourself that you mentioned. Why don't you try asking the Lord for the questions? That would probably make it easier, and you'd make sure the questions were right on target.

153. Perhaps, Honey, in a few days I could send you another "Comparing" GN that is almost done. I could give it to you to preview as a special reward for being such a good girl‚ even though we haven't sent it out yet.

154. Honey‚ it's just so wonderful that you have peace. It's thrilling to hear that you're not hearing the voices saying bad things to you so much. I think it's a matter of letting the light in and the darkness is fleeing. The more you let Jesus' wonderful truth in, the less room there is for the Enemy's lies. The more you listen to Jesus, the less you can listen to the Enemy.

155. It's tremendous to hear that you're not counting calories all the time, that you're not beating yourself up that you didn't work out harder or that you ate too much of something. And isn't it a wonderful reward from Jesus that you're not having so many tummy aches?—And it's just been a few days!! Wow!—And the strength the Lord is giving you in place of the extreme weakness you had before! And look how quickly He's doing it! All you had to do was say yes and start fighting, and look how He's helping you!

156. Everyone is praying for you at every opportunity, and I hope you don't mind if I send the folks here your testimony of how Jesus is helping you. It will encourage folks so much about the miracles the Lord is doing, and it will inspire them to keep praying.

157. Yes‚ Honey, keep rebuking the bad thoughts and taking in the good ones and meditating on them. Keep following‚ obeying, and yielding.

158. Thanks for being willing to be an open book in order to get the help you need. Because you've been willing to do that, other folks are being convicted to ask for help as well for a variety of things. It's always a chain reaction when someone is totally honest and desperate for the Lord to help them; other people admire you and follow suit. So, sweet girl, the Lord is using you to help others, even while they're helping you by praying for you.

159. [One of our other young people here] is being asked by the Lord to make some big changes in his life, and I think your sample is a big help to him. He says you're one of his best friends and he really admires you. He's been praying a lot for you. I suggested that maybe he could share his prophecies with you and you could pray for him as well. He might be a little shy about my telling you this, but I told him he needs to join the "open-book club" too. You've done it, so he can do it. Please pray for him. He really wants to be the bellwether and the man the Lord wants him to be, but it's very difficult to change old habits, as you know. But the Lord can do it, and He's promised that if we want it bad enough there will be no stopping us. The Lord is more than willing to do His part if we'll do ours.

160. Okay‚ dear Kristen‚ I really love you and I'm so happy for you. Just keep going, keep getting up when you fall and brushing yourself off and going on again, and you'll make it, I know!

Much love always,

Mama

161. P.S. Here's something the Lord said to one of our young people here just yesterday:

162. (Jesus speaking: ) I don't like people to look at how nothing and incapable they are so much that they become negative about themselves and lose sight of the great and mighty works and miracles I want to use them to accomplish. Your self-esteem is important to Me, and frankly‚ yours could use a little pumping up. I know that sounds odd for Me to say, but to you I can say it, because I can trust you and know that you love Me enough to know that anything good and great you do or accomplish you will thank Me for and give Me the glory.

163. The fact is that there are a lot of very great and wonderful things still to come that I would love to do in you and for you and through you in your life, if you will just be humble enough to believe and say yes, even if you know from the start that I'm your only hope of succeeding. But I want you to know how happy it makes Me when one of My children is faced with a bit more than they can handle, and rather than giving up, they look to My approval and help and then say yes—just because they trust Me to see them through the "impossible" parts. (End of message from Jesus.)

To Mama from Kristen, Day 11

Dearest Mama,

164. I love you so much and pray that you're having a good day. The past few days have been going very well. There are ups and downs, of course, and I still need to work on not trying to give suggestions on my meal plans, or asking for a different thing, like wanting to just eat veggies like I would before. Lord help me‚ I feel so bad after I do it‚ but I just need to learn to not do it at all. That's my biggest goal at the moment, besides, of course, fighting the Enemy's attacks on my mind, doing my best to go forward with praising the Lord, and keeping my mind stayed on Him instead of worrying about food and exercise.

165. Sometimes now when they're saying what I'll be eating for a meal or snack, my mind is just blank, and I'm just listening to what they're saying and there's no fear or worry going through my mind. I'm just listening and trying to tune in to what Amy and Natasha are saying instead of worrying and freaking out! It's so wonderful!

166. One thing that Amy said to me this morning that really helped me drink this health food shake was that I need to think, "Maybe I don't want this, but my body needs it." The "it's good for me" pep talk hasn't worked in a long time, 'cause right now I still couldn't care less if something is good for me or not! But that will change, and I'm working on it. This new way of looking at food in that I need it is something that helped me over breakfast, and it was the food that I've been dreading the most—that shake—and I was able to enjoy it and go on without fear and tears! Hallelujah! It's so wonderful!

167. Well, I will keep this note short this time, but know that it's chock-full of lots and lots of love! I love you so much and pray that you had a super nice weekend and that this coming week will be your best yet! I love you tons!

Love‚ Kristen

168. (Question: ) What does my relationship with my shepherds need to be like?

169. (Dad speaking:) Close, very, very close. You will need almost weekly P&P and open‚ honest reports. You need close shepherding and you need to be very honest with your shepherds. You can't resent the fact that you're receiving this type of shepherding, but you should be grateful for it and know that you can't do without it. It's your lifeline in the physical and what will keep you on the straight and narrow. You can't allow yourself to start living your own little life without the help and oversight of others.

170. This is a long-term battle that you're fighting, and even though the victory can be won soon, the lasting victory will be to keep staying close to your shepherds and to the Lord in all that you do. You will need this. You need to have the faith to come and ask for talk time if you need it. You need to turn in as many of your personal P&Ps as you can. Even if the shepherds won't have time to read them all, you could give a little synopsis at the top and explain what your goals are and what you're working on. They don't all have to be on eating, food, and body-related issues; they can be on anything that the Lord brings to your attention, anything that He puts on your heart and He's trying to teach you. So do this and you will have the proper balance.

171. You need this constant shepherding because your mind is so attuned to the spiritual realm. He showed you this before, about how you need to be more prayerful with your movie choices‚ etc. Because the Lord's gifted you with being able to see more in the spirit‚ it also makes you more susceptible to the wrong spiritual signals if you're not truly keeping your mind stayed on Him. You need to keep blinders on‚ like with a horse, so that you won't be swayed by every signal the Enemy sends your way. That's why you'll need the help of your shepherds to keep you going in the right direction.

172. I know this is hard for you and you wish that you could just be good enough to shepherd yourself. Well, no one is good enough for that, and just because you need extra help at this time doesn't mean that you're a horrible person who deserves to die; it just means that you need help and you're going to get it, and thereby be a much more fruitful and useful vessel in the Lord's eyes.

173. So be willing to receive the help that you need, and then you'll be blessed and go from strength to strength. And you'll soon find that it's not a bad thing to need shepherding and that you can actually have some very wonderful and fulfilling friendships with your shepherds. They are wonderful, wonderful people who have had their own trying times and they understand and have the anointing from the Lord to be able to help you. This is the job that He's given them to do and they do it with all their heart. So don't worry or fear that they will resent you because you ask for talk time and help. That's what they're there for, and if you do your best to make their job as easy as you can by being honest and striving to be as yielded as you possibly can, and giving your all to the Lord and wanting nothing more than to please Him, then all will be well.

174. You do your part and the Lord will do His part by supplying the shepherding that you need. Don't you worry about that. You should just worry about being honest and keeping your heart and mind stirred up and desperate always, and then He will give you all that you need from a shepherding perspective. So don't worry, be honest, and most of all, communicate!!! (End of message from Dad.)

(Kristen's note to Mama continues:)

175. Communicating has never really been my strong point. Lord help me. I just feel like it's such a drain on the shepherds to be having to hear problem after problem‚ or to have to be pouring out all the time‚ that it must get so annoying, and since I sometimes think I can make it without the shepherding, then I just try to not bother them. Now that I have this report/P&P to do each week for them, or at least some P&Ps and personal notes on a weekly basis, that really will help me to stay closer to my shepherds.

176. I'm getting plenty of shepherding at the moment, and it feels so good to have everything aboveboard and out in the open. I really am liking it! I'm also a very independent person, so it's hard for me sometimes to be as honest as I should be, but I pray that I can continue to do better in that area. I really need to get over this battle of not wanting to bother any of the shepherds. Dad says here that I shouldn't worry about that, so I will really try to work on that.

177. I know that as time goes on and I get victories over anorexia, I'm still going to have to keep fighting it for a long time to come, just to keep it out of my mind and to fight the temptation to slip back, especially when I start gaining weight. But hopefully by then I will have won some victories in these areas and not be so in the habit of dieting. I don't want to slip back, so I will need to be super honest about how things are going and how I'm being attacked.

178. Okay, on to the next P&P question. ILY sooooo much!

179. (Question—part one:) Please show me how my life is in danger, and how if I continue with my present eating and exercise habits, it will cost me my life.

180. (Jesus speaking:) It can cost you your life because each day you're robbing more and more from your body. You're taking that last little bit of emergency strength that I give to all humans‚ and you're using it up. For what? Just so you can look thinner? Just so you can have the "perfect" body? Well, for you, that is not the perfect body. Your perfect body is much‚ much different. I want to bless you for your obedience now, but you have to stay on the ball because you're not out of danger yet. You're not in the clear and it would be very easy for you to slip right back into your old mindset.

181. Your life is in danger because, as I said, you're robbing your body; each day, each minute, you're depleting more and more and you're running almost on empty. So you're going to have to fight tooth and nail to regain some life. "But I'm not that thin," you say. Well, maybe you're not "that" thin, but for your frame you are thin, so just take it by faith. Even if you don't believe that you're in danger, you are.

182. I am the great Doctor of the Universe and I know your body very, very well, and I'm telling you that you must change. You can't ever, ever, ever go back to your former eating habits and your past exercise regimen. Never! Do you hear? You are never, ever allowed to go back there again or you will die! You won't be able to keep yourself from going too far. You'll need constant safeguards to be in place.

183. Your exercise was putting too much strain on your heart that was already having to work double-hard to be able to pump blood to your organs and to keep your body going. So then when you'd work out and make it have to pump even harder, it was putting so much strain on it. That's why you had chest pains and other pains, because your body was feeling the strain, even if your mind refused to believe it.

184. This is wrong, and you don't wish to be this way, do you? I know that you don't. So be thankful that now you're freed from that bondage and your life will be saved in the process! That's a victory! You're free! And you're never going to fall into the clutches of those things again, because you know the Enemy's devices and you know that you don't want to be there. And most of all, I'm going to help you to never go back there. If you continually pray and ask Me to help you, I will!

185. Also, even if you felt that you were eating enough (which you weren't), you weren't eating healthy. You could hardly remember the last time you had protein. This, of course, is very, very wrong. Your body needs minerals, proteins, fats and variety to help it work and function properly. Just like a car, you can't fill the radiator with oil; neither can you fill the gas tank with water. They all have to be used in their proper way to make a car function properly; not one thing will do, all are needed. You need this type of variety in your foods too.

186. Try to learn from Natasha and Amy so that you can have more knowledge about healthful eating, and that will also help you to understand why they ask you to eat this with that and combine certain foods in a certain way. I will bless your learning and help you to become much more health-minded. (End of message from Jesus.)

(Kristen's note to Mama continues:)

187. Dearest Mama, I could go on about the exercise stuff, but I believe that I've already explained that part to you before about how it was a serious addiction for me and I couldn't miss a day; if I did, I made it up by doubling up on other days, etc. I have wanted freedom from that for so long, but I didn't have the willingness to go through those first days of "withdrawal"—I guess that's what you could call'm. I think that it has been proven that exercise releases some type of hormone and gives you almost like a "high"—it's called "the runner's high"—and if you do hard workouts on a daily basis, you start becoming addicted to this antidepressant‚ to where when you're at my state, you can't do without it, or at least you feel that way. I'd feel so depressed when I didn't get my workout in, or if I didn't work out hard enough I'd feel guilty.

188. But I don't want this to be a half-victory over my workout addiction; I want it to be complete. Today for my get-out I did 20 minutes of stretches with Amy while she did her stretches for her back, and then I took a ten-minute walk in our driveway. It was sooooo tempting to push a little harder or to start feeling bad that I can't do more than that, and I started feeling guilty about how it's not going to do anything for me and that I'm not doing enough at all‚ etc. So I just fought it with praise time and did my best to pray and keep my mind super occupied. It wasn't a super tough fight at all‚ but the temptations were there. I think it'll just take a while.

189. I also keep reminding myself that I don't want to get tangled up in that horrible mess of workouts again. I want to do them to be healthy and fit, but not be excessive‚ and I certainly don't want to have it so regimented that I can't miss a day or two if the need arises. There's almost nothing worse than running on the runner with a horrible stomachache and heart pains at the same time! Sometimes I'd almost cry while running 'cause it was so painful. But I was like a prisoner and I'd rationalize it in my mind. I'd figure out a way to convince myself that actually I should be working out harder, not taking a break.

190. So I can certainly see how my life was in danger when I'd get that way. Some days, though, my workouts were very easy, so I'd up the amount or push myself harder and make that my new daily goal, and then it would just get harder and harder. I have a hard time realizing that some days are good days and other days I just don't have the strength to work out hard, and that doesn't make me a bad person or a weak and undisciplined person; it just means that I'm human. I never allowed myself that luxury. Each day had to be the same or I was a wuss—a horrible, disgusting, lazy wuss!

191. So I want to do everything that I can to ensure that I don't slip right back into that pit of overexercise. I want total freedom. I know that if I started working out real hard again, I would slip right back, so I'm very, very thankful that Amy and Natasha are firm with me in this, and I'm doing my best to not ask about it but to just have faith and wait for when I'm told what I can do. I'm so happy for the firm rules that I'm given because I need them. And now I just really have to fight to be thankful for the amount of get-out that I'm allowed to do and not be wanting more or hoping for more. I know that eventually I will be able to do more than a 10-minute‚ low-impact walk and 20 minutes of stretches, but for now, this is what I'm happy with and I'll take each day as it comes. I'm so thankful for this help and freedom. The grip is getting less and less each day. Thank God!

192. (Continuing the questions from Mama—part two:) Please explain why I deserve to live, because in my own mind I often question whether I do deserve life.

193. (Jesus speaking: ) You deserve to live because I say so, because it's My will for you to live. I want you on this Earth and I put you here for a purpose. I have jobs yet for you to do, people for you to meet, and love to show to others. Just think about your family, think about Lawrence, and think about your friends. Would you want to make life difficult for them by dying? Maybe you think that would make you happy, but actually it wouldn't, because now is not your time to go.

194. You want to be freed from this pain, from the trials, and from all the trouble that you feel. Well, I'm giving you relief and I'm sending you the surcease that you asked for, but dying is not the solution. There is help to be had and there is freedom to feel on Earth, while still living! I want you to experience so much more in this life. Now is your time to shine. I know you don't feel like you're shining; you almost feel like a black light. Well‚ maybe that's how it looks to you‚ but to others and to Me, you're shining. So just keep shining with My love.

195. Even if you feel like you can't do anything else right, you can smile right, you can hug right, you can make others happy right! Those are plenty of reasons to live right there, but there are many more. How about the fact that I've blessed you with a gift that I want you to use for Me, and you have so much more work to do before I call you Home! How's that for incentive? Or how about the fact that I want you to be a mother and a wife and care for others in that way, and if you wish death upon yourself, think of all the experiences that you'll miss, much less the kids and husband? Think about Lawrence. I know sometimes you feel that he doesn't love you and just has pity. Well, that's a lie too. Think about what it would do to him if you died. He'd get over it, yes, but think of the pain that you would inflict.

196. You deserve to live because I want you there to be a vessel that I can use. Right now, I'm just making you more useful—not showing you that you have no use. So don't buckle under the pressure and don't let the strain of it all get to you. Just rise above on the wings of prayer and praise and let Me help you soar over the mountains and on to the new horizon of a new life, a new heart, and a new mind.

197. You deserve to live because I choose for you to live. I ordain you and I order you to respect this life that I've given you and all its many blessings. Don't throw it away through carelessness or foolishness, but treat your life and your body as a gift from Me that you should care for properly, so that when I return you will not be found wanting. I love you. (End of message from Jesus.)

(Kristen's note to Mama continues:)

198. Wow‚ this was so encouraging, and it certainly makes me want to do my best and to change in every way possible. I can sure tell that the Lord doesn't want me to take this blessing of life that He's given me lightly. So many times I'd prayed to die and I'd fantasized about it‚ even thought of "effective" ways to do it. I'm so sorry to tell you that. The "Suicide" GN really kept me. I don't think I ever would have done anything, but the conviction that that GN put on me made me never want to even think about it or toy with the idea. But sometimes it sure was a battle. And even though I would never want to really kill myself‚ I sure didn't think that I deserved to live either. Now I do—by faith!

199. Each day is getting better, and even though I don't feel that I deserve to have any money spent on food for me‚ or anyone to take any time for me, or to bother themselves, or to have to sacrifice for me, I'm trying to look to the Lord and keep my mind stayed on Him so that I don't get all in the dumps about it. I just feel so sorry for Amy and Natasha who have to work with me. I so badly want to change for the sake of all those who have spent so much time on me, prayed so many prayers, and helped me and talked with me. I'm just so thankful for everything. Thank you, dearest Mama.

200. I was going to work on another P&P tonight, but I got a wonderful note from an extremely wonderful person. Do you have any idea who that is? Um, it's you! I got the kindest note from you. I just am so happy! Thank you so much for taking your time to write me. I am so thankful, and this note means so much. It really made me want to do my very best today at dinner and for many‚ many days and weeks to come‚ because you're showing so much faith in me.

201. I just love you so much and am so thankful that you took your time to write me. I can't express in words how much your note means to me. I love you so very much. You sounded so sweet, so personal, even how you were talking to me about your food, and you even asked me to keep you in my prayers for your tummy and your eating habits. I will. I admire you so much and I'm striving to do what you did with your eating, to change my habits and to eat healthier. You said that some things that the Lord asks you to eat are not as yummy as the alternative food that you'd like, but you obey Him anyway. That is an incredible sample to me.

202. Thank you so much for offering to send me some P&P assignments; I would really love that. Also, that is just such an incredible idea about asking the Lord to give me a list. Thank you so much for that suggestion. Also, please feel free to send me any P&Ps that you'd like me to do, either for myself or for others; it will be a great honor.

203. You'd really send me a copy of the new "Comparing" GN? That would be the hugest treat! Wow! I can't believe that you'd send me such a treat! I would love that‚ if you could. Thank you for thinking of me and for thinking to send me such a great gift! I can't wait!

204. (Later: ) Joseph just sent me the Comparing GN, so I'm going to read it! What a cool treat! I read the table of contents and it looks so cool! Thank you, Mama, for working on this GN and for putting it out. It is so needed. I think that almost every girl has serious comparing trials in one way or another. I know that guys do too, but I think that it's certainly more of a female thing. Well, maybe not, but that's just what I've noticed in my life and in talking with others. This GN is such a huge blessing. I don't want to wish more work on you, but I certainly am praying that there are more GNs in this series, 'cause they're just so good! Thank you!

205. Yes, it really is a huge miracle that I'm not feeling so sick at all! I was expecting this to be a very painful process, but so far it hasn't been. It's a huge miracle and a blessing from the Lord. Honestly, He's making it so easy for me, and each day is getting better.

206. There are so many things that I'm not sure about. Like I told Gabe, Amy and Natasha in our last little talk‚ in a lot of ways I don't know what foods I like and what I don't like‚ because so many things have been categorized in my mind as far as "good" and "bad," or if there's a choice, I'll always choose the one that's lower in fat and calories and tell myself that I like it more. But do I really like it more? It's a question that I have to search my heart about, because I'm honestly not sure if it's a matter of personal taste or if I've conditioned my mind to choose something because it's less fattening. Anyway, those are some things I will put on my P&P list.

207. I'm still so very far from any kind of huge victory that I feel bad that you're so kind to me. I don't know what to say. It makes me feel so guilty, 'cause I know that I'm not doing perfectly and I make mistakes, and I'm not totally healed yet, so that makes me feel so bad about accepting any kind of love or help. I guess that's a very proud thing of me, and that must make people not want to be nice and encouraging because I have a hard time accepting it. I just feel so unworthy. It certainly makes me want to try harder to become as good as you are treating me. Thank you for your faith.

208. Yes, it's totally fine that you send my testimonies or reactions to others if you like. I'm so happy that in some way I can be helping and at least giving people some distraction from their own trials in praying for me! Ha! It's a total miracle of the Lord's love that I'm still here and He's giving me a second chance. I certainly didn't do anything to deserve it. But as a sign of my gratitude, I will stick it out, come hell or high water‚ and the Lord certainly has proven Himself and His healing power to me, so I have no reason to not be able to trust Him.

209. This morning I recommitted myself to the Lord for today. I prayed another "whatever it takes" prayer and I would like to do that daily‚ to tell Him to keep doing whatever it takes to change me and to help me to make the most progress I possibly can in one day.

210. Someone from your Home sent me some little vitamin prophecies yesterday that were so wonderful. I'm going to add them to my quote book. I take it with me when I go out and I bring it to my bedside when I go to bed. It's what I hold on to. I need it so much.

211. It seems like the key to everything is just letting go and saying yes to the Lord. I still have a hard time grasping this. Like how do you just let go? It's such a mind-boggling prospect for me. I guess that's what I'm having to do now, and once you do it, it makes everything flow.

212. Well, dearest Mama, I'd better go. I love you so much and am keeping you in my prayers. Thank you for your love, your time, and your help. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. I love you dearly. Have a happy day.

Love always, Kristen

213. (Mama:) The negative mindset of anorexia and other eating disorders that makes people feel like they are undeserving of life and all that gives life—food, happiness, care, love, etc.—is straight from the Enemy of our souls, straight from Hell! If you are hit with thoughts like that, recognize them for what they are, and don't entertain them! The Enemy sometimes tries to tell those who think like that that they're just being humble or self-effacing—but that's not the truth at all! It's a horrible lie that will eat away at you and eventually destroy your life and the Lord's plans for you, if you don't get rid of it! So don't give it a moment's thought‚ folks! Rebuke and resist it! You are the Lord's bride, you belong to Him, and your body is not yours to do with as you wish! You have been bought with a price! You do deserve to live because He loves you and you have a job to do for Him! Amen?

Excerpts of a Note from Mama to Kristen, Day 13

Dear sweet daughter,

214. I love you, Honey, and am praying for you. Thank you for continuing to send your prophecies. I know it's a lot of work‚ but the Lord is giving you such wonderful counsel—priceless comfort and instruction from the King of the Universe! Now that's a lot of love and concern! It's so exciting to read them and see the help that you have at your disposal! There's no way you're going to fail if you follow what He says.

215. Thank you for your honesty and being a star member of the "open-book club." I'm so proud of you, Honey, for your obedience and yieldedness in being so honest and such a fighter. Keep up the good work; we're all praying for you!

216. I wanted to pass on this beautiful message from our wonderful Husband about united prayer and about the ways we can make the changes that the Lord wants us to make. (For this encouraging and motivating message, see the Letter "United Prayer Power," ML #3404, GN 994-995!) You said you felt a little alone in getting united prayer‚ but you can be very encouraged that just within one week here at our place‚ four people are going to be getting united prayer. In fact, one of those four already did this morning, and it was very beautiful. Two more will have it tomorrow at devotions, and someone else will probably ask for united prayer on Monday, God willing. So please pray for them. You can be very sure that the Lord has used you, in part, to help our dear folks here to make these decisions to go further in their lives for Him. One person being courageous and willing to yield almost always starts a chain reaction, with others being encouraged and convicted to do the same.

217. Okay, Sweetheart, I've got to go‚ but please know we're continuing to pray for you and that everyone loves you very very much! God bless and keep you!

Love always‚ Mama

To Mama from Kristen‚ Day 14

Dearest Mama‚

218. I love you so much and am very, very thankful for your notes to me, your kindness and faith. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers always. You must be so happy to have Peter home! I can imagine that you miss him when he's gone, and I'm happy that you're able to see each other again. I know that even though I was happy that Lawrence was able to go to those meetings he went to, I still missed him so much. Those two weeks felt like forever! I pray that you're having a fun time with Peter being back.

219. Thank you so much for sending me that prophecy excerpt about united prayer. That was so inspiring and faith-building. I will ask for united prayer again on Monday, I think, just as an extra boost, as the Lord said I should from time to time‚ even on a weekly basis. I was just reading your note over again for like the fourth time, and I'm so touched and thankful that you addressed me as a daughter. Thank you, Mama, for that. That is so sweet that you can be so kind and not just a friend, but even so motherly and loving too. It means a great deal.

220. I'm so thankful to be partaking of all the changes that the Lord is making in our lives with these changes in WS and in growing closer to Him. I'm still so happy and thankful that the screws are being tightened in my life. Each day is a struggle and a fight‚ but the fight is getting much easier. It really is a miracle. I just want to sing and shout that I am free! The freedom that I feel right now is so incredible, and I have great hopes that it'll get better and better and my mind will be less and less under the Enemy's clutches. I can feel my thought patterns changing and I don't want to lose an ounce of these victories, so I'm really praying to stay desperate. I'm so thankful that I have safeguards in place and that I will need to ask the Lord constantly about what my new tricks or my new temptations are so that I can continue to get the full help that I need and keep conquering more territory.

221. I'm so happy and I feel so much freer. I'm not worried how workouts will fit in each day; I don't get up loathing my day because it's such a weariness, mentally and physically. It was all something that I took as my way of life and didn't even notice it, but now that I feel what freedom is like, or at least I'm getting a taste of it, I really want more and more. Apparently there's still more freedom to be had!

222. (Jesus speaking:) You are My darling bride, and I'm so proud of you for choosing to yield to Me. You choose to yield to Me every day, every hour, every minute. It's not just a one–time yielding; it's a constant yielding. It's not just a one-time death to self and your own ways and thoughts and opinions; it's a constant dying each day‚ each minute. This is the hardest kind of death to die—the death to self, the dying daily—but it yields the most beautiful results that you will be eternally grateful for.

223. When everything else is gone—all of yourself, all of your old ways, all of your old feelings and thoughts—you will still have Me and the happiness that I will give you. That is victory. This is what you have to look forward to: complete and total happiness‚ perfect victory. This is what you're striving for. This is what I have in store for you. This place of victory is a place of perfect peace and happiness and fulfillment. You're already well on your way to this beautiful place because of your yielding day by day‚ hour by hour, minute by minute. I know it isn't easy, My love‚ but the intensity of this battle will make your victory that much sweeter. I love you, My darling. (End of message from Jesus.)

224. (Jesus speaking: ) How you feel in two or three or six weeks is not an indicator of the victory or the success of the battle; the initial yielding was the indicator. You have won the victory in My eyes. Yes, there is still a road that you must take to get back on the right path, but when you did an about-face turn is when the victory was won. So celebrate now! Rejoice and be exceeding glad! Shout your praises to Me from the rooftop! Sing and praise Me, for the victory is already here by faith! Now is the time, now is the hour, today is the day! (End of message from Jesus.)

(Kristen's note to Mama continues:)

225. I love you so much, Mama! Please let me know if there's ever anything that I can do for you or anything that you'd like me to do, or to change in or whatever. I want to be not only an open book, but also a blank piece of paper. I love you so much. Take care!

Love always, Kristen

Comparing Is a Big Battle
—Take Time to Receive the Needed
Comfort from Our Husband

226. (Mama:) At this point in her fight for victory‚ Kristen heard about another young woman who would be joining their Home who also was having eating problems, although much less severe, and she was hit with terrible comparing battles‚ feeling like the new girl was going to get the victory much quicker, and many other fears about her coming and how they would be compared, etc. I'm very proud of Kristen, though, because she was honest about her battles, asked for prayer from those close to her, and went to the Lord for His personal Words for her, and came out stronger and more victorious than ever! And the good news is, she and the other girl have gotten close and become good friends and are both making wonderful progress, and the Enemy has no more power to use it against her. Praise the Lord!

227. Comparing and feeling compared or measured or judged is a very common battle for anorexics and some of those with other eating disorders. Please be sure to go to the Lord and receive His personal reassurance—for yourself, if you're going through it, or if you have a friend or loved one who battles with it, ask the Lord for something for them. There's nothing more comforting and stabilizing than our Husband's personal Words. The first step is taking the time and having the faith to receive them, and then you have to choose to believe them.

P&P Assignment Questions

228. (Question: ) Please give me a message about the power to rise above, there being no impossibilities, and how I can use the keys of the Kingdom to overcome this long-standing attack of the Enemy and gain lasting victory.

229. (Jesus speaking:) All the weapons and keys are at your disposal‚ and each one will help you along your way. Sometimes the key that you must use to open one door is praise. Sometimes you must use prophecy to help you through the next one, because the key to it is hidden. At other times I will show you that you must use the weapon of faith to fight this attack. Each one will help you. Each one you must use at different times. I will help you and show you what to use at each hurdle so that you can use it to propel you over it and on to greater victories.

230. You can rise above this seeming impossibility. I know that you feel that this is impossible, but it isn't with Me! With Me, all things are possible. You just need to keep yourself stirred up in mind, heart, body, and spirit. Remember that you must stay surrendered, yielded, and desperate for Me at all times. You could lose the victory if you don't stay desperate. You could lose your vision if you don't keep stirring yourself up. I will always put little stops along the way for you. I'll send you checks. I'll help others to be able to warn you, correct you, and keep you. I won't let you fall if you keep praying for the victory.

231. Just keep claiming My promises and don't let go. Hold on to My Word, because it's as a lifesaver that has been thrown out to you. And even though the undercurrents feel like they're pulling you under and you're gasping for air, know that I will keep you if you keep holding on to the Word. It's what will save you. The Word, the Word, the Word! It's the weapon that can fight all attacks.

232. The Word takes on many forms. It's both comforting and encouraging, helpful and uplifting‚ and I'm giving it to you. I'm giving you the key to unlock every door, to overcome every obstacle, to leap every hurdle‚ to rise above every impossibility, to heal every wound that you get, to comfort your heart, to give you courage to carry on. All of this is in My Word, and I want you to never let it go.

233. Never let a day pass without immersing yourself in My Words. Get up early and read, pray, and soak up My Word. You need that power behind you to meet the first challenge of the day—breakfast—and then you need it to keep the victory.

234. Quote the Word‚ memorize the Word‚ live the Word, read the Word, listen to the Word, speak about the Word, because the Word is the only thing that will keep you—both My written Word and My Word that I will speak to you daily. If you hold on to Me and to My Word, you will rise above, you will conquer, you will win against the foe!

235. So don't doubt; trust and build your faith block by block by reading My Word! It's there for you. It's free, it's at your disposal, and it's the key to victory and to rising above. So use it, read it, and wield it against the Enemy, and he won't be able to touch a hair of your head. You are protected; your shields are running at 100 percent. Keep them that way by refueling with the Word! You can do it! (End of message from Jesus.)

236. (Question:) Define "victory." In other words, Lord, what will victory look like? What can I expect to be like when I have the victory? Knowing that "the victory" is something that at this point in time will look undesirable‚ help me to see how I can want it enough to fight with everything within me to get it.

237. (Jesus speaking: ) The victory is not just being normal; the victory is your life, the victory is peace, the victory is renewed love for others and renewed love for Lawrence. The victory is feeling at peace and being able to work on other things. The victory is not weight gain; the victory is being happy with how I made you, so that no matter how you look, you'll always have that peace, that feeling that you are beautiful because I made you, and everything that I make is beautiful.

238. The victory is being able to enjoy life with your friends. The victory is being able to be a fit person without taking it too far. The victory is being able to go on a hike and enjoy the scenery, the conversation and the fun, without feeling so exhausted. The victory is not just health, but feeling well, not having such stomachaches. The victory is being able to walk without blacking out. The victory is sleep.

239. The victory is being able to feel at peace and to be able to accept My love and others' love for you. The victory is being able to testify of the miracle that I have wrought in your life, helping others by being a walking miracle. The victory is not living in fear. The victory is being able to receive My love and not feeling that there is one part of your heart that is not Mine. The victory is not hearing those horrible voices anymore!

240. The victory is being able to live, to love, to enjoy life, to feel whole, like a real human. The victory is not having such a chip on your shoulder; not having so many areas where people just can't go. The victory is being able to go anywhere and do anything with anyone without having such gripping fear that maybe they'll make you eat, or maybe they'll think you're fat, or that you shouldn't be eating this or that.

241. The victory is a whole new life! You will be born again; you're becoming a new creature. Doesn't it feel good? Don't you enjoy things so much more? And just think, you're just starting on the road to recovery; in two weeks' time you'll be so much more free‚ the Enemy's grasp on you will be even less! You're getting there. The victory is coming and you're going to make it because you have My strength and power here to hold on to you. I love you and I'm helping you to make it. The victory is just out of sight.

242. You shouldn't worry about it; you shouldn't even let yourself think that the victory will be undesirable. By the time you reach it you'll be sooooo happy; you'll feel liberated and you won't even want to go back. I know you fear that once you reach the goal that has been laid down for you, the pull to cut back‚ the pull to diet, the pull to stop eating will be more than you can bear, but that's not the case. The pull will be gone. The reason you felt the pull before is that you hadn't fully received the victory from Me. You were unwilling to surrender; your heart was still surrendered to the Enemy, so of course the victory was bitter, because it wasn't a victory.

243. The Enemy is filling your heart with lies and fears to make you not want the victory, or to make you think that you won't like it once you get it. He's trying to keep you from taking that victory banner with both hands because he doesn't want you to have it, and he's making you think that you don't want it either‚ and that once you get it, it'll only bring pain and horror. Once you reach that goal‚ the pain will be gone.

244. Right now you're still so under his clutches that you can't picture this victory; you can't fathom that you'd ever want it. But day by day, minute by minute‚ hour by hour your heart is changing. You're realizing more and more that the victory is a desirable thing, that it brings so much happiness with it. And by the time you reach it‚ it will be glorious.

245. Just like I don't expect you to have faith to change completely tomorrow, I also don't expect you to feel like you fully want that victory right now, but each day you will want it more and more. Each day it won't seem as daunting. Each day your joy of salvation will become clearer and clearer. Right now it's clouded over with fear, but when you're able to break through each bramble, cut each cord, and the light starts to shine over your darkened way, you'll see the beauty that surrounds you.

246. It's not a dark, dank forest but a beautiful, magical forest filled with beautiful birds, fairies, and talking trees! I know that that's a funny analogy to use, but it's just to show you the difference. It's just to show you that there is hope—that the victory is something that you'll be so happy for! Each day you'll want it more and more. You want it now and you'll want it more.

247. (Kristen:) I was going to comment on this at the end, but I wanted to add it here‚ just so that this last paragraph can be clear in your mind. This is just the comfort that I needed! This makes it all clear to me. I have been feeling like the worst day of my life will be the one when you all say‚ "You've got the victory!" because I feel like that'll be the day when I'm fat. (Of course, I'm exaggerating there, but you understand what I mean, right?) But now I can see so clearly that it's a victory when those things don't matter anymore, and that right there is what true freedom will be! That is desirable! That is what I want, and I want to fight for it tooth and nail! I feel like there's hope, like I don't need to be so scared of the victory because it really, truly is a good thing! I feel like some of the darkness is lifting!

248. (Message from Jesus continues:) The victory will be a happy moment for you. It's not like I'd punish you for all your fighting by making the final outcome something that is so hard for you that you wish you'd never tried. I'm a loving and merciful God, and I know what your heart desires and I will give that to you. You are pleasing Me with all that you're doing for Me, with all that you're surrendering. I know that you want the victory and I will give it to you, and you'll be so happy when that day comes. The trials will be gone, the battles will no longer be there, and you'll be free!

249. That's when you'll have the victory, and it will be a happy, happy moment—one in which you will cry tears of joy, not tears of bitterness, sorrow, or sadness. The victory is when the Evil One's clutches will be torn from you and the wounds to your body are healed. That is victory, and that, My love, is desirable. I will bless you and make you happy. There will not be one speck of pain, anger, fear, or frustration left. It will all be joy and gladness—not pain or sadness! Rejoice and look forward to that day. It's not so far away! I love you. (End of message from Jesus.)

250. (Kristen: ) Well, dearest Mama‚ I could go on for pages and pages about how much I love you and am praying for you, how thankful I am for your help and your love, which is most undeserved. I am so thankful for you. With tons of love, prayers, hugs, kisses and many, many thanks, Kristen.

Excerpts of Notes and Prophecies
To Mama from Kristen

(Day 16:)

251. (Jesus speaking: ) I will bless you and help you to change, to take each new food and obey and eat it. It is a test to pass. See it as that. It comes to pass, My love, and each new food that you try is another fear conquered, and the next time you're asked to eat that food, it's not so hard because the grasp of fear that the Enemy had over you with that food has been broken.

252. It's like your whole body is covered in bands or latches, and each time you try a new food, whether it's hard or easy for you, you're breaking open that snap‚ you're breaking the band, and the Enemy can't close it again if you stay militant and don't let him into your heart with fear or anger afterwards.

253. It's going to take a large measure of faith each time you try something new. But don't look at this one little food and be so scared of it that you don't realize what eating it means. It doesn't mean that you'll get fat. It doesn't even mean that you're going to have to eat something worse next time. It just means that one more band is broken and you're that much closer to freedom! Each new food is a big step in the right direction.

254. Remember, the goal is to free you—not to make you become a pig that eats and eats and eats! The goal is for you to not be extreme‚ for you to be able to carry on a happy life without guilt, worry, fear, remorse, and condemnation‚ and for you to fill those holes with love, peace, happiness, contentment and freedom! See, the outcome will be great! So take the sorrow, the night seasons, the weeping and the fear with courage, and know that there is a purpose, and there is a reward coming for your labors.

255. Continue striving to eat what is set before you and to not get too familiar with Natasha, but do what she says and be obedient. And then, really, really work; make a conscious effort at each mealtime to keep your eyes and your mind focused on your goals, not on the plates and portion sizes of others, and then you'll have the blessings of peace that I have for you. It's not normal for anyone to be comparing food with others; it doesn't matter. As I've said before, each girl in this Home is different, has a different body and different needs, so you can't compare your plate with others.

256. This is his new tactic to try on you, and one that will keep coming up again and again if you don't make a conscious effort to overcome it now. He's trying anything he can, and this is his new tactic for this week. I'm giving you forewarning so that you'll be armed and ready and catch that evil, horrible guy by surprise and really cut him to the heart, blow for blow, by wielding the weapon of prayer and praise and not even looking at others' plates! He will tempt you, and sometimes the temptation will be very, very great, but you'll need to fight all the harder to resist it.

257. When the going gets tough, the tough get going! So get going with My Word! Get going with praise! Get going with prayer‚ loving Me‚ keeping your eyes set on Me, and I will keep you from the temptations and the wiles of the Evil One! He only wants to hurt and enslave, but I want to heal and set free! So be set free with Me! Come with Me, look to Me, and let Me set you free! It's coming soon. Each step you take to obey is one step closer to the victory, and the road isn't as long as you think! I love you. (End of message from Jesus.)

258. (Kristen:) Last week the new food was very difficult for me. I almost felt like I couldn't make it. So I prayed about it, then printed out some quotes and had my nose in them all during dinner. The battle was quite intense for me, but thank the Lord, by the time it actually came to mealtime, it wasn't so bad and most of the worry and fear had already subsided. Here is part of what the Lord told me when I prayed about dinner:

259. (Jesus speaking: ) Leaping each hurdle is hard. Sometimes they seem low; other times the hurdles seem high and you feel like you really can't make it over one. But the point is, you won't need to. I will lift you up and over this hurdle. Just rest in My arms and think about Me; be calm and at peace and know that I will help you and pull you through each battle‚ each food that you fear so much. You can fight and conquer because I'm here with you; I'm going to hold you and help you. I will help you, My love; I will heal you and mend your broken and fearful heart with the balm of My words, peace and faith. Remember, I can give you peace in the midst of a physical storm, but I can also give you peace in the midst of a mental storm. I will help you. I will comfort you. Stay under My wings and you will be safe.

260. Don't give place to the Evil One by allowing these fears to conquer you. Fight them, and you'll pass through victorious. Do this one for Lawrence; just think about how you love him and you want him to be proud of you. Try your best, and I will do what you cannot do. This is what you want. This is yielding. This is giving your all.

261. You can make it! Find that one quote that will carry you through this dinner. Just put your hand to the plow and don't look back‚ My love. I will be your strength and your anchor that will keep you‚ even though the waves are roaring around you and crashing upon you and tears are welling up in your eyes! Your fears are lying vanities‚ so rebuke them and fight them. I will help you and keep you. (End of message from Jesus)

262. (Kristen:) The Lord really helped me over that mental fight, but then there was a physical one. It made me quite sick. Basically for the next 24 hours my food was just going right through me and I was pretty sick to my stomach, to where at times I was doubled over—not in sharp pain, just a dull nausea and super ill feeling that made standing up straight very hard. Anyway, we prayed and asked the Lord why this happened and what we can learn from it, and He said to start off with smaller portions of the new foods. I didn't think that my stomach was all that sensitive to new things, but I guess it really is. The thing that was a trial for me about the whole thing is that not only does the food cause a battle, but then it's like, the reminder of what I ate doesn't leave for over a day while I'm in pain or feeling sick for so many hours, and then I feel like I keep reeling from the physical shock that it is to my body, which is discouraging.

Get-Out Battles

(Day 17:)

263. (Kristen:) One more thing that has been hard for me is get-out. It's a craving that I really am having big time! Some days it's really hard; other days it's much easier. Here's something that I got when I asked the Lord about this, as it was a day that it was quite a battle for me that I couldn't run or do something more active. These types of trials are to be expected, since I really was and still am quite addicted to the adrenaline rush.

264. I wonder if the Lord won't let me do get-out until I just don't care about it anymore. But I'm starting to feel so out of shape, and that for me is also a trial. I really like being fit, being able to run, to do push–ups‚ crunches, and all that stuff, so it's hard for me to trust that it's all going to work out okay and that I won't turn into a whale! I know that sounds stupid, but to me, it's quite a real worry. Right now, things are okay, like today and for this whole week, actually, it's been okay, thank the Lord, but this has been a worry. This is what I got when I asked the Lord about it one day:

265. (Question: ) Thank You Jesus for all of Your help that You give me. I need You so much! Dear Lord, I want to come before You about something that's been troubling me: get-out, or more like the lack of it. I know that in following Your will I will be blessed and that You won't give me something that's too hard to bear, and I'm so thankful for how easy You've made this transition time for me as compared to how tough it could be. But still, the lack of get-out and the severe restrictions that I'm under as compared to the amount of food that I'm eating is putting me through a battle. I feel like I'm starting to gain weight. Is it all in my mind? Or am I really getting fat?

266. Lord, how can I make this not bother me so much? Please speak to me and show me what I can do to take this time of purging with faith and not fear.

267. (Jesus speaking: ) It's hard, I know, but you've just got to put your trust in Me and know that I will work it out. This will not last forever and I will give you back the amount of fitness that I want you to have. Yes, it's true, you are an active person and this is a time of tight restriction for you, and you wonder if it'll last forever, because it sure looks that way. But trust Me, My love, and know that I will not allow that to happen. I also want you to be happy‚ to be able to have fun exercising, as a way to stay fit and healthy, and when the time is right‚ you will be allowed to up your workouts‚ once your heart is healthy and your mind is clearer.

268. Yes, it does take time. Yes, it is a purging, an extreme sacrifice right now. But when the healing is here‚ when you're better, you'll look down this road and say with full conviction, "I never made a sacrifice."

269. When this trial comes back, I want you to come to Me. I'll help to lighten your load by giving you comforting words that will help you through. Darling, you're pleasing Me through your blind faith. The way is very dark for you and you're having to put your hand in Mine, and in the hand of others that are helping you, and fully trust that what they're telling you is the truth. For someone of your nature, this is a very hard thing to do.

270. I see the trials and the tests that soar around you like vultures all day long, but you have to keep chasing them away. Because all they want to do is cause you to tremble in fear so that they can pick away at your spiritual flesh until you're dead and have no will to fight. Don't let them come; chase those evil birds away by quoting Scripture, by resisting the thoughts that tell you that no one understands, and that this whole get–out regimen is too harsh. It's not too harsh at all, and you need someone with a firm hand who can lay down the law for you.

271. So be thankful and continue to obey. Remember the old quote, "It's better to obey." It truly is, My love. Even if now you feel like obedience won't bring you any blessings, but more like it'll bring you pain and cursing‚ that is not the case. Obedience always brings down My blessings, and I will bless you if you keep trusting and keep obeying. The victory is just out of sight. (End of message from Jesus.)

272. (Kristen:) Dearest Mama, I love you so much. It's only by the Lord's grace and everyone's prayers that things are going as well as they are. It's been a tough, tough road for me, but I know that like the Lord just said, "I have never made a sacrifice!" Every tear‚ every worry‚ and every battle is worth it, even if it was only to be able to stay here in WS. But there's so much more to this fight than just that; there's the fact that the Lord wants me to change, you want me to change, and it'll be a testimony. And also, I don't want to live like this—I want to be free. That's a huge motivator too. But sometimes it's not, because sometimes I just long for the discipline and the perfection that I had before. But then, I never had the amount that I wanted‚ and I was always feeling guilty for not reaching my diet and exercise and discipline goals. So I'm much more free now!

273. There's so much to change for, there's so much to look forward to, that I'm really happy. The hurt and sadness is going! Thank the Lord! And thank you for being such a sweet and wonderful shepherdess and for giving me a chance to change. Thank you so much for allowing Amy and Natasha to take their time to do this with me. I love them both so much and I don't know what I would do without them‚ really. They are so sweet, understanding, firm‚ loving, and they praise me when I take forward steps. It's all so helpful! I'm just very thankful.

274. I wish that I could show my gratitude by having an overnight change. I so wish I could do that, but even though I have the victory by faith, the Lord said that He wanted me to fight for it. I'm almost learning to love the fight; I'm not quite there yet‚ though! Ha! I love you dearly. With tons of love, hugs, kisses and prayers, Kristen.

Encouragement to Keep Going!

(Day 18:)

275. (Jesus speaking:) My love, don't try so hard. Don't hold on so tightly; just let go. Just let Me do it all through you. When you are weak, then I am strong. When you feel tired, weak‚ and forlorn, I am there, holding you, helping you, and loving you. My love for you goes from everlasting to everlasting, and it only grows with time; it never, ever diminishes.

276. So even though now you feel blown about with every wind, every emotion‚ and every wave that the Enemy sends crashing against you, fear not, neither be dismayed, because I love you and I'm keeping you safe, guarded and protected under My wings. There you will find rest; there you will never feel alone in your battle, alone in your worries, or alone in spirit or in the physical.

277. I care. When all else goes wrong, when you're tired of the fight‚ when you feel that tears are threatening to fall down your face‚ when you feel the Enemy pushing against your mind with doubt, fear, worries, guilt, or anything that he may be using on you—in that moment, I am there.

278. Sometimes I manifest myself to you, but other times I allow you to feel alone so that you will need faith to trust that I'm there. It's all a test and it's purging you and making you as gold. The fires of temptation and pain are hard to bear, but they will bring you out as pure gold. You have stood the trials, passed the tests, and come out as a pure, shining metal—one that I can use for even greater works.

279. So don't fear that this will never end. Don't look at the waves, but keep your eyes on Me! When you're tempted, when your mind is weary from the constant battle‚ look to Me and fly above all those worries‚ lying vanities‚ and cares‚ by letting Me carry you.

280. "How can I do that?" you ask. Well, it's simple; just engage your mind in something else. Don't think about the pain, the worries, the guilt and fear; that's for Me to take care of, not you. Pray, praise, listen to some Word or songs, go and find a friend and talk, go out, play a game—all of these things are rising above for you. It may not be something super spiritual, but this is what I want. I want you to forget about yourself, to forget about your mind, and to forget about your normal thought processes so that I can fill you with My Words.

281. Just like when it's time for a patient who has cancer to get operated on, sometimes it's merely a local anesthetic that is used; other times they put the person to sleep and then the cancer is able to be rooted out with the least pain possible for the dear person who is suffering. Well, you're suffering in heart and mind, so sometimes I will give you a local anesthetic by speaking to you and helping you through Word, prayer, and praise‚ and that will not only be as an anesthetic‚ but it's like medicine that will help you in times to come.

282. But sometimes, when you're really battling, the thing to do is to engross your heart and mind in something else. And even though it will take you fighting to keep your mind in subjection, still, it helps to have a change of scenery and to do something fun! In all of these things‚ I will be with you, and I will show you when is the time for each particular means of healing.

283. So let Me heal you, let Me help you, and I will do the work. I love you. I know that the way is hard‚ I know that you're feeling battered and worn, and then when you turn and look to the horizon, all you see is more and more battlefields for you to tackle. Yes, I understand the worry and the fear that you feel. But take it to Me, leave it at My feet, and walk away. I will carry you and your burden and make it light so that you can walk and feel free.

284. Freedom is coming. It's not just a fairy tale that I'm enticing you with; it's real, and it's going to be in your hands very, very soon. So keep going, My love; don't worry or fear, and I will carry you through any trial. No matter how hard the fight, it's nothing for Me! So rest in Me and I will be your all-in-all. It's just that simple! (End of message from Jesus.)

(Day 19:)

285. Today was a victory day! Lawrence and Natasha were so happy with me that it really gave me that boost to get going again. Last week when I had to eat sunflower seeds it was really, really hard, but thankfully this time I was able to eat them trial-free! Well, I could feel the trial coming on, so I rebuked it and then got into a chat with someone about work, and that helped to clear my mind and get me distracted. It worked super well. I know that it won't always work this way, but it helped to do that today. I'm so happy!

286. (Jesus speaking:) Keep fighting‚ keep working‚ and keep going for Me‚ and I will not fail you. Trust Me even when to trust is the hardest thing of all! I'd like to ask that each day after lunch you spend half an hour extra of reading‚ prayer, and praise. That will help you greatly to be able to change and to have the courage to make it through the rest of the day. In the morning you have your Word time, P&P time, and support group time; so then in the afternoon, after lunch, you should have some added time with Me from 2-2:30 PM each day. This is a time when you can go and sit outside in the shade, or just lie in bed and pray, have prayer vigil time or anything that you please.

287. You can make a little plan for your week of what you will do during that time, and that will help you to be able to keep going and make it through the afternoon, the snack‚ and dinner‚ which is when you get hit a lot. Do this for this whole next week and I will help you to make it. It will be the boost that you need. Know that I will bless this and cause it to bear such good fruit in your life. I love you. (End of message from Jesus.)

288. (Kristen:) So now I have a little bit of prayer vigil time, some Loving Jesus time, and also I work on personal Word projects during this 2-2:30 time slot, and it's really helping! Thank the Lord!

(Day 21:)

Dearest Mama,

289. I love you so much and think of you always. Having such a wonderful privilege of being able to hear from you so often is just such a blessing, and one that I will be eternally thankful for. Thank you for saying that you love me; thank you for having faith in me and for caring about me. I don't deserve one little bit of it. It's hard for me to accept love from others, or to even accept myself and how I am, but I'm trying. I'm trying to learn from the things that the Lord said to me about how what we consider our personal flaws are actually the parts that He likes the most about each of us individually.

290. But to hear your reassurance that I'm considered the same as your other "children" makes me feel so loved, so accepted‚ and it just really, really touched my heart. I have so many problems and take up so much of others' time, and then on top of it, I'm not the nicest, most loving person, so I feel extremely unworthy of any kindness shown to me. I really appreciate how sweet you've been to me. I love you so much.

291. I want to reply to your note about praying and asking the Lord if I should say yes to the publishing of your letter to me and my reactions to you. The answer is yes. It's embarrassing. I worry that I'll have a label now for the rest of my life of being the psychotic anorexic‚ and everyone will be expecting me to be thin if they ever meet me. That is my fear.

292. But my answer is, yes, by all means, do whatever you like. If there's anything that I can do to help‚ please just let me know.

I love you so much.

Love always‚ Kristen

To Mama from Kristen, Day 159

Dearest Mama,

293. Hi! I love you so much and am so very thankful for your help and prayers! I can feel them! Thank you for the Conviction versus Compromise GNs. The answers I received from the Lord on the P&P questions about Pan and Bacchus have brought a huge breakthrough in my life. The Lord said that Pan has a super strong hold on me through depression. Depression doesn't really sound like something that has all that much to do with anorexia, but in fact it is the driving force of my anorexia.

294. Several months ago when I first received your letter and made the commitment to change‚ Amy told me very clearly that if I went from eating what I had been eating to eating like a normal person‚ I would gain weight because of how slow my metabolism had become through my extreme dieting. This was very, very hard for me to even fathom trying to accept.

295. Most people tell me that I have the perfect shape with just the right proportions, but I can't believe it. I still feel gross and disgusting, and it's really going to take a miracle to change me from thinking that way.

296. Since making the commitment to change and signing my contract, I have often gotten to the point where I forget all the bad that happened because of my diets and exercise and all I remember is "thin, beautiful, confident, lovely, pretty"—when actually, if I take a minute to think about it, I wasn't happy at all. I was sickly, depressed, angry, suicidal, tired, achy, afraid, and very, very unhappy. But that part slips from my mind and all I can think is, "I'm so ugly now and before I was so pretty and thin. I had self–worth before, and now I have nothing, just blubber." And it gets me so upset and frustrated. I start battling with doubts and feelings like‚ "I gave up the most important things because I was told to, and now all I have for it is sadness and fat—just the two things that I didn't want."

297. I know that this is the Enemy; even when I'm thinking those thoughts, I am able to recognize it and know that I'm listening to the wrong channel. But sometimes even when I decide that this is total BS from the Enemy, I still can't shake it. It's like the depression and doubts cover me like a huge, very heavy, wet blanket, and it's super hard for me to get out from under it. I feel sometimes that it's nearly impossible.

298. Something that the Lord has asked me to do as another step is to forsake all my old clothes. They all still fit me, but they were tighter, and it got me pretty depressed when I would notice how loose they used to be in comparison to how they fit me now. But what happened was rather interesting. I knew the Lord was going to ask me to forsake my super tight clothes, and also Gabe and Amy were suggesting that I just get rid of them and then I would never know if they didn't fit me. But I didn't want to‚ because that felt like I was admitting that I'm bigger and I'm defeated, so I had been holding on‚ trying to never have to give them up. Well, my two favorite pants shrank in the wash, so now they're not only tight, but they're short too! I asked the Lord about it and this is what He said:

299. (Excerpt, Jesus speaking:) My love, this was all a work of My hand. This is what I orchestrated. I caused your clothes to shrink because I want you to forsake these things that are holding you back. See, you still have your jeans from your old days, from your sick and unyielded days, and that has been something that holds you back, because you test your weight by them. So I caused them to shrink so that 1) you wouldn't know exactly what size you are or how much you've gained, so you would be able to have full faith in Me, and 2) so that you could have a relatively "guilt-free" way of forsaking these trappings of your past and reaching toward the new. (End of excerpt.)

300. So‚ I'm trying to find some new clothes. But shopping is a real test for me because all around me are mannequins! They are the worst! I compare with mannequins, the pictures of models on the walls‚ the sizes of all the other girls in the store, and I'm just terrible! It's disgusting!

301. I don't like it that I'm so obsessed with my weight. I don't like it that I hate myself so much. I don't like it that I'm so afraid of food. I don't like it that the core of the whole thing is that I'm just so self-absorbed and I care so much about how I look. It's so hard for me to realize that others just love me for who I am and for how much I love the Lord and try to make Him happy‚ and not for how much weight I can lose or for how thin I am. Lawrence has told me repeatedly that I've gotten even better looking to him‚ happier, easier to live with, and that our relationship has just been getting better and better since my commitment to change.

302. But I just feel like he must hate me because I'm so ugly now and so squishy. I worked out so hard before that I was like a solid block of muscle—at least that's how I felt and that's what I liked. I don't like feeling little pockets of "softness" on me. But I guess like that old quote went, "I'd rather have 200 pounds of curves than a girl with 100 pounds of nerves…" that's really how it is.

303. If you start getting underweight and starving your brain, the only way that you can express emotion is through extremes like anger, fear, emotional outbursts and fits; basically you just go mentally unstable—crazy! I went to see a doctor who explained why I had such bad mood swings‚ how I'd have crying spells and super big highs and lows, which were never part of my character before at all. It's all due to the starvation that I subjected myself to.

304. I'm now able to put aside the mindset that I had of needing to look anorexic. I am able to accept the fact that people don't look at me and freak out that I'm so very skinny. For me, that's a huge step. I loved it when people would freak out and say that I looked like the living dead. I felt bad that they thought that about me, and sometimes I felt hurt when people would tell me I looked like an old lady, but in the back of my head I was elated! That just pushed me even more. I'd be like, "Yes‚ yes, I promise to gain some weight," but of course I didn't mean it. It's not a compliment for me when someone says, "Kristen, you're looking so good! You look healthy!" That crushes me and it takes me a few hours or days to overcome that "compliment." So being able to accept the fact that I'm no longer emaciated looking and that I look like someone that's alive and healthy is hard, but the Lord has really been doing it for me! It's a liberation that I can testify about!

305. I still get hit sometimes, but then I'm able to remind myself that I'm this way because the Lord asked it of me, you asked it of me, and my shepherds are doing so much to help me. I'm obeying, I'm doing what I was told, and I'm so much happier for it, even if I'm not happy with how I look. The Lord is really helping me. I think that now since I'm able to accept that I don't look anorexic, that's the first step. The next ones will be being able to not get so sad about myself, then to be able to accept myself sometimes, and hopefully sometime in the end of all this to be able to accept how I am without dying to lose weight.

306. I want total deliverance! I liked the image that I had set for myself, so it's a real crushing of my pride to not be that way anymore—and that's good! Thank the Lord for the tearing down of the old! I know that it's good even though it doesn't always feel good at all and brings many a tear to my eyes. I know it's all for a purpose and it's teaching me many needed lessons.

307. Once again, I want to thank you for the faith that you've put in me to change and the patience that you're having in not expecting me to make an overnight change. I'm trying my best and the Lord really has to do the rest, because I'm pretty weak. And another huge thank-you for the Conviction vs. Compromise Letters! They're wonderful and I'm so thankful for them! Doing these P&P's about Pan and Bacchus has opened my eyes to a whole area that I never knew about in my heart and mind. Now I know and am better equipped for fighting! Thank the Lord!

308. (Question:) In what ways has Pan influenced my life and mindsets?

309. (Jesus speaking:) A way that Pan influences your life is through movies‚ through fashion, and through thinking that these things matter. It's nice to have fun clothing‚ to enjoy a video, but the mindsets that come along with it, that "thin is beautiful, chunky or plump are ugly, and nothing else but thin will do" is certainly an attitude of the Enemy.

310. He has also caused you to think that it is important that you do not gain any weight. I know that you have already gained some weight and this is very difficult for you to bear‚ but you must remember that it is all for a good purpose. Don't let Pan come in with his lies, deceit, and distortions of the truth and distortions of the way that you really are, which is beautiful in My sight‚ making you think that you're ugly, fat, and all these horrible lies that make you so sad and depressed‚ almost to the point of wishing to give up on life.

311. You have gained many victories over Pan and the lies and deceits and depressions that he has filled you with. But he can still take hold of you if you let your guard down. So keep it up always. Know that he wants to depress you and make you sad; that is his ultimate goal. His power gets stronger over you if you let him in for one moment.

312. That's why you find such difficulty in shaking the depression once it sets in. It's not that you can't fight. It's not that you can't wield the weapons. It's just that he has been very strong in your life with depression and schizophrenia to where you are almost two people—the one that wants to rise above and the one that is in the throes of severe, life-threatening depression.

313. You should specifically ask for prayer against the stronghold of depression that Pan has in your life, for it is serious, and if not kept in check, can ruin your life, cause you to die‚ or wish you were dead. That is a horrible, horrible way to live. You want to be free from anorexia and this is happening, but the biggest blockade to your full recovery is this awful seed of depression that he has planted in your life. It must be rooted out through strong prayer, the laying on of hands, and a full and firm conviction in your heart to let it go. I know that you don't want to be depressed, for it does nothing but make you sad and wish to die, but it is part of you right now, because you have let it in for too long.

314. Seek Me more about how you can fight it on a daily basis, for this is not just a simple negative-thinking problem; this is severe depression that you feel. Having a stiff upper lip is good sometimes, but at other times it can really keep you from availing yourself of the full power that is in united prayer together. As you ask for prayer, I will bless you with full healing from this grasp of depression. (End of message from Jesus)

(Kristen's note to Mama continues:)

315. After asking for prayer against the depression‚ I was finally able to fight so much better. I felt happier and the depression wasn't so crippling. Thank the Lord! I was still battling pretty heavily at times, so I brought this to the Lord one morning. Here's my prayer and His answer.

Battles with Depression,
And the Formula for Victory

316. (Question:) Dearest Jesus, I guess You know that I have been having a really hard time with myself. All of this eating, the lack of get-out, and my basic trials and attacks about it have really intensified over the past little while. Every day I'm hit with horrible self–loathing. I can't even bear to be in my clothes. I hate myself so badly and I feel so very fat, disgusting and blobby. I sometimes wish that I could just die to end it. I know that's a little extreme‚ but sometimes I do feel that way. Most times, it's just a horrible sinking feeling and I feel ugly, gross, and like I don't want anyone to look at me or touch me, and I wish that I could be left alone.

317. I try to pull out of it myself, but like You said, Pan really has his hold on me in this way and it's very hard for me to pull out of it sometimes. I do want to overcome. I know that I can't go back to my former way of life, but there must be some easier way. I should just be able to put this in Your hands and overcome my fears, trials, and pain over this. I need a solution. I need a remedy. I know that You must have one, so I'm begging You for it. I'm confessing to You that I cannot carry on without Your help, without some strong words and solutions to this problem that I have.

318. Lord, I can't make it one more day like this. I want to have contentment and happiness in being what You made me. But it's going to take a miracle. Because at this point, disobeying and going back is looking good. I know that it shouldn't and I feel so bad telling You this, but even though I know it must be a lie of the Enemy to steal away the victory, I'm tempted to trade it in for my chance to lose some weight. It's so sickening that I can be tempted so easily. Lord, You're going to have to do it, You really are. So please speak to me and give me something that will help me through‚ because as of now‚ I'm about as low as I can get before I cave in. I'm just tired, weary and sick of this. Please help me and speak to me‚ Jesus. I don't know what to do.

319. (Jesus speaking:) This certainly is a tough thing to go through. I know you feel that it's about time that I help you to get over this problem by taking away the sadness and the fight. But then that wouldn't make you strong.

320. What you need to do each time you're fed up and disgusted with yourself is to remember that you weren't any happier with yourself before. It's not like this is a new trial that you're having. You think that the trial or the battle or the fight is worse each time than the time before, but that's not true. Each time it's getting easier for you to overcome it. You're rising above, and even though it's certainly disheartening to keep being hit by the battles, soon you won't be as bothered by them.

321. When you are in the depths of despair about your looks and your weight, follow this formula:

1. Stop and take a moment to pray.
2. Ask Me to help you.
3. List five things about your body that you like.
4. List five reasons why you're happy for the changes that you've been asked to make.
5. List five things about your former state of anorexia that made you unhappy and that you didn't like.

322. After you take a few moments to list these things, you'll realize that what you're feeling right now isn't that bad and it's a very small price to pay for total freedom. And in the long run you'll learn to believe the five things that you're happy about in regards to your body. You'll start feeling a little more confident. You'll be able to accept a compliment here or there and not think that the person is just trying to be nice. You'll be able to walk around in clothes that are a little more revealing and not feel that if someone tells you that you look nice‚ that you're just getting fat.

323. A compliment is made by someone who genuinely thinks that you're looking nice in that area. People forget that you have had a very severe problem along those lines, so to them, you're normal and they're not conniving some way to get you to feel bad; they're just saying what they feel, and that's that. So take the compliment and be happy for it. Compliments are meant to cheer you up, not worsen your day. Try to at least let it warm your heart a little.

324. You feel that your trials and fears and depression about yourself are only getting worse, but actually, that's not true; they're getting better and better! You're overcoming, and your muscles are being strengthened to fight the fears and worries that are bombarding you. You're making progress! You're really tired from the fight and you wish that you could just be handed the victory. You feel that you've fought hard enough, you've tried long and hard to overcome, and you're at the point that if I don't hand you the victory, you'll give up.

325. But don't give up before the crown comes down upon your head. It's almost there—don't run away and give it up. Others can see that the victory crown is descending upon you, but you just feel the cold, the exposure, and you wonder how much longer you can bear it. You're tempted to run and ask for your coverings of anorexia to be given back to you. But do you want to rue the day that you carelessly gave up your crown? Or do you want to know that you've held on through the cold‚ the wind‚ the fire, the storms and have come out battered but victorious? You may always carry some scars from battle in the way of a reminder of how you could have gone; you may always need to stay vigilant against these thoughts. But once the walls are fully rebuilt and the towers are armed once again and the banner of victory over the Evil One can be set up once again, then you will not have to continually fight to stay above water. You will feel good about yourself once again.

326. You won't go through each day feeling so depressed. You won't go through such battles just to change your clothes. You won't look at your suitcase, fearing that maybe something will be tighter. No, you'll be able to wear your clothes with happiness, you'll be able to take a compliment, you'll be able to be happy with yourself once again. So don't fear, My love. Don't give up the fight, but stand strong against the wiles and attacks of the Enemy, and soon you will come out victorious. I love you. (End of message from Jesus.)

(Kristen's note to Mama continues:)

327. This formula the Lord gave me for when I feel depressed and feel like going back to my old ways has helped me many times. It's kinda hard to pull yourself out of the dumps when you're in so very deep that you can't even be yielded to the thought of praying, because it just sounds like too much effort. Well, praying is pretty easy; it's taking some time to hear from the Lord that just really doesn't seem feasible at the time. I don't know why that is, because really, that's the only thing that will help, but it's the only thing that I really don't feel like doing at the time. I guess it's the Enemy wanting to keep me from gaining the victory over the dumps, so he just makes the solution seem too hard.

328. Sometimes listing five things about myself that I like is virtually impossible. I just can't think of anything that I like about myself‚ so I have to go for things like‚ "I like my hair" or "I like my eyes," because they're stuff that's not affected by weight. But at least it's something. Sometimes that's about all I can do. This seemed like a very tall order for me at first, but after trying it I've seen that it puts me in a happier and more praiseful state, and then I'm able to go to the Lord for the real help that I need. So it really has worked for me to have this formula!

329. (Question:) In what ways has Bacchus influenced my thoughts?

330. (Jesus speaking:) The desire to run back to your crutch of dieting to make you feel better about yourself is one great way in which Bacchus works in your life. Pan gets it started by making you feel depressed, and then Bacchus calls you. He pulls you with his tentacles back into the muck and mire of dieting and the vicious cycle that it is. You have been cutting his tentacles‚ fighting and praying‚ and you must continue to do this.

331. But the true victory lies in overcoming the hold that Pan has on you, and then you will be able to stay away from Bacchus completely. Bacchus has strong power over you in the area of dieting, but only when you open the door to Pan, for Pan comes in first in your life. Then when you open the door to Pan, you start feeling the tentacles of Bacchus weaving their way around you. If you don't fight them, you're caught again. The longer he holds on, the stronger and thicker his tentacles grow, until you're overpowered again.

332. You've come this far by faith—don't let him in! Keep Pan at bay through prayer and the laying on of hands, and then you will find that full victory will come to you because of your faith and willingness to ask‚ seek, knock, and receive My healing power for you.

333. It is your natural inclination to take anything to an extreme‚ to hold on to the thing that you want and do it and do it and do it. This is also something that Bacchus uses in your life. It starts out as something that is part of your nature, which, when turned to good use, is a great tool in My hand, for you have spirit, fervor, and drive to do what you're told or what you know I want you to do. You do it with your whole heart. But at the same time, when not turned to good use but when turned to self-destruction, it is a great hindrance in your life, and makes your walk with Me, your physical health‚ and your life a misery.

334. So you must always pray over each new decision that you make, to be sure that it is in line with My will, and that you will not take something too far, for extremes are your weakness. You do not know how to keep something in check. You saw this clearly in your anorexia: Once you decided to diet to an extreme, it took only a few short months and you were nearly dead.

335. You must be prayerful that you do not allow Bacchus to play upon this area of your life—of putting your full will and energy and time into any given thing—which I would like to use as a strength, but which he would use to destroy you. So keep your heart stayed on Me and check all of your actions, thoughts, and deeds by Me to make sure that you're not taking anything too far to any extreme‚ and I will help you and keep your actions in check by speaking to you or making it impossible for you to be extreme in the wrong direction. (End of message from Jesus.)

(Kristen's note to Mama continues:)

336. Thank you again, dearest Mama, for these wonderful new GNs, for the fast day, for the P&P questions that you asked each of us in the Family to pray about, and for having the faith that we can change! It has been a great help to me to have learned more about the spirits behind the attacks that I've had, and now I feel so much more equipped to fight. I love you so much and pray that this note finds you well.

Love, Kristen

To Mama from Kristen, Written Nearly 10 Months After Receiving Mama's Letter

Dearest Mama,

337. I love you so very, very much and pray that this note finds you well! I have a lot to tell you about and I don't know where to start!

338. The Lord has been doing so many mighty miracles for me. I think that after giving Him all the glory, I can truly say that I am healed! The battle has been won! Anorexia is now no longer a part of my life. It is a testimony that I was sure would never be told, but the Lord is faithful and has kept all His promises to deliver me! It has now been nearly 10 months to the day since I received your letter and the battle to be healed began, and it's a huge miracle that the Lord has delivered me so quickly! I was expecting it to be a 10-year fight, so I am so encouraged—not only that the victory has been won, but it has proved to me that all the new revelations truly work! Not that I doubted that they would, but it's just so cool to see them happen right in my own life. I'm especially inspired about the "Full Possession" revelation, as that one is just what I need. I just hate my thoughts and I know that I still battle with negative thinking a great deal. I do get hit sometimes with thoughts that I'm eating too much or that I'm ugly, and so I do still battle occasionally—but I can eat what is set before me, which is something I thought I could never do.

339. There is one big factor that has played a part in my healing, and up until last week I was feeling that maybe I didn't really have a testimony of healing because it seemed to me like I got the easy way out.—In late November I found out I was pregnant, and when your life isn't your own anymore, it really changes your perspective. Lawrence and I are very happy about having a baby and this new development in our lives. It's a huge miracle that I even got pregnant and have been able to keep the baby, it's really a sign of the Lord's healing, that He has not only helped me develop new habits and be obedient in taking care of my body, but He has even repaired some of the damage that I did to it through my extreme dieting. It's very encouraging for me.

340. Anyway, the first little while of being pregnant was hard. Not only is it just plain not fun to be having morning sickness all day and all night, but to have the added weight of being scared to eat and trying to monitor the fat and calories, and yet trying to get the victory over those mindsets, was just very hard. So it was a rough ride for a little while, but then things really started to change. I started being able to eat without fear‚ to join in on meals with everyone and actually eat what they are, and without the "shakes" or any fears beforehand or battles afterwards!

341. It's now been two months where I have been like a normal person when it comes to food. Sometimes I just can't stomach something‚ but that's just part of being pregnant, not because I won't eat the food due to fat content. In fact, sometimes (and this is so not the old me) I have chosen something that has a higher amount of fat in it because that's what I felt like eating at the time.

342. So, as I was saying, even though I was so happy to finally be freed of the discouragement and all that comes along with anorexia—and believe me, there's a HUGE difference in my life and happiness now—at the same time I was a little sad, worrying that there probably really wasn't much of a testimony of healing now because I felt like I sorta got the cheater's way out, so to speak. But then‚ last prayer morning when I prayed about the P&P assignment you sent us, the Lord encouraged me greatly about how and why my victory came. Here it is:

343. (Question: ) Dear Love, what has changed in my life or walk with You‚ or what progress have I made since the worldwide prayer/fast day and Feast 2002?

344. (Jesus speaking:) You, My love, are now less ignorant of the Enemy's devices. The things that he could use on you before no longer work, or their power over you has been greatly minimized because of the prayer of deliverance that you received on the fast and prayer day. You can now truly say that prayer does work, that desperate and wholehearted prayers for deliverance can truly deliver someone from a long-standing bad habit‚ from an attack of the Enemy, from anything that the Devil is using in your life to hinder you and your walk with Me.

345. You are tempted to feel that it is this pregnancy that healed you from your anorexia and the tendencies that you had. But what you do not see is that you were also receiving this prayer for deliverance at the same time. So this is an answer to prayer—it is what I used as the final catalyst to propel you into full freedom. You had tried and fought long and hard; you had battled day in and day out, in your times of wakefulness and in the times that you slept. You had to fight always, for the Enemy was relentless. Thus you had no time to relax, and you were battle-weary. But I could see that you were willing to fight through till the end, and so I gave you the victory after your deeply felt and deeply yearning prayers. You asked and asked and asked again, and your friends and shepherds pled and interceded for you‚ they cried for you, and you personally begged Me for deliverance, and this is why I gave it to you. You didn't cheat your way out.

346. You can fully thank Me for the victory‚ because I knew what I could use to pull you out. I knew what I could give you, what weapons would help you to be healed in mind and body, and so I gave them to you on that day that you cried out with a whole heart for deliverance. When you called out for help, when you received yet another prayer, another inpouring of My Spirit, then I was able to fully cast out the demons, Pan and Bacchus, that were hindering you and fighting you sore. And you were healed in that moment! You received My help and My power.

347. Just getting pregnant couldn't take away the fears of certain foods that you've had. Just one change in your physical makeup cannot rewrite your mind and thought patterns. It was a miracle of My hand, for I could see that you wanted that victory and you had prayed‚ fought‚ and bled for it for many, many months, and I knew that now was the time for you to be delivered. In that day of fasting and prayer you were able to fully call out for My power, and like I told you before, that was the day of deliverance. That was the day that I would answer and deliver any who called upon Me with a whole heart. And this is what I did with you.

348. Great things have happened to you since those days. You are learning more and more with the new revelations of putting on My mind and allowing Me full possession‚ and you are now able to not only eat, but the guilt is gone‚ the self-hatred is gone. You're learning that putting on some weight doesn't automatically make you disgusting and ugly. It can add to your beauty, for your heart has changed. You have felt peace. The years of torment and trial are over and you can now concentrate on other things—on praising Me, on being thankful for how I've made you.

349. Now the playing fields are level. You don't have the Enemy oppressing you so forcefully, but you can fight him just like any other in learning to overcome your negative feelings about yourself. Now you can wield the weapons of praise like you never have before. Now you can fully accept My thoughts into your heart and mind and life because you are empty of the evil spirits that used to plague you before. The war has been won!

350. There will be little battles for you here and there‚ and I know that sometimes that old Devil tries to pop up and lie to you that you're still not healed‚ and sometimes the fear of a food grips you—but the key is to not give in to that fear. Rebuke it in My name, and you will keep the victory and go from strength to strength.

351. That is the key, the victory: Just keep fighting. Don't allow yourself the luxury of giving in to a fear and refusing to eat something because of its content. Even if all you can do is take one bite of it, do it! Even if it's something you don't like, just try it and you just might like it! There are so many victories that have been won for you because of your prayers and the prayers of your loved ones who have fought by your side these many months. (End of message from Jesus)

(Kristen's note to Mama continues:)

352. Like I said above, this prophecy was so encouraging to me and really shows me how the Lord doesn't tempt you above that you are able, but truly does make a way for us to escape so that we may be able to bear it. I was at the point right before the fast and prayer day that I was at wits' end. I didn't feel like I could fight one more day, I was so tired of the battle. But the Lord was so faithful to pick me up right when I felt like I couldn't go on any longer‚ and He helped me through!

353. It's funny that He's using something that is just going to make me bigger for the time being, but it's really teaching me. It's helping me to put what I've learned into practice—that it's time to put on His mind, to not think my own thoughts about this situation that I'm in, but thank Him and praise Him that I am getting fat! Ha! This has been great training for me to get me to a point where every lesson I've learned, every prophecy I've received, every lecture that I've gotten is going to have to go into full effect right now to help me to be big, pregnant, and proud of it! And by God's grace, I will! He can do it, He can help me.

354. I'm so thankful that on the whole everything is all better! Like the Lord said‚ the playing fields are more even. I'm not oppressed to where I can't even move out from under the depression to fight the battle, because now that Pan and Bacchus have been cleared out of my heart and mind, I am much more equipped to fight these little discouraging thoughts. And it's really true, sometimes I do look in the mirror and it's a little disheartening, but then I can just say "Praise the Lord," and I'm okay! It's not like it takes me a few hours or days to get over it; it's just a split-second decision, and that's a miracle!

355. So, there is a happy ending to this long story, and that is, the Lord does do miracles! It's one that, Lord help me, I had to go on your faith for and Gabe and Amy's faith‚ and Natasha and all the others who supported me and stood by me and believed it was possible, because I didn't think it was possible. I knew my mind, I knew how I thought, and I just really didn't think that my very nature, my deep mindsets and habits could be changed. But thank God, they have! I'm so relieved, so happy, so thrilled to be living life and to be able to experience true freedom.

356. Things started getting better the day I received your letter and decided to change, but it was so slow, so frustrating, so hard. But the fight was worth it, and the Lord was so merciful to see me in my tired, worn-out and discouraged state and give me the victory. I had to prove to Him that I wanted and needed it and was willing to keep fighting, but the victory wasn't one that could be won by my works or anything that I could do in the flesh to totally change my thoughts. Even though I started eating foods and acting in obedience, if my mind wasn't right, if I hadn't been freed from the obsession with getting thinner, then I would have had to stay with Amy for the rest of my life or I'd be dead. I got to the point where I felt that it really had to be a miracle to be fully delivered and not bothered by those mindsets at all, and that is what it was! I'm so inspired!

357. Also, now that I think back, the Lord was really right when He said that one change in my physical makeup couldn't rewrite my mind like has happened. So it was that day of desperate prayer and deliverance from Pan and Bacchus that got me the full and complete healing. The cool thing is that it was pretty much from one day to the next. It took me a while to ease into eating normally and to lose all fear, but the victory had been won. It was just my faith that needed to be stretched a bit.

358. I just wanted to tell you once again how very‚ very thankful I am that you saw fit to invest that much time in me, and to let Gabe and Amy and others take their time to help me too. They have had to be very tough on me many times over the past year‚ but they also have given me so much love‚ so much time, so much sacrifice that there's nothing in this world that I could possibly do for them to show my appreciation that would suffice. Lawrence has stuck with me through some mighty rough times‚ has helped with shepherding me, teaching me, coaching me, and has been such a wonderful support.

359. I feel my life cannot be called my own. It was bought by the Lord firstly, and fought for by so many of my wonderful mates and friends here in WS that I cannot say that I have won the victory alone or that I fought through by myself, because they also fought for me, they prayed for me, they took their time to help me, talk with me, and show me that I'm loved for just being me—not because of what I can do or accomplish—and that means more than gold.

360. Just thinking about the sacrifice that it has been for so many here and the love that they have shown me, the patience that they had for me and the time that they gave me to change without making me feel pressured or like I wasn't making progress fast enough, makes me cry. There's nothing that I can do to repay it all. I guess the best that I can do is keep fighting and not let go of the crown that has been given to me as a gift for others' work and prayers that pulled me through. And most of all, all glory and credit and thankfulness to the Lord, Who really was and is my ever-present help in time of trouble, Who treats us as His bride and really doesn't give us more than we can bear. There were times when I sure felt like He didn't understand how hard it was for me, but He knew best. When I was truly at the end of my rope, He brought the healing! Thank the Lord!

I love you very, very much.

With love always, Kristen

361. (Mama:) Dearest Family, please continue to pray for all our young people who face heavy battles and attacks on both their spiritual and physical lives and health. The Enemy fights them hard and sometimes they need a lot of help to overcome the battles, but it's worth it. The investment of time to help them is an investment in the future, and all that they will go on to do for the Lord and the wonderful fruit that will be borne through their labors and dedication and sacrifices will far surpass any time we could spend with them now to help them make it. Amen?

362. And dear ones, if you're feeling attacked‚ please ask for help and prayer! We need you desperately‚ we love you, and we want to do anything we can to help you make it. No matter how bad or difficult or long-lasting the battles seem now, they will pass, and if you can hang on and fight to make the right choices, you will go on to a time of great happiness and fruitfulness where you will actually see and feel the victory. You will no longer have to take it by faith, but it will be tangible, and you'll have the experiences under your belt that the Lord will use to help others. Hang on, and fight for the victory, and you'll be so happy you did! I love you!

Love, Mama

P.S.: He Does Come Through For You

363. (Mama:) To close this GN‚ I wanted to share with you a little testimony that dear Kristen gave at a recent meeting with her Home, where different ones were sharing lessons and asking for prayer. It's a good example of what a wonderful victory the Lord has given her. She's so happy, so changed, and simply doesn't battle those terrible thoughts and battles anymore. Thank the Lord for deliverance!

364. (Kristen to her Home:) I just wanted to testify that when the Lord asks you to give up something which you feel is the only thing in your life that really makes you happy and makes you have any form of self–confidence, it's a really, really hard thing to do. I know, because I spent two and a half years kicking against the pricks about it. What I want to say is that once I gave it up, or once the Lord helped me to forsake it, I have never been happier than I have been since I finally yielded and did it. Even though it doesn't feel like you're trading in what you want for something better, it really is true that when you give up what the Lord asks of you, He does replace that "hole" with something so much better, and with that comes peace, happiness, and the fulfillment of knowing that you've made Him happy.

365. I wish that everyone could experience this and feel that kind of peace and happiness, because not only is it wonderful, but it gives you so much more faith to take on the next request or challenge that the Lord has for you. It's a very, very hard concept to grasp or take by faith—that the Lord really does come through for each one of us. Even though we feel like we've hit the "end of our rope" millions of times, He knows when it truly is the "end" for you, and when it's time to deliver‚ He does. I feel like, all glory to Jesus‚ I am living proof that He does come through for you‚ He does answer prayer, and He does mean it when He says that when you give up the thing that's holding you back, even if it's the most important thing to you, He will replace it with something better and make you happier for it!

(End of file.)