101 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CHILD'S SELF-ESTEEM--(Self-Confidence)
(Editor: This book gives helpful tips about considering children as real people, worthwhile persons, letting them know they are important to us. The authors of this book base their suggestions on the foundation that the children obey & submit to the parental word, just as with our Family. With this basis, these tips & pointers can help parents to create a good, happy relationship with their children. Much of this advice can be applied as well to our relationships with other adults as well.)
Introduction
Here are some basic keys to help your child know he's accepted in the home, to have successful experiences, to know he's important, capable & competent.
Choose several of these methods & apply them in your home. Make them work for you. Once you have a few working, choose a few more & get going on them.
Focus Your Attention
Everyone knows that kids thrive on attention. But simple attention isn't all they need. They need a special kind. They need focused attention.
Every day take at least some time to give your child your undivided attention to show him that he's genuinely important to you.
Little Ellie burst in through the front door, just home from school. "Hey, Mom! Guess what!" Mom was washing dishes. What should she do? Ellie's obviously excited-- but there's a lot of work to be done. It's a bad time to be interrupted.
But Mom makes the better choice. "What?" she says, smiling. She dries her hands, kneels down beside Ellie, touches her arm, & looks straight into her eyes.
Chances are that Ellie doesn't have anything too important to tell her mother. But something very important is going on here: Mom is giving Ellie her focused attention.
Simplify the Environment
The more opportunities for success you can give your child, the better. One way to assure success is to make the environment such that he won't be continually running up against "NO's!"
Aaron wanted to get himself dressed, but the buttons on his shirts were hard to handle--even for his mother. Solution: Find clothes that Aaron could button himself.
But once he had the right clothes, there was another problem: most of the drawers in his dresser were too high for him to reach. Solution: Dad built him a box he could stand on to get his clothes out.
Simplify your child's environment so it fits him better, & he'll be able to have more successes in your home.
State Facts, Don't Evaluate
Most of all us adults are a big guilty of poor communication techniques with our children. The trouble is that when they do something we don't like, we evaluate our child's behaviour, rather than simply stating how their behaviour makes us feel.
Suppose Alicia & Allen are chasing each other around the room. Your first reaction will be to shout at them, "You kids are really being rude. Settle down!" The children will hear what you're saying & make this interpretation: "We're rude kids. We don't care about how Dad feels."
But if you send an I-message, their interpretation will be more accurate. You say, "I'm trying to concentrate, & I can't when it's noisy." This time they don't think they're rotten kids. Instead they'll think that Dad's trying to concentrate.
All that difference comes just from trying to state your feelings instead of trying to lay blame.
Don't Take Over for Him
It's Jenny's new job to set the table. The first night Mom helps her, showing her where to put the silverware, the plates, the glasses, the napkins. The next night they do it together, just to make sure Jenny has the right idea. So far, so good.
But on night three Jenny gets to solo. She haphazardly lumps the silverware by the side of each plate. She forgets to put the pepper on the table for her father. She puts the napkins on top of each plate, instead of by the side like her mother taught her.
"Your memory's about as short as a sheep's tail," Mom complains. She stomps over to the table, towering over poor Jenny, & proceeds to set the table right. "There!" Mom says. "That's how it's done." Jenny looks up at her mother, her eyes filled with tears.
I hope you've never done that--but chances are you have!
When you give a job or a responsibility to your child, let him do it the best way he can. If he can't yet come up to your standard, don't do the job over.
After all, what's more important: that the table be set right or that your child feels helpful & fulfilled?
Of course, you can still correct your child when they make a mistake with their assignment. But correct the child, not his work. "Jenny, did you forget where the spoon should go?"
Jenny looks & corrects it herself. This way she learns how to correctly do her task.
If you constantly take over for your children, you're defeating yourself twice. First, you're damaging their willingness to help, & second, you're ensuring that they'll never learn to do the job right by themselves.
Helping in Frustration
When your child is frustrated, help him work through it. Help him become more competent in that particular area.
Tammy is sitting at the dining room table working on her first-grade home work. Suddenly she crumples up the papers & throws them on the floor. "I can't do it! I can't do anything right!" says Tammy.
If her mom just lets it pass, Tammy may leave the experience really believing herself. But there's a much better way. Her mom uncrumples the papers & smoothes them out on the table. "This lettering can be kind of hard, can't it," says her mom, who shows that she understands Tammy's frustration. "Which letters are giving you the most trouble?" she asks. "All of them!" answers Tammy.
But as they talk together, her mom learns which letters are giving Tammy the most trouble: the ones with descenders like g, p, y. She shows Tammy how to write these letters, then watches while Tammy practices.
Helping your child overcome frustrations is no more difficult than simply spending the time to help him become more confident at the thing that's frustrating him.
Use Building Nicknames
"Hey, Fats, get your elbows off the table!"
"Think you can catch it this time, Butterfingers?"
Maybe your child is overweight. Maybe his head is a little pointed on the top, or maybe he's clumsy.
If you're going to use nicknames with your child, choose a name that will build his self-image. Choose one that will point out a positive aspect of is person.
Maybe your daughter honestly has a pointed head, but she also has a very pleasant personality. Call her Happy, Smiles, Joy.
Another daughter is clumsy, but she's also smart. Call her Smarts, Brains, Thinker.
Of course, you have to choose a name that's comfortable for you. And one that really does fit the child.
Whenever you use a nickname, be sure you use it as a term of affection, not of sarcasm. Your tone of voice when you say the name will make all kinds of difference.
Be Polite
Treating your children politely shows them that they're important as people, that they're worth at least as much respect as anyone else in your life.
For example: "Ruth, will you please clear the dishes off the table?"
"Ralph, it's time to get ready for bed. Please run upstairs."
"Henry, thanks for taking the trash out. That really helped me."
"Excuse me, Jill. I didn't mean to bump into you."
These words are magic in more ways than one. They'll help things run more smoothly. They'll help your children be more cooperative & polite.
Politeness is one small thing you can do for your child that will pay off in big dividends throughout his entire life.
Make Sure that Family Rules are Understood
Nothing is more frustrating than to break a rule that you never knew existed.
Children basically desire to please their elders, & if they know what's really expected, they'll usually do their best to deliver. The problems arise when the family rules are not clearly defined.
How can you make sure that your family rules are clearly understood by everyone in the family? First, try to get each child involved in discussing the rules.
The second step is to have the child restate those rules in his own language. If he can verbalize them in his own way, you've probably successfully communicated them.
Third, institute the rules immediately--but have an unannounced grace period in which you work out any misunderstandings.
These three steps will help assure that every member of your family has a clear understanding of what's expected.
Have Talks & Activities that Build Confidence
It makes you feel good when someone you love talks intimately with you--when they share how they really feel & when they listen to you.--When the other person lets you talk, they obviously care how you feel.
It's no different for a child. When you let them talk to you, they feel closer to you. They feel better about themselves.
Spend time talking with your child, and he'll feel good twice: once because you're spending time with him, & once because you're talking about him.
Here are a few ideas you can use:
--Have him tell you "Things I like doing."
--Have her tell you "Things I'm happy about."
--Ask her to explore her feelings & tell "How I feel right now."
--Have her explain "Something I did for someone else today."
--Tell her what she did that made you feel happy today.
--Tell him what it felt like when he was born. Tell him about how things were when he was little.
--Have him tell you about good things he remembers from when he was younger.
Activities: Have your child draw "a picture of me" or have him put together a collage from magazine scraps.
Take your child's fingerprints & hang them on your wall.
Get a large sheet of butcher paper or newsprint, have your child lie down on it, & trace around his body. Then let your child color in his clothing & features. Hang it on his wall.
Set goals together, & put them on a chart. Hang the chart in an obvious place & review & update it periodically. The goals should be things that your child really wants to accomplish, not things you want her to do.
Teach Responsibility
Mike started to do his homework, but he was being distracted by the TV & his brothers playing in the next room. Finally it was bedtime--& the homework still wasn't done. Mom put him to bed anyway, despite his protests that he'd get a bad grade.
The next night Mom tried to make it easier on Mike. She helped him set up a desk in his room, so he wouldn't have so many distractions. He still had difficulty concentrating, & Mom found that she had to use supportive methods. She promised to read him a story if he finished his homework before bedtime. Another night she told him he'd get to stay up an extra half hour if he finished his homework by bedtime.
Soon Mike was consistently doing his homework on his own. His mom's support paid off.
The keys to teaching responsibility are simple: just give praise, give support, & be persistent. Make sure your child knows what's expected. Make sure your expectations are realistic.
Encourage Perseverance
Parents should encourage perseverance in their children. The more a child perseveres, the more success she'll achieve.
When a child gives in to discouragement or fatigue, she suffers a loss of confidence. Sometimes it's best to leave a job & return to it later, but it can be damaging to anyone to start a job & then give up on it indefinitely.
When your child wants to give up, encourage him to persevere. Does your child view himself as a quitter? Then he'll find it easier & easier to quit, all the while finding himself less valuable as a person.
Praise your child when she continues at something even though it's somewhat difficult. Set a good example by being persevering yourself. Let her know it's better to get help on a hard project than to give up.
Have Clear Areas of Responsibility
In the Martin home there's a chart on the refrigerator that outlines every family member's chores. The responsibilities rotate, so one week, for example, a child takes out the garbage & the next week she sets the table. Of course, all the chores depend on the age of each child.
Everyone knows what they're supposed to do & when they're supposed to do it. It's a great system. The work gets done, usually with a minimum of reminders. Everyone in the family knows that the workload is shared pretty much equally. The system helps all family members feel that they're an important part of the family, & it gives each one a regular success experience.
Never Ridicule
"Hey, everybody look at Rosemary! She looks like a cow with her tongue stuck out that way!"
"You smell like a pig. Why don't you ever take a bath?"
I suppose parents who say these kinds of things have good motives. Their intent isn't to ridicule per se; it's not simply to make their child feel like a fool. Instead they're trying to shock & shame the child into changing his ways.
Never use ridicule in dealing with your children. It hurts without helping.
Respect your child's dignity as a person. That's the building approach.
Everyone has self-dignity, but if it isn't honored by others, a person soon loses it. On the other hand, if you recognise that your child is a person with feelings & needs, you'll treat her with dignity. She'll be more willing to respond to the things you'd like her to do.
Regularly Give Praise & Express Appreciation
Parents simply need to watch for opportunities to share positive feelings with their children--& then to share them in a positive way.
Every child does something good. Perhaps he's pleasant in the morning when everyone else is grumbly. Maybe he makes his bed; or brushes his teeth without trouble; or plays nicely with friends; or takes good care of his pet; or keeps his room picked up; or gives you hugs when you need them most; or has a warm smile; or learns quickly; or has a good imagination; or is a good athlete; or helps his little brother. Whatever your child's strong point, whatever he does right, take that opportunity to praise him, to express appreciation.
Set Reasonable Expectations
Erin spills her milk all over the breakfast table. Dad yells, "You spill your milk every meal! Get up to your room!"
Kelvin won't sit still in church, & he talks so loud that he's bothering everyone around him. His mother takes him outside & spanks him.
Rose comes home with all C's on her report card--again. "You can't watch any more TV until you get those grades up," her parents tell her.
The parents in these three examples all have one thing in common: they have unreasonable expectations for their children. Erin is at the clumsy age; she can't be more careful. Kelvin is too young to remember to whisper. He can't understand why it's necessary anyway. Rose is intellectually immature for her age; she tries hard, but average is all she can muster in school.
Every parent should regularly review the expectations he has for his children. If your child seems to be failing in something you think she should be able to do, it may be that you are expecting too much.
Teach Your Child Honesty
1. Always be totally honest with your child. If he knows that you've lied to him, whatever the issue, he'll come to think that lying is acceptable, even if he still feels unworthy when he does it.
2. Create a climate that is conducive to honesty. Every child is fallible, & they should be allowed the freedom to make mistakes. If they are expected to be perfect all the time, they'll simply learn to cover up their fallibility rather than learn to improve. When your child makes a mistake or has an accident, approach her in such a way that she'll know it's safe to be honest.
3. Never open the door for a lie. If you know your child has done something wrong, don't ask him if he did it. Simply confront him with the evidence & have it out. Don't ask, "Who did this?" Instead say, "I noticed you broke my bowl & spilled sugar all over."
4. When you suspect he's lying, tell him so--kindly. Agree that sometimes it seems easier to lie. But note that it makes a person feel much better about himself when he tells the truth.
5. When your child tells the truth even when it seems hard, praise her: "I'm happy that you decided to tell the truth even though it might have been the hard thing to do."
Encourage Neatness
Parents can build confidence in their children by teaching them to be neat. The spirit is lifted & encouraged when the environment is clean.
When things are a mess, you get more easily discouraged. Life isn't as cheery. Everything seems to go wrong.
It's no different for a child. He doesn't feel good when his surroundings aren't neat. Nothing abut his life is as rosy.
That doesn't mean that Mom & Dad have to clean up after him all the time. That's not the solution. Instead the child needs to learn to be neat on his own. The first step is to have set chores that the child is responsible for. Who cleans the child's room? Once he's four or five, he can do it by himself. Before then he can help. Who picks up her clothes? The child does. Who keeps her toys in order? The child does.
Make things easier by making the room child-sized. Put his toy shelves & clothes drawers where he can reach them. Don't use a toy-box--they discourage neatness. Shelves or toy bags are better.
When your child fails to do her job, don't do it for her. Don't take the responsibility from her. Instead, tell her that she can't go outside to play until the room is clean. The job will get done.
Teach Your Child to Work
The child who knows how to work will be happier. He sees how he's contributing to his family & to his world, & this makes him feel more valuable as a person.
Every young child wants to learn to work. They think it's fun to do the things that Mom & Dad get to do. Take advantage of that willingness, but don't give them more than they're ready to do, & take the training slowly; you'll have to expect a less-than-professional job for quite a while.
One thing that makes every child more willing to work is to have his mom or dad working beside him. This makes the job easier; everything seems to go smoother & faster.
Work is something everyone needs to learn to do. Teach it to your child consistently & enthusiastically, & he learns to be successful with work.
Teach Your Child Cooperation
If parents want to teach cooperation, they need to be good models. Do you constantly pull apart, working in two directions, or do you work together? The child will follow your sample. He'll see you as a model of how we should get along in our World.
Whenever your child cooperates with another, be sure to praise him: "I'm glad about the way you & Bobby helped each other to clean your room. You both worked together to get it done--& it helped you to finish the job even faster!"
Lecturing & preaching won't do the trick. But modeling, practicing, & praising will. Your child will gradually learn the skills of cooperation.
Let Your Child Have a Private Space
Having a private space is important to your child. It helps the child feel she's important. It tells her that she has something all her own, to do with as she pleases.
You don't have to have a huge house to give each of your children a private space.
One child might have a private area put inside a closet. Let her set it up as she wishes.
Another child can have his private space in the corner of the family room. Put up a screen around his corner, & he's got his own space.
Show Acceptance by Listening Passively
It's easy to talk to your child when he comes to you with a problem or complaint. But it's harder to sit silently & listen "passively."
You've heard the humorous definition of a good conversationalist: "Someone who lets the other person do all the talking." That's pretty much what you should do with your children. This way you'll learn lots of things going on in his young life.
Encourage a Journal
Encourage your children to have a journal, diary, or personal record.
What things can you do to encourage a journal?
A good first step is to keep one yourself, which will show your children that parts of our lives are worth keeping a record of.
Second, help your child purchase a notebook or diary to keep his thoughts in. Help him think of things to record, but only for the first few times. After he gets the hang of it, let him be on his own. What should he record? Set up a chart where he can record his daily memory work, ML reading, special events & things learned.
Try to include diary-time in your daily routine with him.
Let the child keep his diary private.
Look for the Good
Melissa cleaned off the table after supper. In the process she scattered crumbs all over the floor, she lost a spoon under the refrigerator, & she broke a dish in the sink.
You might say her effort was a total disaster, but Melissa's mom is particularly wise. She knows that if you criticise a child when she's trying to help, she won't be particularly eager to help the next time.
The solution, then, is for Mom to find the good in what Melissa has done. "Melissa," Mom says, "you sure did a great job of scrubbing the table."
Melissa beams: "I'm sorry I messed everything else up, but I did a good job there, didn't I?"
Kids know when they've done something wrong. They don't need to be reminded--or lectured--about that. But they're unsure about when they do something right, & that's when Mom or Dad comes in & looks for the good.
Let Your Child Grow Creatively
Maybe your child's strong point isn't drawing. Maybe it's in his use of words, either written or spoken. Maybe it's in the way he puts his blocks together or the way he moves.
How do you foster creativity?
1. Be interested in what your child is doing. Ask her about the projects she chooses to get involved in. Listen to her answers.
2. Be as excited about impromptu projects as more involved ones. Your child will express his creativity as much in a sandpile as in a three-dimensional model made from scratch.
3. Watch for those areas your child seems to be naturally attracted to. If she seems to be physically oriented, her creative talent might be in dance. Encourage these areas.
Give Plenty of Affection
Nothing beats a good hug! "Hi, Mom. I'm home," says Sally. She puts her lunch pail on the kitchen counter & starts to go upstairs.
But Mom stops her, puts her arms around her, & gives her a big hug. "Did you have a nice day?" asks Mom.
Sally smiles widely & hugs her mother back.
Our children have a never-ending need for affection. It's one way we tell them that they're important to us & that we're willing to reach out & include them in our lives.
While you're showing affection, don't forget to verbalize it too. "I love you." "I'm sure glad you're in our family." "Thanks for being precious." "I like it when you give me such a big hug. Can I have another?"
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You can lead a child to the Lord all the time by your example & your love even before he can talk.
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