HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN & LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK--By A. Faber & E. Mazlish, Avon Books.
(Editor: The following examples & tips are to teach parents the "skills" of how to talk to children. Please adapt these pointers to areas you may need help in with your family, Home or associates. GBY! WLY!
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"Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips." Psa.141:3.
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I. HELPING CHILDREN DEAL WITH THEIR FEELINGS
We found that when we accepted our children's feelings, they were more able to accept the limits we set for them.
What people of all ages can use in a moment of distress is not agreement or disagreement; they need someone to recognise what it is they're experiencing.
Children need to have their feelings accepted & respected--To help your children deal with their feelings you can:
1. LISTEN QUIETLY & ATTENTIVELY.
2. ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS WITH A WORD: "Oh...Mmm...I see..."
3. GIVE THE FEELING A NAME: "That sounds frustrating!"
4. GIVE THE CHILD HIS WISHES IN FANTASY: "I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!" Parents don't usually give this kind of response, because they fear that by giving a name to the feeling, they'll make it worse. Just the opposite is true. The child who hears the words for what he is experiencing is deeply comforted. Someone has acknowledged his inner experience. Use God's Word to comfort & strengthen the child.
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His Word is always a comfort & the Voice of His Spirit is always an encouragement in the hour of greatest trial.
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II. ENGAGING COOPERATION
DESCRIBE
Instead of--
(Adult:) How many times do I have to tell you to turn off the bathroom light after you use it!
Describe: The light's on in the bathroom.
Instead of--
(Adult:) Get off the phone this instant!
Describe: Jill, I need to make a phone call now.
(Child:) I'll be off in one minute.
When grownups describe the problem, it gives children a chance to tell themselves what to do.
GIVE INFORMATION
Instead of--
(Adult:) Who drank milk and left the bottle standing out?
Give Information: Kids, milk turns sour when it isn't refrigerated.
TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS--Make no comment about the child's character or personality.
Instead of--
(Adult:) What is wrong with you?! You always leave the screen door open!
Talk About Your Feelings: It bothers me when the screen door is left open. We don't want flies around our food!
Children are entitled to hear their parents' honest feelings. By describing what we feel, we can be genuine without being hurtful.
SAY IT WITH A WORD
Instead of--
(Adult:) I've been asking and asking you kids to get into pajamas and all you've been doing is clowning around. You agreed that before you watch TV you'd be in pajamas and I don't see a sign of anyone doing anything about it!
Say it With a Word: Kids, PAJAMAS!
Comments, Cautions, and Anecdotes
Describe. Describe what you see or describe the problem.
The best part of using descriptive language is that it takes out the finger pointing and accusation, and helps everyone focus on what needs to be done.
"The milk spilled. We need a sponge."
"The jar broke. We need a broom."
"These pajamas are torn. We need a needle and thread."
You might want to try each of the above statements on yourself, only this time start each sentence with a "you." For example, "You spilled the milk...You broke the jar... You tore your pajamas..." Notice the difference? Many people claim that "you" makes them feel accused and then defensive. When we describe the event (instead of talking about what "you did"), we seem to make it easier for the child to hear what the problem is and deal with it.
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I was furious when my two young sons came to dinner covered with green water- color paint, but I was determined not to lose my temper & scream at them. I turned to my list of tips on how to talk with children that I had taped to the pantry door & used the first one I saw--Describe What You See. Here's what happened next:
ME: I see two boys with green paint on their hands and faces!
They looked at each other, and ran into the bathroom to wash up.
A few minutes later I walked into the bathroom and was ready to scream again. The tiles were covered with paint! But I hung on to my one skill.
ME: I see green paint on the bathroom walls!
My older boy ran to get a rag saying, "To the rescue!" Five minutes later he called me in to look again.
ME: (sticking with description) I see someone helpful cleaned all the green paint off the bathroom walls.
My older boy beamed. The younger one piped up, "And now I'm going to clean off the sink!"
If I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't have believed it!
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You teach kids by your attitude & your actions, which speak much louder than your words!
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Give information. What we like about giving information is that in a sense you're giving the child a gift he can use forever. For the rest of his life he'll need to know that "milk turns sour when it's not refrigerated," that "open cuts need to be kept clean," that "tapes warp near heat," that "crackers get stale when the box is left open," and so on. Parents have told us that the skill of giving information isn't hard. What's hard, they say, is leaving off the insult at the end, such as "Dirty clothes belong in the laundry basket. You'll never learn, will you?"
We also like giving children information because the child seems to experience it as an act of confidence in him. He says to himself, "Grownups trust me to act responsibly once I have the facts."
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The One-Word-Statement. Many parents have told us how much they appreciate this skill. They claim it saves time, breath, and boring explanations.
Teenagers we've worked with have told us they too prefer the single word, "Door" or..."Dog"...or "Dishes," and find it a welcome relief from the usual lecture.
As we see it, the value of the one-word statement lies in the fact that instead of an oppressive command, we give the child an opportunity to exercise his own initiative, and his own intelligence. When he hears you say, "The dog," he has to think, "What about the dog?...Oh, yeah, I didn't walk him yet this afternoon...Guess I'd better take him out now."
Caution: Don't use your child's name as your one-word statement. When a child hears a disapproving, "Susie," many times during the day, she begins to associate her name with disapproval.
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Children's reactions depend on adults' attitudes.
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Describe What You Feel. Most parents are relieved to discover that it can be helpful to share their real feelings with their children, and that it's not expected of them to be eternally patient. Children are capable of dealing with honest statements like:
"This isn't a good time for me to look at your composition. I need a little rest right now. After dinner I'll be able to give it the attention it deserves."
"I need to take some prayer time now while you lie down to rest. Please don't talk to me for awhile, OK? You can listen to a Word tape."
Write a Note. Most children love receiving notes--both those who can read and those who can't. Little ones are usually thrilled to receive a printed message from their parents. It encourages them to write or draw notes back to their parents.
Older children also like receiving notes. A group of teenagers we worked with told us that a note can make you feel good-- "as if you were getting a letter from a friend." They were touched that their parents cared enough to take the time and trouble to write to them. One young man said that what he appreciated most about notes was that "they didn't get any louder."
Parents report that they, too, like using notes. They say it's a quick, easy way to get through to a child and one that usually leaves a pleasant aftertaste.
NOTICE:
STORY TIME TONIGHT AT 7:30 P.M.
ALL CHILDREN WHO ARE IN PAJAMAS
WITH TEETH BRUSHED ARE INVITED.
LOVE,
MOM AND DAD
A light touch with notes isn't necessary, but it can certainly help. Sometimes however, the situation is not funny and humor would be inappropriate. We're thinking of the father who told us that his daughter ruined his brand-new record by playing it on her little phonograph with a dull needle. He said that if he hadn't been able to vent his anger in writing, he would have punished her. Instead he wrote:
Alison,
I'M BOILING!!!
My new record was taken without my permission and now it's full of scratches and doesn't play anymore.
--MAD DAD.
A little later the father received this note back from his daughter:
Dear Dad,
I'm really sorry. I'll buy you another one this Saturday and whatever it costs you can take it out of my allowance.
--Alison
This father got tired of yelling and finally decided to let a note do the talking for him:
Dear Sam, I know you're busy with sports and study, but the papers need tying, old buddy-buddy. Thanks, Dad
One mother flew this message below in a paper airplane with words on it to her son and his friend--neither of whom could read. They ran in to ask what the words said, and when they found out, they ran back to put away their toys.
Toys away after play. Love, (pic of mommy)
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We really need a lot more love & patience & prayer & reasoning with our children.
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QUESTIONS
Isn't "how" you say something to a child just as important as "what" you say?
It certainly is. The attitude behind your word is as important as the words themselves. The attitude that children thrive upon is one that communicates, "You're basically a lovable, capable person. Right now there's a problem that needs attention. Once you're aware of it, you'll probably respond responsibly."
The attitude that defeats children is one that communicates, "You're basically irritating and inept. You're always doing something wrong, and this latest incident is one more proof of your wrongness."
If attitude is so important, why bother about words?
A parent's look of disgust or tone of contempt can hurt deeply. But if, in addition, a child is subjected to words like "stupid"..."careless"..."irresponsible"... "you'll never learn," he's doubly wounded. Somehow words have a way of lingering long & poisonously. The worst part is that children sometimes pull out these words at a later date and use them as weapons against themselves.
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Most children are more sensative & more easily hurt & more fragile than most adults.
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Is there any way to explain the fact that sometimes my kids respond when I ask them to do something but sometimes I can't seem to get through?
We once asked a group of school children why they sometimes didn't listen to their parents. Here's what they told us:
"When I come home from school, I'm tired, and if my mother asks me to do something, I pretend I don't hear her."
"Sometimes I'm mad about something that happened in school and I don't feel like doing what she tells me."
In addition to the children's thoughts, here are some questions you might want to ask yourself when you feel you're not "getting through":
Does my request make sense in terms of my child's age and ability? (For example: Am I expecting a four-year-old to have perfect table manners?)
Does he feel my request is unreasonable? ("Why does my mother bug me to wash behind my ears? Nobody looks there.")
Can I give her a choice about when to do something, rather than insisting upon "right now." ("Do you want to take your bath before your video show or right after?")
Can I offer a choice about how something is done? ("Do you want to take your bath with your doll or your boat?")
Are there any physical changes that could be made in the house that would invite cooperation? (Could some hooks be placed low in the closet to eliminate the struggle with hangers? Would some additional shelves in a child's room make cleanup less overwhelming?)
Finally, are most of my moments with my child spent asking her to "do things?" Or am I taking out some time to be alone with her--just to "be together"?
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Sometimes when you're with children you just have to have fun with them. Everything doesn't have to be so educational. For goodness sake, let your hair down & have a little fun once in a while!
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Humour works best with my son. He loves it when I ask him to do something in a funny way. Is that all right?
If you can reach your child's head through his funnybone, more power to you! There's nothing like a little humor to galvanize children into action and to perk up the mood in the household. The problem for many parents is that their natural sense of fun fizzles out from the daily irritation of living with kids.
One father said that a sure-fire way for him to put a spirit of play into the task ahead was to use another voice or accent. The kids' favourite was his robot voice: "This-is-RC3C. The next-person-who- takes-ice-and-doesn't-refill-tray-will-be- orbited-into-outer-space. Please-take-affirmative-action."
Sometimes I find that I'm repeating myself about the same thing over & over again. Even though I use skills, I still sound as if I'm nagging. Is there any way to avoid this?
Often what makes us repeat ourselves is a child who acts as if he hasn't heard us. When you are tempted to remind the child about something for the second or third time, stop yourself. Instead, find out from him if you've been heard. For example:
MOTHER: Billy, we're leaving in five minutes.
BILLY: (doesn't answer & continues reading.)
MOTHER: Would you tell me what I just said?
BILLY: You said we're leaving in five minutes.
MOTHER: Okay, now that I know you know, I won't mention it again.
My problem is that when I ask for help, my son says, "Sure, Dad, later" and then he never follows through. What do I do then?
Here's an example of how one parent handled that problem:
FATHER: Steven, it's been two weeks since the lawn was mowed. I'd like it done today.
SON: Sure, Dad, later.
FATHER: I'd feel better if I knew just when you plan to get to it.
SON: As soon as this program is over.
FATHER: When is that?
SON: About an hour.
FATHER: Good. Now I know I can count on your doing the lawn one hour from now. Thanks, Steve.
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For a child to be trained by love takes a lot more time & patience, but they'll be a far better child & much more obedient if they are persuaded to obey through love, rather than by breaking their will & forcing them to obey for fear of punishment.
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III. ALTERNATIVES TO PUNISHMENT
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could always forestall problems by planning ahead? For those times when we have neither the foresight nor the energy, here are some alternatives to punishment that can be used on the spot.
LET HIM EXPERIENCE THE CONSEQUENCES:
(Child:) Mommy, where are you going?
(Mother:) Shopping.
(Child:) I want to go, too!
(Mother:) Not today.
(Child:) Why not?
(Mother:) You tell me why.
(Child:) Because I ran around in the store?
(Mother:) Yes, that's right.
(Child:) I'm sorry. Give me another chance!
(Mother:) There'll be plenty of other chances, Billy. Today I'm going by myself.
ALTERNATIVES TO PUNISHMENT:
Express your feelings strongly:
"I'm furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain!"
State Your Expectations:
"I expect when my tools are borrowed that they be returned promptly--and in good condition!"
Now show the child how to make amends.
"What this saw needs now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease... And a light coat of oil when you're finished will protect it for the future."
(Child:) I'll do it now.
For many children any of these approaches would be enough to encourage them to act more responsibly.
But suppose the child continues borrowing and forgetting? Give the child a choice.
"You can borrow my tools and return them or you can give up the privilege of using them. You decide."
And if he still continues? Take action!
(Child:) Dad, your tool box is locked!
(Dad:) That's right! For the time being I need to know my tools are exactly where I left them.
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The best kind of so-called punishment should be chastening or child-training, something that will teach them something, train them & help them to learn the lesson, & help them never to make the same mistake again.
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EXPERIENCES
After much frustration with the whole toilet-training process, I decided to try the problem-solving technique with my son, who was three at the time. We sat down together at the table and I said, "David, I've been thinking about how hard it is for a little boy to learn how to use the toilet. I'll bet sometimes you're so busy playing that you don't even notice that you have to go."
He looked at me with his big eyes but didn't say anything. Then I said, "I'll bet that sometimes even when you do notice, it's hard to get to the bathroom in time and climb onto that toilet."
He nodded his head, "Yes."
Then I asked him to bring me paper and crayon so that we could write down all the ideas that we could think of that might help. He ran into his room and brought me a yellow paper and a red crayon. I sat down with him and began to write.
I started by listing two ideas.
Buy a stepstool like the one Jimmy has in his bathroom. Mommy will ask David if he needs to "go."
Then David piped up, "Mommy and Peter will help me." (Peter is his friend, who is trained.)
Then he said, "Peter wears 'big boy pants.'"
I wrote "Get big boy pants for David."
The next day I ran out and bought him a stepstool and a pile of training pants. David was delighted with both and showed them to Peter and Mommy, who were reassuring.
We talked again about recognizing when he has to "go"--the pressure in his tummy-- the need to get to the bathroom and get his pants off in time. He knew that I was sympathetic to the difficulties involved.
Anyway, it's been about three months now and he's just about completely trained. And is he proud of himself!
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The best way to teach is to help people find the answers to their own questions & to demonstrate it visibly if possible.
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Parents told us that once their children became accustomed to this problem- solving together, they were more able to work out their differences with their sisters and brothers. This was a big bonus for the parents. Instead of having to step in, take sides, play judge, and come up with a solution, they restated the problem and put it right back where it belonged--in the lap of the children. The statement that seemed to activate the children to take responsibility to resolve their own conflicts was, "Kids, this is a tough problem: but I have confidence that you two can put your heads together and come up with a solution that you can both agree to." This first example is from a father:
Brad (four) and Tara (two-and-a-half) were outside. Brad was riding Tara's bicycle and Tara wanted to ride it. Tara started to get hysterical and Brad refused to get off.
Normally I wouldn't have hesitated to say, "Brad, get off. That belongs to your sister. You have your own bicycle!" But instead of taking Tara's side, I said, "I see you both have a problem. Tara, you want to ride your tricycle. Brad, you want to ride Tara's tricycle and she doesn't want you to." I then said to both of them, "I think you should try to work out the problem together."
Tara continued to cry and Brad thought for a moment. Brad then said to me, "I think Tara should stand on the back of the tricycle and hold on to my stomach while I ride."
I said, "This solution should be discussed with Tara, not me."
Brad then asked Tara & Tara agreed! They then both rode off into the sunset.
Last week I found a pile of orange peels and pits on the sofa. When I asked my boys "who did it?" each one pointed to the other. If it isn't a good idea to find out which child is guilty and then punish him, what can I do?
The question "Who did it?" usually leads to an automatic, "Not me," which in turn leads to "Well, one of you must be lying." The more we try to get the truth, the more loudly the children protest their innocence. When we see something that angers us, it's more helpful to express that anger than to locate the culprit and punish him.
"I get furious when I see food on our sofa! Orange peels can stain it permanently."
At this point you may hear a chorus of, "But I didn't do it." This is your opportunity to let everyone know:
"I'm not interested in knowing who did it. I'm not interested in blaming anyone for what happened in the past. I am interested in seeing improvements in the future!"
By not blaming or punishing, we free the children to focus on taking responsibility, rather than on taking revenge.
"Now I'd like both of you to help clear the sofa of all peels and pits."
We feel that whenever possible, along with our disapproval, we should point the way toward helping a child to make amends. After his initial remorse, the child needs a chance to restore his own good feeling about himself and to see himself as a respected, responsible family member once again. As parents, we can give him that chance. Here are some examples:
"The baby was playing happily until you took her rattle away. I expect you to find some way to end her crying now!"
(Instead of, "You made the baby cry again. Now you're going to get a smack.")
"It really upsets me to come home to a sink full of dirty dishes when you gave your word they would be done. I'd like them washed and put away before bedtime!"
(Instead of, "You can forget about going out tomorrow night. Maybe that will teach you to keep your word.")
Statements like these say to the child, "I don't like what you did, and I expect you to take care of it." We hope that later on in life, as an adult, when he does something he regrets, he'll think to himself, "What can I do to make amends--to set things right again?" rather than "What I just did proves I'm an unworthy person who deserves to be punished."
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You need to operate in the spirit when disciplining a child.
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SOME ALTERNATIVES TO "NO"
A. Give Information (and leave out the "No"):
CHILD: Can I go over to Suzie's to play now?
Instead of, "No, you can't,"
Give the Facts: "We're having dinner in five minutes."
With that information, a child might tell herself, "I guess I can't go now."
B. Accept Feelings:
CHILD: (At the zoo) I don't want to go home now. Can't we stay?
Instead of, "No, we have to go now!"
Accept his feelings:
"I can see if it were up to you, you'd stay for a long, long time." (As you take him by the hand to go) "It's hard to leave a place you enjoy so much, but we promised to meet the others soon!"
C. Describe the Problem:
CHILD: Mom, can you take me to the library now?
Instead of "No, I can't. You'll just have to wait."
Describe the problem:
"I'd like to help you out. The problem is the electrician is coming in the next half hour."
D. When Possible, Substitute a "Yes" for a "No":
CHILD: Can we go to the playground?
Instead of, "No, you haven't had your lunch yet."
Substitute a "yes":
"Yes, certainly. Right after lunch."
E. Give Yourself Time to Think:
CHILD: Can I sleep over at Gary's house?
Instead of, "No, you slept there last week."
Give yourself a chance to think:
"Let me think about it."
This little sentence accomplishes two things: It takes the edge off the child's intensity (at least he knows his request will be seriously considered) and gives the parent time to think through her feelings.
It's true, the word "No," is shorter, and some of these alternatives seem much longer. But when you consider the usual fallout from "No," the long way is often the short way.
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Try to always accentuate the positive & not the negative.
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IV. TO ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILD TO GROW UP
LET CHILDREN MAKE CHOICES. These are all choices that give a child valuable practice in making decisions.
(Adult questions:) Are you in the mood for your grey pants or your red pants?
Would you like half a glass of juice or a whole?
(At the playground:)
We're leaving in five minutes. Do you want to go on the slide one more time or on the swing?
What would work best for you?--Practicing guitar before dinner or after?
DON`T ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS
Instead of: How did your teacher like your composition? Did you pass the math test? Is anyone coming over after school to play with you today? No? Why not?
SAY INSTEAD: Hi! I'm glad to see you!
Instead of: Did you have a good time at the party? Who was there? Were people dressed up? What did you have to eat? Was there dancing? Did you dance? With whom?
SAY INSTEAD: Welcome home!
Too many questions can be experienced as an invasion of one's private life. Children will talk about what they want to talk about when they want to talk about it.
DON`T RUSH TO ANSWER QUESTIONS
Instead of: Daddy, where does rain come from?
(Adult:) Rain is caused by evaporation and condensation of moisture. You see what actually happens is...
ALTERNATIVE: Daddy, where does rain come from?
(Adult:) That's an interesting question. What do you think?... Let's research it in the encyclopedia.
Instead of: Why does Grandma visit us every week?
(Adult:) Because she loves us so much and because she lives nearby and...
ALTERNATIVE: Why does Grandma visit us every week?
(Adult:) You wonder about that. Why does Grandma visit us every week?
When children ask questions, they deserve the chance to explore the answer for themselves first.
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The mediocre teacher tells, the good teacher explains, the superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires.
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Experiences
The teacher described her efforts to convince a young mother that her son really would be fine if she wasn't sitting there in the classroom with him. Five minutes after the mother left, it became obvious that little Jonathan needed to head for the bathroom. When the teacher urged him to go, he mumbled unhappily, "Can't."
She asked, "Why not?"
"Cause my Mommy isn't here," Jonathan explained. "She claps for me when I finish."
The teacher thought a moment. "Jonathan, you can go to the bathroom and then clap for yourself."
Jonathan looked wide-eyed.
The teacher led him to the bathroom and waited. After a few minutes, from behind the closed door, she heard the sound of applause.
Later that day the mother called her to say that the first words out of Jonathan's mouth when he came home were, "Mommy, I can clap for myself. I don't need you anymore!"
"Would you believe it," the teacher exclaimed to me. "The mother said she was actually depressed about this."
I could believe it. I could believe that despite our feelings of pride in our children's progress and joy in their growing independence, there could also be the ache and the emptiness of no longer being needed.
It's a bittersweet road we parents travel. We start with total commitment to a small, helpless human being. Over the years we worry, plan, comfort, and try to understand. We give our love, our labor, our knowledge and our experience--so that one day he or she will have the inner strength and confidence to grow up.
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You mothers are the ones who are molding the future & making the World!
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Comments
Let Children Make Choices
It might seem inconsequential to ask a
child whether he wants a half glass of milk or a whole, his toast light or dark; but to the child each small choice represents one more opportunity to exert some control over his own life. Here's what a father told us he did:
"My wife and I were about to cross the street with Tony, who's three, and the baby. Tony hates it when we hold his hand and struggles to get loose--sometimes in the middle of the street. Before we crossed I said, "Tony, as I see it, you have two choices. You can take hold of Mommy's hand or you can take my hand. Or maybe you have another idea that's safe."
"Tony thought for a second and said, 'I'll hold the carriage'. His choice was fine with us."
Show Respect for a Child's Struggle
We used to think that when we told a child something was "easy," we were encouraging him. We realise now that by saying, "Try it, it's easy" we do him no favour. If he succeeds in doing something "easy", he feels he hasn't accomplished much. If he fails, then he's failed to do something simple.
If on the other hand we say, "It's not easy" or "That can be hard," he gives himself another set of messages. If he succeeds he can experience the pride of having done something difficult. If he fails, he can at least have the satisfaction of knowing that his task was a tough one.
Some parents feel they're being phony when they say, "That can be hard." But if they were to look at the task from the point of view of an inexperienced child, they would realise that the first few times you do anything new, it really is hard. (Avoid saying, "That must be hard for you." A child might think "Why for me? Why not for anyone else?")
"Sometimes it helps if you push the end of the zipper all the way down into the little case before you pull it up."
"Sometimes it helps if you roll the clay into a soft ball before you try to make something."
"Sometimes it helps if you turn the knob of a lock a few times before you try
the combination again."
We like the words "sometimes it helps" because if it doesn't help, the child is spared feelings of inadequacy.
More Ways to Encourage Children
Let Her Own Her Own Body
Refrain from constantly brushing the hair out of her eyes, straightening her shoulders, dusting off lint, tucking her blouse in her skirt, rearranging her collar. Children experience this kind of fussing over them as an invasion of their physical privacy. Encourage them with a good sample.
Refrain from Critical Commenting
Few children appreciate hearing, "Why do you write with your nose in the paper? Sit up when you do your homework...Take your hair out of your eyes. How could you see what you are doing?...Button your cuffs. They look so sloppy hanging open...That old sweat shirt has got to go," etc.
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If a child lives with criticism he learns to condemn.
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Don't Talk about a Child in Front of Him--No Matter How Young the Child
Picture yourself standing next to your mother as she tells a neighbour any of the following:
"Well, in the first grade he was unhappy because of his reading, but now he's doing better."
"She loves people. Everybody's her friend."
"Don't mind him. He's a little shy."
When children hear themselves discussed this way, they feel like objects--possessions of their parents.
Let a Child Answer for Himself
Over and over again the parent, in the presence of the child, is asked questions like: "Does Johnny enjoy going to school?"
"Does he like the new baby?"
"Why isn't he playing with his new toy?"
The real mark of respect for the child is to say to the inquiring person, "Johnny can tell you. He's the one who knows."
V. FREEING CHILDREN FROM PLAYING ROLES
At least once a week, I'd hear some parent, somewhere, say something like:
"My oldest is my problem child. The youngest is a pleasure."
"Bobby is a born bully."
"Billy is a pushover. Anyone can take advantage of him."
"Michael is the lawyer in the family. He's got an answer for everything."
"I don't know what to feed Julie anymore. She's such a picky eater."
"It's a waste of money to buy anything new for Richie. He destroys everything he lays his hands on. The boy is just plain destructive."
I used to wonder how these children acquired their labels to begin with. Now after years of hearing about what goes on inside of families, I realize that the casting of a child in a role could start very innocently. For instance, one morning Mary says to brother, "Get me my glasses."
Brother says, "Get them yourself, and quit bossing."
Later she says to Mother, "Brush my hair and make sure you get out all the knots." Mother says, "Mary you're being bossy again."
Still later, she says to Daddy, "Don't talk now. I'm playing my record." Daddy responds, "Listen to the big boss!"
And little by little, the child who has been given the name begins to play the game. After all, if every one calls Mary bossy, then that's what she must be.
But if a child has already been cast into a role, for whatever reason, does that mean that he has to play out that part for the rest of his life? Is he stuck with it, or can he be freed to become whatever he's capable of becoming?
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It is better to believe that a child does possess good qualities than to assert that he does not.
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To Free Children From Playing Roles
1. Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself or herself.
2. Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently.
3. Let children overhear you say something positive about them.
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Praise is one of the most important parts of child-training.
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4. Model the behaviour you'd like to see.
5. Be a storehouse for your child's special moments.
LOOK FOR OPPORTUNITIES TO SHOW THE CHILD A NEW PICTURE OF HIMSELF OR HERSELF
A sample to the destructive child: "You've had that toy since you were three and it almost looks like new!"
A sample to the undependable child: "With everything else on your mind, you remembered to check the lost-and-found for your gloves. That's taking responsibility!"
IV. PRAISE & SELF-ESTEEM
1. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SEE.
"I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books neatly lined up on the shelf."
2. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU FEEL.
"It's a pleasure to walk into this room!"
3. SUM UP THE CHILD`S PRAISEWORTHY BEHAVIOUR WITH A WORD.
"You sorted out your pencils, crayons and pens, and put them in separate boxes. That's what I call organization!"
SUMMING UP IN A WORD
(Adult:) You've been working to memorize that vocabulary list for over an hour. Now that's what I call perseverance!
(Adult:) You said you'd be home at 5 o'clock and it's exactly five. That's what I call punctuality.
(Adult:) You noticed that the plants were dry and you watered them. That's what's known as taking initiative.
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Children thrive on praise! It's more important to praise a child for his good works & his good behaviour than it is to scold him for his bad behaviour. Always accentuate the positive!
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Some Cautions about Praise
1. Make sure your praise is appropriate to your child's age and level of ability. When a very young child is told with pleasure, "I see you're brushing your teeth every day," he experiences pride in his accomplishment. Were you to tell the same thing to a teenager, he might feel insulted.
2. Avoid the kind of praise that hints at past weaknesses or past failures:
"Well, you finally played that piece of music the way it should be played!"
"You look so nice today. What did you do to yourself?"
"I never thought you'd pass that course--but you did!"
It's always possible to rephrase your praise so that the focus is on the child's present strength:
4 "I really like the way you kept a strong, rhythmic beat going in that piece."
"It's a pleasure to look at you."
"I know you put in a lot of work to pass that course."
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Let me be a little kinder
Let me be a little blinder
To the faults of those around me,
Let me praise a little more.
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3. Be aware that excessive enthusiasm can interfere with a child's desire to accom- plish for herself. Sometimes parents' continual excitement or intense pleasure in their child's activity can be experienced by the child as pressure. A young person who gets daily doses of "You're such a gifted pianist! You should be playing at Carnegie Hall," may think to herself, "They want it for me more than I want it for myself."
4. Be prepared for a lot of repetition of the same activity when you describe what a child is doing appreciatively. If you don't want him to blow the whistle five more times, then refrain from saying," You certainly know how to make a big noise with that whistle!" If you don't want her to climb to the top of the jungle gym, don't tell her, "You really know how to use your climbing muscles." There's no doubt about it. Praise invites repetition and a great outpouring of effort. It's potent stuff. Use it selectively.
Questions
My son gets plenty of praise from me, and yet he's still fearful of risking failure. He goes to pieces if something he attempts doesn't turn out right. Is there anything I can do?
There are a number of ways that you could be helpful to him:
1. When he's upset, don't minimise his distress. ("There's nothing to be upset about.") Instead, bring out into the open what you think he might be feeling.
"It can be frustrating to work on a project for so long and not have it come out the way you want!"
When his frustration is understood, a child tends to relax inside.
2. It helps when a parent can be accepting of his child's mistakes and view them as an important part of the learning process.
It can even be pointed out that a mistake can be a discovery. It can tell you something you never knew before:
"You found out that a soft-boiled egg can become hard just from sitting in hot water."
3. It also helps if parents can be accepting of their own mistakes.
When parents "beat up" on themselves ("I forgot my key again. What is the matter with me? That was such a dumb thing to do! How could I be so stupid? I'll never learn."), children conclude that this is the proper way to treat themselves when they make mistakes.
Instead, let us provide a more humane, solution-oriented model for our children. When we do something we wish we hadn't, let's seize the opportunity to say aloud to ourselves:
"Oh, I wish I hadn't forgotten that key...It's the second time...What can I do to make sure it doesn't happen again...I know, I'll have a duplicate key made up and keep it in a secret place."
By being kind to ourselves, we teach our children to be kind to themselves.
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The reason our children are such wonderful children is because you parents & teachers have been such examples to them. They believe in the Family & the Lord & what we believe, because they believe in you & know you live it & you are it & they don't doubt it & they love you & respect & admire & have faith in you.
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When Parents Praise
Michael called me in to show me that he made his bed for the first time. He was jumping up and down with excitement. I didn't have the heart to tell him that the spread didn't cover the pillows or that it was dragging on the floor on one side and short on the other. I just said, "Wow, you got the spread to cover most of the bed!"
The next morning he called me in again and said, "See, I got it to cover the pillow, too. And I made the sides even!"
It was amazing to me. I always thought that for a child to improve, you had to point out what they did wrong. But by my telling Michael what he did right, he seemed to want to improve on his own.
* * * *
It bothered me that Hans never took initiative for doing any job around the house. By the age of nine, I felt he should be taking more responsibility.
Tuesday night I asked him to set the table. Usually he needs constant prodding to finish a task, but this time he did it all with no reminders. I said to my husband, within earshot of Hans, "Frank, did you see what Hans did? He got the placemats out, the dishes, the salad bowl, the napkins, the silverware! That's really taking full responsibility." There was no apparent reaction from Hans.
Later when I went upstairs to put my younger son to bed, I asked Hans to come up in fifteen minutes. He said, "Okay."
In fifteen minutes he was up and in bed. I said, "I asked you to come up and be in bed in fifteen minutes and here you are-- exactly on time. That's what I call being a person of your word." Hans smiled.
The next day Hans came into the kitchen before supper and said, "Mom, I came to set the table."
I was thunderstruck. I said, "You came before I called you. I really appreciate that!" It seems the more I look for the best in him, the easier it is for him to be better.
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Showing a little real love not only encourages a person for the present, but gives them a brighter outlook on the future.
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WHICH IS YOUR CASE?
Once upon a time there were two seven- year-old boys named Bruce and David. They both had mothers who loved them very much.
Each boy's day began differently. The first thing Bruce heard when he awakened in the morning was, "Get up now, Bruce! You're going to be late for school again."
Bruce got up, dressed himself--except for his shoes--and came in for breakfast. Mother said, "Where are your shoes? Are you planning to go to school barefoot?...And look at what you're wearing! That blue sweater looks awful with that green shirt... Bruce, dear, what have you done to your pants? They're ripped. I want you to change them after breakfast. No child of mine is going to school with torn pants...Now watch how you pour your juice. Don't spill it the way you usually do!"
Bruce poured and spilled.
Mother was exasperated. As she mopped up the mess, she said, "I don't know what to do with you."
Bruce mumbled something to himself.
"What was that?" Mother asked. "There you go mumbling again."
Bruce finished his breakfast in silence. Then he changed his pants, put on his shoes, collected his books, and left for school. His mother called out, "Bruce, you forgot your lunch! If your head weren't screwed on to your shoulders, I bet you'd forget that too."
Bruce took his lunch and as he started out the door again, mother reminded him, "Now be sure to behave at school today."
David lived across the street. The first thing he heard in the morning was, "Seven o'clock, David. Do you want to get up now or take five more minutes?" David rolled over and yawned. "Five more minutes," he mumbled.
Later he came to breakfast dressed, except for his shoes. Mother said, "Hey, you're dressed already. All you have left to put on are your shoes!...Uh, oh--there's a rip in the seam of your pants. Looks as if the whole side could split. Shall I sew it on you while you stand up or would you rather change?" David thought a second and said, "I'll change after breakfast." Then he sat down at the table and poured his juice. He spilled some.
"The clean-up rag is in the sink," Mother called over her shoulder as she continued making his lunch. David got the rag and wiped up the spill. They talked for a while as David ate his breakfast. When he finished, he changed his pants, put on his shoes, collected his books and left for school--without his lunch.
Mother called after him, "David, your lunch!"
He ran back to get it and thanked her. As she handed it to him she said, "See you later!"
Both Bruce and David had the same teacher. During the day the teacher told the class, "Children, as you already know, we'll be putting on our Columbus Day play next week. We need a volunteer to paint a colorful welcome sign on our classroom door. We also need a volunteer to pour and serve the lemonade for our guests after the play. And finally, we need someone who will go around to the other third-grade classes and make a short speech inviting everyone to our play and telling them the time, day, and place."
Some of the children raised their hands immediately; some raised their hands tentatively; and some didn't raise their hands at all.
Our story stops here. That's all we know. About what happened afterwards, we can only guess. But it certainly does leave us with food for thought. Take a moment now to consider these questions and answer them for yourself.
1. Would David be likely to raise his hand to volunteer?
2. Would Bruce?
3. What is the relationship between how children think of themselves and their willingness to accept challenges or risk failure?
4. What is the relationship between how children think of themselves and the kind of goals they set for themselves?
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The World of tomorrow is what the mothers of today make it, according to the way they raise their children!
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