WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT FOR YOUR CHILDREN?--By Dr. Wayne W. Dyer


INTRODUCTION

         There are many provocative quotations about the raising of children, none of which has ever struck me with more force than the words of John Wilmot, the Earl of Rochester back in the 17th century. "Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children & no theories." Nothing renders us less "all-knowing" than having the responsibility of raising children on a daily basis. It is with these words in mind that I have written the following. I have no theories for you. I offer you my own common-sense applications, which have come from my experiences with children, from my contact with thousands of skillful parents, from being around children all my life & from my great love for them.
         As I wrote this I persistently kept my mind focused on being helpful & practical instead of theoretical. I want you to be able to apply today what you are reading in these pages. First, identify what it is that you may be doing in a given area of child rearing. Then look at your payoffs for continuing to treat your children this way. Finally, find out how to use new techniques that just might bring about your desired result.
         I had one single objective in mind when writing this book. How can I help you, regardless of your current situation now, to influence your children in a positive way, to raise them to become all that you want for them?
         In order to help bring about positive results with children--or with anyone, for that matter--you must repeat, repeat & repeat again. You must constantly reiterate something until it becomes a positive habit. When you think about it, that is precisely the way you learned self-defeating (bad) habits, by constant repetition.


WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING FOR YOUR CHILDREN?

The Ability To Enjoy Life

         After reviewing your objectives for your children & considering all the possibilities of things you might provide for them, it almost always boils down to this one wish: "I would love for my children to always have the ability to enjoy life."
         The fact is that most of us do not know how to go about helping children to learn how to enjoy life because we have not learned that simple secret ourselves. Learning how to enjoy life is an attitude.


Being a Sample

         Imagine going to your dentist & having him give you a lecture on the importance of oral hygiene, while all the time smiling at you through rotting front teeth. Or, visualise yourself talking to your doctor & having him tell you about the evils of nicotine addiction while blowing cigarette smoke in your face. Your initial reaction would be, "This person is a phony." The same kind of logic applies to the teaching of attitudes about life. If your goal is to assist children in developing an appreciation of life, & the ability to always enjoy life, then you must begin this task by first working on yourself & modeling this kind of an attitude in all of your interactions.
         There is no better answer to a child's negative attitude than a positive example. You can look up the answers in all the baby books ever written, but to a child who has no motivation, there is no better answer than a motivated person. The angry child is best answered by a calm person. The lackadaisical child is best encouraged by an enthusiastic person. While all of your attributes are not necessarily going to rub off on children, the best place to begin in the business of raising children to become all that they can become, is by doing the same yourself, & displaying this example wherever possible.
         As you think about providing a live example of a person who knows how to enjoy life, not only for your children's sake, but for your own as well, remind yourself about what really counts in life. Far too often we place an extreme value on learning rules, obtaining knowledge, achievement, acquisitions & external rewards, such as a career slot & the ability to make money. All too often we have modeled these as the most important values a person can possess, at the expense of the far more consequential qualities of simply being able to be happy.


What You Know vs. How You Feel

         Feelings, or emotions, are a significant side to our lives, yet we almost totally ignore them as we overemphasise the acquisition of knowledge in both our homes & our schools.
         Learning to manage our own emotions, to have self-confidence & self-esteem, to avoid being depressed, afraid, stressful, anxious, worried, jealous, shy & the like are primary skills that we should possess.
         The principal goal of parenting is teaching children to become their own parents.
         Always keep in mind that we have as much to learn from our children as we have to offer them.
         An ancient Chinese proverb goes like this:

If you think one year ahead--sow a seed.
If you think ten years ahead--plant a tree.
If you think a hundred years ahead--educate the people.

         John Ruskin wrote, "That country is the richest which nourishes the greatest number of noble & happy human beings." This is indeed a possibility: Educating the people & creating whole nations where the majority of the population are noble & happy humans beings. I can think of no greater legacy!


I WANT MY CHILDREN TO VALUE THEMSELVES

         Our beliefs about ourselves are the single most telling factors in determining our success & happiness in life. Your child's self-image is a direct result of the kind of reinforcements he or she receives from you on a daily basis. If you want to have fairly accurate predictable indicators of what kind of adults your children will turn out to be, ask yourself, "What do they think of themselves?"
         If you feel that your children lack self-worth or feel unattractive, stupid, incapable, or unhappy with themselves, there are some very positive steps that you can take to change their self-pictures to reflect a more worthwhile & positive image.
         The job of motivating your children to have greater aspirations in life is essentially the task of working on their self-pictures in all areas of their young lives. Any place where you find negativity, pessimism, or indifference about their own dreams or abilities, you have an assignment for self-portrait improvement to work on. Once you see a child's self-image begin to improve, you will see significant gains in achievement areas, but even more important, you will see a child who is beginning to enjoy life more.


Self-Worth

         If you see & treat your child as worthy, important & attractive, then your child will generally come to believe the same things about himself. The child learns to view himself as others around him view him. It is our responsibility to do all that we can to keep children from assessing themselves as worthless--ever! A child who comes to view himself as having no worth will live out these expectations in virtually everything he undertakes.
         Studies of human beings who have spent their lives as criminals, chronic underachievers, delinquents, drug addicts, or simply maladjusted people have, without exception, stressed that they all seem to reflect an inner attitude of "I'm really not worthwhile, no one ever thought of me that way, & I just don't think of myself as very important."


Self-Confidence

         All of us are more confident in some areas than in others, & certainly our children are not exceptions. Treating your child as if he already is what he can become is the greatest self-confidence booster there is. Instead of reminding a child of how little he has achieved, look at him & talk as if he were a great achiever. "You are one sensational basketball player!" instead of "You never make your jump shot because you don't practice enough." "You are really a mathematical genius waiting to flower," rather than "You've never been good at math--your father isn't, either." The important self-confidence builder here is in talking to your children as if they were already achieving their potential, & conveying to them that you believe in them, as opposed to being a parent who points out flaws & constantly reminds children that they are limited in their abilities.


How We Unintentionally Lower Self-Confidence in Our Children

         * Telling our children that they are bad boys or girls. Children who believe they are bad when they have only behaved badly, begin to assess their worth as a person based upon these judgments. A child who spills milk on the table & is told, "You're a bad boy--that's the fourth time this week you've been so clumsy," will soon internalise the sentence: "When I'm clumsy, I'm a bad person." The child's internal sense of self-worth is lowered, & with repeated messages that reflect his badness as a total person for mistakes or bad behaviour, he soon thinks of himself as unworthy.
         * Telling our children that they are good boys or girls only when they behave properly. With the constant reinforcement of statements like "You're a good boy--Mommy loves you when you pick up your clothes," the child soon internalises "I am only good as a person when I please Mommy & Daddy." The child who always hears that he is good when he behaves in appropriate ways, will have a lowered sense of self-worth whenever he fails to behave in the ways that his parents have dictated.
         * Constantly catching children doing something wrong. This approach to parenting says, "I will look for the things that my children are doing wrong & remind them about that behaviour all the time." Children who are only talked to or noticed when they are doing something wrong soon come to doubt themselves & believe that they are disliked.
         * Using pet names for children which contribute to a lowered sense of self-regard. Calling a child "shorty," "dumbo," "fatso," or any name which is not designed to promote positive self-regard is a way of creating a lowered sense of self-worth. These become daily reminders of how clumsy he or she is, or how incompetent, or unattractive, & while they may seem like meaningless little pet names to you, they actually are repetitive reinforcers to the child of apparent flaws. Negative words, phrases & nicknames are lasting mementos that we seldom erase from our own self-portraits.
         * Viewing children as "apprentice people" that have not really arrived yet as total human beings. "Someday you'll appreciate what I'm telling you." "You're too little to know why; just do it because I say so." This type of message conveys to a child that he isn't whole, that he is incomplete, & therefore he should view himself as only a partial person.
         * Constantly comparing a child to brothers & sisters, or to you when you were a child, or to other children, gives him a feeling of not being special & unique. If a child is treated like a piece of a puzzle, rather than as a whole unique special person, he will soon begin to assess himself in this way.
         * Refusing to give children responsibility. Doing & thinking for children will undermine their self-confidence. You will create opportunities for children to develop a lot of self-doubt by constantly sending messages showing that you do not think they can do things correctly, or that they should not try because you believe it is too difficult for them. Do not ignore the plea of the young child: "I can do it myself, Daddy." As self-doubt grows, the child begins to think of himself as unworthy of important tasks; consequently, the amount of confidence he has is reduced.
         * Criticising your children when they make mistakes. The more criticism a child receives, the more likely he is to avoid trying the things which he might get criticised for. Such sentences as "You've never been very good at athletics," "That's the third time you've missed practice--I guess you'll never learn to be responsible," "You look fat in that dress," or "You're always mumbling" are the tools that children use to carve out a poor self-image.
         * Speaking for your child, instead of allowing him or her to respond in the age-typical ways that a child will use. When you speak for them you send a silent message: "I can say it better & more accurately than you can; you're too young to really know how to express it, so doubt yourself & rely on me, your all-knowing omnipotent parent."
         * Your negative qualities can become your children's. The more you grumble around your children, they will incorporate the example that you provide for them. When you complain constantly around little people, you teach them to be self-complainers, murmurers & whiners.
         * Talking about your children in front of them as if they weren't there. "I don't know what we're going to do with Brian--he seems to get worse every day." "Sally just doesn't listen in school, & she's really no different here at home." Meanwhile Brian & Sally are receiving messages from their parents, which they internalise as "Gee, they act like I'm not even here & I don't count, the way they talk about me to others." The less regard you have for your child as a feeling, significant total human being, the less regard he will have for himself.
         * Keeping your distance from your children, & refusing to touch, kiss, hold, wrestle, or play with them. Children who are deprived of touching show severe signs of maladjustment, & the total lack of such loving contact can actually be fatal. Similarly, if you fail to tell your child "I love you," he will not have these important words turning over in his own mind to remind him that he is worth being loved. By shunning these three valuable words you encourage your child to wonder about his own worthiness as a loving, loved person.


Basic Principles for Building Self-Esteem in Your Children

         * If you want your child to respect himself, give him an example of a person who does the same, & never, never waiver from that position. You do not have to demand that a child respect you; instead, you demonstrate that you think of yourself in this way & therefore his disrespectful behaviour is simply not registering.
         * Treat each child as a unique individual. Respecting a child's uniqueness means more than simply avoiding comparisons. It means respecting him or her as total & complete now, & always being conscious of his unique attributes.
         * A child is not his actions. A child who fails is not a failure. You can teach your child to grow from mistakes & to never fear failure as long as he understands that his worth does not come from how well he performs a given task on a particular day. Always remind children, especially after they fail at something, that they are valuable regardless of their performance. If you want to hit home runs you must be willing to strike out. When you do strike out, as we all do on a regular basis, you are not a worthless person any more than you are a worthy person because you have hit a home run.
         * Provide opportunities to be responsible & make decisions. Children need to take on responsibilities, rather than have their parents do things for them. They learn confidence by doing, not by watching someone else do it for them. They need to feel important, to take risks, to try new adventures, & to know that you trust them, not so much to do something without error as to simply go out & give it an effort. Children who learn early to be decision-makers--to pick out their own clothes, to decide what to eat, to play with whomever they choose, to be responsible without endangering themselves--learn very early to like themselves & feel positive about who they are. They begin very early to trust themselves with the daily tasks that make them feel proud & worthwhile.
         * Teach enjoyment of life each day. Give them regular examples of "counting your blessings." Having to wash the dishes is a time to be grateful for having food to eat & dishes to wash. Fixing a flat tire is a time to appreciate having a car when you consider all the people in the World who do not have cars. A disappointment or a setback gives us new strengths & helps us to develop tools for handling problems.
         * Provide praise rather than criticism. Ask yourself: Do you grow when you are constantly criticised? In truth, we tend to stay the same when we are criticised; we want to defend what we have done. Behind virtually all criticism is the sentence, "If only you were more like me, & living life as I see it, you would be a lot better off." But no one, even your child, is exactly like you. Praise them for attempting a task, even if it was unsuccessful, & for taking risks. Let your children know that you are with them in their efforts, rather than looking to criticise them.
         * We become what we think about. Ralph Waldo Emerson, an American philosopher of the nineteenth century, said, "A person is what he or she thinks about all day long."
         What your children think about is shaped in a positive way by you, their most significant person. Do they approach a task believing that they can do it?--Or do they feel that they will fail before beginning? Do they have exciting pictures in their heads of what can be accomplished in life?


Strategies for Raising a Child's Self-Portrait

         * Encourage children to be risk-takers rather than always taking the safe road. Encourage them to do things they have never done before. Remind them frequently that failure is normal & that failing at a task is not equivalent to failure as a person. Encourage your child to swim a lap of the pool underwater & praise his effort, rather than telling him that it is too dangerous. Avoid saying, "Watch out--you might not make it." Instead, say, "Go ahead--try it!" Remember that all of their "Watch me, Mommy & Daddy!" behaviour, & the subsequent praise they are looking for, will help them to believe that they are courageous & worthy, & ultimately they will not require anyone to watch them in order to feel positive about themselves.
         * Discourage children from any & all self-put-downs. Whenever you hear them saying, "I can't do anything," "I'm lousy at spelling," "I'm just a klutz," "I'm ugly," "I'm too skinny," "I can't ride a two-wheeler," you are being given a clue to help raise their self-esteem. While it is not helpful to give a long lecture at such moments, you must always respond with positive reinforcement at these moments of self-repudiation. "You can do anything you put your mind to," "You can figure out that math if you work at it," "You'll do well on the test if you get some help with your spelling--come on, let's take a look at it." "Why not try it rather than think you can't do it." Use simple, direct, positive self-esteem statements that counteract the negative statements. After children have heard these things often enough, they will incorporate more positive statements. Whenever I hear someone in my family say, "I can't," I will also overhear another family member remind him or her that "Success comes in cans, not in cannots."--A simple little slogan, but a very effective one to get a child to try something, rather than resorting to lowered expectations of his own abilities.
         * Make an effort to reduce the emphasis on external measures of success. A child who grows up believing that he is worthwhile only if he gets good grades, will always feel inferior when an average grade appears on his report card. Ask, "Do you feel you did your best?" rather than "What did you get on your report card?" Ask, "Do you think you are improving in spelling?" rather than "Did you win the spelling bee?" Ask, "Did you feel excited about playing in the game & improving your skills?" rather than "Did you win?"
         * Work at reducing complaining & whining behaviour in a child. Practice greeting any complaints or whining with new statements & new behaviours. If you hear such typical whines as "I hate going to Grandma's," "Mommy, Billy made a face at me," "Are we having hamburger again?" or "I hate doing the dishes," you can respond with new tactics that will help your children to become more positive about life as well as about themselves. "We're going to have a good time at Grandma's--let's plan a game to play there." "Why should you pay attention to Billy's face?" "Hamburger is terrific, but tonight we are calling it minced steak la maison." "Doing dishes is your responsibility. All of us have things to do that we'd rather not, but you can make it fun."
         Teach children that you will not reward annoying behaviour with attention. A whiner is disapproving of everything. By being positive, but not reinforcing whining & by ignoring complaints when they are persistent, you will help children to deal effectively with their world, rather than complaining about it.
         * Always focus your criticism on a child's behaviour instead of his value as a human being. The simple statement "You are a bad boy!" is an attack on a child's worth. The effective statement "You have behaved badly" puts the focus on behaviour which can be adjusted. Try to show your disapproval with children's behaviour when they do things for which they need to be corrected. "You're stupid" & "You're lazy" are statements designed to lower a child's self-esteem. Simple statements which place the emphasis on the ineffective behaviour would be, "You've behaved in a foolish way," "You're acting lazy today" etc.
         * Teach children to be nonjudgmental. When you see children beginning to form opinions about everyone & everything without the benefit of any knowledge or study, encourage them to become more open & inquisitive.
         * Encourage children to be honest with themselves. The self-deceptive child invents a whole world in order to fool others. Encourage honesty with statements such as "You got a D in spelling because you haven't mastered spelling yet, not because the teacher is bad. I really think you'll need to spend more time on spelling & less time on blaming." Or "You are terrific even if you are late for school, but it is still your responsibility to be on time, & it is not the fault of the alarm clock."
         * Be aware of the importance of appearance to young people. Work constructively together at a self-improvement program for children that will aid them in becoming as attractive & healthy as is possible. Refuse to buy junk food & sugar products. Show them by your example & behaviour that you want them to think of themselves as attractive & healthy.
         * Catch children doing something right. Eliminate trapping them by asking leading questions which encourage them to lie, especially when you know something they do not know you know. A mother of my acquaintance inadvertently saw her daughter taking a cab to school one morning after the mother had specifically told her to avoid wasting money this way. All day she planned how to "trap" her, & when the teenager arrived home from school, the mother asked, "So how did you get to school this morning?" Immediately the girl was placed in a position of either lying or being admonished. Instead, the mother might have tried, "I saw you get into a taxi this morning, after we both agreed that this was a wasteful use of money, especially since we are all short of cash this month. Was there some particular reason you had to break our agreement?" This kind of an exchange encourages honesty, & allows the child to state her case without being forced to lie or feel terrible. After this kind of an exchange, look for your daughter to be doing something right. "Mary, you're terrific--I'm really happy that you're cleaning up the kitchen. Thanks so much for helping out."
         Be honest with them, give them an opportunity to be honest easily.
         * Hold them, touch them, kiss them, be physical with them. A woman once told me that it just wasn't natural for her to be kissy & touchy with her children, & she asked me what to do. She was shocked at my answer. "Fake it!" I told her. "Touch them anyway. Even if it is unnatural for you now, you will grow to love it yourself."
         Tell them that you love them every day. And even more important, show them that they are lovable by grabbing them, hugging them, kissing them & demonstrating that they are really terrific.
         * If you want them to feel attractive, beautiful, competent & healthy, then show them a person who lives that way. Children are proud of having attractive parents. It gives them an image that they can adopt for themselves. If you are fat, smoke, drink & generally allow yourself to be run-down, you are contributing to your children's diminished self-concepts.
         * Listen carefully to your children, even if you only give them a few moments a day. Ask about their school, their friends, their activities, each day. For the very young ones, hear their stories. They will know that they are significant people just because you listen.
         * Be involved in their age-related activities. Convey to children that you enjoy watching them in their activities--not as a snoop, but because you get excited about their interests.
         * Encourage them to have their friends frequent your home.
         * Read aloud with them at all ages. Share your favourite stories with them, tell them about what happened to you when you were a child, tell them how wonderful they were as babies.
         * Be supportive of their efforts to be independent, rather than viewing their independence as a threat to your superiority. Encourage them to do things for themselves, to choose their own meals in a restaurant, to decorate their own rooms etc.
         They must learn to budget their money, select well-made clothes, cook & clean, take care of their own belongings, schedule their time for work & leisure, be courteous with thank-you notes & gifts to others, eat a balanced diet, get sufficient sleep, & so on.
         * Help your children to develop positive self-pictures in their heads. Children who are unable to imagine themselves doing things like getting up in front of the class & giving an excellent book report, or cooking a meal, will not persevere to accomplish these goals.
         When children talk in negative "I can't do it" terms, think first of a positive picture, & then ask them to practice that picture over & over again. If their minds can conceive it, they can make it a reality.
         * Teach children to avoid self-destructive/self-talk. I constantly remind my children about not saying things that are predictions of a negative outcome. Here is an example:

         Mother: We're all going to the beach for a picnic.
         Sally: The last time we went I was miserable. We got sand in everything, & there was no place to get a drink.
         Mother: I had a great time. This time we'll take some drinks with us & all have a lot of fun.
         Sally: I know I'll have to watch the baby again. I won't have any fun at all.
         Mother: We'll all watch the baby. She has such fun playing in the sand, I'm sure you'll have a good time if you give it a try. Try thinking about the fun part.

         While Sally may or may not cease her verbal complaining, she will soon get the message that Mother is expecting to have a great time & that she is thinking positively about the afternoon at the beach. Sally's negative thinking has always produced some attention from Mama in the past, usually something that will keep the focus on Sally at the expense of everyone having to listen to her negative predictions & angry outbursts. Positive self-talk will become a habit with Sally if her mother is persistent & refuses to be baited by Sally's attempts to get attention by sabotaging everyone else's good time.
         A child's self-image is an important factor in his or her happiness or fulfillment. The child who sees himself as a successful, attractive person, & who has this image reinforced throughout his young life, will not disappoint himself. Henry Ford summed it up this way: "Whether you think you will succeed or not, you are right!"


I WANT MY CHILDREN TO BE RISK-TAKERS

         Everything will always be changing. This is a prediction I can make with absolute certainty. The child who grows up to accept change as a way of life, to welcome change as part of being a highly functioning person, is on the road to a wonderfully fulfilling life.

Becoming Sensible About Failure

         We learn very little by success. Success tends to make us comfortable & complacent. A reversal on the old saying would be "Nothing fails like success."
         In 1927, Babe Ruth hit sixty home runs, more than anyone in the history of baseball. He also set another record that year: He struck out more than anyone in the history of baseball. The truth is, if you want to hit home runs, you must be willing to strike out. There is no way around this simple lesson of life. If you want your children to experience the exhilaration of success, then you must encourage them to learn how to fail--& in fact, to fail a lot.
         It is this insight about failure that leads virtually all great innovators to pursue their work with a kind of obsession. Thomas Edison, who dabbled in the unknown almost all his life, was inspired to say, "Show me a thoroughly satisfied man & I will show you a failure."
         The successful person is not one who never fails; instead, he is a person who dusts himself off after falling, & learns what obstacles to avoid in the road. The person who shuns failure will lie in the road & whine or, even worse, stay off the road in the first place, content to take a safe, well-known course throughout life, avoiding failure & personal fulfillment at the same time.
         Young people who are afraid of failing are usually obsessed with achievement. They tend to evaluate their personal worth & success in terms of external achievement. Consequently, children begin very early to believe it is important to acquire gold stars in everything they do. Winning the games becomes more important than being physically fit & athletically skilled.
         When a reporter asked Thomas Edison how it felt to have failed 25,000 times in his effort to create a simple storage battery, his reply was, "I don't know why you are calling it a failure. Today I know 25,000 ways not to make a battery. What do you know?"
         If we train our children to go after achievement & ignore inner satisfaction, then we are teaching them to take the easy path, to be more concerned about the opinions & rewards bestowed upon us by others, & consequently to avoid any hint of failing. William Jones, the psychologist & philosopher, said, "The exclusive worship of success is our national disease."

Risk-Taking

         Our concept of security in contemporary America too often masquerades as money, a home, a job, a diploma, or a protective spouse with these attributes. Such external security is a myth.
         There is a different kind of security, inner security, the sense of faith in oneself to be able to handle any circumstance.
         Risk-taking should not involve a life-or-death decision or doing foolishly dangerous things. It involves following one's own convictions & not becoming one of the crowd. The opposite of courage is not so much fear as it is conformity.
         I have always encouraged my oldest daughter, Tracy, from the earliest years of her life right through her teens to not be afraid to take risks or face change. Here are a few examples.

Tracy at eight years of age:
         Tracy: I'm afraid to move into that new neighbourhood. All my friends are here. What if I don't like it, or what if I don't make any new friends?
         Daddy: Have you ever had trouble making friends before?
         Tracy: No, but this is a whole new city we're moving to.
         Daddy: Why do you suppose you're so good at making friends?
         Tracy: I guess it's because I've always just done it without worrying about it.
         Daddy: Exactly. You make friends because you must take a little risk to meet someone new, & you do it. And when we get to the new city, you'll probably do the same thing again.

         I always encouraged Tracy to take risks as a teenager. When she contemplated running for class vice-president she seemed nervous. I talked to her about the worst thing that could possibly happen to her if she ran & lost. As she thought about it, she said, "I guess the worst thing that could happen is that I wouldn't be vice-president. Since I'm already not vice-president now, & I'm all right, I guess I'll give it a shot." She ran for vice-president & lost, but when I talked to her about it, she was in good spirits.

Creative Imagination

         You can help children to become much more effective at dealing with the fear of the unknown, the fear of failing, & the fear of taking risks by encouraging them to talk about all of the possibilities that might come about as a result of a change.
         For example, Larry is going from a middle school to a high school & will be entering foreign territory for the very first time. If you ask him to imagine what it will be like, you will likely hear a combination of awful & very positive thoughts. When Larry was asked to do just this, he gave some of the following images (I have included positive reinforcers for the parent as well):

         Larry: I could get lost--the place is so huge.
         Parent: Picture yourself finding your way or asking someone for directions, just like I do when I can't find an address while driving.
         Larry: I may not have enough time to get around between classes.
         Parent: How about going through a trial run before classes start?
         Larry: I won't know anybody in the school.
         Parent: Imagine yourself with lots of friends around you & maybe you can make it happen.
         Larry: I won't be treated like a little baby any more, that's for sure.
         Parent: You can just see yourself as a person finally in charge of himself all day instead of standing in line & being told what to do every minute. It must feel great.
         Larry: I can even pick my courses.
         Parent: You are going to be making a lot of important decisions for yourself in high school.

         Allowing Larry to think positively with a creative imagination, while all the time giving him a positive reinforcement, will help him to change his attitude.
         William Blake wrote, "Man's desires are limited by his perceptions; none can desire what he has not perceived." Children must first perceive something about a change of any kind, & their desires are indeed limited by what they picture for themselves.


Ideas for Encouraging Children to Seek Out, Rather than Fear, the Unknown

         In today's World it is absolutely necessary to warn your children of the real dangers which exist, & to have them behave in strictly cautious ways when it comes to getting into cars with strangers, not swimming without a partner, not walking the streets after dark, & so on.
         But as they begin to grow, they must be encouraged to distinguish perilous situations for themselves.
         * Encourage children to try new foods. Take them to a restaurant that specialises in foreign dishes. Life is far more enjoyable to those who can eat virtually anything & are willing to try something that they have never experienced before.
         * Encourage infants to become explorers right from the very beginning. How many times I have heard parents say absurd things, such as "Eat this now--don't you think I know when you are hungry?" or "Wear this coat outside--don't you think I know when you are cold?" Teach them from the beginning that they can explore their own tiny life space without constant interruption from a big person rescuing them & teaching them to give up almost before they even start walking.
         * Teach them, by example & by regular positive reinforcement, that one need never be a slave to a current fad or fashion. When they absolutely "must" have the current popular blue jeans, ask them why they really want them: Because they will look attractive wearing them, or because they simply want to be "in" or "cool"?
         * When children have disputes, let them know that you are aware that there are two sides. Spinoza once said, "No matter how thin you slice it, there will always be two sides." Encourage them to ask "Why?" Do not berate them for questioning established practices, & do not tell them to do a thing just because everyone else does it.
         * Young people should be protected from fearful & scary stories. It is as frightening for a two-year-old to fear monsters as it is for you to hear strange noises in the woods on a dark evening.
         Be positive & hopeful: "No one is going to get you. You're a big boy/girl--come on, we'll go back there & look together." Often fears are learned from bigger brothers & sisters, or from scary movies, or from the news.
         * Positively reinforce any dreams or goals that children have, regardless of how impossible they might sound to you. The young man who tells you he wants to become a doctor, but has a string of D's & C's on his report card, does not need a realistic lecture on not aiming too high. Instead, support him with words such as "Go for it," or "I'm sure if you put your mind to it, you could accomplish anything you really want." Even if you are absolutely positive that a child is not going to reach his goals of becoming, say, an astronaut--perhaps because of height, or aptitude in science, or whatever--never, but never, discourage him from aiming high. The worst that could happen is that he would reevaluate his objectives as he encounters some difficulties. However, he might surprise you someday. I cannot tell you how many English teachers I have had through my educational career who told me that I would never be able to write for the public unless I drastically changed my style. But the more I found myself writing in my own common sense style, the more I found that my teachers were wrong.
         Children need to know that the words "It's impossible" are not a part of your vocabulary, & that you are supportive of their dreams regardless of how absurd they might sound to you at the moment. Imagine how Mr. & Mrs. Wright must have felt when Wilbur & Orville told them about wanting to fly, or Edison's parents when he dreamed of lighting the World without flames. How about Henry Ford's parents when he idealised about motorised cars replacing horses? Let them dream; encourage the goals to be high & farfetched. Do not take the wind out of their sails. Encourage them to talk more to you about what they might do & explore how it could be accomplished.
         * Encourage children of all ages to try the more difficult road now & then. Give them praise for trying hard things, such as swimming underwater across the pool, or climbing a tree.
         * Keep in mind that the business of parenting is to teach children to become their own parents. The more areas in which you can sensibly allow your children to take responsibility, the more they will become familiar with that unknown territory called independent thinking. If they mishandle opportunities to take some personal responsibility, then of course you can withdraw these privileges.
         * Do not become so involved in your children's lives that you become a burden to them as they grow up.
         * Create an open environment within your family. Be open to discuss about everything & anything. Make it okay to discuss any component of sex. Show them that you do not treat their young views as inferior simply because they have not lived as long as you have.
         * Make an agreement with your children that you will not usually correct them in public, & that you expect comparable treatment yourself. No one enjoys being corrected in public. The parent who constantly corrects a child's grammar, who reminds him constantly of factual errors, is creating tension as well as resentment & anger. A person who is always being monitored & who knows that a reprimand is about to be delivered soon loses respect for the person doing the reprimanding.
         * Be a reinforcer of positive rather than negative behaviour. Suspicious, fearful children who know that they are expected to do something wrong will not disappoint you for very long. They will do those things that get your attention. Goethe wrote, "Treat people as they are, & they remain that way. Treat them as though they were what they can be, & we help them become what they are capable of becoming."


I WANT MY CHILDREN TO BE SELF-RELIANT

         One of the most important lessons for children to learn is the necessity of taking responsibility for the inner development. If they fail to learn this, they will become blaming, complaining, whining, approval-seeking individuals who do not believe that they have the capacity to make choices.
         Blaming is a way of life for many people in our culture & it is particularly contagious among children who have been around those adults who are faultfinders.


How Blame Works

         Most children love to blame someone else for the problems in life largely because they have been taught that accepting self-responsibility is going to have a negative result with their parents. When you notice children using typical blame sentences like "It's not my fault," "I can't do anything about it," "My teacher flunked me," or "Jimmy made me do it," you must examine your own previous attitudes. Have you punished them in the past when they acknowledged responsibility for a behaviour?
         The child who spills milk as two-year-old, & receives a response of anger & frustration, believes that he is a disappointment & interprets the anger & frustration as rejection. Consequently, he will look for an excuse to avoid that kind of reproach, since children want to be loved. A healthy reaction to a glass of spilt milk is simple, "That's okay--we all spill things sometimes. I know you did not do it on purpose. Let's get it cleaned up." Then follow up with a hug & a big kiss. The child who receives a glare, or a slap, or criticism for his clumsiness in front of others, learns that he must avoid responsibility for the mistake.
         "Billy did it; I was just sitting here," "The glass was slippery; it wasn't my fault," "Mary was pinching me" are some of the creative excuses he will haul out of his rapidly forming blame arsenal. The fact is that the milk spilt. Period. No amount of anger or lecturing is going to unspill it. More important, the child was responsible for spilling it. Even if he tried to abdicate that responsibility, he still spilled the milk in reality. What you want to do is help him say, "I spilled it. I didn't mean to do it." No blame is necessary in this environment of simply expressing truth & getting on with life. Even if the spill was intentional to gain attention, the child can be given a sponge or paper towel to clean up the mess for which she is responsible. This example may not sound significant, but after a few hundred times the child whose actions meet with angry outbursts will blame someone else for them & will become a person who is always looking outside himself to explain why things did not work out. This child develops into the person with excuses similar to the following: When he does poorly on an examination in school, "The teacher was unfair--she tested us on material we didn't read. She gave me a failing grade." The young person who learns to blame others for even the most insignificant things, is always looking for someone else to blame so that he can appear innocent.
         Teach children at all stages of their development that most of the things that happen to them in their lives are generally in their own hands, & that everything they feel inside is entirely in their control. In the examples above, the young boy who is growing into a man & blaming everyone else for his failures could be something quite different. He could have been taught from the beginning that there is nothing wrong with saying, "I did it; it's my fault. I'll work on not doing it any more." He could have learned that self-responsibility is one of the greatest assets that a person can acquire, since it keeps you in charge of your life; rather than letting others have control.
         Children who blame teachers for academic difficulties are giving that teacher permission to control their lives. Similarly, when they encounter difficulties with love & friendship & are depressed for long periods of time over a lover's or friend's behaviour, they have given up the control of their lives.
         You are doing them a favour when you encourage them to acknowledge, to admit their mistakes, to be unafraid of contrary opinions. Help them to be responsible people by loving them for their errors, telling them that it is okay to make mistakes, & letting them know that they are loved even if they do get jelly on the carpet, or fail a biology course, or wet the bed, or anything else that they do as human beings.
         You are showing them how much you love them when you talk to them about not blaming a sister for their mistakes, or not trying to take the focus off themselves when they are obviously the one who is responsible for burning the pan. People burn pans in life. It happens. The more a child learns to say, "Okay, I'm careless. I'll replace it if I can save up the money. I did it & I'm sorry," the stronger he will be. When you can also say, "You are much better off for admitting it. It's not the end of the World because you burned a pan"--rewarding them verbally for honesty, rather than punishing them--you are encouraging them to be honest, & are reinforcing inner strength. A lifetime of fearing responsibility produces a person who blames everyone for everything in his or her life.
         Ultimately such people become adults who blame the economy for their lack of fortune, the stock market for their lack of fiscal security, the anxiety attack for their own anxious thinking, employers for their inability to keep a job, bad luck for their illnesses, in a never-ending array of excuses that create a self-deception as a way of life.


They are Always Making Choices

         Virtually everything in life is a choice. Even if children have learned to blame others for their problems, they are still making choices.
         When a child tells you that a friend hurt her feelings, be sympathetic, & teach her to be truthful with herself. "I know you are hurt right now because of what Karen said, but don't you think you are making her opinion of you more important than your own opinion of yourself?" This kind of response puts the focus where it belongs: On the child who is choosing to be upset because of what Karen has said. Karen didn't make her upset. You must know & recognise this. There was a choice made to be upset. Do not deliver a lecture, but do interact from the perspective of a person who knows that no one else has the power to upset another person, & help your child to see that how she is thinking at this moment is a choice.
         Children will not like the emphasis on choice making at first because it takes away their ability to blame others for their own problems.


Choosing Inner Rather than Outer Direction

         Two-year-olds know how to feed themselves. They know when they are tired, when they want to sit quietly, or when they want to play with the older children.
         The growing toddler has thousands of opportunities every day to make choices. Effective discipline involves placing reasonable limits on children at their various ages of development, but only for the safety & welfare of the child, not to show who is boss. Ultimately, the goal of discipline is to create children who become self-disciplined persons with inner controls. You do not want children always looking to you, or any other authority figure, for discipline. Your objective is to have them learn to discipline themselves without ever having to consult anyone else. As I sit here at this typewriter in this very moment, I am exercising a great deal of self-discipline. I would love to be outside on the beach, swimming, playing tennis, laughing with my children, or making love with my wife, but I am sitting here facing this typewriter. Imagine if I had to still rely on someone to say to me, "Wayne, you have to sit down & write this afternoon, & I will not let you out of your room until you do." Silly, of course, but an example of precisely what I am discussing.
         We must have the discipline to make ourselves do the things that bring a sense of purpose & meaning to our lives. We cannot rely on anyone else to do it for us. This is your goal in disciplining youngsters.
         Outer-directed people tend to develop external habits in their lifetimes. Children who learn to blame others for their emotional downs will look to something equally outside themselves to alleviate their problems, such as drugs & alcohol. Naturally, if you believe that something outside yourself made you down, you will reach for something outside yourself to get back up.
         The problems with becoming an externally directed person is that opinions of other people become literal shackles that keep the young person a prisoner of those opinions.


Curbing Their Need for Approval

         Young people need to learn very early, & have it positively reinforced every day, that peer-group approval is something that comes & goes depending upon what group you are in, what you are wearing, the opinions of other contemporaries elsewhere, & on & on.
         Suppose your teenage daughter seeks your advice on how to be liked by the "in crowd." You could say, "Lisa, there will be many times when others will disapprove of you. I know you are feeling hurt, but maybe it's more important for you to be Lisa than to be something that they want just so they will approve of you. Are you happy with you? Because that's all you really have, you know--& that's a lot. In fact, it's everything." You can also suggest that she evaluate her peers' data to see if there is any worthwhile message in it about her behaviour, not about her worth.
         The process of teaching children not to need the approval of others can begin very early. When they whine about someone calling them names, rather than just chastising the name-caller, respond to them with "Even if he does think that you are stupid, does that mean you are?" Get them to see from the earliest moments of their lives that being called a name, or being thought of as stupid, is only hurtful if you believe it. Teach them to ignore those kinds of taunts.
         People only call others names if it succeeds in getting them upset. Who wants to hurl abuse at someone who is not paying attention?
         Always be sympathetic to what a child is experiencing inside, but don't let them blame others or conditions for their troubles.
         For example: "I see that you are depressed over the things that some of the kids said about you. Do you think that maybe they said those things to get you to react just like this?"


How to Help Children Be Nonblamers

         * Eliminate excuses & cop-outs. Begin to insert the words "You chose it" or "It was something that you brought on yourself." Instead of saying, "Your teacher is making you upset," say instead, "You make yourself upset over what your teacher said."
         With your very young children, do not say, even kiddingly, "Let's hit that bad chair for giving you a bonk." Instead, remind them that the chair was just doing what it was supposed to be doing--that is, sitting wherever it was left. "I guess you will have to watch out for that chair next time" puts the responsibility where it belongs--on the person who got the bruise, not the inanimate object he ran into.
         * Eliminate the "who's at fault" syndrome in your home, & insert a "let's find a solution" pattern.
         When Jennifer complained to her mother about the fact that one of her brothers was messing up her room & breaking her dolls, the mother took a nonblaming approach. Instead of looking to find who was at fault & creating a scene, she asked Jennifer, "What is the solution to putting an end to this kind of thing?" Jennifer also brought up the subject at the dinner table in a nonblaming, nonfaultfinding request. "I really don't care who has been breaking my dolls," she said, "But I would like everyone to stay out of my room. I promise not to go into anyone else's room without permission, & I'd like everybody to ask me, too." Then she asked each person for a verbal agreement & got it. Her mother had helped her to devise a solution, rather than to simply blame her brothers & then have the behaviour she disliked so much continue.
         Instead of having family fights about what the little children do to the bigger children, & vice versa, teach them to think in solution-oriented ways & you will be teaching them a valuable lesson.
         * Eliminate the inclination of children to become tattletales by removing yourself from the source of their behaviour. When you listen to the tattling, you are saying, "Mommy will take care of things for you. I know you can't do it, so just come tattling to Mommy whenever you see something that I should know about."
         At the swimming pool, I have seen parents having their vacation time wasted away with a constant barrage of "Harold splashed me, Mommy!" "Michael pushed me under the water!" "Sammy was running & you said no running." "Mary stuck her tongue out at the lifeguard." "Theresa pulled Mikey's bathing suit down." The little tattletales are gaining attention by attempting to ruin Mommy's time at the pool. The unconscious message to the children is that Mommy isn't really entitled to relaxation time. She has taught all of the children that her time is unimportant & that her role in life is to monitor the age-typical teasings of young children & then to rescue them from their own normal selves by enlisting the aid of a few tiny spies in her life quest to be a rattled mother.
         The best response to tattletales is an honest statement about how you feel about tattletales. "I am not interested in having you tattle on others. If you get splashed, figure out your own response to it. If Theresa pulled down Mikey's bathing suit, turn your head if you do not want to see Mikey naked." A few statements which tell children that they are going to have to learn how to play together without constant adult attention, will encourage them to become masters of their own worlds, rather than spies & informants.
         Obviously, a child who is actually hurting a baby or throwing things at his sister must be reported. However, most tattling does not fall into this category. Usually it is a ploy to get the attention of the adult.
         * Teach children that the "truth" is something that you respect, & that blaming & lying are not going to be rewarded. A child learns very early whether he will be accepted & loved when he owns up to his mistakes.
         Giving a hug & a kiss after disciplining may sound like sending confusing messages, but it is not. Children need to know that you love them even when they behave badly. A hug, kiss, but a firm reminder that certain behaviour is intolerable, teaches a child that owning up to the truth is the most effective teacher of all. Bear no grudge, have no anger, give no silent treatment. This applies to children of all ages. Let them know that we all make mistakes, but do not allow them to blame others & get away with it.
         * Accept the fact that you are precisely where you have chosen to be in life. Stop blaming your spouse for you unhappiness, your parents for your lack of motivation, your childhood for your phobias etc. Forgive & make peace with your past, & provide your children with an example of a person who blames no one.
         * It is important to help children to realise that their attitudes have a great deal to do with how much sickness they have in their lives. With your very young children, try to avoid a "going to the doctor" mentality for every little ailment in life.
         * Stop making references to children which encourage them to believe that they inherited their negative personality traits or lack of talents. "You are failing in mathematics because you have given up on yourself in this subject area. You have not chosen to seek out additional help, & you spend no time studying, but most important, you really believe that you cannot do mathematics problems. Once someone believes she cannot succeed at something, she will do everything she can to prove herself right. What do you think we can do now to improve your mathematics?"
         * Be as helpful as you can in assisting your children to help themselves. Continually rescuing them from their self-defeating behaviour may make you feel a bit relieved temporarily, but eventually your children will pay the price for your soft heart. I can remember my mother forcing me to go back to a grocery store owner in the neighbourhood & return a squirt gun that I had stolen as a ten-year-old. I was as scared as I could be. I begged her to let me off this one time, but she was unrelenting. "Stealing is immoral," she informed me, "& you are going to face up to what you have done." I went to the market, returned the stolen squirt gun, faced the music by having to work bagging groceries for free, & never again in my life even considered stealing anything. This is true for homework, fights with other children, irresponsible schoolwork, & anything else at any & all ages. Help them to help themselves.
         * Do not provide children with an example of a person who must always be right, a person who can never admit he has made a mistake, or a person who never changes his mind even when he is confronted with the absurdity or error of the position he has taken. Always having to be right means never admitting to ignorance of something. Teach your children to simply say, "I don't know," or "I'll look it up." A child who cannot say, "I don't know," begins to exaggerate or lie when asked any question.
         * When children experience hurt feelings, or are feeling badly because of the opinions of others, show them that they have made a choice to be upset.

         Mother: You look upset, David. Is there anything wrong?
         David: Mike & Allen made me feel bad.
         Mother: How did they do that?
         David: They were laughing at me because in the baseball game I struck out with two men on base.
         Mother: Are you upset because you struck out, or because the other boys were laughing at you?
         David: Everybody strikes out in a game. I just feel stupid because they were making fun of the way I swung the bat.
         Mother: Suppose they had laughed at the way you swung the bat, but you didn't know that they had laughed. Would you still be upset?
         David: Of course not. How could I be upset about something I didn't know about?
         Mother: It's impossible, of course. I guess it really wasn't Mike & Allen's laughing that upset you, so much as that you told yourself about the laughing.
         David: I guess I didn't really have to pay any attention to their laughing in the first place.
         Mother: You always have a choice, David. No one else can make you upset unless you allow it, & in this case you let their laughter get the best of you.

         It is only when you learn about the opinions of others, & then make those opinions more important than your own, that you find yourself upset.
         * Teach children to enjoy life, & to forget about what everyone else is thinking & doing. Children are extremely vulnerable to this kind of external approval-seeking thinking. Buying something simply because everyone else is wearing that label is the kind of approval seeking that teaches them to consult with others rather than themselves in their dress. When they ask, "How does this look on me?" respond with your honest opinion, but always ask, "What do you think of the way it looks on you?"
         * Demonstrate to children that integrity has greater value than taking the easy route & pleasing others. Telling a child, "Just do what you're told & forget about always challenging the rules & regulations. After all, no one else is complaining," is really asking that child to ignore his or her own integrity. Help children to figure out ways to challenge & change rules & policies that conflict with their inner beliefs without belittling them.
         * Examine your approach to discipline. If you are waiting on them hand & foot, & they are showing disrespect, you must alter your behaviour toward them. I can remember hearing "I forgot" for what seemed like a thousand times from my daughter. Then one day when "I forgot" to pick her up at the mall & she had to walk home in the 95-degree heat, she got the message.
         Virtually all teenagers go through a two- or three-year period wherein they talk in a nasty manner to their parents (particularly their mothers) & show signs of disrespect. While I do not condone such behaviour, nor do I believe that you must simply put up with it because they are going through a phase, I also think it is important for you to understand the source of it. A teenager is generally most disrespectful around people he knows he can trust. This may sound contradictory, but nevertheless it is true. A teenager knows that his mother is going to love him regardless of how he behaves. He knows that mom, despite being hurt, will still love him. Mom then becomes the safe person on whom to try out some of his own self-doubts & angry feelings. You must understand that it is quite normal to the developing adolescent who feels like an adult trapped in a child's body. Whatever you do, do not think that it is a sign that you have failed as a parent.
         Teach children that they have choices to make, to consult their own convictions, rather than to try to please everybody else & live their lives as approval seekers, as blamers rather than responsible doers.


I WANT MY CHILDREN TO BE FREE FROM STRESS & ANXIETY

No More Guilt

         Guilt means feeling bad about something said or done in the past. To the extent that it is a tool to motivate improved behaviour, learning from the past serves a useful purpose. But guilt is not learning from the past. Whatever an adult's intentions may be in reinforcing feelings of guilt in children, its negative manifestations--sleeplessness, fear, introversion, shame, loss of self-esteem, & lack of initiative--are all too often the reaction. (Editor: Unless, of course, you are helping them realise the seriousness of their sins. But then pray with them & help them accept the Lord's forgiveness.)
         The adolescent boy who is warned, "Someday you will pay for the way you are treating me," when he is making some normal choices to become independent, is being taught to experience inner doubt & anxiety over his own choices.
         Children become experts at doing the same to their parents. Guilt is a weapon of the weak. It is used exclusively as a manipulator. If you use guilt on children on a regular basis, it will not be long before they start using it on you. "Thanks a lot, Mom, for forgetting to buy some lunch meat for me. I guess you really don't care about me." "I never get to go anywhere, but Danny gets to do everything. I guess you've always liked him better." "You never think of me. It's always you & Dad who get everything." "I only got seven presents, & everybody else got eight. I knew you liked them better." "I must be adopted--I know my real parents would never treat me this way." These kinds of guilt-producing sentiments flow commonly from children who have grown up with guilt.


Farewell to Worry

         Worry is a means of using up the present moment in being consumed about something in the future, over which you have no control. The worrying child is one who is consumed with fears about his performance in life. Worriers are children who are told that they must be perfect, please their parents, win at everything they do, & be judged by reputation instead of character. The worrier is often pushed to be perfectionistic, is afraid of failing, & believes that life is not to be enjoyed, but instead must be analysed, studied & compartmentalised.
         Worry is a habit. Constantly worrying in front of children gives them a negative example to follow. Continuous worried talk about bills, war, getting old, the weather, the tidiness of your home, personal appearance, & on & on will teach them exactly how to become effective worriers. Stop all anguishing in front of children.
         Worry also takes the form of complaining. There is an old saying by Mark Twain that I have used many times in working with worriers: "I'm an old man, & I've had many troubles, most of which have never happened." Worry keeps you so occupied that you cannot get anything done, & even if you do manage to sneak in some work between worry sessions, you cannot enjoy it.


No More "Type A" Children

         The following characteristics describe the "Type A" person:
         1. Intense striving. Such children do extra-credit reports all the time, & are meticulous about every detail of their young lives. They cannot relax without feeling guilty. Do not place such an overemphasis on achievement, awards & winning. The results are manifested in young children by speech problems like stammering & stuttering, withdrawal & an inability to act like children.
         Children of all ages need to laugh, play, enjoy & stop striving all the time. Watch their natural ability to enjoy life rather than asking them to join you in the rat race.
         2. Competitiveness. Overly competitive persons are always looking at the performance of others to determine their own worth.
         3. Impatience. Examples of this behaviour include eagerness to get ahead of the car in front of you, rushing through meals, expressing irritation in lines of people, becoming impatient with those who do not move quickly (such as elderly people & young children), interrupting the conversation of others in order to speak, & inability to listen without talking.
         Teach children that a person in a hurry is not relaxed & that one rarely completes any task efficiently when there is pressure to be first, best & fastest. People who are ultimate achievers are, ironically, the people who are most relaxed at the task. Fred Astaire made dancing look easy. Bing Crosby was relaxed as he crooned away. The Olympic gymnasts appear relaxed & make it look fun.
         4. Excessive Organisation. I believe that dull people have immaculate homes. The purpose of life is to enjoy it, rather than to get everything labeled & categorised. Help children to be neat & organised to the point where the organisation serves them & their needs, rather than to where they become a servant of the organisation. Do not let life pass by the children within your sphere of influence, & by all means do not let life beat them down by teaching them to count the stars, rather than seeing & appreciating the universe.


How Do We Recognise Children Who Suffer from Stress?

         They often are afraid to be spontaneous & find it difficult to give love because they feel unworthy, yet compulsive about doing their duty. They can be clinging children who are constantly seeking reassurance & always trying to make amends. Anxious children can develop headaches, sweating, stomach disorders & excessive vulnerability to allergies, colds, flu & asthmatic conditions as well.
         They lack a sense of humour & willingness to experiment in life. They often complain that it is too hot, too cold, too windy, or too something else for them to be satisfied. They become insensitive & find it impossible to "walk in another person's shoes." They grow to respect authoritarian figures & symbols of power, & learn to love their toys of power & destruction.


Some Strategies for No-Anxiety Parenting

         * Relax in your efforts to have young children ahead of the game very early in life. Children need to develop at their own pace. They will walk when they are ready. Be with them rather than at them all the time.
         * Examine your own life for stress that you may be modeling. Stop trying to be the perfect mother, father, wife, single parent, homemaker, teacher, aunt, counsellor or whatever. There is no such thing as a flawless person.
         Remove the perfection pressure on children. The ironic fact is that you are less perfect when you try to be perfect.
         * Work one day at a time at developing an atmosphere of peace. Anything that you are doing which brings about upset & strife, either in yourself or in children, ought to be examined & eliminated. If you are picky, fastidious, pushy, arrogant, short-tempered, or have any personality trait that is unpleasant to others, then go to work at changing it.
         * Children need to learn how to be alone. Many children complain constantly that they are bored, that they have nothing to do. These are the sentiments of children who have grown up thinking that others have a duty to keep them entertained.
         * The child who is being compared feels a great deal of pressure to live up to expectations of how he should be. If a child does not talk until he is three, & his older brother talked at five weeks, all that can be said is that they began talking at different ages. Einstein did not talk until he was four.
         If you avoid comparisons, you will not hear the guilt-inspired logic of children later, when they will be most tempted to say, "You always liked Michele better than me."
         * Try to remove the pressure on children to acquire external rewards throughout their lives. In fact, grades, awards, trophies & all of the merit badges we dispense can lower a child's motivation. If they pursue only the award, once they have attained it, they will no longer wish to pursue that area of endeavour. Pursuing awards & grades teaches them to only participate in the things that they can excel at, & to avoid everything else.
         * Once a child has been reminded of a mistake & punished or whatever the consequences, then drop it.
         Todd, a young teenager, told me how he had made a mistake one time when his parents left town. He invited several friends over without his parents' permission, & they had some beer & a party. When his parents returned, he was grounded for three weeks. He made a commitment to never do such a thing again, unless he had his parents' permission. He had a long history of being responsible, & he readily admitted his mistake & took the consequences of his lapse in responsibility. Two years later, whenever Todd wanted to go anyplace or do anything away from his parents, they reminded him of his previous mistake. His father hounded him about the trouble he had caused, & how disappointed both he & Todd's mother were at the time. They simply would not forgive & forget. They wanted to get some extra guilt mileage out of Todd's error. The result: Todd simply withdrew from his parents, particularly his father. He lost respect for them simply because he really did not want to be continuously reminded of how much pain he had caused two years earlier. The more they reminded Todd of his conduct & how much he had hurt them, the more he looked forward to being away from them.
         Todd soon realised that his father was using guilt on him, & he began giving it right back. He took to reminding his father about an affair he had six years earlier that almost caused a divorce. "How can you expect me to be perfect when you sneaked around on Mom?" he would say in retaliation. Guilt breeds more of the same, & the only way to ensure that you do not get it back is to avoid using it yourself.
         * No one likes to be insulted, regardless of how young they are. The purpose of insults is to gain a measure of control or power over another by making him or her feel terrible inside. Adults forget how sensitive children are to criticism. They can take one of your insults, even if it was not meant to be hurtful, & be affected by it for a lifetime.
         * Squelch any temptation to talk badly about anyone else in front of them. Parents who are embittered & take it out on their children are making an extremely irresponsible choice to help their children to feel even more anxiety than they should.
         * Whenever you see signs of children taking on worry habits, stop them with this sentence: "I want you to simply sit right here & worry with me for the next ten minutes." The absurdity will soon take hold. When they are through, ask them if studying would be more productive, or planning, or practicing. (Editor: Or praying!)
         * With babies, try being sensible rather than a worrier, & it will help you & the baby to be less anxious. The warnings to lock up & put out of reach those items that are too dangerous for youngsters are well taken as preventives to tragic accidents & also as a means to avoid constant negative messages from you as a "worried" adult. Foresight rather than worry can lead you to take precautionary measures, reducing mental & physical strain for the adults as well as the children.
         Worry causes you to make more mistakes, to be constantly checking every movement, & to become paranoid about the baby's safety, cleanliness, emotional stability, & everything else. Caution, yes; worry, no.
         * Help younger toddlers & preteens by teaching sensible lessons on personal safety, without putting an unnatural fear into them. Go over the potential dangers, but do not scare them into becoming people who are afraid of life.
         * Keep in mind a child's age when you react to him or her. If you do not want little ones to wander around in a fancy restaurant, stay home, leave them with a sitter, or go to a family-style restaurant. If you do go to an elegant place & then sit there fuming all night because the baby is crying & disturbing everyone, or the four-year-old is making faces at the other diners, then you, not the child, are at fault.
         * If you punish a child for anything, be certain that he knows the reason. It is not sufficient that you know why you are meting out punishment. They are the ones being punished, & even if they do not agree with the punishment, at least be certain that they have heard you say the reason why. If possible, ask them to repeat it so that it is not misunderstood.
         Use punishment only as a learning device. It should always be something that is reasonable. Follow through on what you have agreed, but do not make unenforceable statements. If you do make a threat of punishment that is unrealistic, then back off of it when you have calmed down. "I am not really going to have you miss videos for the rest of your natural life just because you failed science in the fourth grade, but you will have to study each night until we both are convinced that you are putting in a serious effort in school. Okay?" It is far more sensible to admit to having overreacted than to go ahead with punishment that was obviously not intended to be handed out in the first place.
         * Allow children to speak their minds, even if they say things that you find intolerable. Children who are fearful about speaking will begin to hide everything from you if they know you are intolerant of their ideas. Ask them about their views.
         When I counselled pregnant teen girls & suggested that they tell their parents, they almost always said, "You must be joking. They would kill me--I could never ever tell them." This says something very revealing about their relationships with their parents. If your children would not want to come to you when they are in deep trouble, then it must be because they fear being judged or rejected.
         Create a relationship with your children wherein they come to you with the good news & the bad, knowing that they will be comforted & helped by you when they make a mistake as well as when they make you proud.
         * Avoid correcting children in front of others, & ask them to do the same for you.
         * Be with your children now. Children do not see into the future the way you do. Throw the ball with them, now. Hold them in your lap, right this moment. These are the things that children remember.
         * Occasionally try to get your children off schedule to some degree so that they can experience some spontaneity in their young lives.
         If you rid yourself of some of your own rules & rigid thoughts about what the children need, & determine their needs instead by simply observing their behaviour, you will find life much more pleasant at both mealtimes & bedtimes.
         * Get your children out into nature as much as possible. With my own babies I have noticed that they cry much less when I take them outside. They smile a lot more on the grass than in the house on the carpet.
------------------------------
         There's not a place on Earth's vast round,
         In ocean deep or air
         Where love & beauty are not found,
         For God is everywhere.
------------------------------


I WANT MY CHILDREN TO HAVE PEACEFUL LIVES

         "There are few if any occasions in our lives when we have been angry or lost our tempers on which we can look back without regret."--Ashley Montague


Basic Principles to Adopt as Guidelines for Eliminating the "Same Old Fights"

         1. Virtually all fights revolve around the absurd thought, "If only you were more like me, then I wouldn't have to be upset."
         2. You get treated in life the way you teach people to treat you.
         3. Behaviour, rather than words, is the greatest teacher of all.
         4. People are more important than things. Physically-abused children almost always treat their children abusively, particularly when the abuse they received was the result of making things & objects more important than human beings.
         5. Perhaps the most neurotic pursuit of all is the desire to have those who love you understand you all the time. Once you accept the fact that you will never be understood all the time, then you will stop all of the hurt that goes with the insane demand for mutual understanding on every issue of life.


Understanding Anger

         Angry outbursts (tantrums) by children are almost always used because they work. The behaviour only persists for as long as it works. When you give in to an angry outburst at any time, what you are saying to your children is this: "All you have to do to get your way is to act uncivilised & angry, & then you can have what you want."
         Constructive anger mobilises people to action. Let people get angry over injustices in the World, & then mobilise themselves to make a difference. Let them get angry at their own foolishness in leaving the toys around for others to ruin, & mobilise themselves to store them properly. This is constructive use of anger.
         However, most anger does not work that way. Anger usually immobilises the person. The quick-tempered person (child or adult) relies heavily on fear in order to manipulate others into being the kind of people he thinks they should be.
         Children who can provoke you into getting angry have a great deal to gain. While they may have to spend some time in their rooms, look at the tremendous payoff to them. "Wow, I really got to Mom this time--she was ranting & raving. I have complete control of her now, & all I have to do is stay in my room for a few minutes." If you respond to children with uncontrolled anger, you are merely giving them control of your behaviour.
         Too many acts of violence (unguarded moments) are committed in a quick burst of anger, with an eternity of misery immediately following the angry outburst. Too many crimes of passion are excused with "He's really not that kind of person. He just snapped for a moment. I'm sure he won't do it again." These kinds of excuses ensure that the real-life tragedies which result from angry explosions will continue unchecked forever.
         Expressing the anger you experience in a way that is not harmful or inconvenient to anyone else is healthier than storing it away for a later explosion.


Discipline

         "If you don't do what you are supposed to do, I am going to have to discipline you." "What you need is more discipline to get you to behave." The word "discipline" has come to be associated in a child's mind with the concept of punishment. Children also learn to avoid discipline.
         I have run daily for the past nine years without once missing. I have avoided eating as much sugar as I can for the past decade. I have written hundreds of articles & eight major books since 1976. I have flossed my teeth every day for as long as I can remember. Am I being punished? Do I do these things because I fear what a big person will do to me if I do not write, exercise, watch my nutrition, or floss my teeth? Of course not! I love doing these things. Discipline is a positive, not a negative, attribute.
         Inner discipline, the kind I am talking about right here, is not practiced very well in our culture. Schools talk about the need for strong disciplinary teachers who can motivate the students to behave themselves while the teacher is in the room. But when that authoritarian teacher steps out of the room, the entire class is in chaos. We want children who will behave whether the teacher is in the classroom or not. If they need a supervisor around all the time, then they are only behaving out of fear.
         Strictly adult-imposed discipline gives children no reason to develop self-discipline. "Our parents are gone, so let's drink their booze--they won't know the difference. Let's stay out late--they won't know. We can do whatever we want, because our parents aren't around to watch us."
         Think of discipline as helping children to adopt an internal code of ethics to guide them throughout their lives.
         Effective self-discipline can be learned very early. Obviously with very young children you must simply tell them, "No! You cannot smack the baby in the face," & then give a sensible explanation without imposing fear. "The baby is too little to stop you. No one likes to be smacked in the face--you know how much it hurts. I do not want you to smack the baby even if I am not around. We all love each other, & that is much nicer than hitting." Teaching them the notion of not hitting is effective discipline. Telling them that they will get spanked hard if you see it again, registers this way with your youngsters: "I'll have to make sure that Mom isn't around the next time I hit the baby so I won't get spanked again." When you use fear, or impose the discipline because you are bigger, then you teach children to be sneaky & to misbehave behind your back. When you help them to understand why, that it has nothing at all to do with being caught, or with anger, but that it is something that they must internalise, then you are teaching effective discipline. This is true for children of all ages.
         Safe driving & wearing a seat belt ought not be done for you as their worried parent or for fear of breaking the law, but must be taught as the only way they can avoid accidents or protect themselves in the event of an accident. The discipline must be internal. You do not speed--not because you might get caught, but because it is dangerous & immoral to place your life & particularly the innocent lives of others in jeopardy. You do not snort cocaine--not because I say so, but because your body is precious & you want to take care of it always. If children avoid drugs because you are around, then they will seek them out when you leave the scene. But if they learn to have respect for their own bodies, if they are permitted to ask questions, are not afraid to tell you what they have tried, & adopt their own ethics regarding drugs, then eventually it will not matter whether you are around or not.
         Yes, children need guidelines, & even some prohibitions at earlier ages, but always with a sensible explanation. Discipline imposed by anger, frustration, fear, or simple strong-arm tactics only works in the presence of the jailer.


Some Useful Techniques for Eliminating Those Family Fights & Creating a Harmonious Atmosphere for Everyone

         * Look for solutions, not problems, in dealing with your children. Below are contrasting responses.
         Looking for Problems: You never do anything to help out around here. You're totally irresponsible.
         Looking for Solutions: These are your responsibilities, which you agreed to. I will not tolerate you running off to play when you have chores to do. Your work is just as important as your play.
         Looking for Problems: I can't stand to see you looking so sloppy. You have no pride in yourself.
         Looking for Solutions: You are so gorgeous when you take a few minutes to spruce yourself up. I think you are beautiful no matter how you dress. Do you feel attractive?
         * Work actively at defusing rather than igniting potential blow-up points. One very effective technique is to practice reflecting back what is being offered to you. The following examples apply. "The teacher gave you a rough time in math class, & now you want to fight your little brother over a toy." "You are really scared about your test tomorrow, so you are taking it out on me." "You feel cheated when the other kids get to go someplace & you have to stay home." "You are sulking because I pointed out that you are avoiding your chores. You'd rather I just ignored it & did things for you instead."
         Here are the same situations with anger-baiting replies. "Don't take it out on your brother just because your teacher gave you a hard time." "I don't know why you are mad at me over this test. I didn't do anything." "I hate it when you sulk. Just do your jobs & quit being a complainer." "I can't take everyone with me on every trip, so grow up."
         Handled the right way, you are teaching children that you understand what they are attempting to do, & you are labeling their feelings, rather than defending yourself.
         * Simply leave a room for a short time when you feel a same old fight beginning to emerge. Provide a cooling-off space once you realise that winning an argument with a child is impossible. This is not avoidance; it is a sensible way to eliminate the endless rehashing that causes so much anger. (Editor: Be sure to work things out soon afterwards, though.)
         * Refusing to be a part of a warlike home atmosphere is the surest way to clean up the war games. Work at postponing your anger for short periods of time. The lesson is that you have control of your emotions, & you do not have to explode with anger whenever someone else decides to behave in angry ways.
         * Try viewing your children as complete human beings rather than miniature people. Ask a friend to stare you directly in the face, looking as menacing as possible, & yell right at you. See how intimidating & frightening this can be, & please note how much you dislike the experience. It is just as unpleasant & frightening for little children, except that you are two to three times larger than they are. You would need a fifteen to eighteen-foot giant doing the same to you to duplicate equivalent feelings.
         * Images can last forever! Television & movie violence that is ingested daily teaches people to see violence as entertainment. Supervise their selections & discuss what is being shown or suggested.
         * Watch out for the excessive use of corporal punishment.
         * Be careful not to overlook any violent outbursts that children display, simply out of fear of a scene.
         * Try to reduce their frustration levels. When you make demands of your children which they are incapable of meeting, you increase their frustration levels enormously. Insisting that a child dance a solo or act a major role in a skit may sound like wonderful goals, but may put too much pressure on them. They could be encouraged to play a more minor role that wouldn't put them so much in the spotlight, or one that they feel more comfortable with.
         You can guide children in setting goals, you can help them to establish self-discipline programs & encourage them all the way, but always be certain that they are doing it for themselves, for their own personal reasons, & not exclusively to please you or anyone else. (Editor: Children, when mature, should want to do the right things of their own free will, not because they are forced to do them. It's much better to teach children a greater & more effective motivation than doing things merely to please themselves: The best motivation should be to please the Lord, and in so doing, they also please themselves and their family.)
         As Dorothy Canfield Fisher said, "A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary."
         * Remember that nothing grates a child's frustration level more than being compared with someone else. What you did thirty years ago means as much to them as what Roman centurions did two thousand years ago means to you. Your childhood is ancient history to them. Try to treat your children as unique, not in comparison to anyone, especially to you, who lived in those ancient times that are as distant as the Stone Age. (Editor: Although sharing your own mistakes, lessons & experiences can help them see you in closer, more human terms.)
         * Teach children to be self-disciplined. You cannot force someone to do something he absolutely refuses to do.
         Anger, fighting & hostility create an atmosphere that diminishes motivation. Sometimes you have to peacefully wait out a child's periods of low motivation, providing her with a loving person who does not push too hard, & who shows support.
         The lesson of living often serves as the greatest motivator of all. Some people have to experience what they don't want before they realise what they do want, & no amount of anger on the part of a parent is going to change that fact.
         * Follow through on your punishment promises. Try to involve your children in ascertaining an acceptable punishment that will help them toward a solution to the problem.
         * Do not administer punishment when angry. If a child has just spilled a box of nails on the carpet, that moment is the least effective time to deliver a lecture on not being clumsy. Similarly, when your teenager arrives late for dinner, it is most wasteful & fight-producing to launch into a tirade on the importance of punctuality. It is far better to simply record your feelings with a look, or to offer support for the spiller, & then, at a time when there is no personal investment in having to defend oneself, to have a talk about spilling or lateness. Wait until later or even the next day. (But not too long to render the lessons less effective.) By timing your talks so that no one is put into a defensive position, you can help everyone concerned, & you can also eliminate many of the same old fights.
         * Refuse to be a referee in your children's daily disputes. Most requests to have you settle a petty dispute are nothing more than attempts to get your attention. I have found that when I absolutely refuse to make a ruling, & I simply state, "I am not interested; you will have to work it out yourselves," then leave, the fighting stops.
         One time my daughter, Tracy, aged nine, & her friend Robin were arguing in a motel room they were sharing with me. The fight concerned who would sleep on what side of the bed. Tracy said, "I sleep on the side next to my daddy--I have a right to." Sounded reasonable to me. Robin retorted, "Yes, but I was here first & I'm not moving." That seemed equally sensible logic. As they blasted away at each other I decided to go into the bathroom & read the newspaper. I announced that I would not come out until their problem was resolved. Through the door I could hear them sort things out. When they realised that I was not going to intervene, & that I truly was not the least bit interested, Tracy suggested, "Let's put two numbers on a piece of paper. Whoever draws the higher number gets to decide where she sleeps." From my seat in the bathroom I was shocked that they both agreed, & at the simplicity of the solution. However, had I intervened, there would have been a chorus of "That's not fair," "But I should decide," "But I was here first," & so on. Children usually have the answers within them for almost all of their disputes.
         (Editor: In this case, the children were able to come to a fair agreement. It's important, though, that you monitor this closely, as children need to learn a lesson from fights.--The Lord allowed it, even if the Devil did instigate it. So it's good to mediate in order to teach these lessons or to guide them in working out an equitable solution.)
         * The following list is a short summation of effective strategies that you can use when your children behave with anger & hostility in the home.
         1. When a child is out of control, do not attempt to reason with him. (Editor: Pray!)
         2. Hold a child to calm her down, or send her to a cooling-off place.
         3. When the child is calm, establish a system & stick to it. "I'll tell you once; then you go to your room." (Editor: Don't leave them alone & out of the victory.)
         4. Do not threaten what you will not do.
         5. Arrange conditions in advance. "If you are not polite to me, I won't drive you to singing practice."
         6. Do not reward abusive behaviour.
         7. Reflect with your child so that he can clarify what is bothering him. "Your friend didn't invite you to her party, & now you want to take it out on others."
         8. When both of you are calm, talk about what the child might be getting out of her tantrums. Explain why it won't really work, & that it just causes trouble for her & everyone else as well.
         9. Use humour, & be good-natured & unbothered when children are trying to get you to join them in their anger.
         10. Identify what is happening. "You are acting loud & mean because you think I will give up & let you do what you want just to get you to be nice again. I told you why you cannot have your way. You can go to your room & act this way, but not in front of me: I have heard & seen enough."
         Nothing will work always. There will be times when everything you try simply does not work. (Editor: Except the Lord!)


I WANT MY CHILDREN TO CELEBRATE THEIR PRESENT MOMENTS

         The now is a magic place. Children have this magic within them from the very beginning. Our task is to make sure that we do not squelch it in children.


Accepting Children Where They Are

         Children are confronted with a unique set of expectations that is visited on them by the adult world. They are constantly being bombarded with the question, "What are you going to be?" This implies: "You are not yet complete as a human being." Young people, regardless of their age, need to be viewed by all of us as a complete person. They are not getting ready for life in any way, but in fact are living it each & every day.
         View children as partners in living, as people who have as much to teach us as we have to teach them--the adult with his life catalog of experiences & children with their wide-eyed enthusiasm & freshness of appreciation for everything encountered.
         Everything that you know, you made a decision to know, & this is equally applicable to children. Your role is to help them to decide what is most helpful for them. A child's readiness to learn anything is the most crucial variable in the entire learning process.


The Joy of Present-Moment Living

         Pleasure is terrific, & you should try to fill your life with as much of it as you can. No conditions, no apologies; a simple fact. Life is to be enjoyed. This is not an endorsement of grabbing your pleasure at the expense of others. Their lives ought to be fun. Schoolwork ought to be pleasant & enjoyable for students, not some dreary exercise in plodding through a painful & boring curriculum. The tasks they do not particularly relish can become fun if they learn the attitude of enjoying life for the moment, taking pleasure from each experience that comes their way.
         While they do not have to develop a phony sense of excitement about emptying the garbage, they also must learn not to be immobilised by these routine tasks & to look for the brighter side in all that they do. No garbage, no food. No food, hunger. Therefore, be appreciative of your garbage.
         There are adults who specialise in not allowing their children to enjoy childhood. They view childhood as a time of preparation only. School is a necessary evil which children must endure. Being little is the price you pay for getting big. Pleasure is something that will arrive later if one suffers enough now. But later never arrives for these people.
         Children take great pleasure in a snowstorm. Watch their wide eyes when they look out at the magnificent scene after a fresh snowfall. The adult in you might say, "I have to shovel it, put on the tire chains, plod through the slush," & so on. And that adult can be very convincing in his rightness. "The kids can afford to love the snow--they do not have to drive in it or put up with the mess." But stop yourself right there. Your sour attitude toward the snowfall will not change anything except how you experience it. Being mad at it will not make it go away. Being "right" about it will not change it. All you get for thinking miserably about a snowfall is your misery. Imagine being able to enjoy driving slower to work. Imagine having fun shoveling the snow rather than cursing it. The child in you wants to do just that.


Some Strategies to Help You View Your Children

         * Take joy in the "dumb" things they say rather than correcting them all the time. Love their ability to play with such energy, rather than trying to get them to be more serious or subdued.
         A parent who lost a child in an auto accident once told me that the biggest mistake she made as a parent was to treat her child as incomplete. She said to me, "Tell any parents that you work with to appreciate their children for what they are each day, because if they ever lose one they'll then know that they are special exactly where they are, & how foolish it is to prepare them for something that they might never have."
         * Spend more time with children in the unique world of play. Hide-&-seek can be just as much fun for you as for them, & when you join them, you send them a message that you acknowledge them as total human beings who do such things as play hide-&-seek, rather than judging them as "only children" who play games all the time.
         When you join the game, you accept the child. When you scoff at it, or simply decide to always read the newspaper instead, you are ignoring the child & communicating, "When you grow up, then I will acknowledge you as a total human being, but for now you really do not count in my eyes." Be a child with them & you will see a much happier child.
         * Being with children means slowing down, looking at the miraculous beauty of every moment with wide eyes & an open heart. The opportunities for present-moment fulfillment can be found in a walk in the park, a ballet, a lunch together, the rodeo, a bike ride along the canal, a game of kick-the-can etc.
         * Children are entitled to a sincere explanation when you leave them, particularly when they are very young. You have a job that requires you to be gone a great deal of the time. This ought never to be a source of guilt on your part. But try explaining why.
         * Emphasise having mutual goals that are attainable in short periods of time. Children must be involved in the setting of goals. You will be of much more help to children if you are with them in the first grade, talking to them about what they are doing in school now. Let the long-range stuff take care of itself.
         * Avoid placing roles & labels on children. Take away all the silly labels like "You're too young for that," "You're too little," "You haven't the talent for it," "You're too frail to do those kinds of things."
         * Get rid of the sentence "Always do your best." No one can always do his or her best. Encourage them simply to do! Their best will come later in some area--& if it doesn't at least they are doing something rather than sitting around. The child who must always do his best--or who learns that if he does not do everything well, then he should not do it at all--is really learning to restrict his efforts to those areas where he excels. He is learning to avoid failure, to fear the disapproval of others, & to be an observer rather than a participant in life. There is nothing wrong with going for an average walk in the park, or a mediocre bicycle ride. It is far superior to watching others do the walking & the cycling, & if someday he wants to take up Olympic cycling, then at least he will know how to do it. For now, doing it is more important than getting a grade on it.
         * Live in the present moment. Avoid grumbling in front of the children (or in front of yourself, for that matter), & instead try to find something positive in each day. Examine spiderwebs; show the children how spiders capture insects & wrap them up for meals later on. Watch a special on television together, & then talk about it with them. Go to the zoo together--but instead of thinking about what time you have to get home, try to stay totally in the present moment at each exhibit, slow down a bit yourself.
         Tell them stories about what you did as a child, & what they did when they were younger. Children love to be involved in stories, & when they are the principal characters, it is even better. Those little moments are precious in which you send a signal to children that you are a person who really loves life. This teaches them to stay more present-moment oriented. Even as simple an activity as getting a haircut can become a fun learning experience if you approach it with vigor, rather than as a boring routine task that has to be hurried through.
         * Get rid of the notion that children who do things early are way ahead of the game of life. Teaching your children to read at age two, & putting them through practice drills as pretoddlers (if not done correctly), could intensify their anxiety levels.
         Hurrying children into advanced activities can represent an adult's need to have a precocious child rather than the best interest of the child. Check your motives!
         * If you have to break a promise to a child, give the child a sensitive explanation. While she may act upset with you, at least you convey to her that she counts when you tell her why you had to change plans. Avoid promising anything you know you cannot deliver. Apologies wear very thin very fast. You are much better off to simply keep your mouth shut, rather than to continuously make promises which you will be unable to keep.
         Of course there will be times when plans must be shifted. An intelligent, honest explanation will do more than anything to keep up a child's trust in you. "I know I promised that we would go fishing on Saturday, but I will be unable to make it due to an unexpected meeting that I must attend. I would much rather be fishing than travelling, but this meeting has to be attended. We'll make it up within the next few weeks." This is not an empty apology; it is an honest declaration that gives your relationship to the child the priority that it deserves.
         * Praise your children at every opportunity. Praise is the World's greatest teacher. Criticism has been shown to be the absolute worst way to motivate a child. The more you criticise, the more likely you are to extinguish your children's desire to improve.
         Try out a strategy like this when a two-year-old has just thrown an apple core on the floor rather than putting it in the garbage:
         Criticism: How dare you so that! You have no right to be such a slob! You pick it up & then go to your room for being so nasty.
         Praise: You know where the garbage can is. I know you like the room clean, just like the rest of us do. Put it where it belongs; I know you can do it. (Then step back & give the child a chance to think about it on his own.)
         In this little scenario, the criticism simply makes the child more determined to win, even if he must endure punishment. In the praise strategy, the child learns to behave properly without being told that he is a bad person because of his behaviour.
         If you give direction & praise, & then allow a few minutes for the child to consider what has been said, with you busy with something else nearby, he will most likely pick up the apple core & throw it away. A child wants & needs your praise in order to build a self-image of being a terrific person. Always look for the good in children & reinforce that part. "You are beautiful. Do you really want to mess up your natural beauty by not grooming yourself?" "You are normally so careful about not ruining things. What happened this time?"
         * Encourage a child to earn her own way in life & make it a pleasant experience for her as well. A child with a paper route or a job bagging groceries or babysitting is not only having a terrific time in her present moments, but is also learning a valuable lesson in each one of those moments. They love doing this, & it gives them an opportunity to learn about accounting, mathematics, banking, interest rates, saving & other important lessons of life.
         Making lemonade & selling it, standing out in the hot sun, counting up their earnings--all of this becomes fun. But picking up clothes can be "work" which is accompanied by whining & complaining. Why? Quite simply, because the lemonade stand is their idea & the picking up of clothes is your idea.
         * Work at having more spontaneity in your life with children. Take the planning out as much as possible & simply do things together. Spontaneity is just doing something without having to spend half your time getting ready for it. Not knowing what to expect is exactly what makes a funhouse fun!
         As Kay Lysons reminded us, "Yesterday is a cancelled cheque; tomorrow is a promissory note; today is the only cash you have--so spend it wisely."


I WANT MY CHILDREN TO EXPERIENCE A LIFETIME OF WELLNESS

Developing a Wellness Attitude

         The more you feel sorry for a child, conveying to him that he is sick & must stay immobilised, the more you encourage him to stay sick. His reasoning goes something like this: "I get much more attention when I am sick. They listen to my complaints. They get worried & stop everything else to pay attention to me. I don't have to go to school. I can lie here & just soak up all this attention. I am really in the limelight. I think I'll opt to hang on to sickness for more of this good stuff called attention." This is actually what is going on in most cases involving "normal" illnesses, & the more attention you provide, the more likely children are to develop & maintain these kinds of sickness attitudes for their entire lives.
         (Editor: Of course, in today's hellish public schools, children face tremendous pressure in the form of competition, violence, drugs, bullying etc. Therefore, many school-age children use "being sick" as an excuse, not primarily to get attention, as pre-schoolers do, but to escape the hell of schools. Home-schooled children, however, do not have to face such traumas, & therefore don't have as impelling reasons for feigning sickness. We do not want to minimise the counsel given on how to treat sick children, but only to add that perhaps upon occasion the Lord might allow a sickness because He wants to give a little one extra personal time & attention. You should always look to the Lord for the reasons.)
         Talk to children as if they can do something about their illness instead of acting as if the child does not have a fever when he does. It means talking to the child & explaining what a fever is, & then saying, "This will go away. (Editor: When we pray.) You won't feel bad for very long. You can even help by resting & drinking lots of juice." (Editor: Along with, of course, real prayers of faith, & helping them to claim specific promises from the Bible for their healing.)
         Five major points that differentiate wellness from sickness are:
         1. Wellness is taking positive action rather than a passive role in dictating & directing your health destiny. This means that you must help children to become the directors of their own life habits. With proper nutrition, a sound approach to regular exercise, & a belief that they can be healthy rather than simply without symptoms, they can expect to avoid illness.
         2. Help the child to come to believe that her own health & how she feels each day is basically up to her. The more responsibility they feel for being sick, the more they will be inclined to eliminate sickness from their lives. (Editor: Of course living sensibly, avoiding unhealthy habits & having a faith-filled attitude will help us a lot in our battle with sickness. However, "Many are the afflictions of the righteous!" (Psa.34:19) We have a spiritual warfare to contend with as well, so children should realise that, contrary to what the author says here, they are not in "total control" of how they feel each day.--Which is all the more reason why we need to teach them how to "fight the fight of faith" (1Tim.6:12) in the Spirit.)
         3. Wellness is the elimination of your negative lifestyles. Excessive consumption of sweets is something that they should come to see as contributing to a sickness. Very early you must keep candy away from them, but later on they must understand that if they do eat candy, it is their teeth they are destroying, their metabolisms that are affected, their headaches that result & so on.
         4. Wellness is a way of life which results in maximum longevity & enhanced quality of life. New research on serious illnesses & attitudes suggests that even cancer & heart disease are strongly related to the inner attitudes toward wellness that a person possesses, that if we do not think sickly, we are less likely to be that way, & that having the will (attitude) to live is a strong indicator of how successfully one will emerge from any serious bout with illness.
         5. Wellness is feeling better & living longer.


How To Model Wellness

         If you are a sickly thinking person, your child will very likely have the same attitudes. If you reinforce their sickness by babying them, & if you think & act sickly yourself, complaining all the time about how terrible you feel & demonstrating hypochondria for them, you will be teaching them just the same.
         Be determined not to allow your wonderful body, the place where your individual spirit currently resides, to deteriorate unnecessarily. Even if you do not want to do it for yourself, your children demand it from you.


Why Your Children Need Wellness

         If your child becomes convinced very early in life to avoid bad health habits & to stay away from a debilitating lifestyle, he or she will remain convinced for a lifetime.
         Recent studies point out that almost half of all 19-year-olds are moderate to heavy drinkers. It is reported that 25 percent of children of smoking parents are themselves smoking regularly by the age of eight. One-fourth of the children in the U.S.A. in grades one through seven are obese. Young people have no regular exercise habits & the cholesterol levels of children who eat junk food on a regular basis are causing premature heart problems in as many as 40 percent of our young people. You may be the finest person in the World & still be doing them a large disservice if you are not tuned in to a wellness approach to their upbringing. The strongest mind will still succumb to a body that is diseased & not treated properly.
         When my children see me exercising each day & taking the time to go for a walk, they too want to take up exercise. My children have become more aware of the importance of good food & solid nutritional habits because I have adopted these habits for myself. The junk food is out of the house, so they naturally reach for a plum or an apple instead.


Using Visualisation for Wellness

         The use of mental imagery is one of the strongest & most effective strategies for making something happen for yourself & for children.
         A picture in your mind of you being as healthy as it is possible for you to be is just as useful to you as a strong exercise regimen & a balanced nutrition program. It will automatically force you into a wellness approach to life. The more you visualise yourself in the way that you want to be, the more you will begin acting in the way that will bring about the picture you have stored away.


Wellness & a Sense of Humour

         Laughter is a healer. When children laugh they are actually releasing chemicals into their bloodstreams which are necessary for the prevention & cure of disease. When they go through life believing that everything is serious, that one should not laugh but instead keep his nose to the grindstone, they are not only enjoying life less but contributing to their own physical letdown as well.
         A child who laughs & has a sense of humour, who lives in a household where laughter is frequent, & who can laugh at himself, has a much better chance at wellness. Children who have not been encouraged to develop a sense of humour, to laugh at themselves & at life, tend to sarcasm with remarks that degrade or insult & exhibit anger whenever the joke is on them.
         Developing a sense of humour & experiencing laughter & fun through playing is a powerful force for uniting you with your children or others. Do not underestimate the value of helping your children develop an ability to laugh a lot in life, to see the fun side of everything & to be a little crazy now & then. When I finished some work in a mental institution with a group of people who had been labeled zany, they all got together & presented me with a gift. Their spokesman told me, "We like you better than the other doctors." When I asked why, I received one of the greatest compliments in life. "Well," she said, "you're more like one of us."


Some Techniques for Implementing Wellness in Your Child Rearing

         * Teach children to expect to be well rather than ill. You can teach little children not to expect to be sick for very long by always talking to them about how strong & healthy they are. With older children, teach them to expect their physical ailments to improve. (Editor: Pray for healing!)
         * Do not reward; instead, praise wellness. If they know they are going to get presents when they are sick & be showered with affection only then, you can expect them to want to be sick a great deal. Encourage them for being strong & well. (Editor: Praise the Lord for good health!)
         * Believing that sickness is inevitable is tantamount to having a sickly life. Conversely, believing that wellness is inevitable is equivalent to having a healthy life.
         * Resist using medicine for everyday aches & pains that really are inconveniences rather than illnesses.
         * Look for a doctor who practices medicine from a wellness point of view. A good dentist's office is now a place you go to primarily for the prevention of dental disease, & only incidentally to fix up what damage has occurred.
         * Get your own act together regarding your health. Children will be exceedingly proud of your discipline & commitment to your health.
         * Learn more about proper nutrition. Lendon Smith's "Feed Your Kids Right" & Adele Davis' "Let's Have Healthy Children" are excellent sources. Get the junk food out of your home. Refuse to buy food that you know is lacking nutritional benefit. Get the soda pop out of your house & teach the children to drink water. Water is a great cleanser of the body.
         * Take the seriousness out of life with your children for at least part of every day. Put more emphasis on having fun, playing games, just being together & enjoying life.
         * Limit the amount of time your children sit in front of videos. Use videos as a source of entertainment & education, but not as a babysitter. Raw television reinforces smart-alecky behaviour (virtually all situation comedies use sarcasm & wisecracking as their basis for humour) & conveys the idea that being empty-headed & having a jiggly body is what women are about, that pleasing others & achieving status are the primary purposes in life, & that happiness & success are external qualities that one purchases.
         * Stop talking about your aches & pains in front of your children. Feeling bad is often nothing more than a verbal habit. When children regularly complain about how they feel, it is because you have either given them an example of someone who does the same thing, or have been willing to listen & commiserate with them over their poor feelings.
         * Do not accept excuses from children for their being out of shape, overweight, or anything else which you know they can control quite readily.
         * Make mealtimes more joyous occasions. Provide plenty of good food in the house & let them decide on their own portions. If they are finicky about their eating habits as they grow older, then let them serve their own food. Make eating a natural experience, rather than a forced feeding time characterised by arguing about what & when to eat. If you believe in no dessert if one does not eat the veggies, then simply state it, live by it & do not get into a baited argument about it. Be lovingly firm & mealtimes can be great times for all.
         * Do not be the "big ear" parent who listens to every complaint & then dispenses pity for your "poor little babies who don't feel so well today." Respond with "I know you'll feel better soon. Give it a try." (Editor: Or, "We've prayed, & know the Lord's going to make you better.") If they do opt for illness, then do not let them party & play all day as a reward for giving in to their illness. If they must stay home, then let them stay in bed & rest, & not be rewarded for being sick. Always make the rewards for wellness, not sickness, & you will eventually see children who want to be well much more than they opt for illness.
         * Teach your child that the illness she is experiencing at any given moment is simply a powerful & useful signal to look more deeply at what is being done inappropriately to the body to make it malfunction. (Editor: Ask the Lord why you're sick.)


I WANT MY CHILDREN TO BE CREATIVE

What is Creativity in Children?

         The literal meaning of creativity is "bringing into being something new." The opposite of creativity is conformity. Children are being discouraged from being creative when they are expected to only do things the way they are taught. Children can either learn to be creative or they can work at conforming, imitating & doing as they are told.
         The labels that parents give to their children often stick with the children despite the child's efforts to change them. As soon as children accept the labels you provide for them, they give up on themselves & become the noncreative people they genuinely do not want to be.
         You can help your children to have persistence. Help them to not give up, ever, on the things that are of great importance to them. Asking young children to "Stay with that puzzle until you get it, even if you appear stuck right now" is the kind of encouragement I am talking about. Help them to seek answers in unconventional ways, rather than trying once & then quitting.
         William James defined genius as "the faculty of perceiving in an unhabitual way." Geniuses are not creatures of habit. They want to know more. They ask why over & over again. If you ignore inquiries often enough children will seek out answers from other sources or lose the enthusiasm for the pursuit of knowledge.
         Show them that exploring a question & admitting openly when they do not know an answer is much better than trying to fake it. Even if you do not know the answers, you can still look things up together.


Some Sample Strategies for Raising Your Children on a Regular Diet of Creativity

         Keep in mind as you read through these strategic offerings that I am not talking about overly permissive supervision in which you simply allow children to run wild through whatever thoughts enter their minds. Creativity implies teaching children a kind of self-discipline for themselves so that they will not behave themselves to please you but because it is the most effective way to conduct their own lives. Creativity does not mean irresponsibility; it means applying one's own thoughts & ideas to any problem of life without worrying about what everyone else will be thinking.
         * Work each day at developing patience with your children. Silently count to ten before interfering in anything that your child is doing. When you see a two-year-old trying to put the pieces of the puzzle in backwards, count to ten silently before correcting & see what the child's personal solution is. If he works at it for a few minutes longer, at least he had the opportunity to do it himself.
         When a four-year-old is trying to get on a bicycle & is doing it from behind rather than from the side, stop yourself before correcting her. Maybe she will invent her own unique method for mounting a bicycle that suits her just fine. Let her be creative rather than dependent.
         When a ten-year-old wraps presents for the holidays, & the ribbons are twisted & the seams not quite straight, stop yourself with a silent ten count & let her have her moment of design creativity, & praise her efforts.
         When a 14-year-old is writing his first composition for English class in high school, avoid correcting his choice of words & encourage him to write in his own fashion.
         Stop yourself from offering to think & do things for your children, & interfere only if they become so frustrated that they get stuck, or if they ask for your help. And when they do ask for your help, respond with, "What do you think?" "What is your opinion?" "How would you do it?" Let them know that you value their opinions & solutions & that they have the choice to do things in their own way even if they would do it differently.
         * Allow children to be unique without becoming nonconformists for the sake of nonconformity.
         Encouraging Conformity: No one else is complaining!
         Encouraging Creativity: What is it you dislike?
         Encouraging Conformity: We've always done it this way in this family.
         Encouraging Creativity: Maybe you do have a better way of doing this. Tell me about your idea & maybe we can all try it.
         Encouraging Conformity: Can't you ever do things the way everybody else does?
         Encouraging Creativity: I've always loved the way you stick up for your point of view.
         Eliminate references which encourage a child to behave in ways that everybody else is behaving. There are ways to get children to look at their behaviour, to examine what is working for or against them, other than to plead with them to simply fit in & go along with what everybody else is doing.
         * Take a unique approach to their persistence when they are young & always asking questions. Take as much time as you can to provide answers that show that you are interested in their inquiries. Remember, the question, "Why?" does not always require a detailed answer. Generally they just want your attention & to know that you care enough to respond. Keep in mind the old story about the little boy who asked his mother where he came from. She went into a detailed analysis of the sex act & the reproductive organs & her pregnancy, worrying that she might not be providing the children with a correct reply. Her little boy's response was startling: "I know all about the sex stuff, Mom. It's just that Billy said he came from Cleveland, & I wondered where I came from."
         After the fourth or fifth "Why?" I have always asked them right back, "Why do you think? I'll bet you already know the answer."
         * Remember that creativity & risk-taking go together. You must obviously do all that you can to ensure that a child does not put himself in a position of danger to himself or others. However, children must not grow up always on the safe side of everything they do.
         A child must learn very early that she will suffer some setbacks & some difficulties for stating her point of view & fighting for it. Children will display signs of wanting to try new things, to think of their own ways, to challenge silly rules, or to come up with new ways of doing things.
         * Take a few extra minutes each day to just be with your children & listen to them. Arrange for special minutes alone with each. If they are very young, show them a picture book for a few minutes each day & talk with them about what they are seeing on the pages. With toddlers, go for a walk alone with them, holding hands & conversing. With pre-teens & post-toddlers, here are a few starter questions that you might ask in a nonprying way that will help you to convey to them that you care about them: "What do you do all day in school?" "Who are your favourite people in school?" "Why do you like them so much?" "What would you like to do more than anything?"
         This "being a learner" technique takes you out of the advice-giving expert authority-figure role, & lets the child be the expert. It shows them that they are important to you, not as people to boss around, feed & take care of, but as unique human beings.
         * Creative people are doers, not critics. There are thousands of statues erected to creative people in every walk of life. I have yet to see a statue honouring a critic.
         * Whenever you are confronted with the choice of praise or criticism, opt for praise & administer it often. When they show you a piece of writing, find something to praise before being critical about anything. "That is really great. You express yourself well on paper. Do you want me to offer any suggestions on other ideas to include?" Give praise first, then ask the child if she wants corrections, rather than simply telling her what words she has misspelled or how ungrammatically she writes at the age of eight.
         I can remember my music teacher in the third grade telling me, "Wayne, why don't you just mouth the words during our presentation to the parents. You have no ability in music, & I don't want you to ruin the concert for everyone else." Thirty years later I could still remember those words & I literally left all musical pursuits & interests behind. While my music teacher may have been correct about abilities in the third grade, who is to say what will happen later on in a person's life? Edison was very hard of hearing as a child, but he made record players later on. Einstein couldn't even talk at the age of four, but he had plenty to say as an adult & the whole World listened.
         Even if a child seems to display zero talent in a given area, anything he does & asks you to look at should receive a great deal of praise if you want him to continue with creative pursuits for a lifetime. Creativity is not something you can grade. It is an attitude.
         * Provide children with an example of a creative person. Show them that you do not always have to follow the recipe book. Take up a painting project & ask for their opinions. Do not just quote rules to them as reasons why they have to do things.
         * Do not talk baby talk to your children. The more you talk down to them, the more you teach them to doubt themselves.
         Similarly, if the child speaks in a way which misuses the language, do not constantly repeat the erroneous language pattern, even if it is cute. If the child says, "Me gots to go to the bathroom," respond with "I'll help you go to the bathroom."
         Avoid talking to your older children in condescending tones. They want to feel grown-up, & the more you talk to them as if they were nincompoops who are incapable of comprehending adult language, the more you teach them to turn you & themselves off.
         * Give them an opportunity to explore the World without a houseful of toys. Give them some time to invent rather than buying toys that they will come to rely on. If you fill up all of their moments with gadgets & programmed entertainment, you are dulling their senses & teaching them to rely on someone or something else in order to make their lives fun & interesting.
         Get them logs & blocks that they can use to build their own castles, art equipment & blackboards to make their own creations, or puzzles & books that will stimulate rather than dull their creative urges.
         * Do not be afraid to say, "I don't know. I don't know, but I'll try to find out." When children feel a need to answer questions even if they do not know the answers, they will soon begin faking answers. The more your child hears you saying these words, the less pressure they have on them to always give a correct answer.
         * Give children ample opportunities to figure things out for themselves in life. It is not an adult responsibility to keep children occupied at all times, it is your responsibility to help them to figure things out for themselves as much as possible.
         * When you provide praise, the major emphasis should be on what an achievement means to a child, rather than keeping the focus on whom they beat or how they compare with everyone else. Keep the emphasis on what every activity means to the child personally.
         Creative people are those who do not compare themselves with others. De-emphasise the need to defeat others.


I WANT MY CHILDREN TO FEEL A SENSE OF PURPOSE

         Our number one goal needs to be centered on helping children to feel a strong sense of inner satisfaction in leading purposeful lives. Without that strong sense of meaning, the individual feels lost, aimless & unsure of why he is here. In order to be able to feel a strong sense of purpose, children have to learn to transcend their personal wants & become engaged in the service of other people.


Some Sample Techniques for Helping Children to a Sense of Purpose

         * Do not allow yourself to tolerate any abuse from your children. Regardless of how well you raise them & how much you teach them, there are still going to be many times when they are going to act nasty, inconsiderate & outright bratty. You do not have to put up with any abuse from your child, & you should be willing to have a plan for such occurrences.
         * People are more important than things. When Harmon Killebrew, the great baseball player was being interviewed upon his induction into the Hall of Fame, he told the story of how his mother once yelled at him, his father & his brother because the three of them were tearing up the grass while playing a game of touch football in the back yard. Harmon always remembered his father's response to his mother & used it as a guiding principle in raising his own family: "We are raising boys, not grass."