PARENT EFFECTIVENESS TRAINING IN ACTION!--By Dr. Thomas Gordon
To become competent at sailing a boat, under all weather conditions & in different waters, requires more than the skills of changing the sails. To fly a plane competently & safely, a pilot must be grounded in the theory of aerodynamics, as well as have a basic understanding of weather, to say nothing of understanding how engines work. In fact, the simple skills the pilot needs just to take off, fly straight & level & land an aircraft are so simple that a child of eight can learn them!
It's no different with becoming an effective parent: It requires knowledge of certain fundamentals about human relationships to become a really effective parent.
The P.E.T. theory (Parent Effectiveness Training) is not just a blueprint of effective parent-child relationships alone, but one that applies to all human relationships--husband-wife, boss-subordinate, teacher-student or friend-friend. At first this surprises parents because most parents seem to see the parent-child relationship as very different from other kinds of relationships. In the eyes of many parents, children are not people.
Most parents firmly believe that if they make a critical remark that puts down an adult, that person will be hurt & the relationship damaged. Do the same to a child & they believe somehow the child won't be hurt, nor will the put-down do damage to the relationship. In fact, many parents even argue that children need criticism & put-downs & so it is the duty of a good parent to give kids a generous dosage of such messages, "for their own good."
Also, parents are universally bilingual--they use one language for adults & another language for children. Should a friend drop & break one of their dishes, most parents would never want the friend to feel embarrassed or guilty, so their message would be some variation of, "Oh, don't worry about that dish, accidents will happen." Let their eight-year old drop that dish & we might hear another language, such as "Now my good dish is broken! Why do you have to be so clumsy? Can't you ever be careful?"
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Many adults have a double standard, a stricter one for their children than for themselves!
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WHOSE PROBLEM IS IT?
A fundamental in PET is the principle of "problem ownership." The concept of "ownership" of problems found its place in PET because so many parents fall into the trap of assuming responsibility for solving problems their children own, rather than encouraging them to solve their own problems.
It's when the children own the problem that parents are so often tempted to jump in, assume the responsibility for solving it, & blame themselves when they can't. PET offers an alternative, based on the following:
1. All children will inevitably encounter problems in their lives, of all shapes & kinds.
2. Kids have unbelievable & mostly untapped potential for finding good solutions to their problems.
3. If parents hand them prepackaged solutions, children remain dependent & fail to develop their own problem-solving skills. They'll keep coming to their parents every time they encounter a new problem.
4. When parents take over (or "own") their children's problems, & therefore assume full responsibility for coming up with good solutions, it becomes not only a terrible burden but an impossible task.
5. When a parent accepts the fact that he doesn't own the child's problem, he's in a much better position to help the child work through the problem-solving process on his own.
When the parent owns the problem, this calls for a posture that will communicate to the child, "Hey, I've got a problem & I need your help"--quite a different posture when the child owns a problem & the parent wants to communicate, "It seems like you have a problem. Do you need my help?"
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Even if you don't understand what the problem stems from, the Lord understands & the answer is Love, whatever the problem.
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AVOID THE ROADBLOCKS!
It's a rare parent who has never been told how important it is to listen to children. In books & magazine articles, authorities continually hand out this prescription for effective parenting. And almost as consistently as this is preached, parents feel convinced that in practice they really do listen to their children.
But with few exceptions, parents enrolled in PET courses have demonstrated that their typical response to a child who shares a problem has not been to listen but to talk. They feel they must say something to the child, send some kind of a message to him, tell him something.
Take a 14-year-old teenager who tells his parents about the problem he is having with his homework & school: "I just can't get down to doing my homework. I hate it. And I hate school. It's boring. They teach you nothing important to your life--just a bunch of junk. When I'm old enough I'm going to quit school. You don't need schooling to get ahead."
Here are some of the typical responses parents make, as well as what we call the "Roadblocks to Communication":
1. Response: "No son of mine is going to quit school. I won't allow it."
Type of Roadblock: Ordering, directing, demanding.
2. Response: "Quit school & you'll get no financial help from me."
Type of Roadblock: Warning, threatening.
3. Response: "Learning is the most rewarding experience anyone can have."
Type of Roadblock: Moralizing, preaching.
4. Response: "Why don't you make a schedule for yourself to do your homework?"
Type of Roadblock: Advising, giving solutions.
5. Response: "A college graduate earns over 50% more than a high school graduate."
Type of Roadblock: Lecturing, giving facts.
6. Response: "You're being short-sighted & your thinking shows immaturity."
Type of Roadblock: Judging, blaming, criticising.
7. Response: "You've always been a good student, with lots of potential."
Type of Roadblock: Praising, buttering up.
8. Response: "You're talking like a hippie."
Type of Roadblock: Name-calling, ridiculing.
9. Response: "You don't like school because you're afraid to put out the effort."
Type of Roadblock: Interpreting, analysing.
10. Response: "I know how you feel, but school will be better next year."
Type of Roadblock: Reassuring, sympathising.
11. Response: "What would you do without an education? How would you make a living?"
Type of Roadblock: Probing, questioning, interrogating.
12. Response: "No problems at the dinner table. How's basketball these days?"
Type of Roadblock: Withdrawing, diverting, distracting.
This exercise proves that the typical posture of parents, when confronted with a child "owning" a problem, is to say some thing--give an order, warn, moralize, ad vise, teach a lesson, criticise, name-call, diagnose, praise, reassure, interrogate or divert.
These 12 roadblocks carry a high risk of having one or more of these effects on children:
* Making them stop talking.
* Making them defensive.
* Making them argue, counterattack.
* Making them feel inadequate, inferior.
* Making them resentful, angry.
* Making them feel guilty or bad, etc.!
(Editor: Even though some of the above statements are good in themselves, the main idea is that we must not speak up & react immediately but that we must learn to wait until we go through the steps described in the next sections.)
LISTENING SKILLS
We teach the following four listening skills in PET courses:
A. Passive Listening (Silence). A child will find it difficult to talk to you about what is bothering him or her if you are doing most of the talking. "Silence is golden" certainly applies to effective counselling because passive listening is a strong nonverbal listening that conveys to the youngster:
--I want to hear what you're feeling.
--I accept your feelings.
--I trust you to decide what you want to share with me.
--You're in charge here--it's your problem.
Passive listening encourages youngsters to share their feelings & often to get into deeper & more basic problems than the one initially presented. On the other hand, silence is not enough. When youngsters share a problem, they want something more than silent listening!
B. Acknowledgement Responses
While silence avoids the Communication Roadblocks that so often tell the child that his messages are unacceptable, it does not prove to the child that you're really paying attention. Therefore it helps, especially at pauses, to use nonverbal & verbal cues to indicate that you're actually well tuned in. These cues could be called "acknowledgement responses." Nodding, leaning forward, smiling & other body movements, used appropriately, let the child know that you really hear. Verbal cues like "Uh-huh," "Oh," "I see" etc. also tell a child that you're interested, that you want him or her to go on & share more.
C. Door Openers or Invitations
Occasionally children need additional encouragement to talk about their feelings & problems, especially at the beginning. So effective counsellors often begin with door openers or invitations to talk, such as:
--Would you like to talk about it?
--I'm interested in what you think about that.
--Sounds like you're concerned about that.
--Do you want to say more about that?
Notice that these responses are open-ended. They leave the door wide open for the child to talk about any aspect of a problem. The child is given a lot of freedom to decide just what it is he wants to share.
D. Active Listening
The parent's most effective skill by far is a type of verbal response which contains no actual message, but only mirrors or feeds back the child's previous message. It is called active listening. It differs from passive listening in that the receiver, by feeding back what he hears, actively demonstrates that he truly understood the hearer. He proves this to the sender by "feeding back" the meaning of the sender's message in his own fresh words. Here is an example of one parent's active listening response to a troubled child:
CHILD: I'm too dumb to learn arithmetic. I'll never be able to do that stuff.
PARENT: You feel you're not smart enough, so you doubt you'll ever get it.
CHILD: Yeah.
Usually if the receiver is right, the sender will then say something that confirms the accuracy of the feedback, like "Yes" or "Right." If the receiver is wrong, the sender usually corrects the receiver with a message like, "You don't understand." By feeding back--active listening--the receiver has a sure way of checking on the accuracy of his understanding of the sender's message.
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People are complex. Children are people too & their problems are complex too. If we'd just stop thinking about children as "children" & think about them as people, we'd get a lot further with finding out what's wrong with them, because we'd understand a lot better.
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WHY ACTIVE LISTENING?
1. Feelings get dissipated. People think they can get rid of feelings by suppressing or forgetting them. Actually, troublesome feelings are more likely to go away when they are expressed openly. Parents can help children express exactly what they're feeling by using active listening. Then the feelings seem to disappear.
2. A deeper feeling of caring. Being heard & understood by another person feels so good that it invariably makes the sender have warm feelings toward the listener. Children, particularly, respond this way. Also, the listener begins to feel warmer & closer to the sender. Listening to another with empathy makes one understand that person & appreciate him or her more. The listener becomes that person momentarily when he puts himself in the other's shoes.
3. Children will start listening to you. When someone listens to your point of view, it becomes easier for you to listen to his. Therefore children will listen to their parents' messages if their parents first have heard them out. When kids don't listen to parents, it is often because the parents have not been good listeners themselves.
4. You won't have to be "Super-Parent." Most parents labour under a common misconception that to be a good parent means you have to solve all your kids' problems, shape their behaviour, call all the shots, be in charge, always be right, come up with all the answers, be totally responsible & even assume all the blame for their failures--in short, be Super-Parent!
BECOMING A LISTENING PARENT
Old habits are hard to break, & parents find it hard to resist the temptation to be interrogators, moralizers & solution-givers. The new skill for some parents feels unnatural, & when they try it they often feel clumsy--like learning to cut meat left-handed when all your life you've held the knife in your right hand. Then too, some children inexplicably won't open up & share their real feelings right away, which is discouraging to the parent who is so eager to see the new skill work. And then there are parents who try to use the active listening at the wrong times--when they're too angry, too upset by what they hear, or too strong in their own values & beliefs.
Acquiring skill in active listening is like learning any new skill--tennis, golf, dancing or using chopsticks. The learner always feels clumsy & self-conscious at first. And with active listening, parents not only must learn a new verbal behaviour, but unlearn old verbal habits. But with practice & experience, most parents move through the initial stage into one in which the new skill comes to feel more natural.
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It takes a lot of time & effort, thought, & real sacrifice to change.
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WHEN CHILDREN WON'T TALK
Confident in having learned how to Active Listen & with high expectations of using it successfully, many a parent finds that his or her child just doesn't open up & freely communicate as they think they should.
Parents need not feel discouraged when, at one time or another, a child doesn't feel like talking or announces he won't talk. "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" contains a principle that also applies to children's talking. There is no sure way to make children talk. In fact, active listening is not always the best way to get a child to start talking. Simple door openers or invitations do a better job:
--Would you like to tell me about your day at school?
--Want to talk about what seems to be bothering you?
--Would it help to talk about what has made you upset?
Once a child accepts your invitation to share his experience or feeling & starts talking, then active listening is the best way to let him know he's understood & his feelings are accepted.
Kids are no different from adults--they sometimes don't feel like talking, they often resist probing interrogation, they won't talk unless they trust that what they say will be accepted, & at times they want their privacy respected.
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Children's feelings are much the same as adults', only a difficult experience can be even more traumatic for children because they haven't experienced some of these things before, & they haven't been assured like you have that things all work out in the end & everything is going to be OK. They don't have experience to go on, like you do.
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"DON'T USE THAT ACTIVE LISTENING ON ME!"
Some parents told about youngsters who at first strongly resisted active listening & even became irritated with their parents when they tried it:
"I've tried active listening with Sarah. She's 14 years old. And her reaction was, `Don't you try that mirror-talk on me.' My first attempt was absolutely disastrous. She just said, `Don't do that to me.'"
Many older kids don't like active listening because they've experienced so many years of receiving quite different kinds of messages from their parents.
One effective way to avoid the resistance of older kids to active listening is for the parents to explain to the youngsters, before using the skill at home, exactly what their newly-learned skill is all about. Some parents show their workbooks to their kids, pointing out the list of roadblocks, admitting how much they as parents had used them in the past. This usually provokes a lot of good-natured discussion, as well as laughs from the kids. And after they know what roadblocks are, youngsters better understand the active listening method & how it can be used.
OVERDOING ACTIVE LISTENING
Some parents discover that they try to listen too much, like this mother of four:
"I got so gung-ho that I active listened everything. I don't know why nobody said anything to me about it. Finally one of my girls said, `You know, it's not even fun to talk to you, because you don't tell anybody about how you feel--you just listen. You use active listening all the time!' She didn't like it, she felt very uncomfortable. She felt like she was being psychoanalysed."
Parents need some guidelines that might help them avoid the pitfalls experienced by those who did overuse active listening:
1. All problems kids experience are not serious enough to warrant a "counselling session." Your 9-year-old might say, "The peanut butter is so hard I can't spread it without breaking my bread." This hardly warrants an invitation for her to explore more deeply, as in "Would you like to talk about it?" or "You're really feeling frustrated."
2. Kids give clues when they're up against problems that are serious to them. Look for tears, withdrawal, pouting, strong anger or fear, & radical shifts away from typical behaviour (a talkative child being unusually silent or thoughtful).
3. Before putting active listening to work, test the waters to determine if your youngster really wants a listener or a sounding board. Try passive listening (silence) for a few minutes. Or try asking, "Want to talk about it more?"
ACTIVE LISTENING WITH A HIDDEN AGENDA
An additional cause for the failure of active listening in some families is that the parents use active listening to bring about some preconceived outcome, usually unknown to the child. In PET this is called "having a hidden agenda." One such hidden agenda that sometimes surfaces when parents employ active listening is their desire for the child to arrive at one particular solution valued by the parents. Their hope is that through active listening they will influence the child to come to the "right" decision. One mother described this incident:
"It's raining & I want him to wear a jacket or hood or whatever. And I said, `It seems as if you don't want to cooperate' or `It seems as though you want to go out & get wet & therefore miss school.' I don't get too far. I get ranting & raving & arguing from him. He's negative & this is the way he's going to react to me."
And well he might react that way, when he hears the response his mother gave him. The clue to her hidden agenda is in the phrase, "You don't want to cooperate." That's tantamount to saying, "You don't want to do what I've already decided you should do."
Remember the principle of active listening: It's a tool to help a child find a solution to his or her problem, not a tool to get compliance to the parent's solution.
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Put yourself in as close a situation as you can think of to your child's situation & think about how you would feel--then you can get a better understanding of him!
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YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHETHER KIDS CAN BE TRUSTED UNTIL YOU TRUST THEM
If parents never try the active listening method, they'll never know whether a child can solve his own problem or handle his feelings constructively. When parents respond to a child's problem with roadblocks, they deny that child the chance to work through his problem & earn the parent's trust. Roadblocks tell the child, "You really can't be trusted to solve your problem." (You must do this, you should do this, you darned well better do this, let me tell you my solution or give you my advice, you need my facts & my wisdom, there's something wrong with you even to have this problem.)
THE ROADBLOCKS WILL PREVENT THE CHILD FROM FINDING OUT WHAT THE REAL PROBLEM IS
In case after case, parents who relied on active listening watched their child move away from the symptom ("I'm not going to college," "I hate kindergarten" or "This family drives me crazy.") & eventually focus down on the real or basic problem. Parents without trust quickly jump in & try to solve the presented problem with orders, threats, advice, solutions or moralizing, completely unaware of what the real problem might be.
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It is better to ask some of the questions than to know all the answers.
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THE MAGIC OF "I HEAR YOU"
Active listening demonstrates to another person that you not only listened but you heard. The effects of that message often make it seem that something magical has happened. This was brought out clearly by a minister who told of this brief incident with his 15-year-old son, Arnold:
"When we first tried active listening, I happened to be the observer, & I thought it was so fantastic. My wife had just said something to Arnold when we were sitting on the patio. And he just turned to Liz, my wife, & screamed loudly, `You just bug the hell out of me!' The veins just stood out on his face--it was the first time I'd ever seen this side of my son, because you know, being the P.K., Preacher's Kid, he was kind of the symbol of what all nice boys & girls should be. Now here he was screaming at about 100 decibels of sound.
"And Liz just looked at him & said, `I get under your skin, huh?' And if you could have watched the expression on his face! He was expecting her to jump back at him with an equally loud & bombastic & critical statement. And when it didn't come back, he went from about 100 decibels down to a conversational tone & said, `You sure do, Mom.' But the next statement was the significant one--he said, `And I suppose I get under your skin too.' I couldn't believe it! Something that could have been a holocaust for 2 hours, & perhaps noncommunication between them for a day, was solved in just a matter of minutes, just because one person dared to say, `I hear you.'--Not `You're wrong,' but, `I hear you.'"
The words "I hear you" or something similar can be more valuable than any proposed solution. For example, there was the 3-year-old frightened by thunder during a storm:
"She got very upset hearing this thunder & seeing the lightning--mainly the sound. She came crying to me, saying, `I'm afraid--I don't like the thunder.' I started out with roadblocks, saying `It's just the clouds bumping into each other.' But she kept crying & saying, `I don't want to hear it, I'm afraid.' I said, `It won't hurt you, it's just a noise.' Still more crying. Then it came to me--aha, active listening! So I said, `You're worried about the thunder & you wish it'd stop because it scares you.' Her expression changed immediately. All the worry went away, & she went trotting off without another word. That was the end of it! She just wanted me to understand how she felt. And that was the end of it. It was a beautiful example--just trotted off, that was it!"
The same happened with Tommy, age 2. His mother described it this way:
"He'd gotten to be a big crier about being hurt. In preschool he hangs out with other little kids who have a habit of coming in & saying, `I got an Ow-wy, got an Ow-wy,' yelling & crying loudly, you know, waiting for those hugs & sympathy. Tommy was picking this up. The next time he came in with one of those little Ow-wy's--& it wasn't severe--I said, `Wow, it looks like that really hurts.' La-di-da, he just went off. That was it. And I've used that since on him." (Editor: Of course, we can not only learn to acknowledge that we heard & understand what they are feeling & trying to express, but we can also lead them to comfort, trust & encouragement with the Word of God & prayer.)
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We must always have a meek & quiet spirit about us which engenders trust & faith & confidence & peace, rest & assurance in others as well, for our spirits are contagious.
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FEELINGS ARE TRANSITORY
Parents are often surprised how quickly a child's feelings go away when he is heard. This holds true even for very strong & very deep feelings. Listen to Bobby, 3-1/2 years old, who hated peas. His father, an early sceptic of active listening, tried to prove it didn't work, & reported:
"One time Bobby said he didn't like the peas. And instead of saying, `Eat the peas, Bobby' or `Shut up,' I said, `Bobby, you just don't like the peas.' And he said, `Oh, I guess I do.' I just couldn't believe it! But he ate the peas. It was unbelievable, the first time I used it."
And here are Cathy & a friend who were "crushed" when Cathy's mother's guide dog punctured a ball they were playing with:
"My daughter Cathy's friend had been given a little imitation football. But Franz, my guide dog, had a fixed notion that all balls are intended for amusement. So the first bounce & Franz leaped into the air & punctured it, leaving nothing but a limp rubber container. The little boy was heartbroken & wailing loudly. His parents jumped in with, `Oh that's all right, we'll get you another one tomorrow.' That didn't do a thing but make the yelling louder. I said, `You're really upset that Franz would pop your ball, aren't you?' And he said, `Yes.' And then he went off & found something else to play with. The promptness with which that satisfied both the kids was amazing!"
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Children have to go through many things, which though small to us, may seem monumental to them at the time. They aren't that hard to understand if you just put yourself in their position!
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GETTING DOWN TO THE REAL PROBLEM
Rarely do kids start right out in a conversation to share what's really bothering them. They begin talking about something superficial or on the surface--what some counsellors call the "presenting problem." Not understanding this about kids, parents typically start sending roadblocks, such as questioning, giving advice, teaching a lesson, moralizing or judging, which keep the child focusing on the surface problem. This prevents a youngster from progressing down to the deeper problem which is really bothering him.
To put it another way: Untrained parents move in to help their children before they even know what the real problem is. They're so anxious to solve what they think the problem is that their anxiety interferes with the child's telling them what is really bothering him.
But when parents learn to active listen, they can get down to the real problem. This worked for the divorced mother of Mark, aged 4, when he got very angry at his brother:
"Mark started having really bad nightmares the end of December, & got pretty bad asthma. The pediatrician put him on medication & said he'd have to run a lot of allergy tests. But the medicine didn't do much to clear it up. Sometime in February I had the PET course. I had Mark for the weekend & his breathing was terrible--really really bad. Right before he went to bed, I sat in bed with him & started talking, saying, `Something really seems to be bothering you.' He'd had a scene with his brother who'd torn up some of Mark's projects. Mark screamed at him & got hysterical & ran into his room.
"I said, `It seems to make you upset when you scream at Timmy.' He said, `Yeah.' I said, `Don't worry about it.' And that didn't do a thing. So I went back to the active listening. He said, `When I scream, my bones are going to break.' He pointed to his ribs & started coughing from his asthma & said, `Do you hear? It's breaking, it's breaking, & the house is breaking too.' He was referring to the house where he lives with his father. And he started getting all choked up & his asthma was getting real bad.
"And I said, `You think that the house is just going to break down.' And he told me he had a dream in which the house broke & everything was broken: `And I was just there with my room & my toys--& Daddy wasn't there & my bones were broken.' So I took a wild stab & said, `You're really sad because your family is broken.' And he just started crying & crying & I was holding him & letting him cry. And when he was done crying, his breathing was a million times better.
"And he wanted to talk all about why my husband & I left each other. But I said, `The family is broken up & that's making you mad.' He kept saying, `Not mad, sad.' And I said, `Yeah, and you think everything is breaking up & you'll be alone.' So I started telling him how it was decided where he was going to live, & he really like hearing that--he wanted to hear that 2 or 3 times that night.
"I explained how Daddy & I both wanted him, but if he lived with Daddy he'd have his same room in a big house, but with me he'd have a tiny room in my apartment. I acted out how my husband & I talked it over: `I want to take Mark', & I said, `No, I want to take Mark.' And then he got this big smile & his breathing was clear. It was like a miracle! And once or twice during the week I went over the story again with him, the whole scene. He liked hearing it & he cried again. It was really coming from inside of him, & each time his asthma seemed to get better. And there's not a sign of it now! There's nothing: No coughing, no breathing problem, nothing! It's incredible!"
Another mother reports on her daughter, who didn't want to go to school:
"In January she started not wanting to go to school. We were at a loss, to tell you the truth. She'd wake up in the morning & say she didn't feel good & she'd better stay home because the other kids might catch what she had. Then one morning it was a stiff neck. I told her, `OK, you get dressed & go with me to school, & if you don't want to stay, I'll bring you home.' When it was time, the kids lined up to go into the classroom, & I told Joan it was time for her to go in, but she screamed, `No,' & burst into tears, & ran back to the car. So I took her home, but I was determined I was going to active listen.
"I said, `Joan, it sounds like you really don't like school--you're not happy there.' And she just kept saying, `I don't feel good, I don't feel good.' She didn't really say what was bothering her at first--she kept going round & round. And then all of a sudden she started talking about the fact that she never got a reward at school.
"It turned out that the teacher was giving rewards if a kid reached a particular score--it had to do with the reading objectives. It'd been going on for a couple of weeks. This was what triggered it. It was supposed to be an incentive but Joan was working as hard as she could--she was the youngest in her class & with kids who scored high. But she had perception problems, so she & one or two others in the class were the only ones who didn't know how to recognise the alphabet. She didn't feel like she was doing very good. She just couldn't earn a reward."
Joan's parents talked it over with the school & got her in another class & now she likes school & is doing great! The same mother describes how she used active listening to help her 4-year-old son get down to the real problem:
"I was baby-sitting another child who had been a real friend to Tim. But after a while Tim started to become extremely antagonistic toward the child--constantly fighting. I'd say such things as `Mary doesn't really like it when you call her names.' Or, `It hurts when you hit Mary.' Or, `I can't have you hitting other children.'"
These roadblocks failed to help Tim with his problem, which lasted for a couple of months. One day, after Tim pulled Mary's hair & his mother made him go to his room, Tim put on a real temper tantrum--"the biggest one I've ever seen," she reported. Finally she got him calmed down & said, "Just quit screaming & let's talk about it." The conversation then proceeded as follows:
MOTHER: Tim, you're really mad at me, aren't you?
TIM: No.
MOTHER: Tim, did Mary do something that made you mad?
TIM: No.
MOTHER: You don't like Mary.
TIM: No.
MOTHER: You think Mommy spends too much time with Mary.
TIM: Yes. You love Mary more than you love me!
MOTHER: You really think I love Mary more--that she's more important to me than you are--that I like Mary more than you, because sometimes I get mad at you & you don't see me getting mad at Mary as much.
TIM: Yes.
The mother then explained to Tim that he was very special to his Daddy & her because he was their son, & his sister was very special to them because she was their daughter, & Mary was very special to her parents because she was their daughter. Tim then settled down & began naming all his special friends, saying they were very special to their mommy & daddy because they belonged to their parents too.
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Try to put yourself in the child's place as much as possible. Try to be understanding, explain as much as possible & be as sweet as possible.
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DEVELOPING SELF-RESPONSIBLE CHILDREN
One of the most satisfying rewards parents derive from active listening is watching their children become more self-responsible. Emphatic listening communicates to the child a number of attitudes:
--I'm not going to take over your problem.
--But I will help you find your solution.
--I really have faith in your ability to handle this problem constructively.
--You're not loved less for having problems.--They're a normal part of each person's life.
Parents are often amazed to discover how capable & resourceful their children are when given the chance to solve their problems in their own way. One mother described a situation with her daughter, now ten:
"Alice is a pretty well-behaved kid in school, but the teacher had been moving her around to sections in the room where there were a lot of boys causing a lot of trouble. She came home in tears the other day--just a flood that lasted for about 15 minutes. `It wasn't fair. I hate my teacher. He's terrible. He doesn't listen to anybody.'--Because he'd moved her & she was really angry about it. She tried talking to him but he wouldn't listen. After she got all the anger out, she calmed down.
"I said, `If he won't listen, what ways can you think of that might get his attention?' She said, `Well, I might write him a note.' So she sat down & wrote this note that said, `I feel like you're punishing me by moving me around.' It just blew my mind because I didn't really realise that she could do that. So she wrote this note saying it made her feel angry, it wasn't fair treatment for being good & she wanted to be given a choice of where she sat for a while & she realised how hard it was for him to listen to everybody with so many kids in the class. She took it in & that teacher read it & let her choose where she wanted to sit! I couldn't believe it!"
Another 10-year-old daughter also surprised her mother with her capacity for self-direction:
"Before, I wouldn't give her her own problems to solve. I'd try to help her in some way. She & her friend had been to a meeting & she was telling me all these terrible things about Barbara & what Barbara had done. `Barbara called me a bad name & she hit her little sister & knocked her down.' I was only part-way responding, you know, not even trying to active listen, but not responding verbally in my old way either. And right in the middle of saying all these terrible things about Barbara, she walked over to the phone & called her & said, `Barbara, I'm sorry for what I did & I want to apologise.' I was kind of amazed when she did that because here I thought it was all Barbara's fault, you know, blaming everything on her."
Another parent talked about what happened when she gave solutions to solve her son's problems:
"I think the reason he got so angry with me is that he always heard me giving an answer or a prescription, `Well, do this & this.' And then if it went wrong he could blame me. But if it went right, he'd never get any credit for it. But I don't think he really wanted to launch out on his own & make his own decisions. When I look back on it now, those kids are making tremendous progress--many more decisions on their own than they've ever made, just in the last couple of months."
The temptation to be super-parent & take over the ownership of a child's problem is understandable since children often seduce or pressure their parents to give them answers or tell them what to do. But if just left alone, they usually make their own decisions very capably, as shown in the illustration below:
"Ken, who was about 8, was taking tumbling lessons. A week or two after the course started he got very upset about it. He didn't like the instructor & all the physical requirements he had to go through. He was in a quandary about whether or not to stay in, & he came to me & asked me whether or not he should quit tumbling lessons. Of all our children, he was the one for whom I had made the most decisions. So this was par for the course for him to come to me & ask.
"But before I decided for him, which would have been my normal pattern, I said, `You really have mixed feelings about whether to go on with it.' I started to active listen, but he just couldn't decide, he was so unaccustomed to making his own decisions. I said, `You're unhappy with tumbling practice.' And he said, `I don't like the instructor--he pushes us around & he's mean to us & I don't know how to tell him. And I'm also afraid that you & Daddy will be upset if I stop.' He got very impatient with me, demanding that I tell him what to do. `Why can't you just tell me what to do & I'll do it.' I was afraid of abandoning him, but I still did not decide for him.
"A week later, when tumbling lessons came up again, he decided for himself that he wanted to stop. As soon as he realised that I didn't have a hidden agenda for him to stay with the lessons, then he quit himself. He made his own decision."
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Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, & to let him know that you trust him.
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PARENTS GET NEW INSIGHTS ABOUT THEMSELVES
When parents begin using active listening, they may hear feelings & ideas from children that cause them to gain new insights into their own behaviour. In the following incident, a dentist father learns how his high expectations had been making his oldest daughter feel bad about herself:
"My 12-year-old felt very compulsive in school, if she didn't get 100% in all her courses, she'd be a failure. If she came home & told us she only got 89% on a test, before I'd have said, `Well, too bad, maybe next time you'll be able to be a little sharper & study a little harder.'
"Before the last PTA conference, Sally was very upset because she had dropped 2 percentage points in English. And I said, `You know, it sounds like you're a little upset.' And she replied, `You're going to be very disappointed, I didn't work hard all quarter.' And I managed to say, `That must be kind of a letdown for you.' And she went on for almost a half-hour. She was in tears, almost expecting me to get mad. And I just said, `You're really going to do what you want to do. I just hope you satisfy yourself. No matter what your grades are, I still love you.'
"She started sobbing & I was holding her & she finally said she loved me too. In the half-hour we talked I found out she didn't like a certain teacher, & I found out why she didn't like him. I found out what girlfriends she was having an argument with. We covered everything & it blossomed into a real discussion in which I didn't have to talk very much, just every once in a while to let her know I was listening.
"She was so emotionally drained & I sat & held her for a while, telling her I didn't expect fantastic results in school, & no matter what, I still loved her. When she first started school, we really expected her to be superhuman & to be an achiever. And if she didn't perform, I think we made her feel like we didn't like her. It's been great since."
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Children really need emotional & spiritual care! Children need to know that they're important & that they really are loved & looked up to by somebody, just like everyone!
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"YOU" VERSUS "I"
The effect of a "you-message" on a child can often have just the opposite effect of what it was intended to have. Kids resist messages like, "You stop making so much noise" or "If you don't stop, you'll get a spanking." With a high degree of probability, you-messages have one or more of these effects:
1. Children resist changing when they're commanded to do something, or threatened if they don't.
2. Children turn off parents who continually moralize & preach & lecture & instruct.
3. You-messages communicate, "I don't trust you to find a way to help me."
4. You-messages deny children a chance to take action on their own in consideration for the needs of their parents.
5. Children feel guilty after being put down with evaluations or name-calling.
6. Critical, blaming messages reduce children's self-esteem.
7. Children feel rejected & even unloved when they hear messages that communicate how "bad" they are--or "stupid" or "inconsiderate" or "thoughtless."
8. You-messages bounce back at the parent: "You're always tired!" "You don't pick up your clothes!" "You're a big grouch!"
Far less likely to produce these effects are messages that inform a child how his behaviour is making you feel & what the consequences are on you:
--I can't nap with a lot of noise in the house.
--I get discouraged when my clean kitchen gets messed up right away.
--When I have to talk on the phone, I get upset when there's so much noise that I can't hear.
For the parent who wants to rest, but his 4-year-old wants to keep playing, the parent would probably want to use an "I-message": "I'm tired." A "you-message" would be: "You're being a pest," which doesn't really convey the parent's feelings & just makes the child feel bad. It refers more to the child than the parent.
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Children are so much more vulnerable than adults in a lot of ways, because sometimes they don't understand things, so you have to treat them even more carefully, tenderly & with more consideration.
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TELL THEM WHY!
A complete I-message contains:
1) a description of the unacceptable behaviour,
2) the feeling experienced by the parent,
3) the tangible concrete effect on the parents.
For example, one mother's I-message might be: "When you stare at your brother (unacceptable behaviour), I get upset & unhappy (feeling) because his screaming & crying interferes with my cooking for you (tangible effect)." It tells the whole story, not only what the child is doing wrong, but also what the parent feels about it, & equally important, why the behaviour will cause her a problem.
Put yourself in the child's shoes. You're doing something to get some need of yours met, or to avoid something that's unpleasant to you. Now, just because your parent says, in effect, "I'm upset with what you're doing," are you very motivated to change your behaviour? Probably not--Because you have to hear a very good reason to change, or sometimes, "Because Daddy says so!"
This is why parents need to be explicit about the effect of a child's behaviour on them. Failure to communicate this to the child leaves him with no good reason to change.
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Communication is so important! At times of misbehaviour, it's better if you don't just spank, but especially talk about things & give the child a chance to explain himself & talk it out!
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Sometimes failure to give reasons can make a child feel hurt & rejected, because if children aren't told why they're doing something wrong, they may come up with reasons of their own, such as "You don't love me" or "You don't want to see me" etc.
The three-part I-message also has an effect on parents. Many times when parents try to communicate the "tangible effect" portion of the I-message, they realise there's no tangible effect at all! One mother explained this phenomenon:
"I found I-messages most valuable in helping me see how arbitrary I am with my kids. When I try to send all 3 parts & I get to the part that explains what effect the behaviour has on me, it would make me think, `Well, I have no good reason!' If I say, `I can't stand it when you're making so much noise around the house,' when I got to the `because', well, it would make me think, `Why am I annoyed about it?' So I've gotten into the habit now that if I can't think of any effect it has on me, I just say to the kid, `Forget I ever said anything,' because it seemed I was being so arbitrary. It's neat, you know, discovering that I couldn't even find a reason about half the time."
The clue to why this mother felt her discovery was "neat" was revealed later when she explained:
"I was always very much into controlling kids. I thought that was a smooth way to run a bunch of kids--have everything controlled. But looking at it now, I think, `Wow, how can I do that?' It caused me more work, not less, because I was so concerned about every little thing they were doing. Now I step back most of the time & say, `So what?'"
She then reported a specific incident to illustrate how she applied her new attitude:
"Caroline plays a lot with water in the bathroom. I'd be ready to send her an I-message that would tell her the effect on me: `I don't want to have to clean it up.' Then I'd think, `Wait a minute, why do I think I have to clean it up?' So instead I said to her, `If you want to play with water in the bathroom, would you be willing to clean it up?' And she said, `Sure!' And that's that--she cleans it up herself. And we're both happy!"
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Each case must be judged on its own merits & dealt with according to the leading of the Spirit!
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WHEN KIDS IGNORE YOUR I-MESSAGES
The notion that these messages should work every time is a lack of understanding of the PET method. An I-message is just a good way to inform someone that his or her behaviour is causing you a problem. It also minimises making the other person feel put-down, guilty & resentful. But an I-message never guarantees you that the other person will immediately or willingly modify their behaviour out of consideration for your needs.
Also, I-messages won't work in families where parents tend not to listen when their children have problems. It's as simple as this: If you want your kids to listen to you (when you have a problem), they must feel that you generally listen to them (when they have a problem).
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Your children are a reflection of you!
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I-messages must be seen as direct appeals for help: "The noise is keeping me from enjoying this TV show & I'd really hoped to be able to see it." Messages like this ask the child if he would be willing to help you. But if you're not willing to help the child when he has problems, he'll probably be far less willing to help you when you have problems.
The effects of you-messages can be guilt & a destructive effect on children for a long time afterwards. A good I-message will rarely produce guilt, because it tells the child only how his behaviour makes you feel, not how you judge him for having behaved as he did. This is a very important distinction for the child.
SOME GUIDELINES FOR PARENTS ABOUT I-MESSAGES
1. Parents' effectiveness with I-messages depends of the quality of your relationship with your children. If you do a lot of listening to your children when they have problems, you'll increase the probability of their responding positively when you have problems. The desire to help must be mutual--it can't be one-way, at least not for long.
2. Practice getting in touch with your real feelings. If your I-messages are usually angry, you probably don't know the feelings you're experiencing when your children give you problems. Ask yourself, "What am I afraid of?" because a good deal of the time behaviour you don't like for some reason is in some way threatening your values.
3. Don't expect kids to change their behaviour if you don't give them the results of that behaviour. Give them the real reasons, because they must be convinced that there's a good reason why they should change their behaviour.
4. Don't expect that every I-message will always work. You certainly don't feel like changing every time you're confronted by a friend or spouse either.
5. Don't think of your children as fragile & easily hurt. If the first I-message doesn't work, try a second one that is stronger & more in line with how you feel when you're ignored.
6. Listen carefully if you provoke defensiveness when you confront your children, & shift into active listening if necessary.
7. Tell your children why they're causing you a problem, not what they should do to solve it. Give them a chance to be a helper for you.
8. An I-message is a non-power method for getting what you need, so don't contaminate this powerful skill with follow-up commands, physical force or threats of punishment.
Formula for discipline: Love never fails!
HOW I-MESSAGES HELP
One mother had this very successful experience with I-messages: "Soon after I started to work on I-messages, I had the opportunity to alter what had become an impossible, if somewhat expected, situation. With 5 small children & many errands & commitments, usually for the children, I found a constant uproar in the car very disconcerting. One especially difficult time happened to be in transporting our 9-year-old to music lessons several miles from our home, through a business district & several school areas, in late-afternoon traffic. Like most mothers, I sometimes got upset & resorted to yelling, name-calling, etc., which only added to the confusion. That red-letter day, I decided to express my real feelings, without shouting. I pulled over to the side of the street, stopped the car & removed the keys. We sat there--the children momentarily speechless, then questioning. I explained calmly, `I'm terrified of driving just now! All the noise & movement makes me so nervous I'm afraid to drive. I'm really afraid we'll have an accident, so I'm going to wait for some calm to drive.' Needless to say, the calm arrived rapidly & remained throughout that trip. Now when the children get too rowdy for me to drive safely, I pull over & stop & the magic remains. I've made another non-verbal `I-statement'. Even our baby knows what I'm saying!"
Of course you may have to send another I-message if the kids forget after a couple of days, but that's not unusual, especially with younger children. They just forget easily.
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The long-term goal is to encourage the children to obey out of love & to have the conviction to know what's right & what's wrong & therefore choose to do the right thing.
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KIDS ACTUALLY WANT TO HELP
Kids respond to love with love. Parents will see their children respond to a good I-message as if they really care about their parents' needs & feelings.
One parent recalled sending a good I-message to her 12-year-old daughter, Cathy, about her need to have the house in order when the mother returned from teaching at night: "A long moment passed after my I-message & she didn't say anything, which was quite different for her. Then finally she said, `I didn't know you needed me to do that.'"
Like Cathy, kids are not often told what their parents need. Instead, they are told what they must do, or should do or better do.
The power of I-messages comes from the fact that a good three-part I-message is an admission on the part of the sender that he has a problem, plus an implicit appeal for help with that problem. In all human relationships, this kind of message carries a lot of weight--most people are usually willing to listen when a friend confides he has a problem. But if that friend sends blaming messages & then adds "musts," "shoulds" or "oughts," most people bristle in defense & resist in defiance. Nobody likes to be told what to do, & that includes youngsters of all ages.
We grossly underestimate the desire & willingness of children to please. They actually do want to help their parents. They do want to contribute to making their parents' lives more pleasant. And they feel good when they can. Parents have underestimated children's desires to help, because so seldom do their messages communicate that they need help. And seldom do these messages leave it up to a child to behave in ways that would help.
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Children are the most sincere people in the World.
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THE INGENIOUS SOLUTIONS KIDS FIND
When parents send good I-messages that don't include solutions--such as, "You must do this, you should do that, why don't you do this"--it permits youngsters to think up their own solutions for helping solve the parents' problems. And these solutions are often surprisingly creative & ingenious; often their parents would never have thought of them. Even two & three-year-olds are capable of unusual solutions. One father reports:
"I came home & found Gary's street hockey net sitting right in the middle of the driveway, right in the middle of some new grass I had planted. There were numerous footprints in the grass, which had just sprouted. I sent him a strong I-message about how sick I was to see the new grass messed up because I didn't want to take the time & trouble to replant it. He grunted an acknowledgement & went on about his business--watching TV.
"A few days later I came home to find a hockey game in progress, with 4 or 5 neighbourhood boys & my son. The net was on the driveway this time & I noticed the boys were leaping across the new grass rather than stepping on it. I commented on this & one of the boys popped up with, `It's a penalty shot for every footprint.' I never did find out how this solution came about, but it worked great, & it was one I never would have thought of myself."
Kids are so creative in coming up with solutions because they have such strong needs to do what they want to do. You can almost see their little heads working to find a solution that will take care of the parents' needs & still not stop them from doing their thing. Perhaps this is what motivated Tim in this brief incident:
"A young mother had polished the stereo cabinet in preparation for company. Her 2 little boys, ages 7 & 4, wanted to play their records that afternoon, but she was worried about fingerprints. She resisted saying, `Ask me to put the records on' & instead sent an I-message: `When you open up the lid, I'm concerned there'll be fingerprints & I'll have to clean it up again before company comes.' Her 7-year-old came up with his own creative solution: He carefully stretched down his pullover sleeves over his hands & opened the stereo without leaving fingerprints."
IT FEELS GOOD TO BE HONEST
When parents begin to send I-messages, not only do they notice changes in their children, but they experience a significant change in themselves. The different words used to describe this change all seem to mean greater honesty.
Apparently the old idea, "You become what you do," applies here too. By using a new form of communication, parents begin to feel inside themselves the very honesty their I-messages communicate to others. The I-message provides parents with help in getting in touch with their real feelings. You-messages are entirely other-oriented.
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He that is not honest with himself cannot be honest with anyone else.
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HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR ANGER
Express yourself, in the right way! We all get angry sooner or later, but if expressed in the right way it can bring results instead of resistance or resentment. One mother gives an example:
"I was moping around & the children were running in & out, & I decided this was really stupid. So I just told them, `I feel upset & impatient right now & I don't feel like talking, & I feel like being by myself.' They just looked at me & said, `OK, we're going to play upstairs.' It seemed so simple--it was just great!"
While this mother did give some reasons (wanting to be by herself), it's clear that anger doesn't always provoke door slamming or damaged egos.--Often it will produce results. In fact, expressing it is probably far healthier for parents than keeping it bottled up inside & feeling resentful towards youngsters.
I-MESSAGES & APPRECIATION
Here are some more examples of positive I-messages, with a healthy dose of appreciation as well:
Your 8-year-old
"When you let me know
daughter phones to
where you are, I feel
tell you she stopped
relieved, because then
at a friend's house
I don't worry about
after school.
you."
Your 12-year-old
"When your hair is
son has begun to
clean all the time, I
wash his hair more
really enjoy looking
regularly.
at it."
Your 6-year-old
"I was sure happy to
son pitched in &
have your help tonight,
helped you set the
because without it
table when you were
dinner would have been
in a hurry.
late."
I-messages can help to prevent problems too. It's far better to let your kids know ahead of time what you have in mind rather than wait until they behave unacceptably out of ignorance of your needs.
HOW I-MESSAGES LEAD TO PROBLEM SOLVING
When an I-message fails to produce an immediate change in a child's behaviour, some parents give up, feeling disappointed or resentful. They forget that I-messages sometimes are only a prelude to problem-solving. The I-message tells the youngster why his behaviour is unacceptable to you, yet he may have strong needs to continue, for reasons unknown to you at the time. So when he doesn't change his behaviour, the two of you have a conflict--you don't like his behaviour--but he does!
This certainly doesn't call for giving up, or giving in. Your needs are still unmet & you still have a problem. Your job is to start problem-solving & making a mutual decision on a solution acceptable to you & the child. So when I-messages don't work, parents may have to move into problem-solving that will meet their needs, as well as the child's.
THREE METHODS FOR SOLVING CONFLICTS
Almost without exception, parents handle their inevitable conflicts with children in one of two ways: Strict or lenient. You could call these two approaches Method I & Method II. Both are win-lose approaches--Somebody wins, somebody loses. Conflicts are often approached as power struggles, a contest of wills, a fight to win. A review of both methods will help the reader to understand why.
Here is how Method I works:
When a conflict between parent & child occurs, the parent decides what the solution must be, hoping the child will accept it. If the child resists, the parent threatens to use (or actually uses) power & authority to coerce the child into compliance. (Parent wins, child loses)
Here is how Method II works:
When a conflict between parent & child occurs, the parent usually makes an initial effort to persuade the child to accept the parent's solution. When the child resists, the parent gives up or gives in, permitting the child to get his own way. (Child wins, parent loses)
In both methods the attitude of parent & child is, "I want to get my way & I'm going to use my power to get it" or "I'm going to get my needs met, even if the other person doesn't get his needs met." In both, one goes away feeling defeated & usually resentful or angry at the other for winning. But there's another way, Method III, which we could call the "No Lose Method":
Here is how Method III works:
When a conflict between parent & child occurs, the parent asks the child to participate in a joint search for some solution acceptable to both. Either may suggest possible solutions, which are then evaluated. A decision is made on the best solution. They then decide how it is to be carried out. No force or power is used. (No one loses)
Kids need limits, yes, but not limits imposed on them; rather, limits they choose to set on their own behaviour or limits that are mutually set. Giving up Method I does not mean a household without limits. It usually means more limits & rules--and they're more apt to be followed. Once parents understand this, they're not as tenacious in holding on to what they see as their power.
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The fewer rules you have the better. Don't make rules so hard that the child can't keep them. If you make the rules too hard, then they can get rebellious & throw them all to the wind!
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USING THE "NO LOSE" METHOD
First try the no lose method when there is no strong "here-&-now" immediate conflict--no strong emotions such as anger or frustration or resentment. Examples: "How shall we as a family spend our time together on this holiday weekend?" "When your friend Amy comes to visit next week, what sort of rules do we need to make your life pleasant, & ours too?" "How can we solve the problem of my having to wake you up 3 or 4 times in the morning to get you off to school on time?"
By starting with such "preventive problem solving" situations, not only will the method seem less complex, but parents will get a chance to see how willing youngsters are to accept solutions that will help their parents (provided, of course, their needs get met too).
Second, choose a problem that's making a child unhappy because his or her needs have not been met in the past. With such problems, the child really has something to gain from problem-solving. Examples: "You hate to have Mommy & Daddy tell you when to go to bed each night. Let's see if we can find some solution that will be acceptable to you & also to us." "You don't like eggs very much & I hate to nag you every morning. I'd like for you & me to find some solution so we'd both be happy."
Once kids have a few experiences when they gain a great deal from problem solving, they'll be much more willing to enter into problem solving when their parents are not getting their needs met.
One mother, a schoolteacher, summed up her feelings about the importance of problem solving with kids:
"It's kind of like being married, because if you're going to have a good relationship, you're always working on it. And you never let there be times when you can't be open & get things cleared up, if you want it to be a good thing. It's always successful, the problem solving, unless there's something that comes up & somebody is not willing to share their feelings so you can work it out."
UNREALISTIC SOLUTIONS FROM KIDS
Bear in mind that young children often lack the experience to visualise how easy or hard a task might be, so don't rigidly hold them to their first commitments.
Here is the story of a 5-year-old who made a commitment to go to bed at 7:30 pm when she was accustomed to staying up till 9 or 9:30 pm every night.
"I told Jan that in the morning when I wake her up she says she doesn't want to go to school because she's too tired. I said, `It's frustrating for me to keep coming in all the time & to help you get dressed. That cuts into my time to get dressed & your time to eat breakfast.' At any rate, she understood & we sat down & talked about it. She said she really is tired in the morning. It was so cute, because she doesn't know how to write but she said, `OK, let me write my suggestion down.' Right off she said, `I'll go to sleep right after you read me a story.' Well, that would make it 7:30 & she's been going to bed at 9 or 9:30 pm. To adjust would be impossible--a very unrealistic solution. So that night she got into bed at 7:30 pm, but after 5 minutes she said she wanted to put on a record. She did, but 5 minutes later she came out & said, `I don't think that was such a good solution.' So we gave her another try."
WHEN NEEDS ARE CLEAR, SOLUTIONS COME
Another problem solving, by 4-year-old Stan & his father, illustrated how important it is to understand a child's need & avoid a stalemate over competing solutions. Stan & his father were home alone; the mother & the 2-year-old had gone out of town for the weekend. The first day Stan & Daddy spent a lot of time doing things together. But now Daddy was beginning to feel frustrated over not getting his own work done.
STAN: Daddy, will you build a house with me now?
DADDY: I'm sorry, but I really feel like I need to do my own work now.
STAN: Please, just one more house, OK?
DADDY: You just aren't ready yet to play alone, are you?
STAN: (Pouting) No.
DADDY: You'd still like me to be with you.
STAN: Yes.
DADDY: But I really don't feel very good about playing any more right now. Maybe later.
STAN: Well, maybe you could do your work in my room.
DADDY: Well, I need to work here in the living room where all my books & papers are, & my comfortable chair.
STAN: (Pause) Would you help me move my blocks out here?
DADDY: You'd like to be in the same room with Daddy while I do my work?
STAN: Yes.
DADDY: OK. Let's go get your blocks.
Stan played with his blocks for a good hour or so. Daddy was able to get a good chunk of his work done, & this put both in the mood to play together later in the day.
PROBLEMS USUALLY HAVE MORE THAN ONE SOLUTION
Time after time, parents reported being surprised by their kids' creative capacity to come up with good solutions. We underestimate children in this respect because we have given them little chance to demonstrate their abilities. You can sense the mother's surprise in this incident:
"One of the problems we had was the kids coming in the back door with muddy feet. At first we made them go all the way around the outside of the house & come in through the garage. That was my solution. But they countered with the fact that they were cold & wet & it's a long way around, & would it be OK if they took off their shoes on the back porch & carried them into the muddy shoe box. It was not a solution I would have thought of. Once I had told them my solution it was chiseled in stone as law. But I got what I wanted even though it was not the solution I felt it had to be. They had a pretty good idea & it got them what they wanted & I got what I wanted. It was not a hassle anymore."
GETTING DOWN TO THE REAL PROBLEM
Here's an incident that reveals how active listening to the surface problem helped a toddler discover the real problem:
"It was a bad scene, Mel waking up & getting into bed with his parents around 3:30 am. That had to stop. So he told us, `I don't like to sleep in my bed.' But he used to love his bed & was thrilled with it when he got it. So we Active Listened & learned that his baby brother Greg was waking him up, it wasn't that he didn't like his bed. He said, `Well, we could leave Greg downstairs in his portacrib & then there wouldn't be a problem.' We answered, `But what if Greg woke up & he was all wet & cold & we couldn't hear him crying?' He saw that might be a problem, & finally we agreed that he could sleep on a bed in another room."
REGULARLY SCHEDULED MEETINGS
Some families institute regularly scheduled problem solving meetings, much like staff meetings in organisations. One mother described theirs:
"For years we had an agenda sheet posted on the cupboard door where everyone could see what we were going to problem-solve. We'd meet once a week, & I'd put down things on the list so everyone could start thinking about them. Also I let the kids add to the list, so they felt that they had a part in it too. We'd always write down our solutions & keep track of each problem in a folder & review it to see if it was still working for us. And that helped refresh the kids' memories--it was a reinforcement."
While the advantages of regular meetings are obvious, here are some guidelines for making them more effective:
1. Don't make them last too long. Remember how quickly kids get tired & restless.
2. Some conflicts need resolving right on the spot, so the regular meetings shouldn't replace sessions about conflicts that need to be resolved right away.
3. Use family meetings only for issues & conflicts involving all the kids. The other children get bored in a meeting when time is spent on conflicts between a parent & one child.
4. When the agenda is long, decide as a family which problems have highest priority & should be tackled first. Low-priority items can be carried over to the next meeting.
BE A GOOD CONSULTANT
If parents want to influence their children's values, beliefs & behaviour, they should take a leaf out of the book used by successful consultants:
Be Prepared with Facts & Information. Good consultants approach their job well prepared with convincing facts. They don't try to tell "the client" what he should believe or how he should act without marshalling evidence & knowledge that will convince the client he will be better off changing.
Parents often try to influence kids without adequate facts. Some advice: Stay out of the consultant role unless you have a lot of experience & are armed with convincing facts. (Editor: The ultimate "facts" are what the Word of God has to say on the subject.) People have to be convinced before they change, & remember again, kids are people!
First Get Hired as a Consultant. Good consultants make certain their clients are ready & willing to hire them as consultants--that they're in the right mood to listen & have time available.
1. Ask your kids whether they would be interested in hearing your facts & opinions.
2. Ask them at a time convenient to them as well as to you.
3. Tell them you have some valuable information which they might find helpful.
Leave Responsibility with Your Client. Good consultants only offer their experience & expertise, leaving it up to the client to decide whether to buy or reject. Good consultants share, they don't preach. They offer rather than impose their ideas. They suggest rather than demand. As children get older, parental authority, which worked well when kids were younger, suddenly becomes ineffective for the simple reason that parents run out of power if they don't have the Lord's power. Their teenagers are no longer willing to be bossed or bullied. To their dismay, parents discover their big guns have run out of ammunition.
WHY DO PARENTS NEED TRAINING?
It's puzzling that those who reject the idea of parent training readily accept the logic that if they wanted to become effective or competent in any other activity, they'd take lessons, get coaching, or enroll in a training program. Those who aspire to become good at tennis take tennis lessons from a pro, good bridge players almost invariably have taken bridge lessons, few people would go out on the ski slopes until after they'd had several lessons from a ski instructor. Most people accept the idea of getting professional help when they learn how to drive, sew, paint, be a gourmet cook, do interior decorating, learn to swim or fly a plane.
With parenthood it's different. People somehow assume they're going to be good parents when they get their children. Or perhaps they cannot accept that anyone knows enough to teach them what it takes to become a good parent. Whatever the case, a bit of training does help the parent, & it can help you as you "train up a child in the way he should go!"