RAISING SIBLINGS--By Carole & Andrew Calladine
"Siblings" is the name for brothers & sisters of the same parents--or they are children raised together as one family.
Here is a summary of a book on this subject that seems to offer some good common-sense advice & ideas for parents faced with the task of "raising siblings".
The ideas & examples given will naturally need to be "adapted" to fit & apply to your situation, but the general principles brought out in the book seem good advice to be applied not just to children but to adult relationships as well.
THREE METHODS OF RAISING CHILDREN
The book brings out that there seem to be three general ways that people raise their children.
1. The Heir/Heiress Approach: One child, usually the eldest son, is the favourite child. This child gets the most love & attention & usually gets his way as well. The other children are just secondary to the "heir" or "heiress". "I'm Number One and I am going to stay Number One!"
2. The Peers Approach: This method is considered to be the best one by the authors of the book. Each child is treated with equal respect & love & each is in his or her way special to the parent. The siblings are encouraged to develop mutual love, admiration & respect for each other rather than to feel threatened by the others. "My brother & sister are as important to my family as I am, but that's okay!"
3. The Competition Method: Each child must compete to win the parent's love, attention & approval. Life is a contest to outsmart, outdo, or in some way outshine their sibling rivals. Special talents in their sibling rivals are viewed as a threat to them, & an inconvenience because they will have to try extra hard to win the coveted prize of parental praise & attention. "I'm the favoured one today!"
THE THREE KINDS OF LEADERS
The book points out that there are three kinds of parental leadership, each of which may be useful to a parent at different stages in their child's development.
1. Autocratic: "My kids don't dare get out of line or else--whack!" This kind of leadership has been shown to be the most efficient & necessary in caring for very young children, but is not as good for older children & adult groups because when the leader is gone, the followers are the least motivated to keep things going, & become silly & aggressive & highly critical of each other as soon as "the cat's away".
Autocratic leaders tend to make people too dependent upon them. Then when they are gone their followers do not know how to work well together or support each other.
Autocratic parenting, however, is a must for very young children as they do not have the reasoning ability necessary for any other form of government, & strong control is necessary for their own safety.
2. Democratic: "Children need to work out their problems & learn to get along with each other as a family." People who encourage everyone to participate in important decisions & agree & come to a decision together are often preferred to other types of leaders. When children reach elementary-school-age they are more able to reason & be given a greater hand & involvement in solving problems. This is when the democratic approach to parenting works best.
3. Laissez-faire: "Don't worry, just ignore the problem & it'll go away or they'll eventually learn to grow up themselves." This more passive approach to child rearing should not really appear in our training, as even when the child is ready to go on his or her own & you know you have done your best to "train him up in the way he should go", you still have the responsibility to pray them through. Unfortunately, too many parents follow this method throughout the entire training period of their child.
SIX HELPFUL GUIDELINES (6 "C's" to keep in mind while raising your children)
Here are six C's to keep in mind while raising your children:
1. Control: Parents need to be in charge of their own family with the power to direct & regulate its members. A family is only as strong as its leaders. Direction comes through steady firmness. Do not get lost in the child's emotions by trying to understand or teach a child about misbehaving--leave trying to understand & teach for later & get control of the situation first. Children should learn to respond to signals from you as to when their behaviour is not tolerable--when they do, that is a sign of a good parent-manager. Physical force leaves both the child & the parent exhausted. Calmness produces calmness. Define the rules & see that they are enforced. Being in charge & in control is being a true parent! Stay in control, especially through words & deeds as a parent.
2. Clarity: Clarity in all areas of communication is essential in effective parental leadership. It is the key to understanding and getting rid of misunderstandings. Ask the child to repeat what you said, & echo what they said. Make sure everyone is hearing the same message. When you & your child agree that he should clean his room, make sure that "clean" means the same thing to both parties.
3. Constancy: Children thrive on parental steadiness. Your family rules will serve to "expect" & also regulate the children's behaviour. For example, a rule that allows no physical abuse of one another creates a sense of respect for each other. Young children need consistency & stability to make sense of their world. The child knows what to expect next. A good idea is to prepare a daily calendar for your preschool child either at bedtime or after breakfast. Label the name of the day according to the main activity of the day--shopping, freeday, Sunday, school, etc. As the child grows, a weekly calendar can be helpful to put life in order for him. Seeing the pattern of weekly routines helps the child to learn the family rhythm of life & see how he fits into the whole family fabric. You can put little symbols on special days: Smiles for freedays, candles for birthdays, crosses for devotional days, etc. Scrapbooks are nice for children to keep as well.
Be sure that your family has a nice consistent method, place or means of communicating when things don't work out as planned--messages should be left & received in a constant location so that in times when someone is gone, others will know where to look for the explanation, etc.
Try to make consistency a way of life & thinking--as a parent you should not say something unless you really mean to do it, especially in matters of promise & discipline.
4. Cooperation: Cooperation should become a family password. We are a family & we help each other. When the five-year-old needs his shoes tied in the morning, someone ties them happily even though he is perfectly capable of doing it himself. Why?--Just to be cooperative & loving. Cleaning should be a cooperative effort too, with all the jobs posted that need to be done, & the children choose their task for the day & do it before bedtime. Mom & Dad finish up the ones not done. No one becomes a maid or stuck into a slotted chore. Everyone takes turns & cooperates to make the home a nice place to live.
Cooperation needs to be a key word in the relationship between the parents too. Children need the protection of a strong parental partnership to really grow up trusting & loving. Parental rivalry over the children destroys this "safe" security & sibling "combat" will develop into a monster. Children need both parents united no matter what, otherwise they can begin plotting & attacking parental authority. Divided parents lose control of their family & they lose the respect of their children; parents' respect for each other helps children learn respect for each other. Deliberate favouritism of one child over another makes the favoured child feel guilty & the unfavoured one feel inferior--equal interest & involvement with each child is important.
5. Commitment: Commitment is the courage to see it all through. Parenting takes commitment & it doesn't come naturally, it grows from experience & determination to do the best you can for your children in spite of all the many problems we have to face daily. A committed parent will not just shrug his shoulders & accept a problem but go on the attack & see the problem through to a solution, whatever it may be.
6. Charisma: Charisma is the magical quality possessed by outstanding leaders that makes followers loyal & loving. Every parent has charisma, especially to your children, & they are waiting for your leadership. When you guide they will follow.
WHAT CAN BE DONE FOR NUMBER 1? (the oldest child)
Here are some notes & comments to help you & your older child survive the pains of sharing you with child number two.
* The older child, the first child, will need some extra love & help to get over his fear that a new little brother or sister has come along to take away his place & that now he is second best & you no longer want him around.
* The time to start preparing the older child for the new arrival is three to five months in advance.
* Be honest. Don't tell your first born that the new baby is "for him", but for the Lord and your family, and for the baby himself.
* Reassure your child that there is more than enough love to go around.
* Don't try to con your child into thinking that the new baby is going to be a special playmate for him, etc. because he will be very disappointed when he can't play with the new baby right away & the facts dawn on him & he realises that you haven't been honest with him.
* Try to take some special uninterrupted time each day to be with your first born & keep it up after the baby arrives. Action speaks louder than words.
* Your first child will always need special understanding, because this is the only child who ever had you just for himself & has the most difficult time accepting the new child. Reassure him of his own specialness to you and the family.
* The first child needs to have individual time with both parents. He needs to feel that he is important to you. Mommy also needs to take time for daddy too.
* Every child should be an only child in his parents' eyes. Every child is a special, unique, irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind, second-to-none person.
* Some parents think that if they obviously ignore the baby, even his cries, then this will encourage the older child that the baby is not so important to them. But this only makes the whole matter worse & hurts the new baby at the same time.
* From the very beginning, it is best to love & hold the new sibling without worrying about any feelings of jealousy stirring up. The older child expects you to love his sibling just the way you loved him & hopes that you will continue to love him.
* It is easier to learn to share if the child is expected to share from the beginning.
* It can be helpful to give either a son or a daughter a baby doll to hold for themselves, at the time when you are holding the baby--they imitate your behaviour, pretending to take care of the doll. Also they may be able to expend feelings of jealousy on the doll substitute rather than on the real thing.
* Imitative play can help the older child get through his feelings of anger, frustration & jealousy, if you let him or her play with a sock-puppet family, a Teddy bear family, or some set of toy people to be a family. A family of sock dolls seems to work best. Make them out of old socks or nylons & have your child help you make the appropriate hair & facial expressions.
WHEN THE INVADER ARRIVES
What to do when the baby invades the older child's play area:
* Be careful not to show that you favour one side or the other in the conflict by saying any of the usual responses: "She's only a baby! She didn't mean it!", "Bad baby!", "What can I do about it, she is into everything of mine too!", "You're a big boy! She's just a little girl. Leave her be!", "She was a naughty baby! Let's put her in her baby pen!"--All of these responses feed competition & jealousy.
* Express your sympathy to the older child. Hold the baby to reassure her & also to keep her from further taking over the first child's play world. Talk with the children about respecting each other's needs. Try to gently get the older child to understand the fact that babies are explorers who set off to find out about everything around them & don't think so much about who it may belong to or what it's for as we do.
* Provide a high tabletop, or a separate room or space where the older child or children can play in peace when they don't want to be disturbed by the baby. You should be able to find some special place, even if only a nice bright cozy closet where Number One can have a little privacy & security from the miniature invader.
* Try to get the older child involved in some fun floor play such as a game of tent hide-and-seek using a blanket draped over a table, etc.
* While baby naps, encourage the older child with some special play activities such as water painting, clay, cooking, scissors activities, etc. There should be some rewards for being the older child.
* It doesn't take baby very long to learn how to provoke her older brother or sister & get them to squeal, pinch or push them away so they can let out their own violent protest. What will baby's teary reward be for this?--Her parent's outraged show of love for them & great disapproval of the conduct of her older rival, whom she has now successfully cast into the bully role. This territorial problem is universal with all children so you should try to just stay calm and as matter-of-fact as possible & involve the older child in working out some solution.
YOU & YOUR CHILDREN
* Mommy may have to learn to relax! A new baby means a new set of priorities--so don't wear yourself out or get ragged worrying too much about all your old priorities. Put your energies toward new responsibilities.
* Avoid labelling a child, & putting name tags on children because of certain behaviour & mannerisms--expect the child to change & give him the opportunity to do so without being typecast by your stamping a label on him or her.
* Recognise that the hardest object for a child to share is you.
* Treat each child as an individual or an "only" child.
* Each child you have will need your time, care, attention, play, guidance & love.
* A child's first & most important relationship is with his parents.
* The parents' first & most important job in raising siblings is learning how to share themselves.
* Every son or daughter wants a parent's total love, complete attention and full approval.
* A parent is at the very center of sibling tension & competition.
* Each child has a right to feel that they are special to the parent & enjoy their own individual relationship with their parent.
* Children that are close to the same age tend to be lumped together like twins, & differences & individuality are not always brought out enough. Extra effort must be made to treat each child as an individual when children are close to the same age or lumped together.
* Parents must encourage children to really learn to appreciate the added blessing of having brothers & sisters--their special friends for life who make life richer & more interesting & will help them when in trouble.
* Do not try to be "fair & totally equal" to your children. This only makes the situation even more competitive, legalistic and makes "who gets what" a problem and breeds such murmurs and complaints as, "He got more!", "Mine's bigger!", "But I wanted to...", "I don't like this kind!", "Me first! Me first!" When children are treated the same rather than as individuals you will have to face many selfish sibling fires.
* Encourage children to shine in their own field of ability and interest with each of his or her own special needs and interests.
* To each according to his need. There is a richness of differences & differing needs between children. Do not deny them this individual recognition & treatment.
* Children treated all "equal" are the quickest to pick up & complain about any slip-ups in the way you raise the other children. "I didn't get to do that until I was twelve! How come he got a new shirt & I didn't?"
* You are still playing one child against the other when you go much out of your way to buy two of the same or similar items or provide matching experiences at the same time to make up for the privilege one child may suddenly seem to get over another. The key word is NEED. You can't buy everyone else shoes just because one child needs them. Don't go and buy substitute items just to appease a competitive spirit.--For love perhaps, & if it does seem like a nice surprise or a good thing to do, but not because you feel you must or someone will be angry.
* Children do not equate your love with things "given" unless you teach them this way of thinking yourself by teaching them to be too materially aware, score keeping, covetous and competitive. They need rather to believe that they will get their needs when they need them & as funds & opportunity make them available. Children who get their own needs worked on as they occur are reassured of their specialness in the family.
* Birthdays are special. If any day of the year should be your child's own special day in a big way, it is his birthday. Let him know how much he is loved & wanted. One gift is plenty if tailored to the child.
* Don't over-organise a child's day. Too much pressure leads to a tense family atmosphere. Let children have some personal choice in the matter even in an organised activity. (Editor: Of course, in large school groups, you need to organise most activities throughout the day. To avoid pressure & tension, allow extra time between activities, & schedule times where children can choose creative or other relaxing activities together.)
* Children should not be left alone together & expected to "manage" without some problems. Balance the amount of time they have to be together with special time spent with an adult friend or relative.
* When one or a few of the children are invited to a birthday party or have an opportunity to do something special or different from the rest of the children, prepare the ones who are left out well ahead of time to be able to cope rather than compete. Do not feel, however, that you have to go to great lengths to "make it up" with obvious special treatment as they do need to learn a little faith & fortitude. "Every dog has his day!" is the philosophy some parents apply here.
* Every sister or brother benefits from having his or her own separate friends, & they should be able to be together without sibling interference. The "friend" need not just be someone their own age but relatives such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, adopted relatives & the like all get along just fine with one child. Single out a child's time with a relative. They need personal time without sibling struggles to get to know & love each other.
* Clothing always gets passed down, but do make some allowances for a child to also get to choose some of the clothes he or she personally likes as well as to insure that they will have the chance to develop their own taste in clothing. Try to shop alone with the child and focus on what looks & feels best on him. He will feel that he is an original.
* Do what you think is best for each child.
* Tattling can be very, very good or very, very bad depending upon the situation & the motive & attitude of the child. Generally if a child tattles because he feels wounded by another child, he doesn't much appreciate being wounded by you too, by being reminded too quickly of his own guilt. He just wants the parent to hear him out & agree that, "Yes, that certainly wasn't the right thing to do." A little extra cuddle or attention will usually suffice. You do not want to give status to the tattler role, "the stool pigeon" who loves to inform to get others punished, especially those he is on the outs with or who dared to cross him. So do not go rushing out & get all angry at the other sibling. Let the "wounded" child return to the play circle at his own pace, comforted by your love & cuddles but not condemned for tattling. If the tattling is about a dangerous situation, you want to hear about it. (Editor: "Failure to report a crime is a crime!") But it is often the best policy to keep out of these little disagreements anyway. Who could ever really know what really did come first, or who started what, or fairly evaluate the million little other nuances that contributed to this event? The children themselves are really in the best spot to judge the matter.
* Children will pick up on the atmosphere of the home. What is life like in your home--positive, loving, hurried, tense, joyful, strained, competitive, legalistic, angry, content, creative, active, fearful of making a mistake, or encouraging?
RULES OF THE GAME
* A family's first rule about sibling behaviour: We do not hurt anyone in the family no matter how we are feeling. Everyone is safe--no hitting, biting, mean poking or scratching is allowed. Physical abuse of a sibling is taboo in the family! If a child is really losing self-control & is physically attacking a sibling, then some disciplinary action must be imposed.
* Family members need guidelines. You will always have to wrestle with questions & continue to have to change & grow together & seek out new answers & solutions to new questions.
* Make it a rule that each sibling must take responsibility for his or her own behaviour. If a sibling's possession is damaged, the offending sibling must try to undo the harm caused. The brother & sister will have to discuss the possibilities & work out a solution.
* Encourage your children to settle their difference with words & good deeds rather than with fists & misdeeds.
* Everyone must take responsibility for caring for another family member's possessions.
* Teach the children that if they own something, they need to have respect for it & take care of it. Valuable possessions need to be kept in a special place & not carelessly left out. If you leave something out where others can use or abuse it, you are partly to blame.
DISCIPLINE
* Discipline means "training that develops self-control, character or orderliness". The opposite of discipline is punishment. To punish means to "cause someone to undergo pain, loss, or suffering for a crime or wrong-doing."
* It is not easy to discipline. It is far easier to be an avenging parent. It is easiest of all to punish.
The following incident is a good example of a parent who disciplined rather than punished her child:
Mom was in the laundry room trying to get caught up after a long work week. Five-year-old daughter, Melissa, was crayoning & cutting books at the kitchen table while waiting to go out for lunch at a friend's. While Mom was folding clothes from the dryer, she could hear two-year-old brother, Jeremy, begin to cry & Melissa shushing him in the background. By the time Mother entered this scene, the brand-new shirt that Jeremy had proudly put on that morning was riddled with diamond cuts.
Mom said her instinct was to clutch Jeremy to her breast & then to scream & spank Melissa soundly. She curbed her first reactions. Instead she helped Jeremy take off his shirt & checked to see that he hadn't been cut. Seeing that he was okay, Mom then held up his shirt & asked Melissa what they should do about Jeremy's shirt.
Melissa didn't know. She looked frightened. She said she was sorry.
Mom poured a cup of coffee for herself & juice for the children & sat down at the kitchen table while possible solutions raced through her tired head. Cancel Melissa's plans to have lunch at her friend's? Make Melissa sew the shirt, as she had just been learning how to mend? Have Melissa give Jeremy a favorite shirt of hers?
Mom finally asked Melissa to bring her money to the table while Mom searched through her purse for the receipt for the new shirt. As Melissa had been saving for holiday gifts, she would be able to replace the shirt. With Mom's help, Melissa counted out the cost of the damaged shirt. This done, Melissa had only twenty-eight cents left.
Melissa was weeping. Mom was feeling mean but thought that Melissa was learning a valuable lesson in taking responsibility for her behaviour. They stopped at the store & replaced Jeremy's shirt before taking Melissa to her friend's for lunch.
On the following weekend mornings, Melissa was asked if she would like the responsibility of amusing her brother for an hour while Mom wrote some of her holiday cards. Mom would pay Melissa for this extra help. Melissa did & earned enough money to buy the things she needed to make her holiday gifts.
Melissa's mom feels good about her handling of Melissa's jealousy & abuse of Jeremy's new shirt.
"I feel I handled it right, particularly when Melissa said to me the other day, `Scissors are only for cutting some things. Mostly paper.' I don't think Melissa will cut any more clothes & my discipline diminished rather than created more antagonism between Jeremy & Melissa. It was a sensible solution to the problem."
* To become a disciplining parent requires hard work, fortitude, & creativity in the ways you discipline.
* An effective parent knows how to mediate in the family judicial system.
* Children need to learn how to bargain with each other while the parent mediates.
* One of the best ways to encourage sibling consideration & to de-emphasise rivalry is the use of a contract. A contact is an agreement to enter into mutual obligations.
This is a sibling problem I presented to one of our children, Mike, when he was three.
"Your baby brother, Brendan, is a light sleeper. He cannot sleep through noise as you can. The vacuum cleaner, songs, phone calls, all trigger his wake-up button & that makes taking a nap hard for Brendan. Your brother needs an afternoon nap of at least an hour or he is cranky until bedtime."
Mike agreed & continued to listen as he enjoyed a banana & milk, his favourite treat. (Providing some comfortable atmosphere at the bargaining table is an aid to finding a good solution. Refreshments at such meetings are always helpful at any age, as is your timing. Pick a time to have problem-solving discussions when everyone concerned is feeling relaxed. An amenable agreement is hard to reach in the middle of hurt feelings.)
"Since Brendan needs an hour nap to be fun when he wakes, we need to provide him with quiet time. Right now, you & I have quiet time when Brendan goes down for his nap. You play quietly in your room for a while & then there is a toppling of blocks, or the pretend play gets too loud, or the door slams as you dash into the bathroom. Then Brendan wakes & cries & cries. I know you're trying to be quiet, but it doesn't work. What are we going to do, Mike?"
"Let him cry?"
"We've tried that. He doesn't go back to sleep. Do you enjoy your brother when he is so cranky?"
"No."
"How can we provide him with the quiet he needs?"
* Sharing is the ability to enjoy something in common with others. Whether this be a laugh, a hug, or play, siblings need to share with brothers & sisters. If they don't, the home becomes divided by the siblings over fiercely defended possessions. Possessive jealousy will enmesh every brother & sister & selfishness will take over.
* Children should not be expected to share all toys & all possessions because every child should have a sense of self. Sharing should be put in a proper balance.
SIBLING DISCIPLINE TOOLS
1. Set the kitchen timer for a calming time when siblings must sit apart from each other. The timer successfully takes your nagging voice out of this discipline measure. Everyone is expected to be quiet till the timer rings & the sitting time is up. If the bickering continues afterward, a stronger discipline tool will have to be used.
2. Take away a relevant privilege from the siblings when house rules are abused.
3. Remove a fought-over object for a realistic period of time.
4. Securely hold from behind a physically attacking sibling who has momentarily lost control to assure every child that no one is allowed to hurt or get hurt.
5. Give suitable work assignments to all angry siblings to channel this aggression & to get some constructive use from this powerful drive.
6. Learn to ignore & stay out of sibling power plays for parental attention.
7. Have the children pick a number from one to 10 to see who is closest to the chosen number & therefore gets the first turn.
8. If at all possible, stop a growing struggle before it snowballs completely out of control.
9. Isolate the children until they can again indulge in good group play.
10. Isolate yourself if you are becoming an irrational parent. Disciplining siblings works best when you are in control & use a calm voice.
11. Praise the siblings for behaviour that deserves sincere applause.
12. Change the activity that is causing the sibling dispute. Give them something better to do.
13. Role play a sibling scene. Have the children change places to discover how the other sibling feels.
14. Teach your children the power of words to work out agreements, compromises, & contracts. Words can be the most powerful tool of all in raising siblings who are learning how to get along.
* When brothers & sisters are not able to get along they need to be separated & perhaps sent to separate corners of the room to cool off. (Editor: However, it would be best to make sure they have something specific to read or review, or a verse to memorise, so they don't just "stew" in resentment or waste time daydreaming.)
* A work assignment may be given to each one to serve two purposes--to burn off the excess anger & to help each child feel better about himself. (A child can't be all bad if he performs a good deed.)
* Children who fight (eg. hit, scratch, bite, etc.) could be separated from each other and isolated.
* The parent should let the child know that he or she does not approve of them "losing control of themselves" & that they expect different behaviour.
* Be calm & avoid harsh lecturing. Your child should be expected to handle his jealousy, although don't expect him not to be jealous.
* Whenever a child feels down, shaky, envious or threatened, jealousy crops up again. Try to show him some extra patience and not just the short end of your temper.
* When things have cooled down, a mediator can sit down with the children & help them discuss their differences.
* Intervene in the children's play if the noise gets more than you can tolerate. If the word of warning is not heeded, then send the children to separate rooms or to reading retreats.
* When talk no longer works then separate them & take away the privileges that they were abusing.
* Where possible make the responsibility for finding a solution to sibling problems rest on their own young shoulders.
* When parents take over too much & too often the children never learn how to cope for themselves. For example, have them discuss the problem with you there as a mediator to listen to the problem & list the solutions that they come up with until a good compromise is reached.
You teach children to compromise through discipline measures. But let's first clarify that siblings don't always feel like compromising. Let's look at the example of a driveway.--Each brother wants his own way & both want the driveway. One wants the driveway to play basketball & one wants to play fireman there.
The basketball player may stare his intruding sibling down in an attempt to keep the driveway. And sometimes this staring down succeeds. Other times, the driveway isn't used by either because no one gives in. A compromise isn't reached & they spend their time arguing over the driveway rather than using it. Or these brothers may choose to settle the use of the driveway with their fists. But in our family that is the quickest way for everyone to lose the use of the driveway & will result in a lengthy work assignment for each from the parent who breaks the fight up. They know there are better ways to settle sibling differences.
Therefore, our children must learn how to bargain with one another. Problems are often brought to the parent--who doesn't solve them. Instead the parent turns the problem over to the siblings. As a mediator, you listen carefully as each sibling states his side, & suggests his compromise. The parent talks, but only to restate the problem calmly & list the siblings' proposed solutions. The parent ignores the rest of the verbiage & helps the children focus on the issue. This is what you as the mediator should try to do.
Usually the siblings reach a compromise eventually. If they can't, the mediator parent suggests they do something else until a bargain can be struck. If you can't compromise, both lose out. No one may use the driveway. Children of any age understand this message.
You can begin to teach how to compromise when the children are toddlers. However, a parent acts more as an autocrat than a true mediator with very young brothers & sisters to provide the needed control since self-control is only shakily understood in toddlers:
A two & and four-year-old are fighting over the use of a red ball. (Two-year-olds have not yet reached the age where they can share willingly.) (Editor: Although by two, children can already have learned a lot about sharing if they've been constantly & lovingly taught to.)
The parent must actively step in & separate the sparring siblings. Remove the ball. This red ball may be put away the rest of the morning or afternoon to be shared another day. A brief--& we mean brief as we are discussing toddlers--exchange of other solutions by parent & children may follow. One solution may be chosen & tried as one last chance instead of the removal of the ball.
* Try to avoid setting yourself up as the judge & arbitrator for everything as the children then become too dependent & make less of an effort to work things out on their own.
* Encourage your children as a group when they are playing together, but you may need to single out a child for extra time & attention if they seem to be consistently having a problem--then you need to take time to get to the bottom of his or her problem.
* Parents should take an active role in preventing fights by changing the pace, distracting the children, or becoming involved with their activity when tensions seem to be building up to the boiling point.
* Time is a great healer--especially of tempers. So when a rumble has broken out between older siblings, set the timer for a period of absolute quiet & calm while they all sit in different chairs or on a different step. Make sure that they are far enough away from each other so that they will not be able to kick or hit at each other & start it all over again.
* Learn when to ignore a situation & when you must get involved. Generally children should know that it is their own responsibility to work out their own relationships, & let them know the quality of the relationship that you expect between them. You are of course encouraged to interject a word of praise to them when they are doing well.
* Remember that your sermon will only travel as far as your own personal sample carries it--unless you too admit that you are having the same problem & are also reaching for the stars together with them.
SIBLING CONTRACTS
"Contracts" are great arrangements to make between children & can be useful "tools" in being able to agree & be agreeable. Here are some steps that you will need to consider in making a "contract":
1. Any contract needs to be clear and usually it just covers one definite thing or item to be shared.
2. Get one contract working & in operation before attempting any further "contracts". They are for important issues & more serious matters only.
3. All parties involved must be brought together when making up a contract.
4. Everyone needs to be fairly represented so that they will feel all things are fair & will be very cooperative in letting others take their turn.
5. Clearly define the purpose of the contract & be sure that everyone agrees that that is their hope as well. Counter purposes will destroy the effectiveness of any contract.
6. Allow for plenty of discussion where everyone gets their say & no one person is allowed to dominate. Get a good variety of ideas--children usually make harder rules for themselves than parents would ever lay down.
7. Once you have reach a majority approval for an idea you can begin to clearly go through the terms of the contract.
8. The next step is to put the contract in writing to keep "memories" from slipping.
9. Date the contract & provide for a renewal date or re-evaluation opportunity.
10. The actual signing of the contract is important. Children value their signatures (or their "mark"), & this act calls for an active sign that a bargain has been made & they are pledging to uphold it.
11. Post the contract in view as a visual reminder of their agreement even if not all the children can read.
12. Contracts teach the "hows" & "whys" of sharing. A good contract promotes a climate of sibling consideration. Brothers & sisters are in a constant state of mutuality, highly dependent on each other, as all have an equal interest in sensible sibling living together.
CONTRACT re: USE OF FAMILY STEREO
Goal: To ensure everyone's pleasurable use of the stereo & to protect its value to us.
We, the undersigned, agree to the shared use of a family stereo deck. The following rules will govern the use of the set:
Rule #1. Each person is allowed use of & access to the stereo once per day for one hour.
Rule #2. A weekly sign-up sheet will be posted to reserve time.
Rule #3. Others may be present during these periods only at the invitation of the person in charge during that hour.
Rule #4. If asked to, by the person designated for that hour, others must agree to leave the area.
Rule #5. If no one else is interested in using the set, a person may extend his or her hour.
Rule #6. Never will anyone allow the noise level to exceed what is comfortable for others in the home.
Rule #7. Individuals must be responsible for leaving this area clean & neat for others. This includes returning tapes to their proper place. Failure to observe this rule will result in the loss of use of the stereo for one week.
Date__________ Signed__________
Renewal Date__________ __________
__________
The second contract example is one worked out by a single-parent family outlining the morning ritual needed to get everyone out of the house on time without jangled nerves & bickering.
CONTRACT re: MORNING COUNTDOWN
Goal: To get mornings organized & running cooperatively.
1. Clothes for the day will be laid out the night before. Any missing buttons or shoes will be searched for & secured the evening before.
2. Everyone will be responsible for getting their own breakfast of either cereal, toast or toaster items. (Elaborate breakfasts are for weekends.)
3. When finished with breakfast, dirty dishes will be rinsed & placed in the dishwasher.
4. We will leave the house at 7:30 exactly. Anyone who is not ready will have to put remaining clothing items in a paper bag to put on in the car & come as they are.
5. Any family member who is not ready by 7:30 exactly more than two times in a week will have to go to bed an hour earlier the next week to have more time to be rested & get ready on time.
I agree to this contract.
Signed________________
________________
Date___________ Renewal Date__________
The third contract is drawn up by a parent who wants to throw a searchlight on a repetitive sibling misbehaviour problem. This parent hopes that by contracting, the siblings will be forced to enforce their own rules on this troublesome, repetitious behaviour.
CONTRACT re: OUT-OF-SORTS HOLIDAY BEHAVIOUR
Goal: Reduce sibling fighting. There are too many hurt feelings & upsets ever since this Spring vacation started.
1. If you tease, hit or get a fight started with your brother, both brothers are responsible.
2. Both brothers will go to their own room (no other place) for a period of 45 minutes. The kitchen timer will be set to determine the 45 minutes.
3. If you don't go immediately with no further argument, you will get an additional 30 minutes in your room.
I agree to this policy.
Signed_______________
_______________
Date___________This contract will be in effect for the reminder of Spring vacation.
This contract did emphasize to the brothers in this family that this parent had had it. This message did sink in as the contract only had to be put into effect once.
After going through the formal contract process a few times, your siblings will be clearer on how to compromise. A parent will often hear these kinds of informal bargains.
"If you'll get a pair of socks for me, I'll shoot a few baskets with you."
"Let's set the timer. I'll use it for ten minutes, then it's your turn."
WHAT ABOUT THE DIFFICULT CHILD?
* Why are children different even if they are raised in the same environment by the same parents? The question to ask is--are you as a parent or childcare worker thinking that to be different means to be bad? Why would you want all your children to be the same?
* High achievers in all fields often say that as children they were "different" from the rest of their family--even considered to be the odd one, the misfit, the "black sheep". So being different does not necessarily mean being bad.
* Facing facts about our differences & confessing them & being more open about them with the people we must work with, can help clear up a lot of temper, frustration & discord.
* No one likes to feel that they are always "failing" in someone else's eyes--this will only breed guilt, anger & a critical attitude towards others.
* Turn your differences from each other into an enriching coexistence by accepting the differences & thinking positively about them rather that turning them into a battle ground.
* The family scapegoat is every family member's dumping ground. That person can't seem to turn around without being blamed or condemned for something. However, if a person lives too long in a situation where they can't seem to do anything right or really ever please anyone or be accepted, their self-image becomes distorted & they have no escape. They become weakened, sickly, emotionally ill, delinquent, or a host of other personal problems pop up, depending upon how they react to this condemnatory or belittling treatment from others.
* Sometimes it is not a child's different nature that singles him out & makes him seem harder for the parent to handle but it is often that the child's temperament is very much like the parent, or shows signs of having characteristics that the parent feels guilty about or rejects in himself.
* Bed-wetting can often be a child's way of fighting back, protesting or getting even with a loved one for real or imagined grievances.
* Stay positive towards all the children and your family unity will keep growing. Parental favoritism can really split children up.
* It is not possible to parent each child the same, & there will be personality differences, but the parents must stay positive about each child.
* The birth order of children has a great effect on the child's life--the first borns, the middles and the lasts. Middle-born children sometimes do not accept this fact of birth order very well & may seem to float around trying to find their place in the family.
* First-born children often feel too much responsibility foisted on them for the siblings--but it is a fact that this extra responsibility given the first-born explains why leaders are often first-born children.
* Last-born children seem to like their place as the last comer and being the baby & special & don't have some of the competition problems older children feel. They usually get more attention than the other children. Mom & Dad are more relaxed & experienced & enjoy them more, & older children often enjoy doing things for them & taking them places. As adults, last-born children are found to be the most stable, independent, & trustworthy as a group.
* Middle-born children are more competitive & feel they have to struggle for what they get. They like to join clubs & groups, say the academics. "Comparison" is the byword of a middle-born child.
* Younger brothers & sisters need to learn how to be in charge too even if an older sibling is there to back up the parenting role.
* Firstborns must not be overburdened, & responsibilities must be tempered to also give them enough free time as well.
* Everyone needs to be babied on occasion--even adults love a back rub, a hot drink, a hug, a kiss. Even if an older child ducks away from it, they love the offer & the demonstration of parental love.
* Feeling secure is a baby's birthright, but sooner or later you have to nudge them from the nest a little. The baby is not easily broken & can be handled quite well by siblings without you having to go through great fears for the baby's safety. You need to let the baby grow up in the sibling group too. But consider: How much protection does he need? Can the baby look after himself with his siblings?
* All brothers & sisters need to develop the responsibility inherent in the firstborn's role. They need to feel the trusting relationships & lack of pressures found in the last-born's role. And they need to feel a little of the searching for their place inherent in the middle-born's role to struggle to find out their own worth no matter what the situation is like.
* Do away with the "all or none" family rule of having fun. Some things are no longer fun if everyone is forced to come along together--someone convinced against their will is of the same opinion still, & it can dampen the amount of fun others get out of what they really like to do.
* Rivalry can become heightened when everyone is forced to do & participate in the same activity--the "all or none" rule. Some children find that they just can't keep up & it only makes matters worse when they see how they are spoiling it for others, and develop all sorts of behaviour.
* Children like to experience different roles in the home. Children like to even be the "outside" boss sometimes, where suddenly they are the commander-in-chief & give the orders.
* Families need to have Rest & Recuperation time (R&R times). Make this a time for your family. The family is the best place to find our identities, our purpose, our reason for living. It is a place where we can recharge our batteries for living.
MORE NOTES & COMMENTS
* Children with too much of anything get slovenly--too many toys strewn about, unorganized & in disrepair, games & activities here & there, mostly in pieces. Children have to see beyond the junk heap. Help them by building shelves & special places for everything & get their lives organised--you may even get so organised as to set up a toy lending library.
* Surroundings are important. Well cared for surroundings teach that caring for others is an important value shared by your family. A tidy home improves the children's behaviour & growth. Children can be your helpers, & little ones will enjoy helping Mom fill up the "lost & found" basket at clean-up time.
* When your living quarters are cramped, look for ways to expand--parks, community recreation facilities, outings, etc.
* Remember that our attitudes are contagious. Children are deeply affected by the moods of their parents. Negative moods & depressions in those around them can begin to permanently affect a child's personality.
* Anger spreads like fire. If you are angry, be sure to label it for the children to understand what it is & what is causing it. Honesty about our feelings will help the children to understand. Cool down, & try not to do anything with others while you are angry. It will help the children learn to keep their own anger & other reactions in check also.
* "Test the wind" before rushing into something with the children--don't go looking for trouble by doing things at the wrong time. Tickling games & wrestling before bedtime is asking for trouble.
* When a child is really looking forward to doing something or having some free time, don't force him to do something else right then if you can possibly avoid it.
* Don't pop decision-making questions on children, like what they would like to do, when a feud is on.
* Suggestions for difficult times: Order a pizza if both Mom & Dad are too tired to cook--turn the tiredness into a party. Take a hike in the park if the children are restless & can't find anything to do. If children's free play seems to be getting out of hand, start cleaning on the outskirts of the "battle zone". There's nothing like the influence of calming work to put an end to nonsensical behaviour.
* Babies must learn how to manage on their own too sometimes--if we fuss with them & entertain them their entire waking hours, they will become very dependent & demanding & will not learn how to amuse themselves.
* Have a nice quiet hour after the large meal of the day, a rest hour. It's a nice time for you & the children to "catch up with yourselves" through a nap, reading or drawing. (Editor: Listening to a Scripture tape, quiet prayer & planning time, etc.)
* Try fitting in extra fun time--holidays like "extended weekends" for doing something special.
GIFTS
* Gifts should be personalised so that the gift & the child fit together, in a sense, so that it is obvious that the gift really belongs to a certain person because it suits him or her.
* Parents can duplicate some gifts for their children when the children are older & duplication seems appropriate. (doll figures, skates, play equipment, pocket knives, walkie-talkie for hikes, bicycles, etc.)
* Many gifts can be shared. A gift that everyone is continually wanting to use is a disaster area if it is given to one child & would be better as group gifts that can be shared by all (e.g. gym mat, table game, building & construction toys, basketball hoop, etc.) One may use it more than the others do, but it is still free for all to get the opportunity to use, play with & care for.
* By presenting gifts as family gifts, parents eliminate envy yet can fulfill a personal request (e.g. stereo, tape recorder, toboggan, boat, train set, hair dryer, toy tea set, football, bicycle, toy car, etc.)
* Children learn a lot about sharing by working out a formal contract when they all want to use the shared toy. Rules about when, where & who gets to use the item can be worked out from day to day by the children themselves as much as possible.
PLANNING PAYS
* The worst time of the day for toddlers is the 4 to 6 afternoon hours when they are tired, meals are being cooked, & cooperative play is at a low ebb. Try to involve the children as helpers, or plan some simple meal that you can prepare in the morning, or have some responsible older child play with the child. They need active guidance during this time.
* Try to get up before the children & enjoy a little quiet time to prepare yourself for the day. The wise teacher is in the classroom before the children arrive to control the situation.
* On afternoons when you feel just too harried, try having an afternoon family "cocktail" hour complete with pre-cut carrot sticks, cheese, crackers, nuts & juice; giving everyone a chance to unwind.
* Plan a balanced day. An experienced teacher will have group activities interspersed with study & creative free time.
FAMILY FUN & PLAY
* The wise parent will recognise the value of daily planning & programming to create order in the home & direction for the children.
* Play is a very important activity for children. They learn new physical & mental skills as well as the rules of life. Make time for your family to play together.
* Children learn a great deal just through play. In addition to sharing & considering others, they learn fairness in games, new skills, getting along & making friends, plus store up many wonderful memories.
* Fun should be a priority for any family. It shatters bad moods & built-up grudges, and needs to be on the top of every family's list of priorities--so take time just to have fun together.
* If older children are becoming a bit too combative, then organise a game where the children are on one team against one of the parents. Then they have to work together. Any good physical activity is a release for built-up sibling aggression.
* When brothers & sisters are drifting apart & becoming too involved in individual interests & activities, then plan a family outing.
* Learning to look at & identify children's needs is rule number one.
* Make the family fun that you planned to have happen, & not dependent upon external factors such as weather--change your plans a little to still make things work out.
* Fun doesn't just happen; it is always someone's initiative or planning that brings it about. Look at what the need is & what would be enjoyable for all.
* Just as it is not right to let one person ruin everyone else's fun, so must a parent carry the thing through even when they don't feel like it.
* Build your family's program around the parents' skills so that the parent is not attempting an activity that he or she dreads or dislikes.
* Children who do not like a certain activity or are ruining it for others should be asked to sit out the game or be returned home with a sitter to teach them the greater value of getting along rather than enjoying the fact that he or she is so powerful that they can prevent the whole family from having fun together.
* Children do not do well when they are overwhelmed. Plan your activities to be within the skill level of the children & familiar enough to them to be handled without becoming unglued, or where bad tempers & extreme emotions will be involved. For example, don't make Christmas the one big gift-giving occasion of the year, it's too hard on children.
* Build on what is familiar to the child as far as activities go, so that they can have fun & know that the rules of good behaviour still apply.
* When you plan an activity try to put a little extra "glamour" into the program to give the children a little special feeling of anticipation & eagerness to begin with. The "glamour" in the planned program need not necessarily cost more, but rather just be some special break from the routine.
* Fun ideas to try: Finger painting with shaving cream on the kitchen table, a treasure hunt in the backyard, dress up warm & go out & watch the stars, etc. There are lots of fun things to do all around us that are free or inexpensive.
* Program your family times together to be more than just eating & watching television. Build a real family fun-time-together program around the needs of the children--it makes being a parent fun!
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Some would gather money
Along the path of life,
Some would gather roses,
And rest from worldly strife;
But I would gather children
From among the thorns of sin,
I would seek a golden curl
And a freckled, toothless grin.
For money cannot enter
In that land of endless day,
And roses that are gathered
Soon will wilt along the way.
But oh, the laughing children,
As I cross the sunset sea,
And the gates swing wide to Heaven
I can take them in with me!
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