COMMUNICATION!--Key to Your Teens--By Norman Wright & Rex Johnson
How To Trust Your Teenager
Be Kind. Webster's dictionary defines "kind" as sympathetic, gentle, benevolent. Not only does Ephesians 4:32 tie forgiving to kindness, but so does Psalm 86:5 which says, "For Thou, Lord are good, & ready to forgive, & plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon Thee." Forgiveness springs much easier from an attitude of kindness than from an attitude of defensiveness.
When we feel threatened, we naturally get defensive. Replacing defensiveness with kindness means we become vulnerable to being taken advantage of again. That's why being kind is sometimes very difficult. It takes an ability to be gentle rather than tough. It takes a strong person to be gentle, & sometimes we don't feel strong. But we are called by Scripture to be kind, so we are promised strength as well. Psalm 28:7 says, "The Lord is my strength & my shield; my heart trusts in Him, & I am helped; therefore my heart rejoices, and with my song will I praise Him."
Be tenderhearted. Being kind implies some vulnerability. But being tenderhearted implies even more vulnerability. It means we can absorb some hurt so our teenagers can grow. It means letting our walls down & inviting our family to feel our emotions with us. It also means feeling their emotions with them. When we can be tenderhearted, it becomes much easier to forgive.
The opposite of tenderheartedness is hardness of heart. In Mark 10:5 Jesus says hardness of heart was the reason Moses wrote the law on divorce. In other words, tenderhearted couples don't need divorce. Tenderhearted people can forgive. The same is true of parent-teen relationships. It takes tenderhearted, forgiving parents to develop tenderhearted, forgiving teenagers.
Different Frequencies
It is important that our messages are true to our meaning in order for us to be understood & for us to understand others. Too many people give bent messages or stereo messages--speaking out of both sides of their mouth at the same time. The Word of God says that we are to "speak the truth in love" (Eph.4:15).
To make sure that your message means what you want it to mean, check your tone of voice & your nonverbal behaviour. These two features are better indicators of what you mean & feel than the actual words you use. If you say to your teenager that you're really interested in what went on at school on a certain day, & you say it in a flat tone of voice with your head buried behind a magazine, will he really believe you? Would you believe it? One researcher stated that the actual words we use in our face-to-face conversation makes up only 7 percent of our message while the tone of voice accounts for 38 percent & the nonverbal aspect 55 percent.
If this is true, what is our tone of voice saying to the other person? If we claim that we are in control & are not angry, is our tone a giveaway? What does our body posture say to our teenager as we talk? Do we slouch, stand with hands on hips, slam the cupboards as we talk to him, cross our arms, turn our back on him, or raise our eyebrows when we say, "And where have you been?" All of these behaviours & actions send a message.
One of the main concerns I hear coming from parents is this: "Why can't my teenager act like an adult? I wish I could depend on him. I've got to get on his case again & again!" My answer doesn't entirely solve the problem but it can help. Why not treat the teenager more as an adult & show a belief in his capabilities instead of responding to him as a person younger than he actually is? But you say, "If he would act like an adult, then I would treat him like one!" Perhaps our belief & trust in a person would release him to mature faster.
Often we limit the development of an individual by our constricted view. We don't allow him enough behavioural freedom or speak to him as an adult. Often our communication pattern reflects a parent speaking to a child instead of two adults talking together. Why not respond to his potential & guide him along? First Corinthians 13 speaks of "love believing the best..." Could we use this to see what our teenager will develop into down the road?
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We are your children. Out of the infinite we have come to you, and through you. We are the old, yet ever new, miracle of incarnation.
Give us a chance to grow, within the warmth of your unfailing love, into souls sensitive to beauty, hearts open to love and hungry for the imperishable values of life. Do not shrink & wither us with fear, but quicken with faith the springs of courage within us.
Enter with us, through the gates of wonder, into the wider perspectives of the morrow. Accept us, as we grow, into a fellowship of mutual respect & shared responsibilities, that we, in our turn, may be worthy fathers & mothers of the coming generation.
--W. Waldemar W. Argow
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Put On Your Headphones
Jesus said, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear." Three times in the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus made this statement (Mat.11:15; 13:9,43). You & I are called upon to be listeners. There are hundreds of verses in the Scriptures that talk about hearing or being heard.
The Psalms reflect the listening & hearing qualities of God Himself. Psalm 34:15 & 17 says, "The eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous, & His ears are open unto their cry...The righteous cry, & the Lord heareth & delivereth them out of all their troubles."
Did you know that:
--One of the greatest complaints that adolescents mention is their parents do not listen to them?
--One of the major complaints made by parents about teenagers is the lack of listening & response they receive from them?
--Most people do not really know what is meant by listening nor have they received any training to become better listeners?
--The Scriptures command us to be ready listeners?
--If we are not totally open in our communication in our families, we are not only limiting our relationships with one another but we will stifle our own Christian growth & our growth as members of the body of Christ?
Total Listening
No one can accurately estimate the value of listening. As parents, one of the greatest gifts that we can give to our children is total listening. Paul Tournier put it this way: "How beautiful, how grand & liberating this experience is, when people learn to help each other. It is impossible to overemphasise the immense need humans have to be really listened to. Listen to all the conversation of our World, between nations as well as those between couples. They are, for the most part, dialogues of the deaf."
Dr. S.I.Hayakawa said, "We can, if we are able to listen as well as to speak, become better informed & wiser as we grow older instead of being stuck like some people with the same little bundle of prejudices at 65 that we had at 25.
"By consistently listening to a speaker, you are conveying the idea: `I'm interested in you as a person, & I think that what you feel is important. I respect your thoughts, & even if I don't agree with them, I know that they are valid for you. I feel sure that you have a contribution to make. I'm not trying to change you or evaluate you. I just want to understand you. I think you're worth listening to, & I want you to know that I'm the kind of person that you can talk to.'"
The Bible expresses these thoughts about listening: "He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly & shame unto him." (Proverbs 18:31). "When the scorner is punished, the simple is made wise; & when the wise is instructed, he receiveth knowledge" (Proverbs 21:11). "Let every man be swift to hear (a ready listener)..."(James 1:19).
What do we mean by listening? When we are listening to another person we are not thinking about what we are going to say when he stops talking. We are not busy formulating our response. We are concentrating on what is being said.
Do you ever listen with your answer running around inside, so that you are just bursting to let it fly? When your son or daughter is involved in sharing something with you, do you ever think that you know what is going to be said & complete the statement or question for the other person? To communicate, we don't have to answer for the other person. Nor do we have to formulate our own responses. All we have been asked to do is to patiently absorb & take in what is being shared. We may have a tendency to become angry or even threatened with what our teen is sharing, but we must hear him out.
Interrupting another person is another way of showing that we are not really listening. Interruptions can be verbal, but the nonverbal interruptions are even more annoying. The impatient look, the sigh, the wandering eyes, the crossing of the arms, the drumming fingers against the chair or table--all of these are basically saying, "Are you through? I'm not really listening & I want to talk."
This is one of the best opportunities that we will even have to be welcomed into their world & experience it through their eyes! One of the ways in which we can show whether we are totally tuned in & giving full attention is how we listen with our bodies. Have you ever thought of how you listen with your hands? What do your hands say to your teen about your listening to them when they are sharing with you when you:
--Straighten up the room or rearrange the papers on the counter?
--Shuffle the pages of the paper or turn page after page of the magazine?
--Look around the room or shift your gaze from person to person or object to object?
--When we use our hands or arms in listening we will find ourselves touching the other person or putting our arm around him. We can tell a person that we are ready & willing to be a listener (as it states in James 1:19) by stopping what we are doing & turning to him with our ears, our eyes, & the rest of our body. This is part of what we can mean by total listening.
Derailing the Listening Process
There are several major distractors to the process of listening.
One distractor is that sometimes we do not care enough to want to know what is going on in our teenager's life. Listening is a form of loving & really caring. This is one of the ways God expresses His caring for us--through listening.
Another reason why we do not listen as we should is that our teenager may be expressing things that we do not want to hear. So we tune him out & put our mind on automatic pilot. Perhaps someone has reacted to you in this way. You shared with him previously about a subject, then when you bring it up again he says, "You never said that. You're wrong. You never once talked about that. I remember." Well, you did talk about it but he had his filter system on & just tuned you out. If this ever happens to you, repeat what you said & ask if he understands. If sometimes you do this, ask the other person to repeat what he said.
One of the main reasons that we have difficulty listening is that physiologically we can listen five times as fast as we can speak. If you can listen at 400 words a minute & your teen is speaking at 120 words a minute, this extra capacity is distracted from the speaker & you may become bored or prepare your rebuttal.
Increasing Your Listening Ability
What can you do now? How can you increase your listening ability? You can listen with your ears, eyes, & your total body. Observe your teenager when he is talking. Look at him. Listen to his tone of voice & his feelings as he shares with you.
Don't interrupt. Concentrate on what your teenager is saying at this point in time & don't recall other conversations which might affect how you listen. Don't hurry him. You might be one who speaks at 200 words a minute & he speaks at 80, but let him proceed at his own pace.
It helps to pick some appropriate times when you want to talk with him. If you are really too busy, let him know that you will set aside time at 7:00 to listen to him & you won't let anyone else interrupt you at this point. Above all, be willing to hear his hurts & upsets.
How's Your Humour Quotient?
Humour can clear the air & bring relief from tension & anxiety or it can create hostile reactions in your teenager. The phrase, "I was just kidding, can't you take a joke?" can be a sore spot if a teenager hears it too often from his parents. Proverbs warns, "As a madman who casteth firebrands, arrows & death, so is the man who deceives his neighbour & then says, `Was I not joking.'" (Proverbs 26:18-19).
Using humour flippantly when your teenager is depressed or discouraged will deepen the discouragement. He may believe that you don't care & that you can't see the problem from his perspective. Humour & joking have their place, but timing is very important. Proverbs 15:23 states, "A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, & a word spoken in due season, how good is it!"
Humour can be used as a weapon if we constantly make the other person the goal of the jokes or if we use joking to make ourselves look good or appear superior. Sarcasm, ridicule, & flippancy are destructive under most circumstances.
Some teenagers have complained that their parents are never serious enough to have a discussion. They especially don't want a comedian around to cheer them up after a breakup with a girl or boy friend or after a setback in school. But neither do they appreciate the "great stoneface" who never cracks a smile.
Parents can put a damper on an atmosphere by being overly serious & concerned. A balance must be maintained.
There are many bright spots in life, & perhaps our teenager can help us see them if we view life through his eyes with him!
Kute Kids!
Little Kim knelt by his bed with his mother to pray. Suddenly he began to call, Mother! Mother!"
Mother only replied, "We're praying, tell me later." When they finished, Mother asked him, "What was wrong?"
"Nothing now," said Kim, "but you were kneeling on my fingers."
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Guests were visiting for Sunday dinner, and Marty had embarrassed her mother by misbehaving. Her punishment was to eat her dinner alone at a small table in the corner of the dining room.
The rest of the family and guests paid little attention to her until they heard her saying grace before eating: "I thank Thee, Lord, for preparing a table before me in the presence of mine enemies."
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