TEACH YOUR CHILD DECISION MAKING--By John F. Clabby, Ph.D. & Maurice J. Elias, Ph.D.
PREFACE
With society as complex & demanding as it is today, it is more important than ever that children learn to deal with troublesome situations when their parents are not around. It is not enough to provide children with academic tools. Some means must be found to help children establish a foundation that will not erode beneath the force of society's demands.
Children must learn a specific strategy for responding to problems. Emphasis should be on thinking through problems, trying one's best & using mistakes as important information for making better plans in the future. This decision-making curriculum is viewed as a fourth R.
PART ONE--GIVING YOUR CHILDREN THE TOOLS THEY NEED
Getting teased, being dared to do something risky & feeling left out of a school activity are all examples of everyday problems that confront children. How are children prepared to handle situations such as these? What tools do they need to cope with problems & make decisions? And how do parents try to guide their youngsters toward sound, sensible, growth & independent functioning in an increasingly complex World?
Parenting Styles
What is the most frequent way I respond to a problem that my children might have? When we better understand our parenting approach, we will be better able to consciously use our parenting skills in a controlled fashion to teach decision making to our children. Look at the situations that follow & write down on a piece of paper the letter of the response that you think you would make.
1. Your child has just come home from school. She has finished eating her snack & has gone outside without cleaning up after herself.
A. You say, "I feel frustrated when I have to keep after you about cleaning up. I know you must be tired of it too."
B. You decide to let her dish & glass stay where they are. You don't clean them up for her but leave them for her to take care of when she comes back. She doesn't get anything else until these items are put away.
C. You remark, "It will take you two minutes to clean up your dish & glass. Why don't you just come in now & get it over with."
D. You approach her & say, "What will happen if you don't clean your plate up?"
2. You are at a picnic with other families whom you know. You notice that your child is sitting away from groups of other children who are playing kickball & softball. Your youngster, not participating, looks sad to you.
A. You move alongside your child & say, "It looks like you're feeling a little sad because you're not playing with the others. I've felt that way too sometimes."
B. You realise that being "left out" sometimes happens to both children & to adults. Because your child is going to have to handle these situations on his own when you are not there, you decide to watch & not get involved at this time.
C. You quietly move over to your child & suggest, "If you would like to play, maybe you could ask one of the children if you could join in."
D. You sit down next to your youngster & say, "I wonder what ideas you can think of that will help you get the other children to include you."
3. The family is having dinner together. Your son does not like his dinner & is ignoring it, talking instead.
A. You turn toward him & say, "It's hard when you don't like what's being served. Try your best though."
B. You feel that it is fruitless to try to persuade him to eat something he doesn't like. You might end up in an argument that ruins your own & the others' dinner. Therefore, you ignore his disinterest & plan on giving him no dessert or snack after dinner.
C. Since you know that he likes some moderate seasoning on his food, you suggest, "Why don't you try a little butter on it to make it taste good."
D. When he has quieted down a bit, you say, "How can you make your dinner taste better?"
4. Dinner is over & you are at the table going through your mail, paying the bills & so on. Your child comes over to you says, "Could you please help?" You say that you are "busy now, but will be able to help in a couple of minutes." But your child keeps coming back every few moments, demanding that you stop what you are doing.
A. You remark, "I am beginning to get angry because you keep asking me over & over to do something when I have asked you to wait until I am done. You are probably getting a little bit upset too."
B. You become irritated now. Because you feel that people should know about the impact that their behaviour has on others, you raise your voice somewhat & say, "Stop it! This is impolite & I don't want you to interrupt me again! Understand?"
C. You suggest, "Why don't you put your math down for now until I am done here. If you can, start on your spelling or take a break until I am done."
D. You say, "What are some of the things that you can do until I get a chance to help you?"
Count the number of times you have chosen each response, A, B, C or D & look at the following analysis:
______ A. Verbaliser of Feelings
______ B. Real-Life Consequences
______ C. Giver of Advice
______ D. Elicitor of Ideas
A. Verbaliser of Feelings. If you chose this category often, it may reflect the value that you place in making sure that your own & your child's feelings are understood in a problem situation. You may feel that before any other sensible action can be taken, the parties involved should reduce their confusion, identify what is going on & then feel understood.
B. Real-Life Consequences. Those situations prompting you to select B responses reflect the belief that oftentimes children learn the most when they experience the impact of their actions upon people. We are referring to those situations where your child won't listen to you anyway & then you feel frustrated & rejected because your ideas are ignored. Sometimes parents needlessly & fruitlessly get involved & no one wins.
C. Giver of Advice. When you choose C responses, it means you are gently trying to educate your child by pointing out a sensible course of action. Later we'll refer to this approach as suggesting a way for your child to think or act. It comes from a part of us that wants to give some reassuring, educative answer to the complex problems that our children encounter, or to start the ball rolling when a child is hesitating about what to plan or do.
D. Elicitor of Ideas. Those who chose D responses are seeing this encounter as an opportunity to help a child practice thinking independently.
Some parents may strongly identify with one type of response. Others have two predominant responses. We don't believe that there are any pat answers to be given to specific problems that parents & children have. So, when you are very busy & your child asks repeatedly for help with math homework, you may have chosen any one of the four parental responses. It depends upon the point you are trying to make with your youngster or the value that you are trying to teach at the time.
PREPARING YOUR CHILD TO COPE IN THE REAL WORLD
Growing Up Is Not Easy
For children, growth occurs through problem solving, through meeting new challenges & situations & mastering them. When our children cannot master new challenges, when they avoid new situations, or passively conform to others' demands or give in to things that are "too hard," growth can be slowed. Both children & parents can benefit from a strategy to help make decisions & resolve problems. Don't you feel more confident, & generally turn out to be more successful, when you use a road map in an unfamiliar place? For children, growing up takes them to many unfamiliar places. Rather than have them rely on good fortune, a fortuitous road sign, or lots of trial & error, we have learned that children gain confidence & competence from their own road map--a decision-making strategy they can use most anywhere they go.
Children can be taught a step-by-step problem-solving strategy so they won't feel absolutely "stuck" when they're at a decision-making point. Using the following method, you can prepare your child (& yourself) to successfully handle everyday problems.
The Eight-Step Decision-Making Approach
Picture this: It's 8 p.m., early November, & you're at home. The phone rings & it's your mother. She's inviting you to Thanksgiving dinner at her house. You say, "That sounds really nice, Mom. I'll let you know soon if I can make it." The conversation is pleasantly over & you sit down to watch television. The telephone rings again! This time it's your mother-in-law. She invites you, your spouse & the kids to her house for Thanksgiving also. She sounds excited. "I'm really looking forward to seeing you all on the holiday," she says. You feel a slight tension in your stomach, pause a moment, & say, "You know, seeing the whole family sounds great. It's been too long. In fact, we'd like to have you & my parents join us at our house for Thanksgiving. What do you say?" You talk for a few moments about arrangements & your mother-in-law agrees. Your own mother also agrees when you call her back.
Now, in a flash, you've gone through a kind of decision-making approach in your own mind. It happened so fast that you probably were unaware of the specific steps you used. We would bet that if we reviewed your thinking in slow motion, we would have seen you use something like our eight decision-making steps.
1. Look for signs of different feelings.
2. Tell yourself what the problem is.
3. Decide on your goal.
4. Stop & think of as many solutions to the problem as you can.
5. For each solution, think of all the things that might happen next.
6. Choose your best solution.
7. Plan it & make a final check.
8. Try it & rethink it.
Here is an overview of how the whole process works. Turn back the clock momentarily & imagine you've just heard your mother-in-law invite you over.
1. Look for signs of different feelings.
"I feel tense in my stomach & that usually means I'm nervous about something."
2. Tell yourself what the problem is.
"I feel nervous because my mother wants us to go to her house for Thanksgiving & my mother-in-law wants us to go to her house for Thanksgiving."
3. Decide on your goal.
"I want to enjoy Thanksgiving day & not feel guilty or tense. I want to see that both mothers are happy."
4. Think of as many solutions as you can.
a. We could spend part of the day at my mother's & part of the day at my mother-in-law's.
b. We could go to my mother's since she asked us first.
c. We could invite all of them to our place.
d. We could go to my mother-in-law's because we really haven't been there in a long time.
5. For each solution think of all the consequences.
a. It would be too tiring to visit both of them in one day. They might be somewhat happy though.
b. My mother-in-law rarely invites us over. If we didn't see her at all she might feel hurt & not extend an invitation to us again.
c. If we did not see my mother on Thanksgiving Day at all, she'd really feel sad because we're really the only family she has.
d. If we had Thanksgiving at our house it would mean a lot of work for me, but at least I wouldn't have to deal with feeling guilty or upset about leaving somebody out.
6. Choose your best decision.
We'll have Thanksgiving at home because I'd be happier doing the extra work in the kitchen & knowing that no one's been left out.
7. Plan it & make a final check.
Well, if I can, I'd better try to get both of them to accept my invitation tonight. That way I can put my mind into planning dinner & not into worrying about getting them on the phone later this week.
8. Try it & rethink it.
It's good to have that settled. But this experience makes me think that I might be trying too hard to please everyone. I'm going to have to work on that.
Here are more examples of the entire process put into use.
Peter: Problem Solving His Way Through a Kickball Crisis
Consider nine-year-old Peter. He says, "Ricky & I & some of the other guys were playing kickball. We said that none of the girls could play. And then...Ricky goes & gets his sister Anita & her friends to play."
Peter is the second of Ernie & Ann's two children. His older brother, Joe, is now 13. Because he does not have sisters, Peter has not had as much experience sharing his time with girls as Ricky has had. This will make the usual nine-year-old liking for boys playing with boys & girls with girls more touchy for Peter.
Ricky is more comfortable playing with girls. His mother, Eileen, is divorced & works outside of the home. There are many times that she counts on Ricky to take care of Anita.
Let's take a look how Peter's mother uses the decision-making steps to guide her son.
Peter: ...& then Ricky goes & gets his sister Anita & her friends to play, & they're not as good as we are.
Mom: I wonder how that makes you feel?
Peter: Mad, & that's it. And that's the last time I'm playing with Ricky.
Mom: I'm not following you too well. What's the problem?
Peter: It gets boring when the girls play. Less fun.
Mom: Tell me what it is that you want to have happen.
Peter: You know, I want to play kickball & have a good time.
Mom: What ideas do you have?
Peter: What do you mean?
Mom: You know, some ways you could think of that could help you play kickball & have a good time.
Peter: I can't think of anything.
Mom: C'mon, try.
Peter: Okay, well, I could tell Ricky that I'll only play with him if the girls are out of the picture.
Mom: I wonder what else you could do.
Peter: Find some different guys to play with.
Mom: That's good, you already have two ideas. I'm thinking about another idea.
Peter: I know, I know, you're going to say I could learn to be more patient with the girls.
Mom: (laughing) How did you know I was thinking that?
Peter: (smiling) Because you're a girl.
Mom: Yes, I suppose you're right. And we usually get along all right, don't we?
Peter: Yes, I guess so.
Mom: Anyway, let's see what would happen if you tried out some of these ideas.
Peter: Okay. But I already forgot what we thought of.
Mom: Well, first you said that you'd tell Ricky that you'd only play with him if the girls weren't part of it. What would happen if you said that?
Peter: He'd probably get mad or maybe he just wouldn't care because there's always enough people he could play kickball with.
Mom: That's good thinking. Do you remember your second idea?
Peter: Yes, find some other boys. Trouble is...I don't know any other boys around here that I could play with.
Mom: That could be a problem. You know we might be forgetting what it is that you really want.
Peter: To play kickball & have a nice time.
Mom: Well, what about the idea of learning to play with the girls sometimes?
Peter: Oh, Mom, they're just such a pain. They just don't know how to play well.
Mom: What could you do about that?
Peter: Maybe put two girls on each side & that would even things out.
Mom: (approvingly) That's an idea. Well, what solution do you think you'll try out?
Peter: I don't like it, but I guess the best way to play kickball is to play with Ricky & Anita & her friends.
Mom: How do you think you'll do this?
Peter: I think I'll just wait until tomorrow & not say anything to anyone. I'll just play after school like I always do. If the girls join in, I'll just keep on playing, like nothing's bothering me.
Mom: So you're going to try your idea out, huh?
Peter: Yes, what's for supper, Mom?
Peter's mother was interested in teaching Peter how to think. She guided his thought processes along with subtle suggestions & avoided telling him what he was ultimately able to figure out for himself.
Creating a Problem-Solving Atmosphere
Engaging your youngster in a conversation about difficulties he or she may be having is a first step in problem solving. We have some ideas about how you could increase the chances that your youngster will want to talk to you. A main goal should be that your child should perceive you as approachable.
When your child seems troubled, your first duty is to communicate your availability to listen well. Make your child aware of your willingness to have a discussion. After a good amount of listening, give your child some message that you've heard what's been said. Repeat back in some way the content of what's been told you.
It's natural for most of us to ask questions. Sometimes, though, we can overuse questions. Here's an exaggeration.
Dad: What happened? Did someone hurt your feelings? Why are you upset? Why can't you tell me what the problem is? Who was involved?
Steve: (thinking, "Why doesn't he just calm down? I don't know the answers to all those questions.") C'mon, Dad, just let me talk.
In our eagerness to want to help our children feel better, we can sometimes bombard them with questions & come across very strongly--perhaps too much so. The children, in turn, can feel bewildered & "on the spot" or perceive us as anxious or pesty. Certainly those are not our intentions as parents.
Practice turning some of your questions into statements, but more in the form of an invitation to respond, as opposed to a demand to respond. Here are some examples:
"Frank, what happened?" becomes "Frank, it looks like something happened to you."
"Marcia, did someone hurt you?" becomes "Marcia, you look as if someone hurt your feelings."
"Paul, why are you so upset?" becomes "Paul, you talk like you're really upset about something."
"Why can't you tell me what the problem is, Mary?" becomes "Mary, it sounds as if it's hard for you to tell me what's been going on."
"Sharon, who was involved?" becomes "Sharon, I was wondering who the other children were."
Regarding questions: Try to ask ones that require more than a one-word answer.
"Did you have a nice day?" becomes "Tell me about your day."
"Is your new teacher nice?" becomes "What's your new teacher like?"
"Did you play today?" becomes "Who did you play with today?"
Even if your child is not talking to you about his other problem, the fact that you have let him or her know that you are available is a great support.
Being available to your child & not badgering him or her with a series of questions, can lead to some very important parent-child exchanges. When your child is ready to talk, & needs to talk to you, your child will probably find a way.
When your child does start to speak about some issues, you might consider holding back on giving advice prematurely. Let your child talk for awhile. Sometimes when a child finally reveals something meaningful about what he or she did or feels, the parent gets excited, & turns it into an opportunity to teach. Although well intended, the lesson can also discourage further revelation.
It's a delicate balancing act for parents to learn how to listen, how to encourage good ideas & to give direction only at appropriate times. If you're pleased that your child has approached you to discuss something, consider letting him or her know that by a comment such as, "Jack, I really liked having this talk with you." Consider asking your child if how you've listened or what you've said has been helpful.
PART TWO--A STEP-BY-STEP APPROACH FOR DECISION MAKING
GETTING READY FOR DECISION MAKING
By age five, most children are able to listen carefully & accurately, follow directions, concentrate on an age-appropriate task & feel comfortable spending time with friends their own age. These are also the skills needed to get ready for decision making.
The idea of "readiness" is like preparing for a family vacation. But a good vacation is based on some preparation before embarking.
Good decision making is also based on preliminary activities, activities that we as adults sometimes take for granted. Children cannot make sound decisions if they lack information, an understanding of other people, the patience to follow through a series of thinking steps, self-confidence & the ability to know when to ask for help. We want good decision making to become a habit, not an occasional event. Our responsibility is to praise our children when we notice them using decision-making skills--& help them notice that praise & feel good about it.
To help you get an idea of how ready your child is to learn about decision making, we have prepared a short checklist.
A. How carefully & accurately do your children listen to what is said to them?
1. Very carefully--they quickly pick up on things that are said & they repeat things accurately.
2. Pretty much--most of the time, I do not have to repeat things I say.
3. Not as carefully as I'd like them to--I find myself repeating things or correcting them more than I'd like to.
B. How often do your children follow directions?
1. Very often--most of the time, they follow directions well & without a lot of hassle.
2. Pretty often--directions are followed some of the time, but at other times they are not.
3. Not as often as I'd like them to--I find that my children do not follow directions as much as I'd like them to.
C. How well do your children concentrate on tasks & follow through to try & complete them?
1. Very well--they concentrate well & usually follow through.
2. Pretty well--sometimes there is a lapse, but usually they concentrate & try to follow through.
3. Not as well as I'd like them to--I find myself asking them to stay on the task & finish what they start more often than I'd like to.
D. How well do your children accept praise or approval when it is given to them?
1. Very well--they almost always smile or nod their heads or say "thanks" when praised.
2. Pretty well--with most people they show that they have heard or like the praise.
3. Not as well as I'd like them to--too often they seem to ignore approval or actually shy away from praise.
E. How well do your children ask for help?
1. Very well--they don't hesitate to ask & they seem to usually find the right person to go to.
2. Pretty well--on occasion they won't ask when they really need to, but most of the time they ask when they should.
3. Not as well as I'd like them to--I find myself pushing them to get help more than I'd like to.
F. How well do your children notice what other children are feeling?
1. Very well--they are really "tuned in" to what other kids say, & even how they look or sound.
2. Pretty well--usually they'll pick up on how other children are feeling.
3. Not as well as I'd like them to--I find that they're not as sensitive to other children's feelings as I'd like them to be.
Activities You Can Do
You can use the many natural opportunities provided to you by your daily routines to stimulate your child's thinking powers. For example:
Learning to Listen Carefully & Accurately
Ears Ready! A belief many of us share is that listening is done with one's ears. Not necessarily! "Listening" means understanding the meaning of the message that someone is trying to convey. It requires not only adequate hearing, but also mental attention &, especially for children, body position that assists the attending process. Think for a moment about what you actually do when you speak to a friend on the telephone. Perhaps you can picture the other person. Like many of us, you probably gesture to him or her during the conversation.
Watch how your children listen & compare what you see to our "Ears Ready!" activity.
"Ears Ready!" means that when listening to something important, your child should stand with both feet on the floor (if he or she is sitting, both knees or the child's bottom should be on the seat), face the speaker (or other source of sound) & look carefully. When the speaker is finished, the child should ask questions if something is not understood. Here is how the child should ask questions if something is not understood. Here is how Jerry's dad might help Jerry (a "forgetful" nine-year-old) to avoid problems at a department store due to careless listening:
Dad: Okay, Jerry, just show me whatever fits you & put the rest on the hook.
Jerry: Okay.
Dad: Jerry, I don't think you really heard me, because you were not looking at me. Let's try "Ears Ready!" First, put both feet down. Good! Now face me & look at me while I speak. When I am finished, ask me a question if you don't understand. Okay, first tell me what you are going to do when I say, "Ears Ready!"
Jerry: I'm going to put both feet down & look at you.
Dad: What will you do when I finish speaking?
Jerry: I'm going to think about what you said & if I don't understand, I'll ask you a question.
Dad: Terrific! Okay, get your "Ears Ready!" Just show me whatever fits you & put the rest on the hook.
Jerry: What hook, Dad?
Dad: The one by the door.
Jerry: It's broken.
Dad: Well, what else can you do?
Jerry: I'll just leave them on the bench in a pile.
Dad: Sounds good to me. You know, Jerry, I'll bet there are lots of other times when you could use "Ears Ready!"
Jerry: Yes, like when I talk to Grandma on the phone, or when my teacher gives us our homework assignments, or...
Jerry's dad has just helped Jerry listen more carefully using "Ears Ready!" without a lot of explanation. He also had Jerry repeat how to do "Ears Ready!" & then showed Jerry how it could be used in the store to help him do something more easily. After a bit of practice, Jerry's dad & mom will usually only have to say, "Ears Ready!" With children about 12 years old, we call it "Listening Position."
Instant Replay. We live in a World of many, & almost constant, sounds. However, we tend to be attracted to what our eyes can see. Often, when sight & sound are in competition, sound loses out. "Instant Replay" involves stopping the action & asking your child what he or she just heard. The idea is to engage your child in becoming a better listener, not to catch him or her in errors. With younger children, we find it useful to make a little checklist or scorecard showing the number of Instant Replays tried & the number of times the child was listening accurately. Just posting such a scorecard on the refrigerator can be motivating. Small rewards like stickers can help a child get used to "Instant Replay."
Sound Detector is another variation of Instant Replay. When listening to tapes or videos at home, you can ask your children to listen for certain words, such as happy or sad, or for certain tones of voice, such as happy or surprised. You can have your children clap or ask children to decide how to show what they heard. Snapping fingers, tapping something & making beeping noises are favourites.
Children can get out of the habit of listening or allow their skills to remain untapped because they spend so much time with visual materials. The exercises above should help improve their listening.
Following Directions
Direction Following. The basic idea behind "Direction Following" is to cut complicated tasks down to size, into little, manageable pieces. Observe how the Fisherman family prepares the dinner table for a visit from some cousins:
Mr. F: Let's see, there are four of us & we'll have eight guests. That means we'll need to send Debbie to get 12 dinner places, 12 salad bowls, four large serving plates, knives, forks, spoons, the blue tablecloth & the matching napkins, the wood napkin rings & both sets of bridge chairs from the basement.
Mrs. F: (laughing) Hold on a second! We can take this one step at a time. Try it this way. First, we'll give Debbie one thing to do. Then two directions, then three & so on. As she shows us what she can do, we'll help her learn a little more. (calling the child in) Debbie, will you bring in 12 dinner plates?
Debbie: It's not my turn.
Mrs. F: We're having company. Paul is setting up the backyard & we'd like you to help with the table.
Debbie: Okay. Twelve plates, right?
Mrs. F: Right...good! Now, we'll need 12 salad bowls & four large serving dishes...fine. How about 12 small forks, 12 large folks & 12 teaspoons? Okay! Hmm. I think we'll need the blue tablecloth in the hall cabinet, 12 matching napkins & the wood napkin rings. Can you remember all that?
Debbie: Sure I can.
Mrs. F: You sure can follow directions! I think I'll start the cooking, with your father's help.
Mrs. Fisherman first gave Debbie one direction to follow. Then, she gave her two, & then three together. As long as Debbie is successful, Mrs. Fisherman makes the next direction a little longer, or a little more complicated, thus expanding Debbie's ability to carry out what is needed. This kind of activity can also be done over a number of days at regular family meals. Another variation would be to sequence activities & use several family members. First, Paul could get the napkins; then Debbie would fold them while Paul gets the rings; Debbie could put the napkins in the rings while Paul gets the tablecloth & so on. Children can also develop "Direction Following" by learning to use maps for trips & by using various kinds of building or construction sets. Games like "Simon Says" are fun & relevant, as well.
Learning to Receive Praise & Approval
The next time your family is involved in some activity together--cleaning the house, gardening, eating at a restaurant, washing the car--try this little experiment. Praise or compliment everyone in the family for something he or she is doing. Say something specific like, "I think it's wonderful when you ask politely like that," or "You're being very careful with the flowers--great!" How did each person react? Are they beamers (people who clearly show they heard & enjoyed the praise), dreamers (seemingly oblivious to your comments), or steamers (seemingly annoyed or uncomfortable with praise)? Your beamers are easy to handle--just keep praising them. Your dreamers must be brought out of their own thoughts a bit. "Billy, did you hear me? No? Well, c'mon, get your `Ears Ready!', young man..."
Steamers do not feel praiseworthy & do not allow compliments to stick. You can administer some adhesive in several ways. First, try praising your child when he or she is calm, perhaps just before bedtime. Teach your child how to respond positively to praise.
Mrs. Jackson: You know, your singing is getting better & better. I just love to listen to you.
Michael: (silence--he looks down in discomfort)
Mrs. Jackson: I would feel so much better if I knew you heard me when I praised you. Smiling or saying thanks or something like that encourages people to want to continue saying nice things to you.
Michael: (hesitating) Okay. Thanks, Mom. I have been practicing a lot.
Mrs. Jackson: Michael, you did very well.
Michael: (smiling) Thanks!
In addition to using quiet diplomacy, you should show children how to respond to praise. Children who learn to recognise praise & respond to it are more likely to have self-confidence.
Knowing When & How to Get Help
While it is important that our children learn to be self-reliant & good problem solvers, they must also learn that there are times when it is appropriate to ask for help. A child should learn when help is needed & be comfortable with the idea of seeking help.
Helping in the Media. While watching videos, ask about examples of help that different people notice: "Did anyone notice how the detective found that clue?" "How many examples of helping did you see?" After talking about these video situations, your children will be better prepared to talk about their own helping activities.
The Helping Hand. Sometimes we want help but we are unsure how to get it. We've suggested parents make a "Helping Hand." Draw & cut out a hand. Then on each finger you can write a way to get help. Our favourites are:
1. Ask the Lord (pray).
2. Ask someone.
3. Look it up
4. Watch someone else
5. Take some lessons
Posted on the refrigerator or elsewhere in the house, the "Helping Hand" is something you can point your children toward when they are "stuck" with a problem. Then they can make a decision about which method they will choose.
"Ears Ready!", "Direction Following," accepting praise & seeking help can build their readiness skills in a number of ways. First, they raise awareness of the importance of these actions. Second, they provide a label, a kind of shorthand, to remind children to use what they have learned.
Being ready is like leaving for work dressed, with your car keys & with gas in the car. Forget any of these & you won't get far.
Getting Ready for Decision Making
If you'd like your children to:
1. Learn to listen carefully & accurately
--Try "Ears Ready!", "Listening Position," "Instant Replay"
2. Improve at following directions
--Try "Direction Following"
3. Learn to stay calmer & have better self-control
4. Feel more comfortable accepting praise & compliments
--Try "Learning to Receive Praise & Approval"
5. Learn when it's acceptable to ask for help & to feel comfortable with needed help, at times
--Try "Helping in the Media"
6. Learn how to get help when it's needed
--Try "The Helping Hand"
STEP ONE--SENSITIVITY.--LOOK FOR SIGNS OF DIFFERENT FEELINGS
For our children to get along well with teachers, friends, neighbours, siblings, relatives &, of course, their parents, they need to be sensitive to signs of how people are feeling. Feelings provide information that is essential for sound decision making.
How to Help Your Children Look for Signs of Different Feelings
Be a Model. Much of this learning takes place through modeling--parents' thinking & feeling aloud so their child can follow what is going on.
Encourage Expressions. You know your children well; when they are "not themselves," it is important at these times to encourage expression of feelings. Here are some probes we have found useful:
"How are you feeling...I mean how are you really feeling?"
"What seems to be the matter...I'd like to know."
"It seems as if something is bothering you. I'd like to talk with you about it."
"When I see (describe what the child is doing, such as not getting ready for bed on time, or being irritable), I know something is the matter. When can we talk about it?"
If your child resists, pressing too hard usually doesn't work. Sometimes, though, words are less effective than a touch or a hug, which says, "I care about you."
Accept & Acknowledge What You Hear. If we want our children to share their feelings with us, we must be careful not to make them pay for it. Here's what we mean:
Mother: Ronald, what seems to be the matter?
Ronald: Nothing.
Mother: Ronald, I really would like to know. You haven't been eating & that's just not like you.
Ronald: Well, it's Virginia. I don't think she likes me any more & I'm worried.
Mother: That's the silliest thing I've ever heard. How could you worry about her? Of course she likes you.
Ronald: I'm going inside, Mom.
What if his mother acknowledged Ronald's feelings & praised him for sharing them:
Mother: That certainly seems upsetting. Thanks for telling me...I thought you had stopped liking my cooking!
Ronald: (smiling) No, it's not that, Mom.
Mother: What happened between you & Virginia?
Ronald: Oh well, nothing really. (Mother remains silent, looks concerned.) Well, she walked to the bus with Tommy.
Mother: You saw them walk to the bus together. How did you feel then?
Ronald: I was burning in my eyes. And you know what else...
Later on Ronald's mom might tell him that when he refuses to eat & when he feels "burning in his eyes," these are signs of upset feelings.
Activities You Can Do
Feelings Word List. Gather your children together & try to make a Feelings Word List. Just try to name as many different feelings as you can.
Use Books & Stories to Look for Signs of Feelings. Even if the book had no pictures, you can ask to show the signs of feelings & also how different events lead to certain feelings.
Feelings Detective. Take out some old magazines with pictures. Have the child cut out examples of one feeling, such as happy, sad, or scared, or several feelings on which you might want to concentrate.
Feelings Charades. One person decides what feeling he or she would like to show, possibly by picking a feelings card. The rest of the family tries to guess the feeling, but there's one catch--the actor cannot use any words. Only gestures, facial expressions & body postures are allowed! Whoever guesses the feeling can have the next turn in the spotlight.
Mirror, Mirror. Have your children pair up, perhaps at first with you. One person is going to be a mirror; the other a communicator. The mirror can reflect only what it sees. The person playing the mirror must watch the communicator carefully & accurately reflect any changes in expression, position, movement & so on. The communicator can express whatever he or she wishes or can follow some guidelines (that is, go from tired to scared to sad to happy).
The Bedtime Chat...When Something Doesn't Seem Quite Right
Donna knew all day that something was not quite right with her daughter, Jennifer. Jennifer didn't eat much--not even her favourites. She was very quiet & stayed by herself a lot, & this behaviour was very unlike her! Robert noticed the same thing. When he got home from work, there was just a quiet, "Hi, Dad," instead of an enthusiastic, "Daddy!" When Jennifer was getting ready for bed, Donna sat down next to her.
Donna: Remember some of the games we've been playing the last two weeks, games to help us look for signs of different feelings?
Jennifer: Sure
Donna: Well, I've seen a lot of signs of feelings from you today, things that you don't usually do. Can you think of what I mean?
Jennifer: Hmm. I didn't eat my dinner or my dessert. And when I spilled the juice by the refrigerator, I didn't wipe it up too well.
Donna: Dad & I have seen some of these same things, & we think they are signs of upset feelings. What should you try to do when you have upset feelings?
Jennifer: Talk to you or Daddy or someone. But if I have to go to the dentist, it's going to hurt.
Donna: So you've been upset about your teeth & about maybe having to go to the dentist. I'm very glad you've told me. Now...
Donna found out important information by helping Jennifer use the first decision-making step. Now the family can address the real issue. Notice that Donna didn't respond, "Why didn't you just tell me?" or "Isn't that silly!" Instead, she tried to help Jennifer see that looking for signs of different feelings is a good & useful activity. Sharing these signs & feelings with other family members can also be helpful. There is a lot of decision making to come, but Donna will probably wait until the morning before she pursues things.
STEP TWO--TELL YOURSELF WHAT THE PROBLEM IS
Problems can provide challenges to be met, answers to be found & circumstances with which one must cope. When we have a problem, & we know it is a problem, we can think about ways to solve it. But when something is bothering us & leaving us with vague feelings of uneasiness or discomfort, we're often not quite ready to tackle it. The first decision-making step is to look for signs of different feelings. By doing this we prepare ourselves for the next step: Telling ourselves what the problem is. We do this by putting the problem into words--thereby unlocking the door to our decision-making & problem-solving potential.
Researchers & educators like Jean Piaget & John Dewey have noticed that once children can put a problem into words, take it apart, or look at specifics, they can begin to think about it. This thinking process, however, is rarely taught to children. If they are fortunate, they pick it up through interactions with parents, teachers, other relatives, or friends. But too often children do not learn the value of telling themselves what the problem is.
You can probably recall a time when you had a feeling that was upsetting you, but you couldn't get a handle on what the problem was. Even a mildly distressing problem can illustrate this. Let's say, for instance that a friend has told you great things about a movie. As you are watching the movie, you feel that you should be enjoying it more...why aren't you? Then you say to yourself, "I'm feeling this way because Larry said it was so exciting, especially the chase, & I'm not finding it all that special." You've just linked the first two decision-making steps:
1. Look for signs of different feelings.
2. Tell yourself what the problem is.
Now you can think about what to do next--stop watching, continue watching but with different expectations, have a talk with Larry, & so on.
How To Help Your Children Tell Themselves What the Problem Is
Be a Model.
Father: We've been painting for about two hours now. Look at this mess...& that hole in the wall. And the paint can--darn!--it's almost empty.
Phil: What do you mean, Dad?
Father: Well, let me see if I can put this into words. I feel a little discouraged when I see the mess we have to clean up. And I feel kind of unsure about how I'm going to fill in that hole before we paint. And I'm feeling annoyed because the paint can is almost empty & I'll have to clean up & drive to the store. So we have a lot of problems to solve.
Phil: Wow! We'd better get started.
Phil's father was able to put a number of problems into words. He felt & expressed all of these in his first statement--but not in a way that Phil could understand & learn from. He had to say clearly which situation led to which feeling.
Our children can benefit from hearing how we use our feelings & tell ourselves what the problems are in common situations such as driving, cooking & repairing.
Encourage Expression. For children up to about age eight, "put your problem into words" is probably a more useful activity to encourage, rather than "tell yourself what the problem is." By about age eleven, children can often "tell themselves what the problem is" in a clear & useful manner.
Here are some "starters" to help you with your suggesting & asking questions for your children:
Suggesting
1. Do you mean...
2. So, is your problem that...
3. Do you feel ____ because...
4. Do you feel ____ when...
5. Would you say that...
Asking
1. What is the problem?
2. What would you say is the problem? What else could be the problem?
3. How would you put the problem into words?
4. What seems to be troubling you?
5. How would you put it into words?
Accept & Acknowledge What You Hear. Here's another example of how, if we are not careful, we can put out the spark we so much want to nurture:
Father: How was school today?
Mike: Rotten. I don't want to talk about it.
Father: It sure sounds awful. What does the problem seem to be?
Mike: Oh, all right. I feel really low because we were reading, "Paradise Lost" & my essay about the poem only got a B. I don't know how I'm going to get an A in English.
Father: English? Getting a B is good enough. And there are more important things to do than read poetry. You've got to keep those science & math grades up...
This father seemed to forget that problems can be very subjective--what your child sees as a problem, you might see as trivial or nonsensical. If your children hear that kind of response, it is unlikely that they will go back to you with future problems. Our task is to help them clarify their feelings, put the problem into words & define the problem clearly, in a way that suggests it might be solvable. We suggest you praise your child's efforts at sharing problems with you & ask questions that will make the situation less confused & cloudy:
Father: English? How are you doing in English so far?
Mike: I was on the border between an A & a B. This essay brings me a B. I don't know how to get that A.
Father: Well, Mike, you really seem to have told yourself what the problem is. I bet you haven't given up on that A.
Mike: I guess not. You know, I thought of a couple of ideas to try...
Activities You Can Do
Problems in the News. If your child is a reader, try reading a story together in a newspaper or magazine--let's say it's one about commuter railroad problems. Then use the probes that Don does to help his son define the problem presented in the story.
Don: Okay, what was that story about?
Andy: Trains. Lots of people take trains to get to work.
Don: Yes, they do. What seems to be the problem with the trains?
Andy: They need more money & they need to be safer.
Don: So one problem is that there isn't enough money to run all the trains that everyone needs to get to work. And another problem is that the trains are not as safe as they should be.
Andy: You really picked up on that one!
News is filled with problems. Each one gives you the chance to sharpen your child's thinking.
Hobby Probes. A reliable sign that your child is working on a problem of some kind is when he or she is practicing something over & over again. Here is a series of comments that will help your child tell himself or herself what the problem is:
1. You sure seem to be working hard (a lot, spending a lot of time).
2. What are you working on?
3. What problem are you trying to solve? Anything else?
4. It sounds as if you've told yourself what the problem is...let's see if I understand it. (Then summarise what you've heard, using the Suggestion "starters" we've mentioned.)
Watch how Alice first starts to use Hobby Probes with her son, Andy, whose interest in trains extends beyond news stories. Now he's making a model of a train & his face is showing signs of frustration.
Alice: Boy, you sure are working hard! What are you working on now?
Andy: I have to put the locomotive together.
Alice: Oh. It looks hard to do. What problem are you trying to figure out?
Andy: I have to put the wheels on so that they can move back & forth & not fall off.
Alice: Anything else?
Andy: And I have to put the windows in without getting glue on them.
Alice: Any others?
Andy: No, not really.
Alice: It sounds as if you've told yourself what the problems are...let's see if I understand them. One problem is to put the wheels on so they stay on, but also move back & forth. The other problem is to put the windows in without getting glue on them. Your face looks calmer now--it's easier to solve problems when you put them into words & tell yourself what the problems are.
Andy: Yes, I guess so...
Decision-Making Digest
The second decision-making step, tell yourself what the problem is (or, "put the problem into words," for younger children) helps make your child's mind work in a more focused way. It points attention to the problem so that we can go about solving it. If our feelings are too vague or overwhelming, we can't always figure out what the problem is. As our children learn to put feelings & problems into words, they are on their way to a sound & reasoned decision about how to take care of their difficulties.
STEP THREE--DECIDE ON YOUR GOAL
To prepare children to manage as adults, it is important to build their ability to decide on their goals. Children need the opportunity to lead & not be led. They need to know they can decide & not simply follow; that they think & create, & not passively accept & consume.
In our research, we have been consistently struck by the frustrations & turmoil caused when youngsters act prematurely or impulsively, or fail to act--all because they did not have their goal clearly in mind. The skill of deciding on your goal is perhaps one of the greatest gifts parents can bestow on a child.
Up to this point we have been preparing our children for action. Here is how three different children handled the same problem:
Solution Jumping. "Mitch was teasing me & I'm upset. I'm going to tell his mother. He should be grounded for life."
Solution jumpers go right from the problem to suggestions for action. They are the people you know who often wind up saying, "I didn't really mean to do that. You know how it is, things get out of hand."
Goal Paralysis. "Mitch was teasing me & I'm upset. He's my friend & he shouldn't. I don't like him any more. I'm staying in the house. But my stuff is outside. I don't know..."
The second type are paralysed because they do not know which goal to choose. Their thoughts are racing, but their ideas are not anchored by having a goal in mind. So they end up taking no action, or else following others' urgings.
Decision Making. "Mitch was teasing me & I'm upset. I don't want to get upset by Mitch any more."
The decision maker takes the problem & turns it into a goal statement: What do I want to see happen?
How to Help Your Child Decide on a Goal
Be a Model. The best time to model goals is when you are having a problem with an involved, sequential task like cooking, fixing something, sports or preparing to leave the house to get some place on time. Here are some samples:
After you say your problem:
1. The last egg we need for this recipe is no good.
2. This screw doesn't fit in the hole.
3. My tennis serve is all off.
4. We're late, but it's dangerous to rush.
Say your goal:
1. I need another egg.
2. I need a screw that fits that hole.
3. I need to get my serve working right.
4. We'll get there safely & as soon as we can.
Encourage Expression. A time to encourage expression of goals is during sibling conflicts. There are two rules parents can follow that will help children become more aware that others have goals & these may be different from theirs.
1. A person in a particular situation may have more than one goal.
2. Different people often have different goals.
This mother brings out both of these points after her sons, Rudy & Seth, ages six & nine, start arguing & pushing each other. It seems as if Rudy was using Seth's school pen without asking & Seth had taken Rudy's book without asking.
Mom: All right, all right, stop this pushing now. Seth, what happened?
Seth: He took my pen without asking.
Mom: What were you trying to do by shoving him?
Seth: Get my pen back.
Mom: What else?
Seth: Er, um, blurble.
Mom: I can't hear you.
Seth: Get him back.
Mom: Rudy, what were you trying to do?
Rudy: He's trying to break my book.
Mom: He is? How do you know?
Rudy: He took my book & put it under his homework papers.
Mom: What else could Seth be doing with your book?
Rudy: Huh?
Seth: She asked what else could I do with the book--like I told you. I needed something to lean on & your book was out. I don't care if you take it back--I'll get another book to lean on.
Mom: Rudy, what were you doing with Seth's pen?
Rudy: When you asked me to write down "meat" so you'd remember to take it out of the freezer, his pen was out & I used it. Then I went to do my puzzle book, I took it, & I just forgot.
Mom: We'll talk about this more later. But I hope you both realise that your brother may not have the goal you think he does--he may have a different reason for doing something than you think. And next time, before you start pushing, first think about what you want to have happen & whether pushing will help you get there.
Accept & Acknowledge What You Hear. One of the most powerful ways to build a new skill in children is to acknowledge their attempts to use the skill. Acknowledging often means pointing out that the glass is half-full, rather than half-empty.
Activities You Can Do
Goal Analogies. The next time your family is watching a sports event, ask, "What are the players trying to do in this game? What's their goal?" There are generally two goals--an overall goal that they win & a short-term goal that they score (or stop the other players from scoring).
There are lots of examples of situations where a player cannot decide on a goal, with unfortunate results. It can be useful for children to see what happens when goals are unclear. It can also be fun for your family to keep a list of as many goal words as you can think of to help you see how the goals fit into so many aspects of our everyday routine. Some examples we've heard include: Target, destination, deadline, ideal, final product.
Goal X Ray. Goal X Ray involves stopping the action--whether it's in the kitchen, the yard, the hallway or anywhere--& asking aloud, "Goal X Ray: What am I trying to do?" It's especially useful when you're feeling hassled & trying to do several things at once--eat dinner, read the mail, feed the kids & answer the phone. Begin Goal X Ray with some kind of "zzzip" or "zzzap" sound. This kind of goal clarification can help your family to relieve hassles & stress. Here's a brief example:
Tim: I did not!
Tom: You did too!
Tim: Did not!
Tom: Did too!
Dad: Zzzap, Tom, what are you trying to do?
Tom: Tim broke it & keeps saying he didn't.
Dad: You've been zzzapped, Tom, what are you trying to do.
Tom: I, uh, um, I don't know.
Tim: Zzzip, Dad; what are you trying to do?
Dad: I'm trying to help you stop your argument & get on to something more useful.
Tom: Wow, it's great having a dad who's a zzzapper!
Dad: Okay, okay. I need some help in the garage. Let's see if you...
Once everyone gets the idea, you'll only need to "zzzap" people to get them to stop & think & decide on their goal.
Ad Attack. Television & magazines assault us with their cleverly constructed attempts to influence our actions. Children are especially defenseless against this assault, particularly between the ages of four & nine. "Ad Attack" is a simple activity that can help break the spell a bit. When a commercial comes on television, say, "The people who make this want us to do something, like buy something or go someplace. What do they want us to do now?" After awhile, you'll only have to ask, "What are they trying to get us to do?" Commercials become less real, less magical if we "unmask" them. You can follow up, as your children get older, with questions like, "How do they make _____ look so good?" "What makes _____ something you'd want to buy?" Then explain how a commercial is a little show, & help your children begin to recognise that ads have goals & we don't have to accept them. Of course, radio, magazine, newspaper & other ads can be subjected to "Ad Attack."
Jigsaw Puzzles. For children from preschool through high school age, especially those needing to build up their readiness skills, jigsaw puzzles provide countless examples of chances to ask, "What's my goal?" Of course, the overall goal is to complete the puzzle. But at many points along the way, smaller goals are set, such as: Do all the edge pieces, find all the blue pieces, do the upper left section. Modeling your own strategies out loud using suggesting & asking during puzzle time can help your children practice setting & meeting goals.
List the Goals. Tasks that require careful decisions--like selecting a present for someone & preparing for a trip--can sometimes get out of hand if we lose track of our goal. We've probably found ourselves, at one time or another, packing four outfits for an overnight trip, or walking in & out of stores, wondering why we went in to begin with. When these kinds of tasks face your family, it's time to "List the Goals." On a piece of paper write the problem, then your goal & then some facts related to each goal.
At the Barbershop: The Goals of New Experiences: Our children face many new situations, such as the first day of school, the second day of school, the first time meeting a new sibling, the first time sleeping overnight at a friend's, the first stay at a hospital, the first bicycle ride without training wheels & so on. Each one of these situations may lead a child to have uncertain or uneasy feelings, & naturally so. Helping children to talk about their feelings, say what the problem is & decide on a goal allows them to enter the new situation with a little less uncertainty & a little stronger sense that they will be able to get through it.
Let's look in on Gene, a five-year-old getting his first haircut by a regular barber, before his first day of kindergarten:
Mom: Gene, do you know where we're going this morning?
Gene: Yes, to the barbershop.
Mom: We visited there last week & watched the barbers giving haircuts, remember?
Gene: Yes.
Mom: You're going to sit in the barber's chair, he'll put a smock on you--like a painting smock--& he'll cut your hair.
Gene: It won't hurt, will it?
Mom: I know it can seem a little scary--but do you think it hurt the people we saw getting the haircuts last week?
Gene: I guess not.
Mom: Anything else you want to say about it?
Gene: Do I have to go?
Mom: Well, our problem is that your hair is long & we'd like it to look nice & neat for school.
Gene: I guess so.
Mom: So, when you're finished, you should look very handsome for school...& that's what we want, right?
Gene: Uh-huh. Are we going soon...
Mom reviewed what would happen & what the goal was twice more, in the car & in the barbershop. She also had to ask Gene to get calm before he actually sat in the chair & say the goal out loud & then to himself several times. Gene felt less anxious because he had his goal in mind & kept himself calm--& all went well.
Having a goal in mind gives a child something to think about, instead of just concentrating on uneasy feelings. With older children you may want to ask them to picture their goal & keep the picture in mind. Your goal is that your child enter new situations without being overwhelmed by his or her feelings.
Team Goals: Using "Goal X Rays" Out of the House. In sports, coaches have a "game plan," in music, conductors have a "score." Game plans & scores reflect group goals. When everyone on the team carries out his or her part, then the goal is met. Certainly families work this way as well. But sometimes these goals are hard to see. For example, sometimes conductors don't read a score in a performance. They've memorised it, & our children may not realise that.
Before "X-raying," it's useful to talk to your child about the coach, manager, conductor & so on. Who is this person? What does he or she do? What is his or her overall job? What does it mean to work as a team? Once you get these ideas across, you can begin "X-raying" the game or performance.
"What is he trying to do by taking that pitcher out of the game?"
"What is she trying to do by calling a time-out?"
"What is he trying to do by pointing to the trumpet players?"
"What is he trying to do by asking everyone to stand up at the end?"
In contrast to what we see as a large emphasis on individual excellence in our society, "Team Goals" emphasise how each of us relies on others to accomplish important tasks.
Choosing Goals for Your Child's Academic Performance
14-year-old William is finding high school to be a bit more than he bargained for. He has always been a B+ student--until now. William's teachers have just delivered a very negative progress report.
Frank, his father, talks with William. Notice how he uses modeling, suggesting, asking & the "Goal X Ray" to help William decide on a goal.
Frank: William, I've just read your progress reports. I'm not pleased. How are you feeling about it?
William: I guess I knew they were coming.
Frank: Well, they're here. Are you feeling proud or upset or nervous or what?
William: I'm upset & nervous.
Frank: Okay, let's use our decision-making steps, okay? What problems are you nervous about?
William: I'm nervous because you & Mom have been talking about this & I don't know what's going to happen to me.
Frank: And what are you upset about?
William: I'm upset because my grades are going down.
Frank: You put that into words pretty clearly. All right, I'd like to zap those problems--remember?
William: Oh, yes. My goals, right?
Frank: Right.
William: I don't want everyone mad & disappointed at me. But if I'm going to be successful, I've got to do more than get good grades. I've got to join a club or a team. And the guys, you know, they like to fool around sometimes, so I join them. If I don't, they throw my books around the bus & stuff. So I have so much to do & then I fall behind, but if I go to the teachers after class the guys get on me &...
Frank: Hold on, hold on. I think I heard about four goals, but maybe I lost count. Willy, you're going to be like someone whose left leg wanted to go one way & his right leg wanted to go the other--dead stuck in your tracks.
William: Every time I try to think about it, I get a headache.
Frank: Well, this is complicated stuff. When I have times like this, I try to write down my goals on a piece of paper. What do you say?
William: Hey Dad, it's worth a shot.
Frank: Okay. Then we'll look at them, figure out which are the most important, & you can decide on one or two goals to go after...unless you can figure out a way to do everything at once.
William: I don't think so.
William was ready to have his stressful feelings relieved. And this is the case with so many children who experience school-related problems. Eventually your children will ask themselves questions that get them to use the decision-making steps. For William that would be most helpful. Then he can prevent problems from building up during the whole school day--he can sort out his goals even before he gets home.
The ability to decide on the goal allows your children to focus their energy instead of spreading it out & spending a lot of time bothered by vague, upset feelings.
STEP FOUR--THINK OF SOLUTIONS
Generating alternative solutions reduces the likelihood of impulsive behaviour. Some social problems emerge because people "did not think before they acted." That is impulsive behaviour. Your children won't try out the first solution that quickly comes to mind if they are spending time thinking of other ideas.
How to Teach Your Children to Stop & Think of Many Different Solutions & Their Consequences
Be a Model. For example, imagine that you are trying to figure out what the family could have for dinner. You could say out loud, "Let's see, I suppose we could have hamburgers or spaghetti or maybe chicken." Your child listening to you will understand that adults use alternative thinking all the time. Another example: "Hmmm...how should I spend my time this afternoon? I could cash a cheque at the bank, pick up some food at the supermarket, or stay home & do some work around here."
Encourage Expression & Accept What You Hear. Remember: We are teaching children a way to think, not what to think. We want to increase the likelihood that they will say their ideas out loud & not fear criticism of those ideas.
Imagine that you are outdoors with your child. You decide that this is a good time to teach the use of alternatives.
Mother: David, those clouds look almost like pictures. What kinds of things do those cloud shapes remind you of?
David: I don't know.
Mother: Well, let's see. That one straight up looks like it could be a snowman. What do you think?
David: Yes...it looks like it could be a snowwoman too!
Mother: (smiling) That's a great idea, David! What about that one over there?
David: Wow! That looks like a horse--or maybe a racing car!
Mother: I never thought of that! I wonder what else is up there today...
Activities You Can Do
Consider a popular movie, "The Wizard of Oz." To make movie viewing an active rather than passive activity, you can ask questions like, "What are some other ways Dorothy could handle the Wizard?" or "How else could the Lion, Tin Man & Scarecrow save Dorothy?"
Alternative Alternatives.
How many ways can you think of to prepare eggs? (1) poach (2) scramble (3) fry (4) as an omelette (5) as eggnog.
Think about how you could use the inside roll from a package of paper towels: (1) as a telescope (2) as a microphone (3) as a telephone.
STEP FIVE--THINK OF CONSEQUENCES
For Each Solution, Think of All the Things That Might Happen Next
Generating multiple solutions will go only so far. Youngsters need to learn the importance of considering consequences. We'd like to think of this skill as a way to forecast what might happen.
Steve was sitting on the bus with Mike. Steve felt pleased inside. He was beginning to make a friend in his new school. Steve still had this goal in mind when their conversation turned to bikes. Mike was excitedly telling Steve all about the new one that he had just gotten for his birthday. As Mike's stop neared, he turned to Steve & said, "Why don't you come to my house now? I'll show you my bike & you can ride it. We can practice some tricks with it." Steve hesitated. He recalled promising his mother that he would come right home from school. Steve quickly ran through some alternative solutions:
1. If he decided to go to Mike's right now, they might become even better friends, but his mother may be very angry.
2. He could tell Mike the truth, that he couldn't come that day. Mike might get upset & might not be as willing to extend such an invitation the next time.
3. He could tell Mike that he had to go home first & ask his mother. If she okayed it, he would come over then.
4. He could tell Mike that his mother wanted him home but maybe he could go to Mike's house now & call home from there. It was hard for Steve to figure out how his mother would react to this idea.
Steve saw that many of his choices were risky. He decided to tell Mike that he had to go home first & then ask his mother. As it turned out in this case, Mike expressed his disappointment but said he would wait for Steve's call.
Steve was demonstrating the decision-making skill of being able to consider the consequences.
Activities You Can Do
A simple way you can help your child anticipate consequences is to talk to your child about forecasting the next day's weather. For example:
Father: Lynn, what do you think it's going to be like tomorrow?
Lynn: I don't know.
Father: Let's look out the window & check it out.
Lynn: It's cloudy out.
Father: What might that mean?
Lynn: Maybe it will be cloudy tomorrow too, or even rain.
Father: Yes, maybe you're right.
Often it's a helpful game to play right before your child goes to bed, when he or she is involved in deciding what kind of clothes to wear the next day. When your child wakens in the morning, & the weather is indeed as he or she predicted, you have a great opportunity to compliment the child's capacity to anticipate & think ahead.
Story & Movie Consequences. Stories offer a good vehicle for practicing a variety of decision-making steps. Take advantage of the suspenseful moments when it's unclear about the fate of the heroine. You can state out loud, "I wonder what's going to happen next?" The children don't have to say anything. Just raising the questions will stimulate their thinking about consequences.
The "What If" Game. This is a good activity to use when you are in the car, or are waiting for dinner. Here are some What If questions & some answers we've heard at different times:
What if you could read minds?
1. I'd be surprised at what people think.
2. I could rule the World.
3. I'd be really smart.
4. I'd have too much on my mind.
What if you found a thousand Dollars?
1. I'd play video games all day.
2. I'd put it in the bank.
3. I'd find out whose it was.
4. I'd buy presents for all my friends.
What if you had a car?
1. I'd need a license.
2. I'd visit my grandparents.
3. I'd give it to my father.
4. I'd drive myself to school.
What if you were President?
1. I'd stop making nuclear weapons.
2. I'd live in Washington, D.C.
3. I'd be very busy.
4. I'd need a lot of help.
Your youngsters can make up their own "What If" questions.
Handling Everyday Problems: When Siblings Battle
Marlene is a mother of two boys. Danny is eight & Jason is four. Danny is very possessive about his things. Danny & Jason are intensely fighting with each other.
Marlene: Danny, what happened?
Danny: (angry) Jason's always bugging me, Mom. He's a pest. He's always fooling around with my stuff.
Marlene: Looks like you're pretty angry at your brother.
Danny: You bet.
Marlene: Well, what do you want to have happen?
Danny: I want you to punish him.
Marlene: No, I mean if you weren't fighting with him, what would you really like to be doing?
Danny: I wanted to play in peace with some of the stickers & cards I've been collecting.
Marlene: Well, tell me what the problem is.
Danny: I hate it when he butts in & tries to grab my cards & stuff.
Marlene: I wonder what you could do to be able to play in peace.
Danny: I don't know.
Marlene: Well, think about it a little.
Danny: I guess...I guess I could take my collection into the bedroom & play there.
Marlene: That's a good idea. Tell me more.
Danny: What do you mean?
Marlene: I mean, what else could you do?
Danny: Oh...I guess I could try to get him to play with some of his things.
Marlene: That's great. You've thought of two ideas. Anything else?
Danny: Well, maybe I should give him a couple of my old cards...the beat-up ones.
Marlene: Yes, that's another idea. Well, what do you think would happen if you tried out your ideas?
Danny: If I went to the bedroom, he'd just follow me there & keep on bothering me.
Marlene: What about your other ideas?
Danny: He'd never listen to me if I tried to get him to play with his things.
Marlene: Uh-huh.
Danny: I guess I'll just have to let him play with a couple of my old cards that I don't need.
Marlene: Would that be your best idea?
Danny: Yes, I think so.
Marlene: (gives him a hug) Danny, you did a terrific job on thinking that through.
Note that Danny did not offer his mother perfect solutions. At several points he did not understand what his mother was asking him to do. Marlene rephrased her question. She also carved out a chunk of this episode & dealt with one piece of it at a time, helping Danny practice problem solving. Although she was confronted by this mini-catastrophe about her children misbehaving, she was able to refrain from rushing in & solving the problem for them. She could have, at the outset, suggested that Danny give Jason some of the old beat-up cards. This immediate problem would have been solved but she could not have given Danny practice in operating independently. By solving Danny's problem for him, she would have missed a chance to equip him with decision-making skills.
STEP SIX--CHOOSE YOUR BEST SOLUTION
The focus of this step is to teach our children to choose the best solutions & try them.
How to Teach Your Child to Choose the Best Solution
Be a Model. Consider letting some of your silent choices gain a voice as you decide out loud for your child's benefit. Here are some examples:
1. I like both colours, but I think I'll pick the blue blouse because it goes with my dress better.
2. I'm deciding between watching the news & the end of the variety show. I think I'll watch the news so I can watch the President's news conference.
Encourage Expression. Ask questions. For example:
Which idea will you choose?
What do you think you'll do?
Which one best reaches your goal?
Solution Review. A child can momentarily forget what his or her good ideas were. You can help out, by prompting a "Solution Review," encouraging your child to call to mind his solutions. For example, a parent might use such prompts as:
Could you tell me the solutions you thought of?
What were those ideas again?
I forgot some of your solutions. Could you go over them again?
Sometimes children select the last one they thought of & that may not be the best solution. A "Solution Review" can help your children to get their thoughts in order.
Accept & Acknowledge What You Hear. From time to time tell your child you are pleased that he or she has made a decision. Here are some examples:
"I like the pants you selected today."
"Oh, you prefer yogurt, just like Dad does."
"You know, you really chose a good friend in Robert."
"When you chose to ignore your sister's teasing, she seemed to stop doing it."
"Even though Tommy didn't stay to help clean up, I'm glad that you decided to stay & help out."
Activities You Can Do
Recreation With the Family. Notice how, in this kind of situation, a minor quarrel turns into a quick practice situation for choosing a solution. Consider how this father uses a solution as opposed to consequences.
Mark (age five): Dad, I want to sit on the aisle when we get to the movies.
Steve (age seven): Oh, you always get to sit on the aisle.
Dad: Listen, boys, what are some solutions to this situation?
Mark: I could sit on the aisle just like I said I wanted to.
Steve: That's not fair. What about me?
Dad: Well, are there any more ideas? You boys have been getting pretty good lately at coming up with a list of ideas.
Steve: Well, what if I could sit next to the aisle for the first half of the movie & then Mark could have it for the second half. We could change.
Dad: Any other ideas?
Mark: I could sit in the aisle this time & then Steve could the next time we go to the movies.
Dad: Both seem to be good ideas.
Steve: Mark can take the aisle the first half of the movie & then I'll take it the second half. Okay, Mark?
Mark: Okay.
Dad: Good job. You boys really made a decision. Let's get ready to go.
Driving in the Car.
Dad: What do you think? Should we take the main road or the back way?
Ginny: How about the back way?
Dad: Sounds like a good choice to me.
Shopping.
Mom: Well, have you decided? Do you want the blue one or the red one?
Peg: I like the blue one, Mom, it matches the rest of my outfit.
Mom: That sounds like a good decision to me too.
Decisions, Decisions. One person is the "Problem Giver" & another person is the "Decision Maker." The Problem Giver thinks of a situation that requires a decision. The Decision Maker must give a response. This exercise is designed primarily to give a lot of practice in making choices.
Preschool Youngsters:
What's your favourite colour?
Tell me what your favourite food is.
Middle-Elementary-Aged Youngsters:
What teacher do you like the most?
Tell me your favourite singer.
What's your favourite thing?
Upper-School-Aged Youngsters:
It's two o'clock in the afternoon & you are at school & you have just ripped your pants. What can you do?
Your best friend wants to see one movie & you want to see another. What do you do?
It is ten o'clock at night. You've just remembered that tomorrow is your mother's birthday & you've forgotten to get her a gift. What do you do?
Predicting Peer Problems. Engaging in brief, anticipatory problem-solving discussion with our children will start preparing them to handle peer pressure problems.
Early Elementary Exercise. Teasing is a phenomenon that begins early on in a child's life. At times our children witness teasing, tease others, or are teased themselves. Problem-solving discussion with a focus on choice making can help out in this common childhood problem situation.
Mother: Do any of your friends ever get teased at school?
Ray: What do you mean?
Mother: Well, like some kids making fun of other kids.
Ray: Yes, sometimes the kids make fun of Steve.
Mother: How does that make you feel?
Ray: I don't know.
Mother: Bad for Steve?
Ray: Yes.
Mother: What would you like to have happen?
Ray: That they don't tease Steve.
Mother: I wonder what ideas you have that could help him out?
Ray: I could yell at them.
Mother: Uh-huh, what else?
Ray: Tell the teacher.
Mother: That's another idea. Anything else?
Ray: I could help stick up for Steve.
Mother: Wow, you can think of a lot of ideas. Could you say them all again?
Ray: Yes. I could yell, tell the teacher, & I forget the other one.
Mother: Stick up...
Ray: Oh yes, stick up for Steve.
Mother: Well, time for a choice. Which one sounds the best to you?
Ray: Help Steve by sticking up for him?
Mother: You've really thought that through, that's terrific.
Ray: Thanks. Oh, here we are at the store.
Mother: Great. Listen, Ray, if you ever want to talk about teasing...just let me know.
Ray: Okay.
Later Elementary Years: Cigarette Smoking. The idea here, of course, is to help get them started in organising their thinking about how to handle these pressures when they present themselves. There are so many situations that we as parents can use to kick off a discussion about cigarette smoking. For example, imagine that you are in a fast-food hamburger restaurant with your 11-year-old, sixth-grade son. Some folks are smoking cigarettes in one section of the restaurant. As you sit down to eat, you have this dialogue:
Dad: Do a lot of the kids at school smoke, Matthew?
Matthew: What do you mean?
Dad: Cigarettes.
Matthew: ...Yes, some do.
Dad: Any of your friends?
Matthew: Not really.
Dad: What have you decided to do?
Matthew: What do you mean?
Dad: I mean if someone offers you a cigarette.
Matthew: What difference does it make, you & Mom wouldn't let me even if I wanted to.
Dad: Well, yes...but we really don't know a lot about what you think about it. We were wondering how you'd respond if there were any pressure at school to smoke.
Matthew: You sure you want to talk about this?
Dad: Yes.
Matthew: Well, I would probably say no.
Dad: Uh...anything else?
Matthew: I could say I don't want to get into trouble.
Dad: What if it's your best friend.
Matthew: Well, I could just say it's bad for you & walk away.
Dad: Well, they all sound like good ideas. Could we go over them again?
Matthew: Say no, say I don't want to get into trouble, say it's bad for your health & just walk away.
Dad: Well, what is the best choice?
Matthew: A little of each. I'd say no, that it was bad for your health, & then I'd leave.
Dad: All good ideas...I'm glad that we talked.
Choosing Which Friends to Play With
Here is how one parent emphasised "choose your best solution" in a discussion he had with his eight-year-old daughter.
Dad: How are you?
Samantha: Oh, hi, Dad. Fine, I guess.
Dad: What's the matter? Your voice sounds a little shaky.
Samantha: Everybody has been playing different things outside & I don't know who to play with.
Dad: I only have a few moments, Sam, but maybe I could help by asking you a few questions.
Samantha: Okay.
Dad: What are your choices?
Samantha: Kickball with the boys, I can be with some of the older girls who are calling out to the boys, or I can play house with Michelle.
Dad: Well, you did a good job of coming up with three choices. No one answer is perfect, but which one looks like it would be the most fun for you?
Samantha: I think playing kickball would be the best.
Dad: Well, it sounds like you think it would be the best idea.
Let words like choose, decide & select crop up more & more in your everyday conversation.
STEP SEVEN--PLAN IT & MAKE A FINAL CHECK
When a child's good solution has "worked," it is because the feelings & perspectives of others were considered. Often children can encounter difficulty because they have acted on a good idea, but in an impulsive way.
Here is an example of how Step 7 fits into the decision-making process. Three fifth graders (ten-year olds) were feeling unhappy because they were doing poorly in a special math class. This trio painstakingly went through all the decision-making steps, ultimately selecting what they thought was their best solution, which was to have a direct talk with their teacher & ask her to slow down the pace a bit. They felt good about this idea, & the three of them walked into the teachers' lounge to express themselves to their teacher. Unfortunately their math teacher was taking her first break, a ten-minute lunch break, in a rather hectic day. In addition, she was finally getting a chance to chat with several of her colleagues. Before even two words got out of these well-intended students, they were firmly asked to leave the teachers' lounge by all of the teachers. These children felt discouraged & confused. The children became so wrapped up in their excellent decision making that they did not consider the feelings of their teacher by their interruption of her break. The step of "plan it & make a final check" refers to the politics & diplomacy of decision making.
How to Teach Your Child to Plan It & Make a Final Check
Be a Model. Think about times that you can think aloud so your children can see the "inside story." Here's a suggestion:
Shopping lists: I don't have much time to spend in the store. I'll go tomorrow & if I plan ahead of time what I need, I'll be able to do it quickly. I'll make a list now.
Encourage Expression, Acknowledge & Accept What You Hear. Here are some questions & prompts that we can use to help our children take stock of their plans:
To Check "When?"
1. When would be a good time to try that?
2. Will you be doing that today or tomorrow?
3. I wonder if it would be good to do that before or after dinner.
To Check "Where?"
1. Where do you think you could do that best?
2. Should that be done inside or outside?
To Check "How?"
1. What materials are important to have?
2. Is this the kind of thing that needs practice?
To Check "With Whom?"
1. I was wondering if you were planning on doing that alone or with Matthew?
2. Will you need to do it with anyone?
3. Betsy, Joey & Melissa are outside, are they part of the plan?
Use gentle questioning & praise when your child embarks on some planning of his idea. Gently suggesting that it's normal to encounter obstacles is an important contribution you can make.
Activities You Can Do
Games that require planning can be very valuable tools to help teach planning & dealing with obstacles.
Checkers: Children who play checkers learn how to plan their moves & look out for obstacles. For example, "If I move my piece to this square on the right, she can jump me. I'd better move to the left."
Tic-Tac-Toe: Similarly, planning & dealing with obstacles comes up all the time in this ageless game. In some way we have all thought something like this at some time or another. "Uh, oh...she put her X in the space that I wanted to go in...maybe I should put my O in the other space."
Dot-to-Dot: It's a terrific activity to assist younger children in planning & anticipating their next move.
Your contribution as a teacher of decision making in these table games is to comment out loud about your own & your child's moves in a timely way. Simply state something like, "Oh, I've really got an obstacle now that you've put your piece here." Basically what you'd be doing is labeling for your child in decision-making terms what he or she is doing.
Plan & Play. In this game someone starts off with stating where he or she would like to go for a trip or vacation. The rest of the group then begins, one at a time, naming what they think would be important to bring along in order to have a successful experience. The main point, of course, is the planning activity.
Mom: I've decided to go to Hawaii for a vacation. I know I have to plan before I play. What do you think I should bring with me & how should I best prepare?
Family responses: Get luggage, swimming suit, beach hat, sandals, beach umbrella, suntan lotion, beach towel, sunglasses, contact a travel agent, select an airline & leave word with relatives & friends regarding where you are staying. (At various points here, Mom &/or Dad can compliment the children for the good ideas.)
Here's another situation:
Dad: I've decided to play some tennis. I know I have to plan before I play. How should I prepare?
Family responses: Make sure you have a partner, put gas in the car, make sure that there is an open court, get your sneakers, find your racket & tell others how long you'll be away.
Roadblock. This analogy is wonderful for teaching children to anticipate that something may occur to get in the way of even the most well-thought-out solutions. Children can be prepared by their parents to expect the unexpected. As a family teaching activity, "Roadblock" means that after someone has a solution & a plan, you offer an Obstacle to think about. You can use "Roadblock" in activities such as "Plan & Play." For example, as a follow-up to the family's planning Mom's Hawaiian vacation, Mom can say, "Let's make believe. I'll come up with some problems with my plan, & then you see if you can help out."
1. Family Plan: Pack your swimsuit.
Mom's Roadblock: What if it doesn't fit?
2. Family Plan: Contact a travel agent.
Mom's Roadblock: I don't know of any travel agent I can trust.
3. Family Plan: Get three suitcases.
Mom's Roadblock: But I only have one suitcase.
Family Responses:
1. Lose weight, buy a new one, don't swim. (Mom & Dad can compliment these ideas).
2. Look in the yellow pages, ask Grandma, take a chance.
3. Take fewer things, use some shopping bags, borrow a bag from Aunt Susan.
Mapmaking & Path Planning. Maps used on trips away from home provide excellent opportunities to practice planning. Bring a map with you in the car, train or bus. Point out with your child your intended route. Elementary school children enjoy the activity of making their own neighbourhood map.
Emergency Planning. One of the best ways we have found to reinforce the "planning solutions" step is to train our children in home safety & potentially dangerous situations. For example, planning how to deal with strangers. Also, planning how to deal with being lost. Developing a plan about what to do if your child is lost is another family skill-building activity.
Dad: Tommy, what are some good ideas if you get lost at the zoo?
Tommy: Call out to you? Or try to find you & Mom?
Dad: Those are two ideas. How about another?
Tommy: Tell a zoo official?
Dad: Good, maybe we could develop a plan.
Tommy: Well, I remember you told me once to stay right where I am. Maybe I could do that & just wait for a zoo official to come along.
Dad: Good job. Is there anything we should check out.
Tommy: Well, what if I don't see a park officer for a really long time?
Dad: What do you think?
Tommy: Just wait & wait? Don't move.
Dad: That's right. Mom & I will find you. Good job, Son.
How Planning & Checking Can Keep Conflict Contained
Robbie & Frank have been arguing. After it's determined not to be Frank's fault, Dad has a chat with Rob:
Dad: So, it really gets you when your brother Frank (age 12, 7th grade), won't lend you his baseball glove.
Rob: (age 9, 4th grade) Yes, I get so mad at him, Dad. All I want to do is borrow it.
Dad: What ideas have you had about how to get a chance to use it?
Rob: I thought about paying him some money from my allowance or letting him borrow something of mine. But I need my money myself & there is nothing he really wants of mine. The easiest thing would be to ask him but that never seems to work.
Dad: Good job of thinking. Well, maybe there are different ways of asking him.
Rob: What do you mean?
Dad: Well, Rob, it may sound strange, but even the best solution can get messed up if you don't plan on the best time & the best place & the best way to put it to use.
Rob: You're thinking about when Frank said I just demand his glove.
Dad: I think that approach is messing you up...how could you change the way you ask it?
Rob: By really asking him, I guess...but I'm afraid to ask...I think he won't let me.
Dad: Well, it's not working the other way.
Rob: No...maybe I can ask him when he is in a good mood.
Dad: When's that?
Rob: Maybe after dinner when we're finished cleaning up.
Dad: I think you're right about that being a good time. Do you want me to be there?
Rob: Why don't you stay. If you're in the room, he might say yes. If you're gone, he might just do it his same old way.
Dad: Rob...good job of planning. I'll check with you later & we'll see how things work out for you.
If Dad had demanded that Frank share with his brother, Frank would be resentful not only of Rob, but of his dad as well. Also, Rob would have been rewarded for acting impulsively & unfairly. Rather, Dad let Rob experience the discomfort that can come from acting impolitely. Without that feeling of discomfort, Rob might have felt little incentive to try & change.
Planning a solution translates into being sensitive to the social politics & social graces of the real world. Children need to learn how important it is to be able to put themselves in someone else's shoes & try to imagine how well the planned idea will go over. When the solution involves some kind of person-to-person contact, we emphasise that children should be careful not to be overly intrusive or demanding. For example, we ask that they be sensitive about choosing the best time to talk, or whether something should be said in a one-to-one or group setting. Often we actually have children rehearse out loud what they will say & how they will say it. Hearing their ideas out loud can change their view & allows a "final check." It also allows for a child to anticipate what words & what tone of voice to use.
STEP EIGHT--TRY IT & RETHINK IT
Imagine that you are about to parachute from an airplane. You know what you are supposed to do. You've made a final check of your parachute. When you stop & think about how it will all go, you can see it going well. If you run into difficulty, you know how to pull your back up rip cords. You've used your decision-making skills to the fullest.
Picture yourself at the moment before the jump, gazing at the ground from the airplane. Perhaps you are experiencing signs of hesitant feelings in your throat, your mouth, the palms of your hands, your stomach. But you also might feel excited & pleased--all your work can now get you to your goal!
You are on the edge of our final decision-making step--the step in which you act & try out your plan. There is always a mixture of hesitation & positive anticipation as you face the challenge of carrying out your decision or solving your problem. You should now have a sense of the importance of the last decision-making step--it's a long way from thinking to doing. In the same way, it is not enough to equip children with a way to think through problems & make decisions. We must give them the confidence to act & the conviction to learn from their actions.
If your child tends to be quiet or unassertive, a youngster with good ideas but still hesitant to try them, our final decision-making step will help you draw them out.
Rethinking is, to us, a part of trying. Rethinking means you ask yourself, "What happened? How well did it work? Did I meet my goal or solve my problem? What obstacles did I meet up with? What can I do differently next time?" By teaching our children to ask themselves these questions, we make it possible for their future plans & actions to work more smoothly & wind up more successfully. We are preparing them for the times when we won't be available to help them plan for the "next time."
How to Teach Your Child to Try It & Rethink It
Be a Model. Sometimes your child knows what to do & just doesn't do it. To help our children learn some self-prodding, we'll think aloud:
"They collect garbage again tomorrow. That's a lot of work for me. But it's got to go out. The garbage can is full, the garbage in the kitchen is starting to smell! Here comes a two-minute commercial--let's see if I can do it & not miss any of the program!"
Model how you follow up on your plans & rethink them, to help you next time. Sometimes our actions work out & sometimes we fail. If your children are to become skillful decision makers, they need to learn from their actions: Either do it the same way next time, change it so it will work, or change it to try & make it better.
Be a Positive Model: I made it! The garbage is now out of the way, & I didn't miss any of the program. I'll try it again that way next week!
Be a Constructive Model: Oh no! I missed about five minutes of the program. Next time, I'm going to think first about where we keep the ties to close the garbage bags--they're with the silverware, not with the bags.
Also model how you follow up a plan. You can use important, personal matters, such as asking your boss for a raise:
"Well, I planned to ask her, I did it & she said yes. If I didn't try it, who knows when I would have gotten a raise. It really does pay to try!"
"Well, I planned to ask her, I did it & she said she'd think about it. But, you know, I asked her when she was very busy--it's better to wait until someone isn't busy to ask important questions. Next time I'll wait until the right time, then I'll try it."
Encourage Expression. Most children--like most adults--do not like to be "pushed" too strongly to do something. We've developed a method for encouraging action that we call "Gentle Prodding." There are several types of "Gentle Prodding:"
1. Remind about the goal:
What was it you wanted?
What is it you're trying to do?
What will happen if your plan works?
2. Be encouraged & confident:
I can't wait to hear how it turns out.
I know you can do it.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better time.
3. Get out any fears: (generate consequences)
What do you think might go wrong?
What if _____ does go wrong? What will happen?
What's the worst thing what can happen?
+ + +
Watch how "Gentle Prodding" leads into a Role Play--a dress rehearsal--for Vito & his mom.
Mom: What is it that you're going to do tonight?
Vito: I was going to walk over to Theresa's house & see if she wanted to go out.
Mom: Sounds like fun. I can't wait to hear how it goes!
Vito: Oh, I don't know.
Mom: What do you think could possibly go wrong?
Vito: She may, you know...think I'm a jerk.
Mom: Mmm. What was it that you were planning to say to her?
Vito: Uh, um, I'll say, uh, hey, Terri, what's doing?
Mom: Listen, let's have a dress rehearsal to practice. I'll be Terri, you be Vito & come up to me & show me what you'd do...
Accept & Acknowledge What You Hear. So many of us are busy parents (or tired when we're not busy!) that our children may hesitate to "bother" us about their plans. Give your child a clear invitation to talk with you.
Activities You Can Do
Breakfast--Plan. In many families the tone of the day seems to be set at breakfast. On these occasions when you are sitting at the table with one of your children, we suggest that gentle prodding can make it more likely that an action takes place. When our children leave for school not worrying about whether or not to carry out their plans, they have more energy left for learning.
Dinnertime--Review. There is usually some time during the week when you can give your children the opening to tell you what they've done. This follow-up lets your children know you are genuinely interested in their problems & gives you a chance to help them rethink their plans.
Be Prepared. An area in which decision making has been valuable is in helping children prepare reports & presentations for class. The steps are woven into a work sheet that we call Be Prepared. It provides a guideline that can be used over & over again, for different reports & topics, for years.
Be Prepared
Step One: Put your problem & goals into words.
1. What is your topic? ________________
2. What are some things you would like to learn or answer about the topic?
Step Two: List some different places you can look for information.
1. Write at least five places you could possibly look for information.
a.
b.
c.
d.
e.
2. Plan which ones you will try first--when, where, how can you do it?
3. If these ideas do not work, who else could you ask for some others?
Step Three: Think of as many different ways to present the topic as you can.
1. Write at least three ways to present your topic. If you are doing a written report, put down three ways to write it up.
a.
b.
c.
2. For each of these ways, think of the consequences, choose your best solution & plan how you will do it.
Step Four: Make a final check!
1. Does your presentation answer the topic & the questions you asked? Is it clear? It is neat? Is the spelling correct? Will others enjoy it?
Family Problem Solving. In a home of encouragement, family members often share their problems & use each other as sources of support or ideas. Schedule a time during the week that will be the time for "Family Problem Solving." Someone starts by saying, "Okay, who has a problem to share--either one you have or someone else's you've heard about?" Some families like to put their problems on index cards--then they shuffle the cards & read them in the order they get picked. Other families just have anyone speak who wishes to.
Decision-Making Diary. Keep track of your experiences so you can learn from them. We should grow up in decision making & not repeat old mistakes too often, not get stuck on problems we've solved before, & not get into a rut using the same plans over & over after conditions have changed.
Decision-Making Diary
Today's Date______
I am feeling
Because
My goal is that
I am going to stop & think of as many solutions as I can, & I am going to think about their consequences.
Solutions I might try:
If I try it, what can happen next?
My best solution is
& my plan for solving the problem is that I will
After I checked my plan & tried it, I found that it worked
Next time, I might
Recall Past Success. By helping your child rethink similar circumstances in the past that went well, you make it more likely that his or her decision-making powers will not weaken under stress.
Handling Everyday Problems: Terror at 6 p.m.
What is 6 p.m. terror? To put it simply, it's the final exam for you as a decision-making parent. It's that point in the day just before dinner--one or two parents arriving home from a hard day's work, dinner to be prepared, kids tired & hungry, mail waiting to be read, perhaps a phone call to make or receive. You can fill in the rest from your own experience. How this time period is handled influences how the rest of the evening goes. Even more than that, it affects whether you see home as a haven away from the day's stress or a place where triumph gives way to turmoil. It's a test of anyone's decision-making mettle.
What do you notice in the typical home? Careful listening isn't occurring. No one is asking for help in a way others can really hear. The family is trying to do many things at once: Greet each other, share events of the day, read the mail, prepare dinner. There can't be much (if any!) decision making with all this confusion.
Look what this family did: Young Ted has suggested that they talk about "the terror" at Family Problem Solving time. They took their copy of the decision-making steps off the bulletin board, got a blank Decision-Making Diary sheet, & sat down:
Dad: This was a good idea. We weren't getting anywhere the old way.
Ted: (15 years old) Thanks, Dad.
Mom: I'd like to start with my feelings when I come home. I'm looking forward to seeing all of you & hearing about your day. But I'm also worried about getting dinner ready so you can do your homework or whatever before it gets too late. And I kind of feel a little jumpy until I see the mail.
Katie: (9 years old) I want to see everybody & I get all excited. I like to show you my work at school, too.
This discussion continues & everyone put the problem into words just about the same way: "I'm trying to do a lot of things at once & none of them get done well."
Dad: If we can try to do one or two things at 6 p.m. & plan a way to do other things later, maybe things won't be so terrible.
Mom: That's what we should call it: "The terror."
Dad: Yes. Anyway, it sounds good. We'll be like a band.
Katie: Or like my softball team!
Dad: How about if everyone tries to think of the two most important family goals he or she'd like to try to meet at 6 p.m.
Dad started by praising Ted's idea, & Ted acknowledged it. Mom labeled the goings-on at 6 p.m. as "the terror"--that somehow makes things seem more contained, manageable, solvable. Ted & Katie both took the new idea of family goals & linked them to familiar ideas: A band & a team. Then Dad suggested that they think of alternative goals before deciding. In a home of encouragement, families can work together to try different solutions to their common problems. In the spirit of decision making, there is at least a way to try to improve things. Let's look back on our family's progress:
Mom: So our first goal is to talk with each other a bit about our day. And since we don't want Katie to faint or Dad to get a headache from hunger, we'll have some fruit or something like that to eat while we talk.
Dad: I don't know...but it's got to be better than "the terror." Let's give it a try. We can take turns getting snack ready.
Katie: I'm home--I can wash things!
Mom: Wonderful!
Ted: I'll be home sometimes by three-thirty--I can help set up or something.
Mom: Tomorrow, we'll try it & see what happens.
This family has transformed a traumatic time into a tolerable time. Sound decision making can become a habit that children learn & take with them when they are at school, with friends, & eventually use when they become parents themselves.
SPECIAL APPLICATIONS OF THE DECISION-MAKING STRATEGY
Dealing with the "normal" developmental issues that teenagers frequently encounter is the initial focus of this part of the book. Parents who teach decision making to their children will become better decision makers themselves.
Keeping the Channels Open with Your Teenager
At a presentation to a group of parents of junior high & high school students, the parents seemed a little nervous. A question blurted out: "How many of you were ever teenagers--please raise your hands." Amazingly, fewer than half of the parents raised their hands! A follow-up question was asked: "Excuse me, Sir. I noticed your hand wasn't up. Were you ever a teenager, even for a short time?" "Well, no, I mean, uh, yes, of course. But it was different. I wasn't, you know, I would, uh, well, uh..."
After this brief exchange, the parents were able to relax a bit. They began to face up to their own embarrassment & uncertainty about the teenage years. We talked about it as a time of transition, as "cute" children gradually turn into "mature" adults. There is no blueprint for how this transition is supposed to occur. And it's natural for parents to want to help their children avoid the "mistakes" or the hurt feelings they encountered during their teenage years. How youngsters come through the transition is very important. Our feeling is that children will be better prepared for the adult world if they learn to use decision making to help them through difficult times. Teenagers especially are often on their own & frequently must make decisions when parents are not around. So we want our teenagers to know how to make decisions that will be sound & healthy.
Put Away Your Crystal Ball
Sometimes we use our past history as teenagers to "predict" our child's future. Even if you are sure you are correct, too much use of your crystal ball can demoralise your teenagers, rob them of confidence &, most importantly, cut off their room to grow & change.
There are some signs that can tell you if your crystal ball is working overtime. Watch out for too-frequent statements like these:
"He'll never_____"
"You're just feeling_____"
"I know. It happened to me & the same thing will happen to you."
"She's going to______. How do I know? I just know!"
"It's nothing. In a few days, you'll forget it."
"I knew it. I knew it would happen that way!"
If you are not convinced of the possible harm a crystal ball can have, consider this: Your teenager probably has a crystal ball also. And it may work something like this:
"Why tell my father? He just says it's nothing."
"I can't tell my mom. She'll tell me what happened to her, or to Aunt Rosie, or something. She doesn't listen to me."
"She always tells me how I'm feeling. I don't need to hear it."
"He always knows what I'm going to do. Well, I'm gonna show him something he'd never expect."
The less you rely on your crystal ball with your teenager, the more channels you will keep open.
Tune into the Channels on Which Your Teenager Is Broadcasting
As parents learn what channel their teenager is broadcasting on, reception becomes clearer. There's less static, & the message can be received & responded to accurately. Here's a quick guide to your teenager's broadcast channels.
Channel S: "I need support." For even the most well-adjusted teenager, there will be times when the going gets rough. Perhaps a difficult exam, or a bad game, or an argument with a friend has taken place. If there is a new challenge being faced, you may detect some uncertainty in your adolescent. When your teenager shows signs of being concerned or of being "down" or of being a bit uptight, you are probably receiving broadcasts from Channel S.
Channel H: "I need help." Channel H is usually activated during some very specific task like fixing a bicycle or a car or doing a homework assignment. You will probably notice clear signs of frustration, like the slamming down of a pen or tools, perhaps some groaning, or even, "I give up." While your crystal ball may tell you to say, "I'll help you," or "I didn't think you could do it," refrain from expressing its findings & read below about how to use the decision-making steps to keep the channels open.
Channel F: "I need to save face." To be a teenager is, at times, to suffer embarrassment. Sometimes it is caused by peers. But sometimes family members cause feelings of shame or resentment. ("He's such a good piano player. Play for Uncle Leo & Aunt Bea. Come on. He'll play--he loves to. Won't you play? Play? PLAY!") When your teenager needs to save face, to deal with some revelation or incident that exposed an imperfection or two, you may learn about it directly. But you can also tell that Channel F is on if your teenager avoids seeing certain people or rejects certain phone calls. Channel H is more general--it covers lots of situations but most often focuses on your child & some task or object. Channel F is a public channel--it involves other people & is focused around a very limited program content: How to save face.
Channel L: "Please listen to me." Channel L is the most widely broadcasted channel. You can tell it's on when your teenager approaches you about talking, or leaves an opening that suggests something is the matter. ("Oh, nothing...really." "Things went fine. Well, okay." "Yes, I'm great, I guess.") You'll have to really fine-tune this channel. Most often your child will have some confusion or indecision that he or she thinks could benefit from being talked about. Remember, Channel L is not "Please tell me what to do." It's "Please listen to me." By listening & eliciting information, you will keep the channel open & perhaps help your teenagers resolve whatever concerns them.
Channel A: "I'm looking for an argument." There are times when your teenager is filled with upset or even just boisterous or contentious feelings; he or she just may be looking for an argument. Signs of Channel A include surly or defiant behaviour, challenges to your authority & negative statements. Nothing you say is right or even acceptable. Parents whose teenagers are broadcasting on Channel A but think their children are broadcasting on Channel S (Support) or L (Listen) are in for a particularly tough time. The longer you tune into A, the more likely it is you will be drawn into conflict. Sometimes you may be looking for a good argument--but if you're not, then you'll want to turn off Channel A & open up other channels.
Fine-Tuning
Of all the decision-making steps there are three which are special & most useful for your teenager.
Decide On Your Goal: Many teenagers, particularly when in a stressful, decision-making situation like dating or joining a club, are like the doubters who believed they would never again see Christopher Columbus after he set sail. Believe it or not, many teenagers believe the World is flat. More accurately, they believe that if their goal is not met, it is as if they have really sailed off the end of the Earth.
Teenagers feel that their present goal is their only goal. Teenagers sometimes focus on one aspect of the personality or talents & forget about the rest. They are trying to establish a stable sense of who they are & it is quite important. To help them keep a healthy perspective, you can help by asking your teenagers to consider alternative goals.
Choose your best solution. Teenagers are very concerned about what their peers think of their actions. At times the risk of making a decision is very high. "What will my friends think of me?" "What will they say?" "What will they do?" These are the questions that go through a teenager's mind & create what is commonly called peer pressure. Choosing the best solution is an important defense against peer pressure. With teenagers, however, it is important to especially emphasise two words: Choose your best solution. The message your teenagers need to receive is that they should choose an action that is in their best interest.
It's sometimes very hard for parents to avoid saying something is "wrong." We need to show teens our confidence in their decision-making skills, & at the same time we can remind them of their responsibility to make a sound decision.
Try it & rethink it. It is important to encourage shy & anxious teenagers to try their well-thought-out decisions. Afterwards they can rethink what happened to learn for next time.
Keep the Channels Open
There are three rules to follow:
1. Listen more.
2. Withhold judgment longer.
3. Ask questions that stimulate your teenager's decision making.
Questions You Can Ask to Help Keep the Channels Open
To help your child think about the 8 decision-making steps:
1. Look for signs of different feelings.
2. Tell yourself what the problem is.
3. Decide on your goal.
4. Stop & think of as many solutions to the problem as you can.
5. For each solution, think of all the things that might happen next.
6. Choose your best solution.
7. Plan it & make a final check.
8. Try it & rethink it.
Consider asking your child questions like these (numbers correspond to those above):
1. How are you feeling? Am I right in thinking your voice sounds a bit nervous?
2. What would you say is the problem?
3. What do you want to have happen? What's your goal in doing that?
4. What are all the different ways you can think of to reach your goal?
5. If you _______, what might happen? What do you think might happen if you do that? What else?
6. Which of your ideas do you think is best for you? Which idea has the best chance of meeting your goal?
7. What will have to happen so you can carry out your idea? What do you think could possibly go wrong or block your plan?
8. What happened when you tried out your plan? What did you learn that might help you next time?
Decision-Making Digest
We've found that parents can be most successful at encouraging sound decision making by their children if they keep the channels of communication open. This involves:
1. Putting aside one's crystal ball.
2. Recognising certain messages that are most frequently broadcast by adolescents.
3. Listening carefully.
4. Withholding judgment.
5. Asking questions that stimulate decision-making thinking.
6. Paying special attention to the three decision-making steps that are most useful during the teenage years: 3 (decide on your goal), 6 (choose your best solution) & 8 (try it & rethink it).
NOT FOR CHILDREN'S PROBLEMS ONLY: PRACTICING WHAT YOU TEACH
We use decision making in our adult lives as consumers, organisers of households, friends, voters & in countless other ways. You too can use the eight steps to get through tough situations: Shopping, managing your time, paying bills, dealing with difficult neighbours & handling your relatives. If you do use a decision-making strategy, we think you avoid a good deal of stress & hassle. If you're coping better, you can set a happier tone in your family, which can be contagious! You'll be in a better frame of mind to teach decision making to your child.
Overall Summary
As the years go by, our children spend less time with us at home. We need to feel confident in them as we let them go. How can we be assured they'll do fine, be able to handle the inevitable peer pressures, dares & embarrassing moments that will confront them? If they've developed a decision-making ability to fall back on, they'll be able to cope with a wide range of different situations.
Your children's ability to recognise & understand their own & others' feelings was the first skill. Then if they could literally put the problem into words, they made difficulties somehow more manageable. The third step was for your youngsters to try to focus on one goal at a time: What do you really want to have happen? There is always more than one solution to a problem that they can think of.
We next started helping our children to try to anticipate the consequences of their ideas. We all need to slow down from trying out an idea so we could back step in order to consider what would happen next. The next skills were choose a solution, plan it out, make a final check & try it & think about how it worked. Anticipate obstacles. Even the best-thought-out solutions might run into difficulties. Helping your child become prepared for difficulties eases the impact of such experiences & minimises his or her feeling discouraged. Planning is of critical importance when a child puts ideas into practice. Be flexible in how you teach decision making so you & your child don't feel overwhelmed.
Growing Older Is Not Easy: The Big Decisions
Here are some different problems & issues that arise at different ages.
Age 18-22: Training & education; College; "Should I live away from home or not?"
Age 22-28: Marriage; Having children; Job; Career.
Age 29-34: Making our choices work; Questioning the family & career choices; Purchasing a house; Schooling your children.
Age 35-43: Rethinking our plans & goals; Rush to reach all of the dreams that we had for ourselves when we were young; A feeling of racing against time; Time of reflection on the accomplishment & desires of youth that have finally been reached.
Our children are also growing more adultlike & nearing the time to make life decisions about how & when to leave home & operate independently.
Compromise between our youthful dreams & the realities of adult life.
Age 43-60: New decisions to be carried out & some new roles; Settling down; Acceptance of ourselves; Our children will be either teenagers & out of the house a good deal of time, or out altogether; Women may take on a fulltime career outside of the home; Less interest in career advancement.
Age 53-60:
New roles as grandparents.
Age 60 & Beyond: More rethinking & lots to cope with; Decisions about where & how to live; Adjusting flexibility to losses of our own parents; Time of retirement from a career; Decisions about our own health & that of our partners; Adjustment to living alone; New financial realities.
Decision Making to Sort Out Adult Relationships
Imagine that you have just had a disagreement with your spouse or a close friend. You both are suffering through another of many periods of not talking to one another. You are beginning to feel more & more stuck in this conflict & you want to do something about it. You get a chance to think about how decision making is shaping your child to be more & more capable at generating various alternative solutions. At this point you decide to do the same thing in your situation, that is, to use problem solving. You think to yourself:
1. Look for signs of different feelings.
2. Tell yourself what the problem is.
3. Decide on your goal.
You think to yourself: Boy, do I have those first three steps down pat. I feel hurt because we're not talking & I want us to be close again.
4. Think of as many solutions as you can.
Well, I could break the ice by kidding around. I could come right to the point & say that not talking is just not good for either of us & that we should start communicating better. I could bring up again the whole reason why we are disagreeing: My wanting to buy a new car.
Somewhere along the line, you are beginning to feel less sad about the "not talking" problem because you have started doing something constructive about the difficulty. Decision making has helped you start resolving the situation.
Decision Making for Me
We like having that feeling of being "unstuck" so much, that we truly practice what we preach. We've put the decision-making steps into a self-questioning format & we'd like to share that with you now. We call this work sheet, "Decision Making for Me." You might want to put a copy on your dresser at home, in your pocketbook, wallet or glove compartment. The whole point is when you're confused or upset, referring to a concrete guide like "Decision Making for Me" can help.
Decision Making for Me
1. What part of me feels uncomfortable? How am I feeling about what's happening?
2. What specifically has been occurring that makes me feel uncomfortable?
3. Being as clear as I can be, what is my goal?
4. What solutions can I come up with that will help me reach my goal?
5. What might happen if I_____or if I_____?
6. Which solution seems to be the best one for me?
7. I need a plan. How & when should I put my solutions into action?
--What possible obstacles are out there?
--How could I deal with them?
8. Okay. Time to try out my solution. I'll see how it goes.
9. How did it go & what did I learn from it?
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How Can I Know What God's Will Is?--The Seven Ways to Know God's Will
Every one of us has countless decisions which we must face every day of our lives. Every time of conflict, of testing & trial, is a time of decision. But the point is, how do you make your decisions? How can you know you are making the right ones, those which will bring the right results & help you achieve your goals?
For true Christians, making a decision is actually finding out what God's Will is; what God knows will be best according to how He sees the situation. After all, only God is way out there in front, & only He knows what is going to happen, & only He is able to lead us.
The following seven points will help you to more clearly & easily discover the Will of God for your life.
The Seven Ways to Know God's Will
No.1: The Word is the first place we look to find the Will of God! The Bible is the sure Word of God & it never fails! In God's Word you can find the answer to every question & the solution to every problem.
No.2: The Voice of God's Word is when the Lord brings to mind a certain verse or passage from the Scriptures, or as you are reading, all of a sudden a verse seems to jump at you as if it were written just for you!
No.3: Direct Revelation. Sometimes God uses a dream or vision, a voice or prophetic message to show you what to do. You know it is from God if it agrees with & doesn't contradict His Word.
No.4: Godly Counsellors. When finding God's Will in a decision, it is often wise to ask others for their opinion. However, it is important to weigh the counsel you receive & to prayerfully consider the source it comes from. How reliable are their leadings from the Lord? "By their fruits," Jesus says, "you will know them!"--Mat.7:20.
No.5: Open & Closed Doors. If something is God's Will, He'll usually open the door to make it possible! Which direction is God providing or opening the way & the means to do it? That is one way to find out the direction God is leading. Circumstances & conditions are not always the final criteria for finding the Will of God, but they can sometimes be an indication.
No.6: Burdens, strong impressions or feelings, can sometimes be an indication of God's leading. It isn't always wise to go by feelings, but if something is really of God you'll have an inner conviction, what many Christians call "the witness of the Holy Spirit!"
No.7: A Fleece is a term given to a system of check & doublecheck with God. It's like an agreement with God to show you if you are on the right track or not. (Like Gideon did in Judges 6:36-40.)
Of course the first requirement in finding God's Will is in having no will of your own! Surrender your will, your body, your mind to the Lord & let Him make the decisions, & you'll never be disappointed!--Rom.12:1,2.
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