HIDE OR SEEK?--By James Dobson
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!
John McKay, the great football coach at the University of Southern California, was interviewed on television a few years ago, & the subject of his son's athletic talent was raised. John Junior was a successful player on his dad's team. Coach McKay was asked to comment on the pride he must feel over his son's accomplishments on the field. His answer was most impressive:
"Yes. I'm pleased that John had a good season last year. He does a fine job & I am proud of him. But I would be just as proud of him if he had never played the game at all."
Coach McKay was saying, in effect, that John's football talent is recognised & appreciated, but his human worth does not depend on his ability to play football. So his son would not lose his respect if the next season brought failure & disappointment. John's place in his dad's heart was secure, being independent of his performance. I wish every child could say the same!
The matter of personal worth is not only the concern of those who lack it. In a real sense, the health of an entire society depends on the ease with which its individual members can gain personal acceptance. Thus, whenever the keys to self-esteem are seemingly out of reach for a large percentage of the people, as in 20th century America, then widespread "mental illness", neuroticism, hatred, alcoholism, drug abuse, violence & social disorder will certainly occur. Personal worth is not something human beings are free to take or leave. We must have it, & when it is unattainable, everybody suffers.
The heart of this book, then, is devoted to a description of some comprehensive "strategies" for building self-esteem, each one focusing on a particular area of concern.
BEAUTY!
Without question, the most highly valued personal attribute in our culture (& in most others) is physical attractiveness.
When my little girl was 15 months of age, she had physical features which seemingly appealed to adults. Her mother dressed her attractively, & there was considerable warmth & affection shown to Danae wherever she went. People would hold her in their arms, tease her, & give her candy. The attention that she received is typically given to any child who is thought to be cute or attractive. It is neither sought nor earned; it is given spontaneously by the adult world.
However, 3 months after her first birthday, she rearranged her features for the worse. Danae was learning to run & her mother was playfully chasing her through the house; suddenly the little toddler darted to the left, losing her balance. She had fallen into the sharp edge of a table in the living room, catching her front tooth squarely as she went down. The tooth had been driven completely into her gums, appearing to be knocked out. The inside of her lip was slashed & cut & she looked terrible!
Danae's head-on collision with the table had temporarily distorted the shape of her mouth, & since the cut was on the inner part of her lip, she appeared to have been born that way. All of the babyish appeal was now gone. The next evening, I took her with me to a store & had momentarily forgotten about her accident. But I noticed that people were responding differently to her than they had earlier. They would look at her, & then turn away. Instead of the warmth, love & tenderness previously offered to her, there was a rejection & coolness which they unconsciously demonstrated. They were not trying to be mean; they simply did not find her attractive any longer. I was irritated by their reaction because it revealed the injustice in our value system. How unfair, it seemed, to reward a child for something he had not earned, or worse, to destroy him for circumstances beyond his control.
The Beauty Cult. It is surprising just how effectively we teach our small children to appreciate the beauty cult. In examining the traditional literature of childhood, I was amazed to see how many of the age-old stories center around physical attractiveness in one form or another. Consider these examples.
1) The Ugly Duckling. Here is a familiar story about an unhappy little bird who was rejected by the better-looking ducks. Symbolising the plight of every unattractive child, the ugly duckling was disturbed by his grotesque appearance. Fortunately for him, however, he had a beautiful swan inside which surfaced in young adulthood. (The story does not mention the ugly duckling who grew up to be an ugly duck!) How many children wait patiently for their beautiful swan to appear, seeing things go from bad to worse during adolescence?
2) Sleeping Beauty. Why was this story not titled "Sleeping Ugly"?--Because the prince would not have awakened her with a gentle kiss! He would have let a homely little princess go on resting. Her beauty was an essential ingredient in the romantic tale.
If a child is odd or noticeably different, he has certainly heard about his "deformity" from his friends & neighbours during pre-school days. Without meaning to hurt others, children can be terribly brutal to one another. Some youngsters feel it their personal mission in life to point out everyone else's flaws & deficiencies. The unusual or different boy or girl has been informed of his unique characteristics from his earliest recollection. Life can be very uncomfortable, indeed, for the child who is too fat or too thin, too tall or too short, or besieged by a tornado of freckles, or whose nose curves up or down or to one side, or whose skin is ruddy, or whose hair is too curly or too straight, or one who has big feet or a crossed eye, or protruding ears, or a large "behind", or any other noticeable distortion!
What irreparable damage is done to a homely child whose parents do not intervene on his behalf. Every day he is confronted by his own appearance & there is no escape.
Beauty & Adolescence. If physical attractiveness is considered important during childhood, it becomes super-significant & all-consuming during adolescence. For a period of 4 to 6 years, following puberty, the child's entire physical & emotional apparatus is focused on the exciting new world of sex. He thinks about it, dreams about it, fantasises about it, & often sets out to do something about it. He is aflame with sexual curiosity, romanticism, & sheer biological passion. Now obviously, in this atmosphere of sexual tension, physical beauty outpaces all other values & ideals. The girl who is unusually attractive has the World at her feet. The handsome, athletic boy is king of the mountain. Most others, constituting the vast majority, look in the mirrors with disgust & disdain.
Beauty & the Adult. Choices made by adults are influenced one way or another by the attribute of beauty. A half-inch of flesh on the end of a woman's nose, for example, would likely rearrange her entire life, particularly affecting her selection of (or by) a marital partner. Most men attempt to "capture" a mate with the greatest possible beauty. Adults are hardly immune to the tyranny of the beauty cult, even though they're old enough to know better.
INTELLIGENCE!
Intelligence is another extremely critical attribute in evaluating the worth of a child, second only to beauty in importance. These two qualities are not merely desirable features that we hope our children will possess. They rank at the very top of our value system.
I talked recently with a family that applied for the adoption of a child. They had finally received the long-awaited telephone call, informing them that a baby had been selected for their consideration. The father told me how he questioned the representative from the adoption agency about the infant's history & heritage:
"Did the mother use drugs during pregnancy? How intelligent are the parents? How tall were they? How well did they do in school? What do they look like? Is any hereditary disease evident in them? What was the nature of the pregnancy & delivery? How long did labour last? What did the obstetrician say in his report? Has the child been seen by a pediatrician?"
"I realised," he said, "that I was inspecting & evaluating this child as if I were buying a new automobile. I was actually asking if this baby boy was `qualified' to become my son. I suddenly comprehended that the infant lying there before me was a magnificent human being, regardless of any flaws & disadvantages. He was the creation of God Himself, Who had given him an immortal soul, yet there I stood demanding a perfect child who could become a personal credit to me."
Middle-class parents vigorously compete with each other in raising the best-dressed, best-fed, best-educated, best-mannered, best-medicated, best-cultured & best-adjusted child on the block. The hopes, dreams & ambitions of an entire family sometimes rest on the shoulders of an immature child.
Unfortunately, exceptional children are just that--exceptions. To the contrary, the vast majority of our children are not dazzlingly brilliant, extremely witty, highly coordinated, tremendously talented, or universally popular! They are just plain kids with oversized needs to be loved & accepted as they are. Thus, the stage is set for unrealistic pressure on the younger generation & considerable disappointment for their parents.
If we are to understand our children--their feelings & behaviour--then we must sharpen our memories of our own childhood. Can you, the reader, recall the agonising moments when you felt incredibly dumb as a child? Can you feel, even today, the rush of hot blood to your ears & neck when you blundered into a social mistake? Do you remember withering under a deafening guffaw after you had said something foolish at school? Is it possible to feel, one more time, the sting or ridicule & disrespect from the whole World? Every child experiences uncomfortable moments like these, but alas, some youngsters live with disgrace every day of their lives. The child with less than average ability is often predestined for this maelstrom of despair.
STRATEGIES FOR ESTEEM! (Intro)
Although our task is more difficult for some children than for others, there are ways to teach a child of his genuine significance, regardless of the shape of his nose or the size of his ears or the efficiency of his mind. Every child is entitled to hold up his head, not in haughtiness & pride, but in confidence & security. This is the concept of human worth intended by our Creator. How foolish for us to doubt our value when He formed us in His Own image! His view of the beauty cult was made abundantly clear more than 3,000 years ago when Samuel was seeking a king for Israel. Samuel naturally selected the tallest, most handsome son of Jesse, but God told him he had chosen the wrong man, saying: "Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as Man seeth; for Man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." (1Samuel 16:7)
We parents have systematically been taught to worship beauty & brains, like everyone else. We all want superchildren who will amaze the World. Let's face it, folks: We have met the enemy & it is us! Often the greatest damage is unintentionally inflicted right in the home, which should be the child's sanctuary & fortress.
A sizeable portion of your child's self-concept emerges from the way he thinks you "see" him. He watches what you say & do with interest. He is more alert to your "statements" regarding his worth than any other subject, even reading your unspoken (& perhaps unconscious) attitudes.
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Children are a great deal more apt to follow your lead than the way you point.
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Love & Respect.--STRATEGIES FOR ESTEEM!
When the child is convinced that he is greatly loved & respected by his parents, he is inclined to accept his own worth as a person. However, I have observed that many children know intuitively that they are loved by their parents, but they do not believe they are held in high esteem by them. These seemingly contradictory attitudes are not so uncommon in human relationships. A wife can love her alcoholic husband, for example, yet disrespect him for what he has become. Thus, a child can conclude in his own mind, "Sure they love me because I'm their child--I can see that I'm important to them--but they are not proud of me as a person. I'm a disappointment to them, I've let them down. I didn't turn out like they had hoped."
It is very easy to convey love & disrespect at the same time. A child can know that you would actually give your life for him, if required, & yet your doubts about his acceptability show through. You are tense & nervous when he starts to speak to guests or outsiders. You butt in to explain what he was trying to say or laugh nervously when his remarks sound foolish. When someone asks him a direct question, you interrupt & answer for him. You reveal your frustration when you are trying to comb his hair or make him "look nice" for an important event. He knows you think it is an impossible assignment.
These subtle behaviours are signals to the child that you don't trust him with your image--that he must be supervised closely to avoid embarrassing the whole family. He reads disrespect in your manner, though it is framed in genuine love. The love is a private thing between you--whereas confidence & admiration are "other" oriented, having social implications to those outside the family.
Loving your child, therefore, is only half of the task of building self-esteem. The element of respect must be added if you are to counterbalance the insults which society will later throw at him.
Parental Insensitivity.--STRATEGIES FOR ESTEEM!
If there is one lesson parents need to learn most urgently, it is to guard what they say in the presence of their children. How many times, following a speaking engagement, have I been consulted by a parent regarding a particular problem her child is having. As Mom describes the gritty details, I notice that the object of all this conversation is standing about a yard behind her. His ears are 10 feet tall as he listens to a candid description of all his faults. I visibly flinch when I hear the parent unintentionally disassemble esteem in this fashion.
It is not just insensitive parents who blunder into this kind of foolishness. Sensitivity is a vitally important skill for teachers as well. Dr. Clyde Narramore, author & psychologist, describes being in a classroom where a teacher wanted to convey the concepts of "small" versus "large". She selected the tiniest little runt in the room, a withdrawn fellow who rarely made a sound, & instructed him to stand beside her at the front. "Small!" she said. "Sam is small." She then dismissed him & summoned the tallest girl in the class. "Large! Large! Sharon is very large!" said the teacher. Dr. Narramore said every child in the room could see Sam & Sharon blush in humiliation, but the teacher failed to notice. We cannot preserve the esteem of the next generation if our eyes are always aimed two feet above their bowed heads!
Fatigue & time pressure.--STRATEGIES FOR ESTEEM!
Routine panic is becoming an American way of life. I recently conducted an inquiry among 75 middle class married women, between 25 & 35 years of age. I asked them to indicate the sources of depression which most often send them into despair & gloom. Many common problems were revealed, including in-law conflicts, financial hardships, difficulties with children, sexual problems, & mood fluctuations associated with menstrual & physiological distress. But to my surprise, fatigue & time pressure was tagged as the most troublesome source of depression by half the group; the other half ranked it a close second!
It is obvious that many families live on a kind of last-minute, emergency schedule, making it impossible to meet the demands of their own overcommitments. Why do they do it? The women whom I surveyed admitted their dislike for the pace they kept, yet it has become a monster which defies containment. Faster & faster they run, jamming more & more activities into their hectic days. Even their recreation is marked by the same breakneck pace. There was a time when a man didn't fret if he missed a stage coach; he'd just catch it next month. Now if a fellow misses a section of a revolving door he's thrown into despair!
But guess who is the inevitable loser from this breathless lifestyle? It's the little guy who is leaning against the wall with his hands in the pockets of his jeans. He misses his father during the long day & tags around after him at night, saying, "Play ball, Dad!" But Dad is pooped. Besides, he has a briefcase full of work to be done. Mom had promised to take him to the park this afternoon, but then she had to go to that Women's Auxiliary meeting at the last minute. The lad gets the message--his folks are busy again. So he drifts into the family room & watches two hours of pointless cartoons & reruns on television.
Children just don't fit into a "to do" list very well. It takes time to be an effective parent when children are small. It takes time to introduce them to good books--it takes time to fly kites & play ball & put together jigsaw puzzles. It takes time to listen, once more, to the skinned-knee episode & talk about the bird with the broken wing. These are the building blocks of esteem, held together with the mortar of love. But they seldom materialise amidst busy timetables. Instead, crowded lives produce fatigue--& fatigue produces irritability--& irritability produces indifference--& indifference can be interpreted by the child as a lack of genuine affection & personal esteem.
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The best inheritance a parent can give to his children is a few minutes of his time each day.
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Rivals for love.--STRATEGIES FOR ESTEEM!
My son arrived on the scene when his sister was five years of age. She had been the only grand-daughter on either side of the family & had received all the adult attention that can be heaped upon a child. Then suddenly, her secure kingdom was invaded by a cute little fellow who captured & held the center stage. All of the relatives cuddled, cooed, rocked, bounced & hugged baby Ryan, while Danae watched suspiciously from the wings. As we drove home from Grandmother's house on a Sunday afternoon, about a week after Ryan's arrival, my daughter suddenly said, "Daddy, you know I'm just talking. You know, I don't mean to be bad or anything, but sometimes I wish little Ryan wasn't here!"
She had given us a valuable clue to her feelings in that brief sentence, & we immediately seized the opportunity she had provided. We moved her into the front seat of the car so we could discuss what she had said. We told her we understood how she felt & assured her of our love. We also explained that a baby is completely helpless & will die if people don't take care of him--feed, clothe, change & love him. We reminded her that she was taken care of that way when she was a baby, & explained that Ryan would soon grow up too. We were also careful in the months that followed to minimise the threat to her place in our hearts. By giving careful attention to her feelings & security, the relationship with her brother developed into a lasting friendship & love.
It is not difficult to convey love to more than one child simultaneously provided you put your mind (& heart) to it.
Rene Voeltzel said, "We must not look too soon in the child for the person he will later become." It is unfair & damaging to judge him too soon. Be patient & give your little fellow time to mature. Work gently on the traits that concern you the most, but by all means, allow him the privilege of being a child. He will be one for such a brief moment anyway.
THE "BOOB TUBE!"
Television, particularly the Saturday morning variety, is loaded with teenage trivia. Seemingly innocent programmes, such as "Archie & His Pals", are focused exclusively on the adolescent experience. By the time a child is six years old, he has spent thousands of hours before the great tube, learning the values, attitudes, dress, behaviour & thrills of those days to come.
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All television is educational television. The only question is, what is it teaching?
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I have some serious concerns about television's impact on our society, & particularly on our younger generation. According to Dr. Gerald Looney, University of Arizona, by the time the average preschool child reaches 14 years of age, he will have witnessed 18,000 murders on TV, countless hours of unrelated violence, nonsense, & unadulterated drivel! Dr. Saul Kapel states, furthermore, that the most time-consuming activity in the life of a child is neither school nor family interaction. It is television, absorbing 14,000 valuable hours during the course of childhood! This is equivalent to sitting before the tube 8 hours a day, continuously for 4.9 years!
It is my opinion that the mother who plants her impressionable preschool child in front of the television set for the sake of her own convenience is making a mistake with irrevocable consequences!
TEACH YOUR CHILD A "NO-KNOCK" POLICY!
One of the most obvious characteristics of a person who feels inferior is that he talks about his deficiencies to anyone who will listen. A woman who thinks she's dumb will admit freely, "I am really bad at math; I can hardly add two & two." This kind of self-denigration is not as uncommon as one might think. Listen to yourself in the weeks that come. You might be surprised by how often you emphasise your faults to your friends!
While there is no virtue in becoming an image-conscious phoney, trying to be something we're not, I believe it is also a mistake to go to the other extreme. While you are blabbing about all of your ridiculous inadequacies, the listener is formulating his impression of you. He will later "see" you & treat you according to the evidence you've provided. After all, you're the expert on the subject! Furthermore, having put your feelings into words, they become solidified as fact in your own mind.
Therefore, we should teach a "no-knock" policy to our children. They should learn that constant self-criticism can become a bad habit, & it accomplishes nothing. There is a big difference between accepting blame when it is valid & in simply chattering about one's inferiority.
HELP YOUR CHILD TO COMPENSATE!
There is no emotional armour which will make your child impervious to rejection & ridicule in his social contacts. It will always hurt to be laughed at, snubbed, ignored, or attacked by others. But I would remind you at this point that human personality grows through mild adversity. Contrary to what you might believe, the ideal environment for your child is not one devoid of problems & trials. They deserve the right to face problems & profit from the confrontation.
I have experienced the value of minor stress from my own experience. My childhood was remarkably happy & carefree. I was loved beyond any doubt, & my academic performance was never a cause for discomfort. In fact, I have enjoyed happiness & fulfillment thus far in my entire lifetime, with the exception of two painful years. Those stressful days occurred during my 7th & 8th grade days, lasting through ages 13 & 14. During this period of time, I found myself in a social crossfire, giving rise to the same intense feelings of inferiority & self-doubt I have described herein. As strange as it seems, however, these two years have contributed more positive features to my adult personality than any other span of which I am aware. My empathy for others, my desire to succeed in life, my motivation in school, my understanding of inferiority, & my communication with teenagers are primarily the products of an agitated adolescence. Who would have thought anything useful could have come from those 24 months? Yet the discomfort proved to be a valuable instructor in this instance.
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A boy was so slow to learn to talk that his parents thought him abnormal and his teachers called him a "misfit". His classmates avoided him and seldom invited him to play with them. He failed his first college entrance exam at a college in Zurich, Switzerland. A year later he tried again. In time he became world famous as a scientist. His name: Albert Einstein.
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How can a child learn to cope with problems & frustration if his early experiences are totally without trial? A tree which is planted in a rain forest is never forced to extend its roots downward in search of water; consequently it remains poorly anchored & can be toppled by a moderate wind storm. By contrast, a mesquite tree planted in a dry desert is threatened by hostile environment. It can only survive by sending its roots more than 30 feet deep into the earth, seeking cool water. But through its adaptation to the arid land, something else happens. The well-rooted tree becomes strong & steady against all assailants. This illustration applies to our children, as well: Those who have learned to conquer their problems are more secure than those who have never faced them. Our task as parents, then, is not to eliminate every challenge for our children; it is to serve as a confident ally on their behalf, encouraging when they are distressed, intervening when the threats are overwhelming, & above all, giving them the tools with which to overcome the obstacles.
Inferiority can either crush & paralyse an individual, or it can provide tremendous emotional energy which powers every kind of success & achievement. Where do you suppose the former World's champion chess player, Bobby Fischer, got the drive & ambition to read chess, play chess, think chess, & dream chess 24 hours a day? Merv Griffin asked him that question on his television show. "It was some people thinking maybe I wasn't as good as they were when I was a kid," Fischer replied.
Will your child collapse under the weight of inferiority, or will he use it to supercharge his initiative & drive? Will he "hide" or "seek"? The answer will probably depend on whether he has skills with which he can compensate. And, I repeat, it is your job as a parent to help him find them. Perhaps he can establish his niche in music--many children do. Maybe he can develop his artistic talent or learn to write or cultivate mechanical skills or build model airplanes or raise rabbits for fun & profit. Regardless of what the choice is, the key is to start him down that road early!
"Number-One Tennis Player in the High School." My own dad decided when I was eight years old that he was going to teach me to play tennis. I was not at all enthusiastic about this offer, because it meant hard work. My dad didn't mess around when he decided to teach me something. I knew it meant drill & sweat & blisters. I would much rather have been playing cowboys & Indians with my friends in the neighbourhood. But my dad wanted me to play tennis, & I respected him too much to turn him down. So we spent several agonising Saturdays on the court. He would hit me a ball & I'd whack it over the fence, & then have to go get it. I couldn't have been less motivated, but I tried to act involved. "You think I'm getting it, Dad?" I said, as another ball flew straight up.
About a month later, however, things began to click. I started to feel good when I hit the ball right. One afternoon, a little fellow my age came up & asked if I'd play him a game. Well, I'd never thought about it, but I didn't see why not. So we played a set of tennis--& I beat him--& I liked that! I slowly began to realise what this game had to offer me. The spark of enthusiasm turned into a flame that still burns. All through high school & college it was my source of self-confidence. If asked to write, "Who am I?" during the trials of adolescence, I would have begun, "I'm the number-one tennis player in the high school." If my dad had not planted his thumb in my back, urging me to try something new, I'd have never known what I missed. I am thankful that he helped me compensate. Have you done as much for your child? Compensation could be your child's best weapon against inferiority.
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He was only three years old when his father died. "So that," he said, "I grew up under the care of my blessed mother. She developed my early talent for drawing, and encouraged me in my visits to the machine-shops of the town." Robert was a poor pupil at school, however, and the teacher complained to his mother. Whereupon Mrs. Fulton replied proudly: "My boy's head, sir, is so full of original notions that there is no vacant chamber in which to store the contents of your musty books." "I was only ten years old at that time," said Fulton, "and my mother seemed to be the only human being who understood my natural bent for mechanics."
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FREEDOM & RESPONSIBILITY!
Marguerite & Willard Beecher, authors of an excellent book called "Parents on the Run", first described the concept I have presented. They stated that the parent must gain his freedom from the child, so that the child can gain his freedom from the parent. Think about that for a moment. If you never get free from your child by transferring responsibility to him, then he remains hopelessly bound to you, too! You have knotted each other in a paralysing interdependence which stifles growth & development.
I recently counselled a mother whose husband had died when their only son, Davie, was a baby. She had been left with the terrifying task of raising this lad by herself, & Davie was the only person left in the World whom she really loved. Her reaction was to smother him totally. The boy was seven years of age when she came to me. He was afraid to sleep in a room by himself. He refused to stay with a babysitter, & he even resisted going to school. He did not dress himself & his behaviour was infantile in every regard. In fact, instead of waiting in the reception room while I talked to his mother, he found my office & stood with his hand on the doorknob for an hour, whimpering & begging to be admitted. His mother interpreted all of this as evidence of his fear that she would die, as his father had done. In response, she bound him even more tightly to her, sacrificing all her own needs & desires: She could neither go on dates nor bring any men into their home; she could not get involved in any activities of her own or have any adult experiences without her cling-along son. You see, she had never gained her freedom from Davie, & in turn, Davie had not gained his freedom from his lovin' mama.
Have you allowed your child to enjoy the freedom & responsibility that are appropriate for his age? Does your fear of emotional & physical hardships keep him locked in your arms? Are you afraid to make him work because he protests so loudly?
WHEN TO SPANK?
Question: Can you help me better understand the difference between irresponsible versus defiant behaviour in my children? Why is the distinction important to me as a parent?
Answer: The distinction deals with your child's intention, which is all-important in deciding how to respond as a parent. Suppose little Johnny is acting silly at the table & spills his milk. He did not intend to knock over the glass, but it happened. Or perhaps he leaves his bicycle out in the rain, or loses his schoolbooks. These behaviours result from his childish irresponsibility, & should be handled accordingly. It would be wrong to spank a child for being a child, in my view. Rather, these occurrences should offer opportunities to teach him to be more responsible. You may make him work to repair the damage, or temporarily deprive him of the item he has abused. However, I feel that a child should not be spanked for mistakes or behaviour that he didn't know were wrong, unless it involves a matter of extreme danger (running in the street, invading a medicine cabinet, etc.)
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Communication is so important! At times of misbehaviour, it's even better if you don't just spank, but especially talk about things & give the child a chance to explain himself & talk it out! Try to find out why he's misbehaving. Children should only be given punishment along with understanding.
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By contrast, defiant behaviour is very different from childish irresponsibility. It is headstrong & wilful. It is premeditated & calculating. In short, it is intentional, & deserves immediate disciplinary action.
Perhaps an illustration will help at this point. When my daughter was five years old, she was given a baby hamster for Christmas. Being an incurable animal lover, she became extremely fond of the furry little creature. I noticed at once, however, that she lacked the responsibility to take care of the pet properly. Repeatedly I warned her to keep the door closed on its cage & provide enough food & water for its survival. Despite my intervention, I returned home one day to find my daughter exhausted & red-eyed from crying. Sure enough, she had left the cage door open & our World-famous dachshund, Siggie (Sigmund Freud) had sent the hamster on to an untimely reward. When my daughter found its stiff, bloody little body near its cage, she was brokenhearted.
What, then, was to be my response? I had told her repeatedly how to care for the hamster, but she had failed to do so. Nevertheless, it would have been wrong for me to lash her for this mistake. Instead, I took her in my arms & held her until she stopped crying. Then I talked softly to her in these terms: "Danae, you know that I told you what would happen if you didn't take care of your hamster. But you were thinking about something else & now he's dead. You have just behaved like a child, & I can't blame you for that because you are a child. However, I want you to understand something, I warned you about taking care of your hamster because I didn't want to see you get hurt. It was to keep you from feeling like you do today that made me urge you to do your job properly. Now there will be many other times when I will warn you & teach you & urge you to do something, & I'll also be doing that to keep you from being hurt by life. It is very important for you to see me as your friend, & when I tell you to do something, it is because I love you & can see dangers that you don't see. If you'll learn to listen to what I say, you'll have fewer times like today when you are so sad."
ADOLESCENT CONFORMITY!
Peer Pressure. The pressure to follow the whims of the group (called the herd instinct) is never so great as it is during the adolescent years. This drive may be all-consuming to a teenager when any deviation from the "in" behaviour is a serious breach of etiquette. And there is tyranny in this pressure. If the group says flared pants are out, woe be to the boy who doesn't get the message soon enough. If a girl talks or walks funny, she may be the object of scorn throughout her day. Therefore, each teenager knows that safety from ridicule can only be found by remaining precisely on the chalk line of prevailing opinion. The youngster whose emotional needs & self-doubt are the greatest dare not run the risk of defying the will of the majority on even the most trivial matter.
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Absorbed in his own minor tribulations of coin & conquest, the adult too often forgets that youth is a jarring time, full of excruciating first experiences & full-blown tragedies. It is a pimple on the cheek which everyone will see with distaste; it is the ultimate disappointment, a broken promise by a parent. It is a training ground for adulthood, a place & time to try for independence, a place & time to try & fail & succeed.
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The influence of peer pressure is best illustrated by a study of teenagers conducted by Ruth W. Berenda. She & her associates brought 10 adolescents into a room & told them that they were going to study their perception (how well they could see). To test this ability, they planned to hold up cards on which three lines were drawn. The lines were marked A, B, & C, & were of three different lengths. Line A was the longest on some cards, while lines B or C were longer on others. As the cards were held before the class, the researcher would point to A,B, & C consecutively, asking the students to raise their hands when the pointer was directed at the longest line.
The instructions were simple & were repeated. "Raise your hand when we point to the longest line." What one student didn't know, however, is that the other nine had been brought in early & told to vote for the second longest line. The purpose was to test the effect of group pressure on that lonely individual.
The experiment began with nine teenagers voting for the wrong line. The uninformed student would typically glance around, frown in confusion, & slip his hand up with the group. The instructions were repeated & the next card was raised. Time after time, this self-conscious student would sit there saying a short line is longer than a long line, simply because he lacked the courage to challenge the group! This remarkable conformity occurred in about 75% of the cases, & was true of small children & high school students as well. Berenda concluded that, "Some people would rather be president than right." which is certainly an accurate assessment.
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True courage is like a kite: A contrary wind raises it higher.
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Parents Suddenly Become Embarrassing. Before I leave the subject, I should mention the fact that adolescent peer-group pressure accounts for some of the strain between generations & a lessening of parental influence during this time. I have seen parents get "hurt" because their developing teenager suddenly seemed embarrassed to be with them.
My own mother understood this process well, & she made use of it for her own purposes. When I was in the ninth grade, I suddenly discovered that it was much more fun to fool around in school than to work & cooperate. So for that one year, I played & laughed & irritated my teachers. But I didn't fool my mother. I don't know how she got her information, but she knew that I had gone giddy. One day she sat me down & said, "I know what you're doing in school. I know you're playing & causing trouble. However, I have decided not to do anything about it. I'm not going to punish you or threaten you or even call the principal. But if the school ever calls me, I am going to go with you the very next day. I'll follow you to all your classes & sit in the seat beside you. I will hold your hand & tag around after you throughout the day. Just remember my promise."
Believe me, friends & neighbours, that straightened me out quick! It would have been social suicide for my big momma to follow me down the halls of Adolescent High School! Beat me, but don't come to school with me! I'm sure my teachers wondered why there was such a remarkable improvement in my behaviour during the last half of my 14th year!
In summary, it is important for your preteen to know about group pressure before it reaches its peak. Someday he may be sitting in a car with four friends who decide to shoot some heroin. Your preparation is no guarantee that he will have the courage to stand alone in that crucial moment, but his knowledge of peer influence could provide the independence to do what is right.
A MESSAGE FOR DISCOURAGED ADULTS!
I have repeatedly observed that a person's own needs & problems seem less threatening when he is busy helping someone else handle theirs! It is difficult to wallow in your own troubles when you are actively shouldering another person's load & seeking solutions to his problems. For each discouraged reader who feels unloved & shortchanged by life, I would recommend that you consciously make a practice of giving to others. Visit the sick. Do something for your neighbours. Use your car for those without transportation. And perhaps most importantly, learn to be a good listener. The World is filled with lonely, disheartened people like yourself, & you are in an excellent position to empathise with them. And while you're doing it, I guarantee that your own sense of uselessness will begin to fade.
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Get your mind off yourself! Forget yourself! Get your mind on others! Get your mind on Jesus! The best cure in the World for that kind of problem is good old-fashioned work therapy, love for others & love for the Lord!
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If I were to draw a caricature that would symbolise the millions of adults with low self-esteem, I would depict a bowed, weary traveller. Over his shoulder I would place the end of a mile-long chain to which is attached tons of scrap iron, old tires, & garbage of all types. Each piece of junk is inscribed with the details of some humiliation--a failure--an embarrassment--a rejection from the past. He could let go of the chain & free himself from that heavy load which immobilises & exhausts him, but he is somehow convinced that it must be dragged throughout life.
You can free yourself from the weight of the chain if you will but turn it loose. Your inferiority is based on a distortion of reality seen through childish eyes. The standards by which you have assessed yourself are themselves changing & fickle. Dr. Maxwell Maltz, the plastic surgeon who authored "Psycho-Cybernetics", said women came to him in the 1920s requesting that their breasts be reduced in size. Today they are asking that he pump them up with silicone. False values! In King Solomon's Biblical love song, he asked his bride to overlook his dark skin that had occurred from exposure to the sun. In his day, right meant white. But now brown brother Solomon would be the pride of the beach! False values! Modern women are ashamed to admit that they carry an extra ten pounds of weight, yet Rembrandt would have loved to paint their plump, rotund bodies. False values! Don't you see that your personal worth is not really dependent on the opinions of others & the temporal, fluctuating values they represent? The sooner you can accept your worth, the sooner you can come to terms with yourself. I must agree with the writer who said: "While in the race to save our face, why not conquer the inner space?" It's not a bad idea.
I'LL CONFORM!
One of the great American myths is that we are a nation of rugged individuals. We really have ourselves fooled at this point. We like to think of ourselves as Abraham Lincolns, Patrick Henrys & cowboys, standing tall & courageous in the face of social rejection. But that image is very uncharacteristic of most of us. In truth, we are a nation of social cowards. It seems to me that a major proportion of our energy is expended in trying to be like everyone else, cringing in fear of true individuality.
Conformity, then, presents itself as a personality pattern in response to inferiority. Those who adopt it may be social doormats, afraid to express their own opinions. They seek to be liked by everyone, regardless of the expense to their own convictions & beliefs. For adolescents, whom I've already described, the urge to conform dictates most of their activity for a period of ten or more years. Accordingly, adolescent behaviour is the most contagious phenomenon shared from one human being to another.
Last year, for example, a teenage choir was singing the "Battle Hymn of Republic" in a live performance. During a high point in the emotional presentation, one youngster near the front row fainted & crumpled to the floor. The director went on with his performance, but the suggestion of fainting had been planted in 52 impressionable heads. Boom! The second singer went down. Boom! Boom! Two more hit the deck. The mania spread like wildfire. Five more vocalists blanched, buckled, & disappeared from the back row. When the director reached the last "Glory, Glory Hallelujah!", 20 members of his choir were out cold on the floor. That, folks, is conformity at its best!
I'LL COMPENSATE!
Someone has said, "We are not what we think we are...We are not even what others think we are...We are what we think others think we are." There is great truth in this statement. Each of us evaluates what we believe other people are thinking about us, & then we often play that prescribed role. This explains why we wear a very different "face" with different groups. A doctor may be an unsmiling professional with his patients, being reserved & wise in their presence. They "see" him that way & he complies. That evening, however, he is reunited with his former college friends who remember him as a post-adolescent screwball. His personality may oscillate 180 degrees between afternoon & night, being totally unrecognisable if seen by an amazed patient. Similarly, most of us are what we think others think we are.
There have been thousands, perhaps millions, of inadequate persons who used compensation to achieve esteem & confidence. Perhaps the most classic illustration is seen in the life of Eleanor Roosevelt, the former First Lady. Being orphaned at ten, she underwent a childhood of utter anguish. She was very homely & never felt she really belonged to anybody. According to Victor Wilson, Newhouse News Service, "She was a rather humourless introvert, a young woman unbelievably shy, unable to overcome her personal insecurity, with a conviction of her own inadequacy. The World knows however, that Mrs. Roosevelt did rise above her emotional shackles. As Wilson said, "From some inner wellspring, Mrs. Roosevelt summoned a tough, unyielding courage, tempered by remarkable self-control & self-discipline." That "inner wellspring" has another appropriate name: Compensation!
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A young English boy was called "Carrot Top" by other students and given "little chance of success" by some teachers. He ranked third lowest in class: Grade averages for English was 95%, history 85%, mathematics 50%, Latin 30%.
His teacher's report reads: "The boy is certainly no scholar and has repeated his grade twice. He has also a stubborn streak and is sometimes rebellious in nature. He seems to have little or no understanding of his school work, except in a most mechanical way. At times, he seems almost perverse in his ability to learn. He has not made the most of his opportunities."
Later, the lad settled down to serious study and soon the World began to hear about Winston Churchill.
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Obviously, one's attitude towards a handicap determines its impact on his life. It has become popular to blame adverse circumstances for irresponsible behaviour: To say that poverty causes crime, broken homes produce juvenile delinquents, & a sick society imposes drug addiction on its youth. This fallacious reasoning removes all responsibility from the shoulders of the individual. The excuse is hollow. We must each decide what we will do with inner inferiority or outer hardship.
Admittedly, it requires courage to triumph despite unfavourable odds. Compensation takes guts, for some much more than others. The easier path is to wallow in self-pity--to freak out on drugs--to hate the World--to run--to withdraw--to compromise. Regardless of the ultimate course of action, however, the choice is ours alone & no one can remove it from us. Hardship does not determine our behaviour, but it clearly influences it.
TEACHING CHILDREN TO BE KIND!
Can boys & girls be taught to respect their peers? They certainly can! Young people are naturally more sensitive & empathetic than adults. Children are destructive to the weak & lowly because we adults haven't bothered to teach them to "feel" for one another.
Perhaps an example will help explain my concern. A woman told me recently about her experience as a room mother for her daughter's fourth grade class. She visited the classroom on Valentine's Day to assist the teacher with a traditional party on that holiday. (Valentine's Day can be the most painful day of the year for an unpopular child. Every student counts the number of valentines he is given as a direct measure of his social worth.) This mother said the teacher announced that the class was going to play a game which required the formation of boy-girl teams. That was her first mistake, since fourth graders have not yet experienced the happy hormones which draw the sexes together. The moment the teacher instructed the students to select a partner, all the boys immediately laughed & pointed at the homeliest & least-respected girl in the room. She was overweight, had protruding teeth, & was too withdrawn even to look anyone in the eye.
"Don't put us with Hazel," they all said in mock terror. "Anybody but Hazel! She'll give us a disease! Ugh! Spare us from Horrible Hazel!" The mother waited for the teacher (a strong disciplinarian), to rush to the aid of the beleaguered little girl. But to her disappointment, nothing was said to the insulting boys. Instead, the teacher left Hazel to cope with that painful situation in solitude.
Ridicule by one's own sex is distressing, but rejection by the opposite sex is like taking a hatchet to the self-concept. What could this devastated child say in reply? How does an overweight fourth grade girl defend herself against nine aggressive boys? What response could she make but to blush in mortification & slide foolishly into her chair? This child, whom God loves more than the possessions of the entire World, will never forget that moment, (or the teacher who abandoned her in this time of need).
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Children are so much more vulnerable than adults in a lot of ways, because they don't understand things, mostly because they don't have the experience to understand them! So you have to treat them even more carefully, tenderly and with more consideration than adults.
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If I had been the teacher of Hazel's class on that fateful Valentine's Day, those mocking, joking boys would have had a fight on their hands. Of course, it would have been better if the embarrassment could have been prevented by discussing the feelings of others from the first day of school. But if the conflict occurred as described, with Hazel's ego suddenly shredded for everyone to see, I would have thrown the full weight of my authority & respect on her side of the battle.
My spontaneous response would have carried this general theme: "Wait a minute! By what right do any of you boys say such mean, unkind things to Hazel? I want to know which of you is so perfect that the rest of us couldn't make fun of you in some way? I know you all very well. I know about your homes & your school records & some of your personal secrets. Would you like me to share them with the class, so we can all laugh at you the way you just did at Hazel? I could do it! I could make you want to crawl in a hole & disappear. But listen to me! You need not fear. I will never embarrass you in that way. Why not? Because it hurts to be laughed at by your friends. It hurts even more than a stubbed toe or a cut finger or a bee sting.
"I want to ask those of you who were having such a good time a few minutes ago: Have you ever had a group of children make fun of you in the same way? If you haven't, then brace yourself. Some day it will happen to you, too. Eventually you will say something foolish...& they'll point at you & laugh in your face. And when it happens, I want you to remember what happened today."
(Then addressing the entire class:) "Let's make sure that we learn something important from what took place here this afternoon. First, we will not be mean to each other in this class. We will laugh together when things are funny, but we will not do it by making one person feel badly. Second, I will never intentionally embarrass anyone in this class. You can count on that. Each of you is a child of God. He molded you with His loving hands, & He has said that we all have equal worth as human beings. This means that Suzie is neither better nor worse than Charles or Mary or Brent. Sometimes I think maybe you believe a few of you are more important than others. It isn't true. Every one of you is priceless to God. That's how valuable you are! God loves every boy & girl in this room, & because of that, I love every one of you. He wants us to be kind to other people, & we're going to be practising that kindness through the rest of this year."
When a strong, loving teacher comes to the aid of the least respected child in his class, as I've described, something dramatic occurs in the emotional climate of the room. Every child seems to utter an audible sigh of relief. The same thought is bouncing around in many little heads. "If Hazel is safe from ridicule--even overweight Hazel--then I must be safe, too." You see, by defending the least popular child in the room, the teacher is demonstrating
1) That he has no "pets";
2) That he respects everyone;
3) That he will fight for anyone who is being treated unjustly.
Those are three virtues which children value highly, & which contribute to mental health & peace of mind!
THE ONLY TRUE VALUES!
Having rejected physical attractiveness, intelligence, & materialism as determiners of human worth, we must now decide what will take their place.
I believe the most valuable contribution a parent can make to his child is to instil in him a genuine faith in God. What greater satisfaction could there be than knowing that the Creator of the Universe is acquainted with me, personally?--That He values me more than the possessions of the entire World; that He understands my fears & my anxieties; that He reaches out to me in immeasurable love when no one else cares; that His only Son actually gave His life for me; that He can turn my liabilities into assets & my emptiness into fullness; that a better life follows this one, where the present handicaps & inadequacies will all be eliminated--where earthly pain & suffering will be no more than a dim memory! Try it, you'll like it!