LET'S SUCCEED WITH OUR TEENAGERS--An Encouraging Look at Parent-Teen Relationships--By Jay Kesler
This book is about parents, teens & optimism. It's committed to the belief that it is not out-of-date for teenagers to love, respect & obey their parents. Many teens believe this too.
This was dramatically brought home to me one afternoon at a Christian camp where I was working with kids. I decided to sneak away to my car & listen to the ball game. While listening to the Chicago Cubs, a group of teen guys gathered behind the car. They were just standing, talking amongst themselves, when the father of one of the young fellows walked up. He was a typical father, nothing like the TV image of the perfect American father. He was 40ish, slightly dumpy looking, a little overweight, slightly balding, & had a worried look on his face. He may not have known it, but he was creating one of the toughest situations a teen boy can face--when a teenager is with his friends & one of his parents walks up. This is really tough. The boy silently whispers: "I hope he doesn't make a fool of me," or "Boy, Dad, try not to embarrass yourself," or "Gee, our whole family's reputation is at stake here." So I switched my attention from the game to the situation.
As this dad walked up, & I thought sort of broke the rules, he ignored the other boys & right away started talking to his son about money. He asked him if he'd spent all the money he had given him, & so on. This is a pretty sensitive issue with a young son when his dad does not seemingly trust him with small things. So after the dad had given his advice to his 17-year-old son in front of all the other boys, I slumped down in my car seat & thought, "Boy, this dad's blown it. What an ignoramus!"
The father walked away. When he was out of earshot, one of the other boys said to the son, "So that's your old man." The fellow straightened right up & looked at his friend & said, "That's not my old man. That's my father!" And I straightened up in my seat & thought, "Whatever it is that father has done, & whatever it is that father stands for, those are the things I'd like to stand for. If there's any goal in the World I think is worthwhile, it would be to have my son stand up before his friends when it would be much more convenient not to claim me, & even when I've made a bit of a donkey of myself, & say to his friends, `That's my father.' That would be the best gift a parent could have."
WHEN TWO WORLDS COLLIDE
Margaret Mead has referred to anybody born before World War II as aliens on this planet & any people born since that war as true natives. So much has happened, so much change has taken place in our World since World War II, that to feel really at home one has to have been born & grown up in it.
I remember a 73-year-old lady I sat next to on a plane to California one day. As we flew she began to tell me about young people. At first I listened to be accommodating, as people often do with an older person. But suddenly I was enthralled.
"Well, I'll tell you what the difference between young people & old people is. It's a matter of perspective, how they perceive the World."
"What do you mean?" I said, admittedly intrigued. She took out the little air-sickness bag & on it drew a square. "Let's say this square represents 73 years of life."
Then she drew a little circle that took up 1/5 of the square on the bag. "Let's let that represent the last 15 years. Now here the square is 73 years. This little circle is the last 15 years. Look how much is left over, there.
"That's what I have. When I put the events of the last 15 years against my life of 73 years, I have all that left over. It's full of happiness, experience & optimism, & I & the World have survived two World wars & all sorts of skirmishes.
"That is called hope, what's left over. Take a kid whose square is only 17 years big. He's only 17 years. You put the last 15 years on top of that, all of which have been pretty bad. There's not much left over. Fifteen years pretty well covers up 17 years & there is less hope left over because he does not know that the World is able to survive all these things. He lacks a sense of history, if you please. He lacks that optimism. But we have it."
That's the kind of faith we should have when we face the opportunity of rearing our kids. If we can have the same optimistic hope of that 73-year-old, we are on our way to success with our children. It will help us survive the collision of the two worlds.
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL--BUT DO I?
We're prone to say to someone, "I know just how you feel," or "I know just what's going in his mind."
The truth of the matter is, none of us actually knows what's going on in the mind of anyone else. None of us can generalise from a particular experience we've had & read it into a young person's life. So rule one in understanding your teen: Always ask a young person what he is thinking.
How a parent would react to another's situation is really irrelevant. How the young person is acting & reacting & how he feels is what is important. And a parent must try to understand how he feels, not how the parent would feel in his circumstances. The two are totally different.
Our children are not an extension of us. They are complete individuals. And although we have given them life, & although they have been reared in our home, they are separate people, not mere extensions of our personalities.
I had a teen ask me one time. "Jay, isn't there something more important than bouncing a ball?"
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, I do a lot of things quite well, but one of the things I don't do well is bounce a ball. It seems as though my dad thinks that the only important thing a person could do is bounce a ball, because my dad used to be a basketball player. He keeps pushing me to be a basketball player."
There are more important things than bouncing a ball, or making the honour roll, or what have you. And if we push our kids toward some singular, selfish goal, we're going to overlook the very qualities that need to be developed--qualities like sensitivity, love for his parents, concern for others, desire to know & learn, desire to be a responsible adult. These are much more valuable than having a tattered sweater from high school with an athletic letter when he gets to be 40. Let's accept him as he is.
As Christians we're obligated to understand that each person is created by God with personal responsibility. Even though we understand this very well in dealing with friends & strangers, we often find it hard to accept in our own children.
Ultimately our children have the same rights as any other individuals: The right to choose, the right to please God, the right to disobey God, the right to choose Heaven, the right to choose Hell. The right to do bad is an inherent right of every individual on Earth, even if that individual happens to be our child. This is hard to accept. We would like to influence him to choose only right & good. If we do this, however, we find ourselves doing the very thing that God Himself refuses to do.
God has given Man this terrible responsibility of being an individual. This responsibility & freedom was also given to our children, & no matter how much a parent in his legitimate desire to protect his children may wish this were not so, it simply is.
The most frequent comment young people make about their parents is, "My parents don't trust me." This feeling creates great tension between parents & young people in the counselling room. Young people say that unless their parents allow them the chance to be trusted, there is no way that they can prove that they're learning the lessons that they've been taught all these years. It's all like a dry run. There's no real ball game. It's all practice.
Wise parents set up decision-making situations in an ever-increasing way so that their young person can learn to make larger & larger decisions as he or she grows older. To be trusted to get home on time, to handle money, to tell the truth--these are very important practice items before a young person gets out in to the bigger game of life.
Generally speaking, young people will try to live up to our expectations. If our expectations are that they are not trustworthy, if we act as if they're always on trial & under suspicion, they'll often act that way. "Well, if that's the kind of person they think I am, then that's the kind of person I'm going to be." I've heard this often from young people.
One time at a camp, a boy came up to me. I've never met his father, but his father surely deserves credit.
"A funny thing happened to me," he told me. "I borrowed the car from my dad, & I took it out & did something really dumb. I was driving down the road, not really paying attention. All at once I came to this railroad crossing & there was a train coming & I barely made it across. I just don't know how I escaped with my life.
"The train nearly hit me. I was so scared I pulled off to the side of the road & just sat there & prayed. I was scared to death.
"So I turned around & went home & gave the keys to my dad.
"`Dad, you'd better not give me the car any more. I just am not responsible enough for it.' Do you know what my dad did? I can't figure him out. He turned around & gave me the keys back.
"`Well, now you've learned a very important lesson,' he said. `I feel more confident to let you have the car.' Why would my dad do that?"
I was really impressed & replied, "Well, your dad is admitting that he's a human being. Every dad, every driver, has done something like this. It's the wise dad who rewards the son for being honest & for having learned a lesson that we all should learn."
I have a friend who told each of his children as they learned to drive, "The first fine you get for a traffic violation, I pay. After that, you pay your own." It's the same idea.
MY SON WENT TO COLLEGE & THEY RUINED HIM
If there is one over-riding problem that seems to be evident to all people who work with teenagers today, it's not the neglect of parents for their young people, it's the tendency of parents to be over-protective & to keep young people from growing into independence. One of the most typical situations is the parent who says, "My son went away to college (or the army) & they ruined him."
The truth is, the young person goes away from home & becomes exactly what he really is when the props are removed. Young people have a perfect right to make choices & we cannot protect them from it. One of the most basic aspects of the parent relationship is understanding that the task of parenthood is to develop independence, not dependence, in our children.
Much like a mother robin takes her brood on ever-enlarging circles away from the nest, we must provide opportunities for our young people to take ever-enlarging trips away from the home nest.
A young person is indeed in a difficult situation if his first experience of leaving home is college or some other major separation. This would be much like the mother robin deciding that the first experience her little robins should have is facing the neighbourhood cat. She doesn't do that. Instead she takes them in little safe trips underneath the bushes. The same thing can be true of little safe trips overnight away from home during the teen years.
One of our children is not really able to handle money very well. Our tendency is to send him to school with just the amount of money he needs for a particular item. We might say to our other children, "Bring home the change," & give them a five-dollar bill, but not this boy. Sooner or later I'm going to have to risk a five-dollar bill on him. His lunches come to $2.40 & I'm going to have to risk losing $2.60 by sending the whole five dollars with him.
That will be an opportunity, really a rather inexpensive one, to give him responsibility & a chance to act responsibly as an adult. If I continue to send him with just the $2.40 I will take away his opportunity to grow.
PIMPLES & PROBLEMS
A wise parent must be aware of the physiological problems kids face during high school. Girls face at least as large a problem in this area as boys face. Madison Avenue (Advertising) has created a stereotype of what a beautiful girl is really like. She has a figure of 36-22-35. She's about five-feet-five. Her teeth have sex appeal. She wears certain kinds of clothing & is in-the-know in certain ways. If you happen to have a daughter who has a figure of 23-22-23, is five-feet-eight tall, & feels like she's a broomstick, you'll discover that she'll begin to develop some other problems. She'll start spending a lot of time alone in her room. You'll find yourself asking the questions, "Why are you so unhappy? Why don't you have more friends over to our house?"
The typical high school is a very cruel place for people who don't meet the common stereotypes, & the wise parent has to make an effort to make up the difference.
Consider some other physiological factors. During the teen years, the younger person is beginning to become aware sexually. Add to this oily skin, glandular imbalances, acne & overweight. All of these affect people during the teenage years.
True, they'll outgrow most of these problems. However, it is an ominous threat to the kids.
The mother who notices that her daughter does not have the physical characteristics to compete as one of the royalty in the homecoming court, may be wise to begin teaching her to sew, cook, how to behave with decorum in public, compliment her on her developing social graces, this sort of thing.--To show her that she does not have to be beautiful to excel.
Many of the tensions kids have relate to their feelings that they are not living up to their parents' preconceived image. Our ability to accept what they are, to help them in a patient manner, change in areas where they can & to know the difference between the two is a very major challenge.
We don't always change things that can be changed in people by confronting them. Most positive change comes as a result of example & reinforcement of positive behaviour. Statements like, "What you do speaks so loudly I can't hear what you say" or "More is caught than taught" are clichs, but they are true. Teaching lasting values to our children is very subtle business.
Your daughter will understand a good deal more about what it means to be a woman if she senses that her mother is a happy & fulfilled woman. A wife will be happy & fulfilled as her husband shows affection & respect, as he takes opportunity to affirm her & recognise her positive characteristics. The same thing is true about our boys. They will learn to do things with their hands & develop manly characteristics when they're allowed to do some of these things & see their fathers accepting these responsibilities.
How do we change our children's behaviour? If we feel that a boy does not have good table manners, for instance, we can tell him a lot of things. We tell him to chew his food before speaking, close his mouth while he's chewing, hold his fork like a fork rather than like a hammer, not to spill the water--all the things that happen at every dinner table.
However, all of us have been embarrassed to discover that our kids pretty much mimic our own table manners. This is true of most of their behaviour. They will pick up their ways of relating to the opposite sex by how we relate to the opposite sex. They will copy how we treat other races. They will learn what is humourous by what we think is humourous. What kind of sample are you?
AFFECTION
It's especially important for fathers to show physical affection for daughters. Junior high-school girls especially seem to develop a kittenish quality. We've all experienced having a kitten walk in & out of our legs rubbing alternately back & forth from one ankle to another. Junior high school girls are often the same way. If they are not receiving expressions of holding, hugging, touching & kissing from their fathers, they will often go out & experience it in less positive ways.
Sons, as well, need to experience their mother's love. Mothers must be careful not to do this in front of other boys or to insist on "giving mama a kiss before you go out the door." But in the right situations when the boy is alone, he will appreciate a touch & hug from mother.
TRY GIVING HIM A DAY!
Recently, I was in Detroit to speak at a breakfast & one of the leaders didn't show up. I had expected to see him, but didn't. He wrote a letter to me the following week saying, "Sorry, but I'm being consistent with something you preach, I guess. I was giving time to my son."
Then this man, who probably makes $50,000 a year, went on to explain that his son wanted to go into the chicken business. They needed to get 25 little chicks delivered that day. The little boy probably had visions of developing a huge chicken business. Giving precious time is one way to communicate a boy's importance to him--even if his dad is required by his job to be away a great deal.
A Chicago radio station had an interesting commercial awhile back. It said, "Trying to think of something to give your son for Christmas? Try giving him a day." It was almost the same advice I had gotten once from my kids. I was going to give a talk to parents & I asked my children what I should tell this group of parents about what would make a good daddy.
They started telling me things, none of which cost money.--Tell fathers to spend more time at home. Tell them to play ball. Tell them to play Monopoly for an evening--not a thing had to do with buying. Everything had to do with the availability of time.
PRIVACY
Beginning somewhere around 13 or 14, many young people will find a place in the home that can be exclusively theirs, a little cubbyhole in the attic where they can make a den or a study or a clubhouse, or a place under the stairs where they can work with their model airplanes or chemistry set or ham radio or whatever. This just seems to be a natural need of young people of this age & wise parents respect this & protect it.
Then there's a further complication to this search for privacy. Very often a mother will come to me & say, "I just happened to run across some letters in my boy's room while I was cleaning," or "While going through my son's dresser drawer, I came across such & such."
Obviously it's impossible for a mother to keep a boy's clothing washed & folded without getting into his dresser drawers. However, I find that most of these situations are precipitated by some sort of suspicion or fear on the part of the parents, where they find their curiosity gets the best of them. Then they discover something in a letter or some magazine or something that just frightens them. Should she tell the boy she was snooping through his personal effects? What should she do?
Someone has said, "What we don't know won't hurt us," but this is surely not always true. It would seem that in most cases, it would be better when suspicion arises to sit down with the child & tell him why you are developing these suspicions, what signs you are seeing, & ask him if these are legitimate. I would personally prefer that a child have privacy & the value attached to it than the little bits of information I might gain by violating this.
TEEN WORK TIPS!
Two tips to getting teenagers to do work are: First, teach them the principle of getting the unpleasant things out of the way first so they can have fun afterward. You'll have a great deal more success saying, "John, I want you to clean the garage before you go to the park." It will be amazing how much quicker he can get the job done. Then indicate, "Call me when you're finished so I can take a look at it before you go & play." This hangs the fun of going & playing as a kind of carrot of incentive in front of him to help him do the work.
Second, put a time limit on work. Most young people will eventually have to learn how to work long periods of time without interruption. This is something that demands a great deal of maturity. However, time limits like, "I'd like for you to spend an hour doing such-&-such," can help in motivating them. One hour each morning on the lawn is easier to negotiate than one entire day.
Nagging is a major obstacle to communication & is not a successful motivational technique. If a young person doesn't study, he should be allowed to face the consequences rather than have a hassle over it every day at home.
TEEN TALK
Talk while doing something. Most dads will find that their sons are easier to talk to while they are doing something rather than looking each other right in the eye & saying, "Let's have a talk." That has almost become a classic joke & it just doesn't have to be done that way.
Whether it's fishing, fixing the car, mowing the lawn, or doing some job together, pick a time in which father & son can think & talk.
Don't talk down to the teenager. The art of communication begins with the realisation that when a kid reaches the teenage years he is entitled to enter into conversation under basically the same rules that apply to adults.
Talking is not always communication. People who know & love one another very often communicate without as many words. We must be sensitive to what the particular need of a young person is. Some communicate non-verbally & enjoy less talk. Others jabber & nearly talk one to death. Our communication with a particular child is based on his personality & the understanding we have with him. Don't feel that you are not communicating with your teenager just because you are not talking all the time.
I've found the word "uh huh," properly placed, to be the most powerful expression in counselling. There are times when an extra 30 seconds of silence will break a situation wide open. Sometimes, when there is nothing more to say--after a teen has poured out his frustrations--I'll just sit & wait, not look shocked or tired or bored. I'll just sit & more or less listen. I've had teens almost get desperate in that time of silence, then finally blurt out: "What I really wanted to say is..." Then, they get right to the issue.
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"You know what I am?" a teenager said to me one day.
"No, what?"
"I'm a comma," she said.
"What do you mean, you're a comma?"
"Well, let's say my dad is talking. Then, when I start to talk, he just makes a comma. He listens, all right. I mean he stops. But when he starts in again, he starts right where he left off before. My sentence doesn't have anything to do with what he said. He doesn't adjust his thinking one bit. He's making me into a comma."
Parents, watch out that your children aren't just becoming commas!
I've been very fascinated by the long chapters in the John Kennedy biographies about the conversations that Joseph Kennedy, Sr., had with his family. From the time his children were very young, apparently, around the dinner table, he asked questions quite different from those asked around the typical table. You might say, "Well, the Kennedy family was different from our family" or "These are famous people." True. Yet I don't think the children were self-conscious of that when they were in the home. The questions, however, were the kind that could produce some of the same results in your home.
For instance, "What do you think of such-&-such a thing?" Now anybody can answer what they think about something. "What do you think about the war? Why do you think this person did this certain thing? Do you think this? Do you think that?"
Joseph Kennedy, Sr., was constantly asking his children questions around the table that had to do with what they thought. Then he would share what he thought. There's a certain fairness about that & a certain growth involved in this type of question.
Parents, on the other hand, feel that they have to ask questions that have to do with checking up, suspicious kinds of questions. Kids rebel, clam up & just get quiet.
LOVE & DISCIPLINE
Discipline & love must be considered jointly because they always surface together in conversations with parents. "If I show too much love," they say, "I'm afraid that somehow my children will be indulged & the result of indulgence will be that they won't understand the importance of discipline & proper behaviour. On the other hand, if I am too strict on discipline, I'm afraid they won't know that I love them & will grow up without adequate love."
It's a very difficult balance to find for all parents. To begin understanding the balance, we need to realise that love & discipline are not mutually exclusive. Love is not weak & lacking in discipline. Neither is true discipline lacking in love.
But the two have to come together to be complete. True love must show the concern of discipline & true discipline must show the concerns of love.
Love without discipline is indulgence & discipline without love is tyranny. We need to have the proper viewpoint to get them together as partners.
There is a very interesting commercial on TV which shows a kitchen from a dog's perspective. Somehow a little dachshund is walking through the kitchen waiting for his master to bend over & fill his dish. All you see of the kitchen are the handles on the lower parts of the cabinets, the legs of the chairs, the shoes of the master & the heating radiators. As you view the commercial, you get the idea that this is the way the dog views the World & then from that viewpoint you are expected to understand that his preference for their particular dog food is well-founded.
We need to think a little bit about the World of love & discipline from both the parents' point of view & a teenager's point of view & get something of a better perspective.
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Most young people are searching for boundaries &, if the boundaries aren't laid out clearly for them, they will continue to run until someone tells them they are at the limit.
A young fellow came up to me once & said, "My parents don't love me." Of course, you hear this very often in a counselling situation & I don't immediately conclude, "Well now, this young man's parents don't love him."
"What makes you think your parents don't love you?" I responded.
"Our neighbours have a little dog," he explained, "a little spotted dog. If the dog isn't in at night, they'll kick the bushes & run up & down the street whistling & calling, `Here, Spotty, here, Spotty.' And they won't go to bed until the dog is in the house. Me, I come & go whenever I want to. My parents never ask where I've been. They never tell me what time to get in. They just let me run. The neighbours love their dog. My parents don't love me."
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In an attempt to build boundaries, some parents build a cage. I have never met a teenager in my life who wants to live in a cage. There can be so many rules, stipulations, & conditions that the kid feels as if he's completely surrounded, as if he's living in a stockade somewhere.
But young persons do want to live on a leash. They need freedom to move & decide & make discriminating choices. However, when they get to the end of the leash they need to feel the tug that says, "I love you." When a young person says, "I didn't know I wasn't supposed to do it, or, I didn't know what I was supposed to do," this indicates a breakdown in communication. It's important to sit down & lay out boundaries that are reasoned through. Keep in mind, with a teenager you cannot set boundaries arbitrarily. Take a reasoned approach. It may take some time sitting down & discussing things through, but don't be afraid as a parent to enter into it.
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"I'm so tired of the hassles, I guess I'll just shut up."
A great many kids today seem to choose withdrawal as a way of handling disagreements with their parents. And parents come to me & say, "I just can't get through to that boy," or "He won't talk to me. I can't make him respond. He just stares at me like I'm a blank wall. It's as if he lives under a bell jar."
This indifferent attitude usually results when a kid feels he isn't being listened to when he gives his side of the story. Better to withdraw like a turtle into a shell & refuse to make any responses at all. This, of course, further irritates the parents who may do more pestering & produce a terrible impasse.
My suggestion on this is that we try to show interest in things our teens are doing. Measure our own responses a little better. Try to reason things out calmly. Don't be so uptight. Let them get their heads out from under the shell. A group of children pestering a turtle will find they can't keep his legs & head out of the shell very long. All their shouting, jumping, pointing & laughing & poking will force him to put his head under the shell. As they get quiet & pay less attention to him & quit pestering him, they will notice he is walking across the lawn. The same thing is true of a teenager.
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Let me make the following suggestions in the area of discipline for teenagers. First of all, understand that discipline for a teenager is different than discipline for a small child. When a young person reaches the teenage years, example & reason, communication, & understanding are more effective than trying to tighten the screws. As you tighten the screws, you provoke them to wrath.
Consistency. Discipline in a dependable manner. Always try to make the same response to the same behaviour--not differently when you're feeling good than when you're not. Don't discipline according to feelings but according to the situation. Make your discipline commensurate with the wrong.
Don't threaten without follow-through. Keep your promises but make sure they are the kind you can keep. Don't find yourself grounding your daughter for six months when you know full well you can't keep a promise. Two days of grounding that can be kept are better than an impossible threat.
Think through the discipline before you do it. Even a judge sitting in court day-by-day takes a few moments after hearing the case to decide how he will handle it. Sometimes he needs to call a recess so he can get his mind together & go over the facts to be sure that he is giving a sentence that is going to accomplish some purpose. Keep this in mind in your own discipline.
Let them learn the consequences of natural law--that certain results come from behaviour. When a son won't do his homework night after night, the nagging of the mother probably won't make it happen. He may have to face the wrath of the teacher. He may have to face the wrath of the principal for failing marks. Having patience to let him learn the embarrassments of procrastination or laziness is better than upsetting the entire household.
Learn to apply the "why" answer to a particular question. I often hear parents say, "My children can't take `no' for an answer." It's not so much that they can't take "no" for an answer. The issue is that they are much more used to dealing with the "why" of a situation. They are much more willing to take "no" for an answer when they understand why we say no.
WHERE A FRIEND?
From an adult viewpoint, positive behaviour often means young people who are well-disciplined, well-groomed, know where they are going as far as the future is concerned, come from the right families, use the right language, & generally fit into the status quo.
We feel comfortable with those of our own kind. Young people feel comfortable with people with other viewpoints & don't necessarily feel that you have to accept one's views to be one's friend. You can be with him & not be influenced in a negative manner by him. We must learn to deal with this very important, perhaps the most important, difference between young society & adult society.
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One of young people's pet peeves is adults jumping to conclusions. Kids feel that many adults get all their exercise this way. Some adult will see a group of kids standing together talking & feel obligated to walk up & give them some advice about keeping the rules or asking them what they are doing or generally being suspicious about their behaviour.
It's interesting to be present in one of these groups after the adult authority figure has walked away. I've been in this situation many times & listened to what the kids say afterward. They say things like:
"We weren't doing anything wrong."
"How come they're so suspicious all the time?"
"Don't they know we were talking about (this very important thing)?"
And very often they were. Sometimes they were just standing & goofing off, but not hurting anybody. Very often suspicious adults alienate themselves from kids by moving with too little information & too quickly. I find it more productive to think the best of the kids & join in the group rather than feel I've got to offer some sort of moralistic counsel.
Often adult-teen confrontations which take place in schools, churches, camps, drugstores & wherever kids hang out, are over things that are rather trivial, such as a kid's putting his feet on the seat of a restaurant booth. Many kids don't have a high regard for physical property. The owner comes over & leers into the kid's face. "Would you take your foot off the booth? Don't you know that booths cost money? What kind of upbringing have you had? Don't you have any regard for other people? That's the trouble with you young people today." He embarrasses the kid. So the kid feels obligated to say something smart in return.
If the adult understood that he had to protect the kid's dignity as well as his furniture, he might have said, "How about taking your foot off the booth?" Or simply come up & tap his leg. He'll understand what you're talking about. He's just gone into some sort of lapse of behaviour because he hasn't ever bought a restaurant booth yet himself. This particular lesson will be well learned after he's paid 24 monthly payments on his first living room suite! Until then, this becomes a rather minor issue.
Upholding a teen's dignity is important--especially if he is to take a natural, relaxed approach. This is what the song meant when it said, "with a little help from my friends."
I KNOW YOU LOVE ME--BUT DO YOU LIKE ME?
A father told me a story with real concern about his daughter's saying to him, "Dad, I know you love me. But do you like me?"
"Whatever do you mean by that?"
"Well, if you like somebody, you like to be with him, you like to spend time with him, you try to find reasons to be where he is, you just hang around together if you like somebody."
"You seem to like other people more than you like us. You don't seem to really like to spend time at home. You have these other important things that you do."
This is a very important question: Do we like one another in our home? Because we are Christians & because we are parents, we're forced to both love one another & love our children. Whether or not we like one another is a very interesting question. Kids want us to learn to like one another as well as love one another.
By spending time, mutually sharing our interests, we learn to like one another. I would rather take a chance on the happiness of a family that liked one another than I would on a family that tells me they love one another. If you like people you'll grow to love them. If you say, out of some form of obligation, "I love you," it doesn't mean you're ever going to like one another. The ideal, of course, is to both like and love one another! May the Lord give you real love for & with your teens.