TEACHING YOUR CHILD TO SHARE--By Fredelle Maynard--From "Reader's Digest"

         My daughter Rona was eight when she found, under the Christmas tree, the doll of her dreams. It was a large doll, romantic in an old-fashioned way: Long blond curls, thick lashes, a gown of lavish pink taffeta & lace. Of course, when a friend appeared for the ritual, "Whadidya get?" the new doll was produced. From the kitchen where I was shelling chestnuts, I heard an ominous exchange.
         "Let's play house. I'll be the mother & Anna's my little girl." That was Kathy, a sturdy, determined eight-year-old.
         "No, no, don't take her clothes off. Please, Kathy--you can have the baby doll."
         "I want this one." Sounds of scuffle, shrieks. "You're supposed to share!"
         "Share" got to me. Christmas, heavenly peace, goodwill--& my child behaving like Scrooge. I stormed into the bedroom, where the girls stood glowering at each other, & pronounced judgment. "Rona, give Kathy a turn." Kathy snatched the doll, Rona howled, I retreated feeling I had done the right thing. Moments later, Kathy came pounding down the stairs & ran out the door. Rona followed, clutching Anna, one of whose arms now hung loose in the pink lace sleeve. "I told her not to undress Anna. Look--she's broken the arm--& the skirt's torn!"
         Remembering the little disaster, I'm struck by my own lack of wisdom--not only intervening in a childish quarrel, but insisting that Rona give up a new, precious possession. How many adults would share under similar circumstances? I know what I would have said had a friend asked to borrow the antique necklace I'd just received: "This necklace is special to me. I'd rather not lend it. But you're welcome to borrow my amethyst beads."
         Most parents want their children to be generous. There's one very good reason for this: Openhearted giving contributes to both social harmony & personal happiness. And there's one bad reason: Too often, parents see a child as their representative in the World. So a greedy, selfish child seems to reveal a dreadful truth about Mom & Dad. Either they're selfish themselves, or they're ineffective as guides. When pressure to share is inspired by the need to be seen as a good parent, a child doesn't discover the pleasure of giving. What she learns is: "My doll (or bike or train) isn't really mine. It belongs to Mommy & Daddy: I have to share whether I want to or not."
         Babies do not share. The nine-monther may, in a playful moment, offer his cookie with a cherubic smile--then wail when brother takes a bite. The two-year-old may relinquish his blue car--if he has his eye on a green one, if the mood strikes him, or if he didn't much care about that car to begin with. This is not sharing, this is just doing what comes naturally. I remember my two-year-old's outrage when a young visitor cranked out a few notes on her music box. "Patrick's just trying it out," I reassured her. "He'll give it back when he goes home." "Patrick," Joyce said, planting herself firmly in front of the intruder, "go home!"
         Before a child can freely lend a toy, she needs to be sure it's hers. So the wise course, with under-fours, is to confirm the child's property rights before asking her to relinquish them even briefly. In a squabble, try: "Sarah just wants to take your doll for a ride in the stroller. She'll be back in a few minutes. Right, Sarah?" This is not "giving in" to the doll's owner: It's laying the groundwork for the generosity that's born of satisfied needs.
         In the course of the fourth year, most children discover the joy of playmates &, inevitably, the need for give-&-take in play. Sliding is more fun if you've a friend to whoosh with. The three-year-old will share a lot of the time (not always) because there's something in it for him. That something may be a fair trade, companionship, or adult praise--or the "What a good boy am I!" feeling. By four, a child who has been well loved & guided can respond to how the other kid feels when he doesn't have a tricycle.
         If you want to raise a generous child, the don'ts are obvious:
--Don't force a child to share possessions about which he feels passionately: A well-seasoned baseball bat, Mom's old Raggedy Ann doll.
--Don't lecture excessively about the beauty of unselfishness & the hideousness of refusing to share.
--Don't punish a child severely for refusing to share. If a pre-schooler becomes involved in a tussle over property, it's appropriate to isolate him, send him to his room until he can behave more graciously. Spanking, or permanently confiscating the toy, is likely to provoke resentment & further reluctance to share.
         But what about the do's? A constructive approach calls for you to:
         1. Exemplify & teach negotiating skills. Let's say Nicole has gotten discouraged because Jason won't let her ride his bike.
         Adult: "Will Jason want to lend you his bike if you call him a dummy? Do you think he'll give you a turn if you hit him?"
         Nicole (reluctant, but seeing the light): "No-o."
         Adult: "Ask if you can have a turn when he's finished. And thank him nicely."
         This simple tactic works wonders. Even a young child recognizes that other kids are not likely to accommodate someone who hits or makes rude remarks. Both sides are reassured by the idea of a turn when the current user is ready. The child in possession of the object maintains a feeling of control: He'll decide when to hand it over. And the supplicant has the comfort of a promise. Her turn's coming.
         2. Help your child to understand how others feel. In a research project, kindergarten children watched a videotape that showed a child's reaction to the loss of his marble collection. The tape ended with a close-up of the child's woebegone face. After the screening, the little viewers were offered a choice: They could play with an Etch a Sketch toy, or they could turn the crank on a machine that issued marbles, all of which would go to the child who'd lost them. Children who had been visibly moved during the film became energetic crankers: Feeling for someone in pain had produced a desire to help rather than just have fun.
         Parents can encourage this empathy. Explain why Zara knocked down Philip's blocks: "She's sad because you don't let her play. When people are sad, they sometimes act mad. Ask if she'd like to help you build a bridge."
         3. Give your children practice in sharing. It can begin in babyhood, long before the dawn of generous impulse. Baby holds a mirror, you hold a set of spoons. Gently & gaily, you give her the spoons, take the mirror, make a face ("There's Mommy!") & hand it back. Through repeated exchanges, the child learns something about reciprocity and trust.
         With older children, sharing is best learned when there's more than enough--a huge watermelon, a big batch of popcorn--or when the fun really depends on cooperation. A teeter-totter, for instance, is by its very nature a shared piece of equipment--no teeter, no totter.
         With a little encouragement the child doesn't have to feel that sharing means a deprivation of possessions; it's a new and more grown-up way of enjoying them.
         4. Use "rehearsal behavior" to avert trouble. A two-year-old invited to a birthday party, unless she's coached beforehand, is likely to snatch the birthday boy's present ("How come he gets all the toys?") & indeed refuse to relinquish the gift that she has brought. She needs to be told--many times--that this is the friend's turn to have a party & to receive presents; her turn comes another day. Involving her in choosing a gift may ease the shock of giving it away, particularly if she's allowed to pick one small item for herself.
         5. Encourage experiences that allow children to help anyone in need. Generations of mothers have urged children to eat up with the reminder, "Children in India are starving." Whether this made turnips more attractive is arguable; it surely did nothing to expand the child's awareness of a hungry World. Now, television brings into homes the visions of human need that afflict the young no less than their elders. Parents can involve the whole family in an effort to help others in a sacrificial way.
         6. Demonstrate that attention as well as possessions must be shared. My grandchildren had always visited me separately, an arrangement that gave each child total attention--& almost total indulgence. Last year Audrey, seven, & Charles, three, came together. Day One was a nightmare. Audrey complained because we couldn't go to Water Country, her brother being too little for water slides, & Charlie fussed at the doll store. Harmony returned when I realised that Audrey could accept some limitation if she were given an active role. "What do you think Charlie would enjoy?", I asked. Audrey considered our usual fun things. "I don't think he could sew. But he might like to explore the attic with me--or play restaurant." As it turned out, restaurant was more fun with three than with two, & Audrey loved being the guide to attic adventures.--"Look, Charb, here's a box of beads. Want to string them? Here's pictures of Mom when she was little..." By visit's end, instead of demanding attention, Audrey was giving some to her brother, enjoying her role of teacher.
         7. Remember that models inspire. Until they learn cynicism from adults, children believe in goodness & are moved by true stories of heroism--the wealthy woman on the doomed Titanic refusing a place in the lifeboat because she preferred to die with her husband; explorer Lawrence E. G. Oates, on the second Scott expedition to the South Pole, quietly striking out into the fatal snow so as to leave scarce provisions for starving comrades.
         On a less lofty but equally powerful level, the example of parents lights the way for children. They notice when Mother bakes extra cookies to take to needy people down the street, or when Dad lends his power mower to an elderly neighbour or maybe cuts the grass for him.
         Psychologist Ervin Staub, who has studied the life histories of notably selfless individuals, says, "Parents who transmit altruism (regard for others as a principle of action) most effectively exert a firm control over their children, using a combination of firmness, warmth & reasoning. They actively guide the child to share, to be helpful."
         The ultimate source of generosity is self-esteem. For the individual who feels good about herself or himself, caring for others, sharing & kindness follow naturally. Educator John Holt tells a story about champion boxer John L. Sullivan. Shoved on a streetcar by a belligerent drunk, Sullivan quietly stepped aside. His companion protested, "Are you going to stand for that? You're the heavyweight champion of the World! You don't have to be so damn polite." And John L. said, "The heavyweight champion of the World can afford to be polite."
         Well, every child who feels loved & valuable & good is a heavyweight champion. "If children are allowed a growing up that enables them to become adults with a strong sense of their own dignity & competence & worth," Holt says, "they will extend these feelings to include other people."
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         He is just seven years old.
         He is made up of the following ingredients:
         Noise, energy, imagination, curiosity & hunger.
         He is "the cute little fellow down the street,"
         "That spoiled imp next door," or "My son,"
         Depending upon who you are.
         He is something to be kept, fed, clothed, happy, healthy & out of trouble.
         But...
         He is something else too.
         He is tomorrow.
         He is the future we are working for.
         He is part of the World's most important generation.
         Our generation must love them & win them.
         His generation will determine whether it was worth doing.
         He is one of the most important people in history
         So anyone who influences his life is also a mighty important person.
         --You!
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