ANNIE STORIES--A Special Kind of Storytelling--By Doris Brett


How the Stories Work

         Annie Stories were born about seven years ago. They arose, as have so many valuable things, from a time of crisis. In World terms, the crisis was not very significant but in our three-year-old daughter's eyes, it was earth-shattering--she was about to start nursery school.
         It was a normal Sunday afternoon & we had just finished not doing all the things we'd meant to do that weekend, when my daughter slid into the room.
         "Mommy...," she said, in a trembling voice. I looked up. Just a moment ago she had been laughing & giggling with Daddy.
         "There's a headache in my tummy," she went on. I looked at her. She really was upset. It didn't take much to figure out that the headache-in-tummy had arrived at precisely the same moment that Daddy had announced, in his best "isn't-this-exciting" voice, that nursery school started next week.
         Amantha at that time was a rather shy child (she's now a gregarious ten-year-old who would do anything for an audience & will shamelessly buttonhole strangers in coffee shops). At that time, however, group situations used to leave her hovering around my knees &, as with many shy children, starting nursery school seemed as enticing to her as a spell at the Gulag Archipelago.
         Martin, my husband, a computer analyst & ever the rational one in our household, had dealt patiently with her fears--sitting her down regularly & explaining simply that there was nothing to be frightened of at nursery school. He told her that the teachers would take care of her, the children would play with her, she would have a great time, & so on & so forth. Amantha humored him by listening quietly & not interrupting, but it was obvious from the look in her eye that there was a credibility gap the size of the Grand Canyon. Daddy might know about computers & fixing toys, but evidently he was terribly, sadly ignorant of the terrors & perils that lay waiting to pounce upon shy little girls in their first days at nursery school.
         It was then I told Amantha her first Annie Story.
         Annie was a little girl who lived in a brown brick house with a mommy & a daddy & a big black dog, just like Amantha's. And also, just like Amantha, Annie had a problem. She was worried about starting nursery school. The story followed Annie through her struggle with her fears & on to a successful conclusion.
         Amantha was riveted. She asked for the story time & time again, & when the first day of nursery school at last rolled around, she coped with it very well, much as Annie had in fact.
         This was not surprising because, while on the surface Amantha had simply been listening to an ordinary children's story, underneath that she had, in fact, been using it, & most effectively, as a way of working through & overcoming her fears.
         The way in which she had been able to do this was through identifying with the heroine, Annie.
         Put Yourself in Their Place: Children often find it very difficult to talk about their problems. Similarly, an adult might be so concerned, for instance, that her husband is on the point of leaving her, that she cannot bear to discuss the subject & instead makes frantic efforts to pretend that all is normal.
         Imagine then this woman, who is living with an unspoken terror, who is bursting with unasked questions. How will she cope? Imagine her one day picking up a magazine with a short story in it. This story is about a woman of her age in identical circumstances with identical fears & feelings. The story tells how this woman coped with her situation, what she felt & how she handled those feelings, &, most of all, how she was able to live through & resolve a difficult situation in a way that felt positive & strengthening.
         It's likely that the story would be read avidly. That the reader might experience it as having an almost magnetic pull for her & a powerful impact.
         While she cannot bear to think directly about herself in this painful situation, it is easier to think about someone else in the situation.
         This sense of safety--it is not happening to us, it is happening to someone else--enables us actually to think about the feared situation, to get close to it & understand it & the emotions arising from it in a way that has not been possible before, when we had barred ourselves from deliberating on it.
         This in itself can be a great release & relief. The feelings that have been building up like steam in a pressure cooker may now be able to come out through this safety vent.
         The experience of reading a story about someone just like us can also be a very comforting one. Someone out there really knows what it feels like to be us. We are not the only people feeling so frightened & inadequate. The awareness that other people too have felt like this can be tremendously helpful for those who feel themselves isolated with their problems & inferior to other "normal" people who, we imagine, cope with their problems far better than we ever could.
         Finally, reading a story which shows a woman dealing with a threat in her life positively & successfully may give us a very useful role model. We may be able to learn from her some ways in which we also might cope better & gain from the story some hope & the sense that we too may make it.
         Annie Stories work on the same principle but are geared for children. Whereas the adult in the example had to read about her counterpart in a magazine, the child is able to hear about her alter ego through the comforting means of a story told by Mommy or Daddy.
         This in itself is a very helpful experience. Quite apart from the content of the story, it means that the child is getting a comforting dose of quiet, loving intimacy with one or the other parent. Thus, at the same time that the story is helping the child deal with her various troubling situations, it is also strengthening the bond between parent & child, which is in itself a tremendous source of security & comfort. Not just for the child, I should add, but for the parent as well.
         We can't solve our children's problems for them. They must, in the end, learn to solve them for themselves. What we can do is help them in this process by giving them strength, a belief in themselves & the confidence & hope to seek a successful resolution of their own.
         We can do this through listening to them & trying to understand their fears & their worries. We can communicate our love for them so that they can learn to love themselves. We can let them know that we believe in them, so they can come to believe in themselves. We can also talk to them, through stories & other means, of the knowledge that there are times when even the strongest feel weak & times when even the weakest can learn to feel strong.
         Easier Than You Think: There is a wonderful surprise in store for you when you begin to use Annie Stories. In fact, there are several wonderful surprises in store.
         One is that they work. They really do help children deal with the situations or emotions that are worrying them.
         Second is the surprise that these stories are usually easier to tell & make up than you think they will be. This is because, as a beginning storyteller, you have the advantage of not starting with a blank page. In fact the plot is already made up for you. So are the characters. They are simply parallels of what is actually happening in your child's life. All you really need to make up is the ending & the means by which the ending is achieved. It is important that the ending of these stories be positive. You need to give your child hope that she will be able to find a way out of her distress.
         Another surprise will be to find out just how much your children love these stories. They will ask for them over & over again, correct you when you get the details wrong, & often prompt you when you are unsure of the subject matter. When my daughter asks me to tell her an Annie Story, I'll often ask, "What would you like the Annie Story to be about?"
         "Tell me about Annie going to the dentist," she may reply, & invariably whatever subject she has chosen will be the one she is currently concerned about.
         After a while, children get to realise consciously that the Annie Story parallels their real life. This doesn't seem to disturb or impair the effectiveness of the story for them. It still leaves them free to pretend it's just a story when they need to, or to relate it to their own situation when that is appropriate.
         Personalising the Stories: I picked the name Annie because my daughter's name is Amantha. "Annie" is similar in sound but not identical. Annie lives in a house like ours, has a dog like ours, but with a different name, & has a life style similar to ours. In fact, to borrow a popular phrase, only the names have been changed. As long as the names are changed, the other details can often remain identical.
         Choosing a Name: When you make up your own Annie Stories, change Annie's name to one similar to your child's & change Annie's background & lifestyle to one appropriate to yours. If your child is a boy, Annie could become Andrew.
         As you make up your story, your child will let you know how you're doing. If she's interested & responsive, it's hitting the spot. If she's bored, perhaps she no longer needs it. When children have worked through a problem, they will generally lose interest in that particular story. If you're unsure as to what you should be telling the story about, ask them. If you're uncertain as to what Annie was feeling at some point you can ask them, "And what do you think Annie felt like (or felt like doing) then?"
         Parents Are Helped, Too: As I told these stories, I began to realise that Annie's parents are ideal parents--they are warm & wise & strong & supportive. They are, in fact, our dream parents--the parents all of us wanted.
         I hope that in telling these stories, Annie's parents will nourish not just the child we read to, but the child in each of us.


Understanding Your Child

         Children look like little adults. They have all the requisite external equipment--arms, legs, noses, mouths. They speak the same languages we do. It's tempting then to suppose that they think as we do. They don't.
         Most of us as parents find this out the hard way as we try patiently to "reason things out" with a three- or four-year-old.
         We sit back & wonder why it is that our children can't grasp such seemingly self-evident facts. Perhaps the answer lies in a closer look at what the World seems like to a child.
         How Children Learn--Play & Imagination: Many of us have lost the memories of childhood fears & fantasies. It's been so long since we learned the laws of logic that we've forgotten what the World looked like without them. We stand puzzled before the two-year-old who has suddenly become terrified of bath time. What is she scared of, we wonder. Is it the fear of being scalded by the hot water tap? Of death by drowning? Of knocking her head on the hard enamel? All good adult fears. No, it turns out. What she's afraid of is slipping away down the drain with the emptying bath water. A two-year-old simply hasn't developed a solid sense of the relative size of things. That's why it's difficult to convince her that her little body simply won't fit down the drain. It will take the two-year-old many, many hours of playing with objects of various sizes before this piece of understanding clicks into place. You can explain all you like, but it is her own research which will finally convince her.
         Adults are accustomed to think of play & storytelling as purely recreational activities--things that serve no "serious" purpose. For children, however, play is a major means of learning about the World. Play for a child is serving just as serious a purpose as is a day in the library for a research student.
         Live & Learn: We have an immense variety of developmental tasks to learn before we can safely go out into the World. Just to mention a few--we have to learn to sit, stand, walk, talk, reason, communicate, cooperate & so on. These tasks are so numerous & so varied that it would be impossible to program them all instinctively for a faultless performance. They need to be learned & practiced. And that's where play comes in.
         Some theorists also see play as a chance to work off excess energy. Everyone who's been in contact with children recognises that they are possessed of a superior, seemingly endless, source of energy. Play can act in the same way as the vents in a pressure cooker, allowing excess energy to be siphoned off. If only we could arrange for its fair & equal distribution among the tired grownups of the World!
         You will find that when you tell your child Annie Stories which are relevant to her current problems, she will want to hear these stories time & time again. Don't get impatient with this repetition. Children need to absorb facts, come to terms with feelings & master their anxieties.
         The Magic of "Once Upon A Time...": What is the magic of stories & why are they comforting & compelling for children all over the World?
         We all as parents would like to see our children leading lives of total security, free from the overpowering fears & anxieties that beset us at times. And some of us do look back at childhood through a rosy glow, remembering perhaps the sense of love, laughter, fun & companionship. What we tend to forget are the times of fear, rage & anxiety over a World we can't control & an environment that is bigger than us. There are the night terrors, the boogie men behind the bed, the times of separation from our parents, the battles of will as we struggle for independence, the rage as well as love that siblings can induce, the cruelty of other children, the complexity of the developmental tasks we must master. Watch any child learn to walk & you'll get some idea of the struggle & courage involved. Even the happiest, most secure child must go through times of intense anxiety, fear, anger & a sense of isolation. For, after all, no one can accomplish her tasks for her. Mother can be around to help her walk but she can't walk for her & certainly she can't fall over for her. In order to learn to walk, the child has to learn to fall & then to pick herself up & try all over again.
         This theme is one that is mirrored in many fairy tales. The young hero sets out on his journey & encounters various obstacles through which he perseveres towards his final success.
         The fairy tale gets across the message that although life can be a battle & the things that happen to us may seem unjust & beyond our control, if we keep persevering we will eventually win through. This is a tremendously important lesson. The child who does not believe in the possibility of success & happy outcomes is the child who will give up the struggle & never succeed.
         Annie Stories are like personalised stories that are set in the real World.
         Your Child as an Individual: All children are not alike, & I would like to emphasise the importance of understanding & accepting your child as an individual. Don't try to apply rules & prescriptions wholesale just because you've read them in books. Think about them first & see how they apply to your particular child. Trust your intuition--you are the one who knows your child best after all.
         Equally, when you're making up Annie Stories, match the heroine's personality style to your child's. If your daughter is a naturally cautious soul, for example, a heroine who charges into new situations with gusto & abandon is going to be much more difficult for her to identify with.
         Rather than trying to make your child over in your image--a generally fruitless task if her basic characteristics are different from yours--it makes sense to stop & try to understand where she is coming from. What are her natural ways of coping with the World? Can you help her strengthen & improve on them in ways that feel right for her?
         The View from the Other Side: The experience of trying to understand the World from someone else's perspective is something we don't do enough of. Particularly with regard to our children, it can make an enormous difference to the way we see a situation.
         It is very important to keep this in mind when telling Annie Stories. An incident that might seem trivial to you can be experienced as devastating from your child's point of view. A behaviour that might be seen as malicious defiance from an adult viewpoint may be experienced by the child as a crucial step in her struggle towards mature independence. Thus, both sides, through seeing only their own viewpoint, can feel mightily wronged & misunderstood. Perhaps a good rule of thumb when dealing with your child's anxieties & problems is to really listen first & try to understand what it feels like to her. Don't make quick judgments or jump to hasty conclusions--they can sabotage your attempts to help before you've begun.
         Imagination: Human beings have a highly developed ability to visualise & imagine things--it's one of the characteristics that sets us apart from other species. Most of us take this ability so much for granted that we never stop to think about it. Or to wonder what the World would be like without imagination.
         Imagination can be defined as the ability to think about & experience the World through our "mind's eye." It is not just confined to poets & painters. We use it constantly. In simple things like doing the weekly shopping we must project ourselves into the future & think about what items we are likely to need in the days ahead. Without imagination, we would be unable to do this.
         We, in fact, are really only just beginning to find out what an extraordinarily powerful tool the human imagination is.
         In laboratories, psychologists have shown that when we imagine ourselves running, for instance, the muscles in our legs twitch as though they are being activated, even though we may be sitting with our feet up in a chair. Studies have shown that imagining yourself practicing gymnastics can actually increase your gymnastic proficiency. At the Olympic Games, you may have noticed the high jump athletes, for instance, standing with their eyes closed before jumping, nodding their heads & making strange facial expressions. What they were actually doing was visualising themselves running down the track & making a perfect jump.
         Imagination can produce emotional responses as well as physiological ones. Imagining yourself sitting by a quiet stream in the country can produce a feeling of peacefulness & so on.
         Modeling: Modeling is really learning by demonstration, & research has shown that children learn very readily this way. The model acts out a way of coping with the problem the child is currently experiencing, & the child learns by observing & later imitating the model's actions. The modeling can be a real life demonstration or it can be a scene which is imagined by the child. When the child imagines someone else carrying out the actions successfully, for example, getting into the bath & splashing around happily, it is called covert modeling. This is an extremely effective form of modeling. Also, if a heroine achieves success at the end of the story, the child is much more likely to emulate the heroine's actions in real life.


How to Use Annie Stories

         Some parents I've spoken to feel a bit daunted at first at the idea of making up a story. It's usually a lot easier than you think.
         When you're making up your own story, use the notes in this book as a guide.
         Think about the problem that has initiated the need for the story. Try to tune in to how your child is feeling as she struggles with this problem. What must it seem like from her point of view? Then think about the outline of your story beforehand if you can. What ideas do you want to get across to your child? What sort of solutions would you like your story to suggest?
         Keep It Simple: The more understanding you can put into your story, the more the story will reach out to your listener. You don't have to be a psychology professor to do this. Simple language & simple concepts work best. And if you're really puzzled as to what your child is feeling, but just know she has a problem, an "Annie felt awful..." or "Annie felt worried..." will suffice. Don't forget, at any point in your story you can always invite your child to fill in the gaps by saying, "And what do you think Annie felt like then?"
         Remember as you build your story that you are simply creating a plot line that mirrors your child's problems & a heroine who mirrors her feelings. The characters, events & settings will parallel her real life, friends, activities & home life. After you have set the scene in this way, you can then have the heroine go on to master her problems or come to terms with what has been distressing her. The solutions that the heroine finds don't have to be very complex ones. They may be solutions based on ones you have found in your own life. These solutions may involve learning new practical or social skills; finding comfort through friends & family; learning that the passage of time can be healing & so on.
         Always be open to your child as you tell the story. Notice when she seems riveted & when she seems impatient. You'll get clues as to where the story's hitting home from your child's expression. It will also help you as you weave your story--one child might be very interested in the details of Annie's clothes while another might be bored. With this instant feedback you'll find it easier & easier to tell the sort of stories that are tuned in to your child's interests & needs.
         Some children will prefer to listen quietly to the stories. Others will make comments or ask questions. Don't brush these comments or questions aside; they are all part of the story-telling process & will often give you valuable insights into your child's thinking. If you have trouble answering the question, say "What do you think?" If your child helpfully says "I don't know," & the question seems an important one, say something like "Why don't we guess what she was doing there..." (or whatever the question related to). Guessing is an excellent way of finding out about things.
         Don't worry either about making mistakes. You & your story don't have to be perfect. Ignore your fumbles & if you become aware of any goofs (often from your child's expression), simply correct them with an "Oops, I almost forgot, she didn't go by herself, she went with a friend," or whatever the mistake relates to.
         Often your child will correct you with a pitying glance that says, "Poor mom, can't even remember a story right." This doesn't seem to dim either her enjoyment or her use of the story & neither should it dim yours.
         Applying the Described Techniques: If your child tries out a solution you may have suggested in an Annie Story & it doesn't work, don't panic. First, talk to her about it so that you can find out exactly what she did, how she did it & what happened. This will give you clues on how to shape the follow-up Annie Story. For example, let's say your daughter was worried about making friends. You had told her a story about a little girl with a similar problem who had learned to go up to her classmates & say "Can I join in?" or "Would you like to play hopscotch with me?" Your daughter may have come home with a very long face, having tried this & failed.
         What you may find, however, is that she tried it with only one classmate & then gave up. In that case the follow-up Annie Story could be about a little girl who tried this, got very disappointed & then learned that if she didn't give up, & asked perhaps a few different classmates, she succeeded in getting a friend to play with her.
         It may also be that you really haven't a clue as to why the technique used in a story failed. In that case an Annie Story where Annie is disappointed about her failure but nevertheless resolves to find a way out of her dilemma may be appropriate. You can also focus on the fact that Annie & her family felt very proud of her for trying, even though she had failed.
         Children are usually extremely enthusiastic audiences. They love stories & they love time with you. The combination of the two is like a double-dipped ice cream cone--unbeatable!
         Following now are some situations in which you may find Annie Stories helpful, & some tips on how to gear them to those situations.


Nightmares

         Research has shown that all normal people dream regularly--usually four or five times a night. Before beginning the story I would like to distinguish between nightmares & night terrors.
         A nightmare is a distinct dream. A frightened child waking from a nightmare will be able to tell you, "...there was a big green giant chasing me & he was trying to squash me...," for instance.
         Night terrors involve a more extreme sense of panic than is usually engendered by nightmares. (Editor: Of course these are spiritual attacks of the Enemy, & need to be fought with lots of prayer & God's Word.)
         Reassure children, stroke them soothingly & talk to them gently. Let your child return to a peaceful sleep as soon as you can. These attacks may occur more frequently when your child is under stress, so it is always worthwhile looking at this aspect & seeing if there are ways of alleviating such stresses.
         Very young children cannot yet distinguish between fantasy & reality. They believe that their dreams have a concrete reality. As they get older they develop the understanding that dreams take place only in the mind.
         A night light can be a great comfort. Having a favourite toy to cuddle up to in bed can be very reassuring too. Blankets are often particularly important to children. They may give their favourite blankets names, like Pinky, & the security of snuggling up to their familiar texture gives a wonderfully soothing quality to the bedtime routine. Pillows are important too. We've all had the experience of struggling to sleep on a pillow that's too hard, too lumpy, or not right in some other way.
         Bedtime is traditionally a time of special intimacy for parent & child. It can be a time to talk & listen quietly, to share the day's happenings & to give your child a sense of being cherished & loved. Going to sleep feeling loved is a wonderful experience for all of us.


Fears

         Desensitisation involves working out a "ladder" of fears relating to the object or situation your child is scared of. At the bottom rung of the ladder is a situation that your child can cope with comfortably, & at the top end is one that would have her very upset. With a fear of dogs, for instance, the bottom rung might consist of looking at a picture of a dog in a children's book, while the top rung might be the experience of having a dog jump into her lap. In between these two rungs are a graduated series of situations relating to dogs that range from mildly discomforting near the bottom to fear-provoking near the top.
         In using desensitisation to help your child in losing her fear of dogs, you would guide her up this ladder one rung at a time, starting at the bottom. Every time she begins to get anxious, help her to relax, then allow her to try that rung again. After a few repetitions of rung-followed-by-relaxation, your child will be able to feel more & more comfortable while contemplating or experiencing that rung of the ladder. When she feels quite comfortable & relaxed with it, she can progress to the next rung.
         Start with something that she feels comfortable with & then move slowly up. Praise your child with each successful step she takes. The more competent she feels, the more confidently she will be able to face her fears. It can be helpful to construct a chart of your child's progress. Each successful step can be noted by a gold star; a very concrete symbol to your child.
         When helping your child with her fears, it is important that you communicate to her both verbally & non-verbally that there is nothing intrinsically dangerous about dogs. Of course you shouldn't attempt to do this with your child if you are also scared of dogs! (Editor: Of course lots of good verses on fear & faith will strike at the heart of the problem.)
         Sometimes too, children's fears can be perpetuated because they get rewarded for them. In other words, when they get upset they may get a lot of extra attention that they don't get when they're not being frightened.
         This does not mean that your child should be punished for crying when she sees a dog. Comfort her, but don't make a big deal out of it. Let her know that you understand her feelings, but also let her know that you are confident that with time she'll be able to feel more comfortable with dogs. Equally, don't laugh at her fears or dismiss them out of hand--they are real & serious to her.
         Many childhood fears seem irrational to adults but are quite rational to children. The bath tub is a good example. The average two-year-old hasn't yet realised that her body is too big to be sucked down the drain, & a fear of the bath is a very understandable reaction. Some children's fears are common to the great majority of children & peak & subside at different ages. Others are specific to the individual child. Some can be traced back to a specific incident, but others seem to arise out of the blue. There is a great range, too, in the intensity of these fears, going from mild unease to panic.
         Given that it is normal for children to have various fears, if they are hampering your child's lifestyle or sense of confidence & well-being, it's worth doing something about them. Annie Stories are one way of helping children through fears.


A New Baby in the Family

         For most children, the arrival of a baby brother or sister heralds the dawning of a new age. It signals the end of their reign. The child often feels that she is being squeezed out in order to accommodate the newest & smallest member of the family.
         It's true that many siblings share deep bonds of love & caring. That as they grow older, they are remarkably supportive & nourishing of each other. That these are bonds which will never be broken.
         However, many siblings grow up in an atmosphere where each is seen as the natural enemy, where competition is akin to survival, & where liking & trust are foreign notions.
         Why is this so? Well, just for a moment, put yourself in the child's shoes.
         You & your spouse have a wonderful marriage. You only have eyes for each other. You are the sun in each other's skies. You have been blissfully & solely immersed in each other for some years now & in your mind will continue to be so until the end of your days. Suddenly, one evening, your husband brings home a new wife. How would you feel?
         Siblings are often in competition for space, possessions, achievements, individual identities, parental love & attention. They may be totally different in personality--not the sort each would ever choose as a friend--& yet be forced to live together in a relationship far closer than friendship. Try as they may, there is no escape from this relationship.
         Lay the foundations for a good relationship by carefully preparing your child for the birth of a sibling. Don't paint an erroneous picture of an instant playmate, for instance, & don't expect that your child's reaction to the new baby will necessarily be the same as yours. It is common for children to show signs of stress at this time. They may regress to more babyish ways or become extra demanding or naughty.
         The more secure each child feels in the love of her parents & in her special place in the family, the easier she will find it to resolve the conflicts of siblinghood. If she is confident in herself as a person & in her parents' interest in & love for her, she will feel less threatened by the competition, that is, her sibling. If she feels inferior, neglected, or unloved, she will find it much harder to tolerate the constant comparisons she must make between her lot & her brother's or sister's. She may fight even harder to retain what scrap she sees herself as possessing of parental attention, or she may give up the fight & retreat into depression, resentfulness, or self-deprecation.
         Children need to know they are loved & valued as individuals. They do not need to be treated in exactly the same way--they are not exactly the same people. What is right for one will be wrong for the other. They do need to feel, however, that they are each being treated fairly.
         Although sibling relationships do contain the seeds of destructive emotions, they can also provide the challenge that enables children to resolve their conflicts & rise above them in the creation of loving & lasting bonds. They can teach them how to cope with the various hurdles that life will set in their way, such as losing, fighting & envying, & become stronger through coping with them.
         Some of the ways in which parents can help are by giving each child a firm & loving sense of her special place in the family & in their affections. They can encourage each child's particular strengths & abilities without comparing her to the other. Comparisons invite rivalry & competition.
         Parents can respect the need that each child has for her private space & possessions. You wouldn't like it if your neighbour kept taking your car out & forgetting to bring it home or leaving the headlights on all night. Insist that children ask permission before borrowing or playing with each other's possessions. This saves the owner from feeling in constant danger of being invaded & robbed.
         Finally, particularly where small children are concerned, love is often thought of as something akin to an apple pie. If one slice is given to someone else, then that leaves less for them. If everyone can feel secure with her share of the love pie & understand that it is infinite, everything else is much easier to overcome.


First Days at Nursery School

         Starting school is a momentous occasion for most children, an entry into a whole new World. As with anything else, children will react to this in their own different ways, depending on their personalities & particular circumstances.
         For many children, starting school is a longed for & exciting event. It is stressful, to be sure. Sometimes if you prepare this sort of child for school in a very protective way, stressing, for instance, that you'll stay with them awhile, they may start to wonder what the hidden catch is & why they need to be so protected. With this sort of child, taking them into the classroom, introducing them to their new teacher & waving a cheery good-bye may be all you need to do.
         On the other hand, the slow-to-warm-up child takes time to feel confident in new situations & will usually respond best if eased into them gradually. Thus a program of staying with them a certain amount of time the first day, less the second, less again on the third, & so on may be the most helpful strategy to adopt. This allows your child to get her bearings slowly.
         Practice by leaving your child with friends, relatives, or babysitters for periods of a couple of hours well before her first leave-taking of you at school. The first day at the nursery is much more traumatic for your child if she has never been parted from you before. This does not mean that you have to go off & leave her for a week in order to get her used to it, but rather that you let her get accustomed to being away from you for small intervals of time.
         For many children nursery school is the first big arena where they are continually exposed to a large group of their peers. They may have spent time with other children before, in play groups & so on, but here they are with the same, relatively large number of children of their own age for extended periods of time, day in & day out.
         For some children it is easy to find a position in the group & feel at home. For others it is more difficult. Perhaps the most important aspect though is that the child be comfortable with her position.
         Some children will enjoy having lots of friends; others will be content with very few. This does not sentence them to a life as an unhappy misfit. It simply means that they enjoy more solitary pursuits & are less dependent on the company of others.
         Many children, however, are unhappy with the position they find themselves in with regard to their peers. Such children often feel themselves to be disliked. Sometimes these children are in fact disliked, but sometimes the dislike is imaginary. Whichever it is, it should be examined. Talk to your child's teacher to see if your child is indeed disliked. Find out how your child approaches other children. Is she too aggressive? Is she too shy? Tell your child Annie Stories which are appropriate. For instance, if your child is losing friends because she always wants her own way, let Annie discover new & more positive ways of relating to classmates. Act these Annie Stories out with you as Annie & your daughter as the classmate. Then reverse roles. All this will give her positive role models to follow & helpful practice in the skills of socialization.


Divorce (Separating)

         A divorce places enormous stress on everyone concerned. People react with a multitude of emotions--rage, guilt, sadness, fear, relief, yearning. Although a divorce is highly traumatic for most children, research suggests that in the long term it need not necessarily inflict lasting emotional damage. It is the "background" of the divorce that affects the way a child recovers from this painful event.
         Children's Reactions to Divorce: Most children show signs of stress in the first year or so following a separation or divorce. Anger, sadness & confusion are chief among the emotions they may experience.
         Children may be angry at either or both parents for not keeping the family together. They may be angry at themselves, feeling that it was their naughtiness that drove Mom & Dad apart or that they failed to do something that would have kept them together. These angry feelings may be difficult for the child to handle & express. She may fear, for instance, that if she shows her anger to the noncustodial parent, she may be rejected entirely & lose even her visiting times. Similarly, she may imagine that if she gets too angry at the parent she is living with, this parent may reject her as well. She may be scared by the intensity of her anger, fearing that if she lets even a little of it out, it will become uncontrollable.
         Sadness is an almost universal accompaniment to divorce. Coupled with the sadness may be feelings of inadequacy & low self-esteem. The child may feel she is worthless, bad, or unlovable. She may feel that she can't do anything right.
         Sometimes a child's sadness may take the form of a passive withdrawal from life. She may mope around, uninterested in school, her friends, or any of the other things she used to enjoy.
         The child may be weepy, crying at things that never used to upset her. She may redevelop fears, such as a fear of the dark, that she had previously mastered, or she may regress in other ways. If she has been toilet trained, for instance, she may slip back into wetting herself. She may become extra demanding of attention & find normal everyday separations, such as going to school, hard to tolerate. She may develop physical symptoms such as tummy aches or have problems concentrating in school.
         In the chaos of a divorce it is also common for the child to feel lost & forgotten. Often the parents are finding it difficult to deal with their own feelings & have little emotional energy to spare for their child. This is very frightening for her & she may frantically redouble her attempts to get attention--only to end up being perceived as whining or naughty.
         She will often feel confused as well, prey to conflicting feelings. Sometimes she will feel relieved that the fighting will end when Daddy moves out & at the same time she may painfully wish that he would stay. It is hard for her to look into the future & grasp the finality of divorce. Young children have trouble comprehending next week, let alone next month or next year. She may be confused about what caused the divorce & what her new relationship with her parents will be. She may feel torn between her parents, alternately angry & pleading, not sure who, if anyone, is to blame. She may wonder how or whether to tell her friends, her teachers & the other people in her life. Overall, she is also likely to feel painfully & frighteningly helpless. This may be the most excruciating & overwhelming event of her life so far, & there is not a thing she can do about it.
         Children's Fears & Fantasies: Perhaps the most pronounced fear that the child going through a divorce experiences is the fear of abandonment. With divorce, all of the child's fantasies about being abandoned may seem to be coming true. It is very important to reassure your child that she will not be abandoned. This reassurance will most likely have to be repeated frequently. Everyday situations such as being left with a baby-sitter may rekindle the fear that you are never coming back.
         Children often carry the fantasy that they were to blame for the divorce. A child may feel that it was her naughtiness that drove Daddy away from the house. Or she may feel that her naughtiness made Mommy & Daddy argue so much that it caused them to split.
         Parallel to the child's feeling that it was something she did that drove her parents apart is the equally common fantasy that there is something she can do to bring them back together again. A great many children try all sorts of tactics to have their family reunited. A child may think that if she is very good, Daddy will come home again. Or that if she is very bad, her parents will need to get together to consult with each other about her behaviour. She may sometimes feel that if she were sick, Daddy would need to come home again. For a long time after the divorce has become final, children almost invariably hold on to the fantasy that their mother & father will get back together again.
         Children fear, too, not only for their own welfare but for that of their parents. They may worry about "poor Daddy" alone in his apartment & having to look after himself. Or they may worry about Mommy, who is looking so sad & tired with her extra burden. They may worry about financial matters--worries which can be fueled by parents' comments such as "She's taken every last cent from me" & "We're never going to be able to live on the money he's giving us."
         These fears & fantasies are common to many children, but it is also a good idea to ask your own child what her fears are about the divorce.
         How to Tell Children: Whenever possible, break the news about the upcoming separation before you or your spouse has actually moved out. This will give your child time to think about the news, get over some of the initial shock, & talk to you both about what it all means for her. Children need to have repeated opportunities with both parents to ask questions & talk about their feelings. They need time to digest the new situation & come back to it. Don't expect that a single heart-to-heart talk will take care of everything.
         When you're explaining the divorce, make sure, too, that your explanation is phrased in terms your child can understand. Research has shown that a surprising number of children were either not given an explanation of the divorce or were given one that was over their heads. Children who were given an explanation they could understand fared much better emotionally than those who were not. Children who were left in the dark were forced into a desperate search for clues & meanings in their effort to make sense of the World they now found themselves in.
         When talking to your child about divorce, it is important to emphasise that while marriage partners can divorce each other, parents cannot divorce children. Make it clear that you will always be her parent & will be there to take care of her.
         When a parent has deserted or does not want contact with a child, it is important to let your child know that the problem lies within that parent. Children often think that their "badness" or worthlessness is the reason why a parent deserted them. Explain to your child that the deserting parent was simply not grown-up enough to be a parent or had too many problems to be able to parent properly.
         In general, when telling a child about your impending separation or divorce, let her know that it is not her fault--she did nothing to cause it, could have done nothing to prevent it, & cannot bring you back together again.
         When you talk to your child about divorce, it is worth acknowledging that it is a difficult process to get through, but reassure her that you will make it. Too often parents make remarks such as "Things will be better after the divorce," when in fact it usually takes some time for the expected improvement to take place. Children then become confused & mistrustful when they see that things are in fact worse immediately after the divorce.
         Problems & Pitfalls: One of the major pitfalls about divorce is that it is such an overwhelming & painful time for the parents that they may have little emotional energy left over for their child. Thus the child may feel abandoned by both parents, not just the one who is leaving.
         On the other hand, during this period parents often find themselves falling into the compelling, but killing, trap of competing for the child's affection & loyalty. They may engage in a battle to try to make the child choose between them.
         Although most children love presents & circuses, in the end what they usually crave most is simple, ordinary time with you--a time when they can tell you what happened at school, for instance, as you companionably put away the dinner dishes.
         Visiting times often bring conflicting emotions, & the transition from one parent to the other is usually a particularly delicate period for the child. She may have been looking forward to the visit for days with mounting & even painful excitement. Then when the day comes, she may suddenly fear leaving the custodial parent. What if Mommy isn't there when she comes back? What if Mommy gets sick while she is away or is sad & lonely without her? What if she gets scared in the unfamiliar surroundings of Daddy's new apartment? Parents too are often feeling mixed emotions. The custodial parent may be glad of the respite from child-caring & yet be sad or worried to see her child go. The noncustodial parent may be confused or hurt at seeing the child holding back &, to his eyes, obviously hedging about the visit.
         All children will have increased emotional needs during this period--they may need extra cuddling & reassurance, be weepy or clingy. Researchers have shown that little girls tend to have their dependency needs met more satisfactorily than boys. Parents tend not to cuddle boys as much & are less tolerant of such signs of dependency as clinging or weepiness. You won't spoil your children by fussing over them & meeting their needs for extra attention during this period. You'll simply enable them to feel more secure & therefore more able to work through this difficult phase.
         What You Can Do to Make It Easier: Perhaps the most important thing you can do for your child during this most difficult time is to give her permission to be close to both of her parents. Don't try to force her to choose between you or make her feel that she is being disloyal to you when she responds positively to her other parent. Most children want a continued, close relationship with both parents. Most children love both parents despite their faults. The most loving thing you can do for your child is to recognise that she has her own feelings about your ex-spouse & that they do not have to coincide with yours.
         The transition periods before & after visits are often times of extra stress for the child. You can help by letting her know that she is free to enjoy her time with Daddy without your being hurt or upset by it.
         Reassure her that you will be fine while she's away & that you will be there to welcome her home again.
         During & following a divorce the custodial parent often finds herself spinning frantically in a whirlpool of extra work. Added to her extra working hours is the worry, strain & general emotional drain experienced by those going through a divorce. This means that at a time when the child needs more of you, she is actually getting less of you. As you try to do several dozen things at once as well as field your child's requests for attention, it is easy to degenerate into something resembling the Wicked Witch of the West. One way of helping to alleviate this situation is to set aside some special time for just you & your child, say a half-hour every evening. This is a time when you can simply sit with your child, read stories, play games, talk about the day, & most important of all, nourish your child's self-esteem. Hug her, kiss her, talk about her special talents, how proud you are of her & so on. Let this be a time for making sure your child feels loved & appreciated.
         Discipline is one of the things that often goes haywire after a divorce. But discipline, in its fair, consistent & stable form, is one of the things that children, & particularly children in chaos, need most. There are many reasons why discipline tends to dissolve in divorced families. Sometimes it's because the father has been the disciplinarian in the family & in his absence, the mother may be struggling with a new & unfamiliar role. Sometimes the father, in his new role as noncustodial parent, stops disciplining the child for fear the child will reject him or because he wants to win extra favor with the child. Often both parents are so preoccupied with their own problems that discipline becomes an on-again, off-again affair. Sometimes they let the child do things that normally wouldn't be allowed as a sort of compensation for the divorce or because they cannot tolerate their child's disapproval or tears.
         Children at this stage often seem to be opposing discipline in any way they can--breaking the rules, being naughty or defiant. Sometimes this is their way of letting out the anger they feel about the divorce. Often it is their way of testing the limits--seeing how far they can go before a parent really rejects them, or finding out how securely in control their parent really is. The best thing you can do is reassure your child that you are committed to loving & looking after her no matter how naughty she may be at times.
         Finally, realise that recovery from a divorce takes time. It is foolish to expect that everyone will be perfectly adjusted to the new situation from day one. Each member of the family is bound to go through emotional ups & downs for some time as he or she works through the traumas, pain & confusion to its eventual resolution.


When Somebody Dies

         Death is a natural part of life. Children come across death in various ways--a dead insect or bird on the sidewalk, the death of a pet, & so on. Too often, however, we try to protect them from the reality of death. Many a parent has raced to the pet shop in a frantic search to replace, before the child notices, the pet which has departed for the Farm in the Sky. The opportunity to observe, learn & understand about death in a meaningful way is lost. Death & loss are always painful, but to pretend that they do not exist does not make them any less painful. Pets die, you do feel sad, you recover, & then after a while feel ready to care for a new pet.
         When explaining death to a young child, don't equate death with going to sleep. Young children can become terrified of going to sleep in case it means they are going to slip into death.
         Stress that simply getting sick does not lead to death. A phrase like, "She got sick & died," can lead an impressionable child to suppose that any sort of sickness can lead to death. She may become terrified of being sick or of seeing other people sick.
         Many of the terms we use to describe death can be very confusing for young children who take them literally. Sometimes instead of saying, "Mary died last night," we'll say such things as, "we lost Mary last night." This is very distressing to the child who takes you literally. "If you lost Mary, why aren't you looking for her--don't you want to find her again?" Such expressions as, "passed away," "not with us," & so on can be equally confusing. It is best to be clear & direct in the language you use to discuss death with children. (Editor: Thank the Lord you can teach them all the wonderful things God's Word says about Heaven.)
         Sometimes children can feel tremendously guilty about a death. If they had a fight or were angry with the deceased, they can believe that their anger caused him or her to die.
         They may be openly sad & weepy or silently withdrawn. Sometimes they find it hard to verbalise the empty feeling of loss & may describe it as boredom. They may express their distress nonverbally with bed-wetting, nightmares, behaviour problems & so on.
         They can feel very angry at the deceased for deserting them. They may fear further abandonment by the important people in their life & can become very clingy & panic-stricken at the thought of separation. They need to be reassured that their feelings are normal & have their fears assuaged.
         Doing something caring for the dying person can help a child to say a loving good-bye. She can feel that she has been able to give something to the person she loves.
         Reminiscing about the dead person is part of the healthy working-through of the mourning process. We usually need to talk about, think about, feel pain about something before we are ready for a healthy "letting go."
         You can share your sadness with your child too. She may be puzzled if you show no open grief over the death of someone close to you. But make sure you let her know that your sadness is due to your loss & not caused by something your child has done.
         When you are talking to your child about death, it's important that your explanation about death & Heaven is backed up with your body language & other communications.--In other words, that you keep speaking faith about how happy your loved one is now.


Relaxation

         We all need to relax. Some of us are good at it while others find it hard to do. Children are the same. Relaxation makes almost everything feel better & run more smoothly. We work better, play more happily, feel healthier, sleep more easily, & in general function at a significantly more enjoyable level.
         Children can benefit from relaxation when they're stressed, over-tired, frustrated, worried, over-excited, or when they simply feel like it. And just as with adults, many of them have to be taught how to relax or be reminded when to do it.
         Teaching relaxation through the medium of storytelling is a particularly pleasant way of doing it, both for the child & the storyteller.
         Some of the relaxation scenes you might like to try out include, for example, the fantasy of turning into a rag doll. There are a myriad of other relaxing fantasies that you could share with your child & weave in & out of your stories.
         When you're describing these relaxing scenes, such as a trip to the beach or the countryside, make them as rich in detail as possible so that the imagery is very vivid & alive. Wherever possible, describe the feel, sound, smell & taste of the scene, as well as the sight. These extra descriptive dimensions add to the vitality & intensity of the experience.


Dealing with Pain

         For most of us, pain is a transient event. We cut our fingers or have a vaccination, feel the pain, cope with it in our own characteristic way, & think no more of it. Nothing could be simpler, we think.
         In fact, pain is far from simple. It is a complex phenomenon which everyone experiences slightly differently & reacts to individually. Not only does it feel different from person to person, but for each person, the same pain can be experienced differently depending on its context.
         For instance, a relaxed or absorbed person is less bothered by pain than a tense or depressed person.
         We can describe the experience of pain in terms not only of how much pain we are experiencing, but also of how much that pain is bothering us or how much suffering it is causing us. A small pain that distresses us greatly is usually a more difficult experience to cope with than a more severe pain that for some reason does not distress us much. The meaning of the pain can affect the degree of suffering.
         As an example, a small twinge which we believe indicates cancer is far more distressing than a bad case of sunburn, even though the level of pain caused by the sunburn is more severe than the twinge thought to be cancer.
         Another component in our response to pain is our sense of how powerless we feel to do anything about it. If we feel that there is nothing we can do to change or ease the pain or to make ourselves more comfortable, we will often experience the pain as more "painful" & distressing.
         The experience of pain is open to change through our attitudes. Most of us just haven't been taught how to do it. We think that pain, because it arises from a physical cause, is a set factor that can't be changed. In fact, although the pain arises from a physical cause, we experience it in a psychological way, that is, through our minds. This is what makes the experience of pain malleable.
         Children often have a particular talent for using the power of their minds to deal with pain.
         Anticipated Pain: The techniques involve imagining such things as coldness, numbness, & that our mind's switchboard for pain has been disconnected. There are many, many useful images which can be effective in controlling pain. The most valuable of these are likely to come from your child. Feel free to ask her what methods she might like to employ to ensure that she will not be bothered by pain. Once they have got the general drift of the exercise, children generally come up with wonderful ideas & find it a lot of fun.
         It's important, too, to maintain a confident attitude & communicate that to your child. If the first method you try doesn't work, don't be fazed, just try another method. If none of the methods you try work, simply state calmly & confidently that these methods require some time & practice to start working, & now that she has begun, your daughter's brain can learn to get better & better at turning off pain & may even find its own special method that you haven't even mentioned yet.
         Chronic Pain or Pain that is Already Present: (Editor: First of all, pray & claim healing.) When your child is experiencing pain, you should always check that there is nothing physically wrong with her. Pain is a warning signal alerting us to the fact that something needs to be fixed up.
         Pain may also be experienced as a result of stress or other psychological factors. A typical example is a tension headache. If such events are common, try to find out why your child is feeling so distressed. What is going on in her life that is bringing about these headaches? You can also help her use relaxation & pain control methods as ways of coping with tension, & of relieving her of the extra stress of the pain she is experiencing.


Going to the Hospital

         A hospital stay is generally a frightening & taxing experience for young children; that's why it's best to stay with them & not leave them alone if at all possible. For many it means not only a separation from their parents & all that is dear & familiar to them, but also a series of intrusive & often painful medical procedures.
         It is vital to reassure your child that you are not abandoning her. If for some reason it should be impossible for you to be with her constantly, tell her when you will be visiting & for how long. Don't say you'll be with her at the time if you won't. Explain hospital visiting regulations to her & let her know where you'll be & what you'll be doing during the day. Make sure, too, that you visit your child at the times you say you will. Missed visits often cause a great deal of anguish for children. If someone else is staying with her, it is a good idea to leave little notes, or inexpensive gifts to be unwrapped in your absence. These reassure your child that you are still thinking of her. If you can, make a tape recording of your voice reading her favourite stories so that she can play it back in the hospital. Give her a hanky with your perfume on it so she can sniff at it & be comforted by at least part of your presence.
         Prepare your child for the hospital by telling her in advance as much as possible about what will happen to her, what her environment will be like, what sorts of people she is likely to meet, & what sort of medical procedures are likely to be carried out. Don't tell her that procedures or tests won't hurt if they are likely to. Stress, instead, that the hurt won't last long, & it is helping to make her better.
         All this information helps a child cope better with what can be a bewildering & overwhelming experience. We all feel more secure with a road map when driving through unfamiliar country.
         Many children feel lonely, homesick & scared in the hospital. Let your child know that such feelings are normal & that you can understand them, but also reassure her that she will be taken care of. Saying, "I know you feel frightened, but you will be taken care of..." is quite different from saying, "You shouldn't be frightened; you'll be taken care of..." Telling people they shouldn't feel something rarely stops them feeling it. It usually makes them feel bad or inadequate so that they then have that to contend with as well as the original feeling.
         "Hospital" games can be very beneficial in allowing your children to work through their feelings about the hospital. You can improvise using common household materials--a clear straw can be a thermometer & an old white shirt can be a doctor's coat. Crayons & drawing materials will help too.
         (Editor: This story-telling method is geared to younger children up to about five or six years old, depending on the child. You could use the following example story as a basis & modify for any of the various needs your child has:)


A New Baby!--Example Story

         Annie was a little girl who lived in a brown house with her mommy & daddy & aunts & uncles.
         One day when Annie & her family were having dinner, her mom said to her, "I've got some news for you, Annie. We're going to be having a new baby in the family in a few months."
         "Oh," said Annie. She didn't quite know what to say.
         "Where's it coming from?" she asked. She thought maybe Mom meant she was going to borrow it from somewhere, or perhaps she had been asked by a friend to look after it for a while.
         Her dad laughed. "It's in your mommy's tummy, Annie. It's going to be our family's baby, a little brother or sister for you."
         Annie looked at her mommy's tummy. It looked pretty normal, a bit fatter than usual perhaps, but it certainly didn't look as if it had a whole baby in it.
         "Why do I have to have a brother or sister?" she asked. "I like things just the way they are now."
         "Your mom & I think it's nice for a family to have brothers & sisters in it. The Lord gave us the new baby just like He gave you to us."
         The next day Annie was talking to her friend Alice. "My mom's going to have a baby," she said.
         "Our baby's one month old now," said Alice.
         Annie nodded. She knew that Alice's mom had just had a baby girl.
         "They told me they were going to get me a baby brother or sister who would play with me," said Alice. "I was really looking forward to it. I even made her a present. But new babies don't play with you right away," she said glumly, "they just cry a lot & make messes in their pants."
         Annie felt worried. When she got home that day she said, "I thought babies were supposed to be able to play with you. Alice says they don't."
         "You're feeling a bit upset by this, aren't you, Annie?" said her mom. "Come here & sit on my lap & let's talk about it."
         "You know, a lot of kids feel upset when a new baby comes into the house. Sometimes they feel as if the baby's taken their place & their parents don't care about them any more. They can get jealous because sometimes people pay more attention to the baby & not as much attention to them any more. They think their mom & dad have taken away some of the love they gave to them & given it to the baby instead. That makes them feel very unhappy."
         "But isn't it true?" said Annie. She had a horrible feeling in her tummy. She didn't want her mom & dad taking any of their love away from her.
         "It's not really true," said her mom. "You see, children tend to think that love is like a big juicy apple pie."
         Annie nodded. She loved apple pie.
         Her mom continued, "They think that if two people share the pie then they each get less than the whole pie. They sometimes get very jealous watching to see who gets a bigger slice of the pie because they think it means that if someone gets a bigger half, they must have the smaller half."
         "Halves aren't meant to be smaller or bigger," said Annie importantly. "Halves are supposed to be exactly the same. The teacher told us so last week."
         "You're right, Annie," said her mother. "I should have said `piece' instead of `half.' Kids think that if someone else gets the bigger piece then it means that they're left with the smaller piece. But they're wrong."
         "They're wrong?" said Annie. She was surprised. What her mom had said had sounded quite sensible to her.
         "Yes," said Annie's mom, "they're wrong because love isn't like a piece of pie. It's quite different. Love never runs out, & the more you love people, the more love you have left to give them. Think of the way you love Daddy & me. You don't love me less because you also love Daddy, & you don't love Daddy less because you also love me."
         "No," said Annie, "you're right. I love both you & Dad just as much as I can." She wondered why she hadn't thought of it that way before.
         "And," said her mom, "when the new baby comes, we'll still love you just as much as before, even though we'll love the baby as well."
         "That's good," said Annie. She felt a bit better to hear her mom say that.
         "Where do you think would be a good place for the baby to sleep?" asked her mom. "We were thinking of moving some things out of the room so that the baby can have a special corner. We might have to paint it & get some things to put in it."
         "What sort of things?" asked Annie.
         "A bassinet where the baby can sleep, & perhaps some colourful posters, & maybe a mobile to hang up so that the baby can look at it."
         "That sounds like a lot of things," said Annie. "Can I get some things for my room too?"
         "It is a lot of things," said Annie's mom, "but babies need a bit of equipment like bassinets & carriages & so on. When you were born we got lots of stuff just for you. When you got older, you didn't need it, though, so we gave it to others."
         "Oh," said Annie. She didn't know that she'd had so many things as a baby.
         "I was thinking," continued her mom, "that you & I could make some mobiles together. I thought, if you liked, we could make two mobiles, one for you & one for the baby. You could pick which one you wanted."
         Annie nodded. She loved making things with her mom. "That sounds great," she said. "When can we start?"
         "Well," said her mom, "the baby won't be here for a long time yet, but we could start making mobiles this weekend, if you like."
         "Oh good," said Annie. She was looking forward to this.
         "We have to decide what colours to paint the baby's area," said Annie's mom. Would you like to come with us to the paint shop & help us choose the colours?"
         "I'd like that," said Annie. It sounded like fun. "I'm very good at choosing colours for my dolls when I make houses for them."
         The next day Annie asked, "Mommy, can you explain how babies are born?"
         "Well," said her mom, "usually when it's time for the baby to come out, the mother goes to the hospital, & the doctors & nurses look after her there until the baby has come out & is ready to go home.
         "Oh," said Annie. "Will you have to go to the hospital?"
         "Yes," said her mom, "but only for a few days."
         "Can I come too?" asked Annie. She didn't want her mom to go away without her.
         "I'd love to have you with me," said Annie's mom, "because I'll miss you, but the hospital wouldn't have enough room for you. So you'll be staying at home. Dad will be here to look after you, though, & he'll take extra special care of you, & so will your aunts & uncles."
         "You won't go away without telling me?" asked Annie.
         "Of course not," said her mom. "I'll make sure I tell you before I go."
         "Oh good," said Annie. "When will you go into the hospital?"
         "Not for a few months yet," said her mom. "I'll tell you when the time is getting close, so don't worry."
         As time went by, Annie saw that her mommy's tummy was getting bigger & bigger. Her mom showed her pictures in a book about how babies grow. Annie thought they looked a little funny. She found it hard to believe that she had looked like that once.
         One day when Annie's mom was reading her a story, she suddenly took Annie's hand & put it on top of her tummy.
         "Feel this," she said. "The baby's kicking."
         Annie was amazed. It felt very funny, like someone pushing or kicking underneath an eiderdown quilt. "Wow," she said. For the first time she was really getting the idea that there was a real, live baby in there.
         "How does the baby breathe?" she asked. "Doesn't it get squashed? And it must be very dark in your tummy."
         "The baby doesn't breathe the way you & I do, Annie," explained her mom. "It has just enough room so that it's cozy for it. When the baby gets too big for my tummy, it will come out. I suppose it's dark inside tummies, but babies don't mind. And you can talk to the baby & it'll hear you, even if it can't answer."
         Annie crawled under her bed. "I'm a baby in my mommy's tummy," she announced. Then she started to crawl towards her mom--it felt a bit cramped under the bed. "I'm coming out to be born," she said, & hopped up & gave her mom a kiss.
         "What a beautiful baby," said her mom. "I'm glad you were born to me!"
         Annie made believe that one of her dolls was having a baby. She put cotton balls under its dress so that it would look big & round like her mom. Her mom was getting rather tired these days, so Annie made her doll get tired too. Sometimes she fussed over it, making it lie down in the doll's house while she tucked it in.
         When Spring came, Annie's mom told her that she was going to have the baby in the next few weeks.
         Annie's mom said to her, "When the baby's ready to come out, I will have to go to the hospital. Usually mothers don't know exactly when the baby will be ready to be born. If it happens in the middle of the night, for instance, would you like me to wake you up to say goodbye before I go?"
         "Yes," said Annie. "Please wake me up. I don't want you to go without saying goodbye."
         "All right," said her mom. "If you're too sleepy to wake properly, I'll leave a special note on the kitchen table. And look, I've got a special present for you." She held out a little box.
         "What is it?" Annie asked. She loved presents.
         "It's a tape recording I made for you of me reading your favourite Bible stories. You can play it on the cassette recorder here. While I'm away at the hospital, whenever you want to hear me read you a story, all you have to do is play this tape."
         "Oh wow!" said Annie. She thought that sounded great.
         Days & days went by. It seemed like a long, long time to Annie since her mom had told her that the baby would be coming soon.
         It came as a big surprise to her when her mom came up to her room just as she was about to go to sleep one night & said, "Darling, I think the baby is ready to come out. Dad will take me to the hospital."
         "What will I do while you're in the hospital?" said Annie, suddenly feeling upset.
         "Dad & the rest of the family will take good care of you," said her mom, "& I'll be back soon. I'll see you in a few days." She gave Annie another big hug & kiss.
         The next day, Daddy came home from visiting Mommy at the hospital. He had a photo with him. "Look," he said to Annie. "Do you want to see a photo of your new sister?"
         Annie looked. The photo showed a bundle of white with a little red face poking out. Mommy was in the photo too.
         The next day Daddy announced at breakfast, "Mommy's coming home today." Annie was very excited. Now everything can get back to normal, she thought.
         Annie started to make Mommy an extra special drawing. Mommy loved her drawings. She would hang them on the walls & sometimes people who came to visit would say how nice they were & what a clever girl Annie must be.
         Suddenly there was the sound of the car. Mommy was home! Annie looked out of the window. Mommy & Daddy were walking up the path. Mommy was carrying the baby. Annie rushed to the door.
         "Hi Mommy!" she said. "Look what I did for you!" & she pushed her drawing at her mom.
         "Annie!" said her mom, "I missed you, Darling! It's so nice to be home again." She bent down & gave Annie a big kiss. She couldn't give her a big hug because her arms were full of baby. She couldn't take the drawing either because her hands were busy holding the baby. Daddy took the drawing instead.
         "Look at your baby sister, Darling," she said. "Say hello to her."
         Annie bent down & looked at her. She looked wrinkled & red, Annie thought.
         Inside the house, Daddy put Annie's drawing down on the table. "Let's put Cindy to bed," Annie's mom said. "Would you like to help, Annie?"
         Annie brightened up. She loved helping her mom.
         "Why don't you straighten out that blanket in the bassinet," her mom said, "& then you can help me change Cindy's diaper."
         Annie's mom laid Cindy down on her changing table. "Now, I'll do the wiping," she said, "& you can help me by wetting balls of cotton & handing them to me. That will be a great help."
         It felt very good to be such an important helper to her mom.
         Cindy had her eyes open & was looking around her. She had very big eyes & she particularly seemed to like looking at Annie. She waved her little hands around while she looked.
         They were the tiniest hands Annie had ever seen. Annie touched one. It was amazingly soft & silky. Annie had never felt hands like that. Cindy curled her fingers over Annie's as if she had been waiting to hold them for a long, long time. She kicked & babbled. She looked happy.
         Afterwards, Annie's mom said, "Thank you Annie, that was a big help." Then she clapped her hands together & said, "Oh! I nearly forgot! I've got a present for you!"
         "Oh wow!" said Annie. She was really excited. "What is it?"
         "Here it is," said her mom, handing her a box.
         Annie took the wrappings off. It was a baby doll. It came with diapers & a bottle, a little bar of soap, a bib & a baby blanket.
         "That's great!" said Annie. "I'm going to call her Veronica. I'm going to change her diaper," she said, & dashed off to the bathroom with Veronica.
         Annie had thought that when her mom came home, everything would go back to normal, but it didn't.
         The reason was--Cindy. If Cindy didn't need her diaper changed, she needed to be fed; if she didn't need to be fed, she needed to be put to sleep; if she didn't need to be put to sleep, she needed to be played with, & so on, & so on. In the rare times when her mom wasn't doing anything with Cindy, she was so tired that she didn't have the energy to play with Annie the way she used to. Annie felt a little left out, & told her mom.
         "Come here, Annie," said her mom. She held out her arms & sat Annie on her knee. "Do you remember what I told you about love?" said her mom, "about it not being like a piece of pie & that there's more than enough love for everyone in the family?"
         Annie nodded.
         "Well, Dad & I still love you just as much as before. Lately I haven't been spending as much time with you as I used to, but it doesn't mean that I love you less. It's just that babies are very helpless, & looking after them takes time. But if you ever feel you need some extra loving & attention, all you have to do is just come to us & tell us, & we'll give it to you."
         Annie felt a bit better to hear that.
         "You know," her mom went on, "some children think that the only way they can get extra attention is by being bad or silly or being like a little baby themselves. But y
ou don't need to do that. All you have to do is tell us that you want a little more loving & attention."
         That afternoon, when Mom was feeding Cindy, Annie felt a little left out. "You told me to tell you when I wanted some extra attention, Mom," she said, & she tried to climb up in her mom's lap.
         Her mom gave her a kiss. "Are you feeling a bit left out?" she said. "Well, as soon as I've finished feeding Cindy, you could help me change her diaper & then we'll play a game together, okay?"
         Annie nodded. She felt better.
         One day Annie's mom was doing something in the kitchen when Cindy started crying. "Will you play with her, Annie?" she asked. "See if you can stop her crying."
         Annie went up to Cindy. She was lying in her baby bouncer looking very upset. Her arms & legs were kicking around & she was very red in the face.
         Annie came close & smiled at her the way she had seen her mother do. She held out the rattle she had picked up. Cindy instantly stopped crying & gave Annie a big smile. Annie smiled back even harder. Cindy looked at her as if she was the most wonderful thing in the World. Annie gave the rattle a jingle & Cindy chuckled with joy.
         "You know, Mom," said Annie--she had just realised something, "I think Cindy likes me."
         "Didn't you know that?" said her mom. "Cindy thinks you're absolutely terrific. You're her big sister. She's fascinated by you. You're not an adult, but you can do everything better than she can & you can do so many more things than she can. She would love to be able to do things just as well as you."
         "Really?" said Annie. "You mean just like my cousin Peter?"
         "Yes," said her mom, "just like Peter."
         "Wow," said Annie, "I never knew that." She felt pleased. She felt a little bit sorry for Cindy too, because she knew that Cindy would always be younger than she, so she would always know more & be able to do more than Cindy. She might even teach her some things, the way she sometimes taught Peter things. She liked teaching people.
         "Maybe I'll teach you some things," said Annie to Cindy, & waved the rattle again. Cindy gurgled with delight & smiled. Annie smiled back. It looked like having a sister was going to be fun!
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         Are you frustrated, Mommy?
         Are you tired, Dad?
         Does no one appreciate
         The tough day you've just had?

         Is there no one near to thank you
         Or pat you on the back
         For all the work you've done today
         In spite of all you lack?

         You wonder if you'll get ahead
         And when you'll see the light.
         But 'cause your children need you so,
         You know you'll hold on tight!

         'Cause if you'd ever just give up
         Why, who would see them through?
         This one thought, I wot, just ought
         To give new strength to you!

         The Son of God, yet was a man
         With only mortal strength--
         Yet how they pressed & drew from Him,
         Compelled Him to such lengths!

         With weary hands He touched & healed,
         With weary lips He spake!
         With weary feet He walked lone ways
         --He did it for their sakes!

         His life was surely not His Own,
         For He gave it all away!
         To those who pressed to touch, to hear
         The Words He had to say.

         O Lord, today help me to say
         With smile & cheerful heart,
         "It's not a sacrifice at all,
         When called to do my part!"

         And daily as I teach & train,
         And little lives I mold,
         I know my labours one day soon,
         Shall yield one hundred-fold!

         Oh, what a tiny price to pay,
         For such a noble cause,
         To teach their hearts to trust in God,
         And keep His loving laws!

         Frustrated Mom & tired Dad,
         I sympathise with you.
         But give your all & He'll give strength
         And joy to see you through!
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