Laugh with Your Teenager--By Byron W. Arledge
Rearing Responsible Children
Right Side Up. In my work as a counselor for a juvenile court I have found that most people are not really prepared for the tasks of parenting. The steps which I present here are applicable to any relationship, even though here the normal parent-child relationship is emphasised.
Step One: Make Friends. If we expect to raise responsible, healthy children, we need to become involved with them enough to build a good relationship.
I feel that 90 percent of counseling involves establishing the relationship. If there is no relationship, there is no real counseling. Better counseling is often done over a hamburger than over a desk!
Jesus was able to teach & instruct His disciples because they were His friends.
If we are to follow His example, we must get involved with others, particularly our children. Making friends is by far the most important step. I suggest five ways to establish a relationship & to make friends with our children:
1. Pray. Every day, it seems, a parent tells me there is nothing he can do with his child. Wrong! We can always pray for the child & for ourselves. We can pray for our child before he is born, pray over him as a tiny baby, pray with him every day. And it is never too late to begin praying for a child.
2. Be kind. The second step in making friends with our children is to be kind. It takes the presence of God for us to be kind when we feel frustrations all around, & when we feel ready instead to preach a sermon. "Be ye kind to one another," also applies to our kids.
In being kind we should also remember to be at least as courteous to our children as we are to our neighbours.
3. Listen & Talk. We not only need to listen to our children's words, but to "listen" to what they do. Words are only a small portion of their expression. We cannot expect a child of five, ten or even fifteen to communicate like an adult. We must listen to children's behaviour. Does a child do anything around the house? Set fire to it? The way he behaves tells us more than what he says. I believe the parents of a sixteen-year-old child should listen 75 percent of the time & talk only 25 percent of the time.
Gail the attention-getter: The wealthy sixteen-year-old girl had been referred to the juvenile court for shoplifting. The father pounded on my desk, telling Gail, "You can't go out after six o'clock, you can't date, & you can never have the car again!" And on & on. The girl responded by smiling. I noticed the smile, which seemed odd to me, & I asked her what was happening.
She said, "That is the first time my father has talked to me in over a year."
She looked at her father & said, "I finally got your attention."
Attention is not to be minimised. We can't oversimplify it, saying, "She did it just to get attention." The father admitted to me that he had been too busy for the girl. I agreed with him.
The treatment plan in this case was not to refer them to some type of therapy; it was to get the girl & father to have a pleasurable experience together. We must listen to what is happening with our children, talk with them about it, & then act.
4. Make'm Smile. Fourth, in order to make friends, we must "make'm smile". For this we do not have to go to clown school or imitate Bob Hope. We must, however, try to bring a relaxed atmosphere into our homes. When we learn to smile, we get results: We get our children's attention.
5. Touch. "Have you hugged your child today?" is not just another bumper-sticker slogan. A hug makes friends with your child. Usually a child is receptive to touch only after steps one through four are initiated. The child should at least smile first or hint at some pleasure in response.
It does not take much touching to let a child know you want to be friends. Touch means a great deal to an unhappy child. A handshake a day is not too much. All kids need a literal & verbal pat on the back.
It is surprising how many youths referred to the court for murder will actually force me to touch them. They stick out their feet for me to "trip"; they pull on the cross around my neck; they come up behind me & grab my shoulders; they touch my arm as we talk. They exhibit the biggest of smiles when poked in the ribs.
Along with touch comes the necessity of eye contact. I think youth are more tuned into eye contact than are adults. To them it indicates sincerity & honesty as well as a means of building relationships.
Step Two: Help Think. Thinking--meditation--is the next step in treatment, after making friends, & questioning the present behaviour. The purpose of the questioning is to allow a purposeful pause. During the pause we wait for the youth to think. We don't think for him. Allowing this pause requires the skill of "waiting patiently for the Lord."
Thinking first & pausing may also be called "common sense" or "horse sense". Teaching the art of practical thinking can be done while travelling in a car, with "what if?" questions; or while watching television, by asking our children concerning various situations, "Now what would you do?"
Step Three: The Child Makes the Judgement. Next we must ask the child, "Is what you are doing good for you?" This is a difficult step. The judgement must be the child's, not ours. Parents, clergy, school personnel & court staff may all be right in their assessments, but they are not the ones who need to change; at least, they are not the "identified client".
We cannot push or pull a child further than he is able or willing to go. If we make a judgement & put the child on the defensive, we have gained nothing--even if we speak with the tongues of men & of Angels.
A child who only "behaves" because of a threat of harsh punishment has not learned the value of good behaviour. Instead, he usually develops hostility toward the threatening person.
As our relationship develops, we can express our opinions. If we do not have a relationship; the youth won't care about our opinions. Our own testimonial should be open, honest, personal, & brief. Then we must do all of step one that is possible.
Finally after much relationship building, the child might feel free to say something about his life which indicates that he realises all is not well. This is the moment we have been praying for. We agree with him & begin to discuss the present situation. We must not let heavy anger or deep depression take over. Instead we push toward step four: The plan.
Step Four: Help Make a Plan. At this point the counselor can begin to be more aggressive. He will ask, "What can we do together to make this situation better?" The plan should be designed by the youth, in consultation with the counselor. The youth himself will have learned through his struggles some way he can deal with his situation.
Whatever plan is used must be consistent with what is worrying the youth at the moment. The plan also must be realistic to the situation; it must fit the present need & must be simple in structure, usually consisting of only a few sentences. The plan must require little time, initially lasting no more than a two-day period.
Later plans can be longer. It is important not to complicate the plan by adding insignificant details, such as length of hair or condition of a bedroom. Contracts are written according to priorities, with one theme per contract.
Perhaps more important, the plan must be accomplished easily enough that the youth has a very good chance of succeeding. The plan must be realistic for the particular youth; he must feel he can do it.
World's Worst Housekeeper: Brenda was a nineteen-year-old bride; in her estimation, she was the World's worst housekeeper. It took her a long time to find things. She never answered the phone because she did not want to have to look for it. She said it took her all week to get ready for her counseling appointments.
Brenda seemed to have the necessary desire to change, however. When I asked her if there was anything she could do to get the house clean, she said, "I've got it in me. I can go home right now & clean the whole house." She had probably said that many times before. I asked her if she could spend five minutes a day in each room. Eventually, she succeeded.
She needed a plan in which she would be successful. She regulated her cleaning by a clock. After each task, she would repeat, "I did it. I spent five minutes on this room, & look how much better it looks." Soon Brenda felt better about her house & herself. Behold, the new woman had come!
Step Five: Get a Commitment. In this step, results can usually be seen. Tension is often stilled; souls are restored. The commitment usually takes the form of a written contract, & accurate wording is essential. The contract serves to finalise the plan. The contract should do two things: reduce the tension, & meet the "here & now" priorities.
Usually the contract will have no more than three goals. Whenever possible it should be signed.
A child's signature means something; sometimes his name is all that belongs to him. When a child signs a contract he usually feels he must go through with it. I sign the contract too, & I ask the parents to sign. Then I ask the child to put his copy of the contract on his door, the bathroom mirror, the refrigerator door, or anywhere he will see it. It is better that the youth be reminded of the contract because of its visibility than because his parents remind him of it. The desire to rebel against parents can work against successful completion of a contract.
If the original contract does not work, we write another--an easier contract--reemphasizing the goal of the contract, the role of the child, & the role of the parent.
In a social contract, goals must always be artfully defined. Notice the bonus clause. Whenever possible, contracts should be written in positive language. We try to make them short, realistic, attainable & success-oriented. I cannot overemphasise the need for some immediate gratification & success; the child needs to experience the feeling of achievement, however meager. The contracts should be reviewed at least weekly, & should be discussed by all concerned, openly & honestly.
Keep on Keeping On
Step Six: Help Make a New Plan. A well-devised plan should work--most of the time. However, sometimes it doesn't, for a variety of reasons.
When a plan fails, frustration & disappointment often overtake the parents & counselors. Then special strength is needed to go back & intensify step one, "Make Friends". We must keep on keeping on. If we give up, the child most assuredly will, too, & possibly become worse than before.
Marty's flicks: Some kids are surprised when we make a new plan instead of accepting excuses for why the old one failed. Marty, a twelve-year-old boy, had missed over half of the first school semester. After working with him through steps one to four, the child said, "I will go to school for the rest of my life." That seemed to be a little long, so I asked him if part of his life was the next day. He signed a new contract saying that he could make it through the next day, & he would call me that next evening at 7:00 pm.
At 9:00 p.m. he called & said he had done fine--until the fifth period. Four kids were looking out of the window at the pretty day; &, of course, the teacher was boring, she hated him anyway, & someone suggested "flicking"--leaving school without permission. I didn't even comment on his well-rehearsed monologue of excuses. Almost interrupting him, I asked, "Do you think you can make it through school half a day tomorrow?" Marty called at noon, excited, successful, & ready to make it through the rest of the day.
As a child learns to have faith in himself, he becomes more responsible & achieves greater self-control. Self-control is one of the hardest things for children to learn. One is never an adult until he has learned self-control. Maturity is measured by the amount of self-control a person possesses. The greater the feeling of worth, the greater the self-control.
Step Seven: Discipline. Discipline is the seventh step, & it is effective only after the previous six have been followed. Discipline must be established in the context of a relationship (step one). As counselors, we spend 75 percent or more of our time establishing the relationship so that we have the opportunity to spend 25 percent of the time on discipline.
Discipline is supposed to give hope; punishment, on the other hand, is intended to force fear. Punishment makes the one doing the punishment feel better; it is intended to hurt the one being punished. Discipline has the intent of a better future; punishment ends with itself.
A Walk in the Woods: The mother was hysterical when she called the hospital. Her son, age fifteen & an only child, had attempted suicide. She was so frightened, she talked too fast. Then she stopped suddenly, & slowly & determinedly said, "Now I want to know how to punish Tom."
I asked her to please wait. She had asked the wrong question. I told her there was a better way. I asked her when was the last time she had seen Tom smile.
It took a while, & then she told of a couple of times when he had smiled after returning from a walk in the woods. Of course, she didn't know what he was doing in the woods.
I took a chance. I asked her to invite her son, if he was able; to walk in the woods with her the next day. Then they were to see me the following day, after the walk.
She was not content with this plan. She felt he needed to be punished. I thought he needed to live.
The boy just stared at his mother when she suggested the walk. Finally he agreed. They walked down one rather familiar path without saying much. Then they stopped under a tree that had snow on its branches. Spontaneously the mother reached up & shook the branch, playfully causing snow to fall on the boy's head.
The boy looked amazed, then smiled. He laughed as he hit her with a snowball. She had almost forgotten how to make one. Her snowball was not the only thing that had missed him by a mile. Until then, so had her methods of parenting.
During the counseling session, I asked Tom what he had to live for. Without hesitation--he smiled slightly, then said, "My mother--she pulled snow down on my head."
The mother learned to discipline. Tom learned to submit. They had fun & laughed together. A relationship was established. They both gained confidence in themselves & in each other.
We have used the following "Guidelines for Discipline" as a training vehicle at the juvenile court for some time:
Guidelines for setting limits are as follows:
1. Tell the child clearly what the limitations are. Before you can expect children to do as they are told, you must be sure they understand right from wrong. You cannot assume they know this distinction unless you tell them, for it involves a learning process. Learning the difference between right & wrong is a slow process. Children have to be told, sometimes shown how & then told all over again, especially in a new situation. The key word is patience.
2. Always go to the child & speak directly to him. Never call to him across the room or down the hall. Speak in a quiet, pleasant tone of voice; bend down or kneel so that your face is on a level with his. This way you are sure to have the child's attention while you speak to him.
3. Speak in short, meaningful sentences which the child can understand. Avoid unnecessary explanation.
4. Do not offer a child a choice when you cannot grant a choice. Do not ask, "Would you like to put on your sweater?" If he must do it, say, "It is cold. Please put on your sweater." If you use positive statements, you will not unwittingly offer a child a choice when there is no choice.
5. Suggest or tell in a positive way. "Bounce the ball on the floor." A positive emphasis lets the child know what to do. "Don't hit the window" is a negative approach. It only tells him what not to do. Using positive statements stirs up less resistance in little children. Save the words "don't" & "stop" for those emergencies when it is necessary to put a quick stop to what the child is doing.
Any discipline employed should be on the same level as the bad behaviour which necessitates it. Spanking should be the last resort.
Isolation can be an effective means of discipline.
Laura's screams: When my daughter, Laura, was two years old, she would become upset & scream & cry. Fortunately this did not happen often; but when it did, her mother & I would become very disturbed. One evening she was even more upset than usual. Ann & I were having difficulty coping with the tantrum. Out of frustration & anger, I took Laura to her room, yelled at her, & spanked her.
She merely screamed louder. Her lower lip was quivering; she was hurting. I was hurting.
Cautiously, slowly, I sat on the floor beside her & patted her stiff arm. As she looked at me through her tears, I moved closer & hugged her. "I love you", I whispered. "You may come out of your room when you stop crying. Daddy will be outside the door."
As I moved to the door, she ran by me, still screaming. I carried her back into her room, looked into her eyes, & whispered firmly, "I love you. When you stop crying, you may come out of your room."
I closed the door. She immediately opened it. I was waiting & whispered my instructions again as I closed the door. After a while she stopped crying. When she came out of her room, we greeted her with much love & praise.
We followed this plan several times until Laura learned to be responsible enough to stop the screaming.
It seems to me that children often have a natural desire to please their parents. Certainly problems occur when this desire is frustrated; bad behaviour results. But how we choose to discipline really matters.
Fear does not last. Love does. Salvation is not based upon the wrath of God, but rather the Love of God.
Step Eight: Never Give Up. We must never give up on our child. We must always pray & "keep on keeping on". The alternative to maintaining our hope is falling into despair.
Sometimes it takes years to change a child's behaviour pattern. If a child is seventeen years of age, he may have spent years learning his present behaviour pattern. He has had time to build up a strong wall of distrust of others. If we expect that the wall will be broken in a few months, we make a serious mistake.
We must not give up even if the child does not tell us his problems. We need to wait until the child himself is ready to trust us. We don't say, "Let's talk about your problems"; instead we say, "Let's go out & get a hamburger", or "Let's go do something together".
"Never give up" really means waiting for the child. We must not be the type of person whose message is that we are too busy, or that we are not really listening. We must have patience, love & willingness to stick it out, no matter how long it takes. We must be willing to communicate & to care, even when the child himself has given up. By our concern, if by no other factor, we will eventually get his attention.
First Words: A mother called & wanted me to do something--anything--with her son. She had tried "everything" & the eight-year-old still would not do what she wanted. She said she had given up, & she was also ready to give up on his little sister.
The mother brought the eight-year-old into the office. He had not been going to school & had many other problems. The mother also brought the little sister, two-&-a-half years old. She sat the little girl down on a chair & pushed her back so her legs were straight out. The mother said, "Sit there, & don't you move!"
In seeming anguish the mother started telling me how terrible her little boy was. I noticed that after about fifteen minutes the little girl slowly moved up from the back of the chair & dropped her legs down. The mother screamed, "I told you not to move! I am going to put that trash can on your head!"
I had my own idea about another placement of the trash can.
I quickly moved over to the little girl, who had not looked up until I spoke to her. Then I could see hurt that I seldom see even in the eyes of a sixteen-year-old.
I keep snacks in my desk drawer. I took one & knelt in front of the little girl, trying to attain some direct eye contact.
I asked her if she wanted a snack. She looked at her mother for permission. I gave her the candy & said, "Thank you", a couple of times. Then her mother asked if I was expecting the child to say, "Thank you." I said, "Sure." The mother emphatically replied, "Well, she has never spoken a word in her life. I gave up long ago trying to get her to talk."
At that point I softly said to the little boy, "Have you ever said anything good to your mother?" Going on, I asked, "Have you even thanked your mother for the food she cooks? Do you think it would be possible this week to say something good about your mother's cooking?" He agreed. I told him that the more good things he said to his mother, the better off she would be. Of course, I was really talking indirectly to the mother, but could not give this advice to her. She was too defensive.
The next week the little boy was so excited as he related how he had told his mother the night before that she cooked "good". He added, with a gleam in his eye & his tongue halfway out, "And it was liver. Yuk!" Then he almost yelled, "And do you know what? Last night she put me in bed & she kissed me!"
As he was talking, I noticed that the little girl was walking around her brother. She put her hand on my desk drawer. I asked her if she wanted candy. I know about sugar, nutrition, & hyperactive kids, but there was another priority here. I invited the mother & the boy to leave the office. I sat the darling child on my lap & let her draw all over my blotter while eating her candy. As she drew, I kept praising her. The mother came back in & accused me of ruining the little girl's dinner. Better to ruin her dinner than her life.
They left, but in a moment the little girl stepped back to the door. She raised her hand & waved. I bent down in front of her. Suddenly she whispered, "Thank you." Her first words!
Qualities of Caring Parents
Laura's bike: When our daughter Laura was six, she informed me that it was time to take the training wheels off her bicycle. I knew she could not ride without the training wheels, but she was eager to try. I held onto the handle bars & the back of the seat as she went wobbling down the driveway.
Finally, as she gained speed, I could hold on no longer. It was so difficult to let go. I knew she would crash, but I let go & prayed, "God, let it not hurt too much."
When she crashed, I quickly picked up my little girl & put her back on the bike, brushing away her tears. "We'll make it together," I told her.
As we started up the driveway, Laura said, "Daddy, you're holding on too tight."
"Laura, I want to catch you when you fall."
"Daddy, catch me when I fall, but please stop catching me before I fall!"
It is difficult to be a good parent. A parent must decide several times a day when to hold on & when to let go even a little.
We want to hold our children close, guide them & pray that they will become responsible adults themselves. If we hold on too tightly they might become dependent upon us for the rest of their lives. If we let go gradually, they have a better chance of becoming responsible adults. Even though we must give up our children physically, there should never be a time when we give them up spiritually.
Children must be loved & accepted for who they are now--not because of what they have or have not done in the past, or what they will or will not do in the future. We accept our children because they are our children. Sometimes this is difficult because of their unruly behaviour. The behaviour is not acceptable--but they are. Nonacceptance can lead to worse behaviour in both parents & children. But with acceptance, children's self-image improves, they increase in strength & are enabled to improve their behaviour.
Good behaviour should be maximised; bad behaviour should be minimised. Bad behaviour must not be ignored, but neither should it be stressed. As parents, we want our children to be aware of our negative reactions, but we do not want them or ourselves to be overcome by negatives. We must emphasise positive reactions.
Love. Fetch-It-Freddy: One TV program began by showing in the background a man reading behind his newspaper. Only his legs were visible. The camera quickly focused upon two darling children who were playing with a small plastic dog. The commercial announced something to the effect that Fetch-It-Freddy would catch any ball rolled to it, as we saw.
Children rolled the ball, & Fetch-It-Freddy would catch it. Then a large ball rolled across the floor & hit Fetch-It-Freddy. The little girls looked around, & with delight upon their faces, exclaimed, "Wow, Daddy!"
Daddy got down on the floor & put his arms around the children & hugged them. The theme seemed to be, "You too can have fun together with Fetch-It-Freddy."
As a Santa Claus helper, I went to different stores that Christmas & discovered that Fetch-It-Freddy was one of the hottest items of the year. Many children apparently thought that if they had a Fetch-It-Freddy, their daddies might become more than newspapers with legs, & would get down on the floor & play with them.
Most youth detained in the juvenile court of our county describe parents who never got down on the floor & played with them. The same youth also responded that they did not feel their parents loved them at all. Love is getting down, hugging & playing with our children.
Faith. Faith is the second attribute for parents to exemplify in the rearing of responsible children. A child must have faith in himself & in God in order to feel & to be successfully motivated. "The family that prays together stays together" most generally rings true.
Faith comes by hearing the Word of God. Children need to be aware that when they lack wisdom they can ask of God. A child, just like an adult, is saved from his sins by following the plan of salvation.
As parents we must decide we are going to serve the Lord in rearing our children. Our Christianity does not automatically make us good parents, but it is a vital step. It takes more of God's strength to praise our children than to scream at them. In order for a child to have faith in himself, we must praise him. Often parents tell me they can find nothing in their child to praise, for they--the parents--are too angry.
The kids with the shoes: Appropriate discipline follows praise.
A seventeen-year-old boy walked slowly into my office with his arms folded. Slouching down in the chair seemingly added to his defense. Even though his lips were tightly pressed, I could hear him grinding his teeth. He knew I had a police report concerning his shoplifting charge of the previous weekend, & he was well aware that I had talked with his school counselor concerning his constant fighting. Further, the grinding grew louder as he thought of what his father might have disclosed in a telephone call.
The child was ready for me. He had the "look" that nothing was going to touch him. I smiled. I usually smile at a youth who comes into my office, particularly if one is ready to fight. The smile caught him off guard. I knew in order to get through to the child at all, I had to find something, anything, to praise him for. I ended the silence with, "I see you tied your left shoe."
It seemed like such an inappropriate remark. He looked surprised, then agreed. "Yeah, yeah, yeah." He was not ready for praise, & it must have been the first time in a long time since anyone had praised him for anything. In fact, he later remarked about this. I knew that if I did not establish a positive relationship with him, talking about the negative reports would not make any difference anyway.
The boy had to have faith in himself. He had to have faith that he had done something right--anything. He smiled back, hesitantly at first, then boldly, "Look, I tied both of them," he called to my attention. "I have a pair of black loafers," he volunteered. "I don't tie them."
The smiles progressed to chuckles--almost laughter--as he back-stepped verbally through many shoes, even to the bronzed ones on his mother's mantel. After about ten minutes the rapport was a "shoe-in", & we could talk. Slowly, he said, "This has been a rough week." He told me about his behaviour. I agreed. We were able to discuss it & to take appropriate disciplinary action.
In order to instill within our children faith in themselves, we must first praise them. If we want children to do right, we must tell them over & over again of the right they already do, & then they will do more & more right. But if we remind them over & over of the wrong they do, they will do more & more wrong. What a difference!
Children gain faith in themselves after feeling the sense of success. Success grows through learning responsibility. Responsibility is not something that appears overnight; it is gradually learned. It is not a gift that can be bestowed; it is earned.
Parents sometimes take too much responsibility for their children. Then, curiously enough, when the child fails, the parent becomes the "bad guy". When a sixteen-year-old tells his father he wants a car, the typical response of most parents is, "You've got to be nuts." Instead, we should smile & say, "Sure, son," as we pat him on the back, "you may have a car." The boy might casually ask as the family is eating dinner, "Will you pass the potatoes, & when do I get my car?" Then you should smile, silently pray, & say, "Here are the potatoes, & I don't know. When are you going to get your car? When are you going to earn the money for the expense of buying & operating your car?" Then the responsibility is upon the child to work for the car. And once the child has earned it, he will appreciate it.
As our children gain strength from faith in their capabilities, they prepare themselves to accept responsibility. The cyclic process works as follows: Children's successful completion of tasks through responsible behaviour leads to increased faith in themselves, which leads to increased success.
Fun. Picnic wishing: Fun is the third guideline for rearing responsible children. Loving parents are warm, not cold as stone.
A local priest & I were sometimes called the "detention home tormentors". I think one of our main missions has been to tease the detained children, to have fun with them. We learned never to ridicule or put them down, of course. At first, they were amazed. We would get a special enjoyment after "teasing" a hostile child for a couple of days, then watching the corners of his mouth slowly turn up as we would see his first smile. After the smile, he usually was ready to talk.
I stress again that we must learn to have fun with our children.
The majority of the children referred to the juvenile court do not know how to have fun. Few of these delinquent youth were reared with an emphasis upon family fun & involvement. They need to learn to have fun.
The most frequent question I ask any client is, "What do you do for fun?" Most of the troubled youth respond, with depressed expressions, "Nothing." Fun can make a significant difference in the quality of living. Children do not know why they do the things they do--they react spontaneously. Much of the time they commit delinquent acts because they think it might be fun.
Having fun does not come naturally. The art is learned, & most troubled youth have not had a parent, teacher or minister to teach them.
I do not believe the myth that most children get high because they are escaping something. I think most children are not escaping from something that is there; rather they are reaching for something that is not there.
PTA mother: A mother raised her hand during a Parent Teacher Association meeting. She was disturbed because she could not make her child get out of bed in the morning, make his bed, eat his breakfast, or get to school on time. By the time she finished describing his behaviour, she was in tears.
I asked how old he was.
"Seven", was her answer.
I asked if she could make him smile. I explained, "I guarantee you that if you do not make the child smile, it will be tough to make him do anything else."
If we do not teach our children love & faith, have fun with them, & give them something to smile about, chances increase that we will someday find them at juvenile court.
Hope. Hope, the fourth guideline in the rearing of responsible children, is perhaps the most difficult. To be fulfilled, a child must feel that he is going to have a good life, that life is going to be worth living. If he feels that nothing is going to work out for him, he will have a miserable existence.
Children feel better about themselves knowing that God is with them--not to judge, but to love. Once our daughter Trina listened silently as Mr. George Beverly Shea beautifully sang on a record, "God will take care of you." A few minutes later the three-year-old asked who God was. Joyfully I explained that he was Jesus' Father & our Heavenly Father. Trina asked if God would take care of her. I assured her He would. "Good," she exclaimed. "Then I don't have to go to day-care tomorrow."
How to Avoid Emotional Traps
The Failure Child. It takes a long, gradual process of failure for a child to become failure-oriented; it takes an even longer time for a failure-oriented child to become success-oriented. God has created each child with great potential. Some children must work harder than others, but each child has the potential for some competence.
When a child feels he is a failure, we must work with him on very short-range goals. At the beginning of our counseling, these goals are usually easily achievable in a day so that the child can feel successful in accomplishing even the smallest tasks. This principle also works in the home. As the child experiences some success, he begins to realise his potential.
The Depressed Child. Depression is a symptom of the inner heart. A child may find it easier to be depressed than to feel the pain of the lack of love, faith, fun & hope in his life. However, a child does not feel comfortable in sitting, withdrawing, & staring. Thus a depressed child sometimes seems more active than an equally depressed adult. Encourage him to get involved with others & forget his problems, & they will shrink tremendously.
The Hostile Child. We are living in an age when many people are hostile. People are angry at their neighbours; kids are angry at their parents; parents are angry at their kids; kids can't get along with teachers; & teachers are frustrated at kids. There is hostility everywhere. I am sure it is easier to feel hostile than to feel the pain of lack of love, faith, fun & hope. I'm sure many children are hostile simply because they do not know how to channel their energy into fun activities.
It is not a deliberate choice. Every child has energy, & he must do something with it. Unfortunately, too often it is easier to label a child as simply being hopelessly hostile than to go through the difficult healing process with him.
The Suicidal Child. Knit for Life: Dealing with a suicidal teen is always a stressful here-&-now situation. I had been counseling for the Protestant Youth Counseling Service only a few months when a young woman client came to say, "Goodbye, & thanks for the four sessions." She was carrying an empty bottle as proof she would be dead in a few minutes.
I urged her to voluntarily have her stomach pumped. She said she would run if I called an ambulance. She only wanted to talk.
I quickly began telling her of the unsearchable riches of Christ, & that God loved her. But she would not listen to either a religious or a psychological approach.
Since she was an obese girl & I knew she enjoyed humour, I said, "I feel sorry for your pallbearers. They will all get hernias."
I got her attention!
"Besides", I continued, "all your chins are going to look funny while you lie in the casket." I suggested she reduce before suicide.
She began to think.
I asked her about her family.
"I hate'm all," she snapped.
I told her I did not think it was fair not to express this to them.
I asked her about her little boy.
She said she loved him very much.
I did not think it was fair for her to leave him, but she was sure that he would be better off without her. I advised that she knit him a beautiful afghan to express her love.
It worked! She went to the hospital & had her stomach pumped.
There we made a simple plan. She was to complete the following: (1) Lose two pounds; (2) tell her mother that she hated her; (3) recite her husband's faults to him; (4) knit the afghan for her son; (5) read the Gospel of John.
I told her that I would pray that something would happen to change her life.
Releasing her bottled-up feelings to her husband brought so much satisfaction that she started to go see her mother to do the same.
Eventually she completed the first plan & several others as well, & suicidal symptoms receded after her success.
The Grieving Child. Bubble-gum boy: Many children react aggressively to grief. As the fourteen-year-old boy was aggressively escorted into my office by his grandfather, he gave me "the look" to let me know his disgust with the court & me. His grandfather whispered for him to dispose of his gum. The child sat with his arms tightly folded & his head down.
I smiled, told my name, & asked his. No answer.
As he frowned even more, he chewed his gum.
I asked if he enjoyed his gum.
No answer.
I asked if he could blow a bubble.
He saw his chance. He looked directly into my eyes, vigorously worked his gum, & stuck out his tongue through the gum.
I smiled.
He worked the gum again & slowly formed a small bubble.
I praised him.
He said he could do better, worked the gum faster, & blew a bigger bubble.
I praised him again.
He said he could do even better, & he did. The fourth bubble was as big as his face. It popped into his hair & over his right eye. I broke up.
He looked at me through the gum, & slowly, he too laughed.
Through his tears the grandfather shared that the child had not smiled since the death of his grandmother six months earlier. It took several sessions before the boy's heart was no longer as troubled.
Problem Children
The "problem child" is most generally characterised as such because of "bad" behaviour. Just as emotional symptoms are often indicative of feelings of lack of love, faith, fun & hope, so are behavioural problems. A child's "bad" behaviour is usually a symptom of his pain. It is easier to be "bad" than to feel pain.
The reader is advised to be aware of the circumstances which led to the problem behaviour as a way of attempting to avoid such circumstances. It is easier to prevent problem behaviour than to find ways to change it.
The Unruly Child. Eraser-throwing kid: Many youth with school problems have home problems as well.
A little five-year-old boy was referred to me because he had the habit of hitting his kindergarten teacher in the back of the head with pencil erasers. I do not know where he got all the erasers.
Traditional counseling had proved unsuccessful.
I have toys in my counseling office, & we played on the floor with little cars. We had a great deal of fun; he was a nice little kid. But when his mother heard what we were doing, she said, "I pay him to do that?"
The mother & teacher kept asking the child why he threw the erasers. I knew that asking "why" was not helpful. When interrogated, the child became defensive & immediately distant. Usually he responded, "I don't know," because, of course, he did not know.
Most youth do not know why they do what they do; they just do it, spontaneously.
I asked him a behavioural question instead: "What happens when you throw the erasers?"
With a big smile he said, "The teacher calls me by name."
I asked if she always did that.
"No, sometimes her face gets red & she mumbles something."
I believed him. He loved to hear his name. It was all he had that was only his.
When we praise our children, we should use their names. When we scold, it is better not to use their names.
I made a contract with this child & his teacher. The child was to spend five minutes two mornings a week dusting blackboard erasers. I thought that was appropriate. During the time before class, the teacher was to talk to him about how important his task was, & to call him by name.
Soon he was not throwing erasers anymore. I also noticed during a session of playing cars that the child was upset because he had heard his parents screaming at each other in the waiting room.
Eventually they came to me for marriage counseling. The child & the parents began having family devotions. The parents started getting along better. And guess who stopped throwing erasers?
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"I don't want to hear another word!"
I hear my daughter scold,
"Dear me," I think, "She's awfully strict
For a playful three-year-old!"
She rolls her big eyes heavenward
And sighs with great disdain.
"What am I going to do with you?!"
Her dolls hear her complain.
"Sit down! Be still! Hold out your hands!
Do you have to walk so slow?
Pick up your toys! Go brush your teeth!
Eat all your carrots! Blow!"
I start to tell her how gentle
A mother ought to be
When blushingly, I realise
She's imitating ME!
--Barbara Burrow
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The Prodigal Son. It would be impossible to estimate the number of runaways in this country each year.
Why do some kids have so much pain that they run from their parents to almost anything or anyone else? Jesus described a runaway boy in the parable of the prodigal son.
The prodigal son's father could have said, "Listen, kid, as long as you live in my house, you are going to do as I say." Or he could have told him not to talk back & to cut out any sinful living. Such demands, of course, would not make sense without a relationship.
Some people wonder why the father let the boy go. These people must have never experienced the pain of such a child.
The prodigal son's father let him go in the first place. Not only did the kid run, he ran with his father's blessings & his father's money. As a matter of fact, we could even interpret this that the father not only let him got, but paid him to go.
The father had done perhaps everything he could to be good to the son, until he reached his limit, & with frustration said, "OK, then, go."
There are some children who must learn from their own bad experiences, & find that the grass is not greener over on the other side. Many children must learn that not everyone will accept them, or take them into their homes & feed them for years as their parents do.
The most significant fact in the story of the prodigal son is that eventually the child felt the pain of what he was doing to himself. He broke under the struggles of life, & finally, when he got to the very bottom of his existence, the Bible says he "came to himself."
Sometimes the only thing we can do for our child is to be with him until he reaches that point. How painful & frustrating. Probably the hardest thing we may ever have to do is wait until our child, whom we love very much, comes to himself.
The prodigal son decided that he had sinned. He finally decided he wanted to ask his father for forgiveness.
The father was not a distant one, but a father who was still waiting, still accepting--& who must have looked down the road thousands of times, until he saw someone approaching who might be his son.
We can only imagine the joy when the father recognised the distant figure to be his son. He did not wait for the son to come back & apologise. Pride was not the issue with the father.
Pride gets in the way of too many parents who want their child to repent for hurting them, & to give in first.
The father of the prodigal made the first move in running out to his son. When he saw him, he had compassion.
The father said nothing. He just ran out, embraced his son & kissed him. The son was the first to speak, asking for forgiveness. The father did not respond by telling him how much trouble he had caused, or taking an opportunity to preach his favourite sermon. No, instead the father decided to throw a party.
Some might say the father was rewarding the "little brat". Parents so often want their runaway child locked up. But many runaways who are locked up only run farther the next time.
The father gave his son a robe, a ring, & shoes. All he asked was that his son be his son.
There is a happy ending to this story: "And they all began to be merry." It is a result everyone wants.
In the meantime, waiting is tough. Watching a child go through pain until he comes to himself & his God takes real strength. But there is hope in the parable of the prodigal son.
Responsibility. It is difficult at times to give responsibility to our children. I believe that by the time a child is thirteen he has had enough gradual training that he should bear the total responsibility for his own room. My practical theology is: It takes strength to say, "OK, it's your room," close the door, walk down the hall, & pray as you go. It is important to give the child the opportunity to find his own level of responsibility. How can we expect a child of eighteen to take full responsibility for his own life, if at age fifteen he cannot even begin to care for his own property?
If you are firm with a thirteen-year-old & do not waver, that child will learn from his success or failure. If he fails to clean his room, he won't be able to ignore the result, especially when he finds creatures in his closet! The same is true of clothing. If the child does not put his dirty clothing in the designated place at the proper time, they will not be washed. After a while he will notice, & other kids will notice, too. Naturally the mother will become embarrassed. But better the child be dirty at thirteen than delinquent at sixteen.
Alternative Behaviour. Sometimes it is as if we as a society must make a choice. Either our kids are going to be pacified by drugs or they are going to be violent by drink. As referrals for violent crime increase, drug referrals decrease. As violent crime referrals decrease, drug referrals increase. But by God's grace, there is an alternative. We should never take anything away from a child without helping him to put something better in its place. We cannot just naively say, "Don't drink, don't smoke pot, don't have sex, don't be delinquent, don't be unruly." We must help the child find alternative behaviours that are positive & fulfilling.
Alternative behaviour must include the power of Jesus Christ & the power of the family. Salvation is the experience whereby the guilt & sins are taken away, but the person is not left empty; he is filled with the presence of the Holy Spirit. We must help our children to replace drugs, alcohol, & other vices with the fulfillment of a genuine religious experience.
Belief in Jesus Christ is an alternative behaviour. The child who is saved replaces a bad life style with a good one. Jesus Christ brings the peace & fulfillment youth want & need.
Baby Steps: When our baby, Trina, first started to cry, Ann or I would pick her up, comfort her, & heal all problems. She sensed the love & security & stopped crying. We handled a problem if there was one. It is true, too, that a kiss "makes it better". We gave her a favourite toy. At least the activity diverted her attention.
When Trina started to touch the oven, we shouted, "No!" We also handed her some pots & pans. As our children grow, we still need to divert their attention into more positive alternative behaviour.
Trina stood one day, tottering back & forth. I sat, arms outstretched, only a few inches from her, proclaiming with all confidence, "Come to Daddy, you can do it." She walked a step. I picked her up & squeezed her with love. I moved back a few inches. After much serious deliberation & dialogue, she took two steps. Again the squeals & squeezes. I moved back four feet. She watched me carefully, & then sank to the floor & buried her head in her hands. Too far, too much, too fast. The alternative behaviour must be reachable or total frustration will set in. Later that same evening, Laura, age ten, discussed tryouts for a school musical. She needed the "Come on, you can do it," even more than the baby. I wonder if, when she first backs the car out of the garage, I am going to be at the end of the driveway saying, "Come on, you can make it."
This is the encouragement our children need--all of their lives.
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My hand is large & his is small
And there is nothing on Earth at all
More important than the task
That lies ahead of me. I ask
For wisdom, Lord, that I may lead
This child aright; his every need
Depends on me. Be Thou my guide
That I, in walking by his side,
May choose the right paths for his feet.
The days are swift, the years are fleet,
Make me alert in deed & word
As we go forward, blessed Lord,
His precious clinging hand in mine,
With always, Lord, my hand in Thine.
--Grace Noll Crowell
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