LEARNING FROM CHILDREN--By Paul Welter
The Renewing Process
It was a warm summer day, & I was sitting on the steps of the front porch, tired after returning from a long trip. David, my grandson, who was two years old at the time, was playing in the front yard. My wife, Lillian, set up the hose & sprinkler to water the lawn. David ran through a bit of the area where the water was spraying & called excitedly, "Grandpa, take off your shoes!"
I said, "No thanks, David, I'll just sit & watch." A bit later, Lillian began to run with him through the water. David called again to me. Finally, I took off my shoes & socks, rolled up my trouser legs, & slowly trudged out. David took my hands, & the three of us went running through the water. I felt the joy coming. We started to leap & yell as we ran. I began to feel younger. Two neighbor children were watching us, looking for an invitation. I signaled to them to come on over, & then there were five of us leaping & playing--a regular chorus line!
A child had taught me to leap again, & I felt the pure joy that accompanied the leaping. I began to feel sad for the physically impaired children of the World who can't leap. Then I felt sad for all those adults of the World (including me) who could leap, but don't!
Children--Our Spiritual Teachers
Children have a great deal to teach us by their questions, their answers, & their lives. How may we utilise them as resource people in our spiritual growth? That is the question we will seek to answer.
The first step toward viewing children as master teachers is to get down to their eye level, or even a bit further down so that you can look up to them. The next step is to do something with them.
At the end of a long day of reading aloud, Lillian said hoarsely, "My voice is so tired I don't think I can read anymore." David, now nearly three, & still awake at 11:00 PM shared the tired feeling. He replied, "My voice is so tired, that all I can say is, `I love you!'"
Jesus did not merely mention a child to the Disciples, He brought one into their circle. This indicates that the presence of children is important if we are to learn from them.
Stories--A Way to Learn Without Trying
We will relate many stories about what adults have learned from children. Storytelling is a valid teaching-learning method. With a story we may be surprised into learning.
How Adults Learn from Children. As you read the stories that follow, you will note some clues that indicate how the adult learned.
1. The child creates a peak emotional moment which expands the vision of the adult, making it possible to view the World in a deeper, wider, richer way.
2. The adult is shocked or surprised by the child into considering a new truth.
3. The child serves as a sample for adults to follow in some specific area, such as honesty, spontaneity, or the expression of love.
4. The child entices an adult into playing, & the adult finds joy & begins to learn a new way of life.
5. An adult feels loved by a child & gains the insight that he or she is cared for & is worthwhile.
The stories highlight the positive characteristics of children. I am well aware that children have negative characteristics; but there are enough books which treat children as problems without adding another one to that growing list. Also, Jesus was obviously talking about positive characteristics when He said we were to become as little children.
Born Free. Young children model those traits which Jesus said are necessary to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. They are born free of those cultural restrictions & personal biases which are pressed upon us quite early in life. In the World we are taught, for example, to compare ourselves with others, to be less than honest, & to be negative. In fact, we soon become "adult-er-ated". When do children begin to lose their childlikeness? I think some begin to lose it in their second year of life. Others keep many of their childlike qualities on into older childhood & adolescence. And some never let these traits go. I know three persons in their nineties who are childlike--spontaneous, laughing, friendly, optimistic, loving, courageous & creative! The potential for living out that kind of story is there for each of us.
The Children Around Us Who Teach Us Faith
Free Not to Have to Measure Up. As a child growing up on a Kansas farm I liked it when my father periodically measured my height. He would place a yardstick horizontally on top of my head & mark the place on an old cupboard. Then he used the yardstick to measure the distance from the floor to the mark. I remember I would always stand as tall as I could--stretching my backbone! I wanted to catch up with my older brother. But that stretching made it harder just to be me, because the next time I was measured I would have to stretch again--more if I could--to show growth from the last time. I never relaxed while being measured.
Actually, it was kind of fun to be measured once in a while. But I recently thought about how tense it would make me to stand in that position for hours, days, years or a lifetime. And then I realised that is exactly what I had been doing for many of my fifty-four years!
Little children live in this kind of freedom of not having to measure up. Something inside us wants to get that freedom back. It is this loss that led the psychologist Max Wertheimer to define an adult as "a deteriorated child".
Although children are free & spontaneous, these qualities do not necessarily last. When they get a bit older, they begin to compare themselves, as I did, to an older brother or sister, or a friend.
What is involved in the process of becoming like a little child?:
1. Relying on the power of the Holy Spirit.
2. Resisting the temptation to compare ourselves with others.
3. Opening ourselves up to the people around us, even though the new vulnerability is frightening. Children are extremely vulnerable.
4. Being with little children & learning from their presence. Jesus modeled this by affirming the presence of children.
The above suggestions are only incomplete guidelines. Each story you read will serve as a turn of the kaleidoscope to give you a fresh view of some of the infinite variety of patterns of humility & other qualities that may be seen in a child's life.
A college student spoke of her little sister:
My sister is seven years old. Recently, she asked me to walk around the block with her to sell Girl Scout cookies to the neighbours. It amazed me that she knew every family on the block, & I didn't even know our next door neighbours. Children have no inhibitions about walking up & talking to people, whereas adults are always afraid of what people will think, & so they go through life never knowing the people down the block. If they do, it's often because their kids play together. If only adults could be as open & friendly as children!
A teacher trainee shares:
"At my first field experience--observing in a classroom--I saw a young boy who knew just what to say & what to do to make a person feel good. I was there only one hour when he came up to me & hugged me & told me, "I love you."
Children don't judge you. They just like you the way you are. It's adults that teach them how to be critical of people.
Regaining Trust
A child helped define trust for his father:
We had been looking for nearly an hour & we were frantic. Knowing one's four-year-old child is lost in the mountains is terribly frightening. It was only our second visit to the cabin since it had been completed so we weren't very familiar with the surroundings, & neither was our boy. Our dream of a getaway spot had turned into a nightmare. And then, as suddenly as he had disappeared, we found him. After the excitement had calmed down, I said to him, "I was scared to death; weren't you afraid?" He responded, "I wasn't very afraid because I knew you were looking for me."
Two adults gained faith in the Resurrection from children:
I thought I had faith, but my four-year-old niece increased mine. When her dad died suddenly, we were at the funeral home & her mom lifted her up to see the body. She stuck a stick of gum in her daddy's pocket & said, "I'll be seeing you."
This Fall the brother of one of my students was killed by a train. When she came to school the very next day, I wanted to pick her up & cry with her. But she said simply "Teacher, my brother was killed last night, but he's in Heaven with God & he's very happy," & then went to paint. Maybe she doesn't fully understand that her brother is gone forever, but her child's view of death & faith really made me think & review my feelings on death & faith.
Saying the Unsayable--Becoming Honest Again
From children I have learned that it is important to tell it like it is! I learned this by simply listening to them. As an example of a child telling it like it is, I am reminded of this incident. A little boy offered to do a small errand for his grandmother & told her: "I want to do it for you because you don't have many good years left!" He certainly told it as it appeared to him. (She was fifty-five at the time!)
A fourth-grade teacher writes: The first day of school last week I was explaining the discipline plan I use & going over my class rules with my students. Rule #6 is, "Keep your hands & feet to yourself." After I read this rule, one boy asked, "What does that mean?" Before I could answer, another boy spoke up, "It's just a polite way of saying, `Don't fight.'" I agreed & as I turned around I heard the first boy ask his neighbour, "Why didn't she just say that?" The second boy responded with the voice of experience, "I've learned from experience that grown-ups rarely say what they really mean!" I wanted to rush & scribble out rule #6 & write instead--"DON'T FIGHT".
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I learned from my son that I shouldn't use sarcasm with children. Two weeks ago on Saturday, he had to do his chores before going outside. He had spent much time watching cartoons & when his friends came over, he still had his work to do. He did a halfway job of cleaning the living room & continually got angry when I told him what else needed to be done. Finally I got fed up with him. Sarcastically I told him he really did a fine job in helping me clean. I was angry with him & told him he had to stay outside until I was finished painting the baby's room & cleaning the house.
Last Saturday my son did a great job of cleaning the living room. When he was upstairs changing his clothes, I told him what a good job he had done. He came to the top of the stairs & asked me if I was saying it out of "madness". I asked him what he meant. He wanted to know if I was saying it because I was mad or if I really meant it. That really opened my eyes to sarcasm.
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During my first year of teaching, I learned a lot. I learned in particular to respect pupils' work even if it was not correct. Their work is an extension of themselves & should be respected even if the teacher does not consider it of high quality. The following episode shows how I learned this the difficult way:
I had only two first-graders, as I taught in a rural school. Other pupils were in grades two, three & four. The first-graders had learned to print answers on the blackboard. One little girl had printed her answer on the board but it was wrong. I immediately erased it. Suddenly--POW--the little girl clenched her fist & socked me in the stomach. I had just destroyed something that she was proud of! She was humiliated! I learned after that to let students erase their own work & print the correct answer themselves!
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Father came home from work tired & wanted to do nothing but relax in his easy chair & read the paper. His five-year-old son asked him to play with him & the father replied, "No, I just want to read the paper now & do nothing else. I will play later."
Five minutes later his son presented him with a plain white tissue. The father asked, "What is this for?" The son replied "Let's pretend this is a newspaper." The father said, "OK, what does the newspaper say?" His son replied, "Sometimes I like you & sometimes I don't."
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One afternoon at home I found my schedule full of countless tedious tasks. The dishes, dusting, washing etc. stared me in the face. In my usual frenzy, I began tackling the tasks while my four-year-old daughter kept after me. "Mom, let's bake cookies." I'd reply, "Later, honey." "Later, sweetie," I'd say as I shoved the vacuum. Finally in exasperation she looked me in the eye & said with conviction, "Mommy, later is right now!" It hit me like a bombshell. I should not put off until tomorrow the joys I can have right now.
The Children Around Us Who Teach Us Hope
Recovering Optimism
Our youngest child is three & a half. Three days a week, she must get up at 7:00 A.M., dress, eat breakfast, find her coat, mittens, & hat, gather a doll or "take along"--amid four other people in the household doing their own thing. As we walked out the door following one of those busy mornings, she stopped on the step, looked up at the sky, & said, "It's a pretty day, Mom." My day began "pretty" & I know I was a neater person to be around because--it was a "pretty" day!
One person told about a childlike friend of hers who has such qualities as playfulness, creativity, joyfulness, optimism, & a dancing spirit. She said this of her: "She remembers being told to grow up, but she didn't pay any attention!"
Finding Courage by Challenging Our Fears. Once when I was administering an individual intelligence test to a first-grade boy, I asked him, "What does `brave' mean?" He replied, "It's when you're scared to death but you do it anyway."
Five-year-old Scott & his uncle were working on the roof. Scott's mother later said that he had never been on a ladder or a roof before, & that he was scared of heights. The uncle had to come down for more tools, & he forgot his nephew for fifteen minutes or so. When he scurried back up onto the roof, he found Scott crying. The uncle asked Scott if he was afraid. He responded, "No, but I got lonesome."
Scott was able to challenge his fears when he was in the presence of a person he trusted. When that person was gone, he was no longer able to challenge those fears.
The Children Around Us Who Teach Us Love
Relationships Are More Important Than Tasks
Children know this. A parent writes:
I found myself out of work this year & home all day with our five-year-old. One of the best times is when he wakes up in the morning & crawls on my lap. We sit & rock & cuddle & just belong to each other. Very seldom are words said for a long time. We enjoy just being in each other's presence.
I believe that one reason Jesus said we are to become like little children is that they have their priorities straight in this regard: Relationships first, & tasks second.
The fact remains, however, that tasks must be done, so how do we take care of both? The trick is, when possible, to put them together so that the tasks serve to deepen the relationship.
Sue, my daughter, explains:
I've learned that the child psychology & education books & teachers were all wrong about young children's attention spans. I was always taught that young children have a very short attention span. But when I read or play with our little boys, I find that their interest in what we are doing usually lasts much longer than mine. Reading the same book several times in a row is boring to me. I wonder--maybe the reason they can stay interested in one thing so long is because they see what we're doing as "time spent with me rather than just accomplishing a task" such as finishing a book or game. They probably know that I tend to end my time with them at the end of a book or game, so they want to make it last as long as possible.
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The first time my oldest daughter was in the hospital was an important time for me. She was apprehensive about the hospital & the surgery but thrilled to be with me without her sister & brother. We took special care in buying her gown & robe. We went out to a favourite place to eat & then I was allowed to spend the night with her before surgery. We had a regular old slumber party for two. We played games, talked & read books together. My daughter & I became friends that night as well as mother & daughter.
Expressing Love
My nephew & I were busily walking around the house looking for Magic Markers. He stopped me, took my hand, & said, "Wait a minute. I want to tell you something." I said, "OK." So I sat down as he stood in front of me. He looked at me with his big blue eyes & said, "I love you so much. I want to show you how much I love you." I could just feel this little heart aching--ready to burst with the love he wanted to give. We talked about it for awhile, & we hugged & cried together.
Later I thought about what he had said to me. A busy eight-year-old boy, taking time out to tell me that he loved me & that he wanted to show me that love. How often do I think of showing my love to others? I thanked the Lord for the lesson & I'm still thanking Him for it!
Little children often take the initiative in expressing love:
When I came to school feeling unhappy about my life after an argument at home, a little girl came up to me & said, "You look nice, I love you." That taught me how much we need to give & receive love & appreciation.
A woman thoughtfully recounted how a little child opened & transformed her father before her eyes:
Through a child I learned that the way I saw my father was not the way everyone saw him. I have never considered my father to be a very emotional, loving person. Recently, for the first time, I had occasion to watch him play with a two-year-old. He was so loving & open. He had "human" qualities that I had never seen in him before. Since then I feel differently about him. I wonder if maybe I envy that little girl because she was so open & loving with him & he responded so beautifully.
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I learned spontaneous affection from children. I have two little girls in my kindergarten class this year who are extremely affectionate. They always hug & kiss me when they leave. Then a few others will follow suit. At first I didn't know if I should encourage, discourage or ignore this. Then I decided just to let it be spontaneous. I'm a touching person anyway. So if they want to hug & kiss, & others do too--I'm here for them.
I've noticed that one of the marks of an effective elementary teacher is the ability to receive love as well as to give it.
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Love ever gives--
Forgives--outlives--
And ever stands
With open hands.
And while it lives,
It gives.
For this is Love's prerogative
To give--& give--& give.
--John Oxenham
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Caring
One child sensed his mother's fear of computers, & responded in a caring way:
My son received a computer, & I asked him to teach me how to use it. He used his softest, gentlest voice; he looked at me & touched me at the end of each point. He made me feel good about "me", whether or not I learned the computer.
I write on the chalkboard on the first day of each college class that I meet, the following sentence: "THE PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE COURSE OF STUDY."
Somewhere along the line I rediscovered this important truth. The child computer instructor had not yet lost that truth.
Concern for Others. Here is a story about a neighbour who cared enough to get involved:
I learned sincerity, spontaneity, & inquisitiveness from a child. My puppy had just had eye medication & was ill. I had carried her outside on the grass. The little girl across the street came over & asked what her name was, why her eyes were green, & how come she couldn't stand up. My response was that she was sick & had just been given medicine. This especially stands out to me because the girl was so sincere. I had just returned from the vet who had told me the pup had a 30 percent chance of living.
All children seem to share the concern of this girl for animals, especially small animals, younger children, infants, & in general, the helpless beings of the World. They understand what it is to be helpless & to be at the mercy of others. As we get older & more self-sufficient that empathy & thoughtfulness may decline.
When we are deeply understood by another person, or when we deeply understand another, we have a deep experience.
The man who tells the following story had such a peak experience:
At thirty-five I haven't yet admitted that I'm too old to participate in the town basketball team. Last Sunday I came home with my left eye blackened & badly swollen. After I had explained what had happened, my seven-year-old daughter said, "Now that will teach you not to go play basketball!" After some short thought I replied, "I doubt it." She looked at me, took my hand, & knew exactly what I meant. Such glimpses of oneself are rare & very enlightening.
Thoughtfulness. Something I've learned from a child is to be interested in others & to want to know what is happening in others' lives. One holiday I was asking the children in my class what they would be doing. One of my students, six years old, said, "What are you going to do?" I realise how thoughtful that child was of others. It really feels good to have others ask about you--to know someone cares & is interested. Since then I've realised how much more important to me are those people that ask about me. I've since tried to ask people about themselves.
A similar experience happened to me one evening when my own son, Bill, was a child. I had stopped by his room after he had gone to bed. As I gave him a backrub, I asked him how his day had gone. After he had responded to my question, he asked me how my day had gone. I felt cared for by his thoughtfulness. It was an affirmation of me as a person.
So there are many ways to learn caring from children. The first step is opening ourselves to experiencing their caring for us. Then we follow their example in our care--giving.
Renewing Friendliness
Friendship is Reciprocal. It isn't friendship if one person just gives & the other just takes. Infants & little children, who may not look much like givers because they are so dependent, can nevertheless be full-fledged participants in a friendship.
My daughter, Sue, has had little children as friends all through her high school, college & older adult days. She described a special time with one of her friends:
When I was in college I played volleyball, & one year I hurt my ankle. So I lay in bed with my ankle propped up & iced, feeling bad that I was missing out on volleyball, & everything else that was going on around campus. I couldn't do anything & I felt useless. My coach came to see me & she mentioned that she had to go somewhere for awhile & had to get a babysitter. I told her that I would watch four-month-old Kelly. She didn't want to leave her since I was hurt, but I told her I really wanted to do it, so she finally left Kelly with me. It was such a neat time, because even though my ankle was swollen to double its normal size, & I couldn't even walk, it didn't matter...Kelly couldn't walk either. I lay on my back & Kelly lay on her tummy on my chest, & we just smiled at each other & had a good time. My roommate took a picture of us, & I used to keep that picture on my bulletin board to cheer me up. Kelly taught me that even when I was confined to bed I could still do some important things.
Friendships can Develop in the Eye of a Storm. It was Christmas; one of my sisters & her sister-in-law do not get along at all. Their relationship has gone from bad to worse. This Christmas was just another time when we'd all have to put up with the strained relationship. They each have a three-year-old daughter. Those two little girls are best friends; they look out for each other. They played together all day with joy & happiness. As I watched them that day I wished that we as adults could have that accepting, loving attitude toward another person just because she is a person. They do not reflect the attitudes of their mothers. They seem bound not to miss out on the fun & friendship they can have because of two adults & their petty arguments. One wonders who is acting more "mature".
Sharing a Sense of Wonder
Shared wonder is a relationship builder, just like shared joy, shared tragedy, or a shared adventure.
A childlike friend of mine told about getting her family up in the middle of the night to view a meteor shower:
Two summers ago there was a spectacular meteor shower. It was supposed to occur about two o'clock in the morning. And so I got our blankets out & laid them on the lawn, & then I rounded the family up. They were saying, "Oh, Mother, do we have to get up?" & I said, "Yes, you really have to see this. I've never seen a meteor shower. I want you to see one!"
And so we went out & lay on the blankets & watched...& watched because it didn't happen right away. But the stars were beautiful, & finally the meteor shower started, & it was just fantastic. I think that will always be a memory for us--our family. It was a special time for us.
Sharing a sense of wonder with a child need not always take a lot of time. One man wrote:
An important time I had with a child was the time my three-year-old granddaughter took my hand & said, "Let's go out & look at the World" (our backyard). After our look at the World she said, "I love you, Grandpa."
The Children Around Us Who Teach Us the Healing Process
Touch--a Way to Make It Through the Day.
My own experience has taught me that touch helps me cope. One morning I was getting ready to leave the house to teach my eight o'clock class. For some reason I was furious with the entire World, including (especially) myself. I gave my wife an automatic exit kiss, but she caught me just outside the door & said, "I think you need a hug." That hug helped me enter my work day with a newfound serenity.
Children can also meet these survival needs of adults.
What happens when we are on a diet of regular touch, & that touching stops? We experience deprivation & sensory starvation. Most children go through some deprivation. They are touched totally in the womb. Then as an infant they are touched regularly (diapering, feeding, cuddling). As a little child, they are still very attractive to adults, & therefore continue to receive a great deal of touch. As older children, they may not be so attractive to adults, & therefore they get touched less. By the time they are in junior high school, many early adolescents rely on aggressive behaviour (slapping a friend on the back, pushing & shoving) to meet their needs for touch.
Adults can get a feel for this kind of loss if they have been to camps or conferences at which there was a great deal of touching & hugging, & then made the transition to an out-of-touch world. One adult talked about such a reentry problem:
While working at a summer camp in Colorado with nine-to-eleven-year-old girls I learned about a daily nutrient our body needs that we often neglect. Each day at camp I received tight-gripped hugs all day long from the girls. After leaving the mountains at the end of the summer, I went into a state of shock--lacking my daily hugs. Everyone knows adults aren't supposed to hug--how sad.
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A child needs love to make it. I know a child that has a discipline problem. We told him to come to us for a hug when he feels he needs it instead of "acting up". It is working.
Even a little pat can be useful in bringing about renewed closeness in a relationship.
I have a niece named Mary Sue. She's two years old & talks very plainly & completely. She is being reminded constantly not to put such things as toothpicks in her mouth. One day my mom was baking a cake & chewing on a toothpick when Mary Sue suddenly noticed Grandma. She said, "Grandma, get that toothpick out of your mouth--it's NASTY!" Mom stood, holding her laugh, but within seconds Mary Sue patted Mom's leg & said, "Grandma, I'm sorry I had to yell at you like that!"
By then both her mom & grandma had to laugh. But by this little incident I learned that some children realise that many times they are not yelled at to be punished or condemned, but in order to help them improve themselves. And even when they are yelled at & told the reasons why, apologies should follow.
The pat was important. Mary Sue used it to show her acceptance of her grandmother, even though she could not accept her behaviour. At two years of age she was able to differentiate between the person & the problem & to communicate that understanding!
Arousing Laughter
At Thanksgiving dinner in my family we always go around the table & say what we are thankful for. When my little sister was four, she said she was thankful she wasn't the turkey.
It is a well-known fact that when a little child enters a room, many adults immediately become more cheerful. One reason children have this effect is that they are themselves optimistic, cheerful & celebrating. Are adults, by nature, fun loving? Some children are concerned about this:
My five-year-old & I talked a lot about growing up & it made me wonder what kind of image I'm presenting as an adult. She has expressed to me that she does not want to grow up because she is afraid she won't have any fun.
Sometimes children, or adults, begin smiling, playing & laughing together. Author Norman Cousins calls hearty laughter such as this "internal jogging". Play makes everything funnier.
Perhaps what I admire most in kids is their ability to approach things with total abandon. They really seem to put everything into what they are doing & into what is going on around them. I sometimes--really quite frequently--feel that I have lost much of this. My life is full with husband, child, work, school & self--I often feel driven, that time passes without notice. I want to regain the wonder with which a child views life. If I think hard, I can remember what it was like to daydream, play make-believe, see shapes in the clouds, & try to catch a bird by putting salt on his tail. All of that was such wonderful fun.
Dr. Albert Schweitzer was apparently a childlike adult. Norman Cousins told of visiting Schweitzer hospital at Lambarene (Africa):
Laughter at the dinner hour was probably the most important course....At one meal, for example, Dr. Schweitzer reported to the staff that, "as everyone knows, there are only two automobiles within seventy-five miles of the hospital. This afternoon, the inevitable happened; the cars collided. We have treated the drivers for their superficial wounds. Anyone who has reverence for machines may treat the cars."
The next evening, he passed along the news that six baby chicks had been born to Edna the hen, who made her home near the dock. "It was a great surprise to me," he said solemnly. "I didn't even know she was that way."
...Humour at Lambarene was vital nourishment.
Reclaiming Sensitivity
I've been puzzled for some time as to why some adults learn from children & some don't. Such learning requires an expressive child & a humble adult. This pleasant combination makes things happen in this story:
It was Jeremy's first day in preschool. His family had moved to a new town after school was underway for one year. He found himself terrified & tongue-tied when the teacher asked him to talk during show-&-tell time. He stood, three & a half years old, silent, with twenty pairs of eyes on him. The teacher waited. Another three-&-a-half-year-old got up, walked over, stood by Jeremy, & said, "Mrs. Walker, you should leave Jeremy alone because this is his first day in school & he needs more time just to be shy." Mrs. Walker said later that she thought about it, decided he was right, & went on to the next child. As a humble, open adult, she learned to be more sensitive. The child, as her teacher, was sensitive to Jeremy's needs (& also found the courage to be his advocate).
Many adults have told me they have learned to be sensitive to others' feelings because a child was sensitive to their feelings. Here is one example:
My husband was in an alcoholic treatment center. I was a wreck & couldn't make sense of all the emotions I was feeling. I was driving with my three-year-old in the back seat when I heard him singing a little made-up song, "My feelings are all mixed up. They're going 'round & 'round." I had been so caught up in my own struggle that I had not shared anything with him or asked him what he was feeling. I'm not even sure I could have expressed it as clearly.
Children & adults are sensitive to different things. This is one of the themes of the book, "The Little Prince":
"If you were to say to the grown-ups: `I saw a beautiful house made of rosy brick, with geraniums in the windows & doves on the roof,' they would not be able to get any idea of that house at all. You would have to say to them: `I saw a house that cost $20,000.' Then they would exclaim: `Oh, what a pretty house that is!'"
And the little prince goes on to say of adults, "They are like that. One must not hold it against them. Children should always show great forbearance toward grown-up people."
The little prince saw a special beauty in a house that the adults did not see.
Forgiving
This parent had a master teacher:
When big sister was disciplined for hurting little sister, big sister cried for her blanket (the special one that comforts her). I didn't let her have it for a few minutes, so little sister, who had just been hurt by big sister, went & brought her the blanket.
We live in a world of instant coffee, fast foods & crash diets. We want it now. But who is pushing instant forgiveness, fast reconciliation & a crash method of forgetting grudges? The Lord--& children. This adult learned from her own childhood about instant forgiveness:
Adults should learn to forgive & forget as easily as children do. My mother tells a story about when I was a child. I came in crying & saying that my little friend had hit me. Mom comforted me & told me not to go back, but to stay with her. There was a knock at the door. My friend wanted to play. Mom said I jumped from her lap, full of smiles & ready to play again.
Can you remember, as the above adult did, a time when forgiveness came fast & did not even require an apology?
When I yield to anger after having just resolved never to verbalise those angry feelings again, I then promptly ask my child to forgive me, anxiously awaiting, "That's OK, Mommy." However, if she asks for forgiveness too quickly after a repeated offense, I've sometimes felt a need to hold back my forgiveness in order to teach a lesson. "After all," I reason, "she needs to realise the seriousness of this spilt milk."
Lord help us to forgive as we have been forgiven!
Discovering--With a Child's Help--How to Mourn
This adult was able to move in a few minutes' time from grieving or mourning to celebrating. What made the difference? The intervention of a caring child:
I keep thinking of the time when my fiance was working out of town. He had been gone for over a month. It was getting near Christmas & my birthday, but I was not in the mood at all because I was feeling alone & depressed.
I work with children who are eighteen months to three years old. I was sitting in a chair holding a child, & I was feeling sad & had tears in my eyes. The child I was holding asked me, "What's the matter?" I said, "I'm just sad." The little boy said, "Why are you sad? I love you." I cried & held the child close. From that day on I was in the Christmas mood.
Children are skilled comforters, & being comforted can help us mourn.
I learned that children are great comforters, that they accept death more easily. When my grandmother died three years ago, it was my children who comforted me rather than vice versa. Their assurances were that Grandma was with Jesus; that God had things in control. I would not have accepted these assurances or been comforted nearly as much had an adult been trying to comfort me. It was a beautiful experience!
Children remind adults to trust the Lord:
When my mother died, my children ranged in age from ten to a baby. As we explained death to them & what had happened to Grandma, I talked about the joy & happiness we should have about death. So everything went fine, until one day my son, age nine, came in & found me crying & he said, "Why are you crying, "Mom?" I told him I was thinking of Grandma, & not to worry; it was OK. He said something I'll never forget, "But Mom, if we are supposed to be so happy for Grandma, why cry?" Of course I went ahead to explain that sometimes we cry for ourselves more than for the one who has died. But I think so often, when I am asking my children to live a life of trust in God, am I also living that life?
Children are good at reminding adults of the obvious. And it is the obvious for which we need reminders: The need to express love, to affirm others, to give & receive touch, to sing & move & play, & to trust God.
Finding Help for Brokenness
Here is a young would-be counselor:
A twenty-eight-month-old boy heard his fourteen-month-old brother crying. He went into the next room where his brother was & said, "Daniel, do you want to talk about your problem?"
One three-year-old helped her grieving mother:
I learned a deeper meaning of God's caring from my daughter who was three at the time. I had just lost my mother--a young mother in my opinion, fifty-six years of age. Although I had the assurance that she was in God's presence, I went through tremendous grief & had a terrible sense of loss. On one occasion I had heard some music which touched me deeply. My daughter saw me crying. She came & put her arms around me & said, "Mama, someone wants to talk to you on the phone (she handed me her play telephone). It's Jesus & He wants to tell you He's taking good care of Nana." At that moment I believe some healing took place in my heart.
The Children Around Us Who Teach Us Growth as a Way of Life
Learning to Move, Play & Sing--Again
Dance with me! When that invitation comes from a child, it's very difficult to resist, as some "inhibited" college students discovered.
I attended a Bible school that encouraged students to be expressive in their worship; nevertheless, some of us remained traditionally inhibited during our chapel services. On one occasion, the nursery was closed & parents brought their young children to the service. Their immediate response to the songs of praise was to clap, jump & dance excitedly in the aisles back in a far corner of the auditorium. Jesus' admonition to become as little children was inescapably evident in their joyous celebration of praise. Many of us joined them in the aisles that day, experiencing for the first time the pure joy of uninhibitedly praising the Lord.
Working & Playing. What are the differences:
WORK--Concentrate on the product.
PLAY--Concentrate on the process.
WORK--The important thing is the destination.
PLAY--The important thing is the journey.
WORK--Is for the future.
PLAY--Is in the now.
WORK--Another person's play.
PLAY--Another person's work.
Play can be just as beneficial to adults as to children:
I had a fun time this summer trying to get our daughter over her fear of jumping into the pool & going down the slide in swimming lessons. We went to the pool & went through everything together. We started at three feet & went up to seven feet. Then the slide--I had more fun going down the water slide. When she saw me laughing & enjoying it, she decided to give it a try & found it to be delightful. We spent the rest of the day laughing & going down the slide together.
Creating
I had a four-year-old girl who came to my daycare center every morning at 8:00. One morning her mother had to go to work at 7:00, so she brought her at 6:45. When she walked in, she said to me, "Teacher, the sun isn't working this morning."
Pretending. A father was moved by his daughter's ability to pretend:
One Sunday before Christmas I told a class of three-&-a-half to four-&-a-half-year-olds the story of the Wise Men bringing gifts to toddler Jesus. Then we wrapped individual boxes in gift paper & ribbon & filled them with love. One father came to the door to get his child at the close of the session & she handed him her own wrapped gift & said, "Daddy, this is for you." He opened it &, of course, he could see nothing. She exclaimed, "Daddy, it's full of love!" He kissed her. This was a very touching experience for me--especially since our holiday is filled with so many material gifts.
Children, of course bring reality to their pretend world. That's why it's so powerful. The box was full of love to the four-year-old, & perhaps to the adult as well.
Creating Beauty. Our youngest daughter was probably two or less when on a windy day in Kansas she discovered an exciting game called "Flying Kleenex". Looking out the kitchen window, I saw Kleenex flying all over the neighborhood. On closer examination I found the original source--Sue was holding them up one at a time & letting the wind blow them out of her little hand. Our entire family went on a three-or four-block chase, gathering up as many as we could catch. I could see how much fun this was for her--something like blowing bubbles--or like creating an ever-changing pink sculpture series against the backgrounds of our neighbors' green yards & blue sky. However, I'm not sure the neighbors appreciated the spectacular beauty of the event!
Creative Alternatives. A child came up with a creative alternative to buying a pet:
My eight-year-old daughter was begging for a pet after her sister got a gerbil. One night she came to me & said, "Don't get me a pet. It's more fun wanting one."
A teacher was trying to arbitrate one of those disagreements that occurs--repeatedly--in classrooms:
One morning two small boys were fighting over a little plastic man. I went over & tried to talk to them about sharing. It wasn't going so well. Another child walked over & gave one of the boys his plastic toy & all was settled. This little boy was able to show sharing when all I could do was try to tell about it.
Thinking
Asking Questions. Dr. Victor Cottrell was telling about a conversation he had years ago with his six-year-old daughter Cindy. Note the excellent "what" & "how" questions Victor asks Cindy. He doesn't just tell her his point of view & his feelings. Rather, by his questions he helps her discover these things:
Cindy would never get her toys off the driveway. So I drove up one night after asking her many many times, "Please get your toys out of the driveway." Sure as the World, there was the bicycle on the drive again. I drove up as close as I possibly could to it, but I didn't want to run over it because I knew she wouldn't be the one who would do the repairing. I had been teaching a class in communications that day in the college, & I decided I was going to try to practice what I had been teaching. I was really proud of myself.
I walked in & visited with my wife for a little bit & visited with Cindy. I picked her up in my arms & gave her a nice big hug & asked her how her day was. We had a nice time, & after about five or ten minutes I said, "Honey, how would it be if we went for a little walk together?"
She said, "Fine." Of course, I knew where we were going to walk. We walked out the front door & over into the driveway, & then she stopped & looked.
I said, "Honey, what do you see?" You know, the good old strategy of trying to get them to describe.
She said, "Well, I see my bicycle is in the driveway."
"Yes, & my car is there too, isn't it? What could have happened to that bicycle?"
"Oh, you could have run over it."
"Now how does Daddy feel about that?"
"Daddy doesn't like that at all."
"Well, how do you feel about it?" I was trying to establish my claim to the driveway; now we're just about ready for the close--really bright guy.
She looked up to me with her little eyes & she asked, "Dad, how much do you use this driveway?"
Well, I thought, "You know, I bet I use that 15 seconds in the morning, & maybe 15 seconds at night." And I said, "Well..." I kind of stuttered around a little bit.
Then she used a follow-through question, "Dad, do you know how much I use this driveway, & how much my friends use this driveway?"
I kind of stuttered again.
"We use this all day. One of the things you are trying to teach me is that you don't like us playing out in the road."
"No, I don't like you playing out in the road."
"Well, this is our best place to play."
Suddenly, it finally hit me, "I don't have a driveway, I have a playway! And, if I'm really on my very best behaviour, I may be able to convince my child to allow me to move through her playway once in awhile!"
When we see the World through the eyes of a child & we really listen & we really strive to understand, we may see that World about ten times clearer than we ever saw it. Why should we as adults have this funny idea that we ought to call that thing by the side of the house a driveway? That is adult mentality; it's really not describing its use. From that day on, I started thinking about our driveway as our playway & that made a tremendous difference in my attitude. It made a great difference in the way I saw those toys on the driveway, & quite frankly, I did not become frustrated anymore. Communication changes us...but we need to understand the World that the other person is in, & we need to be open to change our way of looking at the World.
Fortunately, Victor listened. Not all adults do that. Some of us may be like the following mother:
My son, at age six, talked about his new pet, Harvey. Being busy, I only half-listened until putting his clean underwear away one day. There was a black snake with yellow eyes looking at me! I screeched & threw clothes everywhere. He sauntered in & said with his six-year-old wisdom, "I told you I was keeping Harvey in my dresser drawer & you said it was OK." That certainly taught me to listen more carefully before saying, "Uh huh." It also took some explaining that Harvey would die in the drawer & needed to be outside with his relatives. My son saw the light, & transferred him to a basket on the porch. By morning Harvey was gone & a frantic search revealed nothing. He missed him for several days & then forgot about him. I never did! Six more gray hairs. Listening accurately may be the first step to knowledge & wisdom!
Becoming Childlike
Adults--Teachable & Unteachable
Not all adults are teachable. One eight-year-old said, "I've tried to teach my mom & dad to turn off the bathroom light, but they still leave it on."
How can we make the transition as adults from being unteachable to becoming teachable? One of the first steps in this transition seems to be a heightened awareness:
"I'm trying to put into practice something my eighteen-month-old daughter has taught me many times, but I only became aware of it after class one evening. As I arrived home she met me at the door full of joy--smiling, laughing & running with arms open wide. She made me feel so important. I'm going to practice making every person that walks through my doors feel important, especially my family as they arrive home from work or school.
A book entitled "Kids Don't Learn from People They Don't Like" gives a great deal of statistical evidence to support this. This is true of adults too, & in the opposite way, an adult tends to be more teachable when she is with a child she likes & with whom she is involved.
Greg expresses this through a problem:
My cousin has a daughter named Anne who is very loving & also very bright. Because of her intelligence & energy, she can sometimes get under a person's skin when there are millions of things to do. One afternoon I was running about an hour late, & my sensitivity was worn off. Anne caught me coming in the door & wouldn't let me get anything done. After about twenty minutes I finally asked her to leave & not bother me anymore. I felt terrible after a while, but she came back in a few minutes & poked her head in the door & said, "We still love each other, don't we, Greg?" I call that unconditional love. I learned to get a grasp on life when the World had me running & worn down, & to sit down & ask the Lord to take over. Anne is a precious little girl with a lot to teach me.
Here's a story of a child teaching a previously unteachable teen:
My grades were low, all my assignments were due, my job was boring, & I never thought of anyone else. As luck would have it, I was asked to spend an afternoon with a three-year-old. "Oh, great!" I thought. I decided to take her to the park. She could entertain herself, right?
Upon our arrival, however, she helped me explore the grass, study the simple lines on the sidewalk, & enjoy the beautiful flowers in the garden. These simple things held such unique qualities that they added a new zest to my life. The huge problems didn't seem so demanding or depressing. To think that I learned this from a little child. Isn't that a wonderful thought?
Learning Gentleness. Gentleness is adopting the point of view, "Catch them being good." We all know the feeling of being caught when we've been doing something bad. But how many of us remember being caught when we were doing something good? It is one of life's high points to be caught in such circumstances. "Hey, you're doing a good job on that!" or, "I want you to know I'm really proud of you," builds strength in those we love.
Gentleness is finding the courage to comfort & protect another person:
One time my two-year-old daughter & I were sitting on our porch when the little neighbour girl, who is six, was walking down the sidewalk to visit us. Just at that moment a little white poodle came tearing around the side of the house & apparently was startled by the little girl, & immediately began barking loudly & frantically. I could see this really frightened the six-year-old & she came running & leaping up to our porch. I am somewhat ashamed to say I had the urge to laugh because it was such a little dog.
But my little girl jumped up & yelled, "No!" at the dog, & put her arms around the bigger girl & patted her back. The truly amazing aspect of this is that my daughter also is afraid of dogs. From this I learned how important & just plain nice it is to be considerate of another's feelings. I also learned that a two-year-old can exhibit sacrificial behaviour by putting her own fears secondary to saving another the pain of fear. I felt that my two-year-old exhibited a higher morality than I felt inside of myself, & I decided that if ever again I saw a child afraid, even if it did not seem justified to me, I would comfort, not laugh.
A third-grade teacher told the following story:
My student teacher is pregnant & the students in my class just started seeing the change in her body. One day we got into a discussion about babies. It was fascinating for me to watch my students' expressions as they asked her questions about unborn babies, for example: "How can babies grow when you can't see them to feed them?" "How can babies move & kick when they're not born yet?" My student teacher said she had never realised before how innocent & open children are, & how inquisitive & eager to learn they are.
At the end of their discussion, one little boy apologised to me for not including me in the discussion, but since I wasn't pregnant he was afraid he would ask me a question I couldn't answer & would embarrass me in front of the whole class!
The Childlike Adult
As adults we sometimes have to relearn how to have a good time in the present moment:
When I asked my husband what he had recently learned from one of our children, he said he had learned how to have a good time. Our six-year-old son has a good time no matter what he's doing. He collects worms as Dad digs potatoes, & he collects & names caterpillars. Our son's excitement about our World has taught Dad to relax.
Another adult spoke in a similar way about learning to have a good time:
I'm realising that I need to reorganise my time & reset my priorities. I won't say I don't have any fun in my life because I have--but I have always felt that I should get my work done first & then play. Well--now I am sure my work will still be there for me when I get back from "smelling the flowers"! It will get done eventually.
Specific Suggestions for Becoming Childlike. Here are some ideas:
Make a choice whether you want to be childlike or not.
Keep contact with children.
Take the risk to do childlike things.
Sing, dance!
Love & give love by touching, hugging & kissing.
Use playfulness, cheerful movement, laughter.
Keep your senses alert to stimuli.
Active people tend to be more childlike. They are creative because they are into constant movement & "doing" things.
Follow the examples of a child or childlike adult.
Childlikeness can be released when inhibiting adults are not present.
We can work best at the process when:
--we are with our children
--we are around other childlike people & they inspire & influence us
--we are being creative
--we are happy with ourselves & not under a lot of stress
+ + +
The important thing in spending time with children is to do it not just as an observer but as a participant.
Open yourself to listening to them, to viewing them as master teachers, & the learning will happen!
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I'd rather be a mother
Than anyone on Earth--
Bringing up a child or two
Of unpretentious birth.
I'd rather tuck a little child
All safe & sound in bed--
Than twine a chain of diamonds
About my foolish head.
I'd rather wash a smudgy face
With round, bright baby eyes--
Than paint the pageantry of fame,
Or walk among the wise.
--Meredith Gray
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