TEACHING CHILDREN SENSITIVITY--By Linda & Richard Eyre


SENSITIVITY: THE ULTIMATE SOLUTION

         In their early adolescent years, children are still young enough to be teachable as children & highly motivated by parental praise, yet they are developing the independence & initiative that allows them to develop characteristics that can become permanent parts of their personalities. It is a special time--this early adolescence. In some ways it is the last time that parents can teach their children as children. And it is the ideal time to teach the quality that we have chosen to call sensitivity.
         The sensitivity we speak of is not the self-centered kind that causes children to get their feelings hurt easily & that causes us as parents to say "Don't be so sensitive!" Rather, it is the extra-centered kind of sensitivity that allows children to notice & "sense" the feelings & moods & needs of others...& to respond & to serve & give!
         If we can get our adolescents to get their minds off themselves & their worries, most of their problems are solved. If we can get them to get their minds on the needs of others, teenagers cease to be part of the problem & become part of the solution. Sensitivity is the name we are giving to this ability to think about others rather than self.

Teaching Sensitivity: The Greatest Challenge

         Being parents of teenagers is one of the hardest, most serious jobs around. As we move on from the physically & mentally exhausting job of having little children, we realise that parenting becomes even more difficult mentally & emotionally as our children become adolescents & struggle to reach adulthood.
         How can you explain to a daughter who used to spend all her time helping with little brothers & sisters & now spends most of it in front of the mirror crying because her hair "won't go," that she should be sitting at breakfast with the family & helping with the dishes--regardless of how "horrible" she looks?
         How can you help a son who sits in his school classes wondering why everyone hates him to realise he should be looking around to see who needs him?
         Teaching sensitivity to adolescents is the greatest challenge in the saga of parenting. The sweet, teachable, moldable characters to whom we've tried to teach joy & responsibility are beginning to show the symptoms of age--becoming set in their ways. Their excitement in the realisation that they know certain things just about matches their knowledge that their parents are getting dumber every day (likely some of them still respect us because we're so old).
         The first thing to realise is that empathy begins with us! Often our biggest problem with teenagers is our inability to put ourselves into their shoes--to see the World through their eyes & to laugh at ourselves. If we could look through their eyes we would probably see ourselves as parents who are sometimes intolerant & insensitive, anxious & angry, nagging & nasty.
         One of the greatest assets we can have, along with empathy, is a sense of humour. The hard job of learning where to draw the line can often be softened with a good laugh--privately as husband & wife, or together as parent & child.
         Perhaps the most important key in teaching children sensitivity is to remember: When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot & hang on. After all, as Winston Churchill said, "Never give up....never, never, never, never!"
         There aren't any perfect teenagers. But then again, there aren't any perfect parents. There aren't even any perfect solutions for teenage problems. But there are some things that help! So let's struggle together.

Whom This Book Is For

         Although this is a book for all parents of teenagers, it is especially for parents of young teenagers & preteen adolescents. It is a simple fact of life that 11 or 12-year-olds are more teachable than 16-year-olds. Many parents will find that some of this book's methods work well with 8-year-olds & even younger children. In the method section of each chapter ("Exercises to Teach Children"), we suggest a range of ideas--some particularly suited to preteens, some aimed at mid-teens, & some for older teens.

Symptoms vs. Causes

         What quality would eliminate or reduce such varied symptoms as shyness, rebellion, obnoxiousness, laziness, dishonesty, & selfishness?
         Could the answer be something as basic as sensitivity & empathy? Could the far-reaching effect of charity be the reason that the Bible put it above all things & most philosophies & religions call it the greatest virtue?
         And if so--if sensitivity, as we have defined it, has the almost magical properties of ultimate solution--can it be taught to adolescents? To early teens & preteens?
         Let us suggest 3 principles that may allow us to answer "yes" to all of the above questions:
         1. Sensitivity is a new way of thinking: A form of thought that includes observing, feeling, & communicating & giving.
         2. When we change the way in which someone thinks, we change the way he or she acts.
         3. When approached in the right way, no age group is more capable of changing how they think than preteens & early teens.

Mirrors

         Most of the problems teenagers face, & most of the unhappiness they experience, results from their natural tendency to "look into mirrors." Teenagers tend to see all situations, all people, & all circumstances in terms of how those things will affect them.
         They look at another person, but what they see is the mirror of their own feelings & fears. "What can he do for me?" "How will my reputation be affected by associating with her?" "Will it cost me anything to be nice to her?" "He's getting a lot of attention; maybe I should do what he's doing!"
         They look at a situation or an event, but what they see is the mirror of what they can gain or lose by it. "What can I get out of this?" "How will this make me look?"
         But wait a moment, you say. If we are going to accuse our children of looking into mirrors, we had better examine ourselves first. Everyone probably thinks of him or herself an inordinate amount of time, & if we are going to teach our children to be less self-centered, we had better teach ourselves the same lesson first. Exactly!
         As you read on you will see that that principle is the order of this book: First teach a particular aspect of sensitivity to yourself; then teach it to your children.

The Prescription: Windows

         Some older civic & church buildings still have "cry rooms" just off the chapel or meeting area where parents can retreat with extra noisy babies. Many of these cry rooms feature a pane of one-way glass, which is a mirror to those sitting in the meeting room & a window to those sitting in the cry room looking out.
         Metaphorically, all of us are surrounded by such one-way glass. Turned one way, the glass is a mirror, causing us to view all of life as a self-centered reflection of ourselves. But we each have the power to reverse the glass, to turn mirrors into windows. Doing so is an important step in the attaining of sensitivity.
         The fact is that both self-centeredness & extra-centeredness tend to extend themselves either inward or outward. An extra-centered person radiates the kind of awareness & interest in others that makes him or her more interesting to others. Interest & friendliness from others increases a person's alertness to them & magnifies his or her extra-centeredness still further. Self-centered persons give off signals of unawareness & disinterest in others that wall them off & turn their awareness even further inward toward themselves.
         As an adolescent develops greater extra-centered sensitivity, he or she becomes:
         1. More aware of others.
         2. Less aware of self.
         3. Less inclined to follow the crowd & less dependent on the approval of peers.
         4. More inclined to perceive & appreciate his or her own uniqueness & to develop self-confidence because of it.
         Children are not the only ones who need to turn mirrors into windows. Self-oriented, mirror-gazing parents may become annoyed by minor amounts of normal teenage nonconformity because of its impact on their own image or reputation. Or they may become personally hurt or offended by the new independence & strong opinions of an adolescent, instead of understanding that such "breaking away" is a normal & healthy part of growing up.

How to Implement This Book

         From here on, the book is organised into months rather than chapters. The idea is to take one aspect or characteristic of sensitivity & work on it, focus on it, for an entire month. Each month contains methods, ideas, & techniques on how to develop one particular element of sensitivity & how to teach it to your children. Some of the methods will appeal to you & will "work" with your children. Others will not. Pick out the ones that ring true for you & read past the ones that don't. Use the shoe store approach. Look at all the ideas. Try on those that you like & keep the ones that fit & feel the best.
         If parents plan well, they can set aside a couple of hours on Sunday to work with children on the skills this book teaches.

Getting Started: The Family Meeting

         A family meeting (or "first Sunday discussion," consisting simply of getting everyone together for a discussion) is the opening method for each of the months of this book. While the family meeting ideas suggested throughout this book are aimed at children aged ten to fourteen, those a little older or a little younger can also be included. If you have only one or two children, you have the advantage of being able to turn this meeting into a personal chat. If your family is larger, you have the advantage of more interaction & mutual stimulation.
         Prepare the kids: Announce a few days prior to the meeting that a special family meeting will be held on Sunday. Build up excitement for it by reminding them of it several times.
         You can set the tone of the first meeting by making it clear to your children that you are going to be working on becoming more sensitive & that you are inviting them to join you because you feel that they are old enough & capable enough to do so. (There's no such thing as too much flattery with 10 to 14-year-olds.)
         We sat around the dining room table together & ate ice cream to further set the stage, & then we eased into a discussion based on four questions.
         1. What is sensitivity? Being more aware of others, less aware of self; noticing others, feeling empathy with them, communicating these feelings well; seeking to give what others need.
         2. What are the connections between sensitivity & happiness? Practicing sensitivity makes others happy as well as ourselves; it takes our minds off of ourselves; it gives us warm feelings; it makes the World a better place.
         3. What are the differences between a person who looks "into mirrors" & one that looks "through windows"? The first is more selfish, more worried about clothes, looks, popularity, & such, & usually more worried & unhappy; the second is kinder, notices more, is nicer to be around.
         4. What are the abilities or skills that would help someone exercise more sensitivity & look "through more windows"? Abilities to see & observe, to listen, to feel, to communicate, & to think of ways to help others, along with an understanding of what sensitivity is.
         Then we essentially said: "We (your parents) have decided to spend the next few months working on our own sensitivity. We want to work on one part of this equation each month. We'd like to invite you to do this with us. Each first Sunday, we'll have a discussion like this about the part of sensitivity that we'll be working on during the coming month."


1. SEEING--TEACHING CHILDREN SENSITIVITY

         We learn to love by loving. It is the doing that develops the feeling. St. Francis De Sales said it better than we can:

         "There are many who want me to tell them of secret ways of becoming perfect & I can only tell them that sole secret is a hearty love of God, & the only way of attaining that love is by loving. You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; & just so you learn to love God & Man by loving. Begin as a mere apprentice & the very power of love will lead you on to become a master of the art."

         So how does one apprentice at the art of loving? Well, one thinks more about other people & about their needs--& less about oneself.
         How does one think more about others?
         One notices them more, learns to observe others, with mind as well as eyes, with heart as well as brain.
         So are we saying that seeing is the first skill in the formula for sensitivity?--Yes!
         We only have a certain amount of awareness. If a portion of it is focused on ourselves, there is less left to observe others.

Approaches for Parents

         Parents get so wrapped up in the mundane busy work of life that they often forget to be sensitive themselves. I was standing at the kitchen sink not long ago hurrying to get dinner, directing homework activities, & talking on the phone at the same time. As always, our 4-year-old picks these times to need something. He kept pulling on my skirt & pounding on my leg, saying, "Mommy, look at this, look at this, look at this." After about the 10th time he had repeated it, I glanced down expecting to see a picture he'd drawn or a feather he'd found, but instead he pointed to a little bruise on his arm.
         I kept talking & he kept pounding. Finally I excused myself from the caller, held my hand over the receiver, & said in exasperation, "Eli, I see your bruise, but I don't know what you want me to do about it. A band-aid won't help. What do you want me to do?" In his innocent little way he said, "Well, Mom, you could say, `Oh dear!'"
         As we teach sensitivity, maybe one of the greatest advantages is becoming more sensitive ourselves! Following are some suggestions for doing so.
         1. Write poetry. This may seem, at first glance, like a rather strange suggestion, particularly to put at the top of a list, but the writing of poetry, even the attempt to write poetry, is one of the most dramatically effective ways we know to sharpen awareness & observation skills.
         Try an experiment. Start modestly. Decide to write two poems a week for the next month, on anything. Just the commitment to do it will cause you to start noticing more & to start thinking about what you observe!
         2. Keep a journal. An alternative to poetry (or better yet, a companion to it) is journal writing, particularly if efforts are made to describe your experiences. Our journals can actually cause us to notice more in our children & in other associations than we would otherwise.
         3. See the humour in life. Next to poets, comedians may be our most observing group of people. One needs to notice & closely observe things before one can be funny about them.
         Perhaps the most valuable kind of humour to develop is the kind that allows us to laugh at ourselves, to avoid the heavy, over-seriousness that usually indicates we are thinking (& worrying) too much about ourselves.
         4. Watch children. The simplest method for observing our children is the best one. It is simply to set aside a half hour to do nothing but watch. Follow them around but stay back so you are not a participant or an interference but a non-threatening observer.
         And watch, watch! What interests a child, how does he approach different situations, how does he react to others? Think about what you see. Make notes.

Exercises to Teach Children

         1. First Sunday discussion (to establish within the minds of all family members, the goals of seeing & observing more closely during the coming month). Note: In each of the months, the first method is a "first Sunday discussion." The first Sunday of the month becomes the transition time when you shift your attention from one aspect of sensitivity to another.
         Begin by telling the children that during the coming month you want to concentrate on a skill that will help you to "look through windows" & become aware of others. It is the skill of observing. Discuss why powers of observation are so important, & make a list. For example, observing:
         --Adds enjoyment to life.
         --Helps us live more in the present.
         --Permits us to recognise opportunities.
         --Prevents us from missing things.
         --Helps us to notice the needs of others.
         --Is the best method of education.
         --Gives us more to talk about.
         --Makes every day more interesting.
         Point out that observing is fun, & that it is fun to have a goal together as a family (the goal of improving powers of observation). Mention that the goal can be reached only if we help each other. Several people can observe more than one person, & you can remind each other to observe.
         2. Poetry for children (to motivate children to observe more closely). It is not only adults who improve their powers of observation by attempts at poetry. Children, when they are given the opportunity (along with the praise & encouragement) can come up with remarkable observations that lead to equally remarkable poems.
         Explain to children that poems do not have to rhyme--that they merely need to express something that they have noticed. Show them a poetic attempt or two of your own & encourage them to try. Once they do, give generous praise.
         3. Nature walks (to practice observation skills & create peaceful teaching moments). The best place to practice observing is the place where there is most to observe. Nature is a great teacher.
         American botanist George Washington Carver (1864-1943) said: "I love to think of nature as an unlimited broadcasting station, through which God speaks to us every hour, if we will only listen."
         Take a walk & see what you can observe together. Make it a game if you wish--who can point out what to the other. Try to notice things you have never seen before. Think (& talk) about why they are the way they are. Look for comparisons to make between what you see & some aspect of your life.
         4. Looking into eyes (to help children begin to learn the art of observing feelings). Teach your children that the very most interesting place to watch & look is into someone else's eyes. The eye really is the window to the soul, & those who learn to look directly into the eyes of others tend to observe more about other people & be less self-aware & self-conscious. Have a family tradition of looking at each other's eyes when you talk & in any one-on-one conversation.
         5. Observing-noses game (an enjoyable way to practice observing skills & to impress children with how much variety & uniqueness there is in the World). Pick a certain day & have everyone in the family observe noses. Tell the children that you will discuss that night at supper the most interesting noses each person saw that day. Have them look for long noses, hook noses, "ski-jump" noses, pug noses, & so on. Ask them to remember the noses they find interesting so they can describe them. Be careful with this method--& teach a little discretion. We have one child who enjoyed the game so much that she still points out (to everyone within earshot) every interesting nose that she sees.

Family Focal Point

         One thing we have been very consistent on (perhaps because we enjoy it so much & learn so much from it) is the practice of Sunday goal-setting sessions, or just Sunday sessions. We sit down together & everyone plans their coming week. For smaller children this consists of a couple of simple goals & of deciding when they will do them. Older children fill in their goals & plans in more detail.
         We are now, with our children all at age ten & older, also using a very simple form of daily planning. We call it serendipity planning, & it consists of a blank piece of paper on which a child writes out his or her goals & schedule for the day.
         We have encouraged our children to have one priority each day for school, one priority for family, & one priority for self.
         After deciding on the day's 3 priorities, the children briefly write out their schedules for the day. They do so on the left side of the page & leave the right side blank so that during the day they can write in the things they observe, & the things they do differently from what they had planned because they observe & notice another (greater) need or opportunity.
         Children, by the time they are 12 or so, & particularly as they get to the mid-teens, can understand & have a lot of fun with this principle. A 14-year-old, for example, might have had a plan for a given day to get up early, study for a test, go to school, come home & practice piano, call her friend, do homework, & go to bed. During the course of the day, however, by trying to be observant & aware, she might also make a new friend in her civics class, notice that auditions for the school play have been set, or even "discover" a new sweater she loves & find out where to get it. She might also observe that a girl in her gym class is feeling left out because she was the "odd number" & had to sit out the volleyball game.


2. LISTENING & VISUALISING--TEACHING CHILDREN SENSITIVITY

         When Linda was a typical 14-year-old, awkward & self-conscious, she decided one weekend not to attend the school dance. She had no one to go with, she insisted, & she would feel embarrassed & self-conscious.
         Her caring mother gave her a challenge. "Go to the dance & look for someone who feels more self-conscious & ill-at-ease than you do. There will be someone! When you find them, introduce yourself & start asking questions until you become friends & solve each other's problems."
         A part of her deeply wanting to go to the dance anyway, Linda took the challenge, & found someone, & asked questions, & listened, & made a friend, & learned one of the most important lessons of her life!
         Life is what we are alive to. It is not length but breadth. To be alive only to appetite, pleasure, pride, money-making, & not to goodness, kindness, purity, love, history, poetry, music, flowers, stars, God & eternal hope is to be all but dead!

Approaches for Parents

         1. Altering social habits. As we seek to improve our own listening & visualising skills (so that we can be effective in teaching the same abilities to our children), we might first concentrate on some of our social habits.
         Much of the socialising we do consists either of small talk where the objective is just to keep the conversation going & avoid awkward silences, or of "impressing" where most of what we say is designed to enhance the other person's opinion of us.
         If these habits can be altered, great benefits are available. Three guidelines can help.
         "Ask & listen." Look for areas of interest--areas where another person has expertise & you have interest. Ask, & let one question lead to another. While you are learning, the other person will be flattered by your interest & your attention.
         "Praise & compliment." As you listen, listen for things you genuinely admire or like. When you find one, mention it. A specific, relevant compliment is often the most valuable thing we can give someone.
         "Smile...& remember names." A smile is the most easy & natural way to tell someone you like them. And a person's own name is the most important word in the Universe to him or her.
         2. Related argument technique. Next time you are embroiled in an argument with your spouse, try this: Have a rule that before you can make your next point you must repeat or restate his or her last point accurately enough that your spouse will agree that it was his or her point. Having done that, you may return to your side of the argument & state your next point. You will find that the argument is defused & that you suddenly understand each other.
         Use the same rule when you are debating with one of your adolescent children.
         3. Taking notes. Anyone who has ever made the attempt to be a serious student knows how much careful note-taking can enhance & improve & preserve his or her listening ability.
         If you could take notes in your personal conversations, you would probably ask better questions & remember much more of what you heard. Well, you can! Or at least you almost can. What you can do immediately after a conversation, as soon as you have a moment, is to make a note or two in your notebook.
         After you meet a new person, as soon as possible after parting company, jot down their name. When you learn something interesting about someone, do the same, or when your listening informs you of any new or significant fact.
         Here is the interesting point. Studies have shown that any form of new information, when reviewed 12 to 24 hours after it has been learned, will stay in one's mind approximately ten times longer than if it is never reviewed. This applies to notes we make about people; one review several hours after obtaining it will lock it permanently in the memory.
         So each evening (or the next morning) simply review any "after listening" notes you have made. The information will then become "yours" & will be available to your memory when you need it.

Exercises to Teach Children

         1. First Sunday discussion of month's objectives (to interest children & get them involved & to make them aware of the goal & focus on the month ahead).
         Begin your discussion by asking the children if they can think of some advantages or benefits that come from being an excellent listener. They may come up with things like:
         --It will win you new friends & make your existing friends like you more.
         --It will make every day more interesting.
         --It will make you less self-conscious.
         --It will give you chances to help other people.
         --It will make you a good conversationalist, someone that others like to be around.
         --It will help you in your occupation, no matter what occupation you choose.
         2. Question game (to focus attention on questions & on the skill & enjoyment of asking them). Occasionally, when you are in a conversation situation with your children (at dinner, riding in the car, & the like), play the question game. You mention a topic & see who can ask the best question on that topic. Choose topics that are relevant to the moment & praise every question that is asked, particularly the thoughtful, difficult ones.
         Questions, children should realise, are also the tools by which we get to know others & discover their interests, their talents, & their needs.
         When children think hard enough about a topic to ask a difficult question about it, they become interested...often so interested that they will amaze you by actually looking for the answer in an encyclopedia or other source they'd never usually go to.
         One effective variation on the question game is to have the topic be a feeling (such as loneliness, discouragement, or enthusiasm) or to hold up a picture that expresses an emotion & have the child pose questions that they would ask that person.
         3. Listening game (to help children recognise that listening is a learned skill) is an alternative game to play in similar situations. Tell a story or situation or experience involving as many details as you can think of (but not more than you can remember). Then ask those details one at a time & see who has been the best listener.
         4. Twenty questions (to hone children's analytical questioning skills). To play this old game, one person thinks of some object or thing known to both players & tells whether it is an animal, vegetable, or mineral. The other player has 20 yes-or-no questions to determine what it is. This game teaches children to ask carefully thought-out questions that narrow the field of possibilities.
         5. The Ice Breaker award can regularly encourage & reward children in their efforts to ask & listen. Nothing gives genuine recognition & praise as clearly & strongly as an award. Children of any age, right through the teenage years, tend to do what they are recognised for & what they receive attention for.
         Awards, as discussed here, are not money or toys or candy. Rather, they are praise & recognition & attention in the form of a little certificate or plaque that can be put on a child's door to reinforce & recognise a particular form of desirable behaviour.
         The first award consists of a large "I.B." lettered on construction paper & mounted on cardboard. After Sunday dinner we ask, "Who is in the running for the Ice Breaker award?" Children think back over the week & remember the times they took the conversation initiative & asked good questions in their efforts to get to know others. Whoever can tell of the best instance of listening & asking the kind of questions that gave them insights & information about the person they were speaking to wins the award & posts it on his or her bedroom door for the coming week.
         The real benefit of this award ceremony lies in the discussion & in everyone's efforts to think back & recall their own efforts to ask & listen.


3. CONGRUENCE: "HOW DO I FEEL?"--TEACHING CHILDREN SENSITIVITY

         Before we can become very good at empathising & knowing how others feel, we must develop & perfect our ability to know how we, ourselves, are feeling.
         Teddy Roosevelt said that the place he would least like to be was "among those cold & timid souls who never knew either victory or defeat." He, like most of us, wanted to be among those who dare to live, & dare to feel!
         We were impressed with the story we heard from some parents about their 13-year-old son. He & his younger sister had a nasty tiff, a disagreement over who got to use the home computer one evening. The boy had slapped his sister, something he never did. The father was about to punish the boy--until he noticed the look on his son's face. The boy was mortified at what he had done. He felt terrible about it, & he was probably suffering more than the sister.
         So the father, without really thinking, said, "Why did you do that, son?"
         Now that's usually not a very good question to ask children, particularly younger ones. We say something like, "Why did you pour out that cereal?" &, of course, the kid doesn't know why he did it.
         But with this boy, the question was more meaningful. The father really did wonder why he had done it, & so did the boy. No answer came to him, though, & he only said, "I'm really sorry, Dad. I'll make it up to her."
         About an hour later, though, the boy came to his dad & said, "I've been thinking about your question & I think I know the answer."
         The father looked at his son, obviously proud of him, & asked him to go on.
         "Well," said the boy, "I went to my room to think about it, & I remembered that my math teacher embarrassed me in front of the whole class today. I was so mad at her, but I couldn't do anything about it so I just kept all those bad feelings inside of me all day. I think I just let them out at Sis. I told her all this--what I'm telling you--& she said she'd forgiven me for slapping her."
         Teens & even preteens are pretty good at talking about how they feel--& even at knowing why they feel that way & about being able to explain it to others, & they get better at it if we praise their every attempt & ask them often, "How do you feel?"
         Learning to identify, recognise & appreciate feelings within ourselves is good training for appreciating the "now."
         Don't brush off this notion. Don't say, "Well, I think I already know how I feel." Most of us don't...most of the time. We don't know how we feel because we never ask ourselves. Oh, we know how we feel in those very rare moments when we are stricken with extreme sadness or filled with intense excitement. But all of the other times we just feel "fine," or "okay," or "all right, I guess," or, if you live in England, "not too bad."
         It is a skill to be more consistently in tune with how you feel. To do so, you must be aware & you must be honest--honest with yourself.
         There is nothing that gives you more control over your feelings than being able to identify them. "I feel a little bit jealous of Frank." "I think fixing that thermostat was a real accomplishment!" "I feel intense frustration when the boss asks me to stay for these late meetings."
         Just knowing a feeling sometimes makes it your friend rather than your enemy.
        And once you're acquainted with it, it's easier to ask the feeling either to stay or to leave.
         If our goal is to teach our children sensitivity, then the subject matter of the course really is feelings. The place to start is with our own feelings. Once we have a handle on those, we can use them like a net to "catch" the feelings of others.
         Be real. We ought to learn to drop our facades & be honest about our feelings to ourselves as well as our children.
         In much recent parenting literature, experts have come to the consensus that the best way parents can respond to their children is to express how they feel. Instead of saying to a child, "You're bad for doing this," or "You're good for doing that," we say, "I feel upset when you do this," or "It makes me feel so good to see you do that."
         Separate negative feelings about behaviour from positive love for the child. We repeat this thought because it is so important to be aware of this differentiation & to make it clear to children. Sometimes the best way to be aware of it is to say it as simply as possible. Say, "I love you, Jennifer, but I've very aggravated by what you just did!"
         Be open & candid about positive feelings. Frustration, anger & irritation are not the only feelings we ought to be honest about. The positive feelings of pride, love, & concern should be expressed with equal honesty (instead of taken for granted & not mentioned).
         Perhaps the most important place of all to be real & genuine is in the love we show for our children after we have disciplined them or shown our disfavour with something they have done.
         Relish those moments when we feel "moved." What happens when we hear an emotionally beautiful piece of music, or watch a performance of excellence, or hear a touching story or poem that brings tears to our eyes? We feel psychological changes within us. A thrill goes down the spine; we feel a tingling sensation; a lump comes to the throat, moisture to the eye. Is this a chemical change? Does the sensation received by the mind secrete a chemical into the bloodstream that causes these reactions? Or is it really more of an emotional phenomenon? Do our hearts & our hopes react to these higher things, to these beauties that seem a little beyond our World?
         Whatever the explanation, we all love to be "moved" because it is the deepest of feelings. And that thought reinforces the goal of this month--to better recognise, better define, & deepen our own feelings.

Exercises to Teach Children

         1. First Sunday discussion (to firmly establish, in everyone's mind, the objective for the month ahead of becoming more aware of our own feelings). As usual with a new month, begin with a discussion involving parents & adolescents. Build it around the following points:
         --How important are feelings, & how real?
         --Why is it important to be aware of our feelings & to try to know why we feel the way we do? If we can identify our feelings & their sources, we can appreciate them, we can control them better, & we can begin to develop the ability to tell how others feel as well.
         --Talk about goals for the month ahead. We're going to try to think more about how we feel, to tell each other how we feel, to identify & name our feelings.
         2. Use the word "feel"--both in telling & in asking (to help children become more generally aware of your feelings & of theirs). As you form the habit of saying "I feel," also form the habit of asking, "How do you feel?"
         Move away from asking children so many "why," "when," & "where" questions & start asking more "how do you feel about" questions.
         Encourage children to identify their feelings & express them to you, & praise every effort they make to talk about their feelings.
         3. Adjective game (to assist children in defining their feelings & to increase their ability to verbalise those feelings). As a family, make a long list of adjectives that describe how people can feel. Start with the most basic feelings like ("happy," "sad," "mad," "frustrated," "embarrassed") & move to more specific & interesting adjectives (like "murky," "jumpy," "agitated," "perplexed," "elated").
         Try to list at least 100 words before you are finished. Explain that a good vocabulary helps us figure out our feelings as well as express them.
         4. Descriptions (to help children verbalise feelings & observations about others). Ask each child to write down a four-word description of each of his brothers & sisters & of both parents. Next ask the children to write about how he or she feels about each one. You will be intrigued (& amazed) at some of the results.
         5. Tracing your feelings (to help children identify the sources of their feelings). After any of the foregoing methods that challenge us to define feelings, ask the question of "what caused the feeling?" Practice with your children the skill of identifying where feelings started & what factors led to them.
         Help children to see the connections between physical things & feelings. For example, if you didn't eat breakfast your blood sugar is low & you may be more irritable, or if a woman is pregnant, her hormone balance may shift & rather drastically alter her moods & how she feels.
         A person who knows how he or she feels & who can be honest with him or herself & with others is a person of character & strength.
         It takes courage to admit feelings to ourselves & to talk about them to others. A person who learns to do so will begin to find life's experiences more meaningful; will become more sure of him or herself & of personal dreams & ambitions; & will become far more capable of seeing & identifying the feelings of other people.


4. CONCERN: "HOW DO YOU FEEL?"--TEACHING CHILDREN SENSITIVITY

         It is not hard to believe in our ability to feel what others feel. All who have truly loved someone know that it is possible to feel for someone. When our children are sick & we feel their pain more than they do; when our spouse is hurt & we wish we could remove the pain by taking it on ourselves; in situations like these we do, through our concern, know how another person feels.
         The skill we should work for is to feel that empathy more commonly & more frequently--to know more accurately how the person we are talking to feels, to be aware on a constant & ongoing basis of the feelings of the person we are dealing with. The literal definition of sympathy is to feel sorry for someone.
         True maturity is the end of selfishness & self-centeredness & self-consciousness. It is being able to turn the mirrors that surround us into windows.
         I was coaching a "tots basketball team" of kids, ages five to seven, which included two of our boys. A new boy joined the team just before one of the games. His parents dropped him off & left him with us. As a crowd of spectators assembled & the gym became noisy, the new boy started to cry & to say that he didn't want to play. I did all I could to encourage him, but as he was afraid, the best I could do was to get him to quiet down & sit on the bench & watch--with the assurance that he wouldn't have to play unless he wanted to.
         A little later I noticed my 5-year-old, who had been taken out of the game, sitting with & talking to the new boy. I angled myself closer on the bench so I could hear. Our boy was saying, "I felt a little scared the first time, too, because there's so many people, but I got used to it, & now it's fun. Don't worry, you'll get used to it, too."
         Even small children can feel & express concern when the time & the situation is just right (& particularly when they have recently been in the same situation as the person they are feeling with). Adolescents can go a step beyond this--with effort & encouragement. They can learn to observe & listen & feel what others are feeling even when it is not something that has happened to them. But it is not easy & does not happen overnight.
         Those who feel what others feel & try to help, become, in the words of George Bernard Shaw, "a force of nature... instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments & grievances complaining that the World will not devote itself to making them happy."

Approaches for Parents

         1. Desire. The first "method" for knowing how others feel is to want to know how they feel. Most often, we do not know because we don't want to. This is not to say that we want not to know; we simply don't want to enough to try hard enough to know.
         Want to care! If we start with a desire to care, that desire alone will be enough to make us try to feel what others feel. And once we really begin trying that, we will feel it.
         2. Mental effort. Once we begin to see through our children's eyes, a whole new World of understanding (& of potential to communicate) opens up to us!
         We need to learn to think back. We need to ask ourselves: "How did I feel when I was a teenager? What experiences did I have that were similar to these? How did the World look to me at that time? What worried me?"
         After we go as far as our memory will take us, we have to go still further by climbing into the child's shoes & imagining her own vision. "How does this look to her? What is she thinking?"
         3. One-on-one time for adolescents & teenagers to express feelings.
         4. Delaying "advice" until after "concern." Often, our adolescents complain about something or engage in some behaviour we disapprove of & we rush to advise them, to set them straight, to correct the situation. Our 12-year-old daughter recently was bemoaning the feeling that no one really liked her, that she had no real friends, & that she felt left out of many of the groups at school. My first impulse was to counsel her--to tell her she had to quit thinking so much of herself & to "be a friend if she wanted to have friends." Instead, luckily, I just listened, & then sat back & told her of a very clearly remembered day when I was twelve, walking home from school by myself, excluded by three boys who seemed to be shunning me. I told her all I could remember of my own similar feelings at her age.
         She was interested, curious. I never did give any advice or solutions that day, but felt much better, & we felt much closer.
         Often it is a mistake to think that we can solve our children's problems for them. What we can do is understand them & support them & give them the subtle encouragement that increases that ability to solve their own problems.

Exercises to Teach Children

         1. First Sunday discussion (to establish the family goal for next month of trying to know the feelings of the other people we deal with). Hold a short discussion with family members eight & older.
         Is it possible to feel what others feel? How do we do so?
         Why is it desireable to feel what another person is feeling? It gives us chances to help him or her. Also, because we can't experience everything ourselves, feeling the feelings of others can expand who we are & what we know.
         What is the key to knowing how another person feels? Wanting to know, thinking hard about him, or her, & watching & listening.
         2. Giving extra doses of praise (to give children the self-esteem that is a prerequisite for being interested in how others feel). Before children can become very interested in the feelings of others, they need to have a certain base level of self-esteem & confidence in themselves.
         The whole bottom-line objective of this book is to help children worry less about themselves by worrying more about others, but the process involved is a bit of a chicken-&-egg situation. Children do think less about self as we help them to notice & feel for others, but it is often impossible to raise their awareness of others until their own self-image is strong enough to allow it.
         So, all along the way, through every month of this book, we must seek ways to build & nurture our children's self-image. The most direct way to do so is praise. Find as many specific little things as you can every day to praise them for. And to the verbal praise, add physical touch. A hug, a pat on the back, an arm around the shoulder. This touching reinforces & helps give children the sense of inner well-being that allows them to notice & to care how other people are feeling.
         3. Role-reversal games (to give another direction to parent-child perspectives of each other). Early adolescent children often enjoy assuming the role of parent for an evening, particularly if parents play the role of children. If you really get into it, both sides can learn a lot. Let them (kids playing the role of parents) ask whether you've done your homework, push you to clean your room, & try to get you to go to bed on time. Respond to them with the emotions that their demands cause you to feel. Try hard to project yourself into what their feelings would be & encourage them to do the same with yours.
         4. More specific & specialised forms of question & answer (to help children discover the enjoyment of finding out interesting things about others). By example, by encouragement, & through frequent family discussion, train your children to find out all they tactfully can about other people--where they come from, what they like to do, what they're interested in, what their plans are, who else they know, & so forth.
         5. "The bench" argument revolving technique (to teach children to recognise their own contribution to a fight or disagreement & to appreciate how what they have said could hurt someone else). Whenever two children in your family (of whatever age) are fighting or arguing in an uncontrolled & unpleasant way, try the following technique.
         Sit them down on a bench or couch or together on two chairs. Tell them that it "takes two to tangle," that they were both at fault in the argument, & that neither one can leave the bench until telling what he or she did wrong (not what the other person did wrong).
         We have a 5-year-old who often ends up "on the bench" but who never knows what he did wrong. He hates to sit there, however, so he always asks the other children (with whom he was fighting) what it was that he did wrong. The other child tells him, he repeats it to us, & gets off the bench!
         6. More responsibility. A Harvard study found that in cultures where adolescents are given more responsibility, there is more altruism & extra-centeredness, & less self-centeredness. It is in societies like the USA, where too much is given & too little is expected, that teenagers show such propensity to be insensitive to others & wrapped up in their own needs & wants. We must recognise this connection & realise that one purpose of giving responsibility is to help children get their minds off of themselves.

Summary

         Deep within us is the potential to see & hear everything & to feel every level of every emotion.
         We are stopped from fully seeing, from fully feeling, by the filters & blockades & blindspots that our ego & our self-centeredness put in front of us--by our windows turning into mirrors.
         The goal is to become "transparent," to become less & less aware of ourselves & of our problems as we become more aware of everything around us.
         As we ask ourselves more often, "How does this person feel?" we will have less & less time to ask ourselves (or to worry about) how we feel.


5. EMPATHY: "HOW DOES THE OTHER PERSON FEEL?"--TEACHING CHILDREN SENSITIVITY

"Help me to understand, O Lord, that understanding others is the key to being understood."--St. Francis of Assisi

         Answering the question, "How do you feel?" with regard to another person with whom you are dealing or interacting is essentially a matter of concern. Through observing, through asking & listening, & through caring, we remove our attention from ourselves & focus it in the form of concern on the other person with whom we are dealing.
         A somewhat more difficult form of the same skill involves asking, "How does he (or she) feel?" of someone we are not interacting with, someone who is not telling us how he or she feels, someone whose only "connection" with us is the empathy we feel for that person.
         We sometimes forget, as parents, how cruel children can be to each other. We forget until something reminds us & then we realise how important it is to teach our children to ask themselves often, "How does the other person feel?"
         We were reminded rather forcefully of the need one Sunday when we heard a 13-year-old girl speak in church. What she said made such an impression that we had her write it out for us:

         When I was in the third grade, I'd just moved to Salt Lake & I became friends with a girl named Sharon. We were "best friends" & inseparable at school. By the time we were in the fourth grade we had another friend, Carrie. Carrie, Sharon & I were the very best of friends. We even called ourselves "the three musketeers!" We were great friends for two or three months, & then it seemed that only Sharon & I were friends, or Carrie & Sharon, or Carrie & I. Finally, it ended with Carrie & Sharon. They would tease me day in & day out. They called me up just to tell me how ugly or how stupid I was. At recess they would call me names & tell me I was dumb, or fat, or ugly. They would constantly tell me that I wasn't capable of anything, & I believed them! The last day of school they called me up & said, "I'm so glad that school's out because now we don't have to look at ugly people like you."
         In 5th grade, I was in a different room than they, for obvious reasons. Every time I saw them I hated them for what they had done to me. Eventually I forgave them & I learned a real valuable lesson from this experience: I learned to always listen to your friends, & never put them down; always be there when they need you; & always care no matter what. When I do these things, I have a better relationship with my friends & I feel better about myself. These two girls taught me to care about people & their feelings.

         Crabs have an interesting instinct to pull each other back. When catching crabs on the beach, you don't need a high-sided bucket to put them in. A shallow pan will do--as long as you have at least two crabs in it. If one tries to climb out, the other instinctively will reach up & pull him back. People, especially adolescent & teenage people, behave much like crabs. If someone gets ahead of us, outachieves us, seems more popular, our instinct is to pull them down in some way--perhaps by gossip, or by rationalising that whatever they have done is not that important.
         Our nature is to think of others as various kinds of mirrors for our own reflection. People of whom we are jealous often reflect us as inadequate, so we try to stop looking at them, or to "pull them down" at least in our own minds.
         The ability to shift into "windows" & to see people for what they are, what their feelings & needs are--& to take pleasure in their accomplishments as we would in our own--involves the most profound change of perspective that a person can undergo.

Approaches for Parents

         Turn the eye into a camera shutter. It is people's face, particularly their eyes, that give us our best clues to their feelings & their needs.
         Our own eyes, when trained to do so, can "read" faces in an instantaneous glance. One way to train the eye (a fun & interesting way) is to walk along a busy street & take "eye snapshots" of each person you pass.
         Look at the face--intently--& then blink, fixing the face in your mind as a still shot, as though you had just pressed the shutter of your camera. Let your mind interpret & analyse the face you just took a snapshot of. What did you see? What was in the eyes? The lines of the face? The tilt of the head? Think about the image.
         On a crowded street, your eyes may take a snapshot every couple of seconds, so your first impression of a face will be your only impression. Just look at a face, blink, & let your mind give you the quickest interpretation it can make: "Worried," "excited," "intense," "confused," "lost in thought."
         As with the development of any skill, practice will make you better. Somewhat like a muscle, the mind's interpretive powers strengthen with use. Before long, you will find that one quick glance can give you very strong impressions about what another person is feeling. And you will feel quite sure that your impression is correct. It is almost as though your mind has the power to make quick contact with another mind through some sort of eye contact or wave transmission that we do not consciously understand.
         This kind of snapshot thinking is hard mental work, but it is the best & simplest form of empathy training we know.

Exercises to Teach Children

         1. First Sunday discussion (to shift family focus for the coming month to the goal of becoming able to sense how others are feeling, even when we were not with them or talking to them). As usual, begin this new month with a discussion among all family members of adolescent age & older. Discuss what happens when we watch for how others are feeling.
         Remind everyone that you worked last month on knowing how the person you were talking to was feeling. This month you will be trying to know how people feel without asking them or even talking to them. Will this be harder? Is it even possible?
         What are the ways we can know how another person feels? (One way is to experience exactly what others are experiencing, to "walk in their moccasins." Another way is to think hard about them & to use our minds & our imaginations to know how they feel.)
         2. Example (as always, the best method of all). Simply make yourself more aware of others, & talk about your awareness in the presence of your children. Notice the looks on people's faces & comment on them. Watch things like the posture & mannerisms of people as well as their circumstances & situations.
         3. Lavish praise (to reinforce & bolster even the smallest evidences of empathy so that it is more likely to occur again).
         Watch for extra-centered actions. Listen for comments that indicate efforts to understand others & their situations. And praise these insights & actions with lavish & specific compliments.
         While munching an "illegal" after-school snack, 11-year-old Saydi said, "Mom, there's this girl in our class at school that everyone makes fun of. She doesn't have very nice clothes & she talks kind of funny. Today the kids were making fun of her. I was standing with 3 of my friends at one of our science stations & they started talking & giggling about her funny socks. I didn't quite know what to do so I just walked away. Then at recess I decided to go over & talk to her. She was all alone & I knew that if I went the other kids would think that I was dumb too, but I just thought about it & decided to go anyway."
         Saydi is not one of our children who is at a loss for words. Sometimes it takes 15 minutes to get a word in edgewise. She always tells me everything I've ever wanted to know & more! I think I praised her for at least 3 minutes. We repeated her experience at dinner & asked the other children to watch for similar chances to help. They were quick to point out that it was easer for Saydi than it was for them because she was a natural extrovert & blabbermouth--but they agreed to try!
        4. Face read (to simulate children's interest in trying to empathise by sight). Explain to your children that just as it takes some time to learn to read letters & words, it takes time & practice to learn to read faces, but it is possible.
         Discuss together how to do it. Simply look hard at a stranger's face. But instead of just noticing features & expressions & the amount of light in the eye, try to look beyond the surface of the face & see the emotions. Look for stress, for love, for insecurity, for confidence, & for every other observable emotion.
         5. Look for motives rather than blame (to help children to shift their own negative feelings to the more positive mental energy of trying to understand others). When your child tells you of having been hurt or offended by another child, resist the temptation to over-protect or to become angry or vindictive toward the other child or the other child's parents.
         Instead, sit down with your child & try, together, to figure out why the other child might have said or did what he or she did. Say, "What might have made him angry enough or jealous enough or upset enough to do that?" If no reason is obvious, speculate on what it might have been. (Maybe his father was mad at him today. Maybe he felt left out in some social situation. Maybe he flunked a test.)
         Whether you discover the true motive or not, you will succeed in turning your child's attention from his or her own problem to the possible problem of someone else.

Summary

         As mentioned before, a popular clich tells us that we can't know how others feel until we have walked a mile in their moccasins. It is a good saying & a useful one if its purpose is to prevent us from judging another person. It is indeed impossible to know all of the motives & all of the inner thoughts of any person. It is not impossible, however, to feel with another person empathetically enough that we know much of how he or she feels. It is not impossible & it is not unproductive. Efforts to do so are, in fact, the best training for sensitivity that can ever be devised.


6. EXPRESSING WHAT WE SEE--TEACHING CHILDREN SENSITIVITY

         During three years in England, we were consistently delighted by the ability of the British to use their own language correctly. Slang is little used in southern England, as is fuzzy or imprecise speech of any kind. English is spoken clearly & articulately, used with precision & with pride by children as well as by adults, & by workers & manual labourers as well as by educated professionals.
         I recall standing in the hallway of our children's elementary school ("infant school" as the British say) waiting for our children & tuning in on several of the conversations that surrounded me. The children's words were crisp & precise, their sentence structure impeccable, their questions were insightful & specific. And these were second & third-graders!
         Our oldest daughter, partially because her earliest schooling was in England, is exceptionally articulate. As she entered the stormy beginning of her adolescence, she was hit with her share of problems. They ranged from shyness to moodiness to various kinds of rebellion against authority. So many times our ability to help her with her difficulties hinged on her ability to conceptualise her feelings & communicate them to us.
         It is a basic fact of life that we can't do much about who we are or how we feel until we can describe it & communicate it.

Approaches for Parents

         1. Careful speech. Most of us are capable of speaking much better than we do. Conscious effort to say more precisely what we mean is the best practice for becoming more articulate.
         A by-product of more careful speech is that we don't speak so hastily. Once a person forms the mental habit of thinking for an instant or two before talking, two major benefits come about: The person avoids saying things he or she shouldn't say, & says more clearly & expresses more exactly what he or she wishes to communicate.
         2. Take time to write (whether you're good at it or not). It's only recently that we have begun telling people just how the books in this "Teaching Children" series came to be written. They were not originally intended for publication. We wrote "Teaching Children Joy" for ourselves because we needed a philosophy for raising our own children & we felt that writing was the best way to clarify & complete our thoughts.
         Writing has a way of organising people's minds--of taking random thoughts & ideas & putting them together in ways that make sense.
         During this month we challenge you as parents once again to devote a few minutes to writing each day.
         Journal: Record your observations at the end of each day. Concentrate as much on the thoughts you have had as on the events that have transpired.
         Poetry: Write a short poem about one thing that happens each day or about one observation you make.
         Letters: Write all or part of a letter to someone each day. Strive to be descriptive & clear both about what you are describing & about thoughts you wish to express.
         3. Name, face, interest-point remembering techniques. All of us admire people who are good at remembering names & faces. We especially admire such people when they remember us.
         There is a simple 3-step process that can make you "remarkably good" at this rather unusual skill.       When you meet someone use his or her name at least 3 times during the meeting. (Repeat it as it is given to you, use it at least once in conversation, & then use it again as you say, "nice meeting you, _____."
         As quickly as possible after parting company, write down the name along with some physical characteristics of the person that you will notice next time you see him or her. Also write down at least one thing you learned about the person in your meeting, preferably something you have in common or that is personally interesting to you.
         Review that evening or next morning. As previously discussed, memory experts tell us that if we review some fact we have learned within 12 to 24 hours after learning it, we can set it in our memory in a rather permanent position. So in the evening or the next morning as you do your daily planning, take a moment & recall to mind anyone you met during the day.

Exercises to Teach Children

         1. First Sunday discussion (to make children aware of the goal for the month ahead of becoming better at communicating what we observe). Start this month with a discussion based on the following:
         --How is our ability to speak & communicate clearly connected to our ability to think? How is it connected to our ability to help others?
         --What are some bad habits or patterns of communication that you notice at school (slang, bad sentences, improper English, such as "he goes" instead of "he said," & so on)?
         --How does writing help us to think better & speak better?
         --What are some ways you can think of that we could communicate better & more fully during the month ahead?
         2. Communication with the written word. Pick the methods best suited to your children. Encouragement is the key. Most adolescent children enjoy keeping records. If you share your journal with them & praise their efforts, the chances of their enjoying it enough to stick with it are good. Some families find that it is effective to pick one dinner hour each week when family members are asked to share one short reading from their journals for the previous week.
         Letters: We don't write enough letters in today's society. The phone is easier. But letters are not the same as phone calls. Written words can be more carefully crafted & can say more precisely (& often more beautifully) what we wish to say. They can also be read & reread, pondered & thought about & cherished.
         Reading together: Reading aloud is often thought of as something parents should do with small children. But the practice also pays tremendous dividends with adolescents. Reading good literature together opens all kinds of good opportunities for discussion, not only about the subject matter but about the writing itself & about how the author expresses him or herself, what styles & forms of writing are used, & so forth.
         3. Communication with the spoken word.
         Speeches. Giving short extemporaneous speeches around the dinner table provides excellent training for the ability to think on one's feet & to clearly express oneself.
         Debates. The ability to take one side of an issue, craft a case for it, & clearly express that case in words is a valuable (& increasingly rare) ability. One way to teach this skill to children is to set up small debates at the dinner table in place of speeches. Think of a "debatable" topic & assign one child to speak for 60 seconds on the pro side & another on the con. Then give each child a 30-second rebuttal opportunity.
         Interesting things. At the dinner table, ask each family member to think back over the day & recall the most interesting things he or she saw or experienced. Ask each person to pause for 60 seconds & think (before speaking) of the most exact way in which to explain his or her interesting thing.
         The "would-you-rephrase-that" tradition. Start a tradition in your family of challenging each other to "rephrase" things that are said ambiguously or sloppily. When your son, for example, asks to go over to Johnny's, ask him to rephrase his question, this time telling you why he wants to go, how long he'll be gone, & why he thinks you should let him go. Encourage children to challenge you to "rephrase" so that if you say no they can ask you to say it again & include why they cannot go, when they might be able to go, & so on.
         4. Bedtime Chats. (To open up an opportunity for some relaxed communication at the end of the day.) Early teens & adolescents ought to still have a bedtime. And they will accept a bedtime more readily if it is made pleasant by somewhat frequent opportunities to communicate one-on-one with one of their parents.
         You obviously shouldn't feel guilty if you can't "tuck everyone in" every night. Schedules are not that simple. One or two nights a week, when you have the time to spend a few unhurried moments, produce the best results.

Summary

         Communication is most often the vehicle of sensitivity. By communicating well we better understand our own emotions & attitudes. By communicating well we learn of the feelings & needs of others. By communicating well we are sometimes able to give the encouragement & help that constitute service.


7. COMMUNICATING WHAT WE FEEL--TEACHING CHILDREN SENSITIVITY

         The story is told of a reserved Swedish couple, married for 30 years, named Alf & Anna. During one rare moment of communication Anna said, "Do you love me, Alf? You never tell me you do." Alf's answer was, "I told you I did, Anna, 30 years ago. And if anything changes, I'll let you know."
         Unexpressed, uncommunicated feelings are like bottled-up, unused fuel. They never move anything, & if they are left too long they begin either to sour, to lose their potency, or they blow up.
         To enhance & refine & recognise our feelings is a good & useful skill, but communication of those feelings is often the actual transaction of sensitivity. When we talk about how we feel, we are reaching deep into our soul. And when these feelings are communicated clearly & effectively, they reach into the soul of the listener.
         12-year-old Josh has a particularly straightforward way of expressing how he feels. Every once in a while he lets me know how he feels so abruptly that it startles me. It happens when I really bear down on him for a lot of consecutive mistakes. The other day I was really on a binge!
         "Josh, why did you leave your trumpet at school? Why does this room always look like you're having a garage sale? Why don't you take a shower? Why have you lost your homework again?"
         Finally he blurted back at me, "Because I'm stupid! I'm just plain dumb!"
         In that instant I realised that that was exactly how I was making him feel--like a messed-up, good-for-nothing kid! Believe me, I backpedaled in a hurry & thought of several positive things to say. (It wasn't easy.) Because he is so good at expressing how he feels when his feelings are hurt, I'm often more careful about how I phrase my criticisms--not only to him--but to the other children as well!
         Communication about feelings is not only the tool that allows us to serve others, it is often the service itself. For the needs of many do not involve material or physical help, but emotional & social help--which are given with words.
         It is a skill, & it takes time & effort to learn, but one can teach him or herself first to communicate accurately about personal feelings, then about the feelings of the person with whom he or she is talking, & finally to communicate about the probable feelings of people he or she has observed but never met. To communicate about feelings is to understand those feelings...& fully comprehend what they mean. There is only one way to form a true relationship. It is to share & communicate feelings.

Approaches for Parents

         1. Form the habit of asking, "How do you feel?" Make it a specific rather than a general question. Add some "following" words to make it the kind of specific question that solicits a serious & specific answer. Say, "How do you feel about the decision your boss made?" "How do you feel at 5 o'clock on Friday when the weekend begins?"
         2. Form the parallel habit of telling others how you feel. As we have mentioned, the words "I feel" have a way of opening up a high trust level in a conversation. They also allow their user to say what is in his or her heart without judging or offending the other person. Refocus this month on saying how you feel & be as clear & articulate as you possibly can about those feelings. For example, if you are upset with your 13-year-old daughter for not letting you know where she was after school, your impulse might be to say, "You are irresponsible when you don't ask & you'd better not let it happen again." A more effective, less judgmental (& perhaps more accurate) thing to say would be, "I feel upset & worried when I have no idea where you are."
         3. "Tell" others how you think they feel. Somewhere beyond the habits of asking how others feel & telling them how you feel, lies the art of being able to tell others how they feel. The person can say, "You look like you're feeling a lot of pressure," or "You sound like you're even more excited about that than you're letting on."
         As we make these kinds of statements to people, we are talking to them about their feelings, & they will respond--either to agree with our assessment, to disagree with it, or to expand or alter it. In every case, windows will be opened to us that allow us to see feelings & to notice opportunities to give encouragement or help that is tailor-made to the feelings & needs of the other person.
         4. Give the incredible gift of a well-conceived compliment. Some of the most vivid (& valued) childhood memories are of simple compliments I (Richard) received. I remember a hunting trip when my father told me how much fun I was to have along & how sharp my eyes were at picking up distant movement.
         Just as the body needs physical nourishment, the human ego needs the nutrients of praise. And the fast food of a "good game" or a "you look nice" will not mean as much as a carefully prepared gourmet compliment like, "You did an exceptional job on that model. You've always been really talented with your hands, & the way you painted it shows you have a real `feel' for colour & design."
         When you give a compliment: 1) Be sure it is completely honest, 2) make it as specific as possible, & 3) get as much eye contact as possible with the person so you can "say it" with your eyes as well as with your voice.

Exercises to Teach Children

         1. First Sunday discussion (to help children understand this month's goal of communicating effectively about feelings).
         --Last month we talked about & worked on being able to describe & communicate things we see or observe. Why is it important to communicate about feelings?
         --When do we need to be able to talk about feelings? (When we're upset, when we disagree with someone, when our own feelings are hurt, when we are happy, & when we want to make someone else happy, & so on.) How can talking about feelings help other people? (By letting them know they are understood. By revealing ways in which we can help them.)
         2. Example (to give children a communication "model" to follow). It goes without saying that kids will begin to communicate feelings as they see you doing so. Talk openly about your moods & feelings & ask (often) about theirs. You will thus teach your children two profoundly important principles: 1) It is OK to have feelings--the whole gamut of feelings, & 2) it's healthy & beneficial to express those feelings (in the proper place & at the right time, but soon).
         3. Bedtime chats (to use a relaxed atmosphere for discussion involving feelings). Start it off yourself by sitting on the edge of a child's bed & volunteering how you have felt about various things during the day. Let the child respond in kind. Prompt him or her along with questions, encouragement, compliments. Don't expect feelings to flow as freely as you wish on the first few efforts. Be content to talk about your feelings a few times & be patient about their own expressions.
         4. Writing & reading about feelings (to use methods from earlier chapters in new ways that help children better define & articulate their feelings).
         --Adjective lists of feelings. Build & expand this list to help children realise how many moods, emotions & feelings exist, & how interesting they are to experience.
         5. Feelings "clearinghouse" (to assist children in having a vocabulary to explain their feelings & to realise the advantage of expressing feelings rather than holding them in). During the month, find some opportunities to "clear away" any unexpressed feelings that any family member has. Using the adjective list, go through it together & say, "Has anyone been feeling frustrated? Jealous? Angry?" & so on right through the list.
         Be sure children understand that this is just an exercise to help them identify feelings & to show them how much better they feel after honest emotions are expressed.
         6. One-on-one opportunities (to facilitate the most personal expression of feelings, one-on-one between parent & child.) Take a child on routine travel whenever possible. Whether on a business trip or a simple visit to the grocery store, try to take a child along. One-on-one situations facilitate communication of feelings more effectively than any other setting.

Summary

         The ability to accurately & honestly communicate feelings is an essential part of charity. We must know of the feelings of others in order to serve them, & we often serve them best simply by expressing our feelings to them & for them.


8. SERVICE--TEACHING CHILDREN SENSITIVITY

         You will find as you look back upon your life, that the moments that stand out are the moments when you have done things for others.--Henry Drummond
        
         I observed a young neighbour boy across the street. I watched him from my window one snowy morning, hearing nothing but seeing enough to tell a beautiful story. He skipped out of his front door into the bright, white winter Saturday, basketball under his arm, sneakers on his feet, smile on his face. He trotted down his walk, dribbling the ball wherever there was a dry patch of pavement on the carefully shoveled sidewalk.
         I had noticed the same boy doing the snow shoveling earlier that morning as I went out to pick up the morning paper.
         Now he turned on to the main sidewalk & loped past his neighbour's house. Then he paused, looked back, hesitated, started running, stopped again. He was looking at the old lady who lived next door in the house he had just passed. She was struggling with a heavy old snow shovel. Again the boy started down the street. Again he paused. I could see his thoughts clearly as if I were inside his head. "The guys are waiting for me. I'll miss part of the game. I've already shoveled snow this morning. But she can't do it. She's too frail. She might hurt herself."
         He tossed the ball into the fluffy snowdrift & ran back to get his shovel. The look on his face was an interesting combination of exasperation at the situation & satisfaction in having decided something he knew was right.
         Teddy Roosevelt said: "In the battle of life, it is not the critic who counts. Not the man who points out where the strong man stumbled or where the doer of the deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena...who does actually strive to do the deeds...whose place will never be among those cold & timid souls who never knew either victory or defeat!"
         Tennyson said (& we have all heard): "'Tis better to have loved & lost than never to have loved at all."
         What really puts us in the arena? What really lets us undertake the risk of actively loving? The answer is service.
         Those who serve are involved. They are no longer mere spectators of life. And they will never be among the "timid souls" who rarely lose & rarely win.

Approaches for Parents

         1. Attitude. Most service is an outgrowth of attitude. There are a couple of perspectives that make service easier & more actual:
         --The honour of serving children. I got up six times with our sick 18-month-old one night. Fortunately I had been reflecting earlier that day on what an honour it is to serve children. They are, after all, the greatest joy of our lives, as well as the most important responsibility we have. No other privilege compares with serving children, & nothing teaches us more. The presence of this attitude in my mind (although it's hard for me to believe even as I write) actually made it pleasant to be awakened six times in one night & to be given six chances to serve a tiny brother.
         --Wanting others' problems to become ours, others' pain to become ours. All parents have experienced the desire to take pain or sickness away from our children & take it upon ourselves. As we learn to love others, it is possible to develop similar feelings for them, & these feelings lead inevitably to service.
         2. Mental effort. The most effective & useful types of service come in the form of response to need. When we think hard enough to clearly define a need, & then think again, hard enough to find a real solution that we can provide to that need, we become capable of providing true service.
         Parents can best serve their children when they take the time to think; to use mental effort in deciding what the needs are--& in deciding just how the needs can be met.
         3. Inventory. As simple as it sounds, rendering small acts of service is often just a matter of habit. We do what we condition ourselves to do. And although routine, mechanical service is inferior to thoughtful, heartfelt service, there is still much benefit in becoming consistent & regular in our efforts to serve.
         Try this: In your planner, calendar book, or diary, draw a small box on each day or date. Then, as you watch for & perform some small act of service, write what it was in that day's box. ("Helped Lillian unload groceries," "Took over car pool for Margaret," "Stopped to help elderly man change tire.")
         A day never passes without chances to give some kind of service. The only uncertainty is whether you will see those chances. The fill-in-the-box method increases the odds that you will.

Exercises to Teach Children

         1. First Sunday discussion (to help children understand how the skills of the preceding months "lead up" to service. Also to establish concentration on service as the goal for the month ahead). Build an opening discussion around the following points:
         --What are the skills we've worked on over the past 7 months?
         --How do they make us more capable of giving service?
         --What does service do for the person giving it?
         2. Looking for needs--doing the deeds (to help children see the connectors between the listening & observing skills they have been learning & the actual rendering of service.) Explain to children that whether service is planned or spontaneous, it has observation as a prerequisite. We cannot "do the deeds" until we "see the needs."
         Look for opportunities (dinnertime is usually best) to ask about what needs anyone in the family has observed & about what deeds were done or could have been done to assist those needs.
         3. Discussions. Discussions can help children become proficient at thinking of the right kind of service to render in a particular situation.
         --Expanded dinnertime discussions. This month, in addition to asking what needs anyone observed, ask "What did you do about them?" or "What other approach could have been taken?" Help each other think about the different possibilities for service presented by one particular situation. Children are very good at this kind of brainstorming if you praise every small idea or comment they have.
         --Large & small acts of service. Discuss how people often think of service as some big act or gift or sacrifice, when in fact an act of service can sometimes be something as small & as easy & as spontaneous as a smile.
         Emily Dickinson wrote:
        
They might not need me but they might,
I'll let my head be just in sight.
A smile as small as mine might be
Precisely their necessity.

         4. Service awards (to recognise & praise children for giving service). The Sunday awards discussed in previous months are also effective (especially so) for this month. Have an SS (spontaneous service) award that goes to the person who can recall the best act of service performed during the week.

Family Focal Point

         Family focal points are designed to carry on the principles of the chapter long after the monthly focus has shifted elsewhere. Therefore, the focal points have to be things with a certain built-in motivation.
         We have found that what we call the "free Daddy date" or "free Mommy date" works in this kind of self-perpetuating way.
         In our family, Daddy dates & Mommy dates start when children are young, & they are times when one individual child goes somewhere alone with mom or dad. Because our family is large (11), these one-on-one times are especially valued by our children. We try to have at least one Daddy date or Mommy date with each child each month.
         The child would rather have a date more often, & there is one way that they can. If they find a service opportunity--something they plan that they & one parent could do for someone--we promised them that one of us will take them (alone) to perform that service. This is a "free" Daddy or Mommy date that they get in addition to their quota of one per month.
         Don't assume that this is only an idea for young children. Teenagers crave time alone with parents, too (although they may not admit it).
         The motivation of an opportunity to be alone with one parent adds to a child's interest in looking for & finding opportunities for service.

Summary

         Take the time this month not only to think about & perform acts of service, but to reflect on service you have rendered, to recall how happy it made someone else, & to think back & remember how good it made you feel to do it.
         Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that "we love those whom we serve." We do not necessarily love those who serve us. We need only to look around our society to dispel this notion. We see how many cynics, dropouts, conceited people, & spoiled children there are who take advantage of, criticise, & even despise the parents, the teachers, & the society that serve them.
         But we do love those whom we serve. And it follows, very simply & very correctly, that those who love most are those who serve most. We began this book talking about love as the most important motivator for service. We have now gone all the way around the circle & found that service is the best motivator for love. Service is training in loving.
         As we teach our children to serve, we are teaching them to love. As they serve, they are participating in love--actually gaining love & absorbing it as they perform the service. And it is the kind of love that frees them from the unhappy prison of self-centeredness.
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         Lord, help me live from day to day
         In such a self-forgetful way
         That even when I kneel to pray
         My prayers will be for others.

         Help me in all the work I do
         To ever be sincere & true
         And know that all I do for You
         Must needs be done for others.

         Let self be crucified & slain
         And buried deep, & all in vain
         May efforts be to rise again
         Unless to live for others.

         And when my work on Earth is done
         And my work in Heaven begun
         May I forget the crown I've won
         While thinking still of others.

         Others, Lord, yes, others
         Let this my motto be;
         Help me to live for others
         That I may live like Thee.
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