SIBLING RIVALRY--By Seymour V. Reit (Creator & animator of "Casper, the Friendly Ghost")
FOREWORD
In some ways, the most important message of this book is that intense interactions between brothers & sisters--the like & dislike, alliance & competition, protectiveness & rejection--are a normal fact of life. With the entry of a second child into a family, a drama begins--& continues with each new addition. Older children may demand attention by whining, getting into trouble, or developing skills & capacities so as to evoke praise & admiration. They may directly attack the baby or show anger by shouting or fighting with other children. They may hug the baby so hard it hurts. They may hide their real feelings & develop physical symptoms instead, like rashes or nail-biting. They may want to spend all their time at cribside, watching every infant move with hawkish attention. They may take up old ways again, like bed-wetting or thumb-sucking. They will likely also enjoy the baby's charms, being protective (sometimes overly so) & loving & proud. And they will surely take satisfaction in the privileges of now being "the big one."
The baby in turn, & any additional babies, will react to the older siblings with their own melange of feelings & behaviours: Admiration for big-sister/brother accomplishments, envy of special privileges, frustration at never being able to "catch up," resentment at being bossed, security in the knowledge that a reliable defender is on hand. Both sets of responses show caring & involvement, providing the basis for genuine intimacy & sharing. But neither is simple or smooth.
SIBLING RIVALRY: A FACT OF LIFE
At times it may be hard for you to accept, but the fact is that sibling rivalry is, to a large degree, perfectly normal & natural. The battle between brothers & sisters (in all their various combinations) is one of the most basic & universal of family relationships, & stories of such rivalries go all the way back to the Bible & beyond.
Real life, with its joys & satisfactions, has its ups & downs, disappointments & frustrations--& conflicts inside the family circle. Many adults squabble, & so do most children. Why? Because being human means having human needs & feelings, & sometimes these needs & feelings aren't always cozy or convenient. This is especially so in the complex, half-formed, puzzling world of the very young.
Put simply, competition among young siblings is their way of groping toward "selfhood"--the precious sense of individuality that we all need. This quest, rooted in feelings, is as important to children as it is to adults.
Vegetables don't have emotions or identity needs. People do--& children are people. Among the very young these deep drives are even more powerful than ours, because kids don't have our built-in ego safeguards or the protective rules of social behaviour that we acquire as we grow up.
Does this mean children have no standards of behaviour? Not at all--but in general they're somewhat different. One team of researchers, Drs. Bossard & Boll, points out, "Adults judge child behaviour by adult standards; children judge it by child standards." These "kid codes" (concepts of fairness, rights of ownership, & so on) are basic, simple, & cruder than our own. But they're just as strong & just as valid.
THE ROOTS OF RIVALRY
A rival, according to the dictionary, is "a person who is competing for the same object or goal as another, or who tries to equal or outdo another; a competitor."
Among siblings (brothers & sisters in the same family unit), rivalry is all too familiar. And sometimes very hard to live with! Where does it come from, anyway?
Some experts refer to the makeup of the family as a "constellation"--& like constellations in the night sky, families do have distinct patterns & groupings.
The family constellation--this mini-society--has many dimensions. On one hand, it serves as a support system; on the other, it acts as a pressure cooker. The very same family that gives its members warmth, security & love can also generate tension, discord & upsets. When human beings live closely together, there's bound to be friction & disagreement. Our viewpoints often vary, as do our needs & desires, & within the family these constantly bump up against the needs & wishes of other members.
There's another reason for such conflicts. The family unit serves adults & children as both a haven & a safety valve. It's one place where our deep, honest feelings can be expressed--where we can lift the lid & let off a little steam.
As family members, we depend upon & love each other much more intensely than we do outsiders, & we're prone to express our deeper feelings more openly within this circle.
Shifting Patterns
Life is a process of constant change & growth--& families reflect this in many ways.
Your first baby, for instance, was born into a family that consisted of two parents (or possibly only one parent). So we have a small constellation in which a great deal of adult concern & love can be focused on a single infant. In time a second baby is born. This infant, unlike the first, now enters a group consisting of two parents plus an older sibling. The third child joins a unit of four people, & so on. While this may seem a trivial point, it's important in helping to understand your siblings' personality patterns.
A child's "order of birth" is arbitrary--it's an event over which none of us has any control--but there are various advantages & disadvantages connected with this order. The first child, for example, will enjoy (at least for a while) a unique status. He or she is the hub of parental attention & concern--a tiny monarch seated on a throne, without peer or challenger. Parents also tend to have very high expectations & standards for their first beloved offspring.
In some ways the second child can never usurp the position of this other sibling. No matter how hard he or she tries, the first will always be older, bigger, usually more advanced. On the other hand, parents are often calmer & more relaxed with baby number two. They've learned from earlier mistakes & experiences, so a second child may be subjected to less underlying tension & anxiety. Parents may also make fewer demands on this second offspring than they did on the first.
Child number three is sometimes more "spoiled," more indulged & pampered, especially if the older siblings have grown to school age. In addition, child number three now has two siblings on whom to model his or her conduct. The older children often act as the new family member's mentors & teachers.
There are other variations with the fourth & fifth child, with twins, & so on.
The Age Gap
Sibling rivalry depends not only on family makeup & birth order, but also on the age span between children.
Experts generally agree that jealousy & rivalry are more intense when the age gap between siblings is from one & a half to three years. Here the gap is narrow, & patterns of development are fairly similar, which leads to greater friction. An age span of four or five years reduces competition between siblings, since they share fewer immediate needs & activities.
Sex Similarities
Surveys indicate, too, that in many cases, there's more jealousy between same-sex siblings than between those of the opposite sex. Here again two children of the same sex, close in age, will have a lot of common needs & interests, & this generates more quarrels & conflict.
Measuring & Mirroring
Instinctively, children learn to judge themselves not only by what parents say, but by measuring their skills & competencies against those of their peers. And the handiest, most convenient peers for this purpose are brothers & sisters in the immediate family, especially when age levels are close.
So in a sense, siblings use each other as mirrors in which to see who they are & who they can be. Younger siblings pattern themselves on older ones & try to emulate their achievements. Older siblings compare themselves with younger ones to see how far they've come & to gain a sense of progress & accomplishment.
Actions & Interactions
Sibling relationships can & do involve warmth, love & sharing; but sometimes the interaction leads to friction & fights, challenges & accusations, anger & jealousy, resentment & hurt feelings. And all this is heightened by the fact that kids (especially the younger ones) aren't very subtle. Their language is blunt. Their behaviour is exactly what they feel. Their feelings are direct & primitive. Kids don't say, "I find your attitude upsetting to me," or "I don't approve of the way you're behaving." They say "I hate you!"--& that's that.
Competing for Parental Love
A great deal of competition between kids--most of it, at certain ages--is simply competition for parental love & approval. To a child, a parent's love is vital & all-important because it spells safety, security & support.
Among children the deepest need, the greatest hunger, is to receive love from the adult or adults on whom they depend for their very existence. Because of this dependence, young siblings sometimes fear that love given by parents to others will mean love withheld from themselves.
PLACES ON THE LADDER: BIRTH ORDER
What do Albert Einstein, William Shakespeare, Margaret Mead, Beethoven & Harry S. Truman have in common? Aside from the fact that they became famous, they were all firstborn children with younger siblings.
Studies carried out over many years do indicate certain general patterns & personality traits that relate to the birth order of a child. We can't, in fact, fully grasp the nature of sibling behaviour without knowing a little something about the unique role played by this order of a sibling's birth.
It sometimes comes as a surprise to parents to realise that no two children are ever born into the exact same family. Keeping this in mind, let's take a brief look at the specific rungs on the sibling ladder.
The Firstborn Child
Baby number one is the only child, an infant of privilege, center of all attention.
Since the firstborn enjoys a central position, in which mother & father do not have to be shared with others, this can leave a positive, indelible stamp on the child's self-confidence & self-esteem. For the first years of his life, your firstborn is involved with child-parent relationships rather than child-child relationships. As a result, according to researcher Irving Harris, the firstborn's position "gives him a certain self-righteousness." Harris & others maintain that because this child's earliest memories have to do exclusively with adults, he or she will be more receptive to authority, more consistent, & morally more rigid. Firstborns tend to be more sure of themselves. Also, unlike younger siblings, they're inclined to fight stubbornly rather than make compromises.
But despite its privileges, the position of number one has its drawbacks, too. Mother & father are still inexperienced as parents, so they're more likely to make mistakes. They'll also be more anxious & uptight about their duties.
Parents are also, in many ways, stricter with the first child than with later ones. Because he or she is older, the firstborn is often expected to serve as a model to the others, to be more dependable, responsible & mature.
The arrival of a second baby & the "dethroning" of the first can be traumatic for an older child & calls for special adjustments that the second or third child won't have to make.
The Second Child
As we've noted, competition & rivalry between siblings is usually most intense when the kids are closer in age--where the span between them is three years or less. It also seems more pronounced when siblings are of the same sex.
In a two-sibling family, the older one almost always holds an edge, but the younger child can compensate by psychological means. Lacking the age advantage, fated to trail behind the older sibling, child number two may become adept at manipulating, at teasing, at egging on the older one.
Most second siblings profit from their parents' earlier mistakes, since father & mother have learned the hard way, by trial & error. The younger child feels pressure, of course, because the firstborn stays a few crucial jumps ahead. At the same time, living with this older role model can help a youngster advance much more rapidly. Thus second children often learn to play games or ride bikes or dress themselves at an earlier point.
Growing up under less restraint, with more relaxed parents, child number two also tends to be somewhat more free, more adventurous, less rigid about "the rules."
The Middle Child
Before baby number three arrived, the middle child was the youngest family member. In a way the firstborn was a "guinea pig," but with the second, mother & father have usually learned a lot about what & what not to do; so this child is spared a good bit of nervous fuss & anxiety. With the arrival of baby number three, parental attention shifts, freeing the middle child, to a degree, from some restrictions.
Just as the middle child can never reach the status of the older, so, too, he or she may never regain the love & attention that seem to be lavished on the younger. This may result in a lack of self-esteem for the middle child, & here again parents have a key responsibility. Their role can & must be to keep the middle child from feeling unfairly put upon or neglected. This doesn't take great amounts of time & effort, but it does take a little extra care, thought & sensitivity.
Depending on age & sex differences, the middle child may form a special bond with one or the other of the siblings. If the firstborn is a good bit older, the two younger sibs are apt to gravitate toward one another. If the ages between the first & second are close, these two will probably form a special relationship. Where there are four siblings, the two in the middle will often be closer--both in friendship & in rivalry.
The Youngest Child
Generally, the baby of the group tends to be overindulged & overprotected, which may foster dependency & a lack of self-reliance. Balancing this, the youngest child has one or more siblings to serve as physical examples & to help him or her learn & grow. By tagging along with the older kids, trying constantly to do what they do, the youngest often makes faster progress & gains valuable early experience.
Youngest children also tend to be friendlier & more gregarious than first or middle sibs & are popular with other children. Used to working with & relating to a range of ages, they're comfortable with their peers outside the family & take readily & easily to group activities. So while they may not always have a strong self-image, they are rarely withdrawn or loner types.
Researchers find that a boy baby with older sisters will have an easier time in relating to women later in life. Used to females in his family--& used to being indulged by them--he's generally relaxed & happy around women & can readily show warm, loving feelings. Similarly, a young girl with older brothers grows up feeling secure & well protected. In later years she usually gets along well with men; though her expectations, & possibly her demands, are high, she will value the males in her life & show affection for them easily.
COMPETITION--AND HOW TO DEAL WITH IT
Parents sometimes feel that knowing about sibling rivalry means they can prevent it. Although parents can & do play a part in easing & modifying conflicts, much of the competition between siblings can't be talked away, wished away, or reasoned away. So the parental role is really to help keep it within reasonable, healthy bounds.
The Many Faces of Competition
To begin with, we live in a highly competitive society. Human beings are instinctive achievers; from the beginning of history, people have tried to better themselves & their World.
Take one well-known example. In May 1953, Sir Edmund Hillary reached the top of the World's highest peak, Mount Everest. When asked why he decided to make the climb, he gave an answer that, though borrowed from an earlier mountaineer, was to become famous: "Because it was there." For Hillary that was reason enough. So, too, all of us try to master our personal Everests, & while our achievements may be less dramatic, the satisfactions are just as real.
On a simpler more basic level, your youngsters reflect this same striving, for each child, as he or she grows, mirrors the historic urge to improve & do better.
There are, of course, two faces of competitive behaviour. One is benign, the other hostile. For most kids competition is a process, not a matter of do-or-die victory. But there can be abuses, in most cases triggered by adult expectations.
We all know the sad stories of aggressive parents who drive their children mercilessly in sports to win, win, win at all costs.
Competition teaches a child how to play & win, & also how to lose. This last is critical, since all of us, in the course of time, must be able to accept defeat & roll with the punches. Striking a balance between these forces isn't easy. But it can be done when kids develop in an environment where they've seen adults winning & losing with good grace, & where the value emphasis is on playing the game as best one can, rather than on a blind, single-minded drive for victory.
Like all forms of competition, sibling competition has plus & minus sides. How can you as a parent encourage the positive aspects & minimise (or eliminate) the negative ones? Let's take a specific look at some basic areas.
Size & Strength
It's not a hard-&-fast rule, but older siblings are usually taller, stronger, more physically adept than their young brothers & sisters; & since kids are intensely conscious of age, size & physical prowess, this can lead to a mixture of envy & admiration.
As siblings grow, not much can be done about these natural gaps & differences. But parents can be supportive by reassuring the little ones that in time they, too, will be bigger & stronger. This may seem obvious, even trivial, but to a child it's extremely important to be reminded, "Remember how small you were last year? And look how much you've grown since then! Just be patient. Someday you'll be as big as Allen." These little reassurances are especially valued at times when an older sibling graduates to a new status level: Starting school, getting the first two-wheeler, growing a new tooth, & so on. Trivial, perhaps--but not to a child. Because young children, unlike adults, have a limited frame of reference on which to project the future. They really do need to be told what to expect, what to anticipate.
Older Siblings as Models
In most cases, a younger child will eagerly model his or her skills on the older one. For example, Tim, age twelve, is a guitar player who practices with his guitar. His nine-year-old brother, Phil, admired Tim & wants to imitate him. Tim can be encouraged to help Phil, starting him out on the easier songs & chords that are appropriate for his age.
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My Lord, I do not ask to stand
As king or prince of high degree;
I only pray that hand in hand
A child & I may come to Thee.
To teach a tender voice to pray,
Two childish eyes Thy face to see,
Two feet to guide in Thy straight way--
This fervently I ask of Thee.
O grant Thy patience to impart
Thy holy law, Thy words of truth;
Give, Lord, Thy grace, that my whole heart
May overflow with love for youth.
As step by step we tread the way,
Trusting, confident & free--
A child & I, day by day,
Find sweet companionship with Thee.
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Setting Limits
When siblings compete physically, parents can play a protective role if necessary. It's up to you to make sure that older children don't use their size advantage to bully or harm younger ones. Minor battling & roughhousing are part of life, but parents must, where necessary, set limits. This is especially true where competition veers toward physical abuse. This can be handled in part by a simple, straightforward rule: "Expressing how you feel is okay. Any time you really get mad, you can come & talk to me about it. I'll always listen. But in this family, there will be no hitting & no violence!"
What your children learn at home about values & personal behaviour will be carried through life & into the outside world. So it's essential to make clear that violence, whether hitting, punching, biting or kicking, are simply not allowed.
Violence can also take verbal forms. Vicious, cruel name-calling can be as harmful at times as physical blows & should be ruled out just as firmly. Of course you can't monitor everything your children say to each other, but when vicious language occurs in your hearing, don't hesitate to put a stop to it--& to have the name-caller apologise on the spot.
To Interfere, or Not to Interfere?
Sometimes it's best for parents not to interfere in sibling squabbles. Squabbling does help kids to work out day-to-day problems on their own--& they're usually successful at doing so.
When brothers & sisters play together & compete, they generally set up rules & regulations to their own satisfaction. This helps them act out social rules & polish their skills at communicating with one another. Setting rules, then arguing over them, then refining them, is normal for young competitors. There's no need for a parent to interfere unless specifically called on to settle a dispute--& here again, fairness is the watchword.
Of course, you'll have to interfere if things get out of hand & deteriorate into physical violence. But often, sensitive parents can anticipate blowups; they get to know the telltale signs that inevitably lead to unacceptable behaviour.
Physical rivalry is only one of the ways in which siblings satisfy the urge to compete with one another. Children who can't compete physically may compensate by trying to excel scholastically.
For example, nine-year-old Harriet can't throw a ball properly. Physically she's a bit clumsy & takes a lot of teasing from her older siblings, who are more athletically inclined. But Harriet is a good student; she concentrates on her schoolwork, does well, even begins to win scholastic competitions. This impresses her siblings & gives Harriet a needed boost.
As a parent of siblings, your job is to provide a balance, to apply common sense where needed, to try to keep certain patterns from becoming "runaways." From time to time, you might ask yourself, "Is this new interest (or skill or talent) being used only as compensation--something for her or him to hide behind?"
Let's look at our example & speculate:
Harriet, the good student, uses her school grades as compensation for her athletic shortcomings. She begins slowly to withdraw from other normal childhood games & activities, buries herself in her books, & is on her way to becoming a lonely school drudge.
A normal drive has taken a self-destructive turn, & some parental intervention is in order. But the watchword again is "handle with care." Some parents tend to worry excessively & overreact to their children's transient problems. But when your input is called for, remember that it should be timely & tactful.
Basically unsure of themselves, children often struggle to be accepted & admired for something they can do, rather than for who they are. Though this is a classic, fairly common attitude, it can be tempered by loving & understanding parents: Every child needs to know that he or she is worthy of respect as an individual, regardless of specific gifts, skills or talents.
Pinning Labels
We all know parents who hang tags on their kids: "He's the bookworm of the family" or "She's the smart one" or "He's the clumsy one--Mr. All Thumbs." There are also "the clown," "the shy type," "the slow learner," the actress," "the worrier," & so on. Whereas adults may use these terms half in jest, children tend to take them seriously. Labeling can be risky, since it helps to reinforce a child's own self-concept, often in a harmful way. A youngster who's constantly tagged at home as clumsy or sloppy or a slow learner will tend to become even more so. In this sense, the label becomes self-fulfilling prophecy.
Making Comparisons
"Look at your sister's room. Why can't you be neat & tidy like her?"
"Are you going to be as smart in school as your big brother?"
We all hear comments like these, or ones very similar. On the physical side, parents will compare siblings' eyes, hair, complexion, size & strength. Other comparisons may deal with children's talents, schoolwork, behaviour, & personality traits.
Of course it's hard for parents to avoid comparisons, but this kind of verbal game carries pitfalls, especially when comparisons are made in the child's hearing. A child's main job is to grow up whole, & the parent's role is to help & encourage this. But a parent who constantly makes comparisons creates obstacles to the process, because when one makes a comparison, one is actually making a judgment, in which one party usually suffers.
In a family of two siblings, in which one is constantly praised for looks, brains or behaviour in contrast to the other, the low man on the totem pole will draw obvious conclusions: That he or she is lacking in these praiseworthy qualities. The neglected one feels resentment & envy & in time may get discouraged & give up trying to improve.
"It's Mine!" "No, It's Mine!"
Siblings close in age will squabble over clothes; & all will battle over toys, games, books & the prerogatives of ownership, including that inevitable "biggest piece of cake."
A child's belongings are an extension of the child--& that includes the freedom to use & enjoy them. In family living, accepting this helps to build mutual respect. Let's say, for instance, that a four-year-old spends a lot of time laboring happily over a big construction of blocks with a friend. Then along comes a two-year-old sibling, who knocks the whole thing to the floor without a moment's thought--natural enough for a two-year-old, but we all know the familiar howls of indignation that will result! In this case, it isn't enough to remind the older sibling that his or her baby brother or sister is "too young to understand." The point is worth making, but it should be accompanied by steps to protect the older child from the younger one's unthinking actions. Siblings, regardless of age or place in the family, have to know that their rights will be guarded & protected; this in turn, teaches them how to respect the needs & rights of others.
Age Differences
It helps siblings to learn & accept that they can't always have everything their brothers or sisters have. As one mother of four kids put it, "Not every child's shoes wear out at the same time." Part of a child's maturing is seeing that indeed there are differences in age & size, & that this carries with it some prerogatives. Here it's basically a matter of reassuring the one who's left out with, "Bobby's big enough now to manage a two-wheeler, but it would be a little risky for you. Just be patient; we'll get you one later, when you're Bobby's age."
To Share or Not to Share
Having a special area to keep belongings is part of a sibling's self-identity. It symbolises his or her own special place in the family's scheme of things. So don't be upset if your siblings, who may share the same room, divide it carefully into "your half" & "my half." To you this may seem strange or silly, but to the kids involved it's a serious matter, a way of asserting their individuality. Sharing is important for growing children; but so are those highly prized rights of ownership.
AND BABY MAKES FOUR
Four-year-old Robert was a demanding & willful child, so his parents were naturally worried about how he'd react to a new sibling in the house. Of course, Robert had been carefully prepared. He had learned all about the coming event. He knew that mother had just given birth & that now he had a beautiful baby brother. At last mother, baby & the nurse came home from the hospital, & everyone was braced for trouble. But Robert surprised them all. He was quite calm & even showed moderate interest in the tiny infant. He stayed amiable for days, unruffled by the inevitable fuss surrounding the new arrival. Mother & father were delighted with his reaction & congratulated each other on having prepared him so well.
At the end of the week the baby nurse took her leave. With her suitcase packed, she said good-bye, gave Robert a farewell kiss, & started out the door. The little boy went racing after her. "Hey, lady," he called, "you forgot your baby!"
The arrival of a second child, as Robert abruptly discovered, is far from casual or temporary. The arrival of baby number two is a peak event filled with much joy & satisfaction, but it also brings numerous demands & challenges--physical, economic & emotional. As one psychologist has pointed out, the first baby is born to a couple, whereas the second baby is born to a family; & everything in the family constellation must shift & change to accommodate this new member.
The need to share parental concern & attention is a difficult concept for a young child to grasp. Young children think of love as a finite quantity. To a youngster's simple way of thinking, some of the love previously received will now be withdrawn & invested in another. Like a dish of ice cream or a glass of orange juice, if you give some to one, there's going to be less for the other. So it's a fact, & quite normal, that kids--especially younger ones--see the coming of a new baby as a threat to their position; to them the baby is a usurper & a disruption. The real key to eventual acceptance of the baby is showing your firstborn that parental love & care will not be withdrawn & that it continues for all.
Preparing Toddlers & Preschoolers
Every child has the right to know ahead of time about the arrival of a newcomer. The surprising news has to be assimilated, thought about, adjusted to.
A preschooler may ask questions about mother's changing shape or wonder why she's been getting tired or has to lie down often. If questions do come up, answering them provides a natural way to break the news. And it needn't be done with a lot of fanfare. It's enough to say, "We're going to have a baby in our family," or words to that effect. After that, you can play it by ear. If a youngster shows no more interest at this point, don't dwell on it. If there is some interest & curiosity, which is often the case, talk about it further. Many children are fascinated with feeling mother's belly & learning a little more about the subject of birth.
Naturally, as the birth draws nearer, it's awaited with much anticipation. The excitement should certainly be expressed & shared, but try not to oversell the big event. New babies do involve extra work, & for quite a while they won't be great fun as young playmates. You can be frank about this. Talk to your child about the baby's smallness & helplessness, the fact that it will probably cry a lot, that it will need a good bit of attention. It isn't fair to paint a glowing picture of endless fun & games immediately in store for an older sibling. On the other hand, you don't want to sound negative or apologise for the baby or suggest that a baby is nothing but a headache. So, as always, when you talk of all this with your youngster, try to strike a comfortable, common sense balance.
In general, there are three points to keep in mind when telling your firstborn about the impending birth:
1) Be frank, not secretive. Answer your child's questions honestly & simply, with tact & loving common sense.
2) Watch your "data input." Respond warmly to your child's interest, by all means, but don't overload the youngster with more details than he or she really wants or can handle.
3) Share with your preschooler your joyful expectations, but don't gush or grow overenthusiastic. It's unwise to paint an over-idealised, rosy picture that may lead to disillusionment.
Preparing for the new baby has a practical as well as emotional side. There will be baby clothes & other things to buy; living arrangements at home may have to be changed; & so on.
Here again, it helps to let your older child participate. Make sure your child understands that a place is being made for the new baby--but not at the expense of his own needs.
Bringing Baby Home:
The moment when you & baby come back from the hospital is bound to be a happy, exciting event for the whole family. But for all your assurance & loving attention, the older youngster is bound to be anxious about the new "intruder." So common sense says to temper your excitement a bit: Don't overplay baby's arrival. Conversely, don't underplay it by acting too casual. The point to make is that you're home at last, the family is together, & you're very happy to see your older child again.
Unless your firstborn specifically rejects the idea & ignores the newcomer, let him or her get to know the infant right from the start. Let the child touch the baby, help to unwrap it, & hold it--with supervision, of course.
Once again, keep in mind that the needs of your firstborn are as valid as the needs of your baby. Of course you'll be hard-pressed, in those first months, to take care of baby & also pay enough attention to your older child, but it can be done & is well worth the effort. Baby's needs are vital, but your time still has to be shared. So don't put off an older child's reasonable demands. Try to watch remarks like, "Tell me about it later," or "Can't you see I'm busy with the baby?" If your replies signal to the child that he is being neglected because of the baby, it only reinforces the budding feelings of sibling rivalry. So try not to link an older child's needs with baby's needs.
In the wake of your new baby, you're sure to have a tide of visitors anxious to see the infant & to bring gifts.
Some of the visiting, conversation, inevitable oohing & ahhing will take place without the older child present. But if your child is on hand, & the conversation seems to be exclusively about the baby, you can subtly bring your older child into it. Ask the child to show your guests his or her latest drawing or nursery school project. Mention how helpful he or she has been in assisting with the baby. In short, acknowledge your sibling as an individual with much to offer. All it takes is a comment such as "Sally's been so helpful with the baby. It made things a lot easier for us." Or, "You can't imagine how well Bobby managed while I was away. He's been terrific."
Jealousy
"We don't need a baby here."
Sometimes toddlers & preschoolers express their jealousy with frank & blunt comments. Sometimes the anger & resentment are hidden & will surface more subtly.
To a toddler the coming of a baby is simply (in his or her eyes) a security threat, & just as with adults, a threat of this sort can't help but arouse strong feelings. When a youngster acts up over the baby & causes difficulties, the child is really attempting to defend his or her emotional turf. In simple, crude ways, the sibling lashes out at circumstance. But these negative reactions can be eased, & some perhaps eliminated, by the wisdom & skill with which parents approach the subject.
"I'm a Baby, Too!":
Another reaction, familiar to many parents, is for a toddler or preschooler to regress into the actions of his or her own babyhood. The child may forget toilet training & begin to wet the bed. He or she may demand a bottle once more, begin to crawl, suck a thumb, or try to climb into the crib with the baby. The child may also have crying fits or temper tantrums.
These regressions serve a double purpose. In one sense they're a young child's attempt to draw parental attention away from the baby, by behaving disruptively: "If I pee in my pants, Mommy will have to leave the baby alone & take care of me."
Secondly, the child may make a bid for attention & love by trying to actually become a baby once more: "Mommy is always fussing with that baby, so I'll be a baby, too."
When treated by parents with patience & sensitivity, these problems tend to disappear within a short period. It's good to remember that growth in children is a jagged process--two steps forward, then back a step, or sometimes back two steps! Whatever the retrogression, don't shame or humiliate your child for acting babyish: "Stop acting like a baby; you're a big girl now," is perhaps the worst thing you can say to a child in such a situation. Once the older child adjusts to the infant intruder--& finds that he or she has not in fact been cast aside--the need to be a baby again diminishes. But these symptoms are rather touching. They point out to us again how desperately our little ones need constant adult support & affection.
Preparing the School-Age Child
Studies show that the greater the age gap between siblings, the less envy tends to be present. The greatest stress occurs where the first child is three or four years old or younger, at the time the second baby arrives. Where an older child is five, there are fewer tensions. And with a first child who is six, seven, eight or more, there's often less friction.
School age kids feel less dependent on Mother & Father, they feel more in control of their own lives. As a result, a new baby will be seen not as a dire threat but simply as an interesting, novel & sometimes annoying addition to the family circle.
But we have to keep in mind that school-age sibs are still children themselves. While they often behave calmly & responsibly, there will be jealousy too. A new baby is, after all, a disruption; family patterns & living space have to be changed, schedules rearranged, & time formerly spent with the older one must now be allocated to baby. So infants may have to be protected from the unthinking or careless behaviour of older children.
Conversely, when baby begins to crawl & walk, the older child may need protection from interference by the toddler!
PARENTS TALK ABOUT THE SECOND BABY
Laura T., mother of Allison, age seven, & Bruce, age twelve:
"I noticed that once a new child is born, parents look at the first child in a whole different way. The first child has been your baby right along--& suddenly that first child seems older. In the space of two days--before & after the birth--that little child will seem a lot bigger & stronger, suddenly capable of hurting the younger child. I mean, parents have said to me that they see their older child as a `menace'--suddenly capable of doing damage. And you can have very negative feelings toward this older child. So sibling rivalry, in a way, isn't all one-sided. It isn't just that the child might change--it's that the parents also might change in their perceptions of the first child. Parents do develop a very possessive feeling toward the new baby--they want to push everything away that comes between them. To me, this sets the stage for sibling rivalry as much as anything else. I think that's an important point.
"Another thing--I think kids have all sorts of expectations about the new baby, just as parents have expectations about what the family's supposed to be like when they have a second or a third child. You hear over & over that kids expect the baby to be a playmate or companion, & they're really angry that it isn't. So it might be a good idea to find out from the child what it is that they expect the baby to be like. Not to tell them, so much, as to just listen: `When we have a baby, after the baby's born, what do you think you'll do with the baby? Have you thought about what the baby's going to look like?' If you can find out first what they expect, then you can help them to be more realistic. Take them to see other people with new babies; they'll see that babies are really tiny & wrinkled, & everybody's going to go around saying, `The baby's so beautiful!' But the baby really isn't particularly beautiful to anyone else but the parents & relatives!"
LOVE IS NOT A COOKIE JAR
Sharing is a necessary part of everyday family life, & kids do learn to share various belongings & activities. But one of the hardest lessons for a young sibling to learn is that parental care & love also have to be shared with sisters & brothers. Why do they resist? Why do siblings compete so doggedly for mother's or father's complete & exclusive attention?
The image from a youngster's point of view is that of a cookie jar, & since a jar has limited capacity, its contents will eventually disappear. As sibling A sees it, every time Mommy or Daddy gives a cookie from the jar to sibling B, there will be one less cookie available for A. While this may seem oversimplified, it conveys the general thinking of many young children. As adults we can appreciate the uniqueness of parental love. We know that it is self-renewing & can never be "all used up." But this is a difficult concept for young children to grasp. Your role is to show each of your children that love isn't finite, that there's enough for all, that the "cookie supply" is indeed inexhaustible.
It isn't enough to say to an older child, "We love the baby, but we love you, too, just as much," if the older sibling is then ignored, & parental time & attention are focused entirely on the new infant.
One mother was taken to task for devoting all of her concern & effort to a new baby & neglecting her four-year-old, Tommy. She shrugged off the criticism with, "Oh, Tommy knows I love him." But one is tempted to ask, "How does he know?" Kids are sensitive to parental behaviour & quick to pick up & interpret unspoken messages. In this case--with mother's attention focused so obviously on the baby--Tommy may begin to feel that he no longer counts. Based on what he sees & senses, he may decide, rightly or not, that he's being shortchanged. To a four-year-old, hungry for his own share of attention, the message is that mother's love has been withdrawn & is now being invested elsewhere. The reaction is obvious: Tommy will become more & more disruptive & difficult in order to get attention, or he may withdraw into a shell of resentment.
A loving parent, no matter how busy, must find time for the needs of all the children in the family. In Tommy's case a special hug now & then, a little private conversation during breakfast or lunch, some minutes spent helping him with a new game or puzzle, can make all the difference. When father comes home from work, he might also give priority to a special visit with his son before getting involved with the baby. This becomes "Tommy's time," a little period set aside just for himself. This kind of attention--of consideration--tells the child that indeed he's valued & loved, along with the baby.
Trips & Vacations
The process of getting to your vacation spot has its own minor pitfalls. Whether by car, bus or plane, arguments often arise as to who will have the "best" seat. Squabbling about having the front or middle seat in a car is a well-known hassle in many families.
Some suggestions:
1) Agree beforehand on who will sit where, & for how long.
2) Agree on games that everyone can play.
3) If the youngest falls asleep, decide what the older sibs can play quietly.
4) Announce what places will be rest stops.
5) Announce that there will be periods of solitary & silent play.
6) Ask (& help) each child to pack his or her own tote bag, filled with favorite toys, games & books.
7) Be sure any necessary travel companions (stuffed toy, security blanket & so on) are included.
8) Pack a "survival bag" with items such as tissues, wet-wipes, Band-Aids, safety pins, thermos of juice, & snacks.
Get-Togethers/Visiting Relations
A family get-together may involve visiting relatives outside your own home. First, talk to your hosts ahead of time in order to:
1) Find out what other children will be present, & their ages.
2) Find out what the hosts want the kids to do, where they want them to play, to eat & so on.
3) Offer to bring games, toys or other contributions to your kids' enjoyment.
4) Offer any necessary information about your children, such as Penny's need to nap, Henry's shyness with strangers, Philip's food allergies, & so on.
5) If necessary, bring along any special food that may be needed.
Now talk to your own kids about their "visiting behaviour." Help them to accept the dictum, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do."
1) Assure shy Henry you'll be close by.
2) Discuss what Grandma (aunt, uncle, cousin) will expect of them. Polite hellos? No roughhousing indoors?
3) No fighting among themselves? Being friendly to other kids?
4) Clue them in to the various people they'll meet. Try to say positive things about Aunt Virginia, Cousin Joe, Uncle Russell. Reassure them that they won't have to spend all their time with the grown-ups.
5) If your children are old enough, they might also get a kick out of sketching a family tree.
If the occasion means that family members are coming to your house, use the same tips in planning with the children how to act as hosts.
Many families are lucky in having one or two favorite relations--cousins, aunts, uncles, even that special person who becomes an aunt or uncle by "adoption" because of their loving relationships with your children.
These favorite people take the role of surrogate parents at times & can often quell sibling outbursts more efficiently than anyone else. Why? Perhaps because the children don't want to lose the respect of this special adult. Maybe the children don't feel the usual pressures of day-to-day living with them. Or perhaps it's because aunt, uncle or cousin simply have stronger rules against squabbling.
Children do feel able to develop relationships with beloved family members such as Aunt Mary or Cousin Tom--relationships that differ from those they have with their own parents. Aunt Mary just seems to have more time to listen, to sympathise, to comfort. Cousin Tom always takes them on fascinating hikes or helps them to build airplane models & doll houses.
MATCHED SETS
Of all sib relationships, none is quite so novel & unique as that of twin children. They are a combination that is completely different from any other two siblings.
Before looking at these specific qualities & differences, let's note some definitions:
Identical twins are the result of a single egg that divided upon being fertilised. Identical twins, coming from the same genetic source, are always of the same sex.
Fraternal twins are the result of two separate eggs that are fertilised simultaneously & that then develop together in the womb. Fraternal twins may be of the same or opposite sexes.
Identical twins tend to look alike, sound alike, & to develop in similar ways. Identical twins have the same blood types, same facial features, same general coloring of eyes & hair, even the same kind of fingerprints. Fraternal twins, on the other hand, usually have definite physical differences. They may be of the same sex or of opposite sex, but in either case these two can be told apart fairly easily.
Advantages:
Whether identical or fraternal, twins have a built-in, ready-made companion--another person whose life experience is shared right from the womb itself. Twins generally like & accept each other, & (particularly in the early years) have a relationship with less friction & squabbling than do non-twin siblings. If there are other kids in the family, either younger or older, twins are usually less involved with them & content to be with each other. In their world, "two's company" is an adage with real meaning.
Twins also have the experience of consistent sharing. Whereas single children in the birth order have to learn to share with their siblings, this comes naturally to twins. From the moment of birth they will share parents & parental security. Later, as they grow, they will share the problems of childhood & can face the outside world as a team. This intimate relationship, plus the uniqueness of their status, gives twins an added level of strength. But it isn't an unmixed blessing. Being in a close sibling twosome does have its drawbacks as well.
Disadvantages:
Twins are almost always being compared with each other. However well-meaning & enthusiastic it may be, this constant comparison--measuring one twin against the other--is a form of judgment & can heighten feelings of jealousy & competition.
Because twins are constantly together & follow their natural urge to share most growing experiences, they often develop great dependency on each other & may feel insecure when separated. In some cases, young twins will cry & express deep anxiety when apart, even for a short while. Although these are extreme examples, they point up pitfalls.
Twins & Sibling Rivalry
Young twin children are like kids everywhere. They have the same need for parental affection, self-esteem, a sense of achievement--also the same stirrings of jealousy & rivalry.
Because they are twins, they may be expected to share many toys & possessions; but a constant need to share everything can cause anger & intensify the rivalry. So it's important, where possible, to see that each twin has his or her own separate playthings in addition to those that are used jointly.
Between twins, there is another significant variation on the typical themes of sibling rivalry. Since there's no age difference, & the twins will share experiences more or less jointly, there's no envy based on the privileges that accompany childhood age spans. With fraternal twins, both are old enough at the same time to ride a bike, to start nursery school, to stay up later at night, & so on. This tends to reduce friction between these siblings.
The Parent's Role
For parents, the challenge here, as in any sibling situation, is to treat each child in the family as fairly as possible--& as an individual. Experts in child rearing at the Princeton Center for Infancy advise against giving twins cute names that rhyme. Nor, they say, should parents dress these youngsters exactly alike or expect them to share identical toys, friends, & so on.
In general, twins should be encouraged as far as possible to develop their own likes, dislikes, friends, abilities & interests. Authorities at the Princeton Center for Infancy sum it up simply: "Parents should react to each child as a separate entity, & avoid viewing their twins as a set."
Parents of twins also have a special responsibility toward the single siblings in the family--to see that they aren't short-changed when it comes to affection & that their lives aren't overshadowed by the excitement of a multiple birth. Once the immediate fuss & enthusiasm quiet down, attention--in fact, extra attention--can be paid to the other children, who now more than ever will need to know & feel that they are indeed loved, important members of the family circle.
SINGLE PARENTS & SIBLING RIVALRY
Thomas L., a divorced father living in New York, says,
"Wendy & I split up a little over two years ago, when Jamie was five & Leslie was eight. Neither Wendy nor I have remarried as yet. The kids now live with their mother; I have them on alternate weekends & for part of every summer. We get along very well--I've always managed to stay close to them--but I noticed some subtle changes during that first year. The kids battled a good bit when we were all together & they still fight a lot; but after Wendy & I broke up, it seems to me that they vied more to get my attention. Maybe it was because they didn't see me as much, or whatever. But they did compete constantly to sit next to me, talk to me, & so on."
Some newly divorced parents report reactions similar to the one just cited. In these homes, rivalry between siblings tends to intensify, especially in competing for a parent's attention. It's almost as if each child, shaken by the split, inevitably feeling less secure, works harder to acquire a bigger "piece" of the parent on the scene & is more alert to any threat to those rights. So there may be increased competition for the love & approval of each individual parent.
In other cases, the opposite reaction takes place. Many divorced parents report that, for a while at least, there is a lessening of rivalry. These children establish a kind of dtente, joining forces & strengths to face a world that suddenly appears unstable. Where adult discord prior to the breakup was especially harsh, with loud & bitter arguments, this kind of sibling alliance is understandably more intense. At such times, children may--& do--turn to each other for a degree of stability & support, allowing their own discords to fade.
Both these reactions tend to pass; it's well to remember that the first few months are the hardest. Gradually, as new arrangements are made, as life goes on, as kids realise that the World hasn't ended after all, normalcy returns.
STEPPARENTS
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are thirty-five million adults in America now living in stepfamily relationships. And due to the pattern of divorce & remarriage, over a thousand new stepfamilies with young children are being created every day. In addition, there are many households where children share one parent & the parent's live-in companion, an arrangement closely paralleling remarriage. As all these adults struggle to build new lives & new family relationships, their experiences produce fresh insights into problems of child rearing & sibling rivalry.
"I don't have to listen to you--you're not my real father!"
"Mommy's new husband always sticks up for his kids, & never for us."
"Why do I have to love her or be nice to her? She isn't my real sister anyway."
Comments like these are only the tip of the stepfamily iceberg, but they accent the difficulties that arise when adults remarry & bring their children from previous unions. Ideally everyone wants, & hopes for, harmony & happiness in the new family constellation. In reality--& this includes areas of sibling rivalry--unexpected stresses & strains can develop that have to be dealt with frankly, honestly & at times with almost superhuman patience.
Building a stepfamily with solid, satisfying relationships is certainly hard work, but the end goals are attainable, & the process can be helped if certain principles are kept in mind.
Instant Love: First & foremost, there must be an acceptance of the fact that instant love is neither likely nor logical; to expect it to be is naive. If love isn't a cookie jar, it isn't a light switch either, which can be clicked on or off at will. Affection, trust, warmth of feeling--all of these have to be nurtured gradually; they take time to grow & develop, particularly among young stepchildren. After all, there's no real reason why the kids of one parent should feel instant, automatic affection for the kids of another. On the contrary, young children often greet these new combinations with anxiety, suspicion, & in many cases, plain hostility.
In time rivalry usually sorts itself out & simmers down to acceptable levels, but a lot depends on the fairness & patience of the adults involved & the ability of parents to be realistic in their expectations.
The Role of the Stepparent: Just as instant love is a fantasy ideal in stepfamilies, so too, is the concept of instant parent. One father, recently remarried to a woman with children of her own, said, "I thought that being a good parent wasn't easy, but it's child's play compared with being a good stepparent."
The role of stepparent is a much more self-conscious one than the role of parent: It's difficult for stepparents to behave spontaneously, since they are so constantly aware of being tested by friends, relatives, spouse & the children themselves. The role of stepmother is perhaps the most difficult of all, since she often feels that her performance is being watched & judged. As a result, she must become a "supermom" in order to succeed.
It's harder for a stepfather to break up a fight between his own child & a stepchild without risking an accusation of favouritism--& deep down this adult may indeed question his own motives. Conversely, this same parent, fearful of playing favourites, may be unduly harsh with his own kids while leaning over backward to be lenient & permissive with his stepchildren.
Dealing with, & overcoming, these dilemmas calls for patience & perseverance. There are no shortcuts or easy answers, but it can be done. Stepparents need to realise that theirs is indeed a special role, different from the role of natural parents. As a result, stepparents do have to work harder to win the kind of acceptance & approval of their stepchildren that natural parents simply take for granted. One stepmother, with many years of trial-&-error experience, sums it up:
"I'm not my stepchildren's real mother--I know it & they know it. But they also know that we have certain rules, simple rules, about living together in one household. Their father & I expect them to live up these rules, & they expect me to treat them fairly. And we've found that when we cooperate honestly with one another, it works out fine."
ADDING IT UP
Throughout these pages, various guidelines have been given to help parents understand & deal with sibling conflicts. At this point, let's review some of the more important of these suggestions:
1) It's normal for siblings to compete. Rivalry helps them to learn about themselves & to test their strengths & weaknesses.
2) Don't always look for, or expect to find, logical "reasons" for squabbling. A good deal of sibling rivalry is instinctive. When two sibs squabble over a toy or a cookie, it's not the object as such that really matters. That cookie often symbolises a child's hunger to acquire his or her "fair share in life."
3) Underlying many surface squabbles is the sibling's deep, intense need for parental love & attention--an important reason why parents should lavish their affections as much as possible on each child as a unique individual.
4) In most cases, it's best for parents to stay out of sibling arguments. When kids work through their own squabbles & settle their quarrels by themselves, they gain confidence & self-reliance. And this, of course, helps to prepare them for the World they'll face as adults.
5) One clear exception to the noninterference rule is in the case of violence. Parents should tolerate no violence, either physical or verbal, among their siblings. This rule should be established early & enforced firmly.
6) Inevitably, parents will be called on at times to act as referees & to settle disputes. Where a parental decision does have to be made, keep it simple & as fair as possible. But a parent should also remember that it's impossible to please everyone. There's no such thing as being one hundred percent fair all the time, in every situation.
7) Parents should avoid a pattern of making comparisons between their children. A comparison is a judgment; both sides usually lose, & no sibling has ever changed his or her behaviour in order to "be just like" a favoured sister or brother.
8) Having to share is important, but every sib has a right to his or her very own possessions & a proper place to keep them. And these rights should be respected by all the members of the family.
9) The arrival of a new baby is bound to be stressful for the older child or children. While baby's needs obviously are very urgent, this shouldn't signal neglect or indifference to the needs of the other siblings--emotional as well as physical.
10) Age, sex & birth order all play a part in child development. No two kids are ever born into exactly the same family & no two kids develop & grow at exactly the same pace--facts to keep in mind when evaluating your siblings or pushing them to live up to your expectations.
11) A stepparent often faces greater emotional pressure than a natural parent, because the role is a self-conscious one. Stepparents have to guard against instinctively favouring or protecting their own children; conversely, they shouldn't lean over backward, favouring the stepchildren to show how "impartial" they are. The truly fair approach is to treat each child honestly--& according to his or her individual needs & nature.
12) In dealing with siblings & sibling rivalry, it's important to keep in mind that parental love is not a fixed quantity or a substance that can be doled out in measured amounts, spoonful by spoonful. Each child is indeed unique & needs to feel his or her own individuality. "Fairness" & "sameness" are not always identical; each unique child has his or her own different needs.
Each family sets its own individual tone & has its own problems, needs & special concerns. But one thing that's shared by all of us is a need to live together & to interact with others in the same household. Home is the place where we help to create our children's future. And the quality of our love, our tact, & our understanding can do a lot toward making this future more viable, more fulfilling, more successful.
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The soul of a child is the loveliest flower
That grows in the garden of God.
Its climb is from weakness to knowledge & power,
To the sky from the clay & the clod.
To beauty & sweetness it grows under care,
Neglected, 'tis ragged & wild.
'Tis a plant that is tender, but wondrously rare,
The sweet, wistful soul of a child.
Be tender, O gardener, & give it its share
Of moisture, of warmth & of light,
And let it not lack for the painstaking care,
To protect it from frost & from blight.
A glad day will come when its bloom shall unfold,
It will seem that an Angel has smiled,
Reflecting a beauty & sweetness untold
In the sensitive soul of a child.
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