THE STRONG-WILLED ADOLESCENT--Is There Any Other Kind?--By James Dobson
Alas, we arrive now at the door of adolescence: That dynamic time of life which comes in with a pimple & goes out with a beard--those flirtatious years when girls begin to powder & boys begin to puff. It's an exciting phase of childhood, I suppose, but to be honest, I wouldn't want to stumble through it again. I doubt that the reader would either. We adults remember all too clearly the fears & jeers & tears that represented our own tumultuous youth. Perhaps that is why parents begin to quake & tremble when their children approach the adolescent years. (By the way, have you heard of the new wristwatch created exclusively for the anxious parents of teenagers? After 11 p.m. it wrings its hands every fifteen minutes.)
It would be a great mistake to imply that I have immediate answers to every problem faced by the perplexed parents of adolescents. I recognise my own limitations & willingly admit that it is often easier to write about teenage turmoil than it is to cope with it in real life. Whenever I'm tempted to become self-important & authoritative on this or any other subject, I'm reminded of what the mother whale told her baby: "When you get to the top & start to `blow', that's when you get harpooned!" With that admonition in mind, let me humbly offer several suggestions which may be helpful in coping with the strong willed adolescent.
A Teenager Is Often Desperately in Need of Respect & Dignity. Give Him These Gifts!
The period of early adolescence is typically a painful time of life, marked by rapid physical & emotional changes. This characteristic difficulty was expressed by a senior school boy who had been asked to recite Patrick Henry's historic speech at a Bicentennial programme in 1976. But when the young man stood nervously before an audience of parents, he became confused & blurted out, "Give me puberty or give me death!" His statement is not as ridiculous as it sounds. Many teens sincerely believe they must choose between those dubious alternatives.
The thirteenth & fourteenth years commonly are the most difficult twenty-four months in life. It is during this time that self-doubt & feelings of inferiority reach an all-time high, amidst the greatest social pressures yet experienced. An adolescent's worth as a human being hangs precariously on peer group acceptance, which is notoriously fickle. Thus, relatively minor evidences of rejection or ridicule are of major significance to those who already see themselves as fools & failures. It is difficult to overestimate the impact of having no one to sit with on the school-sponsored bus trip, or of not being invited to an important event, or of being laughed at by the "in" group, or of waking up in the morning to find seven shiny new pimples on your bumpy forehead, or of being slapped by the girl you thought had liked you as much as you liked her. Some boys & girls consistently face this kind of social catastrophe throughout their teen years. They will never forget the experience.
The self-esteem of an early adolescent is also assaulted in the Western culture by his youthful status. All of the highly advertised adult privileges & vices are forbidden to him because he is "too young." He can't drive or marry or drink or smoke or work or leave home. And his sexual desires are denied gratification at a time when they scream for release. The only thing he is permitted to do, it seems, is stay in school & read his dreary textbooks. This is an overstatement, of course, but it is expressed from the viewpoint of the young man or woman who feels disenfranchised & insulted by society. Much of the anger of today's youth is generated by their perception of this "injustice."
Dr. Urie Bronfenbrenner, eminent authority on child development at Cornell University, has also identified the period of early adolescence as the most destructive years of life. He expressed these concerns in a taped interview with Susan Byrne, subsequently published in Psychology Today, May 1977.
In that article, Bronfenbrenner recalled being asked during a U.S. Senate hearing to indicate the most critical years in a child's development. He knew that the Senators expected him to emphasise the importance of preschool experience, reflecting the popular notion that all significant learning takes place during the first six years of life. However, Bronfenbrenner said he agreed that the preschool years are vital, but so is every other phase of childhood. In fact, he told the Senate committee that the pre-teen years are probably the most critical to the development of a child's mental health. It is during this period of self-doubt that the personality is often assaulted & damaged beyond repair. Consequently, said Bronfenbrenner, it is not unusual for healthy, happy children to enter senior school but then emerge several years later as broken, discouraged teenagers.
I couldn't agree more emphatically with Bronfenbrenner's opinion at this point. At this age schoolchildren are typically brutal to one another, attacking & slashing a weak victim in much the same way a pack of wolves kill & devour a deformed deer. Few events stir my righteous indignation more than seeing a vulnerable child--fresh from the hand of the Creator in the morning of his life--being taught to hate himself & despise his physical body & wish he had never been born. I am determined to give my assistance to those boys & girls who desperately need a friend during this period of intensive self-doubt.
Not only do I remember the emotional conflicts of my own early adolescence, but I have had ample opportunity since then to observe this troubled time of life in others. I was privileged to teach in schools from 1960 to 1963, & two of those profitable years were spent at the young adolescent level. I taught science & math to 225 rambunctious troops each day, although I learned much more from them than they did from me. There on the firing line is where my concepts of discipline began to solidify. The workable solutions were validated & took their place in a system I know to be practical. But the lofty theories dreamed up by grandmotherly educators exploded like so much TNT when tested on the battlefield each day.
One of the most important lessons of those years related to the matter of low self-esteem, which we have been discussing. It became clear to me very early that I could impose all manner of discipline & strict behavioural requirements on my students, provided I treated each young person with genuine dignity & respect. I earned their friendship before & after school, during lunch, & through classroom encounters. I was tough, especially when challenged, but never discourteous, mean, or insulting. I defended the underdog & tenaciously tried to build each child's confidence & self-respect. However, I never compromised my standards of deportment. Students entered my classroom without talking each day. They did not chew gum, or behave disrespectfully, or curse or stab one another with ball point pens. I was clearly the captain of the ship & I directed it with military zeal. The result of this combination of kindness & firm discipline stands as one of the most pleasant memories of my professional life.
If you can communicate respect & dignity to your oppressed & harassed teenagers, then many of the characteristic discipline problems of adolescence can be circumvented. That is, after all, the best way to deal with people of any age.
Let's look now at the second suggestion which can be, in effect, a means of implementing the first.
Verbalise Conflicts & Re-Establish the Boundaries
There is often an irrationality associated with adolescence which can be terribly frustrating to parents. Let me offer an illustration which may explain the problem.
A student graduated from medical school in Los Angeles a few years ago & was required as part of his practical training to spend a few weeks working in a psychiatric hospital. However, he was given little orientation to the nature of mental illness & he mistakenly thought he could "reason" his patients back to a world of reality. One schizophrenic inmate was particularly interesting to him, because the man believed himself to be dead.
"Yes, it's true," the patient could tell anyone who asked. "I'm dead. Been dead for years."
The graduate couldn't resist trying to "talk" the schizophrenic out of his fantasy. Therefore, he sat down with the patient & said, "I understand you think you're dead. Is that right?"
"Sure is," replied the inmate. "I'm deader than a doornail."
The graduate continued, "Well, tell me this, do dead people bleed?"
"No, of course not," answered the schizophrenic, sounding perfectly sane. The graduate then took the patient's hand in his own & stuck a needle into the fleshy part of his thumb. As the blood oozed from the puncture, the schizophrenic gasped & exclaimed, "Well, what do you know! Dead people do bleed!"
There may be times when the reader will find himself holding similar "conversations" with his uncomprehending adolescent. These moments usually occur while trying to explain why he must be home by a certain hour--or why he should keep his room straight--or why he can't have the car on Friday night--or why it doesn't really matter that he wasn't invited to the smashing party given by the school sweetheart, Helen Highschool. These issues defy reason, responding instead to the dynamic emotional, social, & chemical forces which propel them.
On the other hand, we can't afford to abandon our communicative efforts just because parents & teens have difficulty understanding one another. We simply must remain "in touch" during these turbulent years. This is especially true for the pleasant & happy child who seemingly degenerates overnight into a sour & critical fourteen-year-old anarchist (a common phenomenon). Not only are parents distressed by this radical change, but the child is often worried about it too. He may be confused by the resentment & hostility which has become so much a part of his personality. He clearly needs the patient reassurance of a loving parent who can explain the "normality" of this agitation & help him ventilate the accumulated tension.
But how can this be accomplished? 'Tis a difficult question to answer. The task of prying open the door of communication with an angry adolescent can require more tact & skill than any other assignment in parenthood. The typical reaction by mothers & fathers is to be drawn into endless verbal battles that leave them exhausted but without strategic advantages. There has to be a better way of communicating than shouting at one another. Let me propose an alternative that might be workable in this situation.
For purposes of illustration, suppose that Brian is now fourteen years old & has entered a period of rebelliousness & defiance as described above. He is breaking rules right & left, & seems to hate the entire family. He becomes angry when his parents discipline him, of course, but even during tranquil times he seems to resent them for merely being there. Last Friday night he arrived home an hour beyond his deadline, but refused to explain why he was late or make apologetic noises. What course of action would be best for his parents to take?
Let's assume that you are Brian's father. I would recommend that you take him out one Saturday morning, leaving the rest of the family at home. It would be best if this event could occur during a relatively quiet period in family relationships. Admit that you have some important matters to discuss with him which can't be communicated adequately at home, but don't "show your hand" before Saturday morning. Then at the appropriate moment convey the following messages (or an adaptation thereof):
A. Brian, I wanted to talk to you this morning because of the changes that are taking place in you & in our home. We both know that the past few weeks have not been very pleasant. You have been angry most of the time & have become disobedient & rude. And your mother & I haven't done so well either. We've become irritable & we've said things that we've regretted later. This is not what God wants of us as parents, or of you as our son. There has to be a more creative way of solving our problems. That's why we're all here.
B. As a place to begin, Brian, I want you to understand what is happening. You have gone into a new period of life known as adolescence. This is a final phase of childhood, & it is often a very stormy & difficult few years. Nearly everyone on Earth goes through these rough years during their early teens, & you are right on schedule at this moment. Many of the problems you face today were predictable from the day you were born, simply because growing up has never been an easy thing to do. There are even greater pressures on young folk today than when we were young. I've said that to tell you this: We understand you & love you as much as we ever did, even though the past few months have been difficult in our home.
C. What is actually taking place, you see, is that you have had a taste of freedom. You are tired of being a little boy who was told what to wear & when to go to bed & what to eat. That is a healthy attitude which will help you grow up. However, now you want to be your own boss & make your own decisions without interference from anyone. Brian, you will get what you want in a very short time. You are fourteen now, & you'll soon be fifteen & seventeen & nineteen. You will be grown in a twinkling of an eye, & we will no longer have any responsibility for you. The day is coming when you will marry whomever you wish, go to whatever college you like, select the profession or job that suits you. Your mother & I will not try to make those decisions for you. We will respect your adulthood. Furthermore, Brian, the closer you get to those days, the more freedom we plan to give you. You have more privileges now than you had last year, & that trend will continue. We will soon set you free, & you will be accountable only to God & yourself.
D. But, Brian, you must understand this message: You are not grown yet. During the past few weeks, you have wanted your mother & me to leave you alone--to let you stay out half the night if you chose--to fail in school--to carry no responsibility at home. And you have "blown up" whenever we have denied even your most extreme demands. The truth of the matter is, you have wanted us to grant you twenty-year-old freedom during this fourteenth year, although you still expect to have your shirts ironed & your meals fixed & your bills paid. You have wanted the best of both worlds with none of the responsibilities. So what are we to do? The easiest thing would be for us to let you have your way. There would be no rows & no conflict & no more frustration. Many parents of fourteen-year-old sons & daughters have done just that. But we must not yield to this temptation. You are not ready for that complete independence, & we would be showing hatred for you (instead of love) if we surrendered at this time. We would regret our mistake for the rest of our lives, & you would soon blame us, too. And as you know, you have two younger sisters who are watching you very closely, & must be protected from the things you are teaching them.
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Four magic words, "we can't afford it," should be a part of every child's education. A child who has never heard those words--or also has never been forced to abide by their meaning--has surely been cheated by his parents. As exercise strengthens the body, frugality strengthens the spirit. Without its occasional discipline, character suffers.
--Morris Mandel
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E. Besides, Brian, God has given us a responsibility as parents to do what is right for you, & He is holding us accountable for the way we do that job. I want to read you an important passage from the Bible which describes a father named Eli who did not discipline & correct his two unruly teenage sons. (Read the dramatic story from 1 Sam.2:12-17, 22-25, 27-34; 3:11-14; 4:1-3 & 10-22.) It is very clear that God was angry at Eli for permitting his sons to be disrespectful & disobedient. Not only did He allow the sons to be killed in battle, but He also punished their father for not accepting his parental responsibilities. This assignment to parents can be found throughout the Bible: Mothers & fathers are expected to train their children & discipline them when required. What I'm saying is that God will not hold us blameless if we let you behave in ways that are harmful to yourself & others.
F. That brings us to the question of where we go from this moment. I want to make a pledge to you, here & now: Your mother & I intend to be more sensitive to your needs & feelings than we've been in the past. We're not perfect, as you well know, & it is possible that you will feel we have been unfair at one time or another. If that occurs, you can express your views & we will listen to you. We want to keep the door of communication standing wide open between us. When you seek a new privilege, I'm going to ask myself this question, "Is there any way I can grant this request without harming Brian or other people?" If I can permit what you want in good conscience, I will do so. I will compromise & bend as far as my judgment will let me.
G. But hear this, Brian. There will be a few matters that cannot be compromised. There will be occasions when I will have to say "no." And when those times come, you can expect me to stand like the Rock of Gibraltar. No amount of violence & temper tantrums & door slamming will change a thing. In fact, if you choose to fight me in those remaining rules, then I promise that you will lose dramatically. You may think you're too big & grown up to spank, but I can still make you uncomfortable. I have the courage & the determination to do my job during these last few years you are at home, & I intend to use all of my resources for this purpose, if necessary. So it's up to you. We can have a peaceful time of cooperation at home, or we can spend this last part of your life with us in unpleasantness & struggle. Either way, you will arrive home when you are told, & you will carry your share of responsibility in the family & you will continue to respect your mother & me.
H. Finally, Brian, let me emphasise the message I gave you in the beginning. We love you more than you can imagine, & we're going to remain friends during this difficult time. There is so much pain in the World today. Life involves disappointment & loss & rejection & aging & sickness & ultimately death. You haven't felt much of that discomfort yet, but you'll taste it soon enough. So with all that heartache outside our door, let's not bring more of it on ourselves. We need each other. We need you, & believe it or not, you still need us occasionally. And that, I suppose, is what we wanted to convey to you this morning. Let's make it better from now on.
I. Do you have things that need to be said to us?
The content of this message should be modified to fit individual circumstances & the needs of particular adolescents. Furthermore, the responses of children will vary tremendously from person to person. An "open" boy or girl may reveal his deepest feelings at such a moment of communication, permitting a priceless time of catharsis & ventilation. On the other hand, a stubborn, defiant, proud adolescent may sit immobile with head downward. But even if your teenager remains stoic or hostile, at least the cards have been laid on the table & parental intentions explained.
We must deal now with the child who listens to these parental messages but then defiantly chooses to fight it out, anyway.
Link Behaviour with Desirable & Undesirable Consequences
As stated in the preceding section, one of the most common mistakes of parenthood is to be drawn into verbal battles with our children which leave us exhausted but without strategic advantage. Let me say it again: Don't yield to this impulse. Don't argue with your teenager. Don't subject him to perpetual threats & finger-wagging accusations & insulting indictments. And most important, don't nag him endlessly. Adolescents hate to be nagged by "mummy" & "daddy"! When that occurs, they typically "protect" themselves by appearing deaf. Thus, the quickest way to terminate all communication between generations is to follow a young person around the house, repeating the same monotonous messages of disapproval with the regularity of a cuckoo clock.
During the 1950s a popular rock & roll song clearly expressed this kind of harassment of a teenager by his nagging parents. It was entitled, appropriately,"Yakety Yak (Don't Talk Back)" & was recorded initially by the Coasters.
Take out the papers & the trash
or you don't get no spending cash;
If you don't scrub that kitchen floor
you ain't gonna rock & roll no more.
Yakety Yak (Don't talk back)!
Just finish cleaning up your room
let's see that dust fly with that broom.
Get all that garbage out of sight
or you don't go out Friday night.
Yakety Yak (Don't talk back)!
You just put on your coat & hat
and walk yourself to the laundry mat.
And when you finish doing that
Bring in the dog & put out the cat.
Yakety Yak (Don't talk back)!
Don't give me no dirty looks;
Your father's hip, he knows what cooks.
Just tell your hoodlum friends outside
You ain't got time to take a ride.
Yakety Yak (Don't talk back)! Yakety Yak
Yakety Yak
If Yakety-yaking is not the answer, then what is the proper response to slovenliness, disobedience, defiance, & irresponsibility? That question takes us back to the threat, implied to Brian, that his father would make him "miserable" if he did not cooperate. Don't let the news leak out, but the tools available to implement that promise are relatively weak. Since it is generally unproductive to spank a teenager, parents can try to manipulate environmental circumstances when discipline is required. They have the keys to the family car & can allow their son or daughter to use it (or be chauffeured in it). They may grant or withhold privileges, including permission to go to the beach or to go climbing or to a friend's house or to a party. They control the family purse & can choose to share it or loan it or dole it or close it. They can "ground" their adolescent or deny him the use of the telephone or television for awhile.
Now obviously, these are not very influential "motivators," & are at times totally inadequate for the situation at hand. After we have appealed to reason & cooperation & family loyalty, all that remains are relatively weak methods of "punishment." We can only link behaviour of our kids with desirable & undesirable consequences & hope the connection will be of sufficient influence to elicit their cooperation.
If that sounds pretty wobbly-legged, let me admit what I am implying: A wilful, angry, sixteen-year-old boy or girl can win a confrontation with his parents today, if worst comes to worst. The law leans ever more in the direction of emancipation of the teenager. He can leave home in many areas & avoid being returned. He can drink & smoke pot & break many other laws before he is punished by society. His girl friend can obtain birth control pills without her parents' knowledge or permission, & if that fails, she can slip into a clinic for an unannounced abortion. Very few "adult" privileges & vices can be denied a teenager who has the passion for independence & a will to fight.
How different was the situation when Billy was raised on the farm in days of old, living perhaps eight or ten miles by horseback from the home of his nearest contemporary. His dad, Farmer Brown, impressed by his own authority, could "talk sense" to his rebellious boy without the interference of outside pressures. There is no doubt that it was much easier for father & son to come to terms while sitting on a plough at the far end of Forgotten Field.
But today, every spark of adolescent discontent is fanned into a smouldering flame. The grab for the teenager's money has become big business, enticing magazines, record companies, radio, television, & concert entrepreneurs to cater to each youthful whim. And, of course, masses of young people congregate idly in the city & patronise those obliging companies. They have become a force to be considered. Recently 2500 youngsters "crashed" a party given in my neighbourhood, strewing beer cans & broken glass up & down the streets. When a senior police officer was asked why he didn't break up the disturbance, he replied, (as accurately as I can remember):
"What were we to do? There were twenty-four policemen against 2500 kids. We made a few arrests, but each student seized had to be escorted to the station by two men. It was just not feasible to control the entire mob. Furthermore, it is not illegal to stand in a crowd of young people. Before taking any action, we had to witness a specific offence being committed there in the dark, & then catch the particular person responsible. The rest of the crowd considered policemen to be enemies, of course, & interfered with the apprehensions. All in all, it was an impossible assignment."
If policemen are unable to control teenagers today, then parents are in an even more delicate position. Unless their sons & daughters have an inner tug towards cooperation & responsibility, the situation can get bloody very quickly. But where does that voice of restraint originate? It has been my contention that the early years of childhood are vital to the establishment of respect between generations. This book, in effect, is devoted to helping parents of strong willed children create a relationship of love & control during the preteen years that will contribute towards adolescent sanity. Without that foundation--without a touch of awe in the child's perception of his parent--then the balance of power & control is definitely shifted towards the younger combatant. I would be doing a disservice to my readers if I implied otherwise.
On the other hand, we must do the best job we can during the teen years, even if that foundation has not been laid. Our avowed purpose in that situation is to prevent the emerging adult from making costly errors with lifetime implications, including drug addictions, school failure, alcoholism, etc. There may be occasions when these serious threats require a radical response by mothers & fathers.
My parents were once in that position. When I was sixteen years old, I began to play some "games" which they viewed with alarm. I had not yet crossed the line into all-out rebellion, but I was definitely leaning in that direction. My father was a minister who was travelling consistently during that time, & when my mother informed him of my sudden defiance, he reacted decisively. He cancelled his three-year speaking schedule & accepted a pastoral assignment which permitted him to be home with me for my last two years in school. He sold our home & moved the family seven hundred miles south to give me a fresh environment, new friends, & the opportunity to hunt & fish. I didn't know that I had motivated this relocation, but now I understand my parents' reasoning & appreciate their caring enough to sacrifice their home, job, friends, & personal desires, just for my welfare. This was one way they revealed their love for me at a critical stage of my development.
The story does not end there, of course. It was difficult making new friends in a strange school. I was lonely & felt out of place in a town that failed to acknowledge my arrival. My mother sensed this feeling of friendlessness & in her characteristic way, was "hurting" with me. One day after we had been in the new community for about two weeks, she took my hand & pressed a piece of paper into the palm. She looked in my eyes & said, "This is for you. Don't tell anybody. Just take it & use it for anything you want. It isn't much, but I want you to get something that looks good to you."
I unfolded the "paper," which turned out to be a twenty-dollar note. It was money that my mother & father didn't have, considering the cost of the move & the small salary my dad was to be paid. But no matter, I stood at the top of their list of priorities during those stormy days. We all know that money won't buy friends & twenty dollars (even then) did not change my life significantly. Nevertheless, my mother used that method of saying to me, "I feel what you feel: I know it's difficult right now, but I'm your friend & I want to help." Every troubled teen should be so fortunate as to have parents who are still pulling for him & praying for him & feeling for him, even when he has become most unlovable!
In summary, I have been suggesting that parents be willing to take whatever corrective action is required, but to avoid nagging, moaning, groaning, & growling when possible. Anger does not motivate teenagers! How foolish it is, for example, for the vice principal of Kamikaze School to stand screaming in the car park as students roar past in their cars. He can solve the speeding problem once & for all by placing a bump in the road which will tear the wheels off their cars if they ignore its sinister presence. In Russia, by the way, students who are convicted of taking drugs are placed at the end of a waiting list to obtain cars. This policy has had a remarkable impact on the unpopularity of narcotics there, I'm told. These two illustrations contain the key to adolescent discipline, if in fact one exists. It involves the manipulation of circumstances, whatever they may be, to influence the behaviour of youngsters, combined with an appeal to love & reason & cooperation & compromise. It ain't much, as they say, but it's all we've got.
Prepare for Adolescence
At the risk of being redundant, I feel I must repeat a word of advice offered in my book "Hide or Seek." I stressed there the importance of preparing the preteenager for adolescence. We know, as parents, that the teen years can be extremely distressing & tense, yet we typically keep that information to ourselves. We fail to brace our children properly for the social pressures & physical changes that await their arrival at puberty. Instead, we send them skipping unsuspectingly into this hazardous terrain, like Little Red Riding Hood dancing merrily down the path with a basket of goodies. If that sweet child's parents had warned her about the Big Bad Wolf, she might have noticed that Grandma had grown hairier & produced a tail since they last met. (I've often wondered what that old woman must have looked like, considering she could have been confused with a wolf by a member of her own family.) Instead, naive Little Red practically climbed into Wolfie's mouth to examine the size of his (her) fangs & was saved by the woodsman at the last second. In real life, unfortunately, the story does not usually end with a dramatic rescue & a "happy ever after" conclusion.
It should be our purpose to help our kids avoid the adolescent "wolves" which threaten to devour them. Great strides can be made in that direction by taking the preteenager away from home for at least one day for the purpose of discussing the experiences & events that are approaching. These conversations are most productive when scheduled immediately prior to puberty & should be planned carefully to expose the major "stress points" of adolescence.
"Hold On" with an Open Hand
The most common mistake made by parents of "older" teenagers (sixteen to nineteen years of age) is in refusing to grant them the independence & maturity they require. Our inclination as loving guardians is to hold our kids too tightly, despite their attempts to squirm free. We try to make all their decisions & keep them snugly beneath our wings & prevent even the possibility of failure. And in so doing, we force our young adults into one of two destructive patterns: Either they passively accept our overprotection & remain dependent "children" into adult life, or else they rise up in great wrath to reject our bondage & interference. They lose on both counts. On the one hand they become emotional cripples who are incapable of independent thought, & on the other they grow into angry & guilt-ridden adults who have severed ties with the families they need. Indeed, parents who refuse to grant appropriate independence to their older adolescents are courting disaster not only for their children, but also for themselves.
Parents would be wise to remember that the day is fast approaching when the child they have raised will pack his suitcase & leave home, never to return. And as he walks through the door to confront the outside World, he will no longer be accountable to parental authority & supervision. He can do what he chooses. No one can require him to eat properly, or get his needed rest, or find a job, or live responsibly, or serve God. He will sink or swim on his own. This sudden independence can be devastating for some individuals who have not been properly prepared for it. But how can a mother & father train an individual so that he won't go wild in the first dizzying months of freedom? How can they equip him for that moment of emancipation?
The best time to begin preparing a child for the ultimate release is during childhood. However, the natural inclination of parents is to do the opposite.
This process of granting appropriate independence must continue through the early school years. Parents should permit their children to go to summer camp even though it might be "safer" to keep them at home. Likewise, boys & girls ought to be allowed to spend the night with their friends when invited. They should make their own beds, take care of their animals, & do their homework. In short, the parental purpose should be to grant increasing freedom & responsibility year by year, so that when the child gets beyond adult control, he will no longer need it.
When this assignment is handled properly, the older school pupil should be virtually emancipated, even though he still lives with his parents. This was the case during my last year at home. When I was seventeen years of age, my parents tested my independence by going on a two-week trip, & leaving me behind. They loaned me the family car, & gave me permission to invite my (male) friends to spend the fourteen nights at our home. I remember being surprised by this move & the obvious risks they were taking. I could have thrown fourteen wild parties & wrecked the car & destroyed our residence. Frankly, I wondered if they were wise to give me that much latitude. I did behave responsibly (although our house suffered the effects of some typical adolescent horseplay).
After I was grown & married, I asked my mother why she took those risks--why she left me unsupervised for two weeks. She smiled & replied, "Because I knew in approximately one year you would be leaving for college, where you would have complete freedom with no one to tell you how to behave. And I wanted to expose you to that independence while you were still under my influence." Her intuitive wisdom was apparent, once more. She was preparing me for the ultimate release, which often causes an overprotected young man or woman to behave foolishly the moment they escape the heavy hand of authority.
Our objective as parents, then, is to do nothing for boys & girls which they can profit from doing for themselves. I admit the difficulty of implementing this policy. Our deep love for our children makes us tremendously vulnerable to their needs. Life inevitably brings pain & sorrow to little people, & we hurt when they hurt. When others ridicule them or laugh at them, when they feel lonely & rejected, when they fail at something important, when they cry in the midnight hours, when physical harm threatens their existence--these are the trials which seem unbearable to those of us who watch from the sidelines. We want to rise like a mighty shield to protect them from life's sting--to hold them snugly within the safety of our embrace. Yet there are times when we must let them struggle. Children can't grow without taking risks. Toddlers can't walk initially without falling down. Students can't learn without facing some hardships. And ultimately, an adolescent can't enter young adulthood until we release him from our protective custody. But as I have indicated, parents in the Western World find it difficult to let their offspring face & conquer the routine challenges of everyday living.
Let me offer a few phrases which will guide our parenting efforts during the final era of childhood. The first is simply, "Hold on with an open hand." This implies that we still care about the outcome during early adulthood, but we must not clutch our children too tightly. Our grip must be relaxed. We should pray for them, love them, & even offer advice to them when it is sought. But the responsibility to make personal decisions must be borne by the next generation & they must also accept the consequences of those choices.
Another phrase expressing a similar concept is, "Hold them close & let them go." This seven-word suggestion could almost represent the theme of my book. Parents should be deeply involved in the lives of their young children, providing love & protection & authority. But when those children reach their late teens & early twenties, the cage door must be opened to the World outside. That is the most frightening time of parenthood.
A lesson can be learned from the prodigal son of whom Jesus spoke. He became so desperately hungry when he ran out of money that even the pigs' food began to look good to him. Nevertheless, "no one gave him anything." There were no social services benefits or unemployment pay to support his life as a swinger, & he was systematically starving. It was in that state of utter need that "he came to his senses." Deprivation has a way of bringing us back to the basics, or in the case of the prodigal son, back to daddy. We parents would be wise to follow the example of the loving father in this story, who symbolises God Himself. First, he set the boy free with no strings attached. Second, he allowed him to suffer the consequences of his own foolishness even though he could, as a wealthy farmer, have sent his servants to bail him out. And third, he revealed his immeasurable love by welcoming home his repentant son without insults or accusations, saying joyfully, "He was lost & is found!"
In summary, let me say that adolescence is not an easy time of life for either generation; in fact, it can be downright terrifying. But the key to surviving this emotional experience is to lay the proper foundation & then face it with courage. Even the inevitable rebellion of the teen years can be a healthy factor. This conflict contributes to the process by which an individual changes from a dependent child to a mature adult, taking his place as a co-equal with his parents. Without that friction, the relationship could continue to be an unhealthy "mummy-daddy-child" triad, late into adult life, with serious implications for future marital harmony. If the strain between generations were not part of the divine plan of human development, it would not be so universally prevalent, even in homes where love & authority have been maintained in proper balance.
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I'd like to tell you of my son,
He's quite a rowdy lad.
And he left, spanked, for school today,
'Cause he'd been acting bad.
I've asked the Lord to help me see
And learn the secrets why
At times he acts just like he does.
--I really want to try!
It seems his thought's so distant
That I don't have a chance
To try to bring him down to Earth.
--It seems he's in a trance!
At his age, now, don't you think,
He ought to comb his hair?
Or wash his face? Or brush his teeth?
Without my being there?!
Yet, Lord, he's really reaching out
And wants to learn it all.
Every day he lives excites him so,
--All life awaits his call!
He seeks out mysteries, one by one,
And each one gives him pleasure!
Has he unlocked Pandora's box,
Or opened Heaven's treasure?
It takes real faith to trust God's Word,
That, if his heart we train,
And teach him in the way to go,
He'll not depart!--We claim!
So as he journeys day by day
To test all that he's heard,
We'll go ahead, prepare the trail,
And mark it with God's Word!
It's 5 o'clock, I hear him now,
His greeting has me floored!
"Mom, guess what? My class got saved!
I led them to the Lord!"
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