DISCIPLINE--Without Shouting or Spanking--A First-Aid Book for Handling Misbehaviour of One-to Five-Year-Olds.
--By Jerry Wyckoff, Ph.D, & Barbara C. Unell
(Editor: The following summary is quite good in that it encourages other forms of discipline before spanking. Although much has been said on the advantages of spanking, in this day & age in which there is such a hue & cry about child abuse, it's certainly wise to be as careful as possible & to try & exercise other forms of discipline--leaving spanking only for extreme cases or incorrigible children, & perhaps swats for those too young to understand much that is only explained verbally. With corporal punishment being so controversial these days, it's beneficial to learn about other methods of discipline.)
Preface: Children have needs & wants, just as their parents have wants & expectations for them. When these needs & wants don't fit together like puzzle pieces & preschoolers don't see eye-to-eye with their parents, problems arise.
The problems of parenting can often at least be minimised when parents learn how to match their parenting skills with their preschoolers' needs. This book offers practical remedies for the common behaviour problems of normal, healthy one- to five-year-olds. Our intent is to show parents how to react to discipline problems in calm, consistent & effective ways--without shouting or spanking. We want to turn parents into "disciplined parents" who can control themselves when their children are least in control.
We designed this book to be a sort of a first-aid book for handling misbehaviour.
Parenthood Is Naturally Problematic
You need to ask yourselves a number of questions before you label any of your child's behaviour a "problem."
Ask yourself how often a certain kind of behaviour occurs. Then look at how intense the misbehaviour is. If your child becomes angry easily, for instance, anger may be his natural reaction to disappointment. If, however, your child becomes angry with such intensity that he may injure himself or others, then you may need to give some attention to at least reducing the intensity of the anger.
Be aware of your own tolerance for your child's misbehaviour. For example, because of your own biases, needs, or rules, you may be willing to tolerate or even find amusing some behaviours that other parents find intolerable. A parent who may well accept what a child does in the home may realise that other adults will not approve of it & decide to do something about it.
In order to manage adequately the problems of their children's behaviour, parents themselves need to become more disciplined (where discipline is defined as a teaching-learning process that leads to orderliness & self-control). Parental behaviour must change before a child's behaviour will change, & parents must become "disciplined parents" before their children will become disciplined.
The ABC's of Disciplined Parenting
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Decide on the specific behaviour you would like to change. If you deal in specifics rather than abstracts, you will tend to manage better. Don't just tell your child to be "neat"; explain that you want him to pick up his blocks before he goes out to play.
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Tell your child exactly what you want him to do & show him how to do it. If you want your child to stop whining when he wants something, show him how to ask you for it. Manually guiding your children through the desired action helps them understand exactly what you want them to do.
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Praise your child's doing of the behaviour. Don't praise the child, but rather praise what the child is doing. An example could be saying, "It's good you're sitting quietly," rather than "You are a good boy for sitting quietly." Focus your praise or disapproval on your child's behaviour because that is what you are interested in controlling.
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Continue the praise as long as the new behaviour needs that support. Praising all the correct things that your children do reminds them of your expectations & continues to hold your own model of good behaviour before them.
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Try to avoid power struggles with your children.
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Be there. Children need fairly constant supervision. If parents aren't paying close attention, many behaviour errors will go uncorrected.
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Avoid being a historian. If a child makes an error, constantly reminding him of his error will only lead to resentment & increase the likelihood of bad behaviour. What is done is done. Reminding children about their past errors acts as practice in making errors.
Spanking & Shouting Are Usually Counterproductive
The principles outlined above represent what we as parents should do when we're confronted with misbehaviour. Shouting & spanking are quite natural responses to misbehaviour--especially continued misbehaviour--but they're also quite counterproductive. Shouting & spanking can give children all the wrong kinds of attention, & they may misbehave just to get us to notice them. Punishment often simply drives bad behaviour underground: it just stops it from happening in front of parents. Children become experts at not getting caught. Parents may even say, "Don't let me catch you doing that again!"
The lowest level of obedience is "following rules only to avoid punishment." The highest level, however, is "follow rules because they are right & good." When we consistently spank our children for their misbehaviour, we tend to stop them at the lowest level of moral development.
It is difficult to justify the admonition "Don't hit!" while parents are hitting their children for hitting. Hitting begets hitting, as well as anger, revenge, & the breakdown of communication between parents & their children. (Editor: Of course in some extreme cases with incorrigible children or at times with little ones who don't understand verbal reproof, a spanking could be necessary & effective.)
Self-Talk: Self-talk is best defined as what people say to themselves that governs their behaviour. If, for example, a parent says, "I can't stand it when my child whines!" then his or her level of tolerance for the whining will be greatly diminished. If, however, that same parent says to him- or herself, "I don't like it when my child whines, but I can survive it," then not only will he or she be able to tolerate the whining longer, but he or she will also be likely to plan adequate ways of changing this behaviour. Parents can calm themselves down in times of stress by using helpful self-talk.
Using These Ideas: A basic rule for setting up ways of changing the behaviour of children is to try the mildest strategy first. Show your child what to do & encourage him. If that doesn't work, try the next until you find something that does work. It's just as important to know what not to do, so try to avoid the "don'ts" listed in each section.
Make what you say & do believable to your child, & he will more readily accept your tactics.
The remedies are also designed to show your child the kind of respect you would give others in your home. Treat your child as if he were a guest in your house. He should be made to follow the rules in a kind & respectful way.
Discipline Dictionary
"Beat-the-Clock": A motivational method based on a child's competitive nature. Since children love to race to be first, by using a portable kitchen timer, parents can set up a competition between a child & time. "Can you be finished before the timer rings?" is the basic premise. Children can then race against time with parents then being able to act as support.
"Neutral Time": A time free from conflict, such as the time after a tantrum is finished & a child is calmly playing. Neutral time is the best time for teaching new behaviour because it is a time of calm emotions, making children (just like adults) more receptive to learning than in the heat of conflict.
"Praise": To verbally recognise a behaviour you want to reinforce. Praise should always be directed toward the behaviour & not toward the child.
"Reprimand": A sharp statement that includes the command to stop the behaviour, a reason why the behaviour should stop & an alternative to the behaviour, e.g., "Stop hitting; hitting hurts; ask him nicely to give you the toy."
"Rule": Establishing & enforcing rules help children behave acceptably because their world becomes predictable & they are able to anticipate the consequences of their behaviour.
"Rule, Grandma's": A contractual arrangement that follows the pattern, "When you have done X, then you may do Y." (Y = what the child wants to do). Never say, "If you do X, then you can do Y." This leaves the child asking the question, "What if I don't do X?"
"Time Out": Typical Time Out for children could be to sit in a chair for a specified length of time or to be put in a room. A rule of thumb is one minute of Time Out for each year of age. When disciplining the child in this way, tell him to go to the place you have chosen, then set the timer for the specified time. If he leaves the chair before the timer rings, reset the timer & tell him to stay in the chair until the timer rings. Repeat the process until he sits in the chair for the specified time. Time Out has the effect of removing the child from any likelihood of receiving attention for inappropriate behaviour during the Time Out period.
(Editor: If you occasionally use Time Out for older children, it would be better if they perhaps reviewed, memorised or read something specifically related to their misbehaviour rather than sitting there doing nothing.)
The following misbehaviours are now covered:
Resisting Bedtime
Getting Out of Bed at Night
Not Eating
Playing with Food
Overeating
Overusing "No"
Temper Tantrums
Whining
Talking Back
Name-Calling
Interrupting
Aggressive Behaviour
Getting into Things
Destroying Property
Taking Things
Possessiveness
Fighting Cleanup Routines
Messiness
Sibling Rivalry
Toileting Accidents
Clinging to Parents
Interacting with Strangers
Wandering Away in Public
Demanding to Do Things Themselves
Demanding Freedom
Wanting Their Own Way
Dawdling
Not Following Directions
Traveling Problems
Resisting Car Seats
RESISTING BEDTIME
Active, energetic preschoolers who avoid sleep may turn going to bed or taking a nap into chase time, crying time, or find-another-book-to-read time to postpone the rest stop they dread. No matter what hour your child thinks is the right time to rest, stand firm to the time you choose. But allow your child some wind-down time to ease him gradually into the idea of turning off his motor.
Note: Since your child's need for sleep changes as he grows older, you may need to let him stay up later or shorten his nap as he ages. All children (even in the same family) do not require the same amount of sleep. (Your two-year-old may not need the same hours of rest as his older brother did when he was two.)
Prevention: Share a special bedtime talk. End the day or begin a nap with a special feeling between you & your child by reciting a poem or story as a regular part of the going-to-bed routine. Make the event special so it's something your child can look forward to. Try reciting the prayer "Now I lay me down to sleep..." or have a talk about the day's events, even if it's a one-sided conversation.
Make exercise a daily habit. Make sure your child exercises his body some time during the day to help his body tell his mind that he needs to go to bed.
Limit your child's naps. Don't let your child continue napping until nighttime & then expect him to go to sleep an hour later. Wake him up, if necessary, to stagger asleep & awake periods.
Share pre-bedtime experiences. Playing with your child before you announce bedtime will help to prevent his fighting bedtime just to get your attention.
Keep bedtime consistent. Discover how much sleep your child needs by noticing how he acts when he's taken a nap & when he hasn't, when he has gone to bed at nine or at seven. Then establish the same sleep schedule to fit his time clock.
Do's--Play Beat-the-Clock. Here's how it works: An hour before bedtime (or naptime), set the timer for five minutes. This allows your child to anticipate the upcoming events. (These can be listed on a simple checklist.) When the timer rings, reset it for about 30 minutes, during which time you & your child (or him alone, if he's capable) get ready for bed (wash, get into pajamas, brush teeth, get a drink, go to the bathroom, etc.). If your child beats the timer, he gets to stay up & play for the remaining 25 minutes of the hour. If he doesn't beat the clock, just put him in bed.
Use the bedtime routine regardless of time. Even if bedtime has been delayed for some reason, go through the same rituals to help your child learn what's expected of him when it comes to going to bed. Don't point out how late he's stayed up. Quicken the pace by helping him with the rituals of getting into pajamas or getting a drink, for example, & set the timer for thirty minutes in the beginning, instead of sixty; but don't omit any steps.
Mind the order. Since preschoolers find comfort in consistency, have him bathe, brush his teeth, & put on his pajamas in the same order every night. Ask your child to name what step in the routine comes next to make a game out of getting ready for bed, with your child calling the shots.
Offer rewards for beating the clock. Greet your child upon waking with the good news that beating the clock is worth its while. Say, "You did so well getting in bed last night that I'll fix you your favourite breakfast" or "Because you got in bed so nicely I'll read you a story now."
Don'ts: Don't let your child control bedtime. Stick with your chosen bedtime despite your child's resistance or attempts to delay it. Remember that you know why your child doesn't want to go to bed--& why he should. Say to yourself, "He's only crying because he doesn't want to end his playtime, but I know he'll play happier later if he sleeps now."
Don't threaten or spank. Threatening or spanking your child to get him into bed can cause nightmares & fears, besides making you feel upset & guilty if the behaviour persists. Use the timer as a neutral authority to determine when bedtime arrives to take the blame off you.
Don't remind your child of his restless nature. Don't make him pay for resisting sleep after he's gotten up. Repeat the Beat-the-Clock game until he plays it naturally.
GETTING OUT OF BED AT NIGHT
Children under six are famous for piping up with requests for books, kisses, or getting in bed with their parents immediately after mom & dad leave their bedside or the lights are out. Remember that your child's nightly need is for sleep, though she may want ten books & four drinks just to see what you're up to or to have you near her again. Teach your child that going to sleep will bring you back to her bedside faster than demanding attention.
Note: If you don't know whether it's a need or a want your child is expressing (if your child is not yet talking or simply cries out instead of saying what she wants), check on her. If all is medically sound, give her a quick kiss & hug (thirty seconds maximum) & make her lie down. Tell her firmly & lovingly that it's time for sleep, not play.
Prevention: Discuss bedtime rules at a nonbedtime time. Set limits for how many trips to the toilet etc. your child may have at bedtime. Tell her these rules at a neutral time so she is aware of what you expect her to do when bedtime comes. Say, "You can take two books to bed & have one drink, & I'll tell you two stories before you hit the sack." If your child likes to get in bed with you, decide before she arrives whether your rules allow that.
Promise Rewards for Following the Rules. Make your child aware that following rules, not breaking them, will bring her bonuses. Say, "When you've stayed in your own bed all night (if that's your rule), then you may have granola (or pancakes or waffles) for breakfast." Rewards could include special breakfasts, trips to the park, games, playtime with you, or anything you know is enjoyable for your child.
Plant the idea of going back to sleep. Remind your child of the rules as you put her in bed, to strengthen her memory about previous discussions.
Do's: Stand firm with your rules. Enforce the rule every time your child breaks it, to teach her that you mean what you say. For example, when you put your child back in bed after she gets into bed with you in violation of your rule, say, "Remember the rule: Everyone sleeps in their own bed. Your Word tape can keep you company. I love you! See you in the morning."
Follow through with rewards. Make sure your child trusts you by always making good on your reward for following the rules.
Don'ts: Don't go back on your promise. Once you've set the rules, don't change them unless you discuss this first with your child. Every time you don't enforce the rules, your child only learns to keep trying to get what she wants, even though you've said no.
Don't give in to noise. If your child screams because you enforced the rule, remember she's learning something that is important for her own health--night is for sleeping.
Don't use threats & fear. Threats such as "If you get out of bed, the lizards will get you" or "If you do that one more time, I'm going to whip you" will only increase the problem because, unless you back them up, threats are only noise without meaning. Fear may keep your child in bed, but the fear may generalise until your child becomes afraid of many things.
Don't talk to your child from a distance. Yelling threats & rules out of your child's sight teaches her to yell & lets her know that you don't care enough to talk to her face-to-face.
NOT EATING
Though parents have been pushing their on-the-go preschoolers to eat since the beginning of parenthood, many modern children under six are still too busy investigating their world to take much time out for chewing. If the temptation to force food on your child seems nearly inborn, try to give him more attention for eating (even the smallest pea!) than for not eating.
Note: Don't mistake typical, occasional noneating behaviour for illness. Get professional help if you feel your child is physically ill & can't eat.
Prevention: Don't skip meals yourself. Skipping meals yourself gives your child the idea that not eating is okay for him, since it's okay for you.
Don't emphasise the big tummy or idolise a bone-thin physique. Even a three-year-old can become irrationally weight-conscious if you show him how to be obsessed with his body fat.
Learn the appropriate amount of food for your child's age & weight. Understand what normal levels of eating are for your child, so that your expectations will be realistic.
Create eating-time schedules. Get your child's system in the habit of needing nourishment at a particular time, & his body will tell him that it needs food then.
Do's: Let your child choose foods. Let your child decide (sometimes) what between-meal snack or lunch foods he wants (with your supervision). If he feels that he has some control over what he's eating, he may be more excited about food. Praise wise choices (only give two, so he is not overwhelmed with the decision-making process) with comments like, "I'm really glad you chose that orange; it's really a delicious snack."
Provide variety & balance. Children need to learn about proper diet. Play teacher by offering a range of tastes, textures, colors, & aromas of nutritious foods. Remember that preschoolers' tastes seem to change overnight, so expect your child to turn down a food today that was a favorite last week.
Let nature take its course. A normal, healthy child will naturally select a balanced diet over a week's time, which pediatricians say will adequately nourish him. Keep a mental note of what your child has eaten from Monday through Sunday, not from sunup to sundown, before becoming alarmed that he's undernourished.
Catch your child with a mouthful. Give your child encouragement when he downs a spoonful of anything--to teach him that eating will bring him as much attention as not eating. Praise good eating habits by saying, "That's great the way you put that meat loaf in your mouth all by yourself," or "I'm glad you like the rolls we have today."
Don'ts: Don't always offer a food reward for eating. Keep food in perspective. Food is meant to provide nourishment, not symbolise praise. Say, "Since you ate your green beans so nicely, you can go outside after dinner."
Don't bribe or beg. When your child is not eating, don't bribe or beg him to clean his plate. This makes noneating a game to get your attention & gives your child a feeling of power over you.
Don't get upset when your child won't eat. Giving him attention for not eating makes not eating much more satisfying for your child than eating.
Don't talk about your child's noneating with others. Keep the attention you give to your child's eating patterns in perspective, so food will not be the battleground where you wage power struggles.
PLAYING WITH FOOD
Take a one-, two-, or three-year-old, mix her with food she doesn't want to eat, & her parents have a mess on their hands, their child's hands, & undoubtedly on the floor & table, too. When your child's hunger doesn't get food to her mouth, her playfully fingering it may mean she has eaten all she wants, whether she can actually say the words or not.
Prevention: Don't play with food yourself. If you flip peas with your fork, even unconsciously, your child will assume that's what she can do, too.
Plan food your child likes to eat (at least one at each meal) & can eat. Make bite-size pieces that are easily edible. To minimise the amount of work she'll have to do to get food in her mouth, cut her food & butter her roll before setting her plate in front of her.
Keep serving bowls of food out of reach. Steer playful preschoolers away from the temptation to stir & pour just for fun.
Teach your child table rules (at a noneating, neutral time). Your child needs to know what you expect of her in restaurants & at home because she doesn't have built-in manners. Have frequent tea parties, for instance, where you show her how to use her spoon, keep food on the table, keep her hands out of the food, tell you when she's done, etc. For example, tell your child under two, "Say `I'm done' & then you can get down & play." Tell your three-, or five-year-old, "When the timer rings, you can leave the table. Tell me when you're finished & I'll take your plate."
Talk to your child at the table. If you try to make conversation with her, she won't find other ways to get your attention, like playing with food.
Do's: Compliment proper eating habits. Any time your child is not playing with food at the table, tell her you like how well she's eating, to drive home the point that she will be rewarded for eating nicely. Say, for example, "That's great the way you're using your fork for those peas," or "Thanks for twisting that spaghetti around your fork as I showed you."
Make playing with food unappetising. If your child breaks an eating rule you've previously discussed, tell her what the consequences are, to prove to her that playing with food will cost her some pleasurable time. Say, "I'm sorry that you stuck your hands into your mashed potatoes. Now dinner is over. You will have to clean up the mess," for example.
Ask whether your child is done when she starts to play with food. Don't immediately assume that your child is being rowdy. Ask her why she's dissecting her meatloaf to give her a chance to explain herself (if she is verbal).
Don'ts: Don't lose your cool. Though you may be disgusted & angry at your child for wasting food by playing with it, your anger may be the spice that your child wants with her meal. Your preschooler thrives on having the power to affect the world (for better & worse). Don't let playing with food become a way to get attention. Ignore any non-destructive food play that you feel comfortable accepting at the table.
Don't give in. If your child has to pay the price for playing with food, don't give in & remove the cost, even if she's screaming about how high it is. Teach your child you mean what you say every time you make a deal with her.
OVEREATING
The appetite of many children under six can be endless. Your child is not aware of why he wants more food than he needs. But you need to be, in order to get his eating habits back on the right track. Because overeating is a symptom of a problem, not the problem itself, try to discover the reasons behind your child's seemingly bottomless pit. For example, see if he overeats out of habit, boredom, mimicry, or the desire for attention. Help him satisfy his wants without eating, just as you would yourself.
Prevention: Become well versed in what's appropriate for your child. Before you dictate an eating plan, learn the normal amount for your child to eat & the average weight for his size & sex.
Serve healthy foods. Keep high-calorie junk foods out of your overeater's reach so he won't be tempted to grab for them.
Check your child's diet. Since your preschooler is too young to decide what he can & can't have, it's up to you to establish nutritious eating habits, the younger the better. Foods high in fat & sugar should be replaced with those high in protein, to offer a balance of nutritious calories & nutrition in a day.
Teach when, how, & where eating is allowed. Restrict eating to the kitchen & dining room only. Slow down the eating pace & insist that food be eaten from a plate or bowl, instead of directly from the refrigerator. More rest between mouthfuls is a proven way to get the message to our brains that we are full before we've eaten more than we need (it takes twenty minutes for the process to work).
Do's: Provide pleasurable activities other than eating. Get to know what your child likes to do besides eat, & suggest it after you know he's eaten enough to satisfy his hunger--showing him how delicious things other than eating can be.
Keep food in perspective. Don't always offer food as a present or reward, to avoid teaching your child that food holds meaning other than to satisfy hunger.
Stagger mealtimes so your child doesn't get over-hungry & gorge on food when it finally arrives.
Watch when your child overeats. Try to discover why your child overeats by seeing if he turns to food when he's bored, sees others gorge on food, is mad, sad, wants attention from you, or has gotten into the habit. Then resolve these feelings in other noneating ways, like talking or playing. Communicate about trouble spots in your child's life so that food won't be a problem-solver.
Practice control yourself. It's been documented that the father models the eating pattern that children seem to pick up the quickest. If parents snack & eat junk foods all day, their children will feel that it's okay to do that themselves.
Praise wise food selections. You can mold preferences just by your tone & by encouraging foods you want to become favorites. Whenever your child picks up an orange instead of a piece of chocolate for a snack, say "That's a great choice you made for something to eat. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself so well by eating yummy treats like oranges."
Encourage your child to exercise. Overweight children often don't eat any more than normal-weight children; they just don't burn enough calories off through exercise. Suggest physical games to play in the winter, like dancing or jumping rope. In the summer, swimming, walking, baseball, & swinging are not only good for your child's physical development, but they also relieve tension, give him fresh air, & build coordination & strength. Your participation in the exercise, no matter what form, will make it seem like a game instead of grueling work.
Communicate with your child. Make sure that your encouraging your child to eat all his peas isn't the only encouragement you ever give him. Praise his artwork, the clothes he's chosen, & the way he cleaned up his toys, as well as the job he did cleaning his plate, to let your child see that the only attention he gets is not from eating or overeating.
Don'ts: Don't give in to his food wants. Just because your child wants to eat more doesn't mean he needs to, but don't make him feel guilty for wanting more. Briefly explain why he should not have more, because your child is too young to tell himself the reason.
Don't give treats only when your child is upset. Your child may build all the wrong associations with food if you consistently offer it to ease his pain.
Don't allow watching raw television. Because commercials bombard your child with food messages, help him get away from constantly concerning himself with food by showing good videos.
Don't give junk foods as snacks. What you allow for snacks & meals is what your child will expect. Food preferences are often habits, not inborn.
Don't make fun of your child if he's overweight. Making fun of your child only compounds the problem by adding to his guilt & shame.
OVERUSING "NO"
"No" ranks as the most-likely-to-be-used word by one- to three-year-olds because it's the most-likely-to-be used word by their parents. Toddlers are famous for getting into, on top of, & underneath things, making parents famous for saying, "No! Don't touch!" "No! Don't open!" "No! Don't do that!" To see what & who they can control, two- & three-year-olds throw a "No" right back whenever tossed a yes-no question. Limit the opportunities you give your child to say no (avoid asking yes-no questions) & don't always take her literally when she says no to every request.
Prevention: Get to know your child's personality. If you're familiar with your child's wants & desires, you'll know when her no really means yes or when she really doesn't want something.
Think before saying no. Avoid telling your child no when you don't really care if she does something or not.
Limit yes-no questions. Don't ask questions that could be answered with a no. Ask how much juice she wants, for example, instead of whether she wants some juice. If you want her to get in the car, don't say, "Do you want to get into the car?" Say, "We're getting in the car now," & do it!
Change your own no to something different. For example, say "stop" instead of no when your child does something you don't want her to, like touch the plants.
Get your child to stop a behaviour by teaching her to do something else. Because you usually want your child to stop a behaviour when you say no to her, teach another behaviour to replace the one you want stopped. During a neutral time, take your child's hand, say, "Come here, please!" & draw her to you. Give her a hug & say, "Thank you for coming." Practice five times a day, slowly increasing the distance your child is away from you when you say "Come here, please" until she can come to you from across the room or across the yard.
Do's: Ignore your child's no. Take the positive side & assume she really means yes. If she really doesn't want the juice she just said no to, for example, she won't take it. Soon you'll know if she's crying wolf or not when she says no.
Give more attention for yes than no. Your child will soon learn how to say yes if nodding her head positively or saying yes makes you smile & give her praise. React to that word positively by saying something like, "How nice that you said yes," or "I'm really glad you said yes when your aunt asked you that question."
Teach how to say yes. Children over three can learn to say yes if they're methodically shown. Try this plan: Tell your child that you want to hear her say yes. Next, praise her for saying it with words like, "It's nice to hear you saying yes" or "I really like the way you said yes." Then say, "I'm going to ask you to do something for me & I want you to say yes before I can count to five." If she says it, tell her what a great yes that was. Practice this five times for five days & you'll be in for a more positive-sounding child.
Let your child say no. Even though she must still do what you want her to do or need her to do, your child is entitled to say no. When you want your child to do something, but she has said no, explain the situation to your child. For example, say, "I know you don't want to pick up your crayons, but when you have done what I asked, then you may do what you want to." This lets your child know that you hear her express her feelings & take those into consideration--but you're still the boss.
Don'ts: Don't laugh or encourage the use of no. Laughing or calling attention to your child's overuse of no only encourages her to use it more to get your response.
Don't get angry. Remember that the no stage is normal in your developing preschooler & will soon pass. Getting angry will be interpreted as giving your child attention for saying no, & attention & power are just what she wants.
TEMPER TANTRUMS
Millions of normal, lovable preschoolers throw temper tantrums as their violent, emotional way of coping with frustration or anger & telling the world they're the boss. The cure? Tantrums can become less frequent & be prevented without giving the performer an audience & giving in to his wants.
Note: Common, periodic crying is not a temper tantrum & needs to be treated in a different way. Get counsel if your child has daily temper tantrums!
Prevention: Teach your child to handle frustration & anger. Show your child how adults like you can find other ways of coping besides yelling & screaming. When you burn the casserole, for instance, instead of throwing the burned pot into the garbage, say, "I'm upset now, honey, but I can handle it. I'm going to figure out how to solve this mess by seeing what else I can fix for dinner real quickly." Regardless of the situation, teach your child to look at the choices he has to solve his problems instead of getting violent about them.
Give pats on the back. Try to catch your child being good. For instance, when he asks you to help him make a complicated puzzle work, praise him. Say "I'm so glad you asked for my help, instead of getting mad at the puzzle." Helping your child to handle his own frustration & anger calmly helps him feel good about himself. You'll find him repeating a calm problem-solving technique when he knows he'll get praised for it. Tell him you understand that he's frustrated, though, by saying, "I know how you feel when things get tough, & I'm really proud of you for being able to take it."
Don't let playtime always mean alone time. Knowing that being good means that mom or dad goes away increases the chances that your child will be bad just to get you back into his play picture.
Don't wait for an invitation. If you spot some trouble brewing in your child's play & eating activities, for example, don't let it simmer too long. When you see that the situation is one he can't control or make easier, say, "I bet this puzzle piece goes here" or "let's do it this way." Show him how to work the toy or eat the food, & then let him complete the task so he feels good about his ability to let others help.
Do's:
Try to stand firm. Despite the power of your child's screaming & pounding, make sure you've got power over the situation by holding tight to your rule about the matter. Tell yourself silently that it's important for your child to learn he can't have everything he wants when he wants it. Your child is learning to be realistic & you are learning to be consistent & to give him boundaries for acceptable & unacceptable behaviour.
Remain as calm as you can. Say to yourself, "This is not a big deal. I can control my child while teaching him to control himself. He's just trying to get me upset so he can have what he wants." Keeping calm is the best model for him when he's upset.
Praise your child. After the fire of a temper tantrum is just smoldering, immediately praise your child for gaining self-control & then get both of you into a favorite game or activity that is not frustrating for him or you. Say "I'm glad you're feeling better now. I love you, but I don't like screaming or yelling." Since this is your only reference to the tantrum, it will help him know that it was the tantrum you were ignoring, not him.
Explain rule changes. If you & your child are at the dimestore & he asks to buy a toy car that was off-limits for him before, you can change your mind--but change your message too. Say, "Remember when we were last here & you threw a tantrum? If you behave nicely by staying close to me, I've decided that you can have the car." This will help him understand that it wasn't the tantrum that changed your mind; you're buying the car for another reason. If you like, tell him the reasons you changed your mind, particularly if they include praise for good behaviour.
Don'ts: Don't reason or explain. Trying to reason or talk your child out of his tantrum during the tantrum is wasted breath. He doesn't care--he's in the middle of a show & he's a star! Any discussion now only encourages the tantrum because it gives him the audience he wants.
Don't throw a tantrum yourself. Say to yourself, "Why do I need to act crazy? I know that when I said no, I said it for a reason." Losing your cool will only encourage your child to keep the heat on.
Don't belittle your child. Just because your child had a temper tantrum doesn't mean he's a bad person. Don't say, "Bad boy! Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" Your child will lose respect for himself & feel that he didn't deserve what he wanted anyway.
Don't be a historian. Don't remind your child of his tantrum later that day. This only gives more attention to the behaviour & increases the chances he'll have a tantrum again, just to be the center of your conversation.
Don't make your child pay for the tantrum. Having nothing to do with him after it's over will only cause him to have more tantrums to try to get your attention. Don't make him feel unloved & unwanted just because his behaviour was unwanted.
WHINING
Just as adults often find themselves in a bad mood for no reason, nearly every little adult sometimes seems to have no reason for whining & crankiness. If you know all your child's needs are met (she's dry, fed, etc.), the reason behind your preschooler's feeling & acting out of sorts is probably her wanting attention or her own way. Your child should soon learn an important home rule--asking nicely speaks louder than being cranky & noncommunicative.
Prevention: Catch'em being good. Praise any good behaviour & any successful attempts at doing things right to prevent your child from whining & moaning about how "nothing she does is right."
Keep her needs met. Make sure your child eats, bathes, dresses, sleeps, & gets plenty of hugs as regularly (for her) as possible to prevent her becoming cranky because she's uncomfortable & too upset about a situation to tell you her feelings without crying.
Do's: Teach what whining is & isn't. Make sure your child knows exactly what you mean by the word "whine" when you ask her to please not whine. Then explain how you'd like her to ask for something or tell you what she wants without whining about it. Say, for example, "I will not give you apple juice until you ask nicely. Here's how I'd like you to ask for some apple juice: `Mommy (or Daddy), may I please have some apple juice to drink?'" If she's in the pretalking stage, show your child how to point to or take you to what she wants with actions, not words. Let her practice requesting things pleasantly a few times, followed by your fulfilling the request to prove your point.
Create a whining & crying place. If your child's whining continues even after you've taught her how to express her wants nicely, let her know that she has the right to have feelings & frustrations that only crying might relieve. Tell her that she can cry & whine as much as she wants, but that she must do it in the "crying place," a place you designate only for crying. Let her know that you'd rather not be around a whiner & crier who can't tell you what she wants, & when she's done crying she can come out. Say, for example, "I'm sorry you are so upset. You can go to the crying place & come back when you feel better." (Editor: If the child is going to cry anyway, they can go to the crying place. Don't promote it, but just make it a matter-of-fact thing. Tell them that when they're done they can come out.)
Ignore your child's whining. Because your child's whining is so nerve-racking, you can easily pay more attention to her when she whines than when she's quiet, even though that attention is not affection. If the whining gets above tolerance level, put her in the whining chair.
Point out nonwhining times. To show your child the vivid contrast between how you react when she does & doesn't whine, immediately praise her quieting down by saying, "You are being so pleasant, let's go get a toy!" or "I haven't heard you cry for the longest time!" or "Thanks for not whining."
Don'ts: Don't give in to a whining child. If you give your whining child attention by talking to her or giving her what she's whining for, you're teaching her that whining is the way to get what she wants.
Don't whine yourself. Adult complaining may sound like whining to your child. If you're doing it, your preschool mimic will say to herself that it must be okay for her. If you're in a bad mood, don't get angry with your child because you're angry with the world. Simply tell your child that you're feeling out of sorts, but don't whine about it.
Don't get angry with your child. Just because your child is having an off day, don't get angry yourself. She'll not only mistake your outbursts for attention, but your getting upset gives your child a feeling of power over you. She may continue to whine just to show you she's the boss.
Don't try to punish away crying & whining. The old retort, "I'll give you something to really cry about," only creates conflict between you & your child & tells your child that it's never okay to cry, making her feel guilty for having disgruntled feelings. Allow crying & whining with restrictions, because crying may be the only way your child knows how to vent frustrations at the time, particularly if she's a pretalker.
Remember, this will not last forever. Your child may be having a bad day or going through a period when nothing seems to please her, so she may spend more time whining & crying about life in general until she gets back in tune with her world. Tell yourself, "And this too shall pass," while you try to make life as pleasant as possible for your child by praising any good behaviour.
TALKING BACK
When backtalk--sarcasm, short retorts, & unpleasant side remarks--spews forth from your previously angelic preschooler's mouth, you become painfully aware of your child's ability to mimic words (good & bad) & control his world with them. Backtalk can only be learned (like all language) by exposure to it, so limit the opportunities your child has to hear unpleasant words. Monitor television, friends, & your own language, to eliminate backtalk from his vocabulary.
Prevention: Talk to your child as you want to be talked to. Teach your child how to use language you want to hear. Say, "thank you," "please," & "I'm sorry." Also teach him that it's not always what he says but how he says it that is considered backtalk.
Decide what constitutes backtalk. In order to react rationally to your child's increasingly diversified verbal behaviour, you need to think about whether what your child says is backtalk or simply how he says words.
Monitor friends, media, & personal speech. Keep tabs on what words slip through your lips & those of friends, peers, family, & television characters to limit the exposure your child has to backtalk.
Do's: Compliment nice talk. Let your child know what kind of talk you prefer him to use by pointing out when backtalk is not occurring. Say,"I like it when you don't shout back at me when I ask you a question. That was so nice of you." Tell him it's often how he says something that makes speech backtalk. Say, "I don't care" in an angry voice; then say it in a pleasant voice to illustrate your point.
Don'ts: Don't play "gotcha". Since you know that backtalk is the way your child tries to get power over you, don't use backtalk yourself. He may find fun ways of entertaining himself by seeing how he can get you mad or get your attention by using backtalk, which you don't want to encourage.
Don't teach backtalk. Shouting answers back to your child will only show him how to use backtalk. Although it's hard not to yell when you're being yelled at, try to teach your child how to be respectful by being respectful to him. Be polite to your child, as if he were a guest in your home.
Don't use severe punishment for backtalk. Save your strongest punishment for really important, harmful behaviours that are dangerous to himself & others. Backtalk is, at worst, annoying & rude.
NAME-CALLING
Blossoming preschool linguists test out the power of calling people names to let the world know that they're the boss & can talk like it. Because you know your child's testing the word's strength as well as the reaction it gets, teach your child that name-calling will never cause the harm she thinks it might. React calmly to being called a name to burst the bubble of influence your child hopes name-calling will have. (Editor: But employ an appropriate disciplinary measure, something agreed upon previously with your child.) Help your child practice what you preach, as well, when she's the victim of name-calling; she'll see that this verbal game isn't much fun when played by one.
Prevention: Check pet names. Avoid calling your child nicknames that you wouldn't want her to call someone else. There's a difference between saying, "You little devil" & "You little doll" to someone.
Teach substitutes for being a name-calling victim. Suggest desirable ways for your child to react when she's the victim of a name-caller. Say, "When your friend calls you a bad name, tell her that you can't play with her when she calls you names."
Decide what's a bad name & what isn't. Make sure you have educated your child about what names are not to be used before you expect her to know "legal" & "illegal" words.
Do's: Put your child in Time Out. Remove your child from fun she's having for a specific length of time to say to her that when you do things that aren't approved, you lose your chances for playing. Say, "I'm sorry you called the name--time out."
Notice nice talk. Praise your child when she's not calling names to show her what language you do & don't approve of her using.
Stick to your reactions. Every time your child is the name-caller, use the same reaction to teach her that name-calling is never a game you want to play. Say, "I'm sorry you called a name. Now you'll have to go to time out" or other previously agreed-upon disciplinary measure.
Don'ts: Don't show how to name-call. Because being called names is so irritating, it's easy to shout back to your child the same ridiculous words she says to you, like, "You dummy! You should know better than to call names." This gives your preschooler permission to use the kinds of names you did. Channel your rage into an explanation of how & why you feel so upset, to teach your child when her words or actions make you happy or unhappy & how you'd like her to react when she feels like name-calling.
INTERRUPTING
Because a preschooler's most priceless possession is his parents' attention, he will try anything to get it back when the telephone, another person, or the doorbell takes it away. Limit the tricks your child tries to play to get your undivided attention by providing him with special playthings reserved for those times you chat with the competition. This will keep your child busy without you, while you're busy without him.
Prevention: Limit the length of conversations. Knowing your child's ability to delay gratification is relatively limited, be a prudent parent by talking only for a short period of time while your child is near, unoccupied, & wanting your attention.
Practice play telephone. Teach your child what you mean by not interrupting. Practice uninterruptive behaviour with two play phones--one for each of you. Tell him, "This is how I talk on the phone, & this is how you play while I'm on the phone." Then let your child be the phone talker & you the onlooker. This defines interrupting for your child, as well as shows him what behaviours can replace interrupting.
Set up rules for telephone playtime. Gather special toys & materials in a drawer near the phone (let over-two-year-olds choose themselves). While you're on the telephone, insist that your child play with those toys as you watch him & give facial & verbal attention by smiling as you tell your child how nicely he's playing. Before you select toys for the drawer, think about how adept your child is at playing with them without parental supervision, to reduce your need to be interrupted just to control his play.
Do's: Praise nice playing & not interrupting. If your child is getting attention (smiles, praise, etc.) when he's being good & not interrupting, he won't need or want to barge in on your conversation to put in his two cents worth. Excuse yourself from whomever you are talking with & say to your child, "Thanks for playing so nicely with your doll. I'm so proud of you for having fun on your own."
Get your child involved with your life. Try to include your child in your conversation when a friend visits you, for example, to lessen the chances that he will interrupt you to get recognised as being there.
Don'ts: Don't get angry & yell at your child for interrupting. Don't encourage interrupting by showing your child how to do it.
Don't interrupt your child or others yourself. Even if your child is a constant chatterbox, show him that you practice what you preach by not interrupting him when he's talking.
Use Grandma's Rule. Let your child know that you will soon be all his again & that he can earn your attention by having fun while he waits for you. Use the timer to limit conversations; when it rings, let your child know he can now interact with you. Say, "When you have played with your toys for two minutes & the timer rings, I will be through talking on the phone & will play with you."
Reprimand & use Time Out. Use a reprimand such as "Stop interrupting. I cannot talk to my friend while I'm being interrupted. Instead of interrupting, please play with your cars." If your child continues to interrupt, use Time Out to remove him from the possibility of immediately getting attention for interrupting. Say, "I'm sorry that you're continuing to interrupt--time out."
AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR
Like bulls in china closets, many energetic little dynamos under six years old hurl toys or themselves at the nearest targets when frustrated, angry, or just in rambunctious spirits. Why? Because reasoning or compromising is not one of their problem-solving techniques, & throwing books or toys doesn't seem any more wrong than tossing balls. Tame your child by educating her about properly getting along with others. Briefly show & tell (even your one-year-old) what may be acceptably done to other people & toys (Illegal: Hitting, biting, throwing, teasing; Legal: Kissing, hugging, talking), & why these actions are good or bad. Strictly & consistently enforce the rules to help guide your child on the path of appropriate behaviour, not destruction of herself & others.
Note: If your child's aggressive behaviour is a regular feature of her daily "getting along" play & is disruptive to friends, family, & yourself, seek counsel to find out what may lie underneath your child's angry & frustrated play.
Prevention: Supervise play closely. To prevent your child from learning aggressive behaviour from her peers, monitor how she & her friends are caring for their toys. Don't let aggressive behaviour cause injury or damage; do unto your child's friends' misbehaviour as you would do unto your own child's.
Don't teach aggressive behaviour. Do to your things what you want your children to do to theirs. For example, hitting & throwing things when you're angry shows your child how to be aggressive when she's mad.
Point out biting & hitting when you see someone else doing it. At a neutral time, explain how it's making the other person feel to be bitten or hit--to let your child see just how unpleasant aggressive behaviour is for both sides.
Do's: Tell your child what to do besides hit. When aggressive behaviour starts, give your child a list of things to do besides hit when she's feeling upset. Tell your child that she can do things like ask for help or say, "I'm not playing anymore," & simply leave the group of kids for a minute. Have her practice saying those lines five times after you familiarise her with the words & how to use them.
Compliment getting along. Point out what getting along is & what it isn't by telling your child how much you like how she shares, takes turns, or asks for help. Simply say, "Good sharing with your friend, honey," always being specific about what you're praising. The more praise, the friendlier the group or individual behaviour.
Use reprimands. Reprimand your child to help her understand that you're not going to stop a behaviour for no reason at all--& you respect her ability to understand why you interrupted it. The three parts to a reprimand include giving a command to stop ("Stop hitting!"), giving an alternative to hitting ("When you're angry, just leave the group," or "When you're angry, ask an adult for help."), & providing a reason for stopping ("Hitting hurts!"). If your child continues being aggressive, repeat the reprimand, adding Time Out to give more power to the situation.
Forget the incident when it's over. Reminding your child about past aggression doesn't teach her not to be aggressive; it just reminds her of how she could be again.
Don'ts: Don't let off steam when your child is. Your getting angry when your child hits only suggests to your child that she can use aggression to get power over you.
GETTING INTO THINGS
Just getting into first gear in their first year, one-year-olds feel the joy of exploration from their toes to their teeth. If given no restraints, everything & everyone is within their reach, by knees or soles. Your one-year-old doesn't automatically know what are no-no's & what's okay, though by two & older he's able to make the distinction once you've set him straight. While restricting the adventures of your little wanderers, keep in mind the balance you're trying to strike in all the preschool years (& older) between letting normal, healthy curiosity be expressed & teaching what is & isn't appropriate for your child to do in & out of your home.
Prevention: Childproof your house. Keeping doors closed & areas fenced off & supervising young travellers will limit the number of times you say no in a day & make life less dangerous for you & your child. Children under three years old may not understand why they may not go where they want, particularly when they're trying so hard to establish their independence & make their mark on the world.
Decide what may & may not be touched. Decide what is legal & let your child in on the distinction when he is as young as possible. Say, "You may play in here or there," for example, "but not in Daddy's office."
Put away no-no's that must not break. A one-, two-, or three-year-old will not understand the difference between a precious vase that's been left within his reach & the one-dollar variety. Play it safe by removing those items that must not be broken, until little minds & hands won't try to grab for everything despite being instructed not to.
Teach how your child can go into off-limits areas. Explain to your child the legal ways to go into off-limits areas, because never being allowed to go into a room or across the street, for example, makes him want to do it more. Say, for instance, "You can go into Mommy's office, but only with Mommy or another adult."
Do's: Use reprimands. Consistently reprimand your child for the same offense to teach him you mean what you say. Say, "Stop going into that room! I'm sorry you were playing in here. You know this is off-limits. I'd like you to ask Mommy to come with you if you want to go into this room."
Put your child in Time Out. If your child climbs on the kitchen table repeatedly (& if that's a no-no), reprimand him again & say "time out," putting him in Time Out to strengthen the reminder.
Keep track of when your child follows the rules. Tell your child how proud you are of him for remembering not to touch certain things. Giving him that compliment will reward his behaviour with attention & promote his wanting to do the right thing again. Say, "How nice of you to play in here where you are supposed to" or "Thanks for not climbing on the coffee table."
Teach your child to touch with his eyes, not his hands. Tell your child that he may look at a piece of jewelry, or vase, or picture, for example, with his eyes, not with his hands. This allows him the freedom to explore the desirable item in a limited, controlled way.
Don'ts: Don't make no-no's more inviting. If you become angry when your child breaks a rule, he'll see that he can get your attention from misbehaviour & be encouraged to get into trouble more often.
Don't use severe punishment. Reprimands & Time Out are okay, however, because they won't damage your child's self-esteem or confuse him into thinking that all he has to do is break something to get you to pay attention to him.
DESTROYING PROPERTY
The line between destructive & creative play is not drawn for preschoolers until parents etch it in stone for them. So, before your child ages past her first birthday, draw the line by telling (& showing) her what she can & can't paint, tear up, or take apart, for example, to prevent your budding artist from doing unintentional damage to her & others' property. Consistently teach your child to have pride in & care for her & others' things while you let her creative juices flow in appropriate times & places--on drawing paper, not wallpaper, with a take-apart play phone, not your real telephone.
Prevention: Provide toys that are strong enough to be investigated but not destroyed. It's natural for preschoolers to try to take apart & put together toys that lend themselves to this kind of activity, as well as ones that won't. Fill your child's play area with toys that do things (stacking toys, push-button games) instead of those that just sit there (like the piano that you can't play) in order to stimulate the kind of creative play you want to encourage.
Give her things to wear & tear. Provide plenty of old clothes & paper for papir-mach, dress-up, painting, or other activities for your preschooler so she won't substitute new & precious materials for her own innocent projects.
Share specific rules about caring for & playing with toys. Since children don't innately know the value of things or how to play with everything, teach them about newspapers & books, for example. Say, "Your colouring book is the only thing you can colour on with your crayons. Nothing else is for crayons." Or, "This wax apple does not come apart & cannot be eaten like a real one. If you'd like an apple to eat, I'll give you one."
Supervise your child's play. Keep an intermittent eye on your child while she's playing because you can't expect her to care for things the way you would.
Be consistent about what's playing & what's destroying. Don't confuse your child & make her test the legal waters over & over again by letting her destroy something she shouldn't. She won't know what to expect & won't understand when you destroy her fun by punishing her for a no-no that was formerly a yes-yes.
Remind her about caring. Increase your chances for keeping destruction to a minimum by letting your child know when she is taking wonderful care of her toys. This reminds her of the rule, helps her feel good about herself, & makes her proud of her possessions.
Do's: Use reprimands. If your child is under two, briefly give her a reprimand (tell her what she did, why it was wrong, & what she should have done) to help her understand why she's been taken away from her fun.
Put your child in Time Out. If you've given your child a reprimand & your child destroys property again, repeat the reprimand & put her in Time Out.
Don'ts: Don't expect too much. If your child breaks something, don't throw a tantrum yourself. Your anger communicates the idea that you care more for your things than you do your child. Make sure your degree of disappointment over something being destroyed isn't out of proportion to what happened.
Don't use severe punishment. If no danger was incurred or could have been by your child's activities, concentrate on teaching your child how to care for things correctly instead of focusing on the wrongdoing.
TAKING THINGS
Since everything in the world belongs to a preschooler until someone tells him differently, it's never too early to teach him not to take things from others. Parents are their children's consciences until the time they develop them. So every time your child takes things that aren't his, enforce the consequences to keep him legal now & after he's out from under your wing.
Prevention: Make rules. Encourage your child to inform you when he wants things by teaching him how to ask for them. Decide what may not be taken from public places or others' homes, & let your child know that game plan. A basic rule might be "You must always ask me if you can have something before you pick it up."
Do's: Explain how to get things without stealing. Your child may not understand why he cannot take things he sees when he wants to, so you must make him aware of correct & incorrect behaviour. Say, "You may ask me for some crackers; if I say yes, you may pick up the package & hold it until we pay for it."
Be consistent. Don't let your child take something from the grocery store shelf one day but not the next time you go shopping. This will only confuse him when he's trying to decide for himself what can & cannot be his.
Show what you mean by stealing. Educate your child about the difference between borrowing & stealing & the results of each, to make sure he knows what you mean when you say, "You must not steal."
Let your child pay for stealing. To help him realise the cost of stealing, have your child work off the theft by doing odd jobs around the house or giving up one of his prized possessions. Say, for example, "I'm sorry that you took something that didn't belong to you. Because you did that, you must give up something that belongs to you." The possession he gives up could be used several months later as a reward for good behaviour.
Make children return stolen objects. Teach your child that he cannot keep things that aren't his or are borrowed without permission. Enforce the rule that he returns it himself (with you, if necessary).
Enforce Time Out. When your child takes something that doesn't belong to him, let him know that he must be isolated from people & activities because he broke the rule. Say, "I'm sorry that you took something that wasn't yours. Time out."
Don'ts: Don't be a historian. Don't remind your child about a stealing incident. Bringing up the past will only reteach him what to do wrong, not right.
Don't label your child. Don't call your child a thief, for example, because he will begin to behave according to how he's labeled.
Don't ask your child whether he stole something. Asking only encourages lying. "I know I'll be punished. Why not lie to avoid the pain?" he says to himself.
Don't hesitate to search your child. If you suspect your child has stolen something, verify it yourself by searching him. Use consequences if you find he did steal. Say, "I'm sorry you took something that didn't belong to you," & use the above "what to do" procedures.
POSSESSIVENESS
The word "mine" is the password preschoolers use to remind each other (& adults) that they own their world & are important enough to have territorial rights whenever & however they want. Despite the wars that this four-letter word incites in all households with under-five-year-olds, possessiveness will be alive & well until children are developmentally ready to let it die (between three & four-year-olds). Help more peacetime prevail by consistently teaching your child the give-&-take rules of the world. Enforce these sharing rules at your house, but be patient. Don't expect them to be righteously followed until you see your child sharing without your intervention--the glorious sign that she's ready to broaden her boundaries.
Prevention: Make sure some toys strictly belong to your child. Before preschoolers can let go of the word "mine" & the things they attach to it, they must be given the chance to possess things. For example, put away favorite toys or blankets so they will not have to be shared when visitors play at your house. This will keep some territory your child's very own.
Point out how you & your friends share. Show your child that she isn't the only one in the world expected to share her things. Give examples at neutral (nonsharing) times of how you & your friends share books (say, "Mary borrowed my cookbook today" or "Charlie borrowed my lawnmower.")
Point out what sharing means & how much you like it to make sharing as attractive as possible. Tell your child how nicely she's sharing whenever she allows another person to look at or play with her toy. Say, "I like the way you're sharing by letting your friend have that toy for a minute," for example.
Put labels on some toys (for twins or children close in age). Make sure you don't confuse your child's teddy bear with her sister's or brother's, for example, if they are the same. Label each one with a name or piece of thread to help your child feel confident that everything that's hers is not also her brother's or sister's.
Set up sharing rules. Before friends come to play, let your child know what's expected of her at group sharing times. For example, teach her this rule: If you put a toy down, anyone may play with it. If you have it in your hands, you may keep it.
Understand that your child may share better at a friend's house. Because it's not your child's territory, she may play a more passive role when at someone else's house & take a more possessive, aggressive role at hers.
Remember that sharing is a developmental task. Learning to share is an accomplishment that cannot be rushed. Usually at three to four years of age, your child will begin to share things on her own without being reminded.
Do's: Supervise one- & two-year-olds' play. Because children younger than three years old cannot be expected to share, stay close by while they're playing to help resolve sharing conflicts they are too young to handle without help.
Set the timer. When two children are calling a toy "mine," show how the give-&-take of sharing works. Tell one child that you will be setting the timer & when the buzzer goes off, the other child can have the toy. Keep doing the buzzer routine until they have grown tired of the toy (usually two buzzers later).
Put toys in Time Out. If a toy is the root of the problem because one child will not share, put the sought-after toy in Time Out to put it out of the children's reach. If the toy is not with the children, it cannot cause any trouble. Say, "This toy is causing trouble; it must go into time out." If the children keep fighting over the toy after it has been brought out, keep removing the toy to make the point that not sharing a toy means that no one plays with that toy.
Don'ts: Don't get upset. Remember that your child will learn the rule about sharing when she can, not by force or demanding from you. When you see your child sharing--you'll know she's ready!
Don't punish for occasionally not sharing. Remove the offending toy rather than punish your child if she occasionally cannot share something. This puts the blame on the toy, not the child.
FIGHTING CLEANUP ROUTINES
From a no-more-tears formula shampoo to disposable diapers, products abound to make bathing, diapering, & shampooing as palatable as possible to preschoolers & their parents. It's expected & even predicted (as these manufacturers know) that preschoolers will find cleaning routines distasteful, so don't feel alone as you persevere with rinsing & soaking. Try to make the cleaning tasks less tedious by diverting your child's attention (sing songs, tell stories) & praising any cooperation (even handing you the soap).
Note: Make the distinction between what products irritate your child physically (does it burn eyes?) & mentally (are all soaps undesirable?) by seeing whether his protests are telling you more than just that he doesn't like the cleaning event.
Prevention: Compromise on cleanup time & place. Try to make compromises with your child about when you wash his hair, for example, so your child will not miss something he's looking forward to just to have his hair washed.
Involve your child in the process. Help your child play a part in the routine of cleaning himself. Ask him to bring you things he can carry, according to his age, skill level, & ability to follow directions. Let him pick a favourite toy or towel, for example, as a bath companion to give him a feeling of having some control of the cleaning routine.
Prepare your child for the coming event. Give your child some warning before bath, for example, to make the change from playing to bathing less abrupt. Say, "When the timer rings, it will be time for the tub," or "In a few minutes we will have to clean up," or "When we finish this book, it will be time for your bath."
Gather materials before starting. If your child is too young to help you prepare, make sure you have your ammunition at hand before going to the cleanup task. This gets the process on the way without unnecessary delay.
Develop a positive attitude. Your child will pick up on the dread in your voice if you announce bathtime like it's a sentence to jail, & he will decide it's really as horrible as he thought if you are worried about it, too. Since your attitude is contagious, make it one you want imitated.
Do's: Remain calm & ignore the noise. A calm mood in dealing with your upset child will be contagious.
Have fun in the process. Talk & play with your child while he's struggling by quoting verses or singing to distract his attention. Say, "Let's sing `I'm So Happy'," or "I'll bet you can't catch this boat & make it dive into the water." Simply make it a monologue if your child's too young to participate verbally.
Encourage his help & shower your child with praise. Ask your child to wash his own tummy or rub on the soap to give him a feeling of controlling & participating in his personal hygiene. Even the slightest sign of cooperation is a signal for praise. Lather on the words of encouragement--the more your child gets attention for acting like you'd prefer, the more he'll repeat the action to get your praise. Say, "I really like how you put that shampoo on your hair," or "That's great the way you're sitting up in the tub," or "Thanks for being so calm while I wash your hair."
Enforce Grandma's Rule. Let your child know that when he's done something you want him to do (take a bath), he can do what he'd like (read a story). Say, "When your bath is over, then we will have a story," or "When we're finished, then you can play."
Persist in the task at hand. Despite the kicking, screaming, & yelling about becoming neat & clean, remember that you're going to finish the process. The more your child sees that yelling isn't going to prevent you from washing away the dirt, the more he'll understand that you can get the job done faster if he takes the path of least resistance.
Compliment the sweet & soft. Tell your child how delightful he looks & smells; ask him to go look in the mirror to remind him about why he needs to have a bath or wash up. Your preschooler's learning to take pride in himself will help him to incorporate the desire to keep clean into his own priorities, as well as yours.
Don'ts: Don't make cleanup painful. Try to provide towels with which your child can wipe his eyes or a wrap-up robe for him to step into, for example, to make cleanup as comfortable as possible.
Don't avoid cleanup. Just because your child resists, don't back down on the cause of cleanliness. Resistance to cleanup can be overcome by persistence.
MESSINESS
Little people make big messes, & unfortunately for orderly parents, small children are usually absolutely oblivious to their self-made clutter. Knowing that your child is not messy, but simply unaware of the need to clean up after herself, teach her (the younger the better) that messes don't disappear magically--the mess maker (& helpers) clean them up. Share this fact of life with your child, but don't expect perfection in her following the rule. Encourage rather than demand neatness by praising the slightest attempt your child makes at playing the cleanup game.
Prevention:
Clean up as you go along. For example, show your child how to put away her toys immediately after she's done playing to limit clutter as she bounces from plaything to plaything. Help your child pick up the picking-up habit early in life to encourage her being a neater child &, later, a more organised adult.
Show her how to clean up her mess. Provide appropriately sized boxes & cans, for instance, in which your child can physically put away her toys, clay, etc. Show her how the things fit inside the container & where the container goes when filled, to eliminate the possibility that she just doesn't know what you mean when you ask her to put something away or clean something up.
Be as specific as you can. Instead of asking your child to clean up her room, tell her exactly what you'd like cleaned up. Say, for instance, "Let's put the pegs in the bucket & the blocks in the box," to make it as simple as possible for your child to follow your directions.
Provide adequate cleanup supplies. Don't expect your child to know what to use to clean up her mess all by herself. Give her the right cloth to wash the table off, for example, praising all the efforts she puts into the cleaning after you've given her the tools of the trade.
Confine activities to a safe place. Make sure you let your child perform messy play (painting, clay) in the least vulnerable places. Don't expect her to know not to destroy the living room carpet when you've let her fingerpaint in there, for example.
Do's: Use Grandma's Rule. If your child refuses to clean up a mess she's made, make her fun dependent on doing the job you request. Say, for example, "Yes, I know that you don't want to pick up blocks. But when you have picked them up, you may go outside to play." Remember that your child (one year & older) can help in the cleanup process in even a small way, & she needs to try her best at whatever level she can, slowly building up to more difficult tasks.
Assist in cleanup jobs. Sometimes the cleanup job is too big for a child's muscles or hands. Join in the work to encourage sharing & cooperation, two lessons you want your child to learn at the preschool level. Seeing Mom or Dad clean up, for example, makes cleaning up that much more of an inviting & reasonable activity.
Play Beat-the-Clock. When made into a game of beating the timer, picking up toys changes from being an arduous task to a fun game. Join in the fun by saying, for example, "When you've picked up the toys before the buzzer rings, you can take out another toy." When your child is successful at beating the clock, praise her accomplishment & follow through on your promise.
Praise any cleaning effort. Encourage your child to clean up after herself by using a powerful motivator--praise! Comment about the great job she's doing while she's putting her crayons away by saying, "I really am glad that you put that red crayon in the basket. Thanks for helping to clean up your room."
Don'ts: Don't expect perfection. Your child has had only a few hundred days to practice cleaning up after herself, so don't expect her job to be perfect. Just the fact that she tries means she's learning how to do the chore; she will improve with practice & age.
Don't punish messiness. Your child cannot yet understand the value of neatness & doesn't have the physical maturity to stay tidy. "My parents leave their toys lying about, so why can't I?" your child may say to herself when she sees ashtrays, newspapers, or pens on the coffee table.
Don't expect children to prepare themselves for messes. Your child does not know the value of nice clothing. Provide old ones to put on backwards, for example, instead of expecting her to keep her expensive ones tidy while she paints.
SIBLING RIVALRY
Tattling on brothers & sisters & jealousy of a new sibling from the first day he invades the family--these are just two examples of how sibling rivalry wreaks havoc on family relationships. Because preschoolers are constantly flapping their wings of independence & importance, they often fight with their siblings for the space, time & place of being number one in their most important world--their family. Though sibling rivalry is a fact of life in the most amiable of family relationships, its frequency can be decreased by encouraging each of your preschoolers to feel he's special--one of a kind. To keep sibling rivalry to a manageable minimum, show that getting along reaps other benefits like attention & privileges.
Note: To decrease the sibling rivalry centered around a new baby, make sure you play with your older child when the new baby is awake as well as asleep. This will prevent your first child from equating your giving him attention with the baby's being out of sight. Spending time together makes older children think, "I get Mom's attention when the baby's here as well as gone. That baby's not so bad after all!"
Prevention: Prepare your child before a new baby invades his world. Discuss with your first child (if he's over one year old) how he will be included in the life of the new baby. Tell him what the family's daily life will consist of when the baby arrives. This helps him know he's expected to help & not play second fiddle; it also helps him feel that he's an important part of loving his sister or brother & meeting the baby's needs, just as you are.
Make realistic getting-along goals. Don't expect your child to smother the new baby with as much tenderness as you do. He may be older, but don't forget that he has needs that he wants fulfilled, too.
Plan time alone with each of your children. Even if you have a half-dozen under-six-year-olds to attend to, try to plan time alone for you & each one (for example, a bath, walk, trip to the grocery store). This helps you focus your attention on a single child & his needs, & it lets you be aware of feelings & problems that may not surface amid the roar of the crowd at home.
Make individual project boards (for parents of twins or children close in age). Display each child's creativity in his own special place to reassure your child that it merits individual attention.
Do's: Play Beat-the-Clock. When your children are fighting among each other for your undivided attention, for example, let the timer determine when it's each child's turn to be held. This lets you be shared & lets each child know he will have a turn to be your number one object of attention, just like his brothers & sisters.
Offer alternatives to fighting. Allowing fighting to flare up & continue to burn around your house doesn't teach children how to get along. Instead of allowing wars to be fought, give children a choice about what they can do when they're battling with each other--get along or not get along. Say, "You may get along with each other & continue to play, or not get along & be separated in time out." Let them get in the habit of making choices to give them a feeling of control over their lives & to help them learn to make decisions on their own.
Define getting along. Be specific in praising children when they are playing nicely together to make sure your children know what you mean by getting along. Say, "That's great that you're sharing & playing together so nicely. I really like how you're getting along so well--it makes playing together fun."
Don'ts: Don't respond to tattling. Children tattle on each other as a way of enhancing their position with their parents. This game of one-upmanship can be stopped by your saying, "I'm sorry you aren't getting along!" & pretending that the tattling didn't occur. (Editor: --Although you should encourage children to report a dangerous activity right away. Of course an adult should usually be right there at all times with this age group.)
Don't get upset when your children don't love each other all the time. Due to human nature, children cannot live in the same home without some rivalry existing between them. Keep friction to a minimum by rewarding getting along & not allowing the rivalry to become war.
Don't hold grudges. After the fighting's settled, don't remind your children that they used to be enemies in the war. Start over with a clean slate.
TOILETING ACCIDENTS
Toilet training is the first major battle of wills between parents & preschoolers. The war breaks out when parents ask their independence-loving offspring to give up something that is second nature to them & to begin to do something that is new & often undesirable. To most children, what is desirable about toilet training is pleasing their parents; so to foster the least accident-prone toilet training possible, try to put more attention on what your child should do (keep her pants dry, tinkle in the potty) than on what she shouldn't do (tinkle in her pants). Help your child feel proud of herself while you lessen the likelihood that she will have an accident just to get your attention & reaction. (This section does not discuss bedwetting at night or naptime.)
Prevention: Look for signals that your child is ready for training (most children are ready somewhere around the age of two). The generally accepted signs of readiness are: the ability to stay dry for a few hours at a time; to understand words like "potty," "wet," & "dry"; & to follow simple directions like "pull down your pants," "sit on the potty seat," etc. (Editor: Of course, it's been proven that babies from 3-5 months old can be successfully started on potty training!)
Model correct potty usage. Familiarise your child with the potty & how it is used by showing her how you go to the bathroom & then how she can.
Make it as convenient as possible to potty where & when your child might need to. Take your child's potty with you in the initial stages of potty training in order to help her feel comfortable about pottying in public.
Use a toilet training procedure & stick with it. The book "Toilet Training in Less Than a Day" gives a step-by-step approach.
Do's: Reward being dry as well as correct toileting. Teach your child to keep herself dry by telling her how good staying dry is. This will help her emphasise the times she has done what you've expected of her (stay dry) & give that behaviour more attention than she does mistakes. Frequently say to your child, "Check your pants--are they dry?" This also makes the responsibility of checking on her dryness rest with your child, making her feel more in control of the matter. If she's dry, tell her you're glad. Say, "How nice that you are staying dry."
Remind your child of the rule for wrong places. Many preschoolers will occasionally pee-pee or have a BM in an inappropriate place (outside, for example). When your child has that experience, remind her that the rule is "You're supposed to go potty in the potty. Let's practice." Then proceed in practicing correct pottying procedures.
React calmly to accidents. Lean your toilet training efforts toward asking your child to practice how to stay dry by correctly toileting. This strengthens your child's self-confidence & shows her that she can toilet in the way you want her to. If your child is wet, say, "I'm sorry that you are wet. Now we need to practice staying dry." Then practice several times going to the toilet from various parts of the house (pants down, sit on the toilet, pants up, sit on the toilet at the next station, etc.) In practice it's not necessary for your child to urinate or have a bowel movement, but only to go through correct toileting motions.
Remember, children don't always see a reason for toileting the way we want. If being wet is not a problem for your child, emphasise the importance of dryness through rewards to help children recognise its benefits. Say, "You're such a big girl for keeping dry. Because you're staying dry, we can read a book now," for example.
Use Grandma's Rule in public. When your child only wants to go in her potty when you are in public, enforce Grandma's Rule. Take your child's potty with you if you can, or offer incentives for using other people's potties, like, "We need to keep dry. One potty is the same as another. We can't use your potty because it's not here. When you've used this potty, we can go on a trip to the zoo."
Don'ts: Don't punish toileting accidents. Punishment only gives your child attention for toileting in her pants or another wrong place & doesn't teach how to stay dry.
Don't ask the wrong question. Saying "check your pants" frequently acts as a subtle reminder & is a good substitute for "Do you need to go potty?" a question generally answered by no. Help your child feel responsible for checking her dry-wet condition & doing something about it to increase how grown-up she feels because she's able to take care of herself like Mom & Dad.
CLINGING TO PARENTS
The image of a child clutching his mother's skirt, hanging on for dear life while she tries to cook or walk out the door, is not an imaginary one for many parents of clinging preschoolers--it's a very real & emotionally draining part of daily life. Though tough to resist, don't give in to the temptation to stay home or play with a clinging vine as you go about the task of living your life. If you want or need to leave your child with a babysitter, arm him with firm, loving reassurance that you're proud of him for playing alone & that you will return, & tell him in a sincere voice that you are happy he has the chance to play with the baby sitter. Your positive attitude will be contagious (as would a negative one) & will provide a model for feeling okay about being separated from you & having a good time in the process of independence. Providing your child with armfuls of hugs & kisses during neutral times helps prevent him from feeling ignored & clinging to you to get attention. Clinging differs from hugging--it's an immediate, urgent demand for attention.
Prevention: Practice leaving your child at an early age. To get your child used to the idea that you may not always be around, practice leaving him occasionally (with supervision) for short periods of time (a few hours) early in his life.
Tell your child what you'll both be doing in your absence. Telling your child what you'll be doing when you are gone gives him a good example to follow when you ask him to talk about his day's activities. Describe what he'll be doing & where you will be while you're away from each other so he won't worry about your fate or his. Say, for example, "Laura will fix your dinner, read you a story, & then you'll go to bed. Your Daddy & I are going out to dinner, & we'll be back at eleven o'clock tonight." Or say, for example, "I need to cook dinner now. When I've done that & you've played with Play-Doh, then we can read a story together."
Play peekaboo. This simple game gets your child used to the idea that things (& you) go &, most important, come back. One- through five-year-olds play peekaboo in a variety of ways--by hiding behind their hands, watching others hide behind their fingers, & (for two- to five-year-olds in particular), engaging in a more physically active game of hide-&-seek.
Reassure your child that you will be coming back. Don't forget to tell him that you will be returning--& prove to him you're as good as your word by coming back when you said you would.
Provide activities that your child only gets to do when you're away or busy.
Prepare your child for the separation. Plant the suggestion that you are leaving & that your child can cope while you're gone by saying, "I know you're such a big boy & that you'll be fine while I'm gone." If you surprise him by leaving without warning, he may always wonder when you're going to disappear suddenly again.
Do's: Prepare yourself for noise when you separate & your child doesn't like it. Remember that the noise will only subside when your child learns the valuable lesson that he can survive without you for a brief time. Say to yourself, "I know that his crying is letting me know that he loves me. He needs to learn that though I don't play with him or may go away, I will always be back again & will play soon."
Praise your child when you've separated. Make your child proud of his abilities to play by himself. Say, "I'm so proud of you for entertaining yourself while I clean the oven," for example. "You are really grown-up." This will make his time away from you hold more benefits from both of your points of view.
Recognise that your child needs some time with & without you. Breaks from being together day in & day out are necessary for both children & parents. So persist in your daily routine, even if your child protests your doing something besides play with him or fusses when you leave him with a babysitter occasionally.
Start separations slowly. If your child demands too much of your time, play Beat-the-Clock. Give him five minutes of your time & five minutes to play by himself. Keep increasing the play-by-himself time for each five minutes of your time until your child can play for one hour by himself.
Don'ts: Don't become upset when your child clings. Assume you are more comfortable to be with than the big world & your child prefers your company.
Don't punish your child for clinging.
Don't give mixed messages. Don't tell your child to go away while holding, patting, or stroking him. This confuses your child about whether he should stay or go.
Make sure you don't make getting sick more fun than being well by letting your child do things when he's sick that are usually unacceptable.
INTERACTING WITH STRANGERS
"Don't take candy from strangers" is an admonition millions of parents of preschoolers dish out to their young ones every time they venture from home without them. The warning is a valid one. Children need to learn how to behave in general with strangers, just as they need to know how to interact with people with whom they are expected to socialise. Minimise the fear your child has of strangers by teaching her how to differentiate between saying hello & going with strangers or following a stranger's suggestions, for instance. Soon your child will have the security of knowing what to do when you're there & when you're not.
Prevention: Establish the rule. Let your child know your rules about interacting with strangers. A basic rule could be: "You may only say hello or no to people you don't know. If a stranger asks you to go with him or tries to give you anything, say no & run to the nearest house & ring the doorbell." (Editor: This is good advice to share with friends; however, we believe that children 1-5 should always be accompanied by an adult, & therefore may be more free in their conversation.)
Practice following the rules. Pretend you are a stranger & ask your child to run to the nearest house to familiarise your child with following your directions concerning strangers.
Don't try to frighten your child. Fear only breeds confusion & doesn't teach your child what to do. She needs to know how to think on her feet when strangers invade her privacy. Being fearful on a grand scale will destroy her ability to behave rationally.
Do's: Encourage your child to be friendly. Friendly children tend to be more readily accepted by others as they go through life, so teaching friendliness is important. It's important to differentiate (for young & older children) what, when, & how friendliness should be transmitted.
Model friendliness. Show your child the proper way to be friendly by saying hello to people, even strangers you meet on the street. Trying to teach children how to differentiate between strangers who are potentially dangerous & those who aren't is impossible. Even adults are often fooled by "normal-looking" criminals. Add to each of your lessons some words about how to be friendly without going with strangers or taking their offers of candy, gifts, etc.
Don'ts: Don't instill fear of people. To help your child avoid the danger of being molested, teach her the rule; but do not teach her to fear people. Fear only inhibits correct decision-making, regardless of age.
Don't worry about your child bothering others by saying hello. Even if a person doesn't acknowledge the greeting, it is good for your child to have offered a salutation at the correct time & place.
WANDERING AWAY IN PUBLIC
Curious little preschoolers make mental lists of what to see & do at shopping centers, grocery stores, etc., just as their parents do on paper. Chaos breaks out when the two lists don't match--& the preschoolers think their lists take priority. Knowing that your child's safety takes precedence over his curiosity in dangerous situations (his getting in the way of cars, pedestrians, or grocery carts, for example), enforce your instructions on how he must behave, despite protests against them. Make staying close in public a habit for your child until both of you safely rely on him to know what is & isn't dangerous--a distinction he'll have learned from you.
Note: To foster your child's staying close in public, your emphasis must be on preventing the misbehaviour. Once your child has wandered away in public, the only thing to do is find him & prevent his wandering away again, before the lost condition becomes permanent.
Prevention: Establish rules for behaving in public. At a neutral time (before or long after he misbehaves), let your child know what you expect from him in public. Say, "When you are in the store, you must stay one arm's length from me," for example.
Practice ahead of time. So your child knows how to follow your rules, practice before leaving the house. Say, "We're going to try staying at arm's length. See how long you can stay close." After he does it, say, "Good staying close! Thanks for not moving away from me."
Teach your child to come to you. During a neutral time, take your child's hand, say, "Come here, please!" & draw him to you. Give him a hug & say, "Thank you for coming." Practice several times a day, slowly increasing the distance your child is away from you when you say, "Come here, please" until he can come to you from across the room or across the yard.
Praise staying close. Make it worth your child's while to stay close by praising him every time he does. Say, "Good staying close," or "You are being such a good shopper by staying close to me," for example.
Let your child participate in the staying-close routine. If he can, let your child hold a package or push the stroller, for example. This will make him feel he's an important part of the shopping procedure & less tempted to roam.
Change your rule as your child changes. As your child matures & becomes able to walk away briefly & come right back to your side in a shopping center, for instance, you might change your rule. Tell him why you are giving him more freedom, making him feel that he earned that independence by good behaviour in public. This will help him realise the rewards of following rules.
Be firm & consistent. Don't change your public behaviour rules without first telling your child. Being firm & consistent will give your child a sense of security. Knowing his limits may produce some yelling & screaming, but the safety check you provide will help him feel protected in foreign territory.
Do's: Use reprimands & Time Out. Reprimanding your child for not staying close in public will teach him what behaviour you want & what will happen to him if he doesn't follow your rule. When you see him not staying close, say, "No, don't wander away. You're supposed to stay with me. Staying close to me keeps you safe." If he repeatedly breaks your rule, restate the reprimand & put him in Time Out immediately (in a nearby chair) while you stay with him.
Don'ts: Don't let your child dictate your chores. Don't threaten to go home if your child doesn't stay close. Going home may be just what he prefers, so he might wander away just to get his wish granted.
Don't take your child shopping for longer than he can tolerate. Some preschoolers can follow rules for longer periods of time than others. Get to know your child. One hour may be the longest time, so consider that before you leave home.
DEMANDING TO DO THINGS THEMSELVES
"Let me do it myself" is one of the lines parents of preschoolers can expect to hear as soon as their child's second birthday has come & gone. This declaration of independence marks the beginning of parents' golden opportunity to let practice make perfect for young try-it-alls, as long as the rules of the household are not infringed during the trial-&-error period. Because the ultimate goal of childrearing is for children to be self-confident & self-sufficient, let your patience level soar as you bear with mistakes & balance the need to get chores done with the importance of teaching your preschoolers living skills.
Prevention: Don't assume your child can't do something. Keep track of your child's changing levels of expertise. Make sure you've given her a chance to try something before you take over doing it, so you don't underestimate her current ability.
Buy clothing that your child can manage. Buy clothes that easily go up & down for your child in potty training, for example. Buy shirts that will go over her head & not get stuck on her shoulders when she puts on her own clothes.
Store clothing in coordinated units. Help your child develop an eye for coordination by sorting her clothes to make them easier for her (& you) to reach.
Forecast frustration. Try to make tasks as easy for your child to accomplish as possible. Undo the snaps on her pants or start the zipper on a coat before you let your child finish the job, for example.
Do's: Play Beat-the-Clock. Tell your child how much time you have for a certain activity so she won't think it's her inability to do something that makes you take over the job. Set a timer for the number of minutes you want to allow for the task & say, "Let's see if we can get dressed before the timer rings," for example. This also helps children learn a sense of being on time & reduces the power struggle between you & your child, because you will not be telling her to do something, the timer will. If you're in a hurry & must finish a task your child is beginning, explain your haste to your child, instead of letting her think it was her slow try at the job that's making you take over.
Suggest cooperation/sharing. Because your child is not aware of why she cannot do something or that she will be able to soon, suggest that you share the job of dressing or eating, for example, by having you do the part that's too difficult for her to perform at her age (tie shoes for a one-year-old, for example). Say, "Why don't you hold your sock, & I'll put on your shoe," to let your child accomplish something, not just watch you & feel inadequate.
Make effort count. As her favorite teacher, you can encourage your child to attempt tasks. You know that practice makes perfect, so teach your child this axiom by saying, for example, "I like the way you tried to braid your hair. That was a great try. We'll do it again later, too." Find something good about bad performance. Praise your child's try at putting on her shoes, even if she did it incorrectly.
Remain as calm as you can. If your child wants you to do nothing & her to do everything ("I'll put on my shorts," "I'll open the door," "I'll close the drawer"), remember that she is beginning to assert her independent side, not her obstinate one. Since you want her ultimately to do things by herself, let her try. Though you may not want to wait or put up with her incorrect drawer closing or napkin placement, for example, don't get upset when things are not done as quickly or precisely as you'd like. Try to be delighted that your child is taking the first step toward being self-sufficient & be proud of her for taking the initiative.
Allow as much independence as possible. Try to allow your child to do as much as she can by herself, so frustration won't replace her inborn sense of curiosity. Let her hold her other shoe & give it to you, for example, instead of insisting upon keeping it away from her fidgety fingers while you tie her first shoe.
Ask your child to do things, don't demand. To make your preschooler more likely to ask for things nicely, show how to make requests politely. Say, "When you ask me nicely, I'll let you do X." Then explain what you mean by "nicely." Tell your child to say, "Please, may I get a fork," when she wants a fork, for example.
Don'ts: Don't punish your child's mistakes. If she wants to pour the milk herself & it spills, for instance, remind yourself to help her do it the next time. Remember, practice makes perfect; don't expect success right away.
Don't criticise your child's effort. If it doesn't seem important to you, don't point out the mistake your child made. Even though her sock is on inside out, for instance, simply say, "Let's put the smooth side of the sock inside next to your foot, okay?" & drop it.
Don't feel rejected. If your child says, "Let me open the door," & you know very well that you can do it faster & with less effort, don't let your child know that. Let her try to be independent & feel like you're appreciative of how she does things. Don't feel hurt because your child doesn't appreciate your help--know that your child is growing up, & that is as it should be.
DEMANDING FREEDOM
Immersed in pushing their way out into the world, preschoolers may need to be pulled back to safety because they're not as self-sufficient, self-reliant, & self-controlled as they think. As your one-year-old grows, your apron strings will gradually stretch to accommodate him. Let him go only as far as you know is safe. Get to know your child's limits by testing his maturity & responsibility before you make the mistake of allowing more freedom than he can happily handle.
Prevention: Decide family freedom limits. You child needs to know his limits--what he can & can't do, when he is allowed to go, etc.--before he should be expected to do what you want him to do. Let even a one-year-old know what's "legal" territory to prevent as many "illegal" actions as possible.
Let your child know when he can cross the boundaries. Lessen the lure some no-no's have just because they are off-limits by showing & telling your young adventurer how he can do what he wants & not get in trouble for it. Say, "You can cross the street only when you are holding my hand," for example.
Allow as much freedom as your child shows he can safely handle. If your child shows he is responsible within the limits, extend them a little. Let him know why they're changed to help him feel good about his ability to follow directions & be responsible enough to earn freedom.
Do's: Offer rewards for staying within limits. Make it more pleasant for your child to stay within the limits by piling on the attention when your child is being good. Say, "I'm so glad that you stayed at the swingset & didn't go into the neighbour's yard. You can swing for three more minutes now!"
Restrict freedoms. Teach your child that not heeding the limits brings his fun to a stop. Say, "I'm sorry you left the yard; now you must stay in the house." Or, "I'm sorry you crossed the street; now you must only play in the backyard."
Be as consistent as you can. Don't let your child break a rule without enforcing the consequences to teach him that you mean what you say every time you say it. This will also help him feel more secure about his actions once he's on his own because he'll already have learned what you expect him to do.
WANTING THEIR OWN WAY
Because patience is not an innate virtue of human beings, young children must be taught the art of waiting for what they want to do, see, eat, touch, or hear. Because you are more experienced in knowing what's best for your preschooler, you're more qualified to control when she can do what she wants & what she must do before she does it. While dishing out that control, explain to your one- to five-year-old when & how she can get what she wants. Also, show how having patience pays off in your life, too. Say, for instance, "I know it's unpleasant for me to wait to buy the new dress I want, but I know that if I work hard at saving money, I will be able to buy it soon." Or say, "I know you want to eat the cake batter, but you don't need it now, & if you wait until it is baked, it will turn into more cake for you to eat." She is just discovering that the world will not always revolve around her wants & desires. It's not too soon for her to start learning the skills to cope with that often frustrating fact of life.
Prevention: Provide a menu of activities from which your child may choose. Set up conditions under which your child gets her own way, & provide your child with suggestions for what she can do while she's waiting to do what she wants to do. Say, "When you've played with the pegs for five minutes, then we'll go to Grandma's," for example.
Do's: Encourage patience. Reward even the slightest sign of patience by telling your child how glad you are that she waited or did a chore, for example. Define patience for your child if you feel that patience might be a word she's not familiar with. Say, for example, "You are being so patient by waiting calmly for your drink until I clean the sink. That shows me how grown-up you are." This teaches your child that she does have the ability to put off her wants, even though she doesn't know it yet; it also makes her feel good about herself because you feel good about her behaviour.
Remain as calm as you can. If your child protests waiting or not having things her own way, remind yourself that she is learning a valuable lesson for living--the art of being patient. By seeing you be patient, she'll soon learn that demanding doesn't get her wants satisfied as fast as getting the job done does.
Let your child participate in the process of getting to do things--use Grandma's Rule. If your child is screaming to go! go! go! to the park, for example, use the conditions you've set up ahead of time about what your child must do before she gets to do what she wants. This increases the likelihood that she will do the chore in store for her. State the conditions in a positive way. Say, "When you've put the books back in the bookshelf, we will go to the park," for example.
Avoid saying a flat no to what your child wants. Tell your child how she can have her own way (when it's possible & safe), instead of letting her feel that her wants are never going to be satisfied. Say, for example, "When you've washed your hands, then you may have an apple." Sometimes, of course, you need to say no to your child (when she wants to play with your lawnmower, for instance). At these times, try to offer alternative playthings to fulfill your child's wishes & foster a sense of compromise & flexibility in your child.
Don't's: Don't demand that your child do something "now". (Unless she's doing something that's not safe & needs to stop immediately.) Demanding that your child does what you want this instant only gives credence to the idea that she should always have her own way immediately, just as you want things your own way immediately.
Don't reward impatience. Don't give in to what your child wants every time she wants her own way. Although it's tempting to put off what you're doing to satisfy your child & avoid a battle or tantrum, giving her her own way when she's demanding it only teaches her not to learn patience & increases the likelihood of her continuing to want her own way immediately & always.
Make sure your child knows it's not the demanding that got her wants fulfilled. Though your child may moan & groan throughout the waiting time, make sure she knows that you're getting in the car because you're ready & your jobs are done, not because she wailed her way out of the door. Say, "I've finished washing the dishes. We can go now."
DAWDLING
Because time has a different meaning to a child under six years old, hurrying has no great advantages. Disguise urging your child to "come on" or "please hurry" by running races with him or giving him chances to run to your arms, for example, to turn instructions into fun, not frustrating orders. Let your child still feel he's in control of how slow or fast he does things. Then he won't need to dawdle just to exert his influence over the pace of things.
Prevention: Try to allow lead time. If you're in a hurry, waiting for your preschool tortoise will often lead to your losing your cool & being that much later. Make every effort to allow enough time to get ready for outings, understanding that dawdling is a typical response to movement by someone who doesn't understand what hurrying means & is a full-time world investigator.
Maintain a routine time schedule. Since a child needs routine & consistency in his day & tends to dawdle more when his routine is broken, establish time limits & a regular pattern of eating, moving from the car, etc., to familiarise your child with the time schedule on which you want him to operate.
Don't dawdle yourself. Getting a child ready to go somewhere only to have him wait for you tells him that time is not important. Don't announce that you're ready to go to the park, for example, when you're not.
Do's: Make it easy for your child to move at your pace. Play simple games to disguise hurrying, like having your child guess what you'll see at the park, to encourage his interest in getting going faster. Try asking your child to "run to your arms" if you want him to hurry along the path to your car, for example.
Play Beat-the-Clock. Children always move more quickly while trying to beat the timer (a neutral authority) instead of trying to do what you ask. Say, "Let's see if you can get dressed before the timer rings," for example.
Offer incentives for speed. Make these covert requests for hurrying have added benefit for your child. Say, "When you beat the timer, then you may play for ten minutes before we leave for school." This lets your child see for himself what good things come to those who stay on a time schedule.
Reward movement as well as result. To spur your child on to completing a task, encourage him along the way. For example, say, "I like the way you are getting dressed so quickly" rather than only saying, "Thank you for getting dressed," after the fact.
Use manual guidance. You may have to physically guide your child through the task at hand (getting in the car or dressing) to teach him that the world goes on, regardless of what his agenda is at the moment.
Use Grandma's Rule. If your child dawdles when you have a pace to set for going somewhere or doing a task, for example, enforce Grandma's Rule. This will equate a quicker pace with his later getting to do what he wants to do. Say, "When you have finished getting dressed, then you may play with your train," for example.
Don'ts: Don't lose control. If you're in a hurry & your child is not, don't slow both of you down even more by giving him attention for dawdling (nagging, or screaming at him to get going, for example). Getting angry will only encourage your child's easygoing pace.
Don't nag. Nagging your child to hurry while he's dawdling only gives him attention while he is not moving rather than when he is. Disguise a hurry-up technique by turning it into a game.
NOT FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS
In daily fun & games, preschoolers are the world's greatest experts at testing how far parents' rules can be stretched, whether warnings will be enforced, & how closely directions must be followed. Consistently give your child the same results for her research about how the adult world works. Prove to her that you mean what you say, so she will feel more secure about what she can expect from other adults. Your being ultimately in control may sound like an unfair dictatorship to your child, but despite her protests she will be relieved that limits are set & rules defined as she moves from a little to a big person's world.
Prevention: Learn how many directions your child can follow at once. Your preschooler will only be able to remember & then follow a certain number of directions at one time. To find out your child's limit, give one simple direction, then two, then three. For three directions, say, for example, "Please pick up the book, put it down on the table, & come sit by me." If all three are followed in the proper order, you'll know your child can remember three directions. If not, decide what her limit is & wait until she's older before giving more. Remember, only expect your child to follow the number of directions she can at a particular developmental stage.
Let your child do as many things by herself as possible without telling her to stop. Because she wants to follow only her own directions & have total control over her life, your two- three-, four- or five-year-old will fight for the chance to make choices. Give her the opportunity to develop her decision-making skills & increase her self-confidence. The more control she feels she has, the less likely she'll be to reject taking directions from someone else.
Avoid unnecessary rules. Analyse the rule's importance before you etch it in stone. Your preschooler needs as much freedom as possible to develop her independence, so let her have it.
Do's: Give simple, clear directions. Being as specific as possible about what you want your child to do will make it easier for your child to follow directions. Make suggestions, but try not to criticise what she's done. Say, for example, "Please pick up your toys now & put them in the box," rather than "Why don't you ever remember to pick up your toys & put them away on your own?"
Praise following directions. Reward your child for following your directions by showing her your pleasant reactions to a job well done. Teach her what to say when she appreciates what someone else has done, too, by saying, "Thank you for doing what I asked you to do," each time it's appropriate, as you would say to an adult friend.
Use countdown. Make the rule that your child must start a task by the count of five, for example, to ease your child into the idea of leaving what she's enjoying doing for something you want her to do. Say, "Please pick up your toys now. Five-four-three-two-one." Thank your child for starting to clean up so quickly, if she does.
Comment about any progress along the way, not just when your directions have been completely followed. Be a cheerleader as your child begins to make the right moves in the game you want her to play. Say, "That's great the way you're getting up & starting to put those toys away," for example.
Use Grandma's Rule for getting directions followed. If your child can follow the direction, make doing a task worth a reward by saying, "When you have picked up the books, we will put on the video," or "When you have washed your hands, we will have lunch."
Practice following directions. If your child doesn't follow directions, practice by walking her through what you want her to do, guiding her manually, & praising & encouraging her. Say, "I'm sorry you weren't following directions. Now we have to practice." Practice a few times, then give her the opportunity to follow directions on her own. If she still refuses, say, "Time out" & take her away from the situation.
Do's: Don't back down if your child resists. Say to yourself, "I know my child doesn't want to do as I say, but I am more experienced & know what's best for her to do. I need to teach her by giving her clear directions, so she can eventually do things herself."
Don't punish your child for not following directions. Teaching your child how to do something instead of showing her how mad you become when she doesn't do it saves your child's self-esteem from being hurt & puts less attention on bad behaviour than on good.
TRAVELLING PROBLEMS
For most adults, travelling is a change of pace, scenery, & routine, when cares of home are abandoned for the free & easy life. For the majority of preschoolers, though, travelling can be difficult. The comforts of home are often absent when you're travelling, so try teaching your child how to cope with change & how to enjoy new experiences--two tasks made easier if you have a happy, interested pupil who feels secure in his new surroundings.
Note: Remember that children who are not buckled in a safety restraint will continue to travel forward if a car stops suddenly. They will hit anything in their path--the dashboard, windshield, or back of the front seat--with the impact equivalent to a one-story drop for each ten miles per hour the car is travelling.
Prevention: Check the car seat or seat restraints before travelling. The safety measures you take before you leave will determine how relaxed you are with your children when take-off day arrives. Don't wait until the last minute to find out you must delay your trip because you lack one of the most essential things to pack--the safety seat.
Practice the rule. Before you & your child leave on a long-distance trip by car, take a few dry runs, so your child can graduate from basic training to the real thing. Praise any proper sitting in the car seat or seat belts during practice to show your child that staying in his car seat reaps rewards for him.
Make car rules. Institute the rule that the car moves only when everyone in it is buckled in a seat belt. Say, "I'm sorry that your belt is not buckled. The car can't move until it is." Be prepared to wait until the passengers comply with your rule before you go.
Provide appropriate play materials. Make sure you pack toys that are harmless to clothes & upholstery. Crayons are good, for instance, but felt tip pens are discouraged because they may mark upholstery if accidentally dropped. If you're taking public transportation, provide activities that can be used in a controlled space, are as quiet as possible, & can hold attention for long periods.
Familiarise your child with your travel plans. Discuss your travel plans with your child so he will know how long you will be gone, what will happen to his room while you're away, & when you will return. Show him maps & photos of your destination. Talk to him about the people, scenery, & events you will see & the things you will do. Share personal stories & souvenirs from past visits to the destination. Compare your destination to one your child is familiar with to ease his possible anxiety over going to someplace unknown to him.
Personally involve your child traveller. Allow your child to be a part of the preparation & trip execution. Enlist his help in packing his clothing, selecting carry-on toys, carrying the tote bag, staying close in the terminal, etc.
Establish rules of conduct for your child to follow during the upcoming visit. Before you leave, tell your child which rules, games, & activities will & won't be allowed while visiting Grandma or Aunt Helen. For example, make a "noise rule," an "exploring rule," a "pool rule," & a "restaurant rule" for intermediate stops & destinations.
Do's: Praise good behaviour. Praise good behaviour frequently & provide rewards for staying in car seats. Say, for instance, "I really like the way you are looking at all the trees & houses. It's really a pretty day. We can soon get out & play in the park because you have sat in your car seat so nicely."
Stop the car if your child gets out of the seat or unbuckles the belt. Make sure your child realises that your car seat rule will be enforced, & that the consequences will be the same every time the rule is violated.
Play car games. Count objects, recognise colors, & look for animals, for example, to involve your child in the process of getting from here to there. His attention span (& yours) will not last long on one game, so make a list of fun stuff before you leave; pull out several per hour, rotating games so your child's interest & yours will be assured.
Make frequent rest stops. Your restless preschooler is usually at his best when mobile, so being restrained for hours in a car, plane, or train is not well suited to his adventurous nature. Give him time to physically let off steam in a roadside park, for example, or you'll find him verbally rebelling when you least desire or expect it.
Monitor snacks on long trips. Highly sugared or carbonated foods can not only increase a child's activity level but may also increase potential nausea. Stick to protein snacks or lightly salted ones, instead of sugared ones, for the sake of health & happiness.
Use Grandma's Rule. Let your child know that good behaviour on trips will bring rewards. Say, "When you've sat in your seat & talked with us without whining, then we'll stop & get something to drink," for example, if your child has been whining for a drink.
Don'ts: Don't make promises you may not fulfill. Don't be too specific about what your child may see on your travels, because he may hold you to it. If you say you may see a bear in Yellowstone, for example, & you don't, you will probably hear whining cries of "But you promised I'd see a bear" when you leave the park.
RESISTING CAR SEATS
Car seats & seat belts are the number-one enemy of millions of freedom-loving preschoolers. These adventurous spirits don't understand why they must be strapped down, but they can understand the rule that the car doesn't go if the belt's not on or they are not in their car seat. Ensure your child's safety every time she gets in a car by enforcing the belts-on rule. The seat belt habit will become second nature to your child as a passenger today & a driver tomorrow if you are not wishy-washy with this life-or-death rule.
Check car seats. Some seats for infants are too small for older children; some children can & will sit in seat belts or the newer booster seats, rather than an infant car seat.
The leading cause of death in children is trauma from automobile accidents. Much of that trauma could have been prevented by children wearing car restraints. So don't compromise your rule about being belted, or you may be compromising your child's life away.
Prevention: Give your child room to breathe & see. Make sure the seat is as comfortable to sit in & see out of as yours. Check whether the eye level of your child allows her to see the passing countryside. Check how much room she has to move her hands & legs & still be safely strapped.
Make a rule--the car will not go unless everyone is belted in. The sooner (from birth) you begin enforcing this rule, the more accustomed your child will be to the idea of sitting in a car seat or wearing a seat belt.
Make safety age-appropriate. Make sure your child is aware of why she's graduating to a bigger seat or to just using a seat belt to make her proud of being strapped in. Say, "You are getting to be so grown-up. Here is your new safety seat for the car."
Don't complain about having to wear a seat belt. Casually telling your spouse or friend that you hate wearing a seat belt, for example, gives your child the cue to resist her belt too.
Conduct a training program. Take short drives around the neighbourhood with one parent or friend driving & the other rewarding your child's sitting nicely in the car seat, to let your child know how you expect her to act in a car. Tell your child, "You're staying in your safety belt so nicely today," or "Nice sitting," while patting & stroking her.
Do's: Belt yourself in. Make sure you wear the seat belt & point out how your child is wearing one just like yours, to make your seat-belted child feel she's not alone in her temporary confinement. If you don't wear a belt, your child will not understand why she has to.
Praise staying in the seat belt. If you ignore your child while she's riding nicely, she will look for ways to get your attention, including trying to get out of her seat, which she knows brings you to her side. Keep your child out of car trouble by letting her know you are "with" her in her back seat, for example. Talk & play word games, as well as praise how nicely she's sitting.
Be consistent. Stop the car as immediately & safely as possible every time your child gets out of her car seat or seat belt, to teach her that the rule will be enforced. Say, "The car can go again when you stay in your seat & are belted so you will be safe."
Divert your child's attention. Try activities such as number or word games, peekaboo, or song singing, for example, so your child won't try to get out of her seat because she needs something to do.
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"Jesus loves me, this I know,
For the Bible tells me so"--
Little children ask no more,
For love is all they're asking for
And in a small child's shining eyes
The faith of all the ages lies--
And tiny hands & tousled heads
That kneel in prayer by little beds
Are closer to the dear Lord's heart
And of His Kingdom more a part
Than we who search, & never find,
The answers to our questioning mind--
For faith in things we cannot see
Requires a child's simplicity
For, lost in life's complexities,
We drift upon uncharted seas
And slowly faith disintegrates
While wealth & power accumulates--
And the more Man learns, the less he knows,
And the more involved his thinking grows
And, in his arrogance & pride,
No longer is Man satisfied
To place his confidence & love
With childlike faith in God above--
Oh, Father, grant once more to men
A simple childlike faith again
And, with a small child's trusting eyes,
May all men come to realise
That faith alone can save Man's soul
And lead him to a higher goal.
--Helen Steiner Rice
CHILDPROOFING CHECKLIST
Alarming statistics show that accidents are the largest single cause of death in children from birth to age fifteen. Most accidents to children stem from the child's normal, healthy curiosity.
Chances of getting hurt increase as the child grows. Hazards multiply as a baby learns to creep, crawl, walk, climb, & explore. Often accidents occur when parents are not aware of their child's capabilities & capacities at his specific stage of development.
The following checklist identifies steps that parents must take to prevent home accidents.
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Install childproof latches on all cabinets & drawers that contain dangerous objects.
[ ]
Crawl through the house on your hands & knees to spot enticing hazards to be remedied.
[ ]
Plug empty electrical outlets with plastic plugs designed for this purpose.
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Remove unused extension cords.
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Move a large sofa or chair in front of electrical outlets that have cords plugged in them.
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If small tables or other furnishings are not sturdy or have sharp corners, store them away until your child is older.
[ ]
Place dangerous household substances, such as detergents, cleaning fluids, razor blades, matches, & medicines, well out of reach or in a locked cabinet.
[ ]
Install a proper screen on a fireplace.
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Always use a correct car seat in your automobile.
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Regularly check toys for sharp edges or small broken pieces.
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Check the floor for small objects that your child could swallow or choke on.
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Put a gate on the stairway to prevent unsupervised play on the stairs.
[ ]
Never leave your baby unattended on a changing table, in the bathtub, on a couch, on your bed, in an infant seat or highchair, on the floor, or in a car.
[ ]
Have syrup of ipecac on hand to induce vomiting in case your child swallows a noncorrosive poison.
[ ]
Place small, fragile tabletop items out of your child's reach.
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Keep the door to the bathroom closed at all times.
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Keep plastic bags & small objects (pins, buttons, nuts & money) out of reach at all times.
[ ]
Make sure toys, furniture, & walls are finished in lead-free paint. Check labels to make sure toys are nontoxic.
[ ]
Teach the word "hot" as early as you can. Keep your child away from the hot oven, iron, vent, fireplace, wood stove, barbecue grill, & hot tea & coffee cups.
[ ]
Always turn pot handles inward when cooking.
[ ]
Always raise crib sides in the up position when your baby (even a tiny infant) is in the crib.
[ ]
Do not hang a tablecloth off a table when your small child is close by.
[ ]
Never tie toys to a crib or playpen on a long string or cord; your baby could strangle on the string. Also, never put a long string on a pacifier & around your baby's neck.
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Guidelines for Discipline of Kids Young & Old
* Even if you don't understand what the problem stems from, the Lord understands, & the answer is Love, whatever the problem. He can show you the specific solution. "Love never fails."--1Cor.13:8.
* Communication is so important. At times of misbehaviour the most important thing is to talk about things & give the child a chance to explain himself & talk it out, not just punishment. Try to find out why he's misbehaving. Young people should be given punishment only if it's accompanied by understanding.
* Be sure the rules as well as the punishment, deprivation of privileges or sentence you lay down are not done in anger or without prayer.
* Parents should not put up with foolishness or rowdy, mischievous, naughty, disobedient, wilful, stubborn & rebellious behaviour. Warnings are usually needed to give the child time to make the choice for himself to change for the better. But if not, the Bible says, "The rod of correction will drive it far from him."--Pro.22:15.
* There's nothing wrong with disciplining in righteous anger over wrongdoing. God does that. We should get angry over sin. But your discipline should always be tempered with Love & mercy.
* Give discipline in love, as a loving parent in the right way--not too hard, not too harsh, not too heavy, not to the point of total discouragement & despair so that your child gives up & quits trying because he just can't live up to your standards.
* Your long-term goal should be to encourage your children to obey out of Love & to have the conviction to know what is right & what is wrong & therefore choose to do the right thing.
* "Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth: therefore despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty."--Job 5:17.
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