TEACHING CHILDREN JOY--By Linda & Richard Eyre
INTRODUCTION
When our children were born, we began to search for objectives. We began to ask what we most wanted for our children, what we wanted to give them. The trouble was, there were so many things: Love, security, confidence, creativity, friendliness, peace of mind, self-esteem, imagination, concern for others, individuality, a sense of service. The list kept getting longer.
The breakthrough occurred one evening when we had the opportunity to speak to a large group of parents. We handed out a slip of paper to each couple & asked them to write the ages of their children on one side. On the other side they were to write, in one word, the thing they would most like to give their children. We said, "If you had a one-word wish for your children, what would it be?"
The results were quite remarkable. Virtually all parents of preschoolers said the same thing. Parents of elementary-school-age children were also relatively unified, but in a different direction. Parents of teenagers had still another wish. For preschoolers, parents wanted happiness. For elementary-school-age children, parents hoped for responsibility. And for teenagers, most parents wished for more unselfishness, more service & less self-centeredness.
It was the beginning of our program of "parenting by objective." We decided that we would consciously adopt the following objectives & sequence:
Ages 0-6: Teach our children joy.
Ages 4-12: Teach our children responsibility.
Ages 10-16: Teach our children service & empathy.
We knew there were overlaps. There were elements of responsibility within joy, & service within responsibility, but we felt that we needed a focus--a clear, strong, single goal to work on for each phase of a child's growth.
This book, "Teaching children Joy," was born of our efforts. Each chapter presents one particular "joy."
One problem most parents face is a difficulty in measuring their success. Since they do not have specific goals for a "yardstick," they not only do more reacting than acting, they end up measuring their success by the emotions of frustration & impatience that they often feel.
A parent with one basic objective each month, on the other hand, can look past the momentary crises that come to all families & can see the progress the children are making in the area of that monthly goal. This is why we recommend that you select one "joy" to focus on each month.
THE JOY OF SPONTANEOUS DELIGHT
I was alone one day, walking to lunch on a busy Boston street. Ahead was an old man, begging, "Any spare change?" The young businessman ahead of me brushed him off. "No, no--sorry." Too busy. Then I came up to the beggar. I saw his face. I saw character mixed with tragedy in the old eyes. "Come on--come to lunch with me." Spontaneous, spur of the moment. The man was surprised. I was surprised. I'll forget other lunches, but never that one. The incredible story of a broken man's life--it did him good to tell it; it did me good to hear it. He left with a full stomach & with a flicker of hope because someone had cared & listened. I left happy because I had helped, but also because I had done something spontaneous--free--open.
The Child's Perspective
I was upstairs in my bedroom; eighteen-month-old Josh was right below me downstairs in his sister's room. At first I thought he was crying, but as I listened again, I heard it for what it was; a loud, spontaneous belly-laugh. I knew he was down there by himself, because I could hear his sisters with Linda in the kitchen, so I sneaked quietly down to observe. I peeked through the door just in time for the next peal of laughter. Josh, his back to me, was sitting on his haunches facing Saren's bed. The bedspread, hanging to the floor, suddenly bulged & then lifted to reveal Barney, our big black Labrador, squirming out from under the bed. There was something funny about Barney's shifty-eyed sheepish look as he pushed his head out from under the spread. Josh laughed so hard he fell sideways. Then he promptly crawled under the end of the bed (Barney following), crawled back out from under the bedspread, & turned to watch Barney come out again.
Josh's laugh made me smile, made me feel free. Adult laughter is too often sarcastic or boisterous or somehow forced & brittle. Josh's spontaneous laugh pealed out like a thousand bells--the kind of free, delighted laugh that most little children have & most adults lose.
How To
The key method is encouragement & reinforcement. Children will repeat what they are praised for.
There are many ways to encourage & sanction a particular behaviour; perhaps the best way of all is by participating in that particular behaviour yourself.
Get excited with children. Swallow your sophistication--be a child with them, emote with them. When they say, "Oh, look!" you say, "Wow, yes!" Don't say, "Calm down, son," or "Not here, dear."
Do spontaneous things with them. "Josh, your mom looks tired. Let's put her to bed for a nap, & you & I will fix dinner."
Make spontaneity a high priority. Place enough value on spontaneity that you let it happen even if it's a little inconvenient. Suppose you are walking outside on a warm Summer afternoon & you spot your two-year-old stomping with delight in his first puddle. Resist the urge to yank him out with a "No, no!" Put rubber boots on him & let him do it. (Or put boots on yourself & do it with him!)
Get up & do a little dance when the music & the mood hit you.
Engage in the kind of play that produces exciting & unpredictable results.
Blow bubbles with a straw (in a glass of soapy water, or in the tub at bath time).
Play in water with empty plastic bottles, straws, or funnels.
Finger paint with shaving cream. Squirt a small amount of aerosol shaving cream on a smooth formica surface or table in front of each child & sprinkle on a little red powdered tempera paint. Let the children spread it around with their fingers or whole hands. Then sprinkle on a little blue & yellow tempera paint in different places so they can mix colours & see what happens.
The Family Treasure Chest
We have a "treasure chest." It is just an old wooden box, painted many beautiful colours, with a big combination lock on it. The children know from experience that there is always a surprise in it.
Once or twice a week, on special occasions or perhaps for rewards, the chest is opened by daddy, the only one who knows the lock's combination. It is amazing how delighted a child can be with one small peanut butter ball, a pine cone, or even a small sponge so he can help wipe off the table. Anything, so long as it comes out of the treasure chest, produces spontaneous delight.
TEACHING THE JOY OF THE BODY
The Child's Perspective
Here is a conversation I had with my three-year-old.
"Why do you have a body?"
"To skip with!"
"To skip with?"
"Yes."
"I see. What's the best part of your body?"
"The eyes."
"Why?"
"'Cause I see the flowers."
"Oh?"
"But the nose is too, 'cause I smell them."
"Do you hear them?"
"No, but if you close your eyes you do hear
teensy little things."
"Like what?"
"Wind & trees."
"How do they sound?"
"Swish, swish, but quieter than that."
"Any other part of the body you like?"
"The tongue to talk--you hold onto it & you
can't talk--try it--say my name."
"Unghun--uwam."
"See!" (Laughter)
"Shawni, does your body make you happy?"
"My body is the happy!"
The spontaneous delight & built-in curiosity of little children make them receptive to the joy of the body. They are perfect pupils, but they still need teachers. The sensing equipment is built in--they receive the sensation--but they need to interpret it to feel its joy. A child's senses are more acute than ours, but the joy of the body lies in understanding what we sense, & that is where the teaching comes in.
How To
Learning the name of the body parts.
1. Play "Simon Says." The leader gives various commands. "Touch your tummy." "Lift your left foot." "Close your eyes." The rest of the players follow a command only if it is preceded by "Simon Says."
2. Play "Hoky Poky." Players stand in a circle & act out this rhyme: "You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, you put your left foot in & you shake it all about. You do the Hoky Poky & you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about--hey!" Rhyme is repeated with each part of the body.
3. Make a large puzzle of the body out of heavy cardboard pieces for children to put together. As they do, they name each part & tell what it can do.
Teaching appreciation for the body.
1. "What is it?" game. Blindfold the children. Then let them hear & smell & touch & taste various things & try to identify them. Use things with interesting textures (sandpaper, cotton, polished stones); different sounds (bottled water, marbles in a box, a bell); distinct odors (perfume, popcorn, pickles); distinct tastes (sugar, salt, peanut butter).
2. Teach appreciation of the human body over other bodies. Pretend you are an elephant, bird or squirrel--what can you do? What can't you do? (Walk on two legs, pick up things with your fingers, talk, walk while carrying something.) Now pretend you are a plant--what can't you do? (Almost everything.)
3. Relate the senses to their uses. Make a chart with six columns. List the five senses across the top of the chart in columns two through six. Let the children pick items to list down the left column & put checks in the appropriate columns for the senses that perceive them. Examples: Wind--we hear it, feel it. A hot dog--we smell it, feel it, taste it, see it.
4. Talk about each activity afterward; recall it with glee. Say, "Wasn't it great to see which senses we use?" "Wasn't it fun to identify the sound?" Also, while the activity is actually taking place, try to find opportunities to say, "Isn't this fun?" "Aren't our bodies great?" (Note: This is a key throughout the process of teaching children joy. During & after each experience with joy, help the child to identify the joy & be conscious that he is feeling it, so that he wants it & recognises it the next time.)
Use & development of bodily skills.
1. Dancing & marching. Use a variety of music, ranging from light, fairylike ballet to heavy soldier marches. The stronger the rhythm the better. Encourage freedom of movement & lack of inhibition: "Try to kick the ceiling." "Look like a big tree swaying in the breeze."
2. Learning to catch a ball. Few abilities give a child a greater sense of physical confidence & satisfaction. A large foam or sponge ball is easy to catch, a good first step.
3. Hearing game. Record some common sounds & play them for the children. See if they can identify them, for example:
Doorbell ringing
Corn popping
Blowing of bubbles (straw in soap solution)
Toilet flushing
4. Outside obstacle course. If your yard conditions permit, set up outside some of the following things to form an obstacle course:
* a six- to eight-foot-long 2x4 beam, set up on two bricks (one on each end) for the children to walk along.
* Old tires laid down in a row, to walk on or in.
* A rope stretched between two trees, eight or ten inches from the ground to jump over.
* A large inflated inner tube to climb over.
* Large cardboard cartons with one end open & a hole cut in the other end or the top for the children to crawl into & climb out of.
Be creative. Look around your yard or garage for additional ideas. Be sure the materials are free of slivers, nails, or other hazards & are on a safe surface so the children will not get hurt if they fall. Caution the children against pushing. Everyone should go in the same direction.
Care of the body.
1. Show children pictures of two people: One an "In-shape" athlete, one a sagging, out-of-shape person. List the things one does that the other doesn't do: Exercises, eats good food, keeps himself clean, gets enough sleep, etc.
2. Identify "healthful" & "sometimes" foods. You will need a flannelboard, a piece of yarn to divide the flannelboard into two sections & several food pictures cut from magazines (coloured ones are best). Prepare each picture for the flannelboard by gluing a piece of flannel on the back. Put the pictures in a box.
Ask the children to tell you some food that helps them to be well & strong. Then ask them to name some foods that taste good but that we should not eat too often (cake, cookies & other sweets). Then say, "In this box I have some pictures of foods that are very good for you & also some foods that we will call `sometime foods', those that we should not eat too much of. This side of the flannelboard will be for the healthful foods & that side for `sometime foods'.
TEACHING JOY OF THE EARTH
There is such a beauty in the Earth. Joy comes through sensing it--with all five senses. I remember a poet I knew who wrote mostly of the Earth, who saw so much in the World that I didn't see. He had a sign on his wall that said, "Five Sense Sagacity." I asked him about it. He said that serendipity, which means happy accidents, pleasant surprises, comes about through sagacity, which means acute awareness, appreciation, sensitivity, which in turn comes about through applied, thorough use of all five senses. Think about that for a moment; it is quite a message: Happiness comes through awareness.
The Child's Perspective
Our son Josh was fifteen months old & it was April. The Summer before, he had been too small to be outside much, so, on this first warm day of the year, he was seeing the backyard for the first time. I watched him in silence from the window. He started with the grass, first feeling it, then sitting down in it, moving his legs back & forth, so delighted that he laughed aloud. Then he lay down, mouth open with an expression of anticipation, as he felt the grass with the back of his head & neck. From that position he noticed the sky & the clouds. He lifted both arms, pointed both forefingers, formed a round O with his little mouth, & said, with a tone of reverence & amazement, "Oooh!"
Then a bird chirped in the nearby tree. Josh cocked his head, a little startled, not sure where the sound had come from. The bird chirped again. This time Josh saw where it was. He stood up & toddled toward the tree. The bird swooped down, floated twenty yards or so, & landed on the lawn. Josh followed the flight with a look of delight & utter amazement. As he watched, motionless, the bird began his staccato pecking at the grass & an instant later pulled up a squirming, wiggling worm. Josh shook his head, as if in disbelief, & started shuffling toward the bird. The bird fluttered back up into the tree, chirping all the way.
Josh repeated his earlier cloud gesture, pointing up at the bird with both hands & saying, "Oooh!"
How To
Teach the Earth's terminology.
1. Look together at large picture books of animals, trees & flowers. Point to a picture & have the children say the name, or you say the name & have them point.
2. Point at things in nature wherever you go--point & say the names.
3. Involve the children in picnics, nature walks, exposure to the out-of-doors. At zoos or botanical gardens, or at home in the backyard, notice nature. Talk about it; ask the children to tell about it.
Teach deep appreciation for the Earth.
1. Take nature walks. You don't have to be in the woods or mountains; a vacant field or park will do. Point out things, but without too much explanation let the children explore. If you find an ant hill, stop to watch. Ask what the ants are doing. Ask lots of questions to help the children figure things out. Take nature walks to the same place in all four seasons, & ask, "How have things changed?"
2. Teach children to distinguish nature from nonnature. On nature walks, ask them to find things that are not nature's--cans, paper, litter. Point out that Man's things are not as beautiful as those in nature; show that each little thing in nature is unique, while Man's things are often mass-produced.
3. Paste up a collage from each season. Look through magazines together for pictures.
4. Watch & feed birds.
5. Have pets. Learn about them & how to take care of them.
Teach the joys of the use of nature.
1. Milk a cow, drink the milk & make butter. Gather eggs & cook them.
2. Have a nature meal, with honey, eggs, milk & home-baked bread.
3. While the question of "where things come from" is still on the children's minds, place some of the following objects in a box. Set or hold it high enough that the children cannot see inside. Give each child a turn to reach in & take out one object & then try to tell where it comes from. Give what explanations are necessary. (Item examples: Carrot, banana, apple, bread, can of tuna, honey, milk, raisins, cereal, hot dog, cotton, woolen mittens, wood, glass, paper.)
4. Play a "riddle game" with the children. Say, "I'm thinking of something that is part of our wonderful World. I'll tell you some things about it & then see if you can guess what it is that I'm thinking about. If you think you know, raise your hand, but don't say anything until I say, `What is it?'"
* "I'm thinking of something that is green. It grows. Sometimes it is small. Sometimes it grows very tall. It has leaves. Sometimes fruit grows on it. What is it?" (A tree.)
* "I'm thinking of something that is up in the sky. It is white. We see it mostly at night. It is round. It shines & gives us light. What is it?" (The moon.)
PRESERVING THE JOY OF INTEREST & CURIOSITY
The Child's Perspective
I remember sitting once, off to the side in a busy shopping mall, looking at passing people--watching to see who was watching. The adults were preoccupied with their jobs, their problems, themselves. Their eyes never met mine. Their eyes saw only what was necessary to navigate through the crowded corridor.
But the children saw everything. Each child looked straight at me for at least a moment, & for a moment at everything. Their eyes & ears were receptors, taking in all the data, seeing, hearing, questioning.
It is no wonder that we learn as much in our first five years as in the rest of our lives. We see more, feel more. We are born with a natural & joyful curiosity & interest. What happens to it? Where did those adults drop it? When would those children lose theirs?
One study showed that babies spend one-fifth of the waking hours in motionless, focused gazing, simply figuring things out with their eyes. Their minds are so malleable, so impressionable! Parents can perhaps change their children's minds more, for better or for worse, than they can change either their bodies or their spirits.
How To
Learn from children's example. Participate with & encourage them. My wife & I observed our three-year-old through the back window playing alone among the flowers on a warm, early-spring day. Her delight & intense interest showed so clearly that we felt it, & I whispered, "How can we keep that in her forever?" My wife replied, "By watching her watching, & watching what she watches."
Since then, we have come to know that that's the secret. Children are the teachers, the experts; we are the learners, the students. Instead of pulling them away from their activity (jumping in leaves) & into yours (cleaning house), how about occasionally leaving yours to join in theirs? (Don't worry, the leaves will brush out of your hair.)
Answer & ask. While you are in those leaves, your teacher (your child) may ask, "Did a caterpillar make this hole in this leaf?" You might consider these responses: Thanking him for teaching you to have an interest in that hole; answering him by saying, "Yes, a caterpillar probably did"; & opening a chance for more teaching by asking, "And where do you suppose that caterpillar is right now?"
How precious a question is! An alert mind that asks is the first step to answers, discoveries, solutions. Never ignore or criticise a question.
With a questioning child, one or two similar mistakes usually occurs: (1) Ignoring, brushing off, not noticing the beauty & potential of that moment, & (2) answering instead of reasoning together, helping, or asking questions of the child that will help him answer his own. When we take the time to discuss a question, we help the child to understand the wonderful concepts of reasoning, conceptualising, researching.
Stimulation. As soon as babies can see, they need visual stimulation: Mobiles, bright colours, moving objects to observe. Parents should show them things, talk to them, give their new eyes & ears & bodies chances to see & hear & feel widely different things.
The question game. At dinner or some other convenient time, explain that being able to ask good questions is sometimes more important than giving right answers. Tell the children that you will give them a category & see how good a question they can think of to ask. Then name a category (anything from "clouds" or "cars" to "daddy's office"). As you play this game several times, you may want to explain to the children that there are "what," "when," "where," "who" & "how" questions.
The Family Interest Book
Children who are made to feel proud of their interest & curiosity quickly want to share what they have noticed. If they have a way to share the discoveries or fruits of their curiosity & interest, that becomes an additional motivation to continue to be curious & interested.
In our family, we have an "interest book," not for finances or money, but for interest. It is nothing more than a simple, hardbound book of blank paper in which any family member can make a note of something interesting that he has observed or discovered. Preschoolers, of course, dictate their observations for a grown-up to write. Reading back through the interest book is a continual joy.
"A blue & black bird is building a nest in the tree by the corner of the house." (Saren, age four.)
"Barney (our dog) can get over to his friend's house because there is a hole in the fence where it goes behind the shed." (Shawni, age three.)
Our interest book hangs on a hook in the family room. We are aware of it, so we like to share in it. Every month or so we read all the entries that have been made. Like certain other types of interest books, ours grows in value with the passage of time.
TEACHING THE JOY OF IMAGINATION & CREATIVITY
The Child's Perspective
I came in the back door one afternoon, quietly, getting home from work early. Before anyone heard me, I heard my two girls, ages five & four, in their bedroom.
"All right, I'll be the doctor if you'll be the nurse."
"Okay."
"Now if we can get Barney (the dog) to stay under these covers, then he can be the sick guy."
"Yeah, & this stick can be for the operation." (I restrained my urge to defend the poor dog.)
"We'd better put the sick guy to sleep before the operation."
"These can be the sleep pills."
"Oh, but Barney won't close his eyes. I better sing him a song--then he can stay awake & it won't hurt. Oh sick guy, sick guy, you have a big, long tongue, we will do your operation, & you'll look better & feel better too."
Children's minds are the most free, the most creative, the least bound by inhibition & tradition. Therefore, it's easy to teach them creativity & imagination. Unfortunately, it is also dangerously easy to say, "That's silly," or "Grow up," or "Quit imagining things." It is an interesting paradox that the times when parents usually tell their children to be grown-up are the times when the children are having the most fun, feeling the most joy. Do we really want them to grow up, or would we do better to "grow down," to be more like they are--more free, more imaginative, less inhibited?
A child who imagines will become an adult who creates, who solves problems with original thinking & with innovative solutions, who will see the less obvious, do the less common, find the more unusual.
Oh, how children love it when they find that their parents have imaginations! I went up to tuck the two little girls in bed one night after shoveling the snow from the front walk. I still had on my big, white furry coat, so I pulled the hood down over my face & announced myself as "Polar Bear," come from the North Pole to tell a bedtime story. Since then, Polar Bear has had to come back once a month or so--alternating with other characters made up from very slight disguises & very big imaginations.
How To
The old stand-by: Liberal encouragement. Give enormous encouragement for the slightest show of creativity--from building with blocks to drawing a picture. Watch as though a masterpiece were being unveiled. Sometimes encouragement involves more than just words. It may involve providing reams of scratch paper for the three-year-old to make pictures on.
The other old stand-by: Being a child with them. When they imagine, we imagine. Play in the mud with them, for a change. Don't inhibit through restricting any more than is absolutely necessary.
Making things. Don't buy things ready-made when you can buy kits or make them from scratch. Think of ways to make musical instruments (rhythm blocks, scrapers) & other simple, useful things.
Pretending.
1. Save old dresses, shoes & hats in a box or chest for dress-up clothes. What treasures they can be to an active imagination!
2. Pretend that inanimate objects & body parts can talk: Food that wants to be in the tummy, toys that want to be played with, ears that want to be washed.
Solving problems. Play the "How else could we have done that?" game. Examples: How could we get a chair over here without carrying it? (Tie a rope on it & drag it.) How could we get a marble from under the sofa? (With a stick.) How could we keep the tablecloth down at a picnic on a windy day? (With rocks.) How could we carry many things at once? (In pockets, in a box.)
Creating through the ear. Sing together. Children can sing simple harmony parts early if helped properly.
Creating through the eye. Bring out crayons, tempera paints & watercolour markers, & paint together as a family. Praise each painting as unique & good, none better than the other. Provide the medium, let the children use their own ideas.
The bulletin board. We've dubbed our bulletin board "The Mommy-Daddy Proud Board." Our children's drawings & colourings & creations of all kinds stay up until new ones take their place, at which point they come down & go directly into the scrapbook. Children, like all artists, need appreciation & praise to fuel their creative fires.
TEACHING THE JOY OF OBEDIENCE & DECISIONS
"Train up a child in the way he should go: & when he is old, he will not depart from it."--Proverbs 22:6
The Child's Perspective
Romping out of the fruit store, our four-year-old Saren, just learning to count money, discovered she had been given change for fifty cents rather than a quarter. Initial excitement: "I've got more money than when I came, & the fruit." Then conscience: "I'd better give it back to the man." Then the real joy as she came back out of the store: "Daddy, he said he wishes everyone was honest like me!" There is true joy in simple, voluntary obedience to moral law.
That story reminds me of another time, another store, another child--Saren's father. I was eight years old & buying my first bicycle. I had $25 saved up from Grandma's gifts & from collecting & returning coat hangers & pop bottles. In the store were two used bikes for $25, one a red Schwinn & one a silver Silverchief. I couldn't choose. First I wanted one, then the other. My wise father took me back out to the car, found a large, white sheet of paper, & drew a line down the center. "Let's list the reasons for the red bike in one column & the reasons for the silver bike in the other," he said. I did. I remember the thrill of thinking in a way I had never thought before. When the list was done, the silver bike was selected. (After all, no one else had one like it.) I kept that bike for ten years, & the memory of the joy of deciding on it never dimmed.
There is tremendous joy & satisfaction in learning that things are governed by laws. Psychologists tell us that small children usually believe that their desires control circumstances & cause things to happen. The time when a three- or four-year-old realises that this is not the case, that things happen independently of his wants, can be very traumatic. Or, if he is being taught about laws in a positive, constructive way, it can be a time of real awakening joy.
Children need to be given the latitude to make their own decisions. They will make some wrong ones, but will learn, with our help, from the consequences. While they are young, the decisions & their consequences will not be weighty enough to do permanent damage. And by the time decisions become important, they will know how to make them.
How To
Teach children to distinguish between situations governed by law & those governed by decision.
1. Make up stories that ask, "What should we do?" (Is there a law that tells him, or does he make a decision?)
2. Tell a story about a home without any rules. What happens? Is the family happy? (The story could also be about a school without rules.)
Expect & demand "cheerful obedience." Teach children that "cheerful obedience" means to say, "Yes, Mommy" or "Yes, Daddy" & to obey immediately whenever they are told to do or not to do something. This may seem arbitrary or militaristic, but children inherently love discipline--it gives them a feeling of security that is otherwise unavailable. Always say "please" to children so that they feel your respect & love. Make "please" a trigger word by teaching them that whenever they hear it, they should say, "Yes, Mommy" & obey. When they do not respond quickly, just say the words "cheerful obedience" to remind them to say, "Yes, Mommy."
Children should know that they have the right to ask why, but that cheerful obedience (with the "Yes, Mommy") is expected right after the "why" answer is given.
Design frequent opportunities to make decisions. Let the children choose the bedtime story, have two kinds or colours of juice to choose from, etc.
Tell stories about wise or foolish decisions you have made & what the consequences were. Reinforce & discuss the consequences of decision. "What will happen if you do that?" "Will that make your sister happy or sad?"
Teach the principle of apologising. Children should learn that through genuine apology they can avoid punishment. Teach children the beauty of saying they are sorry to each other. We have learned in our family that when one child teases or hurts another in some way, a simple form of apology can restore good feelings much faster than punishment. We remind the guilty child, "You'd better apologise." The process for our children consists of three things: (1) A hug for the other child; (2) a request, "Will you forgive me?" & (3) "I'll try not to ever do that again." (Editor: This depends on the degree of hurt, of course. Punishment would be appropriate if it was serious & intentional.)
The Family Laws Chart
One of the most memorable evenings we have ever spent together as a family was the night we agreed to the "family laws." We had prepared a framed piece of heavy poster board & put a nail in the wall to hang it on, & then we explained to Saren (four) & Shawni (three) that this was to be a list of our family laws.
"What are some laws for our family that, if we keep them, will make us happier?"
"Don't hit other little girls."
"Don't plug in plugs."
"Don't ruin things that are not for ruining."
"Say the magic words (please, thank you, excuse me)."
We had to help with some that they didn't think of:
"Stay in bed when put there."
"Sit down in the back seat when riding in the car."
"Always sit while holding the baby."
"Don't go into the road unless holding Mommy's or Daddy's hand."
"Mind without backtalk." (Saren added a clarification: "But we can ask why!")
We really didn't realise, at the time, what a help the list would be. Rather quickly the children grasped the idea that they were obeying the laws that they had helped decide on, laws that would make our family happier.
Some time later, we decided as a family which punishments should go with which laws. On some laws, we decided that one warning should be given before a punishment would be required. We voted on each punishment & wrote it on the "family laws board."
TEACHING THE JOY OF ORDER, PRIORITIES & GOAL STRIVING
A speaker impressed me once with an uncommon answer to a common question. The question posed to him was, "With all you have to do, how do you look so relaxed?" (The boy who asked the question went on, partly for humour, partly for impact, to say that his father didn't have nearly as much responsibility, yet always looked frazzled & tired.) The answer was, "Each week, on a certain day at a certain time, I spend some time alone, setting goals for the week. I follow the priorities of family first, others second, myself third. I set objectives in each area, & if time is too short to do all I want to do, I put my goals into priority order so that I know the most important ones will get done. Then I plan how, & write my plans into my weekly calendar book."
Most anxiety comes from wondering where we should be or what we ought to be doing. Most joy comes from knowing both.
How To
The joy of goal striving & achievement is like a diamond with many facets, each one a separate & distinct joy. There is the joy of knowing our long-range purpose, the joy of responsibility, the joy of shorter-range goals, the joy of causes & commitment, the joy of organisation & order, even the joy of failing occasionally & of sometimes making mistakes.
Understanding the concept of goals. A three- or four-year-old is capable of understanding the concept & nature of goals. Explain that a goal is "something good that we want & that we work for."
Experiencing a goal. A three- or four-year-old can experience the joy of setting & achieving a simple goal. Ask the child if he can think of a goal for himself. Help him decide on one. It might be self-improvement: Learning to zip his coat, flush the toilet, or walk across the street safely. It might be solving a problem: Not getting so dirty at school or not sucking his thumb any more. It might be making a new friend or earning money to buy something special.
Write the goal down & put a big circle by it. Periodically, as the goal is achieved, let the child fill in part of the circle. (When the goal is half completed, the circle will be half filled in.)
Help the child develop a plan to meet his goal, such as asking the neighbours if they need work done, trying to zip his coat each night before he goes to bed, not kneeling down in the dirt, inviting a new child over to play, or putting his blanket away etc.
Praise the setting of the goal, praise the plan, praise every step the child takes toward the goal.
Feel the joy of setting goals & working together. These might be anything worthwhile, from reading a book to doing the Spring housecleaning together as a family. Involve the children. Write down the goal & plan it first together, go to work on it & then discuss the results of each phase--how you are going, how it makes you feel as each part is achieved.
1. Together, do the kinds of chores in which results are visible, such as pulling weeds, washing windows, raking leaves, or waxing the floor or car. Part of the joy comes from seeing the result.
2. Have family jobs & responsibilities for each family member. For example, a little child can be in charge of clearing off the dishes after Sunday dinner. Again, lavish praise on the child, saying, "Doesn't that look nice?" Make a chart showing each family member's responsibility, & discuss these responsibilities as a family.
Teach the law of the harvest. There is security in knowing you will reap what you plant. Teach this joy by actually sowing & actually reaping. Have a garden. Let the children plant, weed, water & harvest. Then use the example of the garden as a way to explain many things: How brushing the teeth grow up into the joy of no cavities, how kind deeds grow up into the joy of happy feelings, how selfish deeds grow up like weeds to choke the family.
Organisation & order. Have a good set of shelves in a child's room. Help him organise his possessions, with a place for each item. Then give strong encouragement & praise as he keeps things in their places. The simple lessons of order in a child's life will go a long way in building the critical, later-life skill of organising his thoughts & ideas.
Gather the children in the middle of the room on the floor & tell them you want to see if they know what two words mean. The first word is mess. Ask them what it means. Then talk about how unpleasant it is when things are messy & how easy it is to lose things when there is a mess.
Then tell them the next word is order. Explain to them that order is when there is no mess. Things are in their places, nothing is lost, everything is neat & clean & tidy. Talk for awhile about how nice order is & how bad mess is.
Then tell the children you are going to tell them a secret about order. It is an important secret, & they should remember it. Get them to lean very close so they can hear you whisper. Then say, "Things will always stay in order if you take only one plaything at a time & put it back in its place before you take another out." Repeat this a couple of times.
The joy of mistakes & failure. Discuss your own failures. Show your children that you are not perfect, but that you accept your failings & try to learn from them. The key here is simple: Praise them as much when they fail as when they succeed. Praise the try, not the result.
Share some of your goals with your children. The fact that you are reading this book probably indicates that you have a goal of being a better parent. Why not share that goal with your children? Tell them that your goal is to be the best daddy or mommy, & that you need their help on your goal, that you want them to tell you how you can improve.
PRESERVING THE JOY OF TRUST & THE CONFIDENCE TO TRY
I spent a Summer in Hawaii one year working & saving money for the next year of school. I had a friend there named Kathy. It was the first week in Hawaii for both of us. We had just met each other, & we had both just met a Hawaiian named Kiki. Kiki invited us to a beach party, "a real Hawaiian one," he said. It was on a Saturday afternoon, on a beach at the far side of the island. As I recall, the party had three distinct parts: Surfing, eating & dancing. My inclination was to watch all three. Her inclination was to do all three.
The joy of trying things & of new participation & new interest is a classic & significant joy. There is so much to do in the World, so many good things to try, 360 degrees of experience. Yet most of us eat the same narrow 10-degree sliver of pie over & over again, too afraid or inhibited (or sophisticated?) to try the other 350 degrees. Somewhere we have lost our grasp of the joy of basic confidence to try.
There are two kinds of basic fears in the World: Fear of getting hurt & fear of failure. Both kinds of fear apply to all facets of life. We fear failure physically, mentally, emotionally & socially, & we fear being hurt physically, emotionally & socially. Both fears are self-fulfilling. Physical fear often causes physical hurt, & fear of failing almost always causes failure.
Children are born with neither of these two fears; it is the learning of the fears that takes away the joy.
The Child's Perspective
Our two-year-old Shawni came along to her older sister's dancing class. We were watching the older sister & left the two-year-old sitting down the row of seats. I glanced over & saw her eyes growing wider. The next moment she was up, twirling, whirling, a two-year-old facsimile of modern dance. She wanted to try, to experience.
This is a joy to preserve, a joy that small children almost always have but they often lose early. (Think of the three-year-old afraid to touch the snow or the four-year-old too shy to meet new people.) The symptoms of the loss of this joy are the phrases we have all heard: "Oh, I can't do it." "Will you help me? I'm afraid."
When did they lose it? Where do they leave it? Why? It is our fault. We fail to preserve it in three ways. First, in our preoccupation & "busyness," we fail ourselves to experience new things & to manifest the joy that comes from them. Failure no.1: Lack of example.
Second, again in our involvement with "more important things," we fail to praise & encourage their exploration. The encouragement could be verbal or, better yet, could be expressed by us learning from them, trying things with them. By criticising instead of praising, we build fear & rub out the continuing desire to try. A child performs an important experiment by pouring his milk into his soup, & we call him a mess. A child takes off his shoes to see how the grass feels, & we tell him, "That's silly," & doesn't he know he will get dirty. Failure no.2: Criticism instead of praise.
Third, we often compare our children with each other or with other children, thus making them feel inferior. Johnny tries to run a race or improve on the piano & glows with the joy of trying until we say, "Say, that Jones boy sure is learning fast," or "I wonder how the Smith girl got so good on the piano? She's only had lessons for as long as Johnny." Failure no.3: Discouragement by comparison or by overdone caution.
How To
Let children try things physically. Break down & try things with them. Climb a tree. Jump off a diving board. It will do you good & give verbal & nonverbal encouragement to your children's physical confidence. Particularly, try things you are not good at. Let the children see that lack of skill is no reason for not trying.
The trick is to create a basically safe environment, rather than having to constantly warn about physical danger.
Fold a quilt or heavy blanket lengthwise to make a mat & let the children try various types of tumbling. Do a somersault or two yourself.
Win & keep the children's trust. Children trust us until we violate their trust. A broken trust hurts them not only at the moment, but permanently, because it teaches fear of being hurt. Keep their trust by never lying, even a little. Don't say, "The doctor won't hurt you." Don't say you'll spank them if they do it again & then not spank them when they do. Don't tell them to tell the telephone caller you're not at home. Don't forget a promise. If they never learn to doubt you on small things, then they'll never doubt your compliments to them, your advice to them, your love for them.
Encourage children to try new things. Look for & set up new experiences. When they ask for help, first say, "I'll be here to help, but try it first." Then praise the try as much or more than the success.
Praise the attempt & teach them that mistakes are okay. To praise the result when the result is not good violates the trust. But to praise the try, to compliment the effort--this sort of praise will bring about more tries & eventually more success. We thus teach that there is such a thing as successful failure: Failure from which we learn & grow. "It's okay not be able to do it. It's okay to miss, to fall down, to make a mistake. This is how we grow."
TEACHING THE JOY OF FAMILY SECURITY, IDENTITY & PRIDE
When I was growing up, I knew a group of brothers & sisters, schoolmates of mine. I was always impressed because they seemed so unconcerned about being with the "in group" or the "right people." They didn't even care much about wearing the newest thing, the latest style. They were all friendly, though, & all well liked. They seemed so secure, unafraid of failure.
Each of the six had his own personality, but all possessed one similar quality, a quality that I grew to greatly admire. It was a peace, a calm, a security, a naturalness, a confidence. None of these adjectives quite describe it, but it was there. You could feel it; you knew they had it. I was always interested in where it came from. It wasn't from individual brilliance, exceptional athletic ability, or particular handsomeness or beauty; they were pretty average in each of these categories. The clue seemed to be in their love & acceptance of each other.
One day an unexpected opportunity came to discover the true source of their confidence. The family moved into a house just across the block from my house. Now, instead of seeing them just in school, I saw them at home, & the secret was revealed! The confidence, the assurance, the security, the unity came from the unconditional love in their home. From the outside their home was ordinary; on the inside it was extraordinary.
I remember the youngest child, who was just turning two. The first words he ever said were, "Ah, mush," a phrase often used in the family to poke fun at the frequent hugs & pats & physical affection that were shown in the house.
I know now that the secret was in the warmth & acceptance & security of that home--a joy irreplaceable, & unavailable from any other source.
How To
Genealogy. Children love knowing "where they came from" in the genealogical sense. Some ways to convey this are:
1. Frame old family pictures & group them together on a special wall.
2. Draw a simple family tree, with each child as a branch & the parents as the trunk, & the grandparents as individual roots. Put pictures of the parents & grandparents on the trunk & roots & of brothers & sisters on the limbs. Frame it & hang it on the same wall as the ancestor pictures.
Consistency. Children need to be able to depend on certain constants in their lives. There are four areas in which consistency is particularly important:
1. In discipline. If a family law is broken, the punishment or consequence should be automatic, expected & consistent.
2. In example. Make yourself predictable to your children--trying to always do right in their presence, but admitting mistakes.
3. In regular schedules for certain important things such as the evening meal or a weekly family meeting.
4. In always keeping promises.
Constant awareness of promises.
1. Support each other's activities
2. Show love for your spouse openly. As the saying goes, "The greatest thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."
Family song or chant: "Because We Are a Family."
Mom always loves me, don't you see,
Because we are a family.
When I'm scared, Dad holds me on his knee,
Because we are a family.
Who helps each other? You see, it's we,
Because we are a family.
We hug a lot & kiss...well, gee,
Because we are a family.
We work at becoming the best we can be,
Because we are a family.
We keep our house as neat as can be,
Because we are a family.
We work things out when we disagree,
Because we are a family.
My mom & dad are proud of me,
Because we are a family.
I cheer for my brother & he cheers for me,
Because we are a family.
When someone needs us, we try to see,
Because we are a family!
Display open gratitude for children. How simple--& how incredibly important--it is to let a child know how much he is wanted & needed, how precious & important he is to the family.
Tell the child a simple story about the day (or night) he was born & about how much you wanted him & how happy he made you.
TEACHING THE JOY OF INDIVIDUAL CONFIDENCE & UNIQUENESS
I had a favourite professor in graduate school, a man whose every move transmitted a certain, "I'm okay, you're okay" joy to all who were around him. He had remarkable patience. When a student could not seem to grasp a point, he would not chide or criticise; instead he would compliment the student on some other point where he was strong.
He couldn't sing or speak well. In fact, he seemed to have few particular abilities, yet he always seemed totally self-confident--not cocky or overbearing, just quietly of the belief that he could discuss anything, do anything.
I did well in his class, in part because I found him so interesting, & by the end of the year I knew him well enough that we had lunch together once in awhile. I asked the source of his confidence. He said there were two elements, the first of which was his faith. He expressed to me, with no hesitation or inhibition, his belief in a higher power to whom he could pray & who he felt would guide & nudge & help him through life.
"What is the second thing?" I asked. "Well," he said, "I'm a little like the great craftsman who made the finest violins in the World. Stradivari used to say, `God can't make a Stradivarius without Antonio Stradivari.' I have certain gifts, & I think I have discovered what most of them are. I am sufficiently confident in two or three basic areas that I feel equal to anyone."
I've thought a great deal about what he said. His joy was confidence. His confidence was a combination of faith & gifts he had discovered. I realised that everyone can have both, that no one is precluded from faith, & no one is without particular, unique gifts.
Children can feel the joy of individual confidence & uniqueness. This fact is often illustrated by children themselves at our experimental Joy School. Early in our first year, while we were dealing with the physical joys, I had an experience that taught me something about the joy of individual confidence. A group of children were dancing, & the teacher was showing them how to skip. I was sitting at the side, observing. There were about ten children, four of whom just could not grasp the technique or coordination of skipping. It intrigued me that three of the four looked dejected, embarrassed & upset because they couldn't do it. Each of the three, in his own way, stopped trying: One cried, one walked out & one started acting silly & boisterous to distract attention from his failure. The fourth little boy showed absolutely no embarrassment or concern or self-consciousness for not being able to skip. He kept watching, kept trying, kept failing, kept watching, kept trying. When the exercise was over, I asked him some questions:
"Do you like to skip?"
"Yes, but I can't do it very good."
"Well, did you wish they'd stop skipping & do something you were better at?"
"No, because I want to learn how."
"Do you feel bad because you can't skip?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm better at other things."
"Like what?"
"Mommy says I'm good at painting pictures."
"I see."
"And I'm 'specially good at keeping my baby brother happy."
"I see, Jimmy. Thanks for answering my questions."
"That's all right. Don't worry; some day I'm going to be good at skipping, too."
An amazing interchange for a four-year-old! But the principle behind it is not particularly amazing--it's quite natural. A person who is secure in the knowledge that he is good at certain things can much more easily accept the things he is not good at.
How To
Obvious, open, unconditional love. A child who feels an inalterable parental love has a built-in foundation for confidence. He knows no failure, no mistake, will rob him of that love & family acceptance. Tell him of your consistent love.
Know each child well as an individual. You can't help a child build confidence around his inherent gifts & talents unless you come to know what those gifts & talents are. Two ways to learn: (1) In private chats with the child, time spent together watching & appreciating; & (2) in organised time, spent as husband & wife, discussing each child, sharing perceptions, taking notes, discovering together more about the personality & individual character of each child.
Genuinely respect each child & his own gifts. Our children are human beings, deserving not only our love but our respect. With this thought in mind, sometimes it becomes a bit easier to (1) show an added measure of faith in them after any kind of failure; (2) discuss our own failures with them & tell them what we learned from each; (3) praise their accomplishments lavishly & honestly, particularly accomplishments in areas where we perceive special aptitude; & (4) never criticise or tear the children down personally. We should criticise instead the bad things they have done, making sure they still know our total love for them. Never criticise in public--"praise in public, correct in private."
Independence, self-reliance, responsibility at an early age. Confidence & its joy tie directly into being able to do useful things. Each child should have a job in the family, for the family--particularly daily or weekly jobs--for which he is praised & made to feel very able & very important, very much a part of the family.
Help the children to see what their own unique gifts are--& that these gifts are as good as anyone else's.
1. The "one thing I like about you" game: Sit five or six children in a circle, with one in the middle. Let each child say something he likes about the one in the middle, such as "One thing I like about Tommy is that he can tie his own shoes."
2. Individual profile charts: Trace a profile from each child's shadow on a poster. Then, under each profile, write in the eye colour, hair colour, sex, age, position in the family, & what the child is good at. Put the posters up on the wall & let each child take pride in his uniqueness.
Special nicknames for each child. A similar feeling of specialness comes with an affectionate nickname, especially when it is used exclusively by one parent. To Daddy, Saren is "Princess," Shawni is "Pixie," Josh is "Herkimer," Saydi is "Sugar Plum" or "Tater Tot," Jonah is "Boomer Bumpkin," Talmadge is "Mudgie" & Noah is "Nobie."
Mommy & Daddy dates. Set aside a special time each week when there is a one-to-one relationship between mother or father (or both) & one child. These occasions may sometimes take planning, & other times they may consist simply of maximising the moment.
"Empty Books." A dear friend mentioned at the time our first two children were still tiny that she got a great deal of satisfaction from buying an "empty book" (well-bound with empty pages) for each child when he was a baby & recording special events & character changes in the child's life as he grew. The ultimate plan was to present it to him on his wedding day.
We have followed her example & have found many benefits that we hadn't planned. The children know we are keeping the books & they feel a great sense of uniqueness & pride in knowing that even though, for the most part, the contents are secret until their wedding day, they themselves are individuals in their parents' eyes. They see us writing about those special events & are secretly thrilled that we take time for just them. Also, in reading back over events from these first few years, we realise how easily we forget those momentous moments (birth, toddler's mischief, starting school) in a child's life unless they are recorded. They'll make great "vicarious journals" & will be lots of fun for our children's children to read some day. Reading back through them is also, for us, a chance to evaluate the progress & needs of each child.
PRESERVING THE JOY OF REALNESS, HONESTY & CANDOR
Last time I tried to give three-year-old Josh a bath, the big new shampoo bottle was empty. "Did you dump it out, Josh?" His brow furrowed as he anticipated the worst. "Yes, Dad." We have a family law against "dumping," & Josh knows the law, so he needed a little punishment. But I praised him so much for telling the truth that it outbalanced the punishment.
As I dried Josh, I had candor & honesty on my mind & happened to hear Saren, now six, in whom we had tried so hard to preserve that quality. She was in her bedroom with a new friend from school. They were discussing their dolls.
Saren: "This doll has a problem. Her skirt has lost its elastic, so it slips right off."
Friend: Let's tie a string around it."
(Silence for several minutes.)
Saren: It scares me when Miss Christie calls on me to read in school. Does it scare you?
Friend: A little.
Saren: I'm getting over it, though.
Friend: The more you do it, the easier it gets.
Saren: I guess so. There, we got the skirt almost ready.
(Pause.)
Friend: Saren, do you like me?
Saren: Of course, silly. I like everything about you.
Friend: Everything?
Saren: Except I didn't like it when you played with Patty at recess--but Mommy says I was just jealous.
Friend: What's jealous?
Saren: Not wanting someone to have more fun than you.
Friend: I like you, too, Saren.
To be honest, to be open, to talk freely about the real feelings--what a joy!
How To
Example. Be as real & open as your children are. Verbalise your real feelings, fears & insecurities as well as your joys & loves. Show control, but show honesty! Tell them how you feel--"I'm upset about what happened this afternoon, so I got angrier with you than I should have." Never let them hear you lie about anything to anyone.
Reinforcement & praise. Whatever they get attention for, they'll probably do again; whatever they get praise for, they'll very likely do again; whatever they get joy & praise out of, they'll almost certainly do again. Encourage them to always tell how they feel--to tell not only you, but also other family members, teachers & friends.
Honesty discussion. Ask the children, "Do you know what it means to tell the truth?" Add to the children's answers, if necessary, to bring out that telling the truth means to tell things as they are: What really happened, what you really think & how you really feel.
Questions & Answers. Example of a question: If you accidentally bumped into your mother's plant & knocked some leaves off it & then told Mother that the baby pulled them off, would that be telling the truth? (No) What would that be? (A lie.)
Before going on to the next situation, ask, "How do you think you would feel if you told a lie?" (Sad, bad, worried, ashamed, awful.)
Another question example: What if you forgot to wash your hands for lunch & your mother said, "Did you wash your hands?" If you said, "No, I forgot," would that be telling the truth? (Yes.)
Bedtime is a good time for a little honest, important dialogue between parent & child. Years ago we started a tradition of asking each child as he was tucked in, "What was your `happy' & your `sad' today?" Children like to think back through the day to recognise & talk about emotions. "My happy was when my friend came over to play," or "when I got two snacks," or "when I jumped in the leaf pile," or "when Daddy came home." "My sad was when Lisa wouldn't play with me after school," or "when I couldn't hop very well in hopscotch," or "when I cut my finger," or "I didn't have any sads today."
The answers open up quick, golden chances to talk about real feelings. "How did it feel to play with Susan?" "Why do you suppose Lisa wouldn't play? Did something sad happen to her?"
TEACHING THE JOY OF COMMUNICATION & RELATIONSHIPS
I once knew a middle-aged man, an accountant, who had a ledger-book-size Christmas-card list. In this thick book all the pages were filled; there were hundreds & hundreds of names. "Business contacts?" I asked. He glanced over, paused for a moment as though considering whether he should tell me something important, then said, "No, they're relationships." He anticipated my next question & went on in his accounting terminology, "Every relationship you form, no matter how small, if it is genuine, can be an asset of eternal duration. No other entry can cancel it out. Some of us spend all our time on temporary assets: Money, positions, achievements. We ought to spend more on the eternal assets like relationships. Whenever I earn one, I make an entry on my Christmas card list."
I watched the accountant closer from then on & found that he practiced what he preached. When he met someone--on a plane, in his business, at a PTA meeting--his attitude seemed to be, "What can I learn from you? What is interesting & unique about you?" For him, life was a fascinating kaleidoscope of relationships, of endless people, each endlessly interesting & each offering more potential joy than a new car or a new position.
How To
General ideas.
1. Develop a tradition of listening. Really listen.
2. Have a sense of humour. Laugh at your own mistakes & laugh with children at every opportunity.
3. Always encourage children to hug & make up after a disagreement.
4. Show romantic love between parents: Holding hands, kissing as you leave, opening the car door, sitting close together, avoiding harsh words, emphasising loving words.
5. Teach & explain the Golden Rule.
6. Role reversal: Let the children play parents & you play child, so they see & appreciate your problems.
Communicate.
1. Speak candidly, graphically, logically to children.
2. Help children write letters--you write what they express. Praise them for phrasing things well.
3. Give lavish praise whenever children explain or say anything particularly well.
4. At dinner, encourage a child to talk about something that he knows a lot about--perhaps something he has just learned & is proud to know.
5. Talk on the phone with children whenever possible.
6. Encourage children to take advantage of any speaking opportunities. Help them really communicate to an audience.
Relationships.
1. Make their relationship with you a truly beautiful one.
2. Talk out disagreements. Sit them down face to face to work out problems or disagreements they have with each other.
3. Don't always step in on children's relationships or try to steer them too much--let them work things out. (My children were having a terrific fight in the back seat of our station wagon once when I had laryngitis. I found that they worked it out better on their own than they would have with my direction.)
4. Do something special for your children to stress the importance of your friendship with them. Take them for a drive, or bring them a surprise.
5. Play the game "Which is the better way?" in which children act out a good & bad way of deciding who should have the first turn, getting the dishes done after Sunday dinner etc.
TEACHING THE JOY OF SHARING & SERVICE
"The only ones around you who will be really happy are those who will have sought & found how to serve."--Albert Schweitzer
I have a friend who taught me a lesson about joy. He is a public person: That is, the public knows him. (I would guess that 50% of all persons in the Western world recognise his name, & perhaps 95% of those interested in sports.) One of our conversations was about pleasure. What did we do with our spare time? What did we do with those rare moments--rarer for him than for me--that we really had to ourselves? (Keep in mind, he could do anything, go anywhere, have anything that money could buy.) He said, "When I have a moment for myself, I try to use it to find some way to help someone. That's where I find real happiness. It's so much more fun than doing something for yourself."
I'd heard that you can judge a man by what he does with his spare time. I used that criteria & judged this man to be great; maybe more importantly, I judged him to be joyful, because the joy of giving is so deep. The joy comes from losing one's self in helping others, from dismissing self-worries to make room for other-worries. We make our living by what we get, but we make our life by what we give. Emerson said, "See how the masses of men worry themselves into nameless graves...while, here & there, a great, unselfish soul forgets himself into immortality."
A personal recollection (Linda's) may further illustrate the joy:
I remember that a particularly miserable time in my life came when I was in the sixth grade. I was 11 years old, considered my leftover baby fat anything but cute, & wore salmon-coloured "cat-eye" glasses which I abhorred. I sensed that I had no style &, worst of all, thought I had no friends. I was worried about who liked me & who didn't, & each day I wondered whether or not the one marginal friend I thought I had would be nice to me.
One Saturday afternoon while I was getting ready for a school party, I began telling my mother my feelings. I don't remember whether I just had not bothered to tell them to her before or whether she had passed them off lightly as childish whims when I had mentioned them. On this particular day, however, she took me seriously & could see that I was really concerned. As I donned my clothes, I said, "Mom, sometimes I feel so left out when I'm with other people. I just can't think of anything to say & yet I feel so uncomfortable if no one talks to me."
My mom, in her wisdom, gave me some counsel in those next few minutes that changed my life, "Linda, whenever you are with a group of people who are socialising with one another, look around; just stand back & look around a few minutes, & you will almost always see someone who needs you, someone who is feeling insecure & in need of a friend. You can tell by a look in the eye, a nervous mannerism, someone off by herself. Decide who needs you & then go to them; relate to them, ask questions about them, show them you care!"
This advice was like a miracle drug for my ailing soul. I went to the party. I stood back & observed. "There she is," I thought as I saw Beverly, the girl with the stringy hair & the buckteeth, sweet but not too bright. Everyone knew that she lived in a strange, broken-down house outside of town with about nine brothers & sisters, equally untidy & shabby. I remember her as though it were yesterday, sitting quietly in a chair, looking at her hands, while those around her giggled & chattered & ignored her. But what will everyone think? I cringed in my immature mind. If I talk to her, everyone will think I'm dumb & "out of it" like they think she is. But my conscience told me it was right, so I walked over to her. Suddenly, instead of muddling in my own misery because I didn't have any friends, I became her friend. I started by asking questions about her family & farm, & as the party wore on, I felt her warm acceptance & saw the joy in her eyes as she understood that somebody cared about her. But even more important to me, I was needed. I was providing a service to someone that, in time, made me grow to appreciate her. I also noticed that no one shunned me because of my association with her.
The experience gave me such a good feeling that I tried to pick out those who needed someone in other situations. As I began to forget myself in other people, I found that I was surrounded by a host of friends who really liked me for what I was.
If I could instill this in our children at an even younger age, how great their rewards would be. So often we say, "Oh, they're too young to understand." I wonder. Try teaching this principle to a four-year-old--you might be surprised.
You might start by performing "services" for each other. Services include anything from helping brother find his socks to letting sister use the new crayons. If we want children to love, we must teach them to serve. Older children can serve their younger brothers & sisters in countless ways!
------------------------------
Dare to Be Different--Poem by Helen Marshall
Dare to be different; life is so full
Of people who follow the same push-&-pull,
Poor, plodding people who, other than name,
Try to pretend they're exactly the same.
God made men different; there never will be
A replica soul made of you or of me.
The charm--the glory of all creation
Rests on this very deviation.
Your charm--your own glory, too,
Lies in being uniquely you--
Lies in being true to your best,
That part of you different from all of the rest.
------------------------------