IT'S O.K. TO BE SHY!--By Dr. Mitch Golant with Bob Crane
Shyness can be thought of as a sort of protective armor that insulates against the unknown, allowing us the time we need to become accustomed to new people, places & happenings. Without it working to at least some degree, we might act hastily, impetuously, dangerously.
President Franklin Delano Roosevelt is remembered for many things, & certainly shyness is not one of them. He was an exceptionally charming individual who had the gift of putting total strangers at their ease.
Yet, he once said about relating to strangers, "Everyone on Earth is shy, self-conscious & unsure of themselves. Everybody is timid about meeting strangers." And the man known for his charm included himself among those who are shy, self-conscious, unsure of themselves, & timid about meeting strangers!
Roosevelt also offered a bit of valuable advice that helps explain his ability to move with apparent ease among strangers: "If you will just spend the first minute you are in the presence of strangers helping them feel comfortable, you will never suffer from self-consciousness again." While that may be easier said than done, it is nonetheless something to keep in the back of your mind.
If we are to help our children respond to their shyness, if we are to establish an environment that will boost self-confidence & self-esteem & give them a sense of control over the events & circumstances of their social lives, we must first come to terms with the shyness we feel occasionally ourselves, as adults. It would also help to recall situations in which we felt shy as children.
Everyone reacts differently in social situations; Some are extroverted & outgoing; some are introverted & aloof; but most people are mixes of the two, depending on our mood & the other people involved.
Normal is what you are comfortable with, & that is as true for your child as it is for you. On the other hand, what feels normal is not necessarily the most healthy. A tendency toward extreme shyness, one that makes a child fearful of all human contact, must be dealt with. It is as necessary to grow socially as it is physically & emotionally.
Children want to be "normal". They want to be just like their friends & classmates. At the same time, children are inclined to be painfully aware of their uniqueness. A tiny blemish on the face, a microscopically disproportionate nose, a slightly unruly mop of hair, can stand out in a child's mind like a flashing beacon of strangeness.
A slight awkwardness in social situations may have a similar impact on your child. It can make your child feel different from his peers, who may seem composed & confident in social relationships. Your child may be unaware that his feelings of shyness are shared by his friends.
That is why it is important for parents to communicate to their children that shyness is normal, that all of us act shyly in certain situations.
How Does It Help Your Child to Realise that Shyness Is Normal?
The most valuable gift that parents can give to their child is awareness. Children don't understand their own feelings simply because their lack of experience makes self-understanding very difficult.
Let's look at an example of a woman who came to understand her own childhood shyness long after that knowledge could be of help to her. Pamela Smith is in her early thirties today, an artist & illustrator with two young children. She recalls her childhood & teen years as a time of some personal anguish.
"I was very shy," she says. "I envied my classmates who seemed polished & at ease in social situations. That's what I aspired to be, but somehow I knew it wouldn't happen.
"I didn't date at all until I was a senior in high school. I wasn't unattractive, but because of my shyness, I had pulled a defensive shell around myself. I became cool & distant. That made it easier for me to avoid awkward social situations, but it also made it very difficult for anyone to approach me. I was afraid to let anyone know about my shyness, so I kept it to myself.
"My parents weren't much help. They expected their children to be self-reliant, to solve most of our own difficulties. On the few occasions when I mentioned to my mother my difficulty in relating to classmates, she said, `Don't worry, you'll grow out of it.'
"A few years ago, I met a high school classmate at a party. I remember her well because she was everything I had wanted to be as a teenager. She was outgoing, warm, very popular.
"About a week later, we had lunch together, & we talked about our days in school. In the course of our conversation, I discovered that she had been every bit as insecure as I was. Somehow, she just managed to cover up her shyness. It was an absolute revelation to me. When I told her that, she seemed surprised that I hadn't recognised that all of us had our insecurities, our basic shyness.
"I can't change the past, but I've learned a valuable lesson. I hope it will enable me to help my children avoid some of the difficulties I went through."
Pamela Smith's story is revealing. First, she was self-consciously aware of her own shyness, but unaware that her peers had similar feelings. That made her feel different & isolated. This is a relatively common experience among children.
She became, as she put it, "cool & distant". That also is relatively common among children. It is one of the protective devices children use to mask their insecurities. Clearly, that facade distanced Pamela from her friends & classmates. To some of them, she may have appeared to have had a "holier than thou" attitude, while her real feelings were of inferiority to those she admired. (Incidentally, the converse also is common, particularly among children: They make fun of those they envy.)
To the adults who knew her, Pamela Smith undoubtedly appeared to be an adolescent in admirable control of herself & her surroundings, while deep inside she longed for help.
How Can I Help My Child Realise that Shyness Is Normal?
Here are some points to consider in helping your child cope with shyness.
Labeling: Parents should avoid labeling a child as shy. Labels of any kind are potentially harmful to a child's development.
Children, particularly young ones, have a tendency to interpret parental judgments as fixed truths. For example, a parent may say, "I don't want you to play with Billy today; he's not nice." The parent may mean simply that Billy has not been behaving well of late, but the child is likely to interpret that comment to mean that Billy is not a nice person & will remain that way for the rest of his life. The comment "Oh, he's shy" may be interpreted by the child in the same way.
A label can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if a child has had some early difficulties in school & hears himself labeled as a slow learner, the chances are high that he will continue to do poor work, whatever his real potential.
A child labeled as shy may believe that the label is a sort of condemnation: "I am shy, so I cannot expect to be fully accepted by friends & classmates." Or the label can become a crutch: "I am shy. That's just the way I am, so there is no sense in making an effort to be better accepted by my friends & classmates." It's as if the child's sense of who he is revolves around, & is determined by, his shyness.
What makes labeling so potentially damaging is that most children have little or no perspective on their ability to change with experience. That's why the shyness label can be so hard to shake off. The child lacks the experience to understand that shyness is a temporary feeling, or one that is connected to a specific set of circumstances.
Practice Makes Perfect: You can teach your child that, with practice, he or she will become more comfortable in social situations. You can draw upon your child's experiences in other areas to illustrate how this can happen.
In one way or another, most children learn the value of practice, even at a relatively early age. Tying shoelaces, at first a fumble-fingered effort, soon turns into a polished skill. Hitting a baseball may seem difficult at first, but with repetition becomes increasingly easy. Playing a musical instrument becomes easier with practice.
It is important to remember that practice at social skills can have a dramatic effect on our ability to deal with shyness at any age.
Make Progress at Your Own Pace: Children who are hesitant about involvement in social situations should be encouraged to be involved, but not forced. They should understand that they can improve their social skills through practice, but they shouldn't be forced into "sink or swim" situations.
You can help your child by encouraging his interests in activities that have a social aspect. An obvious example is a team sport. Children who show an interest in the outdoors may like scouting. An interest in dance can lead to group lessons. For almost any interest a child shows, there is a children's group activity.
The point is to get your child into groups where he or she will find children who share his or her interests. This is the best possible icebreaker for children who find it difficult to relate easily to their peers.
As adults, we tend to gravitate toward other adults who share our interests. Such groupings make it easier to relate to one another; we have something in common that makes conversation smoother. We may forget that children benefit from similar groupings. Children do not automatically have something in common simply because they are children.
Breaking the Ice: If fear of the unknown is an element of shyness, knowledge can help to ease a child's fears. For example, when strangers enter the home as guests, children often are left out of the introductions. Under these circumstances, some shyness with guests is understandable. The child cannot relate to the adults because he doesn't know who they are or what their relationship is to his parents.
You can ease your child's underlying fear not only by formally introducing a guest to your child but also by giving the guest some identity: "Mr. Simpson works in the office with me."
In fact, you can go one step further & alert the child in advance of the guest's arrival, providing as much information as possible about the individual.
That practice can be doubly beneficial. First, it helps the child feel more comfortable with a guest who is a stranger. Second, it gives the child a sense of importance, a feeling that he or she is being let into the world of adults.
What Kind of Home Environment Will Help Overcome a Child's Shyness?
The best home environment is one in which children feel loved for themselves--exactly the way they are, unconditionally--& in which they receive understanding & support. Equally important is an environment in which parents & children communicate openly.
Essentially, shyness arises from fear.
It is important that a child realise that achievement doesn't increase parental love any more than misbehaviour reduces it. In other words, a child should learn that love is not something that can be won or lost.
When a child knows that his or her parents will always love him or her, the child's fear of parental rejection will decrease, & the child will enter into new relationships with more confidence.
A child's sense of control over his or her environment plays an important role in his or her ability to relate well socially. This, too, can be affected by the home environment.
A child can sometimes suffer the ultimate sense of powerlessness. Children's lives & actions are dictated, for the most part, by "authority figures"--parents, teachers, coaches or whichever adult happens to be in charge at a given moment.
A parent can foster a child's feeling of control by allowing him or her to make certain decisions independently. Even seemingly insignificant decisions can have a positive effect on a child's sense of control. Point out to them that they have the power to choose their toys, their friends, the movies they see, perhaps even what they want for lunch, or for snack. In a situation where you might make a decision for a child, draw up a short list of acceptable solutions & have the child pick from the list. This promotes a feeling of self-worth & responsibility.
To develop self-confidence, children need a sense of the value of their efforts & achievements. They need praise from their parents for the things they do well, or for their honest efforts if & when they miss their goals.
In this respect, children are no different from adults. We all need praise from the people who are important to us. If we don't get it, we are inclined to believe that our achievements are hollow or worthless.
The human ego is extremely sensitive. And children's egos are even more sensitive than those of adults, because children haven't had enough experience to develop calluses on their egos.
Boosting a child's self-confidence requires much time, patience, & sensitivity on the part of an adult. Parents must seek out opportunities to praise a child for his or her efforts & accomplishments.
Jeffrey is the extremely shy ten-year-old son of a doctor I know. Jeffrey's father is so success-oriented, & his intention to see his son succeed is so powerful, that he all but emasculates Jeffrey. Each time Jeffrey is assigned a science project or complicated writing assignment, his father ends up doing most of the work.
While Jeffrey gets A's for the work, he doesn't get the satisfaction & sense of completion that would come from actually doing the work himself--no matter what the grade would be. Jeffrey is certainly bright enough to tackle the projects, but as each successive assignment is taken over by his father, Jeffrey grows less & less motivated, & in turn more shy & withdrawn. And that only makes Jeffrey's father more angry & determined to make sure that his son doesn't fail.
Unless Jeffrey's father catches on soon that his good intentions are producing the exact opposite result of what he intends, Jeffrey will always have trouble feeling good about himself.
Children need praise even for actions & activities that a parent may consider part of the child's responsibilities. Remember, children--especially shy children--often mistake silence for disapproval.
Praise for school accomplishments, or even good effort, is vital to a child. As parents, we too often focus our attention on criticizing poor performance & thus neglect to praise the good.
Even something as mundane as a child's consistently keeping his or her room clean & neat deserves praise.
The key to helping a child overcome his or her feelings of shyness is communication. A parent must communicate freely with a child, & must foster an environment in which a child feels secure in discussing concerns, problems & hopes.
At its core, shyness is a failure of communication--that is, the child has difficulty in relating to the World outside the family. If your child seems abnormally shy with others, make sure that his or her homelife encourages self-expression.
Try to talk about shyness with your child, even if you have to approach the subject in a roundabout manner, perhaps relating an incident from your own childhood. Encourage your child to pinpoint the source of his or her shyness by describing what it is he or she feels bashful about.
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On the following pages, you will find a series of stories about children & their feelings of shyness. The stories are intended to be read aloud. Read them to your child, or let the child read them aloud in your presence. The stories make several important points. First, they emphasize the fleeting quality of shyness--that it is a feeling that comes & goes depending upon the circumstances. Second, they illustrate that feeling shy is something common to all of us, at least occasionally. Third, they stress that feelings of shyness can be minimized. Finally, they make the point that seeking parental help can be beneficial to the child.
Any story can serve as a basis for further conversation. You might want to ask your child if he or she ever feels the way the child in the story does.
It will also help your child if you talk about your own feelings of shyness, both as a child & as an adult.
It is not necessary to read all of the stories in one sitting. Let your child's attention span dictate how many of the stories you read at one time.
Cathy's Story
Cathy was in the fourth grade. She loved to write poetry. Her teacher, Mrs. Ames, encouraged Cathy all the time.
One day Mrs. Ames asked Cathy to come to the front of the room. She wanted Cathy to read an especially good poem to the class. Cathy was surprised. She had never done that before.
When she reached the front of the classroom, Cathy got very nervous. She looked at the faces of all her classmates. At first, she tried to read her poem, but she was so nervous she could hardly speak. Finally, she just ran back to her seat & sat down. She was very embarrassed.
After the class was over, Cathy apologised to Mrs. Ames. "I'm sorry," she said, "I just got scared."
Mrs. Ames said, "That's very normal, Cathy. Everyone gets nervous in front of an audience. There is one thing you should always remember. When you are speaking in front of a group, everyone in the group is rooting for you to succeed. All of the kids in the class are your friends & they all want you to do well."
Cathy thought for a minute, & she realised that Mrs. Ames was right. When others in her class were called on to recite, she always wanted them to do well.
Mrs. Ames said, "I'll give you another chance to read some of your poems when I think the time is right. Just remember that simple rule. Everyone wants you to do well, so even if you make a mistake it's O.K."
Would Mrs. Ames' advice help you if you had to talk in front of the class?
Jennifer's Story
Jennifer was eight & loved the Girl Scouts. She was crazy about all the scouting activities, except one. When it came time to sell Girl Scout cookies, Jennifer always sold fewer than any other girl in the troop.
She would sell some to her mom & dad, & to her uncles & aunts, & to some of her parents' good friends. And that was it. She was always embarrassed about coming in last, & one year she decided she had to do better.
Jennifer knew that the only way to sell more cookies was to go around her neighborhood & call on people she hardly knew. That idea made her feel very uneasy.
One of Jennifer's Girl Scout friends, Betsy, was very good at selling cookies. Jennifer thought that was because Betsy didn't feel awkward about talking to adults she hardly knew, & Jennifer envied her for that.
The day the Girl Scout cookie drive started, Jennifer finally asked Betsy how she managed to call on people without getting nervous & uneasy. Betsy said, "Oh, it always makes me a little nervous."
Jennifer was very surprised. "It does make you nervous?" she said.
"Oh, sure," Betsy said, "but people are very nice & they want to be helpful because they know we're doing it for a good cause. It gets easier every time. You just have to try, that's all."
Jennifer decided that she would do it. She asked her mom to come with her, but Jennifer did all the work--& all the talking. She was surprised at how nice most people were, & she discovered that Betsy was right. It got easier each time.
Jennifer did very well. She didn't finish first in the cookie drive, but she didn't finish last, either. And that made her feel very good.
Alexandra's Story
Alexandra was nine & in the third grade. Her class was planning a trip to the Natural History Museum. Alexandra was really looking forward to it.
A few days before the trip, Alexandra's teacher told the class that she was going to name one of the kids as group leader. The group leader would be responsible for making sure that everyone stayed together on the museum tour. Everyone would be required to follow the group leader's directions.
Alexandra was shocked when the teacher pointed to her & said, "Alexandra will be our group leader for the tour."
When she got home, Alexandra told her dad what had happened. He said, "Oh, that's great, Alexandra. Your teacher must think very highly of you."
Alexandra same, "I feel funny about this, Dad. Some of those kids won't listen to me. I'm not bossy or tough, or anything like that."
Her dad said, "Alexandra, you don't have to be bossy or tough to be a leader. Your teacher has given you the authority to lead the group. That's the important thing. The kids will listen to you, because they know that you speak for the teacher. All you have to do is just be firm, & I'm sure everything will go very well."
Alexandra felt a little uneasy during the museum trip. Once or twice she had to tell some of the kids to move along & keep up with the group, but none of them gave her a hard time.
After the tour was over & everyone was back on the bus, Alexandra's teacher said, "You did a good job as a group leader, Alexandra. This was the most orderly tour of the museum I've ever had."
Alexandra felt very proud. Her dad was right. You didn't have to be bossy or tough to be a leader.
Have you ever been shy about taking charge?
Nancy's Story
Nancy was seven, & she was about to perform in her first school play. She didn't have the starring role in the play, but it was a very important one. She practiced her lines over & over again to be sure she didn't make any mistakes.
Everything went well in rehearsal, & Nancy was looking forward to the night of the play, when her mom & dad & all the parents would be in the audience.
Then, at home a few hours before the performance, Nancy started feeling funny. She got a little shaky & her stomach started to hurt. It got so bad, she had to tell her mom about it.
Her mom felt Nancy's head. "You don't have a fever," she said. "I think you may be suffering from stage fright, Nancy."
Nancy's dad said, "Well, Nancy, you have just joined the company of some of the greatest actors & actresses in the history of the theater."
"I have?" Nancy said. "I thought I was just getting scared, like a silly kid."
"No," her mom said. "It happens to just about every actor & actress, even after years in the theater."
Nancy felt a little better, & she played her role almost without a hitch. On the way home, Nancy said, "My stage fright went away almost as soon as the performance started." She had been surprised to realise she felt just fine.
"Yes," said her mom, "any time you're nervous in a situation like that, you just have to push yourself through it, & then it gets easier. That's one of the toughest lessons to learn in life, Nancy, & the trouble is you have to keep learning it over & over again. The next time you're in a play you'll get the same feelings. But it's only natural, & now you know you can overcome it."
"Now that I know what I have to do, maybe I'll be a movie star when I grow up," Nancy said.
"You're already a star as far as we're concerned," said Nancy's dad.
Have you ever had stage fright? What did you do?
Mark's Story
Mark was ten. He saw an advertisement in a comic book that said he could win a free baseball mitt just by selling fifteen magazine subscriptions. He needed a new mitt, so he decided that he would earn it himself, instead of asking his dad for the money. He wrote for information on how to get the mitt.
A few weeks later, he got a big envelope in the mail. It gave him all sorts of information on how to sell magazine subscriptions. He went around to all the people he knew & sold ten subscriptions. He only needed five more--but who was he going to sell them to?
Suddenly Mark realised he was going to have to ring the doorbells of strangers & ask them to take magazine subscriptions. First, he asked his dad to try to sell five more subscriptions at work. His dad said, "Oh, no, Mark. That's not fair. You'll just have to get your courage together & ring strangers' doorbells. I'll walk with you if you want, but you have to do the work."
Mark felt really funny about it. He didn't want to do it, but he was so close to getting that baseball mitt that he couldn't quit.
Finally, he talked himself into ringing strangers' doorbells. He asked his dad to wait on the sidewalk, & then he gritted his teeth & rang the doorbells of people he didn't know. At first, he didn't do too well. Mark stammered & apologised, & even talked one woman out of taking a subscription. But with each conversation, he got a little more comfortable talking about the magazines, & talking to the strangers.
Finally, he did it--he got his fifteenth subscription! He thought, "That wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be."
Mark was proud of himself for really sticking to it. His dad was right, he realised--sometimes you just have to get your courage together & do something, even if it's difficult.
Have you ever sold something to strangers?
Akiro's Story
Akiro was in the park with some friends one day. He was nine & in the third grade. Some of the boys were playing on their skateboards, & showing off a little.
His friend Teddy was very good at skateboarding. He did a few tricks, & then he said, "Hey, Akiro, would you like to use my skateboard?" Akiro really wanted to, but instead he said, "No, that's O.K. I'll just watch."
Akiro's big brother, Toshiro, was standing nearby. He said, "Akiro, why don't you go ahead & take the skateboard?"
"I'm no good at skateboarding," Akiro said. "I'd feel funny, because I'd look dumb compared with some of the other kids."
Toshiro said, "Nobody expects you to be as good as Teddy. He's offering you his skateboard because he wants to share it with you. So what if you make mistakes? The other kids know you haven't practiced much. You'll never learn until you try."
Akiro thought it over for a moment. "You're right," he said to Toshiro. He went over to Teddy & asked if he could use the skateboard. "But I'm not very good," he told Teddy. Teddy said, "So what?" & he gave Akiro his skateboard.
Akiro got onto the skateboard. It was fun. He fell down a couple of times, but no one laughed at him. Teddy was cheering him on. "Hey, Akiro, you're doing great," he said. "Let me show you a little trick you can do."
Pretty soon, the two of them were taking turns on the skateboard. Akiro thought to himself, "Wow, I would have missed a lot of fun if I didn't take a little chance!"
Have you ever felt nervous about trying something new?
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The "I-ness" of Shyness!
It's been said that "shy" is just an "I" with a "sh" before it! Shyness is really "I-ness"! The shy person is usually so busy thinking about himself that he says "sh" to any other subject & won't talk about it!--A lot of shyness is simply self-consciousness--to be overly conscious of one's self.
So how can we overcome shyness & timidity? One way is to forget about ourselves & think of others! Stop worrying about yourself! When we stop worrying about all the things that we think others would like us to be--and that we're not--and instead be content to be the way God made us to be, then we stop being so shy & self-conscious & worried about the opinions of others!
The famous author & dramatist, George Bernard Shaw, is an outstanding example of someone who overcame shyness & timidity to become one of the wittiest, most outspoken public speakers of all time! When asked how he did it, he replied, "I did it the same way I learned to skate--by persistently making a fool of myself until I got used to it!" As a young man, Shaw was one of the most timid men in London. He often walked up & down a street for 20 minutes before he dared to knock on a door of a household with which he was not well acquainted! "Few men," he confessed, "have suffered more from shyness & simple cowardice than I have, or been more horribly ashamed of it!"
Finally he hit upon a way in which to conquer his shyness & fear! He became determined to make his weakest point his strongest asset. He joined a debating society! He attended every meeting in London in which there was to be a public discussion, & would force himself to arise & take part in the debate! With practice, his public speaking improved, until George Bernard Shaw became one of the most confident & brilliant speakers of the early 20th Century!
As Christians, we have even surer ways of overcoming shyness & timidity, because we have Jesus, the Holy Spirit & God's Word!
How can these help us? Well, shyness is basically fear mixed with pride. Fear is the opposite of faith. So to overcome fear you must have more faith! How do you get more faith?--Through reading the Bible & God's Words! "Faith comes by hearing the Word of God"--Romans 10:17. The more faith in God you have, the more Love of God you'll have & the more love you will have for others! You'll become more concerned about other people than yourself, & this makes you less self-conscious & more Christ-conscious! So forget about yourself, & let Jesus love others through you!
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