APPLAUSE!--HOW TO HANDLE KIDS WITH PRAISE--By Donna Lawson

         Everyone needs praise; children need it most of all. As early as the second or third week of life, an infant will focus on his mother's face for that special glow of approval. "A positive, smiling acceptance, the look that says, `I am lucky to have you' mirrors an infant's sense of self," says Dr. Bernice Berk, psychologist.
         Positive touches & sounds also help babies feel loved & approved of. If, on the other hand, babies sense constant disapproval--their antennae are already finely tuned--the roots of insecurity begin to take hold & grow. "Praise is the greatest tool in behaviour modification," said B.F.Skinner, the leading exponent of behaviourism. "It goads us to better performance & encourages us to take the risks that expand our lives." At any stage, praise received or given can change our lives & the lives of those around us. With a child, the turnabouts can be amazing.
         "When parents come to me with their child's behavioural problem, I ask them if they regularly praise themselves & each other," says Dr. Lubetkin. "Then I ask them how many times a day they praise their child. Often they're surprised at how infrequently they do. So we start there, we increase the praise."
         "I used to teach four-year-olds & always gave them lots of praise," says Mona. "Then one year I had a terrible bully in my class. What I did was ignore his bullying & praise him when he was good. It was astounding. Within four days he'd stopped his bad behaviour. All he wanted was to be treated like a nice child instead of a bad one."

BE SPECIFIC, IMMEDIATELY, & DON'T QUALIFY

         When a child is given blanket approval, when everything is responded to with, "That's marvellous--you're terrific," he'll have no idea what he's actually capable of doing. "I've seen such children in school," says Dr. Berk. "It's difficult to motivate them. They can't engage in work or play, but sit passively waiting for the glow of approval to take place."
         "My father gave praise for everything I did whether it was noteworthy or not," says Ann, mother of two teenagers. "I know he was anxious to give me all the support he could. But as a result, I never worked hard enough & never set my sights on one specific thing. With my child, I try to be more honest. When I see something that is really praiseworthy, I will praise it lavishly."
         Dr. Berk agrees that praise should be connected to specific behaviour. "Saying, `I'm proud of you for putting that away so neatly,' or, `You really painted a terrific picture' allows your child to understand exactly what is evoking the praise."
         Just as praise must be specific, it should be immediate. Don't wait for Daddy to come home to praise Sally for tying her shoes. The glow of approval fades fast, particularly with small children.
         Be careful not to attach conditional phrases such as "You did well, but..." or, "You were fine, but look how well Johnny did." Dr. Lubetkin says, "Don't `zap' your child with `You got all A's--how terrific; now, if you'd only do that every time!' And don't say, `These A's are wonderful, but what's this B?'"

YOU HAVE TO REALLY MEAN IT

         You can use every possible kind of praise, unspoken as well as spoken. "Wow!" "Great!" "You did it!", a smile, a wink, a nod--they all work wonders," says Dr. Daniel Stern, "providing you really mean it. If your children sense you are really inside their heads, caring about their feelings, praise can be very potent."

ABOVE ALL, EMPATHISE

         "The best quality you can offer your child is empathy," says Dr. Ann Ornstein. "You try to assess the situation & sense what approval the child needs at the moment."
         After the age of two, when your child expands her territory, she will begin to understand words like "good," "terrific" & "I'm proud of you." But at any stage--infancy, two, 16--it takes enormous insight to know what your child secretly wants to hear from you.
         Spending time with your child will help you recognise the signals he puts out. If you don't listen, you won't hear. If you don't look, you won't see how he views himself, his world & his abilities.

SAY YES INSTEAD OF NO

         "Saying yes, yes, yes is always stronger than saying no," says New York Child psychiatrist Dr. Sirgay Sanger. Praise is the very best way to discipline. It sets limits your youngster both needs & wants.
         "If you glow at what you like, the absence of the glow says what you don't like," says Dr. Sanger. "Wait until your daughter doesn't spill her food, then praise her for neatness."
         "Always look for ways to give praise as positive reinforcement," says Dr. Lubetkin. "It's the most effective way to change behaviour. Put-downs, spankings & the punitive `no' may seem more effective because the problem stops immediately, but it will turn up again when the `I'll show you' tactic takes over."

DON'T EQUATE YOUR CHILD'S WORTHINESS WITH WHAT SHE DOES OR DOESN'T DO

         Never say, "I love you for cleaning your room," but rather, "You did a good job cleaning your room," says Dr. Lubetkin. Don't say, "You're a bad boy," but instead, "Stop--I don't like what you're doing." Never tell a child she is a source of disappointment: "Look what you've done to me."
         Never threaten her with abandonment: "You can go live with your father." This psychological abuse is capable of creating deep feelings of unworthiness & a lifelong inability to trust anyone.

ENCOURAGE REASONABLE RISK-TAKING

         Help your child to take steps toward achievement by coupling praise with permission to fail. Let your children know you are there for them, not to pick them up but to cheer them on when they pick themselves up & try again.
         Beth's mother taught her that she sometimes had to risk losing friends in order to stand up for what she believed. "This bunch of kids at school was picking on a new little kid, & I knew it wasn't right," says Beth, who is 11. "But I didn't want to say anything because I was afraid they would be angry with me. So I talked to Mom & she said I should tell them that I didn't think what they were doing was right, that I wasn't going to go along with them anymore. It was scary, but I was surprised. Instead of laughing at me or being angry, they started to respect me. Mom praised me a lot for standing up for what I thought was right, which made me feel even better."

USE PRAISE TO HELP YOUR CHILD FINISH TASKS

         If he feels frustrated when an activity doesn't pay off right away, use praise to help him work it through.
         "The other night, Pete had put off doing his homework until the last minute, & was using all sorts of tactics to avoid finishing it," says his mom. "I told him, `Pete, you've done such a good job with your homework up until now, you really deserve a pat on the back. Just a little extra push & you're going to be finished. I'll be so proud of you,' Well, he got to work, did it & was really pleased with himself. Eventually he'll learn to give himself the extra nudge to get himself through to completion."