DISCIPLINE WHILE YOU CAN!--By James Dobson
INTRODUCTION
There should be clearly marked boundaries that tell us where to steer the family ship. We require some guiding principles which will help us raise our children in safety & health. We will deal particularly with the subject of discipline as it relates to the "strong-willed child". Most parents have at least one such youngster who seems to be born with a clear idea of how he wants the World to be operated & an intolerance for those who disagree.
It is my firm conviction that the strong-willed child usually possesses more creative potential & strength of character than his compliant brothers, provided his parents can help him channel his impulses & gain control of his rampaging will. The following is dedicated to this purpose.
THE WILD & WOOLY WILL!
Just as surely as a dog will occasionally challenge the authority of his masters, a little child is inclined to do the same thing, only more so. This is no minor observation, for it represents a characteristic of human nature which is rarely recognised (or admitted) by the "experts" who write books on the subject of discipline. I have yet to find a text for parents or teachers which acknowledges the struggle--the exhausting confrontation of wills--which most parents & teachers experience regularly with their children. Adult leadership is rarely accepted unchallenged by the next generation; it must be "tested" & found worthy of allegiance by the youngsters who are asked to yield & submit to its direction.
But why are children so pugnacious? Everyone knows that they are lovers of justice & law & order & secure boundaries. The writer of the book of Hebrews in the Bible even said that an undisciplined child feels like an illegitimate son or daughter, not even belonging to his family. (See Heb.12:8.) Why, then, can't parents resolve all conflicts by the use of quiet discussions & explanations & gentle pats on the head? The answer is found in this curious value system of children which respects strength & courage (when combined with love).
This respect for strength & courage also makes children want to know how "tough" their leaders are. They will occasionally disobey parental instructions for the precise purpose of testing the determination of those in charge. This defiant game, called "Challenge the Chief", can be played with surprising skill by very young children. That rebellion can plant the seeds of personal disaster. The thorny weed which it produces may grow into a tangled brier patch during the troubled days of adolescence.
------------------------------
The police department of Houston, Texas, issued a leaflet giving rules for raising delinquent children:
"Begin from infancy to give him everything he wants. When he picks up bad words, laugh at him. Never give him any spiritual training. Wait until he is twenty-one and let him decide for himself. Don't use the word `wrong'. It may give him a guilt complex. Do everything for him so that he will be experienced in throwing all responsibility on others. Let him read any printed matter he can get his hands on.
"Quarrel frequently in his presence--he won't be too shocked when the home is broken up. Give him all the spending money he wants. He shouldn't have things as tough as you had them. AND prepare for a life of grief--you will have it!"
------------------------------
When a parent refuses to confront his child's defiant challenge, something changes in their relationship. The youngster begins to look at his mother & father with disrespect; they are unworthy of his allegiance. More important, he wonders why they would let him do such harmful things if they really loved him. The ultimate paradox of childhood is that boys & girls want to be led by their parents, but insist that their mothers & fathers earn the right to lead them.
The most urgent advice I can give the parents of an assertive, independent child concerns the importance of beginning to shape his will during the early years. I honestly believe, though the assumption is difficult to prove, that the defiant youngster is in a "high risk" category for anti-social behaviour later in life. I must also stress that the overall picture is not negative. It would appear that the strong-willed child may possess more character & have greater potential for a productive life than his compliant counterpart. However, the realisation of that potential may depend on a firm but loving early home environment. Thus, I repeat my admonition: Begin shaping the will of that child while he is in toddlerhood. (Notice that I did not say crush the will, or destroy it, or snuff it out!)
DEFIANCE OR IRRESPONSIBILITY?
Question: I am not sure if I understand the difference between wilful defiance & childish irresponsibility. Could you explain it?
Answer: Wilful defiance, as the name implies, is a deliberate act of disobedience. It occurs only when the child knows what his parents expect & then chooses to do the opposite in a haughty manner. In short, it is a refusal to accept parental leadership, such as running away when called, screaming insults, acts of outright disobedience, etc. By contrast, childish irresponsibility results from forgetting, accidents, mistakes, a short attention span, a low frustration tolerance, immaturity, etc. In the first instance, the child knows he was wrong & is waiting to see what his parent will do about it; in the second, he has simply blundered into a consequence he did not plan. It is wrong, in my view, to resort to corporal punishment for the purpose of instilling responsibility (unless, of course, the child has defiantly refused to accept it.) We should teach our children to submit to our loving leadership as preparation for their later life of obedience to God.
------------------------------
You will surely reap in your children exactly what you sow, especially if you don't discipline them!--That's your job as a parent, to train up your child in the way he should go.--Pro.22:6.
------------------------------
SHAPING THE WILL!--(For Various Age Groups)
Birth to Seven Months: When a child reaches about 6 months he should be able to profit from an occasional swat (usually on the hand), for doing something you've told him not to do. By this age they can almost always understand the meaning of "No," even if they don't understand the reasons behind it. For example, if he pulls your glasses off, although he may not understand why he shouldn't--that they can break etc.--he can understand "no" & realise he is disobedient if he defies you. But swatting a child of 6 months for wriggling while having a nappy changed or for crying in the midnight hours is a serious mistake. Most of all, at this early age, he needs to be held, loved, & most important, to hear a soothing human voice. He should be fed when hungry & kept clean & dry & warm.
On the other hand, it is possible to create a fussy, demanding baby by rushing to pick him up every time he utters a whimper or sigh. Infants are fully capable of learning to manipulate their parents through a process called reinforcement, whereby any behaviour that produces a pleasant result will tend to recur. Thus, a healthy baby can keep his mother hopping around his nursery 12 hours a day (or night) by simply forcing air past his sandpaper larynx. To avoid this consequence, it is important to strike a balance between giving your baby the attention he needs & establishing him as a tiny dictator.
From that demanding tyrant will grow a thinking, loving human being with an eternal soul & a special place in the heart of the Creator. To the exhausted & harassed new mother, let me say, "Keep going! You are doing the most important job in the Universe!"
Eight to Fourteen Months: Many children will begin to test the authority of their parents during the second 7-month period. The confrontations will be minor & infrequent for the first birthday, yet the beginnings of future struggles can be seen.
------------------------------
Be sure the rules & the punishment or sentence you lay down are Spirit-led & not too hard to keep or too hard, & not done in anger or without prayer.
------------------------------
How does a parent discipline a one-year-old? Very carefully & gently! A child at this age is extremely easy to distract & divert. Rather than jerking a china cup from his hands, show him a brightly coloured alternative--& then be prepared to catch the cup when it falls. When unavoidable confrontations do occur, win them by firm persistence & as a last resort, a swat on the hand. Again, don't be afraid of the child's tears, which can become a potent weapon to avoid naptime or bedtime or bathtime. Have the courage to lead the child without being harsh or mean or gruff.
Fifteen to Twenty-four Months: It has been said that all human beings can be classified into two broad categories: Those who would vote "Yes" to the various propositions of life, & those who would be inclined to vote "no". I can tell you with confidence that each toddler around the world would definitely cast a negative vote! If there is one word that characterises the period between 15 & 24 months of age, it is "No!" No, he doesn't want to eat his cereal. No, he doesn't want to play with his toys. No, he doesn't want to go to bed any time at all.
Let me make a few disciplinary recommendations which will, I hope, ease some of the tension of the toddler experience. I must hasten to say, however, that the negativism of this turbulent period is both normal & healthy, & nothing will make an 18-month-old child act like a five-year-old.
First, & for obvious reasons, it is extremely important for fathers to help discipline & participate in the parenting process when possible.
With regard to specific discipline of the strong-willed toddler, mild spanking can begin between 15 & 18 months of age. They should be relatively infrequent, & must be reserved for defiance.
Should a spanking hurt? Yes, or else it will have no influence. A swat on the behind through 3 layers of wet nappies simply conveys no urgent message. However, a small amount of pain for a young child goes a long way; it is certainly not necessary to lash or "whip" him. Two or three stinging strokes on the legs or bottom are usually sufficient to emphasise the point, "You must obey me." And finally, it is important to spank immediately after the offence, or not at all. A toddler's memory is not sufficiently developed to permit even a 10-minute delay in the administration of justice. Then after the episode is over & the tears subsided, the child might want to be held & reassured by his mother or father. By all means, let him come. Embrace him in the security of your loving arms. Rock him softly. Tell him how much you love him & why he must "do as daddy says". This moment can be the most important event in the entire day.
I caution parents not to punish toddlers for behaviour which is natural & necessary to learning & development. Exploration of their environment, for example, is of great importance to intellectual stimulation. You & I as adults will look at a crystal trinket & obtain whatever information we seek from that visual inspection. The toddler will pick it up, taste it, smell it, wave it in the air, pound it on the wall, throw it across the room, & listen to the pretty sound that it makes when shattering. By that process he learns a bit about gravity, rough versus smooth surfaces, the brittle nature of glass, & some startling things about mother's anger.
Am I suggesting that a child be allowed to destroy a home & all of its contents? No, but neither is it right to expect a curious child to keep his hands to himself. Parents should remove those items that are fragile or particularly dangerous.
Two to Three Years: Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of the "terrible twos" is the tendency of kids to spill things, destroy things, eat horrible things, fall off things, flush things, kill things, & get into things. They also have a knack for doing embarrassing things, like sneezing on a nearby man at a lunch counter. During these toddler years, any unexplained silence of more than 30 seconds can throw an adult into a sudden state of panic.
You must keep a sense of humour during the twos & threes in order to preserve your own sanity. But you must also proceed with the task of instilling obedience & respect for authority. When the young toddler consistently wins the early confrontations & conflicts, he becomes even more difficult to handle in the second & third years. Then a lifelong disrespect for authority often begins to settle in his young mind. Therefore, I cannot overemphasise the importance of instilling two distinct messages within your child before he is 48 months of age: 1) "I love you more than you can possibly understand. You are precious to me & I thank God every day that He lets me bring you up!" 2) "Because I love you, I must teach you to obey me. That is the only way I can take care of you & protect you from things that might hurt you. Let's read what the Bible tells us: `Children, obey your parents, for this is what God wants you to do.'" (Eph.6:1)
Healthy parenting can be boiled down to two essential ingredients, love & control, operating in a system of checks & balances. Any concentration on love to the exclusion of control usually breeds disrespect & contempt.
Specifically, how does one discipline a "naughty" two or three-year-old child? One possible approach is to require the boy or girl to sit in a chair & think about what he has done. Most children of this age are bursting with energy, & absolutely hate to spend ten dull minutes with their wriggly posterior glued to a chair. To some individuals, this form of punishment can be even more effective than a spanking, & is remembered longer.
------------------------------
Each child's discipline must be tailored for his particular needs, his individual personality! A lot depends on the child & what really gets through to him.
------------------------------
Four to Eight Years: By the time a child reaches four years of age, the focus of discipline should be not only on his behaviour, but also on the attitudes which motivate it. This task of shaping the personality can be relatively simple or incredibly difficult, depending on the basic temperament of a particular child. Some youngsters are naturally warm & loving & trusting, while others sincerely believe the World is out to get them. Some enjoy giving & sharing, whereas their siblings are consistently selfish & demanding. Some smile throughout the day while others complain & whine about everything from toothpaste to greens.
But how does one shape the attitudes of children? Most parents find it easier to deal with outright disobedience than with unpleasant characteristics of temperament or personality. Let me restate two age-old suggestions for parents.
1. There is no substitute for parental modelling of the attitudes we wish to teach, being a good sample. Someone wrote, "The footsteps a child follows are most likely to be the ones his parents thought they covered up." It is true. Our children are watching us carefully, & they instinctively imitate our behaviour. Therefore, we can hardly expect them to be kind & giving if we are consistently grouchy & selfish. We will be unable to teach appreciativeness if we never say "please" or "thank you" at home or abroad. We will not produce honest children if we teach them to lie to the debt collector on the phone by saying, "Dad's not home." In these matters, our boys & girls instantly discern the gap between what we say & what we do. And of the two choices, they usually identify with our behaviour & ignore our empty proclamations.
2. Most of the favourable attitudes which should be taught are actually based on the Bible, including honesty, respect, kindness, love, human dignity, obedience, responsibility, reverence, etc. And how are these time-honoured principles conveyed to the next generation? The answer was provided by Moses as he wrote more than 4000 years ago in the book of Deuteronomy. "You must teach them to your children & talk to them about them when you are at home or out for a walk; at bedtime, & the first thing in the morning. Tie them on your finger, wear them on your forehead, & write them on the doorposts of your house." (Deut.6:7-9) In other words, we can't instill these attitudes during a brief, two-minute bedtime prayer, or during occasional special training sessions. We must live them from morning to night.
Nine to Twelve Years: Physical punishment should be relatively infrequent during this period immediately prior to adolescence. Of course, some strong-willed children absolutely demand to be spanked, & their wishes should be granted. However, the compliant youngster should have experienced his last major spanking episode by the end of his first decade.
The overall objective during this final preadolescent period is to teach the child that his actions have inevitable consequences. One of the most serious casualties in a permissive society is the failure to connect those two factors, behaviour & consequences.
The best approach is to expect boys & girls to carry the responsibility that is appropriate for their age, & occasionally to taste the bitter fruit that irresponsibility bears.
Let me offer an illustration that may be read to an 11 or 12-year-old child. The following story was published by United Press International a few days after an eclipse of the sun had occurred.
"I JUST KEPT STARING. I WAS FASCINATED," GIRL SAYS OF ECLIPSE--NOW SHE'S BLIND!
TIPTON, Ind. (UPI)--Ann Turner, 15, is a living proff of the danger of trying to watch a solar eclipse with the naked eye. Now she is blind. On March 7, despite the warnings she had read, Ann "took a quick look through the window" at her home at the solar eclipse in progress. "For some reason, I just kept staring out the window," she told Pat Cline, a reporter for the Tipton Daily Tribune. "I was fascinated by what was taking place in the sky. There was no pain or feeling of discomfort as I watched. I stood by there perhaps four or five minutes when mum caught me & made me turn away from the window." Ann said she "saw spots before my eyes but I didn't think much about it." Shortly afterwards, she walked into town & suddenly realised when she looked at a traffic signal that she could not read signs. Frightened, Ann turned around & headed home. As she neared the porch, she said, she found she was "walking in darkness." She was too scared to tell her family until the next day, although she "had an intuition or suscpicion that something terrible was happening."
"I cried & cried," she said. "I didn't want to live in darkness the rest of my life. I kept hoping the nightmare would end & I could see again, but the darkness kept getting worse. I was scared, I had disobeyed my parents & other warnings. I could not go back & change things. It was too late."
When Mr. & Mrs. Coy Turner learned what had happened, they took Ann to specialists, but the doctors shook their heads & said they could not help Ann regain her sight. They said she is 90% blind & can make out only faint lines of large objects on the periphery of what used to be her normal sight field. With the help of a tutor, Ann is going ahead with her education. She is learning to adjust to the world of darkness.
------------------------------
If you refuse the easy way of obedience, the Bible says, "The way of the transgressor is hard."--Pro.13:15
------------------------------
After reading this dramatic story to your boy or girl, it might be wise to say, "Son, this terrible thing happened to Ann because she didn't believe what she was told by her parents & other adults. She trusted her own judgement, instead. And the reason I read this to you is to help you understand that you might soon be in a situation that is similar to Ann's. As you go into your teen years, you will have many opportunities to do some things that we have told you are harmful. For example, someone could give you some drugs which don't seem dangerous at all, even after you take them. Just like Ann, you may not realise the consequences until it is too late. That is why it will be so important for you to believe the warnings that you've been taught, rather than trust your own judgement. Many young people make mistakes during the teen-age years that will affect the rest of their lives, & I want to help you avoid those problems. But the truth of the matter is, only you can set your course & choose your pathway. You can accept what your eyes tell you, like Ann, or you can believe what your mother & I have said, & more important, what we read in God's Word. I have confidence that you will make the right decisions & it's going to be fun watching you grow up."
Summary: In summary, it is impossible to discipline properly until the parent is able to intercept the child's intent. Corporal punishment should occur only in response to deliberate disobedience or defiance.
"But how can you know for sure?" That question has been asked of me hundreds of times. A mother will say, "I think Chuckie was being disrespectful when I told him to take his bath, but I'm not sure what he was thinking."
There is a very straightforward solution though this parental dilemma: Use the first occasion for the purpose of clarifying the next. Say to your son, "Chuck, your answer to me just now sounded cheeky. I'm not sure how you intended it. But so we will understand each other, don't talk to me like that again." If it occurs again, you'll know it was deliberate.
Most confusion over how to discipline results from parents' failure to define the limits properly. If you're hazy on what is acceptable & unacceptable, then your child will be doubly confused. Therefore, don't punish until you have drawn the boundaries too clearly to be missed. Most children will then accept them with only an occasional indiscretion.
------------------------------
You have to teach kids you mean what you say! That's the only kind of discipline that works: The kind where you mean what you say & you keep your word & your kids know it.
------------------------------
"HOW CAN I GET HER MOVING?"
Question: It's easy for you to tell me not to get angry at my children, but there are times when they just make me furious! For example, I have a horrible time getting my 10-year-old daughter ready to catch the school bus each morning. She will get up when I insist, but she dawdles & plays as soon as I leave the room. I have to goad & push & warn her every few minutes or else she will be late. So I get more & more angry, & usually end up by screaming insults at her. I know this is not the best way to handle the little brat, but I declare, she makes me want to clobber her! Tell me how I can get her moving without this emotion every day.
Answer: You are playing right into your daughter's hands by assuming the responsibility of getting her ready each morning. A 10-year-old should definitely be able to handle that task under her own steam, but your anger is not likely to bring it about. We had a very similar problem with our own daughter last year. Perhaps the solution we worked out will be helpful to you.
Danae's morning time problem related primarily to her need to tidy her room. She will not leave for school each day unless her bed is made perfectly & every trinket is in its proper place. This was not something we taught her; she has always been very meticulous about her possessions. (I should add that her brother, Ryan, does not have that problem!) Danae could easily finish these tasks on time if she were motivated to do so, but she was never in a particular hurry. Therefore, my wife began to fall into the same habit you described, warning, threatening, pushing, shoving, & ultimately becoming angry as the clock moved towards the deadline.
Shirley & I discussed the problem & agreed that there had to be a better method of getting through the morning. I subsequently created a system which we called "Checkpoints". It worked like this. Danae was instructed to be out of bed & standing erect before 6:30 each morning. It was her responsibility to set her own clock-radio & get herself out of bed. If she succeeded in getting up on time (even one minute later was considered a missed item) she immediately went to the kitchen where a chart was taped to the refrigerator door. She then circled "yes" or "no", with regard to the first checkpoint for that date. It couldn't be more simple. She either did or did not get up by 6:30.
The second checkpoint occurred forty minutes later at 7:10. by that time, she was required to have her room straightened to her own satisfaction, be dressed & have her teeth brushed, hair combed, etc, & be ready to have a little reading time. Forty minutes was ample time for these tasks, which could actually be done in ten or 15 minutes if she wanted to hurry. Thus, the only way she could miss the second checkpoint was to ignore it deliberately.
Now, what meaning did the checkpoints have? Did failing to meet them bring anger & wrath & gnashing of teeth? Of course not. The consequences were straightforward & fair. If Danae missed one checkpoint, she was required to go to bed 30 minutes earlier than usual that evening. If she missed two, she hit the sheets an hour before her assigned hour. She was permitted to read during that time in bed, but she could not watch television or talk on the telephone. This procedure took all the morning pressure off Shirley & placed in on our daughter's shoulders, where it belonged. There were occasions when my wife got up just in time to fix breakfast, only to find Danae sitting soberly at the table, clothed & in her right mind.
This system of discipline can serve as a model for parents who have similar behavioural problems with their children. It was not oppressive; in fact, Danae seemed to enjoy having a target to shoot at.
------------------------------
If the children have helped to make the rules, then they're more aware of them, & will be more inclined to obey them & more apt to accept the consequences that they themselves have laid down.
------------------------------
"NO!"
Question: What other errors do parents commonly make in disciplining children?
Answer: For one thing, it is very easy to fall into the habit of saying "no" to our children. "No, you can't go outside." "No, you can't have a biscuit." "No, you can't use the telephone." "No, you can't spend the night with a friend." We parents could have answered affirmatively to all of these requests, but chose almost automatically to respond in the negative. Why? Because we didn't take time to stop & think about the consequences; because the activity could cause us more work or strain; because there could be danger in the request; because our children ask for a thousand favours a day & we find it convenient to refuse them all.
While every child needs to be acquainted with denial of some of his more extravagant wishes, there is also a need for parents to consider each request on its own merit. There are so many necessary "no's" in life that we should say "yes" whenever we can.
Ultimately, the key to competent parenthood is in being able to get behind the eyes of your child, seeing what he sees & feeling what he feels. When he is lonely, he needs your company. When he is defiant, he needs your help in controlling his impulses. When he is afraid, he needs the security of your embrace. When he is curious, he needs your patient instruction. When he is happy, he needs to share his laughter & joy with those he loves.
The parent who intuitively comprehends his child's feelings is in a position to respond appropriately & meet the needs that are apparent. And at this point, raising healthy children becomes a highly developed art, requiring the greatest wisdom, patience, devotion & love that God has given to us. The Apostle Paul called the Christian's life a "reasonable service". We parents would do well to apply that same standard to the behaviour of our children.
THE SCOURGE OF FAMILY RIVALRY
1. Don't inflame the natural jealousy of children. Family rivalry is not new, of course. It was responsible for the first murder on record (when Cain killed Abel), & has been represented in virtually every two-child family from that time to this. The underlying source of this conflict is old-fashioned jealousy & competition between children.
If jealousy is so common, then how can parents minimise the natural antagonism which children sometimes feel for their brothers & sisters? The first step is to avoid circumstances which compare them unfavourably with each other. Lecturer Bill Gothard has stated that the root of all feelings of inferiority is comparison. I agree. The question is not, "How am I doing?" It is, "How am I doing compared with John or Steven or Marion?" The issue is not how fast can I run, but who crosses the finish line first.
Accordingly, parents should guard against comparative statements which routinely favour one child over another. This is particularly true in three areas. First, children are extremely sensitive about the matter of physical attractiveness & body characteristics. Suppose, for example, that Sharon is permitted to hear the casual remark about her sister, "Betty is sure going to be a gorgeous girl." The very fact that Sharon was not mentioned might establish the two girls as rivals.
Second, the matter of intelligence is another sensitive nerve to be handled with care. It is not uncommon to hear parents say in front of their children, "I think the younger boy is actually brighter than his brother." Adults find it difficult to comprehend how powerful that kind of assessment can be in a child's mind!
Third, children (especially boys) are extremely competitive with regard to athletic abilities. Those who are slower, weaker, & less co-ordinated than their brothers are rarely able to accept "second best" with grace & dignity.
In matters relative to beauty, brains, & athletic ability, each child should know that in his parents' eyes, he is respected & has equal worth with his brothers & sisters. Praise & criticism at home should be distributed as evenly as possible, although some children will inevitably be more successful in the outside world.
2. Establish a workable system of justice. One of your most important responsibilities is to establish an equitable system of justice & balance of power at home. There should be reasonable "laws" which are enforced fairly for each member of the family.
HAMMY & SIGGIE!
Question: Do you claim to make weighty decisions on behalf of your kids with unshakable confidence? How do you know that what you're doing will ultimately be healthy for them?
Answer: It is certain that I will make mistakes & errors. My human frailties are impossible to hide & my children occasionally fall victim to those imperfections. But I cannot abandon my responsibilities to provide leadership, simply because I lack infinite wisdom & insight. Besides, I do have more experience & better perspective on which to base those decisions than my children possess at this time. I've been where they're going.
Perhaps a crude example would be illustrative. My daughter has a pet hamster (named Hammy) who has a passion for freedom. He spends a portion of every night gnawing on the metal bars of his cage & forcing his head through the trap door. Recently I sat watching Hammy busily trying to escape. But I was not the only one observing the furry little creature. Sitting in the shadows a few feet away was old Sigmund, our dachshund. His erect ears, squinted eyes, & panting tongue betrayed his sinister thoughts. Siggie was thinking, "Come on, baby, break through to freedom! Bite those bars, Hambone, & I'll give you a thrill like you've never experienced!"
How interesting, I thought, that the hamster's greatest desire would bring him instant & violent death if he should be so unfortunate to achieve it. Hammy simply lacked the perspective to realise the folly of his wishes. The application to human experience was too striking to be missed & I shook my head silently as the animal drama spoke to me. There are occasions when the longings & desires of our children would be harmful or disastrous if granted. They would choose midnight bedtime hours & no schoolwork & endless cartoons on television & chocolate sundaes by the dozen. And in later years, they might not see the harm of drug abuse & a life of uninterrupted fun & games. Like Hammy, they lack the "perspective" to observe the dangers which lurk in the shadows. Alas, many young people are "devoured" before they even know that they have made a fatal mistake!
Then my thoughts meandered a bit farther to my own relationship with God & the requests I submit to Him in personal prayer. I wondered how many times I had asked Him to open the door of my "cage", not appreciating the security it was providing. I resolved to accept His negative answers with greater submission in the future. Returning to the question, let me repeat that my decisions on behalf of my children do not reflect infinite wisdom. They do, however, emanate from love & an intense desire to do the best I can. Beyond that, the ultimate outcome is committed to God virtually every day of my life. Like the woman Jesus spoke of in the Bible, "I have done what I could." (Mark 14:8) I hope this is a help to you!