DARE TO DISCIPLINE!--By James Dobson
INTRODUCTION
Much has been written about the dangers of harsh, oppressive, unloving discipline; these warnings are valid & should be heeded. However, the consequences of excessive punishment have been cited as justification for the elimination of discipline. That is foolish. There are times when a stiff-necked child will clench his little fists & dare his parent to accept his challenge; he is not motivated by frustration or inner hostility, as is often supposed. He merely wants to know where the boundaries lie & who's available to enforce them. Many well-meaning specialists have waved the banner of tolerance, but offered no solution for defiance. They have stressed the importance of parental understanding of the child, & I concur, but we need to teach Junior that he has a few things to learn about mum, too!
The term "discipline" is not limited to the context of punishment. Children also need to be taught self-discipline & responsible behaviour. They need assistance in learning how to face the challenge & obligations of living. They must learn the art of self-control. Permissiveness has not just been a failure; it's been a disaster!
As the author Jack London has stated, "The best measurement of anything should be: Does it work?" When properly applied, discipline works! It permits the tender affection made possible by mutual respect between a parent & child. It bridges the generation gap which otherwise separates family members who should love & trust each other. It allows the God of our fathers to be introduced to our beloved children. It permits a teacher to do the kind of job in the classroom for which she is commissioned. It encourages a child to respect his fellowman, & live as a responsible, constructive citizen. As might be expected, there is a price tag on these benefits: They require courage, consistency, conviction, diligence, & enthusiastic effort. In short, one must dare to discipline. (Editor: With laws regarding corporal punishment tightening up in many countries, we suggest you discreetly inquire as to the situation in your country so as to prevent charges of "child abuse" or unfair parenting should it be illegal to spank children in the country you are in. If it is illegal, pray & ask the Lord to show you other ways to deal with & train your children. You can refer to other tips & suggestions published in these book summaries on how to discipline without spanking.)
TEACHING RESPECT & RESPONSIBILITY
The Frog in the Pan. If a frog is placed in a pan of warm water under which the heat is being increased very gradually, he will typically show no inclination to escape. Since he is a cold-blooded creature, his body temperature remains approximately the same as the water around him & he does not notice the slow change taking place. As the temperature continues to intensify, the frog remains oblivious to his danger; he could easily hop his way to safety, but he is apparently thinking about something else. He will just sit there, contentedly peering over the edge of the pan while the steam curls ominously around his nostrils. Eventually, the boiling frog will pass on to his reward, having succumbed to an unnecessary misfortune that he could easily have avoided.
Human beings have some of the same perceptual inadequacies as their little green friends. We quickly become excited about sudden dangers that confront us. War, disease epidemics, earthquakes & hurricanes bring instant mobilisation. However, if a threatening problem arises very slowly, perhaps over a decade or two, we often allow ourselves to "boil" in happy ignorance. This blindness to gradual disasters is best illustrated by the way we have ignored the turmoil that is spreading systematically through the younger generations of Americans. We have passively accepted a slowly deteriorating "youth scene" without uttering a croak of protest.
Certainly the purpose of this is not to condemn our children; they are our most important & valued resources. On the contrary, the older generation must assume the blame for allowing the circumstances to deteriorate. There was a time when the trend could easily have been reversed, but like the contented frog, we must have been thinking about something else. The time has come for us to hop, rather than boil. It is our parental responsibility to get off our corpulent behinds & take steps to eliminate the problems which threaten our children.
Many of our difficulties with the present generation of young people began in the tender years of their childhood. Little children are exceedingly vulnerable to the teaching (good or bad) of their guardians, & mistakes made in the early years prove costly, indeed. There is a critical period during the first four or five years of a child's life when he can be taught proper attitudes. These early concepts become rather permanent. When the opportunity of those years is missed however, the prime receptivity usually vanishes, never to return.
Heredity vs. Learning. Heredity does not equip a child with proper attitudes; children will learn what they are taught. We cannot expect the desirable attitudes & behaviour to appear if we have not done our early homework.
Love AND Discipline. Although love is essential to human life, parental responsibility extends far beyond it. A parent may love a child immeasurably, & then proceed to teach him harmful attitudes. Love in the absence of instruction will not produce a child with self-discipline, self-control, & respect for his fellow man. Affection & warmth underlie all mental & physical health, yet they do not eliminate the need for careful training & guidance.
At a recent psychologists' conference in Los Angeles, the keynote speaker made the statement that the greatest social disaster of this century is the belief that abundant love makes discipline unnecessary. Respectful & responsible children result from families where the proper combination of love and discipline is present.
Child Control.--5 Key Elements
I am thoroughly convinced that the proper control of children can be found in a reasonable, common-sense philosophy, where five key elements are paramount.
1. Developing respect for the parents is the critical factor in child management.
It is most important that a child respects his parents, not for the purpose of satisfying their egos, but because the child's relationship with his parents provides the basis for his attitude towards all other people.
The parent-child relationship is the first & most important social interaction an infant will have, & the flaws & knots in that interaction can often be seen in later relationships. For example, suppose a child wants some sweets but his parents refuse, so he falls down on the floor & screams & bangs his head on the carpet. Mum then becomes upset by the display & says, "Here, Johnny, perhaps one sweet won't hurt you. Now stop crying." She has made it profitable for Johnny to react emotionally. His yelling paid a tasty dividend. He challenged the system & won the battle. If good-hearted mum follows that same approach to his protests during the next 14 years, little Johnny may gradually grow up to become Big Bad John, expecting everyone else to yield to his demands as his weak old mum did. When rebuffed later by a less pliable authority, the stage is set for a violent collision.
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Children are the greatest child psychologists in the World & they'll pull the psychology on you! They'll outsmart you, too, if you let'm. They're very smart. They know more about it than you do, you've just gotta keep at least one jump ahead of them.
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Respect for the parent must be maintained for another equally important reason. If you want your child to accept your values when he reaches his teen years, then you must be worthy of his respect during his younger days.
The issue of respect can also be a useful tool in knowing when to punish & how excited one should get about a given behaviour. First, the parent should decide whether an undesirable behaviour represents a direct challenge of his authority--to his position as the father or mother. Punishment should depend on that evaluation.
In my opinion, spankings should be reserved for the moment a child (age 10 or less) expresses a defiant "I won't!" or "You shut up!" When a youngster tries this kind of stiff-necked rebellion, you had better take it out of him, & pain ia a marvellous purifier. When nose-to-nose confrontation occurs between you & your child, it is not the time to have a discussion about the virtues of obedience. You have drawn a line in the dirt, & the child has deliberately flopped his big hairy toe across it. Who is going to win? Who has the most courage? Who is in charge here? If you do not answer these questions conclusively for the child, he will precipitate other battles designed to ask them again & again. It is the ultimate paradox of childhood that a youngster wants to be controlled, but he insists that his parents earn the right to control him.
You cannot inflict permanent damage to a child if you follow this technique: Identify the rules well in advance; let there be no doubt about what is & is not acceptable behaviour; when the child cold-bloodedly chooses to challenge those known boundaries in a haughty manner, give him good reason to regret it; at all times, demonstrate love & affection & kindness & understanding. Discipline & love are not opposites; one is a function of the other. The parent must convince himself that punishment is not something he does to the child, it is something he does for the child. His attitude towards his disobedient youngster should be, "I love you too much to let you behave like that." For the small child, an illustration like the following can carry the message most clearly:
"I knew of a little bird who was in his nest with his mum. The mummy bird went off to find some worms to eat, & she told the little bird not to get out of the nest while she was gone. But the little bird didn't obey her, of the nest & fell to the ground where a big cat got him. When I tell you to obey me, it is because I know what is best for you, just as them mother bird did with the little bird. When I tell you to stay in the front yard, it's because I don't want you to run in the street & get hit by a car. I love you & I don't want anything to happen to you. If you don't obey me, I'll have to spank you to help you remember how important it is. Do you understand?"
Respect is unsuccessful as a one-sided affair; it must operate on a two-way street. A mother cannot require her child to treat her with dignity if she will not do the same for him. She should be gentle with his ego, never belittling him or embarrassing him in front of his friends. Self-esteem is the most fragile attribute in human nature; it can be damaged by a very minor incident & its reconstruction is often difficult to engineer.
A mother can expect her child to challenge her authority regularly from the time he is about 15 months of age, if not earlier. The toddler is the World's most hard-nosed opponent of law & order, & he can make life miserable for his harassed mum. In his own innocent way, he is vicious & selfish & demanding & cunning & destructive. Comedian Bill Cosby must have had some personal experiences with a toddler; he is quoted as saying, "Give me 200 active two-year-olds & I can conquer the World."
It is important to understand that adolescence is a condensation or composite of all the training & behaviour that has gone before. Any unsettled matter in the first 12 years is likely to fester & erupt during adolescence. So the proper time to begin disarming the teenage time-bomb is 12 years before it arrives.
The most successful parents are those who have the skill to get behind the eyes of the child, seeing what he sees, thinking what he thinks, feeling what he feels. Unless they can master this ability, they will continually react in a harmful manner. For example, when a two-year-old screams & cries at bedtime, one must ascertain what he is communicating. If he is genuinely frightened by the blackness of the room, the appropriate response should be quite different than if he is merely protesting about having to go nighty-night. The art of good parenthood revolves around the interpretation of meaning behind behaviour.
2. The best opportunity to communicate often occurs after punishment.
Nothing brings a parent & child closer together than for the mother or father to win decisively after being defiantly challenged. This is particularly true if the child was "asking for it", knowing full well that he deserved what he got. The parent's demonstration of his authority builds respect like no other process, & the child will often reveal his affection when the emotion has passed. Parental warmth after punishment is essential to demonstrate to the child that it was his behaviour, & not the child himself, that the parent rejected.
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Encouragement coming after censure is the sun after a shower.
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3. Control without nagging (It is possible!)
Yelling & nagging at children can become a habit, & an ineffectual one at that! Have you ever screamed at your child, "This is the last time I'm going to tell you, `this is the last time'?" Parents often use anger to get action, instead of using action to get action. It doesn't work. Let me give you an example.
Mum vs. Henry. Eight-year-old Henry is sitting on the floor, playing with his games. Mum looks at her watch & says, "Henry, it's nearly 9 o'clock (a 30-minute exaggeration) so gather up your junk & go & have your bath." Now Henry knows, & Mum knows, that she doesn't mean for him to go & have a bath. She merely meant him to start thinking about going to have his bath. She would have fainted dead away if he had responded to her empty command. Approximately ten minutes later, Mum speaks again, "Now, Henry, it is getting later & you have to go to school tomorrow, & I want those toys picked up; then go & get in that tub!" She still does not intend Henry to obey, & he knows it. Her real message is, "We're getting closer, Hank". Henry shuffles around & stacks a box or two to demonstrate that he heard her. Then he settles down for a few more minutes of play. Six minutes pass, & Mum issues another command, this time with more passion & threat in her voice, "Now listen, young man, I told you to get a move on, & I meant it." To Henry, this means he must get his toys picked up & meander towards the bathroom door. If his mum pursues him with a rapid step, then he must carry out the assignment post-haste. However, if Mum's mind wanders before she performs the last step of this ritual, Henry is free to enjoy a few more seconds of reprieve.
You see, Henry & his mum are involved in a one-act play; they both know the rules & the role being enacted by the opposite player. The entire scene is programmed, computerised & scripted. Whenever Mum wants Henry to do something he dislikes, she progresses through graduated steps of phony anger, beginning with calm & ending with a red flush & a threat. Henry does not have to move until she reaches the peak anger point. How foolish this game is! Since Mum controls him by the use of empty threats, she has to stay mad all the time. Her relationship with her children is contaminated, & she ends each day with a pounding, throbbing headache. She can never count on instant obedience; it takes her at least five minutes to work up a believable degree of anger. How much better it is to use action to get action. There are many other ways to get the child to do something, some involving pain & others involving rewards.
The Futility of Anger. There will be those among my readers who feel that the deliberate, premeditated application of minor pain to a sweet little child is a harsh & unloving recommendation. I ask these skeptics to hear me out. Consider the alternatives. On the one hand, there is constant nagging & strife between parent & child. When the youngster discovers there is no threat behind the millions of words he hears, he stops listening to them. The only messages he responds to are those reaching a peak of emotion, which means there is much screaming & yelling going on. The child is pulling in the opposite direction, fraying Mum's nerves & straining the parent-child relationship. But the most important limitation of these verbal reprimands is that their user often has to resort to physical punishment in the end, anyway. Thus, instead of the discipline being administered in a calm & judicious manner, the parent has become unnerved & frustrated, swinging wildly at the belligerent child.
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Try to fit the punishment to the crime!--Punish the offending member firmly & surely, after fair warning & threats, so they know what's coming if they persist.--And do it consistently without fail so they'll know they've always surely & certainly got t coming if they do the thing you warned them not to.
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One should never underestimate a child's awareness that he is breaking the rules. I think most children are rather analytical about their defiance of adult authority; they consider the deed in advance, weighing its probable consequences. If the odds are too great that justice will triumph, they'll take a safer course. This characteristic is verified in millions of homes where the youngster will push one parent to the limits of his or her tolerance, but will be a sweet angel with the other. Mum whimpers, "Rick obeys his dad perfectly, but he won't pay any attention to me." Good old Rick has observed that mum is safer than dad.
To summarise this point, the parent must recognise that the most successful techniques of control are those which manipulate something important to the child. Minor pain is one of those important variables. Words following words carry little or no motivational power for the child. "Why don't you do right, Jack? You hardly ever do right. What am I going to do with you, son? Mercy me, it seems I'm always having to keep on at you. I just can't see why you won't do what you're told. If for once, just for once, you would act your age, etc."
Jack endures these endless tirades, month in, month out, year after year. Fortunately for him, nature has equipped Jack with a mechanism that allows him to turn it off. A man who lives by a railway line somehow fails to hear the trains going by; likewise, Jack finds it useful to ignore the unmeaningful noise of his environment. Jack (& all his contemporaries) would be much more willing to "do right" if it were clearly to his personal advantage to cooperate.
4. Don't saturate your child with excessive materialism.
It has been said that prosperity offers a greater test of character than does adversity, & I'm inclined to agree. There are few conditions that inhibit a sense of appreciation more than for a child to feel he is entitled to whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. It is enlightening to watch as a spoiled child tears open stacks of presents at his birthday party or perhaps at Christmas time. One after another, the expensive contents are tossed aside with little more than a glance. The child's mother is made uneasy by this lack of enthusiasm & appreciation, so she says, "Oh, Marvin! Look what it is! It's a little tape recorder! What do you say to Grandmother? Give Grandmother a big hug. Did you hear me, Marvin? Go give Grams a big hug & kiss." Marvin may or may not choose to make the proper noises to Grandmother. His lack of exuberance results from the fact that prizes which are won cheaply are of little value, regardless of the cost to the original purchaser.
5. Avoid extremes in control & love.
There is little question about the consequences of disciplinary extremes. On the side of harshness, a child suffers the humiliation of total domination. The atmosphere is icy & rigid, & he lives in constant fear. He is unable to make his own decisions & his personality is squelched beneath the hobnailed boot of parental authority.
It has been known for several decades that an infant who is not loved, touched, & caressed will often die. Evidence of this fact was observed as early as the 13th century, when Frederick II conducted an experiment with 50 infants. He wanted to see what language the children would speak if they never had the opportunity to hear the spoken word. To accomplish the dubious research project, he assigned the foster mothers to bathe & suckle the children, but forbade them to fondle, pet, or talk to their charges. The experiment failed because all 50 infants died! Hundreds of more recent studies indicate that the mother-child relationship during the first year of life is apparently extremely vital to the infant's survival.
The "middle ground" of love & control must be sought if we are to produce healthy, responsible children.
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The long-term goal is to encourage the children to obey out of love & to have the conviction to know what's right & what's wrong & therefore choose to do the right thing.
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SUMMARY
In case I am misunderstood, I shall emphasise my message by stating its opposite. I am not recommending that your home be harsh & oppressive. I am recommending a simple principle: When you are defiantly challenged, win decisively. When the child asks, "Who's in charge?" tell him. When he mutters, "Who loves me?" take him in your arms & surround him with affection. Treat him with respect & dignity, & expect the same from him. Then begin to enjoy the sweet benefits of competent parenthood.
QUESTIONS & ANSWERS: 1. The Purpose of Pain.
Q: I have never spanked my 3-year-old because I am afraid it will teach him to hit others & be a violent person. Do you think I'm wrong?
A: I believe you are, but you've made an important point. It is possible for parents to create hostility & aggressiveness in their children by behaving violently themselves. If they scream & yell, lashing out emotionally & flailing the children for their accidents & mistakes, they serve as models for the children to imitate. That kind of parental violence is worlds apart from the proper disciplinary approach. However, when the child has lowered his head & clenched his fist, he is daring the parent to take him on. If the parent responds appropriately (on the backside) he has taught the child a valuable lesson that is consistent with nature's method of instruction.
Consider the purpose of pain in life. Suppose 2-year-old Peter is pulling on the tablecloth & with it comes a vase of roses which tips over the edge of the table, cracking him between the eyes. Peter is in great pain. From this pain he learns that it is dangerous to pull on the tablecloth. Likewise, he presses his arm against a hot stove & quickly learns that fire must be treated with respect. He pulls the doggie's tail & promptly receives a neat row of teeth marks across the back of his hand. He climbs over the side of his high chair when mum isn't looking & he learns all about gravity. For 3 or 4 years, he accumulates bumps & bruises & scratches & burns, each one teaching him about life's boundaries. Do these experiences make him a violent person? No! The pain associated with these events teaches him to avoid making those same mistakes again. God created this mechanism as a child's best vehicle for instruction. The loving parent can & should make use of the same processes in teaching him about certain kinds of social dangers. Contrary to what it might seem, Peter is more likely to be a violent person if his parents fail to apply this principle, because he learns too late about the painful consequences of acting selfishly, rebelliously, & aggressively.
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Let every father and mother realise that when their child is three years of age, they have done more than half they will ever do for its character.
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QUESTIONS & ANSWERS: 2. The Need for Boundaries.
Q: You mentioned boundaries a moment ago. Does a child really want to have limits set on his behaviour?
A: Most certainly! After working with children for many years, I could not be more convinced of this fact. They derive security from knowing where the boundaries are. Perhaps an illustration will make this more clear. Imagine yourself driving a car over the Royal Gorge in Colorado. The bridge is suspended hundreds of feet above the canyon floor, & as a first-time traveller, you are tense as you drive across. (I knew one little fellow who was so awed by the view over the side of the bridge that he said, "Wow, Daddy, if you fell off of here it'd kill you constantly!")
Now suppose that there were no guard rails on the side of the bridge, where would you steer the car? Right down the middle of the road! Even though you don't plan to hit those protective rails along the side, you feel more secure just knowing they are there. The analogy to children has been demonstrated in practice. During the early days of the "progressive education" movement, one enthusiastic theorist decided to take down the chain-link fence that surrounded the nursery school yard. He thought the children would feel more freedom of movement without that visible barrier surrounding them. When the fence was removed, however, the boys & girls huddled near the center of the play yard. Not only did they not wander away, they didn't even venture to the edge of the grounds.
There is security in defined limits. When the home atmosphere is as it should be, the child lives in utter safety. He never gets in trouble unless he deliberately asks for it, & as long as he stays within the limits, there is mirth & freedom & acceptance.
QUESTIONS & ANSWERS: 3. Does Discipline Fail?
Q: I have spanked my children for their disobedience & it didn't seem to help. Does this approach fail with some children?
A: When disciplinary measures fail, it is usually because of fundamental errors in their application. I have made a study of situations where the parent has told me that the child ignores the spankings he receives, going back to violate the same rule. There are four basic reasons for the lack of success: 1) The most recurring problem results from infrequent, whimsical punishment. Half the time the child is not punished for a particular act of defiance; the other half of the time he is cuffed for it. Children need to know the certainty of justice. 2) The child may be more strong-willed than the parent, & they both know it. If he can outlast a temporary onslaught, he has won a major battle, eliminating punishment as a tool in the parents' repertoire. Even though Mum spanks him, he wins the battle by defying her again. The solution to this situation is obvious: Outlast him & win, even if it takes a repeated measure. The experience will be painful for both participants, but the benefits will come tomorrow & tomorrow & tomorrow. 3) The parent suddenly decides to employ this form of punishment after doing nothing for a year or two prior to that time. It takes a child awhile to respond to a new procedure in this manner, & the parent might get discouraged during the adjustment period. 4) The spanking may be too gentle. If it doesn't hurt, it isn't worth avoiding next time. A slap with the hand on the bottom of a well-padded thirty-month-old is not a deterrent to anything. It isn't necessary to beat a child, but he should be able to feel the message.
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Let thy child's first lesson be obedience, & he will be what thou wilt.--Ben Franklin
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QUESTIONS & ANSWERS: 4. Toddler Discipline.
Q: If it is natural for a toddler to break all the rules, should he be punished for his defiance?
A: Many of the spankings & slaps given to toddlers could & should be avoided. They get into trouble most frequently because of their natural desire to touch, bite, taste, smell, & break everything within their grasp. However, this "reaching out" behaviour is not aggressive.
When should the toddler be subjected to mild punishment? When he openly defies his parents' spoken commands! If he runs the other way when called--if he slams his milk on the floor--if he screams & throws a tantrum at bedtime--if he hits his friends--these are forms of unacceptable behaviour which should be discouraged. Even in these situations, however, all-out spankings are not often required to eliminate the response. A firm swat on his upper leg or a rap on the fingers will convey the same message just as convincingly. Spankings should be reserved for his moments of greater antagonism.
I feel it is important to stress this point: The toddler years are critical to the child's future attitude to authority. He should be patiently taught to obey without being expected to behave like an adult.
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Children need discipline, but it must always be tempered with love & mercy. You always have to weigh their motives.
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QUESTIONS & ANSWERS: 5. Teen Discipline.
Q: Should teenage children be spanked for disobedience or rudeness?
A: Teenagers desperately want to be thought of as adults, & they deeply resent being treated like children. Spanking is the ultimate insult.
REWARDS AS MOTIVATION!--5 Points
There are countless situations where the parent wishes to increase the child's level of responsibility, but that task is not easy. How can a mother get her child to brush his teeth regularly, or pick up his clothes, or display table manners? How can she teach him to be more responsible with money? What can the parent do to eliminate obnoxious habits, such as whining, sloppiness, or apparent laziness? Is there a solution to perpetual tardiness?
The most magnificent theory ever devised for the control of behaviour is called the "Law of Reinforcement", formulated many years ago. It is magnificent because it works! Stated simply, "The Law of Reinforcement" reads: "Behaviour which achieves desirable consequences will recur." In other words, if an individual likes what happens as a result of his behaviour, he will be inclined to repeat that act. If Sally gets favourable attention from the boys on the day she wears a new dress, she will want to wear the dress again & again. If Pancho wins with one tennis racket & loses with another, he will prefer the racket with which he has found success. This principle is disarmingly simple, but it has profound implications for human learning.
Attempts have even been made to teach sophisticated behaviour to animals by the principles of reinforcement, & the results have been remarkable. A pigeon has been taught to examine radio tubes moving by on a conveyor belt. The bird will evaluate each tube & knock the defective ones off the track, for which he receives a pellet of grain. He will sit there all day long, concentrating on his work. As one might imagine, the labour unions take a dim view of this process; the pigeon does not demand coffee breaks or other fringe benefits, & his wages are disgracefully low. Other animals have been made to perform virtually human feats by the careful application of rewards.
Let's consider the elements of this technique in detailed application to children.
1. Rewards must be granted immediately.
If the maximum effectiveness is to be obtained from a reward, it should be offered shortly after the desirable behaviour has occurred. It doesn't work to offer Mary a new doll for Christmas if she'll keep her room straight in July. Most children have neither the mental capacity nor the maturity to hold a long-range goal in mind day after day. Time moves slowly for them; consequently the reinforcement seems impossible to reach & uninteresting to contemplate. For animals, a reward should be offered approximately two seconds after the behaviour has occurred. A mouse will learn the turns in a maze much faster if the cheese is waiting at the end than he will when a five-second delay is imposed. Although children can tolerate longer delays than animals, the power of the reward is weakened with time.
Immediate reinforcement is the most useful technique available to parents in teaching responsibility to their children. Parents often complain about the irresponsibility of their youngsters, yet they fail to realise that this lack of industriousness has been learned. All human behaviour is learned--the desirable & the undesirable responses. Children learn to laugh, play, run & jump; they also learn to whine, bully, pout, fight, throw temper tantrums or be tomboys.
The universal teacher is reinforcement. The child repeats the behaviour which he considers to be successful. A youngster may be cooperative & helpful because he enjoys the effect that behaviour has on his parent; another will sulk & pout for the same reason. When parents recognise characteristics which they dislike in their children, they should set about teaching more admirable traits by allowing good behaviour to succeed & bad behaviour to fail.
2. Rewards need not be material in nature.
Verbal reinforcement can be the strongest motivator of human behaviour. Consider the tremendous impact of the following comments:
"Here comes Phil--the ugliest guy in school."
"Louise is so stupid! She never knows the right answer in class."
"Joe will strike out. He always does."
Those unkind assessments burn like acid into the children they describe, causing them to modify future behaviour. Phil may become quiet, withdrawn, & easily embarrassed. Louise will probably display even less interest in her schoolwork than before, appearing lazy to her teachers. Joe may give up baseball & other athletic endeavours.
We adults are equally sensitive to the idle comments of our peers. It is often humourous to observe how vulnerable we are to the casual remarks of our friends (& even our enemies). "You've gained a few pounds, haven't you, Martha?" Martha may choose to ignore the comment for the moment, but she may spend fifteen minutes before the mirror that evening & start an extensive diet programme the next morning!
Verbal reinforcement should permeate the entire parent-child relationship. Too often our parental instruction consists of millions of "don'ts" which are jammed down the child's throat. We should spend more time rewarding him for the behaviour we do admire, even if our "reward" is nothing more than a sincere compliment. Remembering the child's need for self-esteem & acceptance, the wise parent can satisfy those important longings while using them to teach valued concepts & behaviour. A few examples may be helpful:
Mother to husband in son's presence: "Jack, did you notice how Don put his bicycle in the garage tonight? He used to leave it out until we told him to put it away; he is becoming much more responsible, don't you think?"
Father to son: "I appreciate your being quiet while I was working on my report tonight, son. You were very thoughtful. Now that I have that job done, I'll have more time. Why don't we plan a special outing next Saturday?"
Specific behaviour warranting genuine compliments can be found if it is sought, even in the most mischievous youngster.
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Children thrive on praise! It's more important to praise a child for his good works & his good behaviour than it is to scold him for his bad behaviour. Always accentuate the positive!
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3. Any behaviour which is learned through reinforcement can be eliminated if the reward is withheld long enough.
It is an absolute fact that unreinforced behaviour will eventually disappear. This process, called extinction by psychologists, can be very useful to parents & teachers who want to alter the characteristics of children.
Let's apply this principle to a common childhood problem: Why does a child whine instead of speaking in a normal voice? Because the parent has reinforced whining! As long as 3-year-old Karen is speaking in her usual voice, her mum is too busy to listen to her. Karen babbles all day long, anyway, so her mother tunes out most of her verbiage. But when Karen speaks in a grating, irritating, obnoxious tone, her mum turns to see what is wrong. Karen's whining brings results; her normal voice does not: she becomes a whiner.
In order to extinguish the whining, one must merely reverse the reinforcement. Mum should begin by saying, "I can't hear you because you're whining, Karen. I have funny ears; they just can't hear whining." After this message has been passed along for a day or two, Mum should show no indication of having heard a moan-tone. She should then offer immediate attention to a request made in a normal voice. If this control of reinforcement is applied properly, I guarantee it to achieve the desired results. All learning is based on this principle, & the consequences are certain & definite. Of course, Grandma & Uncle Albert may continue to reinforce the behaviour you are trying to extinguish, & they can keep it alive!
A parent or teacher should not become discouraged if an extinguished behaviour continues to reappear. The complete process of eliminating a response may require a considerable period of time.
4. Parents & teachers are also vulnerable to reinforcement.
I know of a graduate school psychology class which was studying the principles of reinforcement, & the students decided to conduct an experiment involving their professor. Their instructor used two approaches to teaching: He would usually lecture from his notes, which proved to be a dry, dismal experience for the students. However, he was much more interesting when they could get him to talk extemporaneously, answering their questions & speaking from his wealth of knowledge. The students agreed before class one day to reward his free conversation & extinguish his formal lecturing behaviour. Whenever he talked from his notes, they shuffled their feet, looked out of the window, yawned & whispered to each other. On the other hand, they reflected maximum fascination with his unstructured lessons. The professor responded with more informal classes--although he did not know he was being manipulated until, near the end of the term, he changed his mode of instruction completely in favour of the informal approach.
5. Parents often reinforce undesirable behaviour & weaken the behaviour they value.
It is remarkably easy to reward undesirable behaviour in children by allowing it to succeed. Suppose, for example, that Mr. & Mrs Weakknee are having guests for dinner tonight, & they put 3-year-old Ricky to bed at 7 p.m. They know Ricky will cry, as he always does, but what else can they do? Indeed, Ricky cries. He begins at a low pitch (which does not succeed) & gradually builds to a high intensity scream. Finally, Mrs. Weakknee becomes so embarrassed by the display that she lets Ricky get up. What has the child learned? That he must cry loudly if he wants to get up. Mr. & Mrs. Weakknee had better be prepared for a tearful battle scene tomorrow night too, because the method was successful to Ricky the night before.
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Inconsistent discipline is the worst kind of discipline! It's no discipline at all. You have to be consistent. Be frank, be fair, be honest, be loving, but be firm and then be consistent.
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QUESTIONS & ANSWERS: 1. Motivating Lazy Teens.
Q: Can you describe in detail a similar technique for motivating a lazy teenager?
A: The principles of reinforcement are particularly useful with teenagers, because rewards appeal to youngsters during this typically self-centered time of life. However, laziness is an unavoidable fact of life with many adolescents. Their lack of industriousness & general apathy have a physiological origin; energy is being redirected into rapid growth. Also, glandular changes require a physical readjustment. For several years they may want to sleep until noon & drag themselves around the rest of the day. If any system will succeed in charging their sluggish batteries, it will probably involve a reward of some variety.
QUESTIONS & ANSWERS: 2. The Parable of the Talents.
Q: Can rewards be employed in a church or Sunday school programme?
A: I have seen reinforcement utilised with great effectiveness in a Christian Sunday school. Instead of earning money, the children are able to accumulate "talents", which resemble toy money of various denominations. (The concept of the talents was taken from Jesus' parable of the talents in the New Testament.) The child earned talents by learning memory verses from Scripture, being punctual to class, having perfect attendance, bringing a visitor, & so on. This system of currency was then used to "purchase" new items from those on display in a glass case. Bibles, fountain pens, books, puzzles, & other religious or educational prizes were available for selection. The children's division blossomed in the church where the system was employed!
QUESTIONS & ANSWERS: 3. Methods to Motivate!
Q: I am a teacher in a secondary school, & there are five separate classes that come to my room to be taught science each day. My biggest problem is getting these students to bring books, paper & pencils to class with them. I can lend them the equipment they need, but I never get it back. What do you suggest?
A: I faced an identical problem the year I taught in secondary school. My students were not malicious; they just had too many other things on their minds to remember to bring their school materials. I tried various techniques for motivation on this issue, but without success. I appealed to the students for assistance with this problem but I couldn't stir up an ounce of enthusiasm. I went through an emotional tirade, but that seemed like a great waste of energy on such a small issue. There had to be a better way!
I finally reached a solution which is based on the certainty that young people will cooperate if it is to their advantage to do so. I announced one morning that I was no longer concerned about whether they brought their pencils & books to class. I had 20 extra books & several boxes of sharpened pencils which they could borrow. If they forgot to bring these materials, all they had to do was ask for a loan. I would not gnash my teeth or get red in the face; they would find me very willing to share my resources. However, there was to be one hitch: The borrowing student would have to forfeit his seat for that one-hour class. He would have to stand by his chair while I was teaching, & if any written work was required, he had to lean over his desk from a standing position.
As might be imagined the students were less than ecstatic about this prospect. I smiled to myself as I saw them racing around before class, trying to borrow a book or a pencil. I did not have to enforce the standing rule very often because the issue had become the pupils' campaign rather than mine. Once a week or so, a student would have to spend the hour in a vertical position, but that youngster made certain he did not blunder into the same situation twice.
I will repeat this valuable formula for controlling children: Give them maximum reason to comply with your wishes. Your anger is the least effective motivation I can imagine.
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With children, you need to make it very clear what the rules are, and one of the best things you can do is to get them to agree to the rules.
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DISCIPLINE IN THE CLASSROOM
The degree of student control exercised by school authorities has never been so minimal as it is today in America. Adherence to a standard is an important element of discipline. It is a great mistake to require nothing of children--to place no demands of their behaviour.
If one examines the secret behind a championship football team, a magnificent orchestra, or a successful business, the principal ingredient is invariably discipline. How unfortunate has been the systematic undermining of educational rules, engineered by a minority of parents through the legal assistance of the American Civil Liberties Union & the tired old judges to whom they have appealed. Despite the will of the majority, the anti-disciplinarians have had their way. The rules governing student conduct have been cut down, & in their place have come a million restrictions on educators. School prayers are illegal even if addressed to an unidentified God. The Bible can be read only as uninspired literature. Allegiance to the flag of our country cannot be required. Educators find it very difficult to punish or expel a student. Teachers are so conscious of parental militancy that they often withdraw from the defiant challenges of their students. As a result, academic discipline lies at the point of death in the nation's schools.
MISS PEACH & MRS. JUSTICE
I taught for several years before completing my graduate training, & learned more about how children think from that daily exposure than could ever have been assimilated from a textbook. It was also educational to observe the disciplinary techniques utilised by other teachers. Some of them exercised perfect classroom control with little effort, while others faced the perpetual humiliation of student defiance. I observed that there was a fundamental difference in the way they approached their classes. The unskilled & inexperienced teacher would stand in front of the boys & girls & immediately seek their affection. Although most good teachers want to be liked by their classes, some are very dependent on the acceptance of the children.
On the first day of school in September, the new teacher, Miss Peach, gives the class a little talk which conveys this message: "I'm so glad we had a chance to get together. This is going to be such a fun year for you; we're going to make soap, & soup, & we're going to paint a mural that will cover that entire wall. We'll take field trips & play games...this is going to be a great year. You're going to love me & I'm going to love you, & we'll have a whale of a time." Her curriculum is saturated with fun, fun, fun activities, which are her tokens of affection to the class.
All goes well the first day of school, because the students are a little intimidated by the start of a new academic year. But about 3 days later, little Butch is sitting over at the left, & he wants to know what everyone else is questioning, too: How far can we push Miss Peach? He is anxious to make a name for himself as a brave toughie, & he might be able to build his reputation at Miss Peach's expense. At a well-calculated moment, he challenges her with a small act of defiance. Now the last thing Miss Peach wants is conflict, because she had hoped to avoid that sort of thing this year. She does not accept Butch's challenge; she pretends not to notice that he didn't do what she told him to do. He wins this first minor issue. Everyone in class saw what happened; it wasn't a big deal, but Butch survived unscathed.
The next day, Matthew has been greatly encouraged by Butch's success. Shortly after the morning flag salute, he defies her a little more openly than Butch did, & Miss Peach again ignores the challenge. From that moment on, chaos begins to grow & intensify. Two weeks later Miss Peach is beginning to notice that things are not going very well. She's doing a lot of screaming each day & she doesn't know how it started; she certainly didn't intend to be a violent teacher. By February, life has become intolerable in her classroom; every new project she initiates is sabotaged by her lack of control. And then the thing she wanted least begins to happen: The students openly reveal their hatred & contempt for her. They call her names; they laugh at her weaknesses. If she has a physical flaw, such as a large nose or poor eyesight, they point this out to her regularly. Miss Peach cries quietly at recess time, & her head throbs & pounds late into the night. The principal comes in & witnesses the anarchy, & he says, "Miss Peach, you must get control of this class!" But Miss Peach doesn't know how to get control because she doesn't know how she lost it.
It has been estimated that 80% of the teachers who give up their jobs after the first year do so because of an inability to maintain discipline in their classroom.
Consider the contrasting approach of the skilful teacher, Mrs. Justice. She wants the love of the class too, but she is more keenly aware of her responsibility to the students. On the first day of school she delivers her inaugural address, but it is very different from the one being spoken by Miss Peach. She says, in effect, "This is going to be a good year, & I'm glad you are my students. I want you to know that each one of you is important to me. I hope you will feel free to ask your questions, & enjoy learning in this class: I will not allow anyone to laugh at you, because it hurts to be laughed at. I will never embarrass you intentionally, & I want to be your friend. But there's one thing you should know: If you choose to challenge me, I have one thousand ways to make you miserable. If you don't believe me, you just let me know & we'll start with number one.
"Your parents have given me the responsibility of teaching you some very important things this year, & I have to get you ready for the knowledge you will learn next year. That's why I can't let one or two show-offs keep me from doing my job. We have a lot to learn, so I think we'd better get started. Please get out your math books & turn to page four."
About 3 days later, Butch's counterpart is on the job (there's at least one Butch in every classroom; if the classroom antagonist leaves during the year, a new demagogue will emerge). He challenges Mrs. Justice in a cautious manner, & she socks it to him. He loses big! Everyone in the class gets the message: It doesn't pay to attack Mrs. J. Wow! This poor Butch didn't do so well, did he? The class knows she's tougher, wiser, & braver than they are. Then she can begin to enjoy the pleasure of this foundation. She can loosen her control; the class can laugh together, talk together & play together. But when Mrs. Justice says, "It is time to get back to work", they do it because they know she is capable of enforcing her suggestion. She does not scream. She does not hit. In fact, she can pour out the individual affection that most children need so badly. The class responds with deep love & she will never be forgotten in those 32 lives.
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Be sure your first admonition is loving, gentle & prayerful & with good reason, a cheerful warning as to why. But if they persist, sock it to'm!--But never with such harsh or severe force as to actually injure, only hurt. Do it in love as the Lord does.--Heb.12.--And if you really love them, & they know it & love you, they'll eventually keep your commandments!--Jn.14:15.--And everybody will be happier in the end!
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QUESTIONS & ANSWERS: 1. Crime Shouldn't Pay.
Q: I have observed that primary & junior school students--even secondary school students---tend to admire the more strict teachers. Why is this true?
A: Yes, the teachers who maintain order are often the most respected members of the faculties, provided they aren't mean & grouchy. A teacher who can control a class without being oppressive is almost always loved by her students. One reason is that there is safety in order. When a class is out of control, particularly at the primary school level, the children are afraid of each other. If the teacher can't make the class behave, how can she prevent a bully from doing his thing? How can she keep the students from laughing at one of its less able members? Children are not always very fair & understanding with each other, & they feel good about having a strong teacher who is.
Secondly, children love justice. When someone has violated a rule, they want immediate retribution. They admire the teacher who can enforce an equitable legal system, & they find great comfort in reasonable social rules. By contrast, the teacher who does not control her class inevitably allows crime to pay, violating something basic in the value system of children.
Thirdly, children admire strict teachers because chaos is nerve-wracking. Screaming & hitting & wiggling are fun for about 10 minutes; then the confusion begins to get tiresome & irritating.
I have smiled in amusement many times as second & third grade children astutely evaluated the relative disciplinary skills of their teachers. They know how a class should be conducted. I only wish their teachers were equally aware of this important attribute.
THE SLOW LEARNER
We Become What Others Expect Us To. Remember that success breeds success. The best motivation for a slow learner is to know that he is succeeding. If the adults in his life show confidence in him, he will be more likely to have confidence in himself. In fact, most humans share this same characteristic. We tend to act the way we think other people "see" us. This reality was made clear to me when I joined the National Guard. I had recently graduated from college & chose to enlist for an extended period of reserve military experience rather than to serve two years of active duty. I was immediately packed up & put on a bus for Fort Ord, California, to undergo a six-month clerical training programme. Contrary to the recruiting posters, this exciting new career opportunity was not a matter of personal choice; it was selected for me. Nevertheless, the next six months were spent learning the fascinating world of military forms, typing, & filing. One hundred & eighty-three days later I returned to the local National Guard unit with the newly acquired knowledge available for usage. Surprisingly, I was not welcomed back with any overwhelming degree of enthusiasm.
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Some years ago, in a St. Louis murder trial, a young criminal said: "My father always said I was no good. Mother said I'd never amount to anything. The school teachers told me I was of no account. Even my own home town never expected me to be anything but a criminal. I always wondered why, for, as far as I could see, I was just like other boys, only a bit more independent. The only creature that ever really seemed to understand or believe in me was my dog. When he died, I became a bum!"
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Everyone knows that privates are stupid. All privates are stupid. I was a private, so it stood to reason that there was thickness between my ears. With the exception of a few other stupid privates, I was out-ranked by the whole world. Everybody from the privates-first-class to the Colonel anticipated ignorant behaviour from me, & to my amazement, their expectation proved accurate. The first assignment given following six months of clerical training was to type a simple letter in two copies. After investing 25 minutes of concentrated effort at the typewriter, I realised that the carbon paper was inserted upside down. Reverse lettering was smudged all over the back of the main copy, which did not exactly overwhelm the First Sergeant with gratitude. Similar complex procedures, like marching "in step" were strangely difficult to perform. From today's perspective, it is clear that my performance was consistent with my image. Likewise, many children who fail in school are merely doing what they think others expect of them. Our reputation with our peers is a very influential force in our lives.
THE UNDERACHIEVER
Self-Discipline. The underachiever is a student who is unsuccessful in school despite his ability to do the work. He may have an IQ of 120 or better, yet earn Ds & Fs on his report card. If possible, the underachieving children are even more numerous & less understood than the slow learners or late bloomers. The confusion is related to the fact that two specific ingredients are necessary to produce academic excellence, yet the second is often overlooked. First, intellectual ability must be there. But mental capacity is insufficient by itself. Self-discipline is also required. An able child may or may not have the self-control necessary to bear down day after day on something he considers painful & difficult. Intelligence & self-discipline are frequently not correlated. We often see a child having one without the other. Occasionally, an untalented child will struggle to achieve above his expected level; this phenomenon is termed overachievement. The opposite combination is much more common: The child with considerable intellectual potential insists upon wasting it.
A MOMENT FOR MUM!--4 Points
The responsibilities of effective parenthood are staggeringly heavy at times. It is not uncommon for a mother, particularly, to feel overwhelmed by the complexity of her parental assignment. For each child she raises, she is the primary protector of his health, education, intellect, personality, character, & emotional stability. She must serve as physician, nurse, psychologist, teacher, minister, cook, & policeman. There must be occasions in the life of every mother when she looks in the mirror & asks, "How can I make it through this day?" The following simple suggestions are designed to help her answer that exasperated question.
1. Reserve some time for yourself. It is important for a mother to put herself on the priority list, too. It is unhealthy for anyone to work all the time, & the entire family will profit from her periodic recreation. Even more important is the protection & maintenance of romance in her marriage. A husband & wife should have a date every week or two. A woman finds life much more enjoyable if she knows she is the sweetheart, & not just the wife, of her husband!
2. Don't deal with any big problems late at night. Fatigue does strange things to human perception. After a hard day of work, the most simple tasks may appear insurmountable. All problems seem more unsolvable at night, & the decisions that are reached then may be more emotional than rational. When husbands & wives discuss finances or other family problems in the wee small hours, they are asking for trouble. Their tolerance to frustration is low, often leading to fights which should never have occurred. Tension & hostility can be avoided by simply delaying important topics until morning. A good night's sleep can go a long way towards defusing the problem.
3. Try making a list. When the work load gets particularly heavy, there is comfort to be found in making a list of the duties to be performed.
4. Seek divine assistance. The concepts of marriage & parenthood were not human inventions. God, in His infinite wisdom, created & ordained the family as the basic unit of procreation & companionship. The solutions to the problems of modern parenthood can be found through the power of prayer & personal appeal to the Great Creator! God bless you as you seek His face & "dare to discipline!"