THE KEY TO YOUR CHILD'S HEART!--By Gary Smalley
We're an average family with very typical conflicts. But we have tried to find solutions to those conflicts that can be applied to almost every family. We will recount what has & has not worked in our home & we will share with you the main factors that have drawn us into close relationship.
How to Overcome the Major Destroyer of Families
One evening, while I was in my bedroom on a long-distance phone call, my son Greg, five years old at the time, let out a bloodcurdling scream from the bathroom. He came running to the door, screaming so loudly that I couldn't hear the other person's voice. I could feel my blood pressure rise as I signaled for him to be quiet. I dramatically patted my bottom to let him know what was coming if he didn't shut up immediately. But Greg continued to scream, so I quickly ended my phone conversation, telling the person I'd get back to him later.
When I hung up the phone, I grabbed Greg by the arm & shook him. "Why are you screaming?" I demanded. "Couldn't you see I was on the phone?"
Without waiting for an answer, I shoved him into the hall & said, "You get into your bedroom right now." He fell when I pushed him, but got back up, still crying, & hurried into his room. I grabbed the paddle we used for spanking & told him to lie down on his bed. Then I gave him several hard swats. Satisfied with my discipline, I stood back & thought, "That's what you get for violating my rule." You see, no one was supposed to scream while I was on the phone--I wouldn't want people to think my family was out of control.
It was our custom after a spanking to hold the child & reaffirm our love for him. But this time, something took place that scared me. Greg was still crying. He stood up & the look in his eyes said, "I hate you." He backed away from me to let me know that he didn't want me to touch him. I suddenly realised what I had done, & I knew that if I didn't take immediate action, there might be serious consequences in our relationship. Fortunately, someone had taught me what to do, & within a few moments, we were hugging each other on his bed, back in full fellowship & harmony.
A Closed Spirit: The single most prevalent cause of disharmony within a home is what I have labelled a closed spirit.
To help us understand how the spirit, soul & body operate together, let's look at an example from nature. When I was a child, I enjoyed observing sea urchins on the California coast. They were often found in tidal pools among the rocks. About four or five inches in diameter, they look like colorful flowers with soft, wavy tentacles. But I noticed an interesting phenomenon. Sometimes I'd take a stick & poke one of them. Immediately the sea urchin would withdraw its sensitive tentacles & close up until it became a shell. It was similar to a beautiful flower closing. Now it was protected from further injury.
What happens with the sea urchin illustrates what happens to a person when he is offended. The tentacles of that sea urchin are similar to the spirit of a person. The sea urchin is completely open & vulnerable. But when the stick pokes him, he closes up. In a similar way, when a person is offended, he closes up.
This is what I saw happening to Greg. When I pushed him in the hallway & screamed at him in harshness, I had poked his spirit. The greater the harshness, the greater the pain a person feels in his spirit. My harshness, pushing, & spanking without finding out the facts were three large poking sticks. Like the sea urchin, Greg closed his spirit to me with each jab. And when he closed his spirit, he closed everything else. He didn't like me. He didn't want to be near me. He didn't want to talk to me. And he resisted my attempts to touch him. These were the keys that told me that his spirit was closing.
Manifestations of a Closed Spirit: When a child's spirit is closing there are many possible manifestations. He may argue & resist when you ask him to do something. He may be contrary, refusing to like anything you like! He may withdraw, & usually he is not very responsive to affection.
If his spirit is closed further, he may seek friends who are opposite from the kinds of friends you want him to have. He may swear or use disrespectful language. A closed spirit is a major cause for the misuse of drugs & alcohol.
At the very worst, a child whose spirit has been completely closed may run away from home or commit suicide. All of these are symptoms of a closed spirit. If we can recognise it, & help to reopen the spirit, we will often take care of the symptoms in the process.
This principle is the key to most relationships. When a man can't stand his boss, it's primarily because his spirit was "stepped on" or "poked".
It happens all the time in marriage. For years I did many little things to close my wife Norma's spirit. I didn't realise that my jokes, kidding, sarcastic comments, & insensitive actions were closing her spirit a little more each time. After several years of marriage, Norma had closed much of her spirit to me. But I didn't know it. I only saw the outward results like the times when I'd come home from work & she wouldn't greet me. I'd say, "Hi, Hon, I'm home," & there'd be no response. I'd ask, "Is there anything wrong," & she'd say, "No." Gradually I began to learn that "No" really meant "Yes."
During my seminars, to demonstrate how sensitive the spirit is, I often ask a man to come forward, close his eyes, & hold out his hand. First I put a large rock in his hand & ask him to identify the object. He usually correctly identifies it as a rock. Then I replace the rock with a pebble. Usually he can't identify it without feeling it for awhile. Most men, when they say something offensive to their wives, think they are only dropping a small pebble on her spirit. But she feels it like a large rock, which can close her spirit.
The same thing can happen in all relationships, especially between parents & their children. If a parent is harsh with a daughter, so that she is offended, she will begin closing her spirit. But she still needs to be touched, & since she won't accept touching from Mommy or Dad, she looks elsewhere.
Young men can easily pick up her need for affection & take advantage of her. Some fathers won't hug their sons because they think it's not manly. It has been determined that this lack of affection may cause boys to find affection in ways that can even lead to a homosexual relationship. Dr. Ross Campbell, a psychiatrist who specialises in working with children, has discovered that in all his reading & experience, he has never known of one sexually disoriented person who had a warm, loving & affectionate father.
If a parent is cold & offensive, a son can close his spirit, & many times adopt rebellious, antisocial behaviour.
Fortunately, a child's spirit is somewhat pliable for the first several years. When children are offended, they are willing & ready to get back into harmony.
In the average home, it is impossible to keep from offending each other. Something seems to happen almost every day that will cause someone to be offended. Yet, it is possible to stay in harmony as long as we resolve each offense. One offense on top of another, on top of another, can build a wall cementing the spirit shut. It is still possible to reopen a child's spirit even in the worst situations.
Reopening a Child's Spirit: Once I had realised that Greg's spirit was closing toward me, I dropped to my knees & my attitude became soft & tender. Gently, I asked him, "Greg, why were you screaming in the bathroom?" with his voice trembling as he fought back the tears, he managed to say, "I fell & hit my ear on the bathtub." He showed me his ear which was swollen & bleeding. When I saw what happened, I felt terrible. I gently said to him, "Greg, I was so wrong to have treated you this way. Daddy's the one who deserved the spanking." Greg wiped his tears & added, "Then when you pushed me in the hall, I hit my same ear on the toy box."
By this time, I felt like a child abuser. I was an irresponsible father & I recognised it. "Greg, Daddy was wrong." I handed him the spanking stick. "I'm the one who deserves to be spanked. I'm the one who needs it." He grabbed the stick & dropped it. He backed up again, still not wanting any part of me. I wanted to reach out & touch him, but his spirit was still closed toward me.
Finally, I said, again tenderly, "Greg, I was wrong. I know I don't deserve it, but I wonder if it would be possible for you to find it in your heart to forgive me." Immediately he threw his arms around me. We fell back against the bed & he laid on my chest for about a half hour as we held each other tightly. After some time, I looked at his ear again & asked, "Are you sure we're okay now?" "Yes, Daddy, I forgive you," he said, patting me on my back. "We all make mistakes." From the tone of his voice & the way he touched me, I knew his spirit was opening again. Let's examine the five ways to open a person's closed spirit.
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A careless word may kindle strife,
A cruel word may wreck a life,
A bitter word may hate instill;
A brutal word may smite & kill.
A gracious word may smooth the way;
A joyous word may light the day.
A timely word may lessen stress;
A loving word may heal & bless.
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Five Steps To Reopen a Child's Spirit:
1. Become Tender-Hearted: Gentleness has a way of melting anger. Our body language, our muscles, our facial expressions & our tone of voice, must become soft, gentle, tender, & caring. By doing this, we are communicating several things to the person whom we have offended:
We're saying:
(a) He is valuable & important. We express his importance in nonverbal ways. We are slow to move toward him. Our heads may be bowed down, & we are obviously grieved that we have hurt him.
(b) We do not want to see his spirit closed; we care about him.
(c) We know there is something wrong. We acknowledge by our softness that an offense has taken place & we are going to slow down long enough to correct whatever has happened.
(d) We are open to listen. It is safe for him to share what has happened & we are not going to get angry or hurt him again.
2. Increase Understanding: When I asked Greg why he was crying & he said it was because he had fallen against the bathtub, my understanding of his pain immediately increased. I already was soft but my spirit became even softer because I had deeper understanding & could feel his hurt feelings. I probably would have screamed, too, no matter what the rule was, if I had fallen against the bathtub.
One of the best ways to increase understanding of a child's hurt is through emotional word pictures. They help us feel the child's pain in such a vivid way that some conflicts are resolved in seconds.
One boy, whose father constantly criticised him, told his dad, "I sometimes feel like a bird in a nest. You fly in, & I should feel so encouraged to see you, because you are going to have some food or encouragement for me, but instead you jerk off one of the branches or little fibers that holds the nest together & fly away. I begin to think, "Wait a minute. He's tearing this nest apart & I'm not ready to fly yet." I have such an insecure feeling when I see you coming because you're always picking on me, tearing me down, & it's just like pulling those little pieces of string out of that nest." When the boy's father heard this word picture, he felt his son's hurt & insecurity. This one emotional word picture helped his father greatly reduce his criticism of his son.
If my daughter tells me she is feeling really blue, I might ask if it is a dark blue or a light blue, & if there are any cheerful spots in the color.
We can also help our children express their feelings by relating to previous experiences. "Remember how you felt in school when you got that F, when you really studied hard for an A? Then your classmates made fun of you, & remember how you were embarrassed? Is that sort of how you felt today when I corrected you in front of your friends?"
If a child refuses to talk, it may take a "cooling off" period. Give a child time to understand his own emotional pain.
3. Recognise the Offense: The third step in opening a person's spirit is admitting that we were wrong. It could even be that what we did was not wrong, but how we did it--our attitude was wrong. For example, I could spank my child for the right reason, but if I spank him in harsh anger, I need to admit my wrong attitude.
Children tend to be more aware of their own needs & wants & less concerned about the welfare of others. This self-awareness or self-centeredness increases the possibility of their being offended. As they grow in maturity, they find that people don't offend them as much, because they have become more understanding of people.
We must know what our child's level of maturity is. If we offend our child because he is immature, we can say, "I was wrong to treat you this way." We don't add, "You are only hurt because you are so immature." That would only offend them all the more.
As a child hears his parents admit it when they are offensive & sees that they understand how he feels, he gains a feeling of importance. Sometimes this is all it takes to open a child's spirit.
4. Attempt to Touch: The fourth factor is attempting to touch the offended person. If he reaches out & responds to our touching, then we know his spirit is opening. Touching allows us to find out if the child's spirit is not opening. Perhaps the offense was deeper than we realised, he may have been offended by someone outside the family.
The lack of touching doesn't always mean that we have closed our child's spirit. Children go through stages where they may avoid touching, for example during puberty.
There may be another reason why our child resists our touch. One summer our family went fishing in the Colorado mountains. I offended Kari by being harsh. She had hurt her knee & I was trying to force her quickly up the bank so I could get back to my fishing. About halfway up the bank, I realised that I had hurt her spirit, & that she was far more important than my fishing. So I stopped, took her in my arms & told her I knew I had offended her & that I was wrong. She wiggled out of my grasp & asked, "Dad, did you use any deodorant today?"
5. Seek Forgiveness From the One Offended: The final step to open someone's spirit is to seek forgiveness from the one offended. I knew I had reopened Greg's spirit, for when I asked for his forgiveness, he rushed into my arms. True restoration is confession of wrong plus forgiveness granted.
Reasons Why One Might Refuse to Forgive: Perhaps the offense was deeper than we realised. Maybe we rushed things or perhaps the child might also want to see a real change in the parent's behaviour first.
Whatever the reason, I have discovered that the best thing to do is start all over again.
One mistake many parents make is dropping the issue altogether. "Well, if he won't forgive me, that's his problem. I did my part." With that attitude, the problem may never be resolved. It's better to back off for awhile, allow a few minutes or even hours for things to cool down, then come back & repeat these five steps.
If we carefully watch nonverbal expressions, we can add to our understanding of what's going on inside a child.
Observing Voice Tone & Facial Expressions to Recognise a Closed Spirit: Surface words like, "I hate you, I'll never live with you again, I'll always hate you," are reflections of a closed spirit.
A child may say to his parents, "I hate you. I can't handle any more of this. I'm through with this family. I've had it up to here & I don't want to talk about it." When people spew forth such words, I find they really are saying that they want to talk about it. Listen to how they say it, with what intensity. Learn to watch their facial expressions & listen to their tone of voice instead of limiting our understanding to the words they use.
The more violent & hostile the resistance, the tighter the spirit has been closed. Hostility may settle into apathy or indifference, indicating "my spirit is cemented closed, don't try to reopen it."
The best way that I know to deal with such surface words is to become soft & understanding & admit we are wrong. Then persevere until we can touch & seek forgiveness. That is what they really want. But it may take time.
Offenses which happened many years ago can still be resolved in much the same way. If a parent really wants to make sure that a child's spirit is totally open toward him, it is sometimes appropriate to go back into the past & bring up these old offenses, as long as the offenses are resolved once they are brought up.
How a Child or an Adult Can Reopen His Own Spirit: Corrie ten Boom, who helped many Jews escape the German torture camps in World War II, told me a story that illustrates forgiveness. Sometime after she had been released from a concentration camp, she spoke at a church in Germany. As the crowd filed out after the service, she saw a man working his way forward. With horror, she recognised him. He had been a guard--one of the most cruel--in the concentration camp where she & her sister had been interned. He had actually been instrumental in causing the death of her sister, Betsi. She was almost nauseated by him. Her spirit had already been closed toward him years before. He reached out his hand & said, "Corrie ten Boom, I have become a Christian & I know God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did. But I've come to ask if you would forgive me." Corrie said her arms were frozen to her side. She couldn't move.
She told me it was the most difficult thing she'd ever done, but she did reach out & accept his hand & tell him that she did forgive him. At that moment, it was like the venom & hatred flowed out of her. "It was God's love flowing through me to him," she told me. "I really did release him from what he had done to me. And as I did, I was set free!"
As parents we can help teach our children that principle. First, a child can begin to recognise that the person who has offended him has problems of his own. Second, we can make a commitment to pray for someone who has offended us. The biggest problem is that people take offenses far too personally.
How Open Is Your Child's Spirit?:
Test yourself with each of your children to see how open their spirits are. This is a simple, general evaluation that can help a parent detect whether or not a child's spirit is closing. Score each question from one to five.
1 = never;
2 = seldom;
3 = sometimes;
4 = usually;
5 = always.
1. Does my child (age 2 & above) enjoy touching me?_______
2. Does my child spontaneously touch me when I first see him after school or at home? ______
3. Does my child respect what I respect in life?_______
4. Does my child generally appreciate what I value in life--i.e., the Bible, my vocation, etc.?_________
5. Would my child's friends be my choice for him? ________
6. Does my child wear clothing & hairstyles that I approve of? ___________
7. Does my child choose the activities I would choose for him? __________
8. Does my child's music reflect what I approve of? ___________
9. Does my child enjoy having conversations with me? ___________
10. Does my child agree in general with my opinions? ___________
11. Does my child enjoy going places with me? _____________
12. Does my child obey me regularly? ________
13. Does my child generally reflect a warm affection for me? ___________
14. Does my child naturally enjoy looking into my eyes? ___________
Total Score:___________
These scores may indicate:
14-20--Danger, resolve immediately.
21-30--Warning, proceed with caution.
31-40--Watch out for falling rocks.
41-50--Things may be bumping along, but O.K.
51-70--End of Construction. Drive carefully.
84 Ways We Can Offend Our Children:
As you seek to discover how you might have offended your child, you may need some help coming up with possibilities. In my counseling & work with children around the country, I have asked many of them how their parents have offended them. I took their answers & compiled them. Here are their actual responses:
1. Lacking interest in things that are special to me.
2. Breaking promises.
3. Criticising unjustly.
4. Allowing my brother or sister to put me down.
5. Misunderstanding my motives.
6. Speaking carelessly.
7. Punishing me for something for which I already had been punished.
8. Telling me that my opinions don't really matter.
9. Giving me the feeling that they never make mistakes.
10. Not being gentle when pointing out my weaknesses or blind spots.
11. Lecturing me & not understanding when all I need is some support.
12. Never telling me "I love you." Never showing me physical affection.
13. Not spending time alone with me.
14. Being insensitive, rough, & breaking promises.
15. Being thoughtless.
16. Never telling me "thank you."
17. Not spending time together.
18. Being insensitive to my trials.
19. Speaking harsh words.
20. Being inconsistent.
21. Being taken for granted.
22. Being told how to do something that I was doing on my own.
23. Nagging me.
24. Bossing me.
25. Feeling unnoticed or unappreciated.
26. Being ignored.
27. Not being considered a thinking & feeling person.
28. Being too pushy to care for me & listen to me.
29. Dismissing my needs as unimportant, especially when their work or hobby is more important.
30. Bringing up old mistakes from the past to deal with present problems.
31. Teasing excessively.
32. Not noticing my accomplishments.
33. Making tactless comments.
34. Liking me only for my physical looks or abilities, instead of what's inside me.
35. Not being praised & appreciated.
36. Being built up & then let down.
37. Getting my hopes up to do something as a family & then not following through.
38. Being corrected without being reminded that they love me.
39. Being disciplined in harshness & anger.
40. Not reasoning with me, & never giving me an explanation of why I'm being disciplined.
41. Misusing brute force.
42. Reacting to me in the opposite way I think a Christian should treat me.
43. Raising their voices to each other.
44. Not being interested in who I am.
45. Cutting down something I am doing or someone I am with as being dumb or stupid.
46. Using foul language when they are upset with me.
47. Being impatient, which often comes across as rudeness.
48. Saying "no" without giving a reason.
49. Not praising me.
50. Sensing a difference between what is said with the mouth & what is said through facial expressions.
51. Making sarcastic remarks about me.
52. Making fun of my hopes, dreams, & accomplishments.
53. Punishing me severely for something that I didn't do.
54. Being distracted when I really have something to say.
55. Insulting me in front of others.
56. Speaking before thinking through how it will affect me.
57. Pressuring me when I already feel low or offended.
58. Comparing me with other kids at school & telling me how wonderful they are & that they wish I could be better.
59. Forcing me to argue with them when I'm really hurt inside.
60. Being treated like a little child.
61. Not approving of what I do or how I do it. I keep trying to get their approval but they just won't give it.
62. Seeing them do the very things they tell me not to do.
63. Ignoring me when I ask for advice because they are too busy.
64. Ignoring me & not introducing me to people who come to the house or whom we see in public.
65. Showing favoritism toward my brother or sister.
66. Acting as if something I want is of little importance.
67. Not feeling like I am special to them. It's so important to me to have my parents let me know, even in small ways, that I'm special to them.
68. Seeing my father put my mother down, especially in front of company.
69. Seldom touching or holding me.
70. Hearing mom & dad bickering at each other to the point where one of them is really hurt.
71. Not trusting me.
72. Making fun of something physically different about me.
73. Seeing my mom & dad trying to get revenge against each other.
74. Sensing that my dad never approves of what I do or how to do it.
75. Not being able to control their anger.
76. Getting mad at me because I can't keep up with their schedule or abilities.
77. Making me feel like they wish they never had me in the first place.
78. Not having enough time for me.
79. Needing my parents but they are glued to the television.
80. Seeing my parents spend a lot of money on their pleasures, but when I want something, they don't seem to have the money.
81. Making me feel childish.
82. Not spending the time to understand what I am trying to say.
83. Yelling at me when I already know I'm wrong.
84. Making me feel like I hadn't tried to improve at something when I really had.
Parenting for Positive Results--Four Basic Types of Parenting:
1. The Dominant Parent: They have very high standards & expectations but they seldom offer warm, caring support & very few explanations are given for their rigid rules.
These are some typical statements & actions by dominant parents:
--"Rules are rules. You're late--to bed with no dinner."
--"I won't stand for your back talk. Apologise." (Or slap the child's face.)
--"You don't need reasons. Just do what I say."
--"I don't care how many of your friends will be there. You're not going & I don't want to hear another word about it, do you hear?"
--"No son of mine is going to goof off. You took the job; you get it done."
--"How many times have I told you to stop that? Get in there--you're going to get it!"
These are some possible reactions by children who have dominant parents:
--They rank lowest in self-respect. They have little ability to conform to rules or authority.
--The rigid harshness of the parent breaks the spirit of the child & results in resistance, "clamming up," or rebellion.
--The child usually does not want anything to do with his parents' rules or values. He tends to reject the ideas of his parents.
--The child may be attracted to other children who rebel against their parents & the general rules or society. They may use drugs & participate in other illegal activities.
--The child may be loud & demanding of his rights.
--In a classroom setting, he may cause disruption in order to gain attention from others.
2. The Neglectful Parent: These tend to lack both loving support & control over their children. They show an uncaring or immature attitude, lashing out at a child when pushed or irritated. These parents tend to isolate themselves from their children by excessive use of babysitters & to indulge in their own selfish activities. Children are viewed as a bother, "to be seen & not heard."
There are four main reasons why children are being neglected today:
a. The high divorce rate. It's very difficult for single parents to provide their children with the necessary time each day for listening & emotional accessibility.
b. The increase of mothers in the work force. One study shows that American parents spend less time with their children than parents in any other nation except England. The study quoted one Russian father who said he would not even think of spending less than two hours daily with his children. In contrast, a study at Boston University found that the average father in the United States spends about thirty-seven seconds a day with his children.
c. Excessive television viewing.
d. An increasingly mobile society.
Listed below are some typical actions & statements made by neglectful parents:
--"Work it out by yourself. Can't you see I'm busy?"
--"No! I'm expected somewhere else tonight. Get your mother to help you."
--"No, you can't stay up. Remember you wanted to stay up late last night. Stay out of my hair!"
--"That's your problem. I've got to get to work."
--"Good grief! Can't you kids be more careful?"
--"Late again, for heaven's sake. Would someone please pass the meat?"
--"So you think I'm stupid, huh? Well, that's your problem, buddy. Just get lost!"
Here are some possible effects on children of neglectful parents:
--The harshness & neglect tend to wound the spirit of a child, resulting in rebellion.
--The neglect teaches the child that he is not worth spending time with.
--The child develops insecurity because his parents are never predictable.
--The child may not develop a healthy self-respect because he is not respected & has not learned to control himself.
--Broken promises break the spirit of the child & lower his self-worth.
--The child tends to do poorly in school, because he has little motivation.
3. The Permissive Parent: They tend to be warm, supporting people, but weak in establishing & enforcing rules & limits for their children.
One of the major reasons why some parents are too permissive is an inner fear that they may damage their children if they are too strict. That fear of confronting their children may actually produce the very things they fear.
On the positive side, permissive parents are strong in the area of support. Effective parents realise that a certain degree of permissiveness is healthy. That means accepting that kids will be kids, that a clean shirt will not stay clean for long, that children will run instead of walk, & that a tree is for climbing.
Overpermissiveness, on the other hand, allows for undesirable acts. The following statements & actions are typical of permissive parents:
--"Well, okay. You can stay up late this time. I know how much you like this program."
--"You're tired, aren't you? A paper route is a tough job; sure, I'll take you around."
--"I hate to see you under all this pressure from school. Why not rest tomorrow? I'll write a note to your teacher."
--"You didn't hear me call you for dinner. Well, that's all right. Sit down. I don't want you eating a cold dinner."
--"Please don't get angry with me. You're making a scene."
--"Jimmy, please try to hurry. Mommy will be late again if we don't start soon."
These are possible reactions by children who have permissive parents:
--A child senses that he is in the driver's seat & can play the parent accordingly.
--A child develops a feeling of insecurity, like leaning against a wall that appears to be firm, but falls over.
--A child may have little self-respect because he has not learned to control himself & master certain personal disciplines.
--A child learns that because standards are not firm, he can manipulate around the rules.
4. The Loving & Firm Parent: They have clearly defined rules, limits, & standards for living. They take time to train their children to understand these limits & give clear warnings when a child has transgressed an established limit. They also give support by giving physical contact & spending personal time listening to each child.
The loving & firm parent is a healthy & balanced combination of the dominant & permissive parents.
Here are some typical statements & actions by loving & firm parents:
--"You're late again for dinner, Tiger. How can we work this out together?" (Parents spend time working out solutions with the child.)
--"Hey, I wish I could let you stay up later, but we agreed on this time. Remember what you'll be like tomorrow if you miss your sleep?"
--"When we both cool off, let's talk about what needs to be done."
--"You're really stuck, aren't you? I'll help you this time. Then let's figure out how you can get it done yourself next time."
--"You may answer the phone, but before you answer, you must learn to answer it the right way."
Typical characteristics of children who have loving & firm parents:
--The warm support & clearly defined limits tend to build self-respect within the child.
--A child is more content when he has learned to control himself.
--His world is more secure when he realises that there are limits which are unbending, & he understands why--the underlying principles.
--Because the spirit of a child is not closed, the lines of communication are open with parents. There is less chance of the "rebellious teen years."
--The children from loving & firm parents ranked highest in: a) self-respect, b) capacity to conform to authorities at school, church, etc., c) greater interest in their parents' faith in God &, d) greater tendency not to join a rebellious group.
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A widow, left with five little boys, was honoured at a banquet. She had reared the boys to be noble, upright men. "Explain to us how you did it," asked the toastmaster. She said, "The secret lies in an occasional pat on the back. It gets positive results if given young enough, often enough, & low enough!"
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Expressing Loving Support--the Most Important Aspect of Raising Children
Unconditional Commitment: One of the most important ways to express warmth & loving support to our children is to make an unconditional commitment to them for life. That's the kind of commitment that says, "You're important to me today & tomorrow, no matter what happens."
My family is reminded daily of my commitment to them. At the entryway of our home hangs a wall plaque that I made. It reads: "To Norma, Kari, Gregory & Michael, in assurance of my lifetime commitment to you."
Norma & I frequently let our children know that we are committed to them for their entire lives, no matter what they do. Should they get into trouble, we will be there to help them. That doesn't necessarily mean we will bail them out of a tight situation, for that may not be best for them.
In contrast, lack of unconditional commitment can result in major conflict. A frightened eighteen-year-old boy standing in front of a stern judge listened as the judge, a close personal friend of the boy's father, told him that he was a disgrace to the community & his family: "You ought to be ashamed of yourself, disgracing your family's name, causing your parents a great deal of anguish & embarrassment. Your father is an upright citizen in this community. I have personally served on numerous committees with him & know of his commitment to this city. I count your father as a close personal friend & it is with deep grief that I have to sentence you this day for your crime."
With his head bowed in obvious embarrassment, the young man listened to the judge. Then, before sentence was passed, he asked if he could speak: "Sir, I do not mean to be disrespectful or to make excuses for my behaviour. But I envy you a great deal. You see, there were many days & nights that I wanted to be my father's best friend. There were many times when I needed his help with school work, in some of my dating situations, & in some of the difficult times that I faced as a teenager. But my father was gone a great deal, probably on some of those committees with you, or playing golf. I've always felt like other things were more important to him than I was. I don't mean this disrespectfully, but I truly wish I knew my father like you do."
Stunned by the boy's words, the judge placed him on probation & ordered that the boy & his father were to spend time together every week, getting to know each other. The father obviously was humiliated by the sentence, realising his lack of commitment to his son, but it caused him to get to know his son better & that was the turning point in his son's life.
Scheduled Times: Schedule special times with the family, preferably daily. The activity itself is not so important, but it does need to be something that is enjoyable for both the child & the parent. Often the deepest relationships can be developed during the simplest activities. As a family, we camp together frequently.
Availability to Children: Sometimes when I'm reading the paper, watching something special on TV or heading out the door for a meeting, one of my children will walk up & say, "Dad, you got a minute?" We must be careful what we communicate at these times. If we say, "Not now, I'm busy," they'll observe what we are doing & compare their importance to it. Often we can say, "Now isn't a good time to talk, but I can give you my undivided attention in thirty minutes." Sometimes we can drop what we're doing, because our children are simply more important.
A man must evaluate why he is working. Kids have a much greater need for time with dad, than knowing dad is away at work so they can eat or attend college.
I often ask my wife if she feels I am spending enough time with our children. I also ask our children the same question, carefully listening to what they say.
Children Need to be Treated Tenderly: Harshness & angry lecturing communicate to children that they are of little value & in some cases worthless. The phrase "If I meant anything to anyone, they wouldn't be so mean to me" is the frequent subconscious conclusion teens draw.
It's not unusual for my daughter Kari to come to me & say something like, "Dad, I'm having a problem with a friend at school. Do you think we could talk about it tonight?" She knows that I am usually open to that situation. And I have learned that when we do get together, she wants me to listen, remain calm, offer some suggestions, & especially try to understand her suggestions. She does not want or need a lecture.
Recently, I violated almost every principle I recommend in this book, but because Kari, now seventeen years old, knows I love her & our relationship is strong, it appeared that she was just barely affected by my insensitivity. Under the stress of finishing this book & several other major responsibilities I launched into a firm & serious lecture with her. "Don't you ever wait until the last day to finish a school report," I ranted. I threatened her social life & anything else that came to mind. I left the house with a close friend & halfway through dinner I excused myself & telephoned Kari. "Kari," I said, tenderly & apologetically, "Dad was wrong, wasn't he?" Often I think children are much more mature than their parents. She answered, "Dad, Mom explained the pressures you are under. The reason I never answered you was because I knew what you're going through. Thanks for calling though, I love you."
Children Need Frequent Eye Contact with Us: A child whose spirit is closing tends to look down or away, or turn his entire body away from the parent. It is difficult for a child to keep his eyes on his parents when he is guilty. A child may confess something just because of our gentle insistence that we look each other in the eyes.
Meaningful Touching: According to some research, the skin is the largest organ of our body & has a built-in need to be touched. Physiologists contend that the nerve endings of the skin actually are associated with certain vital glands centered in the brain. These glands regulate growth & many other important functions of the body. Research suggests that some children, because of a lack of touching, actually have their growth stunted to some degree.
Touching also communicates to children that they are valuable. When I place my head tenderly on my child's shoulder, I am actually communicating, "You are important to me. I want to spend time with you." On the other hand, pushing our children away or hitting them with our hands communicates rejection. Refusing to touch our children communicates to them that they are "untouchable."
It is also important for children to know that their parents need to be hugged. During our regular family meeting, we mentioned to Greg, who was fifteen years old, that we needed him to respond when we tried to hug him. He looked embarrassed, so we talked further about it. He said that he didn't realise that by resisting some of our hugs we were feeling that he didn't like us. He changed immediately & became much more receptive to our hugs, even though at times we feel he is trying to rearrange our backbones!
One of the problems in today's culture is that we have associated touching of any kind with sexual connotations. We need to realise that touching does not need to have such overtones.
I haven't always been a touching person. Before we were married, I told Norma, "Now, don't expect me to be one of those `huggy' husbands & fathers, because I'm just not like that." I had to learn over the years how to touch & enjoy it.
Balancing Loving Support Through Contracts
Dr. Robert Coles, one of the nation's most influential psychiatrists, emphasised that what children need, perhaps more than anything else, are rules of life that clearly establish what is right & what is wrong--practical rules that can govern our daily lives.
We read about a survey conducted several years ago with outstanding linguists, teachers, pastors, evangelists, & medical doctors. They were asked about the influences that led to their vocational choices & why they became so successful in their respective fields. Each said he came from a strict home where there were clearly defined limits. Studies like that encouraged us to establish our own rules & discipline.
Much of our security in life comes from order & regularity. We are relatively confident about entering an intersection when the light is green, knowing that the light for cross traffic is red. Limits are all around us. We can be confident that the chair we sit on will not break, the walls in our home will not collapse, & that the tires on our car, when properly taken care of, will hold air, because there are rules & limits regulating their quality. With inconsistency there is insecurity.
Dr. Haim Ginott states that one of the greatest philosophies undermining parents has been Freud's psychoanalysis. Freud perpetuated the idea that, "I'm the way I am today because of what my parents did to me." Today's parent is uncertain about how to raise a child. He is fearful that his mistakes will have costly consequences.
Setting Limits through Contracts: When our children were around three years old, our very first & simple limits were:
1. We will obey God as we understand the Bible.
2. We will obey Mommy & Daddy.
3. We will be kind to people & things--God's Creation.
With the first rule, we wanted to teach our children that we are not, as parents, the final authority. There is a higher authority. If we were to ask our children to do something that violated the Bible, we wouldn't want them to obey us. We explained to our children that we wanted to have these limits in our home because this would honour God. These are His commandments, not ours. By obeying us, they were obeying God.
The third limit naturally grew out of the first two--being kind to people & things. We didn't want to have the kids calling each other ugly names or doing anything that would make another child feel devalued. We also wanted them to learn that their brothers, sisters & playmates were valuable because God created them.
As the children grew, we began to revise & add to our limits. Our entire contract is based on limits we have found in the Bible. We regularly remind our children that these are God's limits for our family. As they operate under the contract, they know that they are obeying God--it is God's learning process, not ours.
1. Learning to obey parents.
2. Learning to put things away after we have used them.
3. Learning to do our chores--responsibility.
4. Learning to have good manners & learning responsibility toward others.
5. Learning to take care of God's creation: People & things.
6. Learning appropriate inner character qualities.
These six limits represented our final draft of an actual written contract that each of us signed & dated. In a very real sense, this was just like any business contract. We discovered that having a written, objective contract greatly contributed to our family's harmony. It made disciplining the children so much easier because we simply pointed to the Family contract, & they were much more willing to cooperate & adjust to it.
Most of us live by contracts, but the majority are not written out or signed. Marriage vows & driver's licenses are contracts. Agreeing to do a certain job for an employer is a contract. There are even contracts that no one mentions. For example, you keep your yard in a certain condition or else the neighbours will complain to city officials. Drive your car eighty miles an hour & you will discover that you have a contract with the city or state & it's going to cost you a stiff fine.
The basis of a contract is that all parties participate in the negotiations. All must agree on each point & on the consequences when a point is violated. Then everyone signs the contract, putting himself under its authority.
Our children were very involved in defining the limits. For example, in our first limit, "Learning to Obey Parents," we asked them what it means to obey. They said it meant two things. First, it meant not complaining. Examples of complaining included, "Why do I have to do it? Why can't Kari do it? I'm always the one chosen. Why is it always me? Why can't you do it?"
The second part of obeying was not nagging, "Please Dad, can I do it? Can I? Please, everybody is doing it. I mean, couldn't I just do it one time?" Constant nagging was interpreted as disobedience & a violation of the command for children to obey their parents. They finally helped us define the word "obeying" to mean, "Yes, I will do it & I won't complain."
Part of taking care of God's creation is taking care of our own body. Brushing their teeth after meals was part of taking care of God's creation, as was bathing, washing hair, & wearing clean & neat clothing.
This limit also included taking care of others, such as asking questions instead of arguing. It meant trying to really understand others because what they say is important. It also included playing carefully, not hitting someone with intent to hurt, getting revenge, or calling someone a degrading name.
After writing down these first five limits into a contract, we made a place for everyone to sign. This showed that we all agreed to the direction we were going to go as a family. Because we involved the children, from the earliest ages, in helping write these limits, they considered them their limits, rather than standards their parents were imposing on them. Next, we had to figure out how to motivate them & what the best means of correction was when they got off course.
The question then, is how to implement the contract on a daily basis. There are three parts to the process:
1. Set clearly defined limits by writing a contract.
2. Supervise the living of these limits regularly.
3. Consistently handle resistance through lost privileges.
First we negotiated our family contract into something like the chart below:
CHART #1
1. Learning to obey parents:
Answer by saying, "Yes, Dad/Mom" immediately & accomplish the result right away.
--Do not complain: "I don't want to do that," "Do I have to?" "Can't someone else do it?" "This isn't fair."
--Do not nag: "Oh please, please can't we do it?" "Can't I go, Mom? Can't I go, Mom? Can't I go, Mom?"
2. Learning to put our things away after use:
--Toys in our closet or garage
--Clothes in the hamper or hung up in the closet
--Towels on the towel rack
--Have a place for everything & everything in its place.
3. Learning to do our chores:
--Clean bedroom before school
--Place used dishes in the sink after meals
--After school: Homework & music practice before play; take out trash Tuesdays & Fridays; feed cats; bring paper to Mom.
--Special chores when Mom or Dad need help.
4. Learning to have good manners:
--Meals: Walk to the table, fold hands in lap, no talking before we pray. Chew food with mouth closed. Say "Please" & "Thank you."
--When others are talking, wait for a pause in the conversation before saying, "Excuse me..."
--When we disagree with someone, do not say so, but rather be a learner & ask, "What did you say again?" or "I always thought..."
5. Learning to take care of God's creation:
People (Self)
--Bedtime: Clean up, brush teeth, put school bags by front door, listen to record or story
People (Others)
--Asking questions, not arguing
--Playing gently
--Praying for our "enemies"--not hitting
--Being kind & sensitive, not calling names
Things
--Protecting house & furniture: Not jumping or playing on chairs, beds etc. Not throwing balls in the house or against the house. Not climbing the small trees.
Second, we made a list of 30-40 possible lost privileges & agreed on 24 hours of lost privileges for each of the 5 limits.
CHART #2--Our Family Limits
1. Responsibility: Conforming: Obeying Mom & Dad--not complaining, arguing, or nagging
Lost Privileges for 24 Hrs.: All toys
2. Responsibility: Cleaning: Clean room every morning; clean up after using toys or other items.
Lost Privileges for 24 Hrs.: Television
3. Responsibility: Chores: Lawn once a week; trash every evening; piano by 5:30 P.M.
Lost Privileges for 24 Hrs.: After-school snack
4. Responsibility: Courteous: At meals; at church & outings
Lost Privileges for 24 Hrs.: Joining family the next time they eat out
5. Responsibility: Caring: To bed on time; brush teeth; kind to people & things (God's Creation); not teasing, hitting, or arguing
Lost Privileges for 24 Hrs.: Seeing friends
Signed:
Date:
__________________________ ___/___/___
__________________________ ___/___/___
__________________________ ___/___/___
__________________________ ___/___/___
__________________________ ___/___/___
__________________________ ___/___/___
We met for 10-15 minutes each night after dinner to evaluate how everyone was doing in each of the 5 areas. We kept Chart #3 by the kitchen table. It was covered in plastic so we could mark it with a grease pencil & erase it the next evening. We also used this time to correct our children rather than correct them throughout the day, unless they had committed a serious offense, of course, then we would take care of it immediately.
CHART #3--Responsibilities
Kari
Greg
Mike
Lost Privilege
1. Conforming
[ ]
[ ]
[ ]
toys
2. Cleaning
[ ]
[ ]
[ ]
TV
3. Chores
[ ]
[ ]
[ ]
snack
4. Courteous
[ ]
[ ]
[ ]
eatout
5. Caring
[ ]
[ ]
[ ]
friends
Don't Expect, Inspect: For awhile we met every night after dinner, applying the old proverb, "People do what you inspect, not what you expect." Then we no longer met daily, because the limits had become a regular part of our children's behaviour. The contract still serves as our Family Constitution. It is open for amendments, but we can revise it only if all of us agree with the recommended change.
As our children entered their teen years we wrote separate contracts to include more specific areas, particularly dating & driving.
Guidelines for Spanking:
Most violations of our limits are punished by a loss of privileges. It is part of our written contract that we will use spanking if anyone is obviously resistant or rebellious, especially strong defiance against a parent. The main problem with spanking is that it can be a release for the parent's frustration, guilt, or anger. It may therefore benefit the parent more than the child. Parents should ask themselves who will benefit most from the spanking. It's most effective with preschoolers, but it should rarely be used after age thirteen. Usually a loss of privileges is more effective for older children.
Before we developed our contracts, we discovered that the majority of spanking in our home took place before meals. This is often the hardest time because everyone is hungry & tired. Our blood sugar levels are low. The children are restless, impatient, & the aroma of food heightens tension. A number of things can happen at this time to flare up disobedience within children. We found I could reduce some of the tension by simply spending more time with the children when I came home from work.
Nine factors to consider when spanking is used as a method of correction:
1. Give clear warning before the spanking. Children need to understand why they are being spanked. We have told our children that they must show obvious signs of rebellion against clearly established rules to get a spanking. Examples might be if they physically harm each other or if a parent tells them not to do something & they say they don't care & do it anyway.
2. Establish a child's responsibility for his or her disobedience. When a child disobeys after instructions & warning, the child must assume responsibility for his disobedience. We ask our children what they have done so they can see for themselves that they violated our family limits.
3. Avoid embarrassment & outside interference. When spanking or correcting a child, make sure you are alone with him, especially when a child's offense occurs in public. If the parent brings up a problem in front of a child's friends & attempts to correct him, the child will be more concerned about his reputation than the offense he has committed. Such a correction demoralises the child & can produce a closed spirit. It also might motivate a child to figure out ways to justify his action to those who saw him being punished so that they will side with him. Be particularly careful if out in public where spanking is offensive.
4. Communicate parental grief over the offense.
5. Associate love with spanking. It is important to explain the age-old adage, "This hurts me more than it does you," to children. My children have questioned that many times, but it is true.
Once when I was going to spank Kari, she tried to talk her way out of it. She promised never to do the offense again. She begged me not to spank her. I decided to take that opportunity to illustrate an example of real love & sacrifice.
I told her how when Christ died on the cross, He paid the penalty for our sin. Then I told her that I wanted to show her a small example of what Jesus did. I was going to let her spank me.
"Someone's going to be spanked today," I told her. "But I'm going to take your punishment for you because I love you & want you to know that I'm not spanking you to hurt you. I'm doing it because I think what you did was wrong & we are correcting it."
Kari stopped crying, her eyes lit up & she looked at me as if to say, "Are you serious?" I told her I was, gave her the paddle & lay down on the bed just as I had asked her to do. But when she tried, she couldn't do it. I told her it was okay, but if she didn't want to spank me, I would spank her. She quickly said that she thought she could bring herself to do it. After a long struggle, she gave me a good one. And it stung. I stood up & she gave me a big hug, like we always did with her after a spanking. This only happened once, but it gave Kari some understanding of what her parents go through.
6. Discipline or spank until the will is broken. Correction can reveal the level of a child's resistance. Persistent correction can break stubbornness.
7. Comfort a child after the spanking: Hugging reinforces our love for the child.
8. Discuss any restitution that might be necessary. If a child is spanked because he hit a neighbor willfully & deliberately, it may be important for you to discuss how he should go & seek forgiveness from that neighbour. Or if he stole money from someone, you may discuss with the child how much & in what manner to repay it.
9. Evaluate your correction & your child's response to it. If you have wronged your child in any way, through false accusation, anger, attacking him as a person rather than his wrong behaviour, embarrassing him, lacking love, or over-punishing, it is important to go to him & follow the steps of opening his spirit. One of the most common accusations children have against their parents is that they rarely admit when they are wrong. This pride makes future correction very difficult because it can cause a child to close his spirit.
It is more important for us as parents to have a warm, loving relationship with our children than to have a strict "military" type atmosphere at home.
Three Powerful Ways to Motivate Children
There are many, many reasons why people are motivated--it might be the applause, the cheering of the crowd, awards, but real & lasting motivation must come from within.
When a child uses his own energy & drive to achieve a goal he has set, he is truly motivated. That goal may be inspired by parents or friends, but it is important that the child actually set the goal & see that it is attainable & that he will benefit by reaching that goal.
Notice we stress the child setting his own goal. There is a fine line between motivation & manipulation. Dads & Moms alike need to be so careful not to use their children as pawns for their own needs. Have you ever witnessed a Dad forcing football on his son because Dad needs it--not his son?
True motivation comes from one or a combination of two factors:
1. Desire for gain.
2. Fear of loss.
Imagine waking a child on Christmas morning. He doesn't need to be motivated to get up. Eagerly he jumps out of bed because he knows there is something waiting for him. That same child will not stick his hand into a fire because he fears pain & loss, & this motivates him to avoid the flames.
1. Use a child's natural bent:--The Five Different Temperaments of Children
I have observed that at least five different temperaments can be found in children. (See following chart:)
STRONG-WILLED
General Characteristics
* They believe they're usually right.
* Often critical, pointing out the mistakes of others.
* Perfectionist tendency.
* Believe there is a right & wrong way to act.
* Prone to "foot-in-mouth" disease.
* When doing a task, they want to do it right or not at all.
* Negative thinker
* Persistent
* Very loyal
* Good memory of others' actions towards them.
* Can be warmly touched by sad stories.
Dos & Don'ts in Motivation
* Spend time fully explaining things, because once they see that certain actions are right, they usually comply.
* Be careful not to interpret their ability to be blunt with others as a sign that they can receive blunt, terse words in return. They are much more motivated by sincere grief, even tears, but they are experts in detecting insincere or manipulative motivation.
* They like to know where they are wrong if adequate time is taken & they know if we are sincere & willing to wait until they really understand.
* Avoid prolonged arguments because the "strong-willed" often feels slightly hypocritical in discussing what they "know" is right--their own opinion.
THE CHEERLEADER
General Characteristics
* Manipulative
* Excitable
* Undisciplined
* Reactive
* Promotional
* Expressive
* Desires to be helpful
* Creative
* Approachable
* Warm
* Communicative
* Impulsive
Dos & Don'ts In Motivation
* Discover their opinions & ideas. Help them figure out how to reach their goals in a realistic way. Many times their goals are not realistic.
* "Cheerleaders" have opinions on almost everything. When motivating them, find out what they are most interested in & develop a friendship on this level of interest.
* They are most responsive to a good friend who likes their ideas.
* When faced with a problem, discuss possible solutions & let them come up with their own solutions, with your help as a parent.
* If you disagree, avoid prolonged arguments because "cheerleaders" have a strong need to win. Look for alternative solutions that you both can live with.
* "Cheerleaders" tend to do what you inspect, not what you expect.
THE PEACEMAKER
General Characteristics
* Conforms to others
* Pliable
* Dependent
* Supportive
* Tender-hearted
* Agreeable
* Avoids persistent arguments
* Somewhat introverted
* Careful in what they say or do so as not to cause conflict.
* Not the flamboyant type
Dos & Don'ts In Motivation
* They need to know that we sincerely like them as a unique individual.
* They react to being stereotyped or placed in a box.
* They respond better to someone they consider a friend.
* Patiently discover their personal goals & motivate them by helping them meet those goals.
* If the peacemaker disagrees, encourage discussion on personal feelings & opinions rather than objective facts.
* Avoid harshness or demanding attitudes because they are very stubborn when offended.
* When disagreement occurs, it is better to have a soft, tender conversation as you gently touch them: "You're feeling hurt, aren't you? I sure don't want you to feel badly. Let's resume this later when we both can be calmer."
THE HELPER
General Characteristics
* Somewhat like the peacemaker in temperament, but more concerned about assisting people in need rather than empathising with them.
* Tends to be exacting; his way is the only way to do it.
* Undependable
* Impulsive
* Avoids long-range planning
* Conforming because they avoid conflict
* Would rather do a job right than delegate it
* Usually over-committed
Dos & Don'ts In Motivation
* They run on genuine, sincere praise.
* If you expect them to do a certain job, they'll probably avoid it & do something unexpected for someone else.
* They usually try to accomplish more in one day than they can finish, so they become frustrated. Help them organise their day, but don't demand that they follow the plan too strictly.
* If you want their help with a particular project, it is best to start it in their presence & wait for them to help. They may prefer to finish it by themselves, without your help.
THE PUSHER
General Characteristics
* Objective
* Uncommunicative
* Aloof
* Independent
* Competitive
* Initiates action
* Pushy
* Tough-minded
* Dominating
* Harsh
* Determined
* Decisive
Dos & Don'ts In Motivation
* Help them see the result of their behaviour. Be objective.
* They are interested in knowing what will happen, not so much why it will happen.
* When an argument starts, use facts & ideas, not feeling statements. "Pushers" are motivated by cold, objective facts.
Within each of the five personality types, the behaviour of children will vary because of birth order. For example, firstborn children tend to be more pushy & prone to give orders. Second born children tend to be more sociable. Other factors account for variances within temperaments: Being an only child, living with only one parent, being the only boy in a family of girls, & so on.
When motivating a child by using his or her "natural bent" it is important to learn the child's basic interests & talents. You can use this knowledge to motivate that child to be a better student, eat healthier foods, read books, & do many other things.
For example, when our ten-year-old son Michael told us he wanted to be a pro football player, we used this goal to motivate him to eat more nutritional foods & take care of his body. "Have you ever met an unhealthy football player?" I'd ask him. Now he has decided that he wants to be a zoo keeper. We have visited different zoos & talked about what it takes to be a good zoo keeper. Because a zoo must be neat & orderly, we have motivated Michael to keep his room more neatly arranged. We have given him books about animals to encourage him to be a better reader which has motivated him to do well in school. He's enjoyed doing several research papers because of his strong interest in animals.
When parents use their children's interests to motivate them, the resulting progress is often amazing. Motivating a child through his interests is effective because it comes from within them.
Parents must be careful, however, not to "force" a child into a particular "bent" especially when considering the child's temperament. People can take on characteristics of other temperaments, so the five general temperaments should only be used as a guide & not a rigid mold. It can be very harmful to make statements like, "You're the strong-willed type, & this is the way you'll always be." Realise that they can adjust or even change their personality type in time.
2. Use the Salt Principle:
Simply stated, the Salt Principle involves using a child's interests to teach specific things that a parent believes are important.
We are all familiar with the saying, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink." But that's not necessarily true. If you dump salt in the horse's oats, he will become thirsty & want to drink. The more salt you dump on his oats, the thirstier he becomes & the more he wants to drink.
When I use the Salt Principle, I'm creating curiosity. Here are some guidelines for using salt effectively:
1. Clearly identify what you wish to communicate.
2. Identify your listener's most important interests.
3. Using their areas of high interest, share just enough of your idea to stimulate curiosity to hear more.
4. Use questions to increase curiosity.
5. Communicate your important information or idea only after you see you have your child's full interest & attention.
Not long ago, I wanted to teach Mike an important lesson. If I had said, "Hey, how about a Bible lesson together, just the two of us?" you can imagine the response: "Yea Dad, maybe later, okay?" or perhaps, "Oh no, not one of those again." We are an ordinary family & I realise that my children often are not interested in what I consider to be important for their lives. But I can salt their interest by relating to things they are interested in. Here's how I used it with Mike:
"Hey, Mike? Want me to tell you a story?" I asked. "No, Dad. I'm playing right now. Maybe later." "Well, okay, then I won't tell you about a crazy, wild man who lived in the mountains, & he was so strong he could break chains & no one could hold him down & he made these horrible screams so no one would get near him."
I paused & Mike immediately piped up, "That's in the Bible?"
"Yes. And you won't believe what happened to him. Maybe sometime I'll tell you the story."
"No, tell me now, please!" So I proceeded to tell Mike the story about how Jesus healed the demoniac.
I had a high school English teacher who used salt to motivate us to read books. He would read to the class from a book. Then just when he got to the most exciting part, he'd stop reading & close the book. Naturally, we'd all say, "What happened?"
"It's in the book," would be his reply.
"What page?" we'd beg.
"You'll find it."
And so we'd dash to the library to check out the book, & many times we'd read the entire book to find out what happened.
Television shows you twenty or thirty-second previews of upcoming programs. They show you the most exciting scenes, but don't let you know how they are resolved. They'll show a car flying over a barrier in a chase scene, but in order to find out if it lands or crashes, you have to watch the show.
Gossip is the Salt Principle used in a negative way. You can walk up to someone & say, "You'll never guess what I heard about so-&-so." The immediate response is "What's that?" If you say, "Well, I promised not to say anything about it to anyone," you have just increased the salt level even more. This negative use of the Salt Principle demonstrates just how effective it really is. It can be used for manipulation, which is very negative, or it can be used in a very positive manner.
3. Use emotional word pictures:
An emotional word picture is associating our feelings with either a real or imaginary experience.
A teenage girl once told me how she motivated her father to listen & understand her. She used an emotional word picture relating to her father's job as an auto mechanic to tell him about something that was troubling her.
"Daddy, you know how sometimes you will tune up a car & it runs okay, but not exactly the way it ought to? Then the owner will bring it back & say it's not running exactly right. Frustrated, you take out all your tools & check everything again & sure enough, you'll make a minor adjustment that makes the engine purr. Well, you're a super Dad & our relationship is running along fine, but there's a little part of it that's out of adjustment. I wish we could spend some time so that I could explain from my point of view what we could do together to fine-tune our relationship."
The girl's father understood immediately because he could imagine someone returning a car for an adjustment. Because he understood how his daughter felt, a positive change occurred in their relationship.
Once a person starts to feel what another is feeling, he increases his understanding & becomes more sensitive to their spirit.
In the story of David & Bathsheba, David wasn't motivated to repent or change until the Lord sent Nathan who painted a powerful emotional word picture.
The story angered David, & he demanded that such a man (in Nathan's story) deserved to die. Boldly Nathan said, "Thou art the man!" The emotional word picture was so powerful that David cried out to God in grief & repented of his sin.
Jesus Christ was a master at using emotional word pictures. He used natural things & experiences to teach truth. He said things like, "The kingdom of God is like finding a valuable pearl." Or "Unless we fall to the ground like a seed & die, we will never produce the true fruit of life." "I am the Good Shepherd." "Faith is like a mustard seed." "I am the Light of the World." These word pictures illustrate truths that are understandable to Man because they are put in the context of human experience & emotions.
I've witnessed the power & effectiveness of emotional word pictures in my own home. It took five minutes to help my son change an irritating habit. I travel frequently & am often gone for several days at a time. When I arrive home, the whole family usually greets me. When our son Greg was twelve, there was a time when, after the initial greeting, he would avoid me for an hour or two. I would try to touch him or ask him what he'd done while I was gone, but he'd say, "Just leave me alone. I don't want to talk."
I wanted Greg to understand how his rejection hurt me, so I took him out for dinner, just the two of us.
"Greg, suppose you made first string on the basketball team & you were playing well, & suddenly you got an injury. We took you to the doctor & he said you couldn't play for two weeks so the injury would heal. So you don't play, but you show up at practices. Then after two weeks, you're ready to play again, but the rest of the players & the coach just ignore you. They act like you aren't even there. How would that make you feel?"
"Dad, that would really hurt. I wouldn't want to go through that."
"That's somewhat how Dad feels when I come home from a trip & you welcome me home, but then reject me for an hour or two. I want to get back on the family team, but I feel you are ignoring me."
"I didn't know that," he said. "That really makes sense. I won't do it anymore."
About two weeks later, I left for a trip. As I was getting into the car after saying goodbye to my family, Greg yelled, "Have a great trip, Dad. And get ready to be rejected when you get home." We all laughed, but he remembered, & never again did he reject me when I returned home.
18 Additional Ways to Motivate Children
1. Help Children Choose Their Own Goals: Part of loving children is helping them reach their goals--not superimposing our goals upon them. Try to expose them to people who have succeeded in areas in which your children are interested. The motivational force is often more powerful when it comes from someone outside the family.
2. Help Children Visualise the Positive Results of Achieving Their Own Goals & the Negative Results of Not Reaching Their Goals: The basketball team was about to face a team which had humiliated them last year. The coach pulled out the film of last year's game. The game looked as bad on film as it had that night. It even captured the fans' shameful expressions, disgusted with their team.
At first that may not sound like the best motivational tool, but then the coach pulled out a film of his team winning a big game. This time the fans were screaming & cheering. "Look how well you played against that other team," the coach said. "This year you can play just as well against the team that embarrassed you last year. What do you say. Let's go get'm!"
3. Remember the Power of Praise: Instead of mentioning to them the two things they did wrong today, let's talk to them about the ten things they did right. You'll be amazed at the results.
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Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word "but" & ending with a critical statement. For example, in trying to change a child's careless attitude toward studies, we might say, "We're really proud of you, Johnny, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better."
In this case, Johnny might feel encouraged until he heard the word "but." He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, & we probably would not achieve our objective of changing Johnny's attitude toward his studies.
This could be easily overcome by changing the word "but" to "and." "We're really proud of you, Johnny, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with the others."
Now Johnny would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the behaviour we wished to change indirectly, & the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations.--Dale Carnegie.
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4. Expose Children to a Variety of Activities: The key is letting the child choose what he wants to do. Watch their response & interest. Wait until they ask to become involved, then support them the best you can.
5. Expect Children to Do Things Right: Children can sense whether or not you expect the best from them. If they sense that they can get away with doing less than their best, often they will do just that. If they sense that you expect that they cannot do any better, they may drop to your level of expectation. I also have seen children who were highly motivated when great things were expected of them.
6. Believe Your Children Can Achieve Great Things: As parents, we must communicate to our children that if they want to give something a try, they should do it. Even strain for it. That is one reason why I ran my first marathon at the age of forty-two. I wanted to show my children that even an "old man" can do things that appear almost impossible.
7. Help Children Develop a More Positive Self-Image: A young boy who looked on the bright side of everything was given a ball & bat by his father. The father told the boy that when he got home from work, he would play a whole inning of baseball with his son. Sure enough, when the father arrived home, he took the son out in the back yard to see what he could do.
The little boy threw the ball up, swung the bat, & missed. "Strike one," the father said. The boy tossed the ball up again, swung, & missed. His father said, "Strike two." With more determination than ever, the boy threw the ball up a third time, swung a mighty swing, missed, & spun around, falling to the grass. His father said, "Strike three. You're out. What do you think?"
To this, the optimistic little boy answered, "Man, am I a good pitcher!" Positive thinking can go a long way in motivation. A low self-image affects a child in virtually every aspect of life--dress, conversation, facial expression, future employment possibilities, even the future of his or her marriage.
In my counselling of young children, teenagers, & even adults, I have found that certain individuals seem to be programmed to fail. It's essential that we get our children involved in at least one activity where they can be successful. We should literally help them through at least one accomplishment.
I can still recall when my high school basketball coach yelled at me one day, telling me I was too slow. It took me years to get rid of the memory of those words ringing in my ears, "Smalley, you're too slow." When I went out for track, it was difficult for me to run because I kept reminding myself I was too slow. My low self-image actually inhibited my ability to run.
8. Reward Your Children: Parents who were trying to get their daughter to stop sucking her thumb decided that they would give her a little surprise every time she went seven days without sucking her thumb. When she was thirty days without reverting to the habit, they gave her a bigger surprise. Rewards have a way of motivating & changing behaviour & they can be particularly effective with young children.
Of course, we must be careful that children do not learn to expect a reward every time they accomplish something, such as routine chores around the house.
When Greg was fifteen, we discovered a very effective way to motivate him with major chores around the house. We simply placed a list of jobs to be done on the refrigerator with the wage amount written next to each job. These were jobs that were not part of our household chores, such as cleaning the garage, weeding backyard & garden, & trimming the trees.
These jobs were open to any of our kids, but Greg would rush through as many as he could.
9. Use the Ol' "You Can't Do It, Can you?" Principle: What happens when someone tells you, "You probably don't have time for this," or "You can't do that, so I'll get someone in here who can"? If you're like me, such statements bother you, so you usually jump right in & tackle whatever has to be done. I've seen the same type of motivation work with my children. I'll say, "You probably can't handle this" or "I need someone strong to do this. Who can I call?" The result is that the children often get right in there & do the work.
While this technique can be very successful, it must be used carefully. If used on a person with a low self-image or someone who has trouble believing in himself, you may only succeed in discouraging him further, or causing him to give up completely.
10. Expose Your Children to People You Admire: My children's inner motivation has greatly increased by exposing them to some very successful people. They never forget these special encounters.
You might be amazed how easy it is to rub shoulders with some of these outstanding people. Many of them want to share their lives with others, particularly young people. There are many influential people who would love to meet with your children, if only for a few minutes, so that some of the qualities that have made them successful could rub off on your children.
For example, consider inviting your pastor to dinner. Prepare for the time by asking him to share how he started in the ministry & let the discussion after dinner stimulate & inspire your children. Try the same experience with a businessman you admire or an outstanding leader in your community. Let these leaders know what your purpose is. Invite a returned missionary or statesman to your home. Take your children to visit a prison facility. Have them ask some of the administration officials why people generally get into trouble.
11. Be Persistent: We must be careful to not confuse persistence with nagging. Nagging is basically negative, a criticism of someone who is not acting in the manner in which we would like him to. Nagging usually reflects selfishness: "You haven't started to clean your room yet? You didn't do it yesterday. When are you ever going to get that room cleaned up?" The same topic & the same tone of voice, repeated over & over again, can cause resistance in children & can eventually lower their self-image. They begin to believe what they continually hear--"I can't do anything right."
Persistence, however, is when we creatively & enthusiastically bring up something that we believe to be important. We mention it in different ways & at different times & in different tones of voice.
12. Be Enthusiastic: Being around an enthusiastic person is like being around someone who is laughing. It's contagious. Even when you don't know what someone is laughing about, you start grinning, then chuckling, & before long, you're laughing too.
I have found that, as a parent, if I am really excited about something, my family tends to get excited too. Enthusiasm is contagious!
13. Develop Strong Inner Convictions: Nonverbal communication can be a very motivating factor for children because they are alert to facial expressions & body language. The stronger our convictions, the more our nonverbal language will communicate those convictions.
How many people have had a lasting influence on your life? Think about it. They probably were people with strong convictions. The stronger our convictions, the greater our influence on the people around us.
14. Use Contracts: We have found it very motivating for a child to conform to a contract that he has helped prepare. We have watched our children make adjustments in their lives because they have agreed to terms of the contract.
15. Encouragement from Peers: One of the most powerful influences on your child is those within his own age group who are good samples, who encourage him that he can make it.
16. Create a Positive Successful Experience: Many times we fear that if our children get involved in a certain activity they will fail because they lack some basic skills or knowledge.
In such cases, I believe it is appropriate for us, as parents, to intervene to help our children gain the knowledge or skills that they need.
17. Accountability & Support: When we share our goals with others, we become increasingly motivated to attain these goals because we know we will be held accountable. When we get discouraged or disappointed that we haven't progressed as far as we would like, the support of others can generate energy within us. Just having someone say "How are you doing?" or "You can do it," is tremendously energising.
18. Tender Touching & Listening: Children can become discouraged for a number of reasons--an injury, lack of progress, knowing there is always someone who is just a little bit better. Any of these reasons can make a child lose his energy. The easiest way for children to regain that energy is for someone who cares to put his arm around them, touch their hand, or pat them on the back. When someone really listens to how they are feeling, it pumps energy into them & motivates them to pick up at the point where they otherwise would have quit in discouragement.
When a child is discouraged, try the touching & listening approach: "Tell me about it," you say as you put your arm around the child. "You're really hurting today, aren't you? Do you want to talk about it?"
As you touch your child, you are not only sharing with him, you are energising him. You are not pitying him, as that can bring you both down. What you are doing is touching to listen, to understand.
After trying this, let some time go by before you start telling your child how to get back on course. Sometimes we try to get everything corrected too quickly & we drain the child's energy. Give him time. You'll be surprised at just how energising touching & listening alone can be.
With any motivational tool, we must remember that lasting motivation must come from within the child. Motivation techniques such as coercion, threats, & bribing are only temporary. Our job as parents is to help our children set goals & believe in them enough to see them accomplished, & whenever possible, use our resources to help them achieve those goals.
The Secret to a Close-knit Family
Six Characteristics of a Close-Knit Family: Dr. Nick Stinnett supervised a study of several intimate families nationwide. He discovered that there were six consistent characteristics among these families. First, family members expressed a high degree of appreciation for each other. One household had an event Dr. Stinnett called "bombardment." Every few months, the family members would meet & each would spend one minute praising every other member of the family. Sometimes the sessions were a little embarrassing, but they certainly were stimulating & inspirational.
Second, these families spent a great deal of time together.
The third characteristic was that these successful families had good communication patterns. They spent time talking to each other & they listened & worked at understanding each other.
Fourth, the families had a strong sense of commitment.
The fifth common ingredient was a high degree of religious orientation.
The final characteristic was that they had an ability to deal with crises in a positive manner, even in the worst situations they were able to find some positive element, no matter how tiny, & focus on that. I want to focus on two of these factors:
1. Sharing Life Experiences Together: One reason our family is so close is that we maximise our togetherness & minimise our times apart. That's not to say that we can't be alone as individuals.
But for the most part, we try to discipline ourselves as a family to organise times when we are all together. For example, every Friday night is a family night. Because of my profession, I am able to take off with the family for extended periods of time, but all-day outings provide the same opportunities for closeness. It just takes a little creativity to find fun things that the whole family will enjoy.
The principle is also true for husbands & wives without their children.
Even facing difficulties draws a family much closer together. The memories of being together on vacation when things went wrong or when we shared adventure is what knits the family together.
2. Dealing with Difficulties in a Positive Manner: When we go camping, we can usually count on something going wrong: Rain, mosquitos, running out of gas, a flat tire, losing the traveller's checks, forgetting the main ingredient to a meal. When families share such conflicts, it can draw them closer together.
Confronting such a crisis doesn't usually draw us together immediately. Frequently there is a lot of stress. We can easily become irritable & upset with each other. A certain amount of anger or stress is natural in a conflict or mishap. But family members need to recognise this.
Imagine being stuck on an elevator with five other people for two days. Each of you will experience common hunger, thirst, cramped conditions, fear, uncertainty, & so on. If reunion occurs several years later, all six of you will share & laugh about your unique experience, "Remember what happened the second day?" "Oh, yea. That was terrible!" The more challenging, dangerous, & adventurous the experiences, the closer we tend to be with those with whom we share them.
Three Practical Ways to Share Life Together:
1. Schedule Regular Times Together: Spending time together is a decision that must be made & kept.
2. Discover Each Person's Most Meaningful Activity: Once parents have agreed that it is important to spend time together as a family, they should discuss it with their children. The parents should ask each child to list the activities he would enjoy most.
3. Design Togetherness Times with Each Family Member in Mind.