IF I WERE STARTING MY FAMILY AGAIN--By John Drescher
I Would Love My Wife More
If I were starting my family again I would love the mother of my children more. That is, I would be more free to let my children know that I love her. It is so easy in the closeness of family life, to assume love, to take each other for granted & so let a dullness creep in which can dampen the deepest love.
To let my child know I love his mother, I would seek to be more faithful in doing little things for her. True love is visible. I would show special kindness such as opening the car door for her, placing her chair at the table, giving her little gifts on special occasions & writing her love letters when I'm gone from home. And I would whisper loving words about her in the ears of my children.
I now see more clearly than ever, that when the child sees a close relationship of love between mother & father, his love is enlarged & the best of life's joys & pleasures are pondered & produced. I'm persuaded that probably nothing gives a child so great an inner bubbling of joy & peace as feeling & seeing parents' love for each other.
I now know that there is a close relationship between parents' love for each other & the child's obedience, love & caring.
I Would Laugh More with My Children
If I were starting my family again I would laugh more. That's right, I would laugh more with my children. Oscar Wilde wrote: "The best way to make children good is to make them happy."
I remember when I laughed with my children at the humorous plays they put on for the family, at the funny stories they shared from school, at the times I fell for their tricks & catch questions. I recall clearly their squeals of delight when I laughed with them & shared in their stunts on the lawn or living room floor. I remember the times they told of funny experiences the family had years later, & I know it was the happy experiences which are remembered & still bind us together.
I remember how we laughed while travelling in the car. Seldom, if ever, did we need to scold when we were relaxed enough to laugh. I remember the time we travelled through Nebraska when it was one hundred degrees. We stopped for our lunch near a small but beautiful waterfall. After lunch the children waded into the stream, getting closer & closer to the falls. Finally, near the falls, one slipped & fell, into the water. We laughed. All the clothes were wringing wet. Then another ventured near & his clothes were soaked. Again, we laughed. Finally the children sat under the falls itself, allowing the cool, clean water to pour down over their bodies. And today, after the years gone by, that is one of those happy recall times, a happy time to remember.
So if I were starting my family again I would laugh more at myself, my mistakes, my failures. So many of the tensions of life, particularly in the family, arise because we take ourselves so seriously. So we are hurt too easily.
I Would Be a Better Listener
Most of us, as parents, find it hard to listen. We are busy with the burdens of what must be done. We are often tired when we arrive home from the job or from a full day's work of decision-making. We want to forget about things. Or we are wrapped in attention to our own interests & have little time to listen. A child's talk seems like chatter & unimportant.
If my child were small again I'd stop reading the newspaper when he wants to talk with me. And I would try to refrain from words of impatience at the interruption. Such times can be the best opportunities to show love.
One evening a small boy tried to show his father a scratch on his finger. Finally after the boy's repeated tries to gain his father's attention, the father stopped reading &, impatient at the interruption, said, "Well, I can't do anything about it, can I?" "Yes, Daddy," his small son said, "you could have said, `Oh'."
In listening I would pay more careful attention to my child's questions. It is estimated that the average child asks 500,000 questions by the age of 15. What a privilege for parents--a half-million opportunities to share something about the meaning of life.
If I had a chance to start over I would listen more with the "third ear". I'd seek to hear what my child is feeling when he asks questions or makes statements. When my child asks, "Daddy, must you go away again tonight?" I would now hear him saying, "I want to be with you."
I stood by the side of a father while his small boy called to him again & again. Seeing that I had noticed his son's calling & was conscious of his not answering, he said, "It's only the kid calling." And I thought, it will not be long until the father will call the son & his son will say, "It's only the old man calling."
I now believe there is a vital relationship between listening to the child's concerns when he is young & the extent to which the child will share his concerns with his parents when he is in his teens. I now believe that the parent who takes time to understand what his child says & feels early in life will be able to understand his child later in life.
I Would Seek to Be More Honest
If I were starting my family again I would seek to be more honest. When I say that, I feel strange because I've always put a premium on honesty. I've always considered myself honest in the sense that I wouldn't keep a nickel that didn't belong to me, nor would I knowingly tell a lie.
Yet I know from personal experience that parents practice another type of dishonesty which pretends perfection or implies one's own conduct as a child was beyond reproach.
One father confessed that he did not realise how dishonest he was until he learned a hard lesson. His fourth-grade son received a very low mark in spelling. In spite of scoldings & extra study it seemed his son simply could not bring up his grade. One day the lad told his teacher, "When my dad went to school he got all A's in spelling." "How do you know?" the teacher asked. "Did he tell you he did?" "No!" the boy replied, "But I know he did by the way he scolds me."
"The way I scolded my son," the father said, "I conveyed an untruth. The fact is that I, too, had a hard time in spelling. Then I told my son I also had a difficult time in spelling. Immediately I saw hope shining in his eyes. From that moment on my son did much better. By giving him the impression I got all A's, I made him feel defeated. By being honest myself I gave him hope that since dad made it, he could, too."
I do not mean by this that a parent should share all the failures of the past. Some parents even brag about past episodes & escapades of wrong-doing. This can only be harmful, of course. But to admit to a child that his problems are not unique since I also faced them is to give hope & help in meeting life's difficulties. For any child to realise, that I, his father, whom he should admire, fought the same battles, is to give new courage & to instill victory in the heart & mind.
As long as parents pretend to be perfect & will not admit mistakes, the child lives in a world in which he or she is conditioned to failure & inadequacy. I know now that the well-adjusted, happy child does not come from a home where everything was perfect or the home which made the least mistakes. He comes from a home where parents made many mistakes but were honest, open & loving enough to admit them.
I Would Stop Praying for My Family
Does it sound strange to say I would stop praying for my family? Here is what I mean.
Often in the past I prayed prayers like, "Lord, help my son to be a good boy. Change his attitudes, Lord. Help him to a double dose of divine love. May he be more pleasant in all our family relationships. Help him to be obedient."
Then one evening it happened. I was alone when suddenly it struck me that this kind of praying must stop. It seemed my prayers alone weren't enough. If anything, the children knew less about love than in their earlier years. Traits such as caring & kindness were decreasing. And I realised I must stop praying for them. I was praying for the wrong person.
So I stopped praying like that for my family. I realised that if my children were to know Christ's Love, then I, as their father, needed to experience more of Christ's Love & make that Love visible. If they were ever to learn true love in relationships with others, then I needed divine aid to demonstrate true love in all my relationships with them & others. So my prayers turned to, "Lord, make me fit to live with, loving & kind, as You are to me."
I stopped praying solicitous prayers for my wife when I realised that my job was not to make her good, but to make her happy. My prayers should not be for God to help her to get her work done. It should be to ask God to help me see those places where I could help her & make it easier for her. My prayers now turned to, "Lord, make me a real husband, eager & happy to do all I can to make my wife happy." I realised I was the one who needed extra helpings of God's grace.
And you know, from that night on, my world changed. My home changed. It suddenly seemed that my wife & children changed. A new atmosphere of love pervades the house & even the car when we go driving. The children seem kinder. And it all started when I stopped praying for them & began to pray for God to help me refrain from anything which might hurt those I love, or hinder relationships; when I told God that I wanted to do everything that needs to be done to make my children & wife happy. Something happened when I wanted God to change me more than I wanted Him to change others.
I Would Try for More Togetherness
If I were beginning my family again I would try for more togetherness. It may sound strange to say to families who live, eat & sleep together that they should try for togetherness. But many who live in the same house are worlds apart. And if there is one expression I've heard in family retreats & conferences over the years more than any other, it is that "If I had it to do over I would spend more time together with my children." These times together, not the things done alone, are what we remember.
In every father's week there are 168 hours. He probably spends about 40 hours at work. Allow another 56 hours per week for sleep. This leaves a father 72 hours each week to spend elsewhere. How many are actually spent with the family?
A group of 300 seventh & eighth grade boys kept accurate records on how much time their fathers actually spent with them over a two-week period. Most saw their father only at the dinner table. A number never saw their father for days at a time. The average time father & son were alone together for an entire week was seven & one half minutes.
One night I was almost asleep when I heard footsteps in the hall. Three-year-old David came slowly through the doorway & stood by my bed.
"What do you want, David?" I asked.
"Nothing, Daddy," he said. "I wanted to crawl in beside you & talk a little."
I pulled the covers back & in he came. He snuggled there in silence a short time & then said, "Daddy, it was fun holding your hand in front of that lion's cage."
"It sure was," I answered. "Were you scared?"
"Just a little bit," he replied.
After another short time of silence David said, "We really had a good time together today, didn't we, Daddy?"
"We sure did," I said.
And that was all, for now David drew the covers back & went quickly to his own room & bed. He was soon asleep. But I remained awake for some time. You see, my small son awakened me anew to the importance of taking time to be together as a family.
I Would Do More Encouraging
If I were starting my family again I would seek to be more free to express words of appreciation & praise. I reprimanded my children for making mistakes. I sometimes scolded them at the slightest infraction. But my children too seldom heard words of commendation & encouragement when they did a job well or exhibited good behaviour.
Probably no other thing encourages a child to love life, to seek accomplishment & to gain confidence, more than sincere praise--not flattery, but honest compliments--when he has done well.
When Sir Walter Scott was a boy he was considered dull in school. He often was made to stand in the dunce corner with the high pointed hat of shame on his head. He was approximately 12 years old when he happened to be in a home where some famous literary guests were entertained. Robert Burns, the Scottish poet, was standing admiring a picture under which was written the couplet of a stanza.
Burns inquired concerning the author of the couplet. No one seemed to know. Finally a small boy crept up to his side, named the author, & quoted the rest of the poem. Burns was surprised & delighted. Laying his hand on the boy's head he exclaimed, "Ah, bairnie, ye will be a great man in Scotland some day." From that day Walter Scott was a changed lad. One sentence of encouragement set him on the road to greatness.
To give encouragement, I would seek to remember the good things my child does & express more freely my feelings of joy, gratitude & praise for these.
Encouragement gives fresh energy, which Dr. Henry H. Goddard says can even be measured in the laboratory. At the Vineland Training School, Dr. Goddard used the ergograph, which is used to measure fatigue. When someone said to a tired child at the instrument, "You are doing fine, John," the boy's energy curve soared. Discouragement & fault-finding had a measurable opposite effect.
In seeking to bestow praise, I would seek to stall off scolding words of impatience when my child, through a moment of carelessness, dirties his clothes.
I know now that the ability to encourage the hidden resources of a child must be cultivated so that I see not only what the child is now, but what the child can be, & encourage his becoming. This is to follow Christ, Who could always see the potential as well as the present response in persons. And no place is this more necessary to practice than in the family.
I Would Pay More Attention to Little Things
I am persuaded today that life is made glad or sad by little things. Little things make or break good relationships, strengthen or shatter a sense of oneness & love & make us considerate or rude. And if I were starting my family again I would seek to be more faithful in small things.
Especially with children, small things wear the garments of greatness. A man, now aged, reminisced about his childhood, "In my childhood days," he said, "my father & mother knew very grave hardship. Yet I recall how whole days of life in our home were glorified & even the hardships seemed light because of my father's graciousness.
"Often early in the morning my father would go out & find the most beautiful rosebud in the rose garden. He would place it at mother's place to greet her when she came to breakfast. It cost only a few moments of time & a heart full of love. But when he stepped behind her chair as she picked up the rose, & gave her his morning kiss, the whole day was glorified. Even the child who had gotten out of bed on the wrong side & came downstairs in a mood to quarrel felt ashamed because life had been touched by the beauty expressed in a small but gracious way."
The little acts of kindness & love have a power that we must never underestimate. Just the touch of the hand, a loving smile, a careful compliment, a close caress can work wonders. A little "thank you" has great reward. An offer to help, a small gift selected with care, can convey affection that warms the heart for weeks. The little words "I love you" & "I'm sorry" enrich both the giver & the receiver.
In paying more attention to little things I would seek to remove from my vocabulary such little phrases as "you always" & "you never". I know now that these are untrue, that they carry barbs & destroy initiative & drive persons apart.
I Would Seek to Develop Feelings of Belonging
If I were starting my family again I would seek to instill a strong sense of belonging. A child needs this, & if he does not feel that he belongs in the family & that loyalty & love flow to & from him there, he will very soon find his primary group elsewhere. When a sense of belonging is absent, a feeling of lostness & loneliness & lack of love pervades. But when a child feels he belongs in the family & is of real worth there, he enters the World strong, feeling loved & accepted & with the ability to love & accept others.
I remember times when we felt we really belonged together--the night we were almost blown away in our tent when a terrific storm came up; the early morning hours we searched the shores of Venice, Florida, for shark's teeth; the nights we lay under the open skies telling stories & the times we played ball together, cleaned the lawn together & joined in redoing a room for one of the family. We felt we belonged when we were needed to make something a success. We knew we belonged when we left on a trip or for school & we all prayed together or when we were told in a letter or a phone call, "Remember we all love you."
To develop a sense of belonging I would take more time at mealtimes to share experiences & happenings of the day. Yet too often in the family, mealtime, which ought to be relaxing & refreshing, is a hurried ritual from which we rush.
To develop a sense of belonging I'd seek to make bedtime one of the most delightful hours of the day. Bedtime can easily become a time of tenseness because all are tired. In response to the question, "What makes you feel you belong to your family?" a kindergarten child said, "My mother covers me up & kisses me when I go to bed at night." And a young fellow said, "The happiest & most meaningful moments of my boyhood were the times my mother read to us children before bedtime." I pity the child & family in which the children are hurried & spanked into bed. Bedtime is a great opportunity to build a loving feeling of belonging.
I would seek to make leisure time a time to sense we belong together. In a time of more leisure the danger is that each member of the family makes plans to go in different directions & find companions outside the family. I'd cultivate the art of being together & playing together.
I would seek to give my child a feeling of belonging by inviting him to become involved in the responsibilities & work of the family. One writer, in pointing out that even small children can do things for others, writes: "Work to them is sharing, a sense of belonging, a knowledge that they are individually needed & important to the welfare of the entire family unit."
I know now that it is an almost natural step for one knowing that he belongs to a loving, earthly family to the assurance that one belongs to a loving Heavenly Father & the family of God.
I Would Seek to Share God More Intimately
If I could begin my family again I would seek to share God more intimately with my children. By this I mean I would seek like Christ Himself, to choose the ordinary & special things of every day to illustrate the God we have & serve. And I place this desire in conclusion because it must somehow pervade & permeate all the former comments. George McDonald wrote to his wife, "My dearest, when I love God more I love you the way you ought to be loved." And I would add, the more I love God the more I love each member of my family & community the way each ought to be loved.
We are not whole persons when we only stress the physical, social & intellectual. We are spiritual beings. Our lives are linked to the God of Creation & He desires us to be at one with Him. When we rest in the confidence of His love & care, we can face life fearlessly & make the contribution we feel called to make.
In teaching my child the nature & Will of God I would strive to share my faith all day long. I would use the informal settings & unplanned happenings even more than the formal & planned.
A famous British schoolmaster was once asked: "Where, in your curriculum, do you teach religion?"
"We teach it all day long," assured the schoolmaster. "We teach it in arithmetic by accuracy...in language by learning to say what we mean...in history by humanity...geography by breadth of mind...handicraft by thoroughness...astronomy by reverence...in the playground by fair play. We teach it by kindness to animals, by courtesy to servants, by good manners to one another & by truthfulness in all things."
For the informal settings I would seek to suit my steps to the steps of my child. I'd seek more times to stroll by some stream, to pick my Father's flowers & to see the great Creator in the small as well as the great things of His Creation. Today I realise how quickly the child can sense the wonder of God's World--both the natural & spiritual. I would find more time to take sleeping bags in the Summer & lie, with my family beside me, under God's heaven & speak of the stars, listen to the noises of nature, the small sounds of unseen creatures.
I would seek to help my child think of God in terms of love, helpfulness, kindness, compassion for the wayward & the Giver of all good things. This is the God of the Scriptures. He is sometimes pictured, even by parents, as a dreadful Deity Who works against us.
A four-year-old boy was playing with his sister's mechanical dolls. His mother lay on the divan to take a nap. She was astonished to hear her son say in a thunderous voice, "I'm God. You kids get down on your knees & say your prayers." (They didn't.) "If you don't get down & say your prayers I'll knock you down," the little fellow said. Then there was a great swoop & all the dolls fell on the floor. What kind of trust & love can a child have in a God Who will knock you down if you don't say your prayers?
I would seek to recite a little history each day of God's leading in life. I would not try to answer every question about the greatness & the eternal nature of God. I'd rather let my child live in the wonder that there are some things so great about God that even the wisest have never known.
I know now that merely telling my child about God & teaching him a simple form of prayer is a poor substitute for leading him to know God.
I remember a little fellow, frightened by the lightning & thunder, who called out one dark night, "Daddy, come, I'm scared." "Oh, son," the father said, "God loves you & He'll take care of you." "I know God loves me & that He'll take care of me," the small son replied. "But right now, I want somebody who has skin on."
If I were starting my family again, that is what I would want to be above all else--God's Love with skin on.
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D.L. Moody on Salvation of Children
D.L. Moody is said to have once returned from a meeting with a report of "two-&-one-half conversions."
"I suppose you mean two adults & one child," said the man who was his host.
"No," said Mr. Moody, "I mean two children & one adult. You see, the children can give their whole lives, but the adult only had one half of his life to give."
How true this is! Suppose that Paul would have been converted at 70 instead of 25. There would have been no Paul in history. There was a Matthew Henry because he was converted at the age of 11, & not 70. There was a Jonathan Edwards because he was converted at 8 & not 80. And there was a Richard Baxter because he was converted at six instead of 60.
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If Sheep Are Lost
'Twas a sheep, not a lamb, that strayed away
In the parable Jesus told;
A grown-up sheep that had gone astray
From the ninety and nine in the fold;
Out on the hillside, out in the cold,
'Twas a sheep the Good Shepherd sought;
And back to the flock, safe in the fold,
'Twas a sheep the Good Shepherd brought.
And why for the sheep should we earnestly long,
And as earnestly hope and pray?
Because there is danger if they go wrong,
They will lead the lambs astray.
For the lambs will follow the sheep, you know,
Wherever the sheep may stray;
When the sheep go wrong, it will not be long
Till the lambs are as wrong as they.
And so with the sheep we earnestly plead,
For the sake of the lambs today;
If the lambs are lost, what terrible cost
Some sheep will have to pay!
Whose Delinquency?
We read in the papers,
We hear on the air
Of killing & stealing
And crime everywhere.
We sigh & we say,
"This generation,
Where will it end?"
But can we be sure
That it's their fault alone?
That maybe a part of it
Isn't also our own?
Kids don't make movies,
They don't write the books
That paint a gay picture
Of gangsters & crooks.
They don't make the liquor,
They don't run the bars,
They don't make the laws
And they don't buy cars.
They don't make the drugs
That addle the brain--
It's all done by older folks
Greedy for gain.
In far too many cases
We find this to be true--
The label "Delinquent"
Fits older folks, too!