LEADING A CHILD TO INDEPENDENCE--A Positive Approach to Raising Children Through the Teens--By Paul & Jeannie McKean with Maggie Bruehl
Independence--a word that inspires some to acts of courage & others to fearful trembling. I never really had thought about it, but after talking to others I became aware that independence can be a "red-letter" word, a flag word with strong emotional impact. Deep down in the hearts of many parents is the fear that independence will mean pain--pain of aloneness, separation, maybe even a tearing apart. They have visions of a prideful, haughty child yelling, "I'll do it my own way!" & then slamming the door behind him.
Independence will come, in one form or another, as a child matures into an adult. If nothing else, our government will grant independence by right of age. Every individual has an inherent drive to experience his own will. At some point, the child will carry the responsibilities of driving a car, earning a livelihood, paying taxes, voting etc. He also decides his own spiritual fate. Parents may have a huge influence, but the choices remain with the developed child.
The rights in the American Declaration of Independence include "Life, Liberty, & the pursuit of Happiness." We parents must keep these rights in mind as we grant independence to our children. It is the child's "Life," not ours. God was instrumental in using us in the creation & early training of the life, but ownership of the life is between the Creator & what He has created. We can love, protect, teach, correct & train to the best of our abilities, but the bottom line for the quality of life is up to the individual. In recognising this, we gain a tremendous amount of freedom as well as a balance in responsibility. As parents our responsibility is to be obedient before the Lord in what we do & say, but the final results are between the individual & God.
The right of "Liberty" implies freedom from the rules or regulations of another. While in the parents' home, the child is under the rules of the household. Often these rules are very similar to the parents' because values are the same, but it is important for the individual to sense that the rules are of his own initiative & not imposed by someone else.
The "pursuit of Happiness" is another right. It includes the rights of self-actualisation & self-determination. We laugh at stories of a father giving his 3-day-old son a baseball glove, but it's not so funny when we see a grown man pressured into a business or a career in which he has no interest. Every person has the right to determine & pursue his or her own value of happiness. After all, who can sense the feelings of happiness except the individual? Yet somehow parents seem tempted to feel they know what would make their children happy. They lament, "If only he had married so-&-so," or "I could have set him up with money." We need to realise that true happiness comes from more than a job or a mate; it comes from within the individual. Each of us is responsible for his or her own happiness.
When it comes to letting children go so they can enter the World as independent adults, parents sometimes err either on the side of caring too much, so that loss & fear cloud rational thinking, or of not caring enough to prepare the children adequately for their new responsibilities. Parental actions range from the extreme of giving independence casually, too early, to waiting so long that the child comes to a point of active rebellion.
Determining a Flight Path
So where do you start when you want to raise children who are independent?
For some time my husband & I had been familiar with making goals for our own lives; so it seemed natural to think about goals for our children's development. We began by trying to envision what we felt we wanted them to be like at age 18, the legal age when the government considers them "adults." In the process, we made a list of things we thought they should know. We covered almost everything--how to cook, budget, fix a flat tire, find a verse in the Bible, etc. We listed books they should read & housekeeping skills they needed to know. It seemed equally important to us that Tanya know basic mechanics & that Todd have a working knowledge of a kitchen. Trying to not limit ourselves by traditional roles, we systematically went through six different categories (financial, spiritual, social, physical, emotional, intellectual), thinking each through & getting a feel for what the children would need to know.
We developed what we called "planning weekends" in order to give ourselves the quality of time we needed to seek the Lord, to grow ourselves & to develop a plan. We looked for a neutral place away from work & home where both of us could be free to evaluate our lives & our children's lives without the distractions of daily living.
Personal Planning
On our first planning weekend, we took with us questions someone suggested we discuss regarding communication & personal growth. Before tackling the job of teaching our children, we needed to solidify the atmosphere in our home. We talked through crucial issues such as:
Do you feel your mate listens to what you say?
Does your mate have a tendency to say things which would be better left unsaid?
Is it sometimes difficult to understand your mate's feelings?
What would make understanding easier?
Does your mate try to lift your feelings when you're down or depressed? Does it help? Why or why not?
When a problem arises which needs to be resolved, do you feel you & your mate are able to discuss it together? If not, what hinders you?
Do you & your mate engage in individual interests?
Do you & your mate enjoy common interests other than the home & the children?
Do you & your mate take time to relax & dream together?
Including the Children
After working together on our own communication, we looked at how our children fit into our personal plans. We saw that in reality we would have our children for only 18 years out of the 95 years we planned to live. This meant only 1/5 of our lives would be centered around the children. However, we saw this 1/5 section as the greatest responsibility of our entire lives.
So how did children fit into our purpose before God? First of all, it was obvious to us they were our number one disciples. God had given these special ones to us to pour our lives into not just an hour once a week, but 24 hours a day, every day. We had the opportunity to help them, admonish them & teach them, from every area of our lives to every area of theirs.
So what kind of priority were we going to give our children in our lives? We committed ourselves to work week by week, looking at our schedules, deciding where we could include our children as our priority.
Tanya was ten & Todd eight when we started this process. We were facing at least ten years of commitment to our children.
The next part of our planning included an evaluation of our children individually to see where they were in their development at that particular time. We asked ourselves two questions: (1) What are their strengths & weaknesses? & (2) How do they need to be developed? As I mentioned before, we viewed them from the vantage point of six areas of development: Spiritual, physical, intellectual, social, emotional & financial.
Planning Spiritually
The first area was spiritual development. We listed the children's strengths & weaknesses as well as their spiritual interests. We asked ourselves such questions as:
What is their personal commitment to Jesus Christ?
Do they have a Biblical foundation for basic principles of living?
What is their prayer life like?
What is their concern for non-Christian friends?
Planning Physically
The next area for evaluation was physical. As all areas of development are intertwined, obviously a spiritually aware soul or a brilliant mind would be seriously handicapped if housed in a feeble body. We asked ourselves some questions about our children, such as:
Are they growing physically at a normal rate?
Are they healthy, or do they suffer from an abnormal amount of illness?
How coordinated are they?
Do they make wise choices in eating the right foods?
Are they aware of principles of cleanliness?
Planning Intellectually
It is not solely knowledge or ignorance which is good or evil, but the application of them that leads to good or evil. We didn't want to develop individuals with brains but without hearts. We wanted to develop our children's intellects to the fullest while at the same time building their wisdom. With that goal in mind, we looked at the children's development & asked ourselves questions like:
Are they curious about & interested in the World around them?
Are they excited about learning?
How are their communication skills developing? Are they able to communicate exactly what they mean?
Are they achieving in school?
Are they able to apply what they have learned?
Proverbs 2:6 reminds us, "For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth comes knowledge & understanding."
Planning Socially
We wanted our children to grow up with balanced social lives. We wanted them to be liked & yet to have the social skills to disagree tactfully when necessary. We also wanted them to feel confident in new situations. Since basic relationships & social skills begin at home, we asked ourselves questions such as:
How is their communication at home? Do they express themselves freely, yet with sensitivity?
Are they obedient & responsive to correction?
Do they creatively seek out ways to be helpful to their parents? To other siblings?
After looking at our children's relationships at home, we then evaluated their relationships outside the home.
What are their relationships with their peers? Does each have many friends or just one or two?
Do they show appreciation of others?
Are they able to relate to adults & children as well as peers?
Are they respectful of authority?
What are their manners like?
What are their responses to peer pressure?
Planning Emotionally
Our emotions are the grid through which we view life's experiences. We felt that the emotional area, although hard to evaluate because of its subjectivity, was one of the important areas needed to equip our children. We asked ourselves questions such as:
How are our children doing in the area of self-image?
What are their general dispositions?
Are they easy to get along with?
Are they adaptable to new situations?
How do they handle fear? Depression?
Planning Financially
The last area of development we examined was financial. Our children had had little experience in the basics of money management. We asked ourselves questions such as:
Do they know how to count money?
Do they know how to use their money?
Do they know which kinds of purchases are wise & which are not?
Do they know how to set up & use a budget?
Do they know how to save?
Do they know how to work in order to earn money?
Have they worked on jobs in the home?
Do they know what it means to give God 1/10 of their money?
Are they generous to others?
Executing the Perfect Takeoff
After evaluating where we were & where the children were, Paul & I saw we needed a plan to carry us from the real to the ideal. Here were two children who had a lot to learn, being tutored by two adults who felt totally unprepared for the job. But as we analysed our situation, we began to see we had more resources than we originally thought.
Most of our resources were subconscious. For example, my friend's 7-year-old boy cut himself yesterday. His mother immediately assessed the situation, evaluating how much blood he was losing, how dirty the wound was, how deep the cut ran, & what serious danger, if any, was involved. She did all this amid the boy's hysterical screaming. Then she brought to bear the resources which could help, ie. pressure, soap & water, antiseptic, & bandages. Had it been necessary, she would have called a doctor to stitch the wound. Now I don't know who sat down & taught her all of that procedure, but somehow she learned it. The trick will be passing on her knowledge to her son, so when he is older & on his own he will know how to assess his own hurts & bring resources to bear on them.
Looking at the goal before us, we mapped out the steps we thought the children needed to take to get from where they were to where they should be--not only independent, but excited & confident about life. In some cases, we could take what seemed to come naturally to us & transfer it into activities we taught our children. In other situations, we realised we needed to gain new skills in order to give the children the background they needed.
As we looked at each of the six areas of development, we felt that although each child had different needs, there were some basic skills each should have. Some children, because of their personalities or previous experience, know more than others. Therefore parents must assess each child, without relying on assumptions, & discover where to begin in their action points. If a child is a teen or pre-teen, the action points may be more advanced than for a younger child who needs to review the basics. I know one mother who tactfully taught her 13-year-old daughter how to wash her face when she seemed to be having a hard time with blemishes. It is easy to make assumptions as to what children should know by certain ages, but it's important to look at what they actually do know & practice daily.
Obviously, the way in which parents communicate a new plan of action is vital. It can be presented in a positive or negative manner, & the child's ability to receive & accept the plan will be just as positive or negative as its presentation. The idea that "attitudes are caught & not taught" is as true in this setting as any other in life.
Your children need to see your excitement about their potential. Self-image is a major stumbling block today of teenagers as well as adults. If you present your plan as "how to build your self-esteem" rather than "how to keep from failing," your children will receive it as such. They need to see that because they are so valuable to you & to God, you care enough to give them the best.
The next few sections contain some of the elements we saw as important in teaching our children to be independent. The list certainly is not complete. We want to encourage you to use it not as an authority, but as a jumping-off point to develop your own criteria uniquely fitting your child & your standards. Don't be discouraged if you're not able to accomplish every little detail of your plan. Instead, just realise that whatever you do in this direction will encourage development in your child which probably would not occur by happenstance. (These sections are summarised in a chart at the end of this book summary, & include worksheets which you can use to guide your children to their independence.)
Spiritual Development
Spiritual--of or pertaining to God or to the soul as acted upon by the Holy Spirit. (Webster's New World Dictionary)
The first area we considered in the development of our children was spiritual, because as my husband Paul commented, "It is the center of all we are & all we are to become." We could train the children in all the basics of living; but without the Lord as their center, their lives would join others who have gone before them, successful in the ways of men but empty & meaningless in light of eternity.
We did not want children who simply could recite verses, but ones who had convictions deeply etched in their own personal experiences.
We wanted our children to be healthy in the Lord, which meant we needed to teach them how to feed themselves. We started by setting them up with notebooks they could use like diaries. During our family times we took portions of Scripture & studied them together.
As the children grew, so did the depth of our studies. We investigated different systems & techniques of Bible study. One of our basic forms was to:
1) list chapters by topic
2) select key verses
3) list principles to draw from
4) give examples from our own lives of how these principles could be or were being used.
We also felt it was important for Todd & Tanya to learn how to use basic Bible tools to augment their studies. During our family times we taught them how to use dictionaries, Bible dictionaries, concordances, cross-references, maps, topical Bibles & various translations of the Bible, meshing them all together into a practical study.
From the basis of knowing the "how-to's" of studying the Bible, we felt the children needed to develop a lifestyle of meeting with the Lord. A "quiet time" is spent alone with the Lord for the purpose of fellowshipping with Him. It contains the same elements as any relationship: Listening, talking, confessing failures, sharing successes, praising, thanking, making plans, sharing events of the days past, present or future--the list goes on. It is not simply a time of Bible study or prayer, although both may be parts of a quiet time. But most of all, a quiet time gives a sense of having been with God & having acknowledged Him as our foremost relationship of the day & an intimate part of our lives.
First, help him or her find a quiet place to be alone undistracted with the Lord. Second, make sure the child has a Bible he or she can easily read & understand. Third, provide a notebook & pencil for recording quiet-time thoughts.
In the beginning the children's insights were quite simple. We encouraged them to spend five minutes reading & writing down any observations or applications they made. We often shared those insights during our family time & encouraged one another in our relationship with the Lord. We wanted to help each child develop into a person who:
Has a general working knowledge of Scripture. We began by learning, with the children, the books of the Bible & where they are found. From there we worked on a basic knowledge of what each book is about & the general theme of the book . Later we learned the major divisions of Scripture (ie. Pentateuch, history, poetry, etc), when they were written & their chronological order, historical background & authorship.
Is developing as a person of faith. As in most spiritual education, Paul & I realised the kindergarten of faith was held at home. Our children needed to see us seeking the Lord, memorising His Word & obediently trusting Him through our actions.
In order to claim God's promises, we have to know God's promises & at any appropriate time must be able to bring them to our minds. That's why we felt it was important that our children "treasure in their hearts" God's Word. We initiated a memorisation program.
Has a strong concept of who God is. In order to trust God, children must know who God is. We also taught the children about the character of God through nature. We all love to hike & camp, & we always have spent as much time as we could outdoors. But Paul & I knew it was not enough for our children to know God's attributes or see them in nature; they also needed to experience them in their own lives.
Besides our own influence, Paul & I exposed our children to other influences that would reinforce positive self-image. Quite honestly, any person who was negative & hostile didn't spend much time around our children.
I have a teacher friend who begins every day with a list of the children in her class, then checks off each name after she has found some way to encourage & bolster that child. Every child receives some kind of encouragement every day. I can't help thinking that if we as parents made it our goal to encourage our children daily to become who God has created them to be, our World would be vastly different.
Is consistently growing in spiritual honesty & openness. Paul & I have talked at length with the children about our walks with the Lord. As Todd & Tanya have seen us confess our sins to the Lord & to others, they have been more open to confessing their own. Through our patient modeling & encouragement, our children have been quite open about their struggles. Together we have sought the Lord & have seen Him win real victories in their lives.
Is committed to prayer. Prayer is simply talking to God, & we wanted our children to be as comfortable talking to Him as they were in talking to us. We realised that much of what is taught about prayer is not true communication, but rote memory. I'll never forget the time our 3-year-old Todd bowed his head to lead the family in prayer over dinner & mumbled, "Now I lay me down to sleep..." He wasn't half as embarrassed as I was. I knew then & there we needed to work on our communication skills.
We wanted our children to know, too, that God has an open-door policy. He never sleeps, & He never locks the door because He is too busy. In fact, He longs to "give us the desires of our hearts."
We also showed the children what the Bible says about prayer & their relationship with God. We looked at Jesus' prayer life & His relationship with the Father. We set up a prayer notebook for each child. The principle was to have them record each prayer request & the date they prayed for it. Another column had space for the answers from the Lord & the dates they were received. We wanted the children to be aware of what they were asking for, to ask specifically, & to rejoice with the Lord over answered prayer. We also knew the prayer notebooks would serve as a record of God's faithfulness.
Physical Development
The physical is an area which seems so obvious it's often overlooked. After all, everyone has a body in one form or another, & it usually functions reasonably well. We usually take bodies for granted until something happens to make them not quite so reliable.
But bodies are never reliable for teenagers. Their bodies are in constant change. Their legs grow too long for their pants. Their faces sprout pimples. They never know what they will face when they wake up in the morning. There may be a little stubble or no stubble at all, either of which can be embarrassing. And for a girl, there is the fear of forever being flat chested.
One of the best things we can do for our growing children is to recognise that this area which we take so much for granted is a whole new ball game for them.
The following elements are ones Paul & I thought our children should grasp as they entered adult life:
Accepts his physical self as a gift from God. So much is made of physical beauty in our society that life is rather difficult for those of us who are slightly less than perfect. Children love to pick on other children different from themselves. It's not funny to the victim. He hurts. The sad part is, the children doing the teasing hurt too because they see their own imperfections & are scared to death someone will notice them.
That is why children must understand that God was in control when they were made. Psalm 139 says, "For Thou didst form my inward parts: Thou didst weave me in my mother's womb...My frame was not hidden from Thee, when I was made in secret, & skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth."
Helping Todd & Tanya gain & keep healthy physical attitudes has not been an easy job, & Paul & I still have to work at it from time to time. It's hard for teens not to compare themselves--often unfavourably--with others of their age group.
Understands & practices personal hygiene. This section may seem so basic it may be almost embarrassing; but again, remember that being adults & taking on adult responsibilities is a new experience for our children.
By definition hygiene is a "system of principles for the preservation of health & prevention of disease." More simply, it is the care of the body. The main issue is cleanliness. Individuals usually have their own standards of cleanliness, which vary from family to family, culture to culture. What seems important to one person may seem ridiculous to another. It's important for you as a parent to analyse what you subconsciously do to care for your body & to communicate those practices to your children.
We all know that the curse of the teenage years is blemishes, which can ruin a teen's self-image. Therefore teens should know what causes blemishes, how to wash their faces, how diet affects their oil production, etc. But most of all, teens need to accept blemishes as a fact of life.
Both bathing & dental care, while not so visible as skin care, are important to growing teens. With increased activities such as dance & sports, teenagers need to adjust their habits. They also need to begin using good deodorants.
Sometimes working with a boy on personal hygiene is more difficult than working with a girl. Girls seem to be more intrinsically motivated by how they look & dress than guys.
Maintains proper weight for his age. From the doctor's chart we discovered the ideal weight for each child based on age, height & build. Then we talked about good nutrition & what is necessary in order to lose or gain weight. I tried to set a good example for them in the meals & snacks I prepared. Paul & I also encouraged the children to exercise.
Keeps a regular physical fitness program. A regular exercise program is good not only for weight control, but for improving strength & endurance & increasing potential in other areas of life.
Maintains a good diet. "What goes in must come out"; very simply, if you put "junk food" in, then "junk" will come out. Very early, Paul & I wanted our children to understand good nutrition. Like most American families, our biggest battle was with sugar. We tried to set an example at home of making wise nutritional decisions, of learning how to choose from different food groups & of varying menus to avoid eating just a few kinds of food.
Has at least one sport he is confident in. Being good at a sport or some kind of physical activity not only builds our bodies but develops us emotionally. When our children reached the age of ten, we encouraged them to take up any sport they wanted to try in order to see what they enjoyed. Tanya went out for soccer, track & bicycling; Todd enjoyed soccer & baseball.
Has regular checkups. Caring for the body is not a "do-it-yourself" job but often needs the assistance of experts. We made it a priority in our schedule to have dental visits twice a year & eye exams every two years.
Maintains a good appearance. As we said before, appearance is not everything, but it often gives the first impression others have of us. Therefore it is important that our appearance reflect what is inside us.
Tanya & I had a great time learning together in this area. We also tried to include Tanya's friends in much of what we did. I remember when we had a cosmetics party in our home. Tanya, then in the 9th grade, invited some of her classmates & friends. We had a great time eating popcorn & learning about different skin types & how to work with them.
Boys don't seem to be as concerned as the girls about appearance, but don't let them fool you. Just try to get a boy to wear an outdated haircut & watch his reaction! Rather than emphasising attractiveness, talk with your son about "appropriate" looks or "fitting in" with others. Right now it is important to him to "fit in" with his group, but he needs to be aware that there are certain standards of appearance he needs in order to impress a coach, get a job or win the girl of his dreams.
Dressing appropriately is important for both guys & girls.
Real beauty is on the inside of the person rather than the outside. 1Peter 2:4 tells us it's "the hidden person of the heart," not the "braiding of the hair, & wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses," which is attractive to God & others. The outside should simply be a reflection of what the Lord has put inside. If the outside is a mess, other people will not be attracted to us or curious about the "hidden person" inside.
Has a Biblical perspective on sex. Paul & I wanted our children to have a Biblical perspective on sex. God looked down on the human body & saw it was "good;" so He commanded Adam & Eve to "be fruitful & multiply." He also commanded them to leave others & "cleave" to each other. They enjoyed such intimacy that even though they were naked, they were not ashamed.
We wanted children who would not be ashamed of sex, but would be free to enjoy all God has given them in this life. We also wanted children who respected God's gift of sexuality & determined personally to use it for the glory of God rather than for selfish gain. Sex, like anything else in this World, can be used for good or for evil. I don't want to go into a detailed explanation of the Biblical perspective of sex except to say it is beautiful.
Intellectual Development
Just as a person cannot function without a body, his contribution to life is limited by his intellectual development. Unfortunately, humans tend to glorify what has been created rather than the Creator, patting themselves on the backs for discovering what God already knew, & teaching their children to do likewise. The challenge of the intellectual development of children by Christian parents lies in teaching them to be "in the World but not of the World."
Christian parents face the constant challenge of intellectual balance. We want our children to be exposed to the World & its knowledge, but we also want them to realise a person is far more than what he knows. He is also what he feels, believes, enjoys & does. Parents must be careful not to allow the child's self-image to become entangled with grades, but to encourage development in all the areas, each area supporting the others.
Has working knowledge of basic academic skills. We strongly believe in the importance of reading, writing & arithmetic. Without understanding in these areas, a child is often needlessly handicapped for life. We needed to know our children's proficiency & to provide special help if needed. More & more we hear of students who somehow get to college without reading beyond a fourth-grade level.
We gave our children full freedom in their choice of books from a reading list we provided & encouraged them as they checked off books read. We tried to pace them at four a year, but they enjoyed the first year's reading so much they surpassed their quota.
Has a general grasp of World history & current events. A study of history teaches much about life & living. Paul & I both enjoy history & have done quite a bit of travelling. We have taken the children with us when possible, helping them to see history not just as events that happened a long time ago, but as factors that have made a particular country or part of a country what it is today.
But the most benefit has come from talking through the impact of World events, past, present & future. As we travelled we tried to relate what we saw to what the children had learned in their studies.
Paul & I discussed current national & World affairs with the children. We live in a fast-paced World, & in order to make intelligent decisions one must grasp what is going on. That means we as parents must take the time to keep ourselves informed. We talked to the children about political issues, helping them understand the history behind the issues & the impact they will have on the future.
Knows how to find needed information. Obviously, a person cannot know everything about everything, but he can look like he does if he knows how to obtain the information.
The library became our second home when our children were little. We have shown them how to use the card catalog & reference sections. We have shown them the various dictionaries & encyclopedias & thesauruses which can help in expanding their vocabularies. We also have shown them how to gather more recent information from periodicals. Some libraries even have listening rooms with records, films & videos available.
We also felt the children should have a good grasp on the thought process involved in doing research as well as the mechanics of finding information. They need to realise that although they may feel ignorant about a subject, they have access to more information.
Know how machines work. Paul & I felt our children needed some basic information in how machines work. Although they might never need the expertise to create or repair machines, they did need to know the principles of basic maintenance. In other words, they needed to know enough to decide whether a leaky sink needed a plumber or could be fixed easily using some basic knowledge.
Knows how to drive. The responsibilities of driving are probably among the first adult responsibilities children will have. They need their parents' help in accepting these responsibilities & handling them maturely. We had our children take driver's education in school to establish their basic knowledge & skills & to give us a break on insurance.
Since car responsibilities do not end with road skills, we also had the opportunity to teach finances, maintenance & moral responsibility. Both children were responsible for their own gas money, insurance payments & basic maintenance of the cars.
Has a practical knowledge of general skills. General skills may or may not get anyone a job, but they are necessary for successful daily living. Paul & I felt both Tanya & Todd needed basic cooking, washing, ironing, sewing & household repair skills, as well as the ability to care for their tools. We have worked on these skills with both children, boy & girl, so that when they move away to college or into the working World, they will know how to take care of themselves.
Tanya, who has been at college this past year, has been flabbergasted by the number of students at school who don't know how to wash their clothes, clean their rooms, coordinate outfits or sew buttons on. She has seen their embarrassment & fear of new situations. These poor kids may be whizzes in geography, but they feel like failures in the little things of life.
In taking care of ourselves & our belongings, we need to remember that all we have comes from the Lord. We are responsible for wise use of all we own; we call this the principle of stewardship. Stewardship relates to everything we possess--time, talents & material goods. Knowing how to fix something is useless if you can't find your tools or if you don't set aside enough time in your schedule to do the work. Stewardship involves being responsible to the Lord for all He has given us.
We have added a few more skills to the list as time has gone on. We wanted both the children to know how to put a balanced meal together & how to shop. I know it took me awhile to figure out how to buy a ripe cantaloupe & what kind of lettuce was best; I wanted to save my kids from eating sour fruit.
Is developing creatively. Creativity is really a thought process--the ability to look at a situation & develop a plan for working it out.
Paul & I wanted our children to know the joy of creation. Tanya did not really enjoy needle crafts, but she became competent enough to know she could do them when she wanted to. What she did enjoy was creating beautiful photo albums. Todd worked more in the areas of carpentry & electrical design. I can remember his first go-cart. It looked more like a collapsed wagon; but he was proud of it, especially after Paul gave him a few suggestions for its improvement. Todd really likes fixing things, using his creative abilities to solve problems.
Is teachable. The teachable person is open-minded to new ideas & thought processes. I love the Chinese proverb, "Mind like umbrella. If not open, doesn't work." A close-minded person soon begins to die intellectually.
At the same time, we wanted our children to be able to discern what knowledge coincides with Scripture or has intellectual validity. Much of the information which floats around & is presented as truth is really only speculation. Children need to know which information to accept openly & which to reject.
Knows & uses principles of management. Along with intellectual knowledge, we felt our children needed an understanding of basic management principles. We live in a fast-paced World where time & organisation count, & those who do not manage time & effort wisely fall behind. They needed to develop good study & work habits as forerunners to the discipline needed later in their chosen career fields.
Just buying the children their own alarm clocks helped them to schedule their time independently. We showed them our filing system & encouraged them to keep track of their own personal papers. There are many creative ideas for helping your children develop management skills.
Has a sense of ethics. Paul & I wanted our children not only to have knowledge but to have a code of ethics--a standard of conduct & moral judgement--to which knowledge could be applied. We wanted a part of the children's code to be based on the simple question, "What would Jesus do in this situation?"
Another line of questioning we taught the children to use was, "Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?" Whenever we were tempted to use our knowledge to cut people down rather than build up, we just reminded ourselves of this little series of questions.
Social Development
According to Webster's Dictionary, society is a "community of related, interdependent individuals." Very simply stated, society is relationships. But how we handle those relationships is our choice--& not an easy choice.
We wanted children who were motivated by the Lord in their relationships. We wanted them to feel confident in social situations & make others comfortable too. We wanted them to act responsibly in the decisions made by society. But most of all, we wanted them to reflect the Lord as they related to others.
Understands the Biblical motivation for relationships. As one becomes more secure in his relationship with God, he is freed in his relationships with others. We wanted our children first to be secure in their relationship with the Lord, then to be secure in their relationships within the family.
We wanted our children to develop in their relationships with their peers. Interaction with people their own age was an important step in handling rejection & peer pressure. We wanted children who could feel comfortable in any group of people solely because of who they knew they were. We encouraged our children daily to get along with others & to enjoy relationships as God intended, yet to stand firm in the things they knew were true. I love the way the apostle Paul expressed it in Romans 12:18, "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men."
Has taken responsibility, as a part of society, for its actions. Just as an individual must take responsibility for personal actions, a group of individuals must also accept responsibility for its corporate actions. This is true not only in government, but in every group to which we attach ourselves.
When a young person hangs out on a street corner with a gang, he assumes responsibility for the actions of that gang; if the gang is caught stealing, although he may not touch the stolen goods, he is a part of their decision to commit the act.
I am amazed at how few children understand this simple principle. Somehow they feel that if they stand in the background, watching some childish prank but not initiating it, they will be absolved of all responsibility. But when I see that these children's role-models are adults who know of violent crimes but are afraid to "get involved," or who gripe about "government rip-offs" but don't bother to vote, I know why the children feel as they do. The products are passive, apathetic children who grow into passive, apathetic adults & form a passive, apathetic government. This often results in a few activists taking control while the rest look on in a daze, mumbling, "What has happened to our World?"
Is confident in the role of host, hostess or guest. Part of relating to others is knowing how to create an atmosphere which will meet a need in another person's life. For example, if I know a young missionary who is looking for financial support, I might arrange a formal dinner party for friends who would be in a position to help him. I assess the need & think how I can meet it.
Children need to learn similar skills. Tanya once gave a surprise party for a friend who was feeling exceptionally lonely. Another time, when one of her friends was struggling with family problems & needed someone to talk to, Tanya invited her to spend the night.
Paul & I wanted our children to feel comfortable as guests. They needed the social skills to be able to respond to invitations graciously &, if unable to attend, to communicate their appreciation for the invitations. They also needed to know how to respond to their host, to help if it is appropriate, to be served or honoured by others, & to communicate appreciation afterwards either verbally or by note.
Todd & Tanya also needed to know what is "socially acceptable" in various circles. Singing "The Ol' Grey Mare" might be fun around a campfire but inappropriate at a retirement dinner. They also needed to be confident in the use of eating utensils & table manners. We went through practice formal dinners at home with a fully array of silverware, crystal & china. We knew habits like elbows on the table & slurping soup had to be dealt with at home before they spread to other places.
Knows common etiquette & courtesies. Opening a door for a woman or seating her at the table is fast becoming a lost art in this day of "women's rights." But what most people don't realise is that they are stripping away an honour, not an insult. Scripture encourages us over & over to honour others--mothers & fathers, fellow believers, husbands & wives, employers & rulers. Peter sums it by saying, "Honour all men; love the brotherhood, fear God, honour the king."
We wanted our children to know & practice common courtesies. I encourage you to sit down & make your own list of the things you feel your children should know & practice.
As teens begin dating relationships, they need help in social courtesies. Their tendency is to want to look "cool". Young people need to act with a certain amount of respect; & this respect must be developed as a way of life, not as a performance. We have talked at length with our children on how to call for a date, how to accept or reject a date graciously yet truthfully, how to accept rejection & listen objectively to the reasons, how to pursue tactfully & when to quit pursuing. We have also talked about & lived through breakups & have learned to handle them with respect.
Is confident in making introductions. Getting to know people is often awkward, & the use of social courtesies makes it a little easier. One key to introductions is to find some interests the two persons have in common. For example, Tanya could say, "Mom, I want you to meet my roommate, Carol. Carol, I'd like you to meet my mother. Mom, did you know Carol's parents are missionaries in the Philippines? My mom was in the Philippines last summer." From there the conversations can flow. If you can remember that introductions are the beginnings of relationships, you can keep from reciting formulas & can help meet needs.
Teens, in their desire to be creative, find the wildest ways to answer the phone! You never know if they'll grunt, "Huh?" or quip, "Joe's Bar & Grill." Without putting down their creativity, you must teach them common phone etiquette.
We trained our children to receive calls, take messages, make calls, handle wrong numbers, reject obscene phone calls, & renew bad connections. We also taught them how to handle sales & nuisance calls.
Is able to relate to various age groups. Paul & I wanted our children to have respect for life & for people in each stage in it. We felt it was important that they be as comfortable in a nursing home as in a nursery school. People are people, & as such they have needs in common.
I remember the first time Tanya went with her youth group to a nursing home. She was just petrified; she didn't know what she would say to the "old ladies." But by the time the visit was over, Tanya didn't even want to leave.
Puts others at ease because he is at ease. We wanted children who could put others at ease because of their self-confidence & their ability to handle social situations. Wherever we have gone, we have tried to include the children as if they were adults. We never talked down to them with "baby talk," but communicated respectfully with them on their level. As Tanya & Todd grew older it was not difficult for them to make the transition to adult social settings, because they had been there before & knew what to expect.
Emotional Development
A person is far more than a body or a brain--more than who he knows or what she accomplishes. The essence of a person is what he or she feels. The Bible tells us, "As he thinketh in his heart, so is he."
Paul & I wanted our children to be free in their emotions. We wanted them to be able to express themselves to others, to receive & to be received by others. We wanted Todd & Tanya not to deny their emotions, but to use them in their walk with the Lord.
Has a sense of significance as a person. Our children need to develop a sense of who they are & learn to love & accept that individual. The denial of emotions is a disease running rampant in our country. Christ never intended for us to deny who He created us to be. Instead He desires that we give ourselves to Him as a "living & holy sacrifice, acceptable to God." But somehow when we think of our emotions, we feel terribly unacceptable to Him.
Self-acceptance involves acceptance of all of ourselves, not just the parts we like. This includes accepting our emotions as well. As we meet our children's needs, we model to them a good God who wants to meet their needs. But if children live in fear that their needs won't be met--if they are told to "be quiet & go away"--they will do just that & will take their emotional needs with them.
Even when the children were babies, we told them of God's Love. As they got older, we taught them songs & verses about God's care for them. When the children were old enough to study, we all learned together of God's Love & acceptance. We memorised verses which became part of Tanya & Todd's thinking.
Has a sense of belonging. Very closely associated with self-image is a sense of belonging. We realised being part of a family is very important to a child. In fact, this never ceases to be important even when the child has grown. In order to develop a sense of family, Paul & I worked hard to build memories & establish family traditions. We put Sunday afternoons aside as our family times. We also created picture albums to remind us of our times together. One of Tanya's favourite pastimes when she comes home from college is to drag out the albums & go through them one by one.
Even if we hadn't developed a sense of family with our children, they now belong to a greater family--the family of God. We encouraged Todd & Tanya to get to know their "brothers & sisters" & to include them in their circle of love.
Is accepting of others. Jesus tells us to "love your neighbour as yourself." If we are able to look past our own faults & give ourselves room to grow, it is much easier to look past the faults of others & allow them to grow.
Is able to make decisions. The better one knows oneself, the easier it is to make decisions. The decision-making process is always difficult because it involves risk no matter which direction we go.
We encouraged our children, first of all, to pray for the wisdom & guidance of God. Second, they were to make lists of all the pros & cons for each of their alternatives. Their pros & cons were not just to be intellectual, but also were to reflect their feelings on the alternatives. They were to mark those which had special emotional weight. Usually, through this process, one alternative came out ahead of others; & at that point, as difficult as it may have been for them, they made their decisions. Then they told the Lord they felt they had chosen wisely but knew He was big enough to close the door if they were not in His will. Then they moved out in faith.
Understands, makes & carries through on commitments. Closely related to decision-making is the making of commitments. Americans today are very weak in making commitments. They seem hesitant to back political parties, fight for causes, or even get married. They're afraid of being disappointed, of feeling betrayed when their causes or their champions fail. That's why it's important to think realistically about all aspects of a situation before becoming involved. Once we have made commitments, however, we need the discipline to stay with them.
Is able to have fun & enjoy life. Life should also include commitments to ourselves to have fun. The Bible tells us, "A cheerful heart does good like medicine." Enjoyment is different things to different people. Tanya likes talking with a friend or biking, while Todd prefers soccer or downhill skiing. What is important is that both children are free to enjoy what gives them pleasure rather than being tied up in the expectations of others.
Is able to communicate his feelings to others. One of the biggest needs in a teen's life is to be heard. As they struggle for equality, they want a vote in the World around them. The problem is often they lack maturity & wisdom in what to say & how to say it. In other words, the things they say sound dumb.
A wise parent needs to look past what the child is saying to why he or she is saying it. We also need to help our children learn that communicating includes both expressing & listening to what others say. Teens need to understand that often others have unexpressed emotional motives, & it does help to try to see through the words to the feelings. For example, when a parent refuses to give a teen permission to go on a ski trip over Thanksgiving, the teen may assume it's because the parent doesn't trust him or her. However, the decision may be more motivated by the parent's desire for family unity & togetherness. Realising hidden conversations can make handling the real issues far easier.
As a family, we talk a lot. We use the dinner table as one of our major clearing houses. We also try to spend time with the children each night. We ask questions & share our own daily joys & frustrations. Some of the questions we commonly use are:
What have you been thinking about lately?
How do you feel about it?
What was the hardest thing you had to handle today?
What did you enjoy about your class (friend, etc.)?
What relationship was stressful for you today? How did you handle it?
If they are open to suggestions, we make them; but mainly we want to let them know that what they have to say is important to us.
Is able to give emotionally to others. One of the things Paul & I have helped our children learn is how to share with others the way to experience a personal relationship with God. We have stressed to them that the Lord desires to use our arms to reach out to others with His Love. People don't just want to hear verses but they also want to see demonstrated in others what God offers.
Is able to handle emotionally difficult situations. When life is darkest, we need to draw on the strength which has been building during easier times.
One thing we have taught our children is to identify their feelings & accept them as a part of life. For instance, after losing a job, it would be natural to feel let down, angry & defensive. Unless those feelings are acknowledged, they will fester into bitterness & depression. But we need to go beyond those natural feelings to other things we know are true. For instance, I might say, "I know I am not a failure & that God must have something else in mind for me. I also know the boss has faults which might have led to my being fired. I need to recognise my own faults & the effect they had on my work." From there we need to move on, wiser & encouraged.
Financial Development
"He who is faithful in little is faithful also in much."--Luk.16:10.
We wanted children who were free from the love of money, free to pursue whatever directions the Lord had for them without being bound by the dollar. We also wanted children who were willing to trust God to meet all their needs & who would be faithful with the financial responsibilities the Lord would give them. In this materialistic World, we knew we were going against the grain; so we developed our action points carefully.
Has a Biblical perspective of finances. Sometimes we tend to limit God's realm to the spiritual aspects of life & forget His omnipresence in everyday living. However, the Bible has much to say about finances--what we have & don't have, & how we should use what we have.
First, we need to recognise that everything we have comes from God. He gives us the capacity to earn money. Recognising our finances as from the Lord also produces a sense of gratitude.
Second, in the Bible God has provided principles for the use of money. There are too many principles for me to go into them in detail, but one example is in Proverbs 27:23,24, where God encourages us to, "Know well the condition of your flocks, & pay attention to your herds; for riches are not forever, nor does a crown endure to all generations." God also tells us to "calculate the cost" when beginning a project because "otherwise, when he has laid a foundation & is not able to finish, all who observe it begin to ridicule him saying, `This man began to build & was not able to finish.'" Both of these principles the World recognises as sound money management.
Third, the Bible warns us about the emotional impact of money. Like the "desires of the flesh" in the physical realm, the "desire of the eyes" (the desire to have what we see) in the financial realm can have a powerful impact on our decisions. Instead, God encourages us to "seek first His Kingdom & His righteousness; & all these things shall be added to you."
Last, there is the spiritual principle of tithing, which is our response in accepting God's authority in our finances. In Malachi 3:10 we are told to "bring the whole tithe into the storehouse" & God will "open for you the windows of Heaven & pour out such a blessing that there shall not be room enough to hold it."
Has a giving heart. After experiencing all that God has given to us, not only monetarily but personally, our response should be a desire to give to Him & to others. There is a difference between tithing & giving: Tithing is what the Lord has asked for from our income; giving is what we offer, over & beyond the tithe.
We encouraged our children to do one worthwhile selfless giving project each year. One year they provided Christmas presents for a family who didn't have resources for gifts. Another time Tanya & Todd joined with others to provide presents for battered wives & their children. They also have supported missionaries.
Knows how to work. Instead of a work ethic, children seem to have the goal of seeing what they can get away with in life. Instead of pursuing excellence, they want to see how much they can get for the least amount of effort.
Yet I see people personally dissatisfied with their careers, complaining about having "just a job." Few have personal goals, & those who do, measure them in dollars. It seems success in the World's eye is defined by the amount of money one possesses. But success should be measured by the personal satisfaction of knowing one is honouring the Lord with his labour. In some ways, this satisfaction is similar to the joy of giving.
Often we become negative about work & look at it as a necessary evil. Our children pick up our attitudes. If we grumble on our way to work, they will grumble as they take out the garbage. If we punish them with extra chores, then they will view work as negative. But if we praise them for jobs well done, show them how much we are enjoying their products & affirm the prices they had to pay to produce them, then they can even overlook the temporary pain of their work.
Understand how to manage finances. Handling the money we have earned is called budgeting. We felt it was important that our children learn to decide in advance what to do with their money rather than having to figure out later where it had all gone.
We taught the children to use a simple budget of 10% tithe, 10% savings & 80% living expenses.
By learning to budget, children become aware of the value of money & the responsibilities of life. I can remember Todd's sad little face when he couldn't buy a soccer ball because, "It isn't in my budget."
We felt it was important for them to be exposed to the family budget &, as part of the family, to assume some responsibility for family finances. This helped them see themselves as a part of a whole rather than trying to get what they could for themselves. Children do not need to know all the details, but they do need to know that it takes a tremendous amount of money to run a household & that leaving lights on, for example, does make a difference. I know one family which gives the kids a financial update at their "family council" meetings so they can plan together what they can or cannot spend.
Knows how to invest money. We have talked to the children about different opportunities for investment & the advantages of each. We have also talked about gambling, lotteries & risk taking. In a World of the "fast buck," children need to be taught a balanced approach.
Knows how to save money. Being able to control immediate desires in favour of a future or greater cause is not only a financial principle but a spiritual one. As people of God we sometimes need to put aside immediate desires for eternal values.
Knows practical how-to's of banking. Banking is a part of our American life-style. Instead of chickens we deal in checks. In order to feel confident, our children needed to know how to use a bank--to feel comfortable making deposits & withdrawals, & keeping a checkbook.
We wanted children who mastered their finances instead of being mastered by them. We wanted children confident in dealing with the World's system without being overcome by it. But most of all we wanted children who were free to honour the Lord unencumbered by financial matters.
Staying on Course
Keeping on target with the plans you have laid may be the most crucial part of the development of your children. To me, getting started was not half as bad as trying to keep going. That's why it's important to be aware of priorities. In all our busy-ness, we have tried to hold onto our priorities & let them determine our activity instead of the other way around. When it has come to "family days," time together as a couple or time with the children, we have pushed those priorities to the top of our schedule.
Family days. One of the best things we have done to help maintain consistency in working towards our goals is instituting "family days"--times when we can concentrate on being together as a family, growing with each other & learning to enjoy each other. Sundays have been the best time for us. In the 10 years we've been having family days, we have come up with almost anything you can think of: Hiking, plays, song-fests, Bible studies, books, movies, & trips to the zoo, the beach, the mountains, parks, museums & anywhere else we could think of. The important thing has been being together & communicating.
We also helped Tanya & Todd develop goals for their own lives. We felt part of being independent is knowing where you are going. One of the most practical things we did during our family times was talking about events to come. Each week we got out the calendar, looked at the commitments, & then planned the rest of the week.
Dates. One thing we were sure to put on our calendars was our "date" times. Paul & I tried to spend some time personally with each child every week. For some of you this may seem unrealistic, but keep in mind that whatever amount of time you can put aside to be with your children will be multiplied back to you. We came up with a lot of creative ideas on being together; but the place never seemed to matter as much as the conversation, through which we learned about the children's struggles at school, their attitudes towards sex & their desires to serve the Lord.
Update weekends. We also knew if we wanted to stay on track, we needed to update our progress & our goals regularly. We tried to get away three times a year for evaluation & relaxation. Sometimes we were lucky enough to put together an out-of-town weekend, but sometimes we just went to a restaurant together. Besides relaxing & enjoying each other, we evaluated how we were doing as a couple, how Tanya & Todd were doing, what they still needed to know, & in what directions they still need to develop.
Sometimes Paul & I included the children in our evaluations. We asked them where they thought their weak points were & what areas they wanted to develop. It gave them a sense of participation & anticipation as they decided what their next projects would be.
What if it is too late? Some of you may be sitting there looking at your older teen & thinking, "Well, I've blown it. All this is great but it's just too late." It's never too late. Dr. Bruce Narramore says, "As long as children are in our home, we maintain an influence. It is true that children are more pliable at the first few years of life, but there is plenty of room for change. By starting now, each of us can work for a gratifying family life."
How Does It Feel to Fly?
As parents, you really must consider whether you will be able to let your children go when the time comes. Part of the commitment to start working towards their independence is yours. You commit yourself to love your child unconditionally, to give of your time & energy in planning & helping carry through on the plan, to communicate honestly, & to walk day by day in as Godly a manner as you can. You must also commit yourself to let go when the time comes. If you don't, you will set up a standard of mistrust, of not keeping your word, which will be extremely hard to repair. That's why it is important to trust the Lord with your child & rest confidently in His will.
Raising children is one of life's hardest jobs, & raising children who know & love the Lord in an ungodly World is even more difficult.
Jeremiah has some interesting verses about sheep, & I can't help feeling they apply to the raising of our children. Jeremiah 17:16 says, "But as for me, I have not hastened from being a shepherd to follow Thee." Being a shepherd is not a "fun" job. It involves a lot of wandering around, guiding, protecting--in fact, it can get downright boring. But just as God has not hurried away from being our Shepherd, neither should we hurry away from our responsibilities as parents. Sure, there are other things out there calling to us--money to be earned, miles to be travelled, flattering degrees, promotions & social standing to be sought--but none are more important than our sheep. One day the Lord may ask us, "Where is the flock that was given you, your beautiful sheep?"
SUMMARY
Spiritual
--knows how to study the Bible
--experiences a consistent "quiet time" with the Lord
--has a general working knowledge of Scripture
--is developing as a person of faith, including knowing how to seek the Lord
--is memorising Scripture
--is faithful in obedience
--has a strong understanding of how he is in Christ
--is consistently growing in spiritual honesty & openness
--is a person of prayer
Physical
--accepts his physical self as a gift from God
--understands & practices personal hygiene
--maintains proper weight for his age
--keeps a regular physical fitness programme
--maintains a good diet
--has at least one sport to develop in
--has regular medical check-ups
--maintains a good appearance
--has a Biblical perspective of sex
Intellectual
--has working knowledge of basic academic skills
--has general grasp of World history & current events
--knows how to find needed information
--knows how machines work
--knows how to drive
--has a practical knowledge of general skills
--is developing creatively
--is teachable
--is able to discern what knowledge coincides with Scripture
--knows & uses principles of time management
--has a sense of ethics
Social
--understands the Biblical motivation for relationships
--takes responsibility, as part of society, for its actions
--is confident in the role of host, hostess or guest
--knows common etiquette & courtesies
--is confident in making introductions
--is able to relate to various age groups
--puts others at ease because he is at ease
Emotional
--has a sense of significance as a person
--has a sense of belonging
--is accepting of others
--is able to make decisions
--understands, makes & carries through on commitments
--is able to have fun & enjoy life
--is able to communicate his feelings to others
--is able to give emotionally to others
--is able to handle emotionally difficult situations
Financial
--has a Biblical perspective of finances
--has a giving heart
--knows how to work
--understands how to manage finances
--knows how to invest money
--knows how to save money
--knows practical how-to's of banking
------------------------------
I took a piece of plastic clay
And idly fashioned it one day;
And as my fingers pressed it still,
It moved & yielded at my will.
I came again when days were past,
The form I gave it still it bore,
And as my fingers pressed it still,
I could change that form no more.
I took a piece of living clay,
And gently formed it day by day,
And molded with my power & art,
A young child's soft & yielding heart.
I came again when days were gone;
It was a man I looked upon,
He still that early imprint bore,
And I could change it never more.
------------------------------
(The following worksheets can be used to guide your children's development. Add your own points as you feel necessary:)
WORKSHEET: PHYSICAL DEVELOPMENT
1. Understands & practices personal hygiene
--understands the reasoning behind good hygiene
--is aware of body functions & their development
--practices good hygiene as listed below:
2. Maintains proper weight for his age
--knows his proper weight
--knows the medical benefit of not being over or underweight
3. Keeps a regular physical fitness programme
--has chosen some form of regular exercise
4. Maintains a good diet
--knows the basic food groups
--knows the benefits of eating well
--is able to control his eating habits
5. Has at least one sport to develop in
--has chosen a sport to work on
--is developing coordination
6. Has regular medical checkups
--dental checkups twice a year
--eye exam once every two years
7. Maintains a good appearance
--understands the importance of a good appearance
--dresses appropriately
--understands real beauty is internal
8. Has a Biblical perspective on sex
--understands the Biblical perspective of sex
--is developing his own convictions about sex
--feels free to talk with parents & other respected adults about sex
WORKSHEET: INTELLECTUAL DEVELOPMENT
1. Has working knowledge of basic academic skills
--is proficient in reading, writing & arithmetic
--has positive feelings about learning & his schoolwork
2. Has general grasp of World history & current events
--understands the effect of history on current events
--understands the basic issues & activities of current events
3. Knows how to find needed information
--knows how to use a library card catalogue
--knows where different types of books are found
--knows how to use reference materials such as dictionaries, encyclopedias, thesaurus
--knows what other resources (films, records & videos etc.) are available at his local library
4. Knows how machines work
5. Knows how to drive
--has taken driver's education
--takes driving seriously
--knows how to do simple maintenance on the family car
--is financially responsible for gas, insurance & other auto expenses
6. Has a practical knowledge of general skills
--has basic household skills of:
cooking & meal preparation
menu selection & shopping
washing & ironing clothes
cleaning
stain removal
sewing
room arrangements & interior decorating
taking care of lawn & gardens
--Knows how to do simple household jobs such as:
unclogging a drain
unplugging a toilet
replacing a fuse
gluing broken parts
hanging pictures & curtains
carpentry repairs
electrical repairs
--organises & cares for his tools
7. Is developing creatively
--has some creative outlet
8. Knows the "whys" of his belief
--is secure in his faith
--is able to defend his faith
9. Is teachable
10. Knows & uses the principles of management
--knows how to plan & use his time effectively
--recognises the need for relaxation
--has a personal filing system
--is usually on time
11. Has a sense of personal ethics
--has discussed the principle of "being like Jesus"
--has developed personal convictions on what he would or would not do in situations
--is able to hold on to his convictions under pressure
--is careful about judging others whose stand differs from his
WORKSHEET: SOCIAL DEVELOPMENT
1. Understands the Biblical motivation for relationships
--understands his responsibility to represent Christ to others
--is secure in his relationships within the family
--has good peer relationships
--is developing relationships outside of peer group
2. Has taken responsibility, as a part of society, for its actions
--participates in group activities
--does not avoid taking responsibility for his part of group activities (good & bad)
--shows personal responsibility in his actions when adults are not around
3. Is confident in the role of host, hostess or guest
--is sensitive to the needs of others
--thinks creatively how to best meet those needs
--recognises his own needs & how to meet them
--knows how to have a formal event
--knows how to entertain casually
--is comfortable as a guest
--knows how to receive or reject an invitation
--is faithful in communicating appreciation after an event
4. Knows common etiquette & courtesies
--knows & practices common courtesies such as: [fill in:]
--understands the reasoning behind being courteous
--understands & practices good dating etiquette
5. Is confident in making introductions
--knows how to make proper introductions
--is confident in using the phone
6. Is able to relate to various age groups
--is confident relating to adults
--is confident relating to elderly people
--is confident relating to children
--is confident relating to individuals from differing cultural backgrounds
7. Puts others at ease because he is at ease
--enjoys being with people
--is a person others enjoy being with
WORKSHEET: EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT
1. Has a sense of significance as a person
--is able to "own" his emotions & take responsibility for them
--knows of God's acceptance for him
--is secure in his parents' acceptance
--receives the advice of others
--has a sense of personal integrity
2. Has a sense of belonging
--has a sense of family identity
--accepts love from his family & is affectionate
--has a sense of being part of the "family of God"
--enjoys family traditions
3. Is accepting of others
--is open to people from other countries & cultures
--works to receive people he would not naturally gravitate toward
--can identify with the feelings of others & understand emotionally their point of view
--respects others even if he does not agree with them
--is flexible in dealing with others
4. Is able to make decisions
--is secure enough to make decisions outside of conformity
5. Understands, makes & carries through on commitments
--is willing to make commitments
--takes commitments seriously
--is faithful to his commitments
--knows how to back out of commitment if it becomes necessary
--is not afraid to make commitments in relationships
6. Is able to have fun & enjoy life
--understands the emotional, physical & spiritual benefits of fun & relaxation
--seems to be free to laugh & "cut up" when it is appropriate
--gives himself space in his schedule for fun
--can put aside his natural desires for fun when the circumstances demand it
7. Is able to communicate his feelings to others
--seems confident in communicating to others
--feels as if he has something to offer
--is growing in his ability to "read between the lines" & identify the emotional level of conversations
--is confident in communicating on the emotional level
8. Is able to give emotionally to others
--recognises the needs of others & desires to meet them
--is growing in his wisdom of how to meet the needs of others
--does not entangle himself in unhealthy relationships
9. Is able to handle emotionally difficult situations
--is able to view his feelings in light of Scripture & other accurate information
--is responsible for actions prompted by his emotions
WORKSHEET: FINANCIAL DEVELOPMENT
1. Has a Biblical perspective of finances
--understands that everything comes from God
--has a spirit of thankfulness for what he has
--is familiar with Biblical principles of finances
--is aware of the control of materialism & envy
--knows & practices the principle of tithing
2. Has a giving heart
--gives cheerfully, sacrificially & consistently
3. Knows how to work
--is a contented labourer
--is faithful in his jobs
--has pride in his work
--is confident in communicating with his elders or boss
4. Understands how to manage finances
--knows how to make wise financial decisions
--uses a simple budget
--understands the family budget
5. Knows how to save money
--is able to save money
--saves for special purchases
6. Knows practical how-to's of banking
--knows how to use a checking account
--knows the benefits & dangers of credit cards
--knows how to read bank statements
--is confident dealing with financial institutions
A child's budget:
1. Income __________per week from allowance
__________per week from other jobs
__________per week total
2. Percentages _____________% for tithe
_____________% for savings
_____________% for spending money
(Spending money can be budgeted further with an older child.)
A simplified budget--to be used to explain the family budget to children
Some friends shared this budget with their children (ages 6, 8 & 12) to help them understand where the family money goes, what it has been spent on & what they can do to help with expenses. It made it easier for the parents to say "no" & have the children understand.
Beginning salary $2000
Tithe (& giving) -200 = $1800
House expenses (rent, -915 = 885
utilities, insurance, taxes)
Groceries -250 = 635
Clothing -150 = 485
Entertainment (includes -100 = 385
eating out)
Babysitting -50 = 335
Lessons/sports -75 = 260
Life insurance -50 = 210
Allowances (earning money) -25 = 185
Gifts -40 = 145
Household upkeep -80 = 65
Sixty-five dollars was left for other expenses including major home purchases (ie. furniture, new TV, etc.), vacations & trips, toys, etc, outside of the normal budget.
They began to realise the budget was not "bottomless" & were motivated to help increase income in order to do some of the things they wanted to do.
SUGGESTED FORMULA FOR AN UPDATE WEEKEND
1. Relax. Take time to enjoy yourselves as a couple. Find a neutral place where you can feel free of everyday concerns & interruptions.
2. Communicate. Talk through frustrations, anxieties, concerns. Disarm yourselves from feelings that might get in the way of positive reflection.
3. Commit. Trust the Lord in prayer for your time together. Ask for His wisdom in dealing with issues.
4. Evaluate. Talk about what has been working well & what has not been working well. Where are the children in working toward their independence? What needs to be done next? Where are you in your budget? Are your schedules reflecting your priorities?
5. Dream. Envision where you would like to be.
6. Plan. How can you get from here to there?
7. Trust. Ask God for His strength & perseverance in following through on the plan. Praise Him for Who He is & the privilege He has given you of being parents. Describe your child back to the Lord & thank Him for each aspect of the child.
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"No Greater Love"
Whatever their planned target, the mortar rounds landed in an orphanage run by a missionary group in the small Vietnamese village. The missionaries & one or two children were killed outright, & several more children were wounded, including one young girl, about eight years old.
People from the village requested medical help from a neighbouring town that had radio contact with the American forces. Finally, an American Navy doctor & nurse arrived in a jeep with only their medical kits. They established that the girl was the most critically injured. Without quick action, she would die of shock & loss of blood.
A transfusion was imperative, & a donor with a matching blood type was required. A quick test showed that neither American had the correct blood type, but several of the uninjured orphans did.
The doctor spoke some pidgin Vietnamese, & the nurse a smattering of high-school French. Using that combination, together with much impromptu sign language, they tried to explain to the young, frightened audience that unless they could replace some of the girl's lost blood, she would certainly die. Then they asked if anyone would be willing to give blood to help.
Their request was met with wide-eyed silence. After several long moments a small hand slowly & waveringly went up, dropped back down, & then went up again.
"Oh, thank you," the nurse said in French. "What is your name?"
"Heng," came the reply.
Heng was quickly laid on a pallet, his arm swabbed with alcohol, & a needle inserted in his vein. Through this ordeal Heng lay stiff & silent.
After a moment, he let out a shuddering sob, quickly covering his face with his free hand.
"Is it hurting, Heng?" the doctor asked. Heng shook his head, but after a few moments another sob escaped, & once more he tried to cover up his crying. Again the doctor asked him if the needle hurt, & again Heng shook his head.
But now his occasional sobs gave way to a steady, silent crying, his eyes screwed tightly shut, his fist in his mouth to stifle his sobs.
The medical team was concerned. Something was obviously very wrong. At this point, a Vietnamese nurse arrived to help. Seeing the little one's distress, she spoke to him rapidly in Vietnamese, listened to his reply & answered him in a soothing voice.
After a moment, the patient stopped crying & looked questioningly at the Vietnamese nurse. When she nodded, a look of great relief spread over his face.
Glancing up, the nurse said quietly to the Americans, "He thought he was dying. He misunderstood you. He thought you had asked him to give all his blood so the little girl could live."
"But why would he be willing to do that?" asked the Navy nurse.
The Vietnamese nurse repeated the question to the little boy, who answered simply, "She's my friend."
Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for a friend.
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