SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY--How To Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too--By Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
How This Book Came to Be
As we were writing our previous book, "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk," we ran into trouble. The chapter on sibling rivalry was getting out of hand. Gradually the truth dawned on us. To do justice to sibling rivalry, we'd have to give it a book of its own.
It also occurred to us that we had an unusual opportunity through our nationwide speaking engagements to find out what parents around the country felt about sibling problems. We soon discovered we had a hot topic on our hands. Wherever we went, the very mention of the words "sibling rivalry" triggered an immediate & intense reaction.
"The fighting drives me up the wall."
"I don't know what'll happen first. Either they'll kill each other or I'll kill them."
Evidently the problem was widespread & deeply felt. The more we talked to parents about what went on between their children, the more we were reminded of the dynamics that produced such high levels of stress in their homes. Take two kids in competition for their parents' love & attention. Add to that the envy that one child feels for the accomplishments of the other; the resentment that each child feels for the privileges of the other; the personal frustrations that they don't dare let out on anyone else but a brother or sister, & it's not hard to understand why in families across the land, the sibling relationship contains enough emotional dynamite to set off rounds of daily explosions.
We wondered, "Was there anything to be said on behalf of sibling rivalry? It certainly wasn't good for parents. Was there something about it that might be good for children?"
Everything we read made a case for the uses of some conflict between brothers & sisters: From their struggles, siblings become tougher & more resilient. From their endless rough-housing with each other, they develop speed & agility. From their verbal sparring they learn the difference between being clever & being hurtful. From the normal irritations of living together, they learn how to assert themselves, defend themselves, compromise. And sometimes, from their envy of each other's special abilities, they become inspired to work harder, persist & achieve.
That's the best of sibling rivalry. The worst of it, as parents were quick to tell us, could seriously demoralise one or both of the children & even cause permanent damage. Since our book was going to be concerned with preventing & repairing any kind of damage, we felt that it was important to look once again at the causes of the constant competition among siblings.
Where does it all begin? The experts in the field seem to agree that at the root of sibling jealousy is each child's deep desire for the exclusive love of his parents. Why this craving to be the one & only? Because from Mother & Father, that wondrous source, flow all things the child needs to survive & thrive: Food, shelter, warmth & specialness. It is the sunlight of parental love & encouragement that enables a child to grow in competence & slowly gain mastery over his environment.
Why wouldn't the presence of other siblings cast a shadow upon his life? He thinks they threaten everything that is essential to his well-being. The mere existence of an additional child or children in the family could signify LESS. Less time alone with parents. Less attention for hurts & disappointments. Less approval for accomplishments. And most frightening of all, the thought: "If Mom & Dad are showing all that love & concern & enthusiasm for my brother & sister, maybe they're worth more than me. And if they are worth more, that must mean that I'm worth less. And if I am worth less, then I'm in serious trouble."
No wonder children struggle so fiercely to be first or best.
What an incredibly difficult task parents confront! They have to find the ways to reassure each child that he or she is safe, special, beloved; they need to help the young antagonists discover the rewards of sharing & cooperation; & somehow they have to lay the groundwork so that the embattled siblings might one day see each other as a source of pleasure & support.
Getting in Touch!
To help us get in touch with the source of our children's "meanness," I handed out the following exercise for our parental discussion group to work on (You might find it useful to jot down your own reactions. If you're a man, substitute "husband" for "wife" & "he" for "she" throughout this exercise):
Imagine that your spouse puts an arm around you & says, "Honey, I love you so much, & you're so wonderful that I've decided to have another wife just like you."
Your reaction:
When the new wife finally arrives, you see that she's very young & kind of cute. When the three of you are out together, people say hello to you politely, but exclaim ecstatically over the newcomer. "Isn't she adorable! Hello, sweetheart...You are precious!" Then they turn to you & ask, "How do you like the new wife?"
Your reaction:
The new wife needs clothing. Your husband goes into your closet, takes some of your sweaters & pants & gives them to her. When you protest, he points out that since you've put on a little weight, your clothes are too tight on you & they'll fit her perfectly.
Your reaction:
The new wife is maturing rapidly. Every day she seems smarter & more competent. One afternoon as you're struggling to figure out the directions
on the new computer your husband bought you, she bursts into the room & says, "Ooooh, can I use it? I know how."
Your reaction:
When you tell her she can't use it, she runs crying to your husband. Moments later she returns with him. Her face is tear-stained & he has his arm around her. He says to you, "What would be the harm in letting her have a turn? Why can't you share?"
Your reaction:
One day you find your husband & the new wife lying on the bed together. He's tickling her & she's giggling. Suddenly the phone rings & he answers it. Afterwards he tells you that something important has come up & he must leave immediately. He asks you to stay home with the new wife, & make sure she's alright.
Your reaction:
Did you find that your reactions were less than loving? The people in our group readily admitted that beneath their respectable, civilised exteriors lurked a capacity for pettiness, cruelty, spite & thoughts of vengeance.
It's been a year now since the new wife or new husband came into the house. Instead of getting used to his or her presence, you feel even worse about it. Sometimes you wonder if there's something wrong with you. As you're sitting at the edge of your bed, filled with hurt & pain, your mate walks into the room. Before you can stop yourself, you blurt out, "I don't want that person in the house any more. It's making me very unhappy. Why can't you get rid of her/him?"
Your husband & wife will respond in a variety of ways. Note your reaction to each of the following statements.
1) That's nonsense. You're being ridiculous. You have no reason to feel that way.
Your reaction:
2) You make me very angry when you talk like that. If that's the way you feel, please keep it to yourself, because I don't want to hear it.
Your reaction:
3) Look, don't put me in a position where I have to do the impossible. You know very well I can't get rid of him (her). We're a family now.
Your reaction:
4) Why must you be so negative all the time? Find a way to get along & don't come running to me with every little thing.
Your reaction:
5) I didn't only marry again for myself. I know you're lonely sometimes & I thought you'd like some companionship.
Your reaction:
6) Come on, honey. Cut it out. What do my feelings for you have to do with anyone else? There's enough love in my heart for both of you.
Your reaction:
Once again the group was taken aback by their reactions. Some said they felt "stupid," "guilty," "wrong," "crazy," "defeated," "powerless," "abandoned."
It suddenly occurred to me that most of the responses were coming from the women in the group. I addressed myself to the men this time. "Your `wives' have just described their needs. I'm going to ask you to try to meet those needs. How would you respond to your wife when she says, `I don't want that person in this house any more. It's making me very unhappy. Why can't you get rid of her?' What might you actually say to your wife to let her know you understood what she was feeling?" There were some worried stares. Finally one brave soul took the plunge. "I didn't know you felt that way," he ventured.
I turned toward the women now. "And what might you say to your husband to let him know you understood his feelings about the new husband?" A hand went up. "It must be very hard for you--having him around all the time."
There was an audible sigh. A few people applauded. Evidently they liked what they had just heard.
Even as grown-ups who are just pretending, we can see how comforting it is to have someone who will listen to our negative feelings. Children are no different. They need to be able to air their feelings & wishes about their siblings. Even the unsavory ones.
In these cartoons, you'll see how all this theory can be put into practice with young children, older children & teenagers.
A Quick Reminder...
Brothers & Sisters Need to Have Their Feelings About Each Other Acknowledged:
Child: I'm gonna hit him! He took my new skates.
With words that identify the feeling: "You sound furious!"
or
With wishes: "You wish he'd ask before using things."
or
With symbolic or creative activity: "How would you feel about making a Private Property sign & hanging it on your closet door?"
Children Need to Have Their Hurtful Actions Stopped: "Hold it! People are not for hurting!"
And to Be Shown How to Discharge Angry Feelings Acceptably: "Tell him with words how angry you are. Tell him, `I'd rather not have my skates used without my permission!'"
Questions
People came back from this session on acknowledging feelings filled with questions, & eager to share what had happened in their homes. First, their questions.
Question: I tried to show my son that I understood his angry feelings. I even told him, "I know you don't like your brother." Yet that just seemed to make him angrier. He yelled, "Yes I do!" What am I doing wrong?
Answer: Most children experience a mixture of emotions toward their siblings & become uncomfortable or resentful when told they feel only hatred. A more helpful statement would be, "It seems to me that you have two feelings about your brother. Sometimes you like him a lot & sometimes he makes you mad as the dickens."
Question: But what do you do with a child who keeps telling you that he hates his brother? When I answer, "I can hear that you hate him," he shouts back, "Yes, I hate him!" I say, "Boy you really do hate him," & he yells, "That's right. I hate him." And we never seem to get anywhere.
Answer: In order to help a child stop spinning his wheels in his own fury, it helps to restate his emotions in language that will enable him to move forward. Any of the following might help:
"I can hear how angry you are at David."
"Something he did really bugged you."
"Something he said must have infuriated you!"
"Would you like to tell me more about it?"
Question: I notice that when the relatives visit & fuss over the baby, my 5-year-old just wilts. Then later he takes it out on her. Is there anything I can do about it?
Answer: Wouldn't it be great if we could just muzzle these well-meaning folks? Short of alerting the relatives to the problem ahead of time, you can inoculate your son against some of the pain by bringing out into the open what he's probably feeling:
"I'll bet it can be rough to watch everyone `goo-goo' over your sister with all that `Isn't she cute stuff'--even though you know they made the same fuss over you when you were that age. If it happens again, give me a signal, like a wink, & I'll wink back at you. Then you'll know that I know. It'll be our secret."
Question: My teenage daughter complains constantly about her brother. Sometimes it's more than I can take. Do I have to listen to her each time she comes to me?
Answer: There will be times for all of us when we will have no tolerance for listening. And it's important for our children to know that. You can tell your daughter, "I hear how upset you are with your brother, but right now it's hard for me to listen. Let's sit down after dinner & talk about it."
The Stories
I'm always astonished at how parents, after only one or two sessions, are able to go home & put theory into practice, in ways that are both apt & original. Most of the experiences that follow are exactly as they were written or told to the group:
I'm in my 7th month. When I first told Tara, who's five, that I was going to have a baby, she didn't say anything. But last week she touched my stomach & said, "I hate the baby." I was shocked, but I was glad she brought it up. Because I knew she had to have some feelings of resentment, & if she felt comfortable enough to tell me, it meant she trusted me. But even though I was prepared--almost waiting for it to come--it was like a bomb.
I said, "I'm glad you told me, Tara. Do you think that maybe with a new baby, Mommy won't have time for you?" She nodded her head. I said, "When you feel like that, come & tell me, & then I'll make time for you."
The bomb diffused & she hasn't brought it up since.
+++
One father came up with an entirely original way of acknowledging his daughter's hostility toward her brother. He not only "put her feelings into words," he put her words on paper:
Last night Jill complained bitterly to me about her brother. I tried to tell her I understood, but she was so busy ranting she didn't even hear me. Finally I picked up a pencil & tried to write down what she was saying:
1. Jill objects strongly when Mark picks up the extension phone & listens in on her conversation.
2. She hates it when he makes loud chewing noises at the table & scrapes his teeth on the fork.
3. Feels he has no right to come into her room without knocking. Especially objects when she yells at him to get out & he laughs.
When she stopped for breath, I read it all back to her. She was very interested in hearing her own words. I asked her if there was anything else. There was. She added two more grievances which I also wrote down.
Then I said, "Mark's the one who ought to see this list. But it seems to me, it would be too much for anybody to be hit with five complaints at once. Can you pick out the one or two that bother you the most?"
She read the list over to herself, circled two items, & stuck the paper in her pocket.
I have no idea what happened after that. I'm tempted to ask, but I think I'd better stay out of it.
+++
One of the problems that came right along with learning these new skills was the pressure parents put upon themselves to "do it right" or "say it right" all the time. Happily, they soon discovered that with children you always get a second chance. Here's how one father reversed his direction, right in the middle of an angry confrontation:
Liz's birthday (age 8) caused grumpiness & resentment in Paul (age 11). He refused to cooperate in any way. When his mother asked him to pick up his own things that were lying around the basement where the party was going to be held, he said, "Get off my case." I was so irritated I told him he was being obnoxious & sent him to his room. He went, & made sure to slam the door with all his might.
I couldn't believe he was behaving so childishly. After all, he was 11 years old. Then it occurred to me that even at his age, all the fuss & preparations for Liz might have gotten to him. By the time I went to his room, I was feeling more sympathetic.
I said, "I guess it can get pretty annoying to have to listen to nothing else but `party, party, party,' all week. Especially when your own birthday is so far away."
"Five months," he said angrily.
I said, "I think it might be six."
He counted on his fingers: April, May, June, July, September."
"How about August?" I asked.
"Oh no! I forgot about August. That makes it even longer!"
I said, "I bet you wish you could move October up to next month so you could start planning your party right now."
He smiled for the first time that day. Then after a little more conversation in this vein, I left.
A few minutes later, he was in the basement whistling & cleaning up for Liz's party.
+++
The final incident was told by a woman who usually sat in silence during our meetings.
I always sensed that Melissa (7) was a little jealous of her sister (3). Not that she's nasty to her. She doesn't hit her or anything. She just sort of ignores her. But it's hard to tell with Melissa. She's not one to talk about what bothers her.
Anyway, after our session last week, when the little one was taking a nap, I asked Melissa to come sit on the couch with me. I put my arm around her & said, "I'm glad we can be alone together, because I haven't talked to just you in a long time. I've been thinking...sometimes it must be difficult to have a younger sister. You have to share everything with her, your room, your toys, even your mother."
It was like a dam broke loose. She couldn't stop talking, & I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She said terrible things about her sister. It was a good thing the phone rang, because I don't know how much more I could have listened to.
That night when I went to check up on the kids, I thought I wasn't seeing straight. There were the two of them in one bed, sleeping with their arms around each other!
The Perils of Comparisons
So far we had been talking about the fiercely competitive feelings that children bring to the sibling relationship all by themselves, without any help from us grown-ups. I started our third session by asking the group whether they could think of any way in which we adults contributed to the competition.
Someone called out, "We compare!"
No arguments there. Everyone seemed to agree that by making comparisons we definitely "heated up" the rivalry.
"It's strange," I told the group. "When my kids were young, I swore to myself that I would never compare them. But I did it anyway--over & over again."
People looked at me in surprise.
"I'd hear the words coming out of my mouth," I continued, "& be amazed that it was me speaking. Finally I figured out what was going on. I compared them when I was bursting with anger (`Why do you always have to be the one to keep the family waiting? Your brother was in the car ten minutes ago!'). I also compared them when I was bursting with pleasure (`That's terrific! Your big brother has been working on that for an hour, & you figured it out in two minutes!') In either case, it only led to trouble.
"Here's what helped me break the pattern. Whenever I was tempted to compare one child to another, I would say to myself `STOP! DON'T!' Whatever you want to tell this child can be said directly, without any reference to his brother. The key word is describe. Describe what you see. Or describe what you like. Or describe what you don't like. Or describe what needs to be done. The important thing is to stick with the issue of this one child's behaviour. Nothing his brother is or isn't doing has anything to do with him."
I distributed the following illustrations so that the group could see the difference in action.
I was about to move on to the next topic when I noticed a few frowns.
"We live in a competitive society. Doesn't a child need competition at home to prepare him to hold his own in the outside World?"
"If by `holding his own' you mean being able to function competently, assert himself & achieve his goals--all of that can be learned in an environment that encourages cooperation. To me the best part of being raised in a cooperative climate is what comes out of it--more respect for others, more confidence in one's self.
"But isn't there something to be said for competition?"
"Yes, it can also be a spur to accomplishment, but it comes at a price. Studies of people in schools & business settings show that when competition becomes intense, people tend to develop physical symptoms. They become more anxious, more suspicious, more hostile. Let our homes be a haven from this kind of stress."
"But what can you do when one child tells you about something special she did & all the others are standing there listening?"
"That's a touchy one. We don't want to shortchange the child who is excited about her accomplishment. Yet we do want to be sensitive to the feelings of the others. You'll never go wrong if you describe what you think the child might be feeling (`You must be so happy!') or what the child has accomplished (`A lot of practice & perseverance went into winning that medal.')
"The trick is not to add, `I'm so thrilled, I can't wait to tell Dad & all the neighbours.' The passion & excitement you feel about a child's achievement should be saved for a moment when just the two of you are together."
A Quick Reminder...
Resist the Urge to Compare: Instead of comparing one child unfavorably to another, ("Why can't you hang up your clothes like your brother?") speak to the child only about the behaviour that displeases you.
Describe what you see: "I see a brand new jacket on the floor."
Describe what you feel: "That bothers me."
Describe what needs to be done: "This jacket belongs in the closet."
Instead of comparing one child favorably to another, ("You're so much neater than your brother") speak only about the behaviour that pleases you:
Describe what you see: "I see you hung up your jacket."
Describe what you feel: "I appreciate that. I like seeing our hallway looking neat."
The Stories
It's bedtime.
Me: Allen! Jennifer! Bedtime. Pajamas & teeth. (Allen goes off to do it.)
Jennifer: (Whining) No, I don't want to.
Me: Time to get ready for bed.
Jennifer: No, you do it.
Me: (Feeling mad & frustrated & wanting to yell, "Why can't you cooperate the way your brother does?!!! But I think better of it, & walk into Allen's room to cool down.) Jennifer follows me. Allen's all set for bed.
Me: (To Allen) You're all set. When you heard it was bedtime, you got right into your P.J.'s & brushed your teeth. That was a big help to me. (Notice, not a word about Jennifer.)
Bonus: Jennifer did her things without further ado.
Another Bonus:
Allen: (From his room) You don't have to worry about getting clothes for me tomorrow. I set them up already. I like being helpful to you.
Me: Thank you, Allen. (To Jennifer) I see that you're ready for bed. (Notice, I didn't say "too.")
Jennifer looks proud.
Equal Is Less
As I opened the door to our meeting room, I heard peals of laughter. Several women who had arrived early were standing together, evidently sharing something very funny. It seems that they had been discussing the question as to whether or not children should be treated equally, & had come up with some comical examples of what can happen when you're determined to be fair.
No Amount of Ice Will Suffice. I'll never forget the Summer day I decided to tackle the big freezer in the garage & get rid of a two-year build-up of frost. The kids were in bathing suits watching me bring out pots of hot water to loosen up the ice. At one point, everything began to melt at once. I playfully tossed a big slab of ice in the direction of one of the kids & said, "Here, have some ice." Immediately the other two chimed in, "I want some too."
I grabbed two more big slabs & slid them towards the other two. Then the youngest yelled, "They have more!"
I said, "You want more? Here's more!" & threw a potful of ice at his feet. Then the other two yelled, "Now he has more." I threw two more pots of ice in their direction. The first one cried, "Now they have more."
By this time, all three children were ankle deep in ice & still yelping for more. As fast as I could I flung huge chunks of ice at everyone's feet. Even though they were hopping up & down in pain from the cold, they continued to yell for more, in a frenzy that one would gain an advantage over the other.
That was when I realised how futile it was to ever try to make things equal. The children can never get enough, & as a mother, I could never give enough.
After a month's reflection, a father commented, "I can see where you'd wind up doing some pretty weird things when you try to treat everyone the same, but what can you do when the kids start to tighten the screws? When they bellyache that you're not fair or that you `gave her more' or `love him better.'"
"You can tell yourself," I answered, "That even though they seem to want everything the same, they don't really."
He looked at me questioningly.
It was a difficult concept to explain. I told them all the story of the young wife who suddenly turned to her husband & asked, "Who do you love more? Your mother or me?" Had he answered, "I love you both the same," he would have been in big trouble. But instead he said, "My mother is my mother. You're the fascinating, sexy woman I want to spend the rest of my life with."
"To be loved equally," I continued, "is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely--for one's own special self--is to be loved as much as we need to be loved."
There were still a few quizzical expressions.
To help everyone better understand the difference between giving equally with measured amounts, & giving uniquely in terms of each child's legitimate needs, I handed out the following illustrations:
"That situation with the pancakes could have come right out of my house. But what do you do if little Johnny wants more & you're out of the stuff to make it with?"
Two fathers raised their hands.
"How about printing a note with big letters & putting it up on the refrigerator door?: BE SURE TO BUY MORE PANCAKE MIX FOR JOHNNY. And then of course do it."
"How about giving him a bit of your pancake? My kids love getting anything from Daddy's plate. Just yesterday my little girl complained that her brother got more peas, so I said, `Here, have some of mine.' She counted the peas I gave her, put two of them back on my plate, & said, `Now I give you some of mine.'"
"The problem in my house," another woman said, "isn't with the children. It's with me. I'm the one who feels bad if I don't give them both the same. When I buy something for Gretchen--like new pajamas--& Claudia is standing there watching with a long face, I feel terrible. I never know what to say to her."
"What do you usually say?"
"Oh, I don't know...something like, `But dear, you don't need new pajamas. Yours still fit you.'"
"Sounds perfectly logical to us grown-ups here," I said. "The trouble is, kids don't respond to logic when they're upset. They need some attention for what they're feeling: `Claudia, it can be hard to watch your sister get new pajamas when you're not. And even though you know all the reasons why she needs them & you don't, it can still bother you.'"
I turned to the rest of the group. "I hope," I said, "that I'm not giving anyone here the impression that we should never give the identical item to each child. There will be times when that will be the obvious & right thing to do. All I want to point out is that if you decide not to give equally, for whatever reason, that's all right too. The children who fail to receive won't go under. Your understanding & acceptance of their disappointment will help them to deal with life's inequities."
It isn't necessary to respond to each child with equal passion, & it's perfectly normal & natural to have different feelings towards different children. The only thing that is necessary is that we take another look at the less favoured child, seek out her specialness, then reflect the wonder of it back to her. That's all we can ask of ourselves, & all the children need of us. By valuing & being partial to each child's individuality, we make sure that each of our children feels like a number one child.
A Quick Reminder...
Children Don't Need To Be Treated Equally. They Need To Be Treated Uniquely.
1.) Instead of giving equal amounts: "Here, now you have just as many grapes as your sister."
Give according to individual need: "Do you want a few grapes, or a big bunch?"
2.) Instead of showing equal love: "I love you the same as your sister."
Show the child he or she is loved uniquely: "You are the only `you' in the whole wide World. No one could ever take your place."
3.) Instead of giving equal time: "After I've spent ten minutes with your sister, I'll spend ten minutes with you."
Give time according to need: "I know I'm spending a lot of time going over your sister's composition. It's important to her. As soon as I'm finished, I want to hear what's important to you."
The Stories
I had two incidents this week where I saved a lot of energy by not trying to be fair.
Incident 1: It's bedtime.
Stevie: (Age 4) Ma, no fair. You were in there with Maggie longer than me. You were talking to her longer.
I was tempted to explain, "Well, your sister had a lot of trouble getting off to sleep tonight. She napped too long. I'll make it up to you tomorrow night. I'll read you an extra story." Instead of all that...
Me: Oh, you wish I would spend more time with you?
Stevie: Yeah. (And he snuggled right down to sleep.)
Incident 2: Stevie wasn't feeling well. I was rocking him on my lap when Maggie (20 months) comes charging up to me, arms up. My first thought was to placate her by putting Stevie down immediately & picking her up. But I didn't. I said, "Maggie, I know you want Mommy to hold you. Right now Stevie needs to be held a long time because he's sick."
Stevie got this "aha" look in his eye, like "See, I'm important!" But what amazed me is that she accepted it & was actually able to wait a half minute until I picked her up.
This final story gives us some insight into what our children really want from us, even while they're pressuring us for preferential treatment.
Was I put to the test this week! Amy (8), my middle daughter, was sitting on the sofa with me & suddenly she asks, "Daddy, who do you love best--Rachel, Emily or me."
Everything we talked about last week flew out of my head. All I could think to say was, "Honey, I love you all the same." Brilliant, right?
But she didn't buy it. She said, "Suppose we were all in a rowboat & it tipped over, & everyone was drowning, then who would you save?"
I tried to work my way out of that one. "The one closest to me." I said.
"Suppose they're all the same closeness?"
She really had me on the spot.
Finally I remembered. "That would be a terrible, terrible situation for me to be in," I said. "Each of you is so special to me, because each of you is so different. What would I do if anything ever happened to my Amy? How could I bear the thought of losing someone who is such a pleasure to be with & talk to? I'd never find another one like her anywhere. She's a complete original. It's torture to even think about it!"
That did it. She seemed completely satisfied. She never even asked me how I felt about her sisters. She just wanted to know how much I valued her.
If He's "This," Then I'll Be "That"
The dog banged her nose against my thigh. I ignored her. She barked & butted me again. "Okay, Pepper, okay." I slipped the leash over her outstretched neck & ran up the driveway with her. Two little boys hurried toward us, pointing & squealing, "Doggy! Doggy!"
Close behind them was my new neighbour. The last time I had seen her she was pushing her twins in a stroller. "Barbara!" I exclaimed. "I can't get over how the boys have grown. They're walking & talking now! One thing's for sure, they both like dogs, don't they?"
"Yea, I suppose...But look how the little one is trying to pet her, & notice the big one isn't. He can't get far enough away."
I was startled by her comment & not sure how to respond.
"They've been that way from the time they were born," she went on. "The little one is real gutsy. Nothing scares him. But the big one is afraid of his own shadow."
I managed a noncommittal grunt & excused myself, tugging the dog back toward the house. I knew that if I stayed one second longer, I'd say something that I'd regret.
How could she talk that way in front of them? Did she think they didn't hear her? Or understand? She had each boy pegged, locked into his role, & was totally oblivious to the damage she was doing--not only to each boy individually, but to their future relationship.
It was the following evening. I waited for people to take their seats. Then I told them about my thoughts.
"Now here's what I'd like to know from you," I said. "What do you think it is that drives some parents to assign different roles to their children?"
Their answers came quickly:
"The misguided need to bolster our own egos. My guess is that your neighbour was a timid little girl when she was growing up, & that's why she bragged about having a `gutsy kid.'"
"Also I think we sort of enjoy the idea that we've got each kid figured out. Sometimes I'll call my son `Punctual Paul' or tease my daughter for being a `Late Lizzie.'"
"I think we put our children in different roles because we want each of them to feel special. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but I tell my three, `You're all good in reading; your sister is good in math; & your brother is good in art.' It's a way of giving each of them a separate identity."
"Kids put themselves in roles too!" The group quickly shifted gears & pursued her thought.
"It's true. A kid will play the `good boy' part because it brings him love & approval."
"Or the `bad boy' part because it's a way of getting attention, even negative attention."
Everyone wanted to tell about the roles they were cast in as they were growing up & how it affected them. Each account, though completely different, had the same pattern. One role seemed to determine the other: "I was always the slob; my brother was Mr. Clean." ..."I was the holy terror; my sister was little goody two-shoes."
And once the drama was cast, the characters seemed to play out their parts almost compulsively: "I decided that if I was always being accused of being `wild,' I might as well be `wild.'"..."Since people expected me to be sloppy, I wouldn't disappoint them."
And always the antagonism that resulted between brothers & sisters: "I resented my brother for being the `capable one.' Next to him I felt inadequate."..."I hated my sister for having a terrible temper. It forced me to be the calm one."
And even if the roles were not direct opposites, the children were defined--or defined themselves--in terms of the other: "I wasn't as popular as my sister."..."I wasn't a leader like my brother."
I addressed the whole group now. "It's true, there are children who do have great natural gifts, & those gifts should certainly be recognised & encouraged. But not at the expense of other siblings. When one child stakes out his or her area of special competence, let's be on guard about excluding the others from that area. And let's make sure that the others don't exclude themselves. Let's be wary of statements like, `He's the musician in the family'...`She's the scholar'...`He's the athlete'...`She's the artist.' No child should be allowed to corner the market on any area of human endeavor. We want to make it clear to each of our children that the joys of scholarship, dance, drama, poetry, sports etc. are for everyone & not reserved for those who have a special aptitude."
Freeing Children to Change
From a parent: "I thought a lot about your assignment last week & decided that nobody in my family puts anybody in a role. Then on Sunday I introduced my boys to the new minister & heard myself say, `This is my oldest, this is my middle & this is my baby.' I didn't even mention their names! And I have to admit, that's how I treat them. I spoil my 5-year-old because he's the youngest; my middle one is just there, sort of sandwiched in between; & I'm always after the 10-year-old to `act his age.'"
"I know what you mean," a father said. "Ever since Kay had the baby, I find myself pushing Michael to act more grown up. Last night I told him he was a big boy now & should get into his pajamas by himself. He looked unhappy. He said, "Daddy, don't you realise that under this skin I'm still very little?"
"That's one thing we didn't mention last week," someone said. "And it's so obvious. We do treat the children according to their birth order."
Children are born with different personality traits. But as parents we have the power to influence those traits, to give nature a helping hand. Let's use our power wisely. Let's not place our children in roles that will defeat them.
I had an idea: "Why don't we take an example of two children in the same family who are playing out opposite roles, & see if we can figure out how to get them both unstuck from these roles?"
Our task would be two-fold: To free the bully to be compassionate; to free his victim to be strong.
Here's what we worked out in cartoon form.
A Quick Reminder...
Let No One Lock A Child Into a Role.
Not his parents
Instead of: Johnny, did you hide your brother's ball?
Parent: Your brother wants his ball back.
Not the child himself
Johnny: I know I'm mean.
Parent: You're also capable of being kind.
Not his brothers or sisters
Sister: Johnny, you're mean! Daddy, he won't lend me his scotch tape.
Parent: Try asking him differently. You may be surprised at how generous he can be.
No More Problem Children
(Editor: There are, at times, children who have constantly been problems & need not only prayer & deliverance but special close supervision, lots of God's Word, instruction etc. to get a lasting victory. In other words, not being afraid to call a spade a spade & help the children themselves wake up to what problems they have been. The following refers to normal children who aren't extreme cases.)
When one child is viewed as the `problem child' for whatever reason, certain patterns go into motion:
The problem child becomes more of a problem. The burdened parent begins to make demands upon the `normal' children to compensate for the problem child. The needs of the normal siblings are brushed aside. The normal siblings begin to resent the problem child.
"How in the World," I continued, "do you have a good relationship with a sibling you resent, & probably feel guilty about resenting?"
"You don't," one man said. "That's just the point."
Don't put children into roles. See them as whole people. Why should it be any different with a child who's handicapped or sickly?
A woman whose sister was in a wheelchair spoke with equal fervor: "I would say, treat all of the kids as if they're OK people. Even the kids with the serious problems. They can do a lot more than we give them credit for."
Was it realistic to think that we could treat children as if they were basically capable, basically OK, especially when they were right in the middle of exhibiting their "problem" behaviour? It seemed a tremendous challenge.
After much discussion, here's what we worked out:
Several people struggled to put it into words, each building upon the thoughts of the others:
"What I'm seeing now is that it's up to the parent to set the tone, to make it clear that no one in the family is `the problem.'"
"Some of us might have greater needs or greater challenges, but we all need to be accepted as we are."
"And each of us is capable of growth & change."
"Which doesn't mean we won't have problems, but we'll deal with each problem as it comes up. The important thing is to believe in our worth."
"And believe in each other."
"And support each other, like a team. Because that's what being a family is all about."
A Quick Reminder...
Children With Problems Do Not Need To Be Viewed As Problem Children.
They do need:
Acceptance of their frustration: "This isn't easy. It can be frustrating."
Appreciation for what they have accomplished, however imperfect: "You got a lot closer this time."
Help in focusing on solutions: "This is tough. What do you do in a case like this?"
The Stories
Group members reported that the moment they made an inner decision to view their children with fresh eyes, some unlikely events took place in their homes:
From the time Claudia was a little girl, she was "organised." She was the kind of child who, without a word from anyone, would pick up her blocks & put them away--in size order, no less. Gretchen, on the other hand, is a complete scatterbrain. She never puts anything away & never knows where anything is. So this weekend when I noticed that my pantry was a total disgusting wreck, I almost automatically said, "Come on, Claudia, you're my organiser. This is a job for you."
But I didn't. Instead I went to Gretchen & said, "Gretchen, I can't stand it. We've got to do something with this pantry. Can you help me out?"
She said, "OK," & then she took everything out of the pantry: Boxes, bags, jars, cans, utensils. I got so nervous because I thought, "She'll never get that mess back in, & I'll have to end up doing it."
But this kid not only stuck with it, she didn't quit until every shelf was scrubbed down & everything was put back in perfect order. She even found a place for my grocery bags in a drawer, so I ended up with more room than I had before.
Can you believe it? My disorganised, scatterbrained little girl did a beautiful job!
Once parents became aware of how their words & attitudes could lock a child into a role, they also became more alert to what the siblings said to & about each other. Whereas before this session they might have ignored one child stereotyping another, now they refused to let it pass.
Billy: (To me in front of his brother, Roy) I'm not like Roy. He's shy. I say hello to people.
Mother: Sounds as if you like being able to say hello to people. When Ray decides he wants to say hello, he will too.
Finally, as parents became convinced that seeing any one child in a negative role ultimately harmed the relationships between the children, they renewed their efforts to bring to light what was positive about each child & positive about themselves as a family.
My youngest daughter, Rachel, has always been on the clingy side--even more so now that her mother & I are divorced. Her sisters only make things worse by calling her a "pesty baby" & a "nuisance."
I was wondering what I could do about it when I suddenly remembered an exercise I had done in a human relations class in college, called "Strength Bombardment." We each had to write down three things we liked about the other students, & I'll never forget how terrific it felt when I saw the list of things people had written about me.
So the next time the girls had their weekend with me, I told them all to take pillows & sit on the floor in the living room. Then I explained that we were going to be doing something special tonight. Each of us would have a turn to say three things we liked about the others, & I would write down what they said, on a separate paper for each girl. I told them we'd start with Rachel.
Amy said, "Rachel's nice."
I said, "The idea is to tell something in particular that you like about Rachel." Amy came up with, "I like the way Rachel comes into my room & laughs & tells me the funny story she heard."
Rachel started to smile.
"One more," I said.
"I like the way Rachel asks me to read to her."
I went on to collect six more comments about Rachel. Then we went on to "do" the other girls.
The more we went on, the more enthusiastic they became about each other. Then Amy asked, "Could we also say things we like about ourselves?"
I said, "Sure," & then I added more things to each girls' list.
Nobody picked on Rachel for the rest of the weekend, & I noticed that before they left each girl made sure to pack her list in her overnight bag.
When the Kids Fight--How to Intervene Helpfully
"Suppose we start by examining how we usually react when the kids fight." I asked for volunteers--one to be a big brother & one to be his younger sister.
"That's me," said a young woman stepping forward. "I'm still the kid sister in my family."
I spoke to the "big brother" first. "You're about eight years old. It's been a long, rainy morning, & you're looking for something to do. Suddenly your eyes light upon your old blocks & a set of toy animals. (I handed him a bag of blocks & another of plastic animals.) It's mostly stuff for little kids, but you've got an idea! You're going to make a zoo, maybe with a jungle for monkeys & a pool for the seals...There are all kinds of possibilities."
The man playing the older brother sat on the floor & began to line up his animals & erect a structure. As he was building, I took the "kid sister" aside & whispered to her. "You don't have anything to do this morning either. You haven't played with those boring old blocks or animals in a long time, but when you see your brother looking as if he's having so much fun, you plop down beside him & say, `I wanna play too.'"
I went back to my seat & we all waited to see what would happen next.
The fireworks started almost immediately.
Sister: I wanna play too.
Brother: No, I'm making a zoo & I want to do it myself.
Sister: (Grabbing zebra & two blocks) I can play too if I want to.
Brother: No you can't. Give it back!
Sister: Yes I can. It's mine!
Brother: I had it first!
Sister: I can have it if I want to. Daddy gave it to me too.
Brother: (Grabbing her hand & forcing her fingers open) Give!
Sister: Ouch! You're hurting me!
Brother: I said Give!!
Sister: Maaaaah, he's hurting me! Make him stop! Mommeeeee!
I turned to the parents. "At a moment like this, what do you usually do? Don't censor yourself. Just tell us the first thing that comes to mind."
"I'd run in & tell them to stop."
"I'd take the toys away & send them both to their rooms."
"I'd tell them they were behaving like animals."
"I'd try to convince them to play nicely & to share."
"I'd get to the bottom of it & find out who started it."
"I'd take the big one's side. He had it first."
"I'd stick up for the little one, & tell the big one to find something else to play with."
"I'd tell them their fighting was making me sick."
"I'd tell them that I didn't care who started it, I just want it ended."
I said, "We have a rare opportunity. I'd like you to repeat what you've just said to these `pretend children' so that you can hear for yourself how your words affect them."
One at a time each parent walked over to the quibbling siblings & made his "pitch" to stop the fighting. After each comment, the "children" gave their reactions. Here, in cartoon form, is what happened (you'll see the same Dad trying one approach after the other):
By the time we came to the end of the exercise, it was painfully clear to everyone that the standard strategies for coping with kids' quarrels only led to more frustration & resentment between them.
Then I set out to demonstrate yet another approach a parent could take. First I described the steps I planned to keep in mind as I waded into the fight:
1. Start by acknowledging the children's anger towards each other. That alone should help calm them.
2. Listen to each child's side with respect.
3. Show appreciation for the difficulty of the problem.
4. Express faith in their ability to work out a mutually agreeable solution.
5. Leave the room.
Here again, using the same cartoon figures, is what happened when I tried to put each step into action:
When our exercise was over, I asked the "children" to tell me more about their reactions to my intervention.
Brother: I felt you respected me & that you had confidence in me. I also liked that you said the solution had to be fair to each of us. That meant that I didn't have to give in.
Sister: I felt very grown up. But it was a good thing you left the room, because if you hadn't, I might have put on a show for you & started to yell again.
Now it was the group's turn to ask questions of me.
"But suppose the kids don't have the foggiest idea about how to work it out? My two would just stare at each other."
"In that case, you could casually offer a simple suggestion or two before you leave. Like, `You might want to take turns....Or play with the things together. Talk it over. You'll know.'"
"But what if they try to work it out & go back to yelling at each other? What then?"
I spoke to the "pretend children" again as their mother. "I'm going to do something," I said, "that one of you may not like. I'm going to decide who gets what. Brother, you can continue making your zoo. Sis, you come with me & keep me company. But after dinner tonight, all of us need to have a talk. We need to work out some rules for what to do when one person is playing with something, & the other person wants to play too."
Children should have the freedom to resolve their own differences. Children are also entitled to adult intervention when necessary. If one child is being abused by the other, either physically or verbally, we've got to step in. If there's a problem that's disrupting the entire household, we've got to step in. If there's a problem that keeps coming up that hasn't yielded to their solutions, we've got to step in.
But here's the difference: We intervene, not for the purpose of settling their argument or making a judgement, but to open the blocked channels of communication so that they can go back to dealing with each other.
A Quick Reminder...
How To Handle The Fighting
Level I: Normal bickering
1. Ignore it. Think about your next vacation.
2. Tell yourself the children are having an important experience in conflict resolution.
Level II: Situation heating up. Adult intervention might be helpful.
1. Acknowledge their anger: "You two sound mad at each other!"
2. Reflect each child's point of view: "So, Sara, you want to keep on holding the puppy, because he's just settled down in your arms. And you, Billy, feel you're entitled to a turn too."
3. Describe the problem with respect: "That's a tough one: Two children & only one puppy."
4. Express confidence in the children's ability to find their own solution: "I have confidence that you two can work out a solution that's fair to each of you...& fair to the puppy."
5. Leave the room.
Helping Children Resolve a Difficult Conflict
1. Call a meeting of the concerned parties & explain the purpose of the meeting.
"There's a situation in this family that's causing unhappiness. We need to see what can be worked out to help everyone feel better."
2. Explain the ground rules to everyone.
"We're calling this meeting because something is bothering Janie. First we'll be hearing from Janie--with no interruptions. When she's finished, we want to hear how you see things, Bill, & no one will interrupt you."
3. Write down each child's feelings & concerns. Read them aloud to both children to be sure you've understood them correctly.
"It scares Janie when we go out. She says Bill is mean to her. Last time he turned off the TV & yanked her off the couch & hurt her arm."
"Bill says he only turned off the TV because she was watching too long & wouldn't listen to him. He feels he pulled her arm gently & couldn't possibly have hurt her."
4. Allow each child time for rebuttal.
Janie: I have a black & blue mark to prove you hurt me. And my program had only five minutes to go!
Bill: That's an old black & blue mark. And the program was just beginning.
5. Invite everyone to suggest as many solutions as possible. Write down all ideas without evaluating. Let the kids go first.
Bill: Janie should listen to me because I'm older.
Janie: Bill shouldn't be allowed to tell me what to do or hurt me.
Parent: Hire a sitter.
Bill: Let me go out.
Janie: Let me have a friend over.
Bill: Before Mom & Dad leave, set up a schedule for TV & bedtime.
Janie: People should be their own bosses & in charge of themselves.
6. Decide upon the solutions you can all live with.
No sitter.
No hurting.
No bosses.
TV schedule to be worked out in advance with parents.
Each person to be responsible for self.
7. Follow-up.
"We'll meet again next Sunday to see if we're satisfied with the way things are going."
Children should be encouraged to share, for very practical reasons. Just to get along in this World, they'll need to know how to share--goods, space, themselves. And for spiritual reasons as well. We want our children to experience the pleasure & good will that comes from voluntary giving. Making children share, however, only makes them clutch their possessions more tightly. Forced sharing undermines good will.
We are searching for ways to increase good feelings between our children. For ways to make fighting less likely. Whether parents take the stance: "In this house I'm the one who's going to decide who has to share, who gets to keep; what's reasonable, what's unreasonable; who is right, who is wrong," the children end up becoming more dependent upon the parent & more hostile towards their siblings.
I asked, "What eases the tension, what makes harmony possible, is the attitude of `Who needs what?...Who feels what?...What solutions can be worked out that take everyone's feelings & needs into account?' We're not so much interested in technicalities as we are in each other's well being.
"We haven't got all the answers yet. All we have is a direction. Basically we try not to interfere, but when we must step in, it's always with the thought that at the earliest possible moment we want to turn the children back to dealing with each other. We want them to experience themselves as solvers of problems. That's the best preparation we can give them for the rest of their lives."
A Quick Reminder...
How To Give Support To The Child Who Asks For It Without Taking Sides
Jimmy: Daddy, I can't finish my map for school. Make her give me the crayons!
Amy: No. I have to colour my flower.
1. State each child's case: "Let me get this straight. Jimmy, you need the crayons to finish your homework. And Amy, you want to finish colouring."
2. State the value or rule: "Homework assignments get top priority."
3. Leave the doorway open for the possibility of negotiation: "But Jimmy, if you want to work something out with your sister, that's up to you.
4. Leave.
The Questions
Question: Aside from not forcing sharing, how else could you encourage it?
Answer:
1. By putting the children in charge of the sharing. ("Kids, I bought one bottle of bubble soap for everyone. What's the best way to share it?")
2. By pointing out the advantages of sharing. ("If you give her half of your red crayon, & she gives you half of her blue crayon, you'll both be able to make purple.")
3. By allowing time for volunteering. ("Lucy will let you know when she's ready to share.")
4. By showing appreciation for sharing when it occurs spontaneously. ("Thank you for giving me a bit of your cookie. It was delicious.")
5. By modeling sharing yourself. ("Now I want to give you a bit of my cookie.")
Question: Last Sunday, my boys were arguing over whether we should go to the park or the beach. Should I have suggested that we all put it to a vote?
Answer: Voting can create bad feelings, particularly when the vote becomes a substitute for hearing each child's point of view: "OK, let's not waste time arguing. We'll take a vote. Park or beach? Four for beach, one for park. Beach wins. Let's go, everybody." No wonder the child who is in the minority feels betrayed by this form of "democracy."
The times when I couldn't get a consensus through discussion & was driven to call a vote (it was either that or spend the day at home discussing how to spend the day), I made it a point to say aloud (after the cheers of the winners subsided) what I thought might be the feelings of the loser. "We're going to the beach, because that's what the majority voted for. But I want everyone here to know that one person is disappointed. Andy was really looking forward to going to the park today." That usually stopped the gloating & comforted the loser.
+ + +
I'm the one who's coming to class, but my husband is the one who's making changes, just from reading my notes. Yesterday morning, as we sat down to breakfast, Billy & Roy started arguing about who was going to sit in the chair near the window. As the fighting escalated, my husband shouted out, "Nobody is going to sit in this chair--except me!"
He then hauled both boys off the chair & sat there himself. Billy responded by yelling, "I hate you, Daddy." The whole breakfast was quickly becoming a disaster.
Then something must have clicked in my husband's head. He said, "Gee, Billy, I see how upset you are. It really was very important for you to sit here this morning."
Bill responded with full-force, "Yeah!" & his anger just left him. Then my husband said, "I bet you & Roy could work something out that's fair to both of you."
To our amazement, they started working out a plan where Billy would sit in the chair for breakfast & Roy would sit in it for dinner. Before I knew it, the whole atmosphere had changed.
+ + +
Our time was up. For the first time I was glad for the long drive home, & grateful for the silence in the car. There was a lot to think about.
"Imagine," I thought, "a World in which brothers & sisters grow up in homes where hurting isn't allowed; where children are taught to express their anger at each other sanely & safely; where each child is valued as an individual, not in relation to the others; where cooperation, rather than competition is the norm; where no one is trapped in a role; where children have daily experience & guidance in resolving their differences.
"And what if these children grow up to become the World shapers of tomorrow? What a tomorrow that would be! The kids brought up in such homes would know how to attack the World's problems without attacking our precious World. They would have the skills & the commitment to do it. They would save our global family."
It started to rain. I put on my windshield wipers & turned on the news.
Uncanny. It was like hearing the stories in our group, but only a larger scale: Disputes over territory, disputes over belief systems; the "have-nots" jealous of the "haves"; the big guys muscling in on the little guys; the little guys bringing their complaints to the UN & the World Court; long, complicated histories of bitterness & distrust being played out with anger & bombs.
But tonight it didn't get to me. Tonight I was overflowing with optimism. If after such long histories of pain & competition & injustice, the urge to reconcile still wells up so powerfully between siblings, then why not envision another kind of World? A World in which brothers & sisters of all nations, determined to resolve grievances that separate them, reach out to each other, & discover for themselves the love & strength that one sibling can give the other.
I turned off the radio. The rain was letting up. Suddenly all things seemed possible.