A HUG & A KISS--AND A KICK IN THE PANTS--A Creative Approach to Preventing Disciplinary Problems--By Dr. Kay Kuzma
A Hug & a Kiss...&...
"Kevin, I need your help," I said one hurried morning. "We have 15 minutes before we have to leave for school & I can't get everything done by myself."
"But I don't want to help."
"Well, what will it take to change your mind?"
"What will you give me?" gleamed 9-year-old Kevin, seeing an opportunity to bargain for something special.
Not wanting to be bribed into promising the moon, I told him I'd give him a hug.
"That's not enough," responded Kevin with visions of sugarplums & dimes dancing before his eyes.
"Okay," I said, willing to bargain. "I'll just have to give you something else."
"What?" replied Kevin eagerly.
"For everything you do for me, I'll not only give you a hug, but I'll also give you a kiss!"
This is not what Kevin wanted--or expected. "Not enough," he said again, shaking his head.
"Well, enough of that sweet stuff!" I thought. "I'll end up bargaining the 15 minutes away."
"All right," I said, "for everything you do for me I'll give you a hug & a kiss--& a kick in the pants."
"A what?!" he asked, startled.
"A kick in the pants," I repeated.
"No," he laughed as he shook his head. "That's still not enough."
"OK, I'll give you something else if you really want it."
"What?" he asked again.
"Well," I hesitated, "I'll give you a hug & a kiss..& a kick in the pants &...a nibble on the ear."
He hesitated momentarily as if he couldn't believe this was coming from his mom & then shouted, "I'll take it!"
Now, I would never suggest that a kick in the pants is the answer for a parent who complains of a child balking when it comes to housework. It probably wouldn't work for your child. It may never work again with Kevin. But we sure had a great time with the game while it lasted--& it certainly was effective in getting Kevin to do what needed to be done. Life is a whole lot more pleasant if occasionally you make a game out of it. Most parents threaten & shout when a child hesitates to obey. But that only makes the discipline task distasteful to both young & old. If the same lesson of obedience can be taught in a clever, fun-loving way, why not?
The String Strategy
I believe children are born with varied characteristics, some of which are easier to live with than others.
When a number of more difficult characteristics are seen in the personality & behaviour of your child, the tendency is to try to force him into behaving more like the "perfect" child you want him to be. The more you push your expectations upon him, rather than respecting his God-given characteristics, the more resistant he becomes to change--& the more defiant.
I can best illustrate what I mean with a string, because children are like strings.
Take a string & stretch it out in front of you. Now take one end & push the string forward--against itself. Does the string move straight in the direction that you're pushing? No, of course not. It wrinkles up. And if you keep pushing you will soon have a wadded-up string. But try pulling the string in the way you want it to go & it will follow.
Children are like strings; they tend to resist when they feel pushed or forced into doing something.
The key to diminishing a child's stubborn resistance is to remember just how much children & strings are alike. If you push them in the direction you want them to go, they won't do it.
Using the String Strategy--not pushing the child but leading him--should begin at birth by respecting the child's rights as a human being. Don't rudely interrupt a baby by snatching away a rattle, abruptly sticking a bottle in her mouth, or picking her up as if she were a rag doll & had no feelings. Don't impose your will on the baby just because she has no choice.
Instead, slow down. Observe your baby. If she is interested in something, respect that. Talk to her even though she can't answer yet. When you must pick her up, you could say, "Are you ready to go with Mommy? I'll pick you up now."
Prepare your infant for changes you are going to be imposing on her. Get her attention. Tell her what you are going to do. If it's changing diapers, keep up a running commentary on your actions & this will capture her full attention. You'll notice the wiggling--the resistance--will disappear! Then say, "Thank you for being so cooperative," & reward her for compliance. Give her an extra snuggle & kiss. Rewarding the child for compliance is a lot better than forcing your will on her & then having to punish her for defiance.
Motivating, encouraging, guiding, & influencing does take time, but it's worth it in order to have the child willingly comply with your requests rather than stubbornly resist everything you say or make decisions based on an attitude of rebellion. Here are some ways to lead your child in the way you want him to go:
1. Make requests only when your child is not deeply absorbed in some favourite activity. Children don't like to be interrupted any more than adults do.
2. Give your child fair warning that a change is about to take place. "You have ten minutes before you need to put away your blocks. I'll set the timer."
3. Ask for cooperation: "I really need your help to set the table."
4. When possible, give the child a choice: "I've listed 3 things that have to be done before we go shopping. Which task would you rather do?"
5. Work together happily. Children enjoy doing what you're doing--if you're fun to be around.
6. Use humour & playacting to hurdle potential conflicts. Play beauty shop when combing tangled hair. Play restaurant with finicky eaters.
7. Encourage! Encourage! Encourage! Remember, it's a discouraged child that most often misbehaves. You can turn defiance into compliance if you just remember the String Strategy!
Apply the Love Cup Principle
Love is essential for a child's healthy development. It's also important for changing negative behaviour into positive behaviour. In fact, sometimes love is a more effective behaviour changer than discipline!
The Love Cup principle explains why this is so. Your child is like a cup. When he is filled to overflowing he has enough love to give away, he can be loving to you & others, & he will tend to behave in an acceptable manner.
Children equate love with attention. So when your child feels empty, he will try to fill himself with attention, & too often his bid for attention results in obnoxious behaviour. Parents generally interpret this negative behaviour as something that deserves punishment. But if your child's misbehaviour is caused by an empty love cup, punishment will be ineffective. His need for love must first be satisfied.
The story of Lori illustrates how the Love Cup principle works in practice.
Seven-year-old Lori was having a miserable day. She whined, pouted, pushed her little sister, Lisa, & then grabbed away Lisa's favourite doll.
Finally, Mother could stand it no longer, "Lori, what has gotten into you? You'd better straighten up & be kind to your sister, or you're going to get it!"
Lori paid no attention to the threat & continued to say mean things to Lisa. At bedtime Mother told Lori that her words were so sour that she felt very unhappy. That made Lori even more angry. "You like Lisa more than you like me," Lori retorted. She fell asleep sulking.
The next morning Lori woke up in a bad mood. She complained miserably when Mother attempted to comb out the tangles in her hair. Mother was beside herself; what was wrong with Lori?
Could Lori be suffering from a lack of positive attention? Mother called, "Lori, I think I know what is wrong with you."
"You do?" Lori looked puzzled.
"Yes," said her mother, "your love cup is empty! Come over here & let me fill it up."
Mom sat Lori on her lap & hugged & kissed her & told her how special she was. Lori was surprised, but she obviously enjoyed the attention. She knew she deserved the opposite. After a minute, Mother asked Lori if her love cup was filled.
"No, but it's up to here," said Lori, as she pointed to her chest.
Mother loved her up again. Then she asked, "Is it full now?"
"No," said Lori, "but it's up to my chin."
"Good," said Mother, with a big hug. "Let's see if we can't get that cup so full that it will spill right over the top."
Finally, with a big smile on her face, Lori said that she was full & running over.
"Well, if you've got that much love," said Mother, "why don't you give some of it to your sister?"
"Oh, no," said Lori, "Lisa will just push me away." Mother knew that after the obnoxious way Lori had treated Lisa, that just might happen. But she encouraged Lori to try. Somewhat hesitantly, Lori went up to Lisa & said, "Lisa, I love you," & gave her a hug. Lisa hugged her sister back, real tight. Then they both headed off hand in hand to the breakfast table.
But that's not the end of the story. A few weeks later, Mother had a terrible day. She grumbled & spoke harshly to the girls. After a while, Lori said, "Mommy, I think I know what's wrong with you. Your love cup's empty!" Then she threw her arms around her mom's neck & gave her a big kiss. Do you know what happened to Mother's love cup? Just like that, it filled to overflowing & Mom was her happy self again!
How often do good children get much attention? Not often. Most children find that they get more attention by being bad, by showing off, acting silly, being destructive, or getting into mischief. Getting attention sometimes becomes such an overwhelming need that children cease to care if it is positive or negative. Being yelled at or beaten is better than being ignored. I hope your child doesn't have to misbehave in order to get your attention.
Remember the Love Cup principle the next time someone you know becomes obnoxious. When her cup is empty, nothing will change that offensive behaviour quite as quickly as a little extra love--positive attention. Spend some fun time together, encourage your child, or share some words of appreciation. See if it doesn't make a difference & reduce your child's need for negative behaviour.
Three Basic Commandments
Most children grow up with 9,528 rules that cover every minor infraction. But what good are rules if the child can't remember them? If you've ever heard your child say, "But Dad, I don't remember you ever telling me that," then chances are you've given your child more rules than he can remember. Rules alone don't make well-disciplined children!
Just making up more rules is never going to help your child learn what's right & wrong. If he is not clear on what makes a behaviour right or wrong, then he'll never be able to make wise decisions on his own.
So throw away your rule book. Instead, establish 3 basic commandments as the code of behaviour for your children--& YOU! Here you are:
1) You may not hurt others.
2) You may not hurt yourself.
3) You may not hurt things.
These three basic commandments cover an abundance of misbehaviour, allowing the child the necessary framework for making decisions. Without these three rules, kids can make some pretty foolish decisions. For example, Jack wants to play baseball in your front yard. He checks the old rule book & can't remember whether you have ever said, "No baseball in the front yard." He does recall that rule #5422 says, "No football in the garden." That's close, but this is the front yard, not the garden, & it's baseball, not football. So he calls, "Batter up," without ever thinking about the picture window a few yards away!
But if he would apply the three commandments to this situation, then he would ask, "Will playing baseball in the front yard hurt others? No. Will it hurt me? No. Will it hurt things? Oh, oh, there is the picture window. It could easily get broken. I guess I had better not play baseball in the front yard."
If you are consistent in applying these three commandments to the various limits in your home, it won't take long for your children to get the idea. The more often you remind them of these commandments in the early years, the sooner they will start applying them to the decisions they make about what they should or should not do. And when this happens, you will find your job as the family disciplinarian a whole lot easier.
Categorising Kids' Behaviour
I doubt if it will surprise you if I tell you that you can't teach your child everything at once. If you try, you will be constantly nagging, & the consequence of this is not very pleasant. In the first place, you'll become negative & frustrated & miss the joy of parenting. Second, you'll make your child's life miserable. Most children can only take pushy parents so long before they end up rebelling.
But the biggest consequence of trying to teach your child everything at once is that you'll be so busy correcting the minor infractions that you may not have the energy or time to deal with the major ones--the behaviour that violates one of the three basic commandments of not hurting others, yourself or things. If this happens, the child begins to feel that these commandments are really not so important after all, & he loses respect for your authority.
Therefore, you must decide what is really important to you at this time & concentrate on teaching those things. Once those lessons are learned, you can move on to secondary matters. I've found it helps to begin by dividing your child's behaviour into three categories.
Category 1: Behaviour you approve of & would like to see more often. Your list might include such things as: Being polite, sharing toys, sorting the dirty clothes, playing quietly while baby naps, etc.
Category 2: Behaviour that you can't allow because it breaks one of the three basic commandments of hurting others, yourself or things. This list might include: Standing up in the bathtub, biting siblings, or throwing things in the house.
Category 3: Behaviour that you may not like, but you can live with! This will probably be your longest list. Category 3 behaviours might include such things as: Making "lumpy" beds with the sheet hanging below the bedspread, using a thumb to push the last bite on the fork, etc.
Once you have categorised your child's behaviours then your plan of action is simple.
For Category 1: Reward the behaviour you approve.
For Category 2: Correct the behaviour you can't allow.
For Category 3: Either ignore the things you may not like but can tolerate, or creatively teach the child more appropriate behaviour without her knowing what's happening.
Your first step in dealing with Category 3 behaviour is to organise these behaviours according to how badly they bother you. You must decide what's really important to deal with NOW. Making the bed may be important, but not as important as brushing teeth & saying, "Please." Therefore, concentrate on toothbrushing & saying "please." Once these become habitual, you can move on to creatively teach other behaviours.
Carefully monitor yourself--& your child. If you notice you are correcting more than you are rewarding, something is wrong.
Teaching Easy Obedience
I believe in having a good time with children, but that doesn't mean I'm indifferent to misbehaviour or am afraid to lay down the law if necessary. Quite the opposite. The creative approach to discipline only works if parents are strong enough to establish, maintain, & enforce limits. Only then will children feel secure in their environment & respect the adult enough to willingly obey.
Teaching children to obey doesn't have to be a tiresome task. It can be fun. However, you can't laugh, play games, & joke with your children & expect obedience unless you establish certain ground rules.
Obedience is the most important lesson a child must learn. Your goal is to establish within your children a basic willingness to obey. The first essential factor in teaching children obedience is to establish their respect for your authority by making sure you enforce your requests consistently.
The first few years of your child's life is the time to convey the message of your authority. To do this you must enforce your instructions & requests immediately. However, make sure that your instructions are enforceable. Too many parents go about teaching the obedience lesson all wrong, trying to enforce the unenforceable. For example: "Stop crying. Now, I'll have no more of that. If you don't stop crying this instant, I'll give you something to cry about!" Sound familiar? Or this, "Eat those vegetables. I said eat them--don't you dare spit them out!"
These types of requests can't be enforced. You can shout until you're blue in the face, threaten & bribe--but if the child really doesn't want to do it, he has ultimate control of his crying, eating, sleeping, & eliminating. Start with requests that are realistic--requests that you can enforce. For example:
"Come inside." (Go out & bring your child in.)
"Wash your face & hands." (Lead your child to the basin & hand him soap & a washcloth.)
"Put your bike away." (Take your child by the hand & lead her to the bicycle. Help her put it away.)
Once you have decided that you can enforce a certain request, here is the procedure to follow:
1) Make the request once & be sure that the child hears & understands.
2) If the child responds positively, reward her with a word of appreciation at the feeling level: "I feel happy when you do what I ask," or with a special demonstration of love, like a hug or a smile.
3) If your child doesn't respond, repeat the request as you begin to enforce it. For example, "I asked you to come into the house for supper." Then do whatever is necessary to get her willing compliance. For example, make a game of getting to the house. "I bet I can beat you to the back door!" "Let's guess how many steps it will take to get to your chair at the table!" You might want to take the child's hand & skip to the door.
Beware of distraction techniques that your child may try to use to get out of having to obey or to delay obedience. "It isn't my turn to empty the trash." "I did it last time." "It isn't fair." Even "I love you, Mommy," or "What time is it?" can be attempts at distraction. Distraction techniques should be totally ignored--not discussed at all--until the request is obeyed. Simply repeat your request again after each distraction technique is used.
Mom: Empty the trash.
Junior: It's too hard.
Mom: Empty the trash.
Junior: Why do I have to do it right now?
Mom: Empty the trash.
Junior: I had to do it last time. Unfair!
Mom: Empty the trash.
Junior: When can I go out to play?
Mom: Empty the trash.
Do you get the idea? You may sound like a broken record, but once your child discovers that distraction techniques don't work, obedience comes much easier.
It takes time to consistently enforce your requests. But if you're inconsistent, then all you can expect of your child is a 50/50 compliance rate.
Let's pretend that Mom thinks it is very important for Junior to make his bed each morning. He knows exactly how she feels--it is a rule that he should obey. But Mom is very busy during morning hours & often forgets to check his room. When she does check & finds an unmade bed, she sometimes feels that it's easier to ignore the infraction than to exert the extra effort needed to get him to make his bed before the school bus arrives. So she decides to wait until after school. Then, by the time they both get home, the bed is forgotten.
Now, Mom still feels very strongly about the bed, & she has communicated to Junior in no uncertain terms. Shouldn't this be enough to get the job done? He clearly knows what he should do. Why doesn't he do it? The reason is that this requirement has not been consistently enforced.
If Mom would consistently enforce & reinforce the type of behaviour she expected from her child until this behaviour became ingrained & habitual, Junior would wake up in the morning & say, "Let's see, shall I make my bed?" Then he would weigh the alternatives ("If I don't, Mom will make me do it before breakfast") & make a wise decision ("I guess I'd better do it & get it over with").
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If you would train your children rightly, train them in the way they should go & not in the way they would.
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It is particularly difficult to be consistent when Dad, Mom, Grandpa, Cousin Joe, Aunt Bessie & the baby-sitter are all involved in parenting. A child will take full advantage of this opportunity & play one adult against another in order to get his own way. A child does not have to take lessons to learn how to divide & conquer! Agreeing on what the limits for a child should be & then consistently enforcing them will convince your child that he can't get away with disobedience.
Setting Obeyable Limits
Obedience is the willingness to live within the limits that have been established by others. We find limits on every level of society, & we can quickly get into hot water by ignoring them. The sooner your child can learn the importance of obeying limits, the happier he will be--& the more fulfilling your job as a parent will be. "Children, obey your parents" (Eph.6:1) is wise counsel. Why is it that some children have such a difficult time obeying?
Children react to limits the same way adults do. If the consequence is severe enough to be meaningful, they will be obedient. If they are afraid of the social consequences of disobedience, they will comply. But if the consequence is insignificant & everyone else is ignoring the limits, they will take their chances. And when the limit is unclear--if one thing is stated but there is no consequence for slight infractions or if there is inconsistent enforcement of the limits--then kids will not only bounce up against the limits, but more often than not will bounce right through them.
Here is a checklist of questions to ask yourself in determining if a limit is "obeyable."
1. Is the limit clear? When you ask your child to mow the lawn, what do you mean? Do you mean that in addition to mowing the lawn, the grass clippings need to be raked into piles & bagged for the trash? Do you want your child to also use the edger? If so, be sure to state that exactly.
2. When do you expect obedience? Is the time limit clear? Is it reasonable to both you & your child? Does your child agree to this time limit?
3. Is the consequence for disobedience severe enough to be meaningful? Have you stated the consequence clearly? If you are not yet sure what the consequence should be, have you at least made sure your child knows there will be one? Are you prepared to follow through with imposing the consequence?
4. Is the social pressure such that obedience is possible? Or are other children disobeying the limit, making it more difficult for your child to comply? On the other hand, is there a possibility for social acceptance if the limit is obeyed or social embarrassment if it is not?
5. Does your child understand your limit? Can your child tell you in her own words what she understands the request to be? Have you written it down so she can read it?
If you don't want your child bouncing through your limits, then you've got to make it very clear that you mean what you say.
LETTING THEM LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES
Billy goofed around after school & got home late. He missed going to the basketball game with his friends--they just couldn't wait.
Sue planted a garden for her school project & forgot to water it. Everything died & she received an F on the project.
Jim left his good catcher's mitt out on the lawn overnight. The automatic sprinkler system came on & by morning the mitt was a soggy mess. Jim missed a fly ball to left field in the championship game that afternoon & the other team won because the mitt he had to borrow wasn't familiar.
Consequences. They often seem so harsh. Why didn't Bill's Mom try to find him after school so he could see his favourite team play? Why didn't Dad water Sue's garden when he saw the radishes drooping? Why didn't Jim's parents remind him to bring in his mitt? It was an expensive loss.
Why? Because those parents had wisely learned that one of the best techniques for modifying a child's behaviour is to let her suffer the consequences of her inappropriate behaviour--to learn from her mistakes. Consequences are especially effective when milder measures, such as reminding or warning a child, have failed to produce behaviour changes. Letting the child suffer the consequences is the quickest &, in the long run, the most painless way to encourage a child to make wise decisions.
If children don't understand the link between their actions & certain consequences, they may feel they can get by with whatever they choose. Delinquents, for example, are sometimes surprised when their unlawful behaviour finally results in a prison sentence.
"Why me?" they question.
"Why? Because you broke the law!"
"Sure I broke the law. I've been breaking laws all my life & nothing has ever happened before. Why now?"
Consequences come in two types: Natural ones, & those that are imposed by parents or some other authority figure.
Natural consequences happen automatically if the child continues on his own path of "destruction." For example, the natural consequences of eating green apples might be a stomach ache, or the natural consequence of a messy room might be to suffer embarrassment when a teacher comes to visit. Children often learn they'd better not hit others by suffering the natural consequence of getting hit back. Others learn to lock up their bikes because they didn't & their bikes were stolen.
Sometimes the natural consequences can be harmful to children, such as the consequence of being hit by a car when playing in the street or getting burned when experimenting with matches. Parents need to protect children from these terrible consequences, but at the same time teach them to be responsible for their behaviour. Other actions (such as not cleaning one's room) don't carry many natural consequences, so the parents have to create them. The way you do this is by imposing a consequence on the child--a logical consequence, so the child gets the message that his punishment is related to his crime.
I've found some of the biggest lessons my kids have learned were lessons they taught themselves by suffering from the natural consequences of their behaviour.
For example, one time when Kim, Kari, & Kevin were preschoolers, they decided to buy their daddy a box of his favourite cookies for his birthday. As soon as the decision was made, they were so excited about getting the cookies that they wanted to go shopping immediately. So I drove them to the store. They found the cookie box on the shelf & gently carried it to the checkout clerk & started shaking their pennies out of their piggy bank.
At last the cookies was purchased & we headed home. I didn't have time to immediately wrap the gift, so I put it on the top shelf of the pantry, thinking it would be safe there.
Well, the kids had seen where I put it. And later that afternoon one of them said, "Boy, I bet Daddy's cookies are delicious. I wish I could have one."
"Me, too," they all agreed. "I bet Daddy wouldn't even know if we took one."
So Kim climbed up on the tall stool & reached for the box of cookies. She took out one, took off the wrapper, took a bit & started to hand what was left to Kari. "No," said Kari, "I want my own cookie."
"Me, too," chimed in Kevin. So Kim took two more cookies & gave them to Kari & Kevin. She looked at the box & decided no one could tell anything was missing, so she put it back on the top shelf.
But the next day, they again remembered the cookies--& back they went for more. Kim dished out three more. And they kept doing this until the box was empty. But they never said anything to me. So the day of Jan's birthday I took the box down & wrapped it without realising what they'd done.
"What's in Daddy's package?" the kids asked when they saw the present.
"The cookies you bought for Daddy's birthday," I answered.
"But," gasped the kids, "we can't give Daddy that."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because, it's empty."
"It's empty?!" I exclaimed.
"Yes," said the kids. "We ate them all. We'll have to get Daddy some more."
"There isn't time," I explained. "And you don't have any more money. You'll just have to give Daddy an empty birthday present!"
And that's what happened. Jan unwrapped the gift & asked, "What is it?"
"It's an empty birthday present." They hung their heads in embarrassment. "We ate them all. But we're sorry--& we'll never give you an empty birthday present again!"
They never did!
Now, I could have lectured them about not stealing & about how terrible it was not to have a present for Daddy. I could have sent them to their rooms or even spanked them. And then having punished them for their wrongdoing, I could have gone down & bought another box of cookies. But the effect would never have been the same.
It's sometimes difficult to allow your child to experience the natural consequence because "good" parents want the best for their children. I know one mom who gets up early each day to make a lunch for her teenage boy, even though it's his job to make his own. Why? Because she doesn't want him to go hungry. He's not about to put himself out making a lunch when his mom always bails him out. So what should be his responsibility has become hers because she isn't willing to allow him to suffer the consequence of being hungry.
When there is no natural consequence, or the natural consequence is harmful, parents must impose a consequence that will help the child see the folly of his behaviour & learn a lesson from the experience. You can't allow a two-year-old to run out into the street. The natural consequence is that she might get killed. You can't allow a 10-year-old to pick your neighbour's apples without asking. The neighbour might verbally rip the child apart or send for the police. Or getting away with the theft might encourage this behaviour in the future.
Instead, in such cases, you must teach a child what is inappropriate by using a parent-imposed logical consequence. For example, "If you go out in the street you'll have to play in the fenced back yard." "If you pick our neighbour's applies, I will have to take $10 from your allowance, & together we will tell Mr. Johnson that this money is your payment for the apples."
Some parents say, "I use parent-imposed consequences all the time. If my child breaks a window, I spank him. If he gets into a fight, I spank him. If he spills his milk, I spank him." These are parent-imposed consequences, but they are NOT logical consequences that are related to a child's specific behaviour.
To be most effective, a parent-imposed consequence must be clearly linked to a child's behaviour. If a child breaks a window, let her clean up the mess (if she is old enough not to get cut), apologise to the owner, & pay for the damages. If a child gets into a fight, a logical consequence might be, "If you can't get along, you two will have to be separated or sit in the talk-it-over chairs (two facing chairs) where children must sit until they have settled their dispute." Even a young child can wipe up spilled milk & learn a lesson about the consequences of carelessness.
The beauty of using natural & logical consequences is that a child can never truthfully shout, "Unfair." He begins to learn that the discipline fits the act, & that he deserves to suffer the consequences.
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Try to fit the punishment to the crime!--Punish the offending member firmly & surely, after fair warning & threats, so they know what's coming if they persist.--And do it consistently without fail so they'll know they've always surely & certainly got t coming if they do the thing you warned them not to.
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It doesn't take much experience for children to have a pretty good idea about what would be a fair consequence for their misbehaviour. So if you're in question about what to do, or if your child is older & you feel he may resent your discipline, treat him as God treated King David & allow the child to choose the consequences. God told David not to take a census of the people, but David wanted to know how great his kingdom was, so he went against God's instructions. To teach David the importance of obedience, God was going to impose a consequence, but He gave David the choice--3 years of famine, 3 months of pursuit in battle, or 3 days of fatal plague in the land. (See 2Sam.24.)
Rather than risk the child's resentment of what he considers unjust discipline, allow him to choose even if you feel his choice may be too lenient. If the lesson is learned, the severity of the consequence doesn't matter.
Creative disciplinarians don't just haul off & hit a kid. The consider carefully the type of discipline that will teach the child the lifetime lesson that obedience pays. So why not make your "punishment" fit the "crime," & start allowing your child to learn from the consequences!
Saying Yes Instead of No
If you have ever said no to your child only to have her pout, kick or scream until you ended up saying yes, then you must have realised there has to be a better way. All you have to do the next time your child makes a request is to say yes first, unless you really mean no.
The following illustration shows how much more effective the YES method can be. Here's a typical fast-food restaurant scene:
Mom (to her preschooler): Eat your burger.
Junior: I wanna go play on the toys. May I?
Mom: NO! Eat your lunch.
Junior (starting to pout): But I wanna play.
Mom (getting frustrated): I said eat your burger.
Junior (wiggling in his chair & faking a whimper): I wanna play.
Mom has had it at this point & turns to her 10-year-old daughter across the table. "Shelly, take off your belt & hand it to me." Mom holds the belt in a threatening position while she glares at Junior, pouting in his chair. Slowly he reaches for his burger & takes a bite--& Mother turns back to the conversation she is having with a friend.
A few minutes later Junior notices the ice-cream cone his sister has gotten because she finished her meal, & he whines, "I wanna ice cream."
Mom ignores his request & blurts out, "Eat that burger at once or I'll use this belt."
Junior pouts quietly, then climbs out of his chair & rubs up against mother. She reaches down & puts on his coat & tells sister, "Take him outside & watch him."
At last the little boy has gotten what he wanted, & he runs happily out to play on the inviting playground equipment. Later he comes back in to finish his meal & leaves with an ice-cream cone!
That's what happens far too often when parents say no. Kids have ways of either pouting or nagging their parents into giving in to them. If only this mother had used the YES method of child rearing, what a difference it would have made. For example, the scene could have gone like this:
Mom: Eat your burger.
Junior: I wanna go play on the toys. Can I?
Mom: Yes, you may go, just as soon as you take 3 more bites.
Junior then bites into the burger & runs happily off to play while Mom eats in peace. We might even pretend that the child runs back indoors & asks, "Mom, will you come & play?" And Mom, using the YES method might respond, "Yes, after I finish my burger. Do you want another bite?" And chances are the child will take a couple more bites before heading back out to the play equipment.
The YES method doesn't mean you're wishy-washy, & it doesn't mean you always allow your child to get her way. Everyone wins with the YES method. For example, going back to the restaurant scene, just look at the benefits of saying yes: Mother got to eat in peace; Junior got to play--& ended up eating just as much as he did with the threat of getting spanked. Sister got to play with a happy sibling--& not baby-sit a pouting one. And everyone in the restaurant was able to enjoy their meal.
If the YES method sounds like something you need to cultivate, then start practicing the "yes-but" reply.
"Yes, you may play outdoors, but you must wear your long underwear, a heavy jacket, boots, earmuffs & only stay out 45 minutes."
"Yes, you can go shopping for a new dress, but you'll have to earn the money to pay for it."
"Yes, you may watch the TV program, but you know our family policy about violence. At the first violent act you'll have to turn it off."
It is a known fact that parents say no to their children's requests much more often than they say yes. Without thinking & for no good reason, the no just tumbles out!
So for the creative parent, here's a good rule to follow: If you don't want your children pouting & nagging you into changing your mind, only say no when you are absolutely sure that you mean no & won't under any circumstances change your mind.
The Ten-to-One Rule
Children need positive attention. Criticism, complaining & negative comments are discouraging & often result in more misbehaviour. But encouragement, optimism & positive strokes are to kids as fertiliser is to plants. It's the stuff that really makes them flourish.
Rudolf Dreikurs, the highly respected child psychiatrist, once said, "Encouragement is more important than any other aspect of child raising. It is so important that the lack of it can be considered the basic cause for misbehaviour. A misbehaving child is a discouraged child. Each child needs continuous encouragement just as plants need water."
Why not reward the positive? If you want to be a creative disciplinarian it's very important to catch your children being good. In fact, the ten-to-one rule is what I recommend: Ten positive strokes to every negative one! Applying this rule will help you become the positive parent you've always wanted to be.
The lack of positive attention can cause tremendous behaviour problems in children. For example, one mother complained, "I'm having real problems with my 5-year-old son, Kurt. He is sassy & wilful. Whatever I ask him to do, he does the opposite. I can't understand this since his older brother, Dean, is such a jewel. I try to treat them the same but I find myself spending more time with Dean because he is such a pleasant person. Why is there such a difference in their behaviour?"
It's really surprising, isn't it, when one child is so good & the next so "bad"? Even though you treat both of them the same, you seem to get opposite results. The reason for this is that children are born with different characteristics which may either make them easy or difficult to live with. But regardless of their inborn characteristics, all children need positive attention. They need to feel special. They need to hear compliments & receive recognition.
When one child in the family is super-compliant & naturally receives abundant amounts of positive attention, the more difficult child notices, at least on an unconscious level. It's interesting how often it is the firstborn who seems to go along with what the parents say, & the second who rebels. The younger begins to feel that the older child (or the submissive child) has a monopoly on getting attention for compliance. The second child reasons that he could not possibly be as good, no matter how hard he tries, so why compete?
But the difficult child needs & craves attention, so he chooses another area in which to excel--often opting for the role of the rebel. He would rather have negative attention than little or no attention at all!
Chances are this need for attention was what was causing Kurt to be so obnoxious. The question is, how can you modify the behaviour of a child like Kurt? Here are some ideas:
1. Make sure both children have their share of positive recognition. This may mean noticing a lot more of the positive things that Kurt does; things that to you may seem insignificant. Reward him for little bits of compliance.
2. Make it fun & easy for Kurt to obey. For a while, don't ask him to do things when you know he will resist. You want as much compliance as possible so you can give more positive attention.
3. Be firm on the limits that are absolutely essential. Don't accept disrespectful or sassy behaviour--but don't give him a lot of negative attention for this either. When it happens, calmly say, "I feel hurt when you treat me like that, & you may not hurt others." And then you can send him to his room until he chooses to act appropriately, or impose some other type of discipline.
4. Finally, follow the ten-to-one rule. Try to give your child ten positive strokes to every negative one. Because the more difficult child is obviously going to get a few more negative strokes, you must proportionally increase the positive interactions with him in order for it to have the same effect. For example, you might notice Kurt's smile, his remembering to say please & thank you, or just his willingness to spend a few extra minutes playing with the dog who doesn't get much attention. You've got to become a master at catching your child being good.
Remember, a positive stroke doesn't always have to be given in words. Smile, wink, ruffle his hair--& he will get the message that you're tuned in to him & you will be filling his love cup. It can be quite a challenge but is worth it.
Establishing Values Early
Many of the behaviours you like or dislike in your child directly reflect what you value. For example, there's really nothing wrong with your child's eating with her fingers, if her fingers are clean. Whether a child should use fingers or a fork is dictated by values.
The majority of corrections that parents impose on their children are a direct reflection of their own values. These are behaviours that a parent feels strongly about, not because these behaviours hurt the individual, others or things, but because it's something they value personally.
Parental values differ. You & your spouse may not agree on such things as the importance of maintaining a vegetarian diet, the significance of getting to bed at a decent hour, or how much time a child needs for free play. These value clashes can cause major conflicts, leaving the child uncertain about what is really important.
It's also true that certain behaviour may be tolerated in one household & strictly forbidden in another. Since there is nothing inherently right or wrong in these behaviours, it can lead to severe parent-child conflicts because the child can't understand why her friend gets away with behaviour that is strictly forbidden for her.
The way to minimise these conflicts as much as possible is to clearly establish what is acceptable value-related behaviour & to do it as early in life as possible--preferably during infancy. Then when you hear, "But Jimmy gets to do that. Why can't I?" you have an answer. If you have clearly established acceptable behaviour for your family, you can say, "This is something that our family feels is important." Or "Our family's values are different & we couldn't allow that."
One of the best ways for young children to "catch" your values is to let them hear you expressing them within their hearing, but not directed toward them. Often a conversation overheard will have more impact than words spoken specifically to them.
You cannot dictate what values your child will ultimately hold. But if you want them to respect your values & if you want to increase the chances of their living by them during their growing years, then in addition to maintaining a good relationship with your children, be sure your values are reasonable, that you establish them early, & that you consistently maintain them through instruction & example.
IS THE PROBLEM WITH THE CHILD OR THE SITUATION?
There are two kinds of problems kids have: Situational problems that can be solved by modifying the situation or environment in some way, & human problems that can be solved only when the person with the problem chooses to change.
Most early behaviour problems are situational problems. These are problems that can be solved by a situational change. You can ward off the problem by meeting your child's needs before he has to misbehave to get your attention. In other cases, you take control & through discipline the problem is solved. Here are some common situational problems & their solutions.
Your baby cries: You change the diaper. The crying stops.
Your toddler throws food from the table: Her plate is removed & no more throwing.
Joyce experienced a typical situational problem with 4-year-old Betsy. Betsy was making everyone late for school. After breakfast, instead of brushing her teeth & putting on her coat so she was ready to leave, she just dawdled. Mom tried getting her up earlier in the morning, but that didn't seem to help. Even when breakfast was over ahead of schedule, Betsy couldn't get ready on time.
Finally Mom talked to Betsy about the problem & learned that even though Betsy loved kindergarten, she really wanted to spend more time with her mom. By dawdling each morning she was able to get more of her mom's attention, even though it was mostly negative.
Joyce admitted that the morning hours were hectic, & Betsy didn't get much attention unless she misbehaved. So she decided to try an experiment. She made lunches & set the table the night before so she would have an extra 20 minutes in the morning to devote to Betsy. She would read to her, play dolls, or have a tea party--whatever Betsy wanted. The result? Betsy blossomed with this extra attention & the problem disappeared.
Joyce realised that the problem of not getting ready for school on time was a situational problem brought on by Betsy's need for attention. Joyce's plan of attack, therefore, was to change the situation, & the problem was quickly resolved. If Joyce had misdiagnosed the problem she would probably have doubled her efforts at correcting & criticising Betsy & would have unknowingly contributed to the problem.
Not all problems are as simple to solve. Sometimes you must change your plan of attack, or you must try a wide variety of solutions before you find one that really works. Often, situational problems that could have been easily solved by a change in the environment become deep-seated human problems that affect every aspect of a child's life for many years to come--such as getting into the habit of showing off in order to get attention, or lying out of fear of harsh punishment.
If you have tried a dozen ways to get your child to stop a negative behaviour & nothing works, admit defeat & try this approach:
1. Talk to your child about her problem. Help her to recognise it as her problem & point out the negative effect this behaviour will have on her unless it is corrected.
2. Tell your child you are willing to help--but only if he wants to change & seeks your help. It just may be that a motivational reminder is all your child needs to give him the "ummph" to overcome that troublesome habit.
3. Start building your child's self-worth. Fill her love cup. Encourage. Instead of discipline, a completely different approach is now needed.
Help your children to see that they are the builders of their own personalities & reputations. They can choose the characteristics they want to develop. Sometimes they may feel like the Apostle Paul & end up doing what they don't want to do & not doing what they know they should do. But Christ can give them the courage & the self-control necessary to change--if they ask for His help. "All things are possible with God." (Mark 10:27)
Raising Responsible Children
Do you sometimes feel like a nagging ninny standing over your kids telling them every move to make? "Brush your teeth; make your bed; empty the trash." You hate to be so bossy, but what else can you do when kids don't do what they're supposed to?
Nagging will never turn irresponsible children into responsible ones, but I know three powerful strategies that will. The first has to do with encouraging your child to be his own boss, & the second is to challenge him to retrain you--his bossy parent! The third has to do with teaching your child to be a good decision maker so you won't need to tell him what to do. Here's how these strategies work.
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We should do with our children as God is with us: He tries to persuade us to do things through the right loving motivation because we want to do what's right, because we love Him & love others, not just because we're made to, forced to, or because of fear of punishment.
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Bossing can become an irritating way of life--a trap that older, more capable family members fall into. I know. It's happened to us. When Kevin was younger, Mom, Dad & two big sisters all told him what to do--over & over. But it wasn't until 6-year-old cousin Jennifer asked, "Why does everyone boss Kevin around?" that we recognised how bossy we had become. I decided I'd have to do something to encourage Kevin to take responsibility for his own behaviour. So one night as I was tucking him into bed I asked, "Kevin, do you like getting bossed around?"
"No," he said emphatically.
"Then you've got to be your own boss. Nobody will boss you around if you take control of your own life. When you do what you're supposed to do, nobody has to nag you. So whose fault is it that you get bossed?"
"Mine, I guess," he said sheepishly.
"That's right. Either you be your own boss & tell yourself what to do, or somebody else will have to boss you."
"But it's hard," sighed Kevin. "I don't like to do all the things I have to do."
"The things still have to be done. So either you take control of your life--or we'll boss you around. What will it take to get your boss to work?"
"Well, Mom, remember that little truck with the motorcycle in the back?"
"OK, that will be your boss's salary for two full days of work. I'll help you make a list each morning. You have until noon to prove that your boss is working. No one will remind or nag. But at noon, if your boss is not doing his job, then the rest of the family has the right to begin bossing your around--& that day won't count toward your truck. Remember, it has to be two full days in a row! Do you think your boss is strong enough to handle you?"
"I think so."
I leaned over & kissed his forehead. "Your boss will need a lot of rest. He'll be taking over the job of four people. Instead of everybody else bossing you around, he'll have to do it all by himself. Good night, Boss," I whispered as I closed the door.
Well, two days later Kevin's boss had earned his salary--the truck with the motorcycles in the back. The biggest problem was retraining Kevin's four previous bosses! But with Kevin taking responsibility for his own life, we soon settled back into our proper roles of controlling ours.
There are many kids who resent how their parents treat them, & they blame their parents. What they don't realise is that their parents are probably treating them exactly the way irresponsible children deserve to be treated. But if you say that straight out, kids won't buy it. So I enjoy challenging kids with the fact that they have the power to change their parents. It may be hard to "teach an old dog new tricks," but it is possible. And it's the same with parents. They're not easy to retrain. But sometimes it's important to try.
Children become good decision makers by making decisions. At a very early age, your child can learn to make simple decisions. He should be making his own decisions if he can seek the information he needs to make a good decision; evaluate the alternatives without bias; & accept the consequences of his decision. The acronym to remember is SEA: S for seeking information, E for evaluating the alternatives, & A for accepting the consequences.
Here is how the strategy works. Let's say your 3-year-old wants to run out into a busy street. You don't allow her to make such a decision. She is too young to understand the crucial information about the speed & momentum of moving vehicles relative to 3-year-old legs. Evaluating the pros & cons of running into the street is beyond her ability, & the consequences are too severe. So you impose your own decision.
But the same 3-year-old may be ready to make a simple, non-threatening choice, such as whether or not to eat between meals. My daughter, Kim, made this choice when she was three. She wanted a cookie. I said no. She insisted. She nagged. So I put the SEA strategy to a test.
I gave her information on why I disapproved of her eating cookies between meals. When her tummy was filled with a sugary cookie, it wouldn't be hungry for the healthy food that we'd be having for supper. The alternatives I gave her were simple: Have one cookie now & nothing for supper, or strawberries as dessert after supper. The consequences of eating a cookie before supper were not life threatening. Yes, she might not be hungry for supper, & it could even lead to a habit (which she'd have to overcome later) of snitching junk food between meals, but none of the consequences were great enough for me to feel that she wasn't capable of making the decision. So after I was sure she understood the consequences, I allowed her to decide.
No more nagging. She decided it would be better to wait until supper.
I can't promise that your child will make a similar decision. At the time, I was unsure about Kim. I had no way of knowing what she would do. And I'm smart enough to know that just because it works once doesn't mean it will continue to work. But a child needs to be given the opportunity to learn how to struggle with decision making. Indispensable to learning is the need to make poor decisions & suffer the consequences!
The way you raise a responsible child is to get out of the driver's seat, so to speak, & let her take over the wheel sometimes. If you continue to stay in charge by constantly nagging, reminding, & making decisions for your child, she'll let you take over her responsibility, hoping someday you'll forget to remind her, & then if something doesn't get done it's your fault for not reminding her.
Put the responsibility on her shoulders by using one of the above strategies. Then clearly spell out the consequences of what will happen if she fails to carry out her responsibility. As children get older, they can even help to determine what would be appropriate consequences. And if she fails, let her suffer the consequences. It may sound cruel--but it can be a powerful lesson!
Let your child know that there are many ways that people help themselves to remember what they need to do. One is to make a list. Another is to group tasks around a certain part of the day, such as "things to do before breakfast." Certain tasks can become habitual once you get in a good routine. If nothing else works, encourage your child to simply ask someone, "Is there anything else I need to do now?" If your child can't remember, there's a good chance someone else can.
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The kind of person your child is going to be, he is already becoming.
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Are You a Child Abuser?
Are you a child abuser? Before you impulsively say, "Why, of course not" please read on. This is for EVERY parent because every parent is a potential child abuser.
I hate to admit it, but even with all my degrees in child development I have occasionally been abusive. I'll never forget one afternoon when I let my emotions get completely out of control. I had a thousand things to do, & nothing seemed to go right. The house was in shambles, & my three preschoolers were running around like a pack of hyenas. The louder they shrieked & hollered, the tighter my nerves wound.
Finally after one incident too much, the straw that broke the camel's back, I verbally ripped those kids up one side & down the other. Later, I began to think about the terrible way I had treated them. I knew better. I realised I had to apologise to my children. I called the girls to me, sat them on my lap & said how sorry I was for the way I had acted & the terrible things I had said.
Most of us think of child abuse as the harsh, irrational & violent treatment that leaves children physically injured & scarred for life.
This type of child abuse is a hideous crime. And most parents couldn't imagine ever treating a child in such a way. But there are milder types of child abuse that, chances are, we're all guilty of. The startling fact is that if your own child is over two years of age, child abuse has probably occurred in your own home, with you as the abuser & your child as the victim.
Child abuse is more than treatment that results in a physically battered child. It is any treatment that destroys the child's sense of personhood, his feelings of self-worth. It is the physical or verbal mistreatment of the child. Abusive behaviour doesn't have to leave visible scars. It can leave internal scars--the kind that over time leave their mark on the child's thinking & personality. These are the scars that destroy self-worth.
Here are some specific guidelines for making sure your behaviour will not become abusive:
1. Never discipline in anger. When emotions reach a boiling point, the discipline of your child should wait. Take a walk around the block, attack the dirty garage, yank out the weeds, play tennis, call your spouse, or pray hard before interacting with your child. When you have brought your emotions under control, it will be much easier to think of creative ways to solve the problem.
2. When hasty, uncontrolled words escape your lips or when you impulsively grab or slap your child, apologise immediately. Children are resilient & seldom hold grudges if they know their mom or dad is truly sorry & making an effort to be a better parent.
3. Treat your child not as she deserves to be treated, but as you would like to be treated if you were in her shoes or as you think Christ would treat her.
4. Put your emphasis on preventing behaviour problems rather than merely reacting to behaviour problems. Take time to solve problems when they are still small & fairly easy to solve, rather than waiting until you & your child are dangerously out of control. Remember the Love Cup principle.
5. Let God's Word guide your actions.
6. Take courage. Even if your behaviour in the past has at times been abusive, you can change.
If anger & losing control are frequent issues for you, then you need to ask why. Look at your life. Is there too much pressure on you? Can you rearrange things (commitments, responsibilities) in your life to take off some of the pressure? Are you temporarily in a very demanding situation that will end soon? Can you keep in mind that the situation is temporary & then try to take things easier & relax more?
Also take a look at your children. Some children are more difficult to raise than others. The more difficult the child, the more encouragement & support you may need from others to help you maintain a positive attitude. Otherwise, frustration & anger may become overwhelming. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. You need time off from your children so you can come back refreshed. You need more time off the more difficult the child.
Tempering Your Temper
Parents lose their tempers & scream at their kids because it works. Children are quick to figure out that even though Mom or Dad may ask a dozen times, they rarely do anything to make sure the kids will obey until they get so angry that they end up screaming. The result is that kids wait until they hear the screaming before they obey. They know their parents mean business then, & they'd jolly well better do what is asked immediately or they'll get it! Because kids tend to obey after they've been screamed at, their obedience serves as a reinforcement to their parents' temper tantrums. So Mom & Dad end up pounding the table, stamping their feet, & screaming more often.
It's a vicious cycle. But it can be broken, & it must, because the obedience you gain through losing your temper is not as valuable as what you lose. Every time you lose your temper & your children see your uncontrolled behaviour, you lose their respect.
There's another reason why throwing a temper tantrum, & particularly screaming, is not a good way to get obedience. It's demeaning to the child.
How would you feel if someone who was your authority (a teacher or an employer) got angry & screamed at you? You'd probably feel like shrivelling up & blowing away. Add an audience, & you'd feel verbally tarred & feathered. Now, you might quickly do what that authority wanted you to do, but you'd despise that person for embarrassing you.
Children aren't that much different from grown-ups in this respect. They don't like being belittled or demeaned, especially in front of an audience.
It would be best if you could catch yourself before you got so upset that you felt like screaming. Here are some ideas:
If your child isn't paying attention the first or second time you speak, try lowering your voice instead of raising it. Go over to your child, look him in the eyes & whisper your message. I know teachers who have had wonderful control over their students mainly by lowering their voice to a whisper if there was too much noise in the classroom. The students responded by being more quiet so they could hear.
Or you might want to go one step further & try the silent method. Just go & stand next to your child & don't say anything until he or she turns & looks at you. When you have her full attention, make your request. Sometimes just placing your hand softly against the child's back & waiting will get her attention.
Once you have your child's attention, make your request clearly & firmly. Then make sure you follow up so you are certain she is doing what you want. When you do this, you'll find a significant increase in your child's compliance without any harmful side effects. And, you'll feel a whole lot better by having tempered your temper!
Making Your Feelings Clear
Let's say you've had a busy day. Even though you are dead tired, you cook a superb dinner for your children. They devour the food without so much as a thank-you, & the minute the last bite of strawberry pie disappears--they do, too. You are disappointed that no one even mentioned the good dinner. You start to clear the table, & the stack of dirty dishes looks overwhelming.
You begin to feel sorry for yourself. "Why can't the kids help?" You don't say anything to them because you know they are studying, but the more you think about it, the more disturbed you grow. "What's wrong with those kids, anyway?" You begin to think of all the other nights when you have had to clean up alone. "It's not fair!" you say as you grab the dishcloth & aggressively begin wiping off the table. Just then, your 14-year-old innocently asks, "Mom, how do you spell encyclopedia?" You've had it. In one breath you release all that pent-up anger as you yell, "Don't ask me how to spell encyclopedia. If you can't help me with the dishes--I'm not going to help you!"
Why did you explode? Because you didn't do anything when the first feeling of disappointment hit. Instead, you tried to ignore the feeling. But it didn't go away. It began to grow, becoming more & more ugly, until you were forced to act out your negative feelings with a full-blown temper tantrum.
How can this be prevented? With a confrontative "I feel" statement said as soon as you recognise the first negative feeling. Your "I feel" statement may sound something like this: "Kids, I feel disappointed when I've gone to so much work & no one thanks me, because I like to be appreciated!" Or, "I feel angry when I have to do the dishes all by myself, because I have a book that I need to begin to read tonight."
There are three components to an effective "I feel" statement:
1. "I feel" followed by the emotion.
2. "When" followed by the situation.
3. And then "because" followed by the reason for your feeling.
Practice saying "I feel" statements. It's a much better way to defuse your anger than throwing temper tantrums!
Iceberg Psychology 101
A very common mistake parents make when disciplining their children is to attack the behaviour they don't like rather than taking a few minutes to determine the underlying emotion that caused the problem. To keep you from falling into this trap you must train yourself to think of an iceberg every time your child does something you don't like.
Let me just review iceberg behaviour so you'll know what I'm talking about. As I understand the nature of icebergs, there is always much more iceberg under the surface of the water than there is above. Yet, when you look at an iceberg you're not immediately aware of the bottom part. If you attempt to change the iceberg by chipping away at the top part, the iceberg adjusts itself in the water & chances are something else will emerge.
This is very similar to children's behaviour. Anytime we see something we don't like, whether it's destructive behaviour, sassy or mean words, teasing or hostile actions, it's like the top of the iceberg. Our tendency as parents is to get rid of the behaviour that we find offensive. We spank, we yell, or we threaten to try & change that behaviour. And sometimes, we are successful. The behaviour disappears. But if we haven't defused the underlying emotion that caused the behaviour, then the chances are that some other behaviour is likely to surface. And the second behaviour may even be worse than the one we tried to get rid of in the first place.
One day 10-year-old Bruce came yelling, "I hate my teacher. She's stupid." His face was etched with anger; he threw his books to the floor & once more shouted, "I hate her!"
Mom was shocked by this tirade. She stormed into the room, "Bruce," she said, "I'm ashamed of you. That is no way to talk about your teacher."
"I don't care," retorted Bruce. "She is stupid & I hate her."
"Enough! I'll not have you talking like that. You shouldn't hate anyone, & I should wash your mouth out with soap for calling someone stupid--especially a teacher. Now pick up those books you've thrown all over the floor."
By this time Bruce was livid with rage. He stormed out of the room & slammed the door.
Let's reply the scene with a few minor changes & see what we can learn. 10-year-old Bruce came home yelling, "I hate my teacher. She's stupid."
Mom did not approve of Bruce's behaviour. She had always taught her child to respect adults & never to call anyone stupid. But she recognised that there was something beneath the surface that was causing this. She began to search for the underlying problem. Watch what happened:
"Wow," said Mom. "You are angry."
"I'll say I am," retorted Bruce. "My teacher made a fool of me in front of all the class."
"It makes you angry to be embarrassed in front of your friends, doesn't it?"
"Yes, it does." Bruce's face begins to relax as he started to pick up the books from that he had thrown on the floor. "I can't understand why she picked on me. It wasn't my fault. And I tried to tell her, but she just wouldn't listen." At this point Bruce's anger began to melt. His mother came over & put an arm around him & tears began to slide down his cheeks. They sat down on the couch & Bruce unloaded the whole story.
When all had been told, explanations listened to, & emotions defused, Mom asked, "Bruce, how do you think you are going to solve your problem with your teacher?" And for the next ten minutes Mom & Bruce worked on the problem together. At the very end, Mom added, "And by the way, Bruce, it never really helps when you get angry. And calling people `stupid' doesn't solve problems."
"Yeah, I know. I'll try to remember. And thanks for listening."
When it comes to searching for the emotion underneath the misbehaviour, the key is to listen, because the only way the troublesome emotion is going to be defused is by talking about it.
As you listen, you'll notice something very interesting happening. That strong emotion that caused the misbehaviour will begin to dissipate. Then, once that emotion has been defused, your child is ready to move on to solving his problem. So the next time your child exhibits unacceptable behaviour, remember the iceberg effect. It may be that the behaviour you are seeing is only the tip of the iceberg.
Diverting Difficulties Before They Start
Parents could divert so many disasters if we could just anticipate difficulties. A kid can only take so much pressure before he explodes. If you can see things aren't going well, forewarn your child. "It looks like you are just about ready to haul off & hit someone. That's probably not such a good idea!" Your intervention at this critical time can help him gain control of himself.
Many of the things children do that parents feel must be corrected would never happen if we were more observant & helped them re-channel their energies before misbehaviour occurred. Here are some effective techniques to use when you anticipate difficulties.
1. Touch control. Many discipline problems occur because the parent is not observant enough to notice that tensions are rising or conflicts are starting. Before things explode, sometimes a gentle pat, an embrace, or simply placing a hand on your child's shoulder will serve as a reminder that you are near & will help her when she needs help.
2. "Hypodermic" affection. A friendly injection of affection may give your child a quick boost over a difficult situation. This can be done verbally by saying, "I love you," or it can be done nonverbally with a smile, a wink, or a spontaneous hug.
3. Diversion. When your child becomes frustrated & can't seem to handle the situation even with adult help, diversion to another activity may help. This is especially important when children are too young to reason with.
4. Point out reality. Parents are often surprised at how early it is possible to reason with a child. Even tiny 2-year-olds can understand simple reasoning when they want to. Many children become frustrated because they want to do something, but there isn't enough time or space, or the right tools are not available. They become angry & aggressive because they do not understand these limitations. Parents should take the extra time required to explain the reality of the situation & point out what can be done within these limitations. For example, "I don't have the right stuff to make ice cream, but I do have a package of pudding we can make."
5. Use incentives & rewards. Promises & rewards should not be used to bribe a child (such as, "If you are good today, I'll give you a surprise"). However, it may at times be appropriate to use promises & rewards as an incentive for desirable behaviour. For example, "If you pick up the puzzle, we may have time for a story before lunch."
Stay in tune with your child. Diverting disasters is so much better than having to figure out what kind of creative discipline will teach your child the lesson that misbehaviour doesn't pay!
Cushioning Children with Love
The old wives' tale that a spoiled child was loved too much is just that--an old wives' tale. Too much love doesn't spoil a child--too little discipline (teaching) does! It's impossible to give a child too much of the right kind of love. Children thrive on love that is caring, respecting, accepting, forgiving, & trusting. In fact, the more of this type of love you can give, the better. Love acts like a cushion. The thinner it is, the more parental errors will bump & bruise a child emotionally. But if love is thick, parents can make occasional mistakes & children will bounce right back. They are so convinced of their parents' love that nothing can jar them.
But this fact poses a problem in today's busy society. The bottom line is, children don't feel loved unless they receive adequate positive attention. But it's impossible to show attention without spending time doing things together. Therefore, many kids today don't feel loved because their parents are too busy. Thus parents today don't have the luxury of making very many mistakes with their children.
Why don't you start today building that love cushion, so that when you make a mistake--as we all do--it won't destroy your child. Instead, he or she will be able to bounce back on that cushion of love & say without a doubt, "But, I know my folks still love me."
Balancing Love & Authority
Effective discipline depends on a parent's ability to balance love & authority. It is great to have fun with your children, to laugh over silly things & to play crazy games, but children can sometimes carry these activities to extremes. At that moment, you may have to say firmly, "That is enough!" At other times, you must follow a strict admonition with a hug to show that all is forgotten.
One evening Jan told our school-age daughters twice to settle down & go to sleep. But they continued talking, joking, & laughing. Finally, he sighed & nudged me, "Okay, Kay. It's your turn."
I marched into their room in military style & commanded, "That is enough. Be quiet this minute & go to sleep!" Instantly the room was still. As I turned to march out again, I stopped & asked in a different tone, "Did you girls say your prayers?"
"No," they replied.
"Then you had better say them right now!" I said firmly.
Obediently, each girl knelt down & Kari earnestly prayed, "Dear Jesus, please help my mommy not to be so strict."
The irony of the situation was too much, & all 3 of us burst out laughing! After prayers, we hugged & kissed & parted friends.
A good disciplinarian constantly walks between firmness & tenderness--between love & authority. Sometimes you may tip in one direction, but you correct the error with a little tip in the opposite direction. You are not afraid to be the authority when needed, but you are equally unafraid to show love & affection.
Kids need a balance of authority & love. If they primarily get authority from one parent, then it's good for the other to balance things out. But it would be better if both authority & love could be displayed in each of the parents.
It's as if parents are on a seesaw. If they both stay close to the middle--being strong & loving--then they tend to have a close, supportive relationship. But if one gets too far out on the edge & becomes overbearing or permissive, it forces the other parent to move in the opposite direction to keep the seesaw balanced.
Letting Children Imitate
"Monkey see, monkey do," is an expression parents often use when referring to their children's imitative behaviour. All children tend to copy the actions & words of others--especially their parents. Even tiny infants have the uncanny ability to imitate. Just stick out your tongue at a newborn. Keep repeating this action & chances are the baby will stick out her tongue, too. Isn't that amazing?
Children are like sponges. They pick up whatever they see around them. That's why parents are always on stage when it comes to their children. You never know when your child is going to observe you doing something & copy it.
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Children have never been good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.--James Baldwin
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It's easy to get discouraged when you see your children picking up the very things you dislike most about yourself. But take courage--they also pick up the good examples. After lamenting the bad habits my kids had picked up from me, I was encouraged one day when I found my girls picking up a good habit. They were six & eight years of age, & just learning to keep their room clean.
"Girls, make your beds & pick up your clothing before we leave," I shouted above the hustle & bustle of an early morning departure. I had 30 minutes of things to do in about half that time, so I was too rushed to supervise the cleanup operation I had requested.
Five minutes before departure time, I gave the last instruction, "Get into the car. We're leaving." They promptly obeyed as I grabbed my coat & purse from the bedroom & started down the hall. As I passed the girl's room I glanced in to make sure everything was organised for the day.
"Oh no," I sighed. Their room was a mess. Nothing had been done. Impulsively, I started to yell, but I stopped myself. After all, it was partly my fault for not supervising them more closely--& they were already in the car. Rather than get everyone upset, why not handle the situation with a little creativity?
I put down my purse & coat, picked up their clothing, & then quickly made their beds. The room looked presentable. Then I took a large piece of paper & wrote, "Dear Kim & Kari, I made your beds because I love you. Love, Mommy." I pinned the note to the top bunk bedspread where it was sure to be seen & then got into the car without saying anything to the girls about what I had done.
When we returned home Kim & Kari went to their room. I listened for this discovery. They seemed not to notice that their room was in order, but they immediately spied the note.
"What does it say?" asked Kari. Kim went over to the note, unpinned it, & read it to Kari.
"Hey, she did clean up!" exclaimed Kari as she glanced back at the beds.
"Yeah," said Kim, "Mommy sure must love us."
I waited for them to come running out & thank me--but like the nine lepers, they never did. "Well," I thought, "that surely didn't have the effect I hoped it would," & forgot about the situation.
About 3 weeks later I was again checking the girls' room. This time everything was in order. Then I noticed a note pinned onto Kari's bedspread. I bent down & read it. "Dear Kari, I made your bed because I love you. Love, Kim."
This time it was my turn to be surprised. It works! Children follow good examples as well as bad. So take heart, parents. Continue being the kind of example you know Christ would want you to be. And don't be surprised when it rubs off on your children.
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A careful mother I must be,
A little daughter follows me.
I do not dare to go astray,
For fear she'll go the self same way.
She's only just a bit past three,
But I see in her a smaller me.
Like me she says she's going to be,
This precious babe who follows me.
She likes to help me cook & sew,
She follows me where'er I go.
Not once can I escape her eyes,
Whate'er I do she always tries.
She acts like I'm almost divine,
Believes in every word of mine.
The base in me she must not see,
This trusting child who follows me.
Lord, make me conscious as I go,
Through summer sun & winter snow,
That she'll be what she's trained to be.
A future mother follows me.
--Martha E. Lambert
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Media Madness
Parents aren't the only people that children imitate. The folk of your living room TV sets are also ready models for your kids.
I was once asked to observe the eating behaviour of a 3-year-old child in preschool. His teacher described his behaviour as quite bizarre--messy might have been a better word for it.
I arrived just as the teacher was serving cookies for desert. The child grabbed two cookies & immediately began stuffing these in his mouth with both hands. Cookie pieces flew in all directions. I took one look & immediately realised that this child looked just like the Cookie Monster on "Sesame Street." Later I talked with the child, & he admitted that he was the Cookie Monster.
TV has an influence on children. YOU must determine the type of influence you want it to have. If you can't control your own viewing habits, how can you expect your child to exercise control? Check yourself. Are you ever embarrassed when your child comes in & catches you watching certain programmes? Do you ever find yourself lying about your viewing--"Oh, I wasn't paying any attention to what was on"? Your example will probably influence your children's choice more than your words!
The violence, foul language, smoking, drugs, alcohol, unloving gestures, & immoral acts that your kids are exposed to in movies, rock music, & videos are having an effect. It's deadening their sensitivity to wrong. And whether you like it or not, their values are being influenced by viewing & hearing these things. Imitative behaviour is likely to follow.
Our minds are such powerful computers that nothing escapes them. Every sight, every smell, every sound is recaptured & stored into memory. And at the right moment, with the right stimulus, it can be recalled. Research on the function of the brain has proved that. A simple probe touching a section of the brain can bring back the strains of a melody, the aroma of flowers, a scene of abuse, or feelings of euphoria. It's all there. Memory builds on memory. Thought builds on thought. Feeling builds on feeling. All of these influence the kind of person we become. Therefore, each impure thing that is allowed to enter our brains is like a Band-Aid being applied to our sensitive nature. Pretty soon, if too many Band-Aids are applied, it cushions our sensitivity to what is pure.
First, re-evaluate your own standards & behaviour. You can't have one set of values for yourself & another for your children. They are quick to pick up inconsistencies. They'll call you on your hypocrisy & you'll lose credibility.
Second, take a firm stand--& take it early. Children are more likely to accept their parents' values when their parents have set a firm foundation.
Third, explain to your children the memory capacity of the brain. God designed this marvellous "computer," & He's given us good advice about the importance of quality input. "For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he." (Pro.23:7)
Fourth, fill your mind, & your children's, with the positive.
Techniques for Modifying Behaviour
I'm trying to give parents as many specific, practical ideas for training children as I can think of. Behaviour modification is one of those practical methods. It may sound pretty sophisticated, but it isn't. It's really a simple way to reinforce certain behaviours you like, & get rid of the ones you don't, without punishing your child. The basic idea is to praise the positive (because when behaviour is rewarded it will occur more often) & ignore the negative (because you don't want the negative to be rewarded by your attention).
This method of discipline should start at birth because it doesn't require language or the child's understanding. The baby just naturally responds to attention, & when he gets it for a certain behaviour, he tends to repeat that behaviour more often. When I think of the admonition to "train up a child in the way he should go" (Pro.22:6), I immediately think of behaviour modification.
Behaviour modification is also one of the most effective methods you can use for encouraging your child to make long-term behaviour changes. But it's not a method that works instantly.
When your child misbehaves, send her to a designated room or area for a short period of time--not more than five minutes. The amount of time spent in the room is not the significant factor. The time-out area works because the child is denied your attention while she is there, & thus she is not rewarded.
This method of teaching appropriate behaviour should not be considered punishment; it is merely a consequence of misbehaving. Your children will accept it without resentment if you carry it out matter-of-factly, without undue force or anger. You can successfully use the time-out technique with your child if you follow these guidelines:
1. Choose ONE behaviour that you would like to modify.
2. Count the number of times this behaviour occurs during a particular time period--one hour, an afternoon, an entire day. It is best if you do this for three different periods & obtain an average.
3. When your child misbehaves, calmly say, "Time out for (given reason)," & take the child to the room you have selected. Be sure to tell her how long she will have to stay, or allow her to make that decision by saying, "You may come out when you are ready to change your behaviour." A general rule to follow with young children is one minute of time out for each year of age.
4. When your child emerges & acts appropriately, it is most important that you give her some time & attention.
The secret to being successful with behaviour modification is persistence. It's a long, slow method of changing behaviour, but it's effective if you're there every time the misbehaviour occurs & if you do something about it.
When children do well, immediate rewards are the most effective. When you tell your child, "Thank you for putting the blocks away" two seconds after he did it, you will be more successfully in reinforcing that desirable behaviour than if you wait five minutes before saying "thank you." When you are trying to teach your child appropriate behaviour, it is also important not to wait until he has accomplished the whole task before praising him. For example, if you want to teach your child to pick up the blocks after he is finished with them, you should start by praising him after he puts the first block away.
When you apply this method, it is important to work on only one behaviour at a time. If you try to change too many behaviours at once, the child may resent having to spend so much time in the time-out room, & the method becomes a punishment.
When you decide to use this type of discipline on a specific behaviour with an individual child, it is extremely important that you communicate this to all members of the family so the child can be rewarded or ignored consistently.
Doing the Unexpected
Centuries ago French philosopher Jean Rousseau said, "Do the opposite of what is usually done & you will almost always be correct." I call the method of discipline based on this theory "shock therapy." It is doing the unexpected. It is a disciplinary technique that is effective ONLY when used very infrequently.
The fact that these techniques are not the parents' customary way of responding is what makes them so effective. But the problem is, the more often they are used the less effective they become.
Surprise your child. When she expects you to be angry, smile & willingly forgive. When she expects a spanking, take her in your lap & cuddle her instead. When she expects you to send her to her room, ask her if she could use your help in picking up the mess she made. You'll be pleasantly surprised by the effect of such parental behaviour.
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We love our children when they're good,
But when they're bad, in trouble,
For reasons barely understood
We love them almost double.
We love our children when they want
Affection & expect it,
And even more, those times they taunt
Our loving & reject it.
We love them when they make us cry
And when you'd think we daren't,
And no one knows the reason why,
Except another parent.
--Richard Armour
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Jeff & his dad were having a tough time communicating. It didn't happen all at once, but gradually during the teen years Jeff's attitude towards his parents became more belligerent. Now, at 15, he didn't confide in them, argued at the drop of a hat, & generally made life miserable with his constant criticism. His folks had imposed consequences by withholding privileges, but it only seemed to make things worse.
One day Jeff's dad noticed a terrific sale on an expensive racing bike--exactly the type Jeff wanted. He was tempted to buy it. Then he argued with himself. "No, Jeff doesn't deserve a bike after the way he has treated me." But the more he thought about it, the more intrigued he became over the effect the gift of a bike might have on Jeff. It was worth the risk. He purchased the bike & took it home.
"Jeff," he called when he got home, "I need your help to unload the station wagon."
"That's all I hear," replied Jeff sarcastically. "Jeff do this; Jeff do that. You'd think I was a slave or something." Reluctantly Jeff dragged himself out to the station wagon. Dad stood by watching as Jeff started to struggle with the bike box. Suddenly the writing on the box captured Jeff's attention. "Dad, what's in here? It's not a racing bike, is it?"
"Yes," replied Dad. "That's exactly what it is."
"Ahh, well, but Dad, why are you getting a racing bike?"
"I bought it for you, Son. I knew how much you've been wanting one. And I wanted to make you happy."
"But, Dad, I don't deserve it. I've been acting terrible!"
"I know, Son. You don't deserve it. But I love you in spite of your behaviour."
That did it. Jeff's belligerent attitude was broken. He hugged his dad & apologised for the terrible way he had been treating them. The bike was an effective surprise.
Caution: Positive shock therapy works, but only if it's used sparingly. Children for the most part need consistent limits, consequences, & other forms of discipline & training to help them learn acceptable behaviour. But once in a while a big, positive surprise can work wonders!
Playing Problems Away
Getting your children to obey can be a hassle. But it doesn't have to be. If you use a little ingenuity many problems can be "played" away. Children love to play games--even simple ones like "I'll pick up the red blocks & you pick up the blue ones, & let's see who can find the most blocks!" Suddenly the clean-up task becomes a game, frowns turn to smiles & obedience is fun!
Playacting is a great way to motivate children to cooperate--especially young children who enjoy make-believe. For example, when you have to get a brush through a child's tangled hair & you know you can anticipate a battle, play beauty salon. You'll be surprised how much more cooperative a "beauty shop customer" is than a little girl who hates to have Mommy comb her tangled hair.
Have you ever had difficulty getting your child dressed? "Hello, Sir, I'm glad you came to my men's store. How would you like a new shirt & pants? I think we have just the thing for you. Please step into this dressing room & try on our bargain for the day."
When you meet obstinacy head-on, try a role reversal. If your little girl doesn't want to hold your hand when crossing streets, try, "You be the mommy & pretend that I'm your little girl. Grab my hand & take me carefully to the other side of the street."
Maybe your finicky eater would enjoy belonging to the One Bite Club--a special club for anyone willing to sample at least one bite of everything served. Here is how the club got started at the Bennett's house. Ruth's kids were such finicky eaters that the dinner table had become a battleground. Then Grandpa came to visit. He sat halfway through one mealtime, & that was enough. "What this family needs is a One Bite Club," he announced.
"What's a One Bite Club?" the children asked.
"It's a club where all the members eat at least one bite of every food that is served. And then, once a week, the club members have a party & go out & play miniature golf."
"When can we go?" the children shouted.
"Not until you sample each food on the table."
"Yuck," they turned up their noses.
"Now wait," said Grandpa. "It's not that bad. All you have to taste is one spoonful--& it doesn't have to be a big one."
"This much?" asked one, as he held up a half-filled spoon of broccoli.
"Oh no," said Grandpa. "That's way too much."
Now it was the children's turn to be surprised. The child shook off a little, & with his spoon one-fourth filled, he asked again if this was enough to join the club.
But once again Grandpa said, "Too much."
Finally, there was such a tiny amount on the spoon that the child eagerly put it in his mouth & announced, "I couldn't even taste it."
"Then," said Grandpa nonchalantly, "you might want to take a little more." And without force the child helped himself to a second, a bigger spoonful. That night they celebrated.
You might want to make up some One Bite Club membership cards for your family. Research supports the idea of a One Bite Club. Parents who encourage their children to eat at least one bite of new food have children with a wider range of food likes than those parents who either force their children to eat everything or don't care what they eat.
But what if you want your child to finish his plate? Play the game of guessing how many bites are left. Let each member of the family guess a number, & then the child has to eat everything so you'll know who is the winner. The fun of this game is that the child can decide how much food he puts into each bite, controlling the results!
You can use fun to break habits. Do you have a little Linus walking around your house with a pacifier in his mouth & a threadbare, nondescript rag trailing around behind? Most children have a difficult time giving up these comfort devices. When Mom or Dad decides the security crutch has to go, the result is too often a tug-of-war.
Shawnee was 2-&-1/2 years old & still very dependent on her special satiny blanket. She also needed her pacifier to go to sleep. Raylene didn't have a problem with the blanket, but the pacifier was beginning to be a nuisance, & she suspected that it should be no longer necessary.
Dreading the inevitable trauma this transition would cause, she kept putting it off until one day she ran into a friend who also had a little girl about Shawnee's age. And they had a new puppy with them! After appropriate admirations were expressed, little Beth announced, "I traded my bottle for the puppy."
"What's this?" Raylene asked. Her interested sparked.
"Oh," said Beth's mother, "Beth was so attached to her bottle that any attempt to take it away was met with tears & pleading to have it back. Since she had her heart set on getting a puppy, we got the idea she could get the puppy by trading her bottle for it. And you know, it worked! Since she now has something she very much wanted, & since it was her own decision, I didn't come off looking like the big, bad mommy. And she has no reason to beg & plead for her bottle anymore."
"What a marvellous idea," Raylene exclaimed. "I'm going to try it with Shawnee's pacifier."
Shawnee wanted a doll carriage, so Raylene suggested that Shawnee trade her pacifier for one. Shawnee thought about the possibility for a couple of days & finally decided it was worth it. At last the time came for the transaction. After the doll carriage was purchased, a very solemn 2-&-1/2 year old handed the clerk her precious pacifier, & with shining eyes proudly placed her baby doll into the carriage & wheeled it out of the store.
You can also use games to help out at bath time. First, try colouring the bath water, & chances are your child will want to hop in. Just add several drops of food colouring to the water. If it's made to be put into our bodies, it certainly won't hurt the outside. And it won't stain the bathtub or your child's skin. The father who gave me this idea used red food colouring & told the story of Moses in Egypt when the sea turned red like blood. His child was fascinated! (Editor: Or you could turn it blue & go fishing on the Sea of Galilee.)
One dad combined bathtub time with storytelling time. The kids loved hearing all the stories about when he was a boy--& even Bible stories took on a new meaning the way Dad told them.
But in some families it's bedtime, not bath time, that's a big problem. If you've found bedtime is bedlam time, maybe it's time for a game.
If you have young children who don't seem to respond to your request to go to bed, you might get more compliance if you offer them an animal ride to bed. During the preschool years our kids were carried to bed on monkeys, giraffes, ostriches & even sharks. They loved it.
One of the main goals of creative discipline is that of encouraging self-discipline, & I've found that games have been extremely effective. For example, when Kevin was younger, he rarely left for school with a clean face until we stopped giving commands & started playing a game: "Whoever walks outside the house with a dirty face gets to empty the wastebaskets." (Of course, this is a game of imposed consequences. But we acted as though we were playing a game rather than disciplining.) Soon I was having a hard time finding anyone to empty the trash--but faces were clean. Nine thousand, three hundred & forty-two reminders did not get through to Kevin, but one simple game made the difference.
If you're trying to teach your children to be thorough when doing a task, you might want to try variations of the next two games.
Why not hide pennies (Or slips of paper good for one raisin each, or something of the sort) under various items where the child needs to dust? If you don't expect the item to be picked up & dusted under, then leave the penny partially visible. Tell the child how many you've hidden & see if he can find them all.
One mom paid her child a quarter for sweeping the leaves off the patio, but asked for a penny back for every leaf that was left when he was finished. She didn't get anything back!
Why do games like these motivate self-discipline? Games take the work out of doing what you have to do. Children set on being stubbornly resistant suddenly become captivated by the challenge of the game. Before they know it, they are having a good time obeying.
I once read that if parents would play with their children, their children would love & respect them more--more than if they were always serious & acted their age. This is true because kids love playful people. Children establish close ties with people whom they sense enjoy being with them. And if they have this relationship with their folks & other authority figures, they won't resent an occasional correction when it needs to be made.
Negotiating Contracts
I vowed to honour & obey when I said "I do" & married Jan, but I would still be resentful if I felt Jan were pushing me by demanding, "Pick up the laundry, mail this package, & invite these people over for Saturday night." I'd much rather hear him say, "Honey, I'm very busy today, but I think I can be home for dinner on time if you can pick up the laundry, mail this package, & invite the guests for Saturday night. Would that be possible?" I'd much rather be asked than told.
Children feel the same way. If you involve them in decisions that concern them, they will be much more willing to comply with your requests. That's why moms & dads need to become masters in the art of negotiation.
In order for negotiation to be effective, a child must be (1) verbal enough to discuss possible solutions; (2) smart enough to understand what she is contracting for; & (3) mature enough to keep the bargain that she has made. How does negotiation work? Follow these steps:
STEP 1: Define the problem with your child. For example, John has not been brushing his teeth regularly, & he rebels at every reminder. So you approach him about his behaviour. "John, I have to pay the dentist's bills & when you don't brush your teeth, the bills can increase. What can we do together to make sure that this important job gets done?"
STEP 2: Brainstorm together about possible solutions to the problem. Working together you might come up with the following list: Put a reminder note on the table; do not serve snacks anymore until John begins to brush regularly; buy a new toothbrush; get better tasting toothpaste; have a special code as a reminder; give John a nickel every time he brushes & have him return a nickel if he forgets.
STEP 3: Decide together which possibility is most acceptable. John thinks that he would remember if he had a new toothbrush. If he forgets, John promises that he won't get angry if he is reminded with the code words, "Billy Goat." When he hears the code, he will brush his teeth immediately. A consequence clause should be included at this point. If he resists after being reminded, he must forgo snack the next time it's served.
STEP 4: Decide when the contract will be put into effect.
STEP 5: Indicate in some manner that you both agree on the contract. Write it down, sign it, shake hands, or seal it with a kiss.
STEP 6: Evaluate the effectiveness of the contract periodically. If the contract is not working, go back to the bargaining table & draw up a new contract.
Negotiating a contract involves a child in the decision-making process. It is excellent training for a child's inner control system--a necessity for self-discipline.
Negotiation can also be used for determining appropriate consequences. Decide ahead of time, through negotiation, what should be the consequence for a certain misbehaviour. For example, no supper until the dog has been fed, no TV until the homework has been done, or if you don't help with the meal preparation, you must do the dishes. If the child agrees on these consequences, then when he goofs up, all you have to say is, "What did we decide should be the consequence for this?" This child can't (or shouldn't) argue with the fairness of this type of punishment once he has agreed to it.
Caution: You must be sure your child agrees to the contract because he feels that the consequence is fair--not just because she fears your anger & rejection.
Parenting Prodigal Children
One of the means that rebellious children use to manipulate their parents is blame. They blame their folks for the mistakes the kids have made. And they keep their folks bending over backward, making excuses for their kids' behaviour. If your kids blame you for the mistakes they make, it's time you stop playing their game.
Bernice was overcome with guilt. Her teenage son was having a hard time, & it was all his mother's fault. At least that's what he kept saying. When she tried to help him out, she would get, "Mom, just butt out--you're always messing things up for me." And when she left him alone to solve his own problems, she would get hit with, "You don't even care about me--if you did you'd get me out of this mess!" No matter what she did, she was always wrong--& she began to feel guilty about not being able to do anything right in her son's eyes.
You've heard of child abuse? Well, I believe this constant blaming of parents for kid's mistakes is parent abuse. Parents have to stand up for their own rights.
That's what Bernice did. She said, "Enough. You may not treat me like this. You make your own choices & are responsible for your own behaviour--regardless of the way you were treated in childhood or what I do today. You determine your own destiny. Sure, I made some mistakes in rearing you, but I did my best. I just didn't have all the answers & in my frustration & ignorance I mistreated you occasionally.
"But I ask you to forgive me for my mistakes. I can't go back & do it over. Saying, `I'm sorry,' is the best I can do. And, by doing this, I hit the ball back into your court. You can now choose whether to forgive me or keep blaming me & allow your resentment to cloud your life.
"No longer will I play your blaming game & feel guilty when you accuse me of causing your problems. In fact, I want you to know that if you continue to play this game I will walk away, hang up, or ignore what you are throwing my way. I love you dearly & want what is best for you. I don't want your life eaten away by bitterness & resentment. But, there's nothing I can do to prevent that if you choose to keep dwelling upon your bad memories of childhood & your perceived injustices of the present."
The result of this speech was a very surprised boy. He took the medicine in silence. Then after his mom was finished, he looked her straight in the eye & commented, "That was some speech!" But you could tell the way he said it that even though he may not have liked it, his respect for his mom went up a notch or two.
If you at times feel your children are abusively blaming you for their mistakes, why don't you remember Bernice's speech, stand up tall, take a deep breath, & let your kids have it. Stop playing the blame game. That's the only way you'll win. And it's the only fair way to set them free to become responsible persons.
You Can't Win Them All--But God Can
You may try all the disciplinary techniques in this book & still your child might have problems or exhibit some objectionable character traits. Don't be discouraged. Give God a chance to work in your child's life.
When Sara was about six years of age, she developed an irrational fear that the house would burn down. Often at night she would complain to her mother, "I can't go to sleep. I'm afraid of a fire." Her voice would quiver, she'd cry & cling desperately to her mother, "Don't leave me. I'm afraid." Her mother tried everything she could think of, talking about the fear, reasoning with her, & explaining how the smoke alarm would warn them, but nothing seemed to help.
Finally late one night as her mom was kneeling down beside Sara's bed talking to her about this fear, her mom said, "Sara, we haven't been able to solve this problem, so let's ask Jesus to take away your fear." Mom put her hands on Sara & began to pray. She asked Jesus to make the spirit of fear leave Sara, to give her peace & to help her trust in Jesus. Sara went to sleep peacefully that night & never again experienced that intense fear.
God does answer prayer. The answer may not come as quickly as we feel it should. God's timetable is not the same as ours. And God's answer may not be what we expected. But when we trust Him we can rest in the assurance that His way is best.
Our children are a gift to us from God. He retains ownership & ultimate responsibility for them throughout their lives. We, then, are responsible to God for the way we treat His children. We shouldn't abuse them in any way or treat them as we feel like treating them. Instead, we should treat them as God Himself would treat them. And the only way we'll know how God would treat His children who are growing up in our homes is to keep the channels of communication open between us & their Owner.
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There are little eyes upon you,
And they're watching night & day;
There are little ears that quickly
Take in everything you say;
There are little hands all eager
To do everything you do,
And a little boy who's dreaming
Of the day he'll be like you.
You're the little fellow's idol,
You're the wisest of the wise;
In his little mind about you
No suspicions ever rise;
He believes in you devoutly,
Holds all that you say & do,
He will say & do it your way
When he's grown up just like you.
There's a wide-eyed little fellow
Who believes you're always right,
And his ears are always open,
And he watches day & night.
You are setting an example
Every day in all you do
For the little boy who's waiting
To grow up to be like you.
--Leslie Hale
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