RAISING POSITIVE KIDS IN A NEGATIVE WORLD--By Zig Ziglar
For those of you who know me already, you are aware that I am an optimist. My choice to be positive & optimistic was not made blindly or irrationally. It's my belief that the creative center of all nature & all life is positive, optimistic & hopeful. That's why I'm truly an optimist when it comes to our kids, because they are our only hope for the future, just as we, their parents, are their only hope for the immediate future. Unfortunately, too many parents haven't learned that an optimistic outlook on life is the result of a choice we all must make. We choose our basic attitudes about life & in the process help choose our children's attitudes. I'm convinced that the only way to raise positive kids is to start by being a positive parent. For that reason, I will devote a lot of the following to showing you, the parent, how to become a "winner" in life.
RAISING POSITIVE KIDS IS SIMPLE--BUT NOT EASY
Throughout this book I state two principles a number of times. I do this because they are so important that if we can follow them, they will simplify our entire educational & parenting process.
The first principle is: You are what you are & where you are because of what has gone into your mind, & you can change what you are & where you are by changing what goes into your mind. In the same manner as a computer, if you change your input, you also change your output. In other words, your thinking affects your performance.
The second principle is, life is not easy--as a matter of fact, it can be very tough. This is true whether you're a housewife or a corporate officer. It's true no matter what you do in life. To be winners, parents & children must survive in a tough world, & that requires learning to be self-disciplined.
Parents, I have found out that if you are tough on yourself, life will be much easier on you. That's why it's so important for parents to train children to be self-controlled at an early age. Not to be disciplined is tantamount to disaster, because when a child gets out in the World, he will quickly discover that any discipline he has not been given by loving parents will be meted out to him by an unloving World. Developing self-discipline often requires painful learning experiences, but the result is well worth the effort.
WE'VE GOT PROBLEMS
So what does a negative World look like? I feel I wouldn't be doing my duty if I tried to gloss over the World's problems & make them appear to be simple. They're not. I believe the first, most logical & sensible step to solving a problem is to carefully identify the problem & then positively work to solve it.
The first problem is negativeness itself. For example, a parent sends a child off to school with the instruction, "Don't get run over!" An overweight person sits down to eat & says, "Everything I eat turns to fat!" If anyone has a wreck, within a matter of minutes a "wrecker" will be called. But the "wreck" has already happened. What is needed is a "tow truck".
Traditionally, when the average person is up late & has to arise early the next morning, the last thing he says to himself is, "Boy, I'll bet I'm going to be tired tomorrow!" Too many times we look at a difficult task & say, "I can't do that!" Or if a lot is involved, we say, "I'll never finish this." How negative can we get?
Times have changed over the past 40 years. To accentuate the difficulties of raising a positive child in the 1980's versus the 1940's, let's look at some more negative & frightening information.
According to Dr. Watson, President of Dallas Baptist College, in 1940 the top offenses in public schools were as follows: Running in hallways, chewing gum, wearing improper clothing (which included leaving a shirttail out), making noise & not putting paper in wastebaskets.
In 1980 the top offenses in public schools were as follows (not in order of occurrence): Robbery, assault, personal theft, burglary, drug abuse, arson, bombings, alcohol abuse, carrying weapons, absenteeism, vandalism, murder & extortion. Since 12 of these are felonies, not a great deal of comment is necessary, except to say that times & conditions have changed. With your child possibly facing these problems at school & in the rest of society, it's obvious that your job at home with your child is increasing in difficulty & importance.
Here is an interesting phenomenon of American life. If I were to stand in front of an audience of virtually any kind, whether it was a sales organisation, educators, a patriotic group or athletes & advocate drunken orgies, getting high on cocaine, pot or any of the other mind-bending drugs, they would look at me in stunned astonishment. If I gave them a sales talk on incest, adultery, homosexuality, bestiality or even suicide, while sprinkling four-letter words throughout the presentation, there isn't one group in a thousand that would sit still & listen. The parents in the audience who knew I was going to be making the same speech to their sons & daughters at the local school the next day would move Heaven & Earth to get my speaking engagement cancelled.
Yet these same parents, knowingly or unknowingly, provide their children with money to buy records or cassettes that openly advocate the things I have just mentioned. Music is another major problem for today's families.
More significant is the fact that since these song words are sung into the minds of your children with a beat, dozens, even hundreds of times, the impact is far greater than the same words would be if I used them in a speech & they were heard one time. As a matter of fact, Parents, the odds are great that your children can sing the lyrics to many of these tunes.
At this point I just can't resist slipping in something positive. To combat this negative, immoral input, parents should make available good music--& from early childhood days--not merely as a last-gasp option for their children after their music preferences have been established. Great music can lift a person to heights of accomplishment & inspire him. Research indicates that beautiful melodies played as background music enhance creativity & provide relaxation & considerable listening pleasure.
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All music...should have no other end & aim than the glory of God & the recreation of the soul. Where this is not kept in mind, there is not true music, but only an infernal clamour & ranting.--Johann Sebastian Bach
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TV--the destroyer of values. To be realistic, we have to admit that TV is here to stay. The question is, is it good or evil? The evidence indicating TV's negative impact is strong. A March 7, 1985, AP release pointed out that for the first time the American Psychological Association has taken a position on potential dangers in TV violence, concluding that there is a link between the mayhem on children's programs & aggressive behaviour in children. They concluded that repeated exposure to TV violence can make children not only accepting of real-life violence, but more violent themselves.
TV projects other messages as well. We've been conditioned to believe that drinking is the preferred way of life now, thanks to TV. For example, every 7-1/2 minutes on television we see drinks being offered; 15 times out of 16 the drink is accepted. Whether it's the bad guy or the good guy being offered the drink, the ratio is still the same. The thought is firmly implanted that if we want to have any fun at all, we need to take a drink. If we've got a tough decision to make, we should take a drink. If we need to steady our nerves for a real challenge, we should take a drink. No wonder teenage alcoholism is a rampant problem in America now.
Turning on the television set can turn off the process that transforms children into whole, perceptive people & changes passive viewers into thinking, caring persons. Values become twisted & confused. One little 9-year-old child in San Francisco was overheard saying, "I'd a lot rather watch TV than play outside, 'cause it's boring outside."
Mary Ellison, in a news service wire, wrote about the addictiveness of television. "I couldn't get away from it," 11-year-old Monica Pencz confessed. "My homework wasn't getting done. I just forgot all about my friends." "Once I got hooked on it, I couldn't get off," David Kahn, 11, said. "I just watched any show." David & Monica were TV junkies. David was watching 10 hours of TV a day & Monica 5 hours.
Patty Rebek, director of the psychology program at De Paul University in Chicago, says children often watch TV as a form of escape from academic, family or social problems. And children who watch TV excessively tend to be withdrawn.
As parents, we can choose to a large degree most of what is input into our children's minds. When we have positive input, we have positive output, & when we have negative input, we have negative output.
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THE STRANGER
A few months before I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Tennessee town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer, & soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted, & was around to welcome me into the World a few months later.
As I grew up I never questioned his place in our family. In my young mind, each member had a special niche. My brother, Bill, five years my senior, was my example. Fran, my younger sister, gave me an opportunity to play "big brother" & to develop the art of teasing. My parents were complementary instructors--Mom taught me to love the Word of God & Dad taught me to obey it.
But the stranger was our story-teller. He could weave the most fascinating tales. Adventures, mysteries & comedies were daily conversations. He would hold our whole family spellbound for hours each evening.
If I wanted to know about politics, history, or science, he knew it all. He knew about the past, understood the present, & seemingly could predict the future. The pictures he could draw were so lifelike that I would often laugh or cry as I watched.
He was like a friend to the whole family. He took Dad, Bill, & me to our first major league baseball game. He was always encouraging us to see movies & he even made arrangements to introduce us to several movie stars. My brother & I were deeply impressed by John Wayne in particular.
The stranger was an incessant talker. Dad didn't seem to mind, but sometimes Mom would quietly get up while the rest of us were enthralled with one of his stories of faraway places, go to her room, read her Bible, & pray. I wonder now if she ever prayed that the stranger would leave.
You see, my Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions. But somehow this stranger never felt obligated to honour them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our house--not from us, from our friends, or from adults. Our long-term visitor, however, used occasional four-letter words that burned my ears & made Dad squirm. To my knowledge the stranger was never confronted.
My Dad was also a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in his home--not even for cooking. But the stranger felt like we needed exposure & enlightened us to other ways of life. He offered us beer & other alcoholic beverages often.
He made cigarettes look tasty, cigars manly, & pipes distinguished. He talked freely (probably much too freely), about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive & generally embarrassing. I know now that my early concepts of the man-woman relationship were influenced by the stranger.
As I look back, I believe it was the grace of God that the stranger did not influence more. Time after time he opposed the values of my parents. Yet he was seldom rebuked & was never asked to leave.
More than thirty years have passed since the stranger first moved in with the young family on Morningside Drive. He is not nearly so intriguing to my Dad as he was in those early years. But if you were to walk into my parent's den today, you would still see him sitting over in a corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk & watch him draw his pictures.
His name? We've always just called him TV.--Keith Currie
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Are drugs number one? Many people in America today consider drugs to be the number one problem. Certainly their dollar & misery cost is so astronomical that it is mind boggling.
Dr. Forest Tennant of UCLA is a World-renowned expert on drugs, drug abuse, treatment & prevention. He firmly believes that when we solve the smoking problem, we will have solved the major part of the drug problem. His reasoning is simple, & the logic is irrefutable. Over 95% of the people who smoke pot started with tobacco as their first drug. (You need to know how to inhale to smoke pot, & smoking cigarettes teaches you how to do that.) Over 95% of those who are on heroin &/or cocaine smoked pot on the way. He did not say that everybody who smokes cigarettes will end up on heroin or cocaine. He did say that 95% of those on heroin or cocaine started with cigarettes.
Incidentally, Dr. Tennant also believes that by 1990 an 18-year-old who enters the job market as a smoker will find it almost impossible to get a job (he already can't in over 15% of the job market), because it costs $4,611 more to hire a smoker than a non-smoker. If the drug use stops with tobacco & never gets into pot or coke, employment alone is a pretty good reason for not smoking.
Another good reason for not smoking is the fact that every cigarette you smoke means that you have chosen to die 14 minutes earlier than you would have had you not chosen to smoke that cigarette. Today 19% of the people who die in America do so as a direct or indirect result of smoking cigarettes. That's 360,000 people (some authorities say 500,000) every year. (Thought: If 360,000 people died every year because of a flaw in an automobile or contaminated drinking water, wouldn't the Government do something about it?)
According to a Josh McDowell publication, in the next twelve months, 500,000 children will attempt suicide. More than 1,000,000 kids will run away from home; 275,000 teenage girls will give birth to illegitimate babies; 418,000 girls under 19 will have received an abortion to end an unwanted pregnancy; 12,000,000 teenagers will take some form of narcotics & regularly use drugs; 3,300,000 young people will experience a serious drinking problem; 5,000,000 children will become victims of broken homes; 4,000,000 children will be beaten, molested, or otherwise abused by their parents.
Yes, we really do live in a negative World, & the obstacles we need to overcome will, on occasion, seem insurmountable. Let's look at what one man says about obstacles.
A positive approach to our negative environment. Gerhard Gschwandtner, editor of Personal Selling Power, points out that a wise philosopher once commented that an eagle's only obstacle to overcome for flying with greater speed & ease is the air; yet if the air were withdrawn & the proud bird were to fly in a vacuum, it would fall instantly to the ground, unable to fly at all. The very element that offers the resistance to flying is at the same time the condition of flight. The main obstacle that a power boat has to overcome is the water against the propeller; yet if it were not for this same resistance, the boat would not move at all. The same law that obstacles are conditions of success hold true in human life. A life freed from all obstacles & difficulties would reduce all possibilities & powers to zero. Obstacles wake us up & lead us to our abilities. Exertion gives us new power, so out of our difficulties new strength is born. Out of an obstacle comes strength; out of disappointment comes growth; out of deprivation comes desire.
To raise positive kids we must understand that there are some things we cannot do for our children. Even though we attempt to shelter them from harm, we can't remove them from the World's negative influences. We can't isolate them totally from evil. We can't hurt for them when they have sprained an ankle, broken a finger, cut a thumb, experienced an illness, or any one of a thousand things that happen to our kids.
When our children do encounter difficulties & hurts, what we need to do is let them know that we understand, that we're there, that we love & support them.
QUALITIES OF THE TRULY SUCCESSFUL
Foundation for success. It is a common belief that we start our careers when we graduate from school & acquire a job. This simply is not so. Our careers are started almost from the moment of conception & are well on the way before the first day of formal schooling. Many factors while we are still in the womb play a definite role in our future lives. It has been documented that we are receptive to outside influences as early as four months before birth. And from birth, our input & environment play a tremendously important part in our futures.
Do as I do. A solid foundation for children involves a solid moral base. Parents who teach their children honesty but fail to practice it themselves create real problems.
For example, suppose parents repeatedly tell their children to be truthful, but when the telephone rings, they call out to the child who's answering it, "Tell them I'm not home." The message to the child is clear. If children are taught to lie for parents, they are taught to lie to parents.
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I have seed to raise and I plough the field
And I plant my crops with care,
And I thank the Lord for the rain He sends
As I watch them growing there.
But I don't sit down with a book by day,
And let my crops run wild,
For crops won't grow by themselves, I know;
Is it different with a child?
--Edgar A. Guest
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There's a market for moral values. Franklin D. Roosevelt said, "To train a man in mind & not in morals is to train a menace to society." Steven Muller, president of John Hopkins University, summarised this interplay of values, "The failure to rally around a set of values means that universities are turning out potentially highly-skilled barbarians." Being effective parents hinges on trust, too. If kids know that their mom & dad believe what they're teaching, & if kids know that what their parents teach is consistent with the life they live, then kids will trust their parents & will respond positively to what their parents say. Hypocrisy--if it ever was "in"--is totally & completely "out" with kids today. We fail our children if we say, "Don't do as I do, but do as I say."
Character is security & money. The late banker J.P. Morgan was asked what he considered to be the best bank collateral. Without hesitation he replied, "Character." William Lake put it this way: "One of the most important lessons that experience teaches is that on the whole success depends more upon character than either intellect or fortune."
Looking for the gold. At one time Andrew Carnegie was the wealthiest man in America. He came to America from his native Scotland when he was a small boy, did a variety of jobs, & eventually ended up as the largest steel manufacturer in the United States. At one time he had 43 millionaires working for him. In those days a millionaire was a rare person; conservatively speaking, a million dollars in his day would be equivalent to at least twenty million dollars today.
A reporter asked Carnegie how he had hired 43 millionaires. Carnegie responded that those men had not been millionaires when they started working for him but had become millionaires as a result.
The reporter's next question was, "How did you develop these men to become so valuable to you that you have paid them this much money?" Carnegie replied that men are developed the same way gold is mined. When gold is mined, several tons of dirt must be moved to get an ounce of gold; but one doesn't go into the mine looking for dirt--one goes in looking for gold.
That's exactly the way parents develop positive, successful kids. Don't look for the flaws, warts & blemishes. Look for the gold, not for the dirt; the good, not the bad. Look for the positive aspects of life. Like everything else, the more good qualities we look for in our children, the more good qualities we are going to find.
Find the good & applaud. When you find something good (& it will be easy to do), tell your child specifically what you found that you like. Applaud your child. Do it often. Millions of parents love their kids, but, unfortunately, they never tell them. That's too bad, because applause is an effective confidence builder. Applause is so effective that in the World-renowned Suzuki method of teaching violin, one of the first things the children are taught when they are two, three & four years old is how to take a bow. The instructors know that when the children bow, the audience invariably applauds. And "applause is the best motivator we've found to make children feel good about performing & about themselves."
Finding the good in every person & in every situation is a learned skill that requires work, but because we love our kids, we must make the effort. As parents we must practice & be examples of good-finding, a characteristic of the successful that is caught more than taught.
Reap the benefits of good-finding. A September 1984 study by Family Concern divided 60 school children into three groups of 20 who were given an arithmetic test daily for five days. One group was consistently praised for its previous performance; another group was criticized; the third was ignored. Those who were praised improved dramatically; those who were criticised improved also, but not so much, & those who were ignored hardly improved at all.
Charles Schwab said, "I have yet to find the man--however exalted his station--who did not do better work & put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism." By the same token, children who are raised in a spirit of praise & approval are going to be happier, more productive & more obedient than the ones who are constantly criticised.
Attaining the goal. Here's a special tip that I have found invaluable. The two most important times of day for positive input are early in the morning & late at night. Some psychologists have estimated that the first encounter of a significant nature that you have each day has more impact than the next five encounters as far as your thinking & your attitude are concerned. With that in mind, it's extremely important that you start the day deliberately with very positive input.
The second most important time for input takes place late in the evening. For many years I've read something of a positive nature as I go to sleep.
MOTIVATION & POSITIVE THINKING
Some people are especially negative. There probably is more confusion about motivation & positive thinking than almost any other subject in our society. A study done several years ago at Harvard University revealed that 85% of the reason people get jobs & get ahead in those jobs is because of their attitudes. The conclusion--& the evidence--is overwhelming that parents who want to prepare their children for life will teach them how to develop a winning attitude as a way of life. Motivation & positive thinking are not things you turn on & off & use for special circumstances & events in your life. It is a way of thinking, doing & being that brings incredible benefits to you & your family.
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The poorest man is not he who is without a cent, but he who is without a dream.
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What positive thinking & negative thinking do. No, positive thinking won't let you do anything; but it will let you do everything better than negative thinking will.
Just what is motivation? The subject of motivation is an intriguing & often misunderstood one. The definition of motivate is "to stimulate to action, provide with an incentive or motive." The word motivation itself is a noun. My 1828 American Dictionary of the English Language, Noah Webster Edition, does not even have the words motivate or motivation in it, so it is a fairly new word but an extremely important one.
One of the things that I'm often challenged with in interviews concerns motivation & what it is & what it is not. The challenge often goes like this: "Mr. Ziglar, there are people who say that when they attend a motivational session they get all charged up, but a week later they're back where they were before they attended the session. In other words, motivation is not permanent."
My answer is, "Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis." Eating is not permanent, but it is something you generally do on a daily basis.
Keep it going, folks. To raise positive kids, you must understand that to provide ongoing motivation for yourself & the kids you need to receive motivational input on a regular basis. With the positive input on a steady basis, you will automatically seek out & apply the positive approach to life's daily challenges. For example, when the kids come home from school, welcome them in a positive manner. Instead of asking, "How was your day?" or "What happened at school?" why not set the tone by asking them, "What did you do today that was fun?"; "What did you learn that you enjoyed learning?"; "Who did you meet or play with that you really like?"; "What did the teacher say that pleased you the most?"; "Did you say or do something nice for anyone?" (This approach also works wonders for the attitude & relationship of husbands & wives when they come in from work.)
Then at a later time, when you're having some quiet time with your children, you can ask them to tell you all about what happened that day.
Working for a raise. Attitude is an important facet of our lives at home, in school, & on the job. As a youngster in Yazoo City, Mississippi, while working in a grocery store, I knew the young boy who worked in the store across the street. In those Depression years, most stores, of financial necessity, carried a very limited inventory & played it close to the chest. Once a basic inventory had been established, the store owners tried to anticipate exactly what was going to be sold the next week & ordered accordingly. Of course, this frequently led to shortages, & in these cases the merchants simply borrowed from one another.
The young man across the street who was their "runner", just as I was the "runner" for our store, was named Charlie Scott. I recall countless instances when Charlie would hit our front door at a dead run & sing out to the owner of our store, "Mr. Anderson, I need to borrow six cans of tomatoes!" Mr. Anderson always replied, "Well, go get'm, Charlie. You know where they are." Charlie would dash back to the shelf, grab the items he was borrowing, quickly deposit them on the counter, scribble his name on the slip showing what he had gotten, & race off.
One day when things were slow, I asked Mr. Anderson why Charlie Scott always ran everywhere he went. He replied that Charlie Scott was working for a raise, & he was going to get one. I then asked him how he knew Charlie was going to get a raise, & Mr. Anderson replied that if the man he was working for didn't give him one, that he would!
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It isn't your position that makes you happy or unhappy, it's your disposition.
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This Way to Permanent Employment. I believe that if we teach our kids from the very beginning to give their best, & then some, they will never have to ask for more than one job--unless the company they're working for goes out of business. I'm convinced that when we show up early for work, stay late, do the very best we are capable of doing, & do it with an enthusiastic smile, we are making ourselves irreplaceable. I believe that when we learn new things to do & take on additional responsibilities, sooner or later it will come to management's attention.
It's a universal law--when we do more than we are paid to do, eventually we will be paid more for what we do. When we accept additional responsibilities, we become in essence like sailing vessels. On a sailing vessel, the more sail that is hoisted, the faster & farther it will go. In life, if we want to go farther & faster, we must hoist more sail or put more of ourselves into a project.
POSITIVE STEPS TO DEVELOPING POSITIVE KIDS
By this stage of the game there is a chance you have come to the conclusion that to raise really positive kids you need the genius of Einstein, the insight of a psychologist, the stamina of an athlete, the humour of Bob Hope, the faith of Daniel in the lions' den, & the courage of David as he faced Goliath.
If I've communicated that to you, I owe you an apology. One thing I have tried to communicate is the fact that raising positive kids is not easy, but a loving, dedicated parent following some relatively clear guidelines can handle the job & reap infinite joy as a result.
Education starts now. Many educators say the early teaching of phonics is vital to a child's development. Once a child has mastered phonics, he or she can read anything, including college texts.
Joseph Susedik, who believes in talking to children while they're in the womb, stressed the need for a calm, serene atmosphere for an expectant mother in order for a child to be born with complete trust in the parent. "Only if the child has complete trust," he said, "can he or she be taught. You must teach your children with love, gentleness, & only at a time when they're willing to learn."
"The first five to six years of the child's life are `effortless learning'," Mr. Susedik said, & emphasised the need for parents to spend as much time with their children as possible: "When they have a question, don't put them off."
Dr. Taylor agrees with the Susediks' approach to child rearing & the necessity for developing verbalisation skills at an early age. "Parents & teachers should be interacting with their children, not just talking to them," she said. "If they are busy, they should still not send a child away saying, `Tell me later.'"
The age of regulation. In Signs of the Times (April 1984), author John Drescher points out that children actually go through three ages. The first is the age of regulation, which is from the ages of 1 to 7.
During this time the child needs to know what is expected. The child without definite, clear rules becomes unruly. He is unhappy & insecure, & he develops feelings of not being loved. Further, he will kick out--sometimes in the most annoying ways--to feel where his boundaries & controls are.
Take control early or lose control forever. If parents exercise proper control in the early years, they can relax later because the child will have developed controls. If the limits & controls are lacking in the early years, the child will not only be at a loss in the later years but will also be more likely to react & rebel against any kind of control. Direct orders are best during the early years. Let the no's be few, but consistent & in love.
The age of imitation. The second age of childhood is the age of imitation, which occurs between the ages of 8 & 12. This is the period of time when, as John Balguy says, "Whatsoever parent gives his child good instruction & sets them at the same time a bad example, may be considered as bringing them food in one hand & poison in the other." During these years, role models are most important to a child. Rules are important, but example is the great stimulus.
It is "kiddie-see, kiddie-do," or as my mother said so many times as we began our own family, "Son, your children pay more attention to what you do than what you say."
In a study several years ago it was learned that more than half of those who become Christian ministers had decided on this vocation by the age of eleven. Now, more than ever before or after, the parent dare not be or do what he does not want his child to be or do. Consistent living, which conforms to what is taught, is now at an all-time premium. Therefore, it is important that the adults who teach & guide children during this period be the kind of persons worthy of imitation.
The age of inspiration. The next age is the age of inspiration--ages 13 & up. During the teenage period the child is inspired by great ideas of one kind or another. He must have heroes. If he is not given heroes, he will find them; if he is not inspired by the right kind of heroes, he will be inspired by the wrong kind. During this period a great deal of stability & character is gained if the teenager has a certain goal in mind. He needs both short-range & long-range goals. Rules & limits are, of course, still important. By now, however, the adolescent needs to have inner controls to be effective because parents cannot possibly be present at all times. The teenager needs to bring all past experiences to bear.
Develop their imaginations early. One classic example of where children's real interests lie is in the fact that quite often at Christmas when the toys come out of the boxes, the kids end up playing with the boxes, not the toys. They design all kinds of things with them. And what little boy hasn't built his own fort & what little girl hasn't built her own dollhouse out of boxes, sticks, a pillow, an old towel or blanket, & anything else they can scrounge from their parents?
Humour helps--try it! To maintain our optimism & increase our chances for raising positive kids, we must have a sense of humour to overcome the problems, obstacles, & discouragement we all confront from time to time.
Humour can be a great encourager. Evidence is also mounting that humour is one of the truly great teaching & motivational tools in our lives. A study from San Diego State (Family Concern, August 1984) showed that humour helped students do better on tests. Four groups of undergraduates taking psychology were given the choice of attending either a serious lecture or a humorous one. The four groups scored equally well on a quiz immediately after the lectures; but on a retest six weeks later, students who had attended the humorous lecture demonstrated superior recall.
A child needs to know he is special. This idea is tremendously important. Richard Green, a dynamic Dallas businessman, has taken an effective & unique approach with his children. Both are adopted, & so the Greens celebrate two birthdays--one is the date of birth & the other is the date of adoption. This communicates to his children that they are very special & makes their adoption a plus with a resultant boost to their self-images.
I close this chapter with an example told me by my friends Jerry & Jo Bacon who live in Charleston, South Carolina. Several years ago they encountered an interesting situation with their beautiful daughter, Beth, who truly is the little "Miss America" type of girl. She's enthusiastic, motivated, courteous, dependable, pleasant, loving, outgoing--all the good things! Her nature was cheerful from the time she got up until she went to bed.
Several years ago, Jerry & Jo gave Beth a clock radio for Christmas to awaken her in the morning. They did not realise it, but they set the radio dial on a rock music station. Each morning when she awakened, she heard five minutes of news that had taken place the day & night before. Then the station started playing rock music.
The change was slow & barely noticeable, but over a period of two or three months Beth became progressively more irritable & grumpy about a lot of different things. She didn't laugh as much, she complained a lot more, she was not nearly as loving & affectionate; in short, she became a different little girl.
Jo & Jerry noticed the changes & did some brainstorming. One thing led to another until they traced the change back to Christmas & the clock radio. The solution was simplicity itself. They took the clock radio out of Beth's room (yes, she fussed about that, too; but responsible, loving parents do what is best for the child & the family). Each morning one of them would go in & awaken her with hugs & kisses & a cheerful welcome to the new day. Obviously, you know the end of the story or you wouldn't be reading about it--& of course, you're right. In a matter of weeks she again became the happy, loving, enthusiastic girl she had always been. Change the input, & you change the output.
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Children Live What They Learn
If a child lives with criticism,
He learns to condemn
If a child lives with hostility,
He learns violence.
If a child lives with ridicule,
He learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
He learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with encouragement,
He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
He learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
He learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
He learns faith.
If a child lives with approval,
He learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance & friendship,
He learns to love the World.
--Dorothy Law Nolte
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THE TRIDIMENSIONAL CHILD
Physical health for mental & social growth. An article in the Kansas City Times by Dr. Gabe Mirkin emphasizes the importance of our physical condition. He used 12-year-old Jamie as an example. Although a bright child, Jamie did poorly in school last year. He was slightly overweight, & his muscle tone was below what it should be. Jamie was restless & unable to sit still very long. It seems that about all he did was watch TV or go to the movies, & he was not involved in any kind of sports. During the summer Dr. Mirkin put Jamie on an exercise program that Jamie himself had chosen.
Dr. Mirkin pointed out that many children are like Jamie & do not get enough exercise, even though we usually think of childhood as a time of great activity. "Being out of shape is associated with a greater chance of scholastic underachievement, so I recommended that Jamie get more exercise. The results were good. Jamie's doing much better. He's now playing on a youth football team & is doing well in school."
According to Dr. Mirkin, several studies have shown that being unfit is a characteristic of many students who do poorly in class. 83% of the students who flunked out of Syracuse University could not pass a minimal physical fitness test.
Pioneering studies by A.H. Ismail, a professor of physical education at Purdue University, have shown that "physically fit people are more intellectually inclined, emotionally stable, composed, self-confident, easygoing & relaxed.
"The very act of keeping in shape reinforces these personality attributes," says the Purdue researcher. "Exercise not only makes you fitter, it can even sharpen a person's ability to process information, consequently enhancing one's learning capabilities," Ismail says. "A subject who is rebellious, emotionally unstable, uptight & aggressive can change his personality through a long-term physical fitness program. Such a program, besides making one feel healthier, also causes one to calm down, be more composed, self-confident, easygoing & relaxed."
Exercise & diet for mental agility. Scientifically speaking, Dr. Kenneth Cooper says that when you exercise, you activate the pituitary gland that floods your system with endorphins, which are 200 times more powerful than morphine. As a result, for the next one to three hours, your energy level is higher, & your creativity is at a peak. The increased energy level combined with the added mental alertness should be helpful academically.
Ideally, the child should never be given candy, soft drinks, or most of the junk food so prevalent on the market today. Realistically, that would be an extremely difficult regimen to follow. For example, the average American adolescent consumes 836 cans of soda pop each year (These Times, February 1984). That's over two every day. That borders on insanity & is absolutely ridiculous! Recent reports from the American Psychological Association show that cutting down on sugar intake sometimes results in as much as an 80% drop in misbehaviour amongst severe delinquents in this country!
Cute, chubby baby often means obese child. There are probably four thousand rules that could be followed to keep your child's weight under control, but let's look at a few simple ones. Mealtimes, when humanly possible, should be the most casual, relaxing experiences of the day.
Family problems need to be discussed at other times. Watching a blaring television set & reading magazines, newspapers, or books during meals are absolute no-no's. The emphasis should be on the family & on the food. You can eat an entire meal accompanied by outside distractions & not really be aware of the fact you're eating. The result is that often you will eat more than you should.
One critical stage of life for the youngster arrives when he is old enough to select his own foods & concentrates on sweets & junk food. The time quickly comes when the parents must put a foot down & say no to this destructive habit. If the child rebels & doesn't eat anything, don't sweat it. By the next day or even the next meal, he will discover a real taste for enough of the foods with some nutritional value that he won't starve to death.
Good health is simple--not easy. Study after study reveals that children who start the day with a good breakfast do better in school. Additionally, children who skip breakfast often compensate later in the day by eating salty snacks, which can lead to weight gain & hypertension.
Eating a nutritious breakfast also gives the kids time with mom &/or dad before going to school, which is extremely important. This allows the parents to set the stage for the day & to provide encouragement.
Team effort & exercise. Dr. Ken Cooper of aerobics fame says that the only way to permanently lose weight is to combine sensible eating habits with a sensible exercise program. Repeated or prolonged dieting often makes it easier & easier to gain weight on less & less food. Psychologist Martin Katahan, director of the Weight Management Program, says that the body interprets severe calorie restriction as a threat to its survival & lowers the metabolic rate to conserve energy. Whereas 2,000 calories a day may have maintained the pre-diet weight, consuming only 1,400 now may cause a weight gain. Exercise, not dieting, is the key to sustain weight loss, Katahan advises. He recommends making time for 200 calories worth of daily exercise, such as a 45-minute brisk walk. Just expending that extra 200 calories a day would mean 20 or 30 fewer pounds of fat within a year.
Start early on the spiritual. Dr. James Dobson, psychologist & author, has remarked that kids begin to "buy in" to your spiritual guidance & direction in values at a very early age. At that point in your child's life & experience, you are the role models--the most significant people to whom your child looks for direction in every aspect of life. What your kid needs above all in a World that is spiritually out of balance is the example of a clear, consistent, disciplined approach to faith in God.
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Each week you're investing a little bit more in eternity as you invest in your children, because children are forever! These eternal lives are going to last forever, & everything you've put into them is going to count!
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In the 1830s Alexis de Tocqueville toured America. When his tour had been completed, he made this observation (& I paraphrase):
"I have toured America, & I have seen most of what you offer. I've seen the richness of the fields & the wealth of your mines. I've seen your industrial might, the beauties of the rivers, the streams, the lakes, & the grandeur of the mountains. I've noticed the abundance of the forests & the marvellous climate with which you are blessed.
"In none of these things did I see the cause for the greatness of America. It wasn't until I went into your churches that I saw the reason for America's greatness. America is great because America is good; & as long as America is good, America will be great. If it ever ceases to be good, it will cease to be great."
In her book, "Pathfinders," Gail Sheehy reports her study to determine what characterises people who have a strong sense of satisfaction about themselves & about their lives. One thing she discovered was that in every group she surveyed, the most satisfied people were also likely to be the most religious. Another of her findings showed the strong role commitment plays in shaping lives. The results among high-satisfaction people were dramatic. The greater well-being a person reflected, the more likely he or she was to have an outside purpose. The distinction is so considerable as to make the current philosophy of "looking out for number one" sound like a national suicide pact.
FOR A CHILD, LOVE IS SPELLED T-I-M-E
Motivational speaker & leadership trainer Sheila Murray Bethel expresses a profound thought in this manner: "Never once have I heard an older person look back on life & say, `Boy, oh boy! I wish I had spent more time with the corporation!' or, `If I had it to do over, I would get up even earlier in the morning & go down to the company & really get after my job!'" However, most older people generally regret that they spent too little time with their children.
Most of my other time & energy investments have gone by the board, but the investments of time & energy in my children are now paying dividends of love & enjoyment beyond my wildest imagination. That's the reason you will often hear me say, "You don't `pay the price', you enjoy the benefits."
It's not easy. The story is told that Fritz Kreisler, the World-famous violinist, was once approached by an enthusiastic music fan who cried, "Mr. Kreisler, I'd give my life to play as you do!" "Madam," he quietly replied, "I did." If you don't have to give your life to raise a positive child, at least you have to give many hours of time.
A quantity of quality time. I'm obviously talking about quality time here, but it is represented by a considerable amount of quantity time. There is no way you can sit down with your child & say, "Okay, now, let's have ten minutes of quality time."
Quality time is tremendously important. Seldom, however, is quality time significant if it is time dutifully set aside so that you can spend an hour with your mate or your child with the attitude, "Now let's have this quality time together--what do you want to talk about?"
"Career mothers" have some exciting advantages. The mother's impact is evidenced from the very beginning. For example, Marshall Klaus & John Kennell of Case Western Reserve School of Medicine in Cleveland have demonstrated that mothers who are allowed an hour with their infants immediately following birth, in addition to five hours in each of the next three days, behave differently from other mothers denied the same amount of time with their newborns. Intrigued with Klaus & Kennell's findings, other researchers extended their studies & found that increased contact between a mother & her healthy, fullterm infant in the first few days & weeks after birth is associated with fewer instances of later child abuse. Increased contact also correlates with less infant crying, more rapid infant growth, & increased affection & more self-confidence on the part of the mother.
Yet another study involving 2,400 fifth graders revealed that the one thing that upset the children the most was spending too little time with their parents.
Dr. Armand Nicholi says that an overcommitted life-style that makes parents inaccessible to their children produces much the same effect as separation itself. Herein lies our most serious failing as mothers & fathers. Cross-cultural studies make it clear that parents in the United States spend less time with their children than in almost any nation of the World, including the Soviet Union.
No wonder our kids are more & more turning to drugs, sex, rebellion & tragically, suicide--particularly since spending too little time with their parents is their number one concern.
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A young successful attorney said:
"The greatest gift I ever received was a gift I got one Christmas when my dad gave me a small box. Inside was a note saying, `Son, this year I will give you 365 hours, an hour every day after dinner. It's yours. We'll talk about what you want to talk about, we'll go where you want to go, play what you want to play. It will be your hour!'" "My dad not only kept his promise," he said, "but every year he renewed it--and it's the greatest gift I ever had in my life. I am the result of his time."
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What are your priorities? Priorities are extremely important. When you look at what your priorities are, it will be relatively easy to see what's important in your life by simply checking the amount of time you spend doing each thing. The parent who watches several hours of television a day but doesn't have time to take the child to the soccer match clearly communicates to the child that watching television is a much higher priority than spending time with him, watching him grow & develop.
RAISING POSITIVE KIDS IS A TEAM EFFORT
Parental authority. Much of the music our kids listen to deals with their right "to be free" & "to do their own thing." Evidence is solid, however, that what the kids really want is security. Clinical psychologist Dr. Martin Cohen says this security is provided by parental authority & that it's scary for kids when they're not experiencing that authority from their parents. He says that a kid may press the parents harder & harder until they finally have to stop him.
What he's really doing is asking his parents to behave as parents. The child is checking to see if that strength he's always depended on is still there. He's just taking a peek to be sure he wasn't mistaken about his source of security. And Parents, you can't disappoint him--you have to remain firm in your place as parents.
Authority, according to the dictionary, is "the power or right to give commands, enforce obedience, take action or make final decisions." One thing kids need--& even demand--is the right to experience the disciplining pressure of parental authority, which keeps them headed in the right direction.
Mothers & daddies are special. Recently I saw a thought-provoking bumper sticker: "Anybody can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy." That's right, & anyone can have a baby, but it takes someone special to be a mother.
When you study some of the great, positive, history-making figures, you will often find they speak of the influence of a parent. Abraham Lincoln is quoted as saying, "All that I am I owe to my angel mother." General Douglas MacArthur said, "My sainted mother taught me devotion to God & a love of country which have ever sustained me. To her I yield anew a son's reverent thanks." The great preacher G. Campbell Morgan had four sons. They all became ministers. At a family reunion a friend asked one of the sons, "Which Morgan is the greatest preacher?" With his eyes beaming with delight, the son looked over to his father & said, "Why, it's Mother!"
The model for the World our kids will build, their vision for tomorrow, largely depends on how they see us as parents & how we raise them today. What an awesome responsibility!
It takes teamwork & team leadership. Raising positive kids is best done as a team effort, & since the family is truly a unit, it functions more effectively as a team. Families working together can accomplish more than they can as individuals.
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Would you write your name among the stars?
Then write it large upon
The hearts of children.
They will remember!
Have you visions of a nobler, happier World?
Tell the children!
They will build it for you.
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The winning team--mom & dad. The main point I'm making is that to raise positive kids, if both a dad & a mom are in the home, they should both be involved in all aspects of raising the children. That's the only way mom, dad, & the kids are all going to win.
Build respect--it's a must! To build a relationship of love & respect, you must remember that your children respond to you according to the way they feel about you. If those feelings are ones of love & respect, you will receive obedient, loving responses from the children because that is what they want to do. However, if there is no respect, you can rest assured the responses will be rebellious & disrespectful. That's why parents should conduct themselves in a manner that creates respect & builds love. There's no real unity without respect.
The parents who break promises to their kids, scream & shout at each other in private or in public, come home stumbling drunk, & treat each other with contempt & disrespect will destroy any sense of honor & respect the child might have for them. When that happens, obedience & discipline go out the door. In addition, there will be considerable confusion in the child's mind. He undoubtedly loves you as his parents, but without respect, he can't really like you, so he truly is in an emotional dilemma.
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The definition of perfect parenting
Is easy to express,
Just err & err again
But less & less & less.
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Mom & dad in agreement. If you remember, I warned you earlier that there were no really easy steps or methods of raising positive kids, but there are many essential ones. And the most critical of all has to be the relationship between mom & dad. If the child grows up seeing mom & dad showing little respect & kindness toward each other & often engaging in verbal--if not physical--conflict, the child slowly but surely sees that marriage is a battleground & that the family is not something to enjoy but something to tolerate--& leave as soon as possible.
COMMUNICATING WITH FAMILY MEMBERS
Let's talk about it. In many many cases marital problems can be solved & serious family breakups averted with kindness & conversation. One member of the family, whether intentionally or not, closes out the other member by not engaging in simple conversation or, probably more often, not listening to what the other person has to say. To raise positive kids, parents must learn to communicate with their children & with each other.
On the surface, this appears to be reasonably simple, but in the rush of things we seem to have time for just about everything except good old-fashioned conversation. I became aware of this problem early in my career because for 16 years I was in direct sales, which meant that I sold products directly to people in their homes. I have been in thousands of homes, & I have seen children treated in every imaginable way. I've seen families where 5-year-olds were in complete control, & have been in homes where teenagers were so browbeaten & dominated that they would not even speak, or, when addressed, could not or would not even look at you.
Talking takes time. There is no way I can oversell the importance of husbands & wives talking to each other. The number one complaint the average housewife has is that her husband deals only in facts & figures & communicates only the barest amount of information.
From the moment of birth, the baby needs to be talked to. As a matter of fact, evidence is overwhelming that the more the newborn baby is held, sung to, talked to, hummed to, the more emotionally stable & intelligent the baby is going to be.
If you have babies in your home, remember to avoid the major problem many parents fall into--continuing the baby talk too long. Actually, the most appropriate time for baby talk is when you are holding, hugging, or kissing the baby or toddler. When the child is at arm's length or across the room & you are chatting with him, you need to chat with him in pretty much the same way you visit with older children. Talk a little more slowly, distinctly & lovingly, but use more than just one-syllable words. The baby & or toddler can understand infinitely more than he communicates to you!
Handling talkative 4-year-olds. Children should certainly be included in the family conversations, & if it's only the family, they should frequently be included from the very beginning. That's the way they learn to deal with the adult World, improve their alertness, & build their vocabulary, which develop their social & conversational skills. This also makes them feel like part of the team.
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Poetry, being imaginative, fresh & honest, is the very language of children, & in a family many of their incidental remarks are essentially love poems. Once, when we were in the living room with a guest, my small daughter came & sat close to me on the sofa & whispered, "Will you look at me, too, some of the time, & smile, & speak to me?" This is one version of a child's eternal love poem to the World.--Rachel Peden
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Get the kids involved. One common denominator we all have is the need to be loved & to be understood. In our family discussions when our children are made to feel like important members of the family from a communications point of view, we are building & establishing ties we can enjoy for a lifetime.
Watch that tone of voice. Many times our children test us. They're checking our authority & attempting to see if we will give in or let them get by with something. However, once the rules & limits have been firmly established, the children are comfortable with them & grateful for those limits.
The tone of voice you use in giving instructions & issuing denials is extremely important. The primary thing is that your voice, which is your most effective communication tool, should by its tone & inflection communicate authority but also, at the same time, love & concern for the child. It will require work, sensitivity, & discipline on your part, but that's one more reason why we need our best minds & most loving people at home.
When you have to say no, you should say it in most cases after some reflection. The more often you change from a "no" to a "yes", the more likely your child is going to test you on all your no's. This leads to an ongoing conflict & battle of wits, which is time-consuming, energy destructive, & confidence destroying as far as the child's ability & willingness to accept the fact that the parent really is an authority figure who is in control. In most cases when you say no, it should be a firm one & you should stick to it.
Have a purpose for your no's. Sometimes when you say no & your child asks the inevitable why, you might softly ask, "What do you think the reasons are? Can you think of any reason why we would not want you to do this or go to this particular place?" Chances are, he's going to be able to supply you with some pretty good reasons, maybe some you haven't even thought about. (This is true if you've been fair & have kept those communication lines open.)
A loud voice can cause problems. In communicating with children, perhaps the most serious mistake parents make is the volume they use. Some research done at Wayne State University involving a group of young children 3 & 4 years of age & another group of 5 & 6 years of age revealed some interesting facts.
The children were given a number of commands. Some were positive, such as, "Clap your hands", others were negative, such as, "Don't touch your toes." When the researchers spoke softly, both groups of kids did what they were told, but when they raised their voices, the 3 & 4-year-old group especially did exactly the opposite of what they were told not to do. In a nutshell, kids, especially the young ones, are more likely to do things that might harm them because the intensity of the parent's voice calls their attention to the subject at hand. For instance, a parent's screaming, "Stay out of the street!" can startle a little one, causing him to step off the curb.
Real authority is tempered & gentle, but firm. When you're out of control, you've lost your kids & their respect, because they know they've gotten to you. Firm direction with the proper voice control is powerful, convincing, & encouraging. When the kids see that you have control of yourself & the situation, they will respond to that soft, authoritative, self-assured voice.
Say "please" for best results. Courteous communication is infectious in a family setting. When children have requests of you, require them to precede the request with the word "please": "Mommy, would you please give me some more milk?" or "Dad, would you please help me to take off my boots?" By the same token, you teach by word & deed, so you should follow the same courteous procedure: "Please make up your bed," or "Please be quiet." After the child follows through, you should say, "Thank you." That's being courteous without compromising your authority, & it teaches your child to say thank you when anyone does something for him.
This effectively teaches obedience as well as courtesy, & as Anne Sullivan said of Helen Keller: "I've thought about it a great deal & the more I think the more certain I am that obedience is the gateway through which knowledge--yes, & love, too--enter the mind of a child."
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It takes time & patience & understanding & lots of real love to train a child.
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Everything is communications. We communicate with our kids in many different ways. Our body language indirectly says a lot & we communicate directly with the spoken word & the amount of time we spend with them. The most positive or negative communications, as far as results are concerned, take place when parents talk about their children. How the parent really feels about the child is often revealed in the discussions either in the child's presence or ostensibly when the child is not listening. The kids believe this overheard conversation & respond accordingly.
I've heard parents call their kids monsters & dummies. I've heard parents say such cruel & thoughtless things as, "When he failed the third-grade reading test, I knew we were going to have trouble with him & that he never would be a good student. He does such dumb things in school, but that's to be expected; he does dumb things around the house."
I'm going to end this chapter with a thought on the one key ingredient in family communication that is assumed as natural by most people but is most difficult to practice. That key is listening--really listening. When children or parents feel they are being listened to, they are able to respect the listeners & respect themselves--since their comments have value. This leads us to the next section where we discuss the importance of feeling good about oneself. That's right--how to have, & help your children have, a positive self-image.
BUILDING A HEALTHY SELF-IMAGE
The need for unconditional love. Yes, ridicule, abuse, fault-finding, etc. are destructive forces. From one perspective they all stem from a critical, harmful, negative spirit. As such, they are all tied together, but personally I have come to the conclusion that the number one cause of a poor self-image in adults & children is the absence of unconditional parental love. This unconditional love from the parent almost always precedes self-acceptance. I have come to this conclusion as a result of considerable research done personally & by various members of our staff through thousands of contacts made in our school "I Can" program & our "Born to Win" seminars.
What is unconditional love? It's just what the phrase implies--loving a person without any prior conditions, because of who the person is & not because of what the person does. Unfortunately too many parents love a child if he cleans up his room, makes good grades, is home by eleven, is a "good" boy or girl. In short, the love is conditional. This means that often a child doesn't feel he deserves love, even from his parents. The love is tied to performance, & if the performance isn't good, the indication is that there is no love. If the child feels that the parents love only the good actions or good performance & not him, a Pandora's box of potential trouble is opened up.
If the child doesn't feel he deserves love from his own parents, he assumes that he is unworthy of love; therefore, he should not love himself. Logically, then, if he can't love himself & feel good about himself, who will love him? Indeed, it is a very short step to feeling of no value--a nobody. Such a blow to the self-image--namely, feeling "I'm nobody"--is devastating.
Manifestations of a poor self-image. Teenage depression is another common manifestation of a poor self-image. This one is particularly significant, because the ultimate in depression & self-hate is suicide. Suicide is the number two killer of our children in the United States (U.S. News & World Report, November 12, 1984). When a person thinks very little of himself, he has a tendency to think very little of his chance in life. Then depression enters the picture & is tragically often the forerunner of suicide.
Vive la difference. Needless to say, you should not treat each youngster alike or with the same expectations. Nevertheless, each one can be reared as a positive kid to make contributions to our society. It is vitally important to remember that regardless of what a child has in the way of mental alertness, brawn & beauty, his self-image is to a large degree dependent on how he thinks you, the parent, really feel about him.
Remember, parents, generally speaking it is simpler for the multi-talented child to feel okay about himself & to be accepted by his peers. Often it's the less-endowed child who becomes a victim of self-depreciation for one reason or another. With this child, parents need to be "good-finders" & encouragers, giving & using special love, compassion & wisdom.
Self-image "do's" & "don'ts".
1.) Parents must forego the temptation to constantly repeat to their children what they accomplished when they were in school. Somebody laughingly has said that time dramatically improves the parents' performance. In reality what most parents want from their children is something they themselves never had as students.
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A minister who was walking along a road saw a crowd of boys surrounding a dog.
"What are you doing with the dog?" asked the kindly minister.
"Whoever tells the biggest lie, he wins the dog."
"Oh, my, my, my," exclaimed the minister, "when I was a little boy like you here I never told a lie."
There was a moment's silence. "Here," said one of the little fellows, "you win the dog."
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2.) We need to teach our children, & remind them often, that nobody can make them feel inferior without their permission, & they need to be taught not to give that permission to anyone.
3.) Since your personality is judged by the way others perceive you, the way you teach your child to communicate & "come across" is extremely important for every phase of his life. For that reason I strongly urge you to help your child develop an enthusiastic outlook on life. You can do this in many different ways.
For example, when your children are introduced to someone, teach them to courteously & enthusiastically say, "It's nice to meet you," & call that individual by name.
4.) The completion of anything has a tendency to improve self-image. As often as possible, select for children jobs or chores around the house that have definite starting & stopping points. You can help ensure the finished job by giving them workable plans with reachable time schedules.
5.) It is true that everyone can't excel in all areas, such as brains, brawn, or good looks, but you can assure your child that he can be just as honest, courteous, cheerful, loyal, faithful, enthusiastic, & any one of a hundred other positive things as others are.
6.) Of all the things we can teach our children, surely learning how to read is one of the most important. Reading is the key to education in virtually every area of life.
7.) To build your child's self-image, teach him manners. Our society over the past two decades has put everyone in such an incredible hurry that many parents have been "too busy" to teach discipline, common courtesy, & simple table manners. For a parent to neglect this area of a child's education is one of the really big sins of omission.
An amazing number of parents do not know the simple rudiments of table manners. They talk with their mouths crammed with food & grab a fork like a baseball bat. They cut an entire piece of meat at one time, do not know which utensil to use for which food, leave the spoon in the tea or coffee after stirring in the sweetener, reach across the table, leave the house or restaurant with a toothpick in their mouths, etc. In the event you parents do not have the knowledge or the patience to teach your children good table manners, I suggest you encourage the children to take classes in home economics to acquire those skills & social graces.
8.) One of the most important principles of building a healthy self-image is to establish a positive, loving environment. I'm talking, of course, about an attitude in the home.
9.) Another excellent image builder is to start the day by looking yourself in the eye & making the commitment to do & be your best that day. Then proceed to do exactly that. Before you go to bed that night, you can look yourself in the eye & honestly say, "Today I did my best." Almost nothing will make you feel better about yourself than knowing that you have done your best.
A final word on self-image building. I can say with reasonable certainty that when your child is between the ages of 9 & 15, you will have a better chance of losing him to drugs & immorality than at any other stage of his life.
This is a period of time when kids desperately need you to put your arms around them, hug them & kiss them, tell them how much you love them, & how much you need them. Those are the needs, & they are real. Interestingly enough, although kids need you the most at this stage, they will probably seem to be the least comfortable with you. That's one of the reasons many of them seem to pull away. That pulling away, Parents, is your signal to lovingly reach out with understanding & without too much pressure.
SEX
Sex education is taught every day. If mom & dad are openly thoughtful & affectionate with each other, evidenced by a little hand holding, expressions of love, & nonsexual hugging, children very early learn that the family is a loving unit, that it's nice to have a mate. When loving parents demonstrate kindness & caring toward each other, children learn more about the proper attitude & behaviour toward the opposite sex than by any other method. Such parents provide an effective lifetime laboratory of sex education for their children to observe. This effectively opens the door to teach the kids about sex & the role it plays in their lives.
I remember one afternoon when my 6-year-old son was watching an old, old television movie. The hero & heroine were embracing. As I walked through the den, I saw it & rather facetiously said, "My goodness! That sure is mushy!" Without looking up from the television my son replied, "Huh! You ought to see you & mom!"
To be honest, I would prefer that my son spread the word around the neighbourhood that mom & dad are at home hugging rather than that mom & dad are at home fighting. To the best of my knowledge, my son had never seen me give his mother more than a friendly, quick kiss. But I do know he had seen us hold hands & hug a lot.
FORGIVENESS--THE ULTIMATE "POSITIVE" IN LIFE
Forgiveness! Surely the most important, difficult & dangerous act in life is that of forgiveness. The Bible is clear on the subject: "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Mat.6:14-15).
Forgiveness gives you a clear path to the love & power of your heavenly Father, & it clears the air & opens the communications door to the person who has abused or offended you. If there is hatred, resentment or bitterness between you & a relative or former friend or between you & others, you can completely free yourself only through forgiveness.
If I were to single out one thing from this entire book that I believe will enable you to do more with & for your children & your career while giving you peace of mind & helping you enjoy life more, it would be this: Seek out the people in life you feel have wronged you. Ask each individual to forgive you for what you might have done to him. Then assure each one that you certainly have forgiven him. I might say in advance that this is perhaps the most difficult thing you will ever undertake. I also say it is the most important single thing as well as one of the most dangerous things you will ever do.
Forgive the other person. When you forgive whoever the offender may be, you are saying, "I now accept full responsibility for my future, my behaviour, & for my success or failure. I no longer blame you for the fact that I'm not doing well, that I'm broke, drinking too much, on drugs," or whatever your particular problem happens to be. When you accept this responsibility for your own behaviour, & subsequently your own success, you have taken your biggest step toward freedom, individual growth, & personal success.
If you have a real or imagined difficulty with a friend or a loved one, regardless of the harm or damage inflicted upon you, I urge you to forgive that person & ask him or her to forgive you for anything you might possibly have done. It's the best possible thing you can do for both parties. Not only does it clear the relationship between you & God, but it also opens the door for healing & reconciliation with the offender.
DISCIPLINE--THE KEY TO A POSITIVE KID'S GREATNESS
Discipline: "Training or experience that corrects, molds, strengthens, or perfects."
A truly handicapped child. Handicapped children come in many forms. For example, Freddie is a seriously handicapped child. I met him a number of years ago when I was in a home in South Carolina making a call on his family to sell a set of cookware. Just looking at him, you would seriously question my observation that he is handicapped. He was a precocious 9-year-old with beautiful blond hair & blue eyes. He was a little large for his age, & his dad said he was a "natural athlete." He made good grades in school & gave every indication of being a bright student. Yet I can honestly say he was one of the most handicapped youngsters I've ever met. He was handicapped behaviourally.
Freddie was rude, thoughtless, selfish, demanding & inconsiderate, & he had a temper he used to manipulate & intimidate his family.
However, it's not Freddie's fault. He is simply doing exactly what he's been taught to do. His parents have indulged & spoiled him, maintaining they love him so much they just can't say no to him. By not saying no to his whims, demands, temper, boorishness, selfishness, & thoughtlessness, they're forcing the business, academic, & social communities to say no to the son they seldom said no to as he was growing up. How tragic, especially since Freddie, like all kids, really wanted to be loved enough to be disciplined.
I believe it is human nature for all of us from time to time to resist authority. At each stage of a child's life, he is going to take those steps of resistance. As a parent interested in raising a positive child, you need to understand that his resistance or rebellion does not mean he wants to win or that he wants you to surrender to him. He is simply testing you. What he wants is reassurance that you are firm & strong but still loving. He needs & must have boundaries within which he can operate & a loving authority to whom he can go with the confidence he's going to get the direction necessary to succeed in life.
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Any parent whose children don't fear him as well as love him, is no parent!--Like God, we not only love God, but we fear Him!
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Security through discipline. One of the saddest things about overt permissiveness, when a parent lets a child "run loose" & do everything he wants to, is that it sets up expectancy in the child's mind that others should & will treat him the same way. That is both unreasonable & unrealistic.
Discipline & order are part of the natural laws of the universe. The child who has not been disciplined with love by his little World (the family) will be disciplined, generally without love, by the big World.
What is discipline? The reality is that whether you do or don't discipline your child, you educate him to a particular set of values. Realistically, if you don't administer loving but fair discipline to the child, you can be certain society sooner or later will, but not always in a loving, fair manner. Perhaps that's the reason a 1980 Gallup Poll revealed that over 90% of the graduating high school seniors wished their parents & teachers loved them enough to discipline them more & require more of them. Maybe these young people instinctively knew that in the real World they would be entering (where the report card is a paycheck), they were going to need the knowledge, confidence & discipline they had not received while they were in school. They know that winners are not developed on feather beds.
Discipline--wanted, needed & demanded. I love this thought: "No man ever became great doing as he pleased." Little men do as they please; great men submit themselves to the laws governing the realm of their greatness.
Some practical tips for parents. Mrs. Johnson came into young Billy's room to find him bandaging his thumb.
"What happened?" she asked.
"I hit it with a hammer."
"But I didn't hear you cry."
"I thought you were out."
This little "funny" is so true of life. To raise a positive kid, parents & grandparents need to ignore the child occasionally. I'm comfortable with the statement that virtually all parents have observed that when little Johnny or Mary falls, if mom & dad rush forward to pick him or her up, extend all sorts of sympathy, offer reassurances that everything's all right, & kiss away the hurt, they establish a pattern. Every time anything happens, little Johnny & little Mary cry, & mom & dad are on their way to raising a crybaby who will be dependent on them for too long.
Don't misunderstand. If your child falls & really is hurt, then obviously he needs your attention.
Start the teaching process early. Start teaching your children to do things at an early age, provided, of course, there is no physical danger involved, such as using a knife, a power lawn mower, or some other potentially harmful tool. But things like sweeping the floor, taking out the trash, making the bed, etc. are appropriate activities for youngsters.
Frankly it would be much simpler for you to go ahead & do those things. You can do them so much better & faster, & actually with less effort than it takes to spend some time persuading & teaching the child how to do them. The problem is that a 4-year-old is often unaware of his limitations, & at that stage of the game he believes he can do just about anything & is anxious to give it a shot. When you put the child aside & say, "Here, let Dad or Mom do it," you are sending a message.
The message is, "You can't do it very well, but dad or mom can." You will probably need some time to convince him of it, but by the time the child is 9 or 10 years old, you will have totally convinced him that you are much better at doing everything than he is. As a result, the child not only will "let" you do everything but also will obstinately refuse to help you around the house. Either that or he will do it so grudgingly that you come to the conclusion that you were right all the time. Of course, you will send a child into the World both unprepared & unwilling to tackle anything difficult or distasteful.
You raise positive kids by teaching & requiring them early on to do the little things around the house. Step by step they naturally progress into accepting more & more responsibility until the happy day arrives when they will be able to do many things better than either parent. That's when you will know that discipline pays.
Be careful how you discipline. The "shaken-infant syndrome" is now being reported around the country. Parents, otherwise well-meaning in their behaviour, have shaken their infants so severely that brain damage has resulted. Usually the parents are trying to stop their infants from crying or to punish a baby for a perceived misdeed, which most often is merely childish clumsiness. Not only are such efforts fruitless with infants, because they are too young to understand what is required of them, but the tragedy could have been averted if parents understood more about what to expect from young children. Shaking a baby is not discipline--it is abuse.
POSITIVE PERSISTENCE PRODUCES POSITIVE KIDS
You gotta hang in there! All children need to learn the story of the Chinese bamboo tree. My friend Joel Weldon, an outstanding speaker from Phoenix, Arizona, tells the story. The Chinese plant the seed; they water & fertilise it, but the first year nothing happens. The second year they water & fertilise it, & still nothing happens. The third & fourth years they water & fertilise it, & nothing happens. The fifth year they water & fertilise it, & sometime during the course of the fifth year, in a period of approximately six weeks, the Chinese bamboo tree grows roughly 90 feet.
The question is, did it grow 90 feet in six weeks or did it grow 90 feet in five years? The obvious answer is that it grew 90 feet in five years, because had they not applied the water & fertiliser each year there would have been no Chinese bamboo tree.
All of us have had those "Chinese bamboo tree" experiences. We might have had a difficult assignment in geometry, physics, or chemistry. We worked & could not get the answer. We worked again & no answer; again we worked & still no answer. Finally, we go to the teacher & say with a big grin, "Teacher, I've figured it out! The book is wrong!" The teacher looks at us, smiles, & says, "Give it one more shot." This time when we go back, we come up with the answer. As a matter of fact, the answer, once we've found it, is so simple & obvious that we're astonished we did not discover it before. I might point out that we came up with the answer not because of our intellectual brilliance but because of our persistence.
Discipline first--enjoyment later. To raise positive kids I believe one of the most important lessons we can teach them is persistence. Many times our kids are simply going to have to stick it out. They have to get their homework assignment whether they are inclined to do so or not. They'll have to go to school whether they really are feeling on top or not.
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Charles W. Morton, an Atlantic Monthly editor, once told of the Harvard freshman who came to Dean Briggs' office to explain his tardiness in handing in an assignment. "I'm sorry, sir, but I was not feeling very well," he offered.
"Young man," Briggs said, "please bear in mind that by far the greater part of the world's work is carried on by people who are not feeling very well."
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Do it anyhow. Every successful man or woman I've ever known did many things when not feeling 100%. The interesting thing is that often when we start doing something we don't feel like doing, we end up feeling like doing it. The message is both simple & profound. Logic will not change an emotion (feeling), but action will. This is a valuable but difficult lesson to teach our kids, & it's one that requires loving persistence on our part.
The great inventor Charles Kettering observes that once you've failed, you should analyse the problem & discover why you failed. He believes each failure is one more step leading up to the cathedral of success. "The only time you don't want to fail is the last time you try," he says. When you do fail, you need to honestly face defeat. You never fake success. When you fail, don't waste that failure. Learn all you can from it, because every failing experience can teach you something, & in reality you haven't failed if it has. Above all things, you never use failure as an excuse for not trying again. After all, the first time your toddler falls, you certainly do not say, "You've had it! That's it! Keep your seat for the rest of your life."
Set the example, Parents. It's old, but true: Quitters never win, & winners never quit until the job is complete. Unfortunately kids don't come equipped with persistence. Many are naturally quitters. They'll tangle with something until they tire of it & then leave it. That's the way toddlers & young children are. However, when they're old enough to begin having responsibilities like putting away their toys, helping keep things straight in the house, taking out the trash, making their own beds, helping mom with the dishes, & doing the 101 different chores around the house, parents can begin building an attitude of persistence.
It's extremely beneficial when parents see to it that their kids do what they're supposed to do, when it needs to be done, & that the task is completed & done well. If kids get out of their responsibilities early in life, regardless of the reason, they will try to get out of them from then on. At this point parents are establishing a habit, & it's not a winning one.
Many years ago Calvin Coolidge said, "Nothing in the World can take the place of persistence. Talent will not. Nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not. Unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not. The World is full of educated derelicts."
REAL LOVE
Hugging & kissing. Probably the most misunderstood area for most parents, particularly fathers, centers on the amount of affection they should give their children. I cannot begin to tell you the number of men & women, 40, 50 & 60 years old, who have told me during the course of our "Born to Win" Seminars that they cannot ever remember their parents telling them they loved them & hugging or kissing them, even when they were children. Tragically this often means that these people are not showing love & affection with their own children & grandchildren, & this is a sad situation.
Fortunately the no-hugging chain can be broken. Although they were never hugged & kissed, many parents recognise the void it created in their own lives, & consequently, they've determined to break that chain. Slowly but surely many of them are now learning to show affection & appreciation for their children. It is something that certainly can be learned.
EPILOGUE
Many of you may wonder what our children think about what I have written. With that in mind, I asked them for suggestions & comments about the things we did that they felt were effective & those that they believed were ineffective.
We did some things wrong.
1. A no for no reason. The big winner for being most ineffective was our too-frequent tendency not to give them a reason when we gave them a no. On many occasions our answer was, "Because I said so." If we could do it over, that's one we would change.
2. Too few family outings. They expressed disappointment over the fact that we did not do more things together as a family. They specifically mentioned going on picnics, attending athletic events such as baseball or football games, or going camping.
3. Little follow-up punishment. Too often we did not follow up with some kind of punishment when they failed to do the few chores we had assigned them.
4. Too little responsibility. All of them pointed out they would have had more opportunities for growth & better preparation for life if they had been given more responsibilities around the house.
We did some things right. We were delighted that the list of things our kids felt we did right was substantially longer than the list they felt we "goofed" on.
1. Teaching the absolutes of right & wrong. For example, their mother would not lie for them if they didn't want to talk to someone who called or came by.
2. Not using improper language. They all felt that not being allowed to use, & not ever hearing us use, cop-out words like stupid, dumb, hate or yuk was important. Also they never heard us curse or use filthy language.
3. Teaching them courteous responses. Teaching them to respect their elders, including us, with courteous, "Yes, sir" or Yes, ma'am", answers, along with generous use of please & thank you, has been extremely helpful to them.
4. Insisting on personal responsibility. Our middle daughter, Cindy, was especially pleased that we made her feel responsible for always doing her homework & being on time--& that after the first year of college, she was permitted to make her own choice regarding the rest of her education.
5. Taking the time to listen. Daughter Suzanne especially appreciated the fact that we either had the time or took the time to talk when she needed or wanted to talk.
6. Showing no favouritism. Treating all of them equally, showing no favouritism, was high on their list.
7. Displaying love & affection openly. Easily the most important thing to them was the fact that we openly displayed our love & affection for each other & made them feel comfortable that mom & dad respected & loved each other.
Realistically, of all the things we did right, our total & unconditional love for them was most important. Love truly is the most powerful force for good & for raising positive kids on the face of this Earth!
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* Children are seldom resentful--which is a difference between them & adults. They hold grudges no better than a lap dog. What happens to them happens to them, like an illness, & if it is not too extravagantly unfair they forget about it. Parents learn that a child's angry glare or floods of tears after a punishment or scolding may leave the grownup feeling like a despotic brute, but that half an hour later, when adult feelings are still in tatters, the child is likely as not to come flying into the room, fling both arms about the grownup's neck & shout, "I love you!"--Phyllis McGinley
* Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, & brave enough to face himself when he is afraid; one who will be proud & unbending in honest defeat, & humble & gentle in victory.
Build me a son whose wishes will not take the place of deeds; a son who will know Thee--& that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge.
Lead him, I pray, not in the path of ease & comfort but under the stress & spur of difficulties & challenge. Here let him learn to stand up in the storm; here let him learn compassion for those who fail.
Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goal will be high, a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past.
And after all these things are his, add, I pray, enough sense of humour, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously. Give him humility, so that he may always remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, & the weakness of true strength.
Then I, his father, will dare to whisper, "I have not lived in vain."--General MacArthur.
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