GREAT SEX
--By Alexandra Penney

WHAT'S GREAT SEX?
         What is "Great Sex" & what's so great about it? Great sex takes place between men & women who are individuals & who are equals. It doesn't assume that the man--or woman--automatically takes the lead or has most of the responsibility.
         Great sex goes beyond mechanics & is involved with total pleasure--physically, emotionally, spiritually. Great sex takes us beyond the basics, without all the anxiety & fears of performance.
         Great sex always uses your most important sex organ--the brain. Great sex is between two people, not just two bodies. It's an understanding of the other person, it's sex with that most overused, least practiced word: Communication.
         Great sex is intense, passionate, magical. Great sex is, above all, sex-with-love-&-romance.
         A recent article in the New England Journal of Medicine described a study of one hundred "happily married couples" that found that 50% of the men & a whopping 77% of the women were having sex problems. Many other studies could be cited that show the same results.
         The number of men & women who say that their husbands/wives/lovers still don't know how to make love to them is astonishing. Even with the sophisticated information that's so readily available, romantic, wonderful sex is something many people have never experienced--though they are usually too embarrassed to admit it.

WHO'S SEXY NOW?
         "What makes a person sexy?" I began asking. "If someone acts as if she or he is attractive even though they're not, then people are attracted to that person. I've seen it happen over & over again," said the sexy editor in chief of a major women's magazine.
         "A woman who is not defensive about sex is truly sexy," said a New York lawyer in his office. "She lets you know she's interested & that she likes sex. She puts up no emotional or physical defenses or barriers."
         "I date a woman who is the office manager in a very busy firm," said a sandy-haired man as he repaired my word processor. "She would plan all day what to wear when I was going to her house for dinner. She would plan where to place the chairs, what kind of music I'd like. When she told me that she was thinking all these things, I'd get a great smile on my face. She doesn't have a particularly good figure, she isn't beautiful, & she's very short--but she really knows how to make someone feel good. That's what I think makes a sexy person--male or female."
         "There's a lot of different `sexies'," says the high-energy, dark-haired executive producer of a successful national television show geared for women. "But basically it means a person who knows who he or she is, someone who has a strong awareness of themselves & a confidence in what they're doing."
         This man's answer to the question "What makes a person sexy?" is one version of a response I heard over & over again--from both men & women. Here are other ways of putting it:
         Sexy is confident. Sexy is self-assured. Sexy means having faith in one's powers without being conceited or arrogant. Sexy means feeling good about yourself--body & soul.
         Nine out of every ten people I probed ultimately came up with some version of "confidence."
         "A man or woman who lets you know they're interested in sensuality is sexy. You can tell by the way they look at you--straight in the eye; by the way they touch you--lingeringly, but not a second too long; & sometimes by the way they dress. They let you know that sex is a priority with them, but always with great subtlety. If they were obvious, they wouldn't be sexy," comments a radio news reporter in Detroit.
         "Someone who's passionate is sexy," declares a writer from Hartford, Connecticut. "There is heat & intensity & curiosity in passion--any kind of passion. People are usually consistent in their personalities; a person who's passionate about ideas is usually wonderful in bed. I'm sick & tired of `cool.' A man or woman who's cool is probably going to be cool about everything--including sex."
         Passion--an intimate sexual abandon--says Dr. Otto Kernberg, the distinguished psychoanalyst, can provide "an internal wildness that preserves marriage."
         You may disagree with some or all of these opinions, but one area where there seems to be almost no disagreement involves attractiveness. Physical attractiveness, for the majority of men & women, is sexy. This doesn't mean having a beautiful face, perfectly formed breasts, gorgeously delineated muscles, or an adorable behind. It's obviously a plus if God gave you some specially delectable physical attributes, but very few of us are born totally beautiful. Having a cared-for body--meaning healthy & fit & well-groomed--is absolutely basic when it comes to being sexy.
         "Most of us can't compete with movie stars," says the secretary to a Manhattan attorney, "but when you take care of yourself & look your maximum, you feel good about yourself." And that's exactly the message I've been trying to get across--when you feel good/confident/attractive, you feel sexy, you transmit sexy.
         One of the most memorable comments that I heard on the subject of looking good came from a Parisian who works in a boutique on New York's fashionable 57th Street. "When I hear a woman lament about not being attractive enough, I tell her straightaway what Coco Chanel once said: `There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.'"

HOW TO BEAT SEXUAL GRIDLOCK
         Sometimes men want sex with love & sometimes they want to have pure physical sex. Often a man is himself unaware of this duality in his thinking.
         Making love involves caring, warmth, sensitivity, nurturing--& the physical acts of sex (which may or may not include intercourse). When you have made love there is an enveloping feeling of intimacy & love.
         A male graduate student in Columbia University said to me, "Just 'having sex' is a pleasant physical diversion." As other men I interviewed defined it, "having sex" can be a way to relieve physical/sexual tension or to work out emotions that can range from anger & frustration to sadness & grief. This kind of sex can be casual to the point of impersonal, & what your partner does or doesn't do is often irrelevant; it's usually a totally self-oriented activity.
         A woman who says "He just wants me for my body" may be right on target. He may simply want pure physical sex, no emotional strings attached. "When you're more involved with a man than he is with you, you want desperately to hear he cares," says a writer I know. "So sometimes he feels forced to say, `I love you.' You can sense the words sound hollow, but you want to believe him so you have sex with him & then feel used." What follows is, naturally, bewilderment & resentment.
         The Great Love/Sex Gridlock: The confusion of love & sex is the prime reason behind what I've called "sexual gridlock"--those constantly crossed wires that we encounter in our relationships with the opposite sex. There's no possibility of good sex--much less anything of a higher order--unless we begin to unblock the sexual logjam.
         The widespread feeling is still that it's unbecoming for a woman to be too sexually assertive. A frustrated friend of mine sums it up this way: "It's the old double-standard: Our society says that women are unfeminine if they express desire but men are not men if they don't."
         Research confirms this. Men & women are still strongly encouraged to pursue different sexual goals--the man initiating & the woman setting the limits. Further, if a man initiates too soon, he's coming on too strong, & if he waits too long, he's passive, unexciting.
         In a recent experiment on what men & women will/won't disclose, it was found that many women do not reveal their strengths & many men fear telling their weaknesses. The fact that women still hide their skills so they won't be threatening to men, & the fact that men are still fearful of exposing their vulnerability, goes a long way towards explaining why the traditional roles of the "strong, silent type" & the "sweet little woman" remain with us.
         Where does all this information lead us? Directly, I think, to mixed messages & mass confusion about what it means to be a man or woman today. And this kind of confusion drives us straight to sexual gridlock.
         Perhaps the most interesting--& important--research on differences between males & females has been done by psychologist Carole Gilligan at Harvard. Her findings, I think, point the way to understanding the basic causes of gridlock.
         Gilligan's observations clarify why a man may be thinking "Oh, wow! Hot sex!" when she's thinking "Oh, great! It's going to be love & intimacy!" or why a woman is thinking "Communication between us will solve the problem," when he's saying to himself, "Why can't she just leave me alone!"
         At the risk of vastly oversimplifying her exceptional insights, Gilligan says in brief that women are nurturers. We place a high value on relationships & are threatened by separation, while men need autonomy & are threatened by intimacy. Men, Gilligan points out, see danger in connection while women experience danger in separation. And this, I think, explains the underlying structure of sexual gridlock.
         Getting Out of Gridlock: Sex opens up the barricades, makes you more willing to work on the trouble spots in the relationship. In an interview, writer Marge Piercy sums up what many men & women feel: "When I have good sex with someone, I put up with more & am infinitely more motivated to work out problems. When someone withdraws sexually, then already part of the motivation for getting through the muck is diminished."
         If you keep in mind that men can truly fear intimacy (although they may want it badly) & that women need loving relationships, it is easier to see why he or she may be acting a certain way that up to now hasn't made a bit of sense to you.

THE HOTTEST SPOTS
         What Drives Women Crazy: "Touch is half of what sensational sex is all about. It drives me crazy when a man doesn't know how to touch different parts of me. It's the biggest physical turn-off I can think of," says a Connecticut real estate broker. And most women would agree with her.
         "Men that I love have an open hand," says a very attractive thirty-two-year-old day-care-center director. "They have a range of touch from very soft to very firm. There's no hesitation in the caress of a man who finds it a pleasure to be with a woman."
         Men seem to fall into five different categories when it comes to touch. Here are the types that cause the most discomfort.
         --The Grabber: He makes short, staccato, demanding movements instead of unhurried, sensuous skin contact. He needs to know that consistent, gentle touching & stroking will get him much further than a furtive grab or an overt lunge.
         --Straight-to-the-points: He zeros in on the breasts first & then follows a direct route to the clitoris. He seems to be unaware that delicious detours can be made on the way to his final destination. He also seems to be oblivious to the fact that he's touching a person, not a sex button. Much of the art of arousing a woman lies in knowing that her body can vibrate from slow, warm, even caresses.
         --Speed-O: This man is racing the clock to get the orgasm--his own. He pecks here, he rubs there--these speedy token touches & gestures quickly identify the graduate of the slam-bam-thank-you-ma'am school which should have folded years ago.
         --The Heavyweight: This fellow has a heavy hand & a mechanical touch. He needs to know that a light, feather touch is a good starting point; as a woman becomes more responsive the touch can become firmer--but never heavy.
         --He Who Hesitates: "You can tell immediately how much a man knows about women by the decisiveness of his hands. The fumbler is a common type. He's uncertain, hesitant, & I feel as if he doesn't know what he's doing--or, worse, that he doesn't want me," says an executive secretary from Scottsdale, Arizona.
         Be indirect: Men usually take the direct route to the genitals because that's the kind of touching they themselves prefer. Indirectness is a virtue when you are caressing a woman. Don't automatically head for the obvious--the breasts & genitals. Take the time to make a circuitous route--her lips, her ears, her chest, her back, then her breasts--respecting her wishes if she signals that she'd like you to stop or change course.
         Indirectness, as I have mentioned, is a virtue when you're touching a woman, & nonsexual touching--simple skin-on-skin without sexual overtones--can, paradoxically, often lead a woman to lovemaking. Here's how one woman describes the way warmth & affection affect her sexually: "I love a man who can take a strand of hair & tuck it behind my ear. I love it if a man holds my head in both his hands or kisses the side of my forehead or presses my cheek with his. I may not have sex on my mind, but if my lover is warm & affectionate I can get physically very turned on to sex."
         Don't do unto others: The old adage "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" does not always hold true sexually.
         Men's bodies & women's bodies don't necessarily respond to the same touches & techniques. Whereas women say they like a light touch, men are often in the opposite camp. They want a woman to hold them firmly, to touch them directly & without hesitation on the genitals. A man's musculature is different & responds to a firmer pressure.

ULTIMATE SEX
         One of the best ways to show how much you're enjoying your lover is to take your time in making love. There's almost nothing more unappealing than someone who's hurrying everything along.
         Perhaps the biggest secret to expert sex for both men & women is mental: Concentrate on pleasuring your lover. If you start thinking of the dishes in the kitchen sink, or the bills to be paid, your lover will sense it immediately & you will be cheating both of you out of something wonderful.

CAN WE TALK?
         "What's the most important thing you've learned from your research about sex?" This is one of the most frequent questions that I'm asked. Before all else, communication is the vital, critical, crucial, essential ingredient in sex. "Communication" is so wildly overused & overexplained that I'm sick of the word. But the fact remains that one of the greatest problems in most relationships is the inability of the partners to ask for what they want & need.
         A man from Fort Worth once told me, "If you have to talk about it, it's not good sex." The illogic behind this common but fossilized response is this: "If you love someone, sex will be fine; if someone really & truly loves you, he or she will know just what you want." The truth is that loving someone does not make you a mind reader!
         If you don't communicate about what feels good or bad, what you crave or what you can't stand, what turns you on or off, you're likely to run into problems. You're going to feel frustrated, anxious, angry & resentful--emotional time-bombs, surefire love-killers. Sex & marriage counselors are quick to point out that often simply talking about a problem can improve things very quickly. "When we discuss things that have been bothering us, we immediately become closer. It feels as if I've been caressed & stroked. And it makes me want to make love," says a woman who learned the value of consistent, open communication at a marriage-encounter weekend.
         The Risk/Reward Factor: Exactly why is it so difficult to discuss sex with your lover? Because you risk so much. You expose your deepest self in sex. In asking for a sexual favour, you risk ridicule, & most frightening, you risk rejection. But if you want a sexual relationship to work, you must take those risks. Amazingly, you'll find that, when you let your lover know what you need & want, your requests will probably be met. Warmth, understanding, love, intimacy--the long-term rewards of clear communication are well worth the chances you take.
         We've read enough in the last few years to know that men especially have difficulty in communicating feelings--that's a major cause of sexual gridlock. Even though much progress has been made in "opening men up," "strong-silent" conditioning can easily resurface in the sensitive area of sexuality. Thus, talking about sex or acknowledging that a problem might exist is for many men an admission of failure rather than the beginning of a resolution. The fact that things could be better indicate that he has failed as a lover, &, more deeply, failed as a man.
         Women, on the other hand, avoid talking about sex because they're afraid of "hurting a man's feelings." Another reason it's difficult for a woman to ask for what she wants sexually is that she's afraid a man will think she's too demanding, too aggressive. Many women whom I interviewed admitted that they would rather be sexually uncomfortable than risk the rejection they might face if they owned up to their sexual desires. "I masturbate just about every other day so I can have an orgasm. My husband just doesn't take the time I need. I've always praised his prowess as a lover. Am I going to do a turnaround now & tell him he's less than terrific? No way. I wouldn't want to risk my marriage," says one forthright woman who's settling for a lot less than she should.
         How-To: Start communicating as soon as possible. If you're at the beginning of a relationship, both of you should make it clear right from the start what turns you on, what thrills you, what makes you anxious or embarrassed. Keep in mind we have different ways of communicating. You may want to dump everything out & talk, talk, talk. Your lover may be less expressive. It takes time & sensitivity to work out a communication pattern that suits you both.
         First Step: Before you say one word to your lover, have a conversation with yourself. Be scrupulously honest or you won't be able to transmit your real feelings to someone else.
         Ask yourself: What do I really want? (more/less sex, more hugging, kissing, romance--whatever it is that you desire). Ask yourself: What am I not getting? Am I angry about it? Depressed, anxious, afraid? Ask yourself: Does he know what I want? Do I know what he really wants? Take stock of where you stand.
         Mixed Messages: When you're initiating a discussion about sex, therapists advise that you talk about yourself first. Tell your lover your own needs, wishes, limitations, hang-ups. Then ask him/her to tell you what he thinks about what you've said. The point is to have an exchange of information between the two of you that leads to a clearer understanding of what you both want.
         One of the easiest traps to fall into is the mixed message. Here are two of the most sexually common: "I'd love to make love but aren't you too tired?" "Do you think it's too late to make love?"
         In both instances the message is unclear & confusing. Does the person want to make love or not? Simply saying, "I'd like to make love tonight" or "It's too late tonight, let's try for tomorrow" carries no confusing, hidden emotional freight.
         Ask!: One autumn several years ago I spent a number of days freezing at 46 degrees without any heat in my so-called luxury apartment. Finally, when my son developed a bad cold, I stomped into the lobby & demanded to see the building superintendent. I don't like unpleasantness, & I'll do almost anything to avoid a confrontation, but by the time the superintendent came up from his desk in the basement I was in a rage.
         "Don't you know there's a law that says you have to put the heat on when it's below fifty degrees? Why don't you get the boiler fixed," I almost shouted.
         "There's nothing wrong with the boiler." "What about the law? Don't you know about the law?" He admitted to knowledge of the law. "Then why in the World isn't the heat on?" "Nobody asked me to put it on," he said.
         Two hundred people occupied the building. Many families, dozens of children. Not one person had asked. Everyone just assumed the boiler was broken & hadn't approached the superintendent.
         The moral of this tale is: Ask questions & don't assume anything. When it comes to sex, this axiom holds especially true.
         According to communications experts, most of us listen at about 25 percent efficiency. How many times have you heard, "He (or she) doesn't listen to me!" A good listener/lover does not assume that he knows what a person means, does not interrupt, avoids making judgements, is not defensive, does not jump to conclusions.
         In short, the idea is to transmit the feeling that you have something to learn from what the other person is saying. Your attitude is so important when you talk about sex. So many people tune out because they're afraid of hearing something that will upset them.
         I was discussing the difficulties of communication with an articulate, attractive, thirty-three-year-old Manhattan writer. "Did you ever," he said with a teasing smile, "suggest to your readers that they ask each other the questions you have just asked me? What's good sex? What's great sex? Everyone has different ideas on the subject, as you well know. It would be a terrific way to get a provocative conversation going & to compare what each partner thinks sex is all about. I'll bet there are people who have been married for years who don't know what their spouses think about sex."

How to Say No Without Hurt Feelings
         Saying no to sex can be a tricky issue for both of you because it's subject to all kinds of misinterpretations & hurt feelings if it's not handled sensitively & intelligently.
         Most people, as a matter of fact, don't say no. They use a variety of techniques to avoid the issue. Picking a fight is the most common. If you're irritated at your mate, there's little chance that he or she will want to make love. A second method is to pretend you're already asleep or that you don't recognise your lover's advances because you're too busy doing something important.
         Such evasive maneuvers don't work. They're a direct route to anger & resentment. The first rule of thumb to saying no is to tell the truth. You might try putting it this way: "I'm really tired, I've had an especially tough day." Or, simply, "I'm just not in the mood right now..." Showing sensitivity lies in adding "...but let's make a date to make love tomorrow night" (or tomorrow morning, or this weekend, etc.). It's hard to feel rejected if your partner is already setting a date for the "rain check".
         Perhaps the most direct & amusing way of saying no that I heard was from a woman whose husband had been under exceptional career stress. "I just can't do it tonight," he said to her when she started making love to him. "My penis is racked with tension!"

If Your Lover Is Going Too Fast
         When he goes too fast & speeds up lovemaking, it may be because he's afraid of losing his erection, &, if he's like most men, he would never want to admit it. The best way to handle this is to tell him frankly that you need more time to be aroused, & if he'd like to come, great, but you'd love some more stimulation afterward.

If You've Been Faking
         Of the women I've interviewed, approximately 60 percent admitted to faking orgasm some of the time. "In the great majority of cases where this happens," points out a marriage counselor, "it would be a dangerous mistake to just blurt out the truth to your husband. I would first advise some deep soul-searching. Why are you faking? Are you angry or depressed? Why do you want to create distance from your partner?"
         Men fake too. "I'm sometimes just too tired to go on," admits a man who is constantly under business pressure, "so I've faked a few times. My wife doesn't know--she's never said anything about it--so what's the difference?" The difference can develop into a nasty situation--faking on any level is the opposite of intimacy. Why not say, "I'd love to make love tonight but I'm beat"? Women don't expect men to be non-stop sex machines, & a man who honestly tells his lover he's tired or just not up to it at the moment is sowing the seeds for healthy intimacy.

If You'd Like Her to Make the First Move More Often
         Ask her how she feels about taking the initiative in lovemaking. She may be afraid you'll think she's being too aggressive. Tell her you'd enjoy a seductive, aggressive woman & you'd love her to make the first move.

If You're a Shy Woman & You'd Like to be More Active in Lovemaking
         If you've never been the initiator & you're worried that he'll think you're too aggressive or wonder where you got the idea, tell him what one wise woman I interviewed told her husband: "I read in a book that men like women who make the first moves some of the time." If he's like the majority of men, he'll be delighted.

THE GREAT FREQUENCY DEBATE
         A man's sexual flame burns hottest & brightest in his late teens & early twenties, so it's not surprising that the men who complain that their wives are not as interested in sex as they would like them to be tend to be in their twenties. If you marry in your early twenties, it's not unlikely to find that he may want sex once a day or even more, while she's perfectly satisfied with two or three times a week.
         A woman is at the height of sexual interest from her mid to late thirties through her early forties, so by that time the roles are likely to be reversed if she's married to a man close to her own age. She may be interested in sex three or four or even more times a week, & he's the one who's likely to plead the proverbial headache at bedtime.
         The importance you give to sex is critical to frequency. If you feel that sex is important to your relationship (& you'd be foolish if you thought it wasn't!), you're going to have more of it.
         Another primary factor in sex drive is your state of mind & the amount of stress you're under. If you're worrying about how your body looks, whether the mortgage payments will be made, why your child isn't doing well at school, you're certainly not going to be as interested as you would be with an uncluttered mind focused solely on pleasure.
         Is it possible to reconcile being on different sexual wavelengths? Yes, say therapists & marriage counselors. The best solution is negotiation & compromise. If he likes a quickie in the morning & she prefers long, leisurely lovemaking at night or on the weekends, one simple, easy resolution is to try taking turns. Another common stalemate is when he'd like to make love almost every day & she's interested only in once or twice a week. A "negotiated settlement" in this instance might involve "quality lovemaking" once or twice a week & pure physical quickie-sex to relieve tension &/or horniness the other times.

"I'm Just Not Interested In Sex Anymore..."
         It can happen to anyone at any time--you just aren't so turned on anymore. This is how one man describes the feeling: "My wife is in good shape, she goes to exercise classes, she has a great new job, she's an interesting person--but I'm just not interested. It's a kind of apathy & it's gone on for three months. I don't feel bored or depressed, but I don't feel like having sex & it frightens me." This forty-year-old man is suffering from what therapists call lack of desire.
         Both men & women can be hit by this sexual malaise. What causes someone to lose interest in sex? The first & most common reason for lack of interest in sex is hidden anger. You turn off simply because at some level, either very deep or near to the surface, you resent & feel angry at your mate.
         Depression, which is closely linked to anger, also reduces desire, as does guilt--both of which can be deep-rooted & may be difficult to recognise.
         Lack of sexual understanding is another culprit. I've questioned a woman who has turned off to sex. She is not being made love to in a way that she needs--meaning that her partner may not know how much romance, affection, touching, & time are central to a woman's sexual arousal. "Sex became such a letdown that I finally just tuned out," said one woman with tears in her eyes.
         What can be done about lack of sexual interest? Communication--& an awareness of physical needs & changes. Exchanging your feelings is an invaluable way to deal with the anger & depression that is usually at the root of lack of desire. Most negative feelings stem from feeling hurt, unloved, unrespected.
         Monotony, Monotony, Monotony: She tosses the strand of minted dental floss into the wicker wastebasket, brushes her teeth, & then very gently applies cream around her eyes.
         She has three beautiful nightgowns folded in her top drawer, one that she wore on her honeymoon & two that John has given her. She reaches for the white, extra-long T-shirt that she's taken to wearing to bed since Stacy was born. She keeps meaning to wear one of the slinky ones as a surprise to John, but somehow she's never gotten around to it.
         John is switching from channel to channel via the remote. "Nothing worth staying up for," he says as she tucks into bed with her books. He turns off the TV. She shuts her book, clicks off the light. They settle down. She arranges her body to fit into his. His arm is thrown over her shoulder.
         Two nights a week--unless work pressures are just too intense--& usually on Sunday morning while the kids are watching cartoons, John & Mary Beth make love. John comes first, & then Mary Beth. Sometimes she doesn't come, but neither one considers it a disaster. The whole business takes from eight to twelve minutes.
         Scenes like this, or variations thereof, are played out in bedrooms all across this country. Does sex that was once great--as Mary Beth & John say it was for them--have to degenerate into a monotonous, repetitious, predictable routine?
         "It's so easy to let just about anything come before sex--the kids, the dishes, calls to your mother, paying the bills. But if you don't put sex high on your list of priorities, you've going to end up with a low-quality relationship," comments an incredibly busy district attorney whose sixteen-year marriage is enviably intact. She literally blocks out prime time for sex on her calendar!
         Changing your "sexual plan" is another valuable suggestion from sex therapists--a good idea for Mary Beth & John. They make love twice a week in exactly the same manner: He initiates, she responds. He has an orgasm, then gives her one. They kiss & roll over to sleep.
         Most therapists would advise them to break out of their rut. Why not have her come first some of the time? Why not turn on the stereo, light some candles, try on a different nightgown, a different cologne, get into bed nude, try a new body lotion or massage oil, set out a glass of wine, a cup of hot chocolate to share after you make love? The idea is very simple: Change your established pattern of doing things.
         Doing the unexpected keeps romance alive & goes a long way in giving sex an edge. Small, thoughtful gifts--a book of love poems, a bottle of wine from the year you first met--are ways of saying, "I love you & want you."
         Going to new places is an old idea, but it's still one of the best ways to keep sex going strong. "People often protest that a hotel or motel costs too much," observes a pastoral counselor in Stamford, Connecticut, "but I'm convinced that a night in new surroundings is an inexpensive way to save a marriage."
         "I think one of the main reasons relationships fall apart sexually is that couples tend to spend less time with each other the longer they are together," says a contractor who has vowed to make his second marriage last forever. "When a couple is courting," he continues, "they make time for each other, no matter how busy they are. My wife & I make dates with each other. It worked before we were married & it works now. We have something to look forward to. We take turns making the arrangements & surprising each other."
         "I like perfume," says a woman who owns her own retailing business, "and I find that men like it too--especially when it's delivered in ways they don't expect. One night I put four different kinds of perfume on, each on a different part of my body. I told my lover to see if he could name the various fragrances. He told me he had some exotic travels that night!"