The Christian Digest 25: What Makes Your Teen Tick?
By William L. Coleman
(Minneapolis, Minn.: Bethany House Publishers, 1992)
William L. Coleman is the author of over 30 Bethany House books on a variety of topics. Combining his experience as a pastor, researcher, writer, and speaker, he is noted for his effective communication in the area of family relationships and practical spirituality. He has been married for over 30 years and is the father of three children.
Editor's note: Growing up can be tough, both for the one who's in that situation and for his or her parents. The following book condensation contains some helpful advice and good counsel, but it's not a set of hard-and-fast rules. We hope as you read it you'll be able to apply the principles rather than feeling bound to the specifics this author presents.
Not everything in this book summary applies to our Family lifestyle. There are portions of text which talk about dating and curfews, secular education and part-time jobs, which don't apply to many Family Homes. We've included them because the principles are good and sound, not because we're trying to help you set a curfew for your teenage son or daughter--nor so that your son or daughter, who'll probably also be eager to read this, can take something written herein as license for their own ends.
Please profit from this book condensation, but don't take anything in it as the law, unless it's the scriptural admonition to love your neighbor, your son or daughter--or father or mother, in the case of teens--as yourself, and to bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Introduction: Parenting and Insanity
What behavioral scientists and mental health experts have long known but have failed to tell us is that parenting teenagers is the number one cause of temporary insanity in the United States. While teenagers are going through rapid changes, their parents are spinning around, frantically trying to decide how to act and react.
It's tough to be a teenager. And it's almost as hard to be the parent of one. These are disruptive years, and we look for easy answers but we don't find many. The best we can do is gather information, put our best instincts to work, and ask God for enough patience to tame a tiger.
Teenagers are individuals as fascinating as any kaleidoscope, and yet as simple as smooth stones. God has placed them in our care for a few short years. So dive into the challenge with all the enthusiasm you can muster, and keep a tight grip on your sanity. You may need it along the way.
The Physical Explosion
Like many parents, I wasn't at all prepared for the onset of adolescence. I enjoyed our relationship with the children through grade school. But when our oldest child crossed the sound barrier into teendom, it was like a spaceship had torn through the living room. One day Mary was a pleasant, idealistic, cooperative little girl, and the next day she hissed and growled like a cornered bobcat.
My only regret is that I didn't see it coming. Bewildered and confused, I wondered what had happened to my little girl. Both Mary and I could have been saved a great deal of grief if someone had simply said, "Don't worry, Bill; it's normal." This chapter is addressed to every parent who needs to know "it's normal."
The physical and emotional changes that take place during the teen years are what we call adolescence. It is the long transition between childhood and adulthood. This change can begin as early as nine years of age and usually ends by the early twenties.
The Changes Are Unpredictable
The exact age at which each physical change will occur is hard to predict precisely. Some children develop slowly, others rapidly.
It is important for parents to be reassuring by reminding the young person that height, weight, foot size, breast size, ear size all grow unevenly, and most of us are later pleasantly surprised at our adult proportions.
Teenagers frequently worry over where they will fit in among their peers. Comparisons and criticisms are common with this age group. Many adolescents also worry that their physical changes, or lack of them, will determine their future acceptability.
As parents we can't totally eliminate these fears, but we can help. Praising people for their unique personality or emotional maturity, rather than physical characteristics, will help emphasize to your child what is really important.
The Puberty Change Table
Remember, these changes are what occur in most adolescents in the following general order, but because we are all unique individuals the timing and order may vary considerably.
Female:
growth of pubic hair
breast development
onset of menstrual period
development of hips and pelvis
vagina growth and secretion
height increase
sweat-gland development
Male:
growth of penis
growth of testicles
growth of facial hair
growth of pubic hair
sweat-gland development
height increase
deepening of voice
strength development
The two areas most adolescents are concerned about center on timing and size. They want to know when the changes will occur and what the final results will be. Comparisons become very important in a teenager's search for normalcy and peer acceptance.
Teenagers receive much of their security from their parents. When a parent is knowledgeable and relaxed during his or her child's puberty, the young person is more likely to be at ease. If a parent expresses anxiousness over the child's height, chubbiness, thinness, or extra hair, for example, the teenager tends to go into orbit, too.
One of the best gifts we can give to our teenagers is a role model of solid Christian values. We must communicate our conviction that no human being is more or less valuable because of size or appearance. This basic attitude of acceptance will provide a strong and lasting foundation on which our children can build their self-esteem. Give your teen confidence of his or her intrinsic value in the Lord.
The Ripple Effect
Puberty is not something that happens exclusively to young people--it is a change that affects the entire family. When eleven-year-old Angela begins menstruating, look for changes in eight-year-old Matthew and forty-year-old Dad. Try to be understanding and reassuring to everyone in the home. If Angela turns grumpy or irrational at times, her mood swings take a toll on Matthew. If she is suddenly snappy toward her parents, they may be tempted to react in a negative way. Angela is not an island. The entire family experiences repercussions.
Four Needs Never Change
When a young person says "You don't understand," adults may feel insulted. We think that going through the teen years is like riding a bike--regardless of how long it's been, once you get on, it all comes back.
The frustrated young person throws up his hands in despair because he can't seem to get through to his "aging" parents. He doesn't think they can possibly know what he is going through. In a sense he is right, because everyone's perspective varies. However, there are some constants that remain from generation to generation. Your teenager needs to know that his/her parents swam those same rapids, especially when it comes to seeking the answers to four of life's questions:
1. Who am I?
2. Does anyone love me?
3. Who is God?
4. Where do I fit in with my friends?
Who Am I?
We all did it. We stared in the mirror, fretting about our nose or facial structure; we combed our hair incessantly, and worried about our body.
As teenagers, our looks were especially important because they were clues to our identity. As younger children, we found much of our identity in our parents. We wanted to be close to them, please them, even mimic them. But the teenager finds his/her identity by separating from their parents.
When a teen is asking himself the question, "Who am I?" he means in comparison to his peers. When he asks himself, "Do I want to be like my parents?" his inward response is "Definitely not."
When my son, Jim, was nine I went with him to pick out a pair of glasses. I was impressed that he selected a pair of frames exactly like mine. But when Jim was fourteen, nothing about him resembled my choice in apparel.
For most teenagers this is the beginning of the big "rebellion" or separation, the search for independence. If they remain like their parents, they feel as if they are remaining like children--parroting what they see and hear. By pushing off from their parents they are simply seeking their own identity.
The average teen has a driving, natural need to become themselves--a unique individual. They don't want to be lost in their parents' world, and they aren't eager to have their parents trekking around in theirs. The search for who they are goes on throughout their teen years and often longer.
Does Anyone Love Me?
Teenagers aren't sure they are lovable. Lovableness is at the heart of the issue, and outward appearance is all-important in his or her mind.
Does anyone care what happens to a rapidly changing, stringy-haired, awkward adolescent?
This is part of the reason why teenagers push their parents away. The girl with facial blemishes believes she is ugly and highly undesirable. She insults her parents and tries to separate herself from them. By acting obnoxious she is really asking her parents if they love her. A teenage son may act repulsively to disgust his parents and chase them away. If his parents react negatively and reject him, his worst fear is confirmed--he is pond scum and even his parents agree.
If, however, parents show and maintain their love for their teens while they act unlovely, they are saying in effect that the teen has value. He is lovable. The teen pushed them away and they refused to leave.
When your teen pushes you away, he/she usually wants you to stay--at least be available. Later they will be grateful for the immovable parent.
Who Is God?
This may come as a shock to some, but teenagers tend not to be the raving pagans that many adults imagine. They may not know how to express their faith, and their beliefs may not be fully entrenched or maturely sorted out, but many teens long for a spiritual connection.
The most important piece of evidence is that more people accept Jesus while a teenager than at any other age. We could go so far as to say that teenagers are more interested in spiritual matters, on the average, than their adult counterparts. They may not be comfortable expressing their faith, but that doesn't mean it doesn't run deep.
With so many changes going on in their lives, young people long for something that is changeless. A solid rock. Their fear of being unacceptable makes them more receptive to the offer of unconditional love that is in Christ.
I know this was true for me. As a fifteen-year-old with almost no church background, I was astonished to hear about a love with no strings attached. To think that Jesus Christ would accept me as I was, love me, and forgive me was an amazing discovery.
Where Do I Fit in with My Friends?
Closely related to "Who am I?" and "Does anyone love me?" is the social need for friendship among peers. We are social creatures and our need to be connected to others is naturally strong.
As a teen loses his first identity with his parents, he looks for a new identity within his peer group. This drastic, lateral movement can be earthshaking for everyone.
What kind of choices in friends will they make? Who will they hang out with? What kind of influence will these friends have on them?
Developing Teen-Esteem
Caught in the void between childhood and adulthood, teenagers struggle with finding their identity in the world of young adults, and are often left with feelings of inadequacy. As grade-school children, they were intent on imitating and pleasing their parents, and feelings of acceptance and value were the rewards of their behavior. But when young teens throw off everything associated with childhood, they are left in a sort of behavioral gap, and their self-esteem tends to take a deep, fast dive.
This drastic decrease in feelings of worth and value accounts for many of the problems a young person faces. Their challenges are increasing daily while their confidence to handle those challenges is deflating like a punctured balloon.
The following are three major reasons why teen-esteem plummets:
1. Rapid Body Change.
Am I a child or an adult? Their body says they are neither. In the spring they are short; by next winter they are tall. The changes in their bodies come about at an uneven rate when compared to their peers, leaving young people feeling out of control and off balance.
2. Self-Consciousness.
Frequently, when discussions center on them, thirteen-, fourteen-, and fifteen-year-olds want to hide. Already feeling awkward and self-conscious, comments about how they have "grown" or are becoming "quite the young lady" (or young man) make young teens want to disappear. Because they reject much about themselves, they assume everyone else rejects them, too.
3. Peer Integration.
Mix the first two insecurities: a changing body and self-consciousness; then toss 100 teens together at school and the result is chaos. While their self-worth is running weak, they are expected to discover their identity and accomplish great feats during the next several years.
Who am I? Am I accepted? Am I an athlete? Am I a scholar? Am I an insider? An outsider? A rebel? A conformist?
The Dangers of Low Teen-Esteem
Picture yourself in a situation where your bills are rapidly increasing while your income is decreasing. You are expected to make ends meet when the odds are against you.
Teenagers face similar situations of stress. At a time when they may feel increasingly inadequate, they must meet the challenges of schoolwork, extracurricular activities (such as sports), peer pressure to conform, and parent pressure to excel.
The teen's ability to interact in a healthy manner with his peers is largely dependent upon his self-concept and capacity to maintain an individual identity. If a teen has plummeting self-esteem, he is apt to act less rationally. He either works too hard to fit into a certain group of friends or he drops out of the crowd and becomes a hostile loner.
A teen that is insecure may try to move into a particular peer group in a desperate attempt to feel accepted. In this quest he may resort to unreasonable extremes, such as buying clothes he can't afford; rebelling against his parents; abusing alcohol or drugs; compromising his beliefs and moral values.
Others, convinced they can't move into an established group, quit trying and drop out of the social scene. They may decide to become antisocial and resort to unacceptable behavior.
Both the social climber and the social drop-out suffer from the same problem. They aren't comfortable with their own image. They don't like the person in the mirror. If asked if they are happy with who they are, the answer would be a resounding no.
How Parents Can Help
Be forewarned: You may, as a parent, have done everything "right" in raising your child, and attempted to build confidence in your teen, but he or she still might struggle with low self-esteem. There are no secret formulas, no sure-fire ways to produce well-adjusted, confident young people. It is a very complex time of life. Strive to provide loving, positive reinforcement.
1. Work on Your Own Self-Esteem.
We need to be sure we have a healthy sense of self-worth. Jesus Christ gives us value. Our value isn't based on what others think of us, or on what we have been able to accomplish in life. If we feel confident of our value in Christ, we reflect that value to our children.
2. Reinforce Your Teen's Value.
Parental acceptance is important, even if your teen may give you the impression that it is not. Compliment your teenager honestly and often, and express your happiness in them as individuals. Don't let the home ever be a place of rejection--they get plenty of that other places. The family environment should be one of unconditional love and acceptance. Encourage! Ask God for extra grace to be a positive influence and encouragement to your teen.
3. Change Your Vocabulary.
To joke about the teen years or to speak disparagingly of teenagers is unacceptable, especially when speaking around young people. Don't make them feel any more odd than they already feel.
4. Give Your Teenagers Choices and Responsibilities.
Gradually shift the responsibility for your teens' making their own decisions and choices over a period of time. Give teens more and more areas where they can safely use their own judgment. For example: Let them take the car to get the oil changed; get estimates when they dent the bumper. You don't protect your teens by taking responsibility away from them. Assure them that you are confident of their ability to handle the additional load. And if they make a mistake, and they will, don't take back the responsibilities you've given. Make them accountable for their mistakes. Encourage them; support them; but don't bail them out.
Don't dump everything on them too quickly. Too much responsibility at once may drown what little self-esteem they have. Shift choices and responsibilities gradually, and keep in mind that your young adult should be making almost all his own choices by the time he is ready to leave home.
5. Don't Make the Family Teen-Centered.
By this we mean sacrificing or neglecting the needs of other family members in favor of the needs of the teenager, simply because they appear to be so outstanding. If this happens, the teen will have trouble learning to appreciate and respect others, creating a false sense of importance about themselves. If teenagers are made to feel that they are the center of the family universe, they are being set up for a collapse.
Help Your Teenager Cope with Frustration
What do adults generally do when life gets tough? We may eat more; watch more TV; drink more coffee. Some of us go shopping, do hobbies, take long drives, or soak in the tub. Hopefully, over the years we have learned to find ways to deal with our frustrations in socially acceptable fashions.
Despite our maturity and experience, however, some of us still turn to destructive patterns such as screaming, insulting, belittling, or other negative responses.
If adults are sometimes poor at coping, how can they expect their young people to do any better? We cannot expect a sixteen-year-old to handle all of his problems in a responsible, flawless manner. Let every parent say, "I know my teen will mess up because I am twenty-five years older and I still mess up!"
How Can Teenagers Cope?
When a young person deals with his frustrations, he will find some avenue of coping that will enable him to survive. Parents cannot force a teenager to choose a good method of coping. Neither can they be responsible for which outlets the teen selects. But parents can help by providing as many good and healthy outlets as possible.
Most outlets fall into one of these four categories:
1. Confronting the problem. (Study; direct the issue to the one in charge; work it out with friends, family, etc.)
2. Ignoring the problem. (Refuse to study; sulk; blame others; give up.)
3. Acting out frustrations. (Get into trouble with authorities; steal; drink; rebel against parents.)
4. Diverting energy. (Start a hobby, help a friend, take on a new responsibility.)
Many readers will recall having tried each of these tactics at different times. I can remember working hard and trying to cooperate with school authorities. I can also remember giving up, feeling lost, and barely passing some subjects.
When a teenager is frustrated, he may weigh the options and go for the outlet with which he feels comfortable, or he may just react out of habit. Sometimes a parent needs to show the teen that there are options--that he or she doesn't have to always respond in a negative manner.
How Can Parents Provide Influence and Help?
Ultimately a teenager must make his own choices. And sometimes the young person with every advantage will follow the wrong path. They come to decisions in ways that even they cannot always explain. Parents are not responsible for the teen's choices, but there are some things they can do that might help.
1. Be Big on Praise.
It's easier to cope if you feel that others believe in you. Teenagers receive no greater honor than to have their parents speak well of them. Many of us tell our friends that we are proud of our children, but we fail to tell the teen.
I know a man who is an engineer. In his home he has an impressive display of artwork that he has done himself. When asked why he didn't pursue a career as an artist, he said, "When I was fifteen, I showed a drawing of mine to my dad. He merely shrugged his shoulders and walked away. If he had simply told me I'd done a good job, I might have been a career artist today."
2. Suggest Options.
When young people don't know where to turn, they need to hear some ideas. They may not respond well to direct commands (most of us don't), but teens soften up when they hear there are choices.
3. Make Yourself Available.
Although many teenagers have trouble going to their parents for advice, most want to know that their parents are available if they need them. Availability means a parent is home a reasonable amount of time; has flexible hours and can stay up late with the teen if necessary; will cancel a night out in order to provide a listening ear; is willing to listen to plans and arguments he does not agree with.
Too many parents fantasize that they are approachable when in fact they are not. It costs something to be available, but its value is immeasurable.
4. Furnish a Set of Values.
A frustrated teen is often the one who didn't receive a set of workable values. We usually discuss the problems created by too many stringent rules, but the difficulties that arise from no boundaries can be even greater.
We are told to train up a child in the way he should go. Our failure to supply those guidelines leaves a young person powerless to cope with a threatening world. A rudderless youth will feel lost at sea.
Conversation Starters
How many of us have sat at the dinner table and tried to get a tongue-tied teenager to talk? As parents we try our best to be hip and tuned in to the young people's wavelength, but we barely get grunts and nods in return. We hear plenty of complaints about parents who don't talk, but what about the teenager who answers every question with a feeble "yeah," "nah," or an occasional two-syllable "maybe."
That's the way it was at our house anyway. Finally our daughter, Mary, decided to put an end to all this fruitless conversation. One evening she simply brought a book to the dinner table and escaped into the safe world of literature.
What's the problem? Why do most parents have trouble engaging their youth in good dialogue? Why are some parents more successful at it than others?
To find some answers I talked to teenagers about how to start a conversation.
Obstacles to Good Conversation
Brad said, "I'll never tell my parents about any real problems. If I say too much to them, they just take over and run everything. I'd rather keep it to myself."
1. We must relax our authority if we expect a teenager to confide in us.
One of our biggest problems as adults is that we only see ourselves as authority figures. We want our teenagers to open up to us and share their personal feelings; but if we don't approve of what they say, we put the heat on.
On the one hand we say "go ahead and talk," while with the other we make a fist in case they say what we don't want to hear. It's like a patrolman asking you if you were speeding. He doesn't want you to say you weren't.
Another obstacle is our seeming need to criticize. It has been said that the average conversation between an older teenager and his parents consists mostly of criticism. The teenagers I talked to agree that this is generally true.
2. Continuous criticism will kill conversation.
It makes sense. As parents we are frustrated because our teens won't talk to us. When we finally get into a conversation with them, we figure we had better correct a few things while we have their attention. Who knows when this opportunity may come again? So we throw in, "Is your bedroom clean?" and "Did you do your homework?"
3. Conversation takes time to cultivate, like a garden.
Parents are generally in a hurry. Consequently, they tend to want short, concise conversations, but expect them at the same time to be deep, revealing, and personal--almost an impossible combination. Statistics show that most fathers spend only three minutes a day talking to their children. Almost all the teenagers I spoke to said this is fairly accurate.
Instant rapport with anyone, no less our teenagers, is a pipe dream. We are looking for something like a microwave conversation. We want to punch up three minutes on the timer and start sharing with each other, expecting instant understanding and camaraderie.
It's hard to hold a meaningful conversation with someone we don't know. In the case of our teenagers, we have usually failed to learn their interests, their hobbies, their culture, their music, or other things that are important to them.
4. The gift of good conversation is the ability to listen.
Good talkers must first be good listeners. Parents need to convince their teenagers that they care about what they think. Any sign of impatience or superficial interest will shut the relationship down.
I can remember trying to engage our son, Jim, in conversation. Immediately when I was done talking I expected him to either reply, confess, or make an in-depth statement. When he didn't respond immediately, I began to bark at him.
Create the Atmosphere
A sophomore girl told me, "Conversation can't just begin at the supper table. Parents have to be close to us the rest of the time if they expect us to start talking at the table."
If there is friction between family members, there is little likelihood that healthy, spontaneous conversation will take place. Try to mend fences; get to know each other; develop trust. Teenagers need friendly parents.
Teenagers prefer informal settings for engaging in conversation with their parents. They don't like family conferences or twenty questions at the dinner table. A casual atmosphere is more natural and more comfortable for everyone. Standing around in the kitchen during meal preparation, for instance, got high marks by both males and females. It's a setting in which they don't feel trapped or on the spot. They can either change the topic or leave if they need to.
Don't subject your teen to anything that resembles a police interrogation. Not many of us would open up and take conversational risks in that kind of atmosphere. Although there may be times when interrogation is called for, don't expect much response. The minute they feel under the gun, teenagers reach into their bag of evasive skills and begin to dodge the questions they don't like.
Ask Broad Questions
When conversation becomes too pointed, young people tend to get uncomfortable. Suspicion gets the best of them and they wonder what their parents are digging for. A question like "How's school?" is wide open. It allows the teen to pick out a part of school life they enjoy and start talking about it. But when you ask "How's algebra?" you have narrowed the subject and, especially if your teen is having trouble with algebra, he is more likely to be irritated.
If we are intent on only bringing up unpleasant subjects, our discussions will be very minimal. Notice that questions about homework lead to one-word or short-sentence responses. They usually go like this:
"Got any homework?"
"Nope!"
"How can that be? You've got some really tough subjects."
"Did it in school."
With that the young person darts out of the room and is gone. What happened? The opening question was
1. Too narrow
2. Too unpleasant
3. Too interrogative
The teen has little motivation to continue this conversation. Almost no information is shared, no understandings are reached, and the parent is locked out.
A broad statement like "If you need any help with your homework, I'm available" can be an open, warm invitation for dialogue.
Conversation Openers
1. "How's it going?"
Broad, nonjudgmental, inviting. Allows the teen to talk about anything he wants to.
2. "Your hair looks nice." "I like the music you're playing." "Your room looks great."
Compliments make the teen feel good about him/herself.
3. "How's your hobby coming along?"
Know what your teen's interests are and ask about them.
4. ''What's happening with the basketball team?"
Show an interest in sports or activities that your teen is involved in at school.
5. "Anything new about that drug bust at school?"
Be broad. Show concern; don't ask for names, or sound like the police sent you.
6. "That new girl you brought over seems nice."
Ask about friends in an approving manner. Don't pry.
7. "How's school going?"
Your tone of voice is important. Ask follow-up questions only after the young person replies.
8. "That jacket looks really comfortable."
Ask about their clothes. Be accepting, nonjudgmental about their choice of apparel.
9. "What kind of music do you like best?"
Show an interest in music or other forms of entertainment they may be into at the moment.
10. "If you were the math teacher, would you give homework?"
Opinion questions are hard to turn down. They don't sound like quizzes. Teenagers are pleased when someone respects their views in an area where they have experience.
Can You Trust Your Teenager?
For many parents the subject of trust comes up when the teenager is standing at the door about ready to leave for the evening. She has her coat on and her ride is waiting outside. No curfew has been predetermined, and suddenly it becomes necessary to tell her what time she should be in.
Why are we surprised when our daughter says, "You don't trust me, do you?"
Leaving such instruction or information till the last possible moment puts you, the parent, in a kind of trap. You have to come up with a clever but accurate reply to the question of trust.
If you answer, "Of course I trust you," she may snap back, "Then why can't you trust me for an extra hour?"
On the other hand, if you say, "No, I don't trust you," she understandably replies, "Then what's the use of trying? My own mother doesn't have any faith in me."
It would be good if we didn't have to answer questions like that under volatile conditions. Ideally, curfews and other rules and guidelines should be discussed and determined before the last minute. Unfortunately, though, parents don't always have that luxury. Often it's necessary to have a quick, charming, reasonable answer--this instant.
Just in case you have a crisis situation tonight, let me suggest a few replies that may suit the situation. Tailor one or more response with your own words:
"Sometimes I trust you a great deal and other times I feel a little shaky."
"In a situation like the one you're getting into I wouldn't even trust myself."
"Not entirely. We need to sit down and talk about trust."
"Prove I can trust you by being in at the time I requested."
"Trust has nothing to do with it. Midnight is late enough under the circumstances."
"My trust in you is growing all the time. Be here!"
The Importance of Trust to a Teenager
When a teenager complains that no one trusts her, there is more behind that statement than the superficial. It is a vital issue.
Let's look at several reasons why the subject of trust comes up at all.
1. It's a smoke screen.
Teenagers are bright and resourceful. They know their parents will stumble over the answer. It is an easy trap and diverts the issue of when to be in.
2. They want their parents to be honest.
A teenager who is going out into a risky situation doesn't entirely trust himself. He knows it could be dangerous, but he doesn't want to admit that the circumstance may be too difficult for him to handle. He is looking for a parent to draw the line and say, "No, I don't trust anyone in that setting. You can't go."
They want their parents to supply the courage they are momentarily unable to supply for themselves. But if you do take a stand and tell your teen he can't go somewhere, don't expect to be thanked. The teen will no doubt still throw a fit. Although inwardly he may be relieved to be removed from the potentially harmful situation, he will not want to acknowledge that his parents are correct in denying him the opportunity.
3. They want to see signs of trust.
When a daughter asks, "Do you trust me?" she would like to hear, "Yes, most of the time, but not always." In that statement she hears that she is generally trustworthy. She hears encouragement, but not foolhardy release. She can then build on the affirmation that her parent trusts her.
If we say we don't trust them at all, we destroy their confidence; but if we say we trust them entirely, we place too much burden on their shoulders.
4. They want to see trust grow.
When a teenager feels as if he can never please his parents, he will become angry, frustrated, and develop a shaky sense of self-worth. If your teenager never gets into trouble, don't tell him every time he goes out not to get into trouble. What's the point of hassling the kid?
Biblical Guidelines
"He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much" (Luke 16:10).
Naturally the message applies to everyone--adults and teenagers alike. When a young person is faithful in taking care of small responsibilities, he may demand that he be trusted with larger decisions and responsibilities. He has a right to expect to be trusted with more when he has handled the smaller tasks well.
"Love believeth all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7).
Even after we have been fooled, tricked, let down, duped, hoodwinked, and bamboozled, parents must gather their courage and learn to trust again. Love demands that of us.
Don't be shocked when a teenager lets you down. The best of us do it to each other. At some point, we have all become disillusioned by the ones we love. The key, as parents, is to keep in mind the ultimate goal: building trust and responsibility within our teenagers.
Teen Tension
When we become parents we have our own set of agonies--keeping a good job, paying bills, maintaining our health, dealing with marital tension, and raising our children. We tend to forget what kind of pain teenagers face. We are tempted to minimize their problems. The adult world of troubles is so real that teen troubles seem small or insignificant.
In truth, young people have a multitude of tensions crowding in on them. If we are to understand them fully, we need to look beneath the surface and find out what it is that they are facing.
Austin is fourteen, a sophomore at Benson High. His world is expanding rapidly, requiring him to make some serious choices.
Austin wants to fit in but he isn't sure where. He doesn't like sports that much; his grades are slipping; he feels uncomfortable around girls; drinking and smoking pot sound intriguing but they frighten him; he thinks nicer clothes might help him fit in better.
In addition to his peer struggles, Austin's parents are getting along only part of the time. He has seen them argue before, but now they seem to be in serious trouble. The stability of their marriage worries him.
Austin's problems are average. Millions of teenagers face the same set of pressures daily. A multitude of others have to cope with far worse situations. They are called upon at a tender, vulnerable age to make major, often life-altering decisions, and they have few resources on which to draw.
Tension Isn't Just for Losers
Some imagine that tensions mount the most for those who are failing in school, or who have the least support at home. The fact is that many young people who appear to be well-adjusted at home and excelling in school may feel as much or more pressure as those around them.
In Los Angeles, a fifteen-year-old star Little League pitcher shot himself in the head. He was described as well-liked, successful in baseball, basketball, and soccer. One of his friends said he was "the last person" you would ever expect to take his own life.
A note he left expressed his love for his family, but also referred to his own ugliness, badness, and the burden of keeping up. Teenagers who aim for the top often suffer more than anyone.
What Are the Specific Tensions Teens Face?
Following are the major stressors:
1. Peer Stress
The real world of teenagers is their circle of peers. Their number one concern is where they fit among other teenagers and how they are accepted. As many teenagers told us, getting along with parents is optional, but fitting in with peers is essential.
2. Parent Tension
Teens want to please their parents, but not on parental terms. They would like their parents to be proud of what they do, but not if parents dictate what they should do.
Some parents demand too much and hassle their teens constantly. Teenagers find parents easier to disregard and resist than peers. They would rather battle a parent than a friend--parents have to accept them; friends don't.
3. Sports Pressure
Especially true of boys, the pressure to excel in sports is now affecting girls also. As sports become more competitive each year, participants feel the pressure mounting. They find a certain identity in athletics, and when some realize that they will never excel, the scars can last a lifetime.
4. Ethical Battles
A teenager's desire to keep moral values and Christian standards is a continuous struggle. Life is a jungle filled not only with choices but also with heavy temptations. The first dilemma is to decide what is right or wrong. The second problem is to choose whether to follow one's convictions or to go with the crowd.
5. Material Things
How important are brand-name tennis shoes? Designer jeans? It's cool to be different, but not too different. While most don't feel the need to be trendsetters, nerdish won't do either.
Teens admit that clothes do not make the person, but they do affect the image (both the image they reflect and their self-image).
6. Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Teens tend to connect their own value to their ability to get along with the opposite sex. Girls are concerned with whether or not they are asked out. Guys are worried about getting up enough nerve to ask a girl out.
7. Appearances
Every teenager argues with the mirror. Their features are changing and they are extremely anxious to know what the results will be. Each day they are checking for acne, pushing their ears back, and trying to train their hair. This is no small matter.
A teen girl is not usually comparing her appearance with her cousin, Tracy. No, she has a photo of a twenty-five-year-old model with expensive teeth, insured hair, and the latest high-tech cosmetics with which to compete. Almost every teenager will fall short of the standards they set for themselves.
8. Academics
Teens live in a complex society. Many have trouble deciding exactly how important grades are. With some groups of boys, high grades are a turnoff.
There are three sources of pressure to excel: personal goals, teachers, and parents. For some teens, the pressure comes from all three. When one or all of these sources tie the teenager's personal worth to their grades, serious problems result.
9. Mobility and Money
At sixteen the stressors often shift. The question of how much a teenager should or shouldn't work becomes a factor. Many teenagers get a job. These two factors, mobility and money, change the parent/teen relationship forever.
Of course these are not all of the stressors. There is hassle over television--what and how much to watch; music--which kind and how loud to listen; sibling rivalry, care of younger brothers and sisters; extracurricular activities, family outings, relative gatherings; curfews, and a host of others. Each individual will be affected differently by his/her own set of circumstances.
Stress in the teen years is nothing new. But most will admit that pressures on today's teens are somewhat multiplied and come in more varieties. The objects of temptation are marketed, electronic, more readily available, and pitched by professionals. While no teenager wants pity, we can respect the fact that their stressors are enormously powerful.
Tips for Parents
There is no quick fix to alleviate teen tension, but there are some guidelines that might be helpful.
* Teenagers are not children. They encounter real, strong, life-changing and life-threatening pressures.
* Take their stresses seriously. Don't shrug them off as something they will outgrow.
* Be ready to listen without criticism. At 2:00 A.M. they may need a parent's ears and understanding.
* Remove unnecessary pressure. Don't argue over their hairstyle, clothing, shoes, or earrings.
* Provide counter-pressure at the appropriate time. This can be an art. For example, if your sixteen-year-old is under pressure to drink, provide stronger pressure for him not to drink.
* Be willing to learn from your teenager. He knows more about his present situation than you do. Try to see it from his perspective.
* Admit when you are wrong.
* Allow your teenager the privilege of being right some of the time. He really is right some of the time.
* Share ideas with another parent to see how your approach sounds.
* Don't be afraid to draw a line; just be sure it is worth drawing.
Moody and Brooding
In the interest of family harmony, a father placed a mood chart inside the front door. When he arrived home he moved a pin on the chart to indicate his present feelings--he might be happy, grumpy, angry, tired, level-headed, or even generous. Before others approached him they would check the chart to make sure it was safe and timely.
If we were to set up a chart for teenagers, we might want to make it a wheel and install a needle instead of a pin. A young person upon entering the house could simply spin the needle and let it race over all kinds of emotions, landing wherever. The chart would be accurate no matter where the needle stopped. It's common for a teen's moods to change erratically from moment to moment.
A mother asked her teenaged daughter if she wanted pudding or cake for dessert. The daughter asked what kind of pudding. "Chocolate," the mother responded. The daughter objected, claiming her mother never made vanilla pudding. "I'll make vanilla next time," the mother obliged.
"Yeah, right," the daughter said sarcastically, "you only make what I want when I insist on it. Nobody knows or cares what I like around here."
The mother shook her head and thought, All this because I asked what she wanted for dessert?
Similar conversations could be recorded in homes across America: "Mother gets hit by teenage mood swing." It defies all logic, is totally out of proportion, and frequently is unpredictable. Nevertheless, it is real, and parents need to learn to make allowance for it.
Mood swings are not simply excuses to be rude. Teenagers are in the midst of physical, mental, and emotional changes over which they have little control. It's hard to remain on an even keel when the boat keeps rocking back and forth.
You can tell a young person to get ahold of himself, but often he doesn't know how to do that. He surprises himself with his reactions and feelings. He doesn't always know if he is acting in a mature or immature manner. He wants to be accepted, but he usually feels rejected. Turmoil is a good word for what is going on. If someone has trouble sorting out his thoughts and feelings, he is bound to be uncomfortable with himself, and people who are uncomfortable with themselves are usually awkward around others.
A Bundle of Contributors
Picture a washing machine with a window. Stuff the following components into the washer:
* a rapidly changing body
* a new thinking process
* shifting social patterns
* a developing sexual awareness
* pressure to conform
* pressure to excel
Now close the door and turn on the machine. What you have tumbling end over end and blending together is a teenager. No wonder they have mood swings.
When we talk about mood swings we aren't talking about bad behavior. All of us on the planet are responsible to deal with bad habits and behaviors that are socially unacceptable. We can only hope to help our teens cope with their mixed emotions and confused thoughts so that they do not express their frustrations in disastrous ways.
How Can a Parent Help?
Help is all we can do. If we could stop teen mood swings we would be candidates for the humanitarian award. At best we can mitigate its effects on everyone involved.
The most important key for parents is never to take away a teenager's choices when it comes to his own feelings. Statements like, "You'd better forgive her," or "Stop seeing him right now," or "You shouldn't feel that way," or "Stop being so moody," are nonproductive.
Better to contribute suggestions, and let the teen make the final decision: "Maybe you'd like to try this " or "Have you ever thought of ?"
Most of us are unlikely to express our true feelings to people who try to take over. We are looking for options and choices, not commands.
Center Stage
As a teenager, I clearly remember thinking that parents of small children must hope that their children would grow up to be like me. If that sounds terribly egotistical, it was. Years later I discovered that most of those parents barely knew I was alive. But teenagers typically see themselves as on center stage, everyone looking straight at them to see what they will do next. (Some of us carry that perception with us long after adolescence.)
"All the world is a stage" and teens see themselves as the leading actors. If they gain five pounds they believe everyone will not only notice the change but will talk about it. A "bad hair day" is a tragedy because they think everyone, from the principal to the school cook, is going to make fun of them. Because the teen believes he is under this much scrutiny, each day can be tension-packed.
Embarrassed by Parents
With this much pressure, teenagers can't afford to have an imperfect parent hanging around. In the fourth or fifth grade they thought their mother was beautiful. When they reached the eighth grade they wanted to hide her in the basement.
Parents are either too short, too fat, too bald, or too poorly dressed, and they drive an old, dull car. Occasionally, under guarded circumstances, they may exhibit moments of pride, like showing off Dad at a father-daughter banquet, for example. They also like to have one or two parents sit in the back of the auditorium during an awards ceremony.
It could be called the great Parent-Teen Square Dance. While the music is playing, a parent is never quite sure when to cut in and when to cut out. The tendency is for parents to take this exclusion personally. They think their teen doesn't like them. More than likely this is not true. Your teen likes you, he just doesn't know what to do with you. Because he can't control you--your hairstyle, the way you dress--or write a script for you to read at appropriate times, he is uncomfortable having his parent around, especially when peers are present.
Remember, the teenager is suffering more agony than his parents and he is twice as bewildered. Try not to lose your cool or collapse into self-pity while this transition is going on. There will come a time when your teen will appreciate you and exhibit pride in you. Be patient.
The Average Teen's Vantage Point
Naturally, not every teen is totally self-centered. But often teens are concerned with how events affect their own lives at the present.
If a teen's parents divorce, for instance, his first reaction may be one of self-pity. What a terrible time to get divorced! he thinks. Frequently a teen will jump right over his parents' problems, his grandparents' problems, and his siblings' problems. If a relative is gravely ill, the young person may be worried about how this will wreck his weekend.
You may be thinking, don't adults feel self-centered, too, even though they may not admit it? Don't some men get upset when family sickness forces them to cancel a golf date? What's the difference? The difference is that adults should have, and generally do have a more encompassing, caring, sacrificial attitude, just by reason of experience and maturity. Most teenagers are not yet capable of seeing beyond their own immediate needs.
A teenager often feels he is juggling all he can manage, and he can't afford to look at anyone else's needs. When an aunt gets sick, the young person may be afraid to drop everything and rush to her side. That's when he is likely to scream those familiar words: "Doesn't anybody care what happens to me?" As they mature, however, they are usually able to respond to the people they love.
Don't Be Surprised
If a teenager does respond sympathetically when a relative is critically ill, when Dad loses his job, or when parents are separated, be grateful. But don't be surprised if he reacts insensitively.
Neither should we be surprised if a teenager rejects help from his parent or any other adult. He may wish someone would lighten his load. He may also wish that someone would give him advice on how to handle all that he carries. But he is reluctant to accept help because of certain fears.
One fear is that an adult may not only give advice, but take away the act that is working for him. Teenagers have a gigantic fear that if they ask an adult for help the adult will take over. Remember, he is striving for independence, even though he is on shaky ground.
A second fear is that if they stop doing what they're doing to learn a better way, their act might fall apart. What they're doing is working for them, even if they are experiencing pain. They are afraid to let go.
Playing the Rebel
The role of the rebellious teenager isn't always fun because the act of breaking away can be painful. Rebelling means you climb walls, swim upstream, go against the grain, leap out of nests, disobey orders, and suffer the consequences.
Our daughter Mary told us that she used to drive around the country roads for forty-five minutes after her curfew just to rebel--even though she had no place to go, nothing to do, and was bored out of her mind.
Those are hard decisions to follow through on. It isn't easy to drop band class when you know your parents won't understand. You have to face them, explain why you did it (if you know why you did it), and listen to them make you feel like a loser. But you drop the class and take the heat.
And those are only mini-rebellions. Tiny uprisings. Small revolutions. Imagine the pain teenagers endure when they take gigantic leaps into independence, filled with painful, lasting consequences, and have to do major battle with their parents or other authority figures.
Definition of Teenage Rebellion Against Parents
When a parent has expectations for his teenager and that adolescent deviates from those expectations, the teenager is in an act of rebellion. The rebellion might be small (putting his feet on the coffee table) or it could be major (running away with a rock band), but either way it is a deviation from what his parents wanted or expected of him.
If a young person wears a ragged shirt and his parents don't care, that isn't rebellion. Long hair isn't a sign of rebellion unless it contradicts a parental standard. We may see teenagers with peculiar behavior, but that doesn't make them rebels. Rebels must be rebelling against a particular set of rules or expectations.
Some teens rebel against all authority, against God, or against society, but that isn't what we are talking about here. What we are specifically concerned with is the narrow definition of rebellion against parents.
Rebellion against parents is when a teenager deliberately crosses a line that has been drawn in the sand, even though he has been clearly told not to cross it. In some way, whether slyly, boldly, quietly, loudly, or underhandedly, he has knowingly crossed the line. That youth is in an act of rebellion.
Why Does a Teenager Rebel?
Let's look at some of the most frequent reasons for teen rebellion.
1. It's an identity thing
How will they find out who they are unless they break away from their parents? This simple need is enough to make most teenagers pull away from the harbor. It is natural, even in the best-behaved young person.
2. The rules are unreasonable.
Too many parents have rules covering every aspect of life. The parent believes in overbearing authority for authority's sake. They set up a battleground and dare the youth to fight.
3. There are no rules.
A lack of boundaries makes a teenager feel insecure. He wonders if anyone cares whether he succeeds or fails. It's harder to break rules if there are no rules. In order to rebel, this young person has to go to greater extremes.
He may play his music even louder, for instance; or more seriously, have a conflict with the law, use drugs or alcohol--all in a cry for some sort of control. He is rebelling against lawlessness. It is a call for walls that he thinks his parents should have provided.
4. They are mad at the world.
A "raw deal" teenager feels as though life has been unfair to him. He wishes he were better at sports or academics or better-looking or more popular. Unable or unwilling to deal with his problems, he becomes hostile. Frustrated, and suffering from a sense of low self-worth, he lashes out in rebellion. He wants to make noise, call attention to himself, and express his anger.
5. They resent their parents.
Frequently young people become angry at their parents for making them who they are. If they think they are poor or fat or slow or short, the teenager might hold the parent responsible.
6. They are avoiding the real problem.
Picture a teenager getting into trouble with the law because she can't deal with a more serious problem. Inside she is sure that her parents like her brother more than they like her. Unable to complain about that feeling, she shoplifts in the hope that someone will notice how much she hurts.
Imagine another teenager who gets drunk every weekend. He really wishes his father would change his working hours and be home more, but he doesn't feel free to express that. Consequently, he drinks, thinking that will get his father's attention and make him spend time with him. Both teenagers create more problems because they can't discuss the real problem.
7. Who in the world knows?
When it comes to teen rebellion, two and two don't have to add up to four. Ideal circumstances and good family upbringing that produce a well balanced teenager in one family will not necessarily create such a person in another.
Some teenagers reject good training and nurturing. Others twist every advantage into disadvantage. That's why parents sit and wring their hands trying to figure out what they did wrong to create such a rebellious teenager.
How to Help a Rebel
Rebel-healing is a tough art and not many of us do it well. But there are some guidelines that might make the rebellion less severe.
1. Reassess your rules.
Cut back on rules as the child grows older. Ask if you are trying to apply childhood rules to teenagers. Also ask if you are holding on to old rules that made sense thirty years ago but no longer have merit.
2. Reinforce the good rules.
Teenagers need someone to set boundaries and maintain them. It gives them a sense of security, even if they don't admit that. Stand your ground when necessary.
3. Don't take rebellion personally.
Parents tend to think disobedience is a personal attack on them. They can feel hurt, insulted, and defensive. Don't make it a battle of wills. If the rule is right, fight for the rule, not your hurt feelings.
4. Keep trying.
After you are disappointed a few times, you want to give up. Teenagers need parents who will struggle with them through some terrible conflicts. Parents who refuse to confront only encourage the rebellion. Hold the confrontation to important issues but don't be afraid to discuss problems.
5. Strive for gradual independence.
Teenagers need to receive their freedom step-by-step and year-by-year. Letting go is difficult, but it has to be done in a time-release fashion where the youth feels as if he is progressing and is rewarded for what he sees as a growing maturity.
Rebellion Is Common in Most Families
Christians often feel crushed when their teens rebel. We have high standards and high hopes for our children and later are dumbfounded when they don't turn out just as we had planned. Most families have at least one child who goes through a visible stage of rebellion. Even famous Christian leaders like William Carey, David Livingstone, Billy Sunday, and Billy Graham, to name a few, have had one or more rebellious children.
As painful as it is, we must raise our children to make their own decisions. And sometimes those decisions are not the same ones we would make.
The Rejection Cycle
When my son, Jim, was deep into a rebellious stage, our relationship degenerated into an ugly pattern. I couldn't figure out why, but I noticed that no matter how firmly I reacted, the situation only became worse. He would do the opposite of what I told him, and I became more and more upset with him. After going head to head, his obstinacy only intensified.
Frustrated, depressed, and eating a snack at 1:00 A.M., I suddenly recognized the pattern. Jim would rebel and I would reject him. He would intensify his rebellion and I would double my rejection. By the grace of God I saw that I was rejecting my son, and that is what multiplied the problem. If I was going to war against him, he saw no choice but to increase his war against me.
Finally it dawned on me that one of us had to act like an adult. Since he was not yet an adult, that left me. I decided to get off the rejection cycle.
Correct, Don't Reject
Parents don't have to hide in the corner, frightened to death of what their teenager might do next. We need to stand toe to toe and correct his behavior when necessary. But don't confuse correction with rejection.
Communicate these two facts:
1. You are in total disagreement with their present behavior.
2. You love them anyway.
These two messages are not exclusive. Teenagers can accept the first message and respect their parents, but if they are not reassured of their parents' unconditional love, the young person can become bitter and distance himself further from the family.
Acceptance Versus Rejection
In spite of our rebellion against Him, God refused to reject us. "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). We can't earn His love.
Most parents are able to accept their teenagers even under very stressful situations. Put the grace of God to work and be amazed at the strength that is available.
The Teen's Life Is Different
There has always been a cultural gap between teenagers and their parents. We all remember our own rebellious years, the disagreements over clothes and friends. The same arguments go on today, but there is much more involved and the risks are far greater.
Today's teenagers attend schools where there is the potential of meeting armed students, drug pushers, deadly disease, and readily available alcohol. They may come from a shattered home or live in neighborhoods that are volatile.
A big step toward understanding teenagers is to admit that their world is not exactly like ours was at their age. The surface problems may be similar, but they face deeper and more dangerous conflicts.
The Changes Are Rapid
In our day, change could be compared to watching an ocean liner coming from a distance and then pass slowly by. Today change is like the Concord. It comes out of nowhere and roars past at a shattering speed.
Researchers have suggested that in ten years our world has changed as much as it did in the previous seventy years. That same rate of change could be said of the teen world. If we are still using teenagers of the '70s and '80s as our model, we are playing record albums in the age of the compact disc.
In previous generations we tended to find security in school and family. We still had to face a changing body and a new identity, and occasionally we had problems in school or at home. But by and large we had a safer, more secure place in which to grow and change.
When the neighborhood bully chased us, we ran home for protection and comfort. We looked forward to school, where we could surround ourselves with friends. Today's teens often go home to an empty house, and the school is not always a safe haven.
The Pull to Grow Up Too Soon
It would be ideal if teenagers could take their time and adjust to life as it unfolds. Unfortunately, in today's world they are given little time to do this. They are often called on to make life-changing decisions as young as thirteen and fourteen.
Before they are old enough to drive a car they are faced with addictive substances and practices which they may not have the background and convictions to resist.
Add to these the more benign pressures of sports, girl/boy relationships, academic grades, and the search for independence, and you have an age group that faces more pressure than any other group in our society and the least amount of maturity by which to cope.
Today's teenager can get condoms at school, drugs [and guns] in the parking lot, a deadly sexually transmitted disease on the first date, beaten up for his jacket, addicted to alcohol at fifteen, an abortion at sixteen, and arrested as a minor for possession of drugs or alcohol.
They live in a different world, a new era, a time when more than ever the teenager needs a stable environment and all the help and support he can get.
What the Teen Needs from Parents
Unfortunately, a teenager's actions will often be in contradiction with their feelings. They will complain, protest, rebel, and even threaten the parents they greatly admire.
A parent said, "I wish I had known what was going on with our oldest girl. I would have interacted differently with her."
Their daughter, Melissa, began to lash out against her parents while in her early teens. She threw fits, was rude and thoughtless, and insisted her parents were completely ignorant.
"I was sure she hated us," her mother explained. "And we had always been close. Instead of understanding the changes going on, we began to act like a couple of juveniles ourselves, which only made the problem worse."
Life will go smoother if we can accept three facts:
1. The teenager cares a great deal about his parents.
2. He is going through so much turmoil it is hard for him to express his true feelings.
3. A teenager will usually survive the period of conflict and move into a new and better relationship with his parents.
If your child were arrested in a foreign country, you would diligently attempt to seek his release, hoping that eventually you would prevail. Picture the teen years as a kind of temporary prison. Support your child, stand by him, help him in any way you can through the trials he faces, knowing that one day he will be released from this phase of his life. Secretly your teen is hoping that you will not give up on him.
The first thing a teenager would like his parents to know is that he loves them. He can't always verbalize it, and is frequently poor at showing it, but the fact remains.
Every Teenager Wants a Parent They Can Depend On
A teenager, more than anyone, needs to know he can count on his parents to be honest, fair, and available. If a parent is consistently not around, the teen isn't going to feel that he can depend on that parent for help when he needs it.
Dependability usually means a parent in residence. One girl told me, "Most of the time my dad is a phone call away. If the car breaks down, if I get hurt, if I flunk algebra, I know he will be close. He may not be able to change the situation, but he will be available."
Teenagers Need Adequate Praise
It's a basic human need. We all need reassurance that we are worthwhile people. Teenagers need an extra strong dose of it.
Remember, teens are going through a massive identity crisis. As adults, we at least have some vague idea of who we are and how we function best in this crazy world, but the teenager is at loose ends. Emotions are on a seesaw, mood swings are the norm, and the same questions keep flashing in their brains like neon signs: Who am I? Does anyone love me? Where do I fit in?
Parents can help modify the teen's highs and lows with heavy doses of honest, appropriate, and timely praise.
It's hard to give our children something we never had. Many of us received little or no praise from our parents; consequently, we had poor role models to follow. That creates somewhat of a problem, but it is not insurmountable. Once we are aware of our weaknesses, we can begin to correct them.
Appreciation for the Teen's Individuality
Early grade-school children tend to be extremely compliant. One of their main goals is to get their parents' approval. When they play cars they often imitate their parents' driving style, behavior, and attitude. They might select shoes or gloves to look grown-up, and grown-up usually means emulating their parents.
During the teen years the emphasis shifts. In their goal to reach their own identity, teenagers begin to break from the family pack. They want to declare their individuality. Instead of complying with their parents, they will now comply with their peers. Teenagers interpret this process as becoming an individual.
At this point the teenager needs a reasonable amount of freedom to seek that identity. A wise parent does not cut the rope, but lengthens it considerably, keeping a comfortable grip at one end. Parents need to broaden their concepts of music, dress, and personal preferences.
The art is in knowing how to control the slack in the rope. Part of a fisherman's skill is his feel of the line and how he responds to its motion. Parents have to slacken and tighten the line in response to the need.
Creative Conflict and Confrontation
Teenagers expect reasonable conflict from their parents, and many realize that it is needed. They are not looking for drag-out fights, but neither do they want parents who are soft, letting them do whatever they want, without any concern for their well-being.
There is a time for testing the boundaries. Young people push and stretch them to see which ones are movable. A parent's role is to help the teen discover which are flexible and which are not.
A teenager needs and wants guidelines. But they also want parents who don't quibble over every detail. They want to be able to discuss with their parents things that are happening around them, like drinking, for instance. There shouldn't be any closed subject, if your teen wants to discuss it. The teen wants a confident parent who is not afraid to talk things over with them.
Of course there will be times when your teenager does not appreciate your guidelines and boundaries. Even if he knows they are reasonable, he may challenge them. He may be comparing your rules with those of his friends' parents, and you will need to give him some background and reasons behind your decisions. Keep in mind that some rules should be flexible, and even change with the teen's age and circumstances.
Your teens may even dislike you for a while, but don't take it personally. They might make fun of your clothes, your speech, your choice of recreation, your friends. But while they dislike you at times, they most likely love you.
Take most of their denunciations with a grain of salt. You are part of the world that they are temporarily at war with. Given time and experience they will eventually make peace with you. What they need now are solid, unshakable parents who refuse to let their teen's actions throw them permanently out of joint.
How to Argue with a Teenager
Most of us are not fond of arguing with our teenagers. It can be an ugly scene. Voices are raised; things are said that we wish we could retrieve; relationships become strained; and too frequently we end up losing the argument.
As distasteful as arguing is, the art of healthy discussion, even disagreement is vitally necessary. Parents and teens who never talk things over, never voice a disagreement, hold it all in and risk becoming bitter, resulting in no communication at all. The inability to discuss issues, even debate, makes us burrow into the ground and hide our feelings.
Teenage lawyers
Listen in as a father and daughter debate the Saturday night curfew.
"Be home by 12:00."
"Why?"
"Then I'll know you are safe."
"I'll be just as safe at 12:30."
"12:00 is plenty."
"Last weekend it was 12:30."
"You were at Sara's last weekend."
"So; I'm at Brenda's this weekend."
"Sara lives closer."
"Just ten minutes closer."
"Hey, be here."
"What if I call and tell you I'm okay?"
"You need to get up early Sunday."
"I promise to get up half an hour earlier Sundays."
"Then you'll be tired all day."
"I'll take a nap."
"You'll still be grouchy."
"Everyone else stays out later than I do."
"That's their business."
"They think I'm a baby."
"I don't care what they think."
"You don't understand me."
"I do too. I was a teenager once, you know."
"Things were different then. You had to milk cows."
"I did not."
"You walked two miles to school."
"Well, I did that."
"If you let me stay out later, I'll come in earlier next weekend."
"Well, okay. But just this once."
"Can I borrow five bucks?"
Debating with a teenager can be exhausting. They are smart, quick, great observers, have terrific memories (when they want to remember), and they gather techniques from their friends and siblings. Young people come to court with a well-stocked arsenal.
On the other hand, parents often arrive empty handed. They may even think an argument shouldn't happen because
* They think the teen should simply obey.
* They think there should be no negotiation.
* They are certain they know best.
* They refuse to be flexible as the youth grows older.
* They confuse the important with the peripheral.
Not all parents think this way, or are totally unprepared for confrontation. Some handle discussion or argument smoothly. But many of us learn the way it should have been done only after our teenagers have grown and left home.
Be firm when you need to be. If the situation should not be compromised, then don't compromise. Firmness at the right time provides security. Be willing to listen, but don't confuse the orange with the peel.
Let Your Teen Disagree
Lawyering is a basic need for teenagers. Be glad that they feel free to disagree and express it. The goal of parenting is not to say, "Our children agree with everything we say." If that's the case, then they have not yet blossomed to become themselves.
Spend some time debating your teenagers. Show them respect by taking the time and energy to enter into discussion of the things that are important to them. Blowing them off without a hearing is demeaning.
There are three general areas that youth are most likely to question:
1. Who says?
This is the battle over authority. They dislike having their parents tell them what to do, and they absolutely hate anyone else telling them. Adults don't like being told what to do either, but they learn to allow for it. It is part of functioning as adults in our society.
The authority issue makes it doubly difficult for stepparents. When a teenager is told what to do by a stepparent, he says to himself, You aren't my father. And sometimes he says it aloud.
However, it is crucial that young people understand that their parents are in a position of authority, and when necessary they will use that authority.
2. How far can I push the line?
If a parent says, "Be in early tonight," the teenager thinks, How late can I be out and still call it early? The parent may be thinking 10:00, and the teen is thinking 11:00. They want to see how far they can push it.
This is a question of boundaries. The parent sets them; the teen tests them. Parents need to decide ahead of time what the realistic boundaries will be, and then stick to them.
3. How can I be free to be me?
In no place is this more obvious than in the area of education. It is a continuous battleground because of the expectations of each. The teen wants to glide through school, doing average work. The parents badger him into excelling.
13 Tips for Arguing with Teenagers
1. Pick your place--a quiet atmosphere, preferably.
2. Choose your battles carefully. Don't argue for the sake of arguing.
3. Keep to the subject. Don't bring up past failures of two years ago.
4. Never degrade the teenager; simply seek to correct a wrong behavior.
5. Be firm but not rigid. If their idea is right and good, accept it as such.
6. Never get physical. This does not help discussion.
7. Be completely honest. Anything less will destroy trust.
8. Don't overload the discussion with too many subjects. Keep to the point.
9. Set a time limit, and continue the discussion later when you've reached it.
10. Negotiate. Be flexible. Accept their suggestions when they are valid.
11. Admit you are wrong, if you are.
12. Compliment, but don't flatter.
13. Pray for a good attitude before and during your discussion.
Remember, not everything is negotiable, but most things are debatable. If a teenager challenges a parent's decisions, that's wholesome. Be steadfast over what is vital, but still be willing to discuss the matter.
Bribes and Rewards
When we first became parents, I thought the idea of giving a child an award for good behavior was preposterous. Who ever concocted the notion that children should receive something just for being good? I can only speak for myself, but I believe that God converted my way of thinking. By His grace I soon learned how important rewards are for children.
Rewards are vital for everyone, in fact. A few years ago we talked to a thousand people about their marriages and found that payback is essential to a happy relationship. Spouses who didn't feel compensated for their efforts tended to sabotage their relationship. They felt sorry for themselves and backed off.
Our friends in business and industry say the same thing. A paycheck isn't enough. Incentive pay, educational programs, special recognition and other perks are all part of rewarding good work.
Rewarding Teens
If the concept of rewards for good behavior works well for others, why not use it for teenagers? Teenagers, almost more than anyone, need positive reinforcement. When they put in extra effort they like to know that someone notices and cares.
It isn't hard to identify the adults whose parents were stingy with rewards. Those adults seldom compliment anyone; their speech is highly negative. They specialize in finding fault, and find it difficult to offer encouragement. Their role models were stern and punitive. For most of us, it is extremely difficult to rise above our role models. The good news is that the grace of God can help us rise above them and exercise a generous spirit.
A daily goal should be to catch your teenager doing something good. It's a welcome emphasis. And when you do catch them in the act of good behavior, be sure to reward them.
How Many Rewards?
In his excellent book The Family, Dr. Paul Welter discusses the reward-punishment ratio. He suggests that we take stock of how often we encourage family members and how frequently we discourage them. Welter says he has seen parent/child relationships that run as high as 1 to 20 in favor of the negative.
Try to imagine an atmosphere where encouragement is that rare. Yet some teenagers live in homes where rewards are nonexistent.
Any raising of that ratio toward the positive is a step in the right direction for the healthy, well-rounded nurturing of a teenager. Many will have to work hard to increase the level, but the benefits will amaze you.
What Are the Good Rewards?
Trips to Mexico or skiing in the Alps aren't really necessary. The rewards or prizes that really matter are far simpler, and cheaper. Let's look at a few.
1. Body Language
When we interact with our teens, what does our body language say? Is our face screwed up? Does our brow furrow? Do we make fists without thinking, or sit cross-legged with our arms folded tightly against our chest?
Open, relaxed body language can be a gift. It tells our children that we are not locking them out. Our warm, empathetic expression says they are welcomed and loved. A hug or a hand on their shoulder won't cost a dime.
2. Voice and Tone
Too many of us have developed a permanent whine. We are constantly complaining about our teenagers' conduct and performance.
A cheerful voice, an approving tone will help them relax and become less defensive.
3. Events and Recreation
Keep the privileges coming their way. You aren't buying them off when you furnish them with some enjoyment and entertainment.
Create memorable experiences like fishing, bowling, traveling, sports games, shopping, crafts, or any other event that teenagers will go along with. Don't push them into doing these things, but find out what they enjoy and either provide the opportunity for them and their friends or make it a family outing. These are the benefits of a solid relationship.
4. Immediate Rewards
The prospect of a trip six months away has limited effect. Teenagers generally have short-term goals. Reinforcement that comes this weekend or this month is of greater value to him.
Kidnapped by Their Peers
Third and fourth graders tend to admire their parents. They go on trips together, spend Saturday afternoons fixing the lawnmower, go fishing, or bake cookies. Parents make children feel safe and loved and they like to be around them.
Then, one day, the parents notice that their child is missing. The boy or girl who used to be so near and so dependent seems to be around less and less.
It's almost as if the child has been kidnapped. He's turned thirteen and his new friends or peers have stolen him away and introduced him to another world. That new world has opportunities, experiences, and places to explore that parents could never provide.
Bonding with peers when you are a teenager is like being kidnapped, because you are forced to go whether you want to or not. Children leave the safe harbor of their childhood and test the seas with others their own age.
The average young teen is excited and fearful at the prospect. Growing up, making decisions, discovering a new level with friends, trying new lifestyles, all sound fascinating. But they also know they can get hurt in the new world. They go with their captors complete with a broad smile and a pounding heart.
What Peers Have to Offer
Friends are more than a luxury. As surely as they need iron in their blood, teenagers need peers to help stabilize them as they grow.
Children are limited in their mobility, their choices, their maturity. They collect most of their experiences and values from their parents and siblings. Teenagers learn to give and take in a greater way and there is much more at stake.
Many lessons or social norms that are learned by teenagers will help them all their lives. And some may even make breakthroughs and headway that we never dreamed possible in our day.
Going to Extremes
With so many adjustments to make, few young people are able to keep it all in balance all of the time. They may work too hard for acceptance or take rejection too seriously. Unable to fit into one group, they may choose friends who are troublesome. Anxious for love and acceptance, they may try alcohol or drugs.
Two-thirds of teenagers are unhappy with themselves, and are thus highly prone to need peer approval. Every day thousands of teenagers do something they really don't want to do, whether it be drinking, smoking, taking drugs, or having sex. But they feel trapped, as if they have no choice. They don't want to be left out. They don't want to be rejected. They are willing to pay a high price for acceptance. The pain of being alone or isolated is too great.
The real prize of life is not to have a host of friends, but to have a few valuable, dependable, steady ones. We must teach our young people that and hope that they come to the same conclusion.
Peer Isn't a Four-letter Word
Don't panic at the thought of your child having peers. Friends are also capable of good influence. Many a parent has sat back in their favorite chair and breathed a sigh of relief when their teenager walks out the door with a happy, wholesome companion.
If your teen brings home a friend that you can see is a positive influence for him or her, make that person feel especially welcome and hope the friendship lasts a long time.
Peers Are Small Groups
You could compare the support groups that many adults attend to the peer groups your teens involve themselves with. Many benefits and special bonding are found in small groups. Those feelings are similar to what teenagers experience with their friends. They are validated and empowered by relating one on one with others their own age, with similar problems and dreams.
If someone criticized the small group you were a part of, you would probably be offended and become defensive. You would feel hurt and likely draw closer to the members of the group. That gives you an idea why teenagers react strongly if we knock their friends. Those friends are very important to their self-esteem and growth as an individual.
What About Questionable Friends?
It happens too often. Your daughter shows up with a new friend. The girl is wearing a motorcycle jacket and has a tattoo on her left hand that says "Party all night."
What's a parent to do? Here are a few tips:
1. Stay calm. Don't say something you'll regret later.
2. Be humble. Your daughter may think this girl is great, or maybe she is trying to reach out to her. Don't make her choose between her friend and her parents.
3. Express your concerns. Privately, of course. Don't touch on the superficial, such as criticizing the girl's hairstyle or dress. Explain the one or two real problems you have with this person. Don't exaggerate. Give your daughter something to think about without bringing it up every waking hour.
4. Invite the friend in. If the new girl seems to be a regular with your daughter, ask your daughter to bring her into your home. The last thing you need is a hostile relationship with your teenager's peers. Besides, an accepting, caring adult may be just what the friend needs.
5. Offer alternatives. Make them available to your teenagers, but don't push.
6. Pray constantly. Pray for yourself. Ask God to make you loving, fair, and firm. We can't control others, but God will help us get a handle on ourselves. Pray for your child. And pray for your child's friends.
We can't choose our children's friends. We can only guide them in their choice by setting a good example and teaching them good values. Then we hope and pray that they will see which friends are really the best for them. Be supportive every chance you get.
Counseling Your Teenagers
You may be sitting in the living room late at night reading when suddenly you notice something move ever so slightly to your left. You look up to see your teenage daughter has quietly planted herself on the couch. Staring at her shoes she mumbles a barely audible, "Hi."
Considering the communication you two have had lately, your daughter is taking a big chance. She needs someone who will listen to her, someone to try a few ideas on, maybe even someone who will give her a little counseling. She doesn't normally go to her parents to discuss her personal problems, but she would like to try.
You're both a little nervous at this point, wondering who will speak first, how to connect. Does she really want to reach out this time? Do you have anything to say to her? Will it lead to misunderstanding and more tension?
This is not an unusual scenario. Most parents and their teenaged children will come together in a similar setting at some time or other. It may be after a date, or before a date; after an argument with a friend; or while considering a serious spiritual decision.
When a teenager has successfully cleared the hurdles and actually approaches a parent for counseling, whether he thinks of it as that or not, will the parent be prepared or be of help? Believe it or not, teenagers would like to make a positive connection with an adult from time to time.
There are certain guidelines or keys that make it more likely that your teen will seek you out and that the counseling given will prove helpful.
Keys for Parent Counselors
1. Work on the relationship. If there is friction or a great distance between you, the opportunity for counsel is less likely. Parental counseling begins in playing board games or doing something together. Work hard on getting to know your teens and liking them.
2. Maintain open settings. Biking, hiking, traveling; or shopping, baking, conversing in the kitchen, provide some of the best opportunities for counseling your teens. Talking to your son while watching TV together is less threatening than pulling the son into a closed room and saying, "We've got to talk." Teenagers don't like to feel trapped.
3. Be available. As we mentioned before, you can create an atmosphere for talking with your teens just by how you act around them and your tone of voice when you speak to them. Lighten up! Maintain your sense of humor. Remain calm and relaxed. Being available might mean some late hours. For some reason, teens like to talk between midnight and 2:00 A.M. Be patient.
4. Be an active listener. Three-fourths of the time a teen needs someone to listen. Don't talk too much or control the conversation. Contribute comments aimed at stimulating the conversation, but first and foremost be a listener.
5. Respect their privacy. Usually what your teen shares with you is spoken in confidence, even if it doesn't seem confidential to you.
6. Keep advice to a minimum. If you are asked advice on a subject, suggest a couple of options. Allow your teen to make his own choices. Don't decide everything for him. If there seems to be only one choice in a matter, ask him if he can think of others.
7. Raise questions. Open-ended, and sometimes direct questions help the teen to think something through. Stay clear of questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no. These tend to shut down the flow of conversation.
8. Stay calm. If your daughter says she wants to be a bartender when she is of age, don't hyperventilate. Keep your cool and say, "Why does this appeal to you?" She may be trying to shock you to see how you will respond, or there may be some underlying problem she is trying to deal with.
9. Share experiences. Teens need to see that you are human, that you went through what they are going through and you survived. Share your experiences, but don't turn it into a history of your life.
10. Don't take her choices personally. If a daughter is thinking about dating a drummer in a rock band, don't take that as a rejection of your values. If you act hurt, you cut off your chances for being objective. Concentrate on her decision-making process. You can get help later for your bruised ego.
11. Hold on the judgment. Instant judgment is one of the biggest obstacles to parent-counseling. If a daughter says bluntly, "Last week I had sex with Kevin," what are you likely to say or do in response? Try looking her in the eye and saying calmly, "Was that something you wanted to do? How do you feel about it now?" You have just opened the way for further conversation and counsel.
12. Negotiate. Whenever possible, make suggestions as to how you might or might not be able to help in a given situation. Keep an open mind to solutions that you might not have considered before. Guide them in solving problems themselves.
13. Suggest options. Options are extremely important. Suggest several, even if some of them are not likely to be used. Having limited courses to pursue can be devastating to a teenager. When they feel they have no place to turn, they tend to do nothing, or give up.
14. Tell them you'll pray. They need to be reminded of the power of God and assured of His working in the situation. They aren't alone in facing the problem.
All of us have gained wisdom from our own life experiences. Surely we would like to pass a fair amount of that wisdom on to the children we love. The trick is to find the right openings and pass the wisdom along carefully. Like a relay team passing a baton, it must be done at the correct time and handed off in a sure-handed manner.
Trouble with the Truth
"I can't work with a kid who will lie to me." The mother who said this was trying to block out her teenager's behavior, but at the same time was blocking him out. Lying was such a horrendous breach of trust to her that she couldn't deal with the other problems.
Most parents are shocked and perplexed when they discover that their teen is loose with the truth. They would far rather wrestle with broken curfews, shattered promises, failing grades, back-talk, or even drinking, than be directly lied to. It's almost as if the moral vase has been cracked and can never be mended.
In a perfect world no one would tell a lie. We are not in a perfect world, and our teenagers are not perfect. They will occasionally resort to a heavy distortion of the facts.
Why Does a Teenager Lie?
They are afraid of what the truth will do. The truth can be painful and have adverse consequences in the short run. If they say they haven't completed their homework they won't be able to go out. A "little" lie will allow them to go to the party; the truth may get them grounded.
Their attitude is adult-like. Given a certain set of circumstances many (if not most) adults would lie. While we are shocked that our children would lie to us, they are not so different from most parents.
They are under incredible pressure. Under more stress than they think they can handle, teens often feel the need to lie. If everyone's going to a party, they can't tell their friends (a) I'm going to stay home and do homework, (b) My parents have grounded me, (c) My mother needs me at home. In our dreams we may wish they would say that, but the odds aren't good.
They aren't sure they can trust their parents. If a parent responds unreasonably when his teen tells him something, the teenager begins to think his parent can't handle the truth. Then he blames the parent for the fact that he is spoon-feeding him half-truths, white lies, and outright whoppers.
It becomes a game. Some teens learn to enjoy the art of lying. Their attitude is, "They can't prove anything anyway." These young people lie even when there is no pressure to do so, and deception becomes a joke. They are in for real trouble later on.
What's a Parent to Do?
When a parent knows his teenager is lying, he needs to confront him. God gave parents the responsibility of establishing and reinforcing moral boundaries. Teens need a clear set of values, no gray areas.
But before you rush to your teenager and confront him with his error, there are some admonitions to keep in mind.
Know the facts. A lot of damage is done by false accusation. Children are in a tough position. They are not expected to defend themselves or "talk back." Too many parents think they "just know" when they don't.
Be humble. The minute we swing into a tirade about lying, the teenager may be saying to himself, I remember when you lied. And he could be perfectly correct. Try to see his perspective.
Be clear on the fact that lying is wrong. The Bible doesn't mince words about lying. Teenagers may be confused about the matter. They don't know many people who don't manipulate the truth.
Remember your own adolescence. Did you never lie to your parents? Did you never go someplace and tell your parents you didn't? Most teenagers are very much like ourselves.
We all wanted perfect children. That wasn't possible--look at their parents. We must first accept teenagers as they are--imperfect--and yet love them anyway.
An Unsteady Faith
A teenager has difficulty focusing on one project for very long, and will likely have trouble with personal discipline in the realm of spiritual things as well.
It is easy for adults to interpret a teen's fickleness as a lack of serious dedication. Today he does or says something that suggests a mature faith; tomorrow the principal calls, and he's in trouble. The sincerity of faith cannot always be measured by behavior.
I became a Christian while in high school and within a year I was president of the Bible Club. What I lacked in wisdom I more than made up for in enthusiasm. We had regular meetings, brought in speakers, led in prayer at assemblies, and generally made our presence known on campus.
While we were up-front about our faith, we also managed to be normal teenagers. We skipped classes, got sent to the principal's office, and engaged in outrageous pranks.
Eventually, we were confronted by the principal about the apparent inconsistency. He wondered why our participation in the Bible Club didn't produce in us better behavior. To which I replied, "I don't know."
Today, the answer seems obvious. Our deportment did not always match our profession of faith because (1) we were human, and (2) we were teenagers. Human behavior is not always consistent, and a teenager's faith does not necessarily influence every area of his life.
My pastor also had trouble with our uneven lifestyle. He seemed to think I should behave like a teenaged deacon.
Maturity must precede mature spirituality. When a young person becomes a Christian, he does not cease to be a teenager. The most spiritually minded young people can become involved in the most bizarre behavior.
To paraphrase Paul's passage in 1 Corinthians 13:11:
"When I was a teenager, I talked like a teenager, I thought like a teenager, I reasoned like a teenager. When I became a man, I put a teenager's ways behind me."
Don't discount a teenager's faith because he doesn't act like a saint.
Spiritual Transition
Expect your teenagers to challenge your personal faith and practices. It is an important step toward making their own spiritual commitment. It does not mean they are evil or godless. They may be simply looking for a faith in Christ that they can call their own.
Here are some things parents can do to help:
1. Keep your own spirituality fresh, strong, and warm.
2. Within the guidelines of Christianity, allow your teens to differentiate themselves from your religious practices.
3. Let your teenagers see your faith lived out daily in practical ways.
During their younger years, it was easier to tell your children what to believe in and how to practice it. Somewhere in the teen years those children will have to make their own personal decisions about what they believe in and how they express it.
The Need for Forgiveness
If ever there was a slate that needed to be wiped clean, it is the one on which is written the things said and done during the adolescent years; the things that have caused untold damage to both parents and children. Everyone makes mistakes, but we are talking about those words and actions that have never been forgiven and forgotten. If bitterness sets in and we carry grudges against our teenagers, we run the risk of marring our relationship with them for the rest of our lives.
One wise person said it this way: "We can either hold on to the grudge and lose the person, or hold on to the person and lose the grudge."
The choice is before us. Unfortunately, many parents allow self-pity to shackle them into resentment. Their teenager has hurt them deeply, and that hurt has turned into anger. Anger over a period of time degenerates into bitterness that can eat at the soul for a lifetime.
When sixteen-year-old Tanya became pregnant, her entire family went into shock and turmoil. There were raised voices and accusations. Many ugly things were said that family members may have regretted but did nothing to erase them. Those scenes were burned into their memories.
Five years later, everyone is on speaking terms, but if you are around them you can feel the tension. Tanya's father doesn't talk about the matter, hasn't said much about it for years. Her mother helps take care of Tanya's child while Tanya attends a trade school. Each person in the family performs his or her role in the drama and carries the hurt just below the surface.
Regardless of adjustments they have made, none of them has really forgiven Tanya, and she hasn't forgiven her family for how they treated her when she needed their support the most. Each feels betrayed, guilty, and resentful. Why can't they forgive?
For one thing, everyone is afraid to forgive. They have established a relationship centered on guilt and blame. It is difficult and painful, but familiar, almost comfortable. If they step out now, five years later, and forgive, they will be venturing into new, uncharted territory. That would involve a lot of risk, because they have forgotten how to forgive, accept, and love one another unconditionally. And if someone does say they are sorry, they may fear they will not be forgiven.
Forgiveness is at the heart of Christianity. The Lord has forgiven us, and this should enable us to forgive others. From the Sermon on the Mount through the Epistles of Paul, the message is the same. When we refuse to forgive, we limit what Jesus Christ can accomplish in our lives.
Accepting the Teenager, Imperfections and All
We don't expect our children to be perfect, or do we? When our child messes up, we are hurt by the shattered dream. What went wrong? What did we do wrong?
We are crushed by the broken promise, the betrayal of trust, the blow to our pride. "I knew he wasn't perfect, but why did he have to do that?"
Maybe in our heart of hearts we actually thought our kid might turn out to be perfect. Now the dream is destroyed and we have trouble accepting our teenager, imperfections and all.
The child of our flesh, raised in a Christian home, taught moral values and decency, has let us down. It still comes down to the fact that we must let go of the personal hurt and be willing to forgive and get on with what is truly important: loving the teenager for who he is, in spite of what he may have done.
Conclusion
Parents and their teenagers have much reason to hope. After you have walked together through some pretty heavy times, you will emerge one day as happy, grateful people who appreciate one another even more because you have gone through some difficulties.
You will discover that there simply aren't answers to everything. Magic formulas that work for one family do not work for another. There are no ABC's of raising teenagers.
It's all right not to have all the answers. Nobody does. When you've set the best example you can, your job is to love your teenager, support him, and forgive him.
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