JEALOUSY & VICTORY THROUGH UNITED PRAYER!--By Peter A.
Peter No.15
2/85
1. Dear Mama,
WELL, I GUESS THE FIRST PLACE I COULD START, IF I'M GOING TO TELL THE WHOLE STORY, is to just briefly give a rundown on how I fell in love with you & the change that it brought about in my life, so that I could then explain perhaps why I have been rather jealous. When I first came to work with you, for the first three years, I did of course love you, but not really with a personal love, I wouldn't say that I was in love with you. I loved you as my leader, as my shepherdess, as my boss, I enjoyed working with you & I learned a lot from you. During that time I fell quite deeply in love with Sara & we had a close personal relationship for about 1-&-1/2 years. In fact, I fell so in love that I very much got my eyes on her & her wants & wishes & her opinions & the way that she did things to the point that I know that I offended you & Dad. It was really a matter of disloyalty because I was being in a sense more loyal to Sara than I was to you & this was eventually hinted at by Dad & you. You never really condemned me about it or outright told me that I shouldn't be with Sara or in love with her, you just let me know that it was more important that I told you things instead of telling her. Oftentimes I would tell her when I was very sick or had problems, but I would not tell you about it, or I'd be going through certain things & I'd be sharing them with her but I didn't tell you.
2. EVENTUALLY, THE LORD & YOU TRIED TO SHOW ME THAT I NEEDED TO STOP THIS RELATIONSHIP with her, but in my own wilfulness & stubborness & pride I continued on until finally Dad made a few little comments which were like the Word that divided asunder soul & spirit. He never bawled me out, he never said much, just a few loving words & it really opened my eyes to how off the track I was regarding my relationship with you & Dad. Sara, too, at this time went through some major changes & then we both stopped spending so much time together, & although we are still very close friends & love one another very much, we stopped our personal in-love-type relationship. The fact of the matter was the Lord wanted me to be closer to you & Dad, & by not being so I was really being disloyal because my loyalties were not with you first & foremost like they should have been.
3. IT WAS ABOUT A YEAR LATER THAT WE WENT TO SOUTH AFRICA & it was during that time that I started to feel really lonely. I was living with Sue & had been for about a year-&-a-half & although we lived together & were good friends & loved one another, it wasn't really a relationship that was deeply & madly in love. I was very lonely & I had the desire to get closer to you & sometimes it used to really bother me that I'd worked for you for three years, & although you'd always been very sweet & very loving & very kind & we'd even had the opportunity to be together & love up a few times during this period, I didn't feel real close to you & I didn't feel that you cared very much for me. I knew you did as a shepherdess & I knew you cared for me as one of the members of the Home, & you were always very sweet & kind & loving & assuring & thankful for the work I did. You manifested nothing but kindness & love & mercy to me, but yet I felt like there was something personal that I wanted or felt that I needed to have with you & yet it wasn't there & it often discouraged me.
4. LORD FORGIVE ME, BUT I CAN REMEMBER THINKING THINGS LIKE, "Well, here I am, I work for her every day, I write letters for her, I take care of the business, I make the phone calls, I do run-around work, I do all of these things, but she doesn't seem to care about me personally. She only seems to care about if I'm doing my work." Of course, I realise now my attitude was not very good & actually you did care about me & you did manifest your care towards me, but at the time I was just going through it & was having real bouts of loneliness & bouts of discouragement & really feeling the need for love, & I'm afraid to admit that because of this I did murmur & complain about it sometimes. I didn't feel this way for the first three years, I was happy & content in my relationship with you & in serving you & doing the work; in fact, I felt very fulfilled. I only started to feel this way at this particular time.
5. THEN, TO TOP IT OFF, WE WENT DANCING & MET THOSE SOUTH AFRICAN FELLOWS WHO EVENTUALLY YOU & SUE FFED. I remember being really hurt & I thought, "Here I am, I do all this work, I do all these things & Mama doesn't even hardly give me the time of day." (Which of course wasn't true, you were very sweet to me but I'm trying to be honest as to what I was feeling inside.) "But then she just meets this fellow one night & the next night she goes to bed with him." I have to admit it really hurt me & I felt crushed in a way.
6. WELL, SOMEHOW YOU MUST HAVE GOTTEN THE MESSAGE because it wasn't but a few days later that I went downstairs to the downstairs apartment to make a phone call & you came down with me & you were wearing a beautiful white nightgown & we went out on the balcony & you kissed & cuddled me for a few minutes & left me totally bewildered, but very very touched, & very thankful. Then we moved to Portugal & it was there that Mordy & Angel came right before Christmas, & one day I had to go to town & when I came back Dad was with Angel & you were with Mordy. And again, I was so hurt & feeling again like I'm there every day working so hard etc. & I need love so much but Mama is not giving it to me & here Mordy comes & she goes right to bed with him. I realised later I was acting like the typical older brother, I had everything & here came sweet Mordy who worked so diligently & so hard & so faithfully & hardly ever got to see you & I was begrudging him time with you, which of course was absolutely terrible! I was feeling so sorry for myself that at the time I just really caved in.
7. IT WAS A SHORT TIME AFTER THAT TIME THAT I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO TELL YOU THAT I HAD FALLEN IN LOVE WITH YOU, because I had by this time realised I was being so jealous because I realised how much I needed you & I had fallen in love with you very deeply. You asked me when I fell in love with you & I thought back & realised that it was right at the end of our South African stay. You told me that right after the FFing was when the Lord had started to put a burden in your heart to really try to help me & get closer to me. TTL.
8. WELL, FROM THAT TIME ON I HAVE BEEN VERY DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH YOU & we've gone through a lot of lessons & trials & mistakes & failures & victories & battles won & many many experiences & lessons learned in three years since that time. I have to say that to me you've become my best friend, a lover, a mother, a wife, a girlfriend all mixed into one. I've opened my heart to you & have tried to be as honest as I can be. I've tried to tell you all the things I've gone through & my trials. I've told you things I've never told anyone else before. This love that I have for you has been really instrumental in changing my life in a very drastic way. I'd say that within the last three years I've grown more than I ever had before. I've matured more in spirit, I've learned more lessons, I've just really changed, greatly due to the love that the Lord has shown me through you & through working close to you & being able to partake of your spirit, your sample, your love & everything about you. In these last years we've really worked side-by-side in a lot of things & have gone through a lot of projects, all kinds of situations, have loved together, prayed together, talked together, cried together, & have done so much that it has really changed me. You've really been my closest & dearest friend, & to me the thought of not being with you or close to you is really unfathomable. I really need you!
9. SINCE I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH YOU I KNOW THAT I'VE HAD MY SHARE OF PROBLEMS, & one of them has been my jealousy, which I'd say is probably one of my biggest & foremost trials. I've always been a one-woman type man where I would be in love with someone or close to someone & that would be it. Actually the love that I fell in love with you with was much different & deeper than any of the other loves that I've ever known.
10. DURING THESE THREE YEARS THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES WHEN I HAVE REALLY BEEN EXTREMELY JEALOUS & the times I was the most jealous were when we had someone new come into the Home. When we had our first visitor, he was originally going to stay someplace else, but then at the last minute Dad decided to have him come stay at our Home. When I heard it at the dinner table in the restaurant that night my jaw almost hit the floor, & I immediately started having jealousy trials thinking that you were going to be with him & you were going to fall in love with him & he was going to take my place.
11. YOU TALKED TO ME ABOUT IT A NUMBER OF TIMES & all your talks made so much sense & were so true. You said we're not just a family, but we're also a kingdom & some day I'd be very happy that our visitor loves you & is willing to do anything for you because the time is going to come when we are going to need people like that--people that we know & love & trust & who trust us & who will really do the things we need them to do. You said you had to spend time with him to train him & to teach him so that he will be like us & one of us & will be able to stand strong, & the only way you could teach him & train him was if you spent time with him.
12. YOU WENT ON TO SAY THAT IT'S LIKE HAVING A NEW BABY IN THE HOME. The other children, especially at first, usually go through real trials about it because there is an intruder, someone new who takes the mother's time & who requires a lot of love & care & patience & attention which means that she has less time to give to the others. But that doesn't mean the mother loves the new baby more than she loves her other children, it's just that the new baby needs more care. You wrote me a note too once at that time & it said you'd been asking the Lord what to tell me & the Lord gave you a question, if a shepherd has a flock & he loves all of his sheep & there is a new lamb that comes into the flock, does the shepherd love the other sheep any less? No, he loves them just the same as he always loved them, he just expands his love to love the new one. You said it is like the Lord, we all can love the Lord, & just because your brother loves the Lord a lot & the Lord loves him a lot, it doesn't mean the Lord loves you any less.
13. ONE TIME I WAS SITTING AT MY DESK & I WAS SUCH A MESS. My heart was pounding & I just could hardly manage to stay in one piece because I felt like I was going to explode! I just didn't know what was the matter with me except that I was just totally jealous & totally not trusting the Lord & had just gone to pieces. You laid your hand on my heart & you started to pray for me & in praying for me you rebuked the Enemy & rebuked the jealousy & immediately the fears & the doubts just vanished. It was like a real exorcism for me in a way! It was like I was really oppressed with this horrible feeling of jealousy & your sweet prayer & your conviction & your faith & your laying of hands on me totally helped me right then! It just wiped it all away! I was in tears & I was so thankful for your help & your love. It really helped me & I feel at that time I started to gain some victories in that area of my life.
14. EACH TIME SOMEONE NEW CAME TO VISIT, YOU VERY LOVINGLY & PATIENTLY & KINDLY & SWEETLY WOULD EXPLAIN TO ME THE SAME THING AGAIN, that I didn't need to worry, that you loved me, that the time that you spent & the love you gave to others had nothing to do with me & had nothing to do with my relationship with you. Our relationship had not changed, your love for me had not changed, nothing had changed. It was your job, it was up to you, the Lord put them in that place & set it up in such a way that you needed to talk with them, you needed to spend that time with them & I just needed to realise that & have faith that you loved me even if you couldn't spend as much time with me as you had in the past.
15. WELL, THE LORD SOMEHOW GOT ME THROUGH ALL OF THESE THINGS, but He usually did it in such a way that situations changed--either we moved or the other person left or they went on to a bigger job & I remained. Once again I sort of had exclusive time with you, there was no one new & we would spend our time together on work & I monopolised that time & I had you to myself, so to speak. So my victories over my jealousy during this time were really not much of a victory because actually the victory for me was that the pressure was lifted because the situation changed. So the victories that I won weren't really victories, but rather an easing of the situation, an easing of the pain & the end result was that I had you all to myself again.
16. THEN WE HAD OUR PLANS FOR JUAN TO COME & we discussed & prayed about it a lot for a long time. I knew that the Lord was going to have His way & I'd had at least by this time learned to trust the Lord a little bit & not to get so worried & fearful as soon as I heard somebody might be coming. We had a number of talks together about it & in some ways I was really trying to trust the Lord about it & I knew you were going to have to be talking with him, but I hadn't come to grips with it until we were walking one day & you were saying how when Juan comes it is going to be pretty important that he gets close to you & that he really gets sold on your way of doing things & on your abilities & anointing as a leader. He was going to have to learn to be more loyal to you than he ever was to anyone else.
17. YOU STARTED TO SAY HOW MAYBE YOU WERE GOING TO HAVE TO SPEND A LOT OF TIME WITH HIM & go to bed with him & really get him to love you. Of course to me, this was like the ultimate in hard sayings, ha! I instantly started freaking out in spirit! We talked it out & you were very loving & understanding & kind & you tried to reassure me that I wasn't going to lose my place, that you still loved me but that this is something that may have to happen. On the other hand, you didn't know what the Lord was going to do, we just had to trust the Lord. You were going to have to follow the Lord's leading & that I just couldn't get in the way. You indicated that my jealousy had gotten in the way in the past with some of the others & that because of my jealous reactions & the way I was acting, you were hesitant to share more with people & give more to them. This really hit me because I knew deep down in my heart that it was absolutely true! I'd thought that before, but you'd never really said so or never manifested it in any way, but I knew in spirit that that was really the truth & what you were saying was confirming it. I saw that I had really caused you to hesitate in certain areas & this to me, I think, is one of the things that maybe in the hereafter I'm going to be very very sorry for. I got in your way & caused them to miss some of the blessing. They could have had much more of you had I been more willing, but I wasn't & I really apologise to them for that because I stole their blessings in a way. Lord forgive me.
18. YOU PRETTY MUCH LET ME KNOW THAT THIS TIME IT WAS NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO BE SO & that I was going to have to learn to accept these things & to take it. Now you said all of these things in a very loving, sweet, kind & understanding way, you didn't just come out & bluntly blast me away. In fact, you over the years have been very patient with me & my weaknesses in this area & you've shown me nothing but love & patience & quite frankly I think that's one of the reasons I am still here today & am gaining victories in this area, because you have shown me such mercy & such longsuffering.
19. FINALLY JUAN ARRIVED & ALL OF A SUDDEN IT CAME TO THE POINT WHERE WE REALISED HE WAS GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE PRETTY SOON because he had this business to take care of in Peru & we only had perhaps a few weeks to teach him everything that we wanted to teach him. Therefore you said that you were going to have to start spending a lot more time with him & talking to him & training him & teaching him & again I just fell to pieces.
20. THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN ONE SUNDAY, THE BEGINNING OF MY SEVENTH YEAR WITH YOU, my jealousy totally overtook me & I was in a terrible state. Again, my heart was pounding, I was just totally afraid & fearful & jealous. When the verse says, "It's the rage of man", it truly is! You talked to me & you again explained to me the reason why you had to be with him & you had to talk with him & you had to love him & he had to love you. Everything you were saying to me made perfect sense, if I had been in the Spirit, but I wasn't, it was too much for me to handle. It was almost time for Sunday Fellowship & you had to go back in the room to be with Dad & there I was a total wreck. I lay down on my bed & felt as if I'd lost everything, I had nothing but the Lord & I really then saw that I had to cry out with all of my heart & I just wept & wept, calling out to Jesus. It was so difficult, but He was right there & He showed me that He truly would never leave me nor forsake me. Though all else had seemed to have fallen to pieces He was right there upholding me & comforting me & helping me.
21. THEN CAME TIME FOR OUR SUNDAY FELLOWSHIP, I'd had a little time to rest & pray & had calmed down, TTL. I went down to lead the meeting & I shared the lesson that I was learning, that I really had a problem with my jealousy & I just can't continue on this way because I get to the point where I can hardly work, I can't get things done, I'm nervous & I'm constantly thinking about it & I'm just getting stomped on by the Devil & I needed help. I asked the Family to lay hands on me & pray for me because I had been trying to get the victory over this for years & I didn't have the victory & I wasn't getting the victory & I really wanted it desperately. God bless our precious Home, they laid their hands on me in real faith & prayed. Four different people, including Juan, prayed for me & the Lord gave some beautiful inspiring verses which were very encouraging & really helpful.
22. EVEN SINCE MY PRAYER I'VE REALLY GONE THROUGH IT A LOT. But somehow, it's like there's extra added protection. The Lord has pulled me a little closer, so that even though it is very hard for me & I'm really trying to overcome it & although I still have a lot of trials & battles & hardships over it, there is just something different. It's like the Lord has His hand more on me & it hasn't overtaken me quite as much as it had before. That has been a blessing! But I have to say & admit that I wouldn't consider that I have total victory, but I do believe with all my heart that the Lord is going to pull me through this & give me real greater victories in this area of my life.
23. OK, SO MUCH FOR THE HISTORY & NOW I WANT TO TRY TO SHARE SOME THINGS THAT MAYBE WILL BE HELPFUL TO OTHERS WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED THE SAME THING. There are lots of Family members who have obviously had problems with jealousy. There are so many threesomes & foursomes that do have problems, & I guess by sharing some of these things it could possibly be a help to somebody.
24. I THINK THE LESSON IS THAT IT'S VERY IMPORTANT HOW THESE AFFAIRS OF THE HEART ARE HANDLED. If handled wrongly they can do severe damage, whereas if handled properly, the situation can be eased somewhat & things can go a lot more easily. I know I've told you before & you understand & you know that it's a tender spot. You've really gone to the nth degree to help me, to make it as easy as possible, yet without your having to miss the Lord & miss the job that you are supposed to do. But I think that had you not been handling me & the situation as lovingly & as kindly as you have been, to tell you the truth I would be totally in pieces right now & I'd be having much greater battles & many more defeats. In other words, you haven't isolated me, you haven't left me out, you've included me & that really makes the difference.
25. YOU'VE TAKEN THE TIME TO EXPLAIN THE SITUATION TO ME & you've covered my problem, you've been very sweet & understanding. You've never really gotten upset at me or condemned me for having these problems. You never told me, "Oh, you're just full of the Devil, you have a jealousy demon" or anything along that line. You've been nothing but patient & helpful, you've wanted me to get the victory & you haven't lost faith in me & the Lord's ability to do it & to answer the prayers of others, myself & your prayers too.
26. YOU'VE BEEN VERY PATIENT & VERY LOVING & VERY KIND, & that, as a starter, has really helped me on the path to recovery. The second thing that has been a tremendous help to me is that since the prayer Sunday for me, my outlook on the situation has changed, I think the Lord finally got through to my heart & my soul & my spirit as to the way I should be & the attitude I should have. Until this time my attitude was more like, "Well, Lord, OK, I'm going through these trials. Now deliver me through the trial, help me get the victory by changing the situation." Well, that's a completely wrong attitude. It's like I haven't had an attitude of willingness & yieldedness. Instead I've just been fighting the Lord, fighting against it, not really wanting the victory in my heart. It's like until this time I haven't wanted to change, what I've wanted was for the situation to change, so I could keep on in my selfishness & I could keep on in having you to myself instead of laying down my own will & saying, not my will but Thine be done.
27. IT'S LIKE THE QUOTE SAYS, "IF YOU WANT TO KNOW GOD'S WILL, JUST SAY 'I WILL' TO GOD." Well, that's one thing that the Lord has at least brought home to me since that prayer, that if I really want a victory, if I really want to change, then it is me that has to do the changing, it is my attitudes that have to change. I need to want to have the victory. I need to want to be able to share you with others, Mama, without feeling bad about it. I need to want to be able to share this Love with others & not just want it for myself. In other words, my whole way of thinking on the subject has to change & until it does I'll never get the victory. But for me, it is at least a tremendous step to see that this is the way it is. I have to decide not, "Well, Lord, I just want to overcome this jealousy trial," but that I have to want to have a change in my life, of my spirit, of my heart. I've got to want to learn to be more giving, & in doing so, then I can have a victory, because the Lord can change my heart.
28. YOU SAID, "WELL, YOU JUST NEED TO LEARN THAT THIS IS THE WAY OUR LIFE IS, you don't need to fear that it's going to happen again, it is going to happen again & therefore you need to have a victory, not just over the situation this one particular time, but to get a victory in your life that will help you overcome all of these types of situations, every time it comes up." And when you said that to me it really was like a key to show me that I had to have this change of heart & attitude & spirit, & not just a little one-time victory, but a real overall victory. That's what I'm really praying for, that the Lord will help me. I really want with all my heart to have such a victory & I believe that because we've prayed & because He is working on me, I believe He is going to "perfect that which concerneth me" like He promises. TTL!
29. ANOTHER THING THAT REALLY HELPS IS THAT YOU DO TALK TO ME ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE SHARING WITH JUAN & what you're talking to him about, so that I feel like a part & I don't feel left out. I don't feel like you aren't interested in keeping me informed, but it's more like a team effort in a way. You come & you talk to me about various things & you also tell me things that you think I should talk to him about. That too makes me less fearful. I don't know, I think in time, after I get a little bit more assurance or a self-assurance & faith & I see that you aren't going to stop loving me, that then I hopefully won't require all of this extra attention that you're bestowing on me now, to make it easy for me to be good. I think in time I'll get more used to the situation & D.V. things won't bother me & I'll be able to accept it.
30. IT IS LIKE BUILDING THE FOUNDATION RIGHT NOW.--If the foundation is strong & right, then the building can stand, but if the foundation isn't strong the building will crumble, & right now it is at the foundation-building stage. You're having to lay the groundwork, you're having to assure me & let me know that your love for me is firm ground & I don't need to get shaken by things. Laying a foundation isn't that easy & it is one of the hardest parts of building a building, like Dad says, & it is the most important part of building a building.
31. IN THIS CASE I'D SAY THIS FOUNDATION IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT PARTS OF BUILDING THIS RELATIONSHIP, because if you were blowing me away & just telling me to get the victory or get out & what's the matter with you, you're just a jealous slob & you just need to pray & get the vic, well, then I would lose faith & trust, & the foundation of the whole thing would be very weak. You haven't had harsh words towards me even though I know I've been naughty & I've said some ugly things to you which I greatly regret, but yet you say you don't even remember them & that you know that I didn't mean them anyway. You have such love & understanding & that is helping me make it & it is like it is building a strong foundation.
32. BECAUSE I STILL HAVE THAT FEAR OF BEING SO DEEPLY HURT like I was before in my first marriage, when Damaris fell in love with her fish, this time that you're taking to be patient with me & to ease me along & make it easy for me to be good is also helping to give me faith for the situation. It's like if you hurt yourself or you cut yourself very deeply, eventually it heals & there is a scar. The scar is strong & all, but if you ever bang that real hard again it really can hurt, or if you ever cut it again on the same scar it is very painful. Like I said, it is a fear that I have that I may re-open that wound & I don't want to have to go through that, if possible. But you are being very careful not to hurt me. It doesn't mean that you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing & you're still spending time with Juan & you're teaching him & training him & everything, yet you're doing it in such a way that you are showing lots of concern for me too, which shows me that you really love me & care for me. You've gone out of your way to build up faith & trust & confidence in your love.
33. I'M LEARNING THAT I SHOULD JUST BE HAPPY & CONTENT THAT YOU LOVE ME & that your love for Juan hasn't diminished your love for me in any way. Like with the Lord's Love, it doesn't matter if He loves someone else more than me, He loves me & that's enough!--All I should care about is the fact that He does love me. Of course, on the other hand, how can we tell how much the Lord loves someone & how do you know if the Lord loves you more or less than others? If two people love the Lord with all their hearts & they're serving the Lord 100% & are totally submitted to Him, then how can you tell who He loves more or who He loves less?
34. THE WHOLE POINT IS THAT IN A RELATIONSHIP LIKE A THREESOME, THE AMOUNT OF LOVE ONE HAS FOR ANOTHER SHOULDN'T REALLY MATTER. If you're getting the love you need & the other people are getting the love they need, then what difference does it make to know the exact measure of it? Actually, in a genuine threesome relationship it seems that as the people involved give the relationship everything they've got, then the love among them should grow & it shouldn't be terribly lopsided. One mate shouldn't love another mate so much more than she loves the third mate. It's supposed to be a marriage, a union, a unit of all three together that is united & functioning together & everybody should be loved more or less equally. Of course, it might take a little time to grow into it, but after awhile everybody should be getting enough love from the relationship. No one should be left out & no one should be obviously loved more or less than the other one, although maybe with different types of love. Otherwise, if it is all lopsided, then it's not really a marriage or a union. So the ideal in a threesome situation is that everyone gets out of the relationship the love that they need, & if they do then it is truly a real united marriage.
35. SO RELATING BACK TO MY SITUATION, I REALISE THAT ALL OF THIS IS THE IDEAL & all of this is the way it should be & I shouldn't be worrying or even trying to in any way measure the amount of love that you have for me & the amount of love you have for Juan, because that is totally irrelevant. And like you said, it shouldn't matter whether you love me the most or not, because why can't you love someone else just as much & still not take away from the love that you have for me? Even if you should love someone else more than you love me, but you love me the same as you've always loved me, then why should it really matter? I know it's true & I'm praying that the Lord will get me over this selfish feeling of thinking I need to be loved most.
36. I KNOW I DON'T NEED TO WORRY & I'M TRYING NOT TO. You've been so encouraging & helpful. You've told me you love me, you've certainly proven over the years that you love me, & if I don't have faith in your love, or if I start to doubt it because someone else loves you, then really what it comes down to is that I'm just saying that you're a liar, that you're not loving me like you say you are. But I know that it's true that you do love me, I know it because you said it, I know it because you show it. And, as you have said so many times, I don't need to worry, that nothing is going to change this love that you have for me. The lessons & talks you've shared with me have been so instrumental in teaching me the proper way to look at the situation & most of all how to just trust the Lord for everything.
37. I GUESS LASTLY I'LL SAY THAT THE HONESTY OF OUR SITUATION HERE IS SOMETHING THAT HAS ALSO BEEN REAL INSTRUMENTAL IN HELPING ME. Because you've been honest with me & have encouraged me to be honest, I feel like I can tell you what I'm going through. I know from experience that when I do open my heart to you, you don't turn around & mock me or hurt me. I've learned through the years that when I pour out my heart to you & I put my heart out on the table that you handle it with care. At first it wasn't easy to do because I didn't know if you were going to kick it or push it or hurt it in any way. It was very tender for me to give you my heart that way & share things about my life that I'd never shared with anybody, but you never ever made fun of me or even joked about any of the things I ever said. You always took them in real confidence & that has made me learn to really trust you with my innermost feelings. You still continue on with what the Lord wants you to do. You're not letting me cause you to fail, instead you're lifting me up to your level so that I can learn.
38. SO MAYBE SOME OF THIS WILL HELP SOMEBODY ELSE, I don't know, but I just feel that with these relationships that people get into in the Family, that perhaps if they were handled with a lot more love & a lot of patience & longsuffering & wisdom & prayer & honesty, that perhaps some of the more rocky threesomes could be a lot less so.
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39. A FEW DAYS AFTER WRITING MY CONFESSION OF HOW THE LORD HAD DELIVERED ME FROM MY JEALOUSY, I WAS AGAIN HIT WITH A REAL JEALOUSY ATTACK. I was at first surprised at how severely I was hit & I had to hang on to the Lord & His Promises with all that was in me. Mama came into my room to find me lying on the bed with her Scripture tape playing in my earphones while I was praying & praising with all that was in me. I apologised to her that I was so weak but she comforted me with her words of Love & encouragement. The following is the conversation we had at that time:
40. (MARIA: YOU DON'T ALWAYS GET THE VICTORY HANDED TO YOU ON A SILVER PLATTER. By faith you do get it, but you have to fight for it & do more than just claim it, you have to really practice it & appropriate it until the Enemy knows you're not going to give up, until he knows you're going to keep it & you want it that much & you're not going to just throw it away. When the Devil finally sees that you're determined not to give up then he'll give up.) I really knew that I'd be tested, that's why I said I was afraid to testify because I knew that I was going to have a battle with it, & I did!
41. ON THE OTHER HAND, I KNEW I HAD TO, BECAUSE IF I DIDN'T, THEN THAT WOULD BE LACK OF FAITH, that I didn't think the Lord had done it. But I do think the Lord has done it, I know He has. That verse came on the tape that says, "He staggered not at the Promises of God through unbelief but was strong in faith, giving glory to God: & being fully persuaded, that what He had promised He was able also to perform." (Rom.4:20) I know the Lord has given me a victory but it's just like the Enemy tried to take it away, it was like a flood!
42. WELL, I'LL BE HONEST, I WAS STUPID, I BROUGHT IT ON MYSELF TOO. I do better if I don't notice things, I usually try to make a point of not looking at the clock & not looking to see if you closed his door when you went in or you left it open. (Maria: Did you go peek?) No, I didn't go & peek, but almost though. On my way back from downstairs I did take a little side detour & I heard you kissing. It was stupid, & it was like a sin, I knew I shouldn't do that, but I did it anyway. I know a lot of people do that too, they go & peek, but it's better not to! (Maria: It's like tempting the Lord.) Yes, it is! It's just not very wise to do that because it just gives place to the Enemy. (Maria: If you really want the victory why are you going to do that? You know that's not going to help you get the victory. So it's best not to do it.) It was really foolish! It's just crazy! It's just tempting the Lord & giving an open door to the Devil!
43. I WAS PRAYING IN TONGUES BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO PRAY. I prayed with all my heart, & all of a sudden I had real peace, just like everything got calm, & I got the verse, "The peace that passeth all understanding." I prayed in a tongue I'd never prayed in before & for some reason it seemed more meaningful. I felt it was all over, I was back to normal, I just had a perfect peace about things. When I was praying I was praying you & Juan would have a good time & the Lord would have His way & would lead you & guide you & bless him as he was going through trials. TYJ!
44. I FEEL LIKE I JUST BOXED 20 ROUNDS WITH THE CHAMP, BUT I WON, NOT HIM, TYJ! It was a real battle! Then I went back to my desk to try to work because I thought I was doing better & all of a sudden it flared up again, so I had to put on your Scripture tape. I listened to the verses & they were so helpful, I had to keep claiming them & praying in tongues & crying out with all my heart to the Lord to help me because I knew that if I didn't, if I didn't keep in the Word & keep claiming the verses & keep my mind & heart filled with Jesus, that I would be overtaken & I'd just crumble. It was so hard!
45. IT SEEMS LIKE IT WAS THE HARDEST THING I EVER WENT THROUGH. I just had to cry out to Jesus & ask Him to please hold on to me & not to let go, to really fill me with His Holy Spirit right then & to hold me & to not let me go. I had to lie on my bed & had the verses going through my head & I had to raise my hands & praise the Lord, I just knew I couldn't do it without Him!
46. THE ENEMY WAS TRYING TO MAKE ME THINK I HADN'T GOTTEN THE VICTORY & I was defeated & that the Lord hadn't done it, but I knew He had, I knew I just had to go on by faith!--Like the verse, "He is able to perform that which He had promised." And like Jacob, even though he looked at his body as good as dead & the situation seemed so terrible & I was having such a hard time, I knew Jesus wasn't going to fail me! He couldn't fail me! He didn't want me to fail & I didn't want to fail! TYJ! Pretty soon you came in & talked to me & comforted me & held me & told me you loved me, & prayed & prayed in tongues for me & I cried on your shoulder & told you I was so sorry. I didn't want to be a burden, I didn't want to fail & I was so sorry because I didn't want to keep you from doing what you needed to do. I want the victory with all my heart! TYJ!
47. (TO FAMILY:) I WANT TO POINT OUT HERE THAT WHEN MAMA SPENDS TIME WITH JUAN IT'S ONLY FOR A FEW MINUTES, probably not spending more than an hour total time with him at the most, it's not like she's spending hours with him in bed, in fact they haven't done too much sexually at all. The time she does spend with him is usually to share some important lessons with him, to make him a better leader. He has such a short time left with us, so she's trying to pour into him as much as possible in the time she has available, which isn't really much. It just goes to show what a spiritual problem my jealousy is, as here she's spending her valuable time trying to help train Juan & I'm having to fight my jealousy the same as if she were going to bed with him for hours every day, which she's not! God help me! She still spends much more time with me in the course of a day so it's not like I'm getting neglected, nor is anyone else.
48. ONE LITTLE LAST THING MAMA WANTED ME TO SHARE is how I told her that right after united prayer, before I'd gotten really jealous over Juan, I was praying & I saw a picture of a warrior with big muscles, wearing furs holding a big sword, & it came to me that this was a helper to help fight for me in this upcoming battle with my jealousy. I really believe the Lord has given me a helper because He knows that I am not able on my own in any way to overcome it, I'm so weak in this area. But I know that Jesus is able & I really want to give Him the glory. I can only say that He never fails, He holds me close & never fails, in Jesus' name!
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49. (To Mama:)
THIS MORNING I WAS READING THE MAIL & CAME ACROSS SOME LETTERS ABOUT SOME LEADERS WHO'VE BEEN HAVING TREMENDOUS JEALOUSY TRIALS, & I often read about people who have jealousy trials & threesome & foursome trials. It seems like it's a very difficult thing for a lot of people to go through, & a lot of people are presently having these trials. After reading about these problems & relating them to my problems of severe jealousy, I think I was able to come up with the real key to victory. I really feel that I've gained a tremendous victory in this area of my life & that I've really been able to start overcoming this jealousy! I still have fears & I am still having to battle with it, but the Lord has completely changed me & it was all His doing! TTL!
50. IT REALLY WOULDN'T MATTER HOW SWEET & KIND & LOVING & GENTLE YOU WERE WITH ME, nor that you have been so honest & open with me, nor all the care you've given me, if the Lord hadn't first come through due to united prayer. All that you've done has made it go much easier, but had I not had prayer on Sunday, had I not confessed my faults & asked for prayer & if our whole Family here had not laid hands on me & desperately prayed for me & really claimed the victory for me, all unitedly & all fighting together, & all as one, really desperately asking the Lord to deliver me from this horrible spirit of jealousy, I couldn't have changed! I know with all my heart, it wouldn't matter how much anybody did for me, without united desperate prayer I wouldn't have gotten the victory! The only thing that has given me the victory, the only lasting victory, has come from the Lord, because of united desperate prayer!
51. ALL THE OTHER THINGS THAT YOU HAVE SAID & DONE HAVE BEEN A TREMENDOUS BLESSING & a real help to me & have really made things much easier, but if I hadn't gotten desperate & had people lay hands on me & pray for me & gotten the whole Family together & confessed my sin, there is no way, & I believe this with all my heart, that I would have ever been delivered! I would have just continued on in this jealousy & would have gotten worse & worse. Thank You Lord! Hallelujah! Thank You Jesus! You did it all, in Jesus' name! The Lord really did it!
52. IN MY CONFESSION I REALLY STRESSED HOW MUCH YOUR KINDNESS & MERCY HAVE HELPED ME, & it's so true. However, some people may take that as an excuse & say that their mate isn't sweet enough or loving or patient or kind enough, like Maria is, so they can't get the victory. I just want to make it clear that your help has made it much easier, but you were also kind & sweet to me in the past & that didn't deliver me from my problem!--The deliverance was in confessing my problem & having desperate prayer. I just can't stress enough the importance of the Lord's deliverance, that the Lord did it because He is the only One Who could.
53. I HAVE TO SAY THAT HE HAS REALLY HELPED PULL ME THROUGH & IS CONTINUING TO DO IT! It's like He's put His protection around me. Though I still have some problems with it, He's helping me to overcome it. I know with all of my heart it's not in me & I know that I've had problems with jealousy & have had them for years & no matter what I or anyone else tried to do, I wasn't able to get rid of them. I had to ask for prayer & I had to really get desperate & have other people pray desperately for me. Like the verse says, "Confess your faults one to another & pray for one another that ye may be healed," & that's exactly what has helped me & I believe with all of my heart has really brought about a great victory in my life!
54. I DON'T EVER WANT TO SLIP BACK INTO IT, I don't ever want to fall & get jealous again, & even though perhaps I will have some battles with it, I know I've been delivered from it having such a grip on me. It's like now the Lord has given me the strength to fight against it instead of yielding to it. It's like now I have a choice whether to yield to it or not; whereas before it seemed to just overrun me. The Lord has changed & strengthened me! All glory to Him! He's miraculously healed me just as much as He would have healed me if I was blind, or if I was lame, & now I can walk!--As much as He has done that for others, so has He healed me in this jealousy, & I believe that with all of my heart! Thank you so much, Mama, & for all your love & care, & especially for directing me to the Lord.
Love always, Peter.
Copyright (c) 1998 by The Family