LOVING PRESENTATION!     Maria #209 DO 2894 2/93
--Show a Loving Attitude, and Feelings Will Follow!--By Maria

         1. In communications and relations with others, your presentation is very important. If you have problems in this area and work on improving, you will find that it makes all the difference in the world in how people respond to you. If you can learn how to present yourself in a more acceptable way, you will see a noticeable difference in the response of people towards you.
         2. Even if you're fed up with yourself and don't see any hope of changing your habits or polishing your personality, there is one thing you can do!--Just learn some lines!--For God's sake and everyone else's sake too! Of course, if you're having problems getting along with people, it would be preferable that you changed completely, changing your attitude and your habits and your life!--But if all you can manage to do is just learn a few lines and use them, you're going to find you get a much better response.
         3. It's just like witnessing in a way: If you're supposed to be going out witnessing but you don't feel like it, you go anyway. Or if you don't feel like smiling, you smile and you feel better. (See "Let Jesus Shine," Maria #57, DB3.) So even if you don't have it in you to really take these teens as your equals and put them on a co-worker level, at least if you can start by saying the right things, that may help your attitude to change too. At least it will certainly help their attitude towards you to change!
         4. People say, "Why should I smile if I'm not happy?"--Or, "How can I be affectionate when I don't feel like it?"--Or, "Why should I say things that I don't really mean? How can that be honest?" Well, you can do it for the sake of others, that's one reason. If you love others, why don't you try to do it for them, even if you don't feel like it. It's simply another time when you can't judge a matter completely by your feelings, but by what you know from the Word about being loving, and not hurting and offending others, but helping them and encouraging them.
         5. What's the most important thing--to be honest or to be loving? The answer, of course, is to be loving. For example, if you feel like screaming at somebody, but instead you hold back your emotions and try to be sweet to them instead, you could feel that you're not being sincere and you're not being honest.
         6. But I think the Lord will reward you more for being loving than if you just decide to let it all hang out and vent your emotions because you've decided, "We're supposed to be honest and we're supposed to really say what we mean, so let's just let our angry frustrations out!" Those negative feelings come from your old man and your old evil nature; you should cover up such feelings, and let the Lord's Spirit express itself through you in good words and acts.
         7. When thinking about this, the verse came to me that says, "The love of Christ constraineth us" (2Cor.5:14). In other words, it restrains us from letting out frustrations, from being angry with people, or from being harsh with them. That's what our natural inclination is, what our natural man wants to do, but the love of Jesus constrains us (which means "compels us") to do otherwise.

When You Don't Feel Like It, The Lord Can Come Through!

         8. The Word teaches us that it's good to learn what words are helpful to use with others, in verses like: "The heart of the righteous studieth to answer," and, "The Lord hath given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him that is weary" (Pro.15:28; Isa.50:4).
         9. If you express love when you don't feel like it, it shows that while you may not feel like it, the Lord feels like it, and He needs to show that love through you. He's not being deceptive and He's not being dishonest, because the Lord really does love that person, and we are supposed to be showing the Lord and His love to others. Whatever we feel is not nearly as important as what the Lord feels. It's what the Lord feels and what the Lord wants us to express that should be uppermost in our mind.
         10. You've got to remember that the feelings will follow. You might not mean it at first, but that's the way we learn to do things right. You have to follow the rule book in the beginning. You have to say or do things that you don't feel comfortable with and that are not natural to you. We all have to do that. We shouldn't be suspicious of each other's motives and say, "You don't really mean that, do you? You were just told to say or do that." You teens will need to watch out for this attitude, because it will be very easy for you to think something like: "Oh, you don't mean that. You are just saying it because Mama Maria said you should."
         11. The point we're bringing out is this: Do you want to be shown the Lord's love, or do you just want to see somebody's raw feelings? Why quibble over whether they're the person's feelings or the Lord's feelings! Just be glad they're good feelings! I think I'd rather see the Lord's love in someone than to see their old evil nature coming out!
         12. You shouldn't wonder what a person's motives are or where the love is coming from or if they really mean it. Just thank the Lord if somebody can show you some love, no matter whether they feel it initially or not. Thank the Lord that it's His love, which never fails!

When It's Good to Apologize

         13. In addition to finding the right things to say and new ways to express yourself or to address someone, you may also need to sit down with the person or persons toward whom you feel resentful or angry and apologize. If you can't seem to get along with someone, or you feel there is some kind of wall or friction building up between you, you can approach them lovingly and prayerfully, and ask them to pray for you and to forgive you for any ways in which you may have hurt them. You could also discuss the situation together and see if you can come up with any tips on how the two of you could have a better working relationship. If you humbly take the lower seat, you may find that the other person or persons will also apologize for any problems they may have contributed to your interaction, and the Lord will bless your communication.
         14. Again, honesty should not be used in talks like this as an excuse for spilling out all of your negative feelings and criticisms toward someone. But if you go to them and admit your failings, so that you can prayerfully seek a solution together, then if the same problem should crop up in the future, or if the other person is tempted to think that you are indeed upset with them again, you have gone on the record as saying that you do not want to be like that. The other person will know that you are praying to overcome any bad habits, failings, or whatever it may be that could be contributing to the friction or conflict, and they will be more understanding, as well as try to do their part to make your interaction go more smoothly.
         15. When admitting resentment, sensitivity, or other negative feelings, it's also good to ask the Lord for wisdom and prayerfully consider the effect that this disclosure may have on the other person. You don't want to bring negative feelings to light if it seems it could do more damage than good. I think that if you are pretty sure that the person doesn't have any inkling or even a feeling that you have had something against them in your heart, it might be better not to say anything. In such a case, you could consult with your shepherd, or a teen shepherd if a teen is involved, as to whether it would be better for you to apologize for your feelings or just pray together with your shepherd for the Lord to give you the victory. The Lord could change your feelings as an answer to prayer, through the Word and your working on the problem, without the other person being possibly saddened by knowing you had a trial about him or her.
         16. However, if you have made it pretty clear by the way you've spoken to a person or acted toward him or her that there is a problem, there's some friction, then I think it's important to talk about it and apologize. And sometimes even if we think we've hidden our feelings, a wall or barrier can still exist so that a person can just feel that something is wrong even if there have been no angry words spoken. So it's important to straighten out any friction--not only by asking the Lord to take away any resentment or negative feelings, but also by either going to the person to apologize and pray together, or by going to your shepherd to confess your wrong feelings and ask for prayer and advice as to how to make things right.

Learning New Things by Rote

         17. To meet this challenge for the sake of our young people, many are going to have to learn new lines by rote to begin with; in other words, like a mechanical routine learned by memory. That's how you learn things, that's how you form good habits, that's how you learn complicated maneuvers. It's like learning to type, or to drive, or to play a musical instrument, or operate a computer. It's always a little strange at first and it feels unnatural to make the right moves. But after you practice, the movements become second nature to you. After a while it's natural and comfortable to you to do it the right way, the way you've been taught and practiced and learned.
         18. Some ways are better for communicating than other ways. You can have a very wonderful heart, a soft, warm heart and lots of love, but you may have to be helped to find practical ways of expressing that love. There's nothing really deceptive about it; that's the way we have to do things.
         19. Don't be too proud, just be willing to do whatever it takes, whatever you need to do to have the desired effect. There are so many ways you could present things, but some are sure to get a much better response than others. And sometimes you have to stop and put thought into it, and pray about what would be the best presentation. The Lord would probably rather have you put a lot of prayer into what you say beforehand so that then when you do open your mouth, He can fill it with what He really wants to fill it with. (See Psalm 81:10b.)
         20. I think a lot of people have this idea that that verse means that when they open their mouth they should say whatever comes into their head. But I think it's very important that we are very prayerful in how we present things to others. By our just opening our mouths and spouting whatever first comes into our head, people can be very hurt. Maybe not everyone has to, but I think most of us do need to take some thought about what we're going to say and how we approach people.
         21. We need to pray, "How am I going to ask them to do this?" "How am I going to instruct them in the use of this," or, "How am I going to counsel them in this?" There are all kinds of approaches you could take, but some are much better than others--much more considerate, much more loving, much more acceptable than others. There's nothing wrong, and in fact everything right with taking a little time to decide how you're going to talk to somebody and exactly how you're going to approach them and what you're going to say.
         22. If you've been not so skilled or not so experienced in taking the time and thinking and praying about your speech and your approach, then for a while you're going to have to almost work it out line by line before you do it. After a while it becomes more natural because you just learn to put yourself in the other person's shoes. You just learn by experience what people respond well to and what is the loving, considerate way to express yourself.
         23. It really helps to lay down some guidelines and some do's and don'ts in talking with others. In addition to the Letters, in "How to Love," "Raise 'em Right," and "Marvellous Marriage" there are many articles on this topic, as well as many that have appeared in the WND over the years. If we would follow those, we probably wouldn't have to learn anything else!
         24. Actually, the very most important thing is not the words you say, but it's the love and consideration and trust that people feel from you. Sometimes what you say may come out a little blunt and rough, but people will forgive you and overlook it if they see that you are attempting to show love and respect and consideration for them and their abilities. Even if you fail to say exactly the right thing in every situation, if people feel and know that you love and trust them, that will be even more important to them than what you tell them.

Put Yourself in the Teens' Place

         25. I think we've all got to learn that some of our "little kids" aren't so little any more, but, lo and behold, they've grown up!--And we need to be treating them more like peers and co-workers than children. Children have emotions and feelings and desires, and can be hurt and offended, and need love and appreciation and consideration just as we adults do.
         26. A child will behave more responsibly and maturely if he is talked to with the same respect you would give an adult. If he feels that you expect him to behave in a responsible way, then he'll more than likely try to fulfill your expectations. So if we know we should handle our children with positive expectations, how much more should we treat our young people with respect as co-workers, especially those who are adults already and much more responsible.
         27. The sooner we start relating to our young people as adults in our communication with them, the more adult they will try to act. Talk to them with respect and not condescendingly, ask their opinions, address them directly. For example, when you're talking to adults and teens together, instead of directing everything to the adults, you should try to divide your conversation equally between adults and teens, so all can share in the conversation and feel included.
         28. I think the most important rule in interaction with anyone is still to put yourself in their place and look at everything through their eyes and try to see how they see it and how they feel about it. If you were in their position, would you like to be talked to the way you're talking to them? You know you're supposed to be loving and considerate, but if you don't know how to carry that out in practical terms, just follow the rule of putting yourself in their place or "walking a mile in their shoes," and I think that should give you a pretty good indication of how to treat someone.
         29. Try to remember how you felt when you were 18, how you wanted people to treat you. Who did you look up to the most and why? It was probably because of their positive interaction with you and good open communication. They most likely treated you with respect and consideration, and you felt that they valued your opinions. When talking with them, you probably felt as though you were talking with an equal or a friend.

It's Worth the Effort

         30. There are a lot of reasons for lack of good communication. People may feel insecure or they may not have enough time to communicate properly; they may assume things or look down on people--all kinds of problems, and there may be all kinds of reasons for the problem. But we don't have time right now to go into all of the reasons and figure out what they are. The main thing to do is just to do it the right way; just obey!
         31. Forget all the reasons for not communicating properly, just obey and do it the way you're supposed to do it, and the Lord will bless that. For the time being, the quickest way you can correct things is to just follow the script, and that should take care of the problem, at least temporarily, and that's the important thing to do to help our teens right now.
         32. Our poor teens aren't going to know how to communicate with adults, children or each other if we're communicating with them in such a shoddy, belittling, disrespectful manner. They're certainly not going to be able to learn from us how they should communicate properly. Unless we adults change, we're teaching them very very bad lessons and we're showing them a very bad sample that they're going to imitate and carry on. They're going to imitate this behavior with each other, or with others younger than themselves, and it's very sad.
         33. So that's another reason why we'd better hurry up and start doing the right thing--so that they'll get the right message. No wonder we've heard reports about our teens being sarcastic amongst themselves, or shallow in their conversation, or talking rudely or impatiently to their younger brothers and sisters. Where did they get it from? They more than likely picked it up from adults. Kids are supposed to follow their parents' and their teachers' examples, but, sad to say, the examples they've seen haven't always been so good. So we adults shouldn't turn around and blame the teens for their behavior when they more than likely just picked it up from us!
         34. That's why it's so important for all of us to concentrate on the presentation. It's very important to figure it out beforehand and try to see if you can find the best way of expressing yourself. Often you can do it better on paper. It takes longer, yes, but if you really do have something important to say or something that's a difficult situation, something you really want to express well, if you feel you can't do it in person, then try putting it on paper. Try giving yourself the time to pray about it and express it the way you would like to, in a loving, considerate way. So using paper is another option, something else that you can do to improve your presentation.
         35. But, of course, in your everyday interaction with teens, you aren't going to be able to write everything down, so you've just got to start trying to learn new ways to express yourself verbally that will be more acceptable and have a more favorable response. If your attitude is right and you really have the love and concern that you need and you are willing to take the time to put yourself in another's place, it seems like it shouldn't be too difficult to know how to communicate with the teens. And if you ask the Lord, He'll be sure to show you what to say and how to approach them with love, consideration, respect and encouragement. "If any man lack wisdom, let him ask of God, Who giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him" (Jam.1:5).


Copyright (c) 1998 by The Family