JEWELS ABOUT TEENS!
1992
--By Maria
Maria #196 DO 2864
Worldliness in Our Teens' Dress and Appearance!
1. Worldliness, or coolness, is much more in the attitude of the heart than in the outward appearance. Or, to put it another way, you can't necessarily judge how spiritual a person is or how worldly that person is by what he or she wears. What's in your heart matters much more than the kind of clothes on your body.
2. When we talk about someone who has a problem with trying to be "cool," we usually mean that they tend to behave in a worldly way, as we pretty much define coolness and worldliness as the same thing. But when it comes to clothing, what a teen wears is not nearly as important as the attitude of his or her heart. The Bible instructs us to "judge not according to outward appearance, but judge righteous judgment" (Jn.7:24). And while the outward appearance does sometimes reflect a less than healthy attitude of heart, often it doesn't. Of course whatever you wear, if you really get into it and place too much emphasis on it or become too proud of it, it can have a pull on you and can affect you in the spirit, a little like a frown makes you feel unhappy, or if you put a smile on your face, you soon feel happier. It's your attitude or outlook that counts the most.
3. I certainly don't think that our kids wearing the same style of clothes or the same fashion as most System kids is, in itself, going to hurt them at all. Even if upon occasion someone decides to try out something really "far out," we shouldn't automatically conclude that there's something wrong with them. Perhaps their choice of clothes or fashion is not wise or expedient, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they're rebellious or backslidden in heart. It may just mean that they want to be different from their Family peers, or assert their independence or individuality.--Or perhaps they want more attention.--Or maybe they want to see how wisely you will handle a situation that is not routine, and there's not an answer already spelled out for it and "on the books."
4. Just because the System uses something or wears it doesn't necessarily mean it's "worldly." Some things are, of course, but we can't automatically call everything the System wears "worldly styles." When we wear something that the System wears, or watch a movie that the System watches, or eat food that the System eats, we don't label all these things as "worldly." Our definition of worldly should be something that is not Godly, that doesn't conform to His Word and Scriptural principles. But obviously, there are many things from the System we can use in a Godly way.
5. It is our attitude about them and the way in which we use them that can make them Godly or ungodly. If we use them for the Lord's glory and to further His work in some way, either by helping us to be healthy, happy, well-groomed, knowledgeable, etc., then these things are not worldly. If they bear good fruit in our lives and have a good effect on us, they are not worldly just because the System uses them. The question for us should be, "Can we use what the System uses in an edifying, fruitful, Godly way?" If so, there's no reason why we shouldn't.
6. So the main question for you teens when it comes to matters of dress and clothing should be: Does it glorify the Lord? Does it make you a good testimony, or help you feel more confident because you fit in better and are able to "become one" with those you witness to? Maybe that's putting the doorknob a little too high, to expect you to always judge what you wear by the standard of whether it glorifies the Lord or not. This is the ideal and what would be the most pleasing to the Lord, and we hope you will try to judge everything you do and wear by this standard. However, being the weak human beings that we are, we all know that none of us ever always live up to the standard. And maybe in your case, when it comes to what you wear, you sometimes don't have such lofty motivations. Maybe you just like to be different from your Family peers in order to assert yourself as an individual. Maybe you are just trying to be a bit independent--which is normal for teens. I don't think there's any harm in your dressing differently sometimes. I don't see any reason for everyone looking exactly the same, or for that matter, doing things exactly the same way.
7. There are many different ways to look attractive and well-groomed, just as there are many different ways to do things to reach the same goal. The Lord doesn't demand that we be exactly the same in outward appearance or in personality or in thought or in ways of doing things. He does, however, expect that we all manifest the same Spirit--His Spirit of love, happiness, wisdom and righteousness. That's why, no matter what we wear or how different we look on the outside, people can readily identify us as all being His children.
8. In a recent report, one of the shepherds in the U.S. mentioned that some of the girls had gotten into wanting to pierce their ears twice. One question to consider is, what is your motivation for wanting to do that? Another question to consider is, what results will your actions have? If you want to pierce your ears twice, is it just because you think it's pretty?--Or just because you want to be different from your Family peers?--Or is it because you want to look the same as all the System girls who may be doing it? Is it harmless for you?--Or is it somehow going to bear bad fruit in your life? The main thing that counts is the motivation of the heart.
9. However, even if your motives are good, to "become one" with those you're trying to witness to, you have to be on guard, because it can still affect you in a negative way if you start placing too much emphasis on trying to be like the world. You can innocently get too into that sort of thing, and then it's almost like the spirit of it is able to get ahold of you and influence you. The Bible says, "Be not conformed to this world, but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind" (Rom.12:2). So we have to be careful about getting too into some of these worldly ways and fashions, etc., because it seems that when people really get into these things it sort of opens them up to getting the spirit of them, like the spirit of worldliness, which is the lust of the flesh and the pride of life--in other words, pride and selfishness and greed, etc.
10. Plus, we should consider whether it's something we really need to do in order to "become one" with those we're witnessing to and trying to reach. Is it really something that is that important that it will affect your witness if you don't do it, even if "all the kids are doing it"? Should you perhaps look around and see how many of them aren't doing it? Sometimes the kids doing it are just part of a minority clique, like those who shave their heads or dye their hair orange or green or whatever. We should probably also consider the fact that getting your ears pierced twice and buying extra pairs of good quality earrings can be pretty expensive, so at least from the financial angle, it might not bear good fruit. So even if you feel that something might bear good fruit in some respects, if it doesn't bear good fruit in other respects, you have to weigh things out and judge if the overall fruit is good or not.
11. You girls may enjoy wearing something simply because it is pretty or you feel pretty in it. Granted, it is good to be well-groomed, to be a good sample, to do the most with what the Lord has given you--that's being a good steward, and there is satisfaction in that. On the other hand, if you are too preoccupied with your outward appearance, it can pull you away from the attention you need to give to spiritual values, your "inner man" (1Pet.3:4). Rather than being an encouragement, styles can become a distraction to the point that the clothes own you, instead of you owning the clothes!
12. While we don't want you teens to think that you have to dress in all the latest styles and fashions of the world to be attractive or to witness effectively, neither do we want you to go to the other extreme of dressing so conservatively that the kids in the System can't relate to you at all. You teens need to look like the System teens enough in your outward appearance so those kids will at least be interested in talking to you, and then you can show them how different you really are! But you are not even going to get close enough to the kids in the System to be able to witness to them if they think you are so weird, old-fashioned or churchy that they're scared or turned off by you. I think it's a matter of balance.
13. Generally, you can just dress comfortably and neatly in the moderate style that most kids wear in whatever country you're in. In other words, the style that is usually acceptable in school, that the teachers don't frown on or try to get the students to change. I don't see anything wrong with you dressing like the System kids who dress moderately and fairly neatly and attractively, and aren't on the fringe with punk styles or any other outlandish styles. If you just look "normal" or like the average young person, neither too old-fashioned or conservative nor too "far-out" and extreme, you will be able to witness more effectively because you won't be drawing undue attention to yourself and your outward appearance, but rather to the Lord and His Spirit within you and His Word that you have to share with them.
14. Of course, even if a majority of people in the world follow certain trends or styles, it doesn't mean that we have to do the same.--Particularly when we feel that certain worldly ways or styles are ugly or ungodly or unscriptural. That's when we just have to draw the line, whether something is popular with the worldlings or not!
15. In every country there's the majority group of teens that would be considered fairly moderate or average, and I don't know why our own kids can't dress the way they do, if that's the kind of clothes that the Lord supplies for them. However, I don't think we need to go out of our way to make sure our teens get exactly the same clothes the majority of the System teens wear. But if there is a choice or if the Lord supplies clothes that are the same, then I don't see why our kids can't wear them.
16. I don't think we need to have too many restrictions on teens' clothes, unless it's just too outlandish or it causes bad fruit in the teens when they wear it, such as getting everyone's attention more focused on clothes than anything else, and comparing amongst each other, etc. Dad has never come down hard on our Home's teens, restricting them from clothes or styles that were within reason. Of course, if David wanted to wear his hair in a punk style, Dad would probably put his foot down about that, because it would associate David with punk rockers, which would be a bad testimony. If you teens had punk haircuts or wore black leather pants and jackets with silver studs, most people's first impressions would generally be negative and they wouldn't want to talk to you, which would hinder your witness and would not glorify God. Even if they were willing to listen to you, their attention would still be so distracted by your outward appearance that they would not be able to concentrate fully on the message.
17. We don't really have a dress code other than just dressing for comfort and convenience and rather moderately, like the majority of the population, so our clothes blend in fairly well with everybody else. I don't think we should restrict our teens too much in this area, unless we find that the clothes they're wearing are either having a bad effect on them or are a bad testimony to others.
Teens Witnessing About Controversial Subjects!
18. We've cautioned you teens before about being careful when witnessing not to get too much into controversial subjects. However, in today's world where the majority of people are directly opposed to almost everything that is Godly and Biblical and Scriptural, almost everything we believe is going to be controversial! Practically everything you say, they're going to disagree with! We're on a completely different wavelength on most subjects than the world is, so many of the things we believe and live are in direct opposition to the way they believe.
19. So if we tell you to stay away from controversial subjects, what are you going to talk about besides Salvation? (And even Salvation can be controversial with some!) If we're trying to teach you personal witnessing, and if we really mean that you should talk to people, then you're not going to be able to stay away from controversial subjects because almost everything is going to be controversial.
20. Kids today, more than ever, are trained to debate and doubt. They're trained to argue! They're trained to be skeptical and not to believe anything! So just about anything you young people are going to talk to them about is going to be controversial and is going to be a subject that can be argued. You kids are just going to have to be able to say, "Well, this is what the Bible says about it! This is what the Bible says about abortion. This is what the Bible says about the environment. This is what the Bible says about homosexuality and AIDS." Or about the death penalty or mercy killing, whatever hot subjects people are interested in today. And if you're unable to quote them specific chapters and verses from the Bible, but you know what the MO Letters teach about the subject that's being discussed, then you can preach that to them! And if you've got "Mountain Streams" Letters or posters or a Treasures book or DFs or any other GP tools on you that address the topic, don't hesitate to show them the answers from our printed lit.
21. Even if you don't know where the verses are in the Bible, you ought to be able to talk intelligently on these things. After all, we've had Dad's Letters and teachings on many of these subjects. I think you owe it to the people to give them the truth. So you don't always have to know where to find the Bible verses, although it's always very powerful when you can show them the answer right out of the Bible. But even if you can't, you can just explain what the Bible or the Letters say about the subject. The worldly teens will be giving their opinions on these topics, and you teens' opinions are much better than theirs because yours are based on the Word. So even if you can't point out the exact chapter and verse, you have good Godly Scriptural opinions and you should give them.
22. Of course, it may get you into some trouble, I understand that, because you are going to be the prophets crying in the wilderness and being a minority voice in a world of evil. So your Scriptural, Godly answers will often be mocked and scoffed at and ridiculed. But it's your responsibility to share the truth with people. It's part of your witness. And here and there, you will get some positive response from the sheep who are hungry and who are starving for the truth, and who will listen to you and who will receive it.
"Training Up" Our Teens in the Way They Should Go!
23. Our enemies are accusing us of not allowing our teens to make their own choices about their future. Their accusation is that our kids can't make the right decisions because we keep them too sheltered, so how can they decide what to do with their life if they haven't been exposed to all the possibilities? They say our teens need to get away from the Family and experience the world; they need to go to System school and fill their head with worldly wisdom, and then they will be able to decide what they want to do.
24. That's always been the Devil's trick, to get the parents to believe that the kids have to be able to make their own choices, so you shouldn't teach them anything or influence them. You should just let them learn things on their own and have as much input on every different level and from every different source, and then they can make their own decision. That's absolutely ridiculous and directly contrary to what the Lord says!
25. The Bible says "train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it" (Pro.22:6). It says right there that you're supposed to tell him what to do. You're supposed to train them, and then they won't depart from it! The definition of train is, "To guide or control the mental, moral, physical, etc., development of someone." So we are supposed to guide our children and to teach them the truth and to protect them from the Devil's outside influences!
26. Besides, if you, their parents and teachers, don't train them in the way they should go, the Devil will train them in the way they shouldn't go, you can be assured of that. He's just attacking and criticizing you for training them and directing their choices, because he wants to get you so under condemnation that you relinquish your hold on them and give them over to him, so he can train them--in the wrong way!
27. The Devil doesn't mind giving them a variety of choices, as long as they're all his choices, the wrong choices, and he doesn't really care which one of these wrong choices they make.--Just so it's a worldly choice and not a Godly one. So he tries to condemn you parents and teachers, saying that you're so narrow-minded and so unfair, so intolerant and bigoted and old-fashioned because you're only presenting your kids with the Bible and a Christian education. Whereas he comes along portraying himself as so open-minded and so tolerant and so understanding and so sympathetic and so in tune with the times because he's presenting them with a multitude of options: different ideologies, different viewpoints, different religions, different attitudes, etc.
28. Of course he has a lot to offer, and he can couch his temptations in all sorts of noble-sounding terms in order to try to disguise what he's really up to, but in the end it all falls under the big umbrella of the Devil's own training and his ungodly education. "For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world!" (1Jn.2:16).
29. Yes, God's a little narrow-minded, because He knows that His way is the only right way, the way that leads to life eternal, and if you start going down any of the other roads, they're all going to lead to destruction. The narrow road doesn't always look so enticing or appealing, nor nearly as challenging. Who doesn't like to make their own choice and have a lot of options to choose from?--A lot of glitter and appeal and attractiveness. The Devil makes his temptations look just as wonderful as he possibly can to entice you and seduce you into walking down one of his many paths. But don't be deceived, they're all dead-end roads.--And they all lead to destruction! If you allow him to deceive you, you'll find that the glitter and glamour will soon fade away, and that you're caught in the "snare of the fowler" (Psa.91:3) who enticed you into his trap through one of his many baits.
30. Our enemies and the Devil are going to try to give you a "choice" by trying to offer you all that the world has to offer, "the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life." The "pleasures of sin" may look good for a season, but you need to remember that even if you have to "suffer affliction with the people of God" (Heb.11:25), that the Family and living in the Lord's service is better in every way than anything you'll ever be offered by the System!
31. Of course, we have to be realistic that there are going to be some of our kids who just don't want to make the right choices and who have already determined in their hearts that they don't want to yield and they don't want to obey the Lord; they want to get out of the Family because they love the world and the things of the world. So when they get a chance to go to the world, they'll take it. It's always sad when one of our teens goes, and it's especially rough on you parents, teachers and shepherds. But if they've made up their mind and have made their choice to leave, we should be thankful that we don't have to waste any more of our valuable time pouring into them when they "don't want the books," and when our many other deserving teens need our help and counsel. In that type of case, the sooner we and they find out, the better.
32. Mind you, I'm not saying that any time one of our kids shows an interest in the world that we should send them out. And we're not trying to get rid of any teens who are just weakened, discouraged, upset or confused. But in a case where the teen has had serious problems for years and has expressed over and over again the thought of leaving, then we should consider arranging to have them go, possibly to live with their grandparents or some other relative who would be willing to take them in. At least that way they won't continue to be a drain on the valuable time of our teen shepherds and they won't be a continual bad influence on others. It's sad to lose them, because we dearly love our teens and each one is so valuable and has had years of training poured into them, but if they have made an obvious, determined choice to go, then it's better to do all we can to help them on their way. We don't keep anyone against their will, and in fact, if they keep saying they want to be somewhere else, we agree that they--and we--would be much better off if they left.
Vocational Training for Teens!
33. You teens in the Family have a wonderful opportunity for vocational training. Many of you have already become secretaries, experts in childcare, expert maintenance men and handymen, video technicians, editors, writers, etc. Isn't it fulfilling knowing that you've been able to learn a real skill? Many of you have become virtual professionals in many important areas, and become fruitful and fulfilled at your jobs, as opposed to just sitting in school ingesting a lot of useless knowledge like your counterparts in the System--head-stuffing that they're not going to remember anyway! You have your share of scholastics too, but you can have both scholastics and vocational training, and the right balance between the two.
34. I'm all for you teens receiving as much practical training as you can. You should learn an actual job or a skill or something that you're interested in and are happy about and that you see as something responsible and that you can accomplish something concrete in, something that will help others and help you to feel confident and well-prepared for life.
35. We should look at our teens' education realistically, and if we know that they're definitely not going to need some aspect of their training later on, something that is unnecessary--something that we know we don't need--we shouldn't push it. There are so many other things that they could be doing that they would love, that would not only help them to feel responsible and challenged and fulfilled, but would help others as well!
36. I hope that besides becoming expert witnesses, our teens can become skilled in some of these other things as well. We have some very important jobs that they can learn that will always be in demand, like baby-care, childcare, teaching, cooking, sewing, secretarial work, construction, maintenance, handyman, computer work, video work, photography, music, etc. All these are great vocational training, and in learning these skills they will be way ahead of teens their own age in the System. Most kids have to slave away in school for years and then they get out and start learning their jobs, whereas our kids get a big head start by learning these skills much earlier!
Rotating Ministries for Teens
37. I would hope that by the time our young people reach the age of 21 they will have had a chance to try out a wide variety of ministries. It would be beneficial for them to rotate through different ministries, even those they don't have a special liking for, so they'll at least have had a chance to try them and learn something about them. Many of our teens get into doing one ministry and they get in that groove and think that's the ministry they're going to have forever, so they don't even have the desire or the faith to try something else. They feel safe and secure in doing their one ministry, and they've learned to do it well, so they're a little hesitant to launch out into something new.
38. Even if they do want to change ministries, they may have become so needed in one particular job, and learned it so well, that they tend to get stuck there and don't have the opportunity to learn other things. So in order to give them more opportunities as well as more well-rounded training, we need to give them the chance to rotate ministries more. Perhaps we ought to almost make it mandatory! Or at least we should strongly suggest that any time a teen has learned one thing well and has learned to do it right and has been a blessing in that area and has trained someone else to take over their job, that they should be rotated into a different ministry to allow them to learn more and broaden their horizons. Of course, to do this we'll have to make sure that we provide another person for them to train.
39. Often teens find out after they're more or less pushed into something new that they actually do like that other job or ministry better than the old one! Most teens are constantly changing in their outlooks, in their attitudes and their desires, and the more diversity they can experience, the better it is.--And of course, the more skilled and talented they will become. So I think they would welcome mandatory rotational training in a variety of areas.
40. Even though I'm suggesting that our young people rotate and try as many jobs as possible, I'm not suggesting that they have to become super-skilled experts in every field. I don't think that they should have to stay so long in each ministry that they try out that they become an expert at it. I think it's very good for them to be exposed to a variety of ministries, so if there's ever a need in one of those areas and they want to help out, they will have had at least a little bit of experience in it, and they will therefore have some confidence that they can get in there and do the job that's needed.
Helping Our Teens Look at "Problems" as Challenges!
41. One of you teens mentioned to me in a letter that you were discouraged because you had been going through a lesson-learning time, and you felt as though you were a problem case. I think that's a very common perception, that when you are going through difficult times and having to learn some lessons and making mistakes and receiving correction, you feel like a problem case and feel that everyone views you as such. It's too bad that you look at it that way. Just because you are experiencing a problem certainly doesn't make you a problem case.
42. Our problems aren't something to look down on or feel bad about, because life is made up of multiple problems. In fact, our life is full of problems every day! We're always going to have some problems! We're all going to have problems! But it's a challenge to find a solution to them and get the victory over them! So you shouldn't look down on yourself or anyone else because they have problems, because if you're not faced with some problems, then you're not going to feel challenged to solve them. It's through solving our problems that we grow.
43. In order to grow and to mature and to gain experience, you need to go through the exercise of solving and overcoming problems. So you teens certainly shouldn't think that just because things come up in your life that you have to work on, and because you have weak areas that you have to strengthen, and you have lessons you need to learn, that you're a "problem case." That's not the right attitude or the right way to look at things at all!
44. We're happy when people are growing and getting victories over their problems, but they couldn't do that if they were problem-free. You can't get a victory unless you have a problem. It's like Grandpa says, "No victory without a battle, no triumph without a trial." In other words, no victory without a problem! No solution without a problem! So be thankful you have problems, because without them you wouldn't get victories! Be thankful you have battles so you can win victories. Be thankful you have problems so you can find solutions to them!--Because you wouldn't be progressing or growing if you weren't continually finding solutions and remedies for the problems you face each day.
45. So don't feel bad because you're learning lessons. You're only a "problem case" if you stubbornly continue to hold on to your problems and don't try to find solutions to them or overcome the obstacles in your life. You're only a "problem case" if you just keep on having the same ones over and over and don't try to do anything about them, and aren't concerned about trying to get the victory! No matter how long your problems last, as long as you're fighting for solutions, you're growing, and if you're growing you're not a "problem case"!
Copyright (c) 1998 by The Family