LOVE IS THE ANSWER!--By Maria    DFO1396
--A Talk to Parents on the Needs & Special Care of Children!

         1. THE PRIMARY FACTOR NECESSARY, OF COURSE, IN RAISING CHILDREN IS THE WORD & THE LORD & LOVE! Dad is such a good sample of giving the children loving attention.--Like when they're at the table, he directs his attention to them almost as much as to the adults. He treats them as human beings & he's concerned about them & considerate of them.--They feel loved, so they are loving.
         2. IF THEIR PARENTS CAN'T BE WITH THEM ALL THE TIME IT'S DIFFICULT FOR SMALL CHILDREN TO UNDERSTAND WHY.--They think they should be the most important thing in the World to you, & when you can't show them that attention, because out of necessity you must be elsewhere, it may hurt them a little bit & maybe they won't feel that you love them quite as much as when you're with them constantly.
         3. AND OF COURSE THE MORE CHILDREN YOU HAVE, THE LESS INDIVIDUAL TIME you can give each one. A mother with seven children to take care of can't give each one all the individual time that she'd like to give or all the time that they'd like to have, & so along the line somewhere you might possibly have a few problems. But I'm sure the Lord knows it can be overcome, otherwise He wouldn't give you that many children!
         4. THAT'S WHY IN OUR FAMILY UNITS OTHERS HAVE TO BE CONCERNED TOO, NOT JUST THE MOTHER, & they all have to make it a family affair. Everyone here in our Home learns that. When folks come to live here, our children are their children & they all take an interest in them.
         5. IT'S HARD TO GIVE AS MUCH ATTENTION & SHOW AS MUCH INTEREST IN OTHER CHILDREN AS IT IS YOUR OWN, because it's not natural! I guess you can explain the situation here as supernatural! But even if you don't naturally love other children as much as your own, you have to make a conscious effort to at least not exclude others entirely or show too much favouritism to your own when they're all together.
         6. OF COURSE AT TIMES YOU EXPECT TO SHOW SOME FAVOURITISM, & one thing we do to try to help Techi & David know that they're special to us is, we have them come in to our room together for special fellowship every night. But the times when all three children are together like at dinnertime, Dad is also very very good with Davida & really sweet to her & talks to her & holds her hand & makes her feel loved as well.
         7. EVERYBODY NEEDS TO FEEL SPECIAL TO SOMEBODY, RIGHT? That's why we have husbands & wives--you need to feel special to somebody! If you were treated exactly the same by everybody, you'd lose that personal sense of belonging! Even if you have eight children, you can still give each one something special--either special attention or a special something that means a lot to them. You should at least try to do this consistently, perhaps at least once a week so they don't all think they're just one more child in the line-up.
         8. YOU HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL THAT EACH OF THEM HAS SOME SPECIAL GIFT OR SPECIAL ATTENTION AT THEIR OWN SPECIAL TIME. But children don't have too much of a concept of time when they're small, so if you give one something & say to the other, "Yours will come next time", "next time" is a long way away & very nebulous! So in most cases if you give one something, you should try to do a little something special for the others also.
         9. BUT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN YOU HAVE TO SHOW EACH ONE THAT THEY'RE SPECIAL, & not treat your children exactly the same all the time. They have to know they're special in their own way. And when one needs something the others don't need, they have to be taught, "When yours wears out, you can have a new one, too!" But if you take one out to get a pair of needed shoes & you bring the others back a little toy or something that may cost only 10 cents, it means just as much to them.--Just a little remembrance to show that you love them & you remembered them too.
         10. WHEN TECHI CAME ALONG I WAS REALLY VERY CONCERNED, ALMOST FEARFUL, THINKING, "We get so little time to spend with David as it is, & now we have to try to give attention to both of them!" We didn't have time to have the children visit separately each day, involving two visits, &, when they came together, we almost ignored David in favour of the new baby, naturally spending more time with her.--The baby's always the cutest, especially a girl, & poor David felt a little left out sometimes.
         11. BUT WE REALLY PRAYED & I WAS SO THANKFUL BECAUSE DADDY WAS REALLY GOOD TO HIM, saying special things to him, like at the table he'd really reassure him; "David, I fed you & spent a lot of time with you when you were little, when you really needed me like this. Now you can eat on your own & take care of yourself, but now Techi needs my help & that's why she's sitting next to Daddy now."
         12. DAD REALLY MADE A SPECIAL EFFORT TO SAY THINGS TO DAVID THAT WOULD MAKE HIM FEEL LOVED & SPECIAL. So that now we can have them both come into our room at the same time because David's made it over that hump & he loves Techi so much, & she loves him, & they're really good together. We often have them come in together & give them both special attention at the same time. And if Daddy is directing his attention toward Techi, I stick with David, & vice versa. Sometimes however we alternate & do something with one, & then later something else with the other one.
         13. BUT IT'S A REAL BATTLE & IT'S A REAL JOB & YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO CHILDREN SO THEY'LL UNDERSTAND. And maybe even if they can't understand it, just the fact that they know you're trying to explain it to them will help! So if you can't give them extra time, it at least requires an explanation! Also try to compliment them: We tell David, "Look what a big boy you are! We really like big boys! You're the best big boy we ever had! We're so proud of you--you've learned so much Word!" And give a lot of love & use a lot of wisdom & say a lot of loving things to them, because words are real things!
         14. EXPLAIN THINGS TO THEM AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY, LIKE WE DO, & SAY THINGS TO THEM THAT WILL LET THEM KNOW THAT THEY'RE REALLY SPECIAL TO YOU & that you know they're growing up now & they're getting to be such a help to you & the other children. Make them feel like they're very special in spite of the fact that you can't spend that extra time with them that you used to or you'd like to.
         15. IT'S ALWAYS A BIG PROBLEM WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE COMES ALONG who they think is going to take their place! That goes for adults too! Why not put yourself in their place?--For instance when a new staff member comes, everybody thinks, "Oh dear! Is he going to eventually relieve me of my job?" Well, that's just the way the children think, even more so.
         16. THEIR FEELINGS ARE JUST THE SAME AS ADULTS', ONLY IT'S EVEN MORE TRAUMATIC FOR CHILDREN BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED SOME OF THESE THINGS BEFORE, & they haven't been assured like you have that things usually all work out in the end. We've had experience that the Lord always has worked everything out, but that experience comes because we've had time in which to learn it. But little children don't really have that reassurance.
         17. THAT'S WHY CHILDREN ARE SO MUCH MORE VULNERABLE THAN ADULTS IN A LOT OF WAYS, BECAUSE THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THINGS, mostly because of their very, very limited experience. So you have to treat them even more carefully & more tenderly & more considerately than adults! Children haven't had a chance to become hardened to things & they're really sensitive & they're really very easily hurt.
         18. IT BREAKS MY HEART WHEN I SEE PARENTS IN THE SUPERMARKET just cuff a little boy on the head or slap'm around, it's so so sad! It really makes me cry!--Or when people just lash out at them over something that the poor children didn't understand in the first place. It's really tragic!--How much people are going to have to answer for because of the way they mistreated children who didn't know any better!
         19. CHILDREN ARE MORE SENSITIVE & MORE EASILY HURT & MORE FRAGILE THAN ADULTS COULD EVER THINK OF BEING, & they probably have deeper feelings in some ways too. They have a much purer love, of course, & they have a purer, more whole-hearted faith & trust--& to destroy that & hurt that--that is just really sad!
         20. IT REALLY HURTS ME TERRIBLY WHEN TECHI OR DAVID COME UP TO ME & FOR SOME REASON I CAN'T STOP & LET THEM TALK TO ME AS MUCH AS THEY'D LIKE. I'll always stop & listen to them, but I don't always have much time to spend & sometimes I just have to say, "Honey, I'm so sorry, but I've just got to go now!"--But I have to wait at least to see what they're saying & respond a little bit, even if it's just one or two sentences whenever I meet them throughout the day.
         21. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEND A GREAT DEAL OF TIME WITH CHILDREN TO MAKE THEM KNOW YOU REALLY APPRECIATE THEM. Somebody has to spend a lot of time with them, but everybody doesn't have to. Dad & I don't get very much time to spend with the children, but they really, really know we love them! We've taught David & Techi from the beginning that Mommy & Daddy have very important work to do for Jesus & that's why we can't be with them a lot, & they understand that. But again, it's had to be explained to them.
         22. I GUESS A LOT OF ADULTS DON'T REALISE THAT IT'S A NECESSITY TO EXPLAIN THINGS TO CHILDREN, BUT WE ALWAYS EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO DAVID & TECHI that they might wonder or be confused about. We've always explained everything instead of just assuming that they knew. How can they know? How can they know hardly anything unless you explain to them & tell them? We don't expect to just take things without some kind of an explanation, & children have as much right to an explanation as anybody!
         23. A LOT OF TIMES I'VE FELT I NEEDED TO EXPLAIN THINGS PERSONALLY TO DAVID & not have Sara do it for me. For example, why we had to go away without him or why we spent time with Techi & not him or why we gave Davida a little gift & not him, etc.--I've always tried to explain everything as much as possible & tried to keep him from being hurt about things. We try to explain everything in the best way possible & always try to be as truthful as possible, & I think that's really helped him. Of course, we explain things to Techi too, but we just explain everything that we can explain, that needs to be explained.--If we think there'd be any question in their minds at all or hurt feelings, we explain.
         24. SO EVEN THOUGH WE CAN'T BE WITH THEM MUCH, THEY UNDERSTAND BECAUSE WE HAVE EXPLAINED WHY REPEATEDLY TO THEM & WE STILL SHOW THAT WE LOVE THEM. Everytime we see them we smile & give them a hug & tell them in one way or the other that we love them. And that means a lot.
         25. CHILDREN AREN'T THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND IF YOU JUST PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR POSITION! Another child has come on the scene & has Mommy & Daddy's attention. What if somebody came & took your place or your job?--Or another good example is in sharing your mate. In a way that's the same kind of thing.--If you don't really depend on the Lord & get the victory from Him, then you can become quite a problem case if your mate ends up going to bed with someone else a few nights a week.
         26. WE ADULTS GET THROUGH SOME OF OUR PROBLEMS WITH A REAL DESPERATE BATTLE, A REAL DESPERATE CLINGING TO THE LORD & really getting into the Word & getting our minds off our problems & onto other things.--But how can young children know how to do this? Well, the Lord gives them a certain faith that helps them through things. But do we really realise that the battles they're going through are the same kind of battles we adults have? If your mate falls in love with a fish & lands in bed with him three times a week, time & attention is taken away from you!-- Then you need extra attention & love & reassurance. It's sort of like a new child coming into the family.
         27. WHY DON'T WE TRY TO PUT OURSELVES IN AS CLOSE A SITUATION AS WE CAN THINK OF TO THE CHILD'S SITUATION, & THINK ABOUT HOW WE WOULD FEEL--THEN WE CAN GET A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF THEM! The experiences they go through are very similar to the things we go through, only harder for them to understand & harder for them to take! When we go through a battle, we can stand on the Promises & rebuke the Enemy & try to think & understand, "Well, my mate still does love me, but they're just doing this for the Lord".--But it's still difficult, right?
         28. BUT WHEN CHILDREN HAVE TO GO THROUGH THESE THINGS THEY'RE SORT OF LOST, UNLESS WE DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO REASSURE THEM WITH LOVE, because a lot of times you can't even help them to understand, it's too complicated to explain. But at least you should try. And you can't give them a few years experience at the push of a button or explain all the spiritual forces that are fighting them, etc. But at least you should try.--So there's really a lot to it!
         29. BUT I THINK THE SOLUTION IS JUST TO TRY TO PUT YOURSELF IN THE CHILDREN'S PLACE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE & TRY TO BE UNDERSTANDING & EXPLAIN AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Of course, you can't run yourself ragged & give yourself a nervous breakdown trying to spend special time with each of your children every day if you've got a whole bunch of other jobs. You just have to really pray for them & really pray for understanding of them, & then do the little things that can often really mean a lot to them. You have to really think about it & pray about it & ask the Lord for help & to show you what will be the right thing for each one.
         30. A LITTLE LOVE GOES A LONG WAY & NO MATTER WHAT THE PROBLEM STEMS FROM, LOVE CAN STILL COVER A MULTITUDE OF SINS on the part of whoever is to blame. We can't really blame the children, yet the poor parents or caretakers really in some ways aren't always to blame either! Sometimes it's the method of operation or the way things were done in the Family a long time ago or the way the children were disciplined or treated--lots of things like that. But even if you don't understand what the problem is, the Lord understands!--And the answer is Love, whatever the problem!
         31. LOVE CASTS A VEIL OVER COUNTLESS SINS!--Love can cover the past sins & mistakes of a lot of people! Just a little love & concern shown by one person can sometimes make up in some ways for all the rest of the years that have gone by & all the lack when evidently somebody, or maybe a lot of somebodys, failed.
         32. YOU CAN'T SAY THAT CHILDREN'S PROBLEMS ARE ALWAYS THE FAULT OF THE PARENTS OR ADULTS. With David we did everything within our power--gave him lots of time & attention--& he still kept wetting the bed! What more could we have done, short of not having another baby?--Sometimes it's just the situation or the circumstances--like more children in the family--& they're just going to have a problem. But they can almost always be solved eventually by love & concern & consideration.
         33. A GREAT DEAL OF THE TIME, THE RESPONSIBILITY DOES FALL ON ADULTS, especially if the children's problems get really bad. With a serious problem, maybe somebody didn't cause it, but somebody let it get too far. Somebody didn't get desperate enough & really pray & try to find the solution & try to give them a lot of love.
         34. IT ALWAYS REALLY TOUCHED ME TO HEAR THE STORY DAD TELLS ABOUT HIS GRANDFATHER AS A YOUNG MAN WHO WENT TO A BIG BANQUET & FOUND HE WAS THE ONLY MALE GUEST. He was so nervous he happened to knock over his glass of milk!
         35. --So the hostess immediately did the very same thing, to save his embarrassment! That's the type of thing that is a real sample of becoming one & putting yourself in the children's shoes.
         36. WE HERE ALWAYS TRY TO EXCUSE OUR CHILDREN'S MISTAKES & do not treat them harshly for them, do not expose or point them out.--We've done the same things deliberately sometimes to show them that we all make mistakes, or we've said, "Don't worry, everybody makes mistakes, it's just a mistake," & have tried to go out of our way never to punish them or get upset with them about things that definitely weren't their fault, that they couldn't help.
         37. WE'VE ALWAYS REALLY TRIED HARD TO NEVER BLAME THEM OR BE HARSH WITH THEM FOR ANYTHING THAT WAS NOT A DELIBERATE DISOBEDIENCE. But if it was deliberate, well then we have had to correct them, but we still try not to be harsh about it & a spanking is a last resort if nothing else works.--Especially now that they're older, they very rarely need a spanking! We mostly talk to them & give them verses & pray with them.
         38. WE HAVEN'T HAD TO SPANK DAVID MUCH AT ALL from the time he was about three years old, because we've from the beginning treated him like such a big boy with such understanding that it would have been very humiliating for him! Techi has needed spankings more frequently, but we've tried mostly to talk & reason & pray with her too. However, some children may really need spankings if you can't get through to them with anything else.
         39. BUT MOST OLDER CHILDREN DON'T NEED SPANKINGS! IF THEY'RE REALLY BROUGHT UP THE WAY THEY SHOULD, WITH A LOT OF LOVE, THEN THEY'RE GOING TO RESPOND IN LOVE & they're not usually going to be deliberately bad & need a spanking. I think the more forceful & stronger people are, the more strongly they usually need to be dealt with. But every case has to be judged on its own merits. You can't just say, "These children you should spank & these children you shouldn't." It just depends on the individual & the particular situation. For doing something that has been forbidden, for small children sometimes a swat on the offending member is necessary, but usually for older children a talk & prayer is more effective & then if repeated, the taking away of a privilege or desired activity may be the solution.
         40. YOU JUST CAN'T TREAT ALL CHILDREN THE SAME! One you have to sternly point out his error & the other you just have to look at & he starts crying!--Certainly you shouldn't treat the more sensitive one the same as the other just because you think have to treat them both the same! You've got to be realistic! It's another case of just putting yourself in their place.
         41. WELL, PTL, I DON'T KNOW IT ALL, & ANYTHING I DO KNOW I GUESS THE LORD SHOWED ME, BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH EXPERIENCE! Of course, we have had a little with the kids here so we can speak from a little experience, but we can't speak much about problem cases because we haven't had very many problems, TTL! But I do know that most problem cases can be helped with a lot of love, & that anybody--children or adults or anybody, anything--can be helped by love! LOVE is the ANSWER!
         42. --Amen? GBY & help you have a lot of LOVE!


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