THE POTATO!--On Child Discipline.
DFO 718
6/78
[HomeARC note (9/98): The Charter is the current source of Family policy and rules regarding the discipline of minors.]
1. Having to discipline Davidito last night nearly made me sick! It's so wonderful what a marvelous recovery he made so quickly though. That was really the Lord. I was really praying for him that he'd get the victory, and he came back so sweet and smiling and happy.
2. (Sara: It impressed other people there too. I really believe that many people are too hard when it comes to spanking, because the difference is that they don't love the children up afterwards.
3. (Davidito's very particular about serving his own food. He will eat what he himself serves and what he chooses, but he wants to choose out how much he wants to eat and dish it out himself and everything. I don't think many people in the Family consider the kids' feelings and sensitivity to things, and love them up sufficiently afterwards.)
4. Also you have to help him save face afterwards in front of the Family. (Maria: Yes, when I used to be disciplined as a child, the worst thing was the embarrassment in front of others! I'd much rather go to my room and stay until I got over it. My eyes were red and I didn't want to see anyone, and then I'd start to cry again just thinking about how embarrassed I was in front of everyone.)
5. He's very determined, he's got very set ideas on what he wants and he's very stubborn and contrary about it, and if you don't do things the WAY he thinks they OUGHT to be done WHEN he wants them done, then he gets very angry.
6. I think he really feels like he should have some choice in what he eats, and he wanted a potato! Alf was reaching for it but it hadn't gotten there yet when his mother decided to put the beans on his plate.
7. Well, he hadn't asked for beans, he'd asked for a potato, and I think everything would have gone much better if they'd gotten the potato there FIRST like he wanted it. Then he might have tolerated the beans. But he didn't see it no matter what they said. They said they were giving it to him,
8. But kids go more by what they SEE than what they HEAR, by the ACTION more than just the WORDS, especially when UPSET! So he didn't see the potato coming, all he saw was the beans, and that made him really mad because he didn't get what he wanted.
9. Instead of getting a POTATO he got some BEANS! He was so mad he just pushed them off his plate! It was almost like an involuntary reaction. But just the same, he cannot be allowed to yield himself to those temper tantrums and just uncontrolled violence--that's about what it amounted to in a mild way.
10. I felt that I just had to slap his mouth because of the way he was acting so rebellious. I felt real bad to have to do it, but I thought it necessary that he learn he can't just always have his own way and can't do as he pleases and get away with little tantrums like that.
11. But I think if you guys had been a little faster with the potato the whole scene might have been avoided. He was in kind of a contrary mood for some reason when we were with him all this afternoon. I don't know, maybe we weren't paying enough attention to him or something.
12. If you don't pay them enough attention, then they know one sure way of getting your attention.--DO something you DON'T like! (Sara: But yet, they're begging for your attention, your love, so even if they get a spank, they feel that at least they got your attention. If we could avoid the scene from the beginning, by just giving them the love and attention they need, that is what they're after.)
13. Yes, they don't like to be ignored, especially in the little time we spend with them, and we were talking with you. Now that's another thing he seemed to particularly resent: He's particularly jealous of you and the time we spend talking to you--that's another thing that just occurred to me. He always does that when you're around. Yes, we were talking together & ignoring him.
14. It seems like that one POTATO could have prevented the whole thing! You've got to remember how a child thinks. He concentrates on one thing and that's what he's got on his mind.
15. (Sara: The people in the Family go exactly by the past letter of the law and what's been drilled into them under Deb's childcare methods. So then the kids get whacked immediately, rather than even warned or reasoned with, and it's not stressed to love them up afterwards.
16. (Whereas I know with Davidito, we respect him and his gifts in the Lord, and besides that, we treat him as a person and try to understand his way of thinking, so we try to REASON with him and WARN him and LOVE him into obeying.
17. (But last night was a good example of how he really needed a punishment for outright defiance! He was warned, he was given opportunity to change, and he knew it was coming. But after he got it, he repented, which showed the "peaceable fruits of righteousness."--Heb.12:11.
18. (From past experience he knew you would love him up afterwards if he repented. He knew that we were doing it in LOVE.) PTL! The love & mercy bore good fruit.
19. It just almost makes me cry thinking about how he was so brokenhearted!--Everything went wrong! It wasn't the way he had planned it at all. I didn't realise about the POTATO, so I can see the whole thing now: He had that all figured out how he was going to show us how good he was with a potato. I was so relieved when he got the victory so quickly and easily, so relieved to see him come back! He didn't want to be excommunicated. He didn't want to be exiled from the table to the bedroom.
20. (Sara: I hope other parents reason out and pray about why it happens and how they can avoid it, you know. RESPECTING the child is a big part of it.) Putting those beans on his plate without his consent was really interfering with his program and insulting his right of choice. He didn't want anything to do with them. Nevertheless, it was very naughty to shove them off on the tablecloth, and he knew it.
21. That just shows that if the child is brought up the right way with a lot of love, you can REASON with him more and he doesn't need so much PHYSICAL castigation.
22. Davidito's so sensitive and so thoughtful, and usually so good. He is entirely a whole different case from my FIRST four kids, who were such high-powered personalities that we really had to be on their cases. He never did need a lot of corporal punishment. Some kids just don't respond to anything but a little physical [punishment].
23. (Maria: Each child's discipline must be tailored for his particular needs, his individual personality.) Yes, a lot depends on the child and what really gets through to him. It just seems like nothing gets through to some kids except a good swat, and that's what it takes.
24. Mother Eve's tactics were nearly always evasive, to kind of work around the edges of the subject, don't hit it head on. Distract their attention, get their mind on something else, which in some ways is sometimes a very good tactic, but you're not solving the problem. You're letting the child get away with something, just to keep him from getting upset.
25. If you just say, "Now here, you play with THIS instead," when the kids are fighting over a toy, that's not really teaching them anything. That's almost teaching them that crime pays! "If I fight over THIS one, then maybe Mother will give me ANOTHER one," see? But that was often Eve's tactic.
26. If it's not so serious, you can try to distract them and get their attention ELSEWHERE, get their mind on something else. It often worked pretty well and sort of helped keep peace a lot of times. But on the other hand, sometimes I felt like it was letting them get away with something and not really hitting the problem head on and not really solving the thing.
27. That might avoid trouble for the moment, but what about the future? Maybe you're not really teaching the child some of the things which he needs to learn in the way of discipline and what he should and shouldn't do. (Maria: Especially when he gets old enough to REASON, like Davidito.
28. (With Davidito you can sit down and TALK to HIM about it instead of distracting him. You can sit down and SHOW him the spiritual principles and the REASON why he's being bad, and help him be able to stop.)
29. (Sara: In a way, it sort of releases his frustrations for him to see that you understand.--Like when he was a year old and used to get so mad over his cracker. You would hand him a little cracker and he would just cherish it and put it in his mouth, but then when he'd bite it, it would break into two or three pieces and he'd just explode and throw it on the floor brokenhearted!
30. (I was shocked and I learned so much from one little sample when Maria offered him a cracker and I thought, "Oh no, Lord, please don't let it break!" But he put it in his mouth and it broke and he screamed and cried! But Maria just squatted down beside him and said,
31. ("Well, Honey, why are you crying? Did that make you angry that your cracker broke?"--And he stopped crying, like, "Oh, she understands! She understood exactly why I cried!" Then she said, "Why don't we SHARE the NEXT one," and she took half and he took half. It was already broken, so he was completely content, no problem, everything was taken care of! I thought, "Why didn't I think of that?"
32. (It's like understanding him and sympathising with him so as to AVOID that kind of a crisis, helping him.--And you know, he didn't seem to ever make a big scene over crackers breaking any more!)
33. It's funny how certain things are so important to him. We aren't able to spend much time with him, so apparently he really had his heart set on that potato and he was going to show off for us. He was so proud of what he could do with a potato, but we just messed up his whole program, ruined his whole show and embarrassed him before everybody, and he was just heartbroken!
34. (Maria: You show so much love for him! Many adults have a double standard, a more strict one for their children than they do for themselves! THEY don't sit there for hours until they finish their meal if they don't like it. They LEAVE something if they feel like they're too full or they don't have an appetite.
35. (There are so many sides to discipline, it's a many-faceted subject. You can't always just lay down specific or even general rules for every situation and every child.) Well, frankly, I think almost every child is a separate individual case and you can't make any set rules for everybody in every situation.
36. A lot depends on the child: Ho was so much like Davidito! He was eager to cooperate, eager to obey, he was never destructive nor really terribly disobedient nor stubborn. If anything, he just went overboard trying to please, and was nearly always happy and smiling. But he was very sensitive to discipline.--All you had to do was LOOK at him or point your FINGER at him and he'd stop.
37. All he needed to know was that he was not on the right track or you were displeased, because the last thing in the World that he wanted to do was to DISPLEASE you and not have you LOVE him, because he really needed a lot of love and affection.--A lot like Davidito. Some children are like that.
38. Other children it doesn't seem to matter what you do! You could beat them over the head, but nothing seems to impress them!--It's pitiful! But be careful: TOO MUCH harsh discipline and violence and corporal punishment is NOT good for a child!
39. (Sara: It's just like you reap what you sow with a child. But if anything, the parents seem to need some kind of encouragement that they should try through prayer and patience to fully understand the child's situation and respect him in such a way as to help him through his trials in the same way you would one another, knowing that spankings are certainly Scriptural and certainly needed in many situations.
40. (But on the other hand, put yourself in the child's place and you might have a better understanding of his problem.) (Maria: And think about how the Lord deals with us, too. He doesn't spank us every day and every time we turn around over every little mistake we make. He REASONS with us and keeps on having MERCY after MERCY after MERCY and WARNING us all the time before He finally lowers the rod. He's not giving us spankings every day.)
41. The Lord doesn't give us a spanking every time we go astray. He usually loves us up and loves us back into the fold or the Will of God, or He shames us sometimes. (Sara: Right! Love is so convicting! Because if you have Jesus, you try to get back on the right path and you try to show good fruits of repentance like Davidito did last night.)
42. [Corporal punishment] is only a totally last resort when all else has failed. (Maria: I think this is such a good verse I was just reading last night: "By MERCY and TRUTH iniquity is purged."--Pr.16:6.
43. (That's a good guideline for discipline, MERCY and TRUTH, like LOVE and REASONING and the FACTS.)--Especially with a child like Davidito, who's a THINKER and really ANALYSES things and really JUDGES a situation--and judges YOU and thinks about how things OUGHT to be, how HE thinks they ought to be.
44. He has a very strong sense of right and wrong and how he thinks things ought to be and what he feels is right, and if you don't treat him the way he thinks is RIGHT, then he gets really upset!
45. (Sara: Because his requests are not unreasonable, usually, you know?--Like if you just suddenly stopped him from his busy work and said, "Okay, time for nap!"--and abruptly start yanking his clothes off and popping him into the bed without sort of building up to the subject, then he's going to resist.
46. (But I think I would too!--If Alf came to my typewriter and said, "Okay, time for lunch!" and just ripped me away from the typewriter and didn't give me five more minutes to finish up! What if I said, "Alf, wait a minute, Alf!" but he just turns around and swats me and snaps, "Don't talk back!"
47. (Now that's not the way we treat one another, but yet in a way this is the treatment we give the children.) (Maria: Yes, there's such a double standard!) It's sort of a lack of patience, really. We don't take time to really EXPLAIN and TALK and REASON or LOVE, we just quickly want them to "Do it right now and don't talk back!--Just because I said so!"
48. So really we need a lot more love and patience and prayer and reasoning with our children if we're going to really teach them WHY they must do so-and-so and help them UNDERSTAND why it's necessary.--Not always just say, "Do it!" and swat them if they don't.
49. "Train up a child in the way he should go."--Pr.22:16.--It takes TIME and PATIENCE and UNDERSTANDING and LOTS of REAL LOVE to TRAIN a child, instead of just KNOCKING him around and violently FORCING him to do things he doesn't understand or thinks are not right or unfair.
50. You must LOVE and try to SHOW him WHY and try to get his willing cooperation through UNDERSTANDING and REASONING with him as the LORD does US. Then only after repeated warnings and repeated willful defiant disobedience and an absolute refusal to obey, are you justified in using loving FORCE--as God does!
51. EVEN GOD'S SPANKINGS ARE PROOF OF HIS LOVE AND DONE IN LOVE! "For whom the Lord LOVETH He chasteneth, and scourgeth EVERY son whom He receiveth!" Read it!--Hebrews 12:5-13.--It's a wonderfully encouraging Scripture!--That God's SPANKINGS are proofs He LOVES you!--And you must show YOUR children this also, that it's for their own good and because you love them.
52. If you really LOVE them and have won THEIR love, they will KNOW this because they LOVE and TRUST you. They'll soon repent of their wrong-doing and look for your forgiveness and love again and want to do right and really try very hard to please--like Davidito did last night.
53. BECAUSE HE KNEW I LOVED HIM AND FORGAVE HIM because he was so SORRY--that was so EVIDENT he didn't even have to SAY it! PTL! "Love never fails!"--Try it! You'll LOVE it!--And so will your children! GBY! WLY! God IS Love!--And LOVE conquers ALL! "The GREATEST of these is LOVE!" (1Cor.13.--READ it!)--Amen?
Copyright (c) 1998 by The Family